Memories free porn video

Memories By Robin Y. I often think back to how I came to be the feminine male I am. There remains a lot of wishful thinking, but wishful thinking never changed anything and I try to use what I remember to gain some understanding of why I am who I am. I don't know if that is possible....I'm sure those memories are tainted with time, but I do believe that they offer some clues to why I chose the paths I have. Why we have the inclination for these choices may never be clear....but reliving in my mind some of the events that seem to have been turning points has helped me to cope with the problems associated with being 'whoever it is I am'. The first confrontation with my girly inclinations came when I was fourteen years old. My mom and I lived in a large house my father had built. My dad was mom's second husband. Mom married the first time at 19 and had a boy and then a girl in the first three years of her marriage. After eight years of marriage she became disillusioned with marriage and left her husband. He was a travelling salesman and wasn't able to give her all the attention she wanted. She, Victor (my brother) and Phyllis (my sister) moved back in with mom's mother in the small town she grew up in. It wasn't long before mother tired of the small town life. On one occasion she was in a larger neighboring city dining with friends when she met my dad. Long story short, he swept her off her feet and they were soon married and she and the kids moved again....this time to the beautiful house my father built and a new husband and stepfather for Vic and Phyllis. I was born three years later and in some ways always felt like an only child. My brother Vic was 13 years my senior and Anna was 12 years older than me. They had a different father who used to take them for summers to his vacation house on the beach in Florida (to mom's chagrin all his hard work had paid off for her ex and he was well fixed financially). During these times it was my dad, my mother and me. My dad was accustomed to continuing all the hobbies he had developed as a single man and played golf or racquetball or sailing or something every weekend. Mother did not like it when she was excluded and usually shopped during those weekends....dragging me along to my discomfort. I especially hated it when she brought me to her salon (which she called a beauty parlor) and I had to sit and wait while she and all the other ladies and girls had their hair and nails done. When I was very young, I guess I was just restless having to sit for a couple of hours with nothing to do but watch. As I got older I began to browse through the magazines in the waiting area to kill time. Everything was hair and makeup books or magazines except for a few women's magazines like Vogue, Glamour and as I remember Seventeen. I remember it because I was approaching puberty and really enjoyed looking at the pretty young models on the glossy pages. I had been attending these weekly beauty rituals since I was very young and no one paid any attention to the young boy sitting and looking at the feminine magazines. I remember one occasion when Ms. Shirley came up to me....I was 12 I believe. "Well, hello there young man!" Ms. Shirley owned the salon and was a very friendly middle aged woman who always looked like she was going out on a date. I guess she felt it appropriate that a purveyor of beauty such as herself had to project a well coiffed and made up appearance."I am so sorry I don't have any sports magazines for you....we don't get many men clients," she giggled like a young girl when she said it. "I guess you must be really bored." She looked at the open page in the magazine I was looking at. It was an ad for Revlon Nail Polish. The models hands looked like perfection and her nails were evenly rounded and shone with a bright wine colored polish. "Do you like that color, sweetie?" she asked. "Maybe your mother will let me do yours in that color....I love that dark color," she teased. I couldn't speak....my mouth was dry and I could feel my heart beating faster. I just smiled at her as she picked up a hairstyle book and then returned to the area where the ladies were being attended to. I remember this incident because it was the first time I can recall having a woody while out in public. I had started to experience arousal for a few months, but didn't really understand what was happening and had never had that feeling when out in the world so to speak (it was usually reserved for late at night while I lay in bed.....although I can't honestly say what I thought about at those times.) At first I found discharge on my bedclothes and once on the sheets. This scared me and I felt ashamed and didn't want anyone to know. When I could feel the urges coming on I would go in the bathroom and rub myself until I found relief. That beauty parlor experience still haunts me. I know now that I wanted more than anything to see my own nails glistening with the rich wine color, but I couldn't have admitted that to anyone much less myself. Whenever I was aroused and went into the bathroom I would think about that incident and pretend that I had let Ms. Shirley do my nails. I remember the first time I actually put on female clothes. Vic was 27 and had move to another state for a job and Phyllis was married and living near her father. I was alone quite a bit at that time as mother was in a bridge club and was active in many other social activities. I was thinking about Ms. Shirley's teasing and snooped in mother's vanity until I found a polish in a similar color. I must have sat there holding that bottle of polish for ten minutes. Finally, through fear of discovery and not really knowing how to go about transforming my nails to look like the glossy model photo I put the polish back in mother's vanity drawer. As I started to get up and go back to my room I spotted a lipstick case lying on the top of the vanity. Without thinking I picked it up, took off the cap and rolled up the tube of creamy lipstick like I had seen mother do so many times. Just the act of bringing up the feminine color (which was Cherries in the Snow) got my blood going and I felt lightheaded. I pursed my lips and applied the lipstick to my waiting lips. As I stared into the mirror I became really hard down there and ran to my bathroom and relieved myself. I had never