A Life Ever Changing # 23 free porn video
I feel the earth move under my feet,
I feel the sky...
-- Carole King
A Life Ever Changing #23
Tumbling Down
By Angel
What? What is that? I hear a faint sound so far away
outside somewhere. What? What is that? A feeling outside
stinging and sharp! What? What? Sleep, I am so tired. I
feel adrift in space. It is getting darker. Where is the
light I seek? I had seen it only moments ago! Darker,
darker, blackness and sleep...
Deep, deep sleep, dreamless and dark, no comfort nor
nightmare! Just deep, deep sleep mindless and numb, all
sensations blocked. How long was I in this Limbo? No
answers came to my awakening mind. Slowly awareness came to
me.
First I felt with my body keeping my eyes as they were,
closed as if in sleep. I was lying on a bed, my head upon a
pillow. I was not wearing my clothes I was sure of that.
Covered by a sheet I felt it touching my shoulders, arms,
waist and legs. I felt nothing touching my chest! What? Oh,
I must still have the breast forms attached, glued on and
secure.
I heard a sound, breathing slow and rhythmic next to me. I
concentrated harder and located the sound next to the bed
on my right. Who ever it was, is sleeping, the rhythm of
breath was soothing to hear, peaceful a sound of
restfulness and life. Another sound, a soft ticking added
its beat and rhythm to my awareness.
I concentrated even harder and heard muffled voices far off
somewhere. Harder and harder I concentrated! I put all my
energies in listening and feeling my eyes closed helping me
concentrate. I heard weeping and consoling sounds, not
words but the sounds. I felt distress and comforting
energies coming from outside where ever I was.
Where am I? Oh, I must be in where it happened! Yes, the
mirror and my eyes! I must get back there! I MUST! I was at
peace, lost within my eyes and looking through the mirror.
Nothing could touch me or hurt me there. But wait, I was
touched and I was hurt. No my eyes and the mirror were a
temporary respite at best. What must I do? Oh, LORD! What
are you asking of me now? You answered my prayer and I was
plunged into a new world. A new life, a new existence! Is
that it a new life and existence? Must I forget who I was,
who I am? How can I forget something I wasn't? I don't know
who I am or even who I was! Is that what you are telling
me? Ok LORD! I will do as you ask. For it is written, to
love the Lord with your whole mind, body and soul will
bring you peace and everlasting life.
HAH! So much is written and misinterpreted! Is that not why
we have thousands of religions and divisions of religions!
From the ridiculous Fundamentalists to the idiotic
Universalisms! Who is qualified to interpret our Lord's
Word? To say to us that this is what our Lord meant when we
read this or that from the Bible! Which Bible does one use?
Which version? No, I will stick to prayer and trust what
feels right.
I opened my eyes slowly little by little until I could see
clearly enough. Barbara was spread out uncomfortably in a
chair asleep. A bedside lamps soft glow lit up just enough
of the room for me to see her clearly. Long lines of dried
tears traced paths down her cheeks and chin. She looked so
beautiful sleeping with her chest rising and falling in a
steady peaceful rhythm. Her head moving slightly lifted by
her chin resting on her chest with each breath she took. It
was decided by a sudden urge to pee that I finally rose
from the bed. Quietly, slowly and softly I slid out of bed
and silently made my way to the bathroom. The door to my
bedroom was ajar and the hall light slightly brighter than
the bedside light showed me the way was clear. I opened the
door just enough to slip through and thankfully no noise
caused by my opening it.
The sounds were clearer now as I stood in the hallway for
but a second or two listening. Voices and crying mingled
with the sounds and smells of someone cooking. I walked the
rest of the way and realized I was naked. Just a sanitary
belt and pad is all I had on. Reality came flooding back as
I sat to pee. No pain this time, just a pressure and relief
as my bladder began to empty. THE NOISE IT MADE! Deafening
in the quietness of the upstairs. WHOOSH and SPLASH! Relief
and wetness, I remembered then the lessons from Mrs.
