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Choices, by Armond Note: this is a continuation of my story, 'Useful Information'. It helps to read that story first. 1. C-r-a-a-c-k! The wooden banister splintered on impact. All went slow motion: body slipping backward, hands grasping at air, emerald eyes, opening wide, dark red eyebrows, arching high, mouth opening to scream. She fell. Through the banister, toward the hallway floor, three stories below. "DEIRDRE!" "Una, wake up!" Ula said, giving her a sharp shake. "You're dreaming again!" Ula shook her head as the vision faded. She pulled long strands auburn hair out of her face. "Sorry, to wake you, love," she said, her chest still heaving beneath her white cotton nightgown. "That's the third time this month, dear," Ula said. "You've got to tell me what you see happening to Deirdre." "I can't! Nothing is clear. The futures swing like a pendulum," Una said. "One moment things are fine, then all is chaos, then all is well again. It's maddening!" Moonlight flooded their bedroom window, projecting the shadow of oak leaves on the bedroom wall. A westerly wind danced with the shadow leaves, shaking the branches of the oak, and scraping them against the side of the mansion, back and forth, back and forth. Lightening flashed; a faraway rumble - a storm was coming. Una and Ula gave each other a wide-eyed glance: - something is wrong! "You check Seanna," Ula said, jumping from their English poster bed into white fuzzy slippers, "and I'll look in on Deirdre." Moments later Una rushed into Deirdre's room, "Seanna's fine, how's-" Una froze mid sentence at what she found: Ula, sitting alone on Deirdre's bed, shoulders sagging, eyes tightly closed. A note shook in her hand. Una took it and read: Mother, I'm so sorry for what I'm about to do, God knows how horrible I feel. I have to, I have to, I HAVE to, there is no other way - it's this or die. When I switched with Scott, when I was Scott, I felt so right, so complete. Since then, I've thought of nothing else night and day. Poor Scott - help him, Mother, tell him I did this because I'm all screwed up. I love you, Aunt Una and Seanna so much, but you will never see me again. Don't try to find me. It will do no good - I'm fixing things so they can't be reversed. After you read this note, you must go to Scott's place - he'll need your help. I know he will hate me forever - I hate myself - but please tell him I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Love, always, Deirdre "The orb!" Una and Ula said in unison, and ran to the conservatory. There they found an empty puzzle box on the rosewood table. 2. The grandfather clock chimed 2:00 a.m. as the Nic Leod women left their mansion on the New England coast. After reading the note, they roused Seanna and herded her into the '79 Cherokee Wagoneer. Heavy rains splattered down as they drove past their mansion gate, and even with windshield wipers set on high, they could barely see the rural highway. Scott's lodo district loft took twice the normal time to reach because of the deluge. Finding his door unlocked, they crept in. From somewhere came a pained moan. "Scott?" Seanna said, and followed the sound to his bedroom. "Oh God no!" A naked woman lay face down on the bed, her auburn hair hung limp on her head, wet with sweat. Handcuffs locked her arms and legs to iron- wrought bedposts; blood oozed from her wrists and ankles where she had struggled with the cuffs. Duct tape covered her mouth and she moaned through the silver strips. "Deirdre?" On Scott's desk, they found a small key next to a milky white sphere - the orb. Ula unlocked the cuffs while Seanna pulled off the tape. Once freed, the woman scrabbled to the corner of the bed, hugging knees to chest with an arm. Her other arm hung limp at her side and twisted oddly at the shoulder. Her green eyes darted from person to person. "Scott?" Ula asked, softly touching the woman's arm. She swatted Ula's hand away as if it was a spider crawling on her. "Don't touch me!" Ula pulled back. "What did she... what did Deirdre do to you?" Ula asked. "I was ...was sleeping," Scott said, her voice soft and her words disjointed. "then ...I was in this body ...I tried to fight, but Deirdre was in my body, and ...shoved me to the bed. Then he ...he..." Scott's body shuddered and she started rocking back and forth. "Deirdre raped you?" Seanna asked, her red eyebrows rising. "Rape?" Scott said. "Oh god ... oh god... he kept saying 'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... But he didn't stop, he didn't..." "Scott, I need to ask something," Ula said. "This is important. Did Deirdre use a condom when, he, uh, entered you?" Scott stopped rocking; she stared at Ula with bloodshot eyes. "Condom? ...don't know ...burning inside ...shoulder's screwed up...hurts ...tried so hard to pull away..." "Scott, let me look at you to see if he did." Ula said. "DON'T - TOUCH - ME!" Scott yelled, raising her good arm in a defensive posture. "We're trying to