Swapped Life, Chapters 12 - 15 free porn video

A SWAPPED LIFE, Chapters 13 - 15 A young male engineer goes to an engineering conference and gets swapped with a teen unwed mother who did not finish high school. Story discusses how the new woman makes new friends, and copes with motherhood, her new parents and sister, her former boyfriend, and eventually with love and marriage. Story also discusses the struggles of the new man, whose family and educational background did not give him the tools to fit into the world of men, and his eventual redemption. This is my first attempt to write fiction. I have found it much more challenging than I expected. I am grateful for constructive criticism. This is the fifth part of A SWAPPED LIFE and covers chapters 10 - 12. In the first part, in chapter 1 I introduced the original Brian and his family. Brian is a small and easy-going guy, but intelligent and strong willed. He is a civil engineer and works for a consulting company and is attending a conference in Eugene and giving a paper. In chapter 2, Brian encounters a very large man, Rex, abusing his girlfriend, Erin, and their daughter, Mary, in the halls of his hotel. Brian calls him on it, but no good deed goes unpunished and Rex beats Brian up and steals his wallet. Later that night, Brian wakes up as Erin being taunted by Rex . Rex throws Erin out of the room with their baby and she finds Erin who has been swapped into Brian's body. Chapter 3 discusses their early interactions. Erin finds she feels a magical connection with the baby Mary, and she becomes determined to give her a loving upbringing. And Erin gives the engineering paper that the old Brian had prepared. The two of them decide to return to Blakefield, the town where they both grew up. In the second part, in chapter 4, Erin and Brian return to Blakefield and the new Erin decides to go into detox and tries to get Brian's sister Clara to help him, but she won't believe the story of Brian and Erin swapping. In desperation, the new Erin begs the old Erin's parents to pay for detox, without telling them anything about the swap. In chapter 5, Erin's parents allow her to move home and she meets Fran, a Blakefield police officer, who hated the old Erin. Fran shows her antipathy in various ways. In chapter 6, Erin's parents send her to a detox program, which she finishes. While there, Erin makes friends with a girl named LaTesha In the third part, Erin returns home and slowly makes progress improving her relationships with her parents and with Fran. She also starts working on her GED so she can get a good job in order to support Mary. She finds along the way that the old Erin had made a lot of enemies. She makes another new friend at church, Debbie. Then Brian reenters the new Erin's life and causes more trouble. Nevertheless, Erin remains determined to get her high school GED so she can support Mary. In the fourth part, Erin discovers that the past fights of the former Erin with her sister-in-law have made her unwelcome at the family's Thanksgiving dinner. So she uses the time to study for the GED, but a last-minute decision by her sister-in-law allows her to meet her extended family. After Thanksgiving, Erin discovers she is pregnant. She has a quiet Christmas and New Year. She goes to a girl's night out with Clara and briefly sees her previous best friend Tony. After New Year, she takes the second GED Test and decides to keep the baby that is the result of her last encounter with Brian. In the fifth part, Chapters 13 - 15, Erin proposes a report documentation project at Pederson's Construction, and carries it out over a few weeks in January. At the same time, she makes another good friend, and helps Debbie while her baby is being born. In February Erin starts being a daytime sitter and wet nurse for Debbie's child while Debbie goes back to high school. Erin also finds out Latesha is in Girls' Detention and contacts her to arrange for a visit. In March, Erin actually visits Latesha a couple of times at the detention center, which is on the same grounds as a men's prison. During the second visit, Erin finds out that Brian is incarcerated, and also goes to see him. During the same period, Erin has been having trouble eating and her mother talks her into telling her OB-Gyn, who determines that she is not eating enough for her unborn children and admits her to the hospital. While there, Erin meets and old high school pal named Jesse, who participated in some of the former Erin's hi-jinks. Near the end of the month, Erin takes and passes her third GED test, and also encounter's Rex again. Characters Brian-->Erin An accomplished young male engineer with some struggles and insecurities. He tries to help a woman being abused by a very large man and is then swapped with that woman. Erin --> Brian A troubled young woman who never finished high school and who is transgendered. In spite of gender issues, she wound up getting involved with a troubled young man and having his baby. She is swapped with Brian. Clara Sister of Brian. She is social worker and is a very accomplished young woman and was her brother's close friend. Jenny Mother of Brian. She is an administrator at a local hospital and was very close to Brian and Clara. Peter Father of Brian. He is a professor of mathematics and was also very close to Brian and Clara. Mary Baby Daughter of Erin. She turns out sweet tempered and loving despite being neglected by the original Erin Mom (Mary) Mother of Erin. She is an office manager for a construction firm. She has some flaws and had a rough relationship with the original Erin, but eventually turns out to play a positive role. Dad (Bart) Loving father of Erin. He is a construction worker. Fran Sister of Erin. She is a police officer. She and the old Erin hated each other. She makes the new Erin's life miserable at first, but eventually they become friends. Latesha Friend Erin makes in a drug detox program. LaTesha was a very promising student in high school but was pulled into the world of drugs by her boyfriend and winds up spending about a year in youth detention. Debbie Friend Erin makes attending church. She is a high school student and an unwed mother. Her mother has rejected her for engaging in unmarried sex. Ginni Friend Erin makes doing a contracting job. She works for Erin's Mom and wants a career in finance. Jesse Close friend of the old Erin. She also becomes a friend of the new Erin, even though the two Erins are very different. Jesse was the original Erin's partner in many pranks and just barely graduates high school, but she is determined to succeed in life and is attending culinary school and also wants to also establish herself as a photographer. Tony Close friend of the old Brian and an excellent musician. After a failed marriage, he is raising his two sons by himself. He is asked to provide music at Clara's wedding. Index: CHAPTER 1. OCTOBER, BRIAN AND FAMILY CHAPTER 2. EUGENE, THE SWITCH CHAPTER 3. IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE SWITCH. CHAPTER 4. BLAKEFIELD, AFTER THE SWITCH. CHAPTER 5. ERIN MOVES HOME, FRAN'S ANTIPATHY CHAPTER 6. DETOX, MEETING LATESHA CHAPTER 7. NOVEMBER, ERIN HOME AGAIN CHAPTER 8. MEETING DEBBIE, THE WATER LEAK, REINSTATEMENT AT THE COMMUNITY CENTER CHAPTER 9. THE RAPE, FIRST GED TEST CHAPTER 10. THANKSGIVING CHAPTER 11. DECEMBER, PREGNANCY TEST, CHRISTMAS, SEEING TONY CHAPTER 12. JANUARY, SECOND GED TEST, DECIDING TO KEEP THE BABY CHAPTER 13. JANUARY, PROJECT AT PETERSONS, MEETING GINNI, HELPING DEBBIE CHAPTER 14. FEBRUARY, CARING FOR JEREMY, CONTACTING LATESHA CHAPTER 15. MARCH, VISITING LATESHA, GETTING SICK, MEETING JESSE, VISITING BRIAN, ENCOUNTER WITH REX, THIRD GED TEST CHAPTER 13. JANUARY, PROJECT AT PETERSONS, MEETING GINNI, HELPING DEBBIE The next day Erin got up as soon as Mary woke and called Infant Care. It turned out they did have room for Mary that day and Erin booked them for the next two weeks. That day they established a routine that they would follow with minor variations for the next few weeks. Get up as soon as Mary woke, clean her up, nurse, double diaper, breast pump, pack up, off to Infant Care, on to Pederson Construction, work 8:30 to 5, pick up Mary, come home, wash, laundry, help with dinner, spend as much time with Mary as she could, breast pump, prepare Mary for bed, call Clara or call Debbie, sleep, although somehow the sleep was never enough. Although exhausting, Erin liked the routine because she was accomplishing something, and she was still able to enjoy the people in her life. At work, she was shown her desk and offloaded her purse and coat. Without thinking she draped her coat over her chair, but her guide said, 'Hrmph, there is a women's coat rack in the corner." That caused her to think, and she put her purse in a desk drawer and hung her coat up in a more feminine manner. Then she went to office supplies and ask if they had journals in stock. The clerk said they did not carry them, but Erin could buy one and be reimbursed out of petty cash. Erin told her that she hadn't been paid yet and just didn't have the money. Could she get a cash draw to pick up a journal? Reluctantly the clerk processed the paperwork for a draw and gave Erin $50 cash. While she was at purchasing, Erin picked up a couple of pens and a memo pad and a planner. (Thank heavens they still had paper versions of planners.) Erin next went to IT. The IT Department head said they would have a phone for her sometime tomorrow, and that they didn't have any spare computers, so they were reviewing her needs and the availability of computers and would have something for her by the end of the week. Erin said she needed a phone this morning and her computer needs were a dual quad i5 processor or better, at least 8 Gig of installed Memory, two terabyte disk storage, 4 USB 3 ports in front and 4 in the back, a 30-inch color monitor, a small printer/scanner, and Windows 10 with Microsoft Office. Th computer needed to be directly connected to cable because she expected to be downloading and uploading a lot of data. She needed the computer by noon; she had to get a report out by Friday and getting started "near the end of the week" would not cut it. The direct connection could wait a day or two, as long as she had Wi-Fi. The cost of the computer at Zrebecks down the street would be about $1.7k plus the cost of office. She also suggested renting the Microsoft Office 365 package for $360/year. If this was a problem, they needed to talk to Mr. Pederson. The IT guy was a little put out at this young girl, barely out of high school, standing there demanding he change his schedule to accommodate her and decided to call her bluff and said he would talk to Mr. Pederson's Administrative Officer this afternoon. Erin said she was going to talk to Mr. Pederson right now and he could come with her and tell Mr. Pederson why he couldn't support her project adequately if he wished. Then she headed toward the main offices. The IT guy followed closely behind, thinking that maybe he had made a mistake. Erin walked into Mr. Pederson's outer office and asked his secretary if she could talk to Mr. Pederson about her contract. She rang him and said, "Miss McLoughlin would like to speak to you sir." Then turned to Erin and said, "He said, he can give you 10 minutes Miss McLoughlin." So, she went in with the IT guy right behind and told Mr. Pederson that she needed the phone and computer equipment specified in her contract in order to do the reports and IT had put her off several days and if he wanted her to get going, she needed that equipment now. The IT guy started saying why he couldn't supply it quickly, and Mr. Pederson looked at him and said, "Smith, what she is doing is important to the company. Do the best you can to get her what she needs as soon as you can. OK?" Smith agreed, and that was the end of it. Erin said, "Thank You Mr. Pederson." Mr. Pederson said, "Thank you for being determined to get going on this project, Miss McLoughlin." And they left. Smith asked her to go through the list of equipment needs again and wrote them down and said he would do the best he could. Erin said thank you and then went back to work. She had expected to have to argue with other employees to get the support she needed but didn't think it would happen so soon. While she was awaiting a phone and a computer, Erin walked down the street to Office Depot and found a journal. It only cost $32. She took the journal and receipt and the change back to office supplies and signed off, so the transaction was recorded properly. Then she went back to her desk and reviewed her notes and created a comprehensive list of things to do in the planner. She had gotten into the habit early in her college career of recording everything she did on a project in a journal. That way as her memory faded with time, she had a record that prevented her from redoing things. It was also useful as a record for the project lead if she wasn't available and if she left a project it would provide a record for whoever took over. Next, Erin used her tablet to connect to the firm's WIFI and look up addresses and phone numbers to include on the list. At noon, she went down to the break room and got her half sandwich and pear from the refrigerator and found a place to sit and read her notes again while she ate. Mom found her sitting there and asked how things were going. Erin relayed her experience with the IT guy. Her mother laughed. "Yeah, he can be a bit of an officious ass sometimes, but he is very competent and is a pretty good guy most of the time. Would you like to go out to lunch?" Erin, "No, I'm hoping they will have my phone and/or computer by 1 and I can get started on my list." Mom, "OK, but that little sandwich makes a pretty small lunch. Anyway, I would like you to come to lunch with me Thursday. I have some friends I would like you to meet. I've told them all about you." Erin, "Urmm. Good or bad?" Mom laughed, "Mostly good. Come on, indulge me, Please?" Erin could not deny her mom and smiled and said, "OK Mom, Thursday." Then her mom left. A girl near her age came over and introduced herself as Leah. Erin said, "I'm Erin McLoughlin". Then Leah said, "That bitch give you a bad time about something?" Erin looked at her coldly, "Which bitch is that?" Leah, "Old Lady McLoughlin. Oh, are you related to her?" Erin said coldly, "As a matter of fact, she is my mother. And although she can sometimes be difficult, she is a very nice person and if you work hard for her, she will be in your corner forever. So, pull your head out and do your job and everything will be fine." And then Erin got up, grabbed her lunch, tablet, and notes, and walked angrily back to her desk. There, she found they were installing her phone, so she got her coat on and walked out the front door and found a place to sit on the steps and eat and calm down. She was a little surprised at how strongly she had bonded with the woman who was Erin's mother after only a couple of months but darn it Mom was almost always nice to Erin, and Erin would be damned if she would listen to some idiot badmouth her. When Erin got back to her desk, she found the IT guy installing her computer. Another delay. Oh well, she couldn't complain about him doing what she requested. He smiled at her and said, "I hear you met a member of the local bitch squad." Erin, "Yeah, I guess so." He said, "Hey, Leah's actually OK. She just seems to need something to complain about. But she is a hard worker and a decent person." Erin, "OK, I'll ignore her, as long as she leaves my mother out of her complaints. Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention that I will need to have an email account with the firm." IT Guy, "I've already set it up, [email protected]. Erin, "Can I access it from my tablet?" IT Guy, "Sure, go to email.pedersonconstruction.com. Outlook will come up automatically. Your temporary outlook password is McLoughlin, all lower case. Change it immediately. By the way, the server records every keystroke." Erin, "OK, Thanks." She sat to the side while the IT guy swiftly installed Windows 10 and Microsoft Office. He said, "The software is not costing us anything. We still have room on our licenses. The direct cable will be installed Thursday. In the meantime, you are on Wi-Fi." Erin said, "That is fine, I will be away from my desk from 12 to 1:30. Then the IT guy handed her a cell phone, an older android device. He said she could read her email from that. He said there is a record of all use and they might examine it to insure no personal calls or texts were sent. Erin was not surprised and said "Thanks." Then he left, and Erin could work. The first thing Erin did was call the National Traffic Projects Data Center in Washington DC, hoping they weren't closed. But their help line for the report she was calling answered with a cheery announcement that they answered their line from 8 to 4 Eastern time and if it was after that time, please leave a message. Erin left a pleasant message telling them who she was and what road contract she was calling about and said she would call tomorrow. Next, she called the City of Blakefield Public Works Department and asked to talk to Mr. Marks, the engineer who was had monitored the road project that Pederson Construction had done this Spring and Summer. This time she was lucky, and found him in. She introduced herself, said she represented Pederson Construction and had been hired to produce the missing reports on the project that firm did in Spring and Summer, and asked if he had a few minutes to talk as she needed to ask him some questions about the project. Mr. Marks responded with some reluctance, "OK." First, she asked him for some of the project data she needed to supply for the report; the application for the federal grant, traffic analysis for the corridor prior to and after the project, detailed demographic data for the area, former road condition. He responded they had most of that, but not the demographic data. Interesting, Erin had thought that data was required in the federal grant application. Then she asked him for copies of his weekly reports on the project and for permit compliance reports. He responded that they provided those to the contractor during the project. Erin said, "Yes that was true but frequently the city adds comments by inspectors and Public Works personnel who are monitoring the project, and these added comments are not sent to the contractor. Erin would need those. He responded, "OK, but the inspection reports were not kept in Public Works but in the Permit Compliance Division. Erin would have to call them." Erin knew Mr. Marks was technically correct, but he could easily have his secretary walk down the hall and get the Inspection reports. This was a signal that he was not going to go even a little bit out of his way to help. Finally, Erin asked when she might expect to get the other information. Mr. Marks replied, "Probably next month or the month after, maybe at the end of this month if everything on some other projects fell into line." Erin counted to three, and asked, "Mr. Marks, are you aware that the company I represent is paying $17500 per month in fines until these reports are in. Furthermore, the city has withheld the final payment on the contract of $100,000 until the reports are in? Mr. Marks, "Sure, but no one has asked for this data until now and you can't expect us to produce it instantly. In fact, the contract doesn't even specify that we have to provide any data at all. We will do it to be cooperative. But we have other higher priority things to do right now." So, Mr. Marks had also picked up on the lack of data requirements in the contract. Damn. Erin, "I'm not asking you to produce anything new. Just give us copies of what you already have. We will even provide people to do the copying." Mr. Marks, "Hey, you can't just walk into our office and start copying. We need our lawyer to review the records and make sure there is nothing confidential in them. You will have to wait until we can go through procedures." Erin made one more try, "Mr. Marks, you know an important source of funding for your department is a tax on the profit of contractors in the city. There are not going to be any profits if we don't get that data soon. And those profits also employ people in your city. What you are doing by not helping a local firm at this point is sending money that should be circulating in this city to Washington DC. Is that what you really want to do?" But Mr. Marks, who had never had to meet a payroll in private industry, was unfazed. He was going to follow procedures to the letter, and that was that. OK, time to think about next steps. Erin knew what would have happened at her old firm. Their lawyer, who was very good and very aggressive, would have scheduled a meeting with the city attorney and pointed out a few things; that even though the contract said Pederson was responsible for the fines, it was the city that would get the black eye at the federal grant agency if the contract fulfillment was delayed too much longer, especially if it was known that a key cause of delay was the city's failure to provide necessary data; and that even though data delivery was not specified in the contract, it was likely a court would award the fines to the city if they did not cooperate in providing necessary data. But did Pederson's lawyer have the chops to do that? After meeting him yesterday, she doubted it. Of course, she could put in a records request for the data, but the city could sit on that for months too, and it would just piss off Mr. Marks and make him even less likely to be helpful. As Brian, she had had a friend in the city's public works who might be able to influence things or at least point out who would be willing to discuss the problem. But she could hardly call him up and say "Hey Troy, i used to be Brian Sanders, but my mind was switched into Erin McLoughlin. How are you doing? Say, could you tell me how I might expedite getting this data?" But maybe someone in the firm knew a City employee who could give them advice or insight. One way or the other, the decision how to approach this problem could affect Pederson Construction's future and was, therefore, way above her pay grade. She had to lay the problem out for Mr. Pederson and get a decision from him. So, Erin called Mr. Pederson's office and asked for an appointment to talk about a problem getting data from the city. She was told tomorrow morning at 10 AM. Erin had more luck with the City's Permit Compliance Division. She called and identified herself and asked for inspection reports on the Pederson Road Contract. She was referred to the manager of the office and repeated the process. He said, "Sure, No Problem. I'll have copies made this afternoon. Someone from Pederson can come in the morning and get them. You will need to bring in a formal request on Pederson Letterhead and some personal identification." "This was the way a city should work with contractors," Thought Erin. Erin also had no problem getting internal information from Pederson Construction. Apparently, the word of Mr. Pederson's support when she had asked for phone and computer support had gotten around, because she was able to get what she needed from contracting, engineering, and construction records without any problem. At this point she had 2 hours left to work, so she sat down and started scanning what she had gotten and organizing them into files and documents on her new PC. Even with a new PC and scanner, she ran into some problems with the process. Erin was able to resolve the problems, but she didn't have the files scanned and saved until 4:30, and then she returned the documents to their custodians and it was time to go home. At 5:00, Erin put on her coat, locked her papers and tablet in her desk, turned off her PC, and went to her mom's desk. Mom was ready to go, and they reversed their trip from this morning. While going to Infant Care, Erin told her mom about her day and the difficulty getting any support from the city. At Infant Care, when Mary saw Erin, she screamed and just clung to her. Erin found herself returning the hug and talking to the child and kissing her. She had missed her daughter all day and was happy to see her. Erin asked the Infant Care workers how things had gone all day. They said she had been a little fussy now and then but was a doll most of the time. They had had her in a clean play area and she tried to push herself up. She had eaten all the formula mix that Erin had provided, and they had even given her some of the formula they used. They echoed the pediatrician and said Mary was very big for her age. Erin was happy it had gone well. On the way home, Mary nursed, and Erin once again felt that closeness with her daughter that had characterized their relationship since the switch. At home, Erin checked her diaper and found a BM and cleaned that up. Then she put all of Mary's dirty clothes in the washing, along with a few things of her own. Finally, she went downstairs and helped her mother with dinner. Fran and Erin's dad were home by 6 and they had dinner together and talked about each other's day. Fran had had a very difficult day at work with several people who received traffic citations going off on her and threatening her. Of course, when she got a clear threat, she had to respond by calling in another officer, who usually wrote another citation, which would drive the slow learners among the offenders into a tizzy, and they would wind up in jail. In the meantime, Fran would have to deal emotionally with the hatred the offenders dealt out, which was difficult on her. Erin told Fran she was sorry that she was having that experience, and Fran said it's part of the job, but thanks. Erin could see why some police officers tended to only feel close to other police officers. She vowed that if she ever got a citation, she would remember that the police officer was a human being doing their job and try to treat them well. After dinner, Erin helped her mother clean up, then went up and got Mary ready for bed. After laying with Mary for a while as she fell to sleep, Erin quietly got up and went out to the hallway phone and called Debbie. When Debbie answered, she sounded much more upbeat. She said she and her mother had had a long talk, which started with a lot of hostility, but wound up with her mother listening to Debbie's story and her apology for her error in judgement and her promise that she be better in the future. At the end the hostility was greatly diminished, and her mother told her she still loved her and they both had a cry. The improvement made Erin feel a lot better. Then Debbie said her mother had asked if Erin and her mother would visit on Sunday, just so they could talk about what Erin's life had been like during and after pregnancy. Erin said she would have to ask her mother but thought it would be OK. Erin was relieved that Debbie and her mother appeared to be moving toward a better relationship. The next day Erin and her mother repeated the logistics of getting Mary to Infant Care and then to work. On the way Erin asked her mother about visiting Debbie and her mother on Sunday, and her mother agreed. She too was relieved that Debbie's mother was rethinking her refusal to accept Debbie. At work, Erin started by drafting a letter to the city requesting the internal permit and inspection records for the Pederson Projects. Then She prepared a short PowerPoint presentation on the problem getting the other city records to use at her meeting with Mr. Pederson. The first slide was a verbatim statement of Mr. Marks response to her document request along with her interpretation of what it meant. The second slide was a list of her requests, laid out in categories. ESSENTIAL FEDERAL GRANT APPLICATION FORMER ROAD CONDITION (CITY ASSESSMENT) CURRENT ROAD CONDITION (CITY ASSESSMENT) DEMOGRAPHIC DATA (ERIN COULD GET FROM 2010 CENSUS) PERMIT COMPLIANCE DOCUMENTS NICE TO HAVE CITY WEEKLY PROGRESS REPORTS WITH ENGINEER COMMENTS The last slide gave options for how the firm might react to get the data in a timely manner. By the time that was done and uploaded to the company server, it was 9:15. Erin spent the next 40 minutes starting to put together a draft of the first report. At 5 minutes to 10, she reported to Mr. Pederson's office. She wound up waiting a few minutes because Mr. Pederson's previous appointment went over, but at 10:10 she was ushered into his office. She was pleased that the chief administrator and project engineer were also present. After greetings, Erin started by showing them the draft request for inspection data that would go to the Compliance and Inspections Department and asking if someone could pick them up. Mr. Pederson said he could write the letter, so Erin could pick the data up, but Erin said she didn't drive so someone else would need to pick them up or drive her. Mr. Pederson was surprised. Then Erin briefed them on her request for Public Works Data to Mr. Marks and noted that if his timetable stood, that it would represent a significant additional delay and would result in further fines. The question was, how should the firm respond? There are a variety of possible responses from doing nothing and hoping to suing the city and requesting a summary judgement. There were a few low-risk things the firm could do, which Erin recommended as their first actions. First, they could provide the city a written request for the data, along with priorities for the various documents requested, and outlining the consequences of delay, and point out that more delay also has consequences for the city's reputation. This letter might be sent to another office (the city administrator's office?) Second, if anyone at Pederson's had a good or even reasonable contact at the city, they could sound them out as to who else they might talk to at the city who might have influence, and/or other options. In the meantime, management should decide how aggressive to be in trying to get the documents (knowing that the more aggressive the approach, the more risk there was for the firm). At the end, Mr. Pederson thanked Erin for her outline of options and said the three managers would talk among themselves. Erin asked to be kept in the loop so if she needed to do anything she could. They said they would get back to her. The rest of the morning, Erin worked on the draft of the first report. She started with a blank xl file and added the worksheets required; Introduction, Supporting Documents, Construction, Finance, and Project Results. Within each worksheet she set up the required fields and labeled them appropriately. She started importing the files she had scanned yesterday that covered the first reporting period, March. She put them into the "Supporting Documents" worksheet. At noon, she paused for lunch. She went to the break room and looked for her sack lunch labeled with her name, but it was nowhere to be found. She searched again. It wasn't there. Damn. Well, she had no money, so she would have to skip lunch. Next weekend Erin would ask her mother to pick up some energy bars to have in her purse, in case this happened again. For now, she decided to go for a little walk just to get a break. She went out and walked a block north, a block east, two blocks south, two blocks west, two blocks north, a block west, and then a block south back to the office. She window shopped, and people watched. However, what was intended to be a casual walk turned out to be a big effort. She was not used to heels, and on uneven pavement even the 2" heels she had worn to look "professional" presented a challenge and her feet hurt by the time she got back. Women's fashions seemed designed to make everything difficult and Erin needed to bring in some flats to wear for walks. So, when Erin got back to her desk she started a list, "1. get power bars" and "2. bring flats". Then Erin hung her coat up and got back to work. She finished importing the supporting documents and checked that they could all be accessed. Within each of the other worksheets she set up the required fields and labeled them appropriately. She entered most of the required information in the Introduction worksheet, but there were some gaps that she would have to fill when the material she had requested from the city was available. She then went to work on the construction and finance worksheets. On the construction worksheet, she entered in order by date and time; permits, soil tests, concrete tests, lane reroutes, road blockages, road grading, utility changes, surface water infrastructure installations, delays, underlayment improvements, concrete pouring, striping, etc. Brian's construction background enabled her to identify some missing actions and email the project engineer with questions as to circumstance and date. Why Uncle Sam needed this level of detail, Erin did not know. She suspected it enabled the feds to easily audit projects and to display almost anything about a single project or a set of projects to catch trends in construction. Whatever the reason, hers was not to reason why, hers was just to get it done. In some ways, Erin was enjoying this, since it was challenging and did allow her to use her engineering skills a little. But it was tedious, and Erin hoped that someday she would find a way to become an engineer again and do the engineering work Brian had loved; developing concepts, high level planning, building and watching projects come together, and retrospective analyses of existing projects and discovering how to do things better. But for now, although it was a little tedious, this project would give her some money of her own, and might help her get a job that could pay the bills someday. Erin was about half through when it was 5:00 and she locked up her papers, put on her coat, told her mom she could leave whenever ready, and went to wait at the front. Her mom came out a few minutes later and they walked to the parking lot and headed toward Infant Care. At Infant Care, when Mary saw Erin, she screamed and just clung to her. Erin returned the hug and talked to the child and cuddled her. At home, Erin first focused on Mary and doing what she had to do to prepare for the next day. Then she helped Mom with dinner. She was glad when Fran and her father were home and they could eat. She was starved. But she was aware that being hungry from missing lunch could lead to a feeding frenzy, so she got up and spent time standing behind her chair holding Mary after she ate. She was enjoying hearing how Fran's day had gone, exciting as usual, when her mom told everyone that Mr. Pederson had paid Erin a complement, saying that she was very organized and was working hard and seemed to have a great plan for success and he was feeling confident that it was just a matter of time before the reports were streaming in. Erin told everyone she was pleased with the complement, but that success depended on getting data from the city, which she had absolutely no control over, so it was possible that everything she was doing might come to nothing. But all she could do is keep working and wait for the data from the city. He mom chuckled and said something about the harder you work, the luckier you get. After dinner, Erin helped her mother clean up, then went up and got Mary ready for bed. After laying with Mary for a while as she fell to sleep, Erin quietly got up and went out to the hallway phone. Tonight, she decided to call Clara before it was too late. She realized she had never told Clara about getting the contract at Pederson Construction. She reached Clara on the third ring and they chatted about this and that and then Erin told her she had gotten the contract to do those reports at Pederson. She gave her a rundown about what she had been doing. Clara said the she was glad Erin got the opportunity but wasn't Erin worried that she was showing too much knowledge of engineering. Erin said "Yes, but I can't pretend to be incompetent just to keep up a masquerade. People need to get used to who I am, because I need to be able to do these things to do right by Mary. If that makes people think I am possessed or something, well, so be it. What can they do about it? I guess I am glad no one burns witches at the stake these days." Clara, "Yeah, me too. Because you are not convincing as a 19-year-old high school dropout," which made them both laugh. Then Erin said, "Hey, if the inquisition was still in effect, they might burn me for being a whore if they didn't burn me for being a witch. So, it wouldn't matter if I were convincing as a 19-year-old high school dropout or not." Clara laughed at that too. A few minutes later they both said goodnight. Erin always enjoyed talking to Clara. Then Erin went downstairs and found her mother still up. Her mom asked, "Who were you talking to, Honey?" Erin, "Clara. I told her about the contract with Pederson's. It's nice talking to her. She's fun to be around and always so positive. You had girlfriends like that when you were younger, didn't you Mom?" Mom, "Sure honey. Somehow, we've just lost contact. But I still have girlfriends. In fact, you will meet them for lunch tomorrow. They all do lots of good in the community. They also mentor women in work situations, as do I." Erin, "I'm really looking forward to meeting your friends, Mom. I hope they like me." Mom, "Don't worry, they will be happy to meet a young woman who has convinced a company like Pederson's to give her a shot doing an important contract. And of course, they'll like my daughter. What's not to like?" Mom reflected on how true that was today, and maybe not true 4 months ago. Then Erin asked "Mom, do we have any power bars around?" Her mom said "No, why?" Erin, "My lunch went missing today, so I didn't have anything to eat. I was thinking of keeping a power bar in my purse. Maybe we can get some this weekend? How about peanut butter? Or maybe I can make a PB&J sandwich for lunch tomorrow and keep it in my desk?" Mom, "Yes, I think we have peanut butter. I keep it for the grandkids. It is above the cereal. But you and Fran both always hated peanut butter." Erin, "I guess my tastes have changed." Mom, "Strange. I haven't heard that lunches are routinely going missing from the refrigerator." Erin, "I had a run-in with another employee yesterday. I wonder if she was behind it?" Mom, "Who? What was the run-in about?" Erin, "I'm not mentioning names. If I'm wrong, I don't want to cause trouble." Mom, "OK," And thought, 'Jeez, things have sure changed. Before she ran off, Erin was all about trouble.' Then they both said goodnight and went to bed. Time to wake up would come entirely too soon. Thursday morning was very like Wednesday. When Erin got to work, she worked on finishing entering the actions related to construction on the construction worksheet. She finished that at about 10 and started listing all the financial actions by date, purchases, salary payments, salaries and wages, overhead, payments to subcontractors, invoices to the city, paid invoices, etc., on the finance worksheet. Then she linked the finance lines with the correct entry in the Supporting Documents worksheet. Finally, she attempted to link the financial actions with the construction actions. There were some cases where she could not link the two properly, so she again emailed some questions to the engineer, this time copying the finance department. The finance work was split between before lunch and after lunch. At lunch, she met her mom at her desk and they walked down the street to the restaurant in the Marriott Hotel. They went to a reserved table where a couple of other businesswomen were sitting, and Erin's mom greeted them and introduced Erin. Then several more joined them. Erin had been half expecting a group of sour, man-hating older women, but was pleasantly surprised at how congenial and interesting the women were. They were all active in business downtown and had a lot of tales of what was going on in Blakefield. They were also heavily involved in an effort pass a tax measure to expand transit in Blakefield and talked intelligently about finance and politics and the schools. Erin found the discussions fascinating. And none of the women appeared to be surprised that a 19-year-old high school dropout could do technically complicated work. They were interested in how she convinced Mr. Pederson to support her to do it. Erin laughed and said "He was desperate, and I presented a proposal in which he could gain a lot but couldn't lose much. So, he decided it was a good deal." One of the women asked, "So are you going to be able to do those reports?" Erin, "I seem be getting the data into the report excel files properly, and I think I know how to link the data in the different worksheets, although I will need to look at the excel manual to be sure. The biggest problem I have is that there is some data I need from the city and I talked to the Public Works Director and he seems to want to sit on it for a few months. At that rate Pederson will pay another $50,000 in fines. I know the public works director has other obligations, but it would take his staff two hours tops to get that data to me. And the worst part is that the later these reports get it, the worse it looks for the city. Pederson's money is on the line. But the city has something on the line too, credibility as to whether they can perform work for grants. So, it is in the city's interest to help us. I just don't understand why they are sitting on data." Then the talk drifted off to other topics of civic interest. As they walked back to work, Erin's Mom said, "Erin, did you remember that the woman at the other end of the table was the Blakefield City Manager." Erin, "Oh God, I hope I didn't offend her. That would be a disaster. Would you pass along that I was speaking for myself, not for Pederson's. I don't want to get the firm in trouble." Mom, "I think it will be OK Erin. She said she would check on that data and see what the story was." After lunch, Erin got back to the finance worksheet. She was almost finished with the final data linkages when Mr. Pederson brought by the data from the city's compliance department. While there he asked how things were going. Erin started with a general description of what she had done, but Mr. Pederson seemed to want details. After a few moments, she realized how sharp he was, and remembered he had started the company as an engineer. So, she gave him a technical rundown on what she had done. He seemed surprised and pleased. He said they had prepared a letter to the city requesting the data she specified and would have it out tomorrow morning, and they also would be having a talk with his lawyer getting his advice on how to pry the data loose. He would get back to her tomorrow. The rest of the afternoon, Erin scanned the city inspection data and entered it into the supporting documents worksheet and then took the inspection information and filled in one of the gaps on the Introductory section with information about permit inspections, dates, findings, required actions. She also used the information to modify some of the entries in the construction worksheet. At 5 PM when she finished, and she locked her papers and tablet in her desk, and went to find mom. Soon they were on their way to pick up Mary and get home. Once again Erin and Mary came together almost joyfully and spent a few moments bonding again. Erin noticed Mom looking at her and smiling warmly. Then they went home and had an evening very much like the last two. Tonight, Erin called Debbie. Debbie was content but was feeling very pregnant and felt she could give birth literally any second, even though the Dr. said another two weeks. Erin asked, "Do you still want me to be with you at the hospital?" Debbie, "God yes. I mean I am thrilled that my mother and sister will be there after all, but I need a friend too. Please." Erin, "Of course. I'll be there for sure." Debbie, "I'm so glad you are the new you now. I've really enjoy having you as a friend. It's meant the world to me." Erin replied, "Me too. I might have gone berserk and killed the Pastor if I hadn't had someone with common sense to keep me sane." Debbie laughed, "I have heard that you could get insanely angry, but I've never seen it. To me you are the most level-headed person I know. Maybe not so in your previous life. But now you are as mellow as can be." They talked a few more minutes and Erin told Debbie about her experiences at Pederson Construction. Debbie was surprised that her friend was doing so well. She asked how she knew how to use the software and how she knew enough about engineering to write a narrative. Erin just said she picked it up working on a project with friends, and as for the engineering, Erin read a lot. Debbie wasn't totally buying it, but finally said "Well you being able to work at a place like there while you are caring for an infant gives me hope for myself." Then she asked why Erin hadn't said anything before and Erin said she didn't want to be sharing good experiences while Debbie was so low. Debbie started crying then and said how much she was touched that Erin cared so much. The next day, Erin went through the now familiar routine of waking, preparing Mary and herself, breakfast, dropping Mary off at Infant Care, and being in to work by 8:30. The first thing she did was spend two hours reviewing everything she had done to date for the first report. She found a few typos and a few misdirected links and fixed them. So now she was done except for the data she needed from the city and the demographic data (which Mr. Marks had indicated the city did not have and was not on the federal grant application.) She decided she would work on the demographic data next and call the feds and ask if she could send the draft document for an initial review and comment. If she didn't get the data from the city soon, she would start constructing a draft of April's report, even though it too could only be completed when she got the data from Blakefield's Public Works Officer. The right people to ask about the demographic data were the Blakefield County Metropolitan Planning Association (BCMPA). Erin googled the number and called the BCMPA and identified herself to a secretary and told her what she was asking about. The Secretary referred her to Dierdre Sampson who was the one who most frequently worked with demographic data at the BCMPA. Fortunately, Ms. Sampson was in. Erin identified herself as a contractor hired to do the federal reporting for Pederson Construction on the project they had done for the City of Blakefield this year. Dierdre, "Yeah, I heard Pederson was paying fines for being late with that report? Couldn't find a contractor to do them. I guess they found you. Good luck. Are you familiar with the report format?" Erin, "Yes, Pederson is late on 7 monthly reports and is paying $2500/month for each. I just started this week and am trying to get them out ASAP. I have the instructions for the report but have never done one before. It looks like a pain, but doable. It specifies that we need to include information on minorities and low income that live within 5 miles of the project. Do you know where I would get that information?" Dierdre, "Sure, it's easy. You just write a specification of what you need and send it and a check for $4000 to the census office and you get an answer, usually within a couple of days." Erin, "Um, it sounds easy enough. But I doubt Mr. Pederson will be happy if he has to pay the $4000. Can you give me contact information for the Census Office? Dierdre responded with name of contact, phone, email address, and mail address. Then she said, "Say, we have a federal grant monthly report submitted by the City of Nether that we keep on hand as a sample for this report. Would you like me to get it to you?" Erin, "Absolutely, that would be very helpful." Deidre, "It is too big to email. You will have to upload it using Dropbox." Then they exchanged Dropbox information (emails) and Erin thanked her for her help and they hung up. Erin went online and downloaded the Dropbox PC AP, and brought it up on her computer, and looked for the sample document and there it was. She accessed it and saved it on her computer for later examination. That was a useful call. Next Erin decided to call the National Traffic Projects Data Center before it got too late for a government agency to answer on Friday. She had promised to call them on Wednesday and had forgotten. The Data Center answered on the fourth ring. Erin introduced herself and told them she was preparing a report for a federally funded construction project in Blakefield that Pederson Construction had done this summer. The clerk who answered said "Wait a minute. I will look the project up. Here it is. There are 7 monthly reports overdue. That means you are being fined $17500/month. You better get them in. Let me give you the serial number of the project so you can reference it on your report. B708897655-2013-579." Erin said "Thanks, I'm getting close to having a draft of the first monthly report done. Can I send it in for review and comment before it is completely done? That will make it easier to complete it." Clerk, "Well, that would work if you are almost done. But if there is a lot missing, it wouldn't be useful for either of us." Erin, "Sure. I have a few gaps that I cannot do until I get some data from the city. But the rest of the report is filled in, although it is currently a bit rough." Clerk, "What is missing?" Erin, "Demographic data, the City's grant application, and the assessment of road condition before and after." Clerk, "We can look at the draft but of course we could not detect problems where there is no data." Erin, "Thanks, I hope to get the report reviewed by our engineer today and would send the draft on Monday." Clerk, "OK, mark the draft report to my attention. Otherwise the auto-review software will kick it back as being incomplete before I can look at it." Erin, "Thanks, I'll send it Monday some time. Can I call on Tuesday and get feedback?" Clerk, "I'll try. But I may not be able to get to it until Wednesday." Erin, "Thanks. I really appreciate it. Is there any advice that you want to give me that is not in the instructions?" Clerk, "No, it's all in the instructions. I wrote them." Erin, "Thank You then. I'll talk to you next week. Bye." Clerk, "Bye." Next Erin emailed Mr. Pederson and told him that the way to get the demographic data for the report that the city claimed it didn't have was to write up a request and send $4000 to the census office. She would prepare the request for the census office, but they shouldn't send it yet because the demographic data could be on the city's grant application and they might be able to get it from there. Even if they had to order the data, the city might have to pay for it. Mr. Pederson should consult the firm's contract attorney. Then Erin called the Pederson project engineer, Jack Ringer. She reached him almost immediately. She said, "Hi Mr. Ringer. This is Erin McLoughlin, the contractor who is doing the progress reports on the road project funded by the feds." Jack, "Yes, what can I do for you?" Erin, "I am making good progress on the first report and would like to send a draft forward to the feds for review early next week. I would rather that even a draft have your review for technical and financial accuracy before I send it. Would you be willing to look at it Monday sometime in the morning? Jack, "How long do you think it will take? I have an hour after 10:30 on Monday." Erin, "That would be perfect. Could we do it at my desk? I have a bunch of notes here I will need. Dick, "Sure. I'll see you then." Next, Erin got out the sample report file that had been provided by BCMPA and started going over it and comparing it with her draft report. She first compared the introduction worksheets. What she put in each field appeared to be the same sort of information in the sample and the level of detail she entered was about the same as in the sample. But the link backs to supporting documentation did not appear to work the same as in the sample, but she didn't quite know what she had done wrong. So, she had to dig out the Excel documentation and try to figure it out. After a few minutes reading she noticed that everyone else in the room had left. She looked up and it was 12:30. So, she got her half PB&J sandwich out of her desk and slowly ate it in silence. Then she got her apple and nibbled on it. She felt isolated and realized that she had been tuning out everyone else in the room. She had to try to be friendlier. Right now, however, she wanted to go for a short walk. So, she took the flats out of her bag and put them on and put her coat on and headed out. She walked the same route she did the day before yesterday except she had to stop about ? of the way through in order to keep her lunch break to 45 minutes. Then she came back to her desk, changed her shoes, went and got a cup of water, and sat down to work. Before she started back again, she introduced herself to the woman at the desk nearest to her. "Hi," she said, "I haven't met you yet. I'm Erin McLoughlin. I'm a contractor working on federal reports." The woman looked at her coolly and said "I know. Leah told me who you are. I'm Virginia. I work in accounting." Erin wondered just what Leah had told Virginia about Erin. Oh well, if Erin just stayed friendly, the other employees would eventually learn she was OK. But that made Erin wonder what she looked like to the other younger women. She took a potty break a half hour after lunch and for the first time since soon after she had switched, Erin carefully evaluated her appearance. Erin had lost almost 30 lbs. since the switch, so she no longer looked fat, just overweight. That was an improvement. However, her makeup was not well done, and her hair looked even wilder than just after the switch. It was over 2 inches longer and had not been trimmed since then. She was wearing one of the outfits her mother had bought her for church. There was a flowered skirt and long-sleeve blouse. Her tattoos showed a little near the bottom sleeves of the blouse. These tattoos were not particularly feminine and were not professionally done so the entire effect was it made Erin look butch and tough. Erin realized her mother must have chosen the blouse because she thought it might hide the tattoos. Unfortunately, it didn't quite. Erin may have gotten her ears pierced at one time, but they had grown shut. So, Erin wore no earrings. She had borrowed a necklace from her mother, but it looked a little old for her. Erin's nails were trimmed neatly but had no polish and were not shaped. All in all, Erin realized that her appearance was rough and the other young ladies at the office might not quite know what to make of her. Erin had not realized how much she missed having friends at work. Brian had had a lot of friends and enjoyed the greetings, and spending time with friends during breaks. Why didn't Erin have friends? Well, she had had that little brush up with Leah. But Erin didn't regret that, and she didn't think refusing to listen to criticism of her mother should preclude friendships. On reflection she definitely felt that improving her appearance, so she looked more like a typical woman with a job, would help other women at work accept her. But then she realized she was thinking of making friends among the woman employees, not with the male employees. Well, that was not so different than before the switch. Brian had always had women friends, just not romantic women friends. He had had a great relationship with his mother and sister that had carried over to other women. He found them just as interesting and fun to be with as other males. How about men friends. Erin realized that she did not have a lot in common with them now, and they probably would not seek her friendship the same as before, especially if she looked rough and butch. Besides, likely any man who sought a friendship with her might want some sort of romantic relationship. Erin didn't think that was what she wanted. Besides all the men at Pederson's were much older, and would think of her as too young. That thought made her realize how different she had become. Brian had wanted to be an engineer as long as he could remember. Since the switch, Erin had realized that she loved being a mother. She loved the closeness with her child. She loved seeing Mary's personality grow and develop and she loved being part of that growth and development as she cared for the child and played with her. Suppose she had the opportunity to switch back and be Brian again and be an engineer again? Would she give up being a mother? Probably not. Would she turn Mary over to the old Erin again, someone who did not particularly care for her? Absolutely not. So, she wanted to be Erin, and would not do anything to facilitate switching back to being Brian and would pray that she was never switched back unexpectedly. Actually, there were lots of reasons not to be Brian now that he had gained a lot of weight, and was on the run to avoid being charged with rape, and presumably was living a criminal lifestyle. The next question that popped into her mind was, "Who would Erin be?" She had already decided that Erin would be drug-free and would have High School Credentials. She had accomplished the former and was working on the latter. And it was a good thing she liked being a mother because there appeared to be lots of that in her future. She also knew she did not want to be the former Erin. This Erin liked being friendly and helpful and honest and trusted and having other people like and appreciate her, like the former Brian. But with all that she could still be lots of different things. In particular, she could be butch and mannish, or she could be feminine. After the switch, she had worn woman's clothes because she had inherited the former's Erin's clothing and didn't have the money to buy new clothes. That was still true. But if she suddenly had money, would she buy and wear men's clothing again? No. She felt comfortable in women's clothes. They seemed to be consistent with her core being as a mother. She had no inner drive to return to wearing mem's clothing. And she realized she cared how she looked. If she was going to present as a girl, she needed to do a better job of it. She needed to get her hair styled and her ears pierced and learn to do her makeup and care for her nails properly. Improving these things was relatively cheap and easy and Erin decided to do it as soon as she could manage. Related to this, Erin also wanted to get rid of these awful tattoos. The ones on her arms were bad enough, but once looking in the mirror she saw something that looked like a name tattooed on her ass. After twisting around with a small makeup mirror, she saw it said "REXS." God, it wasn't even a proper possessive. She'd heard that tattoos could be removed by laser treatments, or maybe covered with other tattoos. She didn't know, but there must be something to make them look better. She would to talk to an expert. But she guessed it would take thousands of dollars and she couldn't afford it any time soon and would never ask her parents to spend money on that. There were other parts to "Who will Erin be?" One was career. Conceivably she could become an engineer again, but with two children and parents of limited means, she didn't think she could make that happen and still be a good mother. But she could do work that was technical without a degree, as she was doing now. It was encouraging that she could do this project, and she was planning to pursue it further. It might provide a way to support herself and her children in the future. Another question was sexual orientation. Erin remembered being a man and becoming aroused at the sight of attractive women, with heart beating, breathing stopped, and an erection. She didn't remember having that feeling at the sight of an attractive woman since the switch. Well, the erection was not possible now. But she also did not remember beating heart and shortness of breath. But then she did not remember any reaction to an attractive man either. Maybe she was just so busy being a mother and so traumatized from the date rape that her psyche wouldn't let her indulge in sexual attraction. Or maybe it was because she was not around a lot of attractive young men or attractive young women these days. She did remember that Erin had enjoyed sex with Brian the time that he had bothered about her pleasure as well as his own. Maybe that was some indication of who she was, or maybe it was just a physical thing. Maybe her mind was now so confused about sex that she was permanently incapable of arousal. But she suspected that someday in the right circumstances she would be attracted to a man or a woman and then she would know better who she was. She was looking forward to it because sexual attraction was part of being human and she missed it. As she was thinking, another woman came into the room. This disturbed her reverie, and Erin gave her hair a brush and returned to her desk. Using the Excel documentation, she figured out why the links in her file differed from the sample and changed them, so they were the same. Then, she continued the comparison of the sample report and her draft report, fixing errors she found as she went along. She was almost done when the company clerk walked up to her desk and asked, "Are you Erin McLoughlin?" When she said yes, he asked "Where do you want this?" 