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Camp Shoni By Pamela [email protected] Chapter 1 "Camp Dah-nes-tsa, where boys are turned into men," Lorin read the camp motto on the first page of the brochure his mother had handed to him when he came home from school that day. It was January, cold and some snow was in the grass and hedges outside the house where he lived with his mom, dad and older sister Stephanie. The cover of the brochure said "Confederated Camps of Lake Navajo" and underneath: Camp Dah-nes-tsa, for boys ages 8 - 16 Camp Na-as-tso-si, for overweight girls and boys aged 12 - 16 Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad, for girls aged 8 - 16 In small letters at the bottom of the brochure it said, "The confederated camps of Lake Navajo are owned by Lake Navajo Camps, Inc." Lorin had been going to camp Dah-nes-tsa, or "Camp Dan," as it was affectionately called by the campers, every year since he was 8. It was a very nice camp. Well, it was the only camp he had known, but he had had fun every summer and he had made some good friends there. Since he had just turned 13 this year he was finally going to be eligible for the "upper camp." This was the camp for the older boys. They got to do many more exciting activities than the younger kids including a weekly Saturday evening dance with the girls of camp Ne- Zhoni Ah-tad. Lorin had many times heard the older boys discuss the different girls at camp "Shoni," as everyone called camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad. Camp Shoni had always seemed mysterious to Lorin. The thought of a parallel universe on the opposite shore of Lake Navajo filled with girls seemed fantastical. Oftentimes he could see the girls at a distance swimming and boating in the lake. Once he and his canoe mates had paddled to the center of Lake Navajo and had encountered several canoes filled with girls. He could never forget how pretty they had seemed to him. Anyway, this year he would finally get to meet them at the dances. It gave him butterflies to even contemplate it. It would take a lot of courage to ask a girl to dance. He hoped there would be some ladies choices and a nice girl would ask him to dance. Lorin was an attractive boy. His parents allowed him to keep his straight sandy blonde hair long since they were former hippies. There are many pictures in the family album of his dad with long hair in a ponytail, even though he now kept his hair short. Lorin's face was round, his sideburns wispy and he was still quite a ways off from needing to shave. He had a somewhat light bone structure, which came with a kind of minimal musculature so that he had never been an outstanding athlete. His good looks pretty much stopped anyone from teasing him about his lack of athletic skill. In any case, he was not a terrible athlete and his social standing among the guys was pretty nice all things considered. There was one secret Lorin kept from everyone in the world. The truth was he kept his hair long because he liked having that in common with girls. In school or wherever he saw girls he would think, "We've both got long hair, so I guess I'm sort of an honorary girl." He often daydreamed about getting his ears pierced. Long silver earrings would look good when framed by his blonde hair. The fact of the matter was that Lorin absolutely loved girls and everything about them. He secretly watched all that they did at school. How they talked and held their heads. How they walked and laughed. How they took care of their nails and make up. Their hairstyles. What kinds of skirts or jeans they wore. How and what kind of barrettes they put in their hair. Their shoes and stockings. The different tops they wore. He most enjoyed the hints of their underwear that he occasionally got a peek at. He was fascinated by the bulging outline of bra straps across the back of a blouse. Penny sitting in front of him in English class was his favorite. She often wore white tops and when she did Lorin could hardly peel his eyes off the delicate outline of her bra running across her back and up to her shoulders. He had studied bras enough to identify the outline of the strap buckles that presumably allowed girls to adjust the length of the shoulder straps. Why this was sometimes in the back and sometimes in the front was a bit of a mystery. Lorin turned the page of the camp brochure and saw a collection of photos of boys engaged in the various activities of Camp Dan: boating, swimming, playing ball games. He recognized some of the boys including his friend Owen. A hand coming into the picture next to Owen he thought might be his own. Text accompanying the pictures listed the sports and activities. There was even taxidermy, but only one boy had ever taken that all the years Lorin had been attending the camp. It was a boy named Carl who the guys thought was a bit batty. Somewhat ironically, Carl had ended up accidentally killing a bat and then stuffing it. Lorin especially liked reading the affirmation that "boys in the upper camp (Ages 14 - 16) can participate in a Saturday night dance with the girls of Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad." Lorin froze. There must be a typo he said to himself. Ages 14 - 16? It was always ages 13 - 16. He ran downstairs to his mom and said, "Did you see this mom. There must be an error. It says the upper camp is from ages 14 - 16!" "I'm sorry, Lorin," his mom said looking at him sympathetically. "There was a cover letter with the brochure saying they had decided to limit the upper camp to 14 - 16 starting this summer. It's because they had some problems last year with the younger boys at the dances. They were horsing around and the girls camp decided that enough was enough or something like that." "But mom, that's ridiculous!" "I know that you're very mature but there is nothing that we can do about it. It won't be as bad as you think. You always have so much fun." Choking up with grief, Lorin turned and walked slowly back to his room. He sat down on his bed in abject depression. This really, really sucks, he thought to himself. A whole other year and a half practically he'd have to wait. Fighting the urge to cry, he picked up the brochure and continued reading. On the next page there was a description of the weight watching camp. The kids in these pictures were invariably smiling. There was an extensive description of the diet and exercise regimes in a "supportive environment." It was foreign territory for Lorin. He figured that at least being overweight gave one the advantage of going to a co-ed camp. It's probably why everyone was smiling. Lorin skipped the further description of camp Na-as-tso-si, that his friends called Camp Nasty, and turned to the description of camp Shoni. The first page for camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad had a slogan like that for the boys' camp: "where girls learn to become women." The list of activities included many of the same sports as in camp Dan, but there was also many more crafts such as basket weaving, embroidery, dress making, cooking and "salon skills." There were pictures of the girls swimming, playing volleyball and hiking through a forest holding hands and smiling. Most of the girls were pretty. Some looked very athletic. The girls were mostly wearing T-shirts loosely framing their figures. Some of the girls looked to be busty but it was not particularly evident. It was so incredibly unfair to keep him in the lower camp. All last summer he had been giddy with the idea that finally, next summer, he was going to be going to the dances. He had spent many a night imagining his first visit to the girls' camp. To be able to dance a slow dance with one of the girls would be heavenly. To smell her perfume, to feel her hair on his cheek and to be touching her pretty dress. Feeling the urge to cry again, he turned the page and let out a small gasp of astonishment. There was a picture of the entire upper girls camp "dressed for the camp ending cotillion," on the last