Esme Chapter 10 free porn video

Thank you to everyone who keeps reading our story and supporting us. Especially all the girls at Transcripts TG Fiction (pink milk all around ladies!) We hope you enjoy! Chapter 10 Esme leaned her head against the car window. She was beginning to recognise the route now. The long seemingly endless road. The fields extending to the horizon. Jay's obsession with guitar music. "Let's stop somewhere different this time," she said. "Huh?" Jay seemed a little dazed, half in a trance. "Away from the highway. Like a real restaurant. Nothing fancy, just a proper meal not burgers or whatever." "Sure," He turned and looked at her, giving her a little smile. "Just try and find something not too far off the road." The bar/restaurant advertised itself as authentic Italian. She suspected they put the emphasis on the 'I' when saying Italian, exactly the way Italian's don't. Like the way Americans had re-christened Van Gogh, Van Go. The tables had red and white checked tablecloths and the waitress smiled as they entered. Esme chose a Caesar Salad and Jay a pizza she knew she would stare at enviously for the whole meal. She jabbed her food with her fork. Salad wasn't real food. She was still Northern enough to know that. Sipping her OJ, she watched the young waitress adjusting her uniform while talking to the man behind the bar. Then she turned back to Jay, who was casually eating a slice while staring out the window. Sometimes she thought it was incredibly cruel that she couldn't just open up a window that let her see inside his head. Other times, she thought it was probably for the best. "Penny for them?" "Huh?" He looked like she'd caught him doing something. She wondered if he'd been thinking about the waitress. She'd leant over him while showing them the menu. He picked up his coffee and took a sip. For a moment she was scared. He looked serious. "I've been thinking." She sat up straight. This was it. He was breaking up with her. But that made no sense. He drove her all the way out here. Why wouldn't he just do it back home? How would she get back? "About Amber." She almost laughed. Of course, he was thinking about Amber. That's why he was here. Still wanting reassurance, she reached out and took his hand. "Amber seems like she was getting her shit together. Who knows? Maybe the pregnancy will be good for her, give her a reason to get straight." He nodded seriously. He looked like he was contemplating the news that North Korea had launched an attack. He took a deep breath. "I think we should offer to raise the kid." Esme almost dropped her fork. Her mouth must have been hanging open. He stared at her earnestly. This time, she did laugh. He kept hold of her hand. "Oh, shit. You're serious." She felt him stroking her thumb. "Sorry, I know that's a massive thing just to drop on you." "Yeah, just a little." She tightened her grip on his hand. Was she trying to hold him there or her? She didn't know. "I wasn't going to say anything until we got back home." He looked her in the eyes, unblinking. "Just promise me you'll at least think about it." She nodded her head silently. It was like he'd suggested she grow gills and live under the sea with him. They were half an hour away from Aiden's house when she started laughing. "What?" He asked. "Oh, it's just silly." She waved her hand. "Don't worry about it." "No, what?" She looked at him, "It's just the image. Us as parents. Jess and Dan are parents. Freya and Jason, I can totally see as parents. But us? It's just funny, kind of weird." He looked hurt. "Sorry. I didn't mean it in a bad way. Just," and she paused to gather her thoughts. "It's more like you said we should go live in a castle as a fairy tale prince and princess. I always assumed it was something I couldn't ever do, so why even think about it?" His face stayed serious, almost somber. "But, you will? Think about it? Right?" Reaching over she put a hand on his leg. "I will. I really will." He seemed really happy and she felt bad. What if she said no, would it all be over for them? Probably not immediately, he wasn't a jerk. But would something die between them. The Jankowskis welcomed them with open arms. Lorraine hugged Esme and thanked her. "Whatever for?" Esme muttered. Lorraine hugged her tighter. "You know what." For some reason Esme couldn't help herself. Tears appeared at the corners of her eyes. The others laughed. Lorraine held her by the shoulders and Esme was glad she didn't make a bigger deal out of it. "If you want, you can go see him. He's hanging out with his friends." Esme looked at Bob for reassurance. "Go. You've been granted an audience which more than we get," he laughed. Then, he turned to Jay and laughed. "Not you. Wanna help with the grill?" Walking along the hallway, Esme looked at each of the family photos. Aiden at school. Riding his first bike. She wondered if her dad and mum still had her pictures hanging on their walls. Tentatively, she knocked on the door clearly belonging to a teenage boy. You could tell by the smell alone. The boy who answered the door was Aiden but different. First, it was clearly a boy. His hair was cut short, very short. He wore a baggy white t-shirt with no sign of breasts. Esme assumed he must have bound them down. In the early days, she'd tried the same and could still remember how much it itched. Unlike her, he looked comfortable. Behind him she saw two other teens. A girl with a blue streak in her hair and a lanky boy who was clearly hitting puberty. And puberty was hitting back. Hard. "Cool, you're here." He bobbed his head up and down. They both looked at each other wondering if they should hug. They didn't. "Guys this is Esme. I told you about her." The other two half-heartedly waved at her, the boy never taking his eyes off the screen. She wanted to laugh and tell them how adorable they were. "Come in. We're playing Xbox. He almost dragged her in. Before he could close the door, she heard Lorraine calling from down the hall. "Ask Esme if she wants a drink." "God, mom!" Aiden rolled his eyes. Then, sheepishly he looked at her. "Do you want something?" "No I'm fine thanks," she smiled. Aiden looked at her and nodded. "No she's fine mom!" He shouted so loud he almost deafened her. Speaking more quietly, well as quietly as he could, he introduced his friends. "This is Misty and Ben." "Hi er, miss, erm..." Misty couldn't quite look at her. Aiden laughed. "She's not 'miss,' Mist. She's Esme." Aiden didn't look at her but she got the feeling she'd just been paid a massive compliment. "Halo 5?" Esme asked. She had seen the sign in the local Gamestop, when she went looking for a present. "Nah, Overwatch," Ben said. "You play?" "I used to," she said. Computer games had been a good place to escape as a teenager. That had carried on into her adult life as a way to hide from stress at the end of the day. She preferred world building games but still. "Can I have a go?" Ben passed her his control and gave up his beanbag. Then Aiden handed her her arse. Why she thought she could beat a teenage boy at a shooter game. Defeated, she sat next to Misty on the bed, watching Ben and Aiden play. "Aiden says you live in New York," Misty started nervously, "and you come from England?" "Yeah, that's true." "Wow." "You want to travel?" Esme had to stop herself from saying 'when you get older'. "Yeah," Misty kicked the leg of the bed, "but I don't think I'll ever get out of this place. What's New York like?" Esme shrugged. "Big. Impossible. Brutally hot in the summer and worse than the Arctic in the winter. Very fast. The trains are too crowded and they're falling apart besides. And it's ridiculously expensive to live there." Misty watched her with a level of reverence. Like she was reading from the cool Bible or something. "But I wouldn't live anywhere else. It's the best city in the