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Foreword: Dear Readers, I wrote this story nearly 20 years ago. Now, thanks to my new French friend Avaro Le Banni, who searched his archive and forwarded a copy to me, I am pleased to post The Price of Beauty, which is, in its own way, a love story. - Best wishes, Toxis. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE PRICE OF BEAUTY by: TOXIS Miranda sat in the sun. The breeze of the Pacific was warm and healing. She could feel the ragged tear in her coming together. Maybe it would all turn out for the best. Maybe there was a chance for reunion. The issue was trust. So much, she had given. Of what she knew and what she was. Not like the others. Freely, honestly, she had shared the things about herself that had made her unique. Was it always destined that trust would be betrayed? And hope dismayed? And faith left alone and lost? Miranda had felt very low and knew she might fell lower still before this was all done. But she had her pride, her "self," her need to be respected. The heat on her face felt good after so long in the cold of New York. The Hotel Del Promenade was a favorite place, a place to hide and restore her serenity. To find balance and meaning. A place to assess what she had done and what she might do. There would be the meeting and lunch - maybe a light salad or the catch of the day - but there 'was time for that yet. Time now to release the conflict that was eating at her and center herself. Time now to deal with Gerald. Across the terrace, a tall, elegant blonde in her mid-twenties waved. Miranda returned the greeting with a small wave of the hand and an easy smile. "Miranda, darling! I'm so glad to see you." For such a tall woman, she moved gracefully, her slimness making her strength more feminine. Miranda thought her husky voice more sensuous than any false come-on. "It's good to see you too, Geraldine. How do you feel?" "Completely recovered. Nary a scar. You'd never think anything had ever happened. I couldn't be more pleased." Small talk and pleasantries, talk about plans, vacations and new projects. Geraldine cleared her skirt as if to rise. A small envelope was in her hand. "Thank you, Miranda. Just thank you for everything. This puts us "all paid". With an assured smile, Geraldine made her way to the powder room. Miranda opened the buff envelope. She took out the check and looked it over. How sad. Geraldine had so much in front of her. Miranda had invested so much effort. But there were some things that could not be ignored. Miranda slipped the check in her purse and ordered more wine. After the steward poured but before Geraldine returned, Miranda emptied a small vial into her companion's glass. Geraldine was grace itself as she returned across the tea room. The cut of her suit accented the symmetry of her frame without flaunting out of taste her feminine charms. Her jewelry, her accessories, everything about her was well thought out to create an image of restraint and balance. "It was so good to see you again, Miranda." Geraldine took a sip of wine. "I hope we can do this when you come to Geneva. But I do have to run." Geraldine took another, much longer sip of the white wine and made to stand. "So let me just say 'Goodbye'." "Sit down, Geraldine. Or perhaps, now I should say 'Gerald'?" Geraldine's face contorted as she tried to rise but somehow ended seated much as she had been. "Now place you hands in your lap, folded and limp." Geraldine/Gerald made the necessary adjustments. "Now, please cross your ankles and sit up nice and straight. And it would be so pleasant to see a smile on your face, Gerald." Visibly, Gerald was resisting each request as Miranda made it, but shortly was composed ladylike and demure, listening carefully to what her friend, Miranda, had to say. "Why did you do it? Was what I gave you so common? You came to me and asked me to give you Beauty. Not femininity, not sexual allure or, glamour or fame. Beauty! " "And you were that one in, oh say, ten thousand who has the potential to achieve it." Miranda took a moment to watch her companion struggling in her/his seat. "True, I have taken many males from simpering masculinity to whimpering femininity, nominally against their will. But each of them was secretly thanking me behind their gags when I sold them off to their new owners. "They were incapable of any real understanding what I could also have given them. It wasn't in them but it was in you." "Was my gift of Beauty not enough for you? Did it fail to hold your interest?" Miranda looked out at the ocean for several minutes. Her face was very red, angry. Her eyes were wet. Gerald seemed to want to struggle but waited quietly. Do I really want