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Dutch courage 1 By Kim Anderson Copywright 2010 World War 2 in Holland. Carrie van der Veldt has moved from Amsterdam back to her dead parents' home in Utrecht, taking her 15 year-old son Mies with her. To prevent him being conscripted as slave-labour she has disguised him as her 16 year-old daughter Mia. "If I practise hard all weekend, can I have that gorgeous red frock in Dreesmans' window, you know, the one we saw yesterday?" Carrie had to smile. It was hardly a normal request for a schoolboy, but then nothing had been normal since the start of the war. Her plan to save Mies by turning him into Mia had succeeded rather more easily than she had dared hope. To start with Mies had been reluctant to don the skirts and blouses which were now to be his everyday wear, and Carrie's insistence on the authentic underwear to match had provoked particular protest. "Mum, why do I have to wear these silly knickers, after all nobody can see what I've got on underneath." "It's the thought that counts, darling. No half measures: all girl from top to toe." After this initial show of reluctance Mies had taken to his feminine role remarkably easily. The first couple of months had been hard though as Carrie drilled him mercilessly with deportment exercises, elocution training and even sewing and cookery lessons to complete the picture of a well-brought up girl. A judicious balance of carrot (,"when you can do that stitching neatly I'll buy you the Chopin studies you want,") and stick (,"Darling, if you will insist on walking like a farmer then I'll have to tie your ankles and knees again,") had produced the results which Carrie had required. His hair grew to a minimum length to be convincing and Carrie styled it deftly to a perfect schoolgirl bob. He was kept inside all this time and the only amusement he had was to play the piano, which he did with great musicality and steadily improving technique. Carrie had noticed how the change of identity had brought about a development in Mies' playing. The tendency to pound harshly had melted into a much more expressive touch which conveyed a surprising depth of feeling for a 15 year-old. The change in their lives brought mother and son much closer together and Carrie found it natural to confide in this graceful and intelligent daughter; it was harder and harder to remember that he was in fact her son. "Another new dress already? We'll have to see, won't we?" Carrrie replied teasingly. "If you play the Schubert really well after supper, something might be arranged. You know that bore Haitink is coming for a glass of wine and he's threatening to bring some ghastly German with him. You can perform for them." Haitink was an important link in the network of contacts which Carrie had established since moving to Utrecht. He was a well established lawyer and had quickly understood Carrie's need for discretion when it came to the sizeable private income which she enjoyed. In her turn Carrie had understood his longing for glamour and even romance in these drab times of occupation. He was permitted to invite her to smart restaurants and the theatre and to walk her home afterwards, but no more. He was known to have a pragmatic approach to the German occupiers: maybe this German was someone who could provide a favour. Goodness knows, enough favours were needed to make life tolerable under the Nazi yoke. So now it was Sunday evening and Mies sat in his room preparing. He had practised all Saturday and most of Sunday as well and felt confident of playing well enough to earn the promised shopping trip. He had thought to play in the simple pleated blouse and straight wool skirt which he'd worn all day, but something Carrie said at supper had changed his mind. "I bumped into Haitink at church and it transpires that the German in questinanton isn't a fat old colonel, but a dashing young captain. He'll probably drink a whole case of our best Bordeau without blinking." The idea of meeting a young captain was unsettling and a little exciting at the same time. He slipped out of his skirt and slowly unbuttoned his blouse. Yes, he would wear his favourite dress with proper silk stockings. That would put him in the mood. For Schubert, or for making an impression on a German officer, he asked himself as he rolled the stockings up his legs and attached them to the suspenders. Next the cream silk slip which always felt so nice as it caressed his bare skin. He sat down at his dressing table and reached for the powder puff. A little mascara to open his eyes and deep pink lipstick (,"don't use scarlet, darling, unless you want to look like a prostitute,"). Then the dress, dark green silk which perfectly set off the golden blonde of his hair and a pair of evening sandals completed his ensemble. He walked to the mirror and watched as the pretty girl he saw gave a shy smile and said, holding out a graceful hand, ,"Hello, I'm Mia van der Veldt. How nice to meet you." "Karl