A Change Of Life, Part 14 free porn video

A Change of Life (Part 14). By LaShaunda My sons/daughters and I went back into James's house and composed ourselves for a few minutes. We had an appointment with a therapist this afternoon who would analyze us and our development as black females, and basically give us some professional advice on where we should go from here. Deep down, I still felt like a man. However, I looked over at my boys, who were all made up as pretty black girls; and I realized that I may well be on the verge of having my sons disappear forever, to be totally subsumed in new identities as Tanisha and Ashanti. If there was ever any chance of salvaging my sons, this may be it. Without any time to change or anything, and still reeling a bit from our interaction with my ex-wife, we piled in the SUV and headed downtown. We all still wore our dresses with pantyhose and we all looked so pretty. I put my hand on Tanisha's hosed leg and said, "It'll all still be all'ight, honey child... you just tell the therapist exactly what you feel." "Ok momma." I felt bad because a part of me so wanted to bring back Ryan and Tommy, but we had come so far that we were stuck in this transitional phase and we were living as black women. And as long as I was here and all dolled up in dark-skinned drag, I was basically still "leading by example," and my boys were following suit. We entered a small downtown lobby and the receptionist told us to wait. I sat demurely in the waiting room as Ashanti and Tanisha were led back, and each stayed back there for about an hour. For the couple of hours that my daughters had their sessions, James just put his arm around me and held me in a definitely more subdued manner than what I was used to from him. It was as if he was just telling me that "everything was all- right." At those moments, I felt really secure with him. I felt implicitly so comfortable in my current role as LaShaunda. Finally, Tanisha came out of the therapist's office with a contented look on her face. She looked as if she had gotten the weight of the world off of her shoulders. "LaShaunda, I'm ready for you now," called the therapist. She was a pretty younger white girl with dark hair and glasses, and she just looked like a very comforting person. She shook my ebony hand with a very gentle grip, and she looked into my eyes with an implicit, non- judgemental understanding of who I was. Honestly, my first impression of her was that she was kind of a liberal, left-wing leaning person; and her office was filled with plants, colorful knickknacks, and many books on topics like "alternative sexuality, evolving gender roles, sub-dominant roles for men," and the like. I only had a few seconds though to glance at the surroundings before she began the conversation/interview. "I'm Miss Waterston," she said, in a light voice, "And you must be LaShaunda." "Yes indeed," I replied in a subdued voice. "Well, James has told me so much about you, as well as your daughters. I just want to say, first of all, that I think you are very brave and it has taken you a lot of courage to be where you are... It has to be so hard to change race as well as gender, and not many have done it before." She paused for a second, "I honestly feel like we can skip a lot of the introductions or much of the background of why you are here." "How did things go with the girls?" I asked. "I learned a lot of interesting things," she said, not divulging too much. "But anyway, I really want to get to know the deeper you, and just ask a few probing questions." "Ok, like what?" "Well, you used to be a man, of course, until recently, and a white man. You were also married." "I know," I sighed, with the memories of the recent spat still fresh in my head. "It was miserable though." "Let me ask," she said. "Would you say that you were the dominant one in the marriage, or the submissive one?" "Honestly, it was Christine that made most of the decisions. She was the main breadwinner, and she managed the checkbook. I was unemployed most of the time and raised the kids." "And sex?" "We had plenty of sex," I said a bit coyly. I was almost embarrassed to admit I had once been a man in a straight relationship with a woman !! "But if I may be so bold to ask, who initiated it?" "Well, honestly, it was mostly her. I mean, I always wanted sex, but if she gave me the cold shoulder, it wasn't happening !!" "And when she turned you down, what did you do." "I mostly just masturbated, you know... I thought about crossdressin', bein' a woman, wearin' tights and pretty outfits... that sort of thing." "I see." "So listen, let me ask; we are basically here today because my daughters and I are bein' so uncertain about our futures. We just don't know if we should go back to being white guys, or stay as bein' black women. I mean, it would obviously be such a huge change to be black women full time... School be' startin' soon, and my girls gots' to go back... "Well listen," said Miss Waterston, "there is plenty of time to make such a huge life decision, and there is no rush. Also, you are far from the first people who have yet to determine their gender, or if they will do something so radical like sex-assignment surgery. I can see though that all three of you are just at the crossroads