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Caterpillar Girl Self Perception The sun shinned down on Joe as he drove to his grandmother's home. He had to spend that day cleaning out that house. It was not how he wanted to spend that beautiful spring day, but he and his sister, Desiree, had promised their mother that they would do it. The old woman had died two months earlier, and her house was on the market. Their mother had already taken what she wanted for the home, but there were still quite a few items in the house. They went into it and cleaned out the first floor in under an hour. They then went up to the upstairs and cleaned that out in less than two hours. They took a break and ordered a pizza around 12. After lunch, they both headed up to the attic. It was the only part of the house that they had never been in before. They were not sure if their grandmother even used it. They headed up the attic stairs and looked around. There was nothing unusual. There were some old pictures, holiday decorations, books, dishes, and silverware. They placed what they wanted into the U-haul truck that Joe had rented, and they threw the rest into the trash. As they finished filling the truck, they still needed to make two more trips into the attic to get the rest of the stuff. As they sifted through a plastic crate full of books, they found a small wooden box. A small, heavily rusted padlock held the box closed. They were both curious of its contents. Joe carried the crate of books down the stairs and placed it on the kitchen table. He then went into the truck and went through his grandfather's tools. He grabbed a hammer and a pick, and he headed inside. Desiree took the wooden box out of the crate and placed it on the table. Joe put the head of the pick into the most rusted section of the lock and struck the end of the pick's metal handle with the hammer. The lock broke apart with that one blow. Desiree reached over and pulled the lock off the box. She threw it into the trash and opened the box. They looked intently at its contents. They were both disappointed. It was just an old book. This was not much of a surprise to either of them, seeing as the box had been in a crate filled with books. Desiree lifted the book out of the box and opened it. She started to read its print. Desiree stopped as she saw the words change before her eyes. She dropped the book to the floor. Joe turned to her and saw the startled look on her face. He asked, "What's wrong?" "The words changed." "What?" "Joe, the words in this book changed when I started to read it." "What? Let me see that book." Joe opened the book and thumbed through it. The book appeared to be normal. He looked to his sister and asked, "Did you tap Grandma's secret gin stash?" "No. I'm telling you, the words in the book changed when I started to read it." "Sure they did," Joe responded as he placed the book on the table. Desiree took the book in her hands and saw the address printed on the back. "Joe, there's a stamped address on this book. It doesn't look like it's always been there. It looks newer than the rest of the book," Desiree remarked as she looked at the book. "Maybe, a bookstore stamped the book." "I guess," Desiree said as she started to read it. She looked over the various sections of the book. She looked to Joe, who was resting on the one chair they had not yet packed away, and said, "This is a magic book." "A what?" "A magic book." "Oh, don't put a spell upon me," Joe said as he pretended to be afraid. Desiree smiled at him and said, "Oh, this one is good." Joe thumped his chest and said, "Let me have it." Desiree smiled as she chanted, "Your fellow man may now call you brother. By this chant's end, you shall be the other. Let no one ever again in truth call you mister. From this day forward, they shall call you sister." Desiree froze as she finished chanting the spell. Joe saw the shocked look in her eyes. Joe looked down at himself after hesitating a bit. He saw two mounds protruding from his chest. Joe froze, and Desiree started to laugh. "Oh, my God, it worked. Oh, I've got to bring this to work," Desiree exclaimed. Joe failed to see the humor in the situation. He looked to her and shouted, "Change me back!" "Oh, but you look so much prettier now," Desiree retorted. Joe lunged at her. He landed his left foot awkwardly and dropped to the floor. As Joe struggled to get off the floor, he saw the heels on his feet. Desiree grabbed her stomach as she laughed at him. Joe stood up after he kicked off his heels. He tried to catch her, but Desiree was able to elude him. Joe found that his legs were constricted by a short skirt. It made him take smaller steps. Joe looked at Desiree as he stopped to catch his breath, and he noticed that she was the same as size as him. Joe put his head down and stopped running after her. He rested his hands on his pantyhose covered legs and looked up at her again. She was still laughing at him. After he caught his breath, he asked, "Could