Xena Versus The Spartans
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If I Told You, Part 5 free porn video
V.
Mary got better. She was up and about and had started driving again. She
was even eager to get back to work. Knowing that she was now out of
danger and was well on her way to making a full recovery took a great
load off my mind. Mary is my only sister, and sibling for that matter.
The winter and part of that spring that I spent being her nurse and
companion did a lot more than to help Mary heal. But there was a problem.
With Mary better it was time for me to return to New Springfield. As
simple as that sounds, there was more to it than that. Before Mary's
accident and my subsequent four month sojourn in Evanston, Illinois, I
had been working as the business manager/bookkeeper of The Owl and The
Pussycat bookstore. That sounds simple enough, I suppose, but I was Danny
Lanier. Well, I guess I still am, but that wasn't all I was. Sandi Harris
was also who I was, too. Sound complicated? You don't know the half of
it.
You see, it was those last three or four weeks at Mary's. At first she'd
wanted to see the clothes I'd taken with me to New York for my interview
with Bitsy Holland. At her request I left the clothes on as I took care
of her because as she said, "I like the way they look on you," I thought
it was a bother to keep changing, especially since it was just the two of
us. Then Mary wanted Sandi to meet her friends. After an evening with
these very pleasant women, it was a relatively easy step to forego men's
clothes for a day or two. The fact that I was gradually getting used to
the idea and that the clothes were enjoyable to wear added to it, as
well.
How did I get from a mild mannered business manager in a bookstore, to a
sometime nurse to a model on the verge of a career, and a female model at
that? Seems a little bizarre, you say? Oh, brother! Or, perhaps, now
you're saying to yourself, 'she was turning into a woman all the time.
Isn't that quaint that she couldn't see it for herself.' Well, let me
tell you that when I was in the midst of it, believe me, I had no idea
where all this was going.
Things were further complicated for me because I had the most insightful
sister on the planet, maybe even the galaxy. "Sandi," she said the week
before I was going back to New Springfield, "I think you like dressing
like Sandi, acting like Sandi, in fact I think you have become Sandi." At
which revelation I burst into tears, ran into my room and slammed the
door. Of course, as any of you who've been on such an emotional roller-
coaster know only too well, those were three things that I had absolutely
no intention of doing.
There I was trying to sort out my feelings. I needn't tell you that Mary
was right. After a few minutes I sat up, wiped my eyes and went back into
the living room. Moon Face, Mary's cat was pacing back and forth in the
hall in front of my door, his tail swishing from side to side. Yes, I
supposed he sensed that something was wrong. When he saw me, he seemed to
calm down. Apparently he had taken it upon himself to be my protector.
There was something about him, I don't know, that seemed absurd somehow.
In any event he made me laugh. I picked him up and hugged him, but
gently. Then he did something that surprised me. He licked my hand with
his sandpaper-y tongue. This very nearly set me off again. I really had
to get a hold of my feelings; this was getting ridiculous.
Mary was sitting in the living room observing all this and not saying a
word. Her face betrayed her. To say that neither of us had a poker face
was something of an understatement. We wore our hearts on our faces, on
our sleeves, wherever! She waited until I came back into the room. "Would
you like me to get something for you?" I offered.
"No thanks, Sandi. I was getting a little worried there. I'm really sorry
for making you so upset. It was thoughtless of me, please forgive me?"
"Mary, listen, of course I forgive you, but there's nothing to forgive."
I sat down in a big, comfortable, upholstered chair. My bottom hadn't hit
the chair before Moon Face jumped into my lap. I let out an involuntary
"oof"; unperterbed Moon Face proceeded to make himself comfortable.
Clearly my function in life was to make him comfortable, to stroke his
fur and to tickle him about the ears and under the chin whenever it
suited him. He knew he had me wrapped around his little paw when he began
to purr. Moon Face's little performance took the edge off my feelings for
the moment. It was just the diversion I needed.
"Well, Moon Face, as long as you're comfortable, I'd like to talk to Mary
if that's all right with you?"