world... after Manchester." Old allegiances run deep. "Wanna go to Sheetz for a slush?" Misty asked. They all seemed to turn and look at Esme. "Have we got time?" "It'll be at least another hour." They went out via the kitchen where they found Jay and Bob holding beers and staring at a series of meats. Esme almost laughed at his serious expression. Jay looked up and smiled at her. For a moment she thought how lucky she was, then immediately started worrying that she'd lose it all. "Is it OK if I take," don't say 'the kids', "Aiden and the others to Sheetz to get slushes?" Aiden and his friends rolled their eyes, then looked at her. "I meant, do we have time?" Bob laughed. "Plenty. Lorraine is out back organising D-Day. She'll be at least an hour, probably more like two." Jay laughed. "If we weren't eating, I'd say get me an El Gringo." The others laughed and Esme said, "Dare I ask what an El Gringo is?" Bob laughed, "Heartburn. A hamburger with, uh, Doritos, hot pepper cheese, chili and BBQ sauce. Aren't you a little old to be eating those, Jay?" Esme mock-retched. "If he ate that, he wouldn't be coming in the car with me." Jay laughed. "Anyway, get me a half coke-half cherry. I'll call you when we're getting close. You need the keys?" She turned to Aiden and his friends, "Is it walkable?" She assumed no. This was America outside New York. No one walked. Misty said, "it's faster if we drive." Jay laughed. "Think fast," he said, tossing her the keys, which she easily caught on the fly Catching the impressed look on Aiden's face she explained. "Top bowler in my school." For a year. He smiled. "I bowled with you. Remember?" "Sorry. Not that kind of bowler. A real one. Cricket." Bob looked at her, "Doesn't that go on for hours?" Esme shrugged. "Sure, if you're some sort of One Day Cricket wuss. A good test series goes on for months." She caught the bemused looks on their faces. "It was the only sport where girls and boys played together. And where I could get a little revenge." The Spring sun was out by the time they reached the Sheetz. Misty and Esme sat on the hood of Jay's car while they watched Aiden and Ben messing around with their skateboards. As she slurped on her slushy, Esme watched Misty watching Aiden. "How long have you known him?" Misty looked at her. "Since like third grade." There was silence while Misty stared at the ground. "And you don't mind?" She left it hanging there. She'd assumed Misty knew. Misty looked at her. "No. it's still him. Underneath I mean." "You like him?" "Shut up!" Misty let her blue hair fall in front of her face. Then she looked at Esme and they laughed. "He's different. Not like, because of his 'thing'. He used to do all these amazing drawings in art class. Like he could just look at someone then turn around and draw their face. All the other boys just drew stupid Anime shit. Japanese school girls and big boobs, dumb stuff like that." "Good." Esme smiled and returned to her drink. Misty spoke slowly and carefully. "I don't think he likes me though. Not in that way." She looked at Esme like she was frightened she was going to laugh at her. "Don't be so sure about that." Esme looked over at Aiden who had been glancing at them every chance he got since they arrived. "Boys your age. They aren't good with stuff like that. They don't always pick up on signals." She thought how boys her age weren't necessarily good at it, either. "Sometimes, you just have to talk to them." Misty looked over at Aiden who was now furiously looking the other way. "What about you, what was it like for you? Growing up I mean." Esme froze. "It's OK. I mean we know. But, no one cares. You're just Aiden's, like, big sister or something." She looked up at the pale blue sky. "Big sister?" "I mean, not actually, but y'know. Kind of like." "Kind of like." Esme repeated while smiling. She got up and walked over to the boys. "Hey, give us a go." "You want to skateboard?" Aiden said shifting his balance from one foot to the other and back again. "Girls can skateboard too," Esme chided. "Sure girls can. But can you?" A grin passed over Aiden's lips. "Hey, I'm not that old!" Aiden passed her his board. How long had it been? She wondered. Since before the change? No, she was sure she must have done it after, she just couldn't remember. There had been a U shaped road near where they lived. The entrance to which was at the top of a steep hill, the bend at the bottom. They used to race down and see how far around the bend they could get before falling off. How they had avoided being hit by a car she didn't know. God protects children and drunks, her father used to say. After a while, the boys on her street had stopped calling around for her. She remembered cycling past one day. Seeing them going down the hill shouting happily to each other, unaware she was looking on. She wobbled when she got on. She was taller now, and her centre of balance had changed. Gaining in confidence she set off. Heading towards the dumpster she tried to turn. Overcompensating, she sent the board one way and went the other herself. "Shit!" She could hear them laughing. "Just a little rusty." She muttered, trying to hide her embarrassment. Retrieving the board, she put it down in front of her. There was one trick she did remember. What was meant to happen was that she'd put her foot on one end and flip the board up so she could catch it. But she put her foot down too quickly and the board came flying at her. She screamed and flinched, the board hitting her and falling to the floor. She heard the laughter. "It's cool Esme. You're just out of practice." She watched as Aiden picked up the board. By the time they got back, the BBQ had already started. Esme could smell the food from the driveway. Around the back, the adults stayed on the patio while the kids hung out on the lawn. Esme watched Aiden with his mates. Not just Misty and Ben but several others from around the neighbourhood. She watched them for a while before turning back to the adults. The neighbours all seemed friendly, but for the most part Esme stayed silent. She was happy to let Jay field the questions about rent in New York ('too high'), the crime ('it's not that bad') and living only feet away from rats ('Never had that problem. Roaches, not rats.') He put his arm around her and, after a while, she rested her head on his shoulder. After the last of the guests had left, they helped them clean up. Esme could tell Jay was just as tired from the traveling as she was. Around ten, they made their goodbyes planning to head back to Jay's mother's house. As they were walking out to the car, Aiden and Misty came out to say goodbye. Esme saw they were holding hands. "Hey." Aiden said, doing his thing of bobbing his head up and down. "Hey you." Esme embraced him. "Thanks." He muttered. "No, thank you for inviting us." Esme smiled. "No I mean 'thanks'." Aiden nodded slightly towards Misty. Esme grinned. She winked at him. "No problem little bro," which got a sigh and eye roll from him. "Come visit us in New York, next time..." and she paused, not wanting to say too much in front of Misty or Jay, "you're in the area. If your parents say it's OK, you can stay with us. Give your folks a bit of a break." They hugged goodbye. "What was that all about?" Jay asked when she finally got in the car. "I'll tell you on the drive." Esme pulled her seatbelt on and they pulled away. It was a long drive in the dark and Esme found herself nodding off several times. The house was empty when they arrived. Both Margaret and Stef were on late shifts and Amber was somewhere else. They went straight to bed. Esme lay there waiting for Jay, the lights off. She could hear him in the bathroom. The toilet flushing, the sound of him brushing his teeth. Reassuring sounds. Sounds she'd become accustomed to. When he got into bed she turned so she was looking