experienced so much exhilaration. When I washed my hands I looked at myself wearing the red lipstick and became as ashamed as I had been exhilarated. I scrubbed the offending lipstick from my lips with tissue and finally soap to get all the remnants off. I was paranoid when mother and dad finally got home and was praying that they couldn't tell what I had been up to. I continued to experiment with cosmetics and a couple of times put on one of my mother's bra and panties. Each time I did these things I would end up relieving myself and then feeling paranoid and ashamed. One day near the end of 8th grade I got home from school to find mother crying. One of her good friends, Freida was there with her comforting her. When she saw me she began to shake and I thought she was having a nervous breakdown. Freida explained that my father had a heart attack and was in intensive care at the hospital. I was devastated and didn't know what was going to happen. Dad never recovered consciousness and died the next day. It was a sad day and Vic and Phyllis attended the funeral with the rest of dad's family and friends. I remember Victor pulling me aside at home before he left to return to his home and job in Mississippi. "Jamie (my name is James but everyone called me Jamie)....Jamie..." he said. "Little brother I want you to take care of yourself. I don't want to talk bad about mom, but she is very.....how should I put it.....very high strung. That means that sometimes she gets very emotional and does things that she probably regrets later. That's why we never went back to grandma Belle's after we moved away. She and grandma had a big fight after gramps died and now mother won't speak to her." I just looked up at my big brother (half brother, but I never thought of it that way). "Here is my cell number....if things get rough you can always call me. I've spoken with Phyllis and she will tell you pretty much what I am saying before she leaves. Don't wait too long to call one of us if mom.....goes over the top...know what I mean?" I told him I did and he gave me a hug and left. I had a similar talk with Phyllis and watched as she, her husband and daughter drove off after the funeral. That was when things picked up speed. With my father gone and really few family members around I started wearing my mother's soiled panties regularly. Being dirty was not an attraction, but I reasoned that she would be less likely to notice a pair of dirty panties that disappeared from the hamper for a few hours or even a day. One day when I came home from playing with my friends (I was 14 ? at the time) I yelled out to mom that I was home as I entered the house. "I'm in here!" Mother called from her room. "Come in here, I want to talk to you." As I entered her bedroom I saw her lying in bed under the sheets except for her face and head....she looked like she had been crying. At first I thought that someone else had died and I became very anxious. "What's wrong, Mom?" I asked. She pulled her hand out from under the covers and she was holding a gold lipstick case. I immediately recognized it as one I had taken from my cousin's house one day when we were visiting. "Can you tell me where this came from?" she said holding up the tube for me to see clearly. I was paralyzed with fear and shame. "Answer me....I want to know exactly what has been going on." I remember wondering how much she knew of my activities. I decided to be honest, but not offer any new information she might not already have. "I took it from Kara's bathroom when we were there last week," I said with bowed head. "Kara....your godmother.....she's family. You would steal from family?" she asked. "I know it was wrong...I'm sorry....I promise I won't do anything like that again," I pleaded. "What was it doing in your sock drawer? Why did you take it.....have you worn it? With the barrage of questions she threw at me I didn't know what to answer. She began to sob and she put her hands over her face. I walked a little closer to her and tried to comfort her by touching her arm. She looked up... "I can't believe my son is a thief....and I don't believe for a second that you just keep it for no reason. I know you have worn it......your lips always look like they have been scrubbed when I get home from bridge...you are wearing it." I hung my head in shame...unable to deny her accusations. "Have you worn it when you're with anyone else?" I could tell she was worried that others knew of her son's perversion. "No, only by myself....to see what it was like," I said trying to give myself some explanation as well as get her off my back. "I don't buy that for a second," she said getting out of bed. Suddenly the broken hearted victim that she played so well was transformed into the terror you don't want to mess with. "We are going to Kara's right now and you will return her lipstick and confess your thievery. Do you understand? I am so embarrassed. Maybe this will teach you a lesson." I panicked. Kara was my dad's niece and a sweet 29 year old with a husband and a four year old son of her own. She was also my godmother and I had always felt a bond with her. Her mother had been a sweet woman, but we had not visited her much nor she us. She and mother didn't get along so well....so I didn't know her that well. When she died mother didn't go to the funeral. I remember a picture Kara had of her mother when she was young. In that picture she looked just like Isabella Rossellini.... as does Kara. I was so afraid I don't remember much of what happened after mother got out of bed until I found myself standing next to her at Kara's door. Kara opened the door. "Rene' (my mother) and Jamie....what brings you this way?" Kara asked. "Well, Kara.....Jamie here has something to tell you....right Jamie?" I nodded. "Come in and let's sit down," Said Kara, leading us to her den. "Go ahead Jamie....tell her." I couldn't look Kara in the eye as I confessed my sin. "Kara, I stole this lipstick from your room when we were here last. I am so sorry...you have always been so kind and generous with me I am ashamed to have stolen from you," I began to cry. Kara sat in shock. I was average looking and normal in size for a boy my age and I don't think Kara knew what was going on. "Kara...," Said mother...."Kara I do believe he has been wearing this lipstick and who knows what else, so you might want