you please change me back?" Desiree laughed and said, "Sure thing, sister." Joe was not amused. Desiree started to thumb through the book, but she could not find a reversal spell. She put the book down and started to read through it furiously. Joe was shocked by this turn of events. He looked to her and asked, "Are you joking me?" Desiree shook her head as her eyes scoured the pages. After 20 minutes, she looked at Joe's stunned face and said, "There are no reversal spells in this book. There's not even a spell that could be used to turn you into a different man." Desiree looked at Joe and noticed a purse on the kitchen counter. "Joe, whose purse is that?" "I didn't see that before," Joe said. Desiree walked over to it. She picked it up and placed it before Joe. Joe opened it up and looked over its contents. He pulled out a license from a small pocket in the purse. He shook his head and showed it to Desiree. Her eyes fixated on the picture. She looked up at Joe and said, "It's yours." Joe took the drivers license back from Desiree. He went through the rest of the purse's contents. He saw his work ID card, but it now read Josephine Gore instead of Joseph Gore. He had the same job, but his picture, name, height, and sex had changed. Joe put it back into his pocket book and looked at his sister. She put her head down and said, "What are you going to do?" Joe looked at her and said, "Did you say that the book had an address on it?" "Yes, it's pretty close too." "We have to go," Joe said quickly. He hurried over to his heels. He thrust his feet into them, and they headed out of the house. Desiree carried the book and her pocketbook to the car, while Joe froze in the doorway for a minute. He never felt as exposed as he did when he saw just one neighbor of his grandmother's outside. Desiree looked at him and said, "Come on, Joe." Joe closed the door behind him, and he put his hand out to hide his face and used his other one to pull down his skirt. Although he was doing it to try to hide himself, his actions drew the attention of the neighbor. Joe's face bunched with every step. He had heard his sister complain about wearing heels before, but he always thought she was fabricating the whole thing to gain sympathy. Consequently, he never paid much attention to her complaints. As he walked towards her car, he realized that she was telling the truth. He then sat down in the car, and he saw how far his short skirt had ridden up. Desiree laughed a bit as he pulled it down with great haste. Desiree drove him to the store. She parked a block up the road from it. They got out of the car, and they walked up the street. Joe saw many men leering at his body. He kept pulling at his short skirt to make it go down as far as possible, but that only drew more attention to his long legs. The looks that he received made Joe sick to his stomach. Fortunately for him, the walk was short. Joe and Desiree walked into the bookstore. The storekeeper came out and greeted them. He asked, "What brings you in here today?" "Well, my grandmother's book had this address stamped on it, and I need some help with it," Desiree replied. "Lucinda's book!" The storekeeper exclaimed. "Who's Lucinda?" Joe asked. "Lucinda the wood nymph! My family has long been tied to this book. I know all its secrets." "What secrets?" Desiree inquired. "Um, nothing, no secrets. Uh, I'll give you 20 bucks for it. The bindings pretty old and the book is kind of moldy." "I can't get rid of this book. It did something to me!" Joe replied. "Oh, dear, you used it. Didn't you? What did you do?" "I didn't do anything! My sister turned me into a woman." "And now you've found that the book doesn't contain any reversal spells, so you came to me to try to get your bits and pieces back, right? It's always been the same old story for the 1ast 1600 years." "Yes, can you help us?" "Not in the way you want me to!" "Well, can you please tell me how you can help?" "First, what spell did you use?" Desiree opened the book and showed the spell to the man. He winced as he said, "Oh, that spell gives a 24 hour window to counteract it. When 24 hours have passed, you will never remember being anything other than what are you now. Only the one who cast it will know you were once a man." "Well, how do I counteract it?" Joe asked. "For you to have any chance at undoing that spell, you must find the Knight of Gwydion before your window of opportunity closes. He shall test you. If you pass, then you'll be restored. If not, well, you're a woman forever." "You've got be kidding me," Joe responded with a dumbfounded look. "No, I wouldn't say anything but what I mean." "A knight! What knight? We're in New Jersey!" "Yes, we are, and so is the Knight. His lair is deep within the Pine Barrens." "Oh, this is getting more unrealistic by the second. How did a knight get to New Jersey?" Joe asked as he crossed his arms. "Only the Knight knows that." "Oh, come on," Joe responded. "Look, do you really want to sit here blabbering