at him. "So, how would it work?" "How would what work?" She hit him on his arm. "What do you think? The reform of the electoral college. The baby, you doofus." "Doofus? You need to meet a classier guy." He laughed, then turned serious. "I'm not sure. We'd have to talk it through. Like maybe I could go part time. Or take a FMLA leave." "Hmm, don't be silly. I mean you earn more than I do as it is. And you've got all these new offers coming in." She pulled herself closer. "I've been thinking about writing a book. Factual. About the people who have been left behind in places like this. Or back home. And I could do the podcast for the Report. Still have an income coming in. I think that new law will let me take eight weeks at half pay or something. There was a sign in the kitchen at work about it, I think." "So, you're thinking about this..." Even in the dark room Esme could see him smiling. "I'm thinking about it....seriously." There was a pause. "Would we still live in New York?" "You want to move to the suburbs?" "No, god no!" Esme reacted. "Good." "Good. The schools are better in New York anyway. And we could always travel for work when we need to. Use the city as a base." She bit her bottom lip. Jay pulled her a little closer. "I don't want the kid stuck in some place with no prospects like we were. Not to insult here. Or Crewe." She didn't know if he could see her smile. As if she moved across an ocean because Crewe had so much to offer. "I mean, if they want to move there when they get older..." Esme placed a finger on his lips. "Ssssh. Like I said, I'm giving it serious thought. We're not picking out universities yet." "OK. You'll think about it?" Exasperated, she replied. "Yes! I'll think about it." Again Jay smiled. He move, pulling himself over her, held up by his arms. She felt them, had he been working out? He leaned down and kissed her. "No fair. You're trying to bribe me!" She protested. "OK, OK. I promise this will give you no pleasure at all." "No change there then." She pushed herself up and kissed him back. --------------------------------------------------------- The next morning, Esme woke up to the smell of coffee. She looked over and saw Jay passed out, drool on his pillow and his arm hanging over the side. She smiled, thinking of how wiped out he had to be, between the drive and the party. She wondered exactly how long the drive would have to be, before he would agree to switch places and let her drive. Maybe when they went to Charlotte for Freya's wedding. Smiling again she picturing the two of them lost among Freya's parents and their friends. She wanted Freya's mother to meet Jay. She pulled on a pair of sweatpants and walked quietly out. She went into the kitchen to see Margaret sitting at the table, reading the newspaper. 'At least there's someone reading print still,' she thought. "Good morning, Margaret," she said, unsure of whether she should give her a kiss. She didn't need to wonder. Margaret got up and kissed her. "Good morning, Esme. How was the trip?" "Boring, which is good. There's not much to say about the turnpike." Margaret smiled. "True enough. So how was the party?" "A lot of fun actually. They seemed really happy." "That's, uh, great," she said, tentatively. "How is Aiden, right? How is he...she...whatever...doing?" "He, and he's definitely a 'he,' no matter what, is doing great. I met some of his friends. There's a girl, Misty. They're very cute together." Margaret's face twisted up a little and then she shook her head. "Sorry. I guess, I just, I don't know. It's just a lot to process. I'm sorry." "Don't apologize. I'll say it again. You can ask me anything and I'll answer as best as I can." "I know that. That poor kid. I mean, how is he dealing?" "He really is doing great. He has friends, which is more than I could say at that age. It may be one of the few positive things about the Internet. It's made kids a lot more, I don't know, open about things." She thought about Aiden and Misty and remembered walking the halls alone. And willing herself not to think about anyone that way. "That really is great," in what Esme took as a sincere tone. "And the parents?" "They appear to be dealing with a teenager." Margaret laughed. "If I could find a cure for that, I'd be rich. I'm sorry if I sound like an idiot." Esme smiled. "You don't." "I'm just glad Jay and Stef aren't here for this. 'Maaaa,'" she said, in a whiny tone. "I really should be better at this. I'm a nurse, for god's sake." Esme laughed, "Well, this is one you don't find in too many textbooks. And...and..." Margaret smiled, "I'm your boyfriend's mother? And this is uncomfortable?" "Sorry," Esme said, sheepishly. She got up and went to the counter. "Please, Jay's grandmother, the old bat, if I had known she was down here, I'd have climbed out of the window before I came down here. You want some? Black, two sugars?" "Yes, please." They sat and drank coffee, passing the newspaper sections back and forth. Esme looked at the photos and imagined Jay, spending his time photographing car accidents and high school sports. She read through the articles, silently running her red pencil over some of the ledes. Stef was the first to wake up, padding into the kitchen in yoga pants and a Steelers t shirt. Esme made note to bring her Liverpool t shirt the next time she came. She smiled broadly and gave Esme a big hug and kiss. "Hey!" "Hey Stef. How's everything? How's Ethan," she teased. It was amazing how a 30-something woman could be made to blush, just by mentioning her boyfriend in front of her mother. "He's fine," she said. "He says hello." Margaret just laughed at her evident uncomfortability. "How was the party? How is Aiden?" "I told your mother. Fine. Great." "That's good. I know you were worried and all." "About what?" Margaret asked. "I don't know. About everything coming out the way it did and all." Margaret looked annoyed. "That's ridiculous. Anyone who saw the video knows you were tricked. I can't believe that they would be upset with you," she said, her voice, rising. Esme smiled a little, grateful for Margaret's defense, even if it was over something non-existent. Stef smiled. "Calm down, ma. She said that they were fine. You're getting yourself upset over nothing." "Thank you though, Margaret. I do appreciate it." She smiled. "Thank you taking care of Jaybird," she said, to titters from Stef and Esme. "I have to get it out now, before he wakes up. It's too early to listen to his crap about it." "Where's Amber?" Esme asked tentatively. Stef grumbled, "With Ilya. You'd think that...." "Shush, Stef. Not now. This is not the time." It took Esme a second and then she realized what was 'not now.' She debated saying something, but held her tongue. Instead, she shifted the conversation to Freya's wedding, figuring that was anodyne enough. "Just be prepared for my brother to run once the ceremony starts," Stef laughed. Esme thought about everything in the car. Was that the next logical step? She thought about walking down the aisle. She pictured herself in a white dress and shuddered. ----- They had exhausted all conversation and were all in the living room watching a rerun of "Law and Order" on TNT. Esme couldn't remember the last time, other than sports, that she had just passively watched TV, with advertising and the inability to pause or fast forward the show. It reminded of her being in Crewe, her father in his chair on Sundays watching "Inspector Morse," waiting until the commercials to ask for some crisps. She looked over at Jay, who was alternating flicking through his phone and watching Chris Noth question a suspect. She found herself willing herself not to look at her phone, to just pay attention to the show. Testing herself to show she could focus on one thing, without distraction. After an hour, they heard the jingling of keys and then the