right now. I would give it a little bit more time. You guys still have a month until the school semester starts." "I am jus' nervous though about my girls possibly going to school as black girls. I mean, it will be hard for them to even have to deal with things like boys, or even mean bullies findin' out their true gender." "Listen," said Miss Waterston, "I wasn't even going to say anything this early, but I talked to both of your girls for about an hour each, and I grilled them intensely on their interests, passions, and deepest desires. Even though they are genetically males, I think there is already a huge part of them that is female; for all intents and purposes, and their female traits are coming out. Their answers to everything I asked them puts them solidly on the culturally-female side of life. I honestly think both your sons may have Repressed-gender dysphoria. Also, many recent studies have shown that repressed-gender dysphoria may be hereditary; and honestly, if this is the true case for you three, then you should seriously consider perhaps a permanent transition. Of course, though, perhaps it is too soon to say for sure whether a lot of this is just a harsh adoption to unusual circumstances that you three were pressed into, rather than your own truly repressed characteristics." "Mmm," I replied. "Now, repressed-gender dysphoria, what is that?" "Basically, you three seem to all be more comfortable following the female roles in life. You three being males stops at having penises and testicles. Beside this, everything about your personality falls on the female side. I can only explain it in so many ways. If you three find a dominant individual to partner with for a romantic relationship, you will probably fall for them; regardless if they are male or female. Being given the opportunities to dress as a female edifes the role even more." 'Wow,' I realized to myself, 'she is speaking the exact truth about my own life. I was never really a man, but just a weak person who latched on to the newest caregiver. And my boys were following in my footsteps.' "I just don't know though if I can stand losing my sons," I said to Miss Waterston. "I feel like they's be on the verge of vanishin' fo'ever." I sobbed a tear. "I think if your sons stayed as men, they would wind up having unfulfilling lives and living as caregivers rather than as breadwinners. They would grow up to take care of children and manage a household, rather than go out and fight for jobs in the workplace." She continued, "You three also all pass perfectly each as black women, so there are no issues regarding a transition or your talents to successfully morph into your new lives. The fact that you can all so easily change and adapt female intonations in your voices is another sign of true repressed-gender-dysphoria." "Listen," I asked, "Everything you said makes so much sense. I think you are right about the true gender-dysphoria, and we are not just adapting to a harsh and unusual circumstance. What do you think we should do?" "Like I said, you should just take your time and make sure you make the right decision. I would just keep exploring your roles as black women though and perhaps see how much more you can develop yourselves as LaShaunda, Ashanti, and Tanisha. The more you completely truly know about your new lives, the better off you will be and the more comfortable you will be with what finally happens... Also, I'd think about maybe enrolling the girls in a new school, and if it doesn't work out you can withdraw before the winter semester and take them back to their old school as boys.... Also, just because you change doesn't mean that Ryan and Tommy "disappear." They can still have their old personalities underneath, but perhaps something even newer, better, and stronger emerges with two new black girls. Both Ashanti and Tanisha are so dynamic and they both have the potential to do something really special as black girls. I could see them having such strong roles as your daughters, with the best of your sons still being there... Also, Ryan and Tommy could still emerge occasionally to show their old selves, but they'd be black females to the world. "Oh my god," I said, just taking it all in. "That sounds so right." "You three just need to sleep on it and make the right decision. We will talk much more in the weeks to come so there is no rush." "I hate to rush to a judgment, but I feel so much better now." I was having visions of Ashanti and Tanisha living as dominant and strong black girls; being healthy wives to their husbands and generally being very content. They would learn all they needed to know about birthing and raising a large black family; and living culturally as black women in every aspect. And the best thing was that Ryan and Tommy could still "be there" underneath, even if they were physically manifested as black women. Perhaps, even in private, we could still have the old father-sons conversations when Ryan, Tommy, and Dave would reemerge and bullshit about the "good old days," even though we were all of course physically black women; with large boobs, child-bearin' hips, and swaggishly feminine ways. At times though, we could just sit around, drink beer, bring our old male voices back, and even talk about baseball and