help, Scott." Seanna said, taking Scott's hand in her own. "Please?" "You want to help me? Then get me back my body," she said, but lowered her arm. Ula brushed her index finger in Scott's vagina, bringing it to her nose to smell. Shaking her head, she whispered to Seanna, "Are you on the same menstruation cycle as Deirdre?" "We have been for years, why?" Seanna whispered back. "Are you ovulating?" "I uh, well, yes I am..." Seanna's red eyebrows arched "...oh shit! Do you think-" "Sssh! Get something to cover her up with while I talk with Una." Ula said, waving her hand for Una to follow. They walked to Scott's living room and sat on a dark green leather couch. Ula opened her mouth to speak but stopped. Her hands started to shake. "It's all right, love," Una said, "we'll work through this -" "How? I ...don't understand why Deirdre did this. Stealing Scott's body, then raping her so we can't switch them back. Why?" Ula's eyes grew wet. "Why?" "You think Scott is pregnant?" "Maybe, it's the only way the orb won't switch them. We can't test for a week or so, but a little voice is telling me...," she said, clasping and unclasping her hands. "Didn't you see this in your visions, Una? When we switched them before, you said there was no danger ahead." "No life threatening danger," Una said, staring at the plush white carpet. "I saw a future that..." She shook her head. "It doesn't matter what I saw... I knew something big was coming that muddied the potentials, but I didn't know what." Una looked to the bedroom, "Now I do." "I should have locked the orb away ...I should have reset it ...it was still tuned to them; that's how Deirdre did this without our help...I should have ..." Ula's jaw tensed. "Okay, let's get Scott back to the mansion. Her shoulder needs attention, but we can't take her to a hospital because we can't risk an investigation. The last thing Scott needs is to be charged with her own rape when we switch them back -IF we can- so we'll bring Dr. Sturgis to the mansion." Una's irises suddenly clouded from green to black, as her talent came on her. When she spoke, her voice droned. "The choices have narrowed; one way leads to ruin and one to-" Una's eyes returned to green. "What way? What did you see?" Una grabbed Ula's arm. "Such a hard road for her... she needs your love...though it goes against all you believe in, Ula, though it rip us apart even!" 3. The storm front stalled, blanketing the coastline with gray February rain and covering the mansion with gloom. Dr. Sturgis, an dear friend of the Nic Leods, took their phone call and was waiting at the mansion when they arrived with Scott. He treated her dislocated shoulder and placed her arm in a sling. He also found her vaginal tearing was minor and would heal. The real wounds, he diagnosed, were psychological, and before he left, he urged rape counseling for the woman he believed was Deirdre. Over the next days, Ula, Una and Seanna scrambled to construct a temporary cover story to explain Scott's disappearance, through a combination of emails, phone calls and the questionable services of a private detective agency the Nic Leods kept on retainer. To Scott's immediate family, a father in Iowa, a sister in Hawaii, the story was that a short-term UK research assignment in Scott's master studies program had suddenly become available and Scott was jumping on it. To the university where Scott was pursuing an MA in English, the tale was of a family tragedy and that Scott would be gone for several weeks. Day and night merged in a haze for Scott as she wandered the cold mansion halls like a ghost. She existed in oversized sweats, and was barely aware of details of eating, sleeping, or showering. Still, Ula resisted taking her to a counselor; she waited, hoping Deirdre would come to his senses and return, hoping Scott was not pregnant; hoping this crime could be undone. The waiting and hoping ended in the middle of the second week, when the early pregnancy test showed positive. Una poured a dash of cream into one of the cups of black Darjeeling tea, and brought them to the kitchen table where Ula sat. "What now?" Ula asked, forgetting to let the hot liquid cool before she sipped. It burned the roof of her mouth. "Now we stop procrastinating and get Scott the help she needs! She's simply not equipped to deal with this! Can't you see, she's drowning!" "I guess," Ula said, sighing. "I hoped the birth of our first granddaughter would be a golden time." "If she decides to have the baby, she will-" "If?" Ula said, glaring at Una. "Hun, it's Clan law, she's having this girl." "Are you certain our laws bind Scott?" "That's a Nic Leod growing in her womb and she must be born! I can't believe you'd even question this, though I sometimes forget you were a 'convert'." "Be very careful here, Ula. Are you going to tell her she has no choice?" "Damn right, it's best she knows so she can accept it. I'll tell her now!" Ula said, rising from the table and marching down the hallway. "Wait! Ula stop!" Una said, chasing after