to go through with this? Am I doing this because he hurt me or because he hurt himself? Why do I have to do this? Miranda stared into the glare from the sunlit ocean until it hurt. "Tell me, Gerald, what is the opposite of Beauty?" "Uh, .. Ugliness?" The fear in Gerald's voice was clear. "Sorry." Miranda shook her head slowly, a teacher disappointed with a lazy student. "The opposite of beauty is vanity. Crass Vanity. "Beauty stands alone. It defines itself and prospers only when a woman believes in herself. Vanity is a rumor. It blows with every wind. It wears every other person's face and finds its only pleasure in the short smiles and groping hands of strangers." "I gave you Beauty and I thought you would want to pay the price." Miranda took the check from her purse. "Your first check failed to clear the bank. I assumed you would have been made aware and rectified the oversight today. This check is drawn on the same account. I made sure before I acted. You opened this account with very few funds and you know that this check is worthless." "Since you decided to spurn the beauty I gave you, I am going to take it back. But the price of vanity is paid in full. And unlike you, Gerald, I am honest. You'll get what you paid for." Gerald was struggling in her chair. Her skirt was beginning to rise. A dull squeak from her hands gripping the armrests sounded. "Be still, Gerald." She immediately quieted. "I want you to think of all the lessons, all the practice, all the time we spent teaching you how to act like a lady. Hold those thoughts in your mind. Do you have them?" "Yes, Miranda." "Good. There was a drug in your wine. It allows me to edit your memory, to add and delete, amend and splice. All those thoughts in your mind, please forget them now." Perhaps it was only an impression, but Geraldine seemed to slouch in her chair. Her hands somehow seemed to have become awkward. "I want you to listen, Geri. You are Geri Dahl. You always have been. You know that your name is Geri Dahl." Gerald's face twisted in confusion. Fight it. I'm not .. can't be .. I'm Geraldi ... My name, name is Ge~al ... Geri, Geri Dahl. Sure, I know that. Geri Dahl, that's me. "And you are very concerned by what people think of you. The most important thing to you is that people think you are sexy, trendy, attractive." "You must wear the latest fashion. You must have the most fun. You need to be the center of attention. "But you know that inside you are worthless!" "You need to be told how to have your hair done. You need to be told what clothes to buy. You need to be told that people like you. If nobody tells you what to do, you will become very anxious and start to look for someone who will tell you what to do." "You have no mental image of yourself. You exist only as others see you. So it is very important to please everyone." Gerald sat now visibly slumped in his chair. His head slowly nodded, as if agreeing, as Miranda spoke. "I dislike everything about your attire, your hair, your make up. And I want you to do something about it. I want you to please me. Go somewhere. Make an appointment. But I want you back here by Four to please me." Geri could feel the anxiety claw at her throat. Her fingers worked and twisted nervously in her lap. "Yes, Miranda. I will. I'm so sorry I'm such a disappointment. I want you to like me so much ..... " Geri smiled. Please like me. I need you to like me, Miranda. I can't stand it when you reject me. I'll change, do something, but please ... " ... But how will I pay for this? I didn't bring any money with me." It was all Geri could think to say. "Do you have any checks?", Miranda asked. "Yes, but I emptied the account." "Where's your money?" "Upstairs in my room". "Give me your keys and write them checks. We'll get some money in the account to cover later." ********* Geri hurried down the street. Her chest ached. Her throat was closing. I'm so tense. What was am I going to do? Up ahead was the salon/boutique. The woman in the Ladies Room had recommended the place. Was this the right place? Could they take her right away? Could they make her look just perfect? "Hi, my name is Darla. Have you ever come here before?" Geri was seated in the back of the salon. Darla had an opening. "No, this is my first time." "Your hair is really well taken care of. Do you just want me to even out the new growth or something else?" "I, uh...I want to do., .. It's just that ... well, I just can't make up my mind but I want something new. What do you think would look nice?" Darla looked at Geri, wondering at her request. She was so obviously well cared for. But so insecure! Why was she asking a stranger how she should look? Let's see. Fifty-Five for the cut, Seventy-Five