von Donnersmark," the dark-haired German had replied, "I'm honoured to make your aquaintance, Miss Van der Veldt." Mia's heart had skipped a beat when he had looked into those dark eyes. They seemed to focus on him with an extraordinary intensity which was only softened by the playful smile which accompanied it. Carrie had served wine and was in a deep discussion with Haitink, leaving Mia no altenative but to make polite conversation with the captain. It was easier than he thought for as soon as the German saw the Bechstein he asked if Mia played. When he heard that Mia was going to play the Wanderer fantasy he smilingly said that Schubert was his favourite composer and that he was looking forward to the performance. What the captain said next Mia was unsure of because he was so concentrated on taking in Von Donnersmark's tall figure, the broad shoulders, slim waist and long legs, all encased in the black uniform of the SS. The combination of power, or was it cruelty? and charm was captivating and Mia felt a wave of warmth flash over his body. Mia was jolted out of his reverie by a clapping of hands ,"Come on young Mia, let's hear if your Schubert matches up to your figure," boomed Haitink from the other side of the music room. Mia still wasn't used to the compliments he excited from appreciative males, even if this one was the wrong side of fifty, as Carrie would say. Blushing, he took his place at the grand piano and prepared to play. Just as he was about to start a quiet voice said ,"May I turn the pages for you? It's a bit of a beast isn't it?" and without waiting for an answer Donnersmark pulled up a chair on his left. In the few moments before he started playing Mia was suddenly aware of this powerful male presence beside him and that he wanted to make this man love him. It was as simple as that. And so his playing became a way of wooing this almost unknown German officer. And he could sense the young man supporting him, as if he were whispering the whole time ,"Yes, that's it, you clever girl. Oh, well done my darling, my sweet...," Or was that just the wild imaginings of a silly schoolgirl? "Quite as good as your figure, perhaps even better, if I may say so without being ungallant," roared Haitink from the depths of the sofa which he had shared with Carrie. "You must come and play at one of my soir?es. Donnersmark will be singing there next week. More Schubert wasn't it?" "Yes, the Heine settings from Schwanengesang." Turning to Carrie he asked, "Are you free next Wednesday?" Carrie smiled indulgently, "You know what a quiet life we lead. We'd be delighted to come wouldn't we, darling?" Mia felt himself blushing as he said ,"Yes, how lovely,". How lovely to hear this great, gorgeous hunk sing, even if he was a German, and a member of the dreaded SS at that. Strange how suddenly this feeling had come over him - that he wanted to be held by this dark, handsome man, to feel his lips on his mouth and to feel the strong, muscular body pressed against him. Up till now he'd been flattered by the interest that men had shown in him, but it had been more of a joke, a sense of elation that he was defrauding them of the advantage of their lust. A bit like winning at cards or chess against a much stronger opponent. The two men took their leave soon afterwards. Haitink had held Mia's hand in his pulpy fist and said with a twinkle in his eye, "Congratulations: a triumph on all fronts," to which Mia could only mumble his embarassed thanks. Had the old bon viveur noticed? Was it that obvious? And now here was Donnersmark, hovering. "Yes, if you always play that well everybody will love you." "I'm not sure that I want to be a pinup at the piano," parried Mia, ,"I'd just be happy with Schubert's heart." "And that's the best heart of all," laughed Donnersmark ," I can see that you've got high standards and I shall do my best to live up to them on Wednesday, though I'm afraid Major Kartuschka doesn't play quite as well as you do." "Well, maybe we could try out some songs some other time," Mia heard himself say ,"Brahms perhaps, or Wolf." "Yes, the famous Dutch song book," laughed Donnersmark "That's unfair. You mustn't make fun of our lack of culture." "Breughel, Bosch, Rembrandt, Vermeer, Ter Borch, Rubens, Ruysdael, not to mention Van Gogh - hardly a lack of culture." "Yes, but music! Isn't it embarrassing at the Concertgebouw: all those great names up on the wall - Brahms, Mendelssohn, Mozart, Beethoven, and then R?ntgen!" "Every country has to be allowed its local heroes. Lots of Germans consider Spitzweg to be a great painter, whereas he's really just an inspired craftsman. A R?ntgen on canvas if you like." Mia noticed that they were talking eagerly as if trying to prolong this postlude at the front door, and Donnersmark seemed in no hurry to go. "Are you going to discuss art all night, or are you going to escort me home as you promised?" came Haitink's mocking voice from the hall. "I'm coming right now," called Donnersmark