Esme Chapter 9 free porn video

Thanks to everyone at Transcripts TG Fiction for all their support and help. And thank you to everyone who has taken the time to leave reviews. We really appreciate it. Chapter 9 Ethan and Esme stood aside, watching Jay and Stef talking. The sky above was a weak but clear blue. "Maybe we should go somewhere. Maybe get coffee?" Ethan nodded. She assumed he knew what Stef and Jay were talking about and no more wanted to intrude than she did. There was a queue for the coffee stand and they stood at the back. In front of Esme was a short man dressed for work even though it was a Sunday. He spoke loudly into his phone. Her attention had so been on the businessman, who didn't seem to think a girl in the office was a 'team player', that she was taken by surprise when Ethan spoke. "You've met Amber haven't you?" She had to look up. He really was tall. "Twice. Once sort of by accident and the other at Christmas." "Did it go well?" "The first time she punched Jay, the next time she just stormed out." "So an improvement then?" They both laughed. "Families," he shook his head. Esme thought of her parents and then wondered what her brother was doing just then. They ordered four coffees and a small bag of jelly donuts then returned to the edge of the park. They could see them in the distance. Esme watched Jay closely, he didn't seem to be able to stand still. Taking off the plastic lid, she blew on her coffee. They found a bench and sat down. Neither talked. Esme imagined Ethan was also trying to figure out what was being said. Eventually, the siblings turned around and began walking back to them. Esme felt the butterflies in her stomach. They settled slightly when she saw Jay put an arm around his sister's shoulders, and Stef put her arms around his middle. It lasted only for a few seconds but spoke words of peace. "Hey," said the siblings. "Hey," said the partners. For a moment, nothing else was said. Then they moved on. "So what does everyone want to do today?" Stef clapped her hands together, reminding Esme of a primary school teacher she once had. "What time's your coach?" "The bus?" Ethan said, laughing. "Coach makes it sound classier." Esme smiled and raised an eyebrow. He continued, "11.55pm. A red eye." Esme laughed to herself, thinking that if New York in the day scared him, Port Authority at night would push him over the edge. They talked about the different things to see in New York, many of which she hadn't seen despite her ten years in the city. Each made her feel tired as she imagined the travel and effort involved. "Or we could go back to Jay's. Listen to music, pick up some food, drink beer?" Ethan piped up, "Could we go see the Empire State Building?" Jay and Esme laughed and he continued, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. It's totally touristy but I've always wanted to see it. Please? Then we can drink beer." Something in his pleading tone made them break down. "Sure," Jay mumbled. Esme smiled and said, "My friend Jessica works there. She once told me how she gets discount tickets and gets to cut the line too. Let me call her. She has a baby so I'm not sure we'll be able to catch her but it's worth a shot." She took out her phone and walked away. She came back, smiling. "We're in luck. She said that she has to head into the office in a little bit to pick up some files. She'll meet us there in an hour, in the lobby." Jay looked none too pleased. He pulled her aside and whispered, "You couldn't lie?" Esme laughed and whispered, "Oh come on. I've never been. You?" "There's a reason for that." "At least, we'll get to cut the line," she said, leaning into him and putting her hands in his back pockets. "Come on. They're looking at us." Stef came over to Esme. "Thanks for calling. I know you think it's stupid..." "Not at all," she lied. "He wants to see it. I've never been." "Really?" "No. I'll have to see whether anyone I know has." She made a note to ask Jason. He was from here. She'd never been to Old Trafford. An hour later, they were in the lobby when Esme heard, "Esme, over here!" She turned and saw Jess, in a blue button down shirt over a University of Wisconsin t shirt, puffer jacket, jeans and boots with a low heel, pushing a stroller. She leaned over slightly, so that Jess could give her a kiss. "Thanks for doing this." "Please." Jess looked at Jay and grinned, "So you must be the famous Jay." Jay turned red, to his sister's giggles, which got her a glare. Which elicited more giggles. "Umm..." Jess smiled and touched his arm, "I'm teasing. I'm Jessica, Jessica Silverman. It's nice to meet you in person." Esme leaned down to the stroller. "And you must be the famous Zachary," she said, as if the six month old was going to somehow respond. He gave her a big smile. Jess laughed, "Stop flirting, Zachy," and then turned to Stefanie and Ethan. "Hi, I'm Jess." Stef smiled. Esme noticed that she looked at the baby, but didn't acknowledge him. "I'm Stefanie, Jay's sister, and this is my boyfriend Ethan." Ethan turned to Jessica and said, with a big grin, "I went to Ohio State." Jess smiled and said, "Sorry?" "I said I went to Ohio State." Jess smiled and said, "I heard you the first time...so is this your first time here?" Stef said, "Yes, for both of us. Thank you for doing this." "Please. I'm glad to." They went up the escalator, bypassing the crowds each time Jess flashed her id card. She shrugged, "perk of the job. Almost makes up for coming into the office on weekends." They got to the security checkpoint and the guard looked at Jess. "You have to put the stroller through the x-ray." "Ah shit...cover your ears, Zachy," she said to laughter. She took the baby out and held him in one arm, while trying fruitlessly to fold the stroller. Esme could hear the grumbles behind her. "Do you want me to take him, while you do that?" Jess smiled and handed