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BASIC NEEDS By Starhawk -1- I was sitting back relaxing with a beer after a long day in the lab when I turned on the television. Not because I liked television, but because I wanted to turn my brain off for a while. As I flipped through the channels, I came across one of those innumerable awards shows where actors pat themselves on the backs for some kind of ego boost. As if they needed that. Then again, after hearing from some of my co-workers, maybe they did. Anyway, as I watched the award for best supporting actress being announced, I heard a name I hadn't heard for some time. It was Erin Jensen. I sat bolt upright and watched as the gorgeous blond with a killer figure walked up the aisle. As she reached the podium she accepted the award from the presenter. She looked as beautiful as ever, more so, if that were possible. Her body was wrapped in an azure blue gown with a deep v neckline revealing her ample bosom. Her hair was longer now and exquisitely coiffed in long flowing, loosely curled tresses. Her makeup was flawless. She started to speak, "I want to thank all those who voted for me, but most of all I want to thank a very special person who helped me believe in myself. Kevin, if you are out there, thank you and know that I will always love you." She waved into the television camera, the audience, and spun around on those gorgeous legs of hers, which peeped out through the slit in her gown, as she exited the stage. I sat back and lifted my beer to the screen. "Here's to ya darlin'. I love you too." I closed my eyes and thought back to my time at Arizona State University when I was a graduate student in geology. It was a real turning point for me and it was all due to Erin and that little secret she held between her legs. I wondered if she still had it. How did it all begin? Well, here is what happened. *** I met Steve a few months ago while on one of my frequent trips to the local bookstore to see if there were any new arrivals in the Battletech series. Reading the adventures of the people in these stories helped take me away from the trials and tribulations of my own life. As we all know there are many kinds of trials. There are physical trials as well as mental and spiritual trials. There were trials of education and trials of the heart. My own tended more toward the latter these days. Here I was in Tempe, Arizona, where one could not help but find gorgeous women. Everywhere you looked there were women of all sorts. There were blondes, brunettes, and, my personal favorites, redheads. Size wise they ranged from petite to voluptuous. Arizona State University's Cady Mall was my favorite spot for girl watching as it was located near the student union building. They just loved to strut their stuff there. The poor guys were no match for the lookers that walked that campus. The guys would lock on some nearby target and track them like a jungle animal stalking its prey. The girls knew this of course, and used their looks to maximum effect. Of course, the gals did the same to the guys though, I suspect, they never really gave me much notice. I wasn't one of those guys most women went for in their search for a mate. I wasn't an Adonis, a football hero, ruggedly handsome, or the All-American guy. I was simply an average looking guy with hopes of getting through this life with my sanity intact. Then, if I was blessed, a woman who could love me for who I was. It is what most of us want in life isn't it? A person who will love us for who we are, and not because of the amount of money we have. Too bad most people don't look at the heart of another before getting involved with them. It might save them some pain in the long run. Then again, most of us are shallow creatures who look no deeper than what they want to see and ignore the rest until the hidden things are revealed in the middle of the night. Things we would rather not see. Anyway, getting back to my encounter with Steve. This is the story of how this meeting changed my life, and opened a whole new world of romance to me. One I never, in a million years, would have imagined. I was scanning through one of several Battletech books titled 'Endgame' when I heard this voice say, "That's a good one. The mech battles are really great." "Yeah, so I'd heard." I replied. "Do you play online?" I noted a slight southern drawl that I thought was from South Carolina or Virginia, but I wasn't sure. "Sometimes, but not as often as I'd like. You?" "Yup. There is a group of us who get on the CampusNet just about every night and play a few battles." Steve paused a moment before continuing, "You should join us. Maybe even enter a Circle of Equals for a position on one of the teams." "I'd like that. It's been a while since I've played. What time do you guys get on?" "Usually about 8. In fact, we are meeting tomorrow night. If you'd like to join, just get online and have your game do a search for any of us." "That's a good idea. I'll do that." "Have you joined a clan yet?" "I was part of the Storm Kestrels once, but had to leave when my ISP disabled the gaming ports on their firewall." "Ouch. That must have pissed you off." "Yeah. If only I had a Scat (sorry that's mechspeak for Shadowcat - a 45 ton battlemech) equipped with a PPC (Particle Projection Cannon) I would have gone down there and shown them what they could do with their firewall." A smile crept onto his face. "Personally, I would have gone with a Thor loaded with a couple of Ultra Autocannon 5's or a pair of ER lasers and some short range missiles. I would have taken the whole place apart." "Yeah, the Thor is a great weapons platform. Good speed and weapons selection for a 75 tonner." "It is, by far, my favorite Battlemech." "Mine would have to be the Scat overall, although I like the Kodiak if I am heading into an assault. That baby really packs a wallop." "Yeah, but the Daishi has better survivability. It may be as slow as a snail going uphill in winter, but you can put tons of armor on him and it will outlast anything on the field." "That or the Annihilator." "Yeah, whatever happened to the Annihilator? That was one sweet mech." "Scary too if you had to face him. Remember in Mechwarriors 3 when you had to take on the Annihilator in the underground factory." "I always hated that mission. It took me several tries before I finally got the config just right. I ended up using a Thor and several PPC's. I managed to leg him quickly and get past that one. How about you?" "Pretty much the same although it took me a few tries at the scenario before I finally got lucky. I used a Sunder with two ER PPC's (Extra Range PPC) and a rack of Long Range Missiles." "Sounds good." "It was, but I was glad to put that one behind me." The conversation went on from there and we talked about our favorite mechs and some of the battles we had had online. Both of us thought that the Mechwarriors: Mercenaries game was the toughest we had seen. However, it also had the best assortment of mechs ranging from the Daishi and Sunder to the lighter and much faster Uller and Flea which were capable of speeds exceeding 130kph. We talked about our favorite weapons and whether we preferred to go toe to toe or improve our sniping skills. Personally, I loved to get in close and slug it out, although depending on the mission I was not adverse to sneaking around and killing the enemy at a distance. It was safer that way when you are in a Shadowcat and you are taking on a Supernova or an Annihilator. Steve and I talked for almost another hour before I had to head off to my next class. Although it appeared that we had hit it off, there was something about Steve that was disconcerting. I wasn't quite sure what it was, but he made me feel uncomfortable. The rest of the day was filled with classes in paleontology and physics as part of my Master's degree in geology. While I loved the courses and all, there were