to throw it out. I will buy you another and take it out of his allowance. Can you imagine....a teenage boy wearing lipstick.....I don't know what's wrong with him." Kara clearly empathized with my distress and spoke with some authority. "Rene', I don't think it is the end of the world....Jamie is a good boy....he just made a mistake...we all make mistakes, right Jamie?" I nodded thankful that someone was coming to my aid. Mother excused herself and went to the powder room. While she was gone Kara looked at me with kindness and said that when mother returned I should agree with everything she or mother said. "Just be agreeable, I promise I will help you through this." When mom came back into the den, Kara stepped up and said. "Rene', I think you and Jamie need a break. I was talking to Jamie and he agrees," Mother looked to me and I just nodded. "You are both upset over this....matter.... and I feel like a few days apart will allow you both to get back to normal so you can move on from this. Why don't you let Jamie stay over with John and I and little Johnnie for the weekend. Maybe John will take him to a ballgame or something. I can return him to your house Sunday evening. What do you think?" Kara said looking to mother for acceptance of the idea. "If you want him you can have him. Call me later!" Mom got up and walked right out the door without saying anything else. Kara and I just sat there looking at each other in wonderment. Finally Kara spoke up. "Don't worry Jamie, your mother is just high strung...she'll cool down," Kara said reassuringly. I was thinking to myself that my mother had become more and more high strung in recent months and I wasn't so sure that things were going to be alright. "Did you mean it about John (Kara's husband) taking me to a game?" I asked. "Sorry, Jamie....I fibbed. John and little Johnnie left this morning for Natchez. They went to see his folks. I didn't want to make the trip with this," she said pointing to the cast over her ankle. "Since they put a walking cast on me I have been getting around, but 3 hours in a car without being able to elevate my foot would be torture. If I don't elevate it regularly it begins to throb...so I decided to let the boys have some time with John's parents without my dragging behind. They will be gone until late Sunday night. Looks like it's just me and you, kiddo! How about I order some pizza and we watch a movie. We can talk while we eat and if you need to get anything off your chest, we can skip the movie and just talk. I love Kara and I wanted to put my arms around her neck and kiss her. I wished my mother was more like Kara. I nodded agreement with the pizza and Kara ordered a vegetarian....'you'll like it Jamie....it is much better than it sounds'. As it turned out I did and we stuffed ourselves while we talked and laughed. "Jamie, remember when I used to Babysit you.....we used to play little games. I remember how much you liked the time I dressed you up like Raggedy Andy and I dressed like Raggedy Anne and I took you trick or treating. I don't know who enjoyed it more, you or me," And she laughed. Her laugh was like drink to a thirsty man. I began to feel less ashamed of the recent revelations and more in the moment. "Want to play dress up again?" she asked looking at me a little strangely. "Aw thanks Kara, but I'm getting a little old for dressing up and it's not even Halloween or anything," I replied awkwardly. "I was thinking of something just between you and me. You know....she paused......a little makeover so that you can see what you look like as a girl.....again she paused.....John has a cousin who dresses like a girl," I sat stunned.....there was someone else like me? If I wasn't the only one maybe I wasn't so sick after all. "A boy who dresses like a girl?" I asked. "Yes....everyone knows. By the time he was 14 everyone knew he was going to be gay. He loved to play with girls and girls toys and was always carrying a doll. His father tried to stop it when he was around 9 years old, but he was not deterred. It wasn't a choice...he was just who he was. Anyway, no one talked about it as long as he didn't go over the top. When he was 16 he was invited to a masquerade party by a neighbor girl he was friends with. Everyone was excited that he had a 'date'. The girl whose name is Geraldine (but prefers to be called Gerry) was a good student and well liked and thought of in town. Anyway, she was a year older than Timmy (that was what we called him then) and she kind of bossed him around from the time they were 7 and 6 respectively. It was good natured you understand...not bullying or anything like that....but she was the one who gave him his first doll...an old Barbie with a broken leg she tried to fix with scotch tape. In their friendship she made all the decisions...from what games they would play and what TV programs they would watch to what color clothes she might want him to wear. As I said, everyone knew he was effeminate so no one was surprised at some of the things Gerry put him through. Anyone with eyes could see he would never be anything but feminine looking and acting, but I guess some in the family had not given up hope," I sat in wonder at the story that Kara was telling. I had no idea there was someone out there who lived my fantasy. I had spent many a night praying that I would wake up a girl. From age 12 to the present I've dreamt of ways that I am allowed to be my feminine self....completely....that even includes me having a disease which robs me of my privates.....now that says something about how badly I wanted it. "What happened to Timmy and Gerry?" I asked. "Imagine everyone's surprise when Timmy showed up dressed like he was going to prom...as a girl. Gerry had dressed him in a fancy pink dress her mother bought for her to wear to a formal dinner at their country club. She said it was the only time she had worn it, preferring slacks or jeans. His long blond hair was done in an up do with fancy combs strategically placed and he was wearing full makeup with dangling earrings, bracelets and necklace. He was adorable. I remember thinking he looked more content than any of the times I had seen him.....and was genuinely proud of how he looked. I can understand....as I said he was absolutely adorable. His lips were Pink as were his fingernails and as I looked at his slender fingers I