for coloring, One Twenty- Five for a spaghetti perm. A fast Two Fifty-Five. Maybe some waxing and nails and lashes. Geri's ears were only pierced once. Maybe a couple of piercings. Easy, Darla could run this session over Five Hundred. Geri looked up at her stylist. Her trust and doubt were allover her face. Darla knew she could sell her customer anything. A fast Five Hundred with Two Seventy Five in her pocket. Darla explained all the things Geri desperately needed to look beautiful. And of course, her clothes were hopelessly out of style, but Darla could help. An easy buck and a half. What a dweeb ! ********* Darla finished sectioning Geri's now flame red hair. A huge bowl of tiny curlers sat on a rolling table by her chair. Darla was beginning to cut and trim. "First, I want to get rid of this awkward length. I'm going to clip it really short all around the sides and back' but leave it very long on top." Geri watched as swatch after swatch of her red hair fell to the floor. Soon, she was shorn like an army recruit everywhere except the top of her head. Her pale scalp showed through clearly. I hope I'm not making a mistake. But Darla seems so satisfied. I think I can pay for this but I wish Darla would stop cutting. She's making me look bald. Darla took the first tiny perm rod and began winding it down to Geri's scalp. A second was wound down and fastened to the first. "This is called "piggy-backing". I can get a really tight and dense curl this way. And you'll love the look!" Soon, the crown of Geri's head was covered in tiny pink perm rods. The perm solution burned her scalp. She had never been permed before. It smells so bad. I didn't know it smells so absolutely awful! Darla worked on the wet curls with a perm pic, lifting and layering under the heat lamps. Pulling Geri's curls out like an Afro style .. Geri watched as Darla began to carefully shape the stiff pile of tiny curls. Wide and symmetrical and flat. My God, she was making her hair into a beret! A jeweled pin over her left ear and Geri was done. "You've heard of "Hat Hair"? Well, you have the first real Hat Hair! I've always wanted to do something like this and you're the first. Geri tried to wiggle into the skirt. The salesgirl kept insisting that a black latex skirt was not too extreme. Latex was the next fashion statement fabric. Geri would be ahead of the trend. Her blouse was of sheer crepe de chine over the gleaming black micro. There was a red satin jacket with a stand-up black collar. Geri had been unsure about the black patent ankle boots nor too confident in her seamed stockings but they had assured her that it pulled the outfit together! She needed to listen to people who knew fashion. Have a little confidence! God, it was nearly Four. I have to get back! Geri wrote another check and grabbed the oversized red patent clutch. Her heels clicking, she minced out in her tight skirt. ********* "Hello, Miranda." "Geri, don't you look different!" Geri spun around. Her skirt molded her rump. It's so hot. My panties must be soaked. I really have to smile. Miranda doesn't want to see me gloomy. It's my job to please her. Geri's panic was more than she could suppress. I'll turn again. Oh God!! She can see right through me. She'll know that I didn't pick any of these things out. She'll know that I'm a fraud. Not a real girl, not even able to dress myself and be attractive. What if she asks me who picked out my clothes? What if she asks me .. asks me, asks me ... "Very nice, Geri. I particularly like your hair." "It's something very new, Miranda. It's called Hat Hair." Why did Geri feel so proud? Just because Miranda had said she liked something? It was all getting so confusing. Geri took the seat that Miranda offered. I have to get away. Have to recover my wits. I'll go back to accounting. I was always good at accounting. Hell, I made a fot;tune as an accountant. I can do that again. specially now that I look so sharp. "Geri, I have a little chore. for ou to do. do you think you could help me a bit?" "I'd love to, Miranda. Anything you want." "When you say anything, do you? mean it? After all, that's a rather extreme statement and you don't even know what I will ask you to do." "Miranda, I want to do whatever will make you happy." "Very well. There's going to be a contest this afternoon by the pool. I want you to enter it and win. It's a wet T-shirt and string bikini contest. Do you think you can that?" A wet T-shirt contest ! The judges would be neanderthals, drooling over her new curves. They would have rape on their minds. The only way to win would be to incite them as much as she could. "I don't know ... it would be so, .. so embarrassing .. to, you know, prance like some calendar