some major disadvantages. The worst part of it was that there weren't many women in them. Oh sure, once in a while a woman would get in only to find that they didn't like getting dirt under their nails and they would bail. It made one wonder why they enrolled in the course in the first place. Did they think they would find some hunky rock hound or something? I suppose that is possible, but truthfully, most of the guys weren't interested in women. They focused on trying to understand how the Earth worked. What made it tick? Now before you go and begin thinking that geologists are some kind of mutant strain of human, let me set you straight on a few things. Geologists really like women. It's just that they don't seem to like us. Granted we aren't the studly athletic types they might want to go after, but I guarantee you our job prospects are much better than some athlete. The odds favor our not only getting a job, but keeping it versus an athlete who has to compete with so many other athletes for a limited number of positions on some team. Furthermore, they run a higher risk of getting hurt in their position as compared to us. We know more about our planet than "greenies" like Al Gore. Sorry, got on my political soapbox for a second there. Anyway, the point is, geologists are good people with a deep commitment to understanding the Earth and her systems. In a nutshell, that is who we are. Sometimes women strike me as so shallow. Just out for which guy can keep them in the life they want. A life complete with money, position, and power. Some of them may actually be happy for a time, but women who marry men who are climbing that kind of path oftentimes pay no attention to their wife except as something to show off. The 'wife' ends up being alone and miserable spending much of their days trying to find something to fill the void left by a husband whose appetites lie in power and gain. Hey, if they want that they can have it. I would much rather be happy and poor, than rich and miserable. If diamonds are a girl's best friend and diamonds are sometimes called ice. Does that explain why some women can be as cold as ice? -2- Steve and I had our next encounter the next evening when I connected up to an online game of Mechwarriors 4. I placed my CD into my CD ROM drive and launched the game. Then I ran a search for any online matches and found the one for the CampusNet. I connected to it and looked around for the game Steve told me about. It was labeled - Sun Devil Assault practice. I found that Steve was already online with his screen name - Thruster. After joining the game with my screename - Starhawk - I chatted with Steve and the others until the game was full. The leader, someone named Deathstalker, kicked off the match and we all set about choosing and configuring our mechs in the Mechlab. Once that was completed, the leader launched the match and we formed up into our respective teams. Steve and I ended up on opposing teams this time around and it was a good match. I managed to get in a few kills of my own, but got more than I gave. I figured that was okay since I was just getting back into the swing of online play with a new group of Mechwarriors. Some of the people I played against were darn good too. One, named Terminatrix Kate, was incredible. At times I thought she, or maybe he, had an invincibility cheat enabled until a pair of Sunders armed with ER PPC's nailed her. As for Steve and I, we faced off once or twice in the match with Steve drawing first blood when he fired his twin Ultra Autocannon 10's from his Cauldron Born. My Awesome destructed in a blaze of electric blue flame when the fusion reactor blew. All tolled, we played for about three hours. Hey, they say time flies when you're having fun don't they? It was great to be challenged by these guys and gals. Even though I didn't do all that well, I managed to hold my own a couple of times which was good enough to get me an invite to return again in a couple of days. Steve sent me an IM (Instant Message) to meet and talk about the match the next day that I readily agreed to. My mind raced with ideas on how I could improve my performance and I wanted to talk them through with another Mechwarrior and Steve was as good as any. I turned in and although I did not sleep all that well due to the adrenalin, I did manage a few hours of rest when my mind simply couldn't keep my exhausted body awake any longer. Steve and I met in the Student Lounge on campus and after making some small talk got into our discussion about Mechwarrior strategy and more particularly the matches from the night before. As we talked I cold not help observe the activity around us. There were small groups of students scattered around the lounge area talking. Couples stared into one another's eyes and held hands while they did so. Light beamed in through the floor to ceiling windows resulting in an open, friendly atmosphere. "That was a great match last night," Steve opened. "Yeah. Even though I didn't do all that well, it felt good to be back in some online action." "Don't knock yourself too badly. You've been out of it for some time Kevin. You'll get back in the swing again soon enough." "I know. You were definitely nailing your shots last night." "One of my better nights to be sure." "Who is that Terminatrix Kate? She was unreal." "I don't know exactly who he is, but he's been playing for a while." "Wait a minute. You said 'he'?" "That's right. Terminatrix Kate is a guy. From what I have learned about him, he was once a Khan in the Diamond Shark clan on the MSN Gaming Zone." "Wow, a Khan. He must be really good. You don't become a Khan without knowing your way around a cockpit." "True. The best I ever got was Mechwarrior which meant I could handle a mech in battle for a period longer than 10 minutes." "Me too." Steve and I shifted topics from Mechwarrior to school. "So what is it that you are studying Steve?" "I'm studying theatrical arts." "So you must spend most of your time over at Grady Gammage." "Most of it, although I do take other classes in math and psychology to fulfill my electives." Steve paused a moment before suggesting we head over to Appetito's for lunch. I was hungry so I agreed and we walked over to the sub shop. On the way across campus, we continued to talk about our classes and the professors we had. Who was your favorite? Who was the worst? Who was the toughest? "What class do you like best?" "Mineralogy is my favorite. Without a doubt," I replied. "What do you like about it?" "I'm not sure I can give you just one answer for that. I like the professor a lot. Dr. Burt is great and really interesting. He makes minerals exciting and all the different facets they have to their character. They are truly beautiful in so many ways. Whether it is their color or sparkle. I suppose another thing I like about minerals is that they each have a story on how they were formed." "What do you mean?" "Well, each mineral is formed under a certain set of physical and chemical conditions. You have to have the right chemistry to begin with and then you have to have the right temperature and pressures to allow them to form." "So you must know how diamonds are formed?" "Yeah, but to tell you truth I don't much like them. To me, they are pretty boring. I much prefer sapphires and rubies. Emeralds are also a favorite of mine. You see they have lots of colors and are far more beautiful, to me, than diamonds. Sure diamonds are harder than just about anything known to man, but they are still boring." "I can see your point, but I have to admit I love diamonds. There is something so magical about them." "Probably all the synthetic hype built up around them by DeBeers and others. I will admit to being intrigued by ice diamonds though." "Ice diamonds? I haven't heard of those. What is it about them that draws your attention?" "Well for one thing it is where they are found... in Canada." "Canada? Really?" "Yup. Do