her, "this is wrong!" Una stopped in front of Deirdre's room and gestured with her hand for Una to be silent. She tilted her ear to listen to the conversation of the younger women. "...even though it's a bad answer, at least it's an answer." Seanna said. "Now we can do something." "Do? Do what?" Scott said. "End it. Get an abortion. If we find Deirdre and you are pregnant, you can't switch back, so the sooner we do this, the better." "What does that mean? How does it ...work?" "We?ll call a clinic so you can ask them. I think it's early enough that-" 'You'll do no such thing, Seanna" Ula said, bursting in the room, with Una right behind her. "You know our laws." "Are we spying, Aunt Ula?" Seanna said. "You too, Mother? Well, we're adults and don't need your permission." "It is forbidden in our clan; what don't you understand about this?" Ula said. "Look at her," Seanna replied. "You think Scott can bear a child? Are you insane?" "I wish to speak with Scott alone, please." Ula said, her voice becoming icy. "Una, will you and your daughter leave us?" Una stood a moment, her irises darkening as she weighed the futures. She turned to Seanna. "Come, daughter." "You don't understand, Mother," Seanna said. "Scott and I were finally back together and we planned to elope after his graduation in May. If we can't switch Scott back, then-" "Seanna! Let's go!" Seanna's face flushed crimson and her lips pressed together, as she looked from aunt to mother. "Don?t listen to her, Scott, she?ll trick you," she shouted, storming from the room. Una followed her, but stopped to whisper in Ula's ear, "Beware, lover, do not force your will on Scott. It will be a grave mistake. If you do, there will be consequences." A stunned look crossed Ula's face; Una had never threatened her in all their years together. After a moment, she sat next to Scott on Deirdre's bed. "Scott, you must understand-" "No... NO." Scott said, her eyes showing the first spark of energy since the rape. "You aren't... you can't ask me to do this..." "I have no choice, dear." Ula took the young woman's hand. "You're in my daughter's body and bear my granddaughter. A Nic Leod! You are familiar with only some of our history and abilities. The life you bear is special beyond your knowing." Scott yanked her hand away. "You can't make me... You can't force me... Get me out of this body! Get your sick ass daughter here and she can give birth to this thing!" "Don't speak that way, Scott, I really-" "I'll speak anyway I want," Scott said, the pitch and volume of her voice rising. "This is not like last time; I didn't choose any of this!" Pent rage exploded in Scott; her face turned red and the veins of her neck stuck out. "Your daughter did this to me, and you have the gall to tell me I have to bring a baby to full term? Like it's my moral obligation or something? Well, fuck you!" "You're upset. I'm sorry you have been put in this situation." Ula rose and walked out of the bedroom. Before walking down the hallway, she turned and gestured oddly with her hands. "We'll talk more when you calm down." After Ula walked away, Scott sensed something, and scrambled to the doorway. There, she smashed into an invisible barrier blocking her way. "You bitch!" Scott screamed, hammering her good arm against the unseen wall, "You're as sick as your twisted daughter!" She slumped to her knees. "I hate you!" 4. "Scott!" Seanna whispered, shaking the sleeping woman. "Wake up." She put a finger over Scott's lips as she started to speak. "Sshh, quiet." Scott sat up in bed, her hair a tangled mass of red. "How did you get in here?" "With my mother's Aqua Aura." Seanna held up a glowing crystal, its blue light illuminating the dark room. The light showed the broken pieces of lamps, vases and chairs that lay scattered about. "We're lucky she left it out in her room. If you hold it tight in your hand it acts as a bio-magnetic shield. I was able to walk right through Ula's barrier. I like what you've done with the place, by the way." "I... lost my temper and smashed some things. I may have gotten carried away," she said, looking down. "Can we both use the crystal to get out of here?" "Uh, no, but this will work out to our advantage, I think. While you've been trapped in here, I've called some local clinics. After I took the crystal today, I booked an appointment for you at the New England Ob/Gyn Clinic for tomorrow morning. Because it's so early in the pregnancy, it can be ended without surgery. You take a pill or something. They'll explain it to you." Seanna handed Scott a black fanny pack. "I've written the address and appointment time down on a note and put it in this. You'll also find Deirdre's Mastercard, driver's license, and as much cash as I could scrape together. The keys to her Outback are in there too; I parked it down the road this afternoon so you could start it without waking Mother or Ula. Go for it, love." "You're not coming with me?" "No, the crystal only works for the one holding it. Anyway, I'm going to pretend