girl, in, you know, just a string bikini ... " "Geri,that drug is still working in you. Do you feel modest right now?" "Yes, Miranda." "And do you feel embarrassed that lots of men will stare at you and want to fuck you?" "Oh yes, Miranda, I do." "please forget all those thoughts and feelings. You enjoy being stared at. You love to be stared at. By men and women. In sexy clothes. In outrageous clothes. In no clothes. You want to be the center of attention." "You want to dance on the stage in front of a crowd of drunken men. Peeling off you clothes, knowing that if they could reach you, they would rape you forever." The way you walk, the way you speak, everything advertises that you want to be watched." Geri twitched her ass as she walked into the pool house; Under the black latex, it was a fabulous sight. A couple of lounging lifeguards had to shift to hide their instant erections. "Hi, my name' is Geri and I want to enter." "Sign the model's release and go next door to get you suit." Rights to all pictures. Agreement to pose. Full publication release. No objection to modeling erotic wear and specific agreement to pose for and permit publication of erotic photos. Geri signed it. Why were they making all this fuss? She just wanted to have some fun on stage!" Signed! Geri gave the man collecting the releases her biggest smile. The female next to him frowned. "Where do I get my suit, Honey?" "Next door. It's right ... " "I'll show you where." The tanned female attendant who had disliked her smiling at the man in charge stepped over." "I'll take you over and get you set up. We're starting soon and don't have a lot of time." Geri wasn't too sure about this suit. The bottom was in green latex. A tiny G-string that barely covered her vagina. They.had shaved her. The green was day-glo hot. It looked obscene .. Her breasts were wrapped in a tiny halter that pulled and molded her breasts outrageously high on her chest. There was a little cropped T- shirt and very. high heels. And a dog collar! None of the other girls were wearing a dog collar! "Tina, don't you think the collar is too ... " "Shut UP bitch! I like the collar and now you like the collar. It makes you look funky and fuckable." The mind drug was taking over. Geri found her self listening to every word. "Do you like feeling fuckable?" "I don't know. All those men..." "You love feeling fuckable. And with your collar on, you can't hide how fuckable you feel, can you, Bitch?" "No, Tina. I feel very fuckable. I won't be able to hide that." ********* "And next, we have GeriDahl!" A roar went up from the crowd. The chrome studs on her collar gleamed in the spotlight. Her oiled flesh, her gorgeous body, the tiny suit and her bizarre hair had set the crowd on fire. "Walk for us, Geri." Geri took a few little steps. The catcalls made her spine shiver. Her ass began to swivel. On .its own, it seemed to take life. Her breasts began to thrust out as 'her back arched itself. Her hands began to rub her body, feeling the slick flesh 6f her stomach and thighs. Look at them! They're all staring at me. I'm getting wet. Really wet! And they know it. Everyone of them knows how wet I'm getting and soon they'll even smell it. Geri stared to strut down the walkway. Her perfect ass globes jiggled with every mincing step. They're devouring me with their eyes. They all want to fuck me. And I want to fuck them. All of them. What's happening to me? I'm not gay. I want them inside me. Everyone who is cheering at me, and jeering and looking at me. Geri made her way back to the stage. All the other girls were posed. Geri took her place. Slowly, she began to rub her pussy with one long nail. The crowd went quiet a moment; And next, exploded in a din of rebel yells and animal roars of lust. Winner and new champion. Photos and poses. could she hang around for something special? I hate this corset. Why did I agree to this? Geri had been laced down to nineteen inches. I can barely breathe. Her legs were clad in seamed hose. Her arms were bound in a black satin single glove. "Geri, this shot is about how much you love your boyfriend. You dressed yourself this way for him and now he's home. You want to satisfy him in every way. So let Rory lead the action and do what he wants. Let me worry about the camera angles." Geri gagged on the enormous cock in her mouth. They seemed really concerned with getting clear shots of her face with his big prick buried in her. In her cunt, in her ass, in' her mouth. They had been at it for hours. When the crew took a break, one of the guys would put her on a table and fuck her until the next shoot. Geri couldn't seem to say no to anyone. She could feel the next load start to rise in the cock she was