Saturday night of the summer. There were almost a 100 girls in the color photo, some seated in front, others standing behind them wearing the most beautiful assortment of dresses Lorin had ever seen. Many puffed out from the hips held out by crinolines and petticoats. The girls looked like they had been to the beauty parlor. They had the prettiest hairstyles and the most tasteful makeup. The palpable aura of massed femininity was so intense that Lorin felt a deep stab of envy. He wanted to be a part of the picture in the worst way. To be one of the girls standing there arm-in-arm in a pretty dress, wearing a little locket around his neck like so many of the girls in the picture. It was too much to bear. He felt a raw pain in his chest. Not only did he have no chance of being one of the girls, he would not even be able to dance with them this summer. He thought of praying to God to make it happen somehow. He starred closely at the picture and looked into the eyes of each of the girls, one by one. He noticed that for two of the seated girls he could see a hint of lacy crinoline peeking out from their skirts. He looked at the entire row of prettily stockinged legs and admired them. At least God, could You at least make it so that somehow I get to see the girls on the night of the cotillion? Could I just even be able to see them? That is not asking too much is it? He imagined what it would be like to dance with one of the girls. The swish of her dress against him as he held her and she held him. Maybe that was OK, but if by some miracle God could let him be one of the girls, he would never ask God for anything else again. Lorin was taken out of his reverie by the sound of his mom. "Are you done looking at the camp brochure?" "Yes, mom," he said ruefully. "I need you to complete the application. It asks you to check off your five favorite activities and to write a sentence or two about what your interests are. We've got to get it in the mail in the next day or two to make sure you get in. If you don't get in it could give us a big headache with our trip." Lorin's mom, dad and sister were traveling to Japan and China for the summer while his dad conducted some business. Lorin had wanted to go also, but his dad nixed the idea. "You're a picky eater and we'd have a hard time feeding you!" Lorin's dad was big time into Sushi. The thought of finally being in the upper camp had quelled any regret that Lorin had had at being excluded from the family trip. "OK, mom. But are you sure I can't go to Japan and China with you and dad? I promise I'll eat everything you place in front of me." His mom laughed. "Sorry honey. You'll have so much more fun at camp Dan than you'll have traipsing around with us." "Not in the lower camp!" "Please honey. You know there is nothing we can do about it, and I'm just as disappointed as you are." "OK mom. I'll fill out the form for camp disappointment!" "Very funny. I've left an envelope on the dining room table with the deposit check. When you're done with the application put it in the envelope and put it in the mail box on your way to school tomorrow morning." "OK, mom," Lorin said. "Don't forget!" "I won't." That night before going to sleep Lorin took out the brochure and turned to the picture of the girls dressed for the cotillion. The dresses were in every color including white, ivory, peach, pale blue, pale pink and with every kind of lace decoration imaginable. He studied the two girls whose petticoats he could see. Their stockinged legs were surrounded by the delicate lace netting that puffed up over their laps. "Why can't that be me, God?" Lorin prayed. "If You just made me a girl for the summer I'd be so grateful!" He felt misty eyed and then scolded himself for his self-pity. "I'm such a moron. It's just a dress." He lay awake for an hour pretending he was in camp Shoni. It was the week before the big cotillion. The girls were excited about getting their dresses ready. He had his dress hanging on a hook next to his bunk. It smelled faintly of perfume, like the way Penny sometimes smelled. He fell asleep. Awakening in the morning Lorin pantomimed putting on a dress and crinoline. Half way through, he stopped to start all over again, this time first putting on an imaginary bra, panty and stockings. He had never worn a bra or even touched one but he had thought about them and studied them enough, mainly from the "One Hanes Place" catalog that came every month or two for his mom. Probably a hundred different bras were displayed in every issue, and he enjoyed studying them, usually during the afternoons when he was the first one home and had gotten the mail. Often he knew he had an hour or two until his sister or mom came home, and in that time he could sit in the living room and admire the pictures of the ladies. He loved the fact they were always smiling. There must be something about wearing a bra that makes girls smile. A favorite game of his was to imagine what would have been going on in the minute or two before the pictures were shot. Part of this was thinking about how the model would be putting on her bra, and from this Lorin felt that if the opportunity ever arose, he would know what to do. The fantasy intensified when he imagined that he had breasts that awaited the bra. How big should they be he wondered. He broke out into a sweat and he felt his heart racing. I must be going straight to hell he told himself. As he often did in moments of frustration he recalled the glance he had once gotten up the short sleeve of Penny's white blouse. Her bra had been remarkably white against her skin and he had not thought such white was possible. If he ever wore a bra he'd have to check that out. How white would it look against his skin? He got dressed and went to the breakfast table. His mom was just leaving for work. "Did you fill out the application like I asked?" "Yes mom," he lied. "I know you're lying. Don't dawdle with it!" "I fell asleep last night. I did start it. Don't worry I'll get it in the mail today." "This morning." "This morning." She left for work. Lorin had a half hour before he would have to leave for school. He sat down at the dining room table with the application in front of him. In the upper right-hand corner there was a box listing the three camps and his mom had checked the box next to camp Dah-nes-tsa. After this was the usual information, his name printed carefully "LORIN BAXTER", his address and the family phone number. His mom had checked a box saying "returning camper" and underneath this she had written "5" in a space for the number of previous years. She had written in the name and phone number of their family doctor and the name of the school he attended. He found the deposit check. It was made out to "Lake Navajo Camps, Inc." Next on the application was a space in which his mom had written in his birthday. She had also checked a box saying "lower camp". In small print in parenthesis it said "8 - 12 for the girls in camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad and 8 - 13 for the boys in camp Dah-nes-tsa." "Rats!" he said to himself. He put down the application and once again flipped open the brochure to the picture of the girls in their pretty dresses. "God, can't you make me a girl so I can wear a dress like that and have these girls as my friends?" Lorin waited and nothing happened. Miracles never happen. That's for sure. He remembered after his grandpa died how much he prayed he would come back and he never did. "How about it God if you just let me go to Camp Shoni?" He laughed at the thought of being the only boy at the camp. It was getting late and he would have to go to school. Suddenly he tensed up and a jolt of electricity went through his stomach and into his heart. Why can't I go to Camp Shoni, he thought? I'd just have to pretend to be a girl. I could be one if I wanted to. A thousand thoughts darted through his mind. It's such a great idea. It's so easy. No one would ever find out. He got a clear vision of himself pretending to be one of