which actresses we thought were the hottest. For the most part though, we'd be loyal to our hunky husbands and of course totally be black woman in public. I then voiced much of this sentiment to Miss Waterston. "That sounds like it would be an absolutely healthy life," she said. "And of course, there is no reason why you'd have to go 'all the way' with full sex-change surgery. As long as James is happy with the things you wear like full-bottom padded girdles, and a false vagina, that is fine too. It is all about what you are happy with and what you and James are comfortable with." I had tears almost welling up in my eyes. I felt like I was completely on the verge of the biggest decision of my life. I stood up and earnestly shook her hand. On the car ride home, both Tanisha and Ashanti spoke volumes about the amazing conversation they had had with Miss Waterston. They told all about how free they had felt to talk about how they loved things like wearing tights, dancing ballet, and boys, of course. They both talked about just how comfortable they had felt with her. I felt really glad that my daughters had been able to open up. Honestly, I could never have imagined that we'd be able to have an experience like this and truly open up about our deepest feelings. Prior to meeting James, I had been stuck in such a pigeonholed role for life; a role that called for male demands that my own submissive constitution could not fulfill. Ryan and Tommy would have followed the oft-tread path toward the typical male future of baseball, perhaps college, and then a job of tedium. In a way, I felt so glad that both boys/girls could be given the chance at a life that was perhaps so different than what was initially pegged for them, by default by society. I thought it was both crazy and good at the same time that the opportunity was here for them to pursue a life as girls and women; wearing pretty clothes, possibly having husbands, and doing everything in society that women do. If their personalities were female on the inside, then this may be so naturally ideal for them, and they would not "miss" being boys as they would slide so naturally into feminine roles. I looked into the back seat, and Tanisha and Ashanti were so cute sitting there, in their cute little dresses with tights. They looked so cute with their matching dark legs still visible underneath their sheer knit hosiery. They both had such hot and buddingly-attractive black female faces; with big lips, big white eyes, and big white teeth. Their skin was so glossy, shiny, and ebony, and their nappy dark and frizzy hair was all done up in such cute styles. To all the world, they were black girls. I looked in the mirror, and I was similar. When we got home, James asked me what I had talked about with the therapist, and I divulged everything. James promised to give me every assistance and support in anything I decided, and he told me I did not have to make a decision right away, and I could take my time. He also agreed with the idea of letting "Ryan and Tommy" remerge in private with their father, and he would slowly let times for this develop... Also, fortunately, for the next few days, whenever we came and left the house, we did not see Christine and have to run the gauntlet past her and Edmond. As our house was in a large neighborhood; though, our home was huge and we had the side back door and garage we could come and go out of. So honestly, we could carry on with life and not interact with our neighbors. It kind of made going into the backyard awkward though, in case my ex-wife and her new husband came out. For the next week or so, though, we did not encounter my Christine, which was quite nice. For the next few days, James and I honestly had a few great make-out sessions, and we had really hot sex a few times. I loved trying to dress in new lingerie, and I even spiced things up one day for him when he came home from work by letting him "find" me on his bed, and I wore a leopard- print leotard and black tights. I looked at him seductively and cooed, and he practically tore the leotard off me and fucked me mercilessly through my fake vagina. I was loving spicing things up for him and introducing new stimuli for him. When we had sex, I made it clear that I was the submissive, female lover; and that he was absolutely the man. When I wore the leopard leotard and black tights, he fucked me almost as if he was raping me; and I was totally ok with this. I loved it as I wanted him to assert himself over me in this way and pound me violently. I wanted to be the demure, repressed woman. He came up and grabbed me under my chin and pulled me back as he made full thrusts into my fake pussy, which rubbed the underside of my own pussy. As he grabbed my ass, I moaned and screamed. All my old male inhibitions about this type of sex were gone !! As the dog days of summer, passed, though; most of my days were filled up with housekeeping, child-rearing, dressing pretty, and taking the girls to their hobbies like ballet class and chillin' with their friends. I got to host a sleepover for Tanisha, and her friends Aiesha and Shawquanda, and some of their other friends. I was totally falling into the role of the black house momma. I also had other things to do like make sure the girls wore