'This' was a file storage box about ? full of documents. She had him put it beside her chair, so she could bend over to look in it. It was the documents she had requested from the Blakefield's Public Works Department. Wow. What had happened? Mr. Marks had been adamant that she would not be getting the documents she had requested until at least the end of the month. Whatever, it was good news. She decided that the documents were more important than finishing comparing her draft with the sample report. So, she took out the journal she had requested and noted down which sections of the two reports had been compared. She only had an hour to work, which would allow her to inventory the documents to insure they included everything she had requested. She finished that and was delighted to find everything there. There were also a few miscellaneous documents she had not requested. It was like an early Christmas present. Erin hadn't realized that she was talking to herself excitedly, until Virginia at the next desk asked, "You get something good Erin?" Erin, "Yeah. I requested a bunch of documents from the city to do the reports I was hired to do. And the city told me one or two months. But here the documents are. This will allow me to start getting those progress reports out, and maybe Pederson can stop paying fines to the feds. This is so cool. I have to email Mr. Pederson." Virginia, "Oh, right, you're doing those construction progress reports. Last I heard they wouldn't have anyone until April. Hey, good luck. It's outrageous that we are being fined that much when the project has been done and everyone is happy with the road." It was time for Erin to leave at this point, but she felt she owed Mr. Pederson an email, so she took a couple of minutes to compose one, telling him that they had received all the documents she had requested. Then Erin locked up her stuff (except her tablet which she wanted to take home for the weekend), and went and found Mom, and they headed out. They first stopped at Infant Care and picked up Mary and Erin and she had their now routine joyous reunion. Then they went home, and as usual Erin spent some time just focusing on Mary. As happy as she was to be using her education and interest in engineering and hopefully making some money, Erin felt guilty leaving Mary with strangers all day and she felt she had to somehow make up for it. After her time alone with Mary, Erin took Mary downstairs and helped Mom with dinner. As she did, Erin told her mother about the project engineer coming at 10:30 on Monday and the city data coming in at the last minute and the feds agreeing to review her report on Tuesday or Wednesday. Her mom said "So, the first report will go in next week. Then after that the rest should be much easier. Hey, it looks like you really will be able to do this thing. I'm proud of you honey. I have to admit, I was skeptical." That made Erin feel very good and couldn't resist hugging her mom and telling Mom she loved her. The McLoughlin's did not display emotions overtly, whereas in her previous family it had been routine, and someone was always hugging someone else. Brian had not been totally comfortable with that as he had grown older. But Erin was surprised at how much she missed it and had decided when she first got out of detox that if she wanted to hug someone, she would do it. At first it had amazed the recipient, but as time went along they seemed happy to share a hug, especially Mom. So, Mom hugged Erin back and smiled and said, "Thank You, Sweetie." They soon had dinner ready and were waiting for Fran and Dad. Then Erin said "Mom, I noticed at work that I sort of look like a wild- child compared to the other younger women. Do you think I could get my hair trimmed and styled this weekend? And my nails done? And maybe talk to a make-up consultant? I know it costs money, but we don't need to go anywhere really expensive. I will pay you back as soon as I can." Mom, "I don't know. I must clean house tomorrow because you have not been able to do any housework through the week, and we have a commitment after church on Sunday. It might have to wait a week." Erin, "Mom, I will help you clean house. Maybe we could do the cleaning in the morning and early afternoon and go out in the evening when Mary is more likely to be OK?" What Erin didn't know was that a long-time bone of contention between the former Erin and Mom was Erin's refusal to spend any time on her appearance. So, her mom was in truth very pleased at Erin's suggestion, but didn't want to show it because she remembered the battles they had had on this topic. After Mom's initial reluctance, Erin was somewhat surprised when her mom changed and said, "OK, When Mary is up from her early nap and fed and changed, we will go to the mall." Erin said, "If there's time could I get my ears pierced too?" Mom, "If there's time Erin?" Then her Dad showed up. Fran would not be there for dinner tonight. It was her day off and she was out with friends. So, the three of them sat down to dinner. As usual her mom and dad related what had happened at work. But this time Erin had some stories of her own. They had a nice family conversation and after dinner Erin helped her mom clean up. Then Erin went back upstairs, nursed Mary and got her ready for bed. But this night Erin brushed her teeth and got herself ready for bed, and when she put Mary to bed she lay down and went to sleep with her. She slept through the night. She had built up quite a sleep deficit this week. Mary hadn't built up a sleep deficit and woke at the usual time. Erin got up, cleaned up Mary and changed her, put on some casual clothes, went downstairs and started the coffee and then allowed Mary to nurse. The coffee was done before Mary was, and as soon as Mary finished, Erin rushed and got some coffee. Then she sat down again and spent time playing with Mary. Mary was much more responsive to play games and laughed much more as time went along. She was now 5 months old. Erin started with a little game of peak a boo, which Mary loved. Then she talked to her and did a little singing. While singing, she danced a little to the song. Then she turned on the radio softly and danced some more. She then laid Mary on her back and helped her move around and sit. Then she repeated the process on her stomach. Erin had heard that this was good for a baby's coordination and strength. Finally, Erin got some toys out and moved them around and let Mary follow them with her eyes and reach for them when they were close. When her mother woke up, Erin picked Mary up and went to talk to Mom. Her mom was an inveterate list maker and a list was sitting at the table with what housecleaning her mother wanted them to do. They talked for a while, and her father got up, so Erin's Mom made some bacon and eggs. Erin ate a small amount and had a piece of toast and then her father got up and went to his club. Erin went upstairs and bathed Mary and prepared her for her nap and got her to sleep. Then Erin came downstairs, only to find her mother already doing work from her list. Erin asked what would be best for her to do, and her mother gave her a couple of suggestions, and Erin started to work. With two of them working, they were almost done by the time Mary woke up. Erin went upstairs and got Mary up and cleaned her up, diapered her, and let her nurse, after which Mary needed another change. By that time,. Erin's mom had finished the housecleaning, and they sat down for another cup of coffee. Just up from a nap, Mary had lots of energy and wanted to play, so Erin talked to her and they played hide and seek, and Erin sang, and Mary burbled. Then Erin looked over and caught her mom smiling at her and Mary. "What?" she said. Mom, "Oh, nothing. I'm just so happy you are both doing so well. I love you Erin. And I love Mary." Then her mom said, "We should get going so we can do some of the things you want to do before Mary gets tired again. We can get a little lunch at the mall." Erin, "OK, do you think I should change?" Mom, "Yes, put on something a little nicer. So, you can see how nice you look after the visit." So, Erin put a double diaper on Mary, and changed into the skirt and blouse she had worn yesterday. She made herself up and brushed her hair as best she could and went downstairs. Her mother said, "Stand up against that wall", and took a picture with her phone of Erin holding Mary. Then they strapped Mary into her car seat and headed to the mall and finally got there at 12:30. They went to a hair stylist her mother thought well of and found she was busy until 2, so they made an appointment at 2. Then they walked to the Nordstrom's and visited the beauty counter to see if there was anyone who could help Erin with makeup. There was a beauty consultant on duty and after a short wait she sat Erin down in front of a styling mirror and looked at her. Her mother held Mary on the adjacent chair. Erin explained that she was working now and felt she did not look professional, and she wanted to look more feminine anyway. What would the consultant recommend? "Well," she said, "with really light skin and blond hair you don't want anything too heavy for work. On a date, you could wear more, especially lipstick if you like the MM look. But your skin is really clear, and you don't need a lot of makeup. When you get older, you might need more." (Erin was reminded of the dark circles under her eyes and uneven coloring right after the switch and was happy that had improved.) Then the beauty consultant made Erin up for work, and Erin agreed she looked much more professional. The stylist gave Erin suggestions for how to apply the makeup herself, especially the lipstick. Then she took it all off and showed Erin what she might wear when she went out for a date. Erin looked at herself and was amazed. She said, "OK, what do you think I need to buy for these two looks?" The consultant started to list some products, but before she could get going, Erin pointed out that she had an infant to support and needed to control costs. She and her mom had agreed on a limit of $75. OK, said the consultant, and came out with a relatively short list, all reasonably priced. Erin spent only a little more than $75. There was still time before the cut and style, so Erin and Mom and Mary went to Claire's to look into earrings. Piercing was free for the cost of a pair of earrings. Mom asked, "Erin, do you want to do it here or go to a more upscale place or to a specialty piercing place, either of which would seem to be more sanitary and have more experienced people doing the piercing." Erin was concerned that the piercing guns were not being cleaned between customers. She asked, "Is there a specialty place in the mall, a tattoo parlor or piercing pagoda?" Mom, "Let's go get your hair done and ask the stylist." They went to the stylist and waited a few minutes before she was free. Then Erin told her that she wanted a style appropriate for her first job. She worked in an office. The stylist first asked if she wanted a new dye job. Erin said, "a what?" The stylist said "Dye job. Your hair is bleach blonde and your roots are strawberry blond. I think you need to make them match for work to look more professional." Erin had honestly not noticed. As Brian she had just not cared about hair all that much. Erin called her mom over and asked what she thought. Mom said "Oh by all means go back to your natural color. I've wanted you to do that forever, but I didn't want to fight about it." Erin agreed. Then the stylist showed her a couple of options for a do. After Erin chose, she trimmed around the edges and then put a smock over her and washed, died and dried her hair and put a hair product in it and combed It into the style she had shown Erin. Erin had to admit she looked much more like a well done up office worker now. The wild look was gone. She asked the stylist for instructions how to do that herself. The stylist gave her a website address to look at, and Erin asked her to print it out since she didn't have access to the internet at home. The stylist did and then went over it with Erin. Then Erin's mom paid the bill along with a good tip, and Erin asked where the best place was to get a piercing in the mall. The Stylist directed her to a tattoo parlor in the basement that was known for being clean and knowledgeable. Erin was impressed and asked the best place in the mall to get her nails done? The stylist gave Erin directions to a place right across the mall that she said was good and inexpensive. OK! They went to the tattoo parlor first. The woman who was on duty greeted them and asked how she could be of help. Erin said that she wanted to get her ears pierced and heard that this shop was clean and knew what they were doing. The lady said "A good recommendation. Excellent. Yes, I pride myself on doing the most sanitary piercing in the mall, and I know exactly the perfect place to do any kind of piercing. I've been piercing for over 5 years." That sounded great to Erin. She handed Mary to mom and said "I just want standard earrings." The lady then noticed Erin's mom holding Mary and said, "What a cute baby," and spent a moment ooing and ahing. Then she asked Erin, "Do you have clean posts with you to keep the hole open?" Erin, "No, what would some cost? Or should I buy them at Claire's?" The lady made a face and said "I can beat Claire's prices with better earrings. Over in the corner there are some earrings to wear right after piercing. I would go for a gold post. They are hypoallergenic and easy to keep clean." Erin selected a pair for $25 and the lady soaked them in alcohol to disinfect them. The lady said "I use needles. They take a little longer than the machine and hurt a little. Do you want some pain reducer?" "What kind?" asked Erin. Lady, "Orajel." Erin, "Orajel? OK." Then the lady applied some orajel and waited a few minutes and then cleaned it off and disinfected the area and put a back to the ear lobe and took a needle out of a disinfected package and placed it carefully and pushed it through the ear. It was a little painful, but not too bad. Then the lady disinfected the needle again and repeated the process on the other ear with the same results. Finally, she carefully put the starter earrings through the holes and gave Erin verbal instructions on how to care for them, and then produced printed instructions. She said the cost with the starter earrings was $65. Erin's mom paid her. Then the lady said, "Can I see your tattoos?" Erin pulled up her sleeves and showed them. The lady said, "Where did you have them done? I would guess they are a couple of years old." Erin said, "A friend did them," although in truth Erin didn't have a clue who did them. Erin said, "I hate them. They are so ugly. Is there anything I can do about them?" The lady said "Yeah, they are ugly. I didn't want to say anything, but since you recognize it. I would recommend a dermatologist and laser removal. Every other method is bullshit. Even the laser removal probably won't be total, they could still be faintly visible. It is expensive. But if you are able to afford it, have it done sooner rather than later. It will be more effective. Another option would be to get a better tattoo over the top. But that is expensive too." Erin asked if she could recommend a local dermatologist who knew what he was doing, and the woman took one of her cards down and wrote a couple of names and phone numbers. Erin thanked her for the advice and picked up Mary from her mom and they left. Both Mom and Erin had noted that Mary was showing signs of needing to nurse. Mom said the restroom on the second floor was close and had a room where she could sit and nurse. While Erin sat with Mary, her mom said she would go check out the nail place. While she and Mary were there, several women came by and cooed at the baby and talked to Erin and told her how pretty her baby was, which of course pleased Erin no end. Two of them talked about their own babies and their own experiences with pregnancy and delivery. Erin was amazed at how willing they were to share intimate details. It was while sitting in public, nursing, that she felt the most conflict between her past as Brian and her current situation. No man would share any details about anything so intimate, and she did not think she would share such details, even if she could remember them. Erin wondered if she would ever feel really comfortable as a woman? Well the only really important thing is that she felt comfortable as Mary's mother. Her mother came back and told her that they had a nail appointment at 4:15. Did Erin think Mary could last that long? Erin shrugged her shoulders, she didn't know. Then a lady about mom's age came through and engaged Erin's mom in conversation about how pretty her daughter was and how great it was that Erin was willing to nurse the child since that was really the healthiest alternative for children and how cute her granddaughter was and how lucky Erin's mom was. By the time she was done, Erin was blushing, and her mom was smiling. Apparently, both this lady's daughters had decided to pursue careers and to not have any children. Even though the woman was proud of her daughter's achievements, she felt not having grandchildren was a big loss. When Erin and Mary were finished nursing, they got up, and Erin checked Mary and changed her diaper and cleaned her up. As they left, Erin's mom gave her shoulder a squeeze and said, "That lady was right, I am lucky." Erin was moved. But she laughed and said, "When you total up the bill for today, you might not think so Mom." Then they went to the food court and bought a 6" sub and shared it while they waited for 4:15. While they sat there, Erin played with Mary as quietly as she could. But Mary started laughing and shrieking, so Erin and her mom decided to walk around to calm her. But Erin still did things with Mary. She sang and where she could she did a subtle dance. Mary seemed to be happy, so they decided to keep the 4:15 appointment. When they arrived, Erin handed Mary to her mom, who found a place to sit. The woman at the nail salon went spent a little time with Mary and said she was a very pretty baby and would be a beautiful girl. Then she looked at Erin's hands and shook her head. Erin told her she was busy with childcare and was working on a keyboard and hadn't had time to do anything with her nails for a while. Did the woman have any advice. Well, said the woman, Erin should at least put a clear coat of polish on to protect her nails. And simply clipping them left them unsightly and subject to snags. She should file her nails once a week rather than clip. If she didn't have time for that, she should at least file after she clipped to smooth things out. Erin asked what she should do to them to look a little more feminine and attractive at work. The woman said that she could file them and apply pink polish, or she could get some short tips and put them on. Erin asked the woman to file her nails and apply the polish and tell her how she was doing everything, so Erin could duplicate it during the week. And what brand of file and polish should she use? The woman was happy to comply and when Erin left her hands looked much more feminine and she had a small bag of nail care products. Erin's mom once again paid the bill. By this time, Mary was clearly showing signs she was very tired. She had been a real sweetheart today but was coming to the end of her good humor. So, Erin and her mom left as quickly as they could to get home. When home she decided to let Mary have a nap even though it was late. So, she changed her diaper, and put on her onesie, which was just on the edge of being too small even though it was a Christmas gift, and lay down with Mary to get her to sleep. It only took a moment. Then Erin got up and went downstairs to talk to her family. Her dad was still at his club. Fran was dressed up and waiting for her boyfriend to pick her up. She noticed Erin and said, "Wow Erin, you look great. You clean up really good." Erin, "Thanks Fran, you look great yourself. You guys must be going someplace special." Fran, "Yeah, that club on Main. They have an eclectic combination of music. We'll dance the night away." Erin, "And then come home?" Fran smiled, "Maybe." Then her boyfriend was there and said hi to Erin and her mom and he and Fran were off. Erin went over to her mom and said "So, Mom, did you calculate how much we spent today?" Mom, "No, I don't think I will." Erin, "But I need to know. I intend to pay you back someday. Really." Mom, "Are you kidding. Do you know how long I've wanted to have an afternoon like this with you? It was, truly, my pleasure. I enjoyed it so much. Now, what should we do for dinner? I could order a pizza or Chinese." Erin, "Either's fine mom, you choose. I'll be happy." So, her mom called and ordered a large sausage, mushroom, and olive pizza, thin crust, lite cheese, extra sauce. That was what Erin had requested the last time they'd had one. Erin said, "Thanks Mom. Why a large?" Mom, "In case Dad wants some when he gets home." That made Erin ask, "Mom, why is Dad away at his club so much. You are so good to him, but he is away so much. Even I and Fran are good to him." Mom, "I don't know honey. I keep hoping he will change. But men are so strange. They just don't think of home and family the way women do. I don't think you and I will ever understand." That startled Erin. Was she really so girlish now that she wouldn't understand her father? She remembered when she had been Brian, he had always seemed to be with a group of guys. But Brian had assumed that when he got into a relationship with a woman that would change. Would it have? Apparently for some men, the preference for being with a group of guys lasted forever. She knew that young, unattached women seemed to be around a group of women most of the time. Were there some women who preferred that over time? She didn't know any. Most women and some men tended to spend time with the family after they married and/or had children. Erin suspected that Brian would have spent most time with his family had he had one. Erin couldn't imagine why a man would rather be with a group of men than with a loving family. So, mom was right. It must hurt her mom though to know that her husband preferred the company of his peer group to her company. Erin and her mom chatted for a few more minutes until the pizza was delivered. Before they sat down for dinner, Mary cried, and Erin had to get her up and change her and bring her down and let her nurse. While Mary was breastfeeding, Erin's mom brought her a piece of pizza, so she could eat while it was hot. Then Erin spent almost an hour playing with Mary, singing with her with Mary vocalizing along with Erin, dancing, laying her down and helping her turn over and sit up. By the time that was done, Mary was tired again. This time Erin decided to keep Mary up until normal bedtime, so they could sleep through the night. The next morning was church. Erin went through her normal routine, except she cleaned her earrings, did her hair, and did her makeup as she had been shown. Oh God, more time spent just getting ready every day. When Erin got downstairs, her father noticed the changes and complemented her. That lifted her spirits. In the sermon, as usual, Erin was the focus of the pastor's attention when he blasted sin. She was especially irate about that because he even wasn't talking about adultery. Was Erin going to be the bad example for every kind of sin; theft, murder, tax fraud? That seemed really unfair. After the sermon, Erin ran into Debbie, and asked if they were still getting together. Debbie said, "You bet, our mothers are arranging it now." So, they just hung out with some other kids until their mothers came to get them. Erin and Mary and her mom were riding home with Debbie's family and Dad would come get them later. Debbie's dad had a large SUV, but with Mary's extra stuff it was crowded but adequate and eventually they were on their way. Debbie's sister Sarah was sitting right across from Erin. Just to be friendly, Erin asked "How are you doing, Sarah?" Sarah shrugged dismissively and said "Busy. First year at the college and trying to adapt. Semester finals are in progress." This got Erin's attention, Erin and Sarah must have been in the same class in high school. Sarah had always ignored Erin at church, and Erin had wondered if the old Erin had somehow mistreated her. So, she made a point of trying to engage Sarah in further conversation. It didn't work. Sarah resolutely refused to have anything more to do with Erin. Furthermore, Sarah totally ignored Mary, who Erin knew was much more charming than her mother. Someone looking down her nose at Mary was one thing that was likely to raise Erin's ire. But she swallowed any feelings of anger and tried to remain as friendly as she could be. Debbie lived in a very large house in a very nice neighborhood. Mr. Silver pulled into the driveway, and everyone piled out. The adults went in first, followed closely by Sarah. That left Erin with only Debbie, who was having trouble getting around and could not really help. So, Erin was left to carry Mary and the two bags of Mary's extra clothes, diapers, and sleeping gear by herself. It wasn't that big a deal, just a little thoughtless, but Erin had a feeling that it was an indication of the attitude of at least some of the others. As she loaded their stuff in, another car arrived in the driveway. It was the Pastor. God, what bad luck that he had elected to visit the Silvers at this particular time. Erin repeated to herself several times; "I will remain civil." Erin noticed the Pastor stayed in his car while she and Debbie were walking in. Finally, Erin got Mary and all her stuff into the house and put the bags aside and found a couch to sit on. She needed to check how Mary was doing. Mary was wet and needed a change of diapers. Erin asked Debbie where she could change her and grabbed the extra diapers and went into Debbie's bedroom. She found that the Mary had leaked and had also had a BM. So, she had to clean Mary up and change clothes as well as the diaper and get the diaper liner flushed and the diaper packed into a plastic bag. It took several minutes until Mary was clean and smelled fresh again and Erin herself was washed up and ready to socialize. When she came out, the Pastor was talking to Mrs. Silver and Sarah while Mr. Silver was chatting with Mom and Debbie. Erin walked up to Mrs. Silver and said, "Hi, we haven't met yet. I'm Erin. And this is Mary." Mrs. Silver said, "I believe we met several years ago. I was on the school disciplinary board and reviewed an incident you were involved in in Gym class. Some equipment was broken. You were accused of being at fault and were suspended for a couple weeks." Erin, "Hm, Yeah, I guess I forgot." Mrs. Silver, "I'm sure you would like to forget. But I and others involved haven't." Erin said, "I'm sorry" and walked over to the couch and sat down with Mary alone. She wasn't sure what she could do at this point that was helpful. After a bit Mary started showing signs of tiredness. So, Erin found Debbie and asked if she could put Mary down for a nap on her bed. Debbie said "Sure, how can I help?" Erin, "Can you get enough pillows to make a barrier, so she doesn't roll off?" Debbie found 8 pillows and Erin tried to put Mary down, but she continued fussing. So, Erin laid down with her and held her and hummed to her, and slowly she calmed down and eventually fell asleep. It had taken Erin almost half an hour to get her down. Then she got up, set up the pillow barrier, and went out to the living room. Then she went out to the living room, only to find the others waiting for her. "Erin," Mr. Silver said, "Your mother has been telling us that you have made a big change in your life since you came home and the end of October. She's obviously very proud of you. Can you tell us about it?" Erin thought about the best way to explain it to them, unhappily knowing that she couldn't tell the whole truth. Finally, she said, "First, let me apologize to you all for what a jerk I was in high school. I know I did some awful things, and some very stupid things. I have no excuses. I cannot for the life of me figure out why I behaved as I did. I especially want to apologize to my mother who put up with it 24/7 but kept loving me." Then she paused, and asked "Can I get something to drink please? Coffee or tea or water." It was Debbie, as difficult as she felt getting around, who went to the kitchen and got her a glass of water. Erin took a sip and continued. "Near the end of high school, I did the stupidest things yet. I slept with my boyfriend without protection and got pregnant, and I decided it wasn't important to finish high school; dumb, dumb, dumb." The pastor jumped in, "And wicked, contrary to the 10 commandments." Erin controlled herself and replied, "Maybe. But whatever it was, I was out of control and soon after my child's birth I had a fight with my mother and called her things that were wrong and hurtful. That was truly wicked." "After that I ran off with my boyfriend Rex taking my child with me. Once again stupid, endangering my precious, innocent child. Rex and I were on the road for a little over a month, making a living by stealing and dealing drugs. Even more stupid and wicked. One night, Rex and I got high and somehow Rex and I ended up in a fight and Rex kicked me and Mary out of the motel room with no money, no clothes (literally), nothing. It was even worse than it sounds because I was addicted to a prescription drug, and I was less than 8 hours away from going through withdrawal. I was lucky, because I met a man, Brian, who was willing to help me. He gave me some clothes and shelter and a little something to eat. Later that night, thinking that Rex would be asleep, after all he was high too, I snuck back into the room and tried to steal my and Mary's clothes and some drugs. Rex was not asleep. He caught me and raped me, which was not the first time. He showed some generosity though, because when he was done he threw me, Mary's clothes and my clothes back out into the hallway before he told me if I ever came back he would kill me. I dragged the clothes back up to Brian's room where Mary was and started the process of getting my life sorted out. It was obvious, even to someone as foolish as me, that I was on the wrong path. And I determined to do whatever I could to get myself clean and care for Mary." "Brian was on his way to Blakefield and asked if I wanted to come with him. But there was a catch. To get the ride home, to where I might get the help that I and Mary needed, I would have to sleep with Brian on the way. I did it. You can call me a whore if you want Pastor, because I have called myself the same thing. But it was the cost of getting home to where I could get help. No, I didn't go through withdrawal. I had hidden a few pills in my suitcase and Rex didn't find them. I cut my drug usage by half and just had enough pills to get back to Blakefield. I called my parents and begged them for help, begged them to pay my way into detox, so I could get clean and keep my child and take care of her properly. Fortunately, they are the most warm, generous, caring people in the world, and they said yes. So, I turned my precious daughter over to my mother and went into detox. It was tough, but I was glad to be there, because it was a new beginning." "Since then I've dedicated myself to two things, repaying my parents who had suffered so much from my stupidity and who were, nevertheless, so generous in their help, and finding a way to properly care for my innocent child. And I want to emphasize that last phrase, what I did in conceiving her was stupid and may have been wicked, but my child is neither. She is totally innocent. She is a delightful baby and deserves as good as any child." "Debbie wanted me to tell what my life is like today. My life today is very busy, but good. I spend a lot of time taking care of my child, and I love it, even though some of it is deadly dull. I change a lot of diapers, I clean a lot of clothes, I bath Mary and nurse her. But some of it is fascinating. I spend a lot of time playing with Mary and I love to see her grow and develop. In addition, I have parents who love me and love Mary, and I am making progress toward getting a GED, so I can support her properly. I am helping around the house to partly repay my parents. I am also working part time, so I can buy Mary some things she needs and to pay my parents back some of the money I owe them. But I want to emphasize, without the support of my parents, none of this would be remotely possible. I would be either on the street or I would be in some sort of county home, and I and Mary would just be eeking by. Or I could lose Mary altogether, and she would be in foster care. Some of the foster homes are people who care and want to contribute, but too many are people supplementing their income who only care a little. I want to say again, "Thank You Mom and Dad. You are special people, to continue helping me. You are enabling me to raise your granddaughter in such a manner that she has a future." "One more thing. I and Debbie are different in some ways. I was a long-time bad kid who discovered how foolish she was only just in time to try to turn it around and was lucky enough that her mom and dad were willing to give her one more chance. You could make the case that I don't deserve to be forgiven. That I did too many bad things. But Debbie was always a good kid. An 'A' student in school and engaging in lots of positive out of school activities, lots of charitable work. Yes, she made a mistake. But she is still a good kid. She deserves to be forgiven and supported. Mr. and Mrs. Silver and Sarah, Debbie deserves your love and support. Lumping me and Debbie together and using your deserved anger at me to justify anger at Debbie is not fair. Please don't do it. The biggest similarity between the two of us is that we will both raise children born out of wedlock. Neither child chose how they were conceived. They are innocent, and both have the potential to be a good, loving child and a contributing adult if they are raised well. Please give that chance to your grandchild." Then the pastor said, "Can you tell me if you are pregnant again." Erin, "Yes." Pastor, "You make yourself sound sympathetic. But you have not repented. You have indulged in adultery again. You mock God." Erin, "Two months ago, I was with what I thought was a friend at a restaurant, and I drank a coke that he bought me. I woke up 6 hours later in Lambart Park, butt naked, with no memory of what happened. Blood tests showed I had GHB in my system. That is a date- rape drug. If you don't believe me, the records are on file with the police. You can check, I will sign a permission sheet to void the privacy laws. It was after the rape that tests showed I was pregnant. What was my sin Pastor? Drinking a coke? Trusting someone? What would you have me do now Pastor? Would you have me abort the fetus? Would you have my parents reject me for something I could not help? What?" Pastor, "And how many other times have you had sex since you got home? Erin looked him straight in the eye and glared, "None, not that it is any business of yours." Fortunately, Mary started crying at that moment. Erin excused herself to go to Mary and spent 20 minutes getting her up, changing her diaper, and giving her a chance to nurse. Then she came back out carrying Mary and found that the Pastor had left. 'Good riddance,' she thought. Her mom said that Mr. Silver would be giving them a ride home soon, so she should get her things together. Erin went back to Debbie's room and consolidated her stuff and started to bring it back out to the entryway. But Sarah came in and picked up one of the bags and said, "Here let me help you with that." And she leaned in closer and whispered, "Thanks for being Debbie's friend." Even Ms. Silver seemed slightly less condemning, and spent a little time cooing to Mary. Then Mom said Mr. Silver was ready. So, Erin went out with help from Sarah, who thanked Erin for coming. Debbie was in the middle seat and indicated Erin should get in beside her, while Erin's mom got in front. Debbie also thanked Erin for coming and whispered, "Please believe me Erin, I had no idea the Pastor would be here. I'm so sorry it got nasty." Erin said, "I know that, Debbie. I didn't think you would set me up. I hope I did you some good. How are you holding up?" Debbie, "OK, but I'm tired and I feel like a beached whale and I just wish it was over. I still need you to come help me at the hospital Erin." Erin, "I'll be there. Love you Debbie." When they finally got into the house and sat down, Erin's mom said that there were some very intense exchanges. Erin asked, "Which ones? I was only aware of two, between me and Mrs. Silver and between me and the Pastor." Mom, "When you were putting Mary down, the pastor and Mrs. Silver grilled me on everything you have been doing. It was almost like a third degree." Erin, "That bastard. By what right does he treat you like that? I'm going to call him and tell him what a prick he really is." Mom, "Erin, language. That won't do any good. But thanks for wanting to defend me." Erin, "I'm sorry to get you involved Mom. I didn't know that the Pastor would be there. I didn't know you would be the target of anything other than innocent questions about what it was like living with a grandbaby." Momreplied, "I's OK Erin. I hope we helped mend some fences. By the way, I just realized that that is the first time I have heard you curse since you got home. Almost 4 months." At that Erin laughed and said, "Is 4 months a record? Sorry mom, I won't let it become a habit. But I reserve the right to use profanity every time I think about the pastor." Mom, "Erin, do you want to stop going to church. Fran hasn't been willing to go for several years. I am going mainly to keep Dad happy and because we have many friends in the Church." Erin, "Really? I didn't realize that Fran had a problem with the church. I thought she just worked Sundays." Mom, "No, that is just a convenient excuse." Erin, "Mom, I will continue in the church. I want you and Dad to be happy. And I don't want to leave Debbie as the only target of Pastor's anger. I can deal with it." Mom, "By the way, there are some things I learned tonight that you never told me. About the way Rex treated you, and about this mysterious Brian and what you had to do for a ride home. Why didn't you just call us up? Dad would have come gotten you." Erin, "I didn't know whether you would help or not, especially, given the circumstances. After all we didn't part on the best of terms. I was worried about losing Mary. I just needed to talk to you in person and tell you I wanted to change my life. And I never told you about how Rex and Brian treated me because I was so ashamed of myself for going along with it. I had a hard time admitting to myself how low I'd fallen. I couldn't admit it to you. I'm sorry." (Erin hated the fact that she had to lie, even now.) Mom, "I don't blame you for anything Erin. I love you. I'm glad we are trusting each other and can talk more now. You are doing so much better. I'm sure that will never happen again. But if you are ever in trouble again, don't hesitate to ask us for help." The next day, Erin's weekday schedule resumed. Up early, get herself ready for work and get Mary ready for the day at Infant Care, have breakfast, ride in with her mom, drop Mary at infant Care on the way. However, it did take a little longer to get ready now. She had to style her hair and do makeup. Erin decided to bring in her picture of herself and Mary sitting on that poor department store Santa's lap. It would help personalize her work space and tell her coworkers who she was. When she got in the first thing she did was proudly place it on her desk. Then Erin reviewed her schedule. She had a meeting with the project engineer to go over the first draft report at 10:30, and she had committed to have an initial draft report to the feds for review by the end of the day. Lots to do. As she prepared to get started, Virginia came in and looked at Erin, and said, "Wow, did you get a new do. Looks great." Erin, "Yeah. Mom sprang for a dye job, haircut, getting my ears pierced, and a makeover. It was fun." Virginia, "Wow, who would think that Mrs. McLoughlin would spoil her daughter. She has a reputation for being so hard-nosed." Erin laughed, "She can be. But inside she is really sweet. I love her to pieces. She spoils me and Mary all the time." Virginia, "Mary, Your sister?" Erin, "No, my daughter." Then she pointed to the picture. "She's only 6 months old. I sort of made a mistake in a relationship. The relationship is over, but something good came out of it, my daughter. I'm living with my parents while I am getting my feet on the ground." Virginia, "Jeez, no rumors about that have hit the circuits. Can I tell people?" Erin, "Why not, Virginia." Virginia, "By the way Erin, I'd prefer you call me Ginni." Erin, "Ok Ginni." Erin started by checking her work email. She had a reply from Mr. Pederson saying he was glad the city documents were there and thanks for notifying him, so he could quit worrying about them. And she got an email from the project engineer confirming the 10:30 appointment. She had three things on her list. 1) Finish the comparison between the sample document she'd gotten from the Blakefield County MPA. 2) Scan the new documents from the city to enter into the "Supporting Documents" worksheet on the report. 3) Enter information from the new documents into the introduction or construction worksheets in the report excel file. Erin decided to start this morning by working on the third, entering the information on the new documents into the report file. Doing this first presented the danger that she might need to redo some things if her comparison with the sample file indicated a formatting problem. On the other hand, it might make the project engineer's review more productive. So, she went through the papers again and separated out those that applied to the introduction, those that applied to the construction (For the first month of the project) and those which would only be useful when she did the reports for later months. Then she decided to work on those that applied to construction for the first month of the project. These were construction activity reports with city engineer comments. She had already gotten the activity reports, so all she had to do was read the city engineer comments and see if there was anything that should go into the construction activity section of the report to the feds. She went through those carefully and made a few additional comments on several days report on construction activity. Then she started going through the city material that applied to the introduction. First, she looked at the city's grant application. Good Lord, it was 100 pages long. She started to go through it carefully. But was interrupted when the project engineer came to her desk and asked hesitantly, "Are you Erin McLoughlin?" She looked up and smiled and said "Yes, you must be the project engineer for the Blakefield Road work." "Yes," he said. "I'm a little surprised. I thought you would be um, a, ..." "Older?" she said. "It's Ok, I don't mind being told I look like a kid. That's what I am. So, let's get to work. I know you don't have much time." Engineer, "Um. I was told by management that I should take the time. I am at your disposal." Erin, "Great. But I will try not to waste your time. I thought I would talk about what documentation I have and am using to put the reports together. Then I would go over the content of the section of the report that deals with construction activity. Please feel free to break in at any time with any extra information or comments or questions you might have. That is what I hope to get from you. Then I will talk about the introductory section, because there is a lot of technical information in it and I would like to get your thoughts. At the end, if there is time, I will give you what background I have on the reporting format and required content. Does that sound reasonable?" Engineer, "Yeah, it sounds like a good approach. Can I pick up a cup of coffee before we start? I can get you one too. Cream? Sugar?" Erin, "Yes, Thanks. Just a little creamer please." While the engineer was gone, Erin saved the draft report under a new name and went to the sections she wanted to start with and started refreshing her memory, so she could answer questions from him easily. The engineer returned in a few minutes with two cups of coffee and gave one to Erin. She thanked him and then started the review. She went section by section and several places made significant changes. The engineer noticed that she seemed familiar with basic construction and project procedures and even seemed familiar with more advanced engineering. So, she was able to make any changes he suggested without stumbling over concepts. Several times he had some questions on clarity, and she stopped, and they found a way of rewording the information that he was comfortable with. He said thanks for taking his concerns into account and she replied that he had to be comfortable because it was an official statement about his project. No one was going to come to her and ask why the project was done the way it was, they would come to him. So, if he had any concerns at all, please voice them. He was thankful that she understood that. They had gotten through the statements of construction actions for the first month and it was noon. He said "Erin, I have an appointment for lunch, but I will return at 1:30 if that was OK?? " Sure," she said. Erin sat and took a breath. She'd hoped to be done with the review by noon. But there was still a significant amount to cover. Well, noon might give her a chance to fill in some more information from the city's latest documents into the introduction. So, she grabbed her half PB&J sandwich, intending to take a few bites and put it aside while she went over the city's grant application. Then Ginni said "Hey Erin. A group of us eat together in the break room. You're welcome to join us." Erin, "Will Leah be there? Will it be OK?" Ginni, "Oh sure. Leah's prickly sometimes, but is really OK. Come on." Erin got her sandwich and apple and followed along. She sat down with five other girls, all a couple of years older than Erin. Ginni said, "Hey everyone. This is Erin. She is a contractor who is putting together some reports Pederson owes the feds. She is also Mary McLoughlin's daughter, so keep any whining about office policy at a professional level." "Hi" was all Erin could say. Leah said "Hi Erin. How are you?" Erin, "Hi Leah. Fine. How about you?" Leah, "I'm good. Say, I didn't mean anything by my comment the other day. Sorry." Erin, "Sorry I jumped on you. It's a touchy subject. But I was wrong to lose my temper." Then the other girls introduced themselves one by one. One, named Carli, asked "So Erin, would you tell us something interesting about your mother?" Erin, "Yes, my mother put up with a daughter who was in trouble her entire high school years and kept loving her daughter and supporting her all that time, even when her daughter got pregnant by an absolute jerk and ran off with him. So that tells you who my mother is." All the girls were quite surprised. But soon the conversation drifted to other subjects. Erin munched her lunch and enjoyed being part of the group and shared her ideas when a subject came up she knew something about. At 1, Erin returned to her desk and started reading the city grant application again. On page 5, she found demographic data for the project. She typed it into the report file in the proper format. She noted it was not quite the correct information but would ask the feds to tell her if they needed a revision. That was a big find. Then the project engineer came back, and they started going over the introduction to the report. This went fairly quickly, because there were still some sections where Erin had not been able to enter any information. Erin told him that they had all the data, but she hadn't gotten to it yet. However, she did ask what he knew about road assessments that the city had done. He told her they did a post assessment when they signed off the project. She should be able to find it with the certificate of completion, which was in the engineering reports. Then she asked if he was comfortable sending it forward. He said sure, he thought so. She asked if he would send her an email authorizing release, so it was clear she was not exceeding her authority. The engineer said sure. The project engineer went back to his desk, drafted and sent an email to Erin saying he authorized release of the draft report to outside parties for review unless there were substantial changes after this time, in which case he would like to review the changes. Then he called Mr. Pederson's office, as requested. Mr. Pederson said he would be available to talk in a few minutes. The engineer went down to the office and was ushered in. Mr. Pederson, "Well, what do you think, Chuck? Is she going to be able to get those reports in?" Chuck, "Looks like it. She's pretty amazing. A high school drop-out, unwed mother? You sure? Her language skills are great, her understanding of the software is great, and, somehow, she understands basic engineering and can explain what was done and, in a few cases, she even inferred what happened that led us to do something the way it was done. I've met engineering graduates who couldn't do what she's doing. Where the hell did you get her?" Mr. Pederson laughed, "She walked into my office. Actually, she is Mary McLoughlin's daughter. Apparently, she heard her mother talk about our dilemma, and decided it was an opportunity. She asked her mother if we would listen to a presentation. At that time, I was willing to listen to any halfway credible idea. So, she put together a presentation and sold it. I assume you are recommending I continue giving her space and access to computer resources." Chuck, "Sure. No question. She is an asset to the firm. If you could hire her full- time permanent you should. She would be an incredibly effective engineering aid." Mr. Pederson, "Maybe, but now it makes no sense for her to work at a normal salary because infant care costs would be higher than what she could earn. And apparently, she is pregnant again. So, she won't be able to work a normal schedule for a couple of years. But if some special project comes up, I will consider offering it to her." In the meantime, Erin had finished going through the city's grant application. She had entered the demographic information and road condition assessment before the project was done into the introduction worksheet. Then she went through all the remaining documents one by one and entered any data that belonged in the report. She did find an assessment of pavement condition after the project. It was couched in terms of a complicated assessment of how long until resurfacing was necessary and how long until complete replacement of the road was necessary. Erin understood it, but that was not necessary, really all she needed to do was copy it from the document. By the time she was finished going through the new documents from the city and entering pertinent information into the report, it was 4:30. Erin still needed to scan the new documents and put them in the supporting documents worksheet and finish the comparison with the sample report. There was no way she was going to be able to finish tonight. She sent an email to the federal office who would receive the reports that she would not be able to send a draft report for review tonight but would send a draft at about noon tomorrow. Then she started scanning the documents from the city onto her computer. She was about halfway through when it was time to leave. She had to leave an hour early to go to her Monday therapy session. Her mom and she followed their now familiar routine, picking up Mary, stopping for an hour at her drug therapists, and at home giving Mary extra attention to make up for being apart all day. That night she called Debbie to ask how she was. Debbie said "I'm doing OK, but I'm really tired. I'm ready for this to be over any time. Erin, were you really tired 2 weeks before Mary was born." Erin "Yeah, I think so. But I was so high most of the time that I can't really remember." Debbie "In some ways, I wish I was too." Erin, "No you don't. I was worried sick that what I was doing would hurt my child. But I couldn't help myself. It was so stupid." Debbie, "I know Erin. I'm just so uncomfortable." Erin changed the subject, "Is your mom better?" Debbie, "I think so. We didn't talk much today. In some ways, I liked it better when we were fighting. At least I knew what she was thinking." Erin, "God Debbie, I hope I didn't screw everything up for you yesterday. Maybe you should make a point of letting your mother know you love her and need her. I know it opens you to abuse, but maybe it's worth the risk." Debbie, "I'll think about it. She was never a very warm person. But at least we could talk. On the plus side, Sarah was really nice yesterday after you left and today. We've been closer than ever before. I hope it continues." Erin, "You mind if I keep calling every evening. I want keep up with what is happening with you at this time." Debbie, "Yes, please keep calling. It gets my spirits up. Especially now that I don't feel good enough to go to school." Erin followed up on the new subject, "Are you getting class notes and assignments. Believe me, it is better to graduate, even if it is a pain, than to try to study for a GED when you have an infant to care for. You will be glad you have that degree in hand, if there is any way to manage it at all. And you will be happy if you can manage to get into the yearbook. You think it doesn't matter now, but it'll matter to you later." Debbie laughed, "Yes mother. I understand. I'll work on it." Erin, "Oops, Mary is crying. Gotta go. Talk to you tomorrow. If there is any problem, here is my number at work: xxx-xxx-xxxx." Then she went and comforted Mary. The downside to Mary growing more aware of the outside world was that if Mary roused and heard Erin talking she would make noise for her to come and be with her. But that was OK, just part of the process. The next day at work, Erin started by scanning the remaining documents and importing the documents into the excel "Supporting documents worksheet." Then she started on the process of linking all the information she had entered to the appropriate documents. She was almost done when she got a phone call. She answered and said hello. No response. She said hello again. Then she said, "Who is this?" She heard a faint response "Debbie." Erin, "Debbie, what's wrong? Are you all right?" There was no response. Erin dropped her phone and ran to her mother's desk and told her what happened. Mom immediately realized there was a problem and said "Erin, let's get to her house and see what is going on. Erin went and grabbed her coat and they ran out to Mom's car. Her mom handed Erin her cell and said, "Call 911. See if you can get them to go to Debbie's house." Erin wished she had a smart phone. She was sure she could get Debbie's address that way. But all she could do now is call 911. The 911 person asked for the Parent's names. All Erin could give them was the last name. But the 911 person did the best she could with that and then read off an address, Erin said "Yes, that sounds right." Meanwhile Mom was driving as fast as she safely could toward Debbie's house. Ten minutes later they were there. A police car was in the driveway and the door was open. Erin ran in and saw the officer giving first aid to Debbie. A moment later an aid car arrived, and the paramedic started working on Debbie. Erin heard the other paramedic call a hospital and said they would be bringing in a pregnant lady in shock. Then they put Debbie on a stretcher and took her to the aid car. Erin asked them what hospital? They were so busy that they ignored her. Finally, Erin screamed in his face, "Please tell me what