on about the Knight? You only have a small window of opportunity to get your body back." Joe was silent for a minute before he said, "Where in the Pine Barrens is the Knight?" "His lair is in Wharton State Park. I must also warn you that not everyone who has gone in has come out." "That place is huge. Where can I find the Knight?" "I can tell you only this. Drive to Basto Village. Then drive over to Tylertown Road and head north. Then turn left onto Basto. Then go north up Goodwater Road. Keep driving north until you reach the point where the road forks. When it forks, take Penn Swamp Branch Road. Then you should park a half mile up the road from where it met Goodwater Road and march north." "Is there anything more you can tell me?" Joe asked. "I'm afraid not. You'd do well to leave now, and be careful," the storekeeper said. Joe nodded and walked to the door. Joe and Desiree then strolled onto the street and headed for her car. Before Joe entered the car, Desiree clutched his arm and said, "Being a woman isn't that bad. It's too dangerous to go in there. You won't even remember being a man, so there won't be any internal torture in it. You won't be a man in a woman's body. You'll be a woman in a woman's body." Joe thought about what she said for a second. He stared at her as he heard a man walking by whistle at him. Joe turned and faced the fat, balding, middle-aged man. He gave Joe a wink and a lusty glance. "We have to go now. Take me to my house, so I can grab my car and head down there," Joe hastily said as he stepped into the car. Desiree stepped into the car and said, "Don't do it. There are snakes and the Pineys. The Pineys' don't like outsiders." "Look, they spread those rumors themselves, and I don't think they're in the park, so I probably won't run into them." Desiree put her head down and said, "I'm going with you. It's my fault. I shouldn't have chanted a spell." "It's not really your fault. No one would have believed that that spell would have actually worked." "I'm still going with you, and I think I have some snow boots in my trunk. They'll probably be easier to walk in than those shoes. Should I pull them out?" Joe nodded. Desiree pulled the boots out, and she handed one of the pairs to Joe. They fit Joe like a glove. With that taking care of, they headed off towards the highway. Joe navigated by using an old map that was in the glove compartment when Desiree bought the car. After a long drive, they passed Basto Village. They then drove to where the storekeeper told them to go. They saw a small clearing on the side of the road. They slowed down and pulled off the narrow road. They hid the car behind some brush before they started to march through the forest. After they had marched a mile into the forest, a sudden rain shower stormed through the area. The driving rain drenched them and made the sandy soil ground beneath them turn to mud. They didn't give up. They marched on as the whipping rain stung their faces, arms, and Joe's pantyhose covered legs. As suddenly as the storm came, it passed on. Their hearts raced through the rest of the afternoon. They could barely see what lay before them. They were on the look out for snakes, foxes, illegal hunters, and anything else within the forest. They marched on through nightfall. The dark sky was only lit by the full moon above. They walked on the muddy soil and the wet leaves. Their dampened clothes made the cool night seem much colder. Their teeth chattered incessantly, and they were always on alert. They listened for strange sounds, but they heard only the noise of frogs, insects, and their own teeth clicking together. A loud sound was heard from behind them as they continued to march through the forest. It did not sound like anything that either one of them had ever heard before. They froze in place and heard the sound that now seemed to be coming from in front of them. Desiree grabbed hold of Joe as their eyes scoured the landscape. They heard it flying above and faintly saw the outline of the beast as it darted across the moon. It swooped down at them, and Desiree fell to the muddy ground. She pushed herself up and saw the beast swoop down at them again. Joe saw the outline of its form as it flew across the moon. It had a long neck, a horse like head, and was easily four feet long. "What is that thing?" Desiree screamed. "It's the Jersey Devil," Joe responded. It swooped down at them again when they tried to flee. Joe fell to the ground. Desiree desperately fiddled with the contents in her purse as it slowly flew towards them again. As it swooped down past her, she shot it in the face with her mace. The beast let out an awful howl and landed a few feet away. Joe got to his feet, and they moved as fast as they could on the muddy soil, which was not fast enough to keep outrunning the beast. They heard it screaming behind them, and then they thought they heard it cursing. Joe turned around to look at it as it shouted loudly, "You're in error." "What?" Joe