Musings
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Musings free porn video
MUSINGS
By Betty Noone
I was an adult before I was told that until I was 10 year old my parents
dressed me in hand-me-downs, because I was too pretty, and they feared
that I could be prey to a molester.
It was a joke in the family before I reached puberty that my father was
probably the milkman as I didn't resemble any of my parents nor my two
older siblings. I had fair skin, a pug nose and small chin.
It was summertime and I was eleven years old, playing with my boy
friends, outdoors. Some kind of a running game. A lady stopped me and
asked why I was wearing makeup. I didn't understand what she was talking
about. But my rosy cheeks and lips looked like I had make up on.
Puberty came late. Very late. Until my voiced changed to a deep
baritone when I was past 16 years of age, whenever I answered the phone I
was taken for my sister.
I never had any recollection of wanting to be a girl, or playing with
girly toys, or even having any girlfriends. I had a boy haircut, and
wore boy clothes. However, many times I was stopped by strangers who
asked if I was a boy or a girl. I always answered 'boy'.
One of the most embarrassing times in High School was in music class.
The boys are on one side and the girls are on the other, and we are
singing a song. The teacher stops us from singing, comes up to me, and
has me sit and sing with the girls as my voice is pure soprano. It
didn't make me popular with the rest of the kids. The boys didn't want
to associate with a guy who looked and sounded girly, and the girls had
interest in the boys, not a girly boy. But I didn't think of myself as a
girly boy...then.
I was sixteen before my first ejaculation. I'm not sure I knew what it
was at the time. Puberty came swiftly. Suddenly my features began to
change. While my skin color remained fair, my nose grew larger, my hands
and feet suddenly ballooned, and my body grew bigger. I was a good
looking young man, and no longer feminine looking. It seems that my voice
changed to a baritone overnight. It was such a good voice that I was
always selected to be EmCee at school auditorium functions. The last
year and a half of High School became better.
But all this had an effect on me. My masturbation fantasies were about
wearing girl's clothes and being taken for a girl. Naturally, I could
tell no-one about them. When talking with my friends I was always sure
to talk like they did, so they would not know.
After High School I enlisted in the Army. I wanted to be a man. They
advertise that they will make a man out of you. I didn't realize it at
the time, but my parents were glad that the Army accepted me, as they
were worried that I wasn't 'right'. But it never goes away, does it?
After two years, I want to the Padre and confessed my fantasies to him.
He referred me to the camp psychiatrist and within a month I was out of
the Army. They don't want such as me. At least not then.
There are two parts of me. Me and 'she'. After service I lived at home
with my parents. My older brother and sister were married and out of the
house. At every opportunity when my parents were out visiting friends, I
dressed in my mother's clothes, and masturbated. I don't know if my
mother ever found out, but if she did, she never said anything to me
about it.
I began seeing a psychiatrist. I was working at a good job, but his fees
cost me about 25% of what earned. I thought he would cure me. So did
he. But he didn't.
A wonderful girl and I fell in love with each other. We made plans to
get married. I did the correct thing. Before we married I confessed my
secret. By this time I was living in my own apartment but all I had was
one skirt that I stole from my mother when I moved. No makeup, no wig,
no shoes, nothing but one skirt. She wanted to see me 'dressed' and all
she saw was a young man wearing a skirt. We both thought that love would
conquer all. But it doesn't, does it?
After we were married, she knew that my desires did not go away. I began
to accumulate the necessary items to dress completely. On those days
when I needed to be 'she', my wife would leave the house and visit her
parents for the day. If she told her parents about me, they never let
on. I would pretend to be the 'housewife' for the day I was dressing by
myself. I made my meals, ironed, did the laundry, and washed the floors.
I was also happy.
But I didn't pass. My body is too big. My hands and feet are too big.
My face is no longer feminine as it was when I was pre-pubescent. My
facial hair had a five o;clock shadow now matter how closely I shaved. My
deep voice would never pass as a woman no matter how I tried to talk,
But inside my head, it was a different story. I wanted to be pretty,
even though I knew it would not happen in this lifetime.
The stories on the internet websites are all fantasies. We write stories
of accepting wives. They don't want a sister or a French maid instead of
their husband. 'She' is a rival for the affections of her husband. and
she resents 'her'. She doesn't even tell her best friend what is going
on in the house. She knows that is a secret that must not get out.
We write stories of wives who feminize their husbands. It is not true.
Why would a wife want to do that? They want to keep the man they
married. If (in the stories) they found a lover, there is divorce court,
not feminization. And how her friends, and (especially) her mother
happily go along with the feminization. Women who go to Salon's where
there is a feminine hairdresser, may be polite to him to his face, but
behind his back he is ridiculed. He is certainly doesn't become friends
with his female customers.
How they spank their sissy husbands. Whack! Whack! Whack! is a common
theme in feminization and domination stories. Men are bigger than women,
and even if they are not, they are stronger. No male can be spanked
unless he wants to be. But the stories tell otherwise.
There never seems to be a problem with money. In most households the
male is a substantial part of the household income. In many households
today, the wife is also a wage earner and it takes the combination of the
two salaries to run the household. So the executive who is turned into a
secretary doesn't make sense. But we fantasize.
And then there is humiliation. The wife (or girlfriend) goes out of her
way to publicly humiliate her now sissy husband. I suggest that if he
really was a sissy or feminized husband, he couldn't be humiliated. He
would be so happy in his role that he wouldn't care what other people
said of him.
What about chastity? Willingly or not, he is placed in chastity. He is
not allowed any orgasms for weeks, months or years at a time. This is
supposed to make him more willing to accept whatever his dominant is
dishing out. And he is milked by massaging his prostrate without any
ejaculation or enjoyment to him. When did his 'loving' wife become so
cruel? And since when does she prefer that he lick her to orgasm instead
of having penetrative sex? And what fun does she get from denying him
any ejaculation? Is there a man who if he really wants to cannot saw off
the chastity device? We love to fantasize.
Most every story tells how the feminized male is able to pass in society.
Except for those already in the know, he fools everyone. Look at the
pictures of tv's on those website that have them. First of all, none of
them look happy. They are not smiling. Then they look exactly like what
they are. Men dressed as French maids, (or whatever). They couldn't
pass on a moonless night at midnight. There is an exception and that is
she-males. Most of them not only could pass, but they are beautiful.
But is seems that all they do is suck. If a TV looked like that, he
would go over to the other side in a heartbeat.
So, here I am, a mature, married male, who not only enjoys wearing
women's clothes, but tries to play the part of a woman. but cannot ever
go out in public, because my mind and my body are in two separate places.
I am sure that it has affected my marriage, even though my wife and I are
close (as male and female) and it certainly has diverted my attention
from doing other things. "She' is always lurking in the shadows of my
brain. And at every opportunity she appears. With time the urges do not
lessen, but get stronger. To maintain the intensity of the masturbation
fantasies, one constantly changes the scenarios. Sometimes I think that
if I was a woman, I would be with another man. I have never done so in
real life, but would I? Could I? I don't know if I have the answer to
that question. Were I able to pass as a woman, as the stories suggest,
would I want to be a complete woman? Would I go for the operation or am
I content with masturbation? I don't know.
I sometimes fantasize how nice it would have been, had I really been a
girl. Girls seems to have so much more fun growing up. At least I think
they do. To be mommies' helper. To wear pretty clothes and play with
dolls.
I now have a complete wardrobe, wigs, makeup and from time to time have
the opportunity to pretend that I am someone that I can never become.
All I do know is that it never goes away. If there is such a thing as
reincarnation maybe in the next lifetime we will come back as females.
Kaylin
- 15.11.2021
- 18
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