and turning back to Mia, took his hand and looking steadily into his eyes said softly ,"Miss van der Veldt, thank you for a delightful evening. I will do my best to return the compliment on Wednesday. I hope your dreams will be as sweet as mine." Mia's heart missed a beat, he blushed and managed a husky ,"good night," before Donnersmark had disappeared into the night. "Well, my darling, congratulations on your first conquest!" "Oh, Mummy, don't be silly. He's just a lonely German." "He couldn't take his eyes off you, and that's more than loneliness. You can take my word for it as a woman of the world." "Well it's quite flattering in a way." "Yes, I noticed that you weren't exactly discouraging him." "I was just trying to play my part. You know, blushing schoolgirl." "Let's hope you can stick to that role. Because Romantic Comedy will turn to Greek Tragedy if he finds out that you're a boy." "Don't worry Mummy, I'll be chaste, even if I am chased," giggled Mia. "Very witty my girl. But now it's time for bed if you're going to be up in time to go shopping with me." "Oh, thank you Mummy, you are a darling,". Giving Carrie a kiss on both cheeks Mia turned and made his way upstairs, thinking about the dress in Dreesmans, and how he could persuade Carrie to buy him some earrings as well. He undressed slowly, pulling the green silk dress carefully over his head. Suddenly he found himself wondering what it would feel like to have somebody else undressing him. In fact, not just somebody, but that gorgeous German officer, Donnersmark. Would he be careful and tender, or would he be rough and masterful, dominating him totally? But he was hardly likely to find out, was he? That really would be a sure way to plunge the family into catastrophe, he thought, as he slowly rolled the stocking over his knee, reluctant to be released from its silken clasp. Now he moved briskly, taking off the rest of his underclothes as if wanting to shed his day-dreams with them as fast as possible. But when he had brushed his teeth and was lying in the darkened bedroom Donnersmarks's face appeared so clearly that Mia couldn't help sighing and turning his face to the pillow as if to kiss his lover and whisper Karl.... On Monday Mia felt strangely listless and sat most of the day at the piano. He found the old brown volume of Schubert songs at the back of the music cupboard and leafed through the familiar melodies until he came to Schwanengesang. They had always been his favourites and he could play most of them by memory. As a way of distracting himself he played them through over and over again until he could play all of them without the music. As he played through a last time his thoughts were free to wander and they were drawn inevitably to Wednesday night and Donnersmark. Would he sing well, or would it just be embarassing? Just because he was intelligent and goodlooking it didn't mean that he had a good voice or knew how to use it. Well, time would tell and in any case he had to practise some more on the the Wanderer. He had sensed Donnersmarks admiration and it felt strangely important to keep that. Mia had shown a vague interest in girls before the move to Utrecht, mostly for the benefit of his classmates. Would they consider him a ,"hot cookie," or a ,"cold pudding,", or just a perverted little pansy who liked pretending to be a girl? No, if they saw him now they wouldn't recognize him - he would just be another unattainable object of desire to be lusted after in public and fantasized over in private. What would they say about him, if they were to meet him now, as Mia? But now, less than six months later, here he was, drooling over a tall, dark stranger like a schoolgirl in a cheap novel. Was he turning into a girl? The thought was a strangely seductive if a little shocking. Mia loved the outings he made with Carrie, he felt closer to her than he had ever done before. "What do think about this slip, darling? All that black lace is a bit wicked isn't it?" "But nobody would know except us, would they Mummy?" "Ah, the secrets that mothers and daughters share. Alright I'll take it , but let's find something for you. What about that camisole with the matching knickers?" "They're gorgeous, aren't they, just feel that silk. So sensuous and soft. I wonder if they've got them in cream rather than eau de nil-" "Well don't take all day to decide, as we've still got to get to Dreesmans, remember!" "How could I forget Mummy, I've been dreaming about that dress for a week." "A week? But you only met Donnersmark on Sunday night." "Oh, I've only been dreaming about him for two days! But I wanted that dress before I knew who I was going to wear it for,". Odd how easy it was to admit this to his mother, how reassuring to sense that she would know exactly how it felt. Because it couldn't be more than that, could it? Why on earth would a grown-up officer be interested in a sixteen-year-old schoolgirl? And if against all the odds, he pursued Mia, there wasn't any