the girls in camp Shoni. What a joy it would be! Then suddenly he groaned with the realization that the idea was fundamentally flawed. How dumb can I be! What about parents' day when the camps are opened for parental visits? Mom and Dad come every year and what a shock it would be if they found out that he wasn't at camp Dan. But just as fast he broke into a smile. Mom and dad will be in Asia! They can't come to visit! Excitedly he looked at the application form again. With a sense of mounting tension he noted that his mother had used a pencil to check off the camp he was to go to. He got up and found a pencil and sat down again in front of the application. The eraser was new and clean. With trembling hands and racing heart he rubbed out the check mark next to Camp Dah-nes-tsa, turned the pencil around and checked the box next to Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad. He next examined where his mom had printed his name. It was in ink! Damn! His mom must have switched to a pen after checking the first box, which was the only thing written in pencil. He starred at his name "LORIN". He was named after the great conductor Lorin Maazel, whom his parents had heard conduct the Cleveland Orchestra in Stravinsky's Rite of Spring. They were fond of telling the story of how the evening had been a revelation for them as to how wonderful music could be. And when Lorin was born a short time afterward they felt that naming him Lorin was the least they could do to honor the beauty that Maazel brought to the earth. Lorin got up and found a pen with black ink. He noticed that there was a slight gap between the "O" and "R" in "LORIN". He carefully added a stroke turning the "O" into a large lower case "a" and then placed a thin "U" between the "a" and the "N". He also turned the "I" into a capitol "E". The result was "LaUREN BAXTER." This spelling of Lauren as in Lauren Bacall had long been the name he had given to himself in his fantasies. He considered it providential that the sound of his name was appropriate to both girls and boys. It was just one more thing that made him feel like he was close to the opposite sex. He had even once kept a secret diary in which he signed the entrees as "Lauren" but had been so scared that his parents or someone else might find it that he had ripped it up and thrown it away. The only thing left to fix on the application was the information about being a returning camper. This would be hard to correct. It was getting late. He did not have time to think of something. He scribbled on top of the "5" so it was illegible and then put a large "X in the box for new camper and scribbled lightly over the "x" his mother had written in the box indicating a returning camper. He looked at the result. It looked pretty weird, like how could someone make a mistake about whether they were a returning camper or not? It would have to suffice. Quickly he turned to the part of the application his mom wanted him to fill out. Under activities was a list of items, such as swimming, archery and so forth and the instructions were to check one's favorite five. He checked "arts and crafts", "dress making", and "theater" and then decided he had better put down a couple of more athletic activities, so he also checked "swimming" and "dance". In years past he had always put down "riflery" but it didn't seem like something that Lauren would like. The last thing was to write a few lines about himself. He could not think of anything. In years past he had said that he liked doing things like white water rafting, but that had never been an activity for the lower camp. Only the boys in the upper camp took an overnight canoeing trip each year. I've got to just stick something there he said to himself. He wrote in a swirly handwriting that was like Penny's: "I've always liked fashion and I can't wait to see the pretty dresses at the Cotillion this year. I'm looking forward to making new friends with some nice girls." He read it back to himself and groaned. God does that sound stupid! He glanced up at the wall clock. I'm outta here! He put the application and check in the envelope his mom had left and sealed it. He ran around collecting his books and lunch and raced out of the house locking the door behind him. Clutching the camp letter in his gloved hand, Lorin walked quickly down the block toward school. He knew there was a mailbox on his route, two blocks away, and when he got to it he stopped in front of it. His misgivings about what he was doing had grown with each step he had taken. The more he thought about what he was about to do, the guiltier he felt about his deceitfulness. He hesitated in front of the box not knowing what to do. It was way too risky. It was crazy even. His parents would find out and how could he ever explain what he had done? They'll send him to a psychiatrist, for sure. He trembled at the thought of his dad knowing he wanted to pretend to be a girl. I can just rip open the envelope and change the application back to being correct. It would be messy, but it would still be OK. He resumed walking toward school. He had gotten just a few steps when he remembered the picture of the girls at the Cotillion and he stopped. I can't miss that, I want it so bad! What is really not fair is that Camp Dan won't let me be in the upper camp. I can just say that I had to go to camp Shoni because it was not fair otherwise! Lorin took a step back toward the mailbox and then stopped again. God, help me. I just want to go to the Cotillion. Is that bad? Trapped in indecision, it finally occurred to him that if he did not mail the letter, he would have to face the agony of regretting that he had given up this opportunity to be Lauren. However much guilt he would feel for his deceit, it would not be as bad as the pain he would feel for not having tried to be her. He ran back to the mailbox, opened the lid and let the letter slip from his fingers. The moment it fell in he felt a wave of fear at the enormity of what he had done. He walked away in a state of shock. What in the world have I done? How can I get so obsessed? What happens if Camp Shoni is full? Being a new camper I will be put behind returning campers. I could end up not having a camp to go to. It would ruin my parents' trip to Asia, besides the fact that they would find out that I had tried to sneak myself into a girls' camp. What an idiot I am, he thought. The anxiety he felt was close to becoming unmanageable. Maybe I should just confess what I've done. There is still time to get a new application for camp Dan. He could send it to the camp with a note explaining that the other application was a joke. He could say that a friend of his had done it as a practical joke. He'd also have to tell his parents about the same lie. It would be impossible to convince them of that. He heard his name being called and looked up. It was his best friend Kenny coming toward him. This was going to be the fist secret he had ever kept from Kenny except for his big secret, of course. Uneasily, he decided to just try and forget what he had done. He would deal with it later. The die had been cast. He would have to wait and see if he got accepted at Camp Shoni. If he did, who knows, he might just end up at the cotillion wearing a pretty dress. Chapter 2 During English class, while the teacher Mr. Oster wrote twenty five spelling words on the blackboard for the class to copy, Lorin starred at Penny's pretty back. The outline of her bra strap was easy to see and he was sure that he was in love with her. He would have loved to ask Penny on a date, but he knew that she hung out with a group of kids that were older and cooler than himself. He could not imagine that Penny would want to date him. His thoughts drifted to Camp Shoni. He might just end up going, he realized. It was possible that everything would fall into place and then he'd be there with all the pretty girls and he could be with them all the time. He imagined himself in a skirt and camp tee shirt and white tennis sneakers