hospital." He paused briefly, "St Mary's". Then they were off. The police officer asked if they lived here. Erin said, "No, I'm just a friend. She called me at work and I called 911. He took her identifying information, and Mom's, and said they would have to leave and he would have to lock the house up. Erin, said, wait, let me leave the family a note. She wrote a note telling what happened and which hospital Debbie was at. Then she saw a note, apparently for Debbie, with phone numbers of the other three family members and put it in her pocket. After they left, Erin asked mom if they could go to the hospital. "Sure," Mom said. While they were traveling, Erin called the three numbers of the family members. None answered, but Erin left a message on each phone. At the hospital, she went to the emergency room, but when she told them she was a friend, not a family member, they would not release any information. She asked where she could wait, and they directed her to the public waiting room. They had waited about a half hour before Sarah came frantically into the emergency room. She went to the desk and identified herself and asked if her sister was there. Since she was family, they told her "Yes she is here, she is in surgery, and the doctor will be out and talk to you after surgery is complete." Sarah broke into tears, and then noticed Erin standing there and hugged her and said. "Erin, I got your message. How did you know? What happened?" Erin, "I gave Debbie my work number. She called me, apparently when she couldn't reach anyone else. So, I called 911, and they sent out a police officer who found her. Honestly, that is all I know." Sarah, "Thank God she reached you. We all thought she was OK and her date was two weeks off, so I guess none of us was careful about being available." Just then Debbie's father came in. He noticed Sarah and came and asked her what was happening. She told him, and he looked worried. Finally, he noticed Erin and her mom and said thanks. Ten minutes later when Debbie's mom came in, Sarah told her the same story. The hospital personnel came out and said they could wait in the family waiting room. The family asked if Erin and her mom could come in too. That was all right. They all sat and waited and made conversation, as people do in such circumstances. An hour later, a doctor came out in scrubs, and told them that Debbie had had an internal hemorrhage. They had induced pregnancy, and then opened Debbie up to get access to the bleed. Her son was fine, and Debbie was in critical condition, but stable. There was every possibility that Debbie would be OK. But if she had gotten to the hospital 10 minutes later, she probably wouldn't have made it. The family asked if they could see her and the baby. The Doctor said they could see the baby, but Debbie needed to get stronger before she could see anyone. So, they all trouped up to the viewing area and saw a mirror reflection of Debbie's baby peacefully sleeping in a basinet. He looked like a healthy, happy child. Then Erin and her mom told everyone that they had to go back to work and would call later. Erin gave them her work phone and asked them to call her if anything changed. Sarah gave Erin her phone number to call if she needed. When Erin finally sat down again it was 3:30. She sent an email to the federal office explaining that she had had to take a half a day off for a personal emergency and so would not be able to get the report out today after all. She would have it in early tomorrow. Then she spent a few minutes choking down her sandwich and apple and went back to constructing the links between the information from the new city documents to the documents themselves. She finished just as she had to leave and saved a copy of the report to the computer and to the cloud and shut everything down. Then she went to her mother's desk and said, "Hey Mom, I'm ready to go any time." Her mother had to finish something so Erin waited 10 minutes in the chair beside her desk and then they left and picked up Mary and went home. The first priority for Erin was giving Mary some extra attention, having been away all day. Then she called Sarah, who answered on the first ring. Sarah told Erin that Debbie's status had been upgraded to fair, but that she was still not feeling great and Erin should wait to visit until tomorrow. Erin thought that would be OK, she would able to do get there to visit. It was a long walk from work to St Mary's, but it was doable. Later that night after Mary was asleep, Erin called Clara. Erin thought they had been close when she had been Brian, but now she felt an incredible connection with her sister and always loved to just talk. Clara answered on the third ring. Erin asked if she had time to talk. Clara said "Sure. What's up." Erin told her about visiting Debbie this weekend and then her having a bleeding problem today and how scary that was. Hopefully when the baby came home, her family would not just tolerate the situation, but they would support her. She needed the support if she was going to get through school. She had 4? months to graduate and it would be so much better if she could get that degree. Clara agreed, and said all they could do was hold their fingers. Then they talked about Erin's project and how it was going. Erin estimated she would have the first report out tomorrow, and then it would take her two to three days for each report. That was two - three weeks to the end of the project. But that would mean that Pederson would be paying fines again next month. Erin had a feeling that there would be some pressure to for her to work extra to avoid any more fines. She couldn't blame them. Finally, Erin asked about her other family, particularly about her mother and father. Clara told her about what was going on with both of them, most important that they were both healthy and happy. Clara did mention that they were worried sick about Brian. Then she said "Erin, maybe we should consider telling them that you and Brian switched bodies, and that the baby you are carrying is their grandchild." Erin, "That's a scary thought. What do you think the odds of them believing it are? And how would I go about it? If I can't convince them I will never be able to talk to them again. That would be awful. I've been looking forward to talking with them at your wedding." Clara, "Maybe you should just come over and visit me some weekend. That would give you an opportunity to see them. Maybe an approach to telling them would suggest itself." Erin, "OK, but not right away. I think I could be doing lots of things this weekend, either working extra at Pederson or helping Debbie." Then Clara had another call and had to say goodbye. Erin cleaned up, brushed her teeth, did her evening hair and beauty routine, and went to bed beside Mary. The next day at work, Erin spent a couple of hours finishing the comparison of her draft with the sample report she had gotten from the Blakefield County MPA. In the process she checked all the links she had put in yesterday. Then she retitled the document a final draft and saved it to her computer, to the cloud, and to dropbox. She called the project engineer and explained that she had been out a couple of hours yesterday because her girlfriend had had a medical emergency, and so she was just sending the draft of the first report to the federal transportation reporting agency. Did he want to look at it one more time? He asked if there were substantive changes, and she said no. He said, just send it. She asked if he would send her an email to that effect? He said yes. She felt like she was being paranoid asking for this, but she was nervous about sending out a report on behalf of the company. She got notice that an email had been received from the project engineer. She checked it and it was a second authorization, referencing his previous email. Next, she composed an email to the federal transportation reporting agency explaining that she had gotten all the documentation for the project since she had talked to them last Thursday, so she had completed the report, and she had a draft report available that had all the information in it. The email then gave instructions as to how to access the report in dropbox and asked them to please review it as soon as possible and tell her if there were any problems. She copied the email to the project engineer and Mr. Pederson and held her breath and hit send. Ta Da. She hadn't realized that she was acting out when she hit the send key until Ginni clapped. Erin looked at her and smiled. "Ginni, if anyone asks, I am taking a long lunch to go to St. Mary's and see a friend." Then she changed to her flats, put on her coat, walked to Mom's desk and left a note telling her where she was, and headed down Main street to St. Mary's hospital. Erin arrived about 11:15 and had to ask what room Debbie was in. She found the room and looked in the door and there was Debbie with her new baby. My God, she thought, how could anything be more beautiful. She knocked on the door and waved and Debbie waved back and so Erin came in and said "God Debbie, it's so good to see you and your son. He's so beautiful. How are you doing? Can I come over and hug you?" Debbie, "The Doctor wants visitors to wear a mask. There's some on the desk. But when you do that, I would love a hug." Erin put on the mask and gave Debbie a hug. Debbie said, "I am OK. I'm so sore. Even sorer than most women after birth, because of the surgery. But I'm so happy to be done and to have a healthy child. The Doctor says the hard part's over, and I will feel much better in a couple of days." Erin smiled. "Obviously, he's never been a mother, or he would not tell you the hard part is over." Then Debbie said, "Erin, I have to thank you for calling 911. The Doctor said that if another half hour had gone by without treatment, I and Jeremy would have been goners. I tried to call all my family members, but none answered. I should have called 911, but I guess I just panicked and called someone I knew." Then she started crying. Erin gave her another hug and said, "Hey Debbie, my friend. I'm so glad everything turned out OK. I love you." Debbie, "I love you too, Erin." Then they moved onto lighter topics and talked about her son and why she named him Jeremy and Debbie's immediate plans for going home, and what her father was doing to her room and about her plans to go back to class in a few weeks and how that would work. Erin mentioned that she had sent forward the first of the seven reports she had been hired to do and how she was awaiting word on whether it was acceptable and if it was, then she would start cranking out the other reports, one about every three days. Then it was noon and the nurse came in with lunch. Erin noticed that Debbie seemed tired and decided that she would head back to work. So, she said, "Goodbye Debbie, see you tomorrow," and left. God she was glad Debbie and her child were OK. As she left the hospital, Erin gave a wistful thought to dropping by and knocking on her first mother, Jenny's, office door and asking how she was doing and telling her about what her son/daughter, Erin, was doing. But Jenny would think this woman at her door was obviously crazy and there would be no real chance for Erin to talk to her. When Erin got back to work at 12:30, she found an email from the Federal Transportation Reporting Office saying they had gotten her report and done a preliminary check with some analysis software and that the report appeared to be "valid". They would check it thoroughly and get back to her tomorrow. OK, that was good, but Erin would be on pins and needles until she got a final acceptance. Erin also got an email asking her to come by Mr. Pederson's office at 1:30. OK, that gave her a few minutes to eat her lunch. There had been no time while she was visiting Debbie. So, she took her half sandwich out and slowly munched it while she looked at the engineering reports from the city for the 2nd month of the project. This report Erin would only work with these since they were the same as the company's copies except they contained annotations from the city engineer. The first step was to scan them into her computer. That would have to wait until later, but she could take the opportunity to look them over and get a flavor of what was done the second month of the project. So, she set her computer alarm for 1:15 and proceeded to look at the engineer reports while she munched her sandwich and apple. The alarm went off after her last bite of sandwich but before she finished looking at the engineering reports. She stood up, decided to visit the bathroom, and did what she had to do, and then checked her appearance before going to Mr. Pederson's office. She told his secretary she had been requested to meet Mr. Pederson at 1:30. The secretary said, "Yes. Go right in. They are expecting you." She went in, and found Mr. Pederson, and the project engineer, and the company treasurer waiting for her. Mr. Pederson said, "Thank you for coming Miss McLoughlin. I see you have sent in your first report and gotten a response back from the feds that it is correct?" "Not quite sir" said Erin, "what they said was that automated tests indicated the report was valid. I take that to mean that it had the right worksheets and that information was entered under each required field. It might also indicate that there was enough content and links to fall within some expected limits. I don't know anything about the algorithms the automated software uses to test a report file. I will get final word tomorrow on whether the report is accepted." (The project engineer just shook his head hearing this sophisticated level of technical discussion from someone who looked like a high school student, a young one at that.) Mr. Pederson then asked "Miss McLoughlin, do you think that the report would be accepted?" Erin "There may be a few errors in format but, if so, I believe they will be easily corrected. Assuming it takes a day to do the review necessary to formally accept a report, I believe that the first report will be accepted tomorrow or the day after. Mr. Pederson then asked, "when do you estimate all the reports will be in?" Erin, "It will take about three days to do each of the reports. Maybe a little longer to do the last report, since there is an extra worksheet. I believe corrections to the first report, if any are necessary, will only take a few hours of my time. I have a few hours to work this afternoon, I would guess the remainder of the reports will be done in 4 weeks. Probably less." Mr. Pederson, "I would like to finish this as soon as possible. I would like to avoid as many fines and invoice the city for the final payout as soon as possible. If I gave you a full-time assistant, would that shorten the time?" Erin, "It would depend on the skills of the assistant, Sir. If all he or she could do is administrative help, it would help a little. If he or she could help entering information and constructing files, that might help a lot. However, even in the latter case, I doubt that it would shorten the time by anything like a factor of ?. The best we could expect is 2/3. So that would be 2 days per report, maybe a third day for the last report. A total of 13 days, 2 ? weeks. Mr. Pederson, "Would you be willing to work extra hours, maybe weekends, maybe evenings? I will pay you a $1000 bonus if you can finish in two weeks. $2000 if you can finish before the end of the month." Erin, "I will have to ask my mom, since infant care is not open outside of 8-6 on weekdays. But maybe we could work something out. Let me talk to you tomorrow. Who are you thinking of assigning to assist in this project?" Mr. Pederson, "the woman who sits next to you, Virginia Davis, can be spared from her financial clerk duties for a month. She is well thought of by her supervisor and I believe she knows some excel. I have heard that you are already acquainted with her." Erin, "Yes. I think we would work well together." After this conversation, Erin went to talk to her Mom. She asked "Mom, do you have a few minutes to talk." Mom, "Sorry dear, I'm tied up for a while. Can I catch up to you when I can?" Erin, "Sure, Mom. Give me a call when you are free." Then she went back to her desk, intending to finish reviewing the engineering reports that were produced during the time frame of the 2nd reports to the feds. When she got there, Ginni said, "Hey, Erin. I hear I am working for you for a few weeks." Erin, "Yes, they want me to get going on the federal reports. I'm glad to be working with you. I understand you have used excel." Ginni, "A little. I'm no expert. But I can bring it up and understand excel documents. I hope to learn more on this project. They must be in a hurry. They offered me overtime to match your hours. What your hours are going to be?" Erin, "That depends on what I can arrange with my mom. The absolute maximum is 12 hours/day, 6 days a week. I have to spend some time with my daughter." Ginni, "OK, that will work for me. Well what should I do first, boss." Erin laughed, "The first thing you can do is drop the boss. You can help most by focusing on the job, not on who's in charge of what. So, second, I think we should move this scanner to your computer. You will be doing most of the document scanning and organizing from now on. If you don't know how to scan, you'll have to learn. Do you know anything about document handling after that? I guess I should ask first if you have any memory capacity on your PC?" Erin showed Ginni how to display storage and check memory on her PC. She found that Ginni had a little unused capacity, but not enough. So, Erin called the IT guy and asked what he suggested. He noted that Ginni's PC was 6 years old. It not only had limited memory, but limited capacity for adding fast memory. He suggested a new PC. Her keyboard and monitor were ok, so she just needed a PC. He suggested a PC that was only slightly less capable than the one that Erin had gotten. Erin asked if he could transfer files from the old so Ginni could take up with her old assignments after the special project was over and if he would also transfer the scanner from Erin's to Ginny's new PC. He said sure. I have that computer available for another employee. I will give it to Ginni and reorder another one. Within minutes, The IT guy was backing up Ginni's disk onto the cloud in preparation for copying to a new computer that he had on her desk waiting for activation and copying on of Ginni's current files after the backup of the old computer was finished. In the meantime, Erin asked Ginni to help her go over the engineering reports that would go into the second federal report. She needed a written summary of each engineering report with the city annotations called out. They decided to work together in the break room, that way if Ginni had a question, Erin could answer it. Erin put a note on her desk, "Working in the Break Room," for her mom. Unfortunately, there was almost always someone in the break room wanting to talk. Erin had hoped the break room would be unoccupied during non-break time. Not true. Erin did not want to be upset, after all the people who wanted to talk were not breaking any rules. They were allowed short breaks to get coffee or soda or just to catch their breath. However, it made it impossible to work productively. So, Erin went to Mr. Pederson's secretary and asked if they might use the small meeting room. Yes, it was unoccupied and anyway Erin had priority. So, Erin and Ginni moved to the small meeting room and Erin changed her sign. Then they started making progress. About a half hour later, Erin's mom came in. Erin directed her to the break room so Ginni could keep working and told her what Mr. Pederson proposed. As Erin suspected, her mom readily agreed. Erin's mom loved this company. Pederson's had treated her and Erin's father very well through the years and she would gladly take on some extra care of Mary and some extra travel to help them out. After a discussion, Erin and Mom agreed that until the reports were done, Erin would stay and work till 8 and her mom would leave to pick up Mary at 5 and bring her back to work and care for her there . Her mom said they could start tonight, but Erin said "Mom, I don't have enough clothes or diapers for Mary in the bag." Her mom said, "Well, tell me what Mary needs and I will go home and pick it up." Mom would also provide transportation and childcare, so Erin could work the next two Saturdays from 9 to 5. Erin also asked her mom to cancel the next two Monday's therapy sessions. After that, Erin went back to the small meeting room and talked to Ginni. Ginni agreed to all the arrangements. Apparently, the overtime would really help Ginni, so she was eager for the work. Erin and Ginni continued working on summarizing the Engineering reports for the second month of construction for another hour until the IT guy came back and told them Ginni's new computer was done. Then they packed their stuff from the conference room and went back to their respective desks. Erin asked Ginni to first verify that the financial software she usually worked with would run on the new PC and that the data she had been working on was available on that software. While Ginni did that, Erin continued summarizing engineering reports. Finally, Ginni verified that all was well. Then she said, "Say Erin, would there be any advantage to accessing the financial data files for this project with my financial software and importing the results directly into the federal reports?" Erin had not thought of that. She replied, "I am already able to get a lot of the financial data directly after optical character recognition is used on the scanned financial reports, but there may be some advantage to accessing the financial data directly, perhaps even additional information. Let's try it on this next report and see." Erin, "OK, next step is to scan in the documents for the 2nd month of the project into the computer. Do you know how to use a scanner?" Then Erin looked around Ginni's computer, expecting to see the scanner that had been connected to Erin's computer now connected to Ginni's. It was not there. Then she looked at her computer, and the scanner was still connected. Erin said, "It looks like IT has forgotten to transfer the scanner. Ginni was confused. Erin was using unfamiliar language. Erin pointed to the scanner and said "That is a high-speed scanner. It should be connected to your computer now, not mine. " "Oh," Ginni said, "Does that mean we need to wait on the scanning until IT comes back in the morning?" Erin, "No sense spinning our wheels. I will just transfer it myself." Then, from the point of view of Ginni, Erin went onto her computer, did some magic, and then unhooked the cable between scanner and her PC. What Erin had actually done is go to the control panel and dismounted the scanner. Then Erin picked up the scanner, asked Ginni where she wanted it? Ginni pointed to an open spot within easy reach and said, "How about there?" Erin put the scanner where Ginni had pointed, crawled under the desk and connected the USB cable to a USB port on the back of Ginni's computer. Then a window came up on Ginni's computer saying it had found new hardware and asked if Ginni wanted to connect it. Ginni, with Erin's direction, clicked "Yes", and the computer did some stuff. Then a window came up and asked if they wanted to download a special driver or use the general Microsoft driver. Erin suggested "Ginni, it would be better to use the correct device driver. Check the box to download the special driver." Ginni said, "OK," and did as Erin suggested. Then a window sprang up and asked them to enter the version of windows they were using and the model number of the device. Erin showed Ginni how to find the windows version by bringing up the windows controller and clicking "about" and found the device model number on the back of the scanner. The window then spun for a few seconds, and a message came up that it had located a driver for that device. Did they want to download it? Erin suggested Ginni click "yes", which she did. The computer went through a sequence where it gave a progress report as the driver was downloaded and then asked if they wanted to save or run. Erin suggested "run". Then the computer gave messages that it was in turn unpacking the file with the driver, and then running it. Finally, there came a message that the device was connected. Now Erin said, "So, Ginni, do you know how to use a scanner. And how to store the scanned documents in the right place on your computer?" Ginni, "Ah, No to both questions." Erin, "No problem. The first part is easy. You just put the document you want to scan in the document reader and bring up the scanning software on your computer. Oops, I forgot you don't have that software yet. No problem. We'll download that software and install it. The scanner was an HP, so Erin told Ginni to bring up a browser, another term she didn't yet know. Erin said see the "e" on the bottom bar? Put your pointer over it and click it." Ginni did that and a window came up. Ginni recognized it as a window she had seen before. Erin said, "OK, Click in the upper box on the browser window and type 'www.hp.com'." Ginni did that, and the window changed to show some other information. Then Erin showed Ginni how to look for scanner software. The found it, downloaded it, and ran it. It took a while, but soon there was another box that said, "HP Scan and Capture". As the software was installed, Erin had Ginni select the option to put an Icon for the software on the desktop. Erin explained that would make it easier to use the software at other time. Erin now said, "To scan, you merely put a document in the scanner, select 1-sided, or 2-sided, on that window, and click 'scan'." So, let's do that for the first engineering report of the 2nd month. Ginni selected the report, put it in the feed of the scanner, sat down to the computer and selected '2-sided' and 'scan'. In short order, 20 scanned pages were displayed in the window. Then Erin said, "That was scanning. Easy-peasy after you get a little bit familiar with the software. The next part is a little bit more complicated. We need to store the documents into an organized set of folders, so we can retrieve them easily. So, bring up the file explorer. See on the task bar at the bottom there is something that looks like a yellow, old-fashioned diskette." Then she pointed to the symbol. "Click that." Ginni did and a new window came up. Erin said, "Now find 'This PC' on the left side and click it." Ginni did and saw some new items come up under 'This PC'. Erin said "Those the main folders on this PC. Sid the folder called 'Documents'? Click it on the left so you can see its subfolders." Ginni did as Erin requested. Erin said, "Ok, we will want to make our own subfolder. Right click on 'Documents" and go down the menu and select 'New' and then 'Folder'." A new folder appeared under 'Documents'. Erin said, "Name it 'Federal Progress Reports'." Ginni did so. Erin said, "In the same way, establish a subfolder under 'Federal Progress Reports' named 'Month 2'. Ginni did so with only a little prodding from Erin. Erin now said, "OK, now make a subfolder under 'Month 2' named 'Supporting Documents'." Ginni did so without issue. Erin was impressed. Ginni was having no problems. That was a good sign that she could contribute a lot to the project. Then Erin said, "That last folder is where we will store all the documents that we scan." Erin, "Now go to the former window, the one for the scanner. You can get to it even if it is hidden by clicking is on the task bar at the bottom." Ginni brought it up. Erin continued, OK, now click 'Save'." Ginni did as requested. Now, find the 'this PC' folder, and click on the left to see subfolders. Then click on the left of 'Documents', then on the left of 'Federal Progress Reports', and then on the left of 'Month 2', and finally click the folder named 'Supporting Documents.' Now we need to enter a file name. I have used a stereotyped name to help keep these files organized. The Engineering report is named 'EngineeringReport_' year '_' month as two-digit number '_' day of month as two-digit number. Now click 'OK', and it will save the document in that folder under that filename. If it is a financial report, the name would start with 'FinancialReport_.' You can verify that a file is saved by going back to 'File Explorer' and following the chain down to the folder 'Supporting Documents'. See, the name of the file you just saved is there. Furthermore, see that number to the right, that is the size. If it were 0, that would be a problem. Ginni said "OK, let me take a moment and write down these instructions before I forget." Which she did. Erin "OK, why don't you start scanning documents and ask me questions as you go along? I'm going to finish summarizing the engineering reports." A few minutes later Mom came in carrying Mary and a bag of her clothes. As soon as Mary saw Erin she started fussing and wanting to be held. So, Erin held her for a few minutes and cooed and talked to her and kissed her and played peek a boo and finally wound up nursing her for a while. Then she asked her mom to take her to the break room to care for her, as it was obvious that otherwise she would fuss unless Erin held her. After they left, Ginni said, "She's a real cutie. It's obvious you're devoted to her. I don't see how you do it as productive as you like to be. And I have to admit it is strange seeing your mother as a doting grandmother. Cute." Erin smiled. "She is a doting grandmother though. That's one reason I love her." They spent the last hour working along with Erin finishing the review of Engineering Reports for Month 2 and Ginni scanning documents. Although Ginni had to be reminded of a few things, she generally worked independently. At 8:15, Erin finished the last review. She said, "Ginni, I'm calling it a night. Tomorrow I will start putting the 2nd report together. Ginni, "I have a couple of more documents to scan. I'll finish them up before I leave." Erin, "This area of town is not particularly safe at night Ginni. I would worry about you walking out to the parking lot alone. I think we should all leave together, for your security, and for mine and Mom's and Mary. You can pick it up early tomorrow if you want. That is safer." Ginni said "Yes Mother." But she shut down her PC and got up with Erin to get her coat." When they were done, they went by the break room and picked up Erin's mom and Mary, and they all went out to the parking lot. They did pass by an unusual looking man who eyed them as they left. They were glad there were three of them. The next day, Ginni was in and working when Erin arrived. Erin had gotten an email from the Federal Transportation Reporting Office that outlined a few minor errors in the first report. She decided to work on fixing those errors first. She had to add two links and improve the rationale for one of the expenditures. Then she added the revised report to Dropbox and sent an email back to the Federal Office that the revised report was available. Erin also sent an email to Mr. Pederson telling him what was happening with a copy to the Project Engineer. All that took a little over an hour. About the same time Ginni said all the documents were scanned. Erin thought that was a good time to discuss with Ginni how to approach today's work. She asked if Ginni would like to spend time reading the instructions for the reports, so she had a better overview of what she was doing. Ginni was actually enthusiastic about that. This confirmed Erin's opinion that Ginni was an ambitious woman who wanted to enhance her skills, so she could take on more responsible work, at a higher pay of course. Erin was more comfortable with such people than those who were content to just get by. While Ginni was reading, Erin called the IT guy and said she had forgotten to ask him to make it so she and Ginni could log onto each other's computers, so they could easily share access to files the other was working on. He said he could do that and would be by in a couple of minutes. Then Erin told Ginni that she had to visit a friend in the hospital who just had a baby, and that she would take an early lunch to do that. She would be back in an hour. Erin put on her coat and flats and grabbed an umbrella she had brought in and took off for the walk to St. Mary's. Erin walked as fast as she could. It took her about 15 minutes. She went up to Debbie's room and found her sitting in a chair, nursing her son, and watching TV. Erin said, "Hi Debbie. It's good to see you up. How are you doing?" Debbie flipped the TV off, "Hi Erin. Thanks for coming. I'm doing better. The Doctor won't let me do much more than this because he is afraid I will start bleeding again. But it is so good to be up. And getting acquainted with Jeremy." Erin, "So the name is Jeremy. Remind me how did you choose that." Debbie, "It's Dad's Name. I figured that as long as my parents are totally supporting me, it's the least I could do. They couldn't throw out a grandson with my father's name, could they?" Erin laughed, "Probably not." Debbie, "They told me I would be here for another week, and then stay quiet at home for another week. But I have asked some friends to get me assignments. I am going to try to do some studying starting as soon as I can." Erin, "Well, don't push it. A bleeding episode will make it harder to catch up in school." Debbie, "Yes Mother. How are things with you?" Erin told her how her project suddenly a lot of pressure had to be done ASAP and how she now had an assistant and she was working 11 hours a day, six days a week, with a goal to get done in two weeks. Debbie said, "Perfect." Erin, "Perfect?" Debbie, "Yes, I was hoping you could be talked into doing childcare for me three days a week. My father would pay you $150/day. It would be good for me for two reasons. First, I absolutely trust you. Second, you are nursing a child now and you could nurse two. That would make life so much easier for me. I wouldn't have to use a breast pump and store milk. And it would be good for you in several ways. First, you could make some money without leaving Mary. I know that's important to a mother. Second, you need access to the internet and we have it at our home. When you are not involved in childcare, you could study for your GED. What do you think?" Erin replied, "Geez, Debbie, I have never thought about it. Let me get my brain around it. How would I get to your house and back home? It's way out of my mother's way to work." Debbie, "My dad and mom said they would provide transportation. They really want me to finish high school?" Erin, "OK, it's tempting to say yes, but I need to talk to mom about it. Also, if I don't get done with these reports in two weeks, I will have to keep working on them. Which would mean I couldn't start in exactly two weeks. Anyway, I will talk with you more tomorrow." Then Erin brought the conversation back to how Debbie was feeling. Debbie admitted she tired easily but was feeling better every day. Then Erin had to leave to keep her absence from work to under an hour. Actually, Erin wasn't bound by employee policy, but she thought she should set an example since her mother was in charge of administrative personnel and she had an employee sort of working for her, and it would show Mr. Pederson she was serious. So, Erin hustled out, and on the way out the front door almost collided with Brian's mother Jenny. She said excuse me and almost said "Mom," and suddenly she was filled with a huge sense of loss. God, she loved that woman, but now Erin couldn't even acknowledge she knew her. Then she reflected that she had so accepted the role of 'Erin' that she had almost lost her identity as a male engineer with an entirely different family whom she loved dearly. She needed to do something about it but couldn't for the life of her figure out what. Should she accept Clara's suggestion and try to tell Jenny and Peter who she was? She needed to talk to Clara tonight. Erin got back to work a couple of minutes before her hour was up and found that the IT guy had done what he said, set up their systems so she and Ginni could log onto each other's PC. Ginni told Erin that the IT guy had shown her how to log onto Erin's PC, but she didn't see how to transfer files. Erin downloaded a free ftp ap and showed Ginni how to use ftp to transfer files. Then she showed her how to mount the other PC's disk on Ginni's system and then she could read or copy files directly. She set up the mount protocol on Ginni's system so it was read only. That would always preserve the integrity of Erin's file system. She told Ginni she would set things up on Erin's system in exactly the same way, so Erin could not change Ginni's files. Erin noted that Ginni pulled out a small log book and wrote down all the computer protocols Erin discussed with her. That was another indication to Erin that Ginni was a very organized, logical person who could be trusted to do things the right way. Then Erin checked her email and found a response from the National Transportation Project Reporting Office that her first report had been accepted. She forwarded that email to Mr. Pederson and told Ginni "They accepted the first report. We're on our way, one down, six to go." A few minutes later Mr. Pederson sent an email back congratulating her and noting that it was only two weeks to the end of the month and lots to do before then. Erin showed it to Ginni who laughed and said, "Well at least we know we are doing something valued by the company, ... and very visible." Then Ginni started to go back to reading the report instructions while Erin started the second report. But Erin decided it would be good to let Ginni follow along as she started the second report, so she would be aware of the process. She told Ginni what she was doing and asked if she wanted to look over her shoulder. Not surprisingly, Ginni wanted to know what was going on. Erin told Ginni that each month's report was basically a continuation of the previous months reports, so that the final months report would include everything. Then Erin copied the first report file to a file with the name of the second report file, PetersonProject08799_2, showing Ginni where in the file structure the reports were stored. Then Erin went in and modified the report for the second month by adding two worksheets, one for construction actions in the 2nd month and one for financial actions in the 2nd month, explaining to Ginni what she was doing as she went along. Erin also renamed the construction actions and financial actions worksheets from the first report to indicate they applied to the first month. Finally, she set up the fields for the second months construction actions and financial actions to be the same as in the first month. By this time it was noon and Ginni went to the break room for lunch. Erin decided to work for 45 minutes more before eating her sandwich. Erin's next project was to copy the documents Ginni had scanned to Erin's own computer. She mounted Ginni's disk on her file system and simply used windows drag and drop copy capability to copy the files to her computer. Then she started to add information from the engineering reports for the second month of the road project to the report. She went through the report in date order and reviewed her and Ginni's notes, and then reread the report in detail. Then she decided what report lines were appropriate and entered them. Finally, she linked the scanned engineering report into the "Reference Documents" page and then did a cross link from the lines she had just entered to the actions related to construction to the Reference Document. In the first month's report, she had actually loaded the scanned document into the report, but now she saw that this practice would lead to the later reports being so large as to be unwieldy. Of course, it would complicate the download for the national Transportation Reporting Office because they would have to download the scanned engineering reports individually. But she thought that was the lesser evil. Then she went on to the next engineering report. The process took about 45 minutes for the first engineering report, and there was a report most work days, so she expected to spend about 1 ? days doing this for the second month's report. She ate her half PB&J sandwich and apple while she was reviewing the second engineering report. Ginni came back from lunch and told Erin she had gotten about all she expected to get from just reading the report instructions. What was next? Erin said, "I would like you to try to do the finance section for the second month. I would suggest that you review the finance section for the first report and the sample report I got from the BCMPA and formulate a plan for going forward on the financial section." Ginni said, "What sample report? Erin realized she had forgotten to tell Ginni about it and updated her about where she had gotten it and where on her computer disk it was located. So Ginni looked at Erin's disk mounted on her computer and with a little help found the sample report and brought it up in excel. She said she would look at the financial section in the two reports and get back to Erin when she was done. For the rest of the afternoon and evening Erin focused on going through the engineering reports in order and entering the necessary information in the report for the 2nd month. There was one interruption where Ginni said she thought she knew how to do the financial section. They decided that the best approach was to let Ginni work on it in for a while and let Erin look at it just before they left. At about 7 PM, Erin's mom came in with Mary and said hello, she would be waiting in the break room. Mary, catching sight of Erin, was having none of it. She screamed and fussed until Erin finally took her to the break room and cuddled her and played peak a boo and talked to her, and then nursed her. Erin was actually happy to be back with her daughter, but she hated losing work time. She asked her mom in the future to maybe just call her office, not to bring Mary into the work area. Her mom agreed. Erin played until 7:30 and then went back to her desk to finish up as much as she could. At 8, she again persuaded Ginni to call it a day. Then the three women walked out to the parking lot together. As they drove away, Erin asked her mom what time she had gotten there, and her mom said at 7. Erin did not like that at all. She worried as much about her mom being accosted coming in that late, as she did about the three of them at 8 PM. She resolved to talk to her dad about coming with them at night. Then she told her mom, "Debbie offered me a childcare job 3 days a week for the remainder of the school year. That would allow her to finish high school. And they would let Erin use their internet, so she could work on her GED. What do you think?" Mom, "What is the pay?" Erin, "$150/day." Mom, "Well, that is decent. Sounds like a good opportunity. You could probably finish the second half of the GED in that time, given how fast you did the first half." Erin, "Mom, what if Pederson offers me a much better job? I think they are happy with what I've done so far." Mom, "Yes, but you would have to pay infant care, $120/day, so to beat Debbie's job you would have to make $270/day after taxes. That is over $50/hr. You probably can't expect to make that much. Plus, which, you wouldn't be able to work much on the GED, and you would have to leave Mary at infant care every day. I know mothers hate being away from their young children. If I were you, I would take the opportunity with Debbie. But I know a job with Pederson would allow you to establish a work history. There is something to be said for that. However, I know Mr. Pederson is fair and might want you to work at a later date when Mary is older. But do you want that given you are going to be very pregnant in not too long a time. Although I must admit, you were still mobile at almost 9 months with Mary. So, you could probably work quite a while at Pederson's before having to take Leave. I will guarantee that Mr. Pederson will give you a good recommendation if he is happy with the work you are doing on the report, which I have heard he is. All in all, I would still take the childcare with Debbie. And it will help Debbie out. And it is always good to help a friend out. But you know I will support you whatever you decide to do." Erin, "Thanks for that mom, and thanks for the advice too." She also thought, "And thank you for telling me I will probably be mobile until almost due." When she got home, she followed her usual routine, spending time with Mary, eating dinner, and talking with her mom and Fran. Then she went upstairs and got Mary to bed and called Clara. Clara basically gave her the same advice as her mother. But also made the point that she wasn't sure that Pederson would offer her work. That would depend on what came available. Erin was convinced. Then she and Clara just talked for 20 minutes. Erin started by saying she almost ran into Mom Sanders at St Mary's Hospital today. They drifted in talking about family for a while. Then Clara told stories about her position in social work and about the upcoming wedding. Clara asked, "Remember, in April I think the bridesmaids and I will have another Girl's night out to talk about dresses. Are you in?" Erin said, "When you decide on a day, I will ask Mom to babysit and if she can, I'm in." Clara, "Hey, if she can't, maybe our mom and dad would babysit. Remember how they used to do such things for their friends?" Erin did remember that. "That's another option. But I still need a specific date." Clara, "OK, By the way have you thought about telling our parents about you?" Erin "When I saw Mom, I really wanted to talk to her. So, I do want to tell them. But I just can't do it now. Too much else happening. Have you thought about it?" Clara, "No, I've been busy too. But I really think they need to know they will soon have a grandchild. It will get them off my case." Erin, "Ha, Ha. OK, I agree we should tell them, but I don't know when. I would like to finish my GED before taking on another stressful project." Then they finished their conversation, and Clara ended by telling Erin "I love you, Sis." Erin still didn't know how she felt about being "Sis." Then Erin went downstairs as her father got home. She said, "Hi Daddy." He looked at her and said, "Daddy? This sounds like a serious conversation coming up." She laughed and asked, "Am I that transparent?" He smiled, "Yes you are. But I love being called Daddy, so it works for you. What's up?" Erin, "I was wondering if you could ride with mom to pick me up in the evening?" Dad, "I don't get off work until 5 Honey." Erin realized that she hadn't told him about working late, so she did. Then she said, "Mom has to come get me between 7 and 8. It's cold and dark and dangerous downtown. I'm worried about Mom and Mary, Dad. I would feel so much better if you were with her." He said, "I suppose I could go to the club directly after work and pick you up from there so Mom wouldn't have to worry about a second drive downtown." Erin, "Or you could skip the club. Mom and Fran would love to have you home. But whatever you and mom work out so she's safe. I'd really appreciate it, Dad." After that conversation, Erin noted it was almost 10. She went upstairs and brushed her teeth, removed her makeup, washed up, moisturized, brushed her hair and put it in a sleep braid, and got to bed a little after 10:30. As she went to sleep, she recalled when she was a man and only had to wash and brush her teeth. Much simpler. But she didn't spend any time worrying about it. Tomorrow morning was going to come early. The next morning Erin got in a little earlier than usual, but Ginni was already there. Ginni showed Erin what she had started to do on the financial worksheet. Erin compared it with the project financial reports and thought Ginni had done an excellent summarizing each one and entering the data on the financial worksheet. She said, "That's great. I think you should be responsible for the financial worksheet on the rest of the reports. How are you using Pederson's financial data for the in the financial worksheet?" Ginni, "I will review it at the end and see if there is anything that was left out." Erin, "OK, I trust your judgement on that. At the end I will take a quick look at the financial worksheet and see if I see any issues. I think you should do the same for the construction actions worksheet. That way, we can detect any obvious errors. Let's get going. I'm about 70% done with the Project engineering reports. Let's try to finish this report early this afternoon. That reminds me, I need to get an appointment with the Project Engineer for his review. She called his number, but he wasn't at his desk. So, she shot him an email asking for a review of the second month's report between 2:30 and 4 this afternoon. Erin finished the engineering reports about 11, and asked Ginni how she was doing. GInni was also done and rechecking her entries. So, they exchanged reports and checked what the other had done. Neither saw any glaring inaccuracies or omissions. Next, they talked about the process of combining the two versions of the report. They decided Erin would research Excel to see if there was any way of easily combining the two reports without retyping the financial section that Ginni had done into Erin's version. In the meantime, Ginni would look at the examples in the month 1 report and the sample from BCMAP to determine what links should made from supporting documents to entries in the financial worksheet. At noon, Erin told Ginni she was going to the hospital to visit her friend. Then she put on her flats and headed out. There was a chance of rain, so she brought her umbrella, and also brought her lunch. She got to the hospital about 12:20, passing Jenny coming out the front door. Damn, Clara was right, Erin needed to tell Jenny who she was. Then Erin went directly up to Debbie's room and caught her eating lunch. She went in and greeted her, and they hugged, and Erin sat down and asked, "How's things.?" Debbie, "Fine. I'm a little tired. I had Jeremy all morning. That was great. Have you decided on childcare yet?" Erin said, "Yes, if your offer is still open, I will take you up on it." Debbie, "It absolutely is still open. I'm excited about getting back to school, and still feeling that Jeremy is being well taken care of. I got some assignments from Lani and plan to work on them this afternoon. You remember Lani? She doesn't believe the story of you changing, but she is a good friend. You will get a chance to convince her." Then they talked a little bit about school and Erin's project. Before she knew it, it was 12:45 and Erin had to leave. "Take care. Don't study too hard." She told Debbie. Erin got back to work at 1:05, 5 minutes late. She hadn't used her umbrella, which was good, but she hadn't eaten lunch, so she would have to eat later. Just before lunch, Erin had found that there was a fairly easy way to automatically reconcile two workbooks. She had to make a change to the one of the menus in the file workbook and store a baseline work book. After that, whatever either Ginni or Erin did could be automatically imported into the baseline. That meant that Ginni and Erin could work independently until the end and then combine what they had done. Ginni had identified links from reference documents to the entries in the finance worksheet that had to be made. Erin showed her how to make those links and let her go ahead. Then Erin checked her email and found that the project engineer would be available at 3:30, not 2:30. That was OK. It gave them more time to be ready, although Erin did not think they needed it. There were still two things Erin had to do. One was to write a paragraph summarizing what had been done in the second month and put it in a section of the header worksheet. She was working on that when Ginni said she thought she was done with the links. With Ginni looking over her shoulder, Erin tested the procedure for importing changes from one workbook to another. They worked fine, importing both the finance data entries and links. Next Erin tested the links, and they were good. Then Erin finished typing in the summary and had Ginni verify she concurred with it. The final thing was to link entries in the construction worksheet with entry's in the finance worksheet. With help from Ginni, Erin went through the two worksheets and decided what had to be linked. Then she showed Ginni how to do the entry to entry links. Wala, they were done. It was 2:25. They would have been ready for the Project Engineer's review if it hadn't been delayed. Erin decided to take a break, and Ginni was happy to do so. They sat and talked in the break room while Erin munched on her half sandwich and apple. Then Erin got them started on the third month's report, using the same procedure as for the second. She had Ginni do as much as possible, so she would learn as much as possible and work more independently. At 3:30, the Project Engineer for the road showed up at Erin's desk. Erin introduced him to Ginni, and the three sat down and went through the report for the second month. The engineer was impressed. He felt both the young ladies were very competent and only had a few comments about what they had done for the 2nd Month's report. They were able to respond to these comments on the spot. By the time he was done at 3:45, the second month's report was ready to go. With Ginni watching, Erin loaded the second months report onto Dropbox. She made a subdirectory and loaded the reports into it, along with the applicable supporting documents. Then she sent an email to the National Transportation Reporting Office saying it was ready, with a copy to the project engineer and a copy to Mr. Pederson. After that, she had Ginni take over and copy the second report to the name for the third report, and then add a construction worksheet and a finance worksheet. This time for clarity, Erin had Ginni make a subdirectory for supporting documents called thirdMonthSupportingDocuments, instead of having them in the same directory as the report file and had Ginni scan the engineering reports and load them into the supporting documents subdirectory. The next step was to take notes summarizing the engineering reports for the third month. Erin decided Ginni should help with this since it was the most time-consuming step, so if Ginni spent time helping with the engineering reports, both would have about the same amount of work time into each month's report. They were about half through when 8 PM came. Erin's dad called her number and told her he was at the front door. So, she and Ginni buttoned up their computers, put on their coats, and headed out. Erin felt much better that her father was picking her up than having her mother and Mary in the parking lot at 7 PM. When she got home, Mary was absolutely insistent that Erin give her full attention until bedtime. Then Erin did her nighttime care routine and went to bed herself. Erin slept beside Mary and comforted her when she stirred. Erin was totally fatigued. As Brian, she had been part of high intensity projects that lasted several weeks and required total dedication. Brian had been happy to work 15 hours/day, 7 days/week for a short time. But what Erin was doing was harder because she had other important obligations that she couldn't ignore. Erin could not possibly work 15 hours/day or 7 days/week. It would be unfair to Mary, to her mother, to Debbie, and would require her to ignore things that women needed to do to be healthy and look well, things that men never even thought about. Truth be told, Erin greatly missed spending most of her day with Mary. It was the most satisfying thing she did each day. It was what made her content to be a woman. If she didn't have her time with Mary, Erin might be frantically trying to find a way to become a young male engineer again. But her deep connection with Mary was something she valued immensely. Erin knew it would go away some day. She knew that the inevitable result of Mary growing up was her becoming independent and forming new relationships, new interests, and eventually a new family, and that Erin needed to develop new interests and relationships to fill her own life. But Erin was not happy to have that loss of connection happen now. As she fell asleep, Erin realized she had forgotten dinner, and that she had also forgotten dinner yesterday. Oh well, her project at Pederson would be done in a little over a week, and Erin could start a less stressful job. That was a very satisfying thought. The next day was Thursday and it was almost exactly like Wednesday. She did get word that the 2nd Month's report was accepted. She and Ginni finished the review of the third month's engineering reports, and then generated entries into the new financial and construction worksheets, linked documents where they needed, and scheduled a review of the third months reports with the Project engineer. Somewhere, she found an hour to visit Debbie. She totally forgot lunch. Her father picked her up at 8 and she went home and spent a couple hours with Mary, and did her selfcare routine and went to sleep, forgetting dinner too. Friday morning after they dropped Mary at infant care, Erin's mom read her the riot act. "Erin," she said, "What are you thinking? You are 3 ? months pregnant. Remember the OB/GYN said you should not be losing weight during pregnancy. It is unhealthy for the child." Erin, "No, I don't remember her saying that. Basically, all she did was do a blood test to determine if I was pregnant. She didn't say anything else." Mom, "No, not this baby. When you were pregnant with Mary, the OB/GYN told you this is not a time for a diet. It's only been six months ago. You think it is different for the second baby? No. You haven't eaten dinner for three nights. Yesterday, you skipped lunch. And when you do eat lunch it is a half sandwich and an apple. You have lost 20 pounds in the last three months. Your second child needs nutrition. I've packed you a second, larger sandwich and a salad for dinner. Take a break and eat it tonight. And eat your sandwich at lunch time. If it takes a few minutes away from work, so be it. You are dealing with my grandchild's health." Erin, of course, didn't remember the earlier conversation with the OB/GYN. A different Erin had been in charge then. But, nevertheless, Erin should have known she needed to maintain an adequate diet for the fetus she was carrying. She hoped she hadn't done any harm. She said, "Mom, should I have an appointment with the OB/GYN?" Mom, "You are overdue for an appointment. I have made one for the Thursday after this project is over. But for now, you