you know where Victoria Island is?" "Can't say I have heard the name before." We arrived at the sub shop and got in line to put in our orders. "Well, it is located in far northern Canada where some female geologist, just out of college, stumbled onto a series of kimberlite pipes. That's where you find the diamonds. She's probably worth gazillions by now." "Some people have all the luck." "Yeah, but they also get a lot more headaches when you get into those wealth ranges. Then there would be others coming after you for taxes and others for donations. They probably get people coming up to them claiming they are their long lost brother when all they want is a handout." "Those types make me sick." "Me too." I took a sip from my iced tea and then asked him, "What about you? What do you like about the theater?" We finally placed out orders and found a place to sit. "Well there are lots of things, but the main thing for me is that I have always been a ham. I suppose you could say that I like being in the spotlight with all eyes on me. I also like dressing up and going through makeup. I love 'becoming' someone else even if it is just for a play." "Is there anything besides acting that you like about the theater?" "I would like to direct one day, but from what I know I am not alone in that wish. I have no illusions about being a Steven Spielberg or anything, but I would be satisfied with just giving it my best shot." "So you want to direct in film?" "Yes. That would be ideal, though I would be okay with directing plays too. I don't much care where I do it as long as I do it well." "That's cool." "In fact, I have a part in our current production if you'd like to come and see?" "When is the next performance?" "This Friday beginning at 7." "Is there a cost for getting in?" "5 bucks, but don't worry about that. I can arrange for a ticket to be left at the box office for you if you're really serious about going." "Sure, that would be great, and thanks." "No problem." Steve looked at me for a moment as if sizing me up for something, though I got the distinct impression it wasn't anything evil. The reason I say that is that his eyes had a hint of a smile. I wondered what he was thinking and then decided he would tell me if he wanted me to know. We talked for a little while longer after our sandwiches were gone and then headed off to our next class. -3- I didn't see much of Steve for the rest of the week, but found myself looking forward to seeing his performance when Friday rolled around. I wasn't sure what I was going to see since I wasn't much into the theater, but figured Steve was a friend and I was going to support him. Besides, it would be interesting to see what kind of an actor Steve was. Granted I didn't expect he would be anything along the lines of a Marlon Brando or Steve McQueen, but you never know, do you? Some people can surprise the dickens out of you if you let them. I dressed in my best khakis, at least they were clean, and a black short sleeved polo shirt. I figured I was now presentable and wouldn't stand out too much. Grady Gammage wasn't far from my dorm so I walked down around 6:30pm and picked up my ticket from the box office. I picked up a bottle of water from the concessions stand and walked around the building for a few minutes, looking at the facility and admiring the architecture. The building itself reminded me of a big birthday cake of red stone. It was quite beautiful. In the foyer, I came across a plaque where I read a bit about the history of the building. As it turned out, it was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright and named after one of the past Presidents of the school, Grady Gammage, who served during the time of World War II. Sadly, both Wright and Gammage died before the building was finished in 1964. I finished off the bottle of water and headed in to find my seat. It was on the right about ten rows from the stage. Steve had gotten me a great seat to see the play. I flipped open the program and looked over the list for the cast. I found Steve's name and glanced at the role he was playing. I stared at the name and figured there had to be a misprint as the name was that of a woman, Maddie, specifically. What was the name of this play anyway? I glanced at the cover page of the program and noted it - 'Jim and Toni's Wedding'. So it was a story about a wedding. That didn't explain why Steve was playing a girl's part. All the playbill said was that it was about a wedding for Jim and Toni. One didn't need a degree in rocket science to figure that out. The character of Maddie was the girlfriend of Gino, Jim's friend. As the curtain rose, I decided to keep an open mind and try to enjoy myself. I waited to see Steve come out to see what he looked like. Admittedly, he had me curious. When he finally made his entrance on stage, I was floored by how real he looked. The way Steve looked right now was simply amazing. He was dressed in a little black dress with a slit placed so he could show off plenty of leg, and he had plenty to show off. His legs were... well they were incredibly long and just begging to be caressed. There was no back to the dress either, so he was showing plenty of skin for all to see. He was wearing a poofy blonde wig, which outlined his face with tons of loose flowing curls. He also wore a pair of sparkling earrings. There was no other word for him. He was - gorgeous. From the looks he was getting from the guys around me, he was having a noticeable effect on them too. It was then and there that I realized what had confused me when I first met Steve. He had a beautiful face. His deep emerald green eyes had sucked me in and his lips were not those one normally associated with a guy. They were thick and very kissable. From what I could see up on stage, his body fit his current role quite well. He was what you would call full figured. Much like a Jane Russell, although his breasts were not quite as large. As I observed his breasts, I noted how realistic they appeared. They even jiggled like real breasts when he laughed. As the play continued, I wondered how long he had been doing this for he seemed quite comfortable in the role. He even had a few kissing scenes, which unnerved me even more than his green eyes. It wasn't so much that Steve was kissing another guy, but the fact that Steve kissed him like a woman would kiss him. Using his lips more than his tongue like guys do. My mind was starting to get some thoughts, which concerned me a great deal. I was actually thinking of him as a woman by the end of the first act. I guess that was a tribute to his acting skills and all, but it scared the bejeebies out of me for Steve was a friend of mine, or at least becoming a friend. But I wasn't sure I could continue to be his friend knowing what I knew now. Maybe that makes me narrow minded and all, but I was brought up liking women, and Steve was threatening those images, those beliefs, and that worried me. Why was I feeling this way about him? Was it that he slid so seamlessly between male and female? Once or twice throughout the performance I caught him glance my way and smile. What was he thinking? Was he wondering what I was thinking sitting here watching him pretend to be a woman? Was he wondering if he had just lost a friend and fellow Mechwarrior? I brought myself back to reality. After all, this was just a role he was playing, wasn't it? It couldn't be anything more than that could it? He was an actor after all and actors played roles. It was their craft - their job, or as in Steve's case, his area of study. Maybe he was one of those method actors or something. Whatever the reason, it was quite obvious that he was very good at his 'job'. The play lasted for about an hour and a half at which time the actors came on stage to generous applause by all those in attendance. I added my hands to those around me and especially when Steve was introduced. He