him over. "Thanks. I don't want to be THAT woman." Esme smiled uncertainly at Zach. "Hello there, Zachary. You'll be back with mum soon..." By this point, Jess had the stroller on the conveyor. She turned to Jay, Stef and Ethan. "Mum? British accents make everything sound so much classier," she laughed. "Very funny, Jess," Esme said, starting to hand the baby back. He rested his head on her shoulder, and she smiled. "Uh oh, Jay," Stef said. "I think you have some competition." Jay just smiled. They went up in the elevator and Jess put a pacifier in the baby's mouth. "Prevents his ears from popping. I learned this the hard way," she said, laughing. They went to the 86th Floor and Jessica took Stef's hand and began showing her and Ethan around, pointing out all the landmarks and places they saw, interspersed with questions to Ethan and Stef about what they did and how they met, at a rapid clip. Jess gave Esme, who still held the baby, a look when Stef said she was a pediatric nurse. Esme saw a look of confusion on Ethan's face. "When do you breathe?" he asked Jess, laughing. Jess smiled. "It's overrated. OK," she said, as they faced east. "Those are, from south to north, the Brooklyn, Manhattan and Williamsburg bridges. B,M, W, easy way to remember. That little body of water, That's Newtown Creek, separates Brooklyn and Queens." She turned to Esme. "You're in Bushwick, right?" Esme nodded. "Anyway, just south of that is where Esme lives...or her stuff is," she teased. Esme felt like she was blushing. "Sorry, Esme," Jess said, to laughs from the other three. "So, what do you want in the background of your picture?" "Huh?" Jay said. He had been silently watching Jess give the tour for most of the time. He seemed agitated. "The four of you. You're up here. You can't not take a picture." She looked around. "The Chrysler Building. Go stand over there," she said, herding them. "OK, Zachy, back in the stroller," she said, taking the baby. He seemed none too pleased. He fussed and then fell asleep. She smiled, "Good, I'll be able to get some work done." Jess took everyone's phone and took the pictures. "Let me know if they're OK." They finished and went downstairs. "Thank you again," Stef said, as Jess gave her, then Ethan a kiss. "We really appreciate it." "You're welcome." She turned to Jay. "Very nice to finally meet you. Is everything OK?" Jay looked surprised. "Huh?" "You seemed out of it up there. If there's any way that I can help..." Jay said, "Thanks. Everything is fine. We should get going. Thanks for this though." He leaned over and gave Zach a little fist bump, well, a finger bump. "She's mine," he said laughing. Jess smiled, "You're welcome. I'll see you Wednesday, Esme." And she gave her a kiss. Esme felt everyone looking at her and thought, 'fuck it.' She leaned over and gently kissed the sleeping baby. "Very nice meeting you, Zachary." Then she mock-glared at Jess. "See you Wednesday. Troublemaker." ----- Stef and Esme stood in the kitchen. Every single ingredient had been put out on the counters. They looked at them hoping for inspiration. From the living room, they could hear Jay's Spotify playlist and the sound of talking. "Of course, we're doing the cooking. No reason to share," Esme muttered, mostly to herself. "Hmm?" "The boys, in the living room," Esme tried to explain. "What?" Stef looked worried. "Do you think they're not getting along?" Esme placed a hand on her arm. "They're fine. Jay says he likes Ethan." She watched Stef deflate in relief. Stef directed and Esme followed. Peeling potatoes, chopping vegetables. They talked. Past boyfriends. Esme edited Max and wondered what Stef was editing out of her own history. Soon they were laughing. The kitchen was cramped and they were often forced to brush past each other. It was a different type of physicality than what she'd had shared with her brother, but she recognised it nonetheless. Jay came to the door. "Getting more beer. You need any help?" Stef turned to him. "Your ears burning?" "No." Jay looked worried. "Should they be?" The women laughed. Esme, taking pity on him, went over and kissed her on the cheek. "Go back into the living room, lovely. We're bonding." "That's...terrifying." Jay joked. "Leave." Stef shooed him away. "Go make friends with Ethan." Esme said more diplomatically. When he left, she turned to Stef, "It's like they're on a playdate." Stef laughed and turned away. When she knew she wasn't being watched, she looked towards the doorway and smiled to herself. They sat on the couch, eating and talking. The sky turned red before they got up again. Esme stayed sat on the couch, feeling redundant, as she watched Ethan and Stef moving around, looking for phone chargers and errant socks. Jay stood up and watched as well, his face impassive. Esme watched him for a while before he realised she was looking, then she turned away. --- It started with a tweet. And then it became a storm. By 10am, she had to turn her phone off. It didn't matter if it was a supportive message from Kiwi&Bi or an accusation of 'libtard media bias' from someone calling themselves ToiletReader. It was all part of the same meltdown. It was one of the rare nights she'd spent at her place and not Jay's. Enjoying being able to spread out and listen to music. She'd still been feeling the warm glow from Stef's visit. Freya was waiting for her when she got to the office door. "Are you OK? MM wants to see you. Do you need anything?" Her words seemed to blur into one. "I'm fine." And for once she really thought she was. "How bad is it?" Freya took a deep breath. "Let's go see MM." The editor was in his office surrounded by people. She recognised the lawyer, Mike, from the clean water story. "Esme," MM sighed, seeing her through the open door. "Come in." Feeling like a trained puppy being brought out for Christmas, she took a seat. "So this is about my story on