I swear there was an almost imperceptible nod of his head. "Thank you,
Your Majesty," I said, with a tinge of sarcasm in my voice.
"Mary," I started again, "being with you these months has been great.
We've gotten a lot closer and we've had some really fun times. I have to
tell you, though, this 'Sandi business' has gotten my head turned around
in places that even I don't believe. For starters what is it with women's
clothes? Yet, when I put them on it's like some distant bell goes off in
my head and a little voice says 'this feels right.' Dressing in these
clothes," and I pulled at the sweater I was wearing, "has felt different
from anything I've ever worn before. Now I know you are going to say,
'duh,' but I'm serious. And now this is really going to sound silly, it's
like when I'm in my own clothes and it's just Danny Lanier, well, I sort
of feel like I'm in one of those stupid commercials, you know, where
everything is in black and white and the character steps through a
doorway and suddenly everything is in color? Danny is in black and white
and Sandi is in color. Do know what I mean?"
Mary had been nodding as I was speaking, but not saying anything. Now it
was like the floodgates were open!
"Listen, Danny,...Sandi,... whatever your name is," we both laughed,
"I've known you my whole life, and I love the person I know. Before a few
weeks ago when you called me that night, you were always Danny. Now
please don't get me wrong. I love Danny with all my heart. Now it's my
turn to maybe sound a little strange. Danny, you were always the person
with, oh, I don't know, um, with something extra. I mean you were like
all the other kids, and yet you weren't. Now, don't get any ideas. You
didn't have any secret powers like Clark Kent in 'Smallville.' It wasn't
anything like that. You were as much a boy as any boy out there. Oh, I
know, I was prejudiced; you were my older brother, even just a year
older, but older nonetheless. Lots of girls I knew idolized you. Now,
now, wait, let me finish; don't say anything. We would talk about you
from time to time. God knows there were a lot of my friends who did
nothing but talk about boys, but when the talk came around to you, it was
a little different. Everybody I talked to noticed something about you.
Among all your 'manly' traits of strength and things like that, they
recognized a, a kind of gentleness about you. This wasn't anything wimpy
or nerdy. It was that you were everything any boy ever was, but at the
same time, beyond those other things, there was this capacity you had.
You were genuinely interested in us girls.
"Now, I know that sounds dumb, but let me explain what I mean. Ninety-
nine per cent of the guys wanted either to impress a girl with how 'ahem,
ahem, masculine' they were, or they wanted to monopolize the conversation
so that the girl never did anything but make goo-goo eyes at them. Oh
God, and double dates were the worst. The two guys would be so busy
impressing each other about how wonderful they were that the girls could
never get a word in edgewise. I think that's why we went to the ladies'
room in pairs so we could talk without being interrupted by the boys!
Now, you were different. For one thing, you always seemed interested in
what the girls were talking about, even me, your little sister. You asked
a girl a question and, wonder of wonders, you listened to her answer. You
wouldn't believe how unbelievably rare that is. And another thing, you
noticed what a person wore. I remember that Mom and I had gone shopping
when I was about thirteen or fourteen and the next day I came down to
breakfast wearing one of the new outfits. You told me not some trite kind
of thing like, 'you look nice,' or anything like that. You said something
about how good it looked on me and how the color was a great match with
my eyes. Good God, Danny, most men probably don't know the color of the
eyes of the girls they go out with much less their little sisters. And
there you were making that comparison. I thanked you and glanced over at
Mom who was grinning from ear to ear. You didn't make a fuss about it
like you should get a gold medal for noticing or anything. It was just
something that you did. It meant the world to me.
"But you were like that with everybody. By God, you paid attention! Girls
die to get boys to pay attention. It's about the highest compliment you
can pay, and there you were doing it all the time. And just one more
thing. If there was something not right; I don't mean wrong with a
capital 'w', just not right, you asked about it. You didn't seem
frightened to ask a girl to tell you what was the matter, and to listen
to her answer, but more than that you always had a sympathetic word, and
you didn't think that it was your job to 'fix' whatever was wrong. So
that the girls would open up and ask you about your own feelings. You
didn't blab about yourself either, but if somebody asked, you told them.
