Swapped Life, Chapters 16 - 18 free porn video

A SWAPPED LIFE, Chapters 16 - 18 A young male engineer goes to an engineering conference and gets swapped with a teen unwed mother who did not finish high school. Story discusses how the new woman makes new friends, and copes with motherhood, her new parents and sister, her former boyfriend, and eventually with love and marriage. Story also discusses the struggles of the new man, whose family and educational background did not give him the tools to fit into the world of men, and of his eventual redemption. This is my first attempt to write fiction. I have found it much more challenging than I expected. I am grateful for constructive criticism. This is the sixth part of A SWAPPED LIFE and covers chapters 16 - 18. In the first part, in chapter 1 I introduced the original Brian and his family. Brian is a small and easy-going guy, but intelligent and strong willed. He is a civil engineer and works for a consulting company and is attending a conference in Eugene and giving a paper. In chapter 2, Brian encounters a very large man, Rex, abusing his girlfriend, Erin, and their daughter, Mary, in the halls of his hotel. Brian calls him on it, but no good deed goes unpunished and Rex beats Brian up and steals his wallet. Later that night, Brian wakes up as Erin being taunted by Rex . Rex throws Erin out of the room with their baby and she finds Erin who has been swapped into Brian's body. Chapter 3 discusses their early interactions. Erin finds she feels a magical connection with the baby Mary, and she becomes determined to give her a loving upbringing. And Erin gives the engineering paper that the old Brian had prepared. The two of them decide to return to Blakefield, the town where they both grew up. In the second part, in chapter 4, Erin and Brian return to Blakefield and the new Erin decides to go into detox and tries to get Brian's sister Clara to help him, but she won't believe the story of Brian and Erin swapping. In desperation, the new Erin begs the old Erin's parents to pay for detox, without telling them anything about the swap. In chapter 5, Erin's parents allow her to move home and she meets Fran, a Blakefield police officer, who hated the old Erin. Fran shows her antipathy in various ways. In chapter 6, Erin's parents send her to a detox program, which she finishes. While there, Erin makes friends with a girl named LaTesha In the third part, Erin returns home and slowly makes progress improving her relationships with her parents and with Fran. She also starts working on her GED so she can get a good job in order to support Mary. She finds along the way that the old Erin had made a lot of enemies. She makes another new friend at church, Debbie. Then Brian reenters the new Erin's life and causes more trouble. Nevertheless, Erin remains determined to get her high school GED so she can support Mary. In the fourth part, Erin discovers that the past fights of the former Erin with her sister-in-law have made her unwelcome at the family's Thanksgiving dinner. So she uses the time to study for the GED, but a last-minute decision by her sister-in-law allows her to meet her extended family. After Thanksgiving, Erin discovers she is pregnant. She has a quiet Christmas and New Year. She goes to a girl's night out with Clara and briefly sees her previous best friend Tony. After New Year, she takes the second GED Test and decides to keep the baby that is the result of her last encounter with Brian. In the fifth part, Chapters 13 - 15, Erin proposes a report documentation project at Pederson's Construction, and carries it out over a few weeks in January. At the same time, she makes another good friend, and helps Debbie while her baby is being born. In February Erin starts being a daytime sitter and wet nurse for Debbie's child while Debbie goes back to high school. Erin also finds out Latesha is in Girls' Detention and contacts her to arrange for a visit. In March, Erin visits Latesha a couple of times at the detention center, which is on the same grounds as a men's prison. During the second visit, Erin finds out that Brian is incarcerated, and goes to see him. During the same period, Erin has been having trouble eating and her mother talks her into telling her OBGYN, who determines that she is not eating enough for her unborn children and admits her to the hospital. While there, Erin meets an old high school pal named Jesse, who participated in some of the former Erin's hi-jinks. Near the end of the month, Erin takes and passes her third GED test, and encounter's Rex again. Characters Brian-->Erin An accomplished young male engineer with some struggles and insecurities. He tries to help a woman being abused by a very large man and is then swapped with that woman. Erin --> Brian A troubled young woman who never finished high school and who is transgendered. In spite of gender issues, she wound up getting involved with a troubled young man and having his baby. She is swapped with Brian. Clara Sister of Brian. She is social worker and is a very accomplished young woman and was her brother's close friend. Jenny Mother of Brian. She is an administrator at a local hospital and was very close to Brian and Clara. Peter Father of Brian. He is a professor of mathematics and was also very close to Brian and Clara. Mary Baby Daughter of Erin. She turns out sweet tempered and loving despite being neglected by the original Erin Mom (Mary) Mother of Erin. She is an office manager for a construction firm. She has some flaws and had a rough relationship with the original Erin, but eventually turns out to play a positive role. Dad (Bart) Loving father of Erin. He is a construction worker. Fran Sister of Erin. She is a police officer. She and the old Erin hated each other. She makes the new Erin's life miserable at first, but eventually they become friends. Latesha Friend Erin makes in a drug detox program. LaTesha was a very promising student in high school but was pulled into the world of drugs by her boyfriend and winds up spending about a year in youth detention. Debbie Friend Erin makes attending church. She is a high school student and an unwed mother. Her mother has rejected her for engaging in unmarried sex. Ginni Friend Erin makes doing a contracting job. She works for Erin's Mom and wants a career in finance. Jesse Close friend of the old Erin. She also becomes a friend of the new Erin, even though the two Erins are very different. Jesse was the original Erin's partner in many pranks and just barely graduates high school, but she is determined to succeed in life and is attending culinary school and also wants to also establish herself as a photographer. Tony Close friend of the old Brian and an excellent musician. After a failed marriage, he is raising his two sons by himself. He is asked to provide music at Clara's wedding. Index: CHAPTER 1. OCTOBER, BRIAN AND FAMILY CHAPTER 2. EUGENE, THE SWITCH CHAPTER 3. IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE SWITCH. CHAPTER 4. BLAKEFIELD, AFTER THE SWITCH. CHAPTER 5. ERIN MOVES HOME, FRAN'S ANTIPATHY CHAPTER 6. DETOX, MEETING LATESHA CHAPTER 7. NOVEMBER, ERIN HOME AGAIN CHAPTER 8. MEETING DEBBIE, THE WATER LEAK, REINSTATEMENT AT THE COMMUNITY CENTER CHAPTER 9. THE RAPE, FIRST GED TEST CHAPTER 10. THANKSGIVING CHAPTER 11. DECEMBER, PREGNANCY TEST, CHRISTMAS, SEEING TONY CHAPTER 12. JANUARY, SECOND GED TEST, DECIDING TO KEEP THE BABY CHAPTER 13. JANUARY, PROJECT AT PETERSONS, MEETING GINNI, HELPING DEBBIE CHAPTER 14. FEBRUARY, CARING FOR JEREMY, CONTACTING LATESHA CHAPTER 15. MARCH, VISITING LATESHA, GETTING SICK, MEETING JESSE, VISITING BRIAN, ENCOUNTER WITH REX, THIRD GED TEST CHAPTER 16. APRIL, REX'S ASSAULT, MEMORY LOSS, TELLING JENNY, VISITING BRIAN AGAIN, TESTIFYING, GOLF CHAPTER 17. MAY, VISITING A SPIRITUALIST, BRIDESMAIDS NIGHT OUT, TALKING TO TONY, PRESENTING THE GED, LAST GED TEST, VISIT TO NOLA CHAPTER 18. JUNE, DAN's BBQ, GED GRADUATION ADDRESS, DEBBY'S SENIOR SNEAK, DEBBY AND JESSE'S GRADUATION Chapter 16. APRIL, REX'S ASSAULT, MEMORY LOSS, TELLING JENNY, VISITING BRIAN AGAIN, TESTIFYING, GOLF Friday started out routinely. Erin called the GED office and got her score on the GED. She had lost 5 points for a grammar error on her story, so her total score was 96.5%. The woman she talked to congratulated her and said they had been surprised a girl had chosen the car repair topic. But when they read the story, the detail on the appearance of the interior fit a girl very well. Erin was not sure what to think but decided to just go with it. If they wanted to think the story sounded like it had a feminine author, why should she complain. Later that evening she called Clara and told her that Mom had said she was willing to come get her tomorrow if she preferred. Clara was happy to be picked up because her car was having some car problems. Erin got home a little late and Mom was already there, working on dinner. Erin said hi and went upstairs to change Mary. She lay Mary on the bed and completed the change and took the diaper into the bathroom to put it in the disinfecting fluid, and heard a loud thump, and then absolute silence. Maybe her mother dropped something. But when something like that happened, her mother would always shout something like "horse feathers". Now Erin didn't hear a thing. It was creepy, and Erin was frightened enough that she decided to go to Fran's room and retrieve the revolver. So, she found the room key on the casing, let herself in and reached up into the closet and grabbed the revolver. But she needed the trigger lock and went back to her room but couldn't find it in the nightstand. So, she got on her knees dig for it in the drawer. She finally found it out and inserted it in the trigger lock and opened it, but before she could get it set, Rex burst into the room. Erin quickly put the revolver underneath one of Mary's blankets that had fallen on the floor. She didn't have time to bring it up and figure out how to aim it at Rex. Rex took two steps into the room and wrapped his arm around her throat and squeezed until Erin almost passed out. Erin struggled at first but when it was apparent she was not able to breath, she collapsed and remained motionless. This was what Rex wanted, because it made Erin realize she was helpless. Then he loosened his hold on her throat a little and said, "Hey bitch, I told you we weren't done." Erin was terrified and croaked. "What have you done to my Mom?" Rex, "No need to worry, she is tied up nice and tight is all. She'll survive, maybe. But if you don't cooperate, a lot worse will happen. Like I said, you and I are going on the road again, just the two of us. Leave the stupid little brat here. It will just be us, and we will have a good time like before the brat. But before we leave, I have some needs that you are going to take care of?" Erin trembled and tried to speak, but he had tightened his hold on her throat again. She pointed at it and he loosened his hold again. She asked, "What needs? What do you want me to do Rex?" Rex said, "Remember when you used to make me happy? Well it's been a long time and I'm really horny. Don't you want to make me happy again, Erin?" Erin was terrified and said, "Yes, Rex?" Rex, "Well then get on your knees and do what I like you to do for the first course." She tried to move but he still held her throat, and she pointed at it. He laughed and released her, and she gasped for air and fell back a bit, closer to the revolver. Rex motioned her to get on her knees in front of him, but she got on her knees right where she was. As she had hoped, he was impatient and came to her. She reached up and undid his belt and zipped down his jeans and pulled them down a little. She didn't have to fondle him much, he was already hard. She reached up with her left hand and grasped his member and directed it into her mouth and licked it with the tip of her tongue. He told her, "Remember if I feel anything other than your lips or tongue, I'll break your skull. Now suck." She tried to slowly get the entire member in her mouth, but it was too big, so she bobbed up and down on it with her lips locked. Then she pretended to reposition herself to get a better angle and put her right hand on the ground under the blanket and pulled out the revolver in as natural a motion as possible. She used her left hand to put the member back in her mouth and looked up at his face as best she could. He smiled, "That's right bitch, look up at your man." Then he closed his eyes to enjoy the experience. She slowly moved the revolver to aim it behind his balls, so she wouldn't accidently shoot herself, and pulled the trigger. The gun went off and she heard him curse and then quickly felt a crushing blow on the left side of her face from his right fist. She rebounded away and rolled back and hit the back of her head on the hard base of the mattress. Her vision clouded up and she struggled to stay conscious and to keep hold of the revolver. She was face down on the floor and rolled back, expecting to feel his hands on her neck again at any time. Her vision was still cloudy, so she aimed the revolver in the direction she remembered him at a moment ago and shot again. She heard him cry out. She shot again but heard nothing. Then she willed her vision to clear and surprisingly it did a little. Erin saw nothing. But she heard strangled moans a few feet away and pushed herself up with her elbow on the bed. Rex was lying in a pool of blood holding his groin. Erin slowly got up, keeping the revolver pointed at him. She was woozy and disoriented, so it took a moment to feel well enough to move. She felt like hurling but that would have left her vulnerable so with difficulty she squelched the feeling. Erin walked around the end of the bed, keeping the revolver in her right hand pointed at Rex, and slowly picked up Mary in her left arm and unsteadily walked around Rex. Rex said, "Help me Erin. I'm bleeding and need help." Erin knew better. Even wounded, Rex was capable of killing her with his bare hands if he got a hold of her. She said, "Fuck you Rex. If you move toward me, I'll shoot you again." She wondered if she should shoot him again, just to make sure she and Mary were safe, but it wasn't in her to shoot a helpless person. So, she just got past him and painfully and unsteadily walked out to the hallway, almost stumbling several times. She again willed her vision to clear and the fog lifted slightly. She thought she might fall if she just walked down the stairs, so she shifted the revolver to her left hand pointed away from Mary and in the air, so she couldn't accidently shoot anyone. Then she grasped the railing with her right hand and clambered slowly downstairs, terrified at what she might find there. She didn't trust a word that Rex said and wouldn't have been surprised if Mom had been dead. But she got downstairs and found her mother hogtied on the floor, with ropes from hands and feet secured to two heavy pieces of furniture. A washcloth was stuffed in her mouth. Erin tried to sit beside her, but almost fell on the floor. She rolled over and looked at the stairs again, and then dropped the revolver, sat Mary down, and managed to get the washcloth out of her mother's mouth. Her mother gasped, half asphyxiated. Erin started to try to untie her, but her mother said, "Call 911 Erin." Erin looked at her without comprehension. She was slowly losing the struggle to remain conscious. Her mother said, "Erin. Get the phone from the table and call 911. Slowly Erin realized what she had to do, and painfully got up and found the phone, more by memory and feel than sight, and came back and again almost fell beside her mother and sat and stared stupidly at the phone. Her mother realized for the first time that Erin was badly hurt and said "Erin. Erin baby, dial 911 and put the phone by my mouth." Erin fought back unconsciousness again and dialed 911 and held the phone by her mother's mouth. Soon her mother was saying something into the phone that Erin only partly comprehended. "Help. This is Mary McLoughlin. 105 N Evergreen. I need help. My daughter is hurt. Her boyfriend forced his way in and she shot him. I need help." Then Erin dropped the phone. Then there was a sound from upstairs of someone moving around. Erin frantically searched around on the floor for the revolver and got it and leaned back against the sofa and aimed it at the stairs. All this time Mary was screaming her head off in terror. As fragile and sick as Erin felt at that moment, she could not ignore her child. She crawled over to Mary and sat beside her comforting her as best she could with one hand and aiming the revolver at the stairs with the other. Finally, Erin heard a siren and a moment later the police came in, cautiously, guns raised, and told Erin "Drop your gun!". She just stared up the stairs uncomprehendingly. The officer aimed his gun at Erin and said, "Drop the gun, I said." Erin sat there, not moving. Finally, her mom said, "Erin, honey, put the gun down. The police are here. We're safe." Erin slowly put the gun on the floor, aimed away from everybody. The officer kicked it a few feet away and grabbed Erin and forced her on her stomach and cuffed her hands behind her in one swift move. Mary started crying loudly again. The officer asked Erin's mom, "Where is the boyfriend?" Mrs. McLoughlin said, "Upstairs. Can you untie me, so I can attend to my granddaughter?" They ignored her and slowly moved upstairs with guns raised until they encountered Rex. They found Rex on the landing, bleeding but still alive, cursing Erin incessantly. He told them they were innocently engaging in consensual sex and she was sucking him off but had grabbed a gun in the midst of that and shot him. The police didn't necessarily believe him, but they took his statement and tried to insure he didn't bleed to death. That was their job. Once they secured the house, they untied Erin's mom and took a statement while she tried to comfort Mary. They looked up the owners of record of the house and verified that Mom was one of them, and that Erin was her daughter and Mary her granddaughter. They also verified that Rex was not a family member and did not live here. Then a medic 1 team came in and treated Rex and took him to the hospital. Based on Mom's statement the police determined that Rex should be held for investigation and dispatched someone to the hospital to make sure he was not released. As soon as mom finished her statement, she begged the officers to release her daughter. Mom thought she might be hurt. Erin was still laying on her stomach on the floor. They took the cuffs off her. By this time, she was totally unconscious and had wretched on the rug, but the officers did not know it yet. One officer rolled her over, and said "Maam, Can I ask you some questions?" No Answer. Then he said "Maam." Again, no answer. He shook her. No response. Then he slapped her on the face, not hard but hard enough that she would react if she could. No Response. Finally, he pinched her earlobe hard. Again, no response. So, he got out a small flashlight and opened her eyes and moved the flashlight back and forth. Her eyes did not track at all. He briefly shown it directly into her eye, and the eye remained dilated. "Dammit," he said. He screamed at his partner that they needed another Medic, ASAP. It took 17 minutes for another Medic unit to reach the McLoughlin house. All that time the officers were using their limited medical knowledge to try to revive Erin. When they arrived, the medics came in and one checked Erin over quickly and then one told the other to get the porter, stat. That was available in less than a minute. In seconds, they had her on it, with an IV and a heart monitor connected and were