subway delays, I assume," she joked. Six pairs of eyes looked back at her. "We've heard," was all MM said as he sat down. "It would have been nice to have had a heads up." Esme nodded, she should have told them. Why hadn't she? Had she just hoped it would go away? "Look Esme, I want you to know we support you. Frankly I don't care if you are LGBTQ or GOP. It's all the same to me. But when we don't know what's coming, we can't protect you." Sandra, the advertising woman, spoke up. "I'll say this, we've never had a viewing spike like this. Not since Trump won." She was smiling at Esme, which unnerved her. "But what about Esme? What if one of these crazy idiots who've been leaving comments..." Freya's eyes darted between MM and the head of marketing. Esme wondered if anyone else could pick up on the note of panic at the edges of her friend's voice. "We've discussed that," the lawyer said. "We're hiring a bodyguard for her." "What!?" Esme looked at their faces, having to suppress the urge to laugh. "Come on. It's not like I'm getting death threats." The others remained silent. "What? Really? Does anyone really care that much?" MM leaned forward and massaged temples of his forehead. "Comet Ping Pong." It took Esme a second to remember that was the pizza place in DC that some lunatic shot up because of a supposed sex ring in its non- existent basement. "Come on. How serious could it be? It's probably one of those 400 pound guys in their basement. Apart from needing a shower and a girl, he's not going to be a real problem." The lawyer spoke up again. "We've had five so far. Two are probably what you describe. But the other three," and he pushed a laptop in front of her, "came from this site." She recognised it. 'LibertyWatch'. She'd come across their posts before, usually when looking for a quote from the so-called Alt Right. Her skin crawled to think of them discussing her. "Oh." Freya was by her side. "What do we need to do?" "Stay calm." Esme found herself hyperventilating. "Shall I get Jay?" Freya asked. Esme nodded, putting her head in her hands. She sat in the office watching others go by. Occasionally, someone would look her way. It reminded her of waiting outside the school nurse's office as a kid, waiting to be collected. She saw Jay coming from across the office. His face grim and set. "What did they say?" "I've got to wait here till the police arrive. Then they are getting me a bodyguard." Her body slumped. "Has anyone spoken to Bob and Lorraine?" "I called. They are fine, worried about you." Esme nodded. It was like she was sitting on the bottom of a swimming pool listening to him shouting from above. "Did you tell them I'm sorry?" "No," he said. "And they're not thinking that." She was unconvinced. She had been surprised that no one leaked it before and now she had. She started to cry. "I hate this. I hate what I've done to them, just so I could get a story." She could feel everyone in the office moving around them, like the sea around a shipwreck. He hugged her close. "You were trying to help. The woman knew who you were from the beginning." She felt stung. "Meaning what?" He paused. "Nothing. Meaning she screwed you over." She wiped her eyes and looked at him, "Not like what I did to the Jankowskis," she said, moving away from him. "That's not what I meant," he said. "I know that you didn't mean to hurt them." "But I did," she all but yelled. "I did and you think I did! Just say it!" "I'm not saying anything, because I don't think anything." She turned away from him. "Leave me alone. Go away." "No," he said. "You don't get to say no. You get to go away. Go away. What can you do anyway?" "I'll stand over there," he said. "Until the cops come. But I won't talk to you, if that's what you want." She didn't know what she wanted, other than to not be here. ---- She sat at home, lying in bed and staring at the ceiling. She had put on her headphones but Spotify played Getting Away With It by Electronic. Even music was betraying her. Her phone buzzed. She had planned to ignore it but saw the name. "Hey," she said. "How are you?" "Not important. How are you doing?" Saanvi asked. "It's made it there?" A stupid question, given the tone of Saanvi's voice. She heard a sigh. "Sorry, that was stupid. How are Nick and Cassie doing?" She heard a pause. "Nick is angry..." Esme felt nauseous. "At me?" "No no no. At the mother of the boy. At the press. At the world." She paused again. "He loves you, Esme, no matter what you think." "I never thought he didn't love me," she lied. She remembered how he pushed her away when it happened. Intellectually, she understood. His little brother had become a girl. It wasn't reasonable to expect him to deal with that. But still. Saanvi laughed. "I was there, Esme. Remember?" In spite of herself, she laughed and then said, "And Cassie?" "This is a lot for her, Esme," she said. "She meets her mysterious aunt after thirteen years and..." Esme could picture her fumbling for words. "And she's her uncle. I get it. Please ask her not to hate me." She felt the tears welling in her eyes and took a deep breath. "She doesn't hate you, Esme. She's just, well, processing everything. You were the cool aunt and all." Esme felt a gut punch at 'were.' "Please tell her I love her and I'm sorry." Saanvi said, a little too sharply, "you have nothing to apologize for." "Yeah, well, anyway....do I dare ask what they have to say about this?" "Who the fuck cares what they think?" Her answer told Esme what they thought. "Seriously, she's been told, by your brother," and she laughed, "to not say a word about this or they don't see Cassie." "Wow." Saanvi laughed, "And you think he doesn't love you." Esme smiled, remembering when an older boy tripped her on the pitch. Esme (well, Philip) was crying and Nick came over and punched the older boy. Then, he turned to her and said, 'stop crying. You're embarrassing