My Obsession 2 - How I Spent My Summer Vacation free porn video

My Obsession, Part 2 - How I Spent My Summer Vacation By Ricky This is a sequel to "My Obsession". You might want to read it first. Monday, July 8 I could hear the water singing in the pipes as Mary Ann took her shower. I had just gotten out of the shower myself. My body was dry but my crew cut was still a little bit damp. I stood in my bathrobe, eyes still glazed with sleep, a bra dangling from my hand. MY bra. A bra like I have worn every day for the past couple of weeks. The question that had haunted my dreams had to be answered now: do I put it on today? Looking back in this diary I see that it the first time I put on a dress was June 22. Can it be that short a time? I know I was a supposedly normal boy for 18 years, so how come it feels so right to look like a girl after only 16 days? Yes, I'm counting; this is a diary after all, so counting days is pretty easy. It's been fun playing at being a girl, but once I show up at the library I am committed for the summer, there will be no changing my mind part way through. Things have changed so fast I was not sure what I wanted. Mary Ann gets a kick out of having me as a girlfriend, as long as I remember I'm her boyfriend when we are in bed together. Grandpa Earl and Eve are so blessedly evenhanded they wouldn't say anything one way or the other. So the decision is all mine to make. Yeah! Right! Just me and the ghosts in my head, like Dad getting all purple faced and righteous if he had even the slightest idea. Mom doing her 'concerned' look until you want to scream and Rev. Baker quoting some verse about how anything you do for pleasure is some kind of sin. Just me and my conscience. That's not really fair, but it feels good to blame everyone else for a little while. Grandpa hasn't told me what to do one way or another, but he has shown me where to look and we've had some long and interesting philosophical discussions over dinner. Real discussions, with talk going in both directions, not the kind of discussion we had at home where Dad laid down the law and you had better not question what he says. We talked about gender roles in society, feminism, classism, sexism, societal expectations, rebellion, conformity, civil disobedience, women's suffrage and who knows what else. It's not like I was lacking for information and background before I make the decision, but this is the first major decision about my life I have ever made for myself. That's scary! I knew I have support whatever I chose, but *I* have to do the choosing. I guess that means I have to grow up. There's a Thomas Hardy quote that I found when reading about crossdressing: "It is difficult for a woman to define her feelings in language which is chiefly made by men to express theirs." It works the other way, I can tell you! Ever since I have been old enough to appreciate sex (which is very different from experiencing sex!) I have been fascinated with bras. I thought I was pretty weird for a long time because of it. When the other guys talked about bras it was mostly about how to get them off of the girl wearing them. Me, I wanted to touch them. Not that I had the nerve to do it. Not until I started hanging around Mary Ann and soaking up her family's liberal ideas, that is. I was infected and one day I just swiped one of Mom's bras from the hamper and tried it on. It didn't fit so good, but I really didn't care. Then Mary Ann and I made love together and I ended up living away from home with her and wearing her grandmother's clothes. Sounds like that slippery slope on the road to Hell that Dad always talks about. So why does it feel like the right thing to do? The clothes feel good all by themselves. It doesn't matter if I'm wearing something from Sylvia's closet or my own t-shirt and jeans, wearing a bra and panties is a wonderful feeling. With the wig I look like a regular girl. I have one of those faces that doesn't scream 'male' or 'female' when you look at it. Funny, up until now I wasn't too happy with that, the guys in the locker room used to give me grief about it and make gay jokes. I used to be worried because my voice hadn't changed all that much and I didn't have a beard yet, too. I have hair on my crotch, but none on my chin. Now I worry about when it finally happens. Some people will never be satisfied. So that's one reason, this summer may be the only time I can find out what being a girl means from the inside. Then there's the thrill of doing something "wrong'. Not evil, but if I'm going to believe Dad this is just plain wrong. Not that he'll ever know, but I'm normal enough to get a kick from defying his authority. I love Dad, but he's awful inflexible. I still can't believe Grandpa talked him into letting me stay here. Do I need any more reasons? It feels good, I get to learn something new and interesting and get in a little dig at Dad all at the same time. The water has gone silent, it's been off for a while as I stood here thinking. I could follow Mary Ann's footsteps as she returned to our room. The door opened and I made my choice. "Honey, will you fasten me up, please? --- I guess we all thought today was a day to dress up. Grandpa is wearing his suit and Mary Ann has on a low cut flowered dress that shows off her slim waist. Me, I decided on one of Sylvia's skirted suits. If I had Mary Ann's figure I might have chosen a dress like that, but I don't want to call attention to my less than girlish figure. After wearing the girdle for the big party I was not going to wear one for a full day of working. I'm not that stupid. Eve, who didn't have to go anywhere, was still in her bathrobe and looking positively smug. "My, such a professional looking breakfast crowd. I'm going to have to upgrade the menu and put in a cappuccino machine to keep up appearances. Should I change to fresh roast fair trade coffee and serve parsley with the eggs? "I'll take mine with a rasher of bacon on the side." Replied Grandpa. "Only thing those low-carb crazies got right is how important bacon is to starting the day right." "Angel, Mary Ann, close your ears to this male chauvinist, bacon eating cannibal or we will all look like pigs ourselves. I, for one, do not intend to part with my girlish figure until I am a great-grandmother." "Quit fishing for grandchildren, my love. They aren't even married yet. Although I do admit I am surprised at Angel's girlish figure. You sure about this, child?" "I think so, Grandpa." "Ah, such a ringing endorsement of femininity!" "Leave him alone Grandpa, you old grump." Mary Ann spoke up in my defense. "Angel knows what she's doing." "I do? Glad you told me because I was having doubts, but I guess it's too late to change or we'll miss the bus." "If you don't hurry up you'll miss the bus anyway. Earl, you behave yourself and don't annoy the children." "Yes, my love and mistress. I hear and obey." --- I was nervous when we started walking up the library steps. It suddenly struck me that I was about to meet a bunch of strangers who I would be with for the next two months. I had become comfortable with walking down the street and riding the bus without anyone realizing I was not what I appeared, but it suddenly occurred to me that if I did something male and stupid I wouldn't be able to hop a bus and leave the scene of the crime. My pace slowed and I lagged behind the others. "Cold feet, Angel?" Grandpa inquired. "Yeah." Might as well be honest with Grandpa. "About time, my girl. Take thirty seconds and have a good, old fashioned panic attack. Then remember that a young woman in a stylish business suit comports herself with grace and confidence at all times. One?Two? Three?" he started counting. Strangely enough by the time he hit thirty I had found some inner strength and was ready to go on. Why not? I realized that the women's