came out and curtsied gracefully to the audience. He turned his head to me and then winked at me with a smile on his face. It was a smile of thanks. When the curtain came down, I made my way to the dressing room area where a security guard stopped me. I told him I was here to see Steve, but he wouldn't let me go any further so I decided to wait out by the stage door. I did my best to stay out of the way of the stage hands who began to close things down for the night. It took Steve a while to get changed, but when he was back to his 'normal' self, we left the theater. As we walked towards a nearby restaurant on Mill Avenue Steve asked, "So what did you think of the play? Did you like it?" "It was pretty good I guess. I'm not much into plays and such Steve. You know that. I just went because you are a friend and I wanted to support you." "Thanks." We walked on a bit more before Steve asked me another question, "So were you surprised?" "By what?" "My role as a woman." "Surprise is not the word I would have chosen. Shock would be more accurate." "Is that shock a good or bad thing?" "I'm not really sure right now. You've shown me a whole other side to you that I didn't know existed before tonight, and there is a lot I need to digest." "Fair enough, but did you think I was believable?" "Absolutely. I was amazed at how 'real' you were. I have never seen anyone do it better Steve. Even Dustin Hoffman didn't come close to you in believability. From the way you walked around on stage to the way you kissed that guy, what was his name?" "Gino Nunzio?" "Yeah, that's him." "That was the hardest part for me Kevin. However, I like the challenge the role gives me. It has really stretched me in my acting skills." "I'll bet, but why?" "Why play the role of a woman?" "Yeah." "Well it's not like it hasn't been done before. The Japanese have their Kabuki Theater where the guys play all of the parts, male and female. Also, plenty of guys played female roles during Shakespeare's time." "Yeah, but that was then, this is now." "Kabuki and Shakespeare are performed today just like they were way back when." We arrived at the restaurant and sat down at a table off in the corner for some privacy. A waitress gave us our menus and took our drink orders. After she disappeared, I looked at Steve and asked, "So how long have you been doing this sort of thing Steve?" "What? Oh, taking on female roles." "Yeah." "Good question. I am not sure I can tell you exactly why I do it other than it challenges me to improve my skill. When I saw the movies 'Tootsie', 'Orlando', and 'Switch' I thought it would be kind of neat to be able to do that sort of role. So during high school I gave it a shot in 'Charlie's Aunt' and the director said that I did a respectable job in the role. Another time I went to a Halloween party dressed as Xena." "How did that go?" "Pretty good, based on the fact that several guys came on to me." "How did you handle them?" "I simply told them the truth. I find it's always best though it can be dangerous depending on the guy I am talking to." "I can only imagine. Some guys wouldn't like being duped by a guy who looks so realistic as a woman. It threatens them in some way I suspect." "Probably." Just then our drinks arrived. We gave the waitress our dinner order and she disappeared again. When she was out of earshot Steve continued, "It could be an ego thing. Maybe it makes them wonder about their own sexuality for all I know." "It could be, though I don't know for sure. After what I saw tonight I began wondering myself." "And..." "And with you being as beautiful as you were tonight, I found myself having thoughts about you that I wasn't sure I should be having." Steve smiled, "Were they pleasant thoughts?" "Disturbing more likely." I took a healthy swig from my Corona and added, "I wondered what it would be like to go out with someone like you all dressed up like that. I wondered what it would be like to hold you and even..." "What?" "Well, I wondered what it would be like to kiss you." "And that scares ya?" "Yup." "Why?" "Just because of what we mentioned earlier. You make me question my masculinity. You make me think that I would have to be careful about any women I was attracted to in the future." "How so?" "Because I would be wondering if they were real women or a guy in drag." Steve smiled, "I can't do anything about that, but if you ever want to go out with 'Maddie', just let me know and I will arrange it." I felt the heat rise to my face, as the thought of going out with 'Maddie' was more than a dream. It was a highly erotic fantasy. I drained my Corona and asked the waitress to bring me another. This conversation was getting into unknown territory fast. "You'd do that?" "Go out in public as a woman? Sure. Why not?" I had no answer for that since it was quite obvious Steve would be undetectable unless he wanted to be detectable. "Just seems a bit odd to me is all, Steve." "True, but no one will know it's me. No one but you that is." He was right of course. No one would know but the two of us. I entertained the thought for another nanosecond or two before turning my attention to the food that the waitress had just delivered to our table. Steve and I made some small talk about his performance and the other actors and actresses in the play. We talked about the set design, which Steve had helped with, and the music that had accompanied production. However, I found my mind turning back to Steve and his role. Then I asked him, "Are there others who do what you do?" "You mean guys who play women's roles?" "Yes." "Well, there are a total of three, including myself." "Are they as convincing?" "One of them, Shawn Jensen, makes me look like a tomboy." "Really? I find that hard to believe." "Believe it. He is incredible." "Sounds like I should watch his next performance." Steve smiled mischievously and said, "Be careful, Maddie might get jealous." I smiled back and replied, "She doesn't have to worry." "You haven't seen Shawn yet?" "Are you telling me that Maddie should worry?" "Maybe." Wanting to avoid further discussion about Shawn I tried to change the subject, "So who is the other guy?" "Tom, and he is good at what he does, but he is not as passable as Shawn or myself. He tends to take on those female roles, which require a more plain Jane look, if you know what I mean. We all respect his talent though, and he is proud of what he does." "And what about the women? Do any of them play men's parts?" "Some, but not many." "Do you ever wonder why that is? I mean have you ever asked those that do play male roles why they do it and why others don't?" "For one thing not all of them would be able to pull it off. Just as not all guys can play a female role, not all women have the physique to play a male role. For others, it is a matter of having no inclination to do so. There are a couple of women in our group who could do it quite easily, and, in fact, have." "Do they look masculine otherwise?" "Not really. You know, now that you mention it, I would say that they work extra hard to look feminine when not playing a male role. Nothing extreme or anything, but definitely feminine." "Do they succeed?" "I'd say so." I finished my second beer, while Steve nursed his first glass of Cloudy Bay Sauvignon Blanc to go with his salmon filet and salad. I guess he had to watch his figure or something. After we finished our meal and had exhausted our current topics of conversation, we paid our check and headed back to the campus. The night was cool for Tempe with temperatures in the mid 70's and a light breeze coming out of the western desert. We couldn't see many stars due to all of the city lights, but we both knew they were there. For most of the walk we were silent, letting our meal settle and our souls to be quiet for a time. We hit Steve's room, located in Ocotillo Hall on the south side of campus, where he invited me in because he wanted to show