to be you to buy you time - you know, lay covered up in bed, constantly yelling obscenities and breaking stuff the way you have for the last two days. That should be fun." Seanna said, giving a half smile. She took Scott's hand and placed the blue crystal in it. Scott stared at the glowing stone. The blue light lit her face, highlighting her high cheekbones and tinting her hair purple. "I have to do this, Seanna? An abortion is so final. There?s no other choice?" "No, Scott, not for us. I can?t love you in that body; not the way we want." "But the other time I was switched, you were going to... show me things when I was in this body..." "I wasn?t aroused by Deirdre?s body, only by you being in it and learning what I feel. I?m not sure if I can love you that way if this change is permanent." I can't go out like this and do what you?re asking... alone, in this body... please, Seanna! Don?t make me do this..." "Be brave, love, remember, this is our first step to getting our dream back." She brought Scott's hand to her lips and kissed it. "Do this for us." 5. Una watched again in horror the wooden banister split, and the woman's eyes widen in terror as she fell through the banister. She looked somehow different in this dream, her hair or body or something, and one arm was oozing bright red blood. A flash of metal ...a knife? Then a shadow of a man crowded the dream with darkness. As she fought to wake, she thought she heard Ula scream the name, "Connie!" Una sat upright in bed and looked at Ula, who was snoring softly. "Did you say something, love?" "Wha-ah- mabjel..." Una giggled. "Never mind, dear, go back to sleep." She rose and walked to the bedroom window to gaze at the estate gardens. A drizzly fog covered the hedges and dormant flowerbeds. -will it ever clear up? -why this dream? why does it keep coming, no matter which future I steer toward? what does it mean? In the distance, Una heard a car starting. Her heart skipped a beat and her face tensed with worry, but she smiled and whispered: "May the hills lie low, may the sloughs fill up, in thy way. May all evil sleep, may all good awake, in thy way. Fare well, Scott." 6. She ran from building entrance to building entrance to avoid getting wet. Of course there were no parking spaces near the clinic and she had ended parking many blocks away. She might have parked in a handicap space, but she didn't think of that until her blue jeans and navy sweatshirt were hopelessly wet. Instead, she stood shivering under an old gray limestone-building awning, colored grayer by the steady rain. -why is this happening to me? "Beautiful morning for a walk." The voice came from a door to the building Scott was hugging. A white bearded man, dressed in black priest's robes grinned at her from the open door. "Oh, hi, I won't be here long, I'm trying to make it to a building a couple of blocks over without getting completely soaked." "You may have lost that battle, child; I'm looking for a dry spot on you and I don't see one," the priest said. "In my right shoe, there is a part of my sock that is still dry, I think." The man gave a rumble of a chuckle. "Would you care to come inside and have some hot tea or coffee to warm up?" She nodded yes, for she could barely keep her teeth from chattering, and hot tea sounded God sent. Myrrh incense, golden candle glow, and soft silence enveloped her as she followed the robed man into the building. Life-size golden Byzantine icons from Old and New Testaments, stared at her from the mission walls. "I love this smell," Scott said, breathing in the peace. "Is this a Catholic Church, Father...?" "Father Antony, at your service, young lady," he said. "This is an Eastern Orthodox mission, St. Mary's. The humble room you are standing in is the Narthex, or the lobby, of the church. That screen of icons there, with Archangels Michael and Gabriel, and Mary and baby Jesus, and Christ is the iconostasis. On the other side of it is the altar." The flickering red vigil lights flooded warmth over Scott, and she stopped shivering. "I've never been in an Orthodox church. Could I look at the altar?" "Um, no, I'm sorry; women are not allowed behind the iconostasis." "But I'm not..." Scott sighed, remembering the body she was in and what she was doing with it. "Never mind. Don't worry about the tea. I should be going. The clinic is just two blocks over?" She instantly realized her mistake in mentioning her destination when she saw Father Antony's face flinch. Father Antony's bushy white eyebrows lowered and pulled together, furrowing his temple. "You are not going to the clinic for an abortion, are you, young lady? Because that is murder! Please tell you are not going to commit a murder to cover up your sexual irresponsibility!" "WHAT?" Scott said. "You have ...no idea ...what I'm going through!" She spun around and walked quickly to the door. With her good hand on the doorknob, she turned to him. "I was raped, if it matters to you." The arm sling and the faded bruises on her wrists registered