Meier's. The anatomy of a female made peeing a very wet
affair! I used more tissue and remembered I had to do a
cleansing. OH FRAPST!
I looked around and yes, there it was the kit I needed and
the supplies were where? I looked in the under sink cabinet
and that is where I found the sterile water and other items
I needed. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Why did I flush the
toilet? I heard running footfalls coming up the stairs. I
heard Barb, She was hollering, "Rachel! Rachel isn't here!"
OH FRAPST and double FRIPSY!
In a nanosecond Grace, My mom, Harriet and Dr. Purnell were
looking at me intently as I stood there with just a
sanitary belt with its now two straps swinging emptily
without a pad to secure them! I was just starting to
prepare to cleanse myself! GEEZ! Barb came in just a second
later panic written all over her face. Dr. Purnell took
over right then! She removed the items one by one handing
some to each of the others. I just stood there
expressionless looking at her.
She unsnapped the sanitary belt and removed that from me as
well. She looked at Barbara and said, "Please bring her to
the bedroom" as Dr. Purnell left with the others. It was
then I noticed that Dr. Purnell had her bag with her. She
had set it on the sink counter top, which I had not noticed
when she first came in.
I just stood there naked and motionless, expressionless as
Barbara looked at me from head to toe. I studied her then,
I watched very closely for any sign, any sign at all that
might give me a clue as to what was left if anything of our
relationship. Silent tears fell from her eyes, tracing the
already marked path of many previous tears shed earlier.
Were these tears for me? Or, were these tears for something
lost which would never be found again? I read guilt and
sorrow in her face and eyes. She took my hands in hers very
gently like I was made of fragile glass, patiently leading
me back to the bedroom.
I just kept looking at her, trying to find a clue any clue
as to where we stood in our relationship. What a fool I am!
What relationship! Look at me! My sex hidden well for all
appearances a penis never existed there at all! I was a
teenage girl! No boy, in evidence, nothing male remained to
be seen. ALL FEMALE!
We were entering the bedroom now and I saw a change in
Barbara. Relief and hope were written on her face and
features now. I only looked at Barbara I could not and did
not want to see anything else right then. All of my
awareness and concentration was on her. She let go of my
hands and backed away from me.
Someone hugged me and I saw it was my mother. I looked at
her and she was a mess! I had never seen her look like this
before! She was a living painting of agony and pain. Inner
turmoil and distress etched deeply in her face and eyes.
I started to cry, I caused her this pain and agony! It was
I that caused all of this! I looked up at everyone, one by
one I looked at them and their faces. I looked in their
eyes and felt responsible for their agony and pain. Wait!
Grace and Dr. Purnell showed no guilt, no agony or pain!
They were impatient and knew something the others did not.
What?
What did they know that the others failed to see or
recognize? They looked confident and sure of what was to
come and what had to be done. I wondered what was next. I
reacted then. I put my arms around my mother and squeezed
gently, lovingly hoping she would forgive me for failing so
miserably.
She looked up at me and smiled. Her sobs quieted and the
tears turned from sorrowful ones to happy ones. I could
tell by the smile on her face and the twinkling in her
eyes. Barbara jumped in the air punching at nothing with
her fists hollering out, "YES!" (What? Yes, what?) She was
happy and excited, about what?
Harriet said, "I have to call your house, Julia, and tell
Rita." What? Oh, Rita wasn't here. The little ones! I had
forgotten all about Terry and Jerry! How the hell could I
have done that! They are my life! What is going on with me?
I started to laugh then. I mean really laugh, I laughed so
hard I started to really cry and cry hard. Grace came over
and my mom let go of me. Grace pulled me to the bed and sat
me down. Dr. Purnell came over and slapped me hard across
my face! OUCH! That hurt!
There was a stunned silence in the room. Grace said,
"That's much better, Rachel, lie down now and just relax."
Grace was forever telling me to relax! I did as she said
and everybody let at a huge very audible sigh. Most of the
tension just vanished like everyone was waiting for some
kind of response from me and I had given them what they had
hoped for.