in a crowd of girls. He'd be wearing a bra just as Penny was now. By the end of the summer he'd probably feel as natural in a bra as Penny does. But the initial time would probably be a shock. It was hard to imagine how that would be, and then later at the end of the summer when he might actually find himself getting ready for the cotillion. His dress would be on a hanger waiting for him to put on. The girls would be sitting in the cabin in their slips putting on make up, combing their hair and chatting with each other. Everyone would be making an extra effort to be really nice, telling everyone how much they liked everyone's dresses and how pretty they were. They would be talking about the different boys they had met that summer and who would be their dates at the cotillion. The uneasy thought passed through Lorin's mind that he actually did not have a dress and it was hard to figure out how he could ever get one. Maybe they give the girls dresses to wear, he wondered. Lorin was taken out of his reverie by Mr. Oster saying, "and you Mr. Baxter, pronounce the next word out loud and see if you can figure out what it means." "I'm sorry, Mr. Oster, what word did you mean?" "Lorin, it's not like you to daydream in class! Pay attention." "I'm sorry, sir." "We were up to the third word." Lorin looked at it and read aloud: "'deception'. I guess that means when you trick someone into believing something to be true that isn't." "Very good. Now use it in a sentence," Mr. Oster said. Lorin thought a minute and said, "John's deception had gone on long enough. He would now have to admit to being a boy." The class laughed uproariously and after a minute Mr. Oster said, "very good Lorin, a bit strange, but very good." *** For the next several weeks the uncertainty of not knowing whether or not he was accepted at Camp Shoni weighed heavily upon Lorin and he was in a state of perpetual anxiety. If he could at least know that he was rejected by the camp, then he could confess to his parents, suffer whatever punishment they wanted to give him, and then hopefully end up in another camp. He would have learned a big lesson and he could go forward with his life from there. On the other hand, as soon as he knew that Camp Shoni accepted him he could start the seemingly impossible task of figuring out what he had to do so that he could fit in with the girls. While waiting for the verdict, every day his mind fostered ever more anxiety producing fantasies in which something would go wrong to cause him and his family great pain or embarrassment. A recurring scenario centered on his parents' reaction to finding out he wanted to pretend to be a girl. In this his mom and dad became so upset they had to cancel their trip to Asia at which point his dad lost his job and the family became homeless. In another fantasy, his secret got discovered a month into the camp season and the director called the police who came and locked him up at the police station until his parents came back from Asia. His parents never forgave him for what he had done and he ended up in a foster home. Clearly, it would be a miracle to somehow get through the whole summer without being caught. Just one more reason why he had been incredibly stupid to have done what he had done. The worrying became so omnipresent that Lorin prayed that an answer, any answer, would just come quickly. He thought of calling the camp office and telling them to switch his application to Camp Dan. They would certainly remember Lorin Baxter at the same address as Lauren Baxter. He would just say that someone had changed the application as a practical joke and he had only just learned about it. Of course, the secretary might want to speak to his parents, in which case his mom and dad would want to know whom the practical jokester was. Lorin would be stuck. He could never ask Kenny to pretend being the culprit. In fact, it was painful to imagine Kenny knowing about his secret desires! That would be the end of his friendship and surely everyone at school would find out about his wanting to be a girl in about two seconds. Lorin had trouble concentrating at school or on his homework assignments and his grades began to take a dip. He felt antsy and slept in fits. And then finally one night when he had taken a shower and was drying himself off he looked in the long mirror inside the bathroom door and realized that he had never even thought about the most important thing of all: people would have to look at him and see a girl. Not a boy. It was not just about pretending to be a girl or wearing girls' clothes. It was about the girls in the camp seeing him physically as being a girl. He starred at his penis. It was a dead give away. If he had to shower with the other girls like he used to shower with the guys at camp Dan, then he would not even make it one day at camp. "What have I gotten myself into?" he asked himself. He looked up at his face and saw a boys face. He took his hair and arranged it so that it covered his ears and framed his face. "At best I sorta look like a rock musician," he thought. Later, in bed, he got out the camp brochure and opened it up to the pictures from Camp Shoni. He examined the faces and hairstyles of the girls, longing to see why they looked like girls and why he did not. It dawned on him that if he only had bangs, like many of the girls in the pictures, he might then look a million times more like a girl. How could he get bangs he wondered? It would mean having to find someone who knew how to cut girls hair and then getting them to cut his. Not just cut his hair. Change him from boy to girl. He could not even have his hair cut before he left for camp. It all seemed so impossible. He felt a huge, new, wave of anxiety. One evening a week later his mom paid him a visit in his room after supper. "Lorin, today I got a call from Mr. Oster. Apparently your teachers had a team meeting and in their discussion they compared notes about you and came to the conclusion that you are not being yourself. They feel there is something that is distracting you from doing the A work they have always gotten from you." "I'm not failing anything!" Lorin exclaimed. "No, no, they say that your grades are now mostly in the B range. For anyone else they would not even notice, but you have always been a solid A student. They were hoping that I could tell them what might be weighing upon your mind." "I don't know mom. I guess I didn't study enough for a couple of tests. I'll try and study more." "The question is why didn't you study enough for the tests. What is distracting you from studying?" "Nothing mom." "Lorin, don't be evasive. We both know there is a problem here and if you tell me then I'll be able to help you with it." "But mom, there's no problem." "Are any of the boys bullying you?" "No way! Where did you get that from?" "I'm just guessing. Well, perhaps I need to bring your father in on the discussion." "No wait mom. The only thing is I guess that I've been thinking a lot lately about..." He hesitated, feeling embarrassed. "Go on, Lorin," his mother said kindly. "I think about Penny. She sits in front of me in English." Lorin's mother face broke out into a smile. "A girl? Is that what this is all about?" "I think I guess I have a sort of crush on her." He thought about her bra strap and then his favorite memory of her white bra against her skin. "That's a perfectly normal thing for a young boy. Your father could talk to you about it." "I know mom. I guess I was thinking of talking to dad about dating. You know I sort of want to ask her out. But..." As gently as she could his mom said, "But what, Lorin?" "But I'm afraid to. I'm afraid she'll have no interest in me. She'll laugh at me!" For some strange reason Lorin felt tears coming on and stopped talking. "These fears are perfectly normal. But I'm sure that Penny would never make fun of you for asking her out. Even if she did not want to see you, say she had another boyfriend, she would still be flattered by your attention. I know, since I was