suit I was wearing was far more comfortable than the heavy, stiff suit-and-tie my Dad forced me to wear on any formal occasion. No clunky, shiny black oxfords on my feet, rather soft and supple flats that hardly weighed anything. I could feel the breeze blowing through my stockings and over my legs below the hem of my skirt and there was no annoying, dull, dark patterned noose of around my neck, just a brightly colored scarf that swayed in the breeze. I suddenly became aware of the comforting pressure of my bra around me and realized just what a privilege life had become in the past few weeks. "Thanks, Grandpa." "You'll do fine, child. Sylvia is watching over you and will help you do it right." --- Thank God for bureaucracy! I must had been introduced to two dozen people before I was there half an hour and there wasn't a hope I could remember all the names. Fortunately some nameless administrator decreed that everyone had to wear a name badge with their picture on it, so I had a fighting chance if I could see their badge. It seemed funny to hear everybody calling Grandpa "Mr. Wilson" with such respect in their tone. So how come my picture was so god-awful ugly I wouldn't want my best friend to see it, let alone the entire population of the city when they want to use the library? Mary Ann says I look cute, but I think I look like a deer staring into the headlights of a car that's about to run me over. Besides, my wig is a mess and I should have used some makeup! The worst thing is that I will be that way forever. The picture on Grandpa's badge still has dark hair and no mustache. So much for a positive ID. There were papers to fill out and things to read. I filled them out and somehow missed the little check boxes where you select M or F. I really don't like lying and so far no one has noticed my "mistake" on the paperwork. There are four interns for the summer. Besides Mary Ann and me there's Chuck and Beth. Chuck is a broad shouldered guy who looks like he just came off the beach in California. Golden tan, short blonde hair, muscle shirt and the muscles to fill it out, baggy pants and sandals. A good looking dude, even Mary Ann was giving him the once over. If Mary Ann was checking him out once, then the other intern, Beth, was doing a detailed research project. Beth had long, pale blonde hair and a spaghetti strap top so tight that you could count the stitches on her bra, whose straps were plainly visible. From the back you could see the first couple of snaps on her bra where the top scooped too low. Funny how a couple of weeks ago I would have gone crazy staring at her bra, but now I just sort of took it in as some sort of fashion tip. She completed the outfit with a bright red mini skirt and showed enough bare leg to qualify for the Rockettes. Talk about your major dilemmas. She was well worth looking at, but my girlfriend was standing not six inches from me and people would wonder about the woman in the nice suit if she started drooling and slavering and howling over the blond babe next to her. Maybe I hadn't really thought this girl thing through as carefully as I thought I had. Naturally there was an orientation session, but with Grandpa leading it wasn't the kind of boring lecture I had been expecting. His enthusiasm was infectious, as he led us around the huge old building we learned where things were, met all kinds of people and heard a multitude of stories about how things came to be, where the world of libraries was headed and just what we would be doing to help. This was going to be a fun summer! Wednesday, July 10 Who was that idiot that made the last entry, talking about how much fun this summer is going to be? She must have been insane. Well, maybe not insane, but she sure wasn't looking very far ahead. Today has been quite a revelation. I got quite an education in gender expectations. The feminist kind, that is. Just when I was thinking I had this girl stuff down pat I learned the truth. It's one thing to take the bus and go shopping, people don't pay much attention to you when you're just one more person you're passing. Being in the library is a whole different thing. The people there expect to come up and talk to you all day long, and believe me, it's a whole lot harder to act like a girl when you have an attentive audience. It's even harder when there are hecklers in the audience. Working in a library full of books has it's good points - all those lovely books to read and learn from. The problem is that someone has to put all those books back on the shelves. Someone like the interns. I may look like a girl but I feel like a mule. Just load up them saddle bags and trot off to unload them, the load 'em up again! My boobs keep getting in the way. Never thought of that when I made my decision. I was shelving books when this guy comes up to me and asks "Hey Honey, where do I find books on weightlifting?" The guy was obviously a weightlifter, he had muscles on his muscles and pecs that were big enough I wanted to loan him a bra. Any more help in the weightlifting department and all the guy would need is short blonde hair to qualify as a Greek God. He made me feel like a wimp, and I had to try extra hard to remember I was a girl as for as he was concerned. I tried to explain where to find the book but he just didn't get it, so I took him over there. I reached up on the top shelf for an illustrated book to show him and damned if he didn't grab my ass! I darn near whacked him over the head with the book but I remained a proper lady. "Here you are, sir. Is this the type of thing you were looking for?" "Yeah. Thanks, sugar." "You're welcome, sir. At least to the book. I hope you enjoy it." I was so pissed that I just walked away, seething. Damned chauvinist bastard, how dare he? I was still angry by break time, when I told Mary Ann about the jerk. She just laughed. "Angel honey, get used to it. He wasn't the one who didn't get it when he asked for directions. Couldn't you see he was setting you up?" "He was?" "You really are an innocent. Maybe you have to grow up as a woman to realize how many jerks there out there that will treat you like that. It's a small percentage, but you still get to meet a lot of them. You need lo learn to watch your ass, and your boobs too, just like any other girl does. I'll give you 10 to 1 that somebody cops a feel off you before the summer is over, right out in public between the bookshelves." "Mary Ann!" "Bet on it, honey. You aren't the sexiest thing on the planet, but some guy is going to think you're good enough to grab on to if he thinks he can get away with it." I brooded about the incident for the rest of the day. I didn't say much at lunch and ended up being late for my break in the afternoon. I had been sitting there moping for a few minutes when Chuck came in. I guess it was pretty obvious I was upset, because he sat beside me and asked what was wrong. "Nothing." How was I going to tell him? "Sure. Angel, I've only known you a couple of days, but it's long enough to know you aren't your usual self. You seem to be pretty quiet, but today you aren't there." "That bad, huh?" "Well, not completely vacant, but withdrawn. What happened?" So I told him. He was more sympathetic than Mary Ann, at least, and had the good grace to be indignant at the jerk's behavior. I felt better when I had unloaded on him and I swear he was ready to hug me when we left, but stopped himself. Which messed me up again, because I would have appreciated that hug. The whole thing is completely screwed up! A guy pretending to be a girl who gets upset at a jerk grabbing his ass and then wants a hug from another guy to make him feel better. I'm going to bed before I go completely crazy. Friday, July 12 My feet hurt! Mary Ann says that I'm stupid to try and compete with Beth by wearing high heels, even if I do have