sucking. she braced herself and in a moment she was gulping as fast as she could. "Nice job and that's a wrap. Somebody pay Geri her $500 and get her out of here." Geri looked for her clothes. Someone had stolen them. In her tiny swimsuit, she made her way back to the terrace. Everyone stared at her in the lobby. Geri didn't mind. In fact, she walked extra slow and slinky. It was a lot of fun. ********* Miranda inspected the little trophy and the well-used air that Geri exuded. "You seem to have done quit well for yourself, Geri." "I tried very hard." "I'm sure you did. Very hard indeed." Miranda put the statue down on the table. She eyed the two checks in her lap. "You are an accountant, ~orrect, Geri?" "Yes, Miranda." "And you made a lot of money,so you must be a good accountant." "I tried to be." "You see, that's what makes this all so hard to accept." Miranda laid the checks on the table between them. "How could you make payment in so deceitful a manner and not know just what you were doing?" "I'm sorr ... " "Sorry just won't do, Geri. Please think of everything you know about accounting, ... and business, ... and deals .. money, and success. And forget them." Geri started in her seat, as though she had been visibly struck. "And from now on, think only of bills and debts and people calling you on the phone for their money. You can't hold a real job. You're too stupid. You never get anything right. You always have bad luck." "Now one last rite of passage for you, Geri, and you can go your way." ********* Geri ordered another drink. She had made a hundred and fifty. Couple of tricks and she could knock off. How about that guy? He looked a little shy. Needs some attention to get the nerve up. But he's looking at me like he could burn holes in my dress. Geri sauntered over to the John's booth. Her black knit dress rode up to the tops of her thighs. Geri was good at making it do that. "Looking for somebody to talk to, fella'? " "Sure, have a seat." This one was really shy... I'll have to really show off the goods. Geri arched her breasts into his shoulder, rubbing the twin mounds back and forth. "I thought you liked what you were staring at. . thought you might like to get after it. Go somewhere and party. Show me what you got, you know?" Her voice was low and breathy, a whisper of invitation. "What did you have ... have, uh, in mind?" What a wimp? What did she have in mind! Smile. Be nice. Turn the trick and move on. This isn't brain surgery. "We could party back at my place. I've got lots of toy and games we could play." "Uh, how much is your party?" "Five hundred for the night or a hundred ,and 'hour." "And for that I can have sex with you?" "For that, you can have me anyway' you like." Geri found herself seized and pushed against the wall. Hands cuffed. Rights read. There was the mug shot taken and the prints taken and her possessions in a little plastic bag taken. She was taken to a crowded court and seated with rows of hookers, all busted for soliciting. "People vs. Geri Dahl, next case, Your Honor." "Listen, take the plea. It's a first offense and a twenty dollar fine. You're on the street in fifteen minutes." The public defender was whispering in her ear. Got to get out ! Have to meet Miranda at midnight. Sure, the deal sounds good. Never would have thought the guy was a cop, dammit, do I have the bad luck ! She gave the lawyer a nod. "Your Honor, this case will be a guilty plea." ********* Geri struggled to stay decent in her black dress. Her hot pink panties kept flashing below the hem. Miranda was reading something and had left her to sit for rtearly half an hour. "Geri, have you ever wondered ..." Miranda's sudden speaking startled Geri, made her jump in her chair. "... why it is that some women become victims to men for their entire lives?" This is a really hard question. I hope she doesn't expect me to know the answer. Geri tried to smile and shook her head. "It's because they never learn who they are. Or perhaps more importantly, who they are not. And how about you, Geri, just who are you now?" "You are an overdressed, undereducated, convicted whore, with no money, no"job, no future, no friends. All you have are the clothes on your back and your body." I have to say something. That's not true. I know who I am. Geri. Gerald became Geri and I remember him. And I can remember my life as Gerald. My wife and my kids. I have to tell Miranda that she is wrong. "There's something else ..." "Please don't interrupt, Geri. What were you going to say? That you can remember your "Gerald" life. That you have memories. I'm sure you do." "Please forget them. all your memories of life as Gerald. Of life as Geraldine. There is only life as Geri." Miranda