shouted in shock. "I try to help you, and then you go squirt acid into my eyes! You bastards." "What?" Joe shouted back again when he realized that it could actually speak. "Ow, bloody hell." "I thought you were trying to kill us," Joe shouted. "Oh, yah, that's what everyone assumes. Just because you're a huge winged monster, everyone thinks you're trying to kill them. Get over yourselves. You're not so special. I only eat rodents and farm animals." "Are you all right?" Desiree asked. "Oh, yah, I'm just fine and dandy. I just can't see, and my eyes feel like they're on fire! You stupid SOB! Oh, God, the pain!" "Is there anything we can do to help you?" Joe asked. "Do you have a time machine? Oh, you bastards! I should leave you here for this! Ow, oh, it's getting a little better now." "Please tell us what you need to tell us," Desiree pleaded. "Go no further that way." "Why?" Joe asked. "Why do you think? You're going the wrong way. Go right." "What's to the right of us?" Joe inquired. "If you march on to the right, you'll find the Knight you seek." "Well, what's to the North of us?" Desiree asked. "The creek of damnation!" "Why is it called that?" Desiree asked in horror. "Well, Satan comes up at night and plays poker with Hitler, Stalin, Walt Disney, Mary Whitehouse, and the Pine Robbers. They all have a good time, but Satan will cast anyone who stumbles upon the game into the Hell fires," the Jersey Devil responded glibly. "Why?" Joe asked. "Well, it's very obvious from most vantage points that Satan likes to cheat, and he doesn't want the others to know." "Why would Satan care if they knew? It's not like they can do anything to him," Joe inquired. "Well, Satan's one of those guys that tries to be liked by everyone. Now, let's continue on. From what I can tell of you, Joe, you only have 12 hours before the spell is permanent." "How do you know all that?" Desiree asked. "I have an eye for magic. Now, follow me to the Knight's lair." Joe and Desiree followed the Jersey Devil through the forest. It flew ahead of them and made sure that nothing stood in their way. As they approached a clearing, they started to walk on ground that seemed to be dry. Joe cringed when his mud covered hosiery start to bunch. Desiree and Joe followed the Jersey Devil through the clearing. It said, "I know it's here somewhere." It turned as it heard Joe and Desiree scream. The solid ground gave way, and they were sucked beneath the earth. The ground hardened quickly above them as they continued to fall. The landed a few feet down and slammed violently onto the rock hard floor. "Oh, I forgot about that," the Jersey Devil said as it looked down at the ground. It shook its head and flew off into the night. Joe and Desiree were all little bruised by the fall, but they were not badly hurt. They quickly realized that they were in a poorly lit cave. They could barely see a few feet in front of them. Joe shook from the cold as he stood up. "Oh, shoot. I've got a run in my tights," Joe said as he felt his leg as he went to stand. Desiree looked to him and said, "Not the right time for that." Desiree suddenly felt a pinching on her neck. She fell to the floor. Joe froze as he looked around the dark cave. He placed his arms out and tried to move forward, but fell over a stone. He tried to push himself up, but he felt a rope being tied around his ankles. He was too weak in his feminized body to fight of the assailant. He was shoved into a burlap sack. He tried to push it off, but his efforts were futile. He suddenly felt as if he was being carried. He was then dropped hastily to the ground. He started to moan as he felt a stinging pain in his shoulder. He shouted, but no one came to his aid. He was confined in the sack for over an hour. His heart raced when the top of the sack was opened. He was dragged out of the sack, and his feet were cut free. Joe saw a tall man standing before him. Joe started to shake with fear. He pushed his body further and further away from the man until his arm slammed into a metal bar. "Joe, get me out of here," he heard his sister say. Joe turned and saw her in a cage. He turned around and saw the tall man who was looking down at them. Joe, fearing rape and for his life, pleaded to the silent man, "Please, let us go. Just tell us what you want. I won't tell anyone that you're here. I'm not even sure where I am. I'll give you what you want. You want this watch? It might be worth something." The silent man laughed and said, "You're here to see me. The Leed's Devil led you here because you want your manhood back." Joe nodded. "Good. Now, are you ready to do the task that you need to do to become a man again?" Joe nodded. "Good. Now, undress. I must have sex with you to end the curse," the man said hastily. "What? Are you the Knight?" Joe inquired. "Yes, I am. Now, undress." "But aren't Knights supposed to be men of virtue? You don't look like a Knight either," Joe remarked. "Look, who's the Knight here? Okay. Are we good? Now, undress." Joe