a girl once a long time ago and every girl loves to be asked out. Particularly by someone as handsome and smart as you." The attention caused a few tears to roll out of Lorin's eyes and his mother felt a pang of love for her son's vulnerability. She slid next to him on the bed and gave him a hug. Lorin composed himself and said, "I know it's wrong to let my thoughts of Penny distract me, so I think I can stop doing that. I also will see about asking her out." "Good, you should. I hope you will talk to your dad about it. He was pretty good with getting himself dates, and I think that I prove that!" Lorin and his mom laughed at the joke. Before leaving his room his mom said, "I love you Lorin." "I love you too mom," Lorin replied. After that conversation Lorin felt even guiltier than he had before. It was true that he thought about Penny and about asking her out. But he knew it certainly was not the reason for his not studying. He decided that come what may, he would get his grades back up again, if for no other reason than to prevent his mom and dad from poking around into what he was thinking about. Several weeks went by and finally on the first of April he came home just before dinnertime, after playing at Kenny's house after school. His mom called to him when he came in saying "there's a big envelope for you from Camp Dan." Camp Dan? How could that be? How could Camp Dan be admitting him? It was such a surprise. How could they? The camp secretary must have realized who he was and put him back into Camp Dan. Lorin felt a huge disappointment. All that worrying for nothing! It all made sense. The secretary would take one look at the name Lauren Baxter and figure out that someone was playing some sort of joke. Lorin went to where the mail was kept on a small table next to the front door. He saw a large white envelope and picked it up. It was addressed to "Lauren Baxter." Why did they spell my name wrong he wondered. Since the envelope was large he knew it had to be an acceptance. Why else would they send such a large bulky envelope? He walked up the stairs to his room and shut the door. Sitting on his bed he starred at the front of the envelope. Lauren Baxter, plain as day. He couldn't believe his mother hadn't noticed. He flipped over the envelope to look at the return address. Expecting to see Camp Dah-nes-tsa, instead he saw in large letters, Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad and its address at Lake Navajo. Oh my God! Mom must not even have looked at the back of the envelope! She had just assumed it was camp Dan! He danced around the room pumping the air with his fist. I can't believe it! I got in! I'm going to be Lauren this summer! I'll be at the cotillion! He twirled and twisted around the room in excitement. He fell on the bed and then jumped up and got the brochure and once again looked at the Cotillion picture. "I'm going to be there! I'm really going to have a pretty dress and be there with all the girls." He closed his eyes and imagined wearing stockings and putting on a petticoat and a dress and make up and arranging his hair. "And I'll have beautiful shoes with high heels!" He sat back on the bed and then shivered with the thought of what would have happened had his mother seen the return address. Why hadn't he thought of that? It unnerved him to realize how exposed to being caught he had been. He should have come home straight from school every single day like he usually did, so he could be the one to check the mail. He vowed that from then until he left for camp that was what he would have to do in case Camp Shoni sent any other letters. He ripped open the envelope and took out the contents. Before looking at what was inside he tore the empty envelope in such a way that the words "Lauren" and "Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad" were cut down the middle. Then he ripped off the bits of paper containing these words, wadded them up and put them in his mouth and then spit them into the trashcan. One less piece of evidence, he thought. He next looked at the top sheet of the camp papers. It was a personalized letter: Dear Lauren: Welcome to Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad! We are so pleased to have you join us for a wonderful summer of fun on the shore of Lake Navajo! Accompanying this letter you will find a list of recommended items to bring to camp, an activity questionnaire for you to fill out and mail back and an information booklet that describes some of the rules of the camp, guidelines for getting to the camp including a bus schedule for picking up campers from the Greyhound bus station in Poughkeepsie, and other useful information. Bunk assignments, a list of your fellow campers and other last minute details will be sent to you in early May. A return envelope is included with which to mail the balance of the camp fees: due May 1. We look forward to seeing you this summer! The Directors Lorin danced around his room again, skipping, twirling, giddy with happiness. "I'm going to be a girl! I'm going to be a girl!" He couldn't believe it. How had he actually gotten his application accepted? It didn't matter. It was done! He sat down on his bed and looked at the next sheet in the packet. At the top it said, "Recommended Items for Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad." There was a long list of things. It started: Clothing: 6 bras (2 sportsbras) 12 panties 2 pair pantyhose 6 pair white socks 6 pair anklets 1 half slip 1 full slip 6 shorts 3 skirts 12 blouses (3 buttoned) 2 bathing suits 2 pair sneakers 2 pair walking shoes 1 pair hiking boots 1 pair heels 2 nightgowns 2 dresses 1 gown and crinoline (for cotillion) Toiletries/makeup: lipstick, eyeliner, rouge, nail polish and remover hair spray brush/comb hand mirror hair dryer deodorant razor and shaving gel 2-3 month supply of Tampax cotton balls, Q-tips At the bottom it said: "Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad does not permit piercings of any kind except earrings." He went back to the top of the page. 6 bras? How in the world would he ever get six bras? He had never thought about how he could possibly get even one. And the slips, skirts and dresses? And pantyhose? How would he get this stuff? How did he know what size to get? Where could he get it? A knock on the door interrupted his reverie. "Honey, can I come in?" he heard his mom call. He collected the papers from the camp and clutched them tightly. "Sure, mom." His mother entered. "Dinner is in a couple of minutes. You should wash up. What did the camp say?" "I got in. It's just the usual stuff. What to bring and you know, the activities questionnaire." "Right. Let me have the list of things to bring, and I suppose I need the transportation info." "I'm... still... looking it over, ...sort of" Lorin said haltingly. "Well, let me have it when you're done. I need to see what we ought to buy." "OK, mom." He said this in a clipped voice like he was obviously nervous. His mother looked at him strangely. He prayed that she wouldn't ask him what was the matter. "Are you still bothered about Penny?" "Yeah, a little. But I got a 95 on the science quiz. I studied real hard." "I'm glad to hear that. Your dad says you haven't talked to him about dating. I think you should." "OK mom, I will tonight." "Good. Dinner is in five minutes. Wash up and come down to dinner." As soon as his mom left the room, Lorin stole a quick look at the activities sheet. It said that the girls at Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad bunked 8 to a cabin, with one counselor per cabin. Each cabin of girls were classified as being either "Wolves" or "Bunnies" depending on whether they preferred athletics to more artistic pursuits such as music, theater, painting and crafts. Usually each age level had at least two bunny cabins and two wolf cabins. The camp classified each camper into bunny or wolf depending on how they answered the questionnaire that they were supposed to mail back as soon as possible. It said that the