sound of the lock tumblers turning. Amber walked in and saw them all sitting on the couch. She looked shocked, despite knowing that Jay and Esme were covering, "Oh...Hey...I didn't...what's up?" Before anyone else could speak, Margaret said, "Why don't you tell us? Where were you?" She looked at Jay and Esme, then quickly turned away, looking over Margaret's head to the picture above the couch. "Ilya's," she mumbled. Stef jumped in. "What's going on Amber?" "Nothing," she said, never taking her eyes off the picture. "Bull," Stef snapped, "Stop lying already." Esme looked at Jay and then back at Amber. She expected her to go off on Stef or storm upstairs. Or out. Instead, she took a deep breath and said, "well, I have some news....I don't know how to phrase this.....here goes....I, um, am pregnant." Esme looked at Jay and thought, 'do I say 'really' in a surprised tone? Ask, 'how are you feeling?' Excuse myself and hide in the bedroom and text Freya?' Jay took her hand, which made the decision for her. She could feel herself tense up and said, "congratulations?" Amber gave her a small smile. Margaret looked at Stef, then her and said, "I was wondering when you were planning on telling us." Her tone was flat but there was pain in her eyes. Amber looked horrified. "What? You knew? How? Did Dr. Sternin tell you?" Margaret rolled her eyes. "No, that would violate HIPAA..." Stef interrupted. "We're nurses, Amber. Plus, you don't hide it well. You've been tired and when you come home from work, you don't drink. Two plus two, Am..." She had a self-satisfied smile. Which Margaret shot down. "Enough, Stefanie. She's not drinking and she's resting and she's going to the doctor. She's doing what she's supposed to do." Esme looked at Amber, who looked as if she had shrunk in on herself. "Thanks, ma." Margaret stood with her arms crossed. "So what does shithead have to say?" "You need to ask?" Amber said, half defiantly and half dejectedly. She looked at Esme and Jay. Esme gave a weak smile while Jay sat impassive. Stef gave a quick snort. "So, what are you going to do?" Margaret piped in. "She lives here. She'll stay here. Her and the baby." Jay gave Esme's hand a quick squeeze, and she rubbed his leg. As much for her comfort as his. Jay looked at Amber and raised his eyebrows. Stef just mumbled, 'great. Just what you need.' Margaret looked at her and snapped, "Enough, Stefanie! Do you have another idea?" Amber coughed. "Actually, that's not what I'm going to do...." "Are you putting it up for adoption?" Esme thought she noted a hint of hopefulness in Stef's voice. Amber opened her mouth, but before she could speak, Margaret said, with a hitch in her voice, "you can't...you're not...." Amber put her arm around her. "I would never, ma. Come on." "Then what are you going to do?" "Look, I know I can't raise a kid." She looked over at Stef. "Shut up, Stef." She kept her arm around her mother and continued, "And Charisse told me her sister could get me a job in Florida..." Margaret started to cry. "I can't imagine someone else raising my grandchild. My first grandchild." Esme nudged Jay and he got up to hug her. "No, ma. That's not it either." Margaret sniffled into Jay's shoulder. "You're not raising it. You're not putting it for adoption. You're not, thank god, even considering that." Esme sat frozen on the couch. Stef looked at her and rolled her eyes. "So what's left?" Amber took a deep breath. "I asked Jay and Esme to take it." Margaret pushed them both away. "What," she snapped. "You did what?" Surprisingly calmly, Amber said, "I asked Jay and Esme to take it. It'll have two parents. And it'll get to live in New York and have a chance...." "Amber Rose O'Neill, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard you say. And that is a tough title to win." Jay moved over and put his arm around Amber. "Stop it, ma! Why is it stupid?" "I need to explain to you why it's stupid? That I have to do that just shows me how stupid you are." "That's not an answer," he said. He looked away from his mother. Esme took his hand and squeezed it. She laughed. "You two are going to raise a child? You and Esme?" She looked at Esme and said, "No offense, Esme, but you're not exactly mother material." Esme felt herself starting to cry and tried to will herself not to. Unsuccessfully. Stef came over and held her. "Ma! I cannot believe you!" Margaret said, angrily, "That is NOT what I meant and you know it." Amber looked at her. "What did you mean, ma? How is she not mother material? What? She doesn't have a streak of picking deadbeat assholes like you? Is that it?" Jay smiled and said, "Thanks. I think." Then he looked at his mother, "What the hell did you mean, ma?" Margaret refused to back down. She was shaking a little. "What I meant was...she works crazy hours." "Like an ER nurse?" Jay shook his head. "How many extra shifts did you take when we were kids?" "That is not the point. Have you ever cared for a child, Esme? Ever held one?" Esme kept her head buried in Stef's shoulder. "I saw her with her friend's kid. She was great. He warmed up to her right away." "Because that's being a parent," Margaret sneered. "That's just ridiculous. Did you even want children, Esme?" Esme pulled herself away. She looked at Margaret, although the tears blurred her vision. "I mean...I....uh...I never even thought about it....It didn't seem possible, so....." She thought how she still wasn't sure what she wanted. Except to strangle Jay's mother. Or run. Or both. "Fine, whatever. What about you, Jay? I've never heard you mention children. Once. Too busy running all over the world. You do this, you better commit to it for life. Can you do that?" "I can, ma." She looked him up and down. "Do you want to?" "What is your problem, ma?" Amber said, calmly. Maturely. "Do you really want a baby? 24/7? Or are you just pissed? Do you really want to start over?" "Oh, that's it? Stef and I will be here. It'll be fine. With that, Stef ran out of the house. Esme looked at Amber and Jay, who stood there on either side of Margaret, and got up and went outside. She found Stef squatting against the side of the house, crying. And seething. "No! No! No! I am not. No! She is not doing this to me! No!" Esme squatted next to her and tried to joke. "So, I'm sensing disagreement here." Stef glared and she put her arm around her. "Sorry about that." Stef pulled away and turned to face Esme. "No, sorry. It's not you. It's her." In a mocking tone, she said, "Oh, don't worry. Stef will do it. Stef will take care of everything? Jay leaves? Stef will help out with Amber. Like that worked. Amber gets arrested? Stef will drive to Kennywood. Amber gets knocked up and wants to run away? Stef will take care of the baby. Stef cleans up everything. Stef's the good one. Well, fuck that. It's not happening. Not this time. No." Esme debated moving closer but didn't. "I, uh, didn't know." Stef laughed, "Why would you? You think my brother would say something?" Esme stood up. "Sorry, leg cramps. Anyway, you know that he thinks the world of you. That he loves you...." Stef stood up and started shifting from foot to foot, to try and warm herself up. "I know. And I love him. And I love you." Esme felt her face flush. "Thank you. I mean, I love you too...." Stef laughed, "Good save. Anyway, you're good for him. And he's good for you, I think." Esme said, 'he is,' and Stef continued. "But this isn't about you. I'm 30 years old, Esme. And I'm finally with a normal guy. And ma wants to fuck it up. I do this and Ethan's running for the hills. And he should. It's not his job to raise someone else's kid, especially not hers. She can't be happy for me. She has to fuck it up." Esme came over and hugged her, for comfort. And warmth. Mostly comfort. "I don't think she's trying to fuck it up. Anymore than I think mine did." She paused, thinking