I lay on the bed and smiled. I liked the feeling in the
room even though my left cheek stung like hell! Dr. Purnell
can hit! I decided to take things as they came then. Not
trying to answer any questions because I knew I would
disappear within again if I tried.
Grace told me to lift my fanny a little and tucked a rubber
pad under me adding a few diapers. She said, "Ok, Marjorie,
she's ready for you."
Dr. Purnell thanked her and she pulled a chair over next to
the bed and I noticed her hands were gloved. She examined
me thoroughly and expertly touching and probing, squeezing
and rubbing. She then irrigated, cleansed and dried the
area. She took a tube of something and changed her gloves.
Grace squeezed a generous amount onto her fingertips and
gently Marjorie massaged this all over the area and then to
my surprise inside as well! She didn't stop! She kept
moving a finger inside the folds in a circular motion.
Oooooooohhhhh, Aaaaaaahhhhhh, uuuuuuuunnnnnnngggggghhhhhh,
OH LORDY!
I started to move my hips and I tried to straighten my legs
but Grace grabbed them at the ankles and held them fast. I
heard her ask Barbara to hold one of my ankles tightly and
to hold my foot flat against the bed.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!
Marjorie just kept at it moving her finger back and forth
then around and around. I tried to lift my fanny off of the
bed, but she held me down by pressing on my pubic bone with
her other hand! OH MY GOD!
I reached out and tried to grab her hand and my mother
grabbed my wrists and held them tight against her breasts.
OH LORDY! OH MY! "PLEASE STOP"
I yelled and begged, but Dr. Purnell kept at it and not
soon enough I reached the point of release. I spasmed and
spasmed again! I felt something hot, wet and thick shoot
out and spread from within!
Still she did not stop! The sensations were overwhelming!
My sensitivity there was intense to say the least! I
spasmed again and again until I just let out a huge breath
and slumped back into the bed.
Dr. Purnell said, "No erection and no bleeding. Tomorrow we
remove the sutures holding the testicles in. There is no
longer a need for them. The scrotum reacted as expected it
tightened sufficiently and the testes remained inside the
canal. No hernia and no pain."
Grace was writing this down and Dr. Purnell changed her
gloves again and irrigated the area and did the cleansing
and drying as well. OH MY GOODNESS!
I looked at Barbara and she was giggling with my mother!
Harriet was standing in the doorway and said, "WOW,
Marjorie, now I know why you get the big bucks!" Marjorie
laughed and then they all were laughing!
I was still stunned but feeling real good! I could feel my
nipples under the breast forms tingling. I was covered in
sweat and I was exhausted. I felt puffy down there, but
everything was ok and not hurting anymore. I could feel my
scrotum, no wait, my labia now, relaxing a little. Hot, it
felt very hot and still twitched a little. Did she say no
erection? What? How come? How can you have a climax like
that and have no erection? Impossible I thought, but yet it
happened!
Dr. Purnell then asked everybody but Grace to leave the
room so she could have a little chat with me. My mom said,
"Our late night snack could be cold by now." I wondered
what they had made?
Grace was holding a baby doll nightgown, sheer white with
matching panties with a wide section of lace at the leg and
waist openings. She helped me put it on and it felt nice.
The panties felt good to but the lace edgings on the legs
tickled a little. She then helped me put on the matching
robe and had me sit in on the comfortable stuffed chair.
They each took a seat on the bed and Dr. Purnell asked me
to call her Marjorie from now on. I said I would and
thanked her for all her help. She chuckled as did Grace. It
was then she turned very serious and said, "Rachel, you
have to stop withdrawing inside of yourself. No answers are
going to come to you from that place you disappear to. All
you are doing is running away from reality and any hope of
getting the answers you seek. You are much to smart for
that and you know I am right."
I nodded and said, "It was a very safe place for me to go
at the time."