complied with the man's request. He pulled off his mud covered boots, as well as his wet shirt and skirt. The man then said, "Stop, let me examine you." He moved towards Joe. He looked over Joe's curves. He pulled a sword out from a nook in the caves walls. Joe started to move backwards, but the man said, "If you retreat further, you will not only not be a man again, but you and your sister shall perish." Joe stood still as the Knight walked over to him with the sword in his hand. He ran the blade through Joe's long damp hair. He then softly ran the blade across Joe's breasts. He proceeded to pull it away from them, and he then ran it along Joe's cheeks. He pulled the sword away from Joe's body and threw it to the ground. Joe looked at him vacantly as he approached. He clutched Joe's body and plunged his face into Joe's neck. "Edward, are they here yet?" A voice called in. "No, my lord," Edward said with downcast eyes. Joe, clearly aware that the man he thought was the Knight was not who he claimed to be, shouted, "Yes, we are." The Knight came in and smiled at Joe and looked oddly at Joe's caged sister. "Edward, why is she in the cage?" "She was trying to attack me." "I was not. I passed out and woke up in this cage," Desiree protested. The Knight stared at Edward impatiently while Joe got dressed. Edward sneered and said, "Look I never wanted this. I was born into it, and I figured we'd have a quick journey and that would be that. But noooooooooooo...You had to make that deal with God to deal with this book of stupid spells entrusted to that wood nymph that God struck done because people associated her with pagans because she was sleeping with the enchanter. And why the hell are we in New Jersey? You're telling me that God couldn't bring that book back to Europe after the Vikings left it on this continent. I'm telling you. I'd kill all those bastards, if they weren't already dead." "Look, they wanted to get rid of it, so..." "What's with your langue?" Joe interjected. "Well, God alters our vocabulary to keep us up to date. It wouldn't be useful to have us speak in a manner that is not understandable to those who come to us with their problems, now would it?" The Knight replied. "Well, why are you in New Jersey?" Joe asked. "God has made us follow that book where ever it goes." "Oh, yah, that's a great system," Edward interjected with a sneer. "Look, Edward, it's a good and noble and pure life." "A pure life would be fine for 38 years, but I haven't had sex in nearly a thousand years." "Oh, don't be such a whiner. We're only here until to the end of human existence." "I don't want to wait seven more years. Why can't we just go to this idiot's house and steal the book and burn it? That would free us. Wouldn't it?" "God doesn't want us to." "Well, then at least tell me why he didn't destroy the book? It surely would have been easier. None of this makes sense. This is the most stupid piece of tripe that has ever been expressed." "No, it's so simple. God didn't want to meddle in the affairs of earth." "God whacked the wood nymph!" "Look, don't condemn God. If it wasn't for him, we would actually have to take responsibility for the things that happen to us and around us. Would you really want that? Please! We are bound by his words alone." "Oh, there you go again with this sacred mission nonsense." "Look, you agreed to do this." "Yes, but that was before..." "I don't mean to a bother, but I don't know what time it is and that a bit of a problem," Joe interjected. "Of course, Joe," the Knight responded before Edward cut him off. "Oh, right. Take care of the he-she first because she's got to work on a time table. I've got all the time in the world to wait to talk to you. When was the last time you gave me that kind of attention?" Edward shouted. "Oh, there you go again..." "For the love of God, tell me what I need to do to get my penis back," Joe shrieked. "Yes, my dear," the Knight hastily responded. "Whipped," Edward said quietly as he walked away. "I heard that! Well, At least I don't go around trying to bed hikers and the Pineys," the Knight shouted. "Hey, the Pineys are good people," Edward shot back. "For love of God, help me," Joe shrieked once more. The Knight winced and said, "You have eight more hours to prove that you're worthy of becoming a man once more. The three tasks you will perform will prove that you're worthy or unworthy of it." "Why do I have to prove that I'm worthy?" "You need to prove that your country lost something because of your loss of position. Due to the loss of your manhood, you're obviously restricted from real employment and relegated to only household duties and menial jobs." "No, I checked my wallet. I still have my same job." "What? You were a man doing women's work already," the disgusted Knight declared. "No, I have a good paying job. Women work the same jobs as men now." "Really?" The Knight asked with a confused look. Joe nodded. The Knight looked down and then to the side and