future in it anyway, was there? Germans were notoriously matter-of-fact about sex and it wouldn't take him long to discover Mia's secret. One or two dates at most before a humilating revelation, and then what: transportation, labour camp, or even death? As they crossed the market place Carrie was also examining her mixed feelings. On the one hand she was very proud of her handiwork as a drama teacher, because she had transformed a gauche schoolboy into an entrancing girl. On the other hand it was a still a risky strategy even if it had saved Mies from deportation to Germany, and even so: was it too high a price to pay to turn her son a kind of hermaphrodite, a female double agent? And then again, he seemed to be embracing his new life and was happier as Mia than Carrie had ever seen him: could that be wrong? It seemed so natural to encourage Mia in this little encounter with Donnersmark, and the German did seem nice enough. A hooting car sweeping past distracted her and they went into the dress shop together. Wednesday was cold and grey and Mia wandered around the house moodily willing the evening to come, and yet dreading it. It would be his first experience of a big social occasion as a girl. Shopping in town with Carrie, drinking coffee at a bar, or just taking the dog for a walk - that was one thing. You could always avoid too close contact with suspicious strangers if you wanted to, but a full-scale soir?e, that was quite another affair. He would be introduced to everybody, and as an attractive woman would naturally be the focus of attention. Somehow the day passed and now it was time to go. Carrie called from the hall ,"Are you ready darling?" Mia was sitting at his dressing table and put a last dab of powder on his nose before getting up. It would have to do, though he was torn between wanting to make himself as pretty as possible for Donnersmark and playing the safe, unglamorous role of dowdy schoolgirl. What he hoped was the golden mean was his new silk dress, pearls and undressy pumps. He felt like a model on a catwalk as he clattered downstairs watched by Carrie's critical eye. "Oh, that's perfect darling. Butter wouldn't melt in your mouth. Let's just hope he knows how to sing,". It was typical of their new closeness, thought Carrie, that thy both knew what she was talking about. And symptomatic of the unreality of the occupation, with the normal rules of life supended, that she should be encouraging her son to attract the interest of an enemy officer. Haitink lived alone with an old housekeeper in a small villa a few minutes' walk away. Carrie and Mia walked arm in arm through the leafy streets, balmy in the twilight with scent of linden trees. "There's the Bernhardts, of course; they're old money fallen on hard times, but quite nice. Haitink's niece, Anna Hout who used to be part of the fast set, is coming with her husband, a very dull lawyer. And then there'll be some Germans of course. Haitink does like to keep in with the Boche, and sometimes he has good taste, wouldn't you say, darling?" Mia blushed. "Oh don't keep on about it Mummy. I've only met him once, and he was nice to talk to, that's all." "Well I thought he was a complete dish darling, so I wouldn't be at all suprised if you did fall for him. I certainly would have at your age. Still, even so, you'd better mind yours ps and qs, if you know what I mean." "Stop worrying Mummy," said Mia, unnerved to be reminded of the realities of the situation. "You must be Mia, the pretty pianist! Uncle has told me all about you," said a slim dark woman with a drink in her hand. "I'm Anna by the way, and I hope we'll be friends." Leaning forward she took Mia's hand and quickly kissed him on both cheeks. "Life is so dull nowadays, and we used to have so much fun! Would you like a cocktail?" Carrie smiled encouragement over Anna's shoulder and Mia said, "Yes, I'd love one." In fact it was his first cocktail and he felt the gin and vermouth have an almost instant effect as he sipped shyly, smiling as Anna took him round the party. "This is Mia, my new girlfriend. Mia this is my husband Gert, and here are the Bellingers, such pets. Over there in the corner are the two Arendt brothers. They're very big in finance even if they do look like Friesland pigs. And these are my friends Captain Breidenstein, Major Bloch and Lieutenant Frisch,". The German officers clicked their heels and bowed to the pretty young Dutch girl who was such an attractive addition to the dowdy company. Anna and Mia were in fact the only women present under middle age, and most were a good deal older. The cocktail had relaxed Mia and untied his tongue. The Germans were dull but thrilled to have engaged his attention. Watching Anna at work, he copied her way of listening, head slightly tilted, eyes smiling, encouraging the Germans to talk while appearing to be thrilled by their banalities. "Mia, your glass is empty. Come with me and get another. Sorry to interrupt gentlemen," Anna had put her