must eat a reasonable amount, so the baby can grow properly." Erin was properly chastened, "Ok Mom. I will. I'm sorry. Thank you for caring." Erin's mom reflected that six months ago, Erin had reacted far differently to her mother's advice. She was glad Erin had changed. The next day was Friday and it was very similar to Thursday. The road project engineer reviewed the third report with Erin and Ginni in the morning. This time he had no suggestions. He had come to trust the two to represent his project well and unless he saw a real screamer, he would not comment. Erin put the material for the third report on Dropbox and emailed the Transportation Projects Reporting Office that it was available, with a copy to Mr. Pedersen and the Project engineer. Then they got busy on the fourth month's report, following the pattern they had established. They spent the morning and half the afternoon reviewing the fourth months engineering reports. Then Erin started work on construction entries while Ginni worked on financial entries. They were about 30% done when 8 PM came around. During the work day, Erin found an hour to visit Debby. And she forced herself to take 10 minutes to eat lunch and then at 6:30 she took another 20 minutes to eat the second sandwich and salad her mother had packed. She was not used to that much food and felt bloated, but knew it was necessary. Ginni and Erin also talked about logistics for Saturday. Erin's mom would bring Erin and let her in. Ginni asked if Erin could get their early, as Ginni did not have a key and would like to work as much as possible. Erin just didn't think she could. She needed a couple of hours to prepare Mary for the day and didn't want to get up at 5 AM. So Ginni asked if she could work late as long as her boyfriend came to pick her up. That would actually work well since Ginni and her boyfriend had planned to go to a club at 9 PM. Erin said, "OK, as long as you are safe." About 2 PM, Erin received email that the third report had been accepted. She forwarded that to Mr. Pederson, with a reminder that with that threshold met, Pederson construction should pay her $3600 for the first three reports and, hereafter, should issue a $1200 check for each report accepted. She was excited because it had been a long time since she had any money of her own. She had to open a bank account and deposit it. Then Erin got an email from the payroll clerk saying she needed Erin's SSN, so she could deal with tax and SSA deductions. Erin realized that she didn't even know if she had a social security number, let alone what it was. But Erin was quite sure that as a contractor they should not be taking deductions from her checks. But it was too late to deal with this now. So, she decided to do some research over the weekend and talk to payroll on Monday morning. Darn, Erin wanted that check, even if she couldn't cash it. It represented independence. The next day was Saturday. Her mother brought her into work and her father would pick her up at 6. Erin got in at the normal work time for Ginni's sake, although it was difficult. Ginni was waiting at the door for them and when her mother let her in, she reminded Erin to lock up as she left. The first thing Erin did was turn on the heat, and then went to the break room and made some coffee. Then she went to her desk but kept her coat on until the temperature got comfortable. She had decided to dress down today since they would be the only ones in, and she had jeans and a long-sleeve blouse on that she had gotten for Christmas, so she was not too uncomfortable. Thank You, Fran. Erin took a break and went to the hospital at 10 AM to see Debbie, since she was due to be discharged today and Erin didn't want to miss her. She came into the room, relieved to see that Debbie was still there. She was nursing Jeremy. He looked so innocent and content. Erin said, "Hi Debbie, you ready to leave this fabulous place?" Debbie, "I'm eager to get home and get settled again. Dad and mom are picking me up at 2." Erin, "Sounds good. I'm going to miss coming up to see you every day though. Are they going to let you go to church tomorrow?" Debbie, "No, I can't go anywhere for 7 days. Well, it's still better to be home than sitting in a hospital room." Erin, "Can I tell the kids at church what is happening with you." Debbie, "Sure, if anyone asks." Erin, "Everyone will ask. Except maybe 'What's his name.'" Debbie, "Yeah, the jerk. I suppose I will have to let him see his son." Erin, "If he wants to. I bet he will, since it is a boy. But only if he accepts responsibility and pays child support." Debbie, "I don't really need it. I hadn't planned to ask for it." Erin, "Debbie, you have to. It's not fair to expect your parents to pay forever, even if they are well off. And if you ever decide to live independently from them, you will need it. You can bet that if Rex ever shows up and gets a job, I'll be on his doorstep demanding it. Men shouldn't expect to make babies and not pay to support them." Debbie, "Maybe you're right Erin. I'll think about it. How is the project coming? Will you be able to start childcare the Monday after next?" Erin, "We are on report number 4 and might be done with that today. That gives us next week to do three more. I think we will make it, but I cannot promise." Debbie, "Will we be able to talk next week?" Erin, "I have to work until 8. I bet you will be busy about that time, or asleep. I think I will try to call about noon during the day to chat. Is that all right? If that time is bad, give me a better time and I will make it work." Debbie, "OK, so tentatively noon during the week. I will call you sometime in the afternoon tomorrow. I will be interested in stories about who said what at Church." Erin laughed, "I will try to remember everything." They chatted about infant care for a few more minutes before Erin had to go. Then Erin walked back to work, and knocked on the door so Ginny could let her in. She got right back to work, making entries for the construction actions in the fourth month's federal report. There were a lot of construction activity in the fourth month and Erin still wasn't done at 6 PM. Ginny just finished the financial report, and they decided that she should see if she could finish the report on construction activities for Erin. Then Erin's father called and said he was outside waiting for Erin, and she had to leave. She checked with Ginni to ensure that she was not going home alone and found her boyfriend would pick her up at 7 and they would go out. That sounded safe. At home Erin had what seemed like a leisurely evening. She first spent some time with Mary, cuddling and playing with her and nursing. Her mother had sent out for Chinese and called her down to dinner about 7. She got to talk with her family for almost a half an hour. Her mother kept reminding her to eat more, and she tried to do what her mother said. But she wasn't used to it. Her father told some stories about the club that were sort of interesting, and she tried to follow them. But by the time dinner was getting over, she was really tired. Finally, her mother shooed her off to bed. She went upstairs and got Mary ready, and lay with her intending to just be there until Mary went to sleep. But Erin fell asleep herself and woke at about 3 AM. She remembered she had not asked her mother about an SSN yet and wrote that on her todo list. Then she cleaned up, brushed her teeth, removed her makeup, applied cream to her face, brushed her hair, put on a nightgown, and went back to bed. As Erin was falling to sleep again, she realized that she soon would be able to afford pajamas instead of the nightgowns she had inherited from the previous Erin. But she wasn't sure it was worth it. She was happy with the nightgowns. Mary woke up at 6 as usual, and Erin groggily got up. Mary had had a BM, so Erin cleaned her up and put on some new diaper and clothes and went downstairs to make coffee. She was sipping a cup, nursing Mary, when her mother came down. "Good Morning Mom", she said. "Sleep well?" Mom, "Good morning Sweetie, yes, how about you?" Erin, "Very well. Thanks for getting me to bed early. I was beat. It was a long week." Mom reflected that this was a very low key and caring conversation. She never did get a good grasp of what had changed Erin, but whatever it was she was grateful. Mom, "What are your plans for the day?" Erin, "Nothing big. Church. I've got to call Debbie after church and tell her what happened." Mom, "You mean like about the sermon and message and music? Or about what the kids your age talked about?" Erin, "Well about the sermon of course." And sort of laughed, although it might have been a giggle. Erin, "And I need to talk to Clara." Mom, "About anything in particular?" Erin, "About what happed this week and her wedding probably. Just about things." Mom, "Oh, is she getting married soon?" Erin, "July. But we need to decide about dresses for the wedding party and decorations and things like that." Mom, "That's right, you in her wedding party? When were you asked?" Erin, "I'm the Maid of Honor, Mom. She asked me last Summer?" Mom, "Last Summer? Before you ran off with Rex?" Erin realized her error. Brian had always been a miserable liar, and so was Erin now. She tried to make it a joke of it, "Of course Mom. That's why I came back. How could I be Clara's Maid of Honor when I was chasing around the country with Rex?" Mom shook her head, "I don't believe a word you're saying, Erin. Anyway, it's nice to have a close friend who values you so highly." Then Mary finished nursing, and Erin got up and spent some time with her, just talking and walking and playing. Mary was now 6 months old and was becoming so much more active and aware of the world and so much more fun. Her mom joined in and they both had a great time with Mary. Then it was time to make breakfast and Erin put Mary in the car seat restrainer and helped her mom and then Mom woke up Dad, who came down for breakfast and Erin fried two eggs for him. She had insisted they get some butter spray and now his eggs were not fried in oil, but rather on a non-stick pan with just a little spray. He seemed to enjoy them that way, so Erin had taken over the egg frying. Her mom did not seem to be upset about that. Then they all got ready for Church. As usual, Erin was the last one done. Having to clean up Mary, and change her diapers and clothes took the extra time. But they all piled into her Dad's car in plenty of time. When she got to church, she was told that women with infants would not be admitted to the church during the sermon, but rather would stay in the nursery and have the Pastor's words piped to them. Erin didn't much care, but she did have the sense that she, in particular, had been banished from the church. After church, she made a point of talking to several Of Debbie's friends and telling them what had happened and suggesting that Debbie would love to hear from them. She would be incredibly bored this week, having to stay at home. After that several of the other kids had heard part of the story and asked her for the rest and she wound up telling all the girls and about half the boys her and Debbie's age that Debbie had given birth on Monday to a baby boy named Jeremy, and that she had had a hemorrhage and almost died. Erin noted that what's his name heard the story. Then her parents and Erin went out for breakfast. There was a long line at the restaurant and they had lots of time to talk. Erin asked them "Dad, I forget. Did I ever get a social security number?" Dad, "Yeah. They require it for me to enter you as a deduction." Erin, "Can I get it? I will need it to pay taxes on the money I get from Pederson's. By the way, I don't know if mom told you, but the drug counselor said I was eligible for welfare. Do you want me to apply and turn it over to you to help pay for me and Mary living at home? Dad, "I'll look up the SSN as soon as we get home. No, I didn't know you could get Welfare. Yes, you should apply. But don't give it to me. It would help pay for some of the things you and Mary need that I can't afford, and it would allow you to put some money away. Rainy days always come sooner or later." Erin, "I thought you might object to me taking welfare." Dad, "Well, I do have a problem with it. But God knows I have paid enough taxes to support it over the years. You might as well get some benefit from it." Then the conversation turned to less weighty matters. Her mother told him that Erin was going to be in Clara's wedding in June. Dad asked "Where did you meet Clara? I don't remember her from high school." Erin, "Just around. She was a senior when I was a freshman. We always sort of clicked even though I was kind of crazy and she was an academic star, but we didn't spend much time together. Recently I ran into her again, and we still got along. We can always talk, and we enjoy each other's company." Dad, "I only met her one time, and she seemed like a nice girl. Well I'm glad you've got a good friend who seems normal. I guess I should say the same about Debbie. I don't remember you being so friendly with her while you were in high school. I'm happy to see you with two nice girlfriends." When home Erin had to change Mary and get her to sleep for a nap. After that, Erin got up and got a glass of water. No sooner did she sit down than Debbie called. Debbie was pleased to hear that most of the girls had asked about her. Erin said she had urged them to call Debbie. Debbie said, "It would be nice to talk, but I'm so busy with Jeremy that I'm not sure I'll have time." Erin laughed and said, "Yes, babies are really needy, but they're really sweet. Do you feel a strong connection when Jeremy nurses? I feel one when Mary nurses. It's just incredible. It's almost like we are one person." Debbie, "Maybe not quite that intense. But very close, yes." Then Erin told Debbie about not being able to go into the church with the rest of the members. Debbie, "Sounds like we're being banished. Maybe that's OK. Pastor can't give us the eye when he talks about sin. Well, I will see how it feels next week. I'm actually looking forward to church for a change. Anything to get out. By the way, can you come over after church next week. I would like to go over Jeremy's care with you. Will you be available to take care of him that first Monday?" Erin, "Yeah, Mary and I can come over. As far as being done to work on Childcare on Monday, it's going to be touch and go. I'll do my best, Debbie." Then they chatted a little about Debbie looking forward to getting back to school. After that Debbie had to hang up because Jeremy was awake. Since Mary was still awake, Erin decided to call Clara. Clara did not answer, so Erin left a message. A few minutes later Clara called back, and they just talked about their week for a while. Clara was impressed that Erin would make or nearly make the deadline for the report. She said, "Hey, all that engineering education is coming in handy, even if you can't be an engineer. Congratulations Erin. This will probably make a reputation in the construction companies and you might get work out of it." Erin, "Yeah, I'd rather be an engineer. But now, I couldn't do it anyway. I need to stay home with Mary. I've told you how connected we are. I think it is really important to keep that connection going. I don't want to work full time until Mary can walk and is potty trained and can go to regular childcare." Clara chuckled, "Who'd of thought that Brian Sanders, engineering stud extraordinaire, would be such a good mother." Erin laughed, "I certainly wouldn't have. But now I get depressed at work all day without being with Mary. I don't know if it was in me when I was Brian, or if I only got it when I became Erin. Now I wouldn't trade back to Brian even if I could. Especially since the current occupant of that body hated being a mother and didn't seem to be doing such a good job." Then Erin told her how her current mother gave her such a hard time about not eating and endangering her fetus's health. Clara agreed with Mom. She said "Geez, Erin, you are smart enough to not have to be told that." Erin agreed with her and said she was going to do better. Then Erin asked, "Say Clara, there was a girl at my detox named LaTesha who I really liked. I had her contact information but can't find it now. LaTesha was a Godsend, since she knew the ropes and was willing to help me. But now I have totally lost touch with her, I'm ashamed to say. Do you know how I might get her name and phone number? I'd like to talk to her or at least exchange letters." Clara, "Have your sister try to get her name, then it should be fairly simple. Fran has more connections than I do." Erin had subconsciously wanted to avoid revisiting those dark days with Fran but realized that was the best approach. All Fran could say was no, then she would check with Clara again. Then Erin heard Mary fussing, and told Clara she had to hang up. After hanging up, Erin spent the rest of her evening playing with Mary, then helping Mom with dinner, having dinner, and finally preparing for the week. She asked her dad for her SSAN, and he looked it up on his tax returns from the previous year. She made a list of things she would have to do next week. Since she didn't have to visit Debbie, she should have time to establish a bank account and to research the question of whether payroll should be taking Deductions out of her checks. There were a couple of other things she decided she needed to do. When Fran came home, Erin asked her about how she might contact LaTesha. Fran said she could probably get her full name and maybe some information about what happened to her. That was public record. But that anything more would be an invasion of her privacy. Not too helpful, but given LaTesha's name, Erin was sure she could find LaTesha. Then Erin did some wash for herself and Mary, got Mary ready for bed, and finally did her nighttime routine and went to bed herself. The next day was Monday. She got in a little early and found an email from the project engineer saying he couldn't meet until 1. Ginni was there and said she had finished the engineering report and had a draft of the engineering section. So, after getting a cup of coffee, Erin sat down with Ginni and looked at the construction entries she had made. Something seemed off on a couple, so she printed the engineering report from which they were taken and compared it with the entry. The description of the activities that were reported were wrong, and the connections to past and upcoming activities were not made. "OK, Good Try" she told Ginni, but I will need to make a few changes. Ginni said, "I thought you would. But hopefully my work will make what you have to do go faster. I just don't understand the engineering, or the construction, or the jargon of either. By the way, how do you understand them? You are younger than I am, and you have had no formal training. Yet you know engineering and construction." Erin, "I just knew some engineers and construction workers growing up and it rubbed off on me." Ginni looked skeptical and clearly didn't buy it but didn't want to argue the matter. She said "OK, you make the changes you have to. What should I do?" Erin, "Why don't you map the links that have to be made. By the way, our review with the project engineer has been delayed until 1 PM." Ginni, "OK, will do." Then they both got to work, and both finished their respective tasks by 10. Ginni had done a good job of mapping links. Erin only had to change a couple. But she did tell Ginni that she had only considered internal links and that they also needed to link from the Supporting Documents worksheets to the scanned documents in the fourth months supporting documents subdirectory. Then Erin let Ginni go ahead and do the links. Erin took a break and gathered up her contract and her SSN and went to payroll to talk to them about her check. She talked to an administrative clerk in payroll, who referred her to the head of payroll. She showed the head of payroll that she was working on contract for a limited amount of time for a specific task and was not working under the direction of anyone in the company, so she was clearly an independent contractor. She should pay the tax and social security herself rather than the company deduct them from her pay. But more important, the company should not deduct for other benefits which Erin was not eligible for, like health insurance, L&I, and many others. But the chief of Payroll was adamant, if Erin did not work for a contracting company incorporated as a state nonprofit with a TIN, then she was an employee. Pederson's policy was that they did not employ individuals as contractors, like Microsoft. "OK," said Erin, "What would the deductions be if you went ahead and paid me like an employee?" The Payroll head went to her computer and made some inputs and gave Erin an example, they would take almost $1000 out of a $3600 check. "Holy Cow," said Erin. Why so much income tax?" Payroll Head, "because you made $3600 in two weeks. If you did that all year, you would make $80,000." Erin, "But I cannot make the same all year. My contract limits the total amount I can make to $8400. Then the contract ends, and I become unemployed." Payroll head, "If that is true, then you will get money back at the end of the year." Erin decided she needed to think about this. She said, "Look, don't issue a check yet. I need to talk to some people who know finances. Let it wait a few days, OK?" Then Erin went back to her desk and tried to calm herself down. That was ridiculous. What bugged her most was not the taxes or social security or Medicare, which she would have to pay one way or another, sooner or later. It was the other half dozen little deductions, health insurance (you had to be enrolled 6 months to be eligible), pension contribution (you had to work 5 years to be vested), term life insurance (you had to be enrolled 6 months to be eligible), Medical Aid (At least, she was covered if she fell on a pencil), Union Dues, Parking and transit pass (Erin didn't drive or take the bus). It all added up to over $600 for the $3600 paycheck. Well, Erin could not let the $600 go without a struggle. Erin called Mr. Pederson's Chief Administrative Officer and talked to him about the deductions. She said that she was working under a contract that specified a specific amount of pay, and that she met all the requirements to be considered an independent contractor under federal IRS Guidelines. As an independent contractor she would not be subject to most of the deductions they were taking out of her pay, although she would have to pay some of them later. She noted that of the deductions beyond Income tax, social security, and medicare, she benefited from none, she would not work enough to vest in the pension plan, she would not be enrolled long enough to be eligible to collect on the term life or medical insurance, her wages were not set by a union contract, and she did not drive nor take transit, so the fees for parking and a transit pass were not useful to her. Then the chief Administrative Officer started lecturing Erin about how the system worked, how everyone paid in and eventually everyone would benefit. She cut him off and said, "That is exactly the point. I will never benefit from those deductions. I am working on a short- term contract, for a period of about a month or so. Because of the way these benefits are structured, I can never use them. For God's sake, I am a single mother. The money I am making is intended to help support my child. Legally, according to IRS code, I am working as a contractor and am supposed to be paid the full contractual amount and pay the taxes and social security myself. It unjust and illegal to take these deductions out of my pay. If I sued, you would lose in court. Do you think that somehow, I won't because it would be too unpleasant or expensive? I have been working my ass off 11 hours a day, 6 days a week, to get a set of reports done by the end of the month so your company can avoid further fines. And while I am doing that, you have decided to take $600 from me that my daughter and I need to live. Right now, instead of spending my time working on those reports, I am talking to you about an unjust and illegal decision to pay me as an employee rather than as a contractor, which costs me $600 for benefits that, because of my status as a short-term contractor, I have no possibility of ever taking advantage of. In 5 minutes I am going to storm into Mr. Pederson's office and tell him that you are violating our contract and that it is affecting my ability to get those reports finished by the end of the week and avoid farther fines. Maybe he will support you on this issue and maybe he won't, in which case the firm will be sued. We will find out shortly unless you decide to change your policy and act legally and morally. The Chief Administrative Officer then asked, "Miss McLoughlin, are you threatening me?" Erin replied, "I am threatening that I will take this up to the next level. If you consider that a threat, so be it." Then Erin went back to her desk, and took out a note pad, and organized her thoughts. Then she called Mr. Pederson's Secretary and asked if she could see him. She said he was busy talking to the Chief Administrative Officer. Erin said, "I will be there in a minute." Erin walked into the secretary's office, and the Secretary told her the CAO was still with Mr. Pederson, and Erin said they were discussing an item of interest to her and opened the door and walked in. The two men looked over at her, the CAO in shock and Mr. Pederson Quizzically. Mr. Pederson said, "Hello Miss McLoughlin, what can I do for you?" Erin, "Mr. Pederson, I assume you are discussing the policy for paying contractors. It is a discussion that is very important to me. I need to be here to tell you how it affects me and potentially how it affects other contractors." The look Mr. Pederson gave the CAO told her she was right about the conversation; the CAO was here to get a commitment of support from Mr. Pederson without telling him about the downsides of the policy. Then she told him Mr. Pederson that she fulfilled the IRS guidelines for a contractor, and that paying her as an employee would require her to pay almost $600 additional deductions for benefits which could never apply to her because of the short duration of her contract, so they essentially amounted to a reduction in the payment they had agreed on in her contract, and as such they could be challenged in a court of law. She told him that that reduction was not only legally unconscionable, but it was morally unconscionable because she was a single mother and the sole support of a 6-month-old infant. Mr. Pederson said, "What if I offered you full-time employment?" Erin, "Sir, I hate being away from my child. The only thing that makes it tolerable is that I am putting some money away for her needs. But I want to be home with her. Furthermore, I could not make enough with a job as an administrative assistant or office worker to pay the high cost of infant care, so I would be giving up time with my child for nothing. I cannot do that. Someday my daughter will be old enough that childcare is cheaper, and I can afford to work, but not now. Then Mr. Pederson quizzed the CAO about the benefits and what they required, and finally told him that he agreed with Miss McLoughlin that it made no sense to have contractors with service times less than a year pay the benefits. Then Mr. Pederson asked if other personal service contractors had their contracts specify that they would be paid as employees, in other words was Miss McLoughlin's contract unique in not specifying she be paid as an employee. The CAO said "Yes, Miss McLoughlin's contract is unique in that regard. After all she produced it herself and didn't use a company template for her contract." Mr. Pederson said, "Well at least other employees knew beforehand and could take this into account in setting up their affairs." The CAO said "OK, should I pay Miss McLaughlin as a contractor. Mr. Pederson said, "That would be my preference since there is nothing in her contract about being paid as an employee, but if you insist on paying her as an employee, do not take the deductions out for benefits that she cannot use." The CAO left, obviously displeased that his judgement had been overturned. Erin said, "Thank You for considering the impact of this policy on me, Mr. Pederson." Then she left. She had just wasted almost two hours when she should be working on the reports. She had a hard time thinking charitable thoughts about the CAO. His unwillingness to be flexible in the face of overwhelming evidence of the unfairness of his policy might yet cost his company another fine or two and might cost Erin her bonus for incurring no further fines. By this time, it was 12:30, Erin returned to her desk to find everyone else at lunch. She grabbed her sandwich and went to her mother's desk and found her working. She sat down and asked, "Got a minute, Mom?" Mom, "Sure. What's up Erin?" Erin, "I need to establish a bank account." Do you think I should do it at the bank you and dad use? Mom, "Actually no, we are thinking of changing to the Blakefield Credit Union. I've heard that their service is good, and they charge no account fees. The bank fees have gotten very high. I think they want to be a commercial bank." Erin, "Ok, where can I get an account? Are there other branches of the credit union convenient to home?" Mom, "There is a branch downtown and one a mile from home. So, it's really convenient for us." Erin, "Why haven't you been banking with the credit union all this time?" Mom, "Our current bank used to support a lot of community events and be active in the downtown chamber, so I stayed with them even though their fees were high. Now they have been bought out by a national bank and don't support the local community like before." Next Erin said, "To establish an account, I will need a valid government ID. I don't think I have that. Do you have any suggestions? Mom, "Erin, remember when you were pregnant with Mary the hospital required you to get you one of those ID cards that Idaho issues in leau of a Driver's License for those who do not drive? Do you still have that?" Erin could not remember seeing such a thing. Erin, "I haven't seen that card since I got back. I think I must have lost it." Mom, "You can go to a driver's license office and apply for a replacement. You will need a copy of your birth certificate. But I have one of those." Erin, "OK, can we go to one tomorrow at lunch?" Mom, "Sure." Now it was almost 1, time for the project engineer to check the fourth report. She hadn't checked Ginni's financial entries and hadn't entered all the links, but the project engineer was not interested in those. He just need to check the entries in the construction activities worksheet, which Erin had done this morning. So, she went back to her desk and brought up the report. She asked Ginni to also be there, so she could get the experience, in case she had to take a more active role. While they waited for the project engineer to show up, Ginni said, "Erin, I heard some rumors about some tensions at high levels, and about one pissed off CAO. I'd love to hear the full story later." Erin was not really enthusiastic about being involved in a rumor mill, but she trusted Ginni not to pass things on if Erin asked her, so she agreed. When the project engineer showed up, his review was really an anticlimax. He basically took a quick look and said OK. Erin reminded him to send her an email of approval. After he was done, she checked the financial entries and links, did a couple of minor modifications, and put the new report into Dropbox along with the subdirectory containing the supporting documents. Finally, she emailed the Federal Transportation Reporting Office that the fourth report was ready for their acceptance review. She had Ginni look over her shoulder as she did this and provided explanations, even though Ginni had seen it before. The more knowledgeable Ginni became, the less likely a problem would arise. When Erin was done, it was 3 PM, 6 PM on the East Coast, so they would not hear back until tomorrow. Erin and Ginni started the process of putting together the fifth report. Erin started going through the engineering reports and making detail notes for the fifth month of the road project, while Ginni scanned all the engineering and financial reports, and then copied the fourth report file to make a start for the fifth report and made a subdirectory for supporting documents for the fifth month of the project and moved the scanned engineering and financial reports to the subdirectory. Then she started reviewing some of the engineering reports and taking notes. It was a long boring task that took most of the evening. At 6:30, Erin took a break for the sandwich, salad, and fruit her mother had made. She was a little surprised that Ginny had also brought a sandwich in for an evening meal. She said, "It's a good idea and better than trying to eat at 9 PM." While they were eating, Erin told about her encounter with the CAO about pay and deductions. She asked Ginni to not spread it around, as she did not want to be the origin of backroom complaints and Ginni agreed. At the end, she said that Erin was not the only one who hated to deal with the guy. Most of the employees in the office considered him to be an officious prick, who seemed to particularly delight in making the female employees lives difficult. Erin laughed at that and said "Well he certainly made my life difficult. I spent two hours dealing with his foolishness instead of working on these reports that are supposedly top, top priority. It was a total waste." They finished the review of the engineering reports at 7:30. Erin then started formulating construction entries while Ginni moved on to financial entries. At 8:10, Erin's father called and said he was ready to go. So, the two of them tidied up their workspaces, put things away, and gathered their stuff and left, locking the door behind them. The next morning was Tuesday. There was an email from the National Transportation Reporting Office saying that Pederson's report for month 4 was accepted. Erin forwarded the email to Mr. Pederson. He sent an email back saying congratulations, and did she have her pay for the first three reports yet? She returned his email saying that "No, I haven't been paid for anything yet." Mr. Pederson said he would inquire what was going on. Four reports down, three to go. Erin and Ginni spent the whole day working on month 5's report. They were done with financial and construction entries at noon. Erin got an appointment for 3 PM with the project engineer for his review. At noon, Erin grabbed her sandwich and went with her mom to the Driver's license examiner. Her mom had her birth certificate, so everything should be easy peasy. But replacing a lost ID seemed to be a major issue. The questions were endless. No, Erin didn't know where she lost it or when. But she thought it was when she and her boyfriend were traveling around, looking for work. But for sure Erin hadn't seen it in several months. Yes, she had searched every possible place she could think it might be. No, she hadn't asked her boyfriend to look for it. No, she didn't want to. (Even if she knew how to contract him she wouldn't want to. He almost certainly wouldn't be willing to help.) Yes, she needed it right away and couldn't wait to see if it showed up. Finally, the desk clerk seemed to have exhausted his reasons for not replacing Erin's ID, and took a picture and made her another one. As they left, her mother muttered under her breath about men who just assumed that women were ditzes and couldn't be trusted to know when something was lost. After they got back to work, Erin reviewed the financial entries in month's 5 report and Ginni worked on links. Erin made a few minimal changes to the financial entries where they didn't clearly refer to the correct construction action. Then she joined with Ginni on working on links. By the time the project engineer came to their desk at 3, they were all but done. He only had a few minor comments, which they were able to easily answer. About 4 PM, Erin transferred the final version of the report to Dropbox along with the subdirectory with the month 5 supporting documents. She sent the National transportation Reporting Office an email telling them the fifth months report was available. The rest of the evening, they worked on setting up the month 6 report and reviewing the month 6 engineering reports. It was boring but Erin and Ginni were both buoyed by thinking they were getting close to done. That night, after she had spent time with Mary and gotten her to sleep, Erin called Debbie. Erin, "Hi Deb, how you doing? How's Jeremy doing?" Debbie "Jeremy seems to be doing fine. I'm OK, I guess. But God I'm bored. I need to get out of this house soon or I'll go nuts. Now I understand post-partem depression. Only 17 years, 11 months, and 23 days and Jeremy will be on his own. God, I can hardly wait." Erin laughed, "You might regret it when he is on his own. Teenagers can go in totally unpredicted directions." Debbie laughed. "Yeah. But motherhood is an adjustment. Jeremy is so innocent. How can someone so innocent be such a tyrant. He wants exactly what he wants, or he has a fit. And I have no choice but to give in." Erin, "Just remember he is innocent. He is not doing it out of any malice. He is just acting in the way his genes are programmed." Debbie, "Oh, I know Erin. But thanks for reminding me." Erin, "Besides, you won't need 18 years until things get better. As they get older they are better, you can sometimes reason with them or divert their attention. In a few months Jeremy will be a dear. Especially if you model sweet behavior." Debbie, "Yes Mother. God Erin, you are so sensible. When did that happen? Last year you were so crazy. When do I start becoming sensible?" Erin, "You have always been sensible, Debbie, and always will be. You didn't have to learn the hard way." Debbie, "So how is the project coming? Do you think you will be here next Monday?" Erin, "I hope so. I am so tired of sitting in an office doing boring things and being away from my child. I miss my time with Mary so much." Debbie, "Did you say that for my benefit?" Erin, "Actually no, I really love spending time with Mary. Playing with her and nursing her is so fulfilling. Much more than writing stereotyped reports. But as to the project. We submitted the fifth report today. It took 1? days. Two more reports to go, and four days to do them. But the last report has some additional requirements, so will take longer. My guess is that we will have the 7th report in Saturday, but if it is not perfect, I will have to do some changes. So, I may have to go in to work Monday for a few hours. But maybe I can do that after you get home from school." Debbie, "I hope so. Not because I want to get away from Jeremy, but because I am worried about falling so far behind that I will never catch up." Erin, "Don't worry so much. They want you to succeed. If you just do your best, it is a guarantee. They know you were a good student. They don't want you to fail now. It would totally mess up their statistics." Debbie laughed, "I suppose that's true. Well, anyway, I want to get started again so I can pick it up more easily." Erin, "How are your mother and Sarah doing with Jeremy?" Debbie, "You know, I think they will do OK. They seem to recognize he is innocent. More important, they seem to accept that I am still a good person, even though I did a foolish thing. That is such a relief. I really need their love and help. Hopefully, things will turn out OK. I have talked to Chris. He seems to be interested in having a relationship with Jeremy. He seems to even be interested in me again. We are getting together at lunch next Monday." Erin, "Don't let him talk you into doing anything foolish. You know he is a smooth talker, but you know his true colors since he would not acknowledge his role in Jeremys beginnings." Debbie, "He said his father talked him out of it, because it would ruin his chance at college and a good job." Erin, "How about your chance at college and a good job? I'm sorry, I don't want to be a nag. But recently this thing about guys doing things that screw up a girl's life and then going on as though they didn't have any obligation to help is really ticking me off. Especially when the girl is my friend. Maybe Chris should share child care so you both can go to college, one at a time?" Debbie laughed, "I'm not going to hold my breath on that one. But, seriously, Erin, suppose we did click again and he married me, then at least I would be getting the benefit of his good job. Would that be so bad?" Erin, "I suppose not. If that were to actually happen. But I'm not optimistic. Debbie, I will drop it for now. I don't want to destroy your dreams, just make you consider them critically and have a plan B ready." The next day was Wednesday. When Erin got in for work, she found an email from the National Transportation Reporting Office that there were a couple of issues with her report. She read the rest of the email carefully, and understood the first issue, but didn't understand the second and wondered if it was an error on the NTRO's part. So, she called them and found that everyone in the office had taken an early lunch and left for a retirement party. So, Erin changed the report to fix the first issue, and waited for the time the NTRO personnel would be back. While she waited, she continued her review of the engineering reports. She called the NTRO again at noon their time, but they still were not back. She tried several times over the next half hour before she finally got someone. It was now 9:45 her time. Erin identified herself and referenced the email that said they had found errors in the report. Then Erin said she understood the first issue they had cited on her firm's report, but the second issue did not seem relevant and it seemed her report was OK. And if not, she did not see how to fix the problem. The NTRO office worker's response was definitely not clear. Erin said she did not understand, and the woman repeated the response and was even less clear. Either Erin was not getting it, or the woman herself had a problem. In fact, Erin had the distinct impression that the woman she was speaking to had imbibed rather too heavily at the retirement party. Erin was concerned. This was the type of problem that could take a while to resolve. Finally, Erin said, "I'm sorry Maam, I'm just not getting your explanation and you are not getting my objection. Would it make sense for me to talk to someone else on the chance we can communicate better? The woman was actually happy to hand a troublesome phone call off. The next lady Erin talked to immediately understood Erin's objection and agreed that the second issue cited for the report was not relevant. She said Erin should just ignore it. Erin asked her for an email with those instructions in case there were questions later. The lady agreed. A few minutes later the acknowledgement of error had arrived, and Erin sent an email back saying that she had addressed the first issue and the revised report was available on Dropbox. Then Erin returned to reviewing the month 6 engineering reports. Sometime in the morning, she got a call from payroll that they had two checks for her. She went and got them and put them in her purse. At noon, Erin grabbed her sandwich and walked out to the nearest branch of the Blakefield Credit Union. It took 45 minutes to set up her account and order checks. Erin ate her sandwich during times when the teller was filling out forms. At the end, Erin gave the teller two checks for $3600 and $1200 and said she wanted to deposit $2000 in saving, $3700 in checking, and get $100 in cash. The teller said that she was sorry but policy, which was clearly advertised, was that checks deposited in new accounts could not be withdrawn for 5 business days. That way the credit union could be sure they cleared properly. So, Erin wound up depositing all $4800 in checking. She still didn't have any cash she could spend. Then Erin went back to work and found an email from the NRTO saying that her fix for the first issue on her firm's report was ok, but she had not fixed the second. She noticed the name on the email was the woman she had had trouble communicating with this morning. So, Erin called her, and told her that the woman she had referred Erin to this morning had agreed that the second error was not an error and didn't need to be fixed. The woman said, "Really. Do you have anything in writing to verify that?" Erin, "As a matter of fact, I do. I will send it to you." Erin forwarded the email from the other office worker, and a few minutes later finally got an acknowledgement that the fifth month's report was accepted. She forwarded it to Mr. Pederson and the Project Engineer. So, the problem was solved, but it had sucked up an amazing amount of Erin's time today. Erin went back to reviewing the engineering reports for the 6th month of the project. There had been a lot of separate construction actions that month and Erin and Ginni were still working on the review at 8 PM when her father arrived. Erin was exhausted and after spending some time with Mary and getting her to bed, she did her evening routine and went to sleep. The next day was Thursday. Erin emailed the project engineer and asked him to review the 6th report at 3 PM so they could get it in this evening. He quickly returned her email and agreed. Looking ahead, she asked him if he could reserve 3 PM on Friday for the 7th Report, assuming they had it done. He emailed back that he would do that. So now all they had to do is have the construction and financial entries on the two reports done by the time the reviews were scheduled. Erin and Ginni spent another hour finishing the reviews of the engineering reports. Then Erin moved on to formulating the entries to the construction worksheet. She was about 2/3 done by noon. Ginni had finished with the financial worksheet entries. Erin choked down her sandwich and fruit and kept working. When Ginni came back, Erin suggested she work on links to supporting documents. Erin was done with the engineering entries by 1:45, and then she started on links to supporting documents. By 2:30, Ginni was done with links between financial entries and supporting documents. Erin suggested Ginni work on links between construction entries and financial entries. At 3 PM, the project engineer came in. He had a few comments, but they were easy to address. He was done by 3:30, after promising to send her an email confirming that his review revealed no significant findings. Erin continued her work on links between construction entries and supporting documents and finished at 4:30. Then, she helped Ginni complete links between construction entries and financial entries. They were done with the links at 6:30 and took a break to eat their dinner. Then Erin asked Ginni to check Erin's entries and links and Erin would check Ginni's. Erin made a few changes and Ginni suggested one. At 7:30, Erin felt they were finished and downloaded the report and supporting documents to Dropbox and sent an email to the NTRO. Then she worked on setting up the month 7 report file and directories. Meanwhile, Ginni started reviewing the engineering and financial reports. They were just getting started when Erin's father called and said he was outside. Ginni said she would stay a while longer. Her boyfriend was picking her up at 9. The next day was Friday. When Erin came in, she had an email from the NTRO that the 6th report had been accepted. She forwarded it to Mr. Pederson and then went to the break room to get a cup of coffee. When she got back, she had an email from Mr. Pederson congratulating her and Ginni and reminding them that Monday was the last day of the month and in order to avoid further fines, and for Erin to get her bonus, the NTRO report for the 7th month of construction had to be accepted by that day. Erin forwarded the reply to Ginni with the comment "But hey, no pressure." Ginni looked over at Erin and laughed. The 7th Month Report would be much more work than any of the previous except maybe the first. One reason was that, in the last month of construction the number of construction actions would be huge as the crews worked against a deadline to finish the project on time. Since construction generated payments, the number of financial transactions would also be large. Additionally, there might be some special types of transactions as the project closed down. The second reason for a difficult report was that a special worksheet with a project summary had to be generated. On the other hand, Erin and GInni had lots of work time. They had 11 hours Friday, 8 hours Saturday, potentially 5 hours Sunday, and 11 hours Monday to prepare the report and get it in. That was more than 4 full time work days for two people. However, the timing was tricky. Ideally Erin would like to get the report in before Monday which then gave the NTRO all day Monday to review it, send comments if necessary, and then for Erin to respond to those comments. But the project engineer had to approve the report before it could be sent in, and he didn't usually work the weekend. Erin called him and explained the situation. She said she would still try to be ready at 3 PM as they had scheduled, but she was not optimistic and asked him if there was any way he could either come in or do the review using phone and email on Saturday or Sunday. Fortunately, he had some time available Sunday afternoon and was willing to come in. They planned for 4 PM. Next, Erin had to plan for the eventuality that she submitted the report on Sunday and got some comments that had to be addressed on Monday, when Erin was supposed to be doing childcare for Debbie. So, she called Debbie and asked if she had a minute to talk. Debbie said yes, and Erin explained the problem. Erin asked if there was any chance of changing her first childcare day from Monday to Tuesday. Debbie said that her new schedule had Erin doing childcare Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and her mother and sister covering childcare on Tuesday and Thursday. So normally, that sort of change would not work. However, it turned out that next week her mother and sister were unavailable on Tuesday, so she had thought she would not be able to go to school that day. But if Erin could for sure cover Tuesday, Debbie would either see if her mother and/or sister could cover Monday or she would just delay starting a day. Debbie said that was a complicated way of saying yes, they could change. Erin said thanks, she would be more dependable after Monday. So now that Erin had everything in place to the best of her ability, she went back to work reviewing engineering reports. Ginni had started reviewing engineering reports but then she found several items which required payment for which she found no payment records, and then she added some figures and it clear that several financial records were missing. Ginni told Erin what was going on and that she should check to see that all the construction actions had matching financial records. Ginni then went searching for copies of all the records for that month in the hopes of finding something she didn't currently have, but she could not find anything. Finally, Ginni had to go back to bank transaction records and try to reconstruct the missing financial records. This took a couple hours before she felt that she had a grasp on what had happened. Only when she had reconstructed the missing financial records could Ginni return to helping Erin review engineering records. Then Erin found another construction action that required payment that did not have a corresponding financial record and asked Ginni to figure out what had happened. This took Ginni less time than the first problem, but still an hour or so. Then Erin found another engineering report with no corresponding financial report and Ginni spent another hour resolving the problem. Erin was glad that she had Ginni with her finance background working on this project, rather than Erin having to figure out such problems. But the process was not helping them get the review of engineering records done. At 3 PM, Erin emailed the project engineer that as she had anticipated, they were not ready for his review, so they would have to do it Sunday. At the end of the day, they had not quite finished the review of the engineering reports. Sometime during the afternoon, Erin got an email from payroll that they had two more checks for her in the amount of $1200 each. Erin emailed back that she would pick them up Monday. Saturday Morning, Erin arrived at 8:30. She was very down. Their progress on the report yesterday had been very slow and Erin was worrying that they wouldn't finish the report enough for the project engineer to do his review on Sunday. Additionally, Mary had had a fit when Mom had dropped Erin off and Mary realized that Erin was leaving her again. Erin had tried to comfort her, to give her some extra love, to divert her, anything to make her happy. But Mary refused to be consoled, and Erin felt she was failing as a mother. hearing her child's crying and wails of unhappiness just broke Erin up. Ginny was waiting outside for her and saw the commotion and saw that Erin was upset and down. She asked, "You OK Erin?" Erin said yes and then burst into tears. Ginni let her cry for a moment and then hugged her and said, "Come on, we need to get going. It'll be OK, this will not permanently scar Mary. I remember my little brother crying like that when my mom left him. Now he's a happy, successful guy. All kids go through it." Erin was still crying, "I haven't spent enough time with her. I love her so much. God I'm an awful mother." Ginni, "Hey, you're not Wonder Woman, but that doesn't make you an awful mother. Give yourself a break. Mary knows you love her, or she wouldn't cry like that. It'll be fine." Erin opened the door and slowly got herself together. Ginni was glad to see that. She had come to depend on Erin's leadership, but now for the first time Erin was acting like a 19-year-old kid. That was understandable, but right now Ginni knew it was crunch time for their project. She wanted to succeed. It would be very good for her image, even if she did not stay with Pederson. But just as important, she liked Erin and felt that if Erin fell to pieces, it would tarnish her self-image for years. So Ginni did everything she could to get Erin settled down and focused. Erin for her part was grateful for Ginni's support. Slowly as the morning went along, she became much more productive than yesterday. They finished up the review of engineering reports after an hour and moved on to entering information on construction actions and financial transactions into the appropriate worksheets. Because there were so many of them since the project had been finishing up, it took almost 6 hours to do that. At noon, Erin called her father and asked to be picked up at 8:30 instead of 5. Ginni finished the financial worksheet earlier than Erin finished the construction worksheet and with Erin's concurrence she started putting in links to supporting documents and links inside the program. After Erin finished the entries for the construction actions, she started planning the project summary which was only required for the final report. She read and reread the instructions for the summary, what had to be there and what had to be included if relevant. Then she wrote a first draft and printed it twice. She gave one copy to Ginni and asked her to review and especially add any financial information she though should be there. She went over it carefully, comparing with the instructions. Ginni had some extensive suggestions. Together they rewrote the summary. Then Ginni had to leave at 8 because her boyfriend was picking her up. As she left, Erin told her that she would be at work at 1:30 PM right after church, if Ginni wanted to work tomorrow. Then Erin started to enter the draft onto the summary worksheet, but her father phoned and said he was waiting at the door. Erin asked her father on the way home if he could get her to work right after church, and then pick her up at 8:30. He agreed. When Erin got home, she spent the entire evening with Mary. She did everything she could to make Mary happy, of course nursing, playing with her, talking to her, dancing, singing. And it worked, Mary was ecstatic with the attention until she fell asleep. By then it was 10, and Erin went downstairs and said hello to her mom, who was worried about Erin and the time she was spending. Mom specifically asked if she had eaten dinner, and Erin admitted she didn't, but ate an apple to mollify her mom. Erin told herself, two more days and she would be done. The project was almost over. Of course, her mother had been keeping track. She said she had heard that Mr. Pederson was happy with her progress. Erin said, "Yeah. But I think I made an enemy of the CAO", and told her mom about the run in over deductions. Then Erin said, "I hope it doesn't cause you any problems, mom." Her mom laughed and said, "Don't worry. He and I are always fighting about something. This will just be another thing. The fact you are my daughter could be one of the reasons he was so intransigent." Then Erin said good night and collapsed into bed. Erin got up, cleaned Mary up and nursed her and then some time playing with Mary and prepared her for church, and then went downstairs and helped her mom with breakfast. Then she went back to her room and prepared herself for church. In this time of stress, these little routines were comforting. When she and Mary and her parents went in to Church. She talked to the other kids near her age, but Debbie was the center of attention with her new baby. Debbie was obviously enjoying it. During the serman, Erin and Debbie were confined to the nursery and had the service piped in to them, but they pretty much ignored it and chatted about this and that. Erin just enjoyed the lack of stress. What they didn't see was that every time the pastor talked about sin, he glared at the door to the nursery. But they probably would have just laughed if they'd have known. They already knew his attitudes. After the sermon they went out to the meet and greet and talked some more with other teens. Debbie was telling them all that she would be back to school this week. They asked if she was bringing Jeremy. She said "No, Erin and my family will be taking care of him at home." Some of them, still a little bit skeptical of Erin's changes, expressed concern, but Debbie waived it off and said she was sure things would be fine. Erin noticed that Chris hung around Debbie