handed Geri the papers she had been reading. They were the story of Geri's life. Read it. Learn it. Believe it. That's all there ever had been. ********* "So tell me, where are you from?" "Seattle. I grew up there and then we moved to L.A." Geri held her cigarette out for the guy from the convention to give her a light. Inhaling deeply, she enjoyed the taste of the smoke. They say this stuff kills you but with her luck she'd live forever. "DO you come here often?" "Yeah. I do. this is a pretty good bar to come. Lots of conventions. Sharp guys like you who know how to meet somebody." Geri took another hit from her cigarette. Oh shit, not again! "Hey, you're not a cop or something? Hotel security?" She couldn't afford another bust. "Hey, I'm just a horny guy with some friend who wants to set up a party." The John had his hands up in innocent protest. "Look, sorry about that. It's just that a girl can't be too careful about who she trusts." Geri loved the way the guy was looking at her. She was busting out of her dress. Her tits could pop out if she breathed the right way. And five more guys were crossing the bar. Good, she could really sock it to these guys. Lord knows, she needed the bread. Six guys, two hundred each. A good pay day, or night, or who gives a fuck! Look at all of them stare at me. I can't tell who wants me more. Do they think I'm hot enough? Ask me I'll show you. This could be fun. And if I can make enough, I'm going shopping. If I had sharper clothes, I'd get more action. I wonder what I should wear. I'll decide ... , no, I'll go back to ..., should I ask or decide on my ... "Hey, where did you go? You looked like you were lost in space?" "Hey, sorry. Who are your friends?" "Geri, meet Al, Tom, Billy, Sal, Teddy and Stu. Guys, meet Geri. She's our party tonight." Six hundred good faith money in her purse, Geri walked out of the terrace bar with her evening's customers. She paid no attention to the well dressed woman in the corner. ********* Hector was the first to notice and reported what he had seen in the Terrace Bar to the Steward. With a few short instructions Hector was dismissed to the West Terrace. Coming from behind, the Steward could see the subtle tremors in the beautiful woman's shoulders . Wordlessly, he offered to pull back her chair. Wondering, she rose, dabbing at her eyes. She must feel she looked a sight. No notice created, he escorted his guest from the Bar and through the Terrace Restaurant, closed now but with a table at the water made ready just for her. A bottle of the '78 Zinfandel chilled and wrapped, was bucketed to the side. He held her chair and made her at ease as she sat. Their eyes met one time and he moved on. Crossing the empty main room, he stopped to adjust a setting and inspect the glassware, and to suggest a waiter spend a few minutes with the mirror attending to his uniform. By the window, in the moonlight, he watched a vulgarly flashy red head squeeze herself into the back of a cab along with several men. Whores were a matter for disgust. Why do men seek them out? Where was the opportunity for love or even humor in a sex act bought and paid for? It made him think of his wife and going home. Why bother with it? Hotels drew such women - always had, always would. Why did I do it? Why did I take it all way? Didn't he see the difference? I told him about the others. Each one and why. And how I was making him into something special. Danny the little thief or Terry, now Bruno's wife. They had allowed themselves to be seduced. They could have stopped. Hung up the phone. Refused to join in the scam. Say that they didn't want to be female. Gerald had seduced her. Made her love him. She had made Gerald into her soul mate and Gerald had destroyed that. Is that why she had destroyed him? She watched the tail lights of the taxi pull away in the distance. Geri was inside. One more west Coast hooker trying to get through the day. Trapped inside her own self destructive illusions of vanity. If Geri had been so foolish and Miranda so smart, why did Miranda feel so trapped? The Steward thought of the crying beauty alone on the terrace. He recognized her pure tears of pain. He had cried his pure tears too. So truly beautiful. She had been seated somewhere in the Terrace all day. Lunch. Dinner. Drinks. And now wine. But he had barely noticed her. There had been her friend at lunch and a series of rather vulgar women later. Who was to say'? He tore up her check and tossed it into the ocean. He gave her one last moment in his heart before returning to his tasks. I wonder who died. Miranda sat looking, at the moonlight, at the ocean, and waiting for someone to come. Someone named Geraldine who she thought had loved her.