It wasn't just 'I'm happy,' or the dreaded 'I don't know.' You could and
did talk about your feelings; girls understood that your own feelings
didn't frighten you.
"And now I think I know how all of that from those high school years fits
in with all of this. Sandi, please listen to what I have to say. In no
way is it a criticism of you. Besides the fact that you know I love you,
you also know I think you're a wonderful person. I think that 'little
bell going off in your head' is related to who you really are.
"For some absurd reason that old joke comes to mind. You know the one
where the three guys are out fishing and all of a sudden their lines are
snarled. As they reel them in, they see the lines are tangled around an
old lamp. They make all the snide comments about the genie. Then one of
them rubs it, and poof, out pops the genie. 'Since three of you caught
me, I give you each one wish.' They think and the first one says, 'I want
the most beautiful mansion overlooking the ocean.' Suddenly there's this
gleaming palace by the shore and the guy knows it's his. The second one
says, 'I want ten million dollars.' Poof, an envelope drops out of his
pocket with a bank statement. Sure enough: ten million bucks. The third
one thinks he'd like to have something that would really last. He pauses,
then asks the genie, 'I want you to make me smarter than the smartest man
in the world, no wait, ten times smarter than the smartest man in the
world.' The genie answers, 'Are you sure you want this, master, are you
really sure?' 'Yes, genie, do it now.' 'As you wish, master.' Poof, the
smoke clears and the guy is turned into a woman.
"O.K., it's an old joke, but the reason I was thinking about it is that
it all fits. That something special that you had back then. What was
Mom's word for it? Oh yes, your 'winning' quality. I know you know that
deep down every woman has something masculine in her and every man,
something feminine. In your case, that 'extra something' made you like
that last man in the joke. Inside the Danny I know and love is the real
you, not just something feminine, but a real woman, and now she has a
name: Sandi. Do you know what I mean?"
You know the worst thing about a person talking to you like that is that
you don't know whether to laugh or cry. As Mary was speaking, I was
forming objections in my mind, but I realized almost immediately that
what she said was true. I also realized that I was more excited than
frightened by it. Oh, yes, it was more than a little scary, but it didn't
feel like this was something I wanted to back away from. As she finished
I couldn't help it: the tears began to flow, but I was smiling, too.
I ran over to Mary and gave her the biggest hug. I was the luckiest
brother,...sister,...sibling in the world!
"Mary, I've been asking myself a hundred questions. I've been in therapy
with Dr. Hansen, I've lain awake nights trying to figure it out. And then
I come here and 'bingo'; you put your finger right on it. All those
things you are saying, I wanted to say 'oh no, that was no big deal,' or
'it's not as significant and you make it seem,' but in my heart of hearts
I know you're right. It's scary, but it's true. God only knows why it
took me so long to figure it out. And our good ol' American society is
not exactly friendly to such an idea, at least that's what I've read in
the articles I've seen on the subject. You know, that's one of the perks
of working in a bookstore: you get to see articles and stories in books
and magazines you'd never look at otherwise.
"Those articles about transgendered people were interesting and when I
read about how they had suffered for being the people they were, my heart
went out to them. It's just that I never imagined that maybe I was like
them. When this whole business started last year with the modeling thing
at Tony's shop, all sorts of ideas went shooting off in my head. That's
why I went to see Dr. Hansen in the first place. She's great, very
patient with me and extremely non-judgmental. I've felt that, since I've
been here with you, that the therapy process that began back then has
continued. But, now here's the thing, I didn't feel like I was 'a woman
trapped in a man's body' or anything like that.