wheeling it out to the ambulance. As they left, one was on the phone to St. Mary's hospital emergency room, saying they had a probable head injury coming in. All this time, no one had said a word to Mom, who was standing there, sobbing and trying to comfort Mary. After Erin was gone, the officers asked if Mrs. McLoughlin was alone. She said no, her husband should be home soon. They called him for her and told him briefly what had happened. He said he was on his way and would be there in 15 minutes. They asked mom if she wanted a social worker to come and sit with her. She said "No, my husband will be here soon. Could you call my other daughter for me?" That's when they found out that they were at the home of Officer Fran McLoughlin, and that they had just let her pregnant sister lay, handcuffed, on the floor, unconscious, for over 15 minutes, and had not insisted that the first set of medics check her over before they left. Double Dammit. The Medics rushed Erin into the ER and the staff doctors called a neurologist in to do an evaluation. He called for an immediate cat scan of the head to look for small fractures or internal bleeding. None were found, but they did find some evidence of swelling of the brain. The neurologist concluded that she probably had a severe concussion, and immediately put her on an IV with a non osmotic diuretic. He put her in intensive care, so she had immediate access to supportive therapy if necessary and ordered constant monitoring of the swelling and notified the on-call neurosurgeon that they had a patient that might need his services. As it happened, Erin was being treated in the emergency room within 10 feet of Rex , who was not mortally wounded and, although in considerable pain, was conscious and aware. He saw Erin come in and heard the neurologist discussing the case with nurses. Rex understood enough to know that Erin was badly hurt. Although he wasn't a stupid man, Rex was monumentally self-absorbed and unaware of the feelings of others, having been told constantly during his youth as a star athlete how special he was, and having a wealthy father who always bailed him out of trouble and blamed everyone but his son. So, when Erin was laying in the emergency room waiting to be transported to intensive care, Rex called out loudly "Hey bitch. I knew I clocked you good. I hope you die, cunt." Unfortunately for Rex, there were several nurses within earshot, as well as the police officer dispatched to keep track of him. They were uniformly offended by that comment and remembered it well. Erin's parents and Mary arrived at the hospital 45 minutes after the ambulance. They immediately went to the emergency room and tried to find Erin, but she wasn't there. The visitor contact had trouble finding her in the records and had to call one of the attendings. That attending was not available for another half hour. Finally, they sorted it out and he told them Erin was in intensive care. So, Erin's parents rushed up there and were told that they couldn't go in, no visitors after 8 PM. They would have to come back tomorrow. Then they tried to ask what was wrong and were told that they would have to see the staff neurologist who admitted her to get any information. He would be in tomorrow at 1 PM. So, the McLoughlin's were left with nothing to do but worry and imagine the worst. They went home having accomplished nothing. Mom sobbed some more as she rode the hospital elevator down, but then put on a brave fact and tried to comfort Mary as they went out to the car. But Mary wanted comfort from Erin and was more fussy and unhappy than she had ever been before. As they left the hospital, they ran into Fran coming in. Fran rushed to her mom and hugged her and took Mary and hugged her. But Fran was not Erin either and Mary still fussed. Her parents told Fran what they had learned, which was nothing. Fran told them to hold on and went into the hospital and called in professional courtesies. An emergency room doctor came out and told them, "Erin suffered a very bad concussion. Her brain is swelling, and she is on a diuretic. If that does not control the swelling, they will have to remove part of her skull to relieve the pressure. Erin has been unconscious since she got here, and is not conscious now, so nobody knows exactly what happened. But she suffered a strong blow to the side of the head and a smaller but still strong blow to the back of the head. All we can do is wait and see how she responds to the medications. Sorry I can't give you better news." Her mom asked, "But she will be all right, won't she?" Fran, "Mom, they don't know. She might not. And if she lives, she may be brain damaged. There is no way to tell right now?" Her mother cried and hugged her and said "Thank you for checking Fran. It's good to know." They went home and found themselves locked out of their home by crime tape. They asked the investigators if they could pick up some stuff, but were told no. They could get back in tomorrow some time. So, they rented two motel rooms and found a store and where they could buy some PJ's, a change of clothes and some infant supplies. Then they got Mary ready for bed. Mary had to make do with formula. She was not happy with formula, she was never happy with formula. But grandmother took her to bed with her and her husband and Mary was somewhat mollified and eventually got to sleep. They were awakened the next day by a call from Clara, whom Erin and Mom were supposed to pick up to take to Nola Prison at 7:45. Mom apologized profusely and told Clara what had happened. Of course, they would be cancelling the trip to Nola. Then Mom called Mrs. Lincoln and told her the same thing. Both women expressed concern about Erin and wished Mom luck. After a simple fast food breakfast, they drove in to the hospital at the start of visiting hours in intensive care, 9:30. They were allowed in the see Erin, and were pleased she was not on a ventilator, but were aghast that she was so unresponsive to them, and at the black and blue mark on her left temple and cheekbone, and at how swollen her head was. Fran grimaced and pointed at the black and blue mark and said "That looks like a fist. That's where the bastard hit her. It was quite a blow. It might have broken some bones, but they are not very concerned about those right now. She might need some reconstructive surgery when she recovers." All they could do was sit there, and soon Mary got fussy. She knew Erin was here and was frustrated to be kept from her. They decided to leave and come back later when the neurologist was in. They all came back at 2 PM and stopped at the main desk and asked to see the attending neurologist to ask about Erin. The main desk said he would be doing rounds at three and they should wait with Erin. Then Fran notified them that she was a Blakefield police officer and said her parents were very concerned and hadn't been able to talk to anyone about their daughter, Erin, since she had been admitted last night and that they were caring for Erin's 6-month-old baby who couldn't easily sit in the hospital waiting. Was there any way they could contact the neurologist and get a few minutes of his time to get basic information?" Since hospital policy was to work with local law enforcement, the front desk contacted the neurologist's emergency number. He called back a few moments later, and after a brief conversation, the front desk attendant said, "The Neurologist will be visiting Erin in 15 minutes, if you want to be there." Mom thanked her profusely and for the first time got a smile. The neurologist met them at Erin's room a few minutes after the appointed time. He shook everybody's hand, and then talked about the diagnosis, and basically repeated the information Fran gave them yesterday. Then he said that "We have checked the level of a chemical indicator of brain swelling every hour since putting Erin on the diuretic last night. The swelling appears to be getting better slowly. So, it does not look like surgery will be necessary. I hope she will regain consciousness soon." Fran "What is soon?" The neurologist said, "Today? Tonight? Tomorrow? The next day? That is the best I can do. I would advise you to go home. I guarantee we will call you as soon as she awakens." So, they went home, in the hopes they could get in. Luckily the crime scene tape was gone. Mom went into her home and saw a mess. The investigators had moved everything around and marked things on the floor where they found evidence of the attack on Mom and had dusted everything for fingerprints. The upstairs was total chaos. Erin's bedroom showed signs of the struggle and the place where Rex had lay on the floor after the shooting was marked. The police had cut pieces on the side of the mattress off and a hole had been dug in the wall above the door to recover a bullet. The sheets were torn off the bed and the room were generally tossed. Fortunately, Mary's things were undisturbed. But Fran went into her room and found they had confiscated her weapon cabinet, but that was all that was disturbed. Mom decided to deal with first things first and prepared a bottle for Mary and then gave her a sponge bath. Then she tried to get her down for a nap. But Mary would not cooperate. Finally, Mom sighed and decided to use Erin's approach and lay down in her bed with Mary. Soon Mary was asleep. And soon her grandmother was also asleep. Both slept almost three hours. Friday morning, Clara Sanders had waited and waited for Erin and her mother to show up for the trip to Nola Prison. Finally, she called Erin's number but got no answer. Then she tried the home number and also got no answer. Finally, she called Mrs. McLoughlin's cell and she answered. Mrs. McLoughlin apologized for forgetting to notify Clara and told her about Rex's home invasion and how Erin shot him and how in the process Rex had managed to hurt her and now she was in the hospital. "Oh my God," thought Clara. After the phone call, she found her mother awake and asked her to call into the hospital and see how Erin was doing. Jenny called the hospital information line, identified herself, and asked about Erin and found she was unconscious and in intensive care. Clara decided to visit and went out and tried to start her car but couldn't. She fussed and fumed. Finally, she asked her mother if she could use her car. Her mom said she had to go in to work for a couple hours today, so Clara asked for a ride in with her. No problem, her mother said. She would go in about 11. They arrived at about 12 and Clara immediately tried to visit Erin. They would not admit her because she was not family. Clara wanted to scream "Yes I am family. I'm her sister. I've got to see her," but realized that would have been futile. So, she managed to prevail on her mother to go in as an administrator and take Clara with her. When they saw Erin, they realized she had been hurt badly. The was a huge bruise on the side of her face and her face was badly swollen. Erin was completely unresponsive. She was not on a respirator, but one was next to the bed in case it was needed. Clara asked her mom if they could get more information. Jenny went to the nurses' station and showed Clara their instructions. It did not sound good. Then her mother went up to her office to work and Clara went and sat with Erin. After about a half hour, she went back up to Jenny's office and waited for her mother to finish her work, so they could go home. On the way home, she asked her mom if she would tell Clara about any changes in status, which Jenny readily agreed to. In the Blakefield Times on Sunday, an article appeared in the local news section. "Local Woman shoots Boyfriend While Having Sex. On Friday night, Erin McLoughlin, of 105 N Evergreen, shot her boyfriend, Rex Luthor, the father of her child, twice while having oral sex. Erin McLoughlin, also known to her classmates as 'Crazy Erin' because she was prone to outrageous behavior, dropped out of high school last year and has been living with her parents since. She is not gainfully employed. One classmate was quoted as saying 'Looks like Crazy Erin has struck again.'" Erin's father saw the article and quickly hid the paper, so his wife would not see. He was outraged. The article was slanted so it sounded like his daughter was a black widow and a madwoman. How did this happen? It was bad enough that the bastard had beaten Erin to within an inch of her life. Now he would be able to appear as the victim of a crazy women. Dad was determined to get a retraction of this story. Erin awoke at 4 AM Monday morning. She had the mother of all headaches, could feel a painful bruise on her face, and her vision was foggy. At first, she just lay there because any movement sent a pulse of overwhelming pain through her head. And too much movement triggered a feeling of nausea. Best to just lay there. As time went on her vision cleared a little and she noticed she was in a hospital room. But her thinking was so confused, she didn't question why, she just was. She drifted off again and awoke at 6 AM. The headache had eased a little, and her thinking had improved enough for her to wonder why she was here. Erin remembered nothing of the last few months, so more properly, Brian wondered why he was here. The nurse came in at 6:30 for a routine check and noticed the vital signs indicated Erin might be awake. So, she grasped Erin's shoulders and shook her a little. Brian responded by saying "OK, OK, I'm awake," in a croaky voice. The nurse quickly went through a checklist of tests and questions. Did Erin know who she was? No, she was delusionary. Claimed she was an engineer named Brian Sanders. Did she know where she was or what happened to bring her here? No. How did she feel? She had a splitting headache and felt nauseous, but had nothing to throw up. Any weakness or paralysis? Some weakness. Indication of seizures? No. Vision, hearing? Spontaneously looked toward visual and auditory stimuli. Claimed vision was cloudy. Could Erin get up and move around? Yes, but slow and unsteady. The nurse left a message for the neurologist that Erin was awake and gave him the results of these tests. Erin became more alert as the morning went along. He had gotten no feedback from the nurse, so didn't know her opinion that he was delusional. But everything about the interaction seemed a little off. Erin didn't question that much, because everything seemed a little off. For one thing, it hurt to move. In particular, his face hurt, and his neck hurt, almost everything else hurt too. Aside from that, his voice seemed strange, and his weight distribution seemed strange. He was wearing a standard hospital gown, but it was pink. What the hell? How long had he been laying there, and what had happened? It must have been some sort of major trauma to put him here and make everything hurt so much and to make him feel so different. Had he been in an auto accident? That seemed the most likely. He drove every day but didn't indulge in a lot of other dangerous activities. He figured he would remember soon, or they would tell him soon. Then he faded into unconsciousness again. The neurologist decided to come in a little early. He arrived at 8:30 and reexamined Erin. He found no indication of anything other than a severe concussion. A patient in her circumstances might be expected to not know who she was, but it would normally be part of a general confusion about everything. The neurologist had never heard of a patient recovering from trauma who thought she was someone else. Erin was slow and confused but appeared to know who she was. It's just that she was wrong. That was puzzling. The neurologist decided a workup by a psychiatrist was indicated. In the meantime, Erin was still suffering from a severe headache, as well as the memory loss. The nurse offered her a Percocet pain pill, but for, some reason, Erin decided that was something he needed to avoid. He asked if they would get him some aspirin and a newspaper to read to get his mind off the pain. It would also help him get oriented, and maybe jog his memory. They brought him the aspirin and a paper from yesterday that had been left at the nurse's station. He looked through the paper and noted the date, April 1, 2017. He went through his memory and the last thing he remembered was October 2016. He had lost almost 6 months. Then he read the news. Trump was president. Geez, that was a major surprise. But other than that, the national news seemed the same conglomeration of scandal and foolishness it always was. The local news was also unsurprising. One article caught his eye, 'Local Woman Shoots Boyfriend While Having Sex.' God, that sounded crazy. He was aware that often the paper only gave half the story, but from what he read, this was one crazy chick. Then he read the name, 'Erin McLoughlin.' For some reason that rang a bell, but he couldn't remember why? That morning at 9:30 AM, a representative of the hospital called Erin's mom and dad and told them Erin had awakened, but that she was very confused and did not remember anything from the night she was injured or some time before that. And she didn't appear to know who she was. Did they still want to see her? They definitely did. They got dressed and had a little breakfast and were in Erin's room at 10:45 AM. They came in and Mom ran over to her and hugged her "Oh God, Erin Baby. It's so good to see you awake." Reflexively, Erin hugged her back. Maybe he could get some answers from these people. He smiled at them and tried to respond to questions but couldn't. Then he saw the man was holding a baby. He somehow recognized the baby as his and held out his arms and said "Please. Please." So, they put Mary on her chest with her head on Erin's shoulder. Mary immediately took this as an invitation to nurse, which Erin allowed almost instinctively. She sat there looking at the child with a smile on her face and cradled her gently. But then Brian wondered, "Why did he have breasts?" She asked the people. "Who are you?" she asked. "Why am I here?" Her mom worked to hold it together. It was clear that Erin had been hurt very badly Friday night. She said "You are Erin McLoughlin. We are your mom and dad. You were hurt by an old boyfriend last Friday night. You were hurt badly. They took you to the hospital." Erin now realized they were calling him "Erin", not "Brian." And that crazy chick that shot her boyfriend while having sex, he must be her. But it sounded like the boyfriend had hit her first. Maybe she was just defending herself? Erin looked at Mom with tears in her eyes and said "I don't remember that. I've lost myself." Mom said, "It will come back, Erin. You are a strong woman. It will all come back." Erin was shocked. He didn't feel like a strong woman, nor a strong man for that matter. He felt like a confused child who didn't even know who he was. He said, "I guess I'll have to wait and see." It was clear Erin was exhausted by the brief effort, and her mother tried to take Mary from her chest and leave, but Erin clung to the infant for a moment, then seemed to realize the child could be hurt and let go. Erin asked, "Will you bring her back to me?" Mom said, "Yes, Erin, I will bring her back to you. I promise. We'll be back later this afternoon." Then Erin sank back into unconsciousness. The psychiatrist came in at 11:30 and tried to awake Erin. It took a few minutes of trying before he was successful. He asked what Erin's name was and she said "Brian Sanders." The psychiatrist asked what she did, and she said, "I'm an engineer." He asked if she had always been Brian, and she said "Sure, who else would I be?" The psychiatrist said, "Erin McLoughlin?" Brian knew that was the girl in the paper but wasn't ready yet to claim that