about that last statement. "I think she just wants what she thinks is best. For the baby. She's not thinking about you..." Stef laughed. "That's obvious. She's not thinking about me? If you're going to be a mother Esme, you need to work on comforting, you know?" Esme laughed. "Well, if we do this, I'll get it as an infant. I'll have plenty of opportunities to say the wrong thing before it can understand me." Stef laughed and then said, "If? Um, are you not sure?" Esme mumbled and kicked a rock. "Seriously, Esme? Are you not sure? Because the two of them seem to think this is a done deal and you better say something if it isn't. Or is. Either way." Esme looked away. "I don't know. I mean I love Jay. And this means a lot to him." Stef hugged her and then turned her to face her. "That's not a reason. Didn't they show you those movies in England?" Esme tried to joke. "I didn't pay attention. They weren't relevant." Stef didn't laugh. "I'm serious." Esme said, "So am I. I meant what I said inside. I never thought about it because I had no reason to. It wasn't going to happen. For a lot of reasons. Like your mother said." Stef sighed. "That was uncalled for. And not what she meant. She's hurt." "So am I." "You should be. I just meant that she's hurt that Am didn't ask her. But she wouldn't say anything to Jay. He's her son. And she wouldn't say anything to Am because that would mean she had to admit to something." Esme watched Stef get herself worked up and thought about how she had all this anger built up. That she could never express. "And so she says it to you. And me. The two people who try to help her. Who don't ask for anything. Well, I'm not. Not anymore." She saw the steam coming out of her mouth, the puffs quickly dissipating. Esme looked at her and said, "Do you want children?" Stef looked shocked. "Huh?" "Do you want them?" She debated saying something about Zachary. About how she didn't acknowledge him. "I mean the answer is fine, either way." Stef said, "Sure. Maybe. Some day. But not today. And not Am and Ilya's kid. I'd want my own. When I wanted it. Does that makes sense?" Esme smiled. "Yeah, of course, it does. You get to decide. It's your decision." Stef said, "Sorry. About everything. But you need to think about this. Hard. Do you really want to be a part of this family?" Esme laughed, "When you put it that way. That's why we live six hours away. So we don't have to be too much." Stef started rubbing her arms. "Ha ha. But, seriously, think about what you want. And then talk to the idiot in there. K?" Esme gave her another hug. It felt good to hug Stef, to feel the emotional warmth. "Yes. Thank you." Stef looked confused. "For what?" She smiled. "You know." Then she started rubbing her arms. "Can we go inside now? I've frozen my non-existent tits off." --- Esme straightened the front of her dress before turning left then right, checking herself out in the two mirrors. It wasn't too bad. It was a cocktail length, sleeveless A-line dress, in powder blue. Esme ran the soft fabric between her fingers. "I don't know. I mean it's nice, but it just calls attention to my stringy arms and my boyish physique." Freya laughed. "Oh please. Skinny bitch. I can't wait to see what Heather looks like." Heather was Freya's first cousin. She couldn't stand her, and the feeling was mutual. None of that mattered, her mother had said, 'honey, this is not up for discussion,' in the way she had. The way that could completely shut Freya down. "Can you imagine her pregnancy hips in this," she said, laughing. Esme smiled. "Yeah, well, I still feel weird, like I should have a sash and tiara." She kept staring at herself in the mirror. She had been growing her hair out and wondered if she should try something different for the wedding. Freya took her hand. "Let's go deal with her." She sighed, Esme didn't have to ask who she meant. Mrs Parsons terrified Esme. It wasn't that she was deliberately cruel, although she thought she overheard her call her 'the train wreck' once. Add to that that she didn't really understand Charlotte. After ten years, she had come to the conclusion that New York was London on stilts. New England was the Home Counties with hills and mountains. Jay's hometown made perfect sense to her as a Northerner. But Charlotte was weird. It had tall buildings but it was definitely the South. And the South had its own rules, rules she didn't understand. Esme walked out, unsure of how to stand. Mrs. Parsons sat in a chair, a strange, delicate little chair. The entire bridal shop was filled with tiny chairs, made for women much smaller than those she saw wandering the airport. In one, she saw a man, clearly father of a bride, crammed in, trying hopelessly to read his phone while his wife and daughter talked over him. "Esme," Mrs. Parsons said, "you look wonderful," she said, making a twirling gesture with her finger. Esme twirled as best she could, trying not to trip. Mrs. Parsons continued, "Much less puffy. I know that when John's sister quit," and she mimed drinking, "she looked much less puffy too." "Mom," Freya said, half shouting and half through gritted teeth. "Oh, Freya, stop. I was paying her a compliment. You know that. Right, Esme?" Esme nodded, afraid to get in the middle. "Well, anyway, everyone else has already been fitted. Esme was the last, being up North and all." Freya whined. "Mom, she could have gotten the dress in New York. But, you made a big deal about paying for it and how much cheaper it was..." Her mother cut her off. "It doesn't matter, what's done is done. We have to get to lunch. Everyone is waiting. Go change, Esme." She actually clapped at her. Esme came out of the dressing room, in her jeans, t shirt and jacket. Mrs. Parsons looked her up and down. "It's so nice to see you're not a slave to fashion, Esme. That's why we love you." When they got into the car, Esme slid into the back, behind Freya. She wordlessly listened to the two of them bicker. Back home, Freya was an associate editor of a major New York newspaper, in charge of coordinating multiple reporters and assigning stories. Here, all that was missing to complete her transformation back to teenage girl was a set of earbuds and Freya asking to be let out 'where no one could see her.' The restaurant was like an airplane hangar. A tastefully decorated, over air-conditioned airplane hangar, but an airplane hangar nonetheless. A pianist sat in the middle, dutifully and competently playing piano versions of pop standards. She thought she recognized 'Human Nature' by Michael Jackson. It was unfair that he had to die twice. A voice called. "Over here. Annabelle, Freya, over here." It was Freya's cousin Jenna. They had met at Freya's 30th, where Esme filed her under, "nice but dull." Patty called people like this, 'beige walls'. Nothing wrong but no one ever says, 'wow, what a great beige wall.' As they approached the table, they saw.... "Still dressing like a boy I see," the familiar voice said. Everyone else was in a dress or skirt. Esme and Amanda looked at each other, deciding whether to kiss. In the end, they shook hands. "Hello, Amanda. How have you been?" "I'm fine," she said, holding her hand and putting her left on top of Esme's. "You are...so brave." She had posted the same message to Esme's Facebook feed the day the articles appeared. Esme liked it out of a vague sense she should, not really knowing why. "Um, thanks. Again." Mrs. Parsons came over. "Oh, that's right. I always forget. You two know each other from New York. Amanda introduced you and Freya." An interesting way of phrasing it. "Of course, Amanda and Freya go back forever. I remember seeing Junie, that's Amanda's mother, pushing her in a carriage at the club. And then all through school, up to grad school...when you two met. I mean, I know how close you and Freya are, but there's nothing like