with the elderly man. "Oh my! I'm so sorry, child. I didn't know. Still, the Church does not condone abortion even in cases of rape, only where the mother's life..." Father Antony saw from her hard-set expression that she had stopped listening; he hung his head. "Oh, dear, I've messed this terribly..." He looked up again. "Wait... I want to give you something." "If it's a pamphlet, don't bother." "No no ...it is an icon of the Theotokos, the mother of God." The old priest started poking around in a battered cabinet for a moment, bringing out a small charcoal chunk. Rummaging further, he gave a sudden "ah ha!" and pulled out a small object. "I found you a bit of the incense you smelled when you came in; take it," he said, holding the black chunk out to her. She smelled it and slipped it in her jean's pocket. "More importantly, I want you to have this." He held his other hand open to her. In it, lay a wooden rectangle painted with a gold background. In the foreground, a red robed woman held a child in her arms, with halos encircling their heads. "Mary was a pregnant, unwed young woman too, yet she submitted to the will of God. Can you imagine what the world would be like if she hadn't chosen life? Please take this gift and just ...think about it ...about her." Scott took the icon in her hand. She looked first at Mary's serene expression, then at Father Antony's wrinkled and worried face. "You're saying she had a choice, then?" "I ...well, not in the way you-" "That's all I want, a choice," she said, as she opened the door to the gray cold rain. "But all my choices have been taken from me." 7. "ENOUGH, Ula, leave Seanna alone!" Una said. Una heard Seanna cry out, and had run into Deirdre's bedroom to find her daughter pinned against the bedroom wall with an invisible force. "She's helped Scott escape, and probably helped her find a way to kill my granddaughter." Ula said, her eyes narrowing at Seanna. "One more time, where is Scott? I will have answers." She raised her arms again, palms pointed at Seanna. "Mother!" Seanna gasped as the invisible barrier pushed against her. "Help me!" A black stone wand appeared in Una hand; she pointed it toward Ula. The energy holding Seanna to the wall suddenly stopped, and Seanna tumbled to the floor. "Go, dear; I'll deal with Auntie." Una said, keeping her wand leveled at Una. Seanna scrambled to her feet and ran for the door, leaving the two older women to face each other. "You go too far, Ula, Seanna is my daughter. You will not touch her again." "Una! You know I would not have seriously hurt her, I just wanted to scare her into telling me where Scott was." Ula walked close to Una. "But how selfish she is. She knows how special this baby would be, and yet she pushes Scott to end that life. We ...you ...were too lenient in raising her; this is the result." "Too lenient?" Una said, and gave a bitter laugh. "And what of your parenting skills, dear? Deirdre set everything in motion, not Seanna. How could you not know of her unhappiness with her gender, her life? Didn't her addiction show you? Signs were everywhere, but you missed them all and so Deirdre stole Scott's body and raped her; not to conceive a precious Nic Leod life, but to trap another human in that body. Do not speak to me of failings, Ula." "How unfortunate you left our Aqua Aura out in plain sight for Seanna to find, but how fortunate you had our jet wand with you now, and fully charged too? But you do know where Scott is, don't you! Will you tell me, or are you working against me too?" "Why do you say these things to me? You?re sick, Ula." Ula slapped Una across her face as hard as she could. For a moment the women simply stared at each other in stunned silence. "I ...I didn't mean to ...I'm sorry...it's just that I must save that baby..." Ula said, and lunged to hug Una. Una pushed her away. "Perhaps ...it is time for us to go our separate ways. The Cailleach has been after me for years to move to Skye to study with her. Maybe Seanna and I should-" "NO!" Ula fell to her knees, and started sobbing "No, I've lost Deirdre and now I am to lose you? Everything is gone..." Una took Ula's chin in her hand and gave it a hard tilt up. "Stop your crying. Forget about Deirdre; it?s Scott who needs you. She's dealing with ...so much and, until now, she's been doing it alone. We learned how strong she was when she endured Deirdre's drug withdrawal, but no one is this strong - she's at her breaking point." Ula's red eyebrows raised straight up as meaning finally broke through her walls of denial. "Oh God!" she felt she was going to puke, holding her stomach as a reflex. "Oh Una, I'm a monster!" "Get up off your knees and go to her." "...how will ...how can I find her?" "We employ a detective agency don't we? They track credit card use, don?t they?" "How will that help, I-" "When she checks into a hotel, she'll use the card." "How do you know she will-" "I know." "Suppose I find her and she tells me she is going to abort-" "You figure it out, Ula. You said it yourself, you've been a monster. Why don't you start by thinking about what is best for Scott." "Okay, yes! I'll call the agency, they?ll track her..." Ula popped up from the floor and started to run from the room. Suddenly she stopped. "But ...have I lost you, love? Have I truly lost you?" Una shook her head. "One crisis at time, dear. Focus." 