me something. At first, I tried to decline, but as he insisted, I eventually acquiesced. His room was decorated simply with some posters on the wall. One, in particular, caught my eye as it was of a huge Battlemech called an Atlas, a 100-ton death machine. It was impressive. The walls were painted a rather bland soft white. When we were both seated, Steve reached under his bed and pulled out a portfolio, which he opened on his lap. He flipped through a few pages before finding the section he was looking for and then handed it over to me. I took it from him and found myself looking at some pictures of women in various outfits. The first was a brunette wearing some very sexy white lingerie. Her hair was straight and silken in texture. On the opposite page there was a redhead dressed in a long strapless emerald green gown. Then again, from what I could see, she didn't need much help holding it up, as she was rather buxom. I flipped to the next page and found another picture of the same redhead, only this time she was dressed in a little black dress, much like the one Steve had worn earlier in the evening. Then it hit me! I was looking at Steve in various getups! My mouth dropped wide open and then I looked up into his face, which had the biggest grin I'd ever seen on it. "I take it you like what you see?" "This is you?" "In all of my glory." I leaned back and gently closed the book using my finger to mark my place. "This is too intense Steve." "Why is that?" "Because you are so beautiful." "Thanks." "No, I mean it. You're incredible." "So?" "So what?" "Would you like to go out with one of them?" "Are you serious?" "Yes," he replied matter-of-factly. "Look Kevin, you are one of the best friends I have. I dare say you are my best friend. We have talked enough for me to know that while you pretend to like being single, you also wish you had a girlfriend. Am I wrong?" "No," I said sadly acknowledging my loneliness. "So my original question stands. Would you like to go out with one of them?" "Yes." "Which one?" I opened the portfolio and flipped to the redhead. "I should have figured you'd go for her." I felt my face burn with the hot blood raging through it. A heat born out of simple, primitive lust. There was no love in my reaction to the picture I viewed, and the images that flashed rapidly through my mind. The images of this wonderful redhead on my arm as we walked through some park on a sunny day burst forth. Or the two of us going to a movie and then heading out to do some stargazing out by Fountain Hills, northeast of Scottsdale, where you could actually see the stars, which was only hinted at in Tempe. Whatever the image, it was always sexual or romantic in nature. It took some time to compose myself enough and Steve was kind enough to allow me that time. I was glad he was my friend. If he had been anyone else, I would have been out the door like a shot. Why? I don't know. I guess it would be as good an idea as anything else. However, Steve was my friend and he was offering to help me and maybe himself by doing so. Could I do any less in return? "So when would you like to meet Rae?" "Rae?" I replied. "My name for the redhead. We can always choose another if you'd like." "No, Rae is fine." I paused a moment and then answered him, "How about we start off with something simple like a movie?" "Sounds good to me." "I'll take a look and see what's playing, then let you know. How about I call you mid week to firm things up?" "Okay. I'll look forward to it." "Me too," I continued sheepishly. "Kevin?" "Yeah." "Thanks for being my friend even after you found out about my... talent. Not many guys have done so. In fact, no one until you have remained my friend after they found out." "Their loss Steve." Now it was his turn to blush. "Besides, where am I going to find a friend, girlfriend, and a Mechwarrior-in-arms all rolled into one?" Steve smiled. Realizing it was late; I stood to leave and thanked Steve for a very interesting evening. -4- The next several days were a blur of classes, studies, tests, and time spent by the pool enjoying some warm Arizona sunshine. However, there was also a steady stream of warm feelings flooding through me concerning a certain red-haired enchantress. I called Steve mid week, as promised, and firmed up our plans for a movie that Friday night. "Hey, Steve." "Hi Kevin." "How's your week going'?" "Not bad, but I have a mountain of homework I need to get finished before the weekend so I can relax. Have you decided on a movie yet?" "I have a couple of ideas." "Yeah?" "Yup. There's the James Bond 'Die Another Day' that came out last week." "I've heard it's pretty good. Halle Berry plays someone named Jinx, and Pierce Brosnan is one of the best James Bond's ever." "That's the one." "What else?" "There's also 'Spiderman'." "That's the one for me. I've been wanting to see that for months." "Me too." "Sounds like we have a date then, but wait a second. There's someone here who would like to talk with you." Then the sexiest voice I had heard in a long time spoke to me. "Hi Kevin. This is Rae. I just wanted to say hi and to tell you that I'm really looking forward to meeting you." "Same here, Rae." "I overheard Steve say that we are going to the new Spiderman movie. Sounds great." "I hope that's okay, Rae. We could always find something else if you'd prefer?" "No, Spiderman is fine by me." "Great. I'll pick you up around 6:30 tomorrow." "I'll be ready. How about I meet you outside Grady Gammage, near the entrance and we can head out from there. Is that okay?" "Sure. See you then, Rae." "Good night, Kevin." I hung up the phone and wondered what I was getting myself into. There was a part of me that was excited by this road I was traveling. What new experiences would I encounter? What would Rae teach me about life? Would I have the courage to walk this road with her? That was indeed the primary question, since I was not known for my courage. In the few relationships I'd had, there was always a significant lack in this area, which led to a break up, and hurt feelings. Would this one be any different? I doubted it, but Steve was my best friend here at ASU, and that made it worth giving it a shot. My sleep was fitful at best that night. I tossed and turned all night and soon found myself looking out my window at a sky, which was brightening rapidly. It looked like it would be another brilliant day in Tempe. One that promised an even more interesting end. As I headed off to my first class, I wondered how Steve was doing and if he'd been able to get any sleep last night. What did he have in store for me? How would I respond? Would we kiss? My body shook uncontrollably at the thought as I forced my body to move in the direction of the geology building. I took one class at a time and did my best to focus on what my professors were imparting to me in the way of their knowledge. Petrography was okay and so was mineralogy, but structural geology, which I usually liked, seemed like an eternity. The professor, Dr. Sheridan, was one of my favorite professors and he had never failed to keep my attention about faults, earthquakes, and such. That is, until now. After all, how could earthquakes and other earthly phenomenon compare with my impending date with Rae, my red-haired goddess? I raced back to the dorm to get ready for my date with Rae, and practically killed myself crossing the campus when I nearly ran into a whole slew of people on Cady Mall. I brought my bike to a screeching halt and got off. Walking back to the graduate dorm, Mariposa Hall, took nearly ten minutes on foot. Running behind schedule, I had to move even faster if I was to meet Rae outside the theater. When I finally pulled up in my car, I saw a bunch of people milling outside the building, but no one who looked like Rae. I drove around the parking lot to see if I could spot Rae, but had no luck recognizing her. I pulled into a spot close to the