saw he was wearing a cute little ring with a heart on it. When I commented on it he said it was a gift from Gerry. Well, in spite of what we all suspected, seeing Timmy all dressed up like that, everyone was kind of in shock. His dad left right away and his mother made herself busy in the kitchen. That left John, his sister and Gerry, Timmy and I. To John's credit he didn't react negatively at all. He later told me that it was none of his business what Timmy wore and that it was his right to do what he wanted. That's why I love my John....and I hope our little Johnnie grows up just like him," I had listened to this story with baited breath....I could feel myself getting aroused and became fearful of embarrassing myself and my dearest godmother, Kara. I was also wondering where the story was leading. "So you see you wouldn't be the first boy I've seen dressed like a girl! Want to try it....just for fun. Then you can see how you look....at least it will satisfy your curiosity," Kara spoke softly and gently, careful not to frighten me. "I don't know, Kara.....I would be embarrassed.....I am ashamed to have you see me like that," I knew it was exactly what I wanted, but I was truly embarrassed. "Do it for me, sweetie! Ever since I saw Timmy that time, I've wanted to see if I could make a boy look that girly....just for fun of course." I didn't know if she meant it or if she was trying to make it easy for me, but as I said, I knew I wanted it. "I guess you could put some stuff on me," I said softly...almost whispering. "Oh good!" Said Kara as she clapped her hands. We can have a slumber party and be silly...I'm so glad you're here. Do you have a girl's name you want to use?" she asked. "No, I never thought about it," I replied honestly. "Well, Jamie can be a girl's name, but for tonight why don't you become Heather. That's the name we would have given little Johnnie had he been born a girl. I will help you to not be embarrassed if you can pretend that you are a real girl....you know....someone else....just pretend for the night. Would you mind being Heather for me this weekend?" There was no way I could refuse....not that I wanted to. Kara put away our pizza and cleaned the table while I rinsed the glasses and the dishes we used. I was on cloud nine. I had finally gotten past my embarrassment and was enjoying being with someone who knew of at least some of my secret desires and accepted it. Here I was doing typical female chores with my beautiful cousin and she was calling me Heather and speculating on what makeup colors would look good on me. For the first time in my life that I could remember I was not afraid of the person I was inside. When we finished clearing up the kitchen, Kara turned to me and said...."Okay Heather, since we are not going anywhere tonight and are just playing why don't I give you a makeover similar to the one Gerry gave Timmy? You up for it?" From the moment she said Heather she had me and I was open to anything. Her references to Timmy made me a little uncomfortable...I didn't think I was gay......I just longed to look like a girl and be able to act as such without cruel judgment being heaped upon me. "I'm ready!" was all I said. "First thing I want you to do is take a shower and wash your hair....if you are going to wear makeup, you need nice clothes and you must be clean," Said Kara. "But Kara, mom didn't bring me any clothes....all I have are the ones I wore here and they are dirty and old," I said wondering what we would do. "I'm going to wash your clothes and dry them. When you need them again, they will be ready. For now I am sure I have something's that will fit you. We're about the same height (5'6") and how much do you weigh?" she asked. "A hundred and twenty five," I answered. "Hmmm! My clothes may be a bit large...I weigh a hundred and thirty six....of course I've had a baby and all." "Kara, you are the most beautiful lady I know. Any girl would love to be so beautiful," I said meaning every word. "Thank you, sweetie. You are the young charmer, aren't you? I am sure I can find something while you're in the shower. Go ahead and start the water....I'll be there in a minute to check that you have everything you need." I went into the bath and turned the water on waiting for it to heat up and sat on the commode waiting for Kara. When she came into the bathroom she checked the water and announced it was perfect and turned on the shower and closed the shower door. "Why aren't you undressed, Heather. Aren't you going to shower?" "Yes....I was waiting until you went out of the room," I pleaded. "You don't have anything I haven't seen before...now take off your clothes. Let me open this door to the towel closet and you can stand behind it and put a towel on.......okay, come out....I can't wait forever," I slowly came round the opened door with only a towel around my waist...feeling a bit timid. "Heather, I guess I'm going to have to show you how to wear a towel....your breasts are exposed like that," I was feeling lightheaded again and I was hoping the towel would protect my growing excitement from view. I instinctively put my arms over my flabby boy breasts and Kara giggled and smiled. Kara inspected my legs, arms and under arms and announced that I was lucky that my body hair had not come in yet. I did have some fuzz on my legs and a little under my arms, but truthfully it was so light you had to get up close to see it. "Okay, Heather. Be sure to wash your hair with shampoo and then use my conditioner. The body wash is mine and I suggest you use it. The soap in the dish is Johns and it is a bit harsh on the skin and smells like musk....use the body wash...you'll love the Lavender scent. I'll leave a dressing gown on the back of the door for you. When you are finished in the shower....pat yourself dry then put on some of this body powder I am leaving on the counter. Just use the powder puff to dust it onto yourself....everywhere. Its scent will blend well with the Lavender. Then put on the robe and come into my bedroom where I will be waiting. Be sure to put a towel around your damp hair so that you don't drip everywhere......Oh, and there is a new Lady Schick razor in there if you decide to remove the peach fuzz....just go slow so you don't cut yourself." I took my shower and washed and conditioned my hair as instructed. As I stood rinsing off, I