then up and asked, "If that's true, then what's the point of being a man?" "It doesn't matter. What are my chances of passing these tests?" Joe asked frantically as he shifted his bra strap, which had become twisted. "Well, two of the four people who have been subjected to these tests have passed them. However, I should note, the last one didn't pass." "What happened to him?" "He became your grandmother. She then guarded the book the rest of her life, and she never cast a spell from it. She was a real standup lady." "How do you know that?" Joe asked. "I know when every spell is cast from that book, and I know all about those who own it too." "Tell me what the tasks are." "The first task commands that you must suckle on the shaft." "I'm not going to do that?" "Do it!" "No! I don't even know what that means. Give me another task." "Please." "No!" "Good, you've passed the first test." "What?" Joe shouted as he threw up his hands. "That task tested your judgment as well as your will power," The Knight responded. Joe gave the Knight a confused look. The Knight gave Joe a stern look and proceeded to tell him his second task. "You must do what no true woman can. You must run from one side of the cave to the other in under an hour," the Knight declared. "That's it?" "Yes, but it's a pretty big cave. That run is probably about a half mile in distance. No mortal woman could have the internal strength to run more than ten yards." Joe nodded and ran clear across the cave and then ran back to the other side. Joe was able to complete the task in less than 20 minutes despite being slowed by his skirt. He then walked back over to the Knight. The Knight looked down on him and said, "You have passed the test. The will of the man inside you must have overtaken your fragile female form to allow you to run that far. You truly have the internal strength and drive of a man." "Well, to be fair, there are women who run much farther just for fun. Did God design these tests?" "What?" The startled Knight asked. "Did God design these tests?" Joe asked. "Well, no. He left the creation of the specific tests to counteract each specific spell to me, but the tests for this spell have worked for a 1000 years." "How can anyone fail this test?" "Well, the first one failed because she kept tripping over her dress. Well, anyway, we do have a third test to get to. This task should separate the man from the woman in you." "Tell me what I have to do." "Very well, my dear, you must convince one woman of your true manliness, but that woman must also be a stranger to you and everyone you know. When I clap my hands, you and your sister will be transported to the edge of the Pines. Then, if you have completed your task within the time limit, you shall be a man once more. If not, then you will stay a woman and only your sister will know who you once were." "Wait, how can I do that in..." "Good luck, Joe," Clap! Joe and Desiree looked around. They were at the edge of the Pines Barrens. The sun appeared in the morning sky as they looked down the road. "Oh, darn, my outfit is ruined," Joe said. "Not really the right time for that," Desiree responded as she looked down the road again. "Psst," they heard behind them. They turned and faced the Jersey Devil. It was hiding in the brush. The Jersey Devil raised its short arm and pointed down the road. Desiree spotted her car. "Thank you," Desiree said as she grabbed Joe by his arm. They hopped into her car after throwing their mud covered boots in the trunk. Joe stared at his muddied clothes as his sister drove them into the nearest town. He turned around and grabbed his heels out of the back seat. He slipped them on as Desiree parked the car in a parking lot outside of a store. They waited for the store to open at 8 o'clock. They hurried in, and Joe bought a shirt, pants, sneakers, a hat, and a belt. Joe went into the bathroom with his sister after he bought the clothes. Desiree tried to make Joe's breasts appear flatter by applying duck tape to them. Joe then placed a baggy shirt on. After he put his shirt on, Joe slipped on a pair of dungarees and put his sneakers on. He put a belt on, and he placed his muddy female clothes into a plastic bag. They stepped out of the stall, and Joe placed his hair up under a baseball cap. He washed the makeup off of his face and left the bathroom. Joe strolled up to the first woman he saw, and, in the deepest voice he could muster, said, "Hey, what's up, beautiful?" "I don't date dykes," the woman retorted. Joe blinked and moved away from her. Joe was frazzled by the statement, and Desiree led him out of the store and to her car. Joe started to hyperventilate as Desiree drove them to a more populated area. Joe looked at her and said, "There's no way I can pull this off. No one will ever believe that I'm really a man." Desiree wanted to say something comforting, but she could not find the right words. Joe looked in the mirror, "My God, I look like a lesbian. This whole thing is so transparent." "Maybe