8. "Go away or I'll call the police!" Scott said, when she saw Ula through the peephole of her hotel room door. She quickly dead bolted and chain- locked the door. "Please, Scott, I only want to talk with you. I want to help you-" "Like when you locked me in Deirdre's room?" "That was wrong... I was wrong... I'm so sorry-" "Everyone keeps telling me how sorry they are, but what does that mean, really?" Scott said, her volume rising. "All I am to you is a caretaker in your daughter's body, a... a piece of equipment, a baby factory. You don't care about me-" "Scott please let me in. What you say is true, and it may have ...cost me my lover to see it. I couldn't accept that my daughter did this crime to you, and abandoned her life, abandoned me. I thought, if I just held things together, if I made you have the baby, then Deirdre would come to her senses, come home, and take over raising the baby. I ignored you, what you've been going through... are going through still. I failed you ...please let me try to help you now..." Ula stood perfectly still as she waited outside the hotel door. The wind spat a mix of rain and snow against her, numbing her face. At last, Ula heard more clicking sounds and then silence. She tested the door; it swung open. Inside, she saw Scott sitting on the bed, wrapped in a wooly blanket, staring at the wall. Ula walked in, smelling a smoky fragrance of myrrh rather than the sweet sterile motel room scent she expected. She saw Scott's wet jeans and sweatshirt hanging by the sink, dripping. Papers lay spread over the fake wood desk. Next to them lay a small golden icon. Ula's shoulders slumped when she saw the papers were medical forms. "Did it ...hurt, at the clinic?" "How do you know I went?" "Our detective agency tracked Deirdre's credit card there ...and here also." "That's how you found me? I thought it was your magic or Una peered into the future or something," she said. "Did it hurt? No, cause nothing's happened. They did an ultrasound, and counseled me - they were very nice - I learned all about the body I'm in, a real biology lesson. Then they gave me these." Scott's hand came out from the blanket, holding two light yellow cylinder shaped pills. "After I take 'em, and after I take some different pills in three days, my body will spit out the, uh, embryo." Ula's mind screamed: -grab the pills! throw them outside! Instead, she turned the desk chair to face Scott and sat down. "What did the ultrasound show?" "It's just a little spot, not much of anything as far as I could see. But they said it was ...the real deal ...a baby forming ...right ...here." Scott said, her voice becoming softer with each word. -the baby's alive! if I can only convince her to... -no! I - will not - do this to her. Ula shook her head and took a deep breath. "Scott ...love ...I want you to know, I'm here for you. Have the baby or don't, stay in Deirdre's body or return to your own ...whatever you do ...I will help you and support you." "I don't understand, I thought you wanted me to have this child." "I did... I do!" -calm, be calm... "But it's not about what I want, it's about you. You've been forced into this nightmare; terrible things have been done to you, many by me. You need ...support and counseling and ...and love. I want to care for you, if you'll let me. Scott's eyes grew wet, and she quickly turned her head. It struck Ula that she'd never seen Scott show an emotion other than her rage at being trapped in Deirdre's room. When Scott looked back, her eyes were dry. "Okay ...say ...I believe you. What do I do?" Ula took a risk and sat next to Scott on the bed. She took Scott's hand and stroked it. "You know my thoughts; I want you to have my granddaughter. And, our Clan law is clear on this-" "So is the Church," Scott mumbled. Ula cocked an eyebrow, but let the statement pass. "But what I want or what the Clan law says isn't necessarily the right thing for you. Say you have the baby ...will you be bitter? Will you hate the child for what she represents? Will you lose Seanna forever? Will you never see your family again?" Ula pulled Scott's tangled hair from her face and caressed her cheek. "Say you abort, then you can switch back to your body if we find Deirdre. But if you abort, this life is ended" Ula hand now rested on Scott's stomach. "Love, we may never find Deirdre." Scott bit her lip. "I know all this. I keep thinking these things over and over. What is the right thing to do?" "Honestly? I don't know. Maybe there is no right thing to do." Ula wrapped her arms around the blanketed young woman. "Whatever you decide, I'll support you, without question or judgment. As your mother, if you'll