a lot and even took a turn holding Jeremy. That was cute, although Erin wondered where he would be when things got tough. After church, Erin's dad asked if she wanted to be dropped at work. Erin thought that would give her a little more time, so said yes. Once again as soon as Mary realized Erin was leaving her, she had a fit, and Erin felt just a miserable about it as yesterday. But she couldn't let herself fall apart. Her dad asked when he should pick her up, and Erin said she thought at 6, but would call him. Erin got in at 1 PM, 30 minutes early. She went to the break room and made coffee. Then she went to her desk and took off her coat and resumed entering the summary. At 1:30, Ginni called and said she was outside, so Erin went right out and let her in. Then she went and got a cup of coffee while Ginni was getting settled. For the next hour Erin entered the summary while GInni worked on links. Then they resolved their two versions of the report and Erin worked on links between the construction worksheet and supporting documents, while Ginni worked on other links. At 4 the project engineer came in and did his review. The three of them went over the summary in detail and he had extensive comments. Most of the comments required some discussion, since many of them consisted of "That is too much detail in a summary." To which Erin would reply "That detail is specified in the instructions. We cannot leave it out." At first, he would challenge her, but Erin would produce the instructions and he would just say OK. After a while he would just throw up his hands and say OK. It took 2 hours to get through this review. Finally, he complimented them on their hard work and sent an email from his phone to them saying he had reviewed the report and approved it. Erin then called her father and said she thought she would be late again tonight. Could he pick her up at 8:30? He said OK. Then Erin and Ginni took a break and had dinner. All they had to do now was finish the links and do a final review of their own. So, they started on that. It seemed to take forever. When Ginni commented "God, there are a lot of links in this report." Erin pointed out that the number of links should vary as the number of construction actions times the number of financial actions, and the latter was proportional to the number of construction actions, so the number of links should go as the number of construction actions squared. Since that number was high at the end of a project, she would expect the number of links to be high. Ginni asked how a high school dropout would know that? Erin realized she had revealed a little too much, did not make further comments. Finally, at 7:30 they finished the links. They spent a half hour going over the report one more time, and Erin downloaded it to Dropbox and emailed the NTRO that it was ready. She copied her email to Ginni, herself, the project engineer, and Mr. Pederson. Then they waited for Erin's dad, who called within a few minutes. They were both exhausted. Ginni asked, "What do we do tomorrow?" Erin said that with such a complicated report, she anticipated some NTRO comments and they would address those when they got in. Erin's dad came and picked them up promptly at 8:30, and they were happy to leave. The next morning, Erin found a reply from NTRO with 4 comments. She and Ginni went over them carefully, and decided they were all legitimate and something they could deal with easily. They spent the next two hours working on it and then downloaded a new version to Dropbox and emailed the NTRO that the revision was available, with an email copy to the project engineer and to Mr. Pederson. Then Erin followed with a call to say the report was available and added a comment that she hoped they could check it today since if it was acceptable, there would be no additional late fines for her company. The woman she talked to said she would be glad to check it today, but as long as a legitimate attempt at a report was in and normal progress were being made in any revisions, there would be no fines assessed. After all, the goal was not to levy fines, but to get compliance with the reporting provisions of the law. Erin was relieved. She would still like to get the report accepted today. She didn't want to fix errors tomorrow. But, at least she knew there would be no further fines. Next Erin sent an email report to Mr. Pederson with a copy to the project engineer and to Ginni giving the name of the NTRO employee and her message that there would be no further fines. She got a response almost immediately from Mr. Pederson congratulating her and Ginni and requesting their presence as a gathering in the break room at 2 PM. What was that about? Anyway, that gave her almost 3 hours to herself. She went down to payroll and found three checks waiting for her, for $1200 each. She went back to her desk and grabbed her coat and went to the front door intending to head to her credit union to deposit her checks, when Ginni said, "Hey Erin, want to go to lunch and celebrate." Erin, "I'd love to Ginni, but I don't have any cash." Ginni said, "I'll spot you the cost of lunch. Let's go." Erin, "I don't know when I will be back in. Wait a minute, I'll see if my mom can loan me some money." She and Ginni went to her mom's desk and waited for her to finish a phone call. Erin found her mom and asked "Mom, can I borrow a little money for lunch? I won't be able to get any cash from the credit union until Thursday, but then I will pay you back. Her mom said, "Sure Honey, and went and got $10 out of her purse. Is this enough?" Erin, "That's great mom. Thanks. See you later." Mom, "Don't forget to be back at 2." Erin, "What is going on mom? I got an email from Mr. Pederson." Ginni jumped in and said, "I was told the same by the finance director." Mom, "Well, it is possible that two young ladies who really helped the company out are getting recognized." Ginni, "Wow. Really? Cool." Erin, "I will be back by 1 to check my email. If I don't hear from NTRO, I might call them and ask If anything is wrong. I think I can do it in such a way that they don't feel rushed." Mom laughed, "Tread lightly. You have accomplished something a lot. Don't let impatience ruin it." Erin, "I'll be careful Mom. Promise." Ginni and Erin agreed on a Thai place a few blocks away, close to Erin's Credit Union. Erin stopped by the credit union first, and she deposited the $3600 in her account and got a readout that she had $8400 in her account but couldn't withdraw any money until Thursday. Bummer." Then they had lunch and talked about things they had never had time to talk about. Ginni graduated from Blakefield High about 4 years before Erin, so Fran should have known her, and she would have been a contemporary of Brian's. Although he attended prep rather than Blakefield High, he should have known her. It wasn't that big a town. But Erin didn't remember her. Ginni did make a comment that her parents were very strict and wouldn't let her date much, so maybe she just didn't get around enough for Brian to have met her. Now, Ginni had a regular boyfriend but wasn't ready to settle down yet. She wanted a career in finance, in spite of not having a degree. She planned to take courses and become a CPA. Erin talked about her time as high school and how she really messed up, winding up on drugs, married to a jerk, pregnant, and without a degree. Ginni said she heard from a younger friend about a "Crazy Erin" who had done some outrageous things at Blakefield High. Erin said "God, I'm trying to live that reputation down. What an idiot I was. I don't want people to think of me like that anymore." For the rest, Erin was happy to talk about family, work, and a little about school. But she was reticent to talk about relationships or clothes, two of Ginni's favorite subjects. Erin just did not feel comfortable saying she liked boys of any type and was clueless about woman's fashions. She told Ginni she had had one really bad relationship that resulted in Mary, so maybe not all bad, and that later she had been date-raped, so she was not very trusting of men. Ginni, "Yeah, you have had bad luck with relationships. But don't give up. Most guys wouldn't do what either of those jerks did to you. You'll run into a lot of nice guys when you don't have to spend so much time with your daughter." Erin laughed, "And they will all hear that I am the mother of two illegitimate children who never graduated from high school and run screaming the other way." Ginni looked at her and said, "I don't think so. Erin, you should be more confident in yourself. Whatever you may have been last year, this year you are very smart and responsible and are fun and very likeable. And you are very pretty. It won't take long until some guy realizes what a great girl you are and wants to spend time with you." Erin, "Pretty. Yeah. Pretty pudgy." Ginni, "Yeah, I heard you were very heavy. But I don't see it. Maybe 10 or 15 pounds overweight at most. That's nothing." Erin replied, "Well, thanks. I can certainly use the morale boost." Ginni, "You should update your wardrobe though. You always dress so conservatively. You're too young for that." Erin said, "Well, I am trying to hide some really ugly tattoos, so I always wear long sleeves." Ginni, "What kind of tattoos? Show me." Erin pulled her sweater sleeves up." Ginni, "Well, I have seen worse." Erin, "Thanks." Ginni, "You should get them removed, since they bother you. You don't want to be wearing a sweater forever." Erin, "I don't want to ask my parents to pay for that. They already pay for enough and it was totally my stupidity that made me get these tattoos. I had thought of using some of the money I got from this project to have them removed. I have to offer it to my parents first though. They paid for drug rehab and treatment and I owe it to them. And Mary needs some things." Ginni, "I'm surprised. Since Obama most health companies cover drug rehab. I read the policy that Pederson offers and had the impression it did cover rehab. It might even have covered tattoo removal, but I don't remember clearly." Erin thought she would pass this on to her parents. They got back from lunch at 1 PM, and Erin looked at her email and found nothing of interest. So, Erin spent an hour using the company internet to get her GED studies reorganized. She thought about making an appointment for the English Test just to keep herself focused but didn't know how much she would be able to study while watching Jeremy. At 2 she went to the break room and found it packed. Apparently, there was a party complete with snacks, soft drinks, and cake. When she and Ginni arrived, Mr. Pederson brought them up to the front of the room and motioned everyone to be quiet and announced "All of you know we have been paying monthly fines because we signed up to do project that required monthly reports we didn't know how to do. I want to announce that as of today, we have completed these reports and they have been accepted by the federal office that monitors them. So, we are not paying $17500/month in fines any more. That is why I decided to have a party." Everyone cheered. Mr. Pederson continued, "So let me tell you how the reports were done. Apparently, this is a new report format, and only one firm in Blakefield knows how to do it, and they weren't available to work on it until April. In early January, I got a proposal from a young lady to try to do the report. After discussing it with her I felt that she might have the knowledge and drive to get it done, so we released a contract to her to work on it. That young lady is Erin McLaughlin, the daughter of our Office Manager, Mary McLaughlin. Well after 1? weeks work, Erin did the first report proving that she could do it. At that time, I decided that we should try to get the reports done quickly, if possible without paying any more fines. So, I offered Erin a bonus if she could do that and also recruited one of the rising stars in our finance department, a young lady named Virginia Davis, to work with Erin. Well, the two young ladies shifted into high gear, working 60-70 hours for the last two weeks to get the reports in. Sunday night at 8 PM they submitted the last report and today it was approved. If it had been one day later, we would have been fined again. Let me introduce the two young ladies who did this supposedly impossible task, Erin McLaughlin and Virginia Davis," And he brought them forward. Mr Pederson said, "Do either of you want to say anything?" It was apparent from the silence that neither did. So, he asked what they intended to do now, Erin said, "I'm going to spend some time with my baby." Mr. Pederson said, "I forgot to mention that Erin did all this while parenting a 6-month-old infant." There was a lot of applause. Mr. Pederson, "How about you Virginia?" Ginni, "I have to work on taxes." There was a lot of laughter. Mr. Pederson then said he was awarding Ginni a $500 bonus and a $1/hour increase in pay and that she had a bright future at Pederson. Then there was a lot of applause. Finally, he said that if Erin ever wanted to work there, he felt she had a bright future too. Then he shook Erin's hand delicately, as a man shakes a woman's hand, and said, "Thank You," and handed her a check for $2000. She surprised herself and hugged him and said, "Thanks for your support." Mr. Pederson turned and shook Ginni's hand and said, "Thank you too," and handed her a check. Ginni smiled and said, "Thank you for the opportunity, sir." After the party, Ginni took Erin aside and said, "Don't be a stranger. Come by and see me once in a while and bring your daughter. I enjoyed working with you and hope to do so again." Erin thanked her and then went to her mother's desk. Erin asked, "What's the schedule for the rest of the day." Mom, "We leave at 3:30 and pick up Mary and go to your therapist. It's Monday, remember?" Erin, "I thought you were going to cancel two therapy sessions?" Her mom said, "I have faith in you Erin. I knew you would be done today, so I only canceled one." Erin, "OK, I'll go clear my desk. If I have time, I'll go for a short walk. But I will be at the front at 3:30. Then, she looked at her mom and said, "Love You, Mom." Mom, "Love You too baby." Erin went to her desk, took out a paper bag and put all her stuff in it, her tablet that was the last thing she had that had been Brian's, the picture of her and Mary with Santa, coffee cup and sweetener, a sandwich that she had not eaten today, notepad she'd borrowed from her mom, a couple of other minor items. Then she put on her flats and put her 2 in heels on the top of the bag and left the bag by Ginni's desk after asking permission. By then it was 10 after 3 and Erin walked out the front door and walked about mile away and then returned. She retrieved the bag and went to the front door and waited for her mom. Her mom came out a few minutes later and they went straight to infant care and picked up Mary, who was delighted to see her mother. Mom verified with the chief of infant care that, as she had told them a few days ago, they would not be dropping off Mary for care until further notice. Then, with Erin talking baby talk to Mary and getting occasional utterances back, Mom drove to the therapist's office. As usual Erin had her mother and Mary with her in the session. Ed didn't mind that. But he had told them it was unusual. Usually there was a lot of conflict and the child did not want the parent to be part of therapy. In fact, he usually had to work hard to convince the child that it would help their recovery if they could heal their relationship with their parents. He asked what Erin had been doing since he last saw her three weeks ago. She told him about the project and how it had worked out well and about Debbie's acceptance by her family and then her hemorrhage and how Erin had called the police to check on Debbie when she couldn't get a hold of her, about the birth of Jeremy, and about the arrangement Erin now had to provide child- care for Jeremy three days a week while Debbie finished high school. When Erin was finished, Ed said "Wow, you have been busy haven't you." Erin, "I guess I have. It didn't seem like that much at the time." He laughed and said, "In that stressful three-week period, did you ever have the urge to escape the stress using a pill?" Erin thought, and said, "No." He asked, "Did you use any of the techniques we talked about to avoid thinking about drugs." Erin, "No, it didn't occur to me to take a drug. Actually, I regard taking drugs as a stressful activity. I cannot imagine doing it to reduce stress." Then Ed asked, "OK, you have never told me why you took drugs in high school. I assume it wasn't because of stress. Can you tell me now why?" Erin thought, 'Geez, this conversation has taken a difficult turn,' and said, "I honestly do not remember why I took drugs, or what events lead me to take them. I just know my friends were taking them, so I did. But I don't remember any pressure or stress that lead me to them." Ed had enough experience to know that there were a lot of things Erin wasn't willing to talk about. In fact, anytime he asked about any high school memory Erin would say she didn't remember. But these were not things a kid would forget. He remembered that sort of thing from his own past 20 years ago. Darned if he could imagine why she would resist sharing like this. It wasn't because she was trying to avoid responsibility. She was willing to admit to some very negative behaviors that she had done if presented with a specific event by her mother. But she only occasionally brought up anything on her own, and then in broad terms, not specific, personal memories. It was almost as if she was reporting what someone else had said, not what she had lived. Could she really have lost most of her memories. There was no case like that on record, and he had done an extensive search of the literature. Whatever was going on, he wasn't sure it mattered to the therapy. Right now, Erin seemed very well adjusted and unlikely to relapse to drug use, whatever she must have been a year ago. And she was obviously bright and capable, even if she didn't have a high school diploma. In fact, she could do things that she shouldn't be able to do, almost like she had lived another life up to a few months ago and kept the knowledge and experience from that life. The most impressive and puzzling thing about Erin was that she could so easily give love, to her baby, to her mom, to her friends. But Ed had gotten records from high school counselors who noted that Erin disregarded social norms, had few friends, did not get along with her parents, and appeared to have a contentious relationship with most adults. They had diagnosed her with conduct disorder and labeled her a borderline sociopath. If true, that was something that could only be changed with time and therapy in a controlled environment. However, high school counselors occasionally misjudged children, and so it might not be true. Ed would love to unravel the mystery. If there was a simple, fast way to turn a sociopath to a loving, capable person, it would be a great benefit to society. But he knew that pursuing this depended on Erin being willing to work with him, and she was not now willing. Maybe he should just once talk to her alone, and present this to her and see what she said. But he would have to be careful or he could lose her trust. After the therapy session, Erin, Mom, and Mary returned home. Erin spent some time with Mary, changed her diaper, cleaned her up, nursed her, and talked with her. It was very nice to have time to do that. Then she carried Mary downstairs and helped her mom with dinner. Fran came home at about 6 and greeted Erin with "Hey stranger. Long time, no see. You must be done with that project." Erin impulsively gave her a hug said "Yeah. Thank God. I hate being away from Mary and you guys so much." Mom laughed, "And she hated all the accolades and the party today. And the challenge of the project. And the money. Hated it all." Erin smiled, "Well, maybe not all." Then Erin called Debbie. She told her the project was completed and asked if she wanted Erin to come over tonight to go over Jeremy's care, since she had not been able to go over on Sunday. But she would need a ride. Then Debbie talked to her dad, who said he was busy tonight. But maybe she could come over early tomorrow and get a once over. He could pick her up at 6. Erin said OK and asked if Debbie had a good day at school. Debbie said "It turned out my mother had to do something today also. So, tomorrow was my first day." Erin, "Sorry I delayed things for you Debbie. So, you ready to go tomorrow?" Debbie, "Yeah, but I'm nervous. What will people think of me? And I won't have time to do extra stuff, so it will be very different, not nearly so free. But it will be nice to finish High School with my friends." Then they said goodbye as they both had to get ready for an early morning. About 6:30 Dad came home, and they had dinner. Dad worked construction for Pederson's and had heard all about the successful project end, the party, and the award that Erin got. At dinner he congratulated Erin and asked what she was going to do with the money. She said that she was going to put $2500 in a savings account to pay income taxes and then write a check for $7500 to her father for the detox and drug therapy. She still owed him $2500 and would have to pay that later. He and mom looked at each other and nodded and he confessed, "Erin, it turned out that insurance pays 85% of the cost of therapy under 2000 and 100% after that. So, you only owe us $150 for detox and therapy." Given her conversation with Ginni this morning, Erin was not too surprised. She asked why they did not tell her, and Dad said he was waiting to see what she would do if she came into some money. He was glad that she had offered it to him. But he could only accept $150. Erin asked, "Is Fran paying any rent?" Dad, "We charge her $200/month for rent and food." Fran chimed in, "It's a steal of a deal," and laughed at her own joke. Erin said, "Then I want to pay you $200/month too, starting last October when I got home." Mom, "You didn't come home until almost November Honey. We will check and prorate it." Erin nodded. "When you know, tell me and I will write a check. How about Infant Care? That is also my responsibility." Mom, "We will claim that on our taxes, so we will have to figure out how much we paid and then subtract the taxes. We will tell you that amount too." Erin, "OK. I want to pay my share now that I can." Mom, "Honey, that $10400 you got seems like a lot, but it won't last long. Get some things for Mary and for yourself. Otherwise save as much as possible. Erin, "I will save most of it, but I want to see a doctor about getting rid of these ugly tattoos on my arms." She didn't mention the tattoo of "Rexs" on her ass. She continued, "I think it will cost a little more than $1000." Mom and Dad were delighted with that idea. CHAPTER 14. FEBRUARY, CARING FOR JEREMY, CONTACTING LATESHA The next morning Erin woke Mary at 5 AM and cleaned her up and breast fed her. Then she cleaned herself and did a small amount of makeup and combed her hair. Finally, she dressed Mary in her winter clothes and packed extra diapers and clothes and went downstairs to wait for Debbie's father. While waiting, she wrote her mother a note reminding her she and Mary were at Debbie's. Debbie's father was on time and they got to Debbie's house at 6:25. Erin came in and noted that Debbie was nursing Jeremy. They both seemed content. Erin sat down beside her and said "Hi Deb. How's everything?" Debbie looked up and smiled and said, "We're good. Looking forward to school. Never thought I'd say that. Give us a couple of minutes and I'll go over our routine and where everything is." Erin, "Sure." After Debbie had not talked for a minute, Erin put Mary on her knees facing her and started playing a little silent peak a boo. Mary got into it and started laughing, which got Debbie's attention. She smiled and asked, "When do they start interacting like that?" Erin said "I was talking and playing with Mary at 2 months. Early on, her responses were so low-key that you had to look for them. But they were there. I don't think it's ever too young to baby-talk infants. Even if they don't seem to react or recognize that you are saying something, they are taking it in and it prepares them for later growth and development, and it starts to build a strong relationship." Debbie said "Well, I will have to start doing that. OK, we are ready," and got up. Erin got up more slowly since Mary was more of a load to carry than a new-born. Debbie had made a list of what needed to be done and where everything was, which Erin appreciated immensely. Jeremy nursed every couple of hours during the day. Erin had read on the internet that she should have no problem nursing two children and had followed the recommendation to nurse often to stimulate her system to make lots of milk. Jeremy often spit up when he was burped, so Erin should put a towel on her shoulders. He also needed to be changed every couple hours. He was likely to fall asleep at any time, but Debbie tried to put him down at least an hour at 9, an hour at 1, and another hour around dinner time. Debbie had Jeremy in a onesie most of the time and often changed his outfit a couple of times during the day to insure he was clean. He loved to be held and cuddled, so Erin should see if she could find time to hold him during the day. Debbie tried to give Jeremy a bath in the morning. She hoped Erin could do that too in spite of having two infants to care for. At the end, Debbie showed Erin where everything was. Erin said, "Wow, you're really organized. That's great." Debbie, "As I was talking I realize how busy I am just taking care of one child. I'm sure two will be a challenge, but I have faith that you can do it. After all our ancestors took care of many more at the same time." Erin, "Yeah they did, and they didn't have modern conveniences. It must have been incredibly difficult. And I'm sure I will make mistakes. But I will do the important things for sure, nursing, cleaning, and monitoring that Jeremy is safe." Debbie, "Thanks Erin. Now I have to get dressed to go. I've almost forgotten how. Can you take Jeremy from here? Oh, by the way, I would like to spend an extra hour a day at school, at least at the beginning. So, I can catch up, and maybe just talk to some people." Erin, "Sure, when will you be home?" Debbie, "Is 4 OK?" Erin, "OK. I'll see you then. Have a good day, Deb." Erin decided the first thing to do was just get acquainted with Jeremy. However, before that she checked and found Jeremy needed a change. Then she checked Mary and found she needed a change also. So, she put Mary on Debbie's bed and put pillows around her. Then she started to change Jeremy, but Mary kept struggling to get out of her pillow prison. Erin finally got Jeremy changed and put him in his basinet. Then she picked up Mary and told her what an imp she was. Erin got her changed quickly and decided to ask Debbie if it was ok to keep her in the basinet when changing Jeremy. She was loath to do that without asking since it was slightly unsanitary. But the two babies were going to be as close as seemed necessary, they would be exchanging germs anyway. Then she picked up Jeremy and Mary and sat in the chair in Debbie's Room and just held the two for a while. She talked baby talk and smiled and made faces. Jeremy just lay there. Erin reminded herself that newborns didn't see well for the first few weeks. Mary started bubbling and laughing and wanting more action. So, Erin got up, slowly, and started walking around, testing how safely she could hold two babies. She felt fairly secure but did not feel up to dancing as she did with Mary alone. But she did decide to go downstairs and ask Debbie about putting Mary in the basinet. So, she walked into the hall. The stairs were steep and with a baby in each arm she had no arm for the handrail. Not that she needed it, but she was worried about a misstep. So, she proceeded slowly and cautiously. She found Debbie in the kitchen looking like a normal high school girl ready to go to school. Erin asked her question, got an affirmative, and sat down to chat for a minute. Debbie was bubbly with excitement at being able to go off, but also unable to ignore her son, and kept waving at him and came over to kiss him on the head several times. A few minutes later Debbie's father said he was ready to go, and Erin was alone in the house. Erin sat Mary down on the couch and put a couple of pillows around her, then carried Jeremy into the kitchen and got herself some coffee and cereal and milk. Then she choked breakfast down holding Jeremy and took the coffee into the living room and sat next to Mary and picked her up. Mary was happy that she was with her mother instead of at a care center and decided she wanted to nurse. Erin got herself situated and got Mary to a teat and Mary started to nurse with gusto, as she was prone to do these days. Somehow Jeremy sensed that there was food to be had and started fussing. So, Erin bared a teat and he also started to nurse. She sat there for 15 minutes until they were both finished and then got herself together and got them up one at a time and burped them. Oops, she had forgotten the caution about Jeremy spitting up, so she had to find a washcloth and wipe her blouse off. It was now time for Jeremy's bath, so Erin carried the two upstairs, put Mary in Jeremys Crib, put Jeremy's tub in the big tub and filled it, took his clothes off and plopped him in the tub and washed him gently and then leaned him back and washed his hair carefully to avoid water in his eyes. He had been wet so the bath killed two birds with one stone. Then she got him out of the tub, powdered him, diapered him, and put on a clean onesie. By this time, he was showing signs of being sleepy. So, she picked him up with the left arm, took him to the basinet, picked Mary up with the right (stronger) arm and put Jeremy down with the left and gently talked to him for a minute and he fell asleep quickly. Mary had been a sweety all this time, and Erin realized it was because she was half asleep too. Erin was also feeling sleepy herself, from the early morning. So, Erin took Mary and lay down on Debbie's bed and all three had a nap. About 10:30, Jeremy started fussing and Erin got up. She checked Mary and found she was wet and changed her while Jeremy continued to fuss. Then she put Mary down in a pillow prison and picked up Jeremy and found he needed to be changed too. So, she did that and then picked the two of them up and went downstairs. Jeremy acted as though he needed to nurse when she got downstairs, so Erin bared a teat and let Jeremy breastfeed, while she babytalked with Mary. After they were done, she walked around with the two of them, feeling confident enough by this time that she could dance a little, which caused Mary to sheik with excitement, and Jeremy to sort of look around, not quite sure what the excitement was. At noon, Debbie's mom came home for lunch, apparently also to check that things were OK. Erin greeted her from the chair and then told her what the three of them had done that morning, and Debbie's mom expressed the opinion that it was not good for children to sleep with their mother. Erin did not want to argue but did venture that "In general that may be true, but sometimes it is nice for I and Mary to be close together and sleep and Mary is happy with it." Debbie's mom sort of sniffed and said, "As long as Jeremy doesn't sleep with you." Erin let it pass but resolved to ask Debbie what her guidelines were. Debbie's mother then said "Erin, you are so very different than you were as late as last year this time. I think this is the real you. Do you know why you behaved as you did?" Erin brought out the now familiar comments, "I don't know. I don't remember much of that time. I was on drugs and a lot of the memories have just faded. Sorry for how I was. I am absolutely determined to never be that way again." It wasn't a lie. It just omitted that detail that Erin had been someone else then. At 1, Debbie's mom left without lunch, saying "It looks like you have everything under control. I will be home at about 5. So, Erin went to the kitchen to scrounge lunch. She settled for her favorite, a half a Peanut butter and Jelly sandwich and an apple. By this time the babies were both hungry and she let them nurse. Then she took them upstairs and checked them. They both needed new diapers. She laid Mary out on Debbie's bed and put pillows around her, and then changed Jeremy and put him down in his basinet. Then she got Mary up, took off her clothes, and gave her a sponge bath. Mary would still panic at the sight of a regular bath but enjoyed a sponge bath. Erin carried Mary out to where she kept her spare clothes and noticed that Jeremy was asleep. Then she put new diapers and a onesie on Mary and lay her down on the bed and laid down beside her. If she could get Mary to take a nap, she would have a precious hour to work on the GED. But it was not to be. Mary was 6 months older than Jeremy and was ready for another nap until 2:30 and apparently did not feel like changing her schedule. So, Erin gave up and picked her up and went out into the hallway and played with her. Mary enjoyed it immensely, burbling and laughing. Erin had to damp it down occasionally because it was so loud as to wake Jeremy. Finally, Erin heard Jeremy stirring, and went back into the bedroom. He was awake and starting to cry. So, Erin put Mary on the bed in a pillow prison and picked up Jeremy and comforted him for a few moments. He showed a few signs of wanting to nurse, but she also smelled a mess, so she changed him first and had to change his outfit too. Then she checked Mary and sure enough she needed changing. By the time Erin was through it was almost 3. She went downstairs and nursed Jeremy, and Mary decided she wanted to nurse too and joined in. At 3:15 they were done, and Erin decided not to check if they needed changing. It seemed she had already spent the whole day changing babies. So, she just walked around with them for a half hour, talking to them and dancing and singing. Jeremy seemed to be happy. Mary really got into it and laughed and occasionally shrieked, which Jeremy reacted to by looking around quizzically. At 3:45 Erin checked them and found Jeremy needed changing, so she took the two upstairs and changed Jeremy and then went back downstairs to await Debbie. Debbie got there at 4:15 and came in quietly and said, "Hi Erin, Hi Jeremy, Hi Mary" and put down her backpack. She came over to where Erin was sitting on the couch holding Jeremy, with Mary laying on the cushions trying to turn over, having recognized that someone else was here. Debbie picked up her child and held him close and kissed his head and said "You miss me, baby? I missed you." Jeremy sort of looked at her, almost as if he was trying to focus, and gave her a big smile, and she hugged him again. In the meantime, Mary recognized a change and wanted to be picked up and held, so Erin picked her up. Then Debbie sat down beside Erin and the two girls started chatting about their respective days. Debbie had had a great day. She had talked with all her teachers and mapped out a way to catch up. She had a load of books in her bag and asked if she could do some studying until 5. Her father wouldn't be home until then. Erin said "Sure. No problem." But Debbie spent a few more minutes telling Erin about conversations she had with friends about her experiences. She gave Erin lots of names, which she assumed Erin would know, but about which Erin was clueless. She also said Chris had spent quite a bit of time with her, and had given her $30 for Jeremy, which he had earned helping a neighbor. He said he had gotten a part-time job at a coffee house after school and would be giving her as much as he could. He knew Debbie was the one that was stuck with childcare all the time, but he would try to help some, so she could study. Debbie had been very moved and had hugged him in school, which was forbidden and earned her a comment from the lunchroom proctor. Erin told her about how the babies had done and that Jeremy had nursed three times and appeared happy. Debbie asked, "How much time did you work on the GED?" Erin, "Not a minute. Taking care of two babies is really time-consuming. They were both really sweet though and I enjoyed it. I'll do better tomorrow." Then Debbie went upstairs to study while Erin watched the two babies. At 4:30 Sarah came home from college and said "Hi Erin. How'd things go?" So, Erin gave her a short description and ask how classes were going. Sarah talked about the classes she was taking. Sarah was an enthusiastic student, as Brian had been, so Erin understood her interest in her classes and responded with encouragement. Sarah said, "Thanks for being interested, Erin." Then she volunteered to hold Jeremy and spent some time cooing to him and rocking him. Finally, Debbie's dad was here, and Erin went upstairs and retrieved her bag with Mary's stuff in it and told Debbie that she was leaving, and that Sarah was taking care of Jeremy, and went downstairs and Debbie's dad gave her a ride home. He asked, "How'd it go?", and she replied "Fine. Jeremy was happy, Mary was happy, I was content. But I need to learn how to carve out a little time to study and take advantage of having the internet right there. I'll figure it out soon." When he dropped her and Mary off, he gave her $150 cash. "Thanks" she said. Debbie's Dad replied, "Thank You. It means a lot to our family." At home, Erin was surprised at how tired she was. She did not remember working that hard, but she was totally beat. In spite of that she decided to tough it out and help her mom with dinner and talked with her father and Fran as they came home, as well as caring for Mary, and nursing when Mary showed she was hungry. After dinner, Erin found time to call Clara and talk about the project and her first day at Debbie's. Clara talked about getting together in April. It had finally struck Erin that she would be very pregnant at Clara's July Wedding. Erin mentioned "Clara, I will be within a few weeks of giving birth at the wedding. Are you sure you want me in the party?" Clara said, "Erin, I want you in the party if you can be there. And being within a few weeks of giving birth, you probably will feel well enough to be in the wedding. If you don't, we will adjust. I don't expect you to scrap for the bouquet or dance a jig, but if you can sedately move through the ceremony, I want you there. I love you Erin, my sister. I need you to be in my wedding." Tears came to Erin's eyes and she said, "OK, I'll be there, Sis. Love you too." The next day, Wednesday, Erin cared for Jeremy again. She started later and brought an old newborn's basinet that she found in her room, so she could have both babies safely tucked away at the same time. Other than that, it was almost the same as Tuesday. She was able to get a 30-minute break when both babies were asleep, so she had a little time to access the internet and look at the GED website. But not enough time to accomplish a lot. On Thursday, Erin did not care for Jeremy. She was free during the morning and she and her mom had an appointment with her OB/GYN at 3 PM. In the morning, Erin did some cleaning that she had noticed was needed. After Mary woke up from her nap and nursed and was changed, Erin walked up to the branch of the credit union near her home and deposited the $2000 bonus check from Pederson's into her savings account. She was also finally able to transfer another $500 to savings, so she had $2500 in savings that she could use to pay income tax if necessary. The final thing she did was set up a credit card. She filled out an application and set up autopay from her bank account, which reduced the interest rate. They offered her a debit card instead, but she didn't want a debit card since anyone who had that card could drain her checking account with impunity. She found out she could not get the credit card for 10 days while they investigated her credit. She hoped there were no problems but did not have a clue. She had investigated her credit online once while at Pederson's, and had found no flags, but her credit rating was miserable because she had never had credit and had no credit record. Now, with her applying for a card, they would do a much more thorough investigation. Because she would not get her credit card soon, she got another $500 cash out of checking. She figured that $800 would allow her to buy a mid-level cell phone and a prepaid plan that would last for most of the rest of the year. That was one thing she really wanted. She had really missed her cell phone since it had disappeared that evening she had been with Brian. She had missed being able to call from wherever she was, she missed email and texting, and she missed being able to use the internet over the phone. Being able to do that would be really useful in getting her GED. The phone would not take care of everything she needed to do online, but it would take care of a lot of it. She also thought that there would be a little money left over after she got the phone for her to have some cash of her own, jut to buy something she or Mary wanted. For the first time in three months Erin felt somewhat independent. Having some money that she could spend as she wanted gave her confidence in herself, that she could take care of her obligations. After leaving the credit union Erin went home. She got home at 2:15 and changed Mary and let her nurse. Her mom showed up at 2:45 and they hustled to get to the Dr's Office at 3. Then they waited 20 minutes to get in. The first visit in November had been focused on determining if Erin was pregnant. This visit was focused on determining the wellness of her and the fetus. Erin asked if her mother could be with her, which they readily agreed to. So, they started with the nurse who took a detailed medical history with all sorts of questions about the last month, and then all sorts of measurements, weight, stomach size, look at hands, not to mention blood tests. No, she hadn't experienced a lot of weight gain, no she hadn't felt nauseous, no her hands and feet were not swelling. They asked about longer-term history, and Erin told them she had taken various pills during high school and detoxed in October and had been clean since then. Then the doctor came in. She looked at Erin, holding Mary and looking totally normal and healthy. The last pregnancy, Erin had been 60 pounds heavier, and had shown signs of stress and drug use, although she would never admit to it. Now she had gone through detox, was in therapy, and appeared happy, content, and engaged, definitely an improvement. But there were still things the Doctor was concerned about. She started off with pleasantries and questions about how Erin was doing. Then she got down to business. She said, "You've lost 10 pounds since the last visit. Losing weight during pregnancy is not necessarily bad, especially if you are extremely overweight to begin with. But you are not extremely overweight, so it is concerning. What is going on?" Erin related "I was on a stressful project at work and I guess I didn't eat regularly. Mom talked to me and I am concerned that I may have harmed the fetus. Since then, mom has been urging me to eat normally, so I think I have it under control." Doctor, "I doubt you did any harm to the fetus up to now. But we need to be sure you are getting enough food to sustain the pregnancy. Tell me what you eat during a day." Erin went through her usual food, cereal and fruit in the morning, half sandwich and fruit at lunch and a regular dinner." Her mom chimed in "Doctor, her regular dinner is small. She puts a small amount on her plate and then doesn't eat it all. And I never see any signs that she eats between meals. And with her nursing I think she needs to eat more." Her doctor looked at her, "Is that right, are you nursing?" Erin said "Yes, plus I have started working in childcare as a wet nurse part time." The doctor said, "I would expect a nursing mother, especially a 5 ft, 11 in mother nursing more than one child, to eat 2000 calories a day. You sound like you are eating under 1500. And you are starting the second trimester. So, you should add another 300 calories a day for the fetus. In addition to calories you need a well-balanced diet. You said you eat plenty of fruit. How about vegetables and protein? If you are vegetarian you should focus on high protein vegetarian dishes. If not, be sure to get a serving of meat for dinner. The nurse will give you some dietary recommendations." The doctor took out her stethoscope and listened at Erin's belly. Then she smiled and listened some more. Finally, she said, "Well, it sounds like twins, Erin. Better add another 300 calories for the second fetus." Erin was silent while she considered the implications. 'Twins? Oh my God. Could she really cope with twins? Could her parents cope with twins?' The doctor said, "We will schedule an ultrasound for the next visit to confirm that. We will also schedule an amniocentesis to check for problems with the fetuses and a birthing scan to get a better estimate of delivery date." Erin said, "Doctor, the conception date is firm. I have not been sexually active except for the rape." Doctor, "Nevertheless, a birthing scan is worth doing. It will give me a better idea how the twins are developing." Erin was so used to being a woman that she rarely thought about having once been a male, that is, until something came along and rubbed her nose in it. And having a conversation with an OB/GYN doctor who told her she was pregnant with twins was definitely one of those things. A moment of feeling that everything was all wrong came over her, and she took on a look of worry and desperation and almost cried. Then the Doctor said, "Hey Erin, it's going to be OK. Thousands of women have twins every year and they manage to cope and to love their children. You will too." Erin laughed and said, "I know Doctor. It's just the enormity of the responsibility I guess." But it was more than that. It was a realization that her life was headed in a far different direction than she had ever planned or envisioned, that she was not the man she had wanted to be, and probably never would be. Then she said, "Thanks, Doctor. I will see you next month." As she left, she picked up a prescription and the package of dietary information and made an appointment for the first Thursday in March. On the way home, they stopped and filled the prescription. Erin asked her mother if her parent's insurance would cover her pregnancy, and mom said "Yes, it covers you until you are 21 if you live with us." Then Erin said, "Great. I will be able to get pregnant and give birth again, covered by insurance. Maybe next time it will be triplets. Or maybe it goes as the factorial of the number of the pregnancy and I'll have six. And it will all be free. Or ..." She continued with increasingly difficult and disturbing possibilities, until her mom said "Erin, stop it. You are making yourself hysterical. Things will be all right. Your father and I love you and will help you. For now, just worry about your daughter. Make her happy. We'll all of us deal with the rest later." Erin burst into tears. "God mom, I'm so lucky to have wonderful parents who love me. I don't deserve you, but I'm so grateful to you and I love you so much." Mom got a little teary herself and said, "And we're lucky to have you to Erin. You have turned out to be a wonderful daughter." Erin cried harder and said, "No I'm not. I was nothing but trouble in school, got pregnant by a thug, dropped out of high school and ended up on drugs, and you and dad had to cope with it all. I've been a terrible daughter. I'm so sorry." Mom once again told Erin to stop it and added "You have changed all that. The last three months you have been wonderful to live with and worth all the heartache from before. We love you and we love your child. You have got to realize that and believe that we consider you a gift." Slowly Erin got herself together. Somehow the incident was cathartic, and she started to plan for twins, instead of dreading them. Then, Erin asked if her mom could take her to the library and pick her up. She explained, "I absolutely have to start making progress on the GED. I have to finish this spring. When I am done with the pregnancy and when the twins are old enough to be in regular day care, I need to get a decent job, and for that I need high school credentials. I can't see how I can work on a GED when I have a 1 year old and newborn twins to care for. Her mother asked, "Have you been able to do any work on the GED at Debbie's?" Erin, "Only a little. Caring for two babies takes a lot of time." Erin's mom said, "If you do it right it does. But as time goes along you will get in the flow and be able to get an hour or two to work. But not more than that." Erin asked again, "So can you take me to the library?" Mom, "Sure." When Erin got home, the first thing she did, as always, was to insure Mary was clean and dry and happy. That took a while since Mary wanted to nurse. Then Erin dug out all the stuff she had on the English GED, including the study material she had checked out at the library. She had done nothing with it at all because of the project and hoped that she hadn't deprived any other student of it. It was almost due, so she would try to renew tonight. She seemed to remember she could do most of the studying using this material. However, to take the practice tests she had to be online. Tonight, her game plan was to go online at the library and reread the English section of the GED website and verify that she could do all the studying with the material she had checked out and then see if she could check it out again. After that, if all went well, she would sit down and start studying the material she had checked out. Then Erin went downstairs and helped her mom with dinner. Her sister came home before dinner was ready and Erin sat down on the couch and chatted with her. "How was your day?" Fran, "OK, No major problems. I actually had a citizen thank me for something I did. It was great. Oh, by the way, I have that information on that girl you roomed with at detox. Her full name was LaTesha Lincoln. Unfortunately, she pled guilty to conspiracy to distribute drugs and went away to Nola Girls Detention Center. She was a year younger than you. She was only sentenced to a year, so she should be out soon." Erin, "Oh God, poor LaTesha." Fran "She did plead guilty, Erin." Erin, "Of course she did. If there was a possibility you could be tried as an adult and sent away for life, wouldn't you? But LaTesha was so determined to make good. I just hope being in kiddy prison hasn't corrupted her. I'm sorry Fran, I don't want to argue with you. I really appreciate you getting this information. Thank You. Love You." Fran said, "Hey, I love you to, Sis." Then Erin added one more thing to her 'ToDo' list, look up LaTesha Lincoln's contact information on the web and call her parents and get her address so Erin could write to her, maybe visit her. Erin remembered how much she had valued friendly visits when she was in detox. Then her father came home, and they sat down to a pot roast dinner. Fran asked her "How did your checkup go, Erin?" Dad looked at them, "What checkup is that?" Erin, "With my OB/GYN, about the pregnancy." Dad asked with alarm, "What pregnancy?" Erin, "Dad, remember I got pregnant after that date rape incident?" Dad, "No, you didn't say anything to me about that." Erin looked at her mom and they both shook their heads subtly. "God Dad, I'm sorry. I don't know how I didn't tell you. It wasn't on purpose." He looked around at his wife and two daughters and said, "OK, tell me now. You became pregnant after the rape. You have obviously decided not to get an abortion, which I agree with. What else?" Erin said, "Dad, I want to keep the baby. After all, the child is innocent. And is part of me too. And I think you will think of him or her as your grandchild, so I hope you approve the decision. Mom said you would support me." Dad, "I do, but it would have been nice to be asked." Erin, "I didn't intend to freeze you out or anything, Dad. So much has been happening that I guess I forgot. I guess we all forgot. I'm sorry." Dad, "OK, so what did the doctor say today?" Erin, "She said I was doing OK, but that I needed to eat more." Dad said, "I agree with that too. Anything else?" Erin, "Well, um, ah, just that I am having twins." At this, her father turned white and Fran broke into laughter. Erin said, "Jeez, Sis, I'm glad you find it so funny. I hope you have twins someday, so I can laugh." Then she broke into laughter herself. That broke the tension, and they all relaxed. Her father commented that that was a life altering conversation and would give him something to talk to his friends about tomorrow. Then he asked them if there was anything else they had forgotten to mention. Erin asked, "I did tell you I am babysitting Debbie's son until school is out, so she can finish school, didn't I? And that I am still working on my GED. I hope to take the English test within the month. Then I will only have one test to go. And I am going to be matron of honor at Clara's wedding in June." He looked at her blankly and shook his head. "No. Is that all?" Then her mother jumped into the conversation, "You know, Bart, it would be easier to share details from our lives if you stayed home some evenings instead of going off to your club. And we would get to hear more about what you are doing too." Bart needed to think this over. He knew she would like him to quit the club. But he was one of the senior members, a former club president. The club did a lot of good, raising money for numerous charities. He loved the organization and liked all the other members. So, he struggled with the idea of being there less often. It was an important part of his self-image. But Mary had complained before about not seeing him enough. Maybe it was time spend more time with his wife and daughters. After all, his daughters would probably be moving out before too long. He knew Fran was seeing a fellow police officer seriously. He didn't know if Erin had a boyfriend. But he actually hoped she would develop a relationship. She was much readier than in high school, and she was very loving, so he was sure she could have a happy relationship. Maybe it would be good to stay home more, especially right now. He would have to think some more. But he still thought they should have found a way to tell him these things. After dinner, he headed off to the club like usual. After dinner, Erin helped her mom clean up, and then checked Mary and found she needed changing. Then she bundled up and bundled Mary up and got her things together and told Mom she was ready to go. Her mom got her coat on and they left. Her mom watched Mary at the library while Erin got her tablet out and signed onto the internet and went to the GED website. She read it carefully and got the material she had checked out from the library last month and determined that, yes, she had everything. So, she went to the desk and asked if she could check this material out for another month. The librarian checked and said, "Yes, you can, there is no hold on anything." Erin renewed the material. Then, as long as Mom and Mary seemed happy, Erin took some extra time to check back onto the website and looked at the test descriptions. Fifty percent of the test was multiple choice questions, but 25% was reading comprehension and 25% was writing, about a subject specified in the test. She wondered how she should prepare for reading comprehension and writing. She googled "how to prepare for a reading comprehension test'" She looked at a number of likely websites and got some common advice. First was a recommendation, to read once to get the gist and a second time to identify key points and meaning. The next recommendation was practice, practice, practice. Since questions about vocabulary as well as about content could be asked about written material, a lot of knowledge about writing was necessary to do well. Erin saw all sorts of questions that could be asked in different tests. It would require an immense amount of work to prepare for any conceivable type of question. But if she could figure out what was likely and only prepare for those, it was doable in a reasonable amount of time. The way to figure out what was likely was to do the practice tests provided on the GED website. So, the approach she would take was to study the material she had checked out and then take a number of practice tests and use that experience to decide what else she needed to do to prepare. She had a plan. She told her mom, "I'm done, Mom. We can go now." Mom, "That didn't take long. I thought we would be here a couple of hours." Erin, "I was able to check out the study material again. I will start preparing by reading it. I can do that at home. I also looked at some practice tests, so I have an idea of the type of questions there are. After I go over the study material, I will do a few practice tests. Then I will decide what else I need to do, if anything." Mom was dubious. "OK. But aren't you preparing for the test rather than mastering the material." Erin, "Yes, but remember I learned the material once in high school and then studied it before the project at Peterson's. So, I don't feel too bad focusing on passing a particular test. But more broadly, I hope the tests are constructed so that in preparing for them, I am improving my comprehension of the material." It made mom feel a little better that Erin was doing something to improve herself, rather than just preparing for a likely set of test questions. The next day, Friday, Erin cared for Jeremy. Mr. Silver picked her and Mary up at 7 and they got to Debbie's house at 7:30. Mr. Silver was a very nice guy and they had a pleasant if superficial conversation about Mary, about Erin's experience growing up, and about Debbie. Mr. Silver dearly loved his family and was proud of his daughters. And he couldn't resist a little bragging. So, Erin learned about how both Sarah and Debbie had been involved in music and musical productions from youth, how they had held school office, how high they had placed on the SAT, and how they had done volunteer work at a number of facilities. Erin was impressed. The old Erin may have known all these things, but it was new to the new Erin. At the end of the ride, he thanked her for listening. He knew bragging parents were boring. She smiled and said, "No, I enjoyed it. I like to hear about my friends. Sometimes in day to day interactions, you forget that they may have done wonderful