identity. Maybe he was her but would prefer another explanation. Finally, the psychiatrist said, "Is Brian a boy's name?" Erin said, "Yes, definitely." Then the psychiatrist said, "But you're a girl." Erin looked down at her breasts and remembered nursing the baby a while ago. That was confusing. Erin would have felt between her legs, but that would not be polite with someone there. So, she asked "Are you sure?" The psychiatrist said, "Well, I haven't done a complete physical, but your records are marked as female and you have breasts." Erin looked down again and said, "It's a puzzlement, isn't it?" The psychiatrist laughed and said "Yes, yes, it is." Then Erin said, "Do you have any ideas?" The psychiatrist said, "Well, you were badly hurt from a blow on the head Friday night and delusions can occasionally be caused by such blows. It's not common but it has happened. However, this is rather an unusual delusion for a young mother who will be having two more babies in a few months. What do you think of caring for three babies? Does it make you happy? Does it frighten you? Make you feel overwhelmed?" Erin thought and surprised himself by saying, "Generally it makes me feel happy, but the responsibility does sort of make me feel overwhelmed." Psychiatrist, "The responsibility? Not the prospect of all that work?" Erin, "Not really. I feel I can handle it for some reason. But I really want to do a good job." Psychiatrist, "Why would a boy feel that way?" Erin, "A boy can be responsible too, Doc. I've always been very responsible." Psychiatrist, "Yes, yes they can." The conversation lasted another half hour before the psychiatrist felt Erin was too tired to continue. The psychiatrist wrote a report diagnosing amnesia and delusions secondary to traumatic concussion with the expectation that recovery from the concussion would result in recovery of memory and the delusion going away. If not, he advised further psychiatric counseling. Erin was tired but agitated. He was having an identity crisis. This was crazy. The last thing he remembered was going to a conference in Eugene. When was that? Mid-October, 2016. Five and a half months ago. He was sure he was a boy then, as he had always been. He remembered Engineering school and high school golf and band and lots of other activities, all as a boy, and he remembered his family and friends, a boy's life. Yet the evidence seemed overwhelming that he was a girl. Well, it was worth another check of the equipment to verify what he was, nobody was around. He felt his chest. Yep, clearly, he had boobs. Consistent with being a girl. Not consistent with boyhood. How about between the legs? He felt himself thoroughly. Nope, no penis. Dam, he was sure he remembered having a penis? But there was a slit down below and what seemed to be the entrance to a vagina. Well, that seemed definitive. He must be a girl. So, he must be hallucinating about having been Brian. But the memories were so real and so vivid. And he had no memory at all of a girlhood, nor for that matter of the man and woman who claimed to be his parents. But the baby they had with them, he was sure she was his. He felt it inside, strongly. And they said he was pregnant, with twins. How could he forget that? God, he must be going insane. Then another thought came to him, being a mother implied there was a father. Oh, yes, the father of that baby was Rex, whom he had shot. How about the twins he was to birth to in a few months? Who was their father? Rex? Or was he married to someone else? It seemed unlikely. If he was married, wouldn't the husband have come to see Erin? Maybe they were separated. Oh God. This was giving him another headache. Monday mid-morning, word got to Jenny that Erin was awake. As promised, she immediately called Clara at work. Clara said she would be over after lunch. A little after 1, Jenny went to Intensive Care and read the record of Erin's treatment. Unremarkable for a concussion victim, until she got to the description of the delusion. What the hell was going on? Maybe Erin was well enough to answer some questions. Jenny marched down to Erin's room in Intensive Care. Clara got in about 1 as promised. Erin's nurses were now used to Clara being there and she had no trouble getting in. Erin was alone, but asleep. Clara just went in and sat. Ten minutes later Erin stirred, and Clara said, "Hi Erin." Erin opened his eyes, and saw Clara and sat up quickly, but his headache was still there, and he quickly lay back down. "Clara," he said. "God am I glad to see you. Maybe I'm not crazy. I woke up with the mother of all headaches and I feel like someone beat the hell out of me. And suddenly I'm a girl, but I've always been a boy, haven't I. Two people I don't recognize were in this morning claiming to be my parents. And they had a sweet baby girl with them, who I nursed without even thinking about it. But I'm a boy, so I shouldn't be able to nurse. Then I checked myself, and physically I'm a girl. But I still can't remember ever being a girl. Can you tell me what is going on?" Clara looked at Erin blankly. "Let's go back to the beginning, Erin. You were hurt Friday night. Rex hit you in the head after you shot him. That caused a serious concussion." Erin shook her head, "I don't even know who Rex is?" Clara, "Are you serious, you don't remember?" Erin, "No. The last thing I remember is going to a conference in Oregon in October. But I saw a paper this morning that said it was now April 1. Five and a half months have disappeared. And I read in the paper that Erin McLoughlin, who apparently is me, shot her lover while they were having sex. Why the hell would I do that?" "Can you tell me what has been happening since October, Clara? And why I am a girl." Clara said "Yes, but if those people come in who claim to be your parents, please play along with them. They are sort of right, and they love you very much." Erin, "OK, I can do that. Now, spill." Clara said, "Well, the short version is that Brian Sanders and Erin McLoughlin somehow switched minds between their bodies at the conference, and since that time, you have been living as a girl, Erin McLoughlin, daughter of the two people claiming to be your parents, and mother of Mary McLoughlin." Erin said, "What? That's impossible." Clara, "Give me a better explanation." Erin could only think of one. "I'm crazy?" Clara, "Well dear brother, or should I say dear sister, the two explanations are not mutually exclusive." Erin laughed, "Maybe not." Just then, Jenny Sanders came in and was surprised to see Clara there talking to Erin. "Hi Clara," she said. "Hi Mom," said Clara. Without thinking, Erin said, "Hi Mom." Clara looked at him. She should have told him to not recognize her parents. On the other hand, he should have realized that if he was to recognize the McLoughlin as his parents, he couldn't recognize the Sanders parents. In his defense, he had had a concussion and was not at his best. Jenny looked at him in surprise, and he immediately recognized his error. Clara thought about pretending it was a joke, although she had enough respect for her mom to realize that wouldn't work over the long run. On the other hand, Clara actually wanted her mother to know because her mother was in such pain for the loss of her son. So, she decided to take the opportunity to fess up. She said "Mom, we can explain this." Her mother folded her arms and looked at the two younger women and said, "Please do." Clara said, "Well it started in Eugene in October. Brian Sanders and Erin McLoughlin met somehow at the conference. Erin's then boyfriend, Rex, was a grifter staying at the same hotel as Brian and was being abusive to Erin. Brian, being who he is, tried to step in, but Rex is a huge guy and thumped Brian. That night, when Brian and Erin were asleep, somehow, and please don't dismiss this out of hand Mom, somehow, they switched bodies. Brian woke up in Erin's body and Erin woke up in Brian's body. Erin had a baby named Mary, and Brian fell in love with Mary. Since then Brian has been living Erin's life in Erin's body. She lives with Erin's parents because she needed someplace to live and help to get her GED. The old Erin never graduated from high school. Brian/Erin revealed him/herself to me in November. I thoroughly checked out the memories she revealed to me and they are true. You should check it out yourself. Furthermore, her personality is totally Brian. This Friday night, Rex caught Erin alone and hit her in the head and gave her a major concussion. This caused Erin to forget everything after October, 2016. So now Brian is trying to figure out who he is. See, perfectly clear and logical." Jenny kept waiting for Clara to laugh and reveal that this was a big joke. But she didn't. Finally, Jenny said, "Are you serious. You are saying that Erin is Brian?" Then she turned to Erin and said, "Are you saying you are Brian?" Erin looked down at her breasts and said, "Yes. I am Brian. I am your son. I know I don't look like your son, but I am him, sort of anyway. Let me tell you some things that only Brian would know." Then he went through several of his high school adventures that his mother knew about, but even Clara didn't. Finally, he said he would answer any question she might have. Jenny was nothing if not thorough and asked a dozen questions that Brian would know but few others would. At the end she said, "OK, you are well prepared for questioning. Is this a joke you two have cooked up?" Clara and Erin both swore it was not, and their interactions in doing so were exactly like the interactions she would expect of Clara and Brian. Then Jenny asked "OK, suppose this switch really took place, what has happened to Erin who switched into Brian's body?" Erin looked at Clara and said, "I am beginning to get some of Erin's recent memories back as we are talking, and I know I have seen him recently, but am not sure where. Clara, did I tell you?" Clara, "He is in Nola Prison." Jenny said "What? What for?" Clara said, "First, I have to tell you something about the old Erin's personality. Erin was a very self-centered and immature transgendered male. When this switch happened, Brian tried to get Erin to work with him to reverse it, but Erin decided she was happy being a boy. Brian, i.e., the new Erin, went along with it because he loved Mary, and the old Erin was not a good mother. Anyway, the old Erin, although she could occasionally be OK, was usually mean and selfish. In fact, she date-raped the new Erin and now Erin is pregnant with twins." Jenny immediately understood the implications and looked at Erin, and said "Is that right, are your twins my grandchildren?" Erin said, "I think I remember that?" Clara said "Yes mom, that is one reason Erin elected to carry them to term, she would not consider aborting your grandchildren. And you can obtain DNA to verify they are your grandchildren. Anyway, after Erin went to live with her parents, Brian was unable to earn a living and turned to low-level crime to support himself and probably to support a drug habit. In one incident she knocked an old woman down trying to snatch her purse and she broke her hip. That is why she is in prison. And if you want to verify that, you can come with us to visit him in a few weeks." Then Clara finished with "And Mom, this is why I replaced Brian in my wedding as 'Boy of honor' with Erin as "Maid of Honor." I wanted Erin in the wedding party precisely because she is, in most ways, my sibling. I was not replacing Brian, I was making sure he/she was there." Jenny then put her hands on the sides of her head and said, "Ok, Ok, I don't know what to think, but you have given me a lot to think about. If it is a lie, it is much better than even the whoppers you used to tell in high school and it gets an A for creativity. Let's talk later. " Before she could leave, Erin said, "Mom, I'm happy you found out. I've missed you so much. I love you." Jenny just smiled at him and said, "We'll talk later." After she left, Erin said, "Clara, that conversation brought everything back, including being attacked by Rex, shooting him, and worrying sick about my other mom. Thank you so much. But now, I'm really tired. I'm going to go to sleep and try to put it all together. I love you, Sis. I feel good about telling our mom. We have given her reasons to believe, we can only hope she figures it out. Now all I have to do is talk to our Dad sometime." Clara said, "Not to worry. If Mom accepts it, Dad will too. You know that." Erin, "Maybe, but losing a son is tougher on a father than a mother. Clara, "Maybe so. Well, see you later Erin." Erin lay down and was asleep in seconds. The nurse had been by earlier to get a food order but found Erin asleep. Then she returned about 2:30, but Erin was still asleep. Finally, Erin came to at 3:15, and the nurse got her food order. Before it arrived, Erin's parents came by with Mary. Erin held her arms out and Mary clapped and squealed. Her mother put Mary in Erin's arms and the two held each other. Then Erin said, "Mom I am much better now. I'm sorry I didn't remember you this morning. Thank You so much for everything." Mom, "Erin, I'm so happy we are getting though this experience. I was terrified, and I'm sure you were too. But we got through Friday because of your quick thinking." Then her father said, "Yeah. Good shot Erin." Erin laughed, "I was lucky again Dad. I didn't really know what I was doing. Fran was really the heroine. She supplied the means to our salvation." Dad, "Yeah, but you figured out how to make it work. I've been told what you did to get the first shot off. I'm sure you didn't enjoy the process." Erin, "No, but I did what I had to do." Then Mary decided she wanted to nurse, and Erin accommodated her. Her mother asked, "How are you feeling, Erin?" Erin, "I still feel pretty rocky, Mom. I still have a headache, but it is tolerable now. Other than that, I still feel out of synch and slow. I hope the doctor will come by later today and tell me what to expect. I don't think I'm going home today." Then Fran came in and kissed her mom and came over and hugged Erin and said loudly, "Hey Sis, shot him in the balls. Good Shot. At least one of us got to shoot his ass off." Then Fran laughed loudly. Erin was somewhat aghast at the comment, then it struck her as funny and she broke out laughing. Soon her father joined in. They couldn't stop laughing for a couple of minutes. Erin said, "Yes, one of us did get to shoot his ass off." And they laughed some more. Her mother was looking at the rest of the family as though they had taken leave of their senses. Then Mom joined in the laugh briefly, but stopped and said, "Some mothers have nice, quiet, polite daughters, but not me. Noo. What have I done wrong?" After a few more minutes of conversation, the food service brought in Erin's lunch. She started off hungry, but after a few bites she had had enough. There was a pudding though, and Erin put some in a spoon and put it on Mary's lips. Mary's eyes brightened, and she licked it off and then when Erin filled the spoon again Mary opened her mouth wide for some more and then giggled and babbled in excitement. Erin loved nothing more than seeing her daughter happy and had a great time feeding her. Three hours ago, she didn't know who she was or what she was doing here. Now, with her memory back, with Rex out of commission, with her family around her, and having established a connection with her other family, she knew exactly who she was and what she was doing here, and she felt happier and safer and more connected than ever. The next morning Jenny came to visit Erin at 7 AM. Erin had gone to bed early and slept well, so she was awake. The nurse was about to tell Jenny that visiting hours weren't until 9, but then recognized her as hospital personnel and let her talk to Erin. Jenny said "Hi Erin. I wonder if you would be willing to answer some more questions? Do you feel well enough?" Erin said, "Sure, fire away." Jenny shook her head, that was a phrase that Brian often used. But she continued with about 7 questions about Brian and his family's life, that Erin answered correctly. Jenny just shook her head again when she was done? She said, "It's so hard to believe. Mind switches. That's science fiction, or mysticism. But I don't have a better explanation. Are you really my Brian?" Erin, "Yes I am Mom. I really am. But I am somewhat different than Brian, because I have had experiences he could never have. I have a baby, who I nurse. I am pregnant with twins. I have had several sexual experiences as a woman, although not consensual.? Jenny, ?How did you come to be pregnant with Brian?s children?? Erin, ?It?s a complicated story, Mom. The former Erin was a turbulent personality. She was transgendered, constantly fought with her family, got pregnant by a boyfriend, Rex, who was a real jerk, was hooked on perc?s and dropped out of high school. Rex abused her, but she seemed all right with it. I tried to intervene, and that didn?t work out so well. Rex was a huge guy. Then when we switched, the old Erin was happy on the one hand, since she was now a man. But otherwise she was lost. She had no resources, no interest in any longer caring for her daughter, no idea how to make a living. But she was a man now and assumed she would be in charge. I played along because I needed her help, but I was the one that took care of things. I got us home. I bought the groceries, and cooked them when we didn?t eat out, and I cleaned up. And I took care of the baby. That was the only thing I liked at the start. I love that child. She is so sweet, and I feel such a connection with her. The only contribution the old Erin made was to supply enough perc?s to get me home without going into withdrawal. But her price for that was sex. She, or maybe I should say he now, wanted sex as a man. I had to do it. I couldn?t see any other way to get home without going into withdrawal. And maybe I was curious too. But the sex was usually modeled on the old Erin?s relationship with Rex, exploitative and one- sided. Anyway, I?m sure you?re not interested in graphic details. When we got home, Brian, the new Brian, did one really important thing for me. I needed help to get off the drugs. I was worried about the effects on Mary. I knew it was a dead end if I wanted to find a decent job to support her. In order to start making progress on the rest of my life I had to be clean. But the problem was that if I just sought aid from the county, they might take Mary away. Had I been the county, I would have taken Mary away, knowing how badly the former Erin took care of her. But now I could not let that happen, I could not lose Mary. I had bonded with Mary that strongly in just a few days. So, Brian, the old Erin, did the only other thing good for me he ever did. He helped me get into his family, and they paid for a clinic to help me get clean.? Jenny, ?Did you consider coming to me, Erin? I would have helped.? Erin, ?Would you Mom? If a 19-year-old unknown girl had knocked on your door and said she was really Brian, and needed you to pay for a stay at a drug clinic, would you have helped her? Well, maybe you would have. You are a wonderful person, Mom, and if I thought I could have easily convinced you who I was, I?m sure you would have. I had already talked to Clara and she did not believe me at first. I had only enough perc?s to stave off withdrawal for a couple of more days. I figured the best chance was to convince Erin?s parents to help, rather than convince you to believe an absurd, crazy story. So, I left the old Erin in control of my car, my apartment, and my bank account and went to live with her parents. Fortunately, Erin?s parents are wonderful people too. They fought with the previous Erin all the