let me." Scott hung her head, "I'm don't know if I can do that ...my own mother-" "I understand," Ula said, "I would never presume to take your birth mother's place, but-" "No, let me finish. My mother died when I was two; I don't remember her at all. My father ...couldn't handle raising toddlers - my sister was three- and hired a nanny until we were old enough for boarding school. It was a great school, and the teachers were friends, but I ...I guess what I'm saying is I don't know how to be a daughter, or even a son, to a mother. I knew I?d be a great dad, because I?d be there for my kids all the times my father wasn't for me. I ...don't know how to be ...a mother" It all made sense; Ula had never seen Scott cry because she grew up holding emotions in, always relying on herself. No wonder she was so strong. But how lonely her life has been. Ula wanted to take the poor girl in her arms and cradle her, not because she looked like Deirdre, but because she was Scott, lost and desperate and trying so hard. "I'd be honored to be your mother, whether you remain in this body or you switch to your old one." Scott's eyes grew moist again and she looked away again from Ula. "Scott, love, let it out, you need to." "I can't do that... I..." Scott's lips pressed together. "What you said, what you offered... means a lot to me..." She hesitated, then reached for Ula's hand. "I'll come back to the mansion tomorrow morning to let you know what I've done. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I do need to do this on my own." "I understand, dear," Ula said. She hugged Scott again and whispered, "I love you." For several hours after Ula left, Scott bumped the hotel walls, looking out the window at the snowy night, turning the TV on and off, even looking at the Gideon Bible in dresser drawer. Somewhere between 2:00 and 3:00am, she let out a long sigh, and walked to the bathroom sink. She placed the pills on the counter, and next to them, she set the icon. "Time I decided." Abruptly, her eyebrows raised straight up. "'I'? Who am I? Do I even know?" Straightening her spine, she took her arm sling off and let the wooly blanket fall to the floor. For the first time since the switch, she looked at the naked image in the bathroom mirror, critically, closely. "How did I become this?" An image slammed into Scott's mind: of Deirdre wrenching her down... she couldn't move and she couldn't stop him and he pushed himself into her... -NO! Scott smashed her fists on the bathroom counter; pain shot to her injured shoulder and brought her back to the present. -no. can't think of that. can't! don?t think about what happened, just look in the mirror and say what you see. "I see... my hair is red, like... umm... dark red wine... and my curls fly everywhere." She smiled at that, and in smiling, noticed her lips. She licked them; blew through them. "Pah - pah - puffy red lips," she said, and laughed at her silliness. Her slender fingers touched her cheeks, "...so much smoother than my old face... and... I've got freckles on my nose... little red freckles. Holy crap! I'm cute!" The blinking of her dark red eyelashes in the mirror caught her attention. She leaned forward and stared at emerald green irises that shimmered with flecks of gold. "These are scary..." Her hands brushed down the side of her neck and to her breasts. Though the novelty of their weight had faded over the past days, she had been scared to touch them. She cupped them now, messaged them. "What would you call these? Busty? Ample? How do people describe these things?" Shrugging, she let her hands travel lower. She intended them to arrive between her legs, but they stopped at her flat stomach and naval, as if they had a mind of their own. "Hello in there." After gazing at her stomach for a long moment, she looked back into the mirror. "This is me." She stared at the pills on the counter. And at the icon. "Okay me ...choose." 9. "You need some tea." "Una, please talk to me... I'm so sorry about hitting you and the way I've been-" "Shush, I don?t want to hear it." Una handed Ula a mug of English Breakfast Tea. "I'm only doing this because you look so pathetic. Did you sleep at all last night?" "Not a minute," Ula said. She took a long sip, then set it down and drew her navy terry cloth robe tightly closed. She looked out the conservatory window at the snow-covered lawn. "I'm worried for her. Do you think she'll be okay driving in the snow? Maybe we should drive around to see-" "Don't need to, look-" Una said, and pointed at a dark green Outback slogging up the mansion driveway. Ula let out a long sigh. "Thank God." She rose to meet Scott at the door. "Ula? You're not exactly dressed." "Who cares a flip about that! I don't want that girl standing around in the cold." Una smiled, and rose from her chair. "I'll get Seanna and meet you downstairs." When Ula opened the massive oak door to the mansion, she found Scott, blowing on her hands for warmth. The snowfall was stopping, and the clouds showed patches