things. It puts things into perspective. When they arrived, she took her things upstairs and found Debbie doing her makeup for school. She said "Hi Debb. How you doing?" Debbie said, "OK, I guess. How about you?" Erin said, "I'm doing OK too." They looked at each other and Erin said, "You go first." Debbie said, "Oh, it's just that Sarah and mom begged off childcare yesterday, so I couldn't go to school. I don't know how this is going to work. I'm a little discouraged. I really need to be in school every day to do well." Erin, "I'm sorry Debbie. Look if you get in a bind, call me and I will be happy to come in and cover for a day, either as a reschedule or just extra." Debbie, "Thanks Erin. I appreciate it. But I'm also concerned that this is a sign that mom really isn't committed to making this work. She changes from day to day. One day she seems supportive and willing to help. The next, she mad about Chris and Jeremy again and breaks her commitments from the day before. I don't feel I can depend on her." Erin, had also noticed that Mrs. Silver's attitude changed from day to day, but tried to be positive and said, "Well, maybe you should talk to her and tell her how important it is to you to be at school every day." Debbie, "I've tried, but it seems the garden club and the Rotary and Kiwanis, and any one of a half dozen church activities are more important to her than my school. I know they are important to her, but she has her whole life to do them. I only have these five months." Erin, "Look, maybe Tuesday and Thursday are bad days for her. I can change my schedule. So, if there are another three days that would work better for your mom, just tell me and I will change." Debbie said, "It's worth a try. Thanks, Erin. OK, it's your turn. What's up with you." Erin, "I had an appointment with my OB/GYN yesterday. I'm pregnant with twins." Debbie, "What! Twins? Oh my God. That sounds like so much work. Are you OK with that?" Erin, "It doesn't matter if I am or not. It's happening. I'm just trying to get my head around it. My first thought is that I have to finish my GED before I give birth. Because afterward, there is no way during the twins' first year, and after that I will need to get a job as soon as possible. So, I am going to work as hard as I can on finishing up. Mom took me to the library last night and I worked on it. I have some study material with me and will work on it if I get any time today." Debbie, "Well, trust you to use news of twins as a call to action. Geez, Erin. I hope everything goes easily. I'm here for you if you need." Erin, "Well, just don't get discouraged with school. We both need to do what we can to have high school credentials. And just remember, this too shall pass. In 10 years, we will have healthy, thriving children and will look back on these days when everything looked so bleak, and we will have a glass of wine and laugh about it." Debbie, "God Erin, do you really think so?" Erin, "I know so. It' just a matter of doing what we know needs to be done." Then Erin went and checked on Jeremy. He was OK, so she spent some time just talking and playing with both babies. After a while everyone left for their various activities, work, volunteering, school, and Erin spent the day caring for the kids. No one came home at lunch to check on her, and she just had a routine day. She was improving her skills at handling two children simultaneously, and she wound up with almost 45 minutes of study time. She was able to use almost all of it to study for the English section of the GED. When Debbie came home at 4:15 both babies were happy and had gotten plenty of attention and food and care through the day. Debbie told Erin about her day. She said she had told the teachers why she had not been there the day before and they had accepted it and were not going to penalize her for her absence, so she felt better. At 5, Mr. Silver arrived and gave Erin a ride home. When they got home, Erin checked Mary and found she needed changing, and then found she was interested in nursing. Mary seemed to be hungry all the time recently. Erin had read that babies go through growth spurts where they are exceptionally hungry. That must be what was going on. Then Erin took Mary downstairs and helped her mom with dinner. She asked "Mom, would you take me to the mall this weekend? I have taken some money out of the bank and want to do some shopping." Mom, "Sure, what are you shopping for?" Erin "Mainly a prepaid smart cell phone, so I can use the internet at home. There are a couple of other small purchases." Mom, "Why don't we put you on our family plan instead of you buying prepaid?" Erin, "What are your plan's data limits?" Mom, "Sorry, I don't know." Erin, "Can I see a bill for the plan?" Mom, "Sure, there is one on the desk." Erin went at looked at the bill. "Jeez mom, you guys are paying for a lot of data, but you used almost none last month. Are all months like this?" Mom, "I think this month is typical." Erin, "why are you paying this much for data that you don't use?" Mom, "That was the plan the company suggested." Erin, "Can I look at your phone?" Her mom found her phone and gave it to Erin. Erin, "Mom, that is a good quality smart phone. What do you do with it?" Mom, "I call people and get calls. Dad bought a pair of phones for us that were the same. Some sort of two for one bargain." Erin, "From the billing statements, it looks like dad also uses it purely as a phone. I'll go on the family plan provided you let me change the data plan and pay for my share. You and dad will save money too." Mom, "Let's talk to dad at dinner. Then Erin asked, "Do you ever text? That is a great way to contact me or Fran without having to call." Mom "No. Sometimes I get a text from the cell company, but I've never sent one." Erin "Let me show you how to send one." Mom "Fine." Erin showed her how to select the person to send to from the telephone contacts, and selected Fran. Then she sent a test text to Fran. A minute later a response from Fran came back, "Test message received. Way to go, Mom." Erin "Mom, would you like me to set your phone up to receive work emails?" Mom, "Later, I have to get dinner done." After that, Erin checked Mary and then helped her mother more. Dinner was only for three that night since Fran had Friday off and was spending it with her boyfriend. But Dad didn't get home until 6:30, so they waited for him and played and talked to Mary in the meantime. Mary loved being the center of attention. Erin asked Mom if that was true of all kids, and mom said "No, a lot of kids hate it. You certainly didn't care for it when you were young. Erin than asked, "Does that mean Mary will be very social and confident?" Her Mom said, "Maybe. Actually, I think so. Nothing seems to phase her, lots of people, kids, pets, nothing. Mary is always very open and happy. Of course, she's got a lot to be happy about, especially her mother." Erin blushed at this compliment. That night her father said that Erin could do what she wished to the data plan as long as it didn't cost too much, and they still had the access they needed. The next morning after she spent some time with Mary, Erin helped her mother with breakfast and with their housecleaning. Then her mom took her to the mall. First, they went to the TSRising cell service company and waited ? hour to get to the front of the line. Erin looked at several phone models and bought a very capable used high-range cell phone for $300. She would have loved to have bought one of the newer top of the line models, but It didn't make sense for her. Then she added her phone to mom and dad's family plan. Since Fran was also on the plan it cost an extra $20 per month. She could easily afford that now. Her mom suggested that Fran should pay $10 and she pay $10, but Erin said, "No mom, Fran has established position in the plan, and I lost my chance when I ran off with Rex. The last thing I want to do is get into a pissing contest with Fran over $10/month." Mom, "Fran is very mature and wouldn't take it that way," but Erin felt that subconsciously she would be resentful and that it wasn't worth it. Erin was getting along with Fran really well and wanted it to continue. After Erin got the phone sorted, they went to a book store and bought a personal journal, which was one thing Erin had been used to filling out as Brian, and really missed. She got a nice one that was very usable for $20. She also picked up copies of the most recent Discover and The Economist magazines, which surprised her mother, who commented, "Erin, when did you start reading those?" Erin said, "I've always read them, but I could never afford them," which was only half true, they had been Brian's favorite casual reading. Then they went to a department store to look for clothing for Mary. There were a lot of options, and they took a while deciding, but picked out 5 outfits that looked warm, easy to get on and off, and attractive. Then her mom insisted on a dress for church. Erin said that didn't make sense for a 6-month old, but her mom insisted that she would pay for it, so she could buy anything she wanted for her granddaughter. Mary wound up with two dresses and seemed to love them. Erin groused it was a waste of money but noticed how much her mother was enjoying seeing her granddaughter in a dress and she decided to stop being a grinch. Then they went to the maternity department. The clothes Erin's mom had bought her just a month ago did not fit her well any more. She was thinner, and she was starting to develop a baby bump. Erin's dad had brought a box down from the attic with maternity clothes from her pregnancy with Mary, but they were the ugliest things, even the underwear. Erin hated the thought of wearing them. She did not want to look like a pregnant goth chick. And the camouflage underwear were something else. Besides, the basic fit of the old maternity clothes was wrong, too big around the shoulders and fanny. Since Erin had a little money, she had decided to treat herself to some attractive maternity clothing. She wandered around the department and picked out a couple of dresses and skirts and blouses and underwear that would fit her better and that had long sleeves to hide her tattoos. Her mother teased her by observing "Erin, it's a waste of money to buy new maternity clothing. You have perfectly serviceable maternity clothing at home." Erin took it is good humor, "OK Mom, you have made your point. I was off base to complain about you buying Mary some dresses." Her mother chuckled, "Yes you were." Before they left, her mother pointed out a pretty, red maternity dress Erin could wear to church. Erin looked at the price tag and choked. But her mother insisted she would buy it herself if they had a size that would fit Erin, which they did. Then they went home and had a quiet Saturday evening. Mom read a book she had really gotten into and Erin cared for and played with Mary and, when Mary took a nap, Erin got out her GED study material and spend a good 1? hours studying. Dad came home from the club a little earlier than expected and asked if they wanted to go out, Mom said that they had spent some time out already and that on Saturday everyplace would be crowded. How about ordering Chinese and picking it up? So, he called in an order and went to get it. Erin managed to get him to include H&S soup, pot stickers, and Mu Shu Chicken, which were new to her parents. The H&S soup was way too hot for anybody but her, but they enjoyed the pot stickers and Mu Shu Chicken. There was lots left, so Fran could have some if she wanted after she got back from her date with her boyfriend. The next morning, Erin wore her new red dress. One of the dresses that Mary had gotten was also red, so Erin put her into that. They were cute together and mom took a half a dozen pictures. When they went to church, Erin got a lot of comments about the matching dresses and even Mary seemed to be aware and ate the attention up. But pretty dress or not, She and Mary were consigned to the nursery during the service. Erin didn't mind. It gave her a chance to talk at length with Debbie. Then her family went to lunch on the way home and she had a nice chat with Mom and Dad. As they were leaving, two girls she didn't know stopped and looked at her and said, "Are you Erin McLoughlin?" Erin nodded. Then they said, "Hi Erin. It's been a long time. You've changed a lot." The two girls looked sort of rough. Friends from earlier in Erin's life, maybe? Erin returned the greeting and said "Yes, I've gone through detox and am trying to take care of my child and get a GED, so I can get a good job." They said they'd heard that she about this from other friends and asked her why. Erin said, "I just want to be a good mother." One said, "That's new. You scoffed at being a mother and dreaded it when you were pregnant." Erin said "Well, responsibility for another life makes you rethink who you are." They laughed, and one said, "God, another reason to never get pregnant." The other girl had been looking at Erin and asked "Erin, are you pregnant again? I mean, you look like you have lost weight, but you look like you still have a belly." Erin, "Yes, with twins." Then the girl asked, "Are they Rex's?" Erin, "No, I haven't seen that bastard for months. I was date raped by someone else." Girl, "God, why don't you do something about it? I mean there are clinics that would abort the fetuses with no pain, and you would be free, or freer since you still have to care for her (pointing at Mary)." Erin, "No, I believe in choice, but my choice is that those fetuses are human too and I cannot kill them. I have decided I would not have an abortion." Girl, "Well, give them up for adoption then. Hell, you could put your first up for adoption too and be totally free. Anything but being a mother of three children." Erin, "No, I enjoy being a mother and I love my children." Then the girl shook her head and said, "God, you are like a different person, Erin." And they left abruptly. Erin would have liked to have talked longer and gotten more information on what Erin had been like before the switch, but the two girls didn't appear to be interested in talking to her any more. Erin did notice that Mary was uncharacteristically quiet during the encounter, as though she had somehow understood the two girls' attitudes toward her. When she got back to the car, her mother said, "How are Bethany and Sue?" Erin, "They seem to be fine. They were trying to convince me to get an abortion." Her father was stony faced and mouthed the word "Bitches." Erin laughed and said "It's OK Daddy. You can just say it. I won't disagree with you. And No, they didn't convince me. I know what is right for me. So, don't worry." Then they went home, and Erin spent her afternoon caring for Mary and playing with her. Her parents had some guests over from her dad's work crew, so Erin went down and chatted with them for a while. They had heard about the project she had done at Petersons and asked her about it. She told them a little, but then excused herself when Mary was showing signs of being tired. After putting Mary to bed, Erin was able to get another hour of concentrated study for her GED. When Mary woke up, Erin cleaned her up and changed her and spent some time playing with her and dancing with her. Then she called Clara and filled her in on what had happened that week. In turn, Clara told her about her week. Of course, the big topic of conversation was the twins. Clara asked, "Have thought of names?" Erin "If there is a boy and a girl, maybe I will name them Brian and Clara." Clara, "Erin, You wouldn't?" Erin, "I don't know. Maybe. What do you think?" Clara, "It would make it hard to keep us straight. And it would make it awkward to introduce them to our mom and dad." Erin, "Maybe. I'll think about that." This week set the pattern for the next month and a half. Erin did childcare and wet nursing for Debbie, with some variation in her schedule, working 3 - 4 days a week, depending on how much Debbie's sister and mother could help. Erin spent every moment she could when she wasn't busy with Mary and Jeremy reviewing the study material for the Engilsh GED. She also got her mom to take her to the library one evening so she could do the practice tests. From common types of questions on the practice tests she developed a step by step approach to doing the reading comprehension questions. But the hardest thing was developing an approach to the essay portion of the tests. She read over the composition material she had gotten a second time and worked out an approach to composing and essay and went over the Elements of style to get her prose up to standards. Finally, she felt almost ready, and scheduled the test the last Thursday of March. In addition to appointments with her therapist every week, Erin had an appointment with her pediatrician and another appointment with her OB/GYN in March. The pediatrician said Mary was doing well and continued in the 95th percentile of height. The OB/GYN did an ultrasound and confirmed that Erin was carrying twins and the amniocenteses indicated there was one boy and one girl. The OB/GYN also noted that Erin had lost another 5 pounds and really emphasized the importance of eating regularly and eating enough. Erin told her that she was trying to eat more but that it made her stomach ache and that she almost gagged and hurled if she ate a large dinner in particular. The doctor told Erin to eat more, smaller meals and emphasized that Erin needed to avoid losing any more weight, and if possible gain some back. Another thing Erin did was ask Mom for convenient times to schedule an appointment with one of the dermatologists recommended at the tattoo shop. When she finally saw a dermatologist, he told her that it did not look like the tattoos on her arms were deep, and they were very dark, so he ought to be able to do a good job of getting rid of them. The tattoo on her bottom was applied with a more permanent technique and might not come completely out. He recommended at least three sessions. And he emphasized it would hurt. Like hell. Could she take a vacation and not use her arms for a couple of days after each session? Erin knew she couldn't. She asked if there any wrap she could put on her arms that would allow her to care for Mary? He didn't recommend it and again said that it would hurt like hell, but he also conceded that totally avoiding any use of her arms was unlikely given that Erin had a child to care for. Plus, she needed to sit down so the one on her bottom was going to hurt. But he recommended she minimize activity the two days after the session to reduce the chance of scarring. Finally, Erin and the Doctor decided on Friday afternoons for the sessions, so at least Erin wasn't caring for a second child after a treatment. The doctor said they should schedule three at an interval of 8 weeks, and then reevaluate to see if more were needed. The cost was $300 per session, payable up front. Erin tentatively scheduled the first session at 4 PM the first Friday in March. The next day she asked Debbie if she could get off at 3 on that Friday. Debbie said that yes, she could be home by 3 that days. That evening, Erin asked mom to pick her up at 3 at Debbie's that day and take her to the dermatologist. When mom agreed, it was all set. A final thing Erin did in February was to get in contact with LaTesha. While at Debbie's caring for Jeremy, Erin tried one of these internet people search firms for LaTesha Lincoln (at a cost of $30, which she considered cheap.). She found nothing. Then Erin simply googled "LaTesha Lincoln" and came up with hundreds of hits. When she added "Blakefield" to the search the number of hits fell to a few hundred. She went through them carefully and found several references to a LaTesha Lincoln running track for Blakefield High School. Did the old Erin know her? They were at the same high school just a grade apart. Finally, Erin found a reference in a news story a few years ago about LaTesha and her brother who also ran track. It was an interesting story, pointing out that both of them were excellent students. But, most important, it gave her another name to search for. She finished going through google results for LaTesha Lincoln and didn't get any other information. She googled LaTesha's brother and found that he had gotten a scholarship to Princeton. Impressive. Then she paid the people search company another $30 to find LaTesha's brother. This time she got a name and address in Blakefield, and a phone number. That evening, Erin called the phone number she had gotten from the search for LaTesha's brother. A woman picked up the phone and Erin said "Hi, I'm Erin McLoughlin. I shared a room with LaTesha Lincoln at the Detox Facility of Blakefield County last November. I'm trying to get into contact with LaTesha. Is there a phone number or address you could give me?" The woman's voice became very wary. "What's your name again?" Erin, "Erin McLoughlin?" Then there was a pause. Erin was sure the woman was writing the information down. "Why do you want to talk to LaTesha?" Erin, "I shared a room with her for 9 days at the county detox. We became friends. I heard she wound up in detention. I would like to visit her. I feel terrible that happened to her and hope I can help by visiting." The woman, "How do I know that is true?" Erin, "I'm the blond girl who shared her room. What else can I tell you?" The woman, "What did they call you two?" Erin, "Oh, the staff called us the Bobsi Twins." The woman spoke in a little friendlier way, "I'm LaTesha's mother. I'm still not going to tell you anything. But I have an appointment time to call LaTesha on Saturday, and I will ask if she wants me to give you her contact information. What is a good number to call you back?" Erin gave the woman her cell, and said "Thank you, Mrs. Lincoln." The woman said, "You're welcome." and hung up. Erin was a little surprised but thought there must be a reason that Ms. Lincoln was so wary. Erin had done her best and now had to wait for Mrs. Lincoln to call her back. Mrs. Lincoln called Erin back on Sunday afternoon, and said "I talked to LaTesha, and she would love to have you visit or write. She is in Nola Girl's Detention Center. Here is the address: LaTesha Lincoln, Resident xx-xxxxx, care of Nola Girls Detention Center, 4632 Main, Nola, ID 83799. Here is a number that you might be able to reach her at: 208-333-xxxx, but it is hit or miss unless you have a formal appointment time for the call. But feel free to try, if she can get it I'm sure she would like to talk to you." Erin read the phone number and address back and then said "Why is she in a prison? She is not an adult yet." Mrs. Lincoln, "They were short of space, so they opened a special facility at Nola. According to the judge, LaTesha was supposed to stay close to her family, but that didn't seem to matter." Then Erin thanked her and was about to hang up. But the woman said, "One more thing, you live in Blakefield, right?" Erin said "Yes, Maam." Ms. Lincoln, "If you do go up to visit her, could I get a ride with you? I haven't been able to get there for over two months. LaTesha said you were safe to ride with." Erin said, "Sure, I will call you and keep you informed. I have to arrange a ride myself. I don't drive. But I will arrange a ride and call you." The woman said, "Thank You." And they hung up. Erin thought, no time like the present, and called the number and got a busy signal. Apparently, Sunday night was not a good time, because Erin called 4 more times that night and got a busy signal each time. Well, maybe tomorrow. In the meantime, she sat down and composed a letter to LaTesha saying how bad she felt that LaTesha was in a prison, and that she didn't deserve it, and asking if there was anything she could do, anything she could send. Then Erin said she hoped to visit and was trying to call but hadn't gotten through yet. She said it would probably be a weekend, since she was caring for a friend's baby during the week. Erin filled LaTesha in a little about what she was doing, but Erin was so blessed and LaTesha was having such a bad time, that Erin hated to tell LaTesha all the good things. So, Erin just mentioned she was working on her GED and that she had a part time job as a babysitter and wet-nurse. Erin did write extensively about Mary. That was so easy for her. And she told LaTesha about her pregnancy. Then she went downstairs, put the letter into an envelope, put on a stamp, and added LaTesha's address, but then remembered she didn't know the return address. It was ridiculous, but the new Erin had never sent mail from this house. Erin asked her mom, who gave her a quizzical look, and told it to her. The letter was ready to go, but how should she mail it. She asked her mom that too, who told her "The same as always. I take it to work and put it in their mail." Erin, "OK, thanks mom. Oh, Mom. Do you remember that when I was in detox, I made friends with my roommate, named LaTesha?" Mom, "I remember Fran telling me something about that." Erin, "Well, she was not a voluntary patient. Her boyfriend was a drug dealer and she was charged as an accessary, which carries a very long sentence. But she was a juvenile, so shouldn't have had to face that. However, they charged her as an adult in order to get a guilty plea from her and get her to testify against her boyfriend. Then after she testified, she wound up having to serve a year in detention. I would like to visit her. She's really a good person Mom. She and I talked for hours in the evenings and she gave me lots of advice and time when I desperately needed it. But she is at Nola Prison. Could you give me a ride, Mom? Please?" Mom, "Um. That's a 2-hour drive, Erin. Why do you want to visit this person, anyway?" Erin, "She was a friend to me when I needed it, and I think now she needs a friend. And I like her. She is really a nice person. And I know it's a big thing to ask you. But I don't have many alternatives. And I really want to see her." Mary McLoughlin was not inclined to facilitate Erin's contact with a convict. She was enjoying Erin being out of trouble and was concerned about her granddaughter. On the other hand, she had come to really trust Erin in the last couple of months and was inclined to help her when she asked. Finally, the trust won out and she said, "When do you want to do this, Erin?" Erin, "This Saturday if possible, Mom. Next weekend, I may not be feeling well because of the tattoo laser treatment. But I need to talk to LaTesha to be sure Saturday's OK. I will try to do that tomorrow." The next evening, Erin tried calling several times when she wasn't caring for Mary, with similar results as Sunday night. But she kept at it and after dinner, she dialed again and this time a voice answered, "Nola Prison, Girl's Detention Phone visiting center." Erin was so used to hearing a busy signal that she almost hung up out of habit, but she got herself together and said, "Hi, my name's Erin McLoughlin. I'm hoping to reach LaTesha Lincoln." The voice said, "Wait a minute while I check." It was actually more than a minute, But, finally the voice came back and said, "She will be here in a minute. Once you start talking, you have 15 minutes. You should be advised that this phone call will be recorded for later analysis." Erin, "Yes Maam. Thank You Maam." A couple of minutes later a voice came on and said, "This is LaTesha. God is this really you, Erin?" Erin, "It's me LaTesha. It's so nice to hear your voice. Are you doing OK, considering the circumstances?" LaTesha, "Yeah, considering the circumstances. I was so surprised and happy to hear that you contacted my mother. Thank You, I was beginning to think I was forgotten." Erin, "How could I ever forget you LaTesha. You were the only bright spot at Detox. And I know you didn't have to go out of your way to be friendly or to help me as you did. I appreciate it." LaTesha, "What has happened to you since detox?" Erin, "Well, I've started on my GED. I've passed the Math and Social Studies tests. I have signed up for the English test in late March and am working on it now. That will leave only science, which I hope to finish in early June." LaTesha, "Erin, that's great. I'm going to need to do that too, when I get out." Erin, "Can you work on it while you are there?" LaTesha, "They used to have GED study packets for the inmates, but not now. Cutting costs, I guess. So, I will have to wait." Erin, "Would it be OK if I tried to get some of the study packets and send them to you?" LaTesha, "Sure. But don't send anything that is at all valuable. Around here, things disappear." Then Erin said, "When do you get out LaTesha." LaTesha, "I think in August, but nothing's for sure, since it depends on good time. At the worst it would be 2? years from now. But no matter how much they screw around with me, they can't extend me beyond my 21st birthday. You know, Erin, I came out of this way better than I could have. They were threatening to prosecute me as an adult and ask for 20 years." Erin, "I heard you had to testify against your boyfriend to avoid that." LaTesha, "My boyfriend was trying to pin everything on me. So, I would have testified against that asshole no matter what. But his friends were not happy and have threatened me and my family. That is why my mother was not willing to give you any information when you first called." Then LaTesha asked, "So, are you doing anything else besides the GED?" Erin, Well, I am doing part time childcare for a friend. She wanted me in particular since I can nurse her child while I am taking care of him." LaTesha, "I think any honest work is good. Are you staying with your parents? How is your baby? Are you and your mother doing OK?" Erin, "Mary's doing really well. She's healthy and responsive and sweet and cute as a button. And I think I had the wrong impression of my mother. She's been wonderful since I got back home. And Fran has been really nice too. I was way too negative before. Oh, I'm pregnant again, with twins." LaTesha, "Oh God, Girl. Same father as Mary?" Erin, "No, I haven't seen that prick for months, and hope I never see him again. I went out on a date, and woke up in Lambart Park, naked as a Jay Bird and Pregnant. They found GHB in my system. I'm assuming the father was the guy I was dating. And he's disappeared." LaTesha, "You're keeping the babies, I assume, since you didn't say anything about abortion or adoption?" Erin, "Yes. After all, these two kids never chose how they were conceived, and deserve a chance to live and be with their family. Thanks for not suggesting an abortion. I ran into some so-called friends from high school who told me I was crazy for not having an abortion." Seeing the 15 minutes were almost up, Erin asked, "Would it be OK to visit this weekend?" LaTesha, "Sure, not doing anything else. Never do. Is there any chance you could give a ride to my mother? Two months ago, our car died, and my parents haven't been able to make the trip since." Erin, "She already talked about that. So, we will see you Saturday. Are there any procedures I should know about? Is there anything I can bring you? Magazines, newspapers, food?" LaTesha, "Thanks, Erin. My mom knows what to bring. See you Saturday, Girl." After the call ended, Erin called Mrs. Lincoln and told her what had happened and asked if she wanted to come this Saturday. Mrs. Lincoln was thrilled and said yes immediately. Erin asked, "What time do you think we should leave. This is new to us." Mrs. Lincoln, "I'd suggest as early as you are comfortable. The driving is easier. And there won't be such a crowd in the visiting room." Just then mom walked by in the hallway and Erin asked Mrs. Lincoln to hold on a minute and called to her mother and asked, "Mom, the visit is on for Saturday. We are taking LaTesha's mom with us. She says that leaving as early as comfortable is best. What time would you be comfortable leaving on Saturday?" Mom, "How about 8 AM? Is that early enough?" Erin then got back on the phone and said, "We could leave at 8 AM to pick you up. We live in Sacco neighborhood, on the East side of Blakefield. How long would it take to get to your place?" Mrs. Lincoln, "15 minutes on Saturday morning. So, you will pick me up at 8:15. I'll be ready. Thanks." Erin, "Oh, by the way. I would like to bring LaTesha something. What would she like? She wouldn't tell me what to bring." Mrs. Lincoln, "They don't let them have much. Maybe some good instant coffee or snack foods. Let me think about it." Erin, "How about books? Can I bring her books that 19-year-old girls are reading? Or is there an author she likes?" Mrs. Lincoln suggested a couple of names and Erin wrote them down. When Erin hung up, her mother said "Erin, you didn't tell me we were taking someone else." Erin, "Oops, Sorry Mom. LaTesha's family's car broke down a couple of months ago and her mother has not been able to visit her for two months. So, I just asked her without thinking. It makes it easier for us too, since she knows the way and the procedures." Mom, "You're very nice and thoughtful to do that, but I'd just like to know ahead of time." Erin, "OK, Mom. I'm sorry." They had switched her Drug Therapy to Tuesday since Erin could care for Debbie's baby Mondays. After the therapy session, Erin asked her mom to stop at the local mall and they shopped for gifts for LaTesha. Erin found a book by one of the authors Mrs. Lincoln had given her that had a publication date that year, so she hoped it was something LaTesha had not read. Then she bought some Starbucks instant, along with creamer and non-sugar sweetener, which she remembered LaTesha had liked, and some nutrition bars, with chocolate, which she also remembered LaTesha liking. Chapter 15. MARCH, VISITING LATESHA, GETTING SICK, MEETING JESSE, VISITING BRIAN, ENCOUNTER WITH REX, THIRD GED TEST On Saturday Morning, Mom took the SUV since it had more room, and they were on the road by 8:05 AM. Mary was a little fussy. Somehow, she knew something was different. As they got close to Mrs. Lincoln's home, her mom got a little concerned. She said, Erin, this is the CD. Are you sure of the address? Erin said, "Sure mom. I guess LaTesha's parents are even less well off than we are. But they are very nice and support their kids. It will be OK." Mom continued on the directions Erin's phone was giving them. As she pulled into the driveway, she was visibly nervous. "Erin, are you sure?" Erin, "It's OK mom, I'll go get her. So, she and Mary got out and walked to the door and knocked gently. A black man opened the door, who Erin assumed was LaTesha's father, and said "Are you Erin? Thank you so much for taking my wife to see LaTesha. She's been beside herself not being able to visit. She'll be down in a minute. I heard you spent some time rooming with LaTesha at detox in October?" Erin, "Yes. My name is Erin McLoughlin. I somehow wound up addicted on Percocet's in high school, and my parents sent me there to detox. I was lucky to room with LaTesha. She was so upbeat and positive and determined to make good." Mr. Lincoln laughed, "That's what she said about you too. I somehow assumed that they would see that and give her a break, but no. I guess all they saw was a young black crack whore, or something. Her good grades in school, not having a previous record, and all the good writeups from her teachers, those didn't mean anything. If she had been over 21, I'm sure she'd have been in jail for 20 years." Mrs. Lincoln then came to the door. She saw a tall blonde girl carrying a baby. But this girl was different than what LaTesha told her mom to expect. Instead of being heavyset, with shadows around her eyes, this girl was, if not slender, at least HWP and very attractive. She had her hair up and a smattering of makeup on. Instead of being depressed and reserved, she had a ready smile and was very friendly. Mrs. Lincoln had been afraid that while they traveled she would have to listen to a litany of complaints about the injustices that had been visited on some white girl who should have been able to do well without really trying. But now she didn't have that impression at all. The girl introduced herself as Erin McLoughlin and introduced the baby as Mary. Mrs. Lincoln introduced herself and picked up the bag of stuff she was bringing LaTesha and said, "We better get going," kissed her husband, and they were off. When they got to the car, Erin said, "I'll sit in the backseat, you take the front. It will help to have someone who knows where they are going sitting next to the driver." Erin opened the front door and introduced her mother as "Also Mary McLoughlin." Mrs. Lincoln introduced herself as "Carol Lincoln" and climbed in. She was not a very big person, so it was a bit of an effort. Erin's mom was uncertain about being around a black person but was naturally friendly and said "Hi. I'm Erin's mom. Its' a long drive. If you need to stop for any reason, just tell me and I will stop. How are you today?" Carol, "I'm good. I'm happy to be getting a chance to visit LaTesha. It's been two months. And she is stuck at the horrible place." Mary McLoughlin could certainly empathize with that. What would it be like with Erin in prison? She knew that it could have easily happened. The two older women turned to have a lot in common. They both had worked in offices related to construction, both had married men who were good fathers, both went to church regularly, both dearly loved their children and could talk about them all day, but both were polite and willing to share bragging time, and both had a daughter who got involved in a relationship with a drug dealer. As the trip went along, they began bonding as friends. Mary learned that the company Carol had worked for had gone bankrupt in the recent downturn in the economy and that she had been unable to find other work. Since they were sending money to a son at Princeton, Carol's family was struggling financially. Mary thought in talking with Carol that she could contribute at Petersons. She said, "Carol, there is an entry level clerk position where I work that you could apply for. It's probably not as much as you made before, but it's a foot in the door." Carol, "Does your firm employ any black people?" Her mom said, "No, but I know my boss and he is very fair." Carol, "I don't know. I don't want to get my hopes up. I've applied at so many places where I think I ought to be qualified, and never heard back. It's discouraging." Mary, "I certainly cannot guarantee you a job if you apply. But if they dismiss your application or give someone else more consideration just because you are black, I can raise hell and be listened to." Carol, "Well, let me think about it." They arrived at the prison at 10:30. Carol knew the ropes and directed them to parking. She said to leave any cell phones, tablets, or the like in the car. Then she led them to where they would check in. It was a large, non-descript two-level building with a turret of some sort on the top level. Carol said they had two armed guards there in case of trouble in the area surrounding the building. The guards on the second floor could also cover a number of other areas of the prison yard. The check-in area was facing the public area. Three officers were behind what Carol said was bullet-proof glass. Carol talked to the guard at the window and then he checked their ID's, brought all the names up on a computer screen that Carol said checked them for current warrants and complaints. He lingered a little while at his computer screen and looked at Erin a few times, but finally cleared them. Then he told the three visiters that LaTesha would be notified that they were here. If she wanted to see them, then they would be admitted to the visiting area. The guards had been professional, but Erin somehow had the impression that the guards were looking down on Mom, Erin, and Carol for having the temerity to be related or friends with a convict. The only one the guards had any trace of a smile for was Mary. Well, at least they were human. About 15 minutes later, they were still standing there. Another group had come up and were checking in, but other than that nothing was happening. Erin asked Carol if this was normal, and she said "Yes, they take their sweet time." Finally, the guard called out "Carol Lincoln and party, you can enter the visiting area." So, they all got up and went in the door. They had to go through a metal detector, and all bags were emptied and searched thoroughly. Then they went through a hallway into a large room with many 6-ft diameter tables with chairs. At one of them sat LaTesha, in an orange jump suit, looking sort of lost. But when she saw her mother, she jumped up and waved with a big smile on her face. (They had been told that the prisoners had to stay where they had been placed and that visitors could not run or shout.) When Carol got to LaTesha, the two hugged for a full minute, and Erin could see they were both crying. Finally, they separated, and LaTesha gave Erin a hug too, and said "God, let me look at you girl. You look so good. You've changed a lot. And I don't just mean your baby bump." And then she laughed, and Erin laughed with her. Then LaTesha said, "This must be Mary. How cute. Can I hold her?" Erin handed Mary to LaTesha, who held her on her hip. Mary sensed everything was OK, and just looked around and took it all in. Erin was glad Mary was such a happy baby. LaTesha said, "How old is she. Six months. She's a big girl." Then she asked her mother if she brought any pictures of her and her father and her brother. Her mother expected the request and gave her a packet. LaTesha sat down, held Mary with one hand and went carefully through the packet, with her mom volunteering information and LaTesha asking questions here and there. When LaTesha looked up, Erin said, "Um LaTesha, this is my mom, also Mary." LaTesha said, "Sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. How are you, Mrs. McLoughlin? You must be the driver today. Thank you for bringing my mother and Erin down. Thank You. It means so much to me." Erin's mom said, "You're welcome LaTesha. I've enjoyed the drive." Erin's mom was frankly surprised at how devoted to her friends and family LaTesha was, and also how polite and how frankly sweet she was. When Erin was in her difficult phase, she would never have acted this nicely, even to visitors who were doing her a favor. They chatted like old friends for the two hours of the visit. Erin had to excuse herself to go to the lounge in the women's bathroom for 20 minutes because Mary needed to nurse, and that wasn't allowed in the visiting area. But other three continued talking. When she came out LaTesha said, "Erin, your mom was telling me about all you've been up to the last three months. That Engineering Report. And your grades in the GED tests. That's really great. Now I know who to come to for help with math if my brother's not available." Erin laughed, "LaTesha, you were a straight A student in high school. It should be a piece of cake for you. But a GED is something we both need to do to start our new lives. Otherwise, it's crappy jobs forever." Erin's mom said, "Erin, watch your language. But you're right." The two-hour visiting window came to an end sooner than expected and they had to leave. LaTesha hugged everyone in turn and had tears in her eyes. She said, "Thanks Erin, for putting this together. And thanks for bringing my mom. I really enjoyed the visit." Erin, "Sorry it took so long to get my act together. I will tentatively come up every couple of weeks if I can arrange a ride. God, LaTesha, I hate to leave you here." Then she handed LaTesha the bag containing her gifts and said, "I almost forgot." LaTesha said thank you and then spent a minute with her mother and they had to leave. Carol said that if they didn't have a lot of visitors, the guards would have let them stay longer. But Saturday was really busy, so they had to stick to the two hours. As they left, they were all feeling down. Erin and Carol had tears in their eyes. But this was the way it was, and they had to adapt. Erin treated everyone to lunch on the way home. They stopped at a chain caf? and Erin had a cup of chicken noodle soup and a half BLT sandwich. When Erin started to leave a portion of the sandwich and some of the soup uneaten, Erin's mom said, "Erin, remember you promised the OB/GYN that you would eat more. You didn't order that much. You should finish it." Erin gave the rest of her sandwich a look and said, "OK, Mom. I'm really not hungry. But you're right," And took another little bite. Carol, "Why is it important that she eat more?" Erin, "My eating habits have changed, and I have lost a lot of weight since detox. Now my OB/GYN is concerned because I have been losing more weight, even though I am pregnant." Carol, "Well, you need to listen to your Doctor. He knows what you need to do. He's had a lot of training." Erin, "I see I'm outnumbered here. I will do what the Doctor says. By the way the Doctor is a woman." Erin slowly managed to finish eating everything she ordered, but she felt very bloated. About a half hour later, Erin knew she was going to have a problem and asked her mom to stop at a bathroom. The next bathroom was at a small park along the road. Mom stopped, and Erin handed Mary to her and ran to the bathroom. The women's room was in use and locked, but fortunately the men's wasn't. She rushed in, locked the door behind her, bent over the toilet, held her hair behind her as best she could, and hurled. She was lucky that she only got a couple of spots on her coat, and none in her hair. She carefully washed those off using a paper towel and some cold water. Then Erin looked around herself. The place was dirty, and it stank. There was urine sprayed in a familiar pattern around the urinal and wadded up paper towels were scattered around the garbage can. Apparently, despite their vaunted athletic ability, some men were unable to either hit the toilet or the garbage can. She hadn't seen the inside of a men's room in almost 4 months and decided she didn't miss it one bit. There were advantages to her change beyond just becoming a mother. As Erin left, a guy was standing by the door impatiently and gave her a glare. She told him "I'm sorry." When she got back to the car, her mother asked if she was all right, and Erin said "I feel much better now. Thank you." Carol asked if she had been feeling badly, and Erin said "No. Maybe it's morning sickness. In the afternoon. Whatever, I feel OK now." Her mom asked, "Has this happened before?" Erin, "A couple of times in the last two weeks. It comes on after a big meal and goes away after I eliminate." Mom, "A cup of soup and a half sandwich is hardly a big meal Erin. We should talk to the OB/GYN?" Erin, "I would prefer to try changing and eating less food more often and see how it goes. I don't want to put Debbie out by having to miss childcare again if I can help it." Mom, "Erin, you have to take this seriously. You have two babies depending on it." Erin, "I agree mom, but I don't feel that hanging on until our next OB/GYN appointment will hurt. I think it's OK." Then Carol spoke up in support of Mom, "Erin, if you don't want to hear from me just tell me, but your mother has your best interests at heart. It would be good if you would work with her." Erin felt really outnumbered now, but realized she was getting advice from two people who had a combination of almost 100 years of life experience, and that she would be a fool to ignore it. So, she said "OK Mrs. Lincoln, Maybe you're both right. But maybe we can find an appointment time that is after work or on Saturday, so Debbie doesn't have to miss school time." Her mother said she would try. When they dropped her off, Mrs. Lincoln was as happy as she had been in a while. She had gotten to see her daughter. And she had enjoyed talking to Erin and her mother. Despite Erin's impulsiveness, she was a really nice girl and so determined to make a good life for herself and her children. Now Carol saw why LaTesha and Erin had gotten along so well in detox. The Bobsi twins indeed. And Carol felt she had established a real bond with Erin's mother. Carol had been worried that Erin and her mom would be either obsequious and self-hating like so many liberal whites, or overbearing and arrogant, like conservative whites, but Erin and her mom were neither and seemed be happy to relate to her as just another person. For their part, Erin and her mom had enjoyed the trip too and had learned a lot. They saw that the problems Carol and LaTesha were having were not because they were foolish or irresponsible, because they were neither. Erin's mom recognized someone very like herself in Carol, a decent, hard-working woman who loved her children. And she had learned that LaTesha had been a much better person and student than Erin in high school, and yet LaTesha was in jail and Carol was unemployed, while Erin and her mom were generally doing all right. Certainly, luck had a lot to do with that. Had Rex been caught dealing, Erin would have gone down with him. But would the prosecutor have been as diligent making sure Erin served time as they had with LaTesha? Maybe, after all the old Erin was not very ingratiating. LaTesha had always been really sweet and did not generally engender desires for retribution. But she was serving time nonetheless. And Erin's mom had been lucky that Pederson's had weathered the recession, while Carol's old firm had not. But were LaTesha and Carol's misfortune just bad luck? Or did race have something to do with it? Erin and her mom talked and agreed that misconceptions could have contributed to Carol's situation, the misconception that LaTesha, because she was black was probably doing something wrong even if it couldn't be proven, and that Carol somehow was less capable than a white woman doing the same job, so she was less employable in white owned firms. Erin's mom now believed both misconceptions were wrong, at least in Carol and LaTesha's case, and that society had not been fair to Carol and LaTesha and other black people like them. The next Friday, Erin had her first tattoo removal treatment. Debbie was supposed to be home by 3 but didn't show up until 3:15. Debbie apologized but said she just couldn't get away sooner. Erin took some time to tell her what she and Jeremy had done today. Erin and her mom got going at 3:30. Erin had brought 6 cold compresses to Debbie's that morning, two for each tattoo. She had stored them in Debbie's freezer during the day. Erin had also brought with her some Tylenol, which she had planned to take as she arrived at the Doctor's at 3:30 but wound up taking as they left Debbie's. Erin also had a bottle of formula heated up to a little above the proper temperature in case Mary decided she needed to nurse while Erin was undergoing treatment. They got to the Doctor's office at 3:45, just 15 minutes before the procedure was supposed to be done and 15 minutes after they had been requested to arrive. Fortunately, the Doctor was running a little late, so it was OK. Erin and her mom came into the Doctor's office and Erin handed Mary to mom, wrote a check for $300 to the secretary in the office, and then was rushed into the treatment room. The nurse had Erin sign a release, which acknowledged the normal risks and also acknowledged that she had been counseled about possible complications given her pregnancy. Then the nurse gave Erin the same instructions the Doctor had given her on her initial visit. At the same time, Erin got out three of the frozen compacts and sat on one where her bottom was tattooed and secured the other two on her arms where her tattoos were. After 15 minutes 'on ice,' a topical anesthetic was spread on the tattoos. The nurse didn't wipe it off until the Doctor sent another nurse in to say he was ready to do the procedures. The procedures themselves just consisted of carefully shining the laser on the tattoos for a prescribed amount of time. Erin understood that the secret was in the type of laser. The Doctor started with her arms and went one at a time. It took about 20 minutes per arm since the tattoos were large. Then the Doctor had her roll over on her side, not particularly comfortable since her arms both ached by that time. Erin could have laid on her stomach, but that would not have been comfortable either since she was pregnant. After another 15 minutes, the Doctor was done. He repeated the instructions on care, keep the area covered use topical sunburn cream with a pain reliever and antibiotic, use cold compresses every two hours, Tylenol for pain. He also said not to expect much fading for a week. Then the nurse put on some more topical anesthetic, waited 5 minutes and gently dabbed it off and applied an OTC sunburn cream and put on wrap bandages on the arms and a big patch on her bun, said she should use the cold compresses on the way home. Erin said Aleve worked better for pain for her, was that OK? The nurse said sure. Then Erin went back to the office, which by now was partly closed with the receptionist/secretary and nurse-attendants gone home. As soon as Erin appeared, Mary started fussing, wanting Erin to hold her, and maybe wanting to nurse. Erin thought about it and said to herself, "What the hell. Mary is more important than a little discomfort," and took Mary from her mother. Erin felt like she had a major sunburn on the parts of her body that had been treated and was unable to find a position in the car where she was comfortable. Nevertheless, she buckled in and gave Mary access to her breast, so she could nurse. By the time she got home, the discomfort had alleviated somewhat, but increased again as she picked up Mary who then shifted position in her arms and scraped them a little. That was an extremely difficult weekend. Erin had to sleep on her left side, that being the least uncomfortable position. That had her facing away from Mary's bassinette, which bothered Mary and bothered Erin. So, Erin finally got up and put Mary on the bed in front of her. Even then she had enough pain and discomfort to keep her awake most of the night, although Mary was happier. Erin was not only physically uncomfortable the next day, she was also tired because of the effect of the pain on her sleep. So, she moved with care and thus took longer to do everything. She spent several hours on Saturday helping her mother with the house but got much less done then she expected. She also spent several hours just playing with Mary but could feel she was less animated with her daughter. On the other hand, Mary seemed happy to have her time. When she got Mary down for her naps, she struggled to make any headway studying for her GED English Exam. Although she managed an hour and a half, she read only a few pages. And her conversations with her family were distracted at best. Finally, at 5, her mother told her "Erin, I'll take Mary for a couple of hours, and you take a nap. As Erin padded upstairs, she reflected how grateful she was. By the time Erin woke up it was 7 and she felt better. She went downstairs and found her family had had dinner. She took Mary and sat with her and let her nurse. Then she took her upstairs and got her cleaned up and put on her double diaper for bed and laid with her until she went to sleep. Then Erin got up and came downstairs and took out her GED study material, intending to read for a while. Her mother caught her and said "Oh no you don't. I saved you some dinner and you need to eat something. I won't try to get you to eat a lot, but something. By the way we have an appointment with the OB/GYN on Tuesday to ask about this eating problem. Tell Debbie that you have to be free at 3:30 if you work that day." Erin just said "OK. Thanks Mom." As Erin had a little to eat, her mom sat and talked with her. Mom told her a little about what was going on at work and Erin told her about what was going on with Debbie and Jeremy. Erin told mom that Debbie was not getting the same support from her mother that Erin was, and that Debbie was feeling unwelcome and was talking about marrying Jeremy's father and both leaving school and getting a job and an apartment. Erin's mom thought that was a terrible idea, even if Debbie felt a little uncomfortable at home. For the sake of her future she needed to tolerate it and stay in school and let her boyfriend stay in school. Erin said "Mom, I agree. I have been advising Debbie not to give up, but to do everything she can to make her mother happy, working around the house, spending time with her mother and talking with her to try to reestablish a good relationship." Her mother smiled and said, "In other words, she should butter her mother up, like you've been buttering me up the last few months." Erin, "Mom, I have not. I like helping you with the house and talking to you. I really do. And I am so grateful for all the help and support you have given me." Mom, "Erin, I don't believe for one minute that you like working around the house. But I am happy that you are willing to do it and to spend time with me. That is so much more mature a response to tension between us than you used when you were in high school. In fact, I like being buttered up. And I think Debbie's mom would too. I'm agreeing with you." Erin, "Thanks, mom. I think I have Debbie convinced that she needs to do her part to make their relationship work. That things will get better. That her mom still loves her and cares for her, even if she doesn't always show it." Then they talked about LaTesha and her mother, and how Erin's tattoo areas were feeling, about whether Erin had had more intestinal problems (she had.) By the time they finished talking it was 9 O'clock. Erin felt much better just having had the chance to be with someone who loved her, and she hoped her mother felt the same. Then she spent an hour working on her GED. Even though she was still uncomfortable, she was able to be much more productive in reading the study material than earlier. The next morning, Erin's mother gave her the option of skipping church and just relaxing at home, but Erin said, "Thanks mom, but I'm uncomfortable either way and it is better to get out and do something. That provides a distraction. Plus, the world doesn't stop because someone is uncomfortable. I need to suck it up and get going." So, Erin did her usual Sunday morning routine except she was careful to clean her tattooed areas, put on topical pain killer and anesthetic, and rewrap them. Erin tried not to focus on how much her arms and backside hurt and make the time she spent with Mary and her family pleasant and fun. She didn't totally succeed, but things were much better than Saturday. At church, as usual, she was consigned to the nursery with Debbie, listening to the moralizing sermon on speakers. That was fine with her. She and Debbie drowned out the sermon with talk. Erin didn't realize she was sitting a little crooked with her weight on her left bun. Debbie finally asked her what was going on. Erin reddened and told her about the tattoo on her right bun. She concluded with "God, I can't believe I let Rex do anything that stupid." Debbie, "Oh, did he do it?" Erin realized that she had just been assuming that since the tattoo displayed gross ignorance that it was Rex's work, but she really didn't know. But Rex did do tattoos. Brian had told her that the arm tattoos were done by a friend, but Erin could not remember the name, but he had not said who had done the bun tattoo. Erin decided it was best to avoid a discussing the origin of the tattoos, so she just nodded in noncommittal fashion. If she ever talked to Brian again she would have to get a complete story of their background, as the tattoos were likely to be a topic of conversation in the future. Erin mentioned that she had a Doctor Appointment with her OB/GYN on Tuesday, so if Debbie needed her that day, she would have to be able to leave by 3:30. Debbie said "OK, but I hope that mom can care for Jeremy that day, so I can stay at school a while." Erin then asked, "How are things going with you and your mother?" Debbie, "Fine, I guess. But everything in the world seems to be more important than me and Jeremy. Her garden group. Her political group. Her bible study group. Her animal welfare group. It's endless. Erin, I've tried doing what you suggested, but she won't even sit still to talk to me. I know it's a little thing, but I do feel hurt." Erin, "Keep trying. It's only been a few days. How about talking about what she seems to be interested in? Then slip in news of Jeremy and ask her advice. Put a 'Love' card in her jacket every few days. If there is something that she really needs help with, just jump in a do it. If that doesn't work, come right out and tell her how you feel and ask her how she feels. I'm convinced she cares for you, whatever hate that idiot pastor is trying to instill in her." Erin and her parents, as usual, went out to breakfast after church. When Erin got home she cleaned Mary up and double diapered her and laid down with her for a few minutes while she got to sleep. Then Erin got up and went downstairs and called Clara to talk. They had a nice conversation. Clara told her the other bridesmaids would all be in town the fourth weekend in April, so could Erin keep that date open. Erin dutifully entered the date in her cell phone planner. Then Erin told Clara about the tattoo removal and how sore she was. Clara remarked, "Wow, I'm a little surprised. Most dermatologists won't do tattoo removal during pregnancy." That comment gave Erin cold chills. She remembered she had signed the release for that without thinking about it, just assuming the release was a risk minimization thing. The thought that she might have endangered her babies horrified her. She asked, "Do you know why, Clara?" Clara, "No. I guess not." Erin knew she had to look up the risks and issues on the internet, and if they were at all significant she would delay more tattoo removal until after her pregnancy. The next Tuesday, Debbie told Erin her mother had an unexpected need to be away and asked Erin to care for Jeremy. Erin said OK, but she absolutely had to leave by 3:30 as she had an appointment with her OB/GYN. Debbie unfortunately could not be home until 3:45, so Erin and her mom wound up rushing to make the appointment at 4 PM. The OB noted that this appointment was earlier in the month than they had agreed on and asked why. Erin said she had had some small problems with her digestion and had sometimes thrown up after big meals. She expected that this was part of being pregnant and probably was just morning sickness in the afternoon, but her mother was concerned. Her OB said that was possibly related to morning sickness, but her Erin's weight did give reason to be concerned. She said Erin had lost another 5 pounds in the last couple of weeks, which is not normal. Then she asked some other specific questions of Erin. Besides vomiting did Erin have any other signs of intestinal destress, i.e., pain, diarrhea, excessive urination. Erin said sure, but she thought that was part of being pregnant. The doctor asked specifically which of the signs Erin had and Erin replied that she had all of them. At this point the Doctor asked the nurse to contact the hospital and have Erin admitted and seen by Dr Mansion, a gastroenterologist. She explained that Dr Mansion was knowledgeable about how pregnancy affects the GI tract and about how GI procedures affected pregnant women. She said that after the examination and a thorough blood workup she would confer with Dr Mansion. They might do a colonoscopy with a colon biopsy, and an esophageal biopsy, but only if Dr. Mansion and she decided it was safe for her baby. Erin, who had expected another lecture on eating habits and self-care, objected that she was supposed to work tomorrow, and that Debbie depended on her. The doctor said, "look Erin, these symptoms are serious for a pregnant woman, particularly when accompanied by rapid weight loss. And you don't look at all well. You look tired and your skin indicates you are dehydrated. It is very possible that something serious is going on with you. You could easily loose these babies. It's nice that you are concerned for your friend, but for now you need to worry about you and your unborn babies." Then she turned to Erin's mom. "Mrs. McLoughlin, can you take Erin to the hospital or shall I call an ambulance?" Mom said, "Don't worry, I will get her to the hospital." They left the Doctor's Office after picking up some paperwork at the front desk. Erin asked to stop by the house to pick up some things, but her mother said "No way, you need to be in the hospital and we are going there right now. I will bring anything you need to you. God Erin, why didn't you tell me about the other things going on?" Erin responded, "Gee mom, I just thought that with the additional weight on my intestines and chemical stuff from being pregnant that those things were expected." Mom, "Erin, you didn't have any of those things the first time you were pregnant. Those days you whined about everything, but you never said anything about intestinal discomfort until the last month. Why would you assume that this time intestinal discomfort in the first trimester was normal? God, how could you be so irresponsible, Erin?" Erin of course did not remember her first pregnancy. And she was now totally terrified that she had done something foolish that might result in her losing her babies. She felt trapped and stupid and just burst into tears. All she could say was "I'm sorry mom. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Even Mary knew something was wrong and started crying. When they got to the hospital, mom helped her out of the car and held her and Mary for a few minutes while Erin composed herself. Then they went into admittance and filled out the necessary paperwork and an orderly brought Erin up to her assigned room and got her a gown and let her change herself and put her in a bed. A few minutes later, a nurse came in and started an IV and hooked her up to several monitors. Erin asked what they were, and the nurse said that for now the IV was basically just sterile water for now and they had monitors on Erin's heart rate and the fetal heart rates. Erin was very dehydrated and needed the fluid. Erin asked her mother for Mary and then held the infant close. A while later, Mary wanted to breastfeed, and Erin moved the gown aside to let her do so. Before Mary could finish the nurse came in to draw some blood, but when she saw that Mary was breastfeeding the nurse said she would be back in a few minutes. A few minutes later the nurse came back and drew blood and told Erin she was scheduled for an examination by Dr Mansion in the morning. All this time her mom had been sitting there, offering support when Erin needed it, and holding Mary when needed. Erin was aware of her love and said, "Thanks Mom." Her mom said, "What for?" Erin said, "For caring. I love you mom. I'm sorry I was irresponsible. I promise I'll be better. Forgive me please." Mom, "Oh Erin, of course I forgive you for any small mistake you make. I'm sorry I said you were irresponsible. You're very responsible, much more responsible than before. I am just so afraid of losing my grandbabies." Erin said, "Me too." And mom came over to the bed and hugged her and Mary. A few minutes later a nurse came in and told her that the Doctor wanted to do an Esophagogastroduodenoscopy in the morning. She explained that the Dr would put a scope down her throat and observe the lining of her esophagus, stomach, and the near part of her small intestine. But the doctor needed her and her mother to sign forms approving the procedure. Erin asked "I'm pregnant. Is this safe for the fetus." The nurse said, "Nothing is totally safe, but this is very safe. You will get a mild sedative which is safe for the fetus. And your OB will be in attendance, so she will know what is safe or not." Then, Erin and her Mom signed the forms. The nurse then said she would not be able to eat or drink anything except water until after the procedure. That was OK with Erin. She had gotten to be uncomfortable with any more that a small amount of food in her stomach. Mom and Mary stayed for another couple of hours. But eventually they had to leave so Mom could get Mary taken care of and to bed. Erin gave her a series of instructions, and mom listened to them and wrote them down. But Erin knew her mother knew a lot about taking care of children and suspected mom was just humoring her. When they left Erin had the entire evening to kill. She spent most of the time using the internet to study, sipping a little water now and then. At about 10, a nurse asked her if she wanted a sleeping pill. Erin said, "Maybe not, I'm pregnant." The nurse said she could find something that would be OK for pregnant women, and brought something in a few minutes, which Erin gratefully swallowed. At about midnight, she finally went to sleep. The next morning at 7 AM she was woken up and taken to another room for the procedure. Her OB said good morning, and then she was positioned on a table with all kinds of scopes around and her IV was connected to another system, which she was told contained the sedative. Finally, they asked her to count to 100. She got to 7 and blanked out. When Erin awoke, she was aware she had been unconscious, and that they had done the procedure, but she was not aware of any other detail. She drifted off but awoke again as they were transporting her back to her room. The nurse said the Doctor would be in to talk to her about the results later in the morning. The nurse asked if Erin wanted some food. Erin said a little. Erin went back to sleep, awakening about an hour later with a tray of yogurt and fruit and jello beside her bed. Her mother was also sitting there. 'Hi Mom," she said. Her mom hugged her and urged her to eat something. Then she asked Erin "I'm sorry I wasn't here for the procedure. I took Mary over to Infant Care. What did the Dr. Find?" Erin, "I don't know mom. I was asleep during and after. I think he is supposed to come in soon and tell me. I was hoping to see Mary. I guess you couldn't bring her because you have to do to work today." Mom, "Sorry Honey. I do have to go to work. I'll leave soon after the Dr. talks to us." Erin took a few bites of breakfast, but really wasn't hungry. Of course, her mother wanted her to eat more. Finally, Erin said, "Mom, please don't keep nagging. That is all I can eat now. My stomach is starting to hurt. Maybe I'll eat more later." Mom, "Erin, I'm not nagging." Then realized that was exactly what she was doing and continued, "Sorry Erin, it's just that you look so skinny. You haven't looked this skinny since you were 10. I'm just so worried about you and your babies." Erin, "Mom, I understand. But I just can't eat any more. Let's just see what the Doctor says. Maybe he will have some advice." So, they waited and chatted about trivial matters, and the Dr. came in about ? hour later. The GI Doctor started by asking how Erin felt, and what had been going on for her recently. Of course, he had a history that the nurse had taken as part of the admittance procedure but wanted to hear the patient tell her story for herself. Finally, the Doctor said that there was a lot to be concerned about. He said it sounded like Erin was getting little or no nutrition from her diet and that most of the energy she was using was coming from her fat stores, which now were almost all used up. He said the blood draw had shown she was not diabetic, which eliminated one thing that might have caused her problem. The blood tests did indicate that she had high levels of indicators of inflammation in her blood. This could indicate either extensive food allergies or colitis or Crohn's Disease. Ordinarily, he would do a colonoscopy to determine Crohn's disease or colitis but didn't want to do that procedure since there was some risk to the fetus. But if they couldn't get a handle on the problem any other way, they might eventually have to do a colonoscopy. A colonoscopy might be a little risky to the fetus, but Erin starving to death was really risky. This morning's endoscopy did not show any particular problems, but a biopsy of the esophagus and small intestine was in process. One option was to provide treatment for colitis and see if Erin improved. The concern with this is that the drugs for treating colitis are slightly risky for the fetus. So, assuming that this morning's biopsy did not show any particular problems, the first thing they would do was proceed on the assumption that Erin had a food allergy and try to identify that. If they couldn't find anything, then they would try the colitis drug and see how Erin reacted. The Doctor asked if Erin was onboard with this plan. Erin said "Sure, it seems like a careful approach that minimizes risk to my twins. The Doctor said, "Twins? OK, first I will have a dietician interview you in depth. She will be looking for food habits and specifically as much as you can remember about what you have eaten for the last week and how you reacted. She will also give you a food diary. You need to log everything you eat or drink other than water and how you react. Then she will review it to identify candidate allergens. Later today we will do a skin test for any of the candidate allergens plus the most frequent allergens encountered. If nothing shows up, we will put you on a diet that tests your reaction to a number of things. Is that OK?" Erin just nodded, sobered by the thought of eating what sounded like a lot. She asked, "How long will I be in the hospital?" The Doctor said, "It will depend on what we find in the biopsies and the food interview and any skin tests we do. The earliest you could go home would be tomorrow." Then Erin's mother said, "Doctor, Erin ate almost nothing this morning because her stomach hurts when she eats. Is she endangering the fetuses. Should you be treating her a little more aggressively, so she can at least eat something? Then the Doctor said, "I think the fetuses are OK for a short time. If this goes on for more than a week, we will start treatment with a medication which is a little risky for the fetuses, but which should allow Erin's insides to feel well enough to eat more. This could wind up being a big balancing act until the twins are born." After the Doctor left, Erin's mom gave her a hug and got up to leave to go to work. Erin said, "Mom, can you bring Mary over for a while tonight. I know you are busy, but I need to see my baby. Please." Mom teared up and said, "Oh of course I will honey. You're such a good mother. I love you." Erin, "I love you too mom." An hour later a dietician came in and did an excruciatingly thorough interview about food. She started with questions about what food Erin liked, what she usually ate, what she had eaten the last week. Then she went backward and asked Erin when she had bad reactions, which was almost every day, and what she had eaten just before that. Finally, she thanked Erin and said she would analyze this and identify candidate allergens and report them to the doctor for skin tests this afternoon. Then she gave Erin the food diary the Doctor had promised and went over it thoroughly. She told Erin to log every reaction she could. She also encouraged her to eat enough that they got some information about how she reacted. She said she knew the temptation was to just not eat, but that did not help them understand what was going on with Erin's digestive system. Then Erin took out her tablet, logged into the hospital WIFI, and spent an hour doing a practice test for the English GED. She was interrupted by the nurse bringing lunch. The nurse said that at 1:30 the dietitian would be in to do some skin tests, so she should eat what she could. Erin noted the time and put the tablet down and ate some lunch. She had managed to keep breakfast down, but she knew that was because she ate very little. She tried to eat a little more lunch, but her stomach started aching again, and she started feeling bloated, which she knew could lead to losing what she had eaten so far, so she put her lunch aside. She agreed that the allergy testing was worthwhile, but really didn't see any way that she could be so allergic to a little jello, consume and fruit to cause her reaction to the lunch. Blech!! Then she got the food diary and filled it out. She filled a half a page with details of lunch. 'Much ado about nothing,' she thought. After lunch and filling out the food log, Erin went back to her practice GED test and finished it before the Dietician came. She noted that she was done 30 minutes before the time limit. She looked at the grade for the multiple-choice sections of the test on English grammar and reading comprehension and had done very well, getting 95% right. However, there were two writing assignments that were 80% of the test, so if she totally blew those, she could still fail. But she didn't feel she had blown them. There was an option to get the writing sections graded, but it would cost $25. Erin decided it was worth it, but she didn't have her wallet with credit cards with her, so it would have to wait. She texted her mom to please bring it when she visited this evening. Erin logged out of the site and decided to turn on TV. However, at that point some orderlies wheeled a new roommate in. Erin decided she would rather be sociable than watch TV, so she and the new roommate talked for a while. The woman was about 40 and had three children at home. Somehow a few years ago she had injured her knee and then had gained a lot of weight, which made it hard to get around. This morning she had stopped at a store on the way to work and her knee had buckled, and she had fallen in the parking lot right beside her car, with her purse and phone still in the car. She couldn't get up and just laid there for an hour in the cold until someone heard her cries for help. Erin's heart went out to her. What a situation to be in. An ambulance had been called and she had been taken to the emergency room. The nurse had stabilized her knee and given her an anesthetic and said the Orthopedics Doctor would see her as soon as possible. Now she was just waiting. After they talked for about 20 minutes, the dietician came in with a nurse and they rolled the privacy curtain around her bed, and Erin pulled down her gown and bared her back as instructed, and they did the scratch test. There was no pain, as the scratches were very light. Then they said they would be back in ? hour to read the scratches. In the meantime, they laid Erin on her side so the scratches would not be disturbed. As she was laying there, her roommate's husband came in and sat with her. Erin could hear them talk and felt like she was intruding. But she couldn't do anything but lay there. The woman's husband was very concerned for her and tried to comfort her, but she was understandably upset. "At least her husband seems like a nice guy, which means the world at a time like this" thought Erin. Finally, the woman calmed down, but was now concerned about finances. Neither of their jobs gave them health care so they didn't know how they were going to pay for the hospital. And if the woman couldn't work they would really struggle. Erin knew from past discussions with Brian's mom that there were several ways that the government and the hospital could pick up the cost of medical care in these situations and decided to mention it to the woman when she could. It was nearly an hour before the nurse and Dietician got back to read the reactions to the various candidate allergens. The dietician told Erin, "Well, you have no reactions at all to any of the allergens. Nada. None. Not to peanuts, not to bread, not to shellfish. That's unusual. Most people react to something on the test. Even if it turns out to be a false positive. But you have no reaction at all. Well, on to plan B, whatever that is. The Doctor will be in later this afternoon." The doctor showed up at 3 PM. He came in and said "Well, Erin, it doesn't look like a food allergy. I cannot be sure, but you reacted to none of the possible allergens and Breakfast and Lunch today were designed to be free of any common allergens, no peanuts, no bread, nothing like that, and you still had pain after eating a small amount. I think the best thing to do is to assume this is colitis or Crohn's and give you the simplest medication indicated for those diseases and try to see if we can get the symptoms under control with the minimum amount of the drugs as we can. I have talked to your OB/GYN and she concurs. What do you think?" Erin asked, "What are the risks to the twins?" The Gastroenterologist said, "The drug I am recommending is budeniside. It is a class C drug when taken orally during pregnancy. That means that they cannot rule out an effect on the fetuses, but there is no evidence of harm to pregnant women who have taken the drugs. I want to emphasize that you need to provide more nourishment for the twins. What you are providing now is marginal and will quickly become inadequate as your fat stores are exhausted. So, we need to figure out what is going on and quickly. I believe it is riskier to do nothing than to try a drug which has not shown to harm pregnant women in the past. I am proposing that we give you a small dose, and continue to monitor the fetal heart rates, and if we see any problems at all, discontinue the drug. If the drug does not do any good, we will consider something else. If it does do good and doesn't seem to be harming the fetuses, we will continue a minimal dosage and see if we can get this problem into remission. What do you think?" Erin, "OK, I will trust your judgement, Doctor. But we need to be cautious. I don't want my babies harmed. They're more important than me." The Doctor said, "Well at the current time, you are critical to the babies and so we are not choosing between your health and the babies, we need to get you well for their sake as well as your own." Erin, "Yes. Of course." A half an hour later the nurse came in with a small orange capsule and some water and Erin took it. The nurse said, "Nothing but water for the next four hours, Erin." Erin once again responded "OK." Then she went back to work studying for the English GED. At this rate, she would be ready earlier than she planned. It was a little distracting having a roommate with visitors. But at about 3 the husband left to pick up the woman's kids at school. For the next ? hour Erin could really focus. Then she heard a loud whiny female voice outside the door. "But I want to go to the mall with my friends this afternoon," with a response in a male voice, "I don't care, Jesse, your mother is badly hurt and had an awful experience this morning and she needs you to visit." The other voice responded, "I can't help it if is she is so fat she can't stand up." Then the other voice said, "Stop it, Jesse. Your mother does a lot for you and deserves your respect." Then the husband came into the room followed by a sulking, teenage girl made up as a Goth. In spite of her comments, she was pretty heavy herself. There were also two younger children who immediately ran to her roommate and hugged her and started asking her questions. The Goth girl stayed as far away from the woman as she could. "God," thought Erin, "What could her roommate have possibly done that made this teenage girl so unsympathetic?" It was now impossible to study, so Erin switched away from the GED site on her tablet and brought up the Amazon Kindle application and started reading a science magazine she had downloaded several weeks ago. A minute later she looked up to see the teenage girl had come over close to her and was looking at her carefully. Then Jesse asked, "Erin, is that you?" Erin realized that this must be an acquaintance from high school, and said, "Yes, I'm Erin. How are you Jesse?" Jesse said, "God, you don't look at all like last year. I heard that you were back in town and had decided to go conventional. But I didn't believe it. What have you been up to?" Erin, "Just taking care of my baby and trying to make a good life for her. I have worked off and on, and I'm trying to get a GED. What are you up to?" Jesse, "Nothing. Just hanging out. Experiencing life." I have been in trouble because I haven't been attending school, sort of like you did last year. Erin, "So why are you so mad at your mom. She seems like a nice person, and she really hurt herself this morning." Jesse, "God, you know parents. She thinks she knows so much more than me, and she's always trying to get me to behave like she thinks is right, and she is really on my case now about school. She's not so bad, just a stupid old lady." Erin, "Well, maybe she does know much more than you do. After all she and your father have managed to keep three kids fed and clothed and healthy, with a roof over their head. You haven't managed anywhere close to that yet. I will tell you that you don't want to try to work without a high school diploma. You don't get paid much and it would take three of you to afford an apartment." Jesse, "God Erin, you've become a robot, spouting the party line. But here is something that might make you want to go back to your former self. Rex is back in town. He said he was sorry he treated you so bad and would like to get back together." Erin said, "I don't think so. He abused me physically and mentally. He mistreated our child. While I was with him, I was taking drugs and constantly involved in some scam which would probably hurt some innocent person and could have gotten me thrown into jail for years. If the scam didn't work, I was forced to sell my body. And I was constantly terrified that the drugs I was taking would get into my milk and to my baby. So, I wound up having to quit cold turkey. It sucked." Jesse, "Well, it sounds cool to me. Like some modern-day Bonnie and Clyde. I'd take your place in a minute." Erin, "Not if you think about it you wouldn't. Because the ultimate result of living like that is not some romantic exciting life but rather a long jail sentence or becoming a prostitute or dying young. And if you have anyone you love, you would hurt them badly. So, don't even think that." Jesse, "God, you have become a downer, Erin. You suck now." Erin shrugged and went back to her book. It was much more interesting than this idiot. Then Jesse threw in one more insult, "And If you are so high and mighty and doing so good, why are you pregnant again? You stupid whore?" Erin turned red but decided that a retort at this point would not be useful. At about 5:30, her roommate's husband took their children home to get them dinner and ready for bed. The woman said, "Hey Erin, thanks." Erin said, "Your welcome. What for?" The woman said, "For trying to talk some sense into Jesse. My knee may be bad, but my hearing is very good. I heard what you said. Now that I look at you, I recognize you from last year. You were much heavier, weren't you? And you had big tattoos on your arms and wore the most outrageous makeup and boys' clothes. And you had a nose ring. And went out with that jerk heart-throb Rex?" Erin laughed, "Still have the tattoo,." and she held her arm up where the woman could see. "But the nose ring, outrageous makeup, and Rex are gone. Good Riddance." The woman smiled and shook her head and said, "You don't look or talk anything like I remember. What happened?" So, Erin went through her sorta-true story of how she realized that her lifestyle would probably affect her baby's life negatively, and so she determined to return home and set her life straight." The woman said, "Well, the best of luck to you. Is it true that you are pregnant again? Is this child Rex's too? Are you going to keep him or her?" Erin did not want to talk about this but decided that the woman had asked an honest question and so Erin would answer. She said, "After Rex and I split, I had a brief friendship with the guy who helped me get back to Blakefield. One night he gave me some GHB, a date-rape drug, and I woke up in Lambart Park, naked and pregnant. And, yes, I am going to keep the child, twins actually. I believe in choice, but my choice is for my children to live and to live with me." The woman asked, "Did you have him arrested? You can't let him get away with this." Erin, "He disappeared right afterward, and they haven't caught up with him?" "Well," the woman said, "I have to admit you are much different than I thought last year when I met you. My impression is that you were just another idiot friend of Jesse's without the common sense to do a little work and launch herself on a relatively happy, productive life. But you have a lot of common sense. I guess there is hope for Jesse after all." Erin laughed, "Yeah, there is hope." At about 6 PM, Erin noticed that the aching pain in her gut was gone. Well, she hadn't eaten since noon, so maybe that was it. However, for the last couple of months her gut had hurt to a greater or lesser degree almost all the time. The nurse came in at 7 and asked how she was. When Erin told her she felt great, the nurse said "Good, are you hungry?" Erin smiled, "I'm enjoying not hurting so much that I refuse to be hungry." The nurse said, "Unfortunately, you have to have something to eat. We are testing whether the medication is doing you any good. And one indication of that is if you can eat without pain. So, I'm going to order a dinner designed to be easy to digest and hypoallergenic and unlikely to cause stomach upset. You need to eat as much of it as you can. In fact, unless the pain returns while you are eating, you need to eat at least half of it. It will be here in 45 minutes." Her mom showed up before the meal, and she had Mary with her. Mary recognized Erin by sight and started reaching for her and raising a fuss as soon as she got in the room. Erin was just as excited to see her daughter, if less demonstrative, and took Mary from her mother immediately. Mother and daughter spent a few minutes cuddling before Erin was ready to talk to her mother. Erin told her mother all about the scratch test and the decision to give her the medication for Crohn's/colitis, and how she felt so much better since she had taken it and how the next test was to see how eating affected her. Her mother was very pleased. Then Mary decided she wanted to nurse, so Erin repositioned her gown to allow breastfeeding. While Erin was doing that, her roommate struck up a conversation with Erin's mom. It turned out the two had known each other from various school events. Erin's roommate related to her mom what had happened earlier, when Erin had talked to Jesse. She said how grateful she was and complimented her on how Erin had shown much more common sense than last year. Erin's mom said "Yes, since Erin left Rex and come home, she has been a different person." Erin's roommate said she hoped some of it would rub off on Jesse. Finally, the food arrived. Erin was surprised that she was hungry. She continued holding Mary with one arm and eating with the other. She started with desert, jello and fruit. It had been a long time since she had eaten desert. She still felt good after that and ate a cup of creamed corn soup. She still felt good and ate half a ham and cheese sandwich before she felt so stuffed that she couldn't take another bite. But her stomach did not ache. A half hour later the nurse came in and asked her how she felt, and she said " I feel great. But I can't finish everything." The nurse said, "You are used to hardly eating at all, so even a small meal will feel like a lot." Then she checked the fetal heartbeats and said, "OK, I will bring some water and another budesonide, and we will see how things are in the morning." Erin told her "I was hoping to go home tonight." The nurse said "Sorry, your Doctor has not approved release and will likely want to see you one more time in the morning." Erin sighed and settled down to spend a little more time with Mary, until at 8:30 her mother said she had to get going. She said "Erin. Tomorrow, I can't come in in the morning. I will drop Mary at infant care and await your call telling me what the Doctor says. So, Erin kissed her mother goodnight and kissed Mary and they left, with Mary screaming like mad because she was having to leave Erin." Erin felt miserable. She knew she was doing the best she could for Mary, but she hated to see her unhappy. Erin spent the rest of the evening studying. Just before bedtime, the nurse came in and gave her another budesonide, and offered her a sleeping pill. Erin once again said she was pregnant and a former addict and didn't want anything that would negatively affect those issues. The nurse brought her a mild, OTC sleep inducer which she took. The next morning Erin still felt good and ate most of her breakfast. She studied for the GED for a couple of hours. Then Jesse came in and actually hugged her mother and talked to her civilly for a half an hour, apparently on break from school. She also came over and said hi to Erin. Erin replied, "Hi, Jesse." Then Jesse said, "I'm sorry I called you a whore, Erin. I heard from a kid at school that you were raped." Erin said, "Thanks for apologizing, Jesse. Those misunderstandings happen sometime. What are you doing in school?" Jesse talked about her classes. "My favorite class is cooking. I'm thinking of taking it in Community College, so I can get a job in a restaurant. I was just telling my mom. She was surprised and really encouraged me. I guess we both had some misunderstandings. Thanks, Erin." Then she had to leave. Finally, an hour later Erin's Doctor came in. He quizzed Erin on how she felt before and after meals and finally said, "Well, it appears you have some form of colitis. I don't think you have Crohn's, because you responded so well to the budesonide. But it is possible, and we will have to do a colonoscopy after you give birth to figure out what exactly is going on. But for now, we need to get this episode into remission. If we can do that, you won't need to take budesonide and you won't have to worry about the effect on your twins. However, we will try to minimize the medication, even though the monitor of the fetal heart rates indicates no issues. So, I want you to take budesonide once each day for a month, in the afternoon, with food. After a month stop and see if you can do without it. If your symptoms recur while taking one pill, take two, noon and night for a month and then drop back to one for a month and then stop and see if you can do without it. If that doesn't do it call my office. We will give you a budesonide pill to take with lunch. If you are symptom- free after lunch, you can go home." Erin said "One question, I am caring for a friend's infant and nursing him. Is that OK?" The Doctor said "All the data I have seen indicates it is safe, but your friend should know and make the call. A half hour later the next budesonide pill arrived at the same time as Erin's lunch. She was still hungry and enjoyed lunch, although she couldn't finish it. She had the pill with some yogurt. Then she put the lunch aside and pulled out her tablet to study some more. But her roommate asked, "What are you reading on the tablet?" Erin replied, "Oh, I'm studying for my GED." The woman said, "Oh, good for you. How's it going." Erin said, "Well there's four fields of study and four tests. I've passed two of them already and am scheduled for the English GED test the last week of this month. I was worried that I would not be ready but have gotten lots of study time the last couple days and think I am ready now. I am determined to finish before August." The woman said, "Hey, you are making progress. The best of luck to you. Why August?" Erin said, "That's when the twins are due. God knows I won't be doing any studying then." The woman laughed and said, "I really enjoyed my daughter's visit. Jesse was really nice today. I think you gave her something to think about." Erin, "No, I would bet she realized how badly hurt you were and decided she needed to connect back with you again on her own." The woman said, "I enjoyed her telling me what she wanted to do. I guess I had some misconception that she never thought about the future at all. Anyway, something good has come out of this injury. Jesse and I actually spent some quality time together." Then the nurse came in and quizzed Erin about how she ate, how she felt, any pain, any discomfort. Then she took vital signs, checked the fetal heart monitor, and said, "Erin, you are cleared to go when you can arrange a ride. Here is a prescription for the budesonide. It is expensive so be prepared. There are alternate drugs, but they are even more expensive. Here are the written directions for taking it, basically what the doctor told you this morning." Erin immediately called her mother and told her she was getting out today. Her mother said she had to work until 4, and then she would pick Erin up at 4:15 and they would pick up Mary at Infant Care on the way home. That gave her almost three hours to kill. She asked the nurse at the next opportunity whether there was a hurry to vacate her bed. The nurse said that actually they were short of beds. So, Erin got up, went into the bathroom, changed back to the outfit she had worn when admitted, packed her stuff, and went to wait downstairs. She called her mother and told her she would be downstairs and to call her when she arrived, and Erin would meet her in the parking lot. Erin found an unoccupied waiting room in a quiet hallway to sit and studied her GED Materials. After a while, she heard a voice she knew well talking to a group of well-dressed men and women while walking down the hall and explaining the layout of the hospital. It was Jenny Sanders showing city officials around in her role as an Administrator of St Mary's Hospital. Erin's jaw dropped, and she just sat and reveled in the sound of the voice she missed so much. In a moment she had tears in her eyes because of her feeling of loss. Yes, she loved her new mother, and yes, she loved her baby, and yes, she loved her new father, and she even loved her new sister, but God she missed her old family. Then Jenny noticed the solitary young woman sitting in the waiting room with tears in her eye and interrupted her tour to ask if she could help. Erin was shocked to find her former mother actually talking to her and took a minute to compose herself and said, "No, mo.., No I'm OK. Thank You." The phraseology of the few words was familiar to Jenny, but not familiar enough to trigger recognition. And Jenny caught the uncompleted word, but it could have been anything. So, Jenny continued with her tour, walking away from her former son, missing for over three months, whom she also missed desperately, without knowing how close they had been. After a few minutes, Erin composed herself fully and returned to studying. Then she remembered she wanted to get grades for the essays on the practice test she had taken earlier. So, she went to the web page containing the results of that practice test, selected "Grade the Essays", got out her wallet and entered her credit card number and clicked continue. It came back with a message that the grade would be available in three days. OK, that was done. Then she decided to take another practice test. That took two hours. As she was finishing up, her (current) mother called and Erin said she would be out in the parking lot in 10 minutes. As they drove to pick up Mary, Erin told her mother all the details of what her Doctor had said, and, also, that they had to get a prescription, which the Doctor had said would be expensive. Her mom said how glad she was that Erin was getting better and Erin impulsively gave her a hug and said "Thank You, Mom. I love you." Erin was always surprised at how happy she felt to see her daughter, and Mary responded with enthusiasm. Erin cuddled Mary and got otherwise reacquainted going home, talking baby talk to her, rocking her, singing to her, with Mary joining in noisily. Erin's mother was surprised at the loud and vociferous reunion. Then Mary decided she wanted to nurse and things became quieter. Erin apologized for the noise, but mom just replied that if Erin was happy and Mary was happy, then Mom was happy. But the loudness and spontaneity were a surprise to her. She did not remember ever playing with her children in such a manner. Where had Erin picked that up? That evening, Erin called Debbie and told her what had happened at the hospital. Debbie expressed sympathy and said she was glad that Erin was doing better. Erin told Debbie that she was available to babysit tomorrow if Debbie needed her. Debbie said, "Thank God, I was only able to attend school in the afternoon yesterday and not at all today. Then Erin told her about the medication she was taking not being recommended for pregnant and nursing mothers, but that her Doctor had said that he thought that was overly cautious and thought the medication was very safe. Given those considerations, Debbie would have to decide whether she wanted Erin to nurse or bottle-feed Jeremy. Debbie asked what the name of the medication was and said she would look it up on the web and decide tonight, and if the decision was bottle-feed, she would have some formula for Erin to use. The next morning, Erin went to Debbie's and cared for Jeremy again. Debbie had used the internet to investigate the potential for budesonide to affect Jeremy and decided there was no real danger and gave clearance for Erin to nurse Jeremy. The day went by routinely. Erin brought her budesonide pill with her and took it with lunch. So far, a single pill was maintaining remission of her gut problems, which made Erin happy. Just because she felt so full after eating a little food, she still had a hard time eating the 2300 calories recommended for a woman 4 months pregnant with twins, but she could get fairly close. The next morning, Erin and her mom picked up Carol Lincoln and they went to visit LaTesha at Nola Prison. It started out as basically a repeat of the visit a few weeks ago. Because of her time in the hospital, Erin had not had a chance to get any gifts for LaTesha, but she promised LaTesha she would work on the GED study material. They visited for the two hours allotted and then got up to walk out to the car. As they were leaving, a guard coming into the visiting center bumped Erin and almost knocked her and Mary over, but grabbed her before she went down and said, "Sorry, Maam," and walked off before she could so much as say a word. When she collected herself, she found a scrap of paper in her hand. She looked at it and read "Visit me too, Brian." God, now what should she do? To get time to think, Erin told her mother she needed to visit the lady's room and handed Mary to her. Then she went and used the loo and thought. 'Why would Brian be here? What was going on? What if I just ignore the note?' She decided she should at least see what the situation was, if she could. What would she tell Carol and mom? She came out of the rest room and checked Mary and found she was wet, so she took her bag and Mary back into the rest room and changed her. Erin still could not think of a good story, so she just came out of the rest room, and told the two ladies that there was someone else she needed to visit. Both ladies wanted the full story, which Erin couldn't possibly tell them. She just said that someone she'd met last fall had somehow gotten a guard to hand her a note requesting a visit. This person had helped her in the past, so she felt obligated. She was not going to do anything illegal or immoral, but just a short visit. There was no connection to Rex. Finally, her mom said OK. So, Erin went up and asked a guard where the men's visiting center was. It was a bit of a walk, but the weather was OK, so they walked. She went up to the desk and asked if she could visit Brian Sanders. The guard looked at her and asked if she had an appointment. She stammered and was about to say "No," when he asked what her name was. She said "Erin McLoughlin." He looked at his schedule and said her appointment was at 1:30. She would have to come back. So, she and her mom and Mrs. Lincoln went back to the car and drove out to lunch. The two older women peppered her with questions, starting with "Who is Brian Sanders?" She told her mother it was the guy who brought her home from Oregon last fall. Her mother asked "Is that person who insisted on getting sex with you in exchange for the transportation? Erin said, "Yes, but on the other hand he treated me decently, and, more important, he treated Mary decently. And I didn't have any alternative. So, it was a good deal." Mom asked if Brian had anything to do with the rape, after all Erin would have to turn such a person in to prevent other rapes." Erin decided she would lie and said, "No." Then Mom said all three of them should be in on the visit, but Erin replied that the visit appointment only had her name on it. Finally, her mother said "OK, but only a short visit and you have to tell me everything." Erin knew she could not tell Mom everything but said OK. By the end of lunch, Erin was exhausted from the stress of the partial lies and the conflict. She hated having to lie but didn't see another way for the time being. At 1:30, the three of them got back to the men's prison visitor's center. One of the guards told her she had to walk down a corridor visible to some of the cells and to just ignore anything anyone said. She said "See Ya Soon." to Mom, Carol, and Mary and went out into the corridor and started walking toward a set of doors on the right. As soon as Erin was visible, the whistles and catcalls and lewd comments started. It was incredibly loud and unpleasant, but Erin did as the guards had warned her and kept her head straight ahead and shoulder's square and didn't acknowledge the explicit suggestions from the inmates, although she turned red at some of the comments. But she was very glad to get to the doors and go into the visiting room. Then the noise died down. There were still occasional lewd comments called out to "Blondie." But things were fairly quiet. The guard directed her to a window about halfway down a row of them. She sat down and there behind the glass was Brian, her former self. He had gained about 40 pounds and looked grossly out of shape. He had several tattoos on his neck that she could see. He looked at her and whistled and said "Wow, Erin, you've become a really sexy lady. Just you visiting has increased my status here." Erin didn't know what to say to that. So, she asked, "Brian, how in heavens name did you wind up here? You had a clean record when I last saw you. You would have had to do something really violent to get locked up in such a short time." "Well," he said, "I tried to grab some old lady's purse and she fought back, so I pushed her away from me and she fell down and broke her hip and they called it assault, but it was really self- defense." Erin just shook her head, "God Brian, you broke an elderly woman's hip for a few dollars in her purse?" Brian, "I didn't mean to." Erin, "That doesn't help the old lady. An old woman could be crippled for the rest of her life because of that. So, tell me, have you learned anything from this?" Brian said, "Don't snatch purses from old ladies?" Erin shook her head, "The lesson is that when you try to steal something or cheat someone, they are likely to be hurt more than you intend. Just don't do it. You can find an honest way to earn a living that doesn't hurt anyone." Brian looked skeptical. Then Erin asked, "How did you know I was coming?" Brian said, "When you were here a couple weeks ago, I was working on a gardening detail, and I saw Mom. I'd recognize her anywhere. And when I saw a younger woman and baby, it was easy to figure out who they were. So, I put out feelers about the women who visited the girls detention center and asked them to keep an eye out for you. When you arrived this morning, I was able to set up the note and appointment quickly. Erin asked, "What did you have to do to get someone to pass a note to me? Never mind, I don't want to know." Then Erin asked, "How are you doing in prison? Are you taking advantage of educational programs? Are you clean?" Brian didn't say anything in response to those questions. Erin asked, "How did you get a guard to pass me a note?" Was it some sort of exchange? How do you get something to exchange? Do you have a prison job? Brian said, "Yes, I am working in the kitchen." Erin asked, "I hope you aren't involved in anything illegal. You should be keeping clean and getting yourself straight, so you can get out and be prepared to move on." Brian then said, "Whoa, slow down, girl. I know what I am doing. I'll be fine. I was going to ask if you would be interested in trying to switch back. Maybe not now, but when I get out." Erin sighed and said, "Brian, you realize that you haven't asked about Mary? Nor have you asked about anyone in your family, your mother, father, sister, brother. I absolutely love being a mother and caring for Mary, and I found that while your family can be difficult, they are loving and wonderful people. But most important is being Mary's mother. Do you realize that she is going to be a tall and beautiful girl, that even now she is outgoing and sweet and loving? In addition, I am pregnant with twins and I look forward to being their mother. So, no, I would not even consider turning those three children over to someone to whom they are not a priority. Would I like to be an engineer again? You bet. Would I like to be part of my former family again? Yes. But not at the cost of abandoning my responsibility to my children." Brian said, "Twins, you're pregnant with twins? Who is the father?" Erin asked, "Who do you think?" and looked at him pointedly. Brian said, "Geez, I'm sorry Erin. I thought that Mary was still nursing, so you couldn't get pregnant again." Erin said, "Maybe being in detox for a couple of weeks without nursing made it so I could get pregnant again. I know I had a period when I got home. It doesn't matter. I am pregnant, and you are the only candidate for father." Brian then said, "Couldn't someone else have raped you while were passed out?" Erin, "No, they did a DNA screen afterward, and only found one sperm sample. So, you're it. By the way, if they ever put your DNA into a data-base, you will probably be identified. That's a really good reason to stay out of trouble. And that is another reason I don't want to switch. Having to serve time for raping myself is not something I want to do." Brian sort of turned red, "Well, you're being pregnant is as much your fault as mine. Any sane woman would have an abortion after being raped. And, I was only kidding about switching back. I'm a man and I like it. And I really don't want to switch back and be a mother of three. By your decision, you have guaranteed we will never switch back. Don't blame me for your predicament." Then Erin asked, "Brian, why did you do to me what you did?" Brian, "Because I was horny, and after all that is my body. So, when I needed someone to fuck, it was sort of my right. I wouldn't do it to anyone else. I guess you're mad at me?" Erin, "Mad doesn't even begin to cover it, Brian. Didn't you consider that I was helpless after you left. Someone else could have done something far more horrible to me than rape as I lay in the park." Brian, "Well, I did hide you. But I guess I didn't think too much about you getting hurt. I guess it's like you said, when you take something from someone, they can get hurt badly. I am Sorry, Erin." Erin then said, "You hid me, so you could do what you wanted to do, not to protect me." By this time, they were both screaming and other visitors were looking at Erin. Then Erin quieted down and said, "Look, let's just agree that this is my body and that is yours and you can't do anything to me without permission, and I can't control what you do. We are permanently switched and have no rights over each other at all." Brian just looked at her. Then Brian changed the subject and said, "Do you know that when you said there were reasons you might want to change back, you didn't mention that you missed being a man. I guess that means you are happy as a woman, that you really are just a pussy." Erin thought about whether she wanted to continue this conversation at all and thought about getting up and walking out. But she decided it was a conversation she wanted to have and said, "I didn't think of that. I am happy as a mother and I can go days at a time not thinking about having once been a man. And I have made some close woman friends and feel very comfortable with them. And I don't mind dressing as a woman. It's no big deal. They're just clothes after all. But I don't know if I am completely happy as a woman, I mean emotionally and all. Someday I will feel attracted to someone and then I will know my sexual preference. But I have been so busy that I haven't had the chance." Brian asked, "What have you been so busy with? Being a mother?" Erin laughed, "That, and I had a short-term job at Pederson's Construction where Mom works, sort of doing low level engineering. And I am working on my GED. That takes a lot of studying. Now I am taking care of Debbie Silver's baby boy, so she can finish high school. She likes me to care for him because I can nurse." Erin saw a look of distaste cross Brian's face. He said, "I never particularly liked Debbie. She always acted like little miss perfect. I laughed when she got pregnant. I guess caring for her baby is a job you get paid for, which is good. But, I wouldn't want to do it." Erin said, "It's honest work Brian. No one is going to hate me forever or haul me off to jail because of it. And I can put away a little money for me and Mary and the new babies. And I've found I like caring for babies. They are sweet and innocent, even when they're being difficult. And Debbie and I have become friends." Brian made a face at that. Then Erin said, "Why did you want me to visit you, Brian? I won't bring you anything illegal or immoral, so don't ask. And I won't act as a go between for anyone on the outside. That would not productive for you and would risk my freedom, which is precious to me, especially because of the babies." Brian looked at her, "Well there were some things I was hoping you would do for me, but it sounds like that's not going to work. But I would still like you to visit. I am lonely here, and it is good to talk to you, even if we have to sort out a few things. It would be nice if you could bring me some different kinds of food. I don't like prison food. I see it being cooked when I work in the kitchen. I didn't get along much with the family, but it would be nice to hear how they are doing. And I guess it would be good to hear about the babies, after all they are mine." Erin bristled, "No they are not yours. They are mine. I am caring for them, and I will be supporting them. You have made it clear that you don't want to do either and in fact if it had been up to you, none of them would have been born. So, they are mine, not yours. Do you understand?" Her voice had risen again, and others in the room were again looking at her. She continued less loudly. "The fact that you have a biological connection does not make them yours. In fact, you should not mention anything about that. It would mark you as crazy or possibly as a rapist." Brian, "OK, but I would still like to hear about them a little if you can bring yourself to tell me." Erin calmed herself, "If I do visit more, what do you suggest I tell Mom. She had a fit today when I wanted to visit another convict. What should I tell her? Should I bring her in with me? Do you want to see her?" Brian, "Oh God No. Why would I want to see that bitch? As far as a suggestion what to tell her, you could just be so obnoxious that she doesn't want to deal with it, like I used to do. Other than that, I don't know." Then Erin gritted her teeth and said, "I need to go. I am getting too angry to talk productively. And we have talked for ? hour anyway, which is all the time in the appointment. And Mom has a long drive to get home. I will think about visiting you again. Goodbye Brian." Then, she called the guard to escort her to the entrance. She endured the catcalls and lewd comments again as she walked out, but she was so ticked off they had little effect on her. When she got out, her anger was obvious. She took Mary from Mom and held her close and stomped out, leaving her mother and Carol to follow behind. She realized she had tears streaming from her eyes and stopped for a minute to wipe them off with a Kleenex, so they wouldn't wash makeup onto her clothes. She knew she must look a fright, but she didn't care. Erin struggled for self-control. She was still the person she had always been, who liked to think things through and fully understand things before she reacted. She was determined to calm down and put things into perspective before she tried to deal with her emotions. That doesn't mean she didn't need comforting, and when Mom finally caught up and put her arms around her, Erin broke down into tears again against Mom's forehead. When her Mom asked her what happened, she said "That bastard, that self-centered asshole, that fool. Why did I think I could help him? Nobody can help him. He'll be lucky if he ever even gets out of prison. He'll be one of those convicts that commits enough crimes in prison to stay there forever. Why should I waste more time visiting that man?" Her mom got her back to the SUV and held her and Mary while she sat and calmed down. Finally, Erin said she was OK and apologized to both Mom and Carol for the scene and said they could leave any time they were ready. Of course, both Mom and Carol wanted to ask what happened, but realized this was not the time. Erin was silent as they drove. Mary decided she wanted to nurse, and Erin was happy to have something positive to do, so Erin adjusted her blouse and bra and allowed Mary to nurse. This was actually good therapy as Erin felt the closeness with her daughter as she nursed and focused on that instead of anger. By the time they were halfway home, Erin was much calmer and happier. Meanwhile, Mom and Carol were chatting in the front seat. Carol had applied for a job at Pederson and was coming in for an interview next week. Mom was telling her about the people she was likely to interview with. When they were about half way home, Mom asked if they wanted to stop for tea. Erin and Carol both said sure. They stopped at a small restaurant in the next town. Erin had some coffee, while the other two had tea. Then Carol asked Erin "Did you expect the catcalls as you went in?" Erin, "Not really. I've seen it on TV but didn't ever expect to be the target of it." She thought to herself, 'Of course not, I was a guy until a few months ago. Convicts wouldn't catcall guys, would they? Well, probably not.' Carol, "LaTesha has told me that whenever a woman is visible to male convicts, particularly if she is young and attractive, some male convicts automatically start in with that routine. You shouldn't take it personally. It's nothing you did or didn't do. It's just horny, uncivilized men with time on their hands. Not all male convicts do it, but a lot do." Erin nodded. Then Carol said, "You were very upset. We could hear you screaming from the entrance." Erin thought, "Oh God, no." But then Carol said "We couldn't hear what you were saying, but your mother recognized your voice. I'm guessing that you are closer to this Brian than you admitted before the visit." Again, Erin nodded and thought to herself. 