nice legs. I don't think I was trying to compete (that's a guy thing and I'm a girl for the duration!), but I just wanted to wear those shoes. I wore a peasant blouse with a neckline that was just barely higher than my bra line (I wish I had some cleavage, that would be fun) and a very full skirt that swirled around my legs with every step. Mary Ann told me the high heels looked great on me, but I just didn't know how much they would hurt! The work week's over. By the time I got home yesterday I was too pooped to write, I just cuddled up with Mary Ann and was out like a light in my clothes. Woke up about midnight with my breast form half way out of my bra cup, then tried to undress quietly and put on my nightgown without waking her, but I tripped over my pantyhose and woke her up. We were both awake, so we made love - what a great way to go back to sleep with her in my arms! This internship stuff is no picnic, we really do work! I learned how to use the computer system at the library; when someone asks for the 'Card Catalog' it means they haven't been in a library since before I was born. Did they really have to go through drawers of paper to find a book once upon a time? Scary! I got another surprise today. When Mary Ann and I had been cruising the stores we could always find a 'one holer'. (Grandpa's term for it. He made me look up the source and you don't want to know about it, believe me!) For the first couple of days I had managed to use the accessible restroom (also a 'one holer') but my luck ran out about 10 AM this morning. I had never thought of how often women use the bathroom in groups. I was shelving books with Jenny, the head of the fiction department, and Beth. I held out for almost an hour, but realized I was being stupid. The worst part was I didn't even have Mary Ann around for support, she was off in another department. "I need to take a break, Jenny." I waved vaguely toward the location of the bathrooms. "I feel the need to powder my nose, myself. C'mon girls!" Oh joy, company. I like Jenny a lot, she reminds me of Grandpa how must have been when he was younger, funny and irreverent and thoroughly competent. Not too surprising since she told me that Grandpa was the one who hired her way back when. She looks like a typical Soccer Mom, which she is, her kids are just a little younger than I am. Do you have any idea how hard it is to push open the door with a little figure in a skirt on it when you have company? Must have weighted 10 tons and had rusty hinges. In the last couple of days there had not been the slightest indication that anyone thought I was anything other than a normal girl. No odd glances, no double takes, nothing. I followed them into the ladies room and quickly closed the stall door, sat down and did my business. I was going to make a dive for the door, but I noticed in the big mirror that my wig was in need of a brushing. So I did what should have been natural. I still worry about the wig. It's a real good one, but there's always this fear it will fall off. I sent off a little prayer (Dad would be proud), then I took the brush out of my purse and used it. Gently. Boy am I glad I didn?t have to do anything with my makeup! I'm not very good yet, which is why Mary Ann only lets me use a little bit of foundation. No mascara or stuff that might need repair. Jenny appeared at my side and took a brush to her hair. "Angel?" It took me a second to realize she was talking to me. Guys don't talk in the bathrooms! "Yes?" "If it's not too personal, why do you wear a wig?" She'd noticed. I blessed Grandpa for his coaching, because I had an answer ready. "I hate my hair, Jenny. It's ugly and short and mousy, so for the summer I decided I would try the wig and see what it's like to have pretty hair." "Well, it looks quite nice. I think it would be a pain to wear wig all the time and was curious. And don't worry, it's not an obvious wig. It's just that my mother wore one for years and I know what to look for. Ready to go back and pump paper?" "I'm going to have muscles big enough to try for Miss Universe when the summer's over." "I bet you didn't know that half the contestants are librarians." I thought librarians were mousy old women with high collars and pursed lips the whispered 'Be quiet!' all the time." "Like your Granddad?" "That's the problem with education. It's hard to keep those nice, comforting stereotypes intact. These days it's hard to tell a librarian from a computer nerd." I replied. "Marion the Librarian doesn't have a job any more." "Huh?" "Jeez, Angel!" Beth had joined us. "Haven't you ever seen 'The Music Man'?" "We weren't allowed to see many movies in my house. Dad thought they were a corrupting influence." "All the more reason to watch them! I'm all for corruption, especially if he looks like Robert Preston." Beth had a faraway look in her eyes. "Somehow," Jenny responded, "I would have pegged you as an old movie buff, Beth." "He may be old, but I wouldn't mind sliding his trombone, if you know what I mean!" She fluttered her hands in an unmistakable illustration. Did women actually talk like this? "He's dead, girl, but I know what you mean. They don't age when they're on film." "So who's this Marion?" I asked. "The prim and proper librarian who was his love interest in the movie. _She_ would never think of sliding his trombone, she was too pure and innocent." Jenny replied. "She probably never even got laid down in the stacks, even when she was an intern. Play your cards right, Angel, and I bet you could get a quickie from Chuck down in the stacks before the summer's over, too." I must have shown how shocked I was, because Beth started laughing and pretty soon Jenny was laughing too. Fer cryin' out loud, this was as bad as the talk in the locker room at school. I never felt too comfortable with it then and certainly wasn't comfortable with it now. Me and Chuck? They naturally misread my objections, which I guess is a good thing. "Better hurry up if you want to get him first, Angel, or should we work together and flip to see who gets sloppy seconds? Think you could blow his trombone after I'm done with him, girl?" "Beth, we're shelving fiction, not writing fantasy." Jenny sounded stern but she was about a millimeter away from bursting into laughter. "There's work to be done, ladies." "Just take the video out this weekend and you'll see what I mean." Beth said as we trooped out of the ladies room. I really like Jenny, she's fun to work with. Everybody is, there is a good feeling at the library. Naturally we interns spend a lot of time together, especially at breaks. Chuck was waiting for me in the break room. "You look a lot happier today, Angel." He said as he gave me quick hug. He barely touched my shoulders, but he hugged me! The funny thing was I didn't mind it, not like the jerk who grabbed my ass the day before. It was just a spontaneous gesture between friends. OK, I liked it. I don't understand it. This whole thing just keeps getting more complicated. Actually wearing a bra is still the greatest thing that has happened to me (except you, Mary Ann!) . I can't help but get a kick out of fooling everyone into thinking I'm a girl, but am I doing too good a job at it? It's one thing to get your butt pinched by a stranger, but having a guy you KNOW hug you because he thinks you are a girl is just plain confusing! Is he trying to come on to me? I don't think so but, as Mary Ann pointed out I didn't grow up a girl so I never learned to recognize the signs from this side of the gender gap. Not that I ever tried to seduce anyone (you seduced me, snoopy Mary Ann, not the other away around) , even if I thought about it. Face it, I don't have the slightest idea how to go about seducing a woman; my Dad made sure of that. Yucch, I think I'm getting maudlin. Do girls do this sort of stuff? Am