their maxi- pads during their designated monthly periods. Besides this though, it was all pretty much "light-duty." I did have to answer a few awkward questions from the girls about boys, as this was not stuff they were genetically meant to learn naturally. I answered all the typically awkward teenaged-girl questions as best as I could though, and even imparted a bit of practical knowledge on how to keep a man happy. I honestly didn't see James that much except for nightly sex, as he was always working. Such was the life of this busy man. His clientele had picked up, and I missed him greatly during the day. This wasn't all bad though, as I had so much time to perfect my female duties, and learn how to do things like apply makeup, clean house, and select pretty outfits. LaKeesha would come over and we'd spend hours practicing taking makeup on and off in front of little mirrors, as this was a skill black women really needed to master. (LaKeesha, as the older male-to-female black woman who had been doing this longer, had really become the major mentor figure and older sista' to me). "It just be da' life of a successful middle-class black woman," said LaKeesha. "Yo husband gots to be at work, and you's just focus on being the wife and lookin' pretty." I accepted this as just "the way things are." I did work hard on my female image. I got so good at doing makeup, and choosing the right outfits that showed off my hot ass. It was so great having a helper with experience like LaKeesha guiding me and stopping me from making all of the mistakes that she had made. She had done this all before, so she really tightened me up on getting me presented as a perfect black woman, and in smoothing out all my rough edges. When I had had enough with "black girl practice," or I had down time, I'd watch things like movies with Angela Basset. I'd imagine I was the pretty black woman in the film getting deflowered by her strong black lover. I'd read every black magazine like "Essence." I could get my hands on. Other times, I'd drink a glass of wine, and just kick off my heels and relax. I'd go and try on all my pairs of tights and just marvel at how hot and shapely I looked in all my lingerie. Sometimes, too, when James wasn't around, I'd kick off and watch some baseball, and be my old male self again just for a couple of hours. "Dave Miller" wasn't totally gone, and at times I'd revert to him. For much of August, as well, my daughters made no visible signs of wanting or making any "regression" towards being boys. Miss Waterston told us to "take our time," but the girls still seemed to be definitely on the track towards permanent black girlhood. Even though Ashanti and Tanisha had shown no interest in making a physical reversion to Ryan and Tommy, they seemed to relax a little bit when James told them that the "rules" were eased a bit and that their old boy personalites could re-emerge in private. I think that this made them feel much better about a long-term physical manifestation as Tanisha and Ashanti, as they could now act as boys in private for periods of time. For example, Ryan would come and sit with me and we'd watch baseball, and even though we physically stayed totally as black girls, Ryan would drop his ebonics, take up his old voice, and we'd talk about which hitters we liked, gasp at home-runs, and that sort of things. He'd talk about which female actresses he thought were the hottest, and he had developed quite a crush on Vanessa Hudgens. However, in the next hour, he'd be talking about the upcoming ballet recital, or his upcoming date with DeShaun (which he was very excited about !!) It was still great though to feel like I wasn't totally "losing" my son. It was weird to hear such a pretty black girl like Tanisha start segueing the conversation to things like Muscle Cars, but it was the way of life now and it was great for Ryan to at least have an outlet for his testosterone, and for him to know that he could talk to me and still "be himself" with me. It did make me sad to know that "Tanisha" could obviously never do anything like play Major League Baseball or take up bodybuilding, but at least the thoughts could be there. Once Ryan had "purged" has male thoughts for an hour or so and talked all he wanted about his masculine interests, he could go right back to working on his ballet moves or perhaps modeling a new pair of pantyhose or a thong he had bought. In a way, it was actually kind of cool to have a kid who could cross both worlds. Tanisha also never acted like "Ryan" in the presence of James. "Tommy" did still re-emerge occasionally, but I got far less of my former younger son than I did from Ryan. As my daughters were now so solidified in their outward appearances and mannerisms as black girls, James said it was ok for us to bring back our old male identities in the privacy of home, and just for a couple of hours. We changed nothing about our physical appearance, but we still got to retain a part of our old-selves. Even if we acted like "Ryan" and "Dave," we still had to stay dressed in female garments, but we could talk like guys. With this freedom, Ryan felt a bit better about continuing to explore life as "Tanisha," knowing he could keep a part of his old identity. We also did other things like shopping, and