camp tried to keep as many bunnies together and wolves together as possible. But if you were a bunny and found yourselves with the wolves or a wolf and you found yourself with mostly bunnies, you'd still have a marvelous summer. Lorin laughed at that. He knew he was going to be a bunny. He did not mind playing sports but he knew that he would be far more interested in activities that would give him a chance to hang out with the other girls and just talk about girl things. If they let the girls help plan the cotillion he would definitely try and be on the committee. It would be fun to make decorations or whatever else they might need to do. He put the papers underneath his schoolbooks and headed downstairs for dinner. He remembered that his mom wanted the list of what to bring and the transportation info. He hoped she would forget about it until he had time to think of an excuse for not giving it to her. He could just pretend to have lost it, but that might make her angry. In any case she would certainly call the camp for a replacement copy. Whoever answered the phone at camp Dan might say there is no Lorin Baxter signed up for the summer. He felt conflicted inside. He did not like one bit the thought of having to make so many lies to his parents. One big lie was enough. A lot of little lies felt bad and he did not see how he could get away with too many of them before he was found out. When dinner was over and he was clearing the dishes his dad said, "Lorin, your mom says that there is something you would like to discuss with me." "Oh yeah, dad," Lorin said. "What's that Lorin?" his sister Stephanie said. "NOYB" Lorin said. "It's a man-to-man talk?" Stephanie said. "Yeah, it's man-to-man and I can't discuss it with you," Lorin said. Stephanie chuckled. "It must be about dating. Do you have a crush on a girl?" "Stephanie!" Lorin was not happy about being teased. "Yes, Stephanie," his dad said. "Lorin and I are going to have a man- to-man chat. And if I end up imparting to him some of the famous Baxter dating technique, well all I can say is that there will be a bunch of very happy girls out there!" Lorin blushed while his dad and sister laughed. From the other room Lorin's mom said, "I heard that! When you're done with your chat you Baxter boys can use some of your Baxter techniques to clean the dishes. I've got to bring some soup to Mrs. McGonagle who's feeling a bit piqued today." Mrs. McGonagle lived in the house whose yard abutted Lorin's family's property across the back fence. She was a recent widow: her husband had been a train engineer and had been killed in a freak accident while switching engines at the train yard. "So what's up?" Lorin's dad asked. "I heard that your grades have jumped back up and you've fallen head over heels for some girl in your class." "Well I sorta guess so dad. It's Penny who I sit behind in English class. She's very pretty. Sometimes it's hard to not look at her." "Her back?" "Yeah, well it is her back but I can sometimes see." Lorin hesitated. He did not exactly know where he was headed and felt embarrassed. "See what?" "I can see her straps. Under her blouse. And I once saw through the arm hole of her shirt." "Oh, you mean you saw her bra?" "Yeah, I saw a good view of it." Lorin was sweating profusely. He could not quite figure out why he was telling this to his dad. He glanced at his dad's face. He was smiling from ear to ear and his eyes had crinkled to little slits. It seemed like his dad was trying to control himself and then all or a sudden he burst out into a huge laugh. He guffawed and shook with laughter. "I'm sorry Lorin. I'm truly sorry. I shouldn't laugh." He lost control of himself and laughed some more. Lorin looked at him smiling. Even though he felt a bit ridiculous. It was nice to have made his dad laugh so hard. His dad finally collected himself and said, "it's perfectly normal. It's just normal, Lorin. Those little straps. Those little peeks men take at them and anything else they can see. All men are doing that all the time. It's what those straps symbolize. Something that's over the great divide. It's something that you and I will never know about. A world that is forever lost to us. A bra strap on a shoulder. A tiny little thing, but it's so packed with meaning since it's only for women. It's something only they know about wearing. And it's something that only they know about wearing since only they have you- know-whats." Inwardly, Lorin felt scared. Hearing his dad say "it's only for women," made him see that he had been too easy on himself these past few weeks. No matter how much he wanted to be in the cotillion, it did not suffice to make it OK to do what he was doing. The lying, the deception (Mr. Oster would be proud of him) were wrong. Just wrong. "So it's OK to think about that? I mean I think of Penny's bra a lot." "And what's in them?" his dad said. Lorin blushed bright red. "Yeah, of course," he said. But the truth was that he had never gotten that far. The bra itself had been as much as he could handle. His father was clearly enjoying this opportunity to have an intimate conversation with his son. "Lorin. Did you ever hear of Victoria's Secret? A billion dollar industry devoted to purveying underwear for women? Why do they do such a huge business? Why are they in every mall? Or take France for example. Every block in Paris has its perfumery, its bakery, a cafe and a little shop selling bras. It's because of exactly what you and every man feels when he sees a woman wearing those pretty little things." What he wanted to say to his dad but was afraid to say was: "I think of Penny's bra a lot because I want to have one of my own. I wish that I could wear bras the same way she has to, and all the other girls. I feel left out. Some days I am so jealous of Penny I don't know what to do. I don't think that it's fair that she gets to wear bras and I can't." "I guess I was afraid there was something wrong with me," Lorin finally said. "Where do you get such notions?" his dad said. "You probably need to talk more with your friends. That's probably the way most boys sort of learn about girls. Even better than that, once you get a few dates under your belt you'll feel so much more comfortable with girls. Of course they will always be a mystery to guys. They think differently than we do and I don't know if there has ever been a man who completely understands them. If he did, he'd make a gazillion dollars." Lorin and his dad laughed. Their conversation turned into a monologue in which his dad boasted somewhat nostalgically of his dating exploits. It was pretty interesting and also informative and Lorin hoped that he would have the courage to ask Penny out on a date. When they were done talking, Lorin felt closer to his dad than he could ever remember being. He also felt a low dull ache in his heart thinking of the secret he was hiding from him and what his dad would think of him if he found out. "Thanks dad for the little talk. I feel better and I think I will ask Penny out." Later that evening Lorin thought about what his dad had said in their conversation. Not only did he have to look like a girl and have all the girls see him as one, he would have to talk like a girl, say things a girl would say. He could not talk the way boys do in front of them. It was just one more impossible thing he would have to figure out in the next three months. As his mind flitted through the myriad things he would have to do before camp and the myriad problems he would have to solve, it occurred to him that he needed to formulate a plan. He would have to be systematic, he decided. What he'd do was start a diary and in his diary he'd put down all his ideas for solving his problems. He remembered that his sister had been given three diaries for Christmas from different friends and relatives. She had made clear to all that she never kept diaries and that she certainly did not need three at once. The diaries had been put in a drawer in the living room that held paper supplies and