I learning to be a girl all too well. I wish I knew! Saturday, July 13 Sometimes I think Mary Ann lives for the telephone. She's always the first one to answer, (with a formal "Wilson residence") and if no one calls her she calls someone else. Do I have to learn to have long, wandering conversations if I'm going to be a girl? Well, as long as it's Mary Ann on the other end of the phone a long, wandering conversation is just fine with me, but now that we are living together that's no longer necessary. She's had been talking with her mother for a good hour when I heard her say "Angel loved the red bra and panty we got her for graduation, she's wearing it now. It looks very cute on her." No doubt about it, I can still panic with the best of them. My heart must have stopped dead, then made up for it by shooting up to about 500 beats a minute! She told her mother! I must have made some sort of noise, like maybe an anguished scream and then a death rattle of terminal embarrassment, because she stopped talking and looked at me. "Don't be silly, Angel, of course Mom knows. She and Daddy want to visit and meet the new you. Want to bet they bring you a nice new outfit for you when they come? She returned to the phone. "I am not being mean, Mother. Angel just worries too much. You're going to love her as much as I do." Not that Mary Ann stopped talking, but I stopped listening. Her mother helped Mary Ann buy a bra for ME? What would my mother do if my sister asked my mother to help buy a bra for her boyfriend? I can't even begin to put that scene down on paper. Impossible! Every time I think I'm getting used to being Angel the Girl I find out that I have a lot to learn. Monday, July 15 I'm starting to feel pretty comfortable around the library, but it seems I am even more comfortable as Angel the Girl. I mean, I simply no longer notice that I'm dressed as a girl and wearing a bra and everything until something special happens, like having to use the bathroom or putting a book on a high shelf so I have to stretch and feel my breast forms pressing into me. Or having some guy flirt with me. Really! I was doing the Information Desk this afternoon (Yeah, me barely knowing where anything is after only a week!) when this guy came in. If I were a real girl I suppose I would consider him kind of cute. He was a few years older than me and looked kind of preppy, wearing one of those sweaters that intellectual jocks wear in the old 50s sitcoms, but he had a good body and a nice voice. (I don't believe I'm noticing stuff like this!) Anyway, he asked where to find information on Chinese art and I even knew the answer. That should have been all, but then he complemented me on my necklace. It's a nice one, I gave it to Mary Ann for graduation but she let me wear it today. I just wish I could wear the matching ear rings but my ears aren't pierced. No way to hide that from Dad, so too bad. Anyway, I thanked him and then he asks if I'm new here and I admit it. He starts telling me about the city and stuff and suddenly I realize he's offering to show me around. He's making a pass. At me! Well, I got flustered, and damned if he didn't just pour on the charm and get me even more flustered. Nobody ever taught me what to do when a guy makes a pass at you, somehow Mom didn't think I would need to know that. I tried to be nice but distant, but I must have seemed like a complete ditz. I just didn't know what to do! Anyway, he finally left and I managed to calm down. When I was able to think again I realized I ought to be flattered. After all, the couple of times Angel the Boy tried to flirt were complete disasters, I got shut down pretty quick. Angel the Girl must be pretty convincing if some stranger is attracted enough to want to take her out, unless maybe the guy is just a compulsive flirter and doesn't care. Does that mean I have to hope the guy has good taste for flirting with me and getting me all discombobulated? The details I never thought of when Grandpa gave me the option to be a girl for the summer! I told Mary Ann about it at lunch and she wasn't much help. She told me that if I was going to make a date with a stranger that he's better have a good looking friend so she could come too. Is she serious? That would be just about the ultimate weird - a guy who looks like a girl going out with some other guy, double dating with his lover who is with yet another guy. I'm getting even more confused than ever! I'm going to put on my nightgown and go to bed. With only Mary Ann in the bed with me, thank you! Wednesday, July 17 Men are such boobs! I mean, when I read those articles in the newspaper about how men look at a woman's boobs while they're talking to her it always seemed like they were making a big deal out of nothing. Mary Ann laughed at me when I told her, then she said I spent an awful lot of time looking at her boobs. Do I? I am obsessed with bras, but you can see them better from the back. Maybe I'm not am impartial judge of the situation. I now have enough experience at the information desk to say that an awful lot of men want to look at my boobs. What would they do if I could show them some cleavage? Maybe I don't want to know. Then again, I can't help wondering what it would be like to have real breasts of my own. I know that's a silly thought, I'm only Angel the Girl for the summer and then I go back to real life. College, study, job. The only problem is I'm no longer so sure I want to go home and go to school like I planned. I love my family but after living with Grandpa and Eve and learning what freedom is all about I don't want to go back to the way things were. That's not only because I would have to return to being Angel the Boy, but being Angel the Child. The only way I can figure that Mom and Dad let me stay here for the summer was that it was an 'Act of God'. That's just about what it takes to get Dad to loosen up. I'm not going to ask Him for another miracle so soon after the last one. Even if Dad doesn't find out about Angel the Girl I'm not the same person who left home a couple of weeks ago. My doubts about what I had been taught were getting stronger before I left, now I realize that there are a lot of unanswered questions in the real world. Grandpa says getting the answers to those questions is what life's about, if you think you have all the answers already you aren't living, just marking time. I guess I'm really living high because I have questions I could never have imagined only a few weeks ago. Friday, July 19 It just occurred to me - Mary Ann has got the be the most wonderful person in the world. Why else would she be so astonishing, why else would she put up with me? I mean, she could have picked any other guy in the school and had them begging for her love, but she picked me. Conservative, confused, virgin, obsessed with her bra me. How did I ever live before I met her? She fills an empty spot I didn't even know I had, being with her is so natural and wonderful I can't believe it. I can talk to her and tell her about anything and she understands. The funny thing is, she can talk to me about anything and I somehow understand her. That's something pretty special. Grandpa and Eve seem to have it, too. Maybe it runs in Mary Ann's family - it sure doesn't run in mine. I just hope our kids inherit it. Our kids? Did I say that? Of course I did, it's right there on the paper. That sort of thought has been going around in my brain for a while now, but it seems so REAL when it lands on paper. I love Mary Ann, I've told her that and she says it to me. It's real, and I don't care if I just turned 18, it isn't some infatuation. At least I don't think so. Funny, but for once I have to agree with Dad. He has preached on what love really is and it's one of the areas he seems to agree with liberals (radicals?) like Mary Ann's family. Not