building and decided to wait for her there. Hopefully, she hadn't gone on ahead or worse, decided to stand me up. Hey, it had happened before. I just hoped Rae was a woman of her word. A light tapping on the passenger side window snapped me back to reality. I turned my head and found myself staring at the face of an angel. As my eyes locked with hers, she beamed her smile at me. It was a warm and inviting smile. I triggered the window and let it roll down automatically. "Hi. Are you going to let me in Kevin?" "Rae?" "That's me," Rae replied climbing into the seat next to me. I took a moment or two to scan Steve and was amazed at his transformation into Rae. His breasts even looked real. If they were fakes, they were darn good. I looked up into her eyes where I stared deep into emerald green pools. I shook my head slightly and determined that I had to think of Steve as Rae for the evening or risk going mad. The wig was styled after the Bree Daniels character from the movie Klute and framed her face beautifully. "Face it tiger, you just hit the jackpot," Rae said giving me a big wink and even bigger smile. "You look... awesome Rae, but what happened to your southern accent?" "Thanks. I was hoping to make a good first impression. As for the accent, I don't use one with Rae. It gives me the chance to develop my language skills. I could change to an Irish brogue if you'd like. That would certainly go with my Rae image. Would you like that?" "Believe me. You have, and don't worry about the accent. It's not important." "Great. Shall we get going then? We wouldn't want to miss the previews." "Your wish is my command." I turned the key and listened to the engine growl as it came to life. The drive to the theater was short, and thankfully so, since my eyes were having difficulty staying on the road with Rae so close. The scent of her perfume filled my nostrils with a combination of cinnamon and spice. It was an excellent scent on her. I remembered some of the dates I'd had where the woman I was with smelled more like Raid than a nice perfume. I learned that not all perfumes smelled good on all women. It was dependent on their body chemistry mixing with the particular scent she wore. In fact, you could take the same perfume and put it on ten different women and get ten different results. Some would smell like heaven and some wouldn't. We arrived at the theater in plenty of time and, after parking the car, I went around to Rae's side, and, ever the gentleman opened the door for her. She twisted around and got out. It was at this time where I was able to take in the full image of Rae. She was dressed simply in a pair of tight fitting jeans that revealed her firm round butt and hinted at her long luscious legs. She wore a white, off the shoulder cotton top with her freckled shoulders bared. Her nails were painted a deep red and reflected the light from the overhead parking lot lamps with little flashes of light. A pair of strapped white sandals completed her outfit. In short, I was with the closest thing to an angel on God's green earth. The most frightening thing to me was that she was actually with me. It was also the most exciting thing. Rae must have sensed my thoughts because she took my hand resulting in the release of a little grin that I allowed to escape my lips. My blood pressure rose pleasantly. "A penny for your thoughts?" "Just enjoying having someone so beautiful on my arm for the evening." Rae moved in closer and hugged my right arm, beaming a smile at me simultaneously. After purchasing our tickets, we headed in to get our seats. As we passed into the theater, I saw the ticket taker follow Rae with his eyes. It was a look of envy and lust all rolled into one. I smiled and straightened my posture feeling the honor at having Rae with me. Neither of us wanted any of the highly priced treats, so we went straight in to find our seats. We found them up high and in the middle, just the way we liked them. We chatted in hushed tones while we waited for the show to begin. I thought about putting my arm around Rae, but decided against it since this was our first date and I wasn't sure if that would be appropriate. Maybe she was expecting it, but I felt it was better to play it with some level of caution for now. Maybe later, I thought to myself. The lights dimmed and the screen came to life with the first of three previews. We made some comments about each one and noted there was only one of them that we thought would be any good. It was a movie with international intrigue and a twinge of science fiction thrown in for good measure. It was due to be released in four months and decided we would attend. Whether we would do so as Kevin and Rae or Kevin and Steve was a question left unanswered. Finally, the movie began and we stopped talking and concentrated on the screen. The movie was, in a word, awesome. Rae and I thoroughly enjoyed the special effects and Spidey's arch villain, Green Goblin, was amazing with his flying machine with all of its cool weaponry. Spidey outwitted him and saved the world. We expected nothing less though. He wouldn't be the hero if he didn't save the world. After all, isn't that what heroes do? The film didn't do much with the relationship between Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson except tease the audience in the form of longing looks shared and a few kisses between the two characters. Peter wishes that things were different for him. If only he hadn't been Spiderman, he could have hope for a life with Mary Jane, but he never could bring himself to put her in danger due to his new life as a superhero. His superhero status had been thrust upon him and now he had to live with the consequences of that new life. Even if it meant a life without the one he loved. I couldn't help but feel sympathy for Peter and Mary Jane. Unrequited love could be quite painful. Rae and I left and managed to get out of the parking lot with a minimum of hassle. It helped that we had parked near one of the many exits. We drove out to South Mountain Park and found a great spot to look out over the Valley of the Sun at night. The lights of the valley shone like stars, though a poor imitation of the real thing, which were painted against the velvety night sky above. For several long minutes we just stared out at the view. As my mind returned to the here and now, I wondered what Rae was thinking. Was she expecting a make out session? Was I willing to participate knowing what I did about her? Could I put that knowledge out of my mind? She was attractive even if she had a little something extra. Part of me was curious about what it would be like to kiss her. My body told me, in no uncertain terms, that Rae was having an effect on me. The combination of her beauty, her scent, and the night made her as luscious a temptation as any man had ever faced. "So what do you want to do now?" Rae asked softly. "Do you have anything in mind?" "I can think of a thing or two." "We could just sit here and look out the window. Or we could talk about tonight and whatever else pops into our heads. Or we could... " Rae unhitched her seatbelt and twisted her body, tucking her left leg under her right, so that she faced me. "What?" Her voice was soft and highly sexual as if she meant to arouse me. It was working too. It was like she had used her voice as a tool to make me vibrate like a 6'1" tuning fork. She leaned closer to me so that her face was mere inches from my own. Her breath was a gentle breeze on my face. I closed my eyes, savoring the moment and letting my body shudder. "What else could we do Kevin?" I moved back slightly as I was being overwhelmed by Rae. The emotion she emitted washed over me like a huge wave and I stroked frantically to stay afloat in the swirl of energy that enveloped me. "Rae?" "Yes Kevin?" "I'm scared." "Of what?" "What we are about to do. What it will do to our friendship." "I think that