arm into Mia's and pulled her away, giggling. "I thought you might be getting out of your depth sweety. Give them a toenail and they'll have your leg off, if you know what I mean." "Thanks - I was swimming quite nicely, but they were a little deutsch.," Anna laughed uproariously and they reached the buffet table in the hall. Just then the front door opened and Mia saw Donnersmark , red-faced and out of breath, as he gave his hat and coat to the housekeeper. His heart missed a beat and then settled into an excited pounding. Instinctively he turned back towards Anna who had mixed the cocktails. Mia heard how Haitink welcomed this last guest and Donnersmark's explanation ,"Kartuschka's gone down with flu and won't be coming. What's worse he's got my music. I know Schwanengesang by memory of course, but wherever will we find a pianist?" Mia pretended to be utterly aborbed in the story Anna was telling about a Frenchman she had dated, while at the same time his mind was racing: should he volunteer to play? Did he know the songs well enough? Would Donnersmark ask anyway? ,"Of course, if I'd married him I'd be a marquise by now, and not just Vrouw de Meer. Hallo, here's Donnersmark, weren't you going to sing tonight?" said Anna, interrupting Mia's thoughts." "Well yes, that was certainly the plan. But you know what they say about the plans of mice and men.... Miss Van der Veldt, how nice to see you again." "Mia, I didn't know that you two were old friends." "Mm, yes...at least we met last weekend." "New friends, perhaps," smiled Donnersmark ,"and tonight I was going to return the compliment wasn't I? "I'm dying to know what compliment that could be," laughed Anna. "Schubert for Schubert," explained Mia. "Yes, I was going to sing, but my partner has failed me." Anna didn't pause for thought, "But darlings, why doesn't Mia play instead. Uncle said she's super on the ivories." "Miss van der Veldt, would you consider it? Do you know the songs?" Mia felt his dark eyes searching her face. "Yes. Yes, I do know them," said Mia simply, after what seemed like an eternity, "I know them by heart." The first songs went by in a blur. Mia registered immediately that Donnersmark had a beautiful voice and knew how to use it. They quickly established a rapport of give and take, so that even though they hadn't rehearsed they instinctively knew when to slow down or speed up, or hesitate just before a climax. Donnersmark could convey the troubled longing for beauty which was at the heart of Schubert in an utterly authentic manner. The few, heart-felt glances that he cast at the pretty, young girl at the piano merely heightened that feeling. The applause at the end was rapturous and sincere. Everybody sensed that they had expereinced something exceptionally intense, out of the ordinary, perhaps all the more so because of the hellish background of the war. As the clapping died own Haitink could be heard pronouncing to his guests ,"All's well that ends well - this calls for champagne!". Mia felt Donnersmark's hand on his shoulder - the heat of his touch burning through the thin silk. "Miss Van der Veldt, you were wonderful, I felt so inspired. It was like you knew exactly what I was going to do before I did it." "Yes, it did go beautifully, didn't it? I often get a bit nervous, but you were so easy to follow. It all felt so natural." It was completely natural too to take Donnersmark's arm as they made their way through the throng like an established couple. "Do you know, now that we've made music together it feels like we're proper friends. Is it alright to call you Mia?" "Of course," said Mia without thinking ,"that's fine by me. It's Karl, isn't it?" "Karl Friederich Wilhelm Gottesfurcht," he added, "but Karl will do nicely," and they laughed together. Mia felt so secure on Karl's arm, as he steered them through the salon, acknowledging congratulations like a glamorous Hollywood couple at a gala premiere. He stole a glance at his new protector, drinking in the handsome features and graceful bearing. He was wonderfully tactful with an old bore with his Bayreuth memories and charming with the myopic granny who asked so many questions, Mia could feel an admiring smile on his lips as he looked up at Karl. "Well my dears, don't wait too long before getting married," croaked the old lady. Mia felt himself blushing madly, but Karl, ever gallant, called after her as she shuffled away. "It's early days yet, wouldn't you say Mia?" and with a wink and a quick squeeze on the elbow he had restored Mia's glow of well-being. The early days were over now and Karl and Mia used to meet often to sing lieder at home, or to meet at a caf? in town. Karl was always attentive and affectionate and it made Mia madly proud to walk together with this, tall, handsome man whom he loved with an intensity which was almost frightening. He loved their long conversations about music and literature and Karl's hilarious impersonations of the great actors he had seen in Munich. When