we really built up our wardrobes. We got a huge variety of clothes like leopard-print thongs, tight minidresses, sparkly-tops, and low rider jeans. We also got lots more casual clothes, sweats, and just boring things for everyday wear. We each had huge collections of clothes now, and everything a self- respecting black woman would need. As we got towards mid-August, it really became clear now that the girls and I were not going to suddenly decide to transition back before the start of the school semester. James pointed this out, and this brought up the uncomfortable conversation about what would basically be a fait accompli for the next six months. "You girls got?s to start thinkin? about school," James said. Tanisha was understandably nervous about the possibility of actually attending a public school as "Tanisha." She had of course passed with flying colors at Dance Class and at summer camp, but now she would have prolonged exposure at a place with potentially hundreds of hostile kids. She expressed her fears to me, but I held her head and told her not to worry. "I pretty much gots to go to school now, don?ts I momma?" "Yes of course honeychild," I replied, consoling her, "but you will do just fine. Jus? remember all you learned this summer." I thought to myself that maybe Tanisha didn?t even need school, but she could just drop out and become a stay at home momma like her momma? Even working an easy job like the makeup counter at Macy?s or something like that. But I wanted better for my little girl, and maybe even a college education. I imagined her as a part of a pretty all-black sorority, taking part in a hot miss-thang contest, and even dating a hot frat guy. I wanted to make sure she could have such a future if she wanted to and just applied herself. Tanisha realized though that now she?d have to go to school as a black girl this year, which meant she had at least several more months as a woman before she could even go back. I think that this realization brought out the rebelliousness in Ryan again. One hour later, Ryan had pulled out an old photo album that James had stuck way down in the basement. As he looked in the book, he was dressed in his black leotard and white tights from his ballet class, and his hair was still all pretty, wavy, and all done-up. He flipped through the old photo-album, looking at page after page of pictures of himself as a boy, dressed in his old little-league uniforms and the like. As he looked through all that remained of his old male life, he began to sniffle a little, and then he sobbed uncontrollably.? I felt so bad for him, that I went over and gave him a big hug. I knew what he was upset about, without him even having to say it. "I never even kissed a girl," he sniffled, "and now I am one." "Oh hush hush honeychild," it?s all ok. I realized to myself how many male rites-of-passage that Ryan may never experience, but so many other American guys take for granted. I held him closely and told him I was sorry that he may miss out on so many great future things. I reassured him though that he may potentially have so many other equally great experiences as a black woman. Ryan looked back through all the pictures of his old male life, and it actually made me sad though when I thought about what was "gone." As of now, he could not even take over his old male body, as he had developed enormous breasts and tremendous child-bearing hips, as well as a positively spectacular rear-end; and he had a nice layer of soft feminine fat all over?. We had a new life that was just as and potentially even more "fulfilling" as our old ones. All I could do was let Ryan cry it out. "Now let?s go fix up yo? makeup, sweetie." Instead of protesting even more, he let me touch up his makeup again, and soon he was back to being a pretty black girl. I know he missed playing sports and making physical manifestations as a boy, but in the long-term, a choice had to be made. "You can still go back after the winter," I said to him, "but for this Fall and for school, it?s all Tanisha. And don?t worry, Ashanti will be at school with you, and all yo? friends." The next day, James came through the door and handed me a packet of papers. "I got the girls enrolled," he said. As it turns out, Ashanti and Tanisha had been enrolled at Dexter Collins Magnet School, where Aiesha and Shawquanda also attended, as well as many of the girls from the ballet school and church. It was a "natural fit," according to James. We had an appointment the next day to tour the school and meet the teachers, and then after an appointment at a local boutique to get fitted for school uniforms. Tanisha and Ashanti were nervous, but I quickly calmed their fears. "It just be school," I said. I looked on the Internet though and saw that the racial composition of Dexter Collins was 95% African-American. I was really nervous that they?d be going to a rough school with gangs, drugs, and possibly lots of oversexed boys, but James reassured me. "It?s all the same kids from church," he said, "and don?t believe all the awful stereotypes you?ve heard from white people. The school also has discipline." I felt much better. We went to tour the school, and I was really impressed as everything was freshly painted with all new fixtures installed. I