depends on what we are about to do, Kevin. If we are only going to talk, then there isn't much to worry about is there." I shook my head. "If we are about to do what I think we are about to do, then I should tell you that I'm scared too. I'm frightened that we will miss out on what could be a wonderful experience for both of us. I'm worried that we may miss out on an aspect of our relationship which will help us both heal." Rae moved still closer and with my back against my car door I had nowhere to go. I was trapped, and pleasantly so. "We're both lonely people Kevin. You, by your self imposed isolation, and me due to my rather unique talents, the results of which you see before you." "I can't argue with that." "Kevin, don't you see that our relationship is the best of both worlds. We not only get to be best friends in the male sense where we can go do guy things like watch a football game at Sun Devil stadium or play Mechwarrior. We can also do male-female things, like go out for a romantic dinner or other couple type stuff. It's a win-win scenario the way I see it Kevin. Besides, where else will you be able to find a fellow mechwarrior who can strap on his mech and walk with you into battle and then don a little black dress and make you forget all about your troubles." "But what if things go wrong? What if someone finds out about us? What then?" "Look Kevin, I can't predict the future. Neither can you. Those things may happen, and I emphasize the word 'may'. It's just as likely that they won't. As long as we are both careful, then we should be okay." "Maybe you're right. I guess there are no guarantees." "None that I know of anyway." She was right. Life had no guarantees except death, taxes, and change. Now the question, which consumed my thoughts, was could I step over the line and become involved with Rae. What would that mean to Rae, to me, to us? There was only one way to find out. I closed my eyes, drew a slow breath, and allowed my lips to meet hers in a long, passionate kiss. Rae wasted no time in joining the passion that we had ignited. Her hands moved over my chest and face. As our kiss progressed Rae moved her hand down to my groin and ministered to my needs. While I did not pay too much attention to what she was doing, exactly. I did note a gradual stiffening as she worked. It became obvious that she knew far more than she was letting on, but at this moment my mind was not in control of my body. My hormones were. Rae and I ended up in the back seat where we could be more comfortable. There was something to be said for having a man as a girlfriend. Who better to please a man than another man? What was I thinking? Warmth spread from my gut outward eventually filling me with an unrivaled fire. My mind lost its grip with reality and I dove deep into the wave of passion that crashed into us. I put my hands on her butt and pulled her closer, grinding her into me with all the strength I had. She did little to resist. We stayed there until we were brought roughly out of our ardor by a metallic rap on the window, which was thickly fogged, of our car. It took a moment for us to gather ourselves and roll down the window to be confronted by a park ranger. I squinted up at the light as Rae continued to put herself together, hoping the ranger didn't see anything he shouldn't. If he did, I couldn't tell because of the flashlight he carried. "I'll need to ask you folks to move on. The park is about to close up for the evening." "Uh. Okay. Sorry about that officer." I turned to Rae and found her almost back together. "Are you ready, hon?" "Yes Kevvie," she replied with a big smile on her face, followed by a pleasant giggle. Gosh, she was good. I personally think that smile of hers helped make the officer's night. When the ranger departed, I started the car, rolled up the window, and moved off towards the exit. Rae and I laughed nervously as we drove home knowing how close we had come to being found out. Admittedly, I thought I was more nervous than her, but she soothed my nerves by taking my hand and telling me it was okay. The rest of the drive was quiet as we were both exhausted from our 'exertion' over the past two hours. I drove back to my dorm and, after scouting things out, got the two of us safely into my room. Once inside Rae and I kissed good night and then Rae changed back into Steve. I was sad to see her go. Not that I wasn't happy to see Steve. I just missed Rae. Before opening the door to leave, Steve leaned in close and whispered in his Rae voice, "I had a really good time tonight Kevin. I hope we can do this again soon." Then he was gone leaving me with an ache begging to be relieved. -5- Steve and I were not able to hook up in person for the next few weeks. There were various reasons of course. One weekend I was off on a geology field trip to Mexico where we studied some extinct volcanoes south of Piedras Negras ("black rocks" in English). It was a great trip and all, but I found myself missing Rae a lot more than I thought I would after just one date. She obviously had a bigger effect on me than I had first realized. I wasn't sure I was ready for the feelings I had for her, but they were there, and I was going to have to deal with them sooner or later. On the trip down to the study area, I spent most of the time looking out the window as the rugged southwestern desert terrain passed by. When we got to Ajo, Arizona, I was amazed at the huge tailings pile from the local copper mine. They were the size of small mountains, having been built up during the excavation of the open pit from which they came. As Ajo receded into the distance, I turned my attention back to my favorite topic at the moment - Rae. I thought about what it would be like to come home to her after a hard day at work. I imagined lavishing kisses on her and holding her tight against my chest. I thought about her fiery red hair and how it shone in the overhead lights of our home. Then there was her scent wafting into my nostrils. A sense of peace came over me at the image I had built in my mind. An image of safety, and yes, love, in the arms of a woman I cared for but hardly knew. What was happening to me? Had she cast some kind of spell on me? Was my lonely heart sparking to life? Would the spark burn brighter or would it flicker and fade to darken once more? One cool thing my friend Mark and I did during our trek into one of the nearby craters we found a slope of scoria (think lots of small rough reddish black rocks the size of golf balls). We looked at each other with big grins on our faces and jumped out, landing squarely on the scoria. When we hit, we slid for a good ten to fifteen feet. Kind of like rock skiing. Anyway, we did that the whole way down and made it down well in advance of the others. In fact, we were halfway out onto the crater floor by the time the others made it down the slope. There had been a few others who had tried our method, but they gave up quickly for one reason or another. Maybe they just thought we were crazy or something. Maybe we were because, if the truth be told, if we had fallen, we would have been given some pretty good gashes. We made it though and it was fun. We returned to Tempe a few days later, having gotten our fill of pounding on rocks and sweating bullets in the hot Mexican sun. I was glad that I had a good base tan so I didn't get too burned, although one or two of my classmates weren't so fortunate. Upon arrival back at my dorm room, I stripped off my clothes and headed for the shower to remove all of the baked on dirt and sweat from my body. The hot water felt so good. I shaved my three days of beard off and called Steve to see how he was doing. The phone rang a few times and then I hung up after figuring he must be out somewhere. I was understandably disappointed, but shrugged it off and decided to get something to eat. While I was hungry, I wasn't up for anything too heavy, so I headed