an old friend. Isn't that right, Freya?" Esme was impressed at how she could put her both down and in her place, all in one run-on sentence. She was irked, but as Aiden said, when he beat her soundly on Xbox, 'hate the game, don't hate the player.' Freya stared at her orange juice ('it's not five o'clock yet, dear'), looking like she was willing vodka into it. "Whatever, mom." Lunch was a horrible affair. Clearly, everyone at the table had been filled in on Esme's 'condition.' It seeped out in ambiguously phrased questions. "How well you're doing. I don't know what I would do. How did your mother take it?" Esme danced around the truth, and said, 'it was a different time and place.' It didn't matter. The conversation moved on to the wedding. "OK, so Freya, we're all set with the florist. I've got it all sorted out, which made daddy happy." Freya looked at Esme and rolled her eyes. Her father may have been the only man involved in this wedding who cared less about the flowers than Jason, except when it came to the bills. As far as Esme knew, the only things Mr. Parsons cared about were his investments and the Carolina Panthers. Every time they lost, Freya and Jason used to joke about how Freya's mom needed to hide. "That's great, mom. Thanks, I guess. I still don't know why we couldn't do this in New York. Where I live. And where," and she squeezed Esme's hand, "my friends live." Esme could feel Amanda wishing a multitude of painful and humiliating deaths onto her. "Oh, don't be ridiculous, sweetie," Mrs. Parsons said, to the laughs of the other women. "I don't think you realize what a wedding like this would cost in New York." Esme knew Freya did. And it wasn't the wedding she wanted, not here or in New York. She had complained the whole way down. "Besides, John Roberts over at the club is doing your father a favor. Well, not really a favor, after everything daddy has done for him. Besides, what's done is done. And, he's giving us the upstairs at the club for the bridal shower for free." This brought oohs and aahs for the other women. Amanda spoke up. "Oh please, Freya. Stop it. I remember how you used to talk about how having your wedding at the club." She turned to the other women. "It's all she talked about." She glanced at Esme. "Or used to, at least. Before she became all sophisticated," she laughed. Amanda was living in Westchester now, with her two kids and a husband who was probably cheating on her. At least that's what Esme hoped. Freya mumbled, "When I was twelve. Excuse me," she said, and she stood up, walking away quickly. Esme looked at the women, who were all staring at her. Amanda made a move to get up. Esme smiled. "I've got this, Amanda. Excuse me," she said. She felt like a rebel walking through the resturant in her jeans. She found Freya seething in the bathroom. "I'm calling Jason and we're eloping. We are eloping next weekend. You and Jay will come. I don't care. I'll pay back my father even though I never wanted this. But Ouiser is not going to make me do this. No way." Before Esme's first visit to Charlotte, Freya had made her watch "Steel Magnolias," so that Esme 'could better understand where I'm from.' Esme put her hand on Freya's bobbing leg. "Well, now, I know what I'm getting you for a wedding present," she laughed. "A gun?" "No," she laughed. "Your aunt got that off the registry. A trip to Miami. Just you and me. Not Ouiser. Not Heather, although that would make us look that much better." Freya laughed and Esme continued. "I mean, I should invite Amanda, being as I do declare, you two go all the way back to the carriage," she said, in an awful Southern accent. "You do that and I'm getting that gun early. Thanks," she said, kissing her. Then, she sighed again, "let's get back out there. The sooner we get there, the sooner this is done, right?" They went back out and Freya played along with her mother, dutifully nodding. The way Jason did in New York. On the way out, Amanda stopped Esme. "Happy?" Esme smiled. "Most days, reasonably so. You?" "You know that they think you're a freak, right?" Esme maintained composure. "That's their right, I suppose. Just them?" Amanda glared at her. "I always knew there was something wrong with you. You always thought you were better than me." Esme thought back to Tyler and smiled. "I wasn't the only one to think that." "It doesn't matter. I knew there was something wrong with you and now I know. Fuck you," she said, quietly so no one would hear. Esme wrapped her in a hug and kissed her. "It was just so wonderful seeing you too, Amanda. We can't go this long again!" Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Freya, standing with some of the other women, giggle. ------------ They went back to Freya's house. Freya had sworn, to herself mostly, that it was 'the last thing I would ever do. I am NOT spending any more time with her than is absolutely necessary.' In the end, they couldn't get a flight back. And, as Esme had told her, 'she's your mum and she wants to see you and you'll only get married the once...or at least only once where they'll pay,' which brought a pillow at her head. Esme had wanted to stay at a hotel, but Freya wouldn't allow it. They were sitting in Freya's room, surrounded by her stuffed toys, pictures of her cotillion, and her dressage ribbons. The first time Esme had visited, she'd asked about cheerleading pictures, assuming, based on movies, that that's what Freya would have been. She was told, flatly, "that wasn't happening. I wasn't standing on any sidelines and besides she thought it was common.'" Esme wondered what was left of her at her parent's house. "I am soooo glad you're here," Freya said, while Esme played with a pink rabbit. She laughed, "Did I have a choice? I mean do you know how much they charge for dresses in New York? I do declare it's robbery. Yankee robbery." Esme mock swooned. Freya stuck her tongue out. "No more 'Gone With the Wind' for you. Seriously though, thank you. I mean that. I couldn't do this without you." Esme looked at her and threw the rabbit in the air. Freya grabbed it and put it back neatly on the shelf. Esme said, "Please. You do everything for me. This is the least that I can do." Freya smiled, "True enough. What's going on?" "What's going on with what?" "This whole week. Something's been up with you. What's up?" "What's going on with what? I finished that story on the City Council MM wanted." She had done a story on the fight over the new City Council Speaker being white. It was the dynamic being played out over the US. Should the leader of a mostly minority council be white, even if he or she was progressive? Did race trump beliefs? "I know. I saw that. I meant what's going on personally. Is something bothering you? It's all over her face." Esme always envied her ability to read people. "Everything OK with Jay?" "Oh, we're fine. Great. He's great," she said, laughing. "But you better not say anything." Freya laughed. "I'm team Kitten," and she saluted. Esme knew she was also team Jay, and wondered how much that led to where they were now. "You better be. No, it's not us. Not exactly. It's Amber." Her eyes widened. "Ooooh, what now? What did she do?" Freya lived for news of Jay's family. Jason's family was too boring, she explained. Esme went back to the shelf, and picked up the rabbit. Gently. "She's pregnant." "Whoa, really? Esme said, "Indeed." Freya said, "how's Jay doing? He has to be crazy. How's his mom taking it?" "That's a story in and of itself." "I imagine. When did you find out?" "Remember when I told you she showed up out of nowhere? Then." "And you waited TWO WEEKS to tell me?" Freya said. She picked up a pillow and hugged it to her. "You were busy. With what to put in the gift bags for the rooms," Esme teased. "I didn't want to disturb you and your mother. Bonding time and all." "Ha fucking