me.' "You still haven't answered me. How are you doing?" "Fucking awful. Every fucking troll in the world is out there commenting. And I'm a freak at work. And they're assigning me a fucking bodyguard." It felt good to say something. Maybe it was the fact that she had been there from the beginning or because she was in England or because she really didn't know Saanvi, well adult Saanvi, all that well, but the words came gushing out in a way she hadn't expected. "A fucking bodyguard? Are you fucking kidding me?" Saanvi sounded horrified. "That's it. I'm sending you a plane ticket. You cannot stay there. Whatever else, there's not some lunatic with a machine gun around the corner here." Esme smiled and said, "I appreciate the offer but you don't need that. Besides, it's bollocks. They're just being alarmist, if you ask me. These areseholes can't get it up to wank off, much less shoot me. I will be fine." --- The house was silent when they arrived. Esme was too tired to think. She watched silently while Jay found the extra blankets and prepared the spare room. "They're not here, are they?" "They're both on shift. They'll be here," he said, moving her gently to the bed. He started to take her shirt off and, for a moment, she let him. Eventually, she pushed him away, climbing into the bed and pulling the covers up. "Want something to drink?" he said, from the doorway. "Tea? Coffee? Hot chocolate? Maybe, hot chocolate is best." "K," she said. When she woke, she was alone in the room. Grey light creeped in through the narrow space between the curtains. It took her awhile but eventually she managed to push herself up. Next to the bed was a mug. She could see a skin had formed on the now cold hot chocolate. She didn't remember him coming back up. She swung her legs out of the bed, and saw that she was wearing only her underpants and a large blue t-shirt with the logo of the Pittsburgh Penguins on the front. Running a hand through her hair, she couldn't remember Jay giving it to her. Her legs felt uncertain beneath her, like she was on a boat. She walked to the door and heard voices downstairs. She moved as quietly as she could, to the top of the stairs, to try and listen. "Jeez, Ma," he heard Jay say. "It's not like that." Come on, you're a nurse." She was afraid to know what 'that' it was not like. Then, she heard Amber's voice. Great. "Anne Conley's son used to wear panties under his jeans. Then they found him in one of her dresses and next thing you know he's splattered under a truck on 119. Now, Anne's all about the rainbow pin." Esme could hear the smirk in her voice. "Amber, stop," his mother said, in a mix of firmness and exasperation. "Is she OK, Jaybird?" She heard Jay's voice, but couldn't make out the words. She went back to the room and found an old bathrobe, that was several sizes too big. She paused and decided to make the bed first. She took a deep breath and went down the stairs. There was frost on the kitchen windows. Esme could see the patterns the crystals had made. Jay was sat at the table but got up and moved to her as she entered. She had the feeling that he'd been glaring at his sister before she entered. Jay's mother had her back to her, standing over the stove. "Esme! Oh we were so worried." She hadn't expected to see Stef, and appreciated the hug. "Oh, so you're best friends now." Amber was leaning against the counter, her arms folded. Esme could see how the room was divided. Her, Jay and Stef on one side. Amber on the other. And Margaret in the middle. Stef looked at her. "Yes, Am, we are. We visited them last month." "We?" Amber's legs were now crossed as well. "Who's we?" Stef's voice faltered slightly, but then she regained composure. "We. My boyfriend Ethan and me." Esme looked out of the corner of her eye at Margaret, who hunched up her shoulders. "Your boyfriend? Isn't that nice," she sneered. "And you told them first, of course." "Stop, Am. Jay's my brother. And Esme's his girlfriend." She saw Amber smirk at that, and then Margaret glare at her. Esme went over to the stove. Margaret's shoulders were shaking and she debated whether to put her arms around her. Instead, she went with, "May I help with breakfast," and she debated between 'Margaret' and 'Mrs. O'Neill.' Margaret half turned, but didn't make eye contact. "It's fine, dear. How does everyone want their eggs," she said, in a falsely happy voice. Esme could see the tears in the corner of her eyes. Esme put her hand on her shoulder. "Sit. I can do this. Jay came to see you, to spend time with you." Stef looked at her and smiled. Esme said, with a smile, "Stop it. I can make eggs, you know. Well, scrambled or fried, at least." Margaret smiled and sat down next to Jay. Stef and Amber moved slowly to the table and sat, Amber never taking her eyes off of Esme. Esme finished the scrambled eggs then joined them at the table. "So." They were all still watching her. She closed her eyes and tried to think for a moment. She thought of the cold kitchen in the home she grew up in. Things that had gone unspoken. "Ask me anything you want." Amber looked a little shocked. "Anything?" "Anything. Although I can't promise you'll like all the answers." Jay ostentatiously took hold of her hand and squeezed it for all of them to see. "So, you're a guy," Amber said, with a smirk. Stef smacked her. "What?" "I am genetically male, yes. I had, I have XY chromosomes..." She saw Margaret tear up again. "But I have a condition called Late Onset Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome. That means my body doesn't respond to certain hormones like testosterone." "Yet another thing you and my brother have in common," Stef said. "Sorry about that. That was wrong." Margaret said, "Couldn't they have given you hormone replacement therapy? I know there's the cancer risks in menopause, but I would think...as a parent, I mean..." Jay said, "Ma, don't you think..." Esme put her hand on his. "No, it's a reasonable question. I've asked it myself. Unfortunately, no, they couldn't." She took a deep breath and continued. "It wasn't a lack of testosterone. It's more like, well, I mean, our body goes through a series of changes dictated by what androgens it produces. But," she said, feeling stupid. "You two would know that. I mean, it happens first in the womb, when some...of us.. have a Y chromosome and things like that. And then, in puberty, when we start to develop, um..." Margaret looked down at her chest and laughed half- heartedly. "Sorry, this isn't a speech I give very often." 