time, but with the people skills and sense of fairness you taught me, they and I, the new Erin, get along great. But I have missed you. I have been at the hospital visiting a friend and more recently I have been here with a couple of medical problems and have run into you several times. Every time I see you it tears me up, because I miss you so much. While I was in drug rehab, Brian was frittering away the resources he started with. A few days after I got out, he sent me a message that he needed to see me. I met him at the restaurant Mercado, and he slipped me a GHB, and I woke up in Lambart Park, naked and pregnant. After that he disappeared. I only ran across him again while visiting a friend at Nola Prison. I never identified him as the rapist. Maybe I should have, so they could have picked him up. But I didn?t because I have this connection with him that I can?t seem to give up. But there is another reason. I know I have a sense of ownership of his body. When I see him and see that he has not taken care of it, I get really ticked off. It isn?t rational, because I will never physically be Brian again. But there it is. I think he has the same reaction to me. But it takes another form. Last time I saw him, I asked why he raped me? He said, ?Because that body is really mine, so if I want to have sex with it, I should be able to.? That means he is only a danger to me, not to other women. So, I feel no obligation to other women to turn him in. By the way, he felt free to have sex with me because he was sure I couldn?t get pregnant because I was nursing. So in a way he was considering my welfare. But I had ceased nursing when I was in rehab which made me able to get pregnant. There you have the whole sordid story, the good, the bad, and the ugly.? Jenny was amazed at this story. The content was fascinating and sounded reasonable if you could believe in the mind switch. More important, the grammar, the stock phrases, and the humor were all vintage Brian. Jenny was almost convinced. But the mind switch was just too hard to believe without further consideration. She said, ?You will be in the hospital for at least another few days, Erin. We?ll talk again. Maybe early tomorrow.? Erin had hoped for full acceptance, but said quietly, ?OK mom. See you tomorrow.? The neurologist came to see her at 9 AM. He asked, ?So how are you feeling today Erin?? She replied, ?Much better Doctor. My headache is almost completely gone, and I have pretty much regained my mind and my memory. Of course, my face and neck still hurt. And my thinking is still sort of fuzzy.? Then he examined her and looked at the records from the monitors she had on. He told her ?I think I can upgrade your status from critical to serious. I am going to transfer you out of the ICU to a room intended for victims of trauma who are recovering but may need special support. You will be transferred later today.? Erin replied ?That?s great Doctor. When do you think I can go home? I want to be with my daughter.? He said, ?Well, remember that two days ago you were in a coma caused by a serious head injury. You will find yourself thinking and reacting very slowly for at least a few weeks, probably months. For the next week, you will not be up to decisions or any kind of stress. If everything goes all right, you will be ready for a low stress environment at home later in the week, Thursday or Friday. If not, we might want to release you to an adult care center for a week before you go back to the regular world.? They transferred Erin about 10 AM. It involved a lengthy process of disconnecting all the monitors and taking out the catheter that she had used since Friday night. In the new room, she had a little more space and a TV, but she didn?t have her phone or a tablet, so she couldn?t do any of the things she needed to do. The first thing she wanted to do was see herself in the mirror. She got up laboriously and tried to walk to the bathroom, and almost fell down. Erin realized that she was a long way from well. Then the nurse came in and told her to stop and then came over and helped her walk to the bathroom. The nurse gave her strict instructions that she was not to try to walk unassisted until she could prove she could handle it. Erin said ?OK,? and went into the bathroom. She looked in the mirror and saw the bruise and swelling on her face and neck and thought, ?Oh God, what a mess I am.? Then she opened the door and asked nurse for a brush. The nurse said ?I?ll get you one later, and a mirror to use at your bed. I know you don?t like how you look, sweetie. But it will be better in a few days. I promise.? Then Erin used the bathroom and opened the door again and let the nurse help her back to the bed. When she got there, she collapsed in exhaustion. Erin was bored, So, she watched TV. She started with CNN, but they spent an hour non-stop slamming Trump, and she got tired of it. She could well believe he was an idiot, but surly he did something right. There was a lot of shots of various politicians making vacuous statements and posturing. Was this politics or bad theatre? So, she checked a couple of sports channels, and lucked out with a review of English Premier League games from the weekend. Brian had always loved soccer and the English Premier League was the best in the world if you appreciated good competitive technically sound soccer. But after a while, her roommate asked her to turn it down, so she could sleep, so Erin turned if off. About noon Clara came in to visit. It was great to have her to talk to, except talk disturbed Erin?s roommate. So, she and Clara, went out to a waiting room, with Clara supporting her as she walked. With their size difference, Clara did not have an easy time, but they made it. Erin realized she was much slower than before the incident, both in walking down the hall and in picking up on the repartee she and Clara usually engaged in. Well, the Dr said to expect that. Erin told Clara about Jenny?s visit. Clara asked all kinds of questions that Erin had not thought of. Oh Well. Then Erin asked Clara about how her plans for the wedding were coming and they talked about that for several minutes. Then Erin told Clara about Fran?s joke. Clara laughed. Finally, Erin asked if she could use Clara?s phone for a few minutes to make some calls she just had to make. Clara said sure. First, Erin called Mom McLoughlin. Mom was surprised to get a call, and said she intended to come down after work. Erin told her that Clara was visiting and let her use her phone. Then Erin told Mom she had been moved out of the ICU and gave her the new room number, and then asked mom to bring down Erin?s phone and tablet and the chargers and any Scientific American or Discover or Economist magazines she could find in Erin?s room, and her budesinide. Her mom said OK. She had intended to stop after work, but maybe she would go home and collect everything and bring it to Erin after dinner. Erin said that would be fine. That would also allow Mom to bring Mary. Mom just laughed and said, ?Oh Erin, I was going to get Mary before coming by. I know to bring her when I visit you for heaven?s sake. You two are as close as any two people in the world.? Erin just said, ?Thanks Mom.? Next Erin called Debbie?s house just on the off chance she was there. Too her surprise, Debbie answered. Erin said ?Hi, Debb. This is Erin.? Debbie, ?Erin! My God. I heard you shot Rex. I?m sure the asshole deserved it. But I haven?t been able to get a hold of you. How are you? Where are you? What is happening?? Erin spoke slowly and awkwardly, ?Whoa. I?ll tell you the whole story later. Just a short version now, because I am using Clara?s phone and she has to go back to work soon. But I?ll have my phone tonight and will try to call you and talk more then. On Friday night, Rex broke into my house and threatened me. He demanded I give him sex, starting with oral, and said he was going to force me to leave with him. But I had a gun under my blankets and when I was doing it, I pulled the gun up and shot him in the balls. But he hit me in the head with his fist and knocked me so my head hit the hard part of the mattress. Well, you know how strong he is, and those two blows caused a massive concussion. I just regained consciousness yesterday morning. I was unconscious over 48 hours. I am slowly recovering but am really groggy and have a hard time talking and walking. How are you doing?? Debbie, ?I have missed two days of school. Mom was mad because she thought you just didn?t show yesterday. Sarah said she will care for Jeremy Thursday, and mom says she might tomorrow. Now I know you are hurt, I guess I will only get 1 or 2 days in school this week.? Erin, ?I?m sorry Debbie. The earliest I can do childcare is next week. Even if they let me go home, I wouldn?t trust myself to care for someone else?s infant this week. I?m sorry.? Debbie, ?Oh Erin, I shouldn?t whine to you. You are doing much worse than me. I?m sorry. But I will be so happy to see you again. Can I come visit you?? Erin, ?Sure. I?m not going anywhere for a few days. St Mary?s. Room 629. Debbie, I have to go now. Take care.? Debbie, ?OK, I will tell everyone at school that the rumors are true. That you shot Rex in the balls. Just kidding.? Then Erin handed Clara?s phone back and thanked her. She and Clara talked for a few more minutes about Jenny and what might convince her. They didn?t come up with a sure strategy. So, they agreed to talk later, and Clara helped her back to her room and went back to work. Erin was exhausted and lay down and took a nap. Erin slept for 3 hours, and then woke up and called the nurse. The nurse came in and took her food order and said she bet Erin was hungry, since she missed lunch. Erin really wasn?t. She asked her roommate if TV was OK now, and she said yes, so Erin watched the evening news. Then Erin tried to get up and go back out to the waiting room, where she remembered there were a couple of magazines. She was making slow progress but encountered a nurse who asked what she was doing. Erin said she was going to the waiting room to see what magazines she could find. The nurse said she would check around. In the meantime, Erin should plant her skinny little fanny in the bed and stay there. She was still very sick. Erin was sort of ticked at not being able to make such decisions for herself but understood that the nurse was just doing her best for Erin. The nurse came by with 4 magazines and Erin selected one to read and thanked her. At 5:30 they brought dinner around. Erin was still only moderately hungry. But she ate a little more than she really wanted because it was something to do. Finally, at 6:30 PM, her mother showed up with Mary. Erin hugged her mom and took Mary in her arms and held her close. Mary, for her part was clearly happy to be with Erin. Of course, Mary immediately took this as a signal that she could nurse, which Erin was happy to allow. Erin and Mom talked for almost an hour. Her mom wanted to know how she was doing, and also wanted to know exactly what happened that Friday night. So, Erin told how she was feeling better, but still had trouble getting around and her thinking seemed to be so slow. She said she was worried that this would make it hard to finish her GED before the end of June, which is when she thought she would start having trouble getting around. And Erin told everything she remembered about Friday night in graphic detail. Honestly, she couldn?t remember all the details. But she was at least able to tell the part where Rex came into the room and throttled her and made her give him oral sex. And she remembered getting the gun and hiding it and taking it out and shooting Rex. Everything after the blow to her head was hazier. While talking to Mom, she cuddled Mary and afterward she spent a few minutes talking to her and singing a little. Then mom had to go. Before handing over Mary, Erin asked about her phone and tablet and magazines and budesinide. Mom left a paper bag with all those things and picked up Mary and said Goodbye for now to her daughter. A while after Mom left, Fran came by and chatted. She had some police news relating to Erin?s case. Rex?s injuries were not life threatening. The weapon Erin had used had been fairly light and Erin had not hit any vital organs. Rex had been transferred to a care facility in the jail. They were actually holding him on some other charges, until they could get Erin?s testimony regarding what happened during the assault. But mom?s testimony about being tied up would probably suffice for a kidnapping charge, which made bail somewhat unlikely. There would be a bail hearing next week. The prosecutors would be arguing that Rex had threatened Erin the week before and then fulfilled the threat when he attacked her. Therefore, he was still a threat. However, Rex?s father was a defense attorney and knew how to argue a case. So, it was possible Rex could get bail. Someone would probably be over to get Erin?s statement tomorrow in preparation. Fran had filed a complaint against the two police officers who had cuffed Erin face down and let her lay without checking her health for so long. Erin said she didn?t even remember that. Fran said that was what she thought, but Mom?s testimony was enough to file the complaint. It was just a shot across the bow and the officer would probably not get more than a warning. But that was sloppy police work and could have resulted in Erin?s death. So, Fran couldn?t just let it go. Erin didn?t really want to be connected to any disciplinary action against a police officer but sensed she didn?t have any say about it. Then Fran surprised her by coming over and hugging her and saying she loved her and to stay out of trouble if she could. Erin just hugged Fran back and said she loved her too. After Fran left, Erin logged onto the hospital WIFI, and went to the GED website. She had to start figuring out what to study for the last GED in Science. She got to the appropriate page and started reading and just could not get through it. Her thinking was slow and disorganized, and she would forget points between one sentence and the next. She forced herself to just read, even if it wasn?t coherent this time through, maybe it would be next time. She decided to ask mom to bring in a tablet and pens, so she could write things down. Maybe that would help her organize her thoughts. After she got through the list of subjects, the website suggestions and some references, she gave up for the night. She took a Discover magazine her mom brought from home and tried to read that. But she had a hard time following it too. Finally, she read the People magazine the nurse had brought her from the waiting room. To her relief, she seemed to be able to follow that with no problems. She was now really worried that it was going to be a struggle to study the science material and pass the last GED test. Finally, she just lay down and tried to sleep, but she couldn?t. After an hour the nurse offered her a sleeping pill, but Erin refused. She finally went to sleep at about 11 PM. Wednesday morning Erin was up at 6 AM. She called the nurse to help her to the bathroom, as instructed. She noticed she felt a little more coordinated, which was encouraging. After that, she again tried to do some work online. But although she was a little quicker, she still struggled making heads or tails of the material. At 7 AM Jenny came in and said, ?Good Morning Erin.? Erin smiled and said, ?Good Morning.? She noticed that Jenny stayed out of touch distance and interpreted that as indicating she hadn?t accepted that Erin was Brian. It was a little disappointing, but Erin wasn?t giving up. Her mother looked at the tablet she was holding and said, ?Where did you get that tablet, Erin?? Erin said, ?You gave it to me for my birthday last year, Mom. Except for some pictures, it is almost the only thing I still have that I had as Brian.? Jenny shook her head and said, ?I think your face is looking a little better, Erin.? Erin, ?Thanks, Mom. Last night I had a friend visit and she made a big deal about my face. I was starting to get a complex about it. It makes me feel good that you think it is getting better.? Jenny then asked, ?Is your friend anyone I know?? Erin, ?No, I don?t think so. She is a senior at Blakefield High school. She goes to the church my current parents go to. We became friends because I have a daughter who was born out of wedlock, and she was pregnant and unmarried. The pastor would always talk about sin and look right at one or the other of us. So, we would exchange opinions about what a bastard he was.? Jenny laughed and said, ?what kind of a church is it, Erin?? Erin, ?Baptist. I don?t know what kind. I just go because it makes my current mother happy. The pastor really is a jerk. He has Debbie?s mom convinced that Debbie is a harlot and should be thrown out on the streets. But her father won?t go along with it.? Jenny, ?Good for him. Is Debbie a girlfriend?? Erin, ?Well she is a girl and she is a friend, but there is no romantic relationship. I don?t have any romantic relationships, Mom. I?ve been too focused on taking care of my daughter and getting a GED and establishing a good relationship with my current family to even think about a romantic relationship.? Jenny, ?Please tell me if it?s none of my business, but if you had a romantic relationship, would it be with a woman or a man?? Erin, ?Oh, mom, I?m happy to talk to you about me. But the answer is that I don?t know. I suppose someday I will run into someone I?m really attracted to and then I will know.? Jenny, ?Brian used to be attracted to any nice young lady who was smart and fun.? Erin, ?I know mom. I remember the emotions I used to feel. But I haven?t felt anything like that since I?ve become Erin. I have made several good friends as Erin, who are all girls, but my emotions are different. We are truly just friends.? Then Jenny asked, ?Erin, you seem very comfortable as a girl. When I saw you in street clothes earlier, I seem to recall they were more-or- less typical young woman?s clothes. Your hair is made up in a girl?s fashion. Your fingernails are cared for in a feminine fashion, you have no problem talking about babies and pregnancy, and you are comfortable in a woman?s hospital ward. But Brian would have been mortified if he had had to wear women?s clothing, and was very defensive about having a masculine presence, even though he was a fairly small, slender man. I would expect him to lean more toward a masculine appearance even if he were magically transformed into a girl.? Erin, ?I can see why you would think so Mom, and I can?t totally explain why I am comfortable with a feminine appearance. But when Brian and Erin switched, the Brian personality went into a female body. And so, appearing as a woman did not seem embarrassing. It was what everyone expected. In addition, at the time Erin weighed over 190 lbs., close to 200 in fact. And Erin was 5 inches taller than Brian. It just was not possible for Erin to dress in Brian?s clothing, just as it was not possible for Brian to dress in Erin?s clothing. And there was no money to buy different clothes. So, the most practical thing was for me to continue to wear Erin?s clothing and for Brian, who used to be Erin, to wear Brian?s clothing. Additionally, I was advising the old Erin how to seem natural as Brian and vice-verse. That advise leaned toward maintaining the appropriate appearance for the body gender. When I moved in with the McLoughlin?s, I was trying to be as much like the old Erin as I could. Well, one thing I could do was maintain the same appearance. But I must say that that appearance was initially much more masculine than I appear today. Don?t forget that the old Erin identified