too long ago Grandpa was talking about what love is and even he pretty much agrees with Dad, except for the stuff about no sex before marriage. Everyone must have heard of the way the Bible talks about love in 1st Corinthians: If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. I could probably write the whole passage from memory, I've heard it so often at weddings. Even if I didn't understand it until I met Mary Ann I still enjoyed it. Robert Heinlein, my new favorite author, (reading him is one of the reasons I haven't been writing this journal every day) has a great quote: "Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." Simple, but it rings true. As long as I'm looking up quotes (I am an apprentice librarian, after all) there's one I remember from Ann Landers: "Love is friendship that has caught fire." Yeah, that's right. She talks a lot about trust and waiting and maturity and now I understand what she was talking about. I'm in love. In love with Mary Ann and she's in love with me. Both of me. Amazing! Saturday, July 20 I enjoy being a girl. Grandpa was singing that song in the car on our way to the picnic today. I suppose it's better than listening to "The Music Man" but Grandpa's taste in music isn't mine. Musical preferences aside I did enjoy being a girl today. It's something I never thought about being Angel the Boy, but girls have a lot more fun picking out clothes in the morning. Unless I was going to church or something I just put on a pair of pants and a shirt and went off to school. Since my pants were all black or gray I never gave a thought to matching colors, everything matched! With Mary Ann and Eve to help I have gotten pretty good at choosing outfits that match. I really like doing it, it gives me a little thrill because it's something that only a girl would do. I have to think about what I'm going to wear quite a bit, because even though Sylvia had very good taste in clothes, she was still old enough to be my grandmother. She must have been a very young thinking grandmother, and I'm fortunate she stuck mostly to classic styles, but a lot of her stuff is a bit dated. Clothes for the library are no problem, a nice skirted suit works very well, even if some people kid me about being so formal. As often as not the other interns wear jeans and T-shirts but I don't think I could carry off Angel the Girl in jeans and a T-shirt. Besides, I can wear jeans and T-shirts as Angel the Boy, it seems kind of silly to be Angel the Girl and not wear a skirt. Well, I do wear Sylvia's pantsuits sometimes, there's no doubt they were made for a woman. Sylvia must have been a couple of inches taller than I am because I have to wear high heels to keep the pants from dragging on the floor. I don't do that often because I still have a problem with being in heels all day. I've bought a couple of things of my own, not many because nice clothes are expensive and I haven't got much money. Just buying pantyhose costs more than I would have thought, it doesn't take too long to get a run in them and then I have to throw them out. We interns get paid a stipend, but it about covers coffee and bagels in the morning, not a high fashion wardrobe. The first time Mary Ann had me try on clothes with her in a store I was petrified. How come I can be Angel the Girl without thinking about it much any more but then suddenly realize I'm a guy in a place where there should be only women and get scared? I got over it, all I had to do is start thinking like a girl again, which is difficult when Mary Ann is standing next to me in her panties, but pretty soon I found I was interested enough in how the clothes fit to regain my girlish composure. For the most part I like what Sylvia wore. Maybe it's because my Mom almost always wears dresses or skirts to please Dad; I like how Mom looks, she has style even if it isn't something you'd see in a fashion magazine. Anyway, I think I look better in long skirts, they hide the fact I have no hips to speak of. One of the things I bought was a pair of padded panties so I have a little more of a figure to wear clothes that are a bit tighter on me, but the thing gets hot after a while and it's like sitting on two bags of sand when I'm wearing it. I prefer loose, flowing clothing anyway. Maybe it's a good thing that Dad thinks mini skirts are the work of the Devil, I don't know what I'd do if I wanted to wear them. I think it may be because I don't want to be sexy, I just want to look like a girl. Mary Ann certainly wears short skirts and they look just fine on her, but I don't usually let my knees show. They're kind of lumpy, anyway. Anyway, we got to the park before Grandpa exhausted his repertoire of old songs and had our picnic. I was wearing a beautiful sundress with about twenty yards of lace and frills that left my arms exposed and let my bra straps show. A little voice that sounded a lot like my Dad was saying "sinful", but half the women in the park were showing bra straps, the rest had dispensed with bras altogether. It felt absolutely wonderful to wear that dress, more feminine than you can imagine! Getting into the spirit of things I stood there and batted my eyes at the big, strong, MAN in the group while he carried the picnic basket and the other heavy things to the picnic table. I suppose it's a good thing he was mumbling, I don't think I really wanted to know what he was saying. One of the things he was carrying was a badminton set. Grandpa had to explain what it was, I had never heard of it before. Think tennis played with a whiffleball, you can whack the heck out of the birdie and it just sort of floats down. Well maybe not floats because I had a hard time getting my racket to where the birdie was going to be, but it isn't anything like the speed of a tennis ball. The hardest thing was remembering to slow down and move like a girl and not rush like I do when playing tennis as Angel the Boy. I worried about loosing my wig but once I got the feel for it there was no problem. In fact, the feel of moving and stretching in a dress was heavenly. I was very aware of my bra and breasts as I stretched and swung, a wonderful feeling, indeed. The hem of my sundress caressed my bare, shaved legs (no stockings, this was a casual day!) with every motion of my body. I had visions of Victorian ladies gently playing on a vast, green lawn while the servants catered to their every whim. Wouldn't it be lovely to wear one of those formal Victorian dresses? I wasn't a very good player, but with Mary Ann's help we beat Grandpa and Eve in mixed (really mixed up, if you know what I mean!) doubles play. Did they let us win? Who cares, it was fun! The only thing I missed was not being able to swim, no way I could fake it in a swimsuit. The breast forms look natural when their covered, but not in a swimming suit. I had to content myself with wading along the shore, which was lots of fun. Mary Ann and I held hands as we strolled, we were far from the only pair of women (or men) doing so that day, so no one seemed to care. We even kissed right there in public! More than once. I enjoy being a girl! Sunday, July 21 It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Grandpa would be proud of the literary allusion, but I need to write this down and out of my system. Today was cold, wet and rainy; a perfectly lousy day which was all the worse for the beautiful day outdoors yesterday. Grandpa and Eve went off to the Liar's Club so it was just me and Mary Ann. The day started out great, with no one else at home, so we made love without having to worry about anyone else hearing. Mary Ann sure can scream loud! Me I just sort of grunt when the time comes, but I could grunt loud and it felt good. But it bothered me a bit when I got dressed afterward. I mean, about 15 minutes ago I was being just about as manly and male as it