ha. Seriously though, what's she going to do? I mean, they're Catholic and all, but...." "She wants us to take it," Esme said. "Us? Us who?" "Jay and me, us." Freya stared at her. "You. And Jay. And a kid. Um, did I miss a memo or something? What did you say? What did Jay say?" "Jay wants us to do it," Esme said, pulling playfully on the rabbit's ears. "And you?" "I'm considering it. Seriously, I think. That's why I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say." Freya kept staring at her, unblinking. She took a sip of water. She looked like someone had hit the pause button. Esme hugged the rabbit. "Say something. Anything." Freya stood up and walked to her bookshelf and stared at the pictures. Then she went to the window and stared. Then back to the bookshelf, where she picked up a bear and studied him closely. Esme said, "Are you going to say anything? Anything at all?" "Esme Entwistle, a mom. Wow." "It's mum and all I get is 'wow?'" "Sorry. This is out of left field, way out of left field." She shook her head. "I can't say I ever saw this coming. Except maybe when you were with that Sean," she said, grinning. "Come on, be serious." "I will if you will," Freya said. Esme stared at her. "I didn't mean it that way. Have you thought about how this will work? About you and Jay? I know you guys are serious but this. This is seriously serious." Esme looked out of the window at the roofs of the houses. The regimented suburban house and the leafy trees. Could she see herself in such a place? "I know. I know it is. And I've thought about it. Sort of." Freya put her hand on Esme's. "Kitten, look at me. This isn't a sort of kind of thing. This is a child. With a crazy ass mother, and a druggy father who could turn up at any time..." "She seems like she's getting her shit together," she said, as if that would help. "And that's great. But what about you? Have you thought about, I don't know, how you'll take care of it, for example?" "I don't know. Maybe I'd go part time. Or write a book." Freya looked at her and raised an eyebrow. Esme had refused to write a book about her experience, despite offers. "Not that kind of book. One on the towns left behind. Like Uniontown and Crewe. We can get day care two days a week. I can do it." Freya paused. "Say what you're thinking, Freya." "I'm not thinking anything," she said. Esme could see the hesitation in her eyes. "I'm just picturing you a mum. Pushing a pram. Feeding it toast and marmalade." Esme smiled. "It's not Paddington bloody Bear." Then she said, "I'm serious. What is it you want to say? I'm asking because I want to know what you think, not to be validated. So just say it." Freya paused and clutched the bear to her chest. "Esme, I," pause, "am glad," pause, "you and Jay," deep breath, "have found each other." Long pause. "And you obviously love each other." Another long pause. "And I truly believe that you are," pause, "more capable of doing things than you think sometimes...." Esme got agitated, "But what? Come on!" Freya put the bear down and looked her in the eyes. "Kitten, whatever you want, I will support you 100%. But this is a huge deal. This is for keeps. Please promise me that you two will discuss this some more. And that we will. Please." Esme said, "Of course we will. I know that you think I'm a trainwreck...." Freya said, "I don't think you're a trainwreck. Amber is a trainwreck. Amanda is a slow motion trainwreck. You're just....well, you." Esme stared at her. "Meaning?" Freya sighed. "I don't mean that in a bad way." Esme wondered what 'a bad way' would be as Freya continued, "it's just...I guess...I..uh." Again she paused. "Have you talked about this with Nick and Saanvi yet?" Esme got defensive. "No. Was I supposed to?" Freya smiled. "Not before me, no. But, if I can offer my opinion...." Esme thought, 'you haven't yet?' "You should. I think there's a lot you need to deal with, if you're going to do this." Esme felt cornered, and hated that she had no place to go. "Sure, I will." "Don't lie to me, Kitten," she said, looking her in the eyes. "I know you. I know you're lying. But, if you're going to do this, you need to deal with...y'know....everything." "I know, I know," she said, wishing Freya had a bar in her room. ----- The Past, A Different Country "I'm not wearing that!" Esme pointed at the grey skirt her mum was holding up. Her body was taut, every sinew stretching. Like a cornered cat preparing to run. "Esme, we spoke about this. It's a new school. No one will recognise you." Her mother tapped her shoe. "I won't go!" She knew it was futile. "I'm not a girl. You can't make me!". The anger, the injustice was making her whole body shake. "Do I have to call your father in? He'll be late for work." Making dad late for work was considered the worst crime in their house. Sure to be harshly punished and to lead to the family being left in shame and destitution. "No." Esme spoke quietly, shaking her head a little. "No one knows you at Shavington. It's a chance to start again, but if you wear trousers they'll guess you..." Her mother's voice trailed off. "Anyway," She put on her 'chipper' voice, the one Esme had learnt to dread, "it's a chance for us all to be normal again." Esme's body sagged. Her mother smiled, "Good." She handed over the garment to the defeated teenager. The strange item of clothing held her in ways she didn't expect. Making her feel exposed even though it came down to just above her knees. "Come sit down and I'll do your hair." She followed instructions. "No, not like that. Like we discussed." Esme straightened her back as she fussed with her hair, pulling it back with some hair clips. "You have such a sweet face. Honestly no one would know." She muttered. Esme had the impression she was talking more to herself than to her. A moment after the doorbell rang. Esme shot up. "That'll be Saanvi!" She raced to the door. Her brother got there first. "Are those flowers in your hair?!" Nick laughed. He was holding the door half open. She could just about see Saanvi. She was always quiet around Nick. Esme thought she was intimidated by his height. All her brothers were short and round. "Shut up!" Saanvi moved her hands behind her back, then in front and then let them hang, although noncommittally. "You shut up, little girl." Nick pushed a piece of toast in his mouth. "Off you go. Play with your little friend. Pick some nice flowers." Esme grabbed her satchel and pushed past him. "Idiot! I hate him!" She explained to Saanvi as they left. "If you think he's bad, try four." Saanvi was right in the middle. Two older brothers and two younger. With both her parents working, she was almost a second mother to her younger brothers, yet she still managed to be at Esme's door each morning. While Esme was never ready on time. "Shit, shit, shit." Esme whispered under her breath. Saanvi took her hand, "Shav isn't so bad." Saanvi had started there last year after they'd moved house with her dad's promotion. When her dad had suggested the move, Esme had initially been excited. A chance to leave the little pricks who made her life hell behind and to be with Saanvi again. It was only later that she realised what her parents had planned. Feeling grumpy, she pulled at the hem of her skirt. "You look cute. Your hairclips really suit you." Esme noticed that Saanvi was wearing trousers. Over the day she would make a rough count. By her estimate a little over half the girls at her new school were wearing trousers. The day unfolded like a slow nightmare. Being made to stand up in form and introduce herself. All the boys in her classes staring at her. Walking down the corridors. Taller than all the other girls in her year, smaller than the boys. Neither one thing or t'other. That evening, when she came home she had just slumped in the chair in front of the TV, only grunting when her mother spoke to