other stuff for school. Lorin went downstairs and seeing that no one was around opened the drawer and saw the diaries. Two of them were relatively plain white leatherette. The third was pink with daisies on it and had a picture of Barbie on the front and a slot within which was a card saying "This Barbie diary belongs to," with blank space to write a name. There was also a latch with a small key taped next to it, which could be used to lock the diary shut. Lorin took the Barbie diary and raced back up to his room and closed the door and sat down on his bed. He took out the card and wrote on it "Lauren". He sat back on the bed and read "This diary belongs to Lauren." He took the key and tried it in the lock. It turned and he pulled at the latch and opened the book. The pages of the diary were a light pink color with a faint picture of Barbie smiling from the upper left side. The first few pages had places to write in the names of ones best girl friends, what one wanted to be when one grew up, ones favorite song, movie, TV show and other things. The last few pages had space to list boys you had a crush on, and the name of your boy friend. He turned to the first blank page. On the top left was written "Dear Barbie," and to the right was a place for the date. Lorin wrote, April 1. On the first line he wrote: "I've decided to be a girl for this summer. Please don't be mad at me Barbie, I need you to be my friend. I have so many problems. I'll never be able to solve them all if you aren't there to help me. I need you to give me ideas. You're a girl, really the prettiest girl there is. If anybody can give me good ideas it will be you. Anyway, I'm scared of what I've done. I'm going to use this diary to tell you about my problems and how I'm going to solve them. Please help me Barbie! I know you are wondering what my problems are. Well they can be broken down into a few categories. First of all I have to learn how to talk and think like a girl. Secondly, I have to look like a girl, and thirdly I have to get all the girls clothes and other stuff I need for camp. There are also other problems which if I think about them I will cry. I love you Barbie. Your buddy, no, your girl friend to be, Lauren." He sat back smiling. This is going to be so much fun. His own Barbie diary. He wondered if Penny had a diary. He closed the book and locked it. Once again he heard his mom calling for him from outside his door. "One minute, mom," he yelled out. He lifted up his mattress and stuck the diary underneath and then opened the door. "I just came by to get the camp stuff, before you lose it." "Oh, OK, I'll bring it to you in a minute. I'm almost done looking at it." "Be quick about it. It's getting late!" "OK mom." He forced himself to smile at her. The moment she left his face contorted into an expression of anguish. What in the world was he going to do? He took another look at the camp forms. All he could do was say he had lost them. Camp Dan certainly did not have bunnies and wolves! The guys wouldn't be expected to bring 6 bras to camp, would they?. He could just say that one minute he had them, the next minute they were gone. She would believe that about two seconds! He looked at the info sheet and saw that the camp had a web address: www.ne-zhoni-ah-tad.com. What if camp Dan also had a website? He wondered if they had any camp information there. He ran to the computer on his desk and typed in an equivalent web address for Camp Dan. It came back with a message saying that the website did not exist. Damn! He then typed in the address of camp Shoni. It came up in a few seconds. At the top there was a button for "home". He clicked on it, and a page appeared saying "Camps of Lake Navajo." Below that was a button to click for each camp and he clicked on the one for Camp Dan. It brought him to the homepage of Camp Dan. Thank God, he thought. The web address was exactly www.dah-nes-tsa.com. Puzzled he looked at the history and saw that he had previously typed in www.dah-new-tsa.com. What an idiot he was! On the Camp Dan web page was a section entitled "information for campers." He could not believe how lucky he was! In the information section there was a page listing recommended items. He looked it over and saw that it was exactly like the one for camp Shoni, but did not say anything about 6 bras! Another page gave bus information and everything just like camp Shoni. He hit the print button and a minute later he had the forms for Camp Dan in his hand. All he was missing was the cover letter and he was sure his mom would not care about that. He hurried to his mom's room and gave her the pages. "Here mom. I guess the camp looks pretty good, I guess, even though I won't be in the upper camp." He didn't exactly know why he had to lie just then, but he felt compelled to do so. "I'm glad you're trying to make the best of it. It's always good to have a positive attitude." Lorin went back to his room feeling relieved that he had successfully passed the first big test of his deception. He wondered what other difficult situations were in store for him in the months to come and would he be as lucky the next time around as he was this time. Chapter 3 In English class the next day Lorin took frequent peeks at Penny sitting in front of him. She was wearing a gray, ribbed top with a collar and the outline of her bra was barely visible if at all. He was determined that he was going to ask her out on a date this very day. Besides the fact that his mom and dad would probably continue to bug him about it until he did, he also had to admit that being on a date with her was probably right up there with going to the cotillion. Well, that would be true if Penny felt towards him as he felt towards her. She would have to want to hold his hand or even kiss him. Then he imagined she would encourage him to gently place his hand on top of her bra and then slowly move it inside her bra cup. He felt overcome with desire for Penny. He knew that if he did not do something about it soon he would bust. After English class was lunch. Sometimes Lorin found himself walking to the cafeteria next to Penny in the crush of kids. It would be a perfect time to ask her out. When the bell rang signaling the end of the period, Mr. Oster excused the class and Lorin watched Penny to see what she did. She got up and looked around. When she saw Lorin looking at her she smiled at him and Lorin looked away and then back at her. It seemed to him she might be looking for one of her friends to accompany her to the cafeteria. Before she did so, he would have to act. He summoned up his nerve and said, "Penny?". She stopped and turned toward him. While they had known each other for quite some time, they had not had many occasions to get to know each other on a more personal basis. One exception had been in biology lab where they and two other kids had dissected a frog together. There had also been an occasion during a class trip to Philadelphia when their tour had stopped at Betsy Ross's house. Lorin had asked the docent if there was any real proof that Betsy Ross had sewn the first flag since he had heard that historians claim otherwise: the story that she had done so was just a myth perpetrated by her family to gain notoriety. Penny had overheard his remarks and chimed in saying that she had heard the same thing. Lorin had been happy to have this affirmation since the docent had been less than excited at hearing Lorin's comment. Later, when he had boarded the school bus for the trip home he had seen Penny sitting alone in a seat next to the window. It was the perfect opportunity to sit next to her and he had looked at her and had seen that she was looking at him. He had been about to sit next to her when her eyes left him to look at someone further behind him boarding the bus. In that split second he lost his nerve since he thought it might mean that she wanted to sit with someone else. Lorin ended up sitting in the seat directly behind her where he could see the top of her head but she could not