we could do it, if we find someone who's drunk," Desiree exclaimed. "Where are we going to find a drunk at 10 o'clock in the morning?" "Oh, right, umm...Maybe if you ask a lot of women, one will say she believes you." Joe nodded as the pulled into a parking lot. They parked the car in front of the mall. Joe ran into the mall with his sister close behind him. He ran up to a woman carrying a few bags and said, "What do I have to do to prove to you that I am a man?" "Grow a penis, butch," she retorted. Joe nodded and ran over to another woman and asked, "Ma'am, would you believe me, if I told you that I was a man?" "Sure," she responded. "Really," Joe exclaimed. "No," the woman responded with a grin. As the hours past, the response was always the same. Desiree started to rub her eyes due to sleep deprivation. She was deeply concerned with her brother's bizarre behavior. She was afraid that a security guard would put a stop to his questioning, because he continued to do it for hours. She walked over to him and put her hand on his shoulder and said, "You've only got an hour left. Let's go into the bar at Friday's. Maybe some woman will be drunk already. It's after lunch, maybe there's an old drunken woman in there. It's a long shot, but it's better than what you're doing." "What am I doing wrong?" He asked. "Well, you're acting like a stereotype of a lesbian woman trying to pass herself off as a man." Joe nodded and put his head down. They headed into the bar area and sat next to an old woman with a scotch in her hands. Joe sat next to her and said, "Hi, I'm, Joe." The drunken woman responded, "Hi, I'm Elizabeth Kite Goddard." Desiree leaned towards Joe and whispered into his ear, "This is the one." Joe nodded and asked, "Can I buy you a drink?" "Sure thing, you lesbo's are all right." Joe, although unhappy about her response, told Desiree to buy the woman another scotch. Joe handed her the drink that he got from the bartender and thought, 'Come on, rummy, give me the right response.' "Well, young lady, maybe you're quite a fine young man. I don't know why you'd want to be one. Maybe you're of a low genetic stock," the drunken woman said. Joe smiled and looked down, but he was still a man in a woman's body pretending to be a man. Joe gnashed his teeth together before he said, "No, you don't understand Miss. I am a man." The old woman laughed and reached her hand out. She started to feel Joe's face. Joe cringed as her fingers poked into the delicate skin on his face. Joe looked at her as she pulled her hand away, and she said, "Such a beautiful, smooth face could never belong to a man." "How can you be so sure? Can't you just admit that you think I'm a man," Joe said trying to plant the idea in the woman's mind that she thought that Joe was really a man instead of a woman. "You can't fool me. I've been with men, and I've been with women, and there is no man as pretty as you." A couple of other customers heard the woman's statement. Some laughed and some cringed. Joe ordered a couple of shots for himself and the old lady. The old woman agreed to go one for one with him. Joe slammed down three tequilas. He hoped to drink the woman down into a stupor and make her think that he was really a man. However, Joe was not able to keep up with Elizabeth. She smiled as Joe's head descended towards the bar. Joe felt his sister trying to move him. He was hunched over, and he looked at the clock. He only had a minute left. As the final seconds began to countdown, he felt the old woman's arm around his shoulder. "There, there, dear. You're not the first to lose to me, and you do make a good man," Elizabeth said. Joe's hopes were infinitely raised by her statement. Then she added, "...for a woman." Joe's hopes were dashed to pieces. He started to weep, but he stopped crying when a sudden blast blared through his mind. Joe looked up as his sister. She helped him stand up. He looked to her and said, "Ow, I just had this dream. I don't think we should get rid of Grandma's book. I think that I'm supposed to protect it." "Of course, Joe," a somber Desiree said as she led Joe towards the door. "I've told you before! Don't call me that! It sounds too manly, and why am I dressed like a lesbian." "It's all right, Josephine, you had a long day. You had a few two many drinks. Now, let's get you home, and we'll finish cleaning up grandma's house tonight," Desiree said. She felt guilty about the whole thing, but the fact that Joe no longer remembered being a man eased her guilt. She rationalized the situation in the way that was most acceptable to her. 'Better that he doesn't know and I do. Ignorance is bliss', she thought as she led him to her car. Joe slumped in the passenger seat of the car as Desiree buckled him up. He passed out as she pulled her car out of the parking spot. While Desiree steered her car through the afternoon traffic, Joe dreamt of a knight who told him to try to make sure that no one ever touched his grandmother's book again.