her. "I asked how your day went?" Her mother hovered over her. "I said 'fine'" Esme grunted. She hadn't. "So nothing happened?" Esme wasn't used to seeing her mother this nervous. Not since the first time she'd been called into the last school. "No." Esme turned to her side so she couldn't see her. "No one... suspected?" "Mum! God, no. I'm trying to watch the Worst Witch!" "Esme Entwistle!" Esme huffed. "No, no one guessed my 'secret'." "Good, good." Her mother rubbed her hands together. "Now I don't want you upsetting your father with any of this." She wandered away. Esme watched her go before turning back to the adventures of Mildred Hubble. Esme fiddled with one of her hair clips. She enjoyed the sensation of it going pop when she pushed it, and the slight pain when it pulled on her hair. Tuesday was slightly better. She had English and Art, both with Saanvi. While she was still the new girl, at least she was slightly less of a novelty. If she kept quiet and tried to stay hidden, most of her classmates ignored her. Wednesday was different. Her final lesson was also her first period of PE. Her mum had agreed with the school that she could change separately from the other girls. The cover story was that she had scarring from a chip pan fire. The PE teacher Mrs Evans led her into her small office to one side of the girls changing room. She nodded curtly at Esme and then left her. Even through the thick brick and plaster walls she could hear the other girls. Their high pitched voices were loud and excited. She pulled on the alien clothes, closing her eyes when she had to deal with the underwear. Most of the others were already outside when she'd finished. Putting on her studded boots she left her bag by the entrance like the other girls. Even the slowest of whom was now making their way out to the field. Esme felt a sense of panic. Only too aware of how far outside the group she already was. You had to pass the art block to get to the playing field. As she walked past, the kids in Technical Drawing watching her with bored fascination. On the field she was given a hockey stick and precious little protection from malicious teenage girls. The bib her team gave her was too large for her and billowed like a sail in the wind. You would have thought that being taller than most of the girls would have helped. Instead it just made her more of a target. Eventually she discovered that, by staying in defence and passing the ball as soon as she got it, she could get by mostly unnoticed. When Mrs Evans eventually blew the whistle, she trudged off the pitch, her legs covered in mud and more than one bruise. The kids in the Technical Drawing room were jumping around raucously. Probably aware that the return of the PE students meant the end of the day. When she reached the entrance, she was aware of the chatter from the other girls. It was only when they turned to look at her that she realised something was up, and she was at the centre of it. One of the girls, a small wiry girl who always followed the bigger girls around started to laugh. Another girl, almost apologetically, handed her boots bag. Esme turned it over in her hands. On one side someone had written in black marker pen, 'Freak'. She looked at it and sighed. Turning it over again she kept staring. Knowing that looking up would mean acknowledging the girls who were laughing at her. She could feel her cheeks burning red. Hot tears rolling down them. She imagined walking down the corridor. Having to stand outside Mrs Evans's office, then having to explain it all. Showing her, then her mother the shameful bag. She ran. Her escape was covered by the bell going and then the hordes of kids leaving the different classrooms. It was dark when Saanvi found her, hiding behind the large metal bins. The ones used by the school kitchens. "Hey, everyone is looking for you." She sat down next to her. "Aren't you cold?" Esme shook her head. She'd hardly even thought about the cold, even though her arms and legs were exposed. She wiped snot from her nose. "Mrs Evans was livid when Julia showed her your bag. Kept everyone in for like half an hour." Great, further isolation. Saanvi pulled her tighter, resting her head on her shoulder. "I heard your brother saying him and his mates are going to come by and beat up whoever did it. He's in Year 11!" Esme gave in and let herself be hugged. It felt slightly better to know there was someone on her side. The Present. Esme sat on her bed, legs crossed. It was early morning and the flat was quiet. Skype started making noises telling her that she was connected. "Hey!" Esme said brightly. No image appeared. "Esme?" The sound of her old friend's voice warmed her. "Saanvi. Is that you?" A moment later and her screen flickered. There she was, frozen on the screen. In the background sitting on a bed was Nick. When the image unfroze he was closer, next to his wife. She almost jumped back. "Hey!" They were both waving and smiling. She almost cried in happiness. Then she was crying anyway. "Stupid, stupid." She wiped the tears away. It took a couple of minutes for everything to calm down. They talked for a while. The weather, not good, the Australians cheating at Cricket by practicing, the government (bad). After a while Saanvi got up, "I'm going to drag that daughter of mine out of her pit." "Oh, you don't have to..." Esme felt bad. She desperately wanted Cassie to want to talk to her. Not to be forced. "Don't be daft. You've been in that there America for too long, it's softened your head. You're all she'll talk about since we got your text." "Do you think Aunty Esme would like this? Is this something Aunty Esme would wear? What's Aunty Esme's favourite band?" mimicked Nick. Saanvi laughed. Esme felt embarrassed, but better. Maybe it was a lie, but it was one she was happy to believe. "Wait, before you get her, I've got to tell you both something." They looked at each other. She noticed a note of panic in Nick's eyes. "It's nothing bad! More some advice I need." She played with her hair, remembering where the hair clips used to go. "Sure, what do you want to tell us love?" Saanvi spoke carefully. Esme took a deep breath. --- It was the first really warm day of Spring. They chose the caf? by Union Square. It was near the newstand that carried the international version of the Guardian. That and they made pancakes the way Jay liked them. The caf? had outdoor seating that looked on to the park and the farmers' market, and gave it a kind of Paris street caf? vibe. They were inside, next to an open window. Esme was wearing her black dungarees with the low cut front, a t-shirt saying 'what would Clem do?" and black sunglasses. Jay wore a plaid shirt and chinos. Jay was looking through the Times, occasionally muttering something about Trump and shaking his head. Every time he did so, Esme would look up from the review section of her paper and smile indulgently. "Refill?" The waitress nodded at their coffee cup. Esme smiled up at her and nodded. Jay said 'thanks'. After she'd left, Esme passed Jay the Weekend supplement, "You'll like this. It's a photo essay on a Roma gathering in the South of England. They take over a Butlins, that's on old style holiday camp, for like a week every year." Jay took the magazine and nodded subtly. Then he looked up at Esme and smiled, "Thanks." The food arrived and Esme made space amongst the spread out papers. The woman laid their plates down and left. A full portion for Jay, half a portion for Esme. Jay spooned his raspberries onto Esme's plate. She touched his hand. "Crossword?" He nodded. Esme found the right page and folded it so the crossword was on the top. She placed it so both of them could see. Then she took out her pen. They both leaned in as close as they could, their heads nearly touching. "Bug." "Huh?" Esme looked up. "One down, 'a secret listen