Karl was away he would send marvelous letters describing friends and colleagues in Berlin and his family on the estate near L?beck. Whenever they parted Karl would give Mia a quick kiss on the lips, hardly more than a peck, and then seem to need to get away. Whenever they met he was glowed with pleasure of seeing his girlfriend again but Mia longed for more. Why wouldn't Karl kiss him properly? Why was he holding off physically? He made no more demands on Mia than he had six months before at Haitink's soir?e. By now Mia was totally confident as a girl and indeed rarely thought of himself as anything else. It couldn't be that Karl had somewhere, instinctively, sensed his secret and felt sorry for him? In the end Mia couldn't stand the uncertainty any longer. The passionate songs of Dichterliebe made everything seem perfect and hopeless at the same time. Mia played the stormy postlude and looked up at Karl. "You know we can't go on like this." "What do you mean?" Mia got up from the piano and walked over to the open window. It was a perfect Spring day, the apple trees were in blossom and the birdsong was ecstatic. He turned to Karl who hadn't moved except to shut his music. "Well you and me seeing so much of each other. I love playing lieder with you but it seems like you avoid me otherwise. You're always polite and kind and even affectionate, but it's like you're not all there when we're not making music." "But Mia," Karl started ,"You know you're the only thing which brings me happiness in this city. I've told you again and again how much I adore you." "Karl, can't you just hold me in your arms and tell me you love me?" "Darling Mia, I've sworn not to say that until I know that I can live with that person for the rest of my life." "But you've said again and again that I'm perfect. Why don't you want to kiss me and pet me and take me to bed. I spend the entire time fending off advances from lecherous men and yet the man I love just keeps his distance." "Darling Mia, I love you like a sister, but I can't give you more." "Can't or won't?" "Listen darling, let's sit down on the sofa,". Karl reached for Mia's hand and led her to the sofa by the fireplace. Before they sat down Mia saw their reflection in the ornate gilt mirror - he, tall and dark, with his arm round the shoulders of a pretty fairhaired girl, the perfect couple, thought Mia bitterly. Karl seemed to be searching for words, smoothing the cushions after they had sat down. Finally he broke the silence. "I know you're still quite young and this may be shocking to you. But I've had girlfriends before and it's never worked out. It's always been an embarassing failure and I would never want to hurt you like that." "But you're hurting me more by holding back." Mia took his hand and stroked the long fingers. "But Mia you must understand that some men can't love girls....." Mia's heart missed a beat and looking deeply into his eyes asked ,"Do you mean that you can only love other boys?" "Yes, my sweet, that's exactly what I mean. Are you very shocked? Can you understand now? Is that a terrible disappointment to you?" Mia stood up quickly, his heart pounding, blushing madly, and turned away, his thoughts and feelings in chaos. Perhaps there was a chance of the man he loved loving him back, loving him for what he was as Mia.... "Mia, say something," pleaded Karl. "When you came into our lives that Sunday evening last Autumn I was changed for ever. I had never really looked at a man before I saw you and suddenly I couldn't look at anybody else. I know I'm very young and inexperienced but I believe in my heart, and it told me straight away that we belong together." "But Mia." "Don't stop me. I'm afraid I'm going to shock you too but I must tell you, otherwise I'll die. When you said that you could only love boys, it wasn't a disappointment to me." Feeling lightheaded Mia walked slowly, smiling slightly awkwardly and, putting his arms around Karl, slid into his lap. As their eyes met Mia took Karl's hand and whispering ,"I can be your boy as well as your girl," he pushed it under his dress, over his stocking top till it was resting at his knickers ,"Feel for yourself if you don't believe me,". For a moment Karl froze and Mia was afraid he would throw him off, but then he relaxed. His hand gently stroked the soft silk till it found what it was looking for. Mia gave a sigh of pleasure and as he responded to the caress he felt Karl's hardness underneath his buttocks. It was the ultimate validation of his new identity - the primal vote of confidence that every girl revels in, that she can make her man hard just by the set of her hips or the lowering of her eyelashes. Karl sought out his lips and kissed him, urgently, hungrily, roughly, his tongue pushing deep into Mia's mouth. "Oh you dream come true. Mia, I want to love you for ever." Mia responded to Karl's tongue, moving closer to him and putting his hands round Karl's neck. He felt Karl's hands stroking his thighs and