as transgender and wanted to be a male and resisted feminine dress. And she did not wear jewelry much, did not have pierced ears, and did not use a lot of makeup. That is the way I was at first, sort of tomboyish. But I remember as some point when I was working, I felt excluded from women?s groups at work. I just felt so isolated and alone, I decided I would make more of an effort to fit in. So, I asked my current mom to help me style my hair, get some jewelry, and generally make me more like the other young women. As time has gone on, I have become more and more inclined to dress and make myself up in a feminine manner. I don?t know why. I am just more and more comfortable appearing as a girl. As Erin talked, Jenny felt like she was talking to Brian. The phrases Erin used and most of her values were like Brian?s. She wanted to go to her and tousle her hair like she used to do with Brian. But still she hesitated. She needed to be sure. Finally, she said, ?Erin, I have thought about this a lot, and I need to meet the Brian Sanders who is in Nola Prison. I?ll know if he is my son. If not, you must be.? Erin said, ?That sounds reasonable, Mom. Clara and I were going to go out and see him on Saturday. The reason I was going was to pick his brain about how to avoid Rex. No one knows Rex better than Brian, who was the old Erin and was Rex?s girlfriend. That reason is no longer compelling. But we still have some stuff to talk about and I want to go to see him and am thinking a couple weeks from now. I think Clara wants to try to put together a plan to get him to find a productive way to live after prison. I guess I would like to do that too. Would you like to come with us?? Jenny, ?Hmm, I would prefer to talk to him alone. Do you think he would accept a visit?? Erin, ?Frankly, I doubt it. The old Erin?s relationship with her family was awful. But it can?t hurt to ask.? Then Erin asked ?Mom, could I ask for a favor?? Jenny, ?Sure Erin.? Erin, ?Could you bring me a pencil, just an old-fashioned lead pencil with an eraser, and a sharpener and a pad of paper. My memory was affected by my injury and I am having a hard time following the Science GED material on the website. I think that if I can take notes it will help.? Jenny, ?Wouldn?t it be better to just wait until your memory improves?? Erin, ?I have finished 3 of 4 subtests and want to finish the last before the end of June, because I will start being very pregnant then. I absolutely want to be done with the GED before I give birth. I cannot imagine studying or taking a test when I have a year-old and two newborns.? Jenny, ?OK, I will go get the stuff now. I have some pads at my desk.? This request was also just like Brian, focused on a way to achieve a goal. Jenny said goodbye and went upstairs and picked up a pencil and eraser and pad from her desk and came back to Erin?s room and gave it to her. Erin pulled her hospital table over and turned her tablet on and found the GED website and started reading again, this time taking notes as she went along. She worked hard to be organized and properly identify each topic in the article and keep separate notes on different topics. It was slow and painful, but at the end of an hour, she felt she comprehended the pages she had read. Then she took a break and fell asleep for a half hour. When she awoke, her roommate said she had had a phone call. So, Erin looked at voicemail and found a message from the prosecutor at the county asking her to call back. She called, and they said they needed to get a statement from her regarding Friday night. Was there any time they could come over? She said she was not going anywhere. But they pressed her for a time and she said, ?How about 11 today?? They said they would be there. At 11, two people from the prosecutor?s office showed up. They had a camera with them and photographed her face and neck from several angles. After that, they conducted the most thorough interview Erin had ever gone through. First, they asked ?Do you mind being recorded?? She said, ?No problem.? Then they turned the recorder on and said ?This is a statement from Erin McLoughlin regarding an incident that occurred Friday Evening, March 29, 2017. Miss McLoughlin, please go through the incident in your own words.? Erin, ?OK, I arrived home from work about 5:30. My mother was already home and doing some housework. I said hi and went upstairs to my bedroom to change my 6-month-old daughter?s diaper. I finished doing that and took the diaper into the soaking bucket in the bathroom, when I heard a loud thump. It sounded like a large object hitting the floor, not like a dish or something smaller. When something like that happens, mom always says something. But she said nothing. This spooked me because my former boyfriend had threatened me the week before and I was on edge. I remembered that my sister had been cleaning a revolver in her room, so I let myself in, and got the revolver. It had a trigger lock, so I looked for the key, and found one. I went back to my room where it was lighter, intending to unlock it there. I had a hard time but finally got it unlocked. Just then Rex, my former boyfriend, burst into my room. I did not have a chance to bring the gun up to protect myself and my daughter, so I hid it under a blanket. My boyfriend is over 6 ft 7 inches tall and weighs 280 lbs. He choked me and threatened me unless I gave him sex. So, I said I would, and got on my knees. He likes oral sex with me on my knees, as the first course. The next course is anal. Then he said we would go away and leave my daughter behind and go on the road again and that I had no choice. The week before he stated his intent to force me to get an abortion. I couldn?t let that happen. So, as I was giving oral, I reached under the blanket and brought up the gun and shot Rex. Apparently, it wasn?t very effective, because an instant latter Rex hit me with his fist on the side of my head and knocked me over and I hit something hard with the back of my head. After that my memory is hazy. Somehow, I managed to hold onto the gun. My eyesight was cloudy, so I couldn?t see much. I fired in his general direction twice. I heard him scream at the first shot. Then I got up and saw him writhing on the floor. I went over and picked up my daughter and went downstairs. I sort of remember almost falling several times. When I got downstairs, my mom was tied up with a washcloth in her mouth. I think I pulled the washcloth out. Then I think mom told me to get the phone and call 911. After that, I don?t know. Everything is hazy.? Then the agents went into Q&A mode and dissected every detail of her statement, forcing Erin to say she couldn?t remember several times. Finally, they were done and turned off the recorder. Erin felt like a dunce. She said, ?I?m sorry I can?t remember more.? One of the agents said, ?Hey, that is a good statement. Most people embellish or omit things. You gave a lot of detail and gave creditable statements for most of the questions. Good Job.? That made Erin feel a little better. She asked, ?So what is next?? He said he didn?t know. They would review the evidence and decide whether to prosecute. She said, ?What? You might not prosecute? God, the guy forced his way into my house, tied up my mother and gagged her, and forced me to have sex. What does he have to do to be prosecuted?? The agent said, ?In this case, we almost certainly will prosecute. We have a lot of evidence that your old boyfriend broke into your home with intent to kidnap you. But the fact that you shot him while having sex makes what happened a little less certain. His father is defending him, and he is a good lawyer. You can expect a personal smear. It won?t be effective given the threats Rex made the week before. But it will be unpleasant. The goal is to make you feel so dirty that you give up. We will see how it goes. There is a bail hearing next week.? Then Erin asked, ?Is it likely he will get bail?? One of them squirmed and said ?I think it is very possible. If he does, it will be high bail, with some sort of requirement for electronic monitoring.? Erin, ?That is unbelievable. He has threatened to kill me and almost fulfilled the threat. How could he not be a danger to me and my children?? The thought of Rex running around free on bail before trial terrified Erin. One of the prosecutors said, ?The law gives him, or rather his lawyer, lots of room to argue. We will vigorously oppose bail. I think we have a good shot to keep him in jail. But no guarantees.? At the end one of the prosecutors gave her his card, so she could call them if she had anything to add. By the time the prosecutors left, Erin was livid and had a headache again. She asked the nurse for an aspirin. At 12:30, Clara came in to visit. Erin had lots to talk to her about. She told her about their mothers visit and that she felt she would have to see Brian before she could believe that he was someone other than her son. Clara agreed with Erin that that was actually a good `thing since it gave her a clear-cut criterion for accepting the truth. Clara also thought it was OK that she wanted to see Brian alone. It didn?t matter whether they were there or not. Even if he wanted to, they didn?t think he could pass himself off as Brian, and if they weren?t there, she couldn?t think they had persuaded her what to believe. Then, Erin told Clara about the two prosecutors? comments that they weren?t sure if they would prosecute Rex and if they did, they might let him loose on bail. She said that infuriated her. What did he have to do to get prosecuted or be refused bail? Erin would live in terror if he were let out. Clara said, ?Erin, you are an abused woman and are experiencing what a lot of abused women experience. It seems that the law is sometimes more interested in a rapist?s rights than his victim?s safety. Many people are working to make the law fairer to an abused woman who might be further victimized. It?s much fairer now than 5 years ago and will be fairer five years from now. But for now, all you can do is find a way to protect yourself if necessary.? After Clara went back to work, Erin thought about all the implications of her comment, and felt like crying. But she was determined she was not going to let a jerk like Rex destroy her. Too many people were counting on her, starting with three children. When her lunch came, her stomach was so upset that she only ate a few bites. She knew she should eat more, but just couldn?t get it down. She did use the jello to wash down a budesonide. Hopefully she could eat better at dinner. Then Erin did some more reading and took more notes for the Science GED. It wasn?t what she wanted to do, but it was the only thing productive she could do, and it made her suppress her anger and emotional turmoil. Soon she got wrapped up in her studies and started to feel better. The work of intelligent men and women she read about made Erin think that Rex, however evil he was, was an anomaly, and most people lived good lives and tried to do good, useful things. The thought comforted her. All she had to do was figure out how to protect herself against the few evil men and women there were. That meant she had to put talking to Brian about how to protect herself against Rex back on her agenda. And she had to put a gun safety class and target practice back on her agenda. Not what she wanted to do, but it was what she felt she had to do. At about 4, she took a nap and then woke up and ordered dinner. Before it arrived, Mom McLoughlin and Mary came in for a visit. Erin took Mary and held her and responded to her desire to nurse, all while talking to her mother. Her mother talked about her day and how everyone was doing. Then Erin told her about her visit from the two agents from the prosecutor?s office, the most important part of which was that Rex could get bail and they could even decide not to prosecute at all. Mom was outraged too, and having been tied up and threatened by Rex, was also fearful both for herself and for her daughter and granddaughter. After work, Fran came by and Erin told her the same thing. Fran said ?Yes, that is the system Erin. It happens more often than you might think.? Erin asked, ?Would it make any difference if I showed up at the bail hearing, or at the that grand jury that decides whether to indict?? Fran, ?Well, you might not be able to speak at the bail hearing. It depends on the judge. And you would have to sit there for hours until they get to it. Are you up to it?? Erin, ?I don?t know. But I want to try. A lot rides on it.? Fran, ?I would tell the prosecutors. If they don?t get back to you and say they would request your testimony, then it would be a waste of time.? Erin, ?I don?t care. Just being there might be important. Mom might testify too.? Then Erin said, ?When I get home and can physically do it, I need to do the firearm training. I never again want to be defenseless and forced to obey a monster. Will you still help me, within the law of course? Maybe I should ask another question. Will it endanger your job to help me?? Fran assured Erin she would do everything she could. On Thursday, the neurologist came in and checked Erin?s ability to get up and walk and talk and her memory. He said she was doing very well and might be ready to go home Friday, as long as she had someone with her all weekend. He said he would put in an order for a nurse to help her walk for exercise in the hallways every four hours, so she could regain some strength. Erin was happy for that. Aside from that, Erin spent most of her time studying for the Science GED. It was slow going. She could feel her ability to reason and remember increasing with time, but it was so slow. She still painfully wrote out notes as she read and then wrote other notes to remember special circumstances and to relate different study materials. She had no illusions that she was as quick or perceptive as before the incident. But she felt OK because she was improving, and she was making progress with her studies. On Friday Morning Jenny visited. She had managed to confirm that Brian Sanders was an inmate at Nola Prison in the medium security section. She had requested an appointment to visit him, but he had refused. So, jenny asked if Erin could arrange a joint visit. Erin said she thought that a visit of she, Clara, and Jenny Brian could be arranged. Jenny said that if Erin and Clara expected the discussion to reveal who Brian was, they would have to allow Brian and Jenny to speak without prompting or interruption. Erin said that would be fine. It would be a couple of weeks because Erin still had problems with her coordination and mental quickness and memory and would prefer not to be put in stressful situations for a while. Jenny agreed to that. Then she said she heard that Erin was probably being released to go home Friday, but she was sure that Clara had her number. Erin said yes but told Jenny her cell phone number anyway. Then Erin once again said she was happy that Jenny knew what had happened and that Erin, or rather Brian, loved her and had missed her. Jenny said, ?Well, I will have to wait to respond to that. I still find the whole story impossible to believe.? Later in the morning, the neurologist came in and checked Erin over again and said she could walk on her own now as long as she walked slowly and carefully and could go home as long as she wouldn?t be alone this weekend. Erin called her mother and told her that she could go home as long as someone was with her through Sunday. Mom said she would pick her up after work and they would go pick up Mary and go home. This time Erin was not allowed to be out in the public areas of the hospital until someone arrived to take her home, so she stayed in the room until Mom arrived. She called Clara and told her she was being discharged today. Clara told Erin she would call her over the weekend. Clara could not get away for lunch, so would not see Erin until later. Between walks, Erin studied as much as possible. She took advantage of the opportunity today, however inefficient she was at studying right now, because once she got home it would be harder getting study time. At 5:30, her mother came in and signed the paperwork certifying that she was taking Erin home. Erin was surprised that she was required to be assisted out to the car in a wheelchair. It underlined the seriousness of her injuries. Nevertheless, Erin felt good enough to go into infant care to get Mary. Mary recognized her and wanted to be picked up immediately. Her mother asked if it would be safe for her to carry Mary out to the car, and Erin said she would be careful. As soon as they sat down in the seat, Mary wanted to nurse. Erin knew that people could see into the car, but she allowed it anyway, Mary?s desires came first in this case. When they got home, she noticed there was a body outline on the floor. Mom said she had tried to clean it but couldn?t get rid of it completely. Erin assumed it was her. Once again it underlined the seriousness of what happened one week ago today. Erin?s Friday night and Saturday were very quiet. Erin cared for her daughter, slept for hours, watched a little TV, and just spent time with her mother and father, and with her sister when she was home. On Sunday, Erin decided she was well enough to go to church. Like usual, she was confined to the nursery with Debbie and another young woman, named Sara like Debbie?s sister but with a different spelling, who was married and was attending the church for the second time. She asked if she would have to be in the nursery as long as she had an infant. Erin and Debbie did not know. Then the pastor gave a sermon about women who lured men into lawless acts and who was the villain in that case. Erin and Debbie assumed it was aimed at Erin and commented about what a bastard the Pastor was. Then they had to tell Sara about their history with the pastor and what had happened to Erin. It was clear Sara was a little skeptical, thinking they might just be imagining things. What Man of God would behave as they portrayed the pastor?s behavior? Erin didn?t care. Sara would either figure it out or she wouldn?t. It didn?t matter to Erin. After the service, Erin spent some time talking to others her own age and found most of them knew Rex and absolutely believed that he had broken into her home. But those who didn?t know Rex might believe the rumors that were swirling around that Erin had invited Rex in and then shot him. In these rumors, the tying up of Erin?s mom was ignored. What a farce. Erin talked with Debbie about childcare the next week. She was reluctant to try it too soon. But Debbie pressed her, because otherwise she would miss most of the week at school. Finally, Erin asked Debbie to tell her parents about her being slow and unsteady and having problems with concentration and memory and see what they wanted. Debbie said, ?Geez Erin, you can?t be more unsteady or have more problems with concentration than my Great Aunt, and mom has allowed that once. She?s a nice lady, but I certainly trust you more than her, even now.? But Debbie did say she would insure her parents knew about Erin?s problems with mobility and memory and see what they said, and call Erin later. When Debbie called later, she said her parents were comfortable with Erin caring for Jeremy as long as she took precautions when carrying him from place to place and had detailed lists of instructions to compensate for any memory lapses. Debbie would take the responsibility for preparing the lists. Erin said OK. That evening, Erin carefully wrote a list of things she needed to get done during the week: call the prosecutors regarding showing up at the bail hearing; call LaTesha and Mrs. Lincoln and apologize for