"The 'little bells going off' in my head were sort of like that word
that's on the tip of your tongue? I could almost get the idea clear in my
mind, but not quite. To put it another way: now it seems as if I'm
looking through the camera lens and now I can almost see the image; if I
can just focus the lens a little more, the picture will become clear. I
realize that one of the images is that of, well, I guess, a sort of
jealousy. Sometimes I notice that I feel a kind of vague jealousy when I
look at a woman. Why does she get to act the way she does and do the
things she does when I feel the way she does and I'm being held back
somehow? The other thing is that I guess I've always known there's a
woman inside me, and not some feminine characteristics, but I didn't feel
that was a problem. I thought that everybody felt that way.
"I certainly never paid that much attention to it. First of all it was
not something that I was upset or unhappy about. It was the sort of thing
that one level I thought of as my secret weapon. Only later, much later,
did I realize that lots of people, I guess the great majority of people,
would have no idea what I'm talking about. Gradually over the last
several months, have I begun to realize that there's something I could
do about it. And, frankly, that scares me; who'm I kidding, it terrifies
me! But I feel like I've begun some kind of journey and I don't want to
turn back. It's scary because it's a journey into the unknown. Does any
of this make sense to you, Mary?"
"Well, Sandi, it does. It makes a lot of sense. You know, this may also
sound crazy, but women feel, with some justification, that they are more
highly evolved than men. You know, the 'Adam was the rough draft and Eve
was the finished product' sort of thing. It's true that the world needs
men and some of them are sexy and fun to look at, and others are
wonderful people, too, but, Sandi, so many men can be a dumb as
doorposts sometimes. They monumentally don't get it, especially about
women. As I said before, you were never like that. Now we both know why.
You are a woman. You've been a woman all along."
"Well, thanks, I think. No, seriously, I think this is the thing that's
been sort of 'there', all along, but out of focus, like I was saying
before.
"There's something else, too. I don't know where it belongs in all this,
but it's there. Being here these weeks with you, being Sandi, I realized
something, I didn't have to keep on trying. I could relax, really relax
for the first time. It's weird I know, but I hadn't been aware that I had
been trying so hard, trying so hard all my life. It has something to do
with keeping my inner woman secret, But I just now understood what the
'trying' was all about.
"For as long as I can remember, hell for longer than I can remember, I've
been trying to prove something. No, it's not trying to be a tough guy or
trying to compete with every guy I saw, it's more subtle than that. I
guess you would say that I was trying so hard to be a man. Now for the
first time in my life I don't have to try any more. Do you have any idea
what kind of weight that takes off my shoulders? It's the most amazingly
liberating thing! I feel like I've got a whole new lease on life.
"Suddenly for the very first time, I know what I want to do, but that
scares the hell out of me. Um, now give me a minute. It's hard even to
form the words. Wow! This is one hell of an emotional ride I'm on. O. K.,
O. K., let me try, um...well,...I want,...I want to be a woman
completely. I mean Danny is always here, but it's Sandi's turn now. I
want to be Sandi all the time now. I don't want to go back. I don't think
I could go back. But I have only the vaguest idea of what I should do.
Tell me, Mary, really, all this doesn't seem too weird for words, does
it? I mean you're not running out of here, shouting, 'my brother belongs
in the loony bin', are you?"
Now it was Mary's turn to come over to me. She drew me up so that we
could hug each other. We stood there, I don't know how long, and she gave
back to me in that hug a lifetime's worth of love and affirmation. It's
not as if she had ever withheld it. And especially in this conversation
she had been so supportive. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't
the total jumble that my feelings were in just then. Maybe I thought that
once I said that I wanted to be Sandi all the time that the clouds would
part and a ray of sunshine would shine on me and I could go riding off
into the sunset. Hah! It was more like I'd decided to climb Mt. Everest.
I think I've got all my gear packed. I've made my decision to go. Now all
I have to do is make the most treacherous journey of a lifetime.
We talked for a few more minutes, laughed and cried a little, too. But
all these new resolved thoughts were roiling around in my head and I was
feeling a sense of excitement and of dread at the same time.
You know, it never happens in this way, but it always does in the movies.