see him. Later, another girl sat next to Penny and Lorin had subsequently felt regret for the lost opportunity to get to know her better. "Yes?" Penny said as she walked toward the door. Lorin could see that this was going to be an out-of-body experience for himself. He heard himself say, "I wanted to ask you something." "What Lorin?" Lorin followed her and glanced around to make sure no one else was within earshot. "I was going to ask..." he said and then paused afraid to go on. Then suddenly he said, "you know I like you?" He felt ridiculous and imagined that Penny might laugh at any second. "Sure. Why shouldn't you?" she said. Lorin suddenly could not think straight. Her answer raised as many questions as it answered. "I wanted to ask you out," he said finally. They were almost to the door of the classroom. "Why didn't you?" Penny said. Her answer was so unexpected Lorin laughed. He could not tell if she was making a joke or being encouraging, and he was not sure what he should say next. It was clearly so much more complicated than he thought it would be. "I mean, I am asking you out. I wanted to see you. I thought we could go to a movie or something." Penny smiled at him. "Sure Lorin that would be fun." She said it simply and sweetly. "Call me," she said. "Do you have my number?" He shook his head. She got out a pen and wrote it on Lorin's notebook. Then she said, "I've got to meet Janice," and she took off down the hall. It would be an understatement to say that Lorin was happy the rest of the day. Even though he saw Penny during his afternoon classes, he did not talk to her. He felt very aware of her presence and what she was doing. He was fearful of ending the magic feeling that he had: no matter what else might ever happen, there was an afternoon in his life when Penny wanted to go out on a date with him. That night after doing his homework Lorin took out his diary and wrote: Dear Barbie: I had the courage to ask Penny for a date today but I've got to call her and I'm afraid. Please wish me luck. Anyway, it's weird but no matter how much I want to see Penny, I can't let it stop me from getting myself ready for camp. I think the first thing I should get are my bras cause if I can get them then I guess I can get everything else. So what do you think? My plan is to buy them and I'm totally scared. I'll let you know what happens. Love, Lauren Lorin checked his cookie jar and found that he had $192.37. He figured that should be more than enough to get some bras. He opened up a recent "One Hanes Place" catalog that he had taken out of the paper recycle bin. The sheer number of different types of bras confused him and he often wondered how women ever figured out which style to wear. For reasons he could not identify it made him sad that many girls were probably not wearing the best possible bra for their body, since they had likely never even had a chance to explore all the different kinds of bras. Now for the first time he could not afford to remain confused. He had to figure out what bra would be appropriate for a 13-year-old girl and that was the kind he would have to get. There would be no opportunity to decide at an actual store, since he imagined that it would be bad enough just walking into the bra section to pick out a bra or two, let alone look at lots of bras trying to decide on a good one to get. His plan was to know exactly what to buy so he could just go right to it, take it off the rack and bring it to the sales clerk. He hoped the clerk would be a kind older woman who would not think that anything extraordinary was going on. If she might actually give him a wink of understanding, to make him feel more comfortable, all the better, but he doubted that that would occur. He opened up the catalog and saw on the first page a woman wearing a blue bra and matching panty. In large type it said "bras that breathe." Seeing the color made him wonder if he should get some bras of different colors. He thought that most bras were white, like Penny's, but he also had hoped that at least one of his bras might be pink. Now he wondered if having many different color bras might be even more natural than having only white bras. He decided that he would have to pay a visit to his sister's bra drawer and see what colors she had. He turned the page and saw pictures of women wearing similar kinds of bras to the blue one. They looked like they had large breasts; not at all like what he imagined he would look like in a bra. The next page had bras with "convertible straps" and then "action backs" where the straps came from the center of a band in the back. On the next pages the bras were supposed to offer "cotton comfort." He thought that many of the bras were pretty, particularly a Wonderbra "Love it Lace," but the model looked to be almost his mom's age and he figured the bra could not be for him. He came to several pages of seamless underwire bras. He counted 21 bras spread over 4 pages. Most were white but several were pink and blue. There was a Bali "Live it Up" bra that had pretty red and pink flowers on a white background. The design was called "Rosy Petals." According to the description, by wearing this bra "one could achieve the lift and shape one never knew one had." It couldn't be referring to him, Lorin thought. He could not imagine that putting on that bra would give him breasts. There was then a page of special needs bras for posture, maternity and leisure styles. He skipped this and came to a full page of a model wearing a beautiful pink bra. The section was "Classic underwires" and the bra was a Flower Bali. There was a cute thin bow in the middle of the bra between the cups and a sort of lace design over the top part. The woman had her arms crossed in a very feminine way with her hands holding her elbows. The description of the bra caught his eye: "USA's best selling department store full support underwire!" It came in pale pink, black, white and light beige. Lorin was encouraged by the idea that it must be for sale everywhere. It's probably selling right here in town, he thought. On the next page was a section on minimizer bras. "Minimize your bust line up to 1 1/4". Some women must want to not look like they have big breasts, Lorin thought. He then felt discouraged. All these bras are for women with breasts. I'll look stupid wearing a bra with no breasts in the cups. He threw the magazine down on his desk with disgust. How in the world did any woman decide what kind she wanted to wear? Maybe they try on every single one until they find one they like. He wished he could ask his mom about it. He imagined coming up to her one day while she was cooking dinner and saying, "Mom, I have a question for you." "Yes, dear?" she would say. "Well mom I was wondering how you decided what bra to buy. What kind of style, brand, color? It's so confusing!" His mom would blush a little and so would he. Finally she would say, "You know Lorin, you're right. But I buy the kind of bra I buy because...." And that was exactly where the little fantasy would end. He had no idea what she would say. Lorin went back to the catalog. He knew enough about bras to know that they had different cup sizes; the guys frequently made jokes about girls having "D size" boobs. He assumed that he would never qualify for a C or D bra and probably not even a B. But he wondered if A would be right for him. He looked through the pages to see if there were any "A" cup bras for sale. He saw that there were a few here and there but the great majority of the bras started with B cups and then went larger. He wondered if there might be a section devoted to just "A" cup bras. He turned through the pages beyond where he had gotten and came to a section devoted to bras lacking underwire. There were many pictures but the women in them looked to be just as busty as the ones with underwire. A number of the bras did come in "A" cup size but still they did not seem like they would fit him. After this there was a special section devoted to bras in half sizes. The women