met several of the teachers (all of them black), and honestly I felt really glad that Tanisha and Ashanti would have a really big new range of African-American role models to learn from and pattern themselves after. I began to feel really good about the school. Tanisha and Ashanti also seemed to warm to it, when they saw Aiesha and Shawquanda getting the return-tour the same day. (If Aiesha and Shawquanda could be white males and then succeed as black girls, then so could my sons !!) It turned out that Aiesha and Shawquanda were also heading to the same clothing boutique that afternoon to get fitted for new uniforms. Both Aiesha and Shawquanda had went up a size, and Shawquanda had begun growing boobies of her own, which meant she had to get fitted for new blouses. The salesgirl at the boutique who helped us explained that the uniforms for Dexter Collins were standard dark-blue blazers with the monogrammed school logo on the right blouse pocket. Light-blue blouses and ties were worn underneath. Girls wore blue plaid skirts that came to mid-thigh length, and white tights underneath; and mary-jane shoes. Accessories were limited to small earrings or a blue headband. The salesgirl explained that Dexter Collins was rather strict on discipline and enforced a serious dress-code. We got fitted for uniforms, and both girls soon had four blazers, seven blouses, seven skirts, and about 9 pairs of white tights each; as well as mary janes. We also got the girls? gym kits (3 each) of royal-blue monogrammed leotards, white tights, and white flats. I thought the girls looked so cute as they came out of the dressing room and each modeled their cute little gym kits. We got pictures of each of them solo, and then some of the sisters together, and then some of all four girls in their leotards and tights. I was now kind of getting all excited of my girls going to a school with so many other black girls. I felt great that they?d now have lots of peers and other black girls that they could learn from and from which they could develop their new African-American personalities. I personally liked the idea of so many black girls in white tights !! And I was sure both Ashanti and Tanisha would meet so many more hunky young black men, and I was excited for them to have so many to hot young African American men to pick from for future dances and dates !! The more I thought about it, my girls hit the golden goose. They?d mesh in right away even better to being black girls with so many African American friends, and they?d have their pick of cute boys. I almost felt jealous of them and I wished I was in their Mary Jane shoes. I wished I could have started my own journey when I was at their age, and had learned as a teenaged girl. Aiesha and Shawquanda each giggled when they explained that gym-classes were co-ed and taken with the boys. For Tanisha and Ashanti, the idea of getting to wear leotards and white tights in front of hormonally charged boys at gym suddenly had them VERY excited about starting school. I realized that perhaps we were farther away of possibly returning to manhood then I had ever thought !! I imagined how much fun my girls would have at something like an intramural baseball game, when Tanisha would pretend like she didn?t know how to hold the baseball bat just so that some boy could come up behind her, grind a little on her ass, and show her how to bat the ball. Of course, Tanisha could well do it on her own, but she?d play the sweet and helpless girl at gym and let the guy show her how to spike the volleyball or shoot the basketball. No matter what, Tanisha and Ashanti were definitely getting crash courses on being girls, flirting, and acting female in a stressful group situation; perhaps more so than we had ever imagined !! I had to say though that they were really doing well. I think by the end of that afternoon, both of my girls had totally gotten over their fears. I think that they were each so excited about the cute uniforms with white tights that they?d get to wear to school, that each had forgotten even being upset about having to stay as girls. Tanisha was so cheerful and happy, and she seemed to be totally "over" her little meltdown from when she looked at the photo-album last night. We went back home, and I was even happier when James told all of us that he was having his next big meeting at the firm, and how he felt like he was on the cusp of making partner. Of course, after this, his "need" for LaShaunda would be at an end, but each of us had several more months of girlhood, no matter what. Before school started, the girls and myself each went out and got cute new hairstyles in anticipation of the first school day. We went to Paulines, and Ashanti got a cute little bob cut with wavy curls at the bottom, around her shoulder. Tanisha tried something different and let Pauline do her hair up in a massive style with beads and braids, which I thought made her look distinctively African. I let Pauline tie up my hair in massive braided cornrows, with long wavy hair coming off of the back of my head. Pauline also left me with nice bangs in the front, which I thought made me look a bit like Kelly Rowland. We all admired our new hairstyles and tipped Pauline profusively. We were well on our way? (To be continued)