missing visiting the weekend before and make a time for the next weekend; study for GED; call Brian?s visiting facility and try to get an appointment to visit the same weekend; copy some of the Science GED stuff for LaTesha. Erin didn?t put anything on the list about target practice. She didn?t feel safe doing that yet. Then she remembered that she still owed a thank you to the boys who helped her two Fridays ago, and added an action item to finish that. Despite Erin?s concerns, there were no difficulties taking care of the two babies that week. Mary managed to almost fall off the bed twice that week, and both times Erin was able to scoot around the bed quickly enough to grab her before it happened. This improved Erin?s self-confidence immensely. In addition, as the week went along, Erin?s could feel her balance and memory improve. By the end of the week she could read her GED material much more easily than at the beginning. The neurologist had told her it might be weeks before she was anywhere near back to what she had been before the incident, or it might be only a week or two. Erin was thankful it was the shorter time. Her facial appearance improved somewhat too. The swelling had almost disappeared. Additionally, her older bruises from two weeks ago were becoming less noticeable. However, the big bruise on her head and the bruises on her neck were still ugly, turning a bright purple. Erin wanted to ask someone the best way to cover them with makeup. She put that on her list of things to do. On Monday, while the two babies were asleep, she called the prosecutors and asked them if it would be useful if she testified. They said it might. They had already set a strategy for the hearing that involved a statement of the threats Rex had made the week before and a description of the violent events of Mar 29, as well as some pictures of the damage done to Erin. It also turned out that Rex had made an indiscrete statement when they had both been in the emergency room about wishing she would die, which they intended to use against him. But, her testimony might highlight the violence of the two events, and maybe bring in earlier threats. If she was going to testify, they would want to see her before the actual hearing to talk to her about what she would say. The hearing was Thursday Evening at 7:30. Erin agreed to meet them at 6 at the courthouse. That evening, Erin checked her list and decided that the only thing she could do was call Mrs. Lincoln. So, she gave her a call. Mrs. Lincoln answered on the third ring and Erin said, ?Hi Mrs. Lincoln.? Carol, ?Erin, it?s great to hear from you. Are you all right? I heard you were badly hurt.? Erin, ?Yes, I?m OK. I was lucky again. The bastard could have killed me. He sure enough tried.? Mrs. Lincoln, ?I?m so sorry Erin. So many young women seem to go for the bad boys, and then get hurt in the process.? Erin, ?Well, I have learned my lesson, I?ll tell you that. I just wanted to call to apologize for missing our visit with LaTesha. I?m hoping you were able to get a hold of her and tell her.? Carol, ?I did. But of course, it was after the visit was scheduled. But I told her you had been attacked and were in a coma, and she certainly understood why you didn?t make it.? Erin, ?How is LaTesha doing anyway? Is her release data still on track?? Carol, ?I haven?t heard any changes. But changes are likely to come at the end, when they review everything. Keeping our fingers crossed. I miss my baby and want her home as soon as possible.? Erin, ?I was thinking about rescheduling the visit for the weekend after next. What do you think?? Carol, ?If you are going and want me along, I?ll be there.? Erin, ?I love riding with you Carol. You?re good company. I?ll try to set up something. I?ll call LaTesha tomorrow and see if that weekend is OK and if it is a go I?ll set up a ride. Mom might not drive. Another person wants to come along and see Brian and she drives.? Carol, ?I might be able to drive in a few weeks. Since I started at Pederson?s, we have been saving for a car.? Erin, ?That?s great. I?m glad things are looking up. I?ll call you later in the week.? Erin?s next step was to call and try to set up appointments with Brian and LaTesha. But she knew the odds were not good reaching anyone on Monday Evening. But she tried anyway. As expected she could not get through to LaTesha in three tries. But she managed to get through to the visiting desk at Brian?s prison section and tentatively scheduled a visit for her, Jenny, and Clara. The guard Erin talked to said she could call back on Wednesday to confirm. OK, that was all she could do for now regarding visits to Nola. The last thing she did was ask mom for advice on how to minimize the appearance of the big bruise on her face. Mom had some ideas but thought Erin should talk to a cosmetologist. Tuesday, Erin talked her mom into taking her shopping and to the library and to a cosmetologist. Before leaving she did her best to cover the bruise with makeup. They went to a mall with a grocery story. Erin started by going to the cosmetologist at a department store and getting an appointment later that evening. Then she picked up some thank you cards for the guys who had stood up to help her a couple of Friday?s ago. After that it was time to go back to the cosmetologist. Erin described what she needed help with and the lady looked at her and said she had noticed the bruise. Erin smiled and said, ?Like you could not notice it?? The lady laughed and chose some products that would be good to cover the bruise and showed Erin how to apply them. Erin was amazed at the difference. The bruises were still visible, but someone would need to look twice to see how large and angry they were. The Erin saw a Copy Shop with WIFI and decided to do the copying there instead of at the library. Erin found and copied 5 study sections for the Science section of the GED for LaTesha. After that, they went home, and Erin tried to call LaTesha several times but still could not get through. Wednesday, Erin managed to get through to LaTesha and found there were no appointment times left for the Saturday morning two weeks away. So, she made one for three weeks away. Then she called Brian?s visitor center and found that she and Jenny and Clara were confirmed for two weeks away. Well that might be OK. It would be simpler to visit Brian with just Jenny and Clara rather than include Mrs. Lincoln. So, she called Clara and asked ?Are we good for visiting Brian Saturday two weekends away. He has confirmed that date. Unfortunately, no time is available to visit my other friend. So, it is just a visit to Brian.? Clara ?Yes we are planning on it. What time?? Erin, ?1 PM, so we need to leave at least by 11. But it might be better to eat on the road and leave at 9:30. It would give the three of us a chance to talk.? Clara, ?OK, I?ll confirm with our mom. If I don?t tell you different, we will pick you up at 9:30. What else is happening?? Erin, ?Well, Debbie is comfortable with me caring for Jeremy, so I am doing that this week. It was supposed to be three times a week, but it is more like full-time. That is OK. They are paying me well. And I am going to go to Rex?s bail hearing Thursday night. I?m dreading that. Apparently, his father is a lawyer and is representing him, and he is very aggressive.? Clara, ?God, Erin. Are you sure you are up to that?? Erin, ?I?ve got to do it because I don?t want to see that psychopath running around free. I wouldn?t put it past him doing the same thing again, and I might not be so lucky.? Clara, ?OK, Erin. Just remember you sustained a very serious head injury. If the stress or anything else starts getting to you, please call it off. There is only so much you can do.? Erin, ?I will. Thanks for caring, Sis.? The only thing left to do was to see if mom could make the Saturday 2? weeks away. So, she went out to the kitchen and said ?Mom, I talked to LaTesha tonight and tentatively made a visiting appointment the Saturday 2? weeks from now. Would you be able to drive then?? Mom, ?Sure Erin. It?ll be fun to see her again.? Erin thought how considerate mom was and how much Erin loved her and went over and gave her a hug and said, ?Thank You, Mom.? Then she called Mrs. Lincoln and explained the delay and asked if she could visit on Saturday, 2? weeks from now. Mrs. Lincoln was a little disappointed at the delay but said yes. That was it for Erin?s list, so she just spent the rest of the evening giving Mary some extra attention. The next night was the bail hearing. After work, Mom picked up Mary and they went out to a fast-food dinner near the courthouse. They met the prosecutor that would handle the bail hearing at 6:00 as planned. He started off with a general comment, ?Remember, tonight we are not trying to convict Rex of home-invasion sexual assault. We are trying to convince the bail judge that Rex is too dangerous to be at large. There are several parts to that. One is just the brutality of the crime. We have statements from the doctor?s that treated you, along with full-color glossy photos to show you were beaten up badly and almost killed. We will combine that with your testimony of threats he has made in the past to demonstrate that he had made a threat and was close to carrying it out. So, the most important testimony will be regarding past threats. Additionally, we have a statement from the officer who was monitoring Rex in the emergency room that he made another threatening statement as you were laying there unconscious. It should be clear that he intends you harm and is willing to carry out his intent.? Then he went over her statement in depth, he was satisfied after getting her to prune her conclusions. She was only to testify as to what she saw and heard. Then he said. ?I?ve seen Rex?s father in action. You can expect him to attack you personally. He will probably portray you as unstable and immoral and point out some of the issues ln your past. You cannot react. You have to be calm and let your demeaner indicate you are stable and moral. I will have a chance to reexamine and if it goes as expected, I will be able to bring up some of your recent successes as an indication that whatever you may have been in high school, you are now as mature or more mature than the average 19-year-old woman.? After that it was a matter of waiting. Finally, at 7:45, the court considered the matter of bail for Rex Luther. After the facts of the case were read, the prosecutor requested Rex be held without bail because he was a threat to the victim of the crime. Then to demonstrate the brutality of the attack, he presented the statements of the neurologist that had treated Erin and some photos of her injuries. Finally, he said he was prepared to present evidence that Rex had threatened the victim numerous times before the actual attack. Rex?s father then made the counter motion that Rex be released until trial without bail, although he didn?t expect to get it, given that Rex was not and never had been gainfully employed. He stated that Rex had been lured to the alleged victim?s home and shot while having consensual sex. Then he had reacted by hitting the woman to get her away from him, so she couldn?t shoot him again. He also stated that Erin was an unstable woman who had had numerous problems during high school where she had gotten the nickname ?Crazy Erin.? Erin had never graduated from high school. She had prostituted herself numerous times while she and Rex had been together, and he had finally thrown her out in disgust. She had never taken good care of her and Rex?s child but was now pregnant by another man. Her statements regarding Rex should not be considered because of this record of instability. When she heard this, Erin felt, like many women before in similar circumstances, that she was on trial, not Rex. The judge then asked the lawyers to come up to the bench and confer. Apparently, he could not get them to agree on a settlement, so he said he would allow testimony on the claims of the two lawyers. Erin was the first to testify. The prosecutor just asked her to talk about any threats Rex had made to her prior to or during the events of Friday, March 28. She then told them of the events of the previous October when Rex had thrown her and her daughter, naked, out of the room they occupied and threatened to kill her if she came back. And then when she tried to sneak back in to get some clothes for her and her daughter, how he had raped her, and thrown her clothes and her out into the hallway again and again threatened to kill her if he ever saw her again. Then she testified as to the events of March 21, when Rex had threatened to make her go on the road with him again and leave her daughter behind, and how he said he would ?get her an abortion? so she wouldn?t be tied down and could do what he wanted. She also testified as to his threat as he was forced to leave, that it wasn?t over, and they would settle this just the two of them later. Then she testified that when he broke into her room, he reminded her of that threat and again made the threats to get rid of her children.? Then Rex?s father cross-examined Erin. He repeated his previous allegations that Erin had invited Rex to her room for sex and asked him to tie up her mother, so she couldn?t interfere. Erin denied them, but that wasn?t the point. He had planted the seed in the judges mind an alternate explanation for police observations that evening. Then the lawyer went through numerous incidents that the previous Erin had been involved in in high school and while she and Rex had been traveling around together and asked if each were true. Erin confirmed those allegations she knew it was true, but just said she didn?t remember the other allegations. In most cases she had to say she couldn?t remember. But she was aware that by confirming some allegations and not denying others, she was tacitly confirming all the allegations. Then the prosecutor stood up and said ?Your honor, the prosecution will stipulate that the witness had a troubled youth. However, her behavior in her recent past has been much more responsible.? The defense objected that the stipulation contained an argument, which was inappropriate. Then the judge called for a short recess and he and the two lawyers went into his chambers for a conference. Erin was grateful for an opportunity to have some water. The prosecutor then asked more questions. ?Erin, after you and Rex split in October, what did you do?? Erin, ?I came home and requested my parents help.? Prosecution, ?What kind of help?? Erin, ?I needed to get off Percocet?s. I had a drug habit, and I felt that in order to care for my child I needed to get clean. In addition, I was nursing and was concerned that it would affect my child.? Prosecution, ?So what happened?? Erin, ?My parents paid for me to go to a rehab center, and I spent two weeks detoxing.? Prosecutor, ?Have you taken drugs since then?? Erin, ?No. In fact, in the hospital I have avoided any pain killer that might have opioids. Even when I was beaten up, I only had aspirin.? Next the prosecutor asked, ?Erin, have you done anything to address your lack of a high school diploma?? Erin, ?Yes sir, I have been working on the GED since October. To get a GED you must pass four tests. I have taken and passed three, in Math, Social Sciences, and English. I am currently studying for the Science GED.? Prosecution, ?Your honor, I am prepared to submit records to corroborate that claim. It shows grades on the three tests that are well above average.? Then he asked, ?Erin, have you been employed at all since October?? Erin, ?Yes sir, I worked for a month in a construction company office preparing some reports, and other than that I have been caring for a friend?s infant almost full time. Prosecution, ?Have you had any incidents when you got in trouble with the law since October?? Erin, ?No, Sir.? Finally, the prosecutor asked, ?Erin, how did you become pregnant?? Erin, ?I was raped. I went to a restaurant to meet a friend, and four hours later woke up buck naked in Lambert park. Laboratory tests indicated I had GHB, a frequent date-rape drug, in my system.? Then the prosecutor gave the judge the police report regarding Erin?s rape, and told the judge he was finished for now. Next the defense attorney, Rex?s father, had a chance to respond and asked Erin if she was pregnant again. Erin said yes, she had been raped. The defense asked if she had prostituted herself when she and Rex had been traveling together. The prosecuting attorney objected and said that no evidence had been presented regarding prostitution. The Judge overruled the objection. Erin said she didn?t remember. The defense attorney snorted contemptuously said, ?You don?t remember a lot of your misdeeds do you Ms. McLoughlin. The prosecuting attorney objected, and the judge said that comment should be stricken from the records. Then the defense asked Erin if in fact she hadn?t been still taking drugs and prostituting herself to buy them all this last 5 months when she had claimed to be acting responsibility. Erin said ?No? emphatically. Then the defense asked if it wasn?t true that her sister had fabricated the record of the disappearance to keep her parents from knowing that she was actively prostituting herself to earn money for drugs. Erin was visibly angered at that insinuation, but kept control and said, ?That is not true.? Finally, Rex?s father asked, ?Ms. McLoughlin, is it not true that you had memory problems when you woke up in the hospital on April 1? In fact, is it not true that you remembered being a male engineer, and that you went through a psychiatric evaluation on that basis?? Erin, ?Yes, it is true.? Then the prosecutor had one more chance and asked her ?Erin, what other effects did the blow on the side of the head have immediately after you woke up?? Erin said, ?Slowness of thought, difficulty concentrating, clumsiness.? Prosecution, ?And have those symptoms gone away?? Erin, ?Mostly.? Prosecution, ?Do you still think you are a male engineer.? Erin, ?No, I?m obviously female, and I didn?t graduate from high school, let alone an engineering college.? Then Rex testified. ?He repeated the allegation that Erin called him to invite him to her room for sex and he hit her when she shot him in the nether regions. He also said Erin had asked him to tie up her mom, so she couldn?t interfere with the sexual relations.? The prosecution had a field day. ?Did he have any corroboration for his claim. For example, testimony from witnesses that he told them or perhaps a hone log?? ?No.? ?Was her baby on the bed when he went in, allegedly on invitation from Erin to have sex?? ?Yes.? ?Didn?t that seem unusual. Why would she not put the baby in the bassinet, so it would be out of the way? ?Don?t know.? ?According to the police report, Erin?s mother had been hogtied and secured to a couch and gagged. Did Erin tell you to do that?? Rex sneered, ?Yeah. She did.? Then the prosecutor turned the tables and attacked Rex. ?When was the last time you had a job.? ?Never.? ?How did you live when your parents were not supporting you?? ?Erin worked as a prostitute.? ?So, you were a pimp?? ?No, it was her idea.? Then the prosecutor brought up several incidents where Rex had committed a violent offence and asked him about the incident. Rex often stumbled over details, but the usual claim was that the other person had started the incident. In all those cases, his father had represented him and gotten him off. Finally, the prosecution asked Rex his height and weight, Rex, ?6?7?, 280 lbs.? So, would guys come into a bar and notice what a wimp you were and try to push you around and you would have to defend yourself?? Rex sneered, ?Yes, I guess so.? Finally, the