over to the nearest Soup and Salad. As it turned out, this was a good decision since I found Steve hunched over a script concentrating so hard he didn't even hear me come up to him. I cleared my throat to get his attention. At first he looked up with an annoyed expression on his face, until he saw who had disturbed his privacy. His expression softened and after a moment, a smile bloomed there. "Hey buddy. Have a seat." I sat down with my salad and said, "How are you doing Steve?" "Great. Well, I will be great if I can get these lines down." "Can I help?" "Not unless you want to feed them to me." "Well, I've never done that, but I'm willing to try." "Cool. How about we go to my place after we finish our food?" "Sounds good to me. By the way, what role are you playing in this one?" "I play a guy named Alex who is in love with a woman named Janet." "Bummer. I was hoping to see Rae tonight." "You never know. If you're good, she just might show up." Steve and I worked through our food, and then headed out to his place. I was tired but I had given Steve my word I would help him and I always did my best to honor my word. We got inside and made ourselves comfortable. Steve got us a couple of beers and he gave me a copy of the script so I could start reading through it with him. I found out I wasn't all that good at putting the emotion into the reading, but managed to be good enough so that Steve could get most of the first two acts down. Maybe some of it was reading the part of a woman. I figured I wouldn't be as good as Steve would have been reading the part, but I gave it my best shot, and that was all I could do. We took a break and Steve got me a second beer, and a glass of water for himself. Steve excused himself for a bit and went into his bathroom closing the door behind him. I lay down on his bed and closed my eyes to relax. I heard some guys talking outside his door followed by some laughter. I heard the bathroom door open followed a moment later by a soft voice whispering in my ear. "Wake up sleepy head." I opened my eyes and saw Rae sitting next to the bed grinning at me. "What the...?" I reached out to touch her pixie short hair noting that she still looked beautiful. Her hair had a tousled look to it like she had simply shaken her head after taking a shower. It was feminine in style and with the applied makeup she could have walked down any street and no one would've ever known that she was a he taking a walk on the wild side of life. Rae was wearing a pair of short shorts and a cotton top tied off in a knot above her bellybutton enhancing her bosom. Why did they look so real? How did he do that? Her form was curvy in all the right places with a nicely thin waist and firm round butt. "I know it may not be what you expected, but it was the best I could do for you. I didn't have all my stuff here for a full transformation. I hope it's okay." "More than okay Rae. You look great." She leaned forward the few inches and kissed me lightly on my lips. She then moved her body on top of mine so we could continue. "I've missed you Rae." "Me too Kevvie." Rae kissed me again and then pushed herself up so her face was about a foot away from my own. "Do you know something Rae?" "What?" "While I was down in Mexico, I had a hard time thinking about why I was down there." "And why is that?" "You know." "Tell me anyway." "Okay." I reached up to pull her close and she let her head rest on my chest. "The reason I had a hard time was because I was thinking about you." "Why was that hard?" "Because I had my studies to do. Because there were times when I had to focus on what I was doing and all I could see was your face in my mind. There was nothing but you." "What are you saying Kevin?" "I'm saying that I like you Rae. You've made a deep impression on me and I like how it makes me feel. I know I'm not in love with you or anything. It's really too soon for that, but I do like you." "And?" "I also like how you make me feel." Rae lowered herself and kissed me on my neck. "And how do I make you feel Kevvie?" "Alive." "That is a good thing. Isn't it?" "Yes. For a long time now I have felt that my heart was asleep and alone. It has not been a fun time for me." "And now?" "Now? Now I feel my heart beginning to wake up and it is because of you." "Are you sure?" "Quite sure." "Thank you, Kevin." "You are welcome, Rae." "Kevin?" "Yes?" "Do you want me?" "How do you mean?" "Do you want... me?" Alarm bells went off in my head and I stared deep into her eyes as I realized what she was asking. "Do you? It's not that hard of a question, Kevin." "Rae, I don't know if I can. I have never done this with a woman much less a man." "How will you ever know if you don't try?" "Believe me Rae if there was ever anyone I would want to try it with, it would be you. The only thing holding me back is myself. I know that." "Can I tell you something?" "Sure." "Kevin, you are smart enough to know that we all have several basic needs. Needs so basic that they can mean the difference between life and death if they are not met. There are the physical needs like food, water, and air. We need food for fuel, which produces energy so we can function. The water keeps our blood flowing hot and carrying oxygen to all the cells of our body. The air, let's just say that without air we wouldn't last long. You know I have heard that one can last for days, even weeks, without food. We hear about people who have gone on hunger strikes for long periods without a morsel to eat. Mohandas Gandhi was one of the most famous, but there have been others. Then there is water, without which we can last only a few days. I suspect this is because the human body is made up mostly of water, and needs a certain level to maintain functionality of all the chemical reactions going on within us. Finally, there is air. In short, how long can you hold your breath Kevin?" "Maybe a minute or two," I interjected. "Yeah. Me too. Anyway, there are other basic needs of life. These are the needs for companionship and most of all love. I'm not talking about the love of a dog or anything, but the love of another human being. There are different levels of love too. There is lust, which is the love of the flesh. This is the love born out of the desire for another. I think it is safe to say that we both have experienced that at one time or another. We are guys after all. "Then there is friendship, or the love which comes from a mutual caring. Finally, there is love, or better yet, true love. This kind of love is born in the very core of the heart. A love that does not find fault, but accepts the other for who they are no matter what. It is love in its truest form." Rae paused a moment to shift position so that she was lying next to me before continuing. "Do you know what the difference between love and lust is Kevin?" "No." "Love is above the belt, and lust is below the belt." "That makes sense." "Which one do you want, Kevin?" "I suppose I'd choose love." "Me too." Rae stretched her right arm across my chest and kissed me on the cheek. "Do you think you could love me that way?" "I don't know. Too soon to tell really, but I suppose it's possible." "Don't you want to find someone you can care about and someone who cares about you?" "Yes." "Do you know what happens if you go too long without human contact?" "I have a feeling you're about to tell me." "Your soul, I believe, becomes a desolate place, filled with bitterness and anger. It doesn't sound like a very pleasant place to be. The only thing that can take that bitterness away is another person. Someone who cares about you. It is through our relationships with others, and the trials we face in our lives, that we grow as people. Don't you see Kevin? I am willing to be that someone for you, but I have to know that you want me too. I know that I can make you happy. However, I have to ask you again." "What?" "Do you want me? Just the way I am?" "I want to sa