'Or at all', she thought. "Look, I don't really understand it all. I mean, some people think gender's a sliding scale. Me, I think it's a Venn diagram, with all these different circles. There's a genetic circle, and an appearance circle, and sexuality, and the shape of your genitals." She couldn't look at any of them, and stared at the top of her coffee cup. "Well, anyway, for most people, the circles overlap. Me, Aiden, the boy in Ohio." She felt for him but after what his mother did, she couldn't use his name. "Does that make any sense?" Jay squeezed her hand and she wanted to cry. "So, well, I mean, you're how do I say this..all woman now?" Margaret stammered. Jay and Stef said, "Ma," in unison. "It's OK," Esme said. "Yes, Margaret, I am. I had surgery when I was younger." "Are you gay, Jaybird?" Margaret asked, to Stef and Amber's barely held in laughter. Jay leaned over and flicked them both on the ear. "Ma..." "It's a reasonable question. And, to be clear, I'm fine with it." "So are we, Jay," Amber laughed. "Maybe we can get a discount if we buy a bunch of rainbow pins." In spite of herself, Esme laughed. "Look at the way he dresses. He's not." Amber said, matter of factly, "Whatever he is, you're not really a woman. Not on the inside." "Amber," Margaret yelled. "Enough!" Esme said, "No I said ask anything and I meant it. No, I'm not. I don't have a uterus. I don't have periods. I can't get pregnant." Jay put his hand on hers, as the room fell silent. She knew he knew. She had told him but that was then. Tears started forming in Amber's eyes. Esme hadn't expected that reaction. "Lucky fucking you. Lucky fucking you," she said, pushing away from the table. --- They spent most of the rest of the day driving around Uniontown. Jay drove as Esme stared out at the grey streets. They had told Margaret they were looking for Amber, but for the most part they were aimless. Stef had said that if Amber didn't want to be found, she wouldn't be. Around lunch time, they stopped at a Dunkin' Donuts near the interstate. The artificial light hurt Esme's eyes. "You're quiet." "Uh huh." "Everything OK?" She took a sip of her coffee and gave him a look. "Sorry, stupid question. How are you holding up?" She took a chunk of her donut and dipped it in her coffee. The consistency of the dough softened and part of it broke off and disappeared into the black. "I'm OK. Don't keep asking." She saw the hurt look on his face. "I'll talk when I'm ready." To be honest, she didn't know how she felt. She could remember when her uncle had been in a car crash, maybe a year after her change had begun. Sitting in various hospitals, outside rooms where her parents had been talking to doctors. The plastic seats, the empty canteen and cold chips. Not knowing how to feel about the uncle who used to pointedly boast about how well his sons were doing. After he'd recovered, when he'd come around she'd hide in her room. At first, her mother had tried to get her to come down. After the first few times, she just gave up. Instead, Esme just sat in her room, playing her brother's old Nintendo. "Where do you want to try next?" Wanting to be helpful. Jay shrugged. "We could try the high school. She used to hang out under the bleachers. Maybe she went back there. A lot of the stoners do." "That sounds good." She couldn't hide her interest. "I mean, as good a place to start as anywhere." School was out and the playing fields were empty. The tiered seating, what Americans called 'bleachers', looked worn and battered by the elements. There was a banner saying 'Go Titans,' hanging half off of them, its edges frayed. "Did you play?" "Hockey, not football." He had his hands pushed into his jacket pockets. "Did you ever try out?" He shook his head. "I never had the size." He looked sideways at her. "What about you? Did you play for the girls soccer team or something?" "They put me on the girls hockey team for a while, after the..." Her voice tailed off. She caught his expression. "Not that type of hockey. A sport they play on firm ground. Sort of between your hockey and lacrosse." "Field hockey," he said with a smile. "Did you stick with it?" "It was pretty vicious. Teenage girls with sticks and hard balls. Try playing on gravel, in the North of England, during winter in a short skirt." "Are there pictures?" Jay laughed. "Shut up!" She hit his arm, but not hard, "Anyway, it didn't last long. Some of the girls complained. They didn't want to share a changing room with me." "So they threw you off?!" Jay was indignant. Instinctively, she touched his hand. "I asked to be taken off. I joined the computer club and learned to code instead. The nerds were way more accepting." She smiled remembering the IT room and the safety it had provided during breaks. Jay had stopped, sighing. Esme wondered if he'd given up the ghost of finding Amber. "We should head back," he sighed again, still not looking at her. When he turned back to her, she could see the lack of sleep in his eyes. So many problems, none he could fix. She took hold of the lapels of his jacket, feeling the fabric through her thin knitted gloves. "Don't Americans make out underneath the bleachers?" "When you're a kid," he smiled, pulling her close. "Who did you bring