prosecutor said ?Rex, what did you say when you noticed Erin, unconscious, in the emergency room?? Rex, ?I don?t remember.? Prosecutor, ?Was it ?Hey bitch. I knew I clocked you good. I hope you die, cunt??? Rex, ?I don?t remember.? Prosecutor, ?Your honor, I have a signed statement from a nurse and the police officer who was guarding Rex that that is exactly what he said.? Then the lawyers summed up, basically repeating their earlier claims. The only wrinkle was that the prosecutor gave evidence that the net worth or the defendant?s father, who in the past has posted bail, was well over $10 million, making the average bail inconsequential and asking that if the judge assigned bail, he make it in the amount of $10 million. The judge then said he would take a 10-minute break to consider his decision. He came back and reconvened the court. He said, ?I do not like to deny bail. In doing so I am in a sense prejudging a case and denying a defendant his freedom without a trial. However, in this case there is abundant evidence that the defendant has threatened the victim and has every intent of carrying out that threat. Furthermore, there is no indication that a high bail will guarantee good behavior. Defendant has absolutely no stake in the community, having not lived with his family for months and having no visible means of support. Furthermore, his family is very wealthy so high bail will not be a deterrent to flight to avoid prosecution. Bail is denied, and the defendant is remanded to custody until his trial.? Rex?s father was very unhappy after this decision. He had never failed to get bail when he went to criminal court. He asked the prosecutor and Erin and her mother for a meeting after the hearing. Erin took Mary from her mother and they went to the chambers in another court for a meeting. Rex?s father proposed Rex be allowed to plead guilty to simple assault with a recommended sentence of 2 years. He hinted that there might be a $1 million payout if Erin accepted. Otherwise, during the trial, he would drag Erin through the sewer where she belonged. He said he regarded Erin as a fat whore and a gold digger. He would dig up every speck of dirt on her and spread it far and wide. If she wanted to avoid that, she would take the deal. For Erin it was a bizarre conversation. She and Rex?s father obviously fought in the past and he hated her, but she had absolutely no memory of him and could not say why he hated her. Erin responded, ?I don?t think so. The only thing I want is for me and my children to be safe. I can?t be safe with Rex running around free, and there is no way you can guarantee his good behavior. Furthermore, he is a danger to any other woman who displeases him. I am not out for money and will not accept money to drop the charges.? After he stomped out of the meeting, the prosecutor and Erin?s mother both congratulated her on standing strong on principle. The prosecutor said, ?You know he was trying to intimidate you, don?t you? He?s known for that, and he?s one of the best at it. Congratulations on not being intimidated. But you should know that if it goes to trial, his threats are not empty. This hearing was unpleasant, but a trial will be much more unpleasant. He will drag you through the mud and into the sewer. To avoid that, I will give him a hint that if Rex wants to plead to something substantial, i.e., something that puts Rex away for 15 years or so, we will consider it.? As they drove home, Erin and her mother were silent, sobered up by the evening?s events. Then her mother said, ?Erin, I?m so happy you are no longer attracted to Rex. He and his father are so disagreeable. I once wished you had wed because of Mary. But not now, there is no way I would want to be related to Rex.? Erin laughed. ?Thanks, Mom, me neither.? The next day and the weekend were very quiet. Erin was bored at first, but as the weekend went along, she took time to play with Mary and rest and get some studying done and was glad to have a low-key weekend. The next week was also routine. Erin was feeling better and better and started taking walks with Mary in the evening. She also got some study time during the day and evening. The third Saturday in April, Erin went with Clara and Jenny to Nola Prison. Jenny and Clara picked Erin and Mary up at 9:30 and they drove to the town of Nola and stopped at a Chain restaurant for lunch. Erin had a half sandwich and salad but found herself struggling to finish her food. But her stomach was rumbling and every time she put a bite in her mouth it tightened up more. So, she just sat there and drank coffee holding Mary and playing with her a little while the other two women ate. After a few minutes, Mary communicated she was hungry and Erin situated her, so she could access her breast and nurse. One of the waitresses came by and said, ?We don?t allow nursing in the restaurant, Maam,? with a look that said she was embarrassed to be enforcing this rule. So, Erin borrowed Jenny?s car keys and went out to the car. Mary finished in 15 minutes and Erin cleaned her up and changed her diapers and went back into the restaurant. Clara had noticed that Erin had not eaten much and asked, ?Not hungry, Erin.? Erin, ?No, my stomach is bothering me. Nerves, maybe. I wish I brought the medicine I take for stomach problems.? Clara, ?OK, let?s talk about what we need to get accomplished and put together a game plan. I think the most important thing is for Mom to talk to Brian as much as she needs to in order to get a feel for what is going on with Brian. Any one disagree?? Nobody said they did, so Clara said, ?How do you want to handle that mom?? Jenny said, ?Well, after introductions and pleasantries, I would like to talk to him for a while without any interruptions or contributions from you two. Please only talk if I ask you a question. Then we might get into some specifics about who he is and how he got that way. But please don?t lead him in any way.? The three women agreed that was the way it would go. Then Clara said, ?I would like to talk to him about his future and what we might do to help him.? Jenny concurred. ?Even if he is not Brian, I don?t want to just let him founder. He deserves some of our help just because of the biological relationship. Erin had to comment here, ?But you have to understand that his biggest problem is himself. If he won?t change his behavior, he will keep failing. So too much help without finding a way to require responsible behavior will not really help. Offers of help should be contingent on good behavior.? Jenny thought this was too harsh and said they should see how he does before threatening him with withdrawal of aid. Erin disagreed and said, ?Although this person has helped me at times, he has also raped me, more than once. He committed a crime that may have cost an elderly woman her mobility. He is self-centered to the extreme and unwilling to think of the consequences of his actions. If you don?t recognize this, he will take advantage of you. Only give him real help that will improve things for him.? In the end they agreed not to offer specific types of help today, but rather to just explore the idea. Then Erin said, ?I need to talk to Brian about Rex. Rex will be out of prison sometime, sooner or later. I need to know as much as I can about him, so I can stay away from him.? Jenny, ?Why would Brian be able to tell you anything about Rex.? Erin, ?The current Brian was once me, Erin. Before the switch, Erin had a relationship with Rex, traveled around the country with him, and Mary is Rex?s child. The current Brian has already told me some things about Rex and knows a lot more.? Jenny shook her head skeptically and said ?Lets address the other two issues first. Then you can take over the conversation and I will be quiet.? Soon it was 12:30 and time to leave for the prison. Erin was wearing a opaque blouse enclosed around the neck and a long dress and noticed Clara was dressed similarly. But, Jenny had dressed in a sundress that showed a lot of skin. Erin figured it was going to be very unpleasant walking down the hall to the visiting room. Had Jenny not gotten the advice Erin had given Clara, or had she just chosen to ignore it, as a sign that she didn?t respect Erin?s opinion? Oh well, nothing to be done about it now. Erin directed Jenny to the visitors? section for the male prisoners. After parking, Erin, Mary, Clara and Jenny walked to the office area and Erin checked in at the desk and they waited. Then one of the guards said, ?Erin McLoughlin?. Erin stepped up. The guard issued a caution that loud discussions and arguments with prisoners, were prohibited. In case of an argument, the guards would escort the visitor out and escort the prisoner back to his cell. Erin said, ?Yes, Sir,? knowing that her behavior at the previous meeting was the cause of this warning. After 1 PM, Jenny asked if Erin had gotten the time wrong, it was past the agreed appointment time. Erin explained that sometimes things can be delayed for one reason or another. It might be as long as an hour. Then Erin cautioned them again not to react to anything said as they walked down the corridor to the visiting room. It would only make it worse. Finally, after 20 minutes, the officer in charge called them up and said they could proceed to the visiting area. Did they need the directions? Erin said she knew how to get there. As Erin expected, as soon as they got out into the corridor the catcalls and lewd comments started. Jenny was almost 50 but was still very attractive and most of the comments were aimed at her, although there were plenty of comments to Clara and to ?Blondie,? even though she sported a large bruise on her face and bruises on her neck that makeup could not totally obscure. By the time, they got do the other end of the corridor to the door of the visiting area, all three women were red- faced and embarrassed. They went into the room and spotted Brian at a table in about the middle. Erin walked over to him and smiled and said, ?Hi Brian.? Then she turned and said, ?You remember Clara?? Brian said, ?Yean, I guess.? Then Erin said, ?This is Clara?s mother Jenny.? Brian said, ?Hi Jenny.? Then Jenny got within two feet of Brian, the minimum distance allowed, and said, ?Don?t you recognize me Brian?? Brian had always lacked self-confidence in dealing with people and just shook his head and looked at Erin, a silent appeal for help. But Erin kept her agreement with Jenny and didn?t say anything. Jenny said, ?I?m your mother, Brian.? Brian was totally at a loss and said ?Oh, yeah. Hi mother.? Then Jenny talked to Brian about high school, college, friends, family. Finally, it was clear that Brian had no memory of any of these things, and she asked him directly, ?Are you Brian or Erin?? He said, ?I used to be Erin. Now I?m Brian.? Then he looked at Erin and said, ?I hope I?m not saying anything I shouldn?t.? Erin said, ?No Brian, you?re not. But Brian, no matter who you are, the three of us women have decided we want to help.? He smiled and said ?Thanks. You were pretty pissed off at me last visit. I was hoping it wouldn?t last forever. I don?t have a lot of friends. None here, and almost none outside. I could sure use a friend.? Then Clara jumped in, ?Yes, Brian, in memory of the brother and son you used to be we want to help you, but you have to be ready to work at things too. We?ll help you get your act together while you?re here, help you get the training you need, and be your friends. But without your effort, we can?t do much to make your life better. The old Brian was a happy man with many friends and a good job, and there is no reason you can?t be the same. You have the same capabilities he did.? Brian gave a strained smile and said ?Thanks.? Then Clara asked Jenny if she had any more questions, and she just shook her head. So, they talked with Brian about what they could do to help him. The three women bounced ideas around. Brian was always a step behind. He was not really used to intellectual discussions and goal-oriented group planning. But the women were saying nice things about him, so he was OK with it. Erin suggested that they should bring him young boys? novels to read. The would give him a background or boyhood that would help him socialize and help him improve his reading, which Erin knew he needed if he was ever to hold a decent job. There were other suggestions, but Erin?s carried the day, mainly because Brian said he would like to read fun books. But Clara did ask if he was interested in trying to do a self-study course on engineering, so he could use the old Brian?s degree and work as a professional engineer when he got out. Brian said, ?No, I don?t like math and that stuff. But I like to draw.? They agreed to try to identify various boys books to help Brian the way positive men interacted, and then look for training material for careers that Brian might be interested in. Erin said she would be up next weekend to visit her friend in the young women?s facility and would come over with an initial couple of books, if that was OK. He said ?Yeah. Sounds good,? with some degree of enthusiasm. Then Erin asked, ?Brian, do you want me to tell you about Mary?? He said, ?Is anything wrong?? Erin, ?No. No, she?s fine. The she turned Mary around and said ?Mary, Say hi to Brian. He used to take care of you.? Mary just looked wide-eyed and burbled and waved her hands. Brian smiled and said, ?She is so much bigger than when I had her.? Erin said, ?The pediatrician said she was in the 95th percentile in height. He thinks she will be well over 6 feet tall. And look at her beautiful eyes and her face. She?s going to be gorgeous. And she is so outgoing and smart and loving. She?s going to be a doll. A big doll, but a doll.? Brian said with self-pity in his voice. ?I gave all that up, didn?t I. How could I have been so stupid. But if it hadn?t been for you, Erin, Mary might have been different, not so happy or friendly. When I cared for her, I don?t think I did as good as you. I wasn?t happy being a mother with all that responsibility. Are you happy Erin, being Mary?s mother?? Erin said, ?Very happy Brian. I think it was what I was meant to be.? Then Erin said, ?There?s something else I need to talk to you about, Brian.? He said, ?OK.? Erin, ?I ran into Rex again. He tried to drag me away, to go on the road again, without Mary. He said he would also get me an abortion, so I could just care for him.? Brian, ?That?s Rex. Self-Centered. Like me I guess. But it was fun being on the road and doing crazy things and not having to answer to anyone.? Erin, ?No it wouldn?t be. I wouldn?t want to be in a situation where my only function was to do whatever some jerk said I should do, just to make him happy, whether I or someone else was hurt in the process. I can?t believe you really think that is OK.? Brian, ?I guess not.? Erin, ?So to continue the story, I ran in to Rex at Barrie?s BBQ, and he slapped me around badly and tried to literally drag me off. I wound up in the hospital for a day with a face full of bruises. Fortunately, a couple of guys stood up for me, one of them almost as big as Rex. Rex ran off, but before he left he said it wasn?t over and he was going to get what he wanted or else. A week later he broke into the house, hogtied Mom on the floor, and came upstairs where I was changing Mary. He told me he we were going on the road, but before that he wanted sex. I pretended to do it. But I had a pistol in the bedroom and when he was looking at the ceiling, I shot him in the groin. He punched me hard, almost knocking me out. That?s where this bruise came from. But I shot him again before he could kill me. I didn?t kill him, but he was badly hurt. After that, I lost consciousness for three days. The doctors say I could have easily died if I hadn?t gotten treatment when I did. Anyway, that is why I didn?t show up for out appointment two weeks ago.? Brian replied, ?I saw the bruise on your face Erin. You were lucky. Rex would have no compunction killing you if he could get away with it. I know he almost killed me a couple of times. I remember how mad he was when I insisted on bringing Mary with us when we left my house last fall. He hit me several times over the next couple of days. And once he wanted me to turn a trick for him, but I didn?t want to. He hit me then too. The best thing to do in that situation is whatever he wants. Then he will be fairly good to you.? Erin, ?I?m not going to do what he wants, Brian. I?m not going to leave Mary. I?m not going to abort the two children I am carrying so I can be his slave. He is still in jail for now, but someday he will get out. I need to know what else I can do to avoid him or defend myself. I would appreciate any advice you could give me.? Brian, ?His father will get him out, Erin. He always does. My advice is to disappear before he gets out.? Erin, ?Will you think about whether there is anything else I can do to avoid him, Brian? We can talk more later.? Then their time was over, and Erin said she would make an appointment for next weekend and see Brian then. She said, ?Oh, I almost forgot. I brought some snacks for you. I will turn them in at the desk before I leave.? Brian, ?Thanks, Erin.? So, the three women endured the catcalls again as they went out to the visiting office. Before they left, Erin left Mary with Clara and picked up the bag of snacks and brought them to the office for Brian. Then they drove home. Jenny stopped for some coffee and talk halfway home. As they sat there, Jenny said, ?I?m sorry Erin. I?m sorry I doubted your word. I know after today that you are undoubtedly my son, returned in another form. And I accept that, but it is still so strange. You have his memories. But you look totally different and your voice is different. But when you talk you will use quirky expressions that are his and your approach to life and values are his. I guess the thing that I struggle with most is that Brian was totally male in his interests and feelings. A really nice and loving guy who liked music and literature and art, but in a masculine way. I don?t get the same vibe from you, Erin. I get the feeling that you are almost totally female.? ?But what I need to know now is how can I show you that I love you.? Erin, ?Well, Mom, I could really use a hug.? At that, Jenny broke down and got up and came over to Erin and hugged her new daughter for the first time. Erin broke down and hugged her back. Mary was sitting on Erin?s lap, and seemed to want to be involved, so Jenny included her in the hug too. Then Jenny said, ?Can I hold my granddaughter, Erin.? Erin said ?Sure,? and Jenny took her and said, ?How old is she? 6 months. My, she is a big girl.? Jenny thought for a moment and asked, ?Does Erin?s mother know?? Erin, ?No, I don?t think so. Her and Erin?s relationship was very turbulent and acrimonious before. They fought constantly. To a lesser extent, that applied to Erin?s relationship with everyone in the family, with the occasional exception of her father. When Erin and Rex and Mary disappeared, Erin?s parents? main concern was Mary. But they could hardly get the police to bring Erin in for kidnapping her own daughter, and although Erin was not taking proper care of Mary, her parents could not get evidence of this while she was away. So, they were waiting for an opportunity to do something about it. When I showed up on the scene, it was not hard to convince them that I was having trouble remembering details because of the drug use. I think Erin had not known how bad the relationship was. She had thought I would just show up and her parents would offer help without hesitation. Apparently, that had happened before. But that was not how it went. I had to beg for help. It was only because