'Much closer. I used to be him.' Then Carol said, "I would bet you were trying to talk him into doing something responsible, and he said no, and maybe said some uncomplimentary things. Is that right?" Erin nodded again. Then her Mom joined in and said, "God Erin, that's so common. A woman trying to talk a man into behaving responsibly happens all the time. You have to accept it honey, women are almost always more responsible than men, we have to be. The consequences if something goes wrong are much worse for a woman than for a man. If a man won't be persuaded, It's not your fault. Don't let it get to you. Almost all women have been in the same situation. It's frustrating for all of us." Erin, "Thanks Carol, Thanks Mom. I guess it was just such a shock to be totally devalued, as if my only legitimate purpose was to do what Brian wanted me to do, as if my opinion was inconsequential. I thought Brian was a friend. Anyway, let's move on for now. I need to process what happened and see if I want to continue helping him. Right now, he is headed for trouble." Carol, "Don't do it Erin. LaTesha tried to help her boyfriend and look where she wound up. She finally figured out he was just using her. But too late, and now she is trying to recover her life." Most of the rest of the week was routine. Erin wound up caring for Jeremy every day. That was OK, it meant that her friend was going to finish high school. And it meant Erin was making good money. She banked most of it but spent a little buying some things for Mary and her parents, and for LaTesha and Brian. One evening she persuaded her mom to take her to the mall and did some copying and shopping. She put together an introductory GED package for LaTesha and also copied her English GED study material. By the time she was done, Erin had about three inches of material. She called LaTesha the next night and asked her how she should handle it. LaTesha was glad to hear from her, and said the best thing was to bring it with her and turn it in to the guards. They would go over it and give it to her. Erin said that if LaTesha started her GED studying with English, Erin could easily get her any additional study materials since she was working on English too. When LaTesha got to the point of wanting to do practice tests, she could do them on paper and Erin would enter them in the computer and bring back the graded tests. LaTesha said she might be able to access the GED material on a very limited computer they had in their library, but if not, Erin's suggestion would work. Then LaTesha told her she was excited to do something positive. Then LaTesha said, "Hey Erin, did you visit someone else last weekend?" Erin said, "Yes, a friend named Brian Sanders." LaTesha, "Yeah, there's rumors of a crazy woman doing a lot of screaming in the men's visiting center on Saturday. One set of rumors is that you and the guy you were visiting had a big fight. And another is that you were giving Brian a blow job and the guards threw you out and you were screaming at them." Erin, "Oh God. LaTesha, the first rumor is true. I was trying to persuade Brian to behave more responsibly, and he wasn't receiving, and I guess I lost my cool. Honest, that's what happened." LaTesha, "Hey girl, you don't need to convince me. I can't imagine you doing anything really crazy. But next time you come, expect some comments." That evening, Erin called Clara too. After a little bit of chit-chat, Erin said, "Clara, I ran into Brian this weekend?" Clara, "Really! Where?" Erin, "Nola Prison." Clara, "Damn. What happened? Why is he there?" Erin, "I was visiting LaTesha Lincoln, a friend I met in detox, at the young women's detention facility at Nola. Brian got a message to me, via a guard I think. Someone bumped me, and I found a note in my hands asking me to visit him. So, I checked, and I had an appointment already scheduled. I wonder what that cost Brian? Anyway, Brian tried to snatch a purse from an elderly lady and wound up pushing her down and breaking her hip." Clara, "Oh, Good God. Is the lady all right?" Erin, "I don't know. Brian didn't seem concerned except that it got him 5 years. Occasionally he can be a nice guy, but most of the time he is such a self-centered prick. I told him I was pregnant, and he said it was my fault because "any sane woman would have had an abortion after getting pregnant from a rape." I asked him why he raped me, and he said, "this was once his body, so if he is horny he has a right to rape me." By the end of the visit, I was screaming at him and I left before I could start crying. I think I made quite a scene." Clara said, "I'm sorry that happened to you Erin. But you had a right to be upset. I probably would have acted exactly the same. Nobody can blame you for screaming at him." Erin, "Yes, but you know I don't like to get upset. I like to be rational, so I can make fair judgements on what is going on." Clara, "Well, I know that as my brother, you like to be cool and calm, but what this guy did to you was so personal and so potentially damaging that no woman would be able to stay calm. I'm surprised you didn't jump across the table and scratch his eyes out." Erin laughed when she heard that. But then said more seriously, "Are you saying I reacted like that because I am a woman? Clara, I don't believe that. I've met lots of calm, controlled, rational women. Our mom, for example. And I had an engineering professor who was very even-tempered and controled. I never saw either of them cry or raise their voices. I have a hard time envisioning them reacting like I acted." Clara, "After being raped and told it was their fault and the resulting pregnancy was their fault? I know our mom would have a screaming fit. I don't know your engineering professor, but I bet she would have too. Give yourself a break Erin. You handled it fine." They talked for almost an hour as to what they should do. Erin said *I don't want to turn him in. They would do a blood DNA test and he would be convicted of rape and spend 30 years in prison. That would be horrible for our family. I would turn him in if I thought he was a danger to other women. But I don't think so. I think he feels a certain sense of 'ownership' of me, because he used to be me. So, it's my personal problem, not a problem for women in general, and I won't turn him in. But beyond that, he has made his bed, let him rot in it." Clara, "Erin, I know he has done some rotten things to you. And I know he's not my brother. You are my brother. Or used to be my brother. But Brian has the same genetics as you used to have. So, he has the same potential for good as you did. And I still sort of consider him my brother, in a way. I'm a social worker. I think Brian could be redeemable. I think because of our close relationship with him, we can help Brian reform, and that helping him be a better person is worth doing. Erin thought about it and realized that she agreed with Clara. She couldn't abandon Brian; however angry she was with him. But how to help him was a big question. He was still in denial and believed he was doing all right. Just a few bad breaks. Clara asked, "Can I come with you the next time you visit?" Erin said, "One other thing happened that I didn't mention. You remember those old movies of prisons where a woman walks down a corridor and the prisoners scream catcalls and sexual suggestions at her. Well, that happened to me as I went down to the visiting area. The prisoners' comments and catcalls to me were very embarrassing, and I'm just a fat kid. You are a beautiful woman. They would be twice as bad. Do you really want to subject yourself to that?" Clara replied, "Erin, take a look in the mirror. You are no longer a fat kid. You are an attractive woman too. I know you don't want to identify as a pretty girl, but that's what you are. The prisoners wouldn't be any worse toward the two of us than toward you alone. And we could provide support to each other." Erin, "How would I justify it to Mom McLoughlin and Carol?" Clara, "Well, I could be a friend of Brian's from high school. That isn't even a lie." Erin, "OK, two weeks from today Mom and another lady and I travel to Nola prison to see the friend I met in detox, LaTesha Lincoln. After that I will see Brian. You are welcome to come too." Clara, "I remember LaTesha, nice girl. Why is she in prison, she is underage." Erin then went through the story of how the state juvenile facility is full, so they put together an annex at the woman's facility at Nola. Then Clara said, ", By the way, totally unrelated subject, our Girl's Might Out with the bridesmaids has been delayed a week because one of the bridesmaids had to work, so it will be on May 6. So please change your calendar." With that they said goodbye. On Wednesday afternoon, Debbie asked Erin, "Erin, is there any chance you would be willing to bring Jeremy down to Barrie's BBQ after school Friday? I would like to show him off to some friends. The weather is supposed to be OK." Erin said, "Sure, it will be fun to get out. Remind me again where Barrie's is. And what time should I be there." Debbie, "Erin, it's right by the school. You can't have forgotten so soon." Erin said, "Yeah. OK, so I have a short memory. Sue me." And laughed with Debbie. Friday, when both babies were down, Erin looked up directions to Barrie's, it was an 8-block walk, 10 blocks if she wanted to avoid crossing busy streets in the middle of the block. No big deal. At 2 PM, she nursed both babies, changed them to double diapers, and got them bundled up for the trip. Then she packed away some additional diapers, clothing, and supplies in case she had to change either baby. Debbie had a large carriage that could carry both plus the supplies, although it was a little awkward given the difference in size and age of the two babies. But Erin managed it and got to Barrie's 10 minutes early. Debbie showed up 5 minutes later with a large group of girls, and 1 or 2 guys, including Chris. Some of the group said, "Hi Erin," to her, and Erin returned a generic "Hey, Hi." Then as Debbie and Chris were showing off Jeremy, Erin took Mary and went through the line and got a small ice cream and went into the adjoining dining room and took a seat. She gave Mary small tastes, and Mary was having a ball, alternately licking and making excited noises. Then a shadow fell across Mary's face, and Erin turned and there was Rex. Erin was terrified. She had forgotten how big he was, and how threatening he looked. He made her feel like a little girl, and she was a good-sized woman. The last two times she had seen him, he had raped her and threatened to kill her. He said, "Hey Erin. I talked to Jesse this week. She said you didn't want to get back together." Erin decided she had to speak straight, even if it risked him hurting her. If he got her alone, anything could happen. She said, "That's right Rex. I have a child to take care of. I'm not running around the country with you doing God knows what. And I am clean and never want to go back to using again. I am working on my GED and want to build an honest life for me and Mary and the twins I am carrying. So, leave me alone." The Rex said, "Jesse said you're pregnant again, that you were raped. I bet you made up that story, you whore. You sold your body when we were together when I told you to. I bet you kept doing it, and then told a story of rape to cover up. Well, we will get you an abortion, then you can come with me. And you have no choice. I decide what you do." Then he grabbed Erin's arm and started dragging her away. She managed to pull her arm out of his grip and said "No. No. I'm not going anywhere with you." He reached out and slapped her face hard, which rocked her, and said "Come on, whore. We're leaving." She again grabbed hold on the table, so he started slapping her at random. He was incredibly strong, and the slaps hurt badly. Erin did her best to keep her back to him and shield her stomach, so most of the blows fell on her back. She screamed and shouted "Help!" instinctively. Then Mary became aware her mother was being hurt and started screaming in fear. Rex reached over to punch Mary to silence her, but Erin got her shoulder between them and took the blow. The pain was incredible and she almost went down. Erin started screaming at the top of her lungs for Rex to leave them alone, but Rex kept hittng her. With both her and Mary screaming, other people in the drive-in became aware of the problem. Three senior boys came over to investigate. One of them was a football player. He was 6 ft 3 and tall and muscular. Rex was 4 inches taller and heavier, but not in as good a shape. As a former athlete, Rex was known to the football player, who said "What's going on Rex?" Rex said, "I'm teaching this cunt who's boss." The football player said, "I don't think so Rex. You need to leave her alone." Then Debbie came close and screamed at Rex, "Yeah, leave her alone, you bastard." Rex took a step toward her and she shrank back. Then Chris stepped beside her. Rex suddenly realized he was now badly outnumbered. If it came to a fight he could lose and might wind up trapped and arrested. So, he pointed at Erin and said, "This is not over bitch. You and I are going to get back together, or you are going to regret it big time." Then he turned around, punched an older man who was in the way, and left by a side fire exit. Erin's face and back where she had taken blows hurt like the devil, but she had managed to protect Mary and her stomach. After Rex left, she just picked up Mary and sat on a bench in shock, trying to compose herself while Mary continued screaming. Finally, Erin recovered enough to comfort Mary and try to settle her down. Debbie sat next to her protectively but couldn't do much more than hug her. Someone in the kitchen had called the police and about 10 minutes later they arrived. The effect of the blows did not show too much yet, but the police officers were experienced and saw she had absorbed a lot of punishment. They also saw that she was pregnant and didn't know if she had been hit in the stomach. They called an ambulance immediately. The ambulance arrived, and the crew checked Erin and Mary's vital signs, talked to Erin briefly, but despite her saying she was OK, they transported her and Mary to the Emergency Room at St. Mary's hospital. The police searched the neighborhood but could not locate anyone matching Rex's description. By the time she arrived at the ER, Erin was starting to show bruises on her face and arms. The doctor checked her over and told her she was lucky nothing was broken. But they wanted to keep Erin overnight to be sure she was OK before being released. Erin asked about Mary, and they said she was not injured and it would perhaps be best for Mary to go home for the night. On the other hand, he admitted that Mary had undergone a considerable fright, so it might be better for Mary to stay with her mother. Erin asked if she would have an IV tonight, and he said yes. So, Erin felt she would not be able to keep Mary clean and decided to send her home with Mom if she could. Then hospital personnel put Erin in a wheelchair and transferred her to a hospital room, carrying Mary. When she arrived, they hooked up an IV and monitors. Erin called Mom and told her what had happened and lay down with Mary. Soon Mary was dozing. Erin just laid there quietly until her mom came into the room and rushed to her side. Even though the nurse had given her some aspirin, her face was in a great deal of pain now. And her bruises were starting to show clearly. Her mom just sat with her and tried to comfort her. Finally, Erin said, "Mom, it's OK. I came out of this much better than I could have, and Mary did too. We'll be OK in time." Then her father came in, with anger showing in his face. He threatened that he would get that son of a bitch. Erin hoped he wouldn't do anything foolish. Although her father was good sized and in reasonably good shape for a 50-year-old man, he was no match for Rex. Very few men were. She was lucky that that football player had been at Barrie's, otherwise Rex might have been able to get away with dragging her away. She would have to be sure to thank him when she got a chance. After a while, her mom left and took Mary home. Later in the evening Fran came in to see her. She whistled when she saw Erin's face, knowing that Erin would have two black eyes and numerous bruises for a couple of weeks at least. She told Erin that Rex's description was out on all the briefing sheets, and a picture was circulating on police data sources. Fran also said she hoped she was the one that spotted him first and that he resisted arrest. She would shoot his ass off. Erin said she hoped not, she knew Fran would feel guilty her whole life if she killed someone. Fran laughed and said, "OK, so you know me pretty well. But I might be able to overcome my sense of guilt in this case." Erin laughed at that. Then Fran said Rex had a lot of connections in the community and might be able to get out of town without being caught." Erin said, "As long as he can't come near me and Mary again." Fran knew nothing could guarantee that. Still later, Debbie came in with her father and Jeremy for a short visit. She brought Erin's purse which Erin had left at the restaurant. Debbie apologized to Erin for getting her out where Rex could get at her. But Erin told her "Oh Debbie. It's not your fault. I could have run into him anywhere. It's all on Rex for being such an asshole." Debbie giggled at that. They chatted for a while and agreed that Erin would call Debbie on Sunday night and plan what childcare she could do the next week. As she expected, Erin felt even sorer in the morning, but neither her or her unborn twins appeared to be suffering from any permanent damage from the beating. After the nurse pronounced her "OK" Erin called her mom and arranged for pick up. As she was waiting for processing to be completed, her former mom walked into the room and said, "Hi, I'm Jenny Sanders. I'm an administrator for the hospital. I like to talk with patients that are being released about their experiences in the hospital." Erin was suddenly tongue-tied and took a few moments to respond. "I'm Erin McLoughlin. Everything's been fine. No complaints." Ginny looked at the young woman's face and then at her chart and noted that she was in for unspecified trauma, but it looked like someone had beaten her up. She asked, "So what happened that caused you to come to the ER?" Erin laughed and said "An ex-boyfriend wanted to get back together, and I said no. He didn't take it well. I was actually lucky. I was holding my daughter and I managed to shield her. And I'm pregnant, and I manage to shield the fetuses. So, they'll be all right." Jenny, "Did you report him to the police?" Erin, "They were called to the scene, so I didn't have to. If they catch him, I'll testify against the bastard. Um, Excuse me for saying that." Jenny laughed, "No, it's certainly true. What are you going to do now?" Erin, "Go back to what I was doing. I live with my parents. I'm trying to finish my GED. And taking care of a friend's baby while she finishes high school." There was something about this girl that jogged Jenny's memory, like somehow, she knew the girl. What was it? The expressions she used were sort of familiar, but to whom. And her name was familiar. She had heard it recently. Then it came to her, this was the girl that Clara had chosen as maid of honor in place of Brian, unless of course he showed up between now and then, which Jenny hoped desperately would happen. Her son had dropped out of sight three months ago and no one had heard from him since then. She said, "Are you the Erin who is a friend of Clara Sanders?" Erin smiled weakly and said, "Yes, one and the same." Jenny, "So you may be Clara's maid of honor in July, unless her brother shows up." Erin, "Yes, that is true." Jenny said, "I am Clara's mother, Jenny Sanders." Erin stuck her hand out and said "Good to meet you Mrs. Sanders. How are you doing?" Jenny shook her hand and said, "I'm doing OK, considering everything." Erin, "Yes, Clara told me your son was missing. I'm sorry. I hope he is found all right." Jenney usually didn't talk about personal things with strangers, but somehow felt she could talk to this girl. So, she said, "Brian went to a civil engineering conference in Eugene in October and we haven't heard from him since. The police say this happens occasionally. A young person gets a job offer and just takes off and neglects to tell his family. But they don't know our family. We are so close. Brian would never do that. If he is not in contact, there is a reason. We hired a private investigator. He visited Eugene and found Brian had been in a fight with a big guy trying to protect a woman, a young, tall, blond, heavy woman with a baby. He checked with the organizers of the conference and were surprised that Brian was a boy, because a tall, blond, heavy woman with a baby showed up at the conference and gave Brian's paper. You would think it would be easy to find a tall, blond, heavy-set woman with an engineering degree. But nothing yet. It's very mysterious. Who is this woman and what is her connection to Brian? Brian wasn't usually romantically attracted to women with that physical description. He tended to like petite, dark-haired women." "The investigator traced Brian and this woman and her baby back to Blakefield. The person they got the information that said the woman was definitely in charge, and even drove Brian's car. They stayed in Blakefield for a couple of days and then disappeared. The manager of my son's apartment said she met the girl, and she seemed nice, but the girl didn't give much personal information, only her name, Erin, like yours. I can see how he might go all chivalrous and help a girl with a baby, that's the kind of person he was. But he wouldn't abandon his family." Erin wanted to hug her old mom and say "It's me, mom, I'm OK. I've just been changed into a girl. But everything's OK." But she realized how crazy that would sound. So, she chickened out and just said "Well, I certainly hope he contacts you soon. That'll get me out of the Maid of Honor business. I have never done anything like that before." Jenny, "How did you meet Clara?" Erin, "We ran into each other on and off, both growing up in Blakefield. We always sort of clicked, but never had the opportunity to spend time together. I went to Blakefield High and she went to Prep so different group of friends. Anyway, we met again this fall and found we really got along well." Jenny said "Mmm." Erin knew from experience that Jenny wasn't buying that story but didn't know what else to say. She didn't feel well enough to construct a good lie. For her part, Jenny thought the story didn't add up and wanted to ask more questions and get the rest of it. But she was aware that Erin had been beaten badly and didn't want to further stress her. Just as Erin was about ready to throw herself on Jenny's mercy and say that she was Brian and had been switched into a girl's body, Jenny said "Well, I guess we'll be seeing you in July then." Erin smiled in relief and said, "Yes. See you later." Finally, the hospital processed her paperwork, and for the second time in a week Erin went to find a quiet spot and wait for Mom McLoughlin to pick her up. When she found a spot, she called Mom and told her where she was and asked her to call when she got to the hospital. This time she did not have her tablet to study, nor in fact did she feel much motivation. She was still drained by the experience of the previous day, and her face hurt like the devil, but she was determined she would not let Rex steal her motivation to better herself. She tried to doze, but couldn't, so she got up and wandered the halls of the hospital. People stared at her bruises and black eyes, but she ignored them. She couldn't hide from the world if she was going to take her life back. Finally, she bought a copy of Scientific American in a gift store and sat down and tried to read it. She managed to push through several articles but could not deal with an extremely abstract discussion of string theory, and finally dozed for a while, until her phone rang, and her mom said she was outside the hospital. Erin was happy to be picked up by Mom and Mary. Her daughter, for her part, was delighted to see Erin and just clung to her as close as possible. Erin wondered what would have happened if the switch between Erin and Brian had not happened and Mary had been forced to stay with Rex and the former Erin? What would their relationship be like. Probably not nearly as good. The next day Erin spent the first half of the day trying to regain her focus. Her face still hurt even taking the maximum dose of Aleve. She had used make up her face to cover the bruises as best she could and went to church, just so she wasn't alone. She offered explanations for her appearance when asked but otherwise tried to just take care of Mary and visit friends, most of whom had heard what had happened. She got the name, Sam Black, and address of the football player who had stood up to Rex, so she could send him a thank you. After church she asked her parents to let her off at home before they went out to lunch. But after they had left, she felt terribly vulnerable and went through the house and locked all the doors and windows. That made her feel a little more secure. Then she sat and watched Premier League Soccer replays with Mary nursing and continued after nursing while Mary napped. Eventually Erin decided this was not getting her anywhere and carried Mary upstairs and put her in her basinet and lay down beside her for a while. After she was convinced Mary was fully asleep again, she got up and tried to study. Her English GED was this Thursday, and Erin was determined to pass it. She had to force herself to concentrate at first, but eventually got in the groove and felt she was making progress committing the information to memory. After about an hour, Mary stirred, and Erin got her up and changed her and cleaned her up and came back downstairs. Having made some progress made her feel much better about herself. She sat down and played with Mary for a half hour until her parents got back, then had to undo the deadbolt on the front door to let them in. Her Mom guessed why the deadbolts were engaged and gave her a hug. At that Erin broke down into tears, realizing how scared she had been to be alone. She knew now it would be some time before her sense of security returned. She had a last therapy session with Ed this Tuesday and decided to take advantage of it to talk to him about her fears. For now, she was determined to move on and not let Rex's meanness take her life away. However, she had to consider how to protect herself. She doubted that Rex's enmity would be at the top of his mind for long, considering his lack of focus. But she felt he might try something in the next few weeks. She realized she knew next to nothing about Rex and needed to learn much more just to avoid him. There was only person who she could ask. So, she asked her mom if they could visit LaTesha this weekend. Her mom said yes so Erin called Mrs. Lincoln and asked if she was interested, and Mrs. Lincoln said yes. Then Erin called the prison and left word for LaTesha that they would be there and asked her to make a 10:30 visiting time. She also called the men's prison and asked for a 1:00 PM appointment to visit Brian. They made a tentative appointment but said they would ask him if it was OK. She could call back midweek and confirm. Then Erin called Clara just to talk. She told her about the incident with Rex, but Clara already knew. And Erin told Clara about her conversation with their mother. Clara said their mother had told her it and Clara put two and two together. Then Clara asked "So, how are you feeling?" Erin said "Sore as hell, but I should feel better over the next couple days. The black eyes and bruises will last much longer. I was lucky, and so were Mary and the twins. I managed to keep myself and them from being hurt badly. But only because there was a big guy nearby who was willing to get involved. I'm worried about what Rex might do. I don't know much about him. I don't have a good feel for how I can avoid him or protect myself. This afternoon while my parents were at lunch, I felt so afraid I locked the doors and bolted the windows. I can't live like that. I have to do something. I was thinking of getting a small gun for protection. I would need safety training, and training how to use it. But my best defense is not a gun but knowledge about Rex." Clara, "Mom would not be happy that you might be carrying a gun. You know how she hates them." Erin, "Clara, without a weapon, I am totally helpless. I know Rex would be willing to kill me or any of the babies if he doesn't get what he wants. I'm not willing die without having a chance. And as for learning more about Rex, I know how, and I am going to do it." Clara, "How?" Erin, "the one who knows more about Rex than anybody else is Brian. I am trying to set up a visit with him this weekend and will pump him for as much information as I can get." Clara, "We talked about this before. Can I still go with you? Do you want me to go with you?" Erin, "I would love to have you with me. I would like a second opinion from someone who is smarter than me. But I repeat that you don't want to walk down those halls. The prisoners' comments and catcalls were very intimidating and embarrassing." Clara, "I will be all right, Erin. I can do this. And I want to be involved. And I still think we can help Brian. I can't abandon him." Erin, "I know. I can't either. So, we will leave at 8 AM Saturday." Then Clara said, "Well, I have another thing for you to think about. I'm sorry to bring this up. I know you are hurting and are having a hard time adjusting to being vulnerable to mistreatment by a man. Something most women grow up worrying about by the way, but you didn't and are now having to adjust overnight to being so vulnerable. However, I have to talk to you about this." Erin, "For heaven's sake, what is it?" Clara, "Our mother is very suspicious of our story of why you are in line to be Maid of Honor. We really need to tell her what is going on, Erin." Erin laughed, "I almost told her when we were talking. But I envisioned myself telling her 'I am Brian, but have been switched into a girl, and everything's fine. I'm OK.' It sounds so crazy I couldn't imagine her believing me." Clara laughed too, but said, "You know how smart mom is. When we were growing up, we always thought we were putting so much over on her, but it turned out that she knew everything and intervened when we got too far out of line. Well she is still smart, and she knows something is not right. She will keep digging until she finds something. She won't be able to figure out the truth, because it is so fantastic, but she will come up with something. It would be better to give her the truth, rather than let her come up with some crazy scenario. I think we can make her believe the truth." Erin, "Let me think about that too. When do you think we should talk to her?" Clara, "As soon as possible. Tonight. This weekend. Next week." Erin, "Clara, maybe you are right, but I just can't cope with it right now. Not before next week." Clara, "Just give it some thought, Erin." Then they said their goodbyes. Like always, talking with Clara was thought provoking but comforting for Erin. Erin realized she had decided on at least one thing during the conversation. She picked up Mary and went downstairs and sat down next to her father who was watching a spring training baseball game. After a moment he looked at her and smiled and said, "How are you doing, Kiddo?" She said, "Not so good Daddy. I've been thinking, maybe I should get a gun to carry until Rex is no longer a concern. He scares me. Actually, he terrifies me. I can't live like that. I don't ever want to be helpless and under his control again. And I am afraid he might harm Mary or the twins. We were all lucky the other day. It might be different if it happens again." Erin's father looked at her. Like his wife, he had seen a substantial change in Erin since she had come home. Before that, the thought of her carrying a weapon was very uncomfortable and he wouldn't have encouraged her in any way. But now, maybe. Then he said, "You know carrying a gun is no light decision. I can't be a party to you doing anything that is dangerous to anyone else. You would have to pass a gun safety class and would have to show me you know what you are doing before I would be comfortable even considering it." Erin, "I know Daddy. I don't want to be a danger to anyone else. And I would be willing to do everything that has to be done so it is safe. But I need to be able to protect myself and my children if it comes to that." Dad, "OK, let's talk to Fran when she gets home." Erin spent the rest of the afternoon just being with her daughter. She bathed her and nursed and spent over an hour just talking to her and walking with her. This seemed to help her deal with the trauma she had undergone. At about 4:00 her mother came and asked "Hey, sweetheart, do you wanted to go to the store with me?" Erin, "Sure, it would be nice to get out." As they were going, she asked her mom, "What did I used to like to eat in high school that I don't eat now Mom?" Her mom said "You used to subsist on energy bars, cookies and sweets, and chips. Energy bars or sweet cereal for breakfast, energy bars and pop for lunch, chips or cookies in the afternoon, and energy bars for dinner, maybe some meat and potatoes if I could force them into you. I'm glad you have decided to eat better. It's a lot better for you and I suspect it is better for Mary. Although you should eat more. Maybe we should have a few of the better energy bars around for you." Erin knew her mother was still worried about her weight loss, although Erin had been eating bigger meals and daily fruit snacks since she had started taking the budesonide, and her weight seemed stable now. She estimated she was eating 1800 calories per day. Erin had tried eating more but started feeling the gut discomfort again. She hoped she could eventually get up to 2000 calories per day as the budesonide took hold and the twins grew. She had in the back of her mind to talk to her OB/GYN doctor about it next appointment. Erin said, "Brian, the guy at the prison, asked me to bring him some food he likes. I was talking to Clara today and she knows him from high school. She says he would like junk food. So, I was going to pick up some stuff I used to like since from what I've heard he would like the same stuff. Can we get a bag of what I used to eat to take to the prison for him?" Alarm bells went off in mom's head. "You are going to visit that guy again. Why, Erin? You were furious at him and frustrated last time? Why would you repeat the process? And you are hurt and sore, so why right now?" Erin, "Clara said he has lost his family and is basically all alone. I feel sorry for anyone who has had that happen. Besides, Clara wants to come with us and see him. They knew each other fairly well in high school. Apparently, he was much different then. She is sure the former Brian will come out if she is there." That only slightly mollified Mom. The idea of voluntarily walking down a hallway where convicts would insult and proposition you to visit a guy who was selfish and self-involved and did not appear to be interested in changing was not high on mom's list of good ways to spend time on a Saturday afternoon. On the other she had gotten to like LaTesha and Mrs. Lincoln and would enjoy seeing them again, and she would like to get to know this Clara better. Erin had said nothing but nice things about her. Plus, she was open to any halfway reasonable request from her daughter, whom she had never stopped loving and loved more and more nowadays. "OK Erin, I'll get a bag of what you used to eat for Brian, but I'll also get some more healthy snacks for you to have around." Erin, "Thanks Mom, I love you." Mom, "I love you too Erin, but sometimes you drive me crazy." Erin, "Sorry, Mom, I can't help it." They arrived at the grocery store and went in and did their shopping, just enjoying each other's and Mary's company. Erin remembered to get a Thank You Card for the Football Player who stood up for her when Rex was threatening her and Mary. She also spotted a new Discover Magazine and bought it to pass the time. When she got out to the car, her mother said, "Who is the Thank You Card for, Erin?" Erin said, "On Friday, one of the guys who helped me in the burger place, a football player at Blakefield High, wouldn't allow Rex to drag me and Mary off. If he had not been there and been willing to step up, Rex could have done whatever he wanted to me, no matter how hard I fought. A thank you card is not enough to express how grateful I am, but it is something." Her mom said, "You're right. I think it is a good thing to do. But maybe you could also put an acknowledgement in our neighborhood newspaper, or the school newspaper." Erin, "Maybe that would be a good idea, although I wouldn't want to embarrass him. I'll talk to Debbie about it. She might know him." Then she said, "Mom, I am considering getting a gun to carry when I'm out by myself. I am terrified that Rex will come after me again. I don't want to be helpless and alone with him again. I was lucky that the Football Player was around last Friday. I might not be so lucky again. I talked to Dad about it. He and I and Fran are going to talk this evening." Mom, "I'm sorry it has come to this Erin. But maybe it's a reasonable idea. Rex is dangerous and unstable. Dad and I knew it before you left. I'm glad you realize it now. What in the hell did you ever see in him anyway?" Erin, "I don't know Mom, I don't know." When they got home, Erin helped her mom with dinner and then sat and watched sports with her father while they waited for Fran to come home. It was time for March Madness and the Gonzaga Bulldogs were in the NCAA Tournament. Somehow her father was an avid Gonzaga fan, even though nobody in the family had ever attended college. Erin had never been much of a basketball fan but had played enough as Brian that she knew the basics. So, she was able to make occasional intelligent comments. Her father was a little surprised but appreciated having a fellow viewer. Fran got home at 6:30 and showered and the family finally ate at 7:00. They said their prayers, thanked Erin's mom for dinner, and exchanged stories of their last few days. Erin always made a point of asking Fran about her boyfriend and how things were going. As Brian, she had enjoyed a close relationship with Clara growing up, and really wanted a close relationship with Fran. It was difficult for her to ask intelligent questions about a relationship from the woman's point of view, but she tried and sometimes got it right. (Although she could feel herself shifting and becoming more feminine all the time, she still had a lot of male engineering nerd left in her.) And Erin was always positive in her comments about Fran and her boyfriend, which made Fran feel it was safe for her to share. For her part, Fran appeared to enjoy finally having a friendship with her sister. There were not many women on the force. So, Fran had few people she with whom could share feelings about her relationship and enjoyed that Erin cared and was willing to talk. She may have been a tough cop and authority figure, but that did not make her any less a young woman in love. Finally, Erin mentioned to Fran that she was considering getting a gun for protection and would be interested in her opinion. Fran said, "Hmm. Officially, the department position is that having a weapon is more likely to cause a problem than provide protection. But I have seen women save themselves using a weapon. If you pass a safety course, and if you get thoroughly trained, and most of all if you talk to the right people so you know when to bring out the weapon out and when not, I would encourage it. Rex is a total jerk and would have no compunctions about hurting you or Mary. That was clear on Friday. A gun might provide the edge that keeps you alive." Erin said, "So do you have any recommendation for a gun. And a gun safety class. Do I need a permit from the police?" Fran, "You are dependent on your parents, so, you must have Mom or Dad's permission and you must have a permit to carry. You must pass a safety course before you can get that permit. That is not optional. I will look into our files and see what the department recommends for guns for women and for safety classes and give you the information tomorrow." Erin said thanks and they went on to other topics of conversation. After helping Mom clean up after dinner, Erin called Debbie and apologized for not calling earlier. Then she said, "Debbie, I feel OK and am happy to care for Jeremy as usual this week." Debbie said, "Thank You Erin. I was hoping so. I tried to pin my mother down, but she won't commit. Just says she might be able to arrange it. And Sarah can't do Monday." Erin, "So your father will pick me up as usual." Debbie, "Yeah. I'll remind him. Thank God he is willing to help." Erin, "One thing. I am nervous about being alone and plan to keep the house locked up tight during the day. But I will be there and can let anyone in if need be." Debbie, "That's certainly reasonable. No problem, I'm sure. I will tell my parents." Erin added, "One final thing, I am sending Sam Black a thank you card for being willing to step up and help me. I think I should also thank the other two guys and Chris, although Sam was the critical one. Could you get me names and addresses? And mom suggested I send an acknowledgement to the paper identifying them. What do you think? Would that embarrass the guys?" Debbie, "I actually think it's a great idea. I'll get you names and address tomorrow." Then they said goodnight. Although her face was still very sore, Erin felt much better than she had this morning. She had started off struggling to get keep her courage up and merely function, and through determination she had made progress on her studies and put together a plan as to how to move forward to protect herself and her family. The next day Erin returned to her normal routine, caring for two babies. Debbie's family was not so sure after they saw her face. But Erin insisted she was ready. She actually looked forward to taking care of Jeremy and Mary. They were both very loving and sweet and when she nursed them she felt a strong sense of connection, strongest with Mary but strong with Jeremy too. But she could see a huge difference in their personalities. Aside from effects of the trauma, which were receding quickly, Mary was happy, self-confident, and truly enjoyed being around people and animals. When someone spoke to her, she beamed and was starting to babble back. Jeremy was shy and seemed to want to disappear from view when someone unknown was there. When forced into a situation which was too noisy or disruptive, he was prone to panic and start crying. Erin wondered if it was just age but seemed to never remember Mary being as shy as Jeremy. Of course, she had no memories of Mary under 1 month at all. But she seemed to remember that at 2 months Mary was basically the same confident, happy baby she was today. Mary's only real quirk was being afraid to get her body in water, and Erin could well imagine that being a result of a traumatic incident. It didn't matter. Erin was used to giving her sponge baths. And she was sure that fear would go away as Mary got older. After the Silvers left, the first thing Erin did was go around the house and lock all windows and deadbolt the doors. But with that done, the day was routine. Erin dedicated her spare time to preparing for Thursday's GED exam. She went over her notes and reviewed an essay she had paid to have graded. The grade was good, but the comments provided information on how to do better. She listed them out and committed them to memory. Then she went and took another English GED practice test. She got 98 of 100 on the multiple choice. She went to the payment page and provided her Master Card number for $30 for grading the essays. The page said they would be available Wednesday. Cutting it a little close, but still worth another chance to review procedures. When she got home that night, she managed to get in another hour of study. In addition, Erin asked her mother if she would care for Mary Wednesday from after dinner to bed time, so she could do some more studying, and her mother agreed. Erin decided she had a great mother and was determined to someday be as good. Fran brought home some information on a gun class and on gun permits for minors for Erin to consider after dinner. Erin went ahead and filled in the permitting application but couldn't submit it until she passed a safety class. She selected a safety class that would be given the 2nd Saturday in April, filled out an on-line application, and provided her MC number for payment. Fran said she would let Erin borrow her personal revolver for the class. She took Erin up to her room and got it out for her. Erin was amazed. Fran had over 20 weapons of various types and calibers locked away in her room. If necessary, she might be able to hold off a platoon of enemy troops. Fran said Erin should hold onto the revolver until the class and got Erin's agreement to go to a shooting range one evening early next week so Fran could give her a hands on lesson on safely shooting the revolver. Unsaid was the suggestion that Erin start carrying now, but Erin knew Fran was risking her job and declined to take possession before being permitted. However, Fran insisted on giving Erin a briefing on how to unlock and shoot the revolver. Then she made sure the trigger lock was secure and put it in her weapons locker and put the key to the locker on the top shelf of her closet as Erin watched, and then handed Erin a duplicate trigger lock key and said there was a key to her room on the casing above her door if Erin ever needed to get in. The meaning was clear but unspoken. If Erin was in danger, there it was. The whole process was nerve-wracking, although Erin was touched that Fran was willing to put herself out for her sister's safety. Tuesday Erin had to leave Debbie's early for her last drug-counseling session. The first thing the therapist saw was the bruises and black eyes. In actual fact, the soreness was decreasing quickly, so Erin told him she looked much worse than she was. As planned, she talked about her experiences the previous Friday and how it scared the hell out of her and asked for suggestions. She also told him about wanting to carry a gun when alone and vulnerable. Ed didn't pretend to have all the answers and led her and her mother through a chain of reasoning that convinced Erin that she was doing the right thing. At the end, he said he had to fill out a detailed questionnaire about how Erin was coping without drugs and how she felt about being drug free in order to certify that she had completed drug therapy. This took some time and extended the session for almost an hour. Then he shook her hand, said he felt she would be able to stay clean, said he had enjoyed working with her and her mother and said she was welcome to come back and talk if she ever felt she needed help. On, impulse, Erin hugged him goodbye and thanked him for his many kindnesses and wished him the best. And started crying. Why had she done that? She had never been the hugging or crying type before. But she had been overcome emotionally by the end of an episode in her life, and just reacted without analyzing it. When they got home, her mother called a local Italian restaurant and ordered pizza for dinner since it was so late. Erin said she would stay home while mom was gone and see if Mary needed changing or feeding. As soon as mom left, Erin realized she was alone and in terror rushed around and locked all the windows and doors. Then she could turn her attention to Mary and found that she needed both changing and feeding. Erin was sitting in the living room nursing when her mother knocked on the door. She went to the door, looked out the peephole and saw mom, and opened the deadbolt. She apologized, but her mother hugged her and said "That's OK Erin, I understand. And it is a wise precaution. I love you." For the second time today, Erin teared up and said, "I love you too mom," and hugged her mother back. Where was all this crying and hugging coming from? A moment later Mary expressed her discontent with having her meal interrupted and Erin went back to the couch where she had safely walled Mary in with pillows and picked her up and resumed nursing. The connection with Mary she felt when nursing as well as her mother's love made Erin feel happy and content for the first time since Friday. After dinner, Erin called Clara and reminded her the visit to Brian was on Saturday and asked her if she could come to her home at 7:30. Clara said she would. Then Erin sat down with Mary in her lap and went over her planner, insuring everything for the next couple of weeks was noted. Finally, she spent an hour playing and walking with Mary until she was tired enough to put to sleep. Mary was growing fast and needed less sleep and was more active all the time. She was starting to try to roll over and crawl around and whenever Erin left her for a second, had to be meticulous about securing her safely. And Mary was more reluctant to go to sleep when Erin felt she was ready. So, Erin wound up spending almost a half hour laying with her and talking and singing to her before she fell asleep. She noted her mother open the door and look for several minutes as Erin was getting Mary to sleep. When Erin got up and got herself ready for bed, her mom came in and said hi and told her they had made sure the house was secure. Erin thanked her and without thought hugged her again. She was starting to accept that this was now normal for her. He mom said, "Erin, when did you learn to sing so well? I heard you with Mary and that was very pretty." Erin said, uncomfortable with the lie, "I just picked it up. I love singing to Mary." She wasn't going to mention her years in choir or school music lessons or her time in a Country-Western band as Brian. Then she took the opportunity to tell her mom that Clara would be here at 7:30 on Saturday. Her mom said, "That's not necessary. I am happy to pick her up Erin. Call her back and tell her that." Erin said she would, but she was not sure she was ready to see the house she had grown up in yet. The next day was once again a normal day of childcare for Erin. Again, the first thing she did after everyone at Debbie's left was lock the windows and deadbolt the doors. She was pretty good now at taking care of two babies at the same time and getting them to sleep at the same time so she at noon she had a whole hour to herself and spent the time studying. Then she was surprised that Debbie got home a few minutes early. Debbie gave her the names and addresses of all the other boys involved in last Friday's events, which was good, but relayed a rumor that Rex was still around and was determined to get Erin back, which made Erin fearful again. Erin immediately went out and locked and deadbolted the front door that she had opened for Debbie. Debbie asked if that was necessary and Erin said "Rex has no respect for girls and might come in if he knew it was only the two of us. He is really dangerous, Debbie. You need to protect yourself too, and make sure there are other people around you at all times." Erin could see this shook Debbie up, which was good, fear motivated being careful, which could save either of their lives. That evening, Erin told her parents that Rex may be around and asked her dad to stay home from the club, which he agreed to. Erin noticed him put a gun on the top bookcase shelf. Then she put her fears aside. While mom cared for Mary, Erin logged onto the GED site and found that she had scored 90% on her previous practice essay. Then she went carefully over the problems noted by the grader with her writing, made a new list of steps for writing stories and essays, and committed it to memory. She also looked at the errors she had made on the multiple-choice section of the tests form Monday, just to make sure she knew where she had gone wrong. Finally, she went over her study notes again. When done, she had gotten two solid hours of study. She felt ready for the English GED test, but was determined to go over it again if possible to insure she wasn't missing anything. Later that evening she got a call from Debbie asking if she could take care of Jeremy Thursday after all. Debbie promised to be home as soon as possible so Erin could study. Originally, Erin had asked for that day off to study. But she felt confident enough that she was willing to accommodate Debbie, whose mother had bailed on her again. The next day was almost anticlimactic. Erin got to Debbie's and soon Debbie and her sister and her parents were gone, and Erin again locked and deadbolted all doors and windows. The babies were very good about going to sleep at the same time and Erin got another hour of study in. And Debbie was true to her word and came home early. Erin noticed that Chris was with her. Chris and Debbie took over care for Jeremy and even offered to take over care for Mary for a while. Erin gratefully said yes and got a last hour of review. Then Debbie's dad arrived and gave Erin and Mary a ride home. She thanked him and went in and helped her mom with dinner, and while they were waiting for Dad and Fran, she changed Mary and found she wanted to nurse. When Mary was done, Erin took her downstairs and they had dinner and then it was almost 6:30 and time to leave. Erin changed Mary again and met mom at the front door and they went to the community college to take the test. The same proctor she had worked with earlier was there and greeted her and looked at her face and asked what had happen? She gave a brief explanation and said she felt much better than she looked. He said he doubted that very much. Then Erin asked how he was doing and got a "OK" answer. There were four test takers there this evening, but Erin was the only one doing the English GED. While waiting to start, she gossiped with the others, two girls and a boy. One of the girls was about to do the math test, which she was dreading because she had always hated math. Erin tried to encourage her by saying she would be fine, just relax and think about each question. She told her as much as she remembered about the structure of the test, and but didn't bother trying to remember specifics about questions because the computer selected different question sets each test. The boy and other girl were doing the social sciences test. Then it was time to start and Erin told them all good luck and focused on her station alone. She did the multiple choice first and finished it in 40 minutes and started on the essays and story. She worked on the essay for 30 minutes, reading the source material quickly and taking notes, and then taking 15 minutes to put together a 500-word essay. She had planned to take no more than half an hour on the essay, and felt that she had done a credible job, so she was comfortable moving onto the short story. Erin looked at the six possible story topics, three obviously intended for girls and three for boys. She quickly decided to write on one of the boy's topics, car repair, not because it was more interesting to her but because she knew something about it. She just didn't feel she had as much personal knowledge about the girls' topics. So, she wrote a quick story about restoring a classic '57 Chevrolet and what she had had to do to find the parts and how challenging the interior had been. When she was done she felt it was a credible effort and was satisfied. She still had 10 minutes left. She had marked which of the multiple- choice questions were in doubt and went over them again and changed one answer. She was editing the essay for style and grammar when time expired. Whew, that was the hardest GED test yet. After a few minutes the proctor gave them their grades for the sections of the test that could be graded by computer. Erin got 98 of 100 correct. She needed 42 more points on the essay and story to pass. But she couldn't get the grades until tomorrow. Then Erin went out and found her mom and Mary sitting together and her mom was reading to Mary and showing her pictures. Mary was smiling at the pictures, seeming to recognize some, and imitating mom as well as she could. The looked like they were having a wonderful time, and Erin took a quick picture with her cell phone. She decided to get some books so she could start reading to Mary too. Erin told mom how she did and said that she was sure she passed. She had to score 70% to pass and was sure she would get at least 42 points out of the 80 points available on the essay and story. She would call and find out tomorrow.