under here?" She looked up at the slotted wood and metal structure above them. "Not that many," he said, grinning. "There was more than one?" She pretended to be scandalised. "Just a couple," he smiled, then paused, "Or a few." "You grew up in a Nancy Drew novel!" She stood on tiptoes and kissed him. "Or was it more like the Breakfast Club?" "More like Mad Max. Anyway, what about you Hermione? Did they teach you potions and spells?" She looked down at her trainers and muttered, "My school was more like Animal Farm than Harry Potter." "I didn't fit in either." "Awww," she stroked his hair, "I bet you were the cool, moody kid. All the little girls running after you in their cheerleader uniforms." "More like one of your computer nerds." He pulled her close and they kissed again. ---- "We have to do this?" Esme said at the staff meeting. "No, we don't," MM said, almost showing concern and compassion. "This will blow over soon enough. You don't need to do this." Sandra said, "Yes, she does," not addressing Esme directly. "Confront this head on. It will be," and she paused. Esme was waiting for something like 'huge,' 'great,' 'the most downloads ever.' Instead, she said, "the right thing to do. The sooner you face it, the sooner it goes away." The looks MM and Freya gave her said that they disagreed. Esme looked around the room. "I'm going to call Aiden's doctor at Presbyterian. If we're going, if I'm going to do this, I want this done right. Let this be a serious discussion about what it all means. We have an hour. We can cover this the right way." MM held up his hand, "Obviously. How are we going to cover... the kids?" Esme thought about her promise to the Jankowskis. "We aren't," she said. Sandra said, "We have to cover them. They are part of the story," Freya piped in. "No, they aren't. The condition is the story." Sandra looked at her, as if she found lint on her jacket. "You weren't asked." Esme said, "It's very simple. They will not be mentioned by name. They are children. I am ready to do this, but that's my rule. Take it or leave it." Freya looked at her like that was a mistake and she continued. "Those...kids aren't relevant. What's relevant is why, how this happens. Why the three of us have it and that's what we need to discuss. I am an adult and can handle whatever gets said. They can't and," she took a deep breath, "I won't make them, no matter what the child in Ohio's mother did to me." MM looked at Sandra and then said, "Esme, Freya, excuse us." They went into the hall and Freya turned to her, "Are you really sure that you want to do this?" Esme smiled, "No, but I need to do this." ---- Esme struggled up the stairs with two full grocery bags, and a smaller bag under held in her armpit. Mentally, she was trying to figure out how to get the keys to Jay's flat out of her coat pocket. She had gone all the way to Cobble Hill to get the ingredients to make osso bucco and antipasto for Jay, a reward for him meeting his targets at the gym. Underneath her arm was the new underwear she'd bought. She'd planned to be ready for him when he got home from his flight. He'd been away on a freelance assignment all week. Some piece on transgender models in London. Her mind distracted, she nearly tripped over the body in the doorway. "Fuck-." She just managed to stop everything going everywhere. The woman was wearing a grey hoodie. Despite her face being covered Esme could see her eyes were red and puffy. "Amber?" She scrambled to get up and embrace Esme. "E-Esme." She almost dropped her bags when Amber hugged her. She'd half expected her to go for the jugular. "Hey Amber, what brings you here?" There went her plans for the evening. It had been a long week. "Jay didn't say anything about you visiting." Amber pushed back the hood and wiped her eyes. "I got here this morning." She sniffed. The look she gave Esme was half defiant and half a rabbit learning about myxomatosis for the first time. "You've been sitting there since the morning?" Amber nodded. "You must be starving. Here, take these." She handed Amber the grocery bags, keeping a tight grip on the other one, then unlocked the door. "Coffee, toast? I've got bagels." And there goes the late breakfast she'd been planning. Amber just nodded, seemingly struck dumb. From the kitchen, Esme watched as Amber paced back and forwards. Twice, she made an attempt to sit down. Neither time lasted more than a minute. Esme had the impression she was rehearsing some big speech. Sitting down, she watched as Amber pecked at her bagel and sipped her coffee. She ate like a small bird picking at a fallen fruit. To Esme, she seemed nothing like the Amber of Uniontown. Back there, it had seemed like that Amber was trying to consume the whole of the world in one go. "What's up, Am?" Esme leaned forward a little. Amber shook her head and retreated slightly. "Sorry. I should wait till Jay is here." Taking a deep breath, Esme nodded. There goes the whole weekend. "Look here's the TV remote. We've got cable and Netflix. Have a flick through. I'm going to call Jay, see where he is." Amber nodded seemingly happy. "Er... thanks Esme." She stopped and seemed to turn pale. "I'm sorry for being such a bitch. In the past I mean." Fuck, this was going to be bad. Esme placed a hand on her shoulder. "That's fine. I know how much your brother means to you. To both of us." And he better get here fucking quickly. She went to the bedroom and called him. It went straight to voicemail. Was he stuck in customs, still on the aeroplane? She hoped he was in the taxi and he'd just forgotten to turn it back on. When she returned to the living room Amber was still aimlessly flicking through Netflix. "Is this any good?" She shrugged, "Glow? Yeah it's funny." They'd binge-watched it in bed a few weekends ago. Jay was still threatening to get her a wrestling costume. "Oh, you've seen it? I'll find something else." "No, no really. You'll love it. I'm going to be up and down anyway." Amber turned and smiled at her. Had she been crying while Esme had been out of the room? They sat in silence, apart from occasionally pointing out the actors who had also been in Mad Men. Every now and then, Esme would look at Amber's face, lit by the light from the screen. Esme's phone buzzed. Jay: 'Got yr message. What? Amber in NY??? Everything OK???' As discreetly as she could Esme returned the message. 