is possible to be and then I was putting on a bra. Just what was I doing? I still went ahead and put it on, along with my panties, then felt strange seeing my male equipment bulging under pink satin. Since I wasn't going out I wore jeans and a T-shirt, sometimes it's just too much to get dressed up. I put on the wig, I really hate to see myself in the mirror without it. The person in the mirror looked like a girl, but I knew I was a guy - so where was the truth? So after that the rest of the day just went downhill. I was too restless to read so we tried to watch "The Music Man" together. Beth may have loved it, but I made it for about 20 minutes before I couldn't take any more. I tried to get into it, I really did, but the plot was so dumb and they kept interrupting so someone could sing or dance or whatever. I'm sorry, but the music sucked big time. So I went and did something else and pissed Mary Ann off because I left. Nothing on the regular tube, so I finished the dishes and cleaned up a bit. Just call me Angel the perfect housewife. I thought about getting Mary Ann back in bed, but she was still pissed off at me so that was out. When the phone rang I answered it in my Angel the Girl voice, after all I had been using it all week; it was getting to be natural. It was Mom, calling to find out how I was doing, but I had a shock when she asked if she could talk to Angel. I couldn't figure out what was happening at first, then it dawned on me. I stammered something and desperately tried to find my Angel the Boy voice. It wasn't easy to do. I was really into being Angel the Girl, but now I had to do a quick change! I reached down somewhere inside me and found my old voice. "Hi Mom!" I hope I faked excitement well enough. "It's great to hear from you." Well, it wasn't a complete lie, I really did want to talk to her, but now I was feeling guilty as the devil because I knew darn well she would be horrified if could see me. We didn't say anything that's worth writing down, just catching up. I had to do some on the fly editing in telling her about what I was doing on the internship, making sure I didn't give her a clue about Angel the Girl. So I got even more guilty, then I talked to Dad and he kept telling me how proud he was of his son, his boy. All the time I'm sitting there with boobs hanging off me and lying with just about every word I said. I hated that, I don't want to lie but I want to be ME, not my Dad's SON, or even his DAUGHTER. Just me, whoever that is! I had to hang up before I started crying, which would have really have been hard to explain to Dad. So I started blubbering as soon as I hung up and went to our bedroom where I undressed and put on the boy clothes I brought with me from home for the first time in weeks. Mary Ann was still watching some stupid movie so I just called out to her I was going out and left the house. I got on the bus, feeling faintly foolish to take out my wallet instead of opening my purse, and rode. I didn't really know where I wanted to go, I just got on the first bus that stopped - and on the weekend that isn't too big a choice. So I rode around for a while and the thing finally pulled up near a movie theater, so I got out and looked for a movie that I wanted to see. It wouldn't be too hard to find one better than "The Music Man", but since I was in a lousy mood I guess I chose the movie because it was full of things blowing up and cars crashing and some big hunk shooting the crap out of everything while he saves the dumb woman, who can't do anything for herself except scream and look helpless. Trying to placate my macho ego? Maybe, but after about 20 minutes I was as bored as I had been with "The Music Man". I walked across the parking lot and hit the mall. When in doubt, hang out at the mall! Isn't that the cry of my generation? My generation. Could I claim that? I didn't fit in too well anywhere. When I was growing up I missed parties and stuff because Dad wouldn't let me go because they weren't properly Christian, and no way he was going to let me hang out at the mall. I used to spend most of Sunday wearing a suit and going to church. I never really dated, even Mary Ann. I could go out in a group if Dad approved, but all alone with a girl? I never bothered to ask. So I was outside of most things at school. Not that I lacked for friends, but my friends were always different. Well, it makes sense because I wasn't exactly mainstream, but I never felt like a jock or the kind of MAN that you see in the movies or on TV. Top that off with my obsession for bras and what do you get? That's what I'm trying to figure out. Not having a heck of a lot of money I mostly looked at the displays and wandered the place. I realized it didn't feel right to feel the air on my head any more. I kind of liked not having to brush my hair out of my face all the time, but I missed the feel of the wig. As I came to one of the fountains there were half a dozen guys hanging out and trying to look cool. They couldn't have been much younger than me, but they struck me as young punks, which made me feel like I was turning into my Dad. They were decked out in grunge and chains and trying to impress each other with how macho and cool they were. I stopped to watch as most everyone else made an obvious detour around them. Just what does it mean to be a guy anyway? The example before me wasn't anything I wanted to be a part of. While I love my Dad I can't buy his version of manhood either. The windows of the stores were filled with figures touting the latest in style for men, but that seemed so artificial. I just got more confused. I stopped at Borders and browsed a bit, then Had An Idea. Maybe they had a book about what it means to be confused like me. I had to laugh - I had just spent the entire week in a library with all the free books you could ever want and didn't think of this until I was in the mall. One more thing to go wrong in my life. Well, what the heck. I looked and they did have several books on the subject. I decided on one and bought it, then blew the rest of my cash on a fancy coffee and read it in the caf?. The coffee was long gone but I sat at the table and read the whole thing. It was a series of short essays on what it means to be male or female or something in between. Everyone was different, but by the time I got done reading I felt a lot better. I stall had a lot of questions, in fact I had a whole lot more questions than when I started, but they were coherent questions, not the formless mess that was swirling around in my mind. There were a lot of people in this world like me, somewhere between male and female. For the first time I asked myself why I needed to choose one or the other for ever and ever. That's a radical idea. I'm going to have to do some serious thinking about it and find an answer. I was getting hungry but I had already spent more than I planned today, so I started for home. As I walked down the mall to the bus stop a loud wail came from one of those little kiosks in the middle. There was a lady there getting her baby's ears pierced. The kid couldn't have been more than a couple of months old, but there she was with a little jewel in each ear. That's when I lost touch with reality. If that little bitty baby could get her ears pierced then why couldn't I? What did it matter if I looked like a boy, It was my body and I could do what I wanted with it, and I wanted to wear real earrings. If the people I had just read about had overcome hate and prejudice and violence then why couldn't I overcome my own fears? So I did it. When the lady and her baby left I just walked up and told the saleswoman I wanted to get my ears pierced. She smiled and asked what pair of earrings I would like and showed me the selection of starters. Just like that, no funny looks, no outcry, just another sale here