Have you noticed? Just as the climactic scene comes to an end there's a
knock on the door or the phone rings? I always wondered what the actors
would say if the phone didn't ring. "Gee, Mabel, aren't you expecting a
call?" "Why, Heathcliff, yes, from my long lost Aunt Esmerelda. I wonder
if she will call?" But I digress. The phone did ring and we both looked
at it and laughed, because we had been talking about coincidences like
that at breakfast that day.
"Sandi? It's Bitsy Holland. How's Mary?" That in itself wasn't too
surprising. Bitsy had been calling every week or so since I came out to
Evanston to take care of Mary. "She's doing great, Bitsy. She started
driving again this week and got the O. K. from the docs to go back to
work next week if she feels up to it. She's a new woman."
"Speaking of new woman, how are you, Sandi?"
Mary gestured to me to give the phone to her. "Bitsy, hi, this is Mary.
Before Sandi gets her two cents in, I wanted to tell you about her. She's
been great to me. Not only did she get to practice her nursing skills,
with me as the guinea pig, but it's been great fun having her around.
I'll really going to miss her when she goes back to New Springfield."
"Well, Mary, that's part of the reason I called. Listen, do you have an
extension so I can talk to both of you together?"
"Sure, sure, Bitsy, just give me a minute."
"Take your time, take your time, I'm not going anywhere."
I brought the extension over to where Mary was sitting and pulled up a
stool at the kitchen counter.
"I wanted to call you," Bitsy began, "about something that has come up at
the agency. Penny [that's Penny Thomas, my boss at the Owl & The Pussycat
back in New Springfield] and I talked about and we agreed that we would
talk to you. Our assistant business manager here at the agency, Linda
Norton will be going on maternity leave next month and I would have to
bring in somebody to take her place for the duration. Yes, I know, I
could hire a temp, and a good one, too, but Penny and I agreed that you
would be perfect to help us out. Penny made me agree to tell you that she
thinks it's too good an opportunity for you, and she didn't want you to
feel that your sense of loyalty to her would keep you from considering
it. I think that we could arrange to pay you more than what you're
making at the Owl & the Pussycat, quite a bit more in fact. Would you be
willing to give us a try? You could still do your work with Tony Di
Angelo and there'd be a lot of modeling opportunities, it you'd be
interested. What do you think, Sandi?"
I could see Mary grinning from ear to ear from my perch on the kitchen
stool. By this time she was also nodding her head vigorously, and
mouthing 'go for it, Sandi!'
"I, I don't know what to say," I stammered. Mary was glaring at me so
hard I thought she would bore a hole in me. Suddenly, it made me laugh.
In fact I was laughing so hard that I dropped the phone. Mary, bless her
didn't miss a beat.
"Bitsy, this is Mary, let me tell you from the look on her face Sandi is
excited, flabbergasted, terrified and eager all at the same time. From
the look on her face, she'd kill me if I said anything else, but I think
the idea is fabulous."
"Marrrrrrrrry!!" I stammered, more in exasperation than anything else. By
this time the three of us were laughing.
"Bitsy, this is Sandi. If a certain person I could name, ahem, would let
me speak," I glared over at Mary in mock anger. "I may be crazy, but
based on what you said to me on the phone and when I came to New York, it
sounds wonderful. Of course, Mary's right, I am terrified. A little fish
in an awfully big pond and there are piranhas everywhere. Crazy as it
sounds, without thinking about it, my answer is, gulp, yes."
Bitsy was pleasantly enthusiastic herself. It made me feel as if my own
excitement were not so far fetched. We agreed that she would call me the
next day to work out all the details. I would need a couple of weeks to
close up everything in New Springfield. So I asked for and she gave me
the time that I needed. We said our goodbyes and before I even put down
the phone Mary was doing a little dance and whooping and hollering. She
grabbed me in her imitation of a bear hug, planting kisses on both
cheeks.
Three days later I was on the plane back to New Springfield to close one
chapter in my life and open another one.
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