looked at Kara's razor and even picked it up. I didn't remove the plastic cover that protected the blades, but I drew it across my legs like I was shaving the almost nonexistent peach fuzz there. I got out of the shower and dried myself with the fluffy towel and then took the powder puff and dipped it in the powder. I didn't know exactly how to do it, but I managed to make my skin feel smooth and fragrant. I took the fluffy towel and wrapped it around my chest, tucking it in so that it hung to about mid thigh. I took a smaller towel off the rack and wrapped it around my hair and head and walked into Kara's room. She looked up, saw me and smiled. "You forgot the robe...but I see you figured out how to wear your towel," she laughed. "Here let me fix your head," And she redid the towel over my head until it looked like a turban. Now, go back in there and replace the towel with the robe....wait, take these panties and put them on while you are in there," And she handed me a pair of silky feeling pink panties. I went into the bathroom and changed the robe for the towel and put on the panties. When I had the short satin robe on I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. My smooth legs seemed longer coming down from the robe which reached to just below my panties. The towel on my head seemed symbolic of the transformation about to begin. I looked a lot like a young girl and I loved it. The usual excitement began to brew and I was glad I had the panties on. I reached down and tucked myself back as best I could in hopes that I wouldn't embarrass myself and Kara. When I reentered the bedroom Kara was waiting. She had laid out on the bed a pink bra, tan stockings and a smallish seeming dress that reflected the light....it's light green color seemed to sparkle. "First I guess we need to get you in your bra. This is one of my old ones....actually it hasn't been used that much. I bought it right before I found out I was pregnant. I was rather small breasted at the time and often wore them padded like this one. After my hormones kicked in my breasts filled with milk and these old bras will never fit me again (I couldn't tell if she was glad or sad about the change in her breasts). I was barely over an A cup in those days.....John used to say more than a handful was a waste, but he doesn't seem to mind that they are larger now." Kara didn't ask me if I knew how it went on.... she just put it on me explaining how as she went. I had done it wrong when I had tried wearing mothers and it was easier the way Kara showed me. When she had it in place she tugged some of my childish chest flab up into the cups and amazingly it looked like I had small boobs. I must have swooned or something, because the next thing I knew I was sitting at Kara's vanity and she was asking me if I was alright. "I'm fine, Kara....it's just that I have wanted to be able to do this forever, and now that it's happening I am overwhelmed." "Just relax, Heather...I'll take good care of you....if you want to stop at any time just say so. After all we are just pretending and we're doing it for you.....even though I am having so much fun," she added laughing. The first thing she did was to blow dry my hair. "You really have silky fine hair, Heather. I hope I can get it to stay up in the hairdo I want you to have. I mean we are pretending its prom night, right?" I nodded. "Tell you what. Let me put a few hot rollers in your hair to give it some body...that will help hold it in place," The next thing I knew I was wearing a head full of rollers. I had fantasized about having my hair up like that many times while looking in catalogs and magazines that showed models backstage at Style shows having their hair and makeup done. I never thought I might have a similar experience. When she finished rolling my hair she told me it was time for makeup...'better to put it on before dressing to avoid getting makeup on my clothes'. She put a towel under my neck and over the top of the robe and then started applying everything I had hoped to wear....all together. First she spread foundation with a sponge to even out my complexion...'you have beautiful skin without makeup, but since you are going to prom you probably want to look extra polished so I will blend this in here like this...' she talked and explained as she worked. 'Now some powder to set the base. We'll let that sit for a minute...your eyebrows are nice as is. Have you been plucking?' she asked looking at me suspiciously. "No really, I haven't ever tried it even.....that's just how they are naturally," I asserted. "Well then you are a very lucky girl....I know woman who pluck and wax and go through all kinds of things to try and have brows like you," I was proud and thankful Kara thought I had such nice eyebrows. She took out something called concealer, but decided I didn't need any. She used an eyelash curler to turn up my upper lashes and make them seem longer....'before I add mascara I always do my eyeliner. I find it is easier this way.' She drew what I thought was a rather dramatic line across my lash line extending past the outer corner with a little up turn at the end. When that dried she took a small little brush with foam on the end and smudged the eyeliner a little.....making it larger at the outer corner. She did the same with the other eye and then added two coats of mascara to my upper lashes and one to my lower lashes. She stepped back and allowed me to see myself in the mirror. My eyes seemed so much larger and it made me look older. I couldn't stop smiling as I looked up to see Kara smiling at me in the mirror. "Okay, princess, let's finish with some blush and some eye shadow"....Which she deftly accomplished rather quickly. Now, we will get you dressed before we add jewelry, shoes and lipstick." I stood up and felt like I was floating...literally. I felt like I was light as a feather.....appropriate for a girl named Heather. Kara handed me a short very light pink slip. I took it and slipped it over my head and when it fluttered down around my body I could feel every nerve ending in my body dancing for joy. Next I sat and pulled on the Suntan Thigh High stockings....this was one task that I had practiced before and I did it with such aplomb that Kara raised an eyebrow and giggled. I tugged on the stocking to make sure the elastic band at the top was tight enough to hold them up. It was. "Stand up, sweetie and let's get your dress on. Your prom date will be here in just a little bit," Kara was clearly enjoying the pretend game, but I was trying to make it real. I never thought about boys sexually or even dating them...