She said, "No, it wasn't! It is a very dangerous place for
you to go! When you withdraw like that it is a sign of
great weakness and some people never make it back. You are
a very strong person, Rachel, and you know better. Don't
ever lie to yourself again! Face things, seek help and
answers to your problems and questions from people you
trust."
I nodded again and said, "Thank you, Marjorie, I know what
you are saying you believe to be true, but it is a very
hard thing for me to seek answers to questions I don't know
how to put into words."
She smiled and patted me on my leg. Grace said, "Rachel,
you are surrounded by people who love you and care for you
deeply. You have to trust us more than you are and you have
to trust us enough to ask us anything. We know many of the
questions you have to ask, so when you don't know how to
ask or what to say, just give us a hint or as much as you
can and we will take it from there ok?"
I said ok and Marjorie then continued talking to me by
asking, "What did you think of what just happened a little
earlier." My face must have answered her question because
the both smiled and chuckled knowingly.
This opened me to ask questions of the physical world and
human realities. There was one thing I also knew. Marjorie
believed that going within was something wrong to do. I
knew better. I had not told anyone about all the times I
have been going within and what one gets back from going
there. You can go too far as I had done, but when one goes
there seeking with a singular purpose, more times than not
one gets a reason for that purpose. The why, if one is
ready, is almost always given to one, the place within is
too powerful for one to just travel to without a purpose.
When one goes there as I had done with much too much on the
mind you will easily get lost!
There are 100 levels of known conscious states before death
occurs. Ask any Anesthesiologist! Who knows how many more
will be discovered as time marches on. That is 100 known
roads to get lost in! Only 40 levels are well known. It is
like deep diving in an unexplored sea. Go too far too fast
and you miss many wondrous things. You must dive with a
purpose and a singular goal, but remain open to the
unexpected for it always comes. The unexpected is a
revelation of something you usually asked yet were not yet
ready to really understand the answer. The time finally
comes when you are ready, but you have forgotten the
question asked so long ago.
REVELATION is what happens when you go within, but you must
remain open to what you hear! You will suddenly find you
understand something you experienced long ago. You always
get something given to you! Sometimes you are looking or
asking about something else and miss it at the time. Later,
it comes to you in a revelation of some kind. No, going
within is not bad to do. The bad part is going within when
you should not, like I had done. I used it as an excuse to
get lost and withdraw! That road leads to madness of the
human mind and body to all those who are outside looking at
you. But inside is a different story! If you so choose you
can of your own free will go within and remain. But if you
choose to do this, you will surely be lost to the physical
world. That is unless someone intervenes.
I was ready now to pose my question so I said to Marjorie,
"While describing your examination to Grace and the others
you mentioned no erection. I know from my own experiences
that whenever I achieved release through masturbation I
always had an erection. How could I reach this same point
without one?"
Marjorie looked at me like I surprised her. Her expression
was one that someone shows when asked a question they did
not expect. She took a moment and said, "Rachel, in the
shot I gave you it had a mixture of drugs in it. One of
them prevents an erection from taking place by slowing the
flow of blood to the penis. When a penis swells and hardens
to an erect state it is actually engorged with more blood
flowing in than flowing out. Preventing an erection does
not stop the sensations or the ability to reach a climatic
state. An orgasm in a male takes longer and is much
stronger when stimulated in this particular way. The male
can even have quick multiple orgasms as you did. A female's
clitoris acts in the same way. The clitoris engorges with
blood but the difference is that the whole area of the
clitoris has many, many nerve endings. That is why when
stimulated the clitoris itself will emerge from under the
protective hood. Leaving the clitoris free to feel all the
stimulation it can receive. The exposed area of your penis
now acts the same way Rachel. Only the tip will receive
stimulation and the shaft remains untouched so your
sensations increase."
Wow, what an answer! So I said, "Marjorie, what you are
saying is you have made a clitoris out of my penis?"