'Won't tell me till you get here but she doesn't appear hurt. Where R U?' A few moments later the phone buzzed again. 'Traffic. But not far now.' They watched two more episodes before Esme heard the sound of the key in the lock. "Hey Am," Jay said, abruptly, ignoring Esme "What's up?" He dropped his bags where he stood. "Nice to see you too, Jay. I can't come visit?" "You can," he said, picking up his lenses and camera bodies and putting them on the table. "But some notice would have been nice." Esme looked at Jay. She wanted to ask him how his week had been. What he'd done, who he'd seen. "So, what's going on?" "Can I have a glass of water first?" Amber said. Her voice was angry but Esme noticed her shrinking back in her chair. Esme went to the refrigerator and poured her a glass. Amber took off her coat and sat down on Jay's brown leather chair. The one Esme would curl up in and read a book. For some reason, it reminded her of him, more so than his clothes or his books. "You guys should sit," Amber said. "Fuck, Amber. What's going on?" Jay said, angrily. Esme took his hand and rubbed the top. "What happened this time?" "Enough, Jay. Calm down." Esme glanced at Amber, " Whatever it is..." Different scenarios raced through her mind. Amber the fugitive from the law, trying to sneak across the border into Canada. Maybe she was off to join the military and this was her last weekend before shipping out. Or perhaps she was on the run from the mafia... Esme resolved to watch less crappy drama. "Thank you Esme," Amber said, in an exasperated tone, never taking her eyes off of her brother. She took a sip of the water and put it down on the table, sliding a magazine under it. It made her think of Margaret...and her mother. Even a cheap table needed coasters. "So, anyway, you guys know Ilya...or know about him anyway." Esme squeezed Jay's hand to warn him to stay calm. It worked. Esme said, "We've heard, yes. What's happened?" Amber sighed. "I...uh...jeez, this is hard...but I..." She stared at the floor and started to cry. Esme looked at Jay and tilted her head towards Amber. After a few seconds, he got the message and went over to her. He put his arm around her. "What is it, Am? What did he do? Are you in trouble? Whatever it is, we can get a lawyer...." Esme wondered how he, or how they, would pay for this lawyer. Amber, her face buried in his shoulder, sniffled, "It's not that kind of trouble, Jay." A look of recognition came over his face, then Esme's. "Holy fuck, Am. Are you serious? Seriously?" "Yes, Jay," she said, morphing into the pissed off Amber Esme knew...and feared. "Of course, I'm fucking serious. Would I drive six hours for a joke? Asshole." He hugged her tightly. "Sorry, Am. This is just...well...kind of...well..." Amber laughed slightly. "You think so?" Esme, unsure if she should say something, said. "So, uh, how far along are you?" Amber said. "About a month and a half, I think." "How are you feeling?" "Sick. Puking a lot. Luckily, when everyone thinks you're a drunk, you can cover it up," she joked. Jay snapped, "That's not funny, Am." She pulled away. "It's a joke, asshole. What kind of piece of shit do you think I am? Fucking Christ, Jay. I'm pregnant. Do you really think I would do that to a baby? Really? Nice to know that my brother thinks I'm a piece of fucking shit." She reached for her coat and Esme got up. "Wait," Esme said, quietly. "Please don't go. I think that your brother was just..." Amber interrupted. "Being a dick?" Esme smiled. "Well, that too. I was going to say, 'a bit overwhelmed' but being an arsehole," and she looked at Jay, "is a solid second place. Don't you agree, Jaybird?" Which made Amber laugh and Jay mumble. "Please sit, Amber. Please don't go." Amber sat down and Esme continued. "I guess we were both surprised and..." Amber softened. "I know. And I haven't given you any reason to think I wouldn't," she said. "But come on Jay, you really think I would do that to a kid? Really? Come on. Am I really that big of a fuck up?" Jay mumbled, "Sorry, Am. So what are you going to, like, do? I mean are you planning on..." Amber looked at him and sighed. "I know what I should do, but I can't. Stupid church." "You know we'll stand behind you a hundred percent," Jay said, never letting go of her. "Yeah, well, anyway...I can't." "It's your decision. So does Ma know? Stef?" "No! And you can't tell them!" Jay looked at her. "Oh, yeah. Like I would do that? No, we're even. I think you're a drunk and you think I'm an idiot," and he rubbed his knuckle into her arm, which made her giggle. She pulled her arm away. "Dick," she said, with affection. "And you're sure Ilya is the father?" "Christ, Jay. I'm a drunk. Not a whore. Yeah, me and Ilya were exclusive. Well, I was, at least." "Have you told him?" "Yeah," she said, tearing up again. "And he kept up the Stepanik O'Neill tradition of deadbeat assholes..." "That's bullshit," Jay said. "I'm talking to him! He can't do this!" Amber laughed. "My hero." Despite the derisory tone, she smiled. "I don't want him involved. Come on. Fucking John. Fucking Bill. Let's up our game and have a wannabe drug dealer shithead for a dad! Maybe let's stop that shit for this generation?" "So, what are you going to do?" "That's why I'm here." Esme looked at her and said, "I don't understand." Amber replied, "I know I can't abort this kid. And I know I can't raise it. I can't