(I was one for heaven's sake), but pretending to be getting ready and wanting to look pretty for my date somehow made the whole fantasy more realistic. Kara held the green cocktail dress for me to step into. Wow.....stimulus overload!!! As she held it, it looked really tiny and fragile. The fabric shimmered, creating a festive mood about it. As she pulled it up and snapped the top in back I felt like I was wearing a glove over my body. It felt warm to me, but it was probably my own body heat....heaven knows I was hot....in every sense of the word. "Okay! And that does it!" Said Kara as she zipped the final small open area in back of the dress up to the snap. I was now imprisoned......and I was beyond excited...I was ecstatic. I never knew something could make me feel so alive. "Now let me see if I have some heels you can wear. What size shoe do you wear?" she asked. "A size six in my everyday school shoes," I said. "It might be a narrow or something like that mom says...I never look...I just wear them." I wear a 7 narrow...let's try on this pair she said handing me a pair of green pumps with a 2 1/2" heel. I took them from her and sat and put them on. They fit fine and they matched the dress, but I was hoping for something more my age with higher heels maybe. She saw my look and said...'These are the shoes I wore with the dress. I had them dyed to match....but looking at you wearing them....well they look a little old for you. Let me see what else I have that might work," she dug around in her shoes for a minute then pulled out a pair of silver stilettos. "These might work with that dress, but the heels are pretty high...they are 3 ?" heels but there is a small platform at the toe so the angle of the foot isn't too bad," she held them out to me. "You want to try them?" she asked. I didn't need to be asked twice or coerced or anything. I anxiously grabbed the shoes and sat and removed the green pumps. I slipped the silver delicacy over my foot and felt it seat when my heel popped into the shoe. A good fit, maybe a little snug, but I wasn't going to complain. "They may be a little tight... I only wore them once for an anniversary supper and I never broke them in," she said unsure if I wanted to wear them. "I love them!" I said as my second foot slipped into the heels. "They fit perfectly," I stood in the heels, a little wobbly but comfortably. "Do they go with this dress?" I asked facing Kara with arms by my side. "Oh yes! They look amazing with that dress. I have a matching little silver sequined purse you can bring to the prom," she reached in the back of her closet and pulled out an elegant silver sequined clutch bag. I was hoping that the excitement I had been experiencing since dropping the slip over my head would not betray me and tent out my lovely cocktail dress. "Put your purse down and sit and let me remove these curlers," I did as I was told and in a matter of minutes my head was full of large curls that created volume to my hair like I had never seen. "Put your head down, sweetie and let me brush it all forward like this," I was hoping that she wasn't going to brush out all the curls...but I didn't say anything. "Okay, sit up. I'm gathering it all up here at the crown and wait a second (she reached with one hand and opened a drawer as she held the hair with the other) yes! That will work!" she said pinning a tiara at the top and putting some Bobbie pins in the back of the mountain of hair. She adjusted it, put a couple more Bobbie pins and then sprayed it lightly with hairspray. "I seldom use hair spray, but I keep this bottle around for special occasions. It is all natural and won't dry out your hair. You can brush out most of it when you take off your makeup and after your next shower it will all be gone," she said (not knowing that I wouldn't have cared if it never came out and I was stuck having to wear my hair like this). Finally, she walked me over to a full length mirror on the inside of her closet door. When she opened it just so, I could see myself from the front in that mirror and about three quarters of myself in her vanity mirror....at the same time, but from different angles. I was so pleased I started to tear up. Kara saw my plight and said that I should cheer up...'your date will be here any minute'. We both giggled which turned into laughter. I just couldn't believe I was living my dream.....at least for a little while. With my hair beautifully piled on my head, Kara put a thin silver chain around my neck....there was a locket which rested above my bosom where the low cut neck of the dress was kind of layered accenting my small boobs.. "Hold on!" Said Kara and she walked over to her dresser and began digging in the bottom drawer. "I used to have......I'm sure I didn't throw them away..." I wondered what she was looking so hard for. "Here they are!" she turned and faced me holding two little pouches. She came over to me and said she had used these little helpers before her breasts grew. She pulled the neckline back gently and slipped one into my bra cups on each side. She straightened out the dress and then fondled each breast in an attempt to seat them properly. Satisfied that they looked good....she looked up at my face. She couldn't have possibly known what I was thinking or she would have thrown me out. I couldn't help it. Standing there in complete feminine garb with my beautiful cousin squeezing my 'titties' had my mind imagining all kinds of things and I was so hard that I was afraid if I sat I would snap that appendage that is so important to me. "Next time we should put those in before you put on your dress," she said. I think she said next time....I couldn't concentrate and decided to just go with the flow and act like the girl I wished I was. Kara added some clip on earrings which were silver and with the Tiara, necklace and bracelets.... my silver shoes and purse pulled it all together. "We went into the front room and Kara took pictures with her digital camera. "Do you have a private email account?" she asked and I told her I did. "I can send two or three of the best pictures