of blue. "You poor thing! What a shabby welcome home. Come in here and get warm." Scott brushed snow off her hair and shoulders and walked in. "I wasn't here more than a few seconds, Ula. Sorry I didn't come sooner, but it took three forevers to blow dry my clothes with the room blow-dryer." Ula wrapped her arms around Scott and kissed her on the forehead. "Welcome home." She stood back and looked at Scott. It was obvious from the dark circles under her eyes that Scott had not slept either. "We're like a couple of owls. Let's get you in some clean clothes." "Yes, please, these are getting a little ripe. And thank you." "You don't have to thank me for this, dear, as I said last night, I want to care for-" "No, thank you for not asking what I decided, and just taking me in." Ula caressed Scott's cheek. "You're welcome; though you know it's eating me up inside." Scott smiled, and whispered, "I know, hold out your hand, and close your eyes." "Why? What for?" "An early Mother's Day present, maybe." Ula shrugged but closed her eyes and held her hand out. She felt something drop onto it. "Okay, you can look." Ula opened her eyes; in her palm lay two light yellow pills. "You ...you didn't ...your not going to..." Ula burst into sobs and gave Scott a bear hug. "Easy!" Scott said, laughing, "You'll squish the baby." They held each other until a voice called to them from the stairs. "You're going to have the baby? Why, Scott, why?" Scott looked up to see Seanna standing midway down the staircase, eyes growing wet, and jaw clinching. Una stood behind her. "I went back and forth all night with this." Scott pulled the golden icon from a pocket and looked at it. "I?ve ...never been religious, but someone told me to think about the Virgin Mary. So I looked up her story last night. When the angel Gabriel told her she was picked to give birth to Jesus - Mary chose - saying something like ?be it unto me according to thy word.? She didn?t ask for what happened to her either, but she damn sure had a say in how it would finish." "That?s all I wanted, but I was jammed body, and you were saying I had to get an abortion and Ula was saying I couldn?t get an abortion, and what I wanted didn?t matter. Deirdre still controlled my life: either I get an abortion and sit around hoping he showed up one day, or have the baby and wait to hand her off." "Then Ula came and told me she supported me no matter what." Scott gave Ula?s hand a squeeze. "That made all the difference." "So I chose - I want to bring this being to life." Scott put her hand on her stomach. "She needs choices too." "And I want to raise her, not turn her over to someone else, especially not Deirdre." Scott?s voice softened. "I thought, I hoped, that if I did this, there was a chance you and I could still be lovers, even in these bodies. "Well hooray for the brave little girl, hooray for Saint Scott," Seanna said. "But you are mistaken; I have no interest in you in that body, not sexual and not even as a friend." She walked back up a few stairs and stopped. "Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe you were always weak. It's fitting you are in a woman's body; I guess you never were much of a man." "Seanna!" Una said. "Shut up, Mother. I hope you and Una are happy now that you've destroyed our love." She turned and ran to her room. "I'm sorry, Scott," Una said, "she'll change her mind, she's just upset..." "I hope so." Scott looking away. "I knew this would be hard, but I didn't know it would be so hard, so soon." "Don't be sad, Scott" Ula said, turning Scott?s face to hers. "I'm so proud of you. Let's get you settled in the guest room, since Deirdre's room is condemnable at the moment. " "That's right. You need to rest today because tomorrow is going to be a busy one," Una said. "Busy?" Scott and Ula said in unison. "Yes, we'll need to get you a doctor, and you start your prenatal yoga classes in the morning," Una said. "Prenatal yoga... how did you know I'd... never mind." "Scott?" Una said with a serious tone. "I've also signed you up for rape counseling. You?ve a private session on Thursday and group on Friday." "I... no... I don't need that, do I, Ula?" she said, looking at Ula with wide, scared eyes. Ula hugged Scott close to her chest and stroked her hair. "I think so, love, you?re dealing with so so much and you've been holding it all in. I think you do need this. I'll go with you," she said, and mouthed a silent 'thank you' to Una. "No more delays, Scott, up to your room-" "Oh, about the name ?Scott,? I've decided it won?t work for a mother- to-be." "So you want us to call you... Deirdre?" Ula said. "No! That?s too painful. No, I've come up with one. I tried to do something feminine with 'Scott,' but found it is impossible. But my middle name is Connor, so I was thinking, maybe you could call me... Connie?" "Connie Nic Leod. I love it. Connie is a beautiful name, don't you think, Una?" Ula said, turning to her. Una nodded her head yes, but her face had drained white. end, Choices, part 1.