take care of myself, much less a baby. I may not be the smartest person in the world but I'm not stupid..." "No one ever said you were," Jay mumbled. "Let me finish Jay. So what are my options?" Esme sat mute. She felt like she was watching them on TV. She remembered a kid at her school, James. James had a dad who used to drive him to school everyday. He was one of those super competitive dads who didn't seem to mind bawling out his child in front of all of James's friends. The poor boy was bullied pretty mercilessly for it. Funny enough, Esme had envied him. At least his dad had cared enough to humiliate him. Jay said, "You could put it up for adoption?" Amber laughed, a harsh laugh. "You really see Ma letting that happen?" "It's not her decision." "Yeah, well, I couldn't do that to her. And I can't keep it. Ma's too old to be starting with a baby. And you ever see the kids raised by grandmas? They end up fucked up." Jay laughed, "As opposed to us?" Amber laughed back. "We're not that fucked up. And you're not really all that fucked up." Esme laughed. "Don't be so sure." Amber smiled and rubbed Jay's arm with her knuckle, which Esme found strangely affectionate. "Nah, he isn't." Jay looked confused. "So what can I do?" She took a deep breath. "I want you two to take it." Esme spoke first. "What?" Amber took a deep breath. "I know this is a lot to drop on you..." Jay started to speak, and Esme and Amber both held up their hands. "But I want this kid to have a chance. To have something more than I did. To get the fuck out of Uniontown." Jay said, "So, wait, we're supposed to take your kid, so you can keep partying and doing whatever it is you do? Fuck." Amber snapped and started to cry again. "No Jay! That's not it! That's not it all! I'm done with that shit. I want to get the fuck out of Uniontown. Charisse said her sister can get me a job in Florida. If I can do that..." "Jesus, Am....this is....fuck....I...." Esme came over and rubbed his leg. "Just promise me you'll at least think about it. Please," she said, with pleading in her voice. "You two are the best shot this kid has." Esme couldn't stop herself laughing. They both stared at her and she said, "I'm sorry. I am truly sorry. I just was thinking that," and she paused, to come up with something that didn't make her sound like a total bitch, "if your brother is someone's best shot, the end is nigh." Nobody laughed although Amber gave a brief smile. "I'm serious. You both graduated college and have good jobs." Someone hadn't been following the latest news in the print industry. She looked at Esme and said, "You're smart. I listen to your podcast and you're smart..." "Er, thank you," she said. "I'm not sure that qualifies me to raise a child though." "And Stef said you really liked your friend's kid." This, Jay laughed at. "I'm serious. If you guys kept it, it would know the family but it would get to live here. To get away from Uniontown. Like you did, Jay. You know there's nothing for it there. It would get to live in New York, to see stuff. To have a chance." Jay looked at the floor. "Am, can I think about it?" Esme interrupted. "Amber, please. Can we? This is a lot to process." Esme hadn't really thought about them, not like that. And now this. "I know," she said. "And I really am sorry. I just...." Jay looked at her. "And you're going to keep clean? No bullshit. And you're going to the doctor? And eating right? And all that stuff, right?" Esme could see a change come over Amber. She pictured the 13 year old who encouraged Jay to leave, the adoring younger sister. "Absolutely, Jay. I know what it's like to have a fucked up life and I wouldn't ever do that, come on. You have my word. I am done with that shit, seriously. Even before this, I was getting sick of it." "Didn't seem that way at Christmas," he mumbled. Esme rolled her eyes, "Sorry. Your brother has a problem. His brain just stops from time to time." She laughed. "Always has. But he's right. Anyway, one night, I was out with Ilya and his friends," Her brow creased when she spoke the last word, "And we all got shitfaced. And I don't remember much, but I woke up the next morning with carpet fibers in my mouth and a headache and I looked in the mirror and I looked like Tina Roblicki, remember her?" Jay smiled, "It couldn't have been that bad." Esme just sat back and listened. Amber laughed. "It was. At least to me. And I said, 'fuck. Amber, you're 27. Grow the fuck up. And I started cutting back. And then this happened. You believe in signs, Esme?" Esme snapped out of it. "Sorry what?" "Do you believe in signs? Like shit happens for a reason?" Esme looked around. "I guess," she said. "I don't know. I know I've had some bad nights," she said, laughing nervously. She laughed. "Anyway, I believe in them. And this was one. I'm done with all that. But I need to start over." Jay, who had been silent for a few minutes, said, "When do you plan to tell Ma?" Amber said, "Um...." "We'll come if you want. We're coming next week for Aiden's birthday. You can tell her then, if you want. You know that what you want will kill her, right?" "She can't do it. She's too old." Jay sighed. "I hear you. She won't. But I do. I just can't make a decision like this on the fly." 'Or we can't,' Esme thought. She was feeling tense. Like she couldn't sit still. "Um, you know what? I think I'm going to sleep at my place tonight." Esme got up, both of them stared at her. "I think you two have a lot to talk about, family things and I should probably let you do that." Jay looked at her. "No, Esme. You need to be here too." Amber nodded. "Erm, I think you two need to talk about your mum," she said, fumbling for words. "I'll come back in the morning," she said, all but running out of the apartment. She passed a bar and stood at the doorway for several minutes, while people pushed past her and looked at her. She walked away.