in the mall. Before I could loose my nerve I picked out a pair of green balls and she sat me down and measured my ear. I didn't say anything but I must have had the question on my face. "I want to make sure both earrings are in the same place, so I measure and put a dot on each ear to be sure." Well, at least I had a definitive answer to one question that day. I got a little nervous when she put a gun to my head (I had seen that macho bang-bang movie only a few hours ago!) but SNAP - SNAP and I had earrings. I was disappointed when she told me the starters had to stay in for three weeks, but I can wait. I think. When I got home Mary Ann was over her mad and I was feeling a lot better about myself. She loves the earrings and likes to nibble on them, which drives me crazy. Since Grandpa and Eve weren't back yet we did a lot more screaming in bed and the day ended on a much better note. Monday, July 22 What have I gotten myself into? Last night when Mary Ann and I went off to bed in a hurry I left the book I had gotten laying in the living room, where Grandpa saw it when he got home. Next morning at breakfast he was reading it when we sat down. "Interesting reading, Angel. You learn anything from it?" He has a way of raising his eyebrows that urges you to answer. "Yeah. The book takes a broader look at what it means to be male or female than the stuff Mary Ann & I found on the net when you had us look up crossdressing. I guess I still have some questions I haven't got answers to." "And well you should!" chimed in Eve. "Even if you weren't spending the summer as a woman you certainly need to think about how you intend to live you life." "You make it sound so serious!" "Well, isn't it? "Yeah but?" "You've got poor Angel all confused and she hasn't even had her breakfast, Eve." Grandpa interrupted. "Let the poor girl at least get some coffee in her before you discuss philosophy!" "Angel, whatever happens don't take up with a grumpy old man, especially when he's right. Sit down and eat." "Of course I'm right, but I will apologize for not waiting until I had my second cup of coffee before opening my mouth." He waited until I had filled my cup and buttered some toast. "Actually," Grandpa continued," this book has given me an idea that will help both of us. I grew up in a world that didn't offer much choice in gender roles or anything else vaguely connected with sex, at least not out in public. Men were men and women were tools to be used as needed and that's that." "Angel, until I was a Dad twice over I never met a gay man, and you better believe we weren't so polite as to use the word 'gay',. Well, of course I had met many gay men, but he wasn't telling and I wasn't asking, so how could I know? As for crossdressing, I hadn't heard of it until it hit daytime TV and people started coming into the library and asking for books about it. We didn't have any books like that back then either. I remember the row that "The Joy of Sex" caused. "The Joy of Sex?" I had to ask! "On the shelf in my library, unless Eve is brushing up on her technique. Don't tell me you and my granddaughter haven't discovered that?" "You're a dirty old man, Grandpa. Angel and I don't need any book." Chimed in Mary Ann. "Don't knock it until you've tried it." replied Eve. "It even had a few things to teach this old goat and it's fun to use what he's learned." "I can't believe we're having this conversation during breakfast!" Was Mary Ann really scandalized or just stirring the pot? "We do seem to have gotten a bit off track, haven't we? What I was going to say was that we need to put together a new book display for August and it seems to me that a couple of interns I know of might want to volunteer for the task. Perhaps a theme revolving around gender would be appropriate?" "That's a loaded word, Grandpa. Gender like crossdressers use the word or gender like feminists use it?" "Why not both? Compare and contrast, highlight the dichotomy. Be creative." "Can we point out that the filters the county government requires us to have cut off access to most of the stuff on the Internet?" "Put up a flashing neon sign! Libraries are in the business providing information, not censoring it. Or at least we should be!" "Grandpa?" I asked. "Yes, Angel?" "How did you get to be an anti-government, sex crazed, bleeding heart liberal when you told me you grew up in the Bible Belt? "Poisons in the water, part of a multi-national corporate conspiracy to placate the masses, but it went wrong with me and I mutated. Either that or they screwed up in the hospital and some poor progressive couple in Indiana can't figure out how they managed to raise a damned Republican!" Wednesday, July 24 The good part of the job is doing the research for the transgender display, that was fun. The staff there is willing to drop everything and complain about censoring information if you give them half a chance, so we have more than enough material to do that part of the display. The harder part is finding the right material to explain transgenderism and all the various categories. This naturally gets into the subject of gay rights. Although we were trying to focus on the transgender area the two are hard to separate in the literature, especially the older stuff. Not that the older stuff is that old. As far as I can tell there's practically nothing in print before the sixties. Our library has an unusually large collection of older material because someone donated their personal library. I'm glad that they did it in a time when the library could accept it without raising a public outcry. I have read just about everything there is in the collection, now all I have to do is figure out how to make sense of it in the display. I do know that Virginia Prince will be the starting point; she seems to be the grand dame of crossdressing, the first one to go public in a big way. The bad part is all this research is making me think about just who I am. Well, maybe not bad, but uncomfortable. If you had asked me a couple of weeks ago I would have firmly told you I was a crossdresser, even if I wasn't so sure what that meant. I liked wearing girl's clothes but wanting to become a girl - no way. But after a few of weeks living as a girl full time I was starting to wonder. How can I enjoy sex so much with Mary Ann and still love being a girl? I'm beginning to think I should talk to a counselor who has experience with gender dysphoria. After all my reading I am starting to realize this may be more than a lark, but I still don't know how far I want to go down this path. I'm completely sure I don't want to lose my male equipment, but it is so incredibly comforting to wear a bra and feel my breast forms nestled up to my chest. I keep thinking how nice it would be to have real breasts. That would be pretty damned permanent, once I make the commitment I would have to live as a girl (woman, I suppose) forever. It seems nice but - forever? No going back? My Dad would disown me for sure, Mom would cry her eyes out and my sister would probably never forgive me. That would be hard. And what about Mary Ann? Sure, she loves me and I love her, but what happens if we decide this is more than a summer lark? It would make life very complicated, wouldn't it? Lately I have been thinking of proposing to her, but I haven't had the nerve. Would she marry a man who everyone thinks is a woman? Could we live happily ever after if everyone thought we were lesbians? I think I really need to talk to someone who can help me. We, I should say, Mary Ann needs to be a part of this, we need to make any decision together. Maybe Grandpa knows how to find a shrink to help, but then how do I pay for it? I sure wouldn't want Dad to find out I was going to a shrink, he'd make me come home and pray over me until I saw the light, he doesn't approve of shrinks too