to you and then you can keep them as a souvenir of your prom," she smiled. "But...You have to promise to make sure your mother doesn't see them. She wouldn't understand and I don't need her for an enemy," I didn't respond, but I knew exactly what she was thinking. After I modeled the dress and Kara took dozens of pictures, she said that she had a secret that she would only tell me if I promised never to tell a soul. Of course I agreed and was caught by surprise when she went over to a kitchen cabinet and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "I used to smoke in my teens and early twenties, but I quit when I got pregnant. I started back a year ago....but I only do it when John and Johnnie or not here. I know I shouldn't, but it is a little luxury I do enjoy sometimes when I'm alone. Promise you won't say anything to John...promise," I promised. "Let's go out to the patio...I never smoke in the house." As we walked through the house the sound of heels clicking on the floor and the rubbing of my stocking clad thighs was giving me Goosebumps....really, you could see them on my thin arms. As we sat on the patio Kara took a cigarette from the pack and then as an afterthought offered me one. "I used to be a teenage girl, too you know. I'll bet you've experimented," she looked to me. "These are extra lights and are not strong if you want to try one," I took one and thanked her. She lit mine first and then hers. I sat back and exhaled the smoke. This afternoon my world was crashing and I couldn't imagine anything in life to live for. Now I was sitting on the patio with Kara, dressed for an evening out on the town with my heels and purse and smoking a cigarette like a young woman instead of an old boring teen boy. Kara kept a constant conversation going all evening. She reminded me to put a tampon in my purse...'just in case' she giggled as she said it. She acted as though it were the most normal thing in the world. My pretend date stood me up and Kara put on some music so we could dance."You are so pretty you just have to feel what it is like to twirl around in your dress and heels," We danced and even shared some wine and another cigarette before cleaning up and dressing for bed. Kara loaned me a nightie and I slipped into bed in their guest bedroom. I was so hard I couldn't sleep so after the lights were out for a little while, I slipped out from the sheets and went to the guest bathroom and relieved myself....it was momentous. I hoped that Kara hadn't heard me moaning in delight, but figured she would understand if she did. The next morning, I showered and Kara gave me another bra and panty set. She had laid out a short casual skirt that came to mid thigh and a soft short sleeved sweater top. I dressed and put on the ballet flats she had provided. I did my best to apply some basic makeup and did okay because Kara said I had a good eye and an artist's touch. I brushed out my hair and let it hang smoothly down the sides of my cheeks (unlike the ponytail I usually wore at home). Kara said I looked like a model. We had breakfast and Kara was washing dishes when the doorbell rang. "Would you be a dear and get that for me, Heather? I'm expecting fed-ex this morning....it's probably them." I hesitated then looked at myself in the living room mirror. I was as passable as it gets. 'Why not?' I thought to myself and I wriggled over to the door. I opened without looking through the peephole and when I had it fully opened I stood frozen. My mother was standing at the door holding a bunch of my clothes in her hands. "I came to bring you a change of clothes....but I see you found something to wear. I was afraid I had been presumptuous yesterday and was ready to give you the benefit of the doubt, but I see now I was right. Why do you insist on making my life a living hell?" With that mother brushed past me and walked into the living room as Kara came in from the kitchen with a dishrag still in her hand. Mother sat in a chair laying my clothes beside her. "Sit down girls. Let's see what you have been up to. My you make a pretty young girl, James!" she said James with a sarcastic tone (she never called me James...it was always Jamie). So Kara, what do you think of my little sissy boy, here?"Mother said pointing in my direction. Did you girls go out last night....Kara I hope you didn't flirt like I'm sure James did....you are a married woman." Before she could say another word Kara stepped in. "Actually we stayed in last night, Rene'....We had pizza and danced to some music and talked about all kinds of things." "I'll bet you really did talk about all kinds of things....boys and dating and makeup and nail polish," she turned to Kara. "You should not have let yourself go like this after the baby was born, Kara. If you want John to stay interested you'd better get back in shape," I looked at Kara's size 6 figure and thought how mother would kill to be a size 8 again. Kara was boiling, but she kept her cool. "Oh! And by the way the name is Heather." "You changed your name from Kara to Heather? I don't believe you....," mother paused and then looked at me. "You?" she asked. I held my chin up and nodded my head. "Yes, I can see it....Heather...hmmmmm! I'll have to think about that," Mother said smiling. I put on a brave face, but my insides were knotted like windblown hair with too much hairspray. Addressing me mother continued."I had no idea you would look so......authentic. You really do look like a girl. Too bad you're just a sissy and will never be a real girl." Mother's words stung and I wanted to strike back, but I guess I was afraid she was right....about me being a sissy I mean. I just sat there quietly with my legs crossed at the knees and my skirt taught forming a very feminine position. One shoe on the ground and one dangling and pointed downward....in the flats I remember thinking it looked like a real ballerina's foot. Kara spoke up next. "Rene'....I'm sure that this is very traumatic for you, but think for a minute.....this is very traumatic for Heather as well." "Don't call him Heather....his name is James.....Jamie if you must. And you don't have any idea how I feel....he's my son not yours. My God Jamie....is that perfume I smell on you. What is that?" and mom looked to Kara. "It's Chanel, Rene'. I sprayed it on him." Mother just leered at us both. "If you were ready