She answered, "A temporary one, Rachel, and it is still not
as sensitive as an actual clitoris. To do that we would
have to do microsurgery and you would never be able to go
back to being a male. There is nowhere in the United States
at this time that does this procedure legally. Plus, it
would cost many thousands of dollars. No, those who have
had this surgery do so overseas. Rachel, why did you ask
that question?"
I answered, "Well, the sensations were many times more
intense than I have ever felt before. Of course I have
never actually had intercourse with anyone, but I still
don't think I would have felt the intensity as strong as
that if I had. I have another question for you both."
Grace snapped to a more aware position and looked straight
at me when I said that. I asked them, "Why have all of you
decided to have me become a teenaged girl? What was the
reason or reasoning's all of you came up with that helped
you decide this course of treatment for me?"
Marjorie told Grace to answer first so she said, "Rachel,
your mother and Harriet came to me with a problem and that
problem was with you. They told me many things about you
that at first I just couldn't believe. No boy I have ever
met at any age lived their life and had made decisions as
you had. First you decided very early on that you did not
like being with boys. To you they were immature, selfish
and much too violent. They just did not care about things
like you did. Secondly, you always seemed to make friends
easily with the mothers first and then their daughters
through them. Thirdly, when you were with a group of your
peers they were always girls. Shall I go on?"
I said, "Yes! Please I need to know!"
She continued, "Rachel, when you were with the girls you
also took on their mannerisms, speech patterns and
inflections. You giggled instead of laughed and the topics
you discussed were hardly one would call interesting to any
other boy. I have a nurse I hired that you used to do work
for and she even recommended you to me before Harriet gave
me a call about you. That was one of the reasons I decided
to meet with your mother and her about you. That was the
second time I had heard your name mentioned and I was very
curious about you myself. Do you remember a Mrs. Russell
and her daughter Brenda?"
OH FRAPST! Did I remember! I had pushed that memory way
back into the deepest recesses of my mind! I nodded and my
face must have shown something like alarm because Grace
then said, "Why are you upset? It was your decision and
according to Mrs. Russell you were a fantastic help and she
only had praises for you. Her daughter works for me now and
she only had great things to say about you as well! You
helped them both and especially Brenda. I have only heard
their side of several stories so I want to ask you Rachel
for you versions?"
I said, "You will have to give me a few minutes to remember
it all and correctly. I have purposely forgotten those
episodes and I want to remember them correctly ok?" She
nodded and Marjorie looked like she was on the edge of her
seat in anticipation of what I was going to reveal.
I started to hum a song, I was trying to remember--the song
was key to my memories with the Russell's. You see Mrs.
Russell was in charge of the girl's choir at her church.
Her daughter Brenda was also in that choir. (I won't tell
you the denomination of their religion, needless to say the
girl's choir is a huge part of their services.)
Oh yes! I remember the first one now! The song that started
it all! I started to sing then the song is "HERE I AM." It
was a beautiful song and the chorus was really written for
girls to sing. The notes had a range that flowed like an
ocean tide. I remember the first incident with the
Russell's very well now. I finished singing and looked at
Grace and Marjorie they both were looking at me with
surprise written all over their faces.
I said, "What?" I thought something might be wrong.
Marjorie said, "That was beautiful! I have never heard you
sing before, your range is amazing and you can hold a note
longer than any soloist I have ever heard at my church or
any other I have been to."
Grace added, "I have heard you sing just once and when you
saw us you stopped. I asked you to not stop but you acted
like you didn't hear me and did not continue. I had no
idea! You sing beautifully. Why aren't you in a choir now?"
I answered, "Because of my experiences with the Russells.
If I were to sing people might just put two and two
together and know who I really was."
Marjorie said, "Ok, enough of this I have to hear what you
did with the Russell's!"...
---
Memories, here I begin to relate what happened to me at a
younger age. Memories we bury deep inside of us will pop
into our heads in vivid detail when something happens to
reawaken them. The door to those all important events that
have been locked away for years suddenly opens and a new
awareness seeps into us.
Dani
- 06.12.2022
- 16
- 0