Erin?s father is a really compassionate and nice guy that they gave me one more chance. The first month at Erin?s house were very difficult. In particular, Erin?s sister made my life miserable. What made it work is that I did what I told them I wanted to do, I successfully detoxed and got off drugs. If I had not done that, I think they had a lawyer on retainer to take Mary and get rid of me. From their point of view, it made sense to save the grandchild and let a child go that could not be saved. After I detoxed, I worked hard to reestablish a relationship with Erin?s mom. I made it a point to learn as much as I could about her and project a positive image. I also got started on a GED program so I could get the high school credentials I needed to someday support Mary on my own. All that showed that I was serious about changing, although to me I wasn?t really changing. I think I have always been a positive person. But Erin?s mom did not know that. She had many notions of who Erin was based on her history. I had to change those notions. Now Erin?s mother and I have a great relationship. I cannot fathom why Erin hated her so much. She is a really nice, loving woman, and I am blessed with two great mothers. But, Erin?s mom does see that I am very different than before, usually better in her eyes. And she sees that I can do things that she never saw Erin do previously. I?m sure she must wonder. But I think she is so happy with our new relationship that she does not question it. I?m not sure it would be a kindness to tell her I am not really her daughter. And as you know, it is a difficult story to believe. If Brian ever wants to reestablish his relationship with his family, I will have to tell them. But otherwise, maybe not.? The Jenny said, ?I don?t quite know what to think of the current Brian. He seems like a nice, quiet, innocuous little guy without any big ambitions. But he is a little difficult to pin down. Did he have difficulty accepting life as a male, Erin.? Erin, ?Didn?t seem to. He was transgendered as a girl, which may be the source of the friction with his parents. After the switch, he said he wanted to try being a boy and wasn?t willing to try to change back right away. And he was fairly happy as long as I was there to help him and provide a sexual outlet for him. He appeared to enjoy sex as a male.? Jenny, ?Was the sexual relationship something you desired too Erin?? Erin, ?Maybe, a little. Just to see what it was like as a woman. But not really. Brian basically forced the issue. I needed drugs, so I wouldn?t go into withdrawal while we were coming home. Brian had drugs. He had stolen them from Rex and hidden them in Erin?s suitcase and then taken them out and squirreled them away somewhere before I was aware I was addicted. Basically, he traded them for sex. I was so na?ve at the time. I just couldn?t see any other way to get home and not go into withdrawal. But I was very upset at having to do it and thought of myself as a whore. I?m sorry Mom. I didn?t know what else to do.? Jenny just nodded and said, ?It?s OK Erin. I think you did fine. You got home and detoxed and took care of Mary. That was important.? Erin, ?I was so ignorant of these things that I didn?t even know the value of the drugs, or the value of the sex. I found out later that each pill was worth $19 on the street. Then, I not only thought of myself as a whore, but a cheap whore. And even during this time Brian gave me GHB once, so he could do something he didn?t think I would allow otherwise. The whole episode is something I?m very embarrassed about. I haven?t done anything like it since? Jenny asked, ?So are you saying Brian is manipulative?? Erin, ?Yes, when he has the opportunity to get something he wants, he might take an action that has drastic consequences to someone else without thinking about it. Like after I got out of rehab, he called and said he wanted to talk, and then he slipped me GHB in a soda and raped me. Why? He wanted sex and he considered this to be ?his? body so he ought to be able to have sex with it if he wanted. He wasn?t totally heedless of the consequences. He assumed that since I was nursing I couldn?t get pregnant. But, he didn?t know I had had a period because I had stopped nursing while I was in rehab. So, I got pregnant. That?s the sort of thing you mainly have to watch for when involved with Brian. He was a particular danger to to me. I understand how he would feel ownership of this body that he was born into. I felt the same way at first. I can remember being so angry at him for gaining weight. He was ruining ?MY? body. It was not logical. I had no idea if I would ever occupy that body again. I was ?living? in another body. So, I let go of the ownership of Brian?s body. But even if I hadn?t I would never have tried to do something to control that body and make him change what he eats. Such control would be immoral and probably illegal.? But anyway, let me say how the predilection of Brian to rationalize bad behavior might this apply in your relationship with him. In the future he might decide that as his biological relatives, you and dad and Clara owe him something. So, he might do something harmful to get it.? Jenny, ?I guess we?ll have to watch for that. But I am determined to help him if I can.? Erin, ?I understand and respect that. I do want him to grow up and be the best he can be and get out of the habit of sloppy thinking that I believe leads to his misbehavior. I?ll work with you as part of a team if you want. What do you think I should get him to read? Clara and Jenny both had ideas. Erin said, ?Those sound good, but I none of them are young men?s books. Why don?t we each buy a paperback, and I will bring them down next week and we will see what catches his interest.? They agreed to that. Erin already had a book picked out, a short young adult science fiction novel by Robert Heinlein that that portrayed a positive view of family, loyalty, and hard work from a boy?s point of view. Erin had loved it when she had been a young boy. She hoped she could find a copy. It had been out of print for years. Then they finished their coffee and finished the drive back to Blakefield. When Jenny and Clara dropped Erin off, she asked ?Do you want to come in for a few minutes and meet Erin?s parents? They are really nice. You would like them.? But Jenny said ?Maybe not tonight. I have to think about how to relate to your current parents before meeting them.? Then Jenny asked Erin, ?I would love to have you and Mary visit us some evening or weekend. It would be fun to talk about old times. And Dad needs to meet you and his granddaughter. He is missing you a great deal.? Erin agreed, but they didn?t set a date yet. Erin had to see what her week and the rest of April held first. When Erin got into the house, Mom was making dinner. Erin went over and hugged her, with Mary still in arms and said, ?I love you, Mom.? Mom hugged her back and said ?Thanks Erin. I love you too. Is there any reason you wanted to say that right now?? Erin, ?No mom. I just don?t say it enough.? Then she went upstairs and checked on Mary and found she was wet and changed her, and then found she was ready to nurse. So, Erin spent 45 minutes taking care of Mary?s needs, and then spent another 15 minutes playing with her, in almost the same way Jenny had played with her earlier. Erin had a memory of Jenny caring for a niece and playing with her just like that. Erin figured that was where she learned it. Then Erin came downstairs and asked her mother ?Can I help with dinner, Mom?? Mom, ?No, it?s in the oven. Be ready soon. Why don?t you say hi to your Dad? He has been watching the Mariners spring training games alone and might want some company.? Erin went in the room and sat next to her father and kissed him on the cheek and said, ?Hi Daddy, Love you.? He put his arm around her and she and Mary and Dad watched the Mariners have a tough game. But Erin didn?t care. Life was good. At dinner, her mother asked ?How was your visit to Nola. Was this Brian person better behaved?? Erin said ?He couldn?t be worse behaved than the first visit. Yeah, actually we had a good visit. I don?t remember if I told you, but he knew Rex fairly well. I wanted to pick his brain for ideas to how to avoid Rex when he gets out, which he will sooner or later. There is no way Rex will get life in prison. I didn?t really get any ideas from Brian yet. But he said he would think abut it. Se?ll see. Clara and her mother knew Brian from high school and talked with him about old times and where he had gone wrong to wind up where he is and how to get his life straightened out.? Then Erin asked, ?Are you going to be able to drive to Nola to see LaTesha next weekend, Mom.? Mom, ?Yes, I was talking to Carol at work and she?s actually made an appointment next Saturday.? Erin, ?Oh, what time? I need to see Brian next week and give him a few things I promised. So, I want to make the time a couple hours after LaTesha?s appointment.? Mom, ?9:30 AM I think. That is a good time, and the later the appointment time, the more likely for an appointment to be delayed. But you should call her and confirm.? Erin, ?OK, will do.? Then Dad said, ?Erin, I would like you to do something for me.? Erin, ?What, Dad?? Well, as you know the last weekend in April I sponsor a family foursome to participate in a Rotary Charity Golf Tournament. For years, it?s been Dan and I and Stacey and Fran. But Stacey has torn a ligament in her knee from jogging and can?t do it this year. Mom can?t do it because of her strained back. So that leaves you. I know you haven?t played much, once or twice when you were a kid. But you weren?t too bad. And the other three of us are strong enough so the team won?t embarrass itself. And it will be fun. We haven?t done anything together for a long time. You always do things with Mom and sometimes Fran. I would love for us to spend a Saturday together. I would take you to a driving range a few times before then, so you do not feel too uncomfortable. Stacey has said you can use her clubs.? Erin replied, ?God Dad. Wouldn?t you rather have someone who can contribute. And I am five months pregnant and that will slow me down a lot.? Dad, ?Actually, I would rather spend the afternoon with my family than getting a ringer to improve our score. And we will have a cart, so you won?t have to walk too far. What do you say, Erin?? Actually, it sounded like fun to Erin. She had been captain of the Prep High School golf team when she was Brian, and sort of wondered if she could still swing the club. Plus, considering how much Dad had done for her, how could she say ?no?. So, Erin said ?OK, Dad. But it?s your idea. Don?t get mad if I don?t do well.? Dad, ?Don?t worry. I just count myself lucky you are willing to play along.? After dinner, Erin played with Mary for a while and got her ready for bed. Then she called Carol and verified the 9:30 appointment time next week. Next, she called up Debbie who said that she needed her to babysit all five days next week. Erin said OK, but alerted Debbie that she might need to testify at a grand jury at some point. But she would be ready to be picked up tomorrow morning. She marveled at a family that would rather pay $750/week for child care for a grandson rather than reduce the cost a little by having mom or sister, neither of whom were working, do at least part of the child care. But it was not something she had any influence over. She was happy to have the work. Even paying $200/month rent and reimbursing her mother for infant care over the last few months and contributing to the purchase of groceries and buying her and Mary?s cloths and personal items, Erin was putting away almost $1500 per month. Which reminded her, some of that was surely the government?s. Erin would have to check on Internal Revenue rules, and also check on how the Silvers were planning to report it. It was a good reason not to overspend, if she needed to give 20% each to the Idaho and US government at the end of the year. Monday while both babies were asleep, Erin found the book she wanted to get Brian on Amazon and ordered it used with one-day shipping. When she got home from childcare, she saw a message light for two new calls on the land-line phone. She figured they were for Dad or Mom, so she didn?t play them. Her mother came home and played them, and both were from the prosecutors? office, one asking if mom could testify at a Grand Jury on Thursday evening, and the other asking if Erin could. Erin volunteered to respond and put ?Return prosecutors? call? on her todo list for tomorrow, along with the phone number. Then she added ?OB/GYN appointment Tuesday, 4:30.? Erin had promised to go to the driving range with dad one day this week, so it was already shaping up to be a busy week. When her father got home, she told him that the only days she could go to the driving range were Wednesday and Friday. Dad told her Fran wanted to go too, so whichever of those two days was best with Fran would be the day. On Tuesday, Erin asked Debbie to get home as soon as she could, because Erin had a Doctor appointment. Mom would pick her up at the Silvers at 4. Debbie was not able to get home until 4:15, so it was a race to the OB/GYN to make their appointment. Erin could not complain too much since she had not given Debbie enough time to really adjust her schedule. But it seemed they were always a little late for these appointments. The Doctor examined Erin and said everything appeared to be going fine. Erin had actually gained 2 pounds in the last month, so the Doctor was pleased. Erin asked if it was safe to play golf while pregnant. The Doctor said ?Sure, as long as you don?t overexert yourself.? When they got home, Dad said they would go to the driving range tomorrow night. Erin would have to use mom?s clubs since they would not be able to pick up Stacey?s until the weekend. Dad thought that was OK, since mom?s clubs were very similar to Stacey?s, just a little shorter and lighter. Erin was not so sure. As Brian she had played with full length and full weight men?s clubs, Erin was going to have to get used to a totally different body and it would have been better not to have to switch clubs between her first practice and her second. But she couldn?t say that to her father, so she just agreed. Wednesday night Erin left Mary with her mother, put on a set of tights under a pair of shorts, a long sleeve shirt and a hoody, and went out to the garage and started to pick up mom?s golf clubs, but her father said ?I?ll get those for you Honey. I promised mom that you wouldn?t have to exert yourself. But Erin picked them up anyway and said, ?For heaven?s sake Dad, I?m pregnant, not helpless. These are not that heavy. I can carry them out to the car.? ?OK,? he said, but almost laughed at the exchange. ?Erin was darn independent these days.? Fran had already piled into the front, so Erin took the back seat. She and Fran talked about what would happen tomorrow at the Grand Jury. When they got to the driving range each got their own clubs and went into the driving range, where Dad paid for a large bucket of practice balls for each. They found two adjacent vacant practice mats and set up to use them. Dad had Erin set up on one of the mats and then Dad went through a lengthy instruction on how to swing a golf club. Erin could not find a graceful way to just get on with it, so she listened patiently. Meanwhile, she was thinking about how she needed to adjust her game from the times she had been male, 5? 5? tall, and a very good high school golfer. She was now 5-6? taller, but with arms only a little longer, and the clubs she was swinging were shorter than those she had used in high school, so her club shaft angle to the ground would be more vertical. Brian had adopted a flat, very flat, inside-out swing to maximize distance. Erin realized this would not work for her because of her height and arm length. She took several practice swings with a short iron trying to get used to a more vertical swing. She felt really awkward. She knew she had lost strength during the switch, but usually didn?t feel it. Now she felt the loss of strength in her arms, shoulders, and legs. And her weight distribution felt really strange with less weight in her shoulders than as Brian, breasts hanging off her chest and shifting position during her swing, and more weight on her behind and less in her legs. She was glad she wasn?t really stacked, or she would be in danger of falling over. She realized she badly needed a sports bra. It would flatten her out more and reduce the effects of her breasts on her weight distribution. But Erin knew the basics of how a golf swing should look and feel, and after a few practice swings felt that the clubhead was under control and going through at the same height it had when she set up. So, she put a ball on the rubber tee and set up with a 9-iron and took her swing and thought she gave it a good whack, and it went a paltry 75 yds, with a pronounced slice. ?God was that pathetic,? she thought. Her father and Fran both said, ?Good Job, Erin,? and Erin looked up and smiled at them. At her father?s urging, Erin had used a weak, baseball grip. Now she decided to try out her old grip, strong and interlocking. Her father missed the change and so didn?t say anything. This time the ball still had a slice, but less pronounced, and it went 90 yards. Not too bad. But Erin wasn?t getting an inside-out swing, so she decided to increase the bend at her hips and flatten out the swing a little and focus on drawing the club back more behind her. This time she got about 95 yards with slight draw. The draw was what she wanted. So, she hit about 20 more in a row to attempt to lock in the swing, so she could do it without thinking too much. About halfway through the sequence, her father noticed she had changed her grip, but was not going to mess with success, and said nothing. By the end of the 20 balls, she was consistently hitting 110 yards. Not nearly the distance Brian used to hit a 9-iron, but not too bad. Then Erin shifted to a 7-iron and hit the ball well using the same swing as she had used for the 9-iron with a few minimal changes. So, she hit 10 more balls with the 7 trying to zero in on that swing. She worked her way through the irons, stopping at the 3-iron. She felt that the vertical swing actually helped her control with the 4 and 3 iron, but she really had a hard time getting any distance from them. Then she went to the 4-wood and worked on it for a while until she thought she had found a swing that worked with that club and zeroed it in. She practiced hitting balls both off the tee and off the mat, since she felt she would have to use the 4-wood both off the tee and off the ground. Then she worked on the 3-wood and the driver, focusing on hitting off the tee. The lower the iron and wood number, the more distance Erin lost relative to Brian. Brian had been a strong hitter for his size and often hit the driver well over 215 yds. Erin?s best was 185 yards. She suspected part of the reason was the weight of the clubheads on her mom?s clubs. They were very light, although she had to admit they were easy to control. At the end, her father said ?Erin, that was really good. You must have played with friends in high school a bit. Erin, ?Yeah, Dad, I did.? Dad and Fran spent some time practicing pitch and runs and putting, but Erin was tired. She spent a few minutes on putting before giving up and getting a diet soda while waiting for the other two. She had enjoyed the evening and was heartened that she could hit OK in her new form. The next night Mom and Erin had to testify at the Grand Jury. They both got home by 5 and mom ordered a pizza and each had a piece when