much. Sometimes I wish I had never seen a bra in my life. It would have been much easier all around. Thursday, July 25 My ears itch! It didn't really hurt to have them pierced, but they do itch and I'm always fiddling with the earrings. Mary Ann likes to nibble on them, and that stops the itching, but she can't do it all day long. Someone at the library would be sure to comment. I'm beginning to think that I should make my life's work inventing a robot that can put books back on the shelves in the right place. I may not make a fortune, but every librarian in the known and unknown universe will love me forever. After a couple of hours of shelving books I am ready to curse my boobs. They just plain get in the way, sticking out in front of me and I have a hard time carrying a pile of books. Mary Ann says a proper woman wouldn't try to carry as many books as I do and I should get used to it. I'm trying to get used to being a woman, really I am! I guess it's pretty obvious that I have been having doubts and problems lately. Grandpa and Eve finally decided it was time for a family talk tonight. At first I panicked, because when Dad wants a family talk it usually doesn't mean people are going to be happy afterward, but I should have known better. This is a whole different family. It didn't take too long to tell them what I've been feeling, I trust them as much as I trust Mary Ann and it was awful easy to let my worries and doubts out. Mary Ann just held my hand as I talked it out, and the both of them just encouraged me to tell the whole story my way until I just ran dry. "Well Eve," Grandpa drawled, "just shows you that no good deed goes unpunished, doesn't it?" "Earl!" "Sorry Angel, I'm not trying to make light of your pain, but I guess I didn't think it through when I encouraged you to start crossdressing. After meeting you Dad I should have realized that it would be more involved than just changing clothes. Not to run down you Dad, but he seems to be a might too certain of things for my taste. Once you start asking questions some of the answers can be painful." "You didn't make me start, Grandpa. I had been wearing bras long before you invited me for the summer, I just had to hide that I was doing it." "I guess there are enough mistakes to give a few to everyone to chew on. Even though it's been a few years I still remember some of what it was like to be a teenager, as incredible as it seems. You're lucky in a way, Angel, because if I had had your desires there would have been hell to pay and damned few people who would have done anything besides thrown me out of the tribe to wander in the desert alone. It may not be much consolation, but at least we can talk about your crossdressing openly and try to make things better." "I think that's what I need, I need to talk to a professional but I don't know how to find one or how to pay for it or ..." "Take it easy, Angel, one step at a time. Take a deep breath!" I took a deep breath, which made me very aware of my breasts, which distracted me for a few seconds, then let it out. "That's better. I assume your folks have health insurance?" "Sure, but I can't let Dad know I'm seeing a shrink. He hates them and then he'd ask why I was seeing one and ..." "Breathe, girl, breathe!" I breathed. Mary Ann squeezed my hand harder and I relaxed. Don't borrow trouble, Angel. If you know the system there are ways to keep the details private, and Audrey Pymm knows the system, believe me. She's one of the best psychiatrists in the area and I know she has some experience in gender issues. If she isn't qualified she will be able to refer you to someone who is. "Pymm?" asked Mary Ann. As in the Frog Man? "His wife, although how she puts up with him without professional help I can't understand." "Just ask me, Earl. I put up with you so I know how it works." replied Eve. "Quiet woman, I'm solving problems here. Give me room to work." "Such a masculine attitude Earle. I think I'm going to have to put a bra on you and have Angel help me civilize you. Angel doesn't need you to solve her problems, she can do that herself with Audrey's help. You just listen and make encouraging sounds, that's what she needs right now." "Ummm hummm." "Better. Angel, if you want to talk to Audrey we'll help you do it. No one outside our family needs to know, the people in the Liars Club help each other when needed." "I'd like that." I replied. "_We_ would like that, Angel. We're in this together." Mary Ann added. "So we are. Thanks Grandpa. Thanks, Eve. And Grandpa?" "Ummm hummm." "Go ahead and try wearing a bra. It's a lot of fun, you may learn to like it." Friday, July 26 Oh Lord! Chuck asked me for a date! What am I going to do? Chuck is a nice guy but I don't want to date him. I have a steady girl, but I can't tell him that! How the devil do you turn down a guy when you don't want to date him? I mean, without hurting him. Mother never taught me this kind of stuff, and I sure couldn't ask my sister. Mary Ann would be the logical one to ask for advice, but I wasn't able to call "time out" long enough to consult her. I got all tongue tied and stammery, trying to tell him I liked him but was seeing someone seriously. He looked like a hurt puppy, really he did. I feel like a heel, I don't want him to think of me that way but how could he know? Since I'm trying my best to make sure he doesn't know that sounds pretty stupid, doesn't it? What really makes me wonder is that I gave him a kiss and a hug when I turned him down. Just a quick peck on the cheek, but it seemed the right thing to do. It's only now that I realize I deliberately kissed a man because I was thinking like a woman and it was the right thing to do. Dad always says one lie leads to another and that one leads to still another, until you get lost in the web of lies you have told. I don't want to think of me exploring being a girl as a lie, but I suppose it is. I am a guy, after all. Am I? I sure haven't been acting like it lately. Exactly one month ago today I left the house as Angel the Girl for the first time. Can it be that short a time? Could it be that long? Depends on the way you look at it. Mary Ann tries to understand, but I'm not sure she gets it. She really doesn't care if she's with Angel the Boy or Angel the Girl. If she has any doubts I haven't been able to see them. She's really amazing, I never dreamed I could love someone like I love her, and that she would be so willing to help me be what I want to be. I hope I am just as good to her, I try to be but I am never sure if I'm doing the right thing. Kind of a theme in my life these days, isn't it? Saturday, July 27 Today was the day. Mary Ann's parents came to meet Angel the Girl. You wouldn't believe how nervous I was. It was worse than seeing them just after we started going steady. I lost my ability to think. I couldn't decide what outfit to wear. I couldn't decide if I was going to run away from home. I couldn't decide if I wanted to use some makeup so I would look more like a girl. Mary Ann pointed out that I haven't been using any makeup and everyone at the library thinks I'm a girl because I have a face that is kind of neutral. With the wig and breasts I look like a girl, with the brush cut I look like a boy She doesn't use makeup except on special occasions, she says her face is good enough as it is and she doesn't need to hide it under a layer of paint. But today was a special occasion. (Do they tell that to prisoners before they march them out of their cell to the firing squad?) Not only were Mary Ann's parents coming to see me, but we were going out for dinner and dancing at one of the best restaurants in town. I wanted to look my best, even if I didn't want anyone to see me. This is very confusing. Grandpa has been teaching me to dance as a girl. He even manages to keep a straight face when I mov