moaned with pleasure and delight. At last, everything he had dreamed about, night after night, was about to come true... they kissed again and again, more and more urgently, until at last Mia pulled away. "Darling, don't let's rush this. Let's go up to my room,". Mia stood up, reluctant to leave the caressing hand and instead as Karl stood up kissed him again and by instinct let his hand float towards Karl's crotch and feel and warm bulge of his manhood. Yes, this was his lover.... At last Mia broke off the embrace and holding Karl's hand lead the way up the broad staircase to his bedroom. As soon as they had crossed the threshold Mia turned and with feverish fumbling attacked the buttons of Karls's tunic. Soon it fell with a clatter to the floor and now Mia slipped the braces of the broad shoulders and let his hand slide over the broad chest to the waistband of his trousers. Mia smiled to himself thinking that in this department at least he was more experienced than most women and very soon the trousers were open and his hand inside stroking Karl's rampant penis. At the same time he was responding to the caress of Karl's hands on his buttocks and in his crotch. Mia suddenly thought of an incident just before they had left Amsterdam a year ago. In the middle of the night he had woken to hear Gerti, the housekeeper whispering with her lorrydriver boyfriend as she smuggled him into her attic room. From the boxroom next door Mia had watched enthralled as Ard had lavished her body on her energetic lover. Carrie had found out later and sacked Gerti, referring to her as ,"that shameless slut,". So now he too sank to his knees and gently pulled out the straining member. He looked up at Karl and smiled before kissing the head of the penis and licking its full length, stroking at the same time. Then as Karl began to sigh he opened his mouth and savoured the musky perfume as he began to suck. As he did so he suddnly thought ,"this is what it's like to be a shameless slut. The kind of girl who takes men up to her bedroom and sucks their cocks. And when she's done that she lets them fuck her. That's me, I'm a shameless slut,". And far from feeling shame he revelled in the sense of power - that this beautiful, strong man wanted him so much, wanted him because he was so pretty, graceful and girlish. And now Mia felt restraining hands on his forehead. "Wait sweety," came the whisper ,"I want to have you properly,". In a daze he felt himself being helped up again and putting his arms on Karl's shoulders again whispered ,"Are you real, my darling?" before kissing him again and again. Finally Karl eased away and started to kick off his boots while pulling off his trousers. Mia unbuttoned his dress, drew it over his head and was patting his hair into place when he felt the warmth of Karl's nakedness cover his back and the nudge of an erect penis at his buttocks. He wriggled his hips a little and turning his head said in a smiling parody of Jean Harlow ,"Do you want something from me big boy?" "Come over to the bed you naughty girl and take what's coming to you," laughed Michael. "Coming in me, I hope, you shameless invader." Karl was over at the dressing table fiddlng with something and then they were on the bed together. Mia presented his ass to Karl who in a swift sweep drew down the knickers and stroked Mia's tight little anus with fingers covered in cold cream. At first Mia was tense but soon he relaxed into the rhythm of Karl's probing and a warm sensation spread to his crotch where his penis was longing for release. A sudden disappointment as the fingers withdrew but soon Mia felt Karl's hard penis at the entrance of his ass. "Oh yes please, fuck me my darling, fuck me," he groaned. There was a surge of pain as Karl forced his way in but soon Mia could take the full length of his lover without resisting and he rocked his hips to meet his lover's thrusting possession. Karl reached around for Mia's cock and began to stroke it in the same tempo. They were both sighing and groaning together now and finally with a masterful spasm Karl came and Mia felt a surge of warmth in his innermost being, and he too came in a wave of heat. They collapsed on the bed together and Mia dozed off in Karl's arms. Mia was woken up by the siren of a passing ambulance but Karl's calm breathing told him that his lover was still asleep. As he lay motionless his mind was in a whirl. So now he had a lover, just like many young, attractive girls. But unlike them he wasn't really a girl, was he? He was just pretending. This couldn't be pretending though, to feel this strongly, and surely he qualified as a girl by all the normal measures of femininity? He was very pretty, beautiful even, and had used the feminine arts of clothing, make-up and body language to seduce a commanding male and capture his heart. Now he was like all those great heroines of fiction, watching their lovers sleep after their passion was exhausted. To be continued. Kim Anderson December 2010