to come home I was going to take you out to eat lunch at the mall and maybe get you that new computer game you want....maybe we can still go....although you probably don't want to buy that violent game you were looking at.....maybe you could get a makeover game. I saw some advertised in last month's Glamour," Mother looked at us both with contempt. We could shop for some dresses for you while we are at the mall. Maybe William (a friend of mine) will be there and offer to hold your hand. We better put some polish on those nails. My goodness, girls, weren't you thinking," she laughed. It reminded me of a witches laugh. Mother went on taunting me for what seemed like hours, but was probably thirty more minutes with Kara intervening with some hope of reasoning with mother. But mother was relentless. "I've seen boys like you Heather (she exaggerated her pronunciation of Heather)....I've seen them on TV. There was an article in Vogue awhile back that talked about all the boy models who model women's fashions. They had pictures....some were very feminine....I couldn't tell the difference, really. Have you seen them Kara?" she asked turning to Kara. Kara was caught off guard by mother's sudden change of tone. "Uh, yeah...I think I saw something on Hollywood Tonight or something," she stammered. Mother turned to me...."Of course you aren't model material. Cute..yes, feminine...yes! But it takes a whole lot more to model women's clothes than you've got in you....trust me." Mother picked up my clothes and stood up. "Enough of this crap.....You little pansy (indicating me) and you....you...you Judas you (indicating Kara). You think I believe this is funny? Let me tell you...I do not. As far as I am concerned you and I don't know one another," And she stared at Kara. With those words, mother dropped my clothes and turned and walked back out to her car. She rolled down the window as Kara went to the door. "I am disappointed in you Kara....encouraging him like this. Get him cleaned up and changed....I am going for coffee and I'll be back to pick him up in an hour....HIM! Understand!" and with that she drove off. Kara apologized to me and I comforted her saying that it had been the greatest experience of my life and worth anything my mom could dish out. I cleaned off the makeup and changed to my own clothes and picked up the clothing Kara had washed and folded for me. We sat and waited for mother. Kara told me that I could call her anytime and that I should not worry...'everything finds its own way'...she said. Mom picked me up and not a word was spoken all the way home. When we got home she scolded me and I was grounded for a month (which only lasted two weeks). Soon my mother was in her usual routine playing bridge, shopping and being the socialite she imagined herself. I was barely an afterthought and pretty much took care of myself until I graduated high school. I did manage to acquire a few things during that time (a nightie and 2 different lipsticks). The nightie was easy because I told the saleslady it was a present for my girlfriend....I wanted to buy a bra and panty set, but was just too afraid of being embarrassed. It was a feeble selection of things I had, but I had to make do at that time. If mother went out of town to play bridge (which she did occasionally) I would spray some of her perfume into the air and walk through it in my nightie. Having a fragrant scent follow me around creates a very feminine feeling that I adore. I was afraid if I touched mother's things she would know so I had very few opportunities to add to my collection of feminine things. A lot of my time was spent fantasizing....after a while I could get myself feeling as though I was a real girl....even in boy clothes. I longed for dresses and heels and a full makeover, but all that would have to wait. 'All things in their own time'. As I said I made do. I also started on testosterone blockers in November of my junior year that I found on the internet (unbeknownst to mother). I know it was a bad idea, but I did do research on side effects and stuff and was conscious of any changes in myself. A that point I still hadn't begun to really show signs of manhood (except for my 4 ?' toy). By the time I turned eighteen and graduated high school, if I dressed the part I still could pass for a 15 year old boy or with a little help, a 16 year old girl. I moved out of my mother's house right away and Kara put me up for two weeks while John was in Saudi on assignment for the oil company he works for. Little Johnnie was old enough to be confused if I dressed as a female, so I limited it to a few times when he was in school. I had been taking the testosterone blockers for a year and a half and I was 5'7" and 133lbs. My chubby boy breasts were still around and seemed to have grown on their own. It could be my imagination, but the old bras that Kara saved for me fit alright without the little helpers now. I had money that I had saved and my dad left me a trust fund that I could start accessing when I reached 18....so I could manage financially on my own. Kara gave me a bunch of her old clothes that she didn't want and helped me shop for cosmetics and jewelry, lingerie and other stuff one afternoon when Johnnie was in school and while I was dressed (the thrill of passing for the first time in public is still one of the highpoints of my self discovery). The rush of shopping as a female that first time will always be like yesterday in my memory. I have been living a double life for three years now. I have a job as a clerk in a Law office and am studying to be a Paralegal. My wardrobe is full of pretty clothes and lingerie. Shoes? Forget about it! Makeup still retains its allure to me and I can't wait to try on a new lipstick or Nail polish when I purchase one. Lately I have been considering coming out at work and going all the way with hormones and surgery, but I still do like my Willie and in spite of the blockers,...he always seems happy to see me. I still have hopes of meeting a woman who is attracted to a feminine guy.... but if I do go through with the operation I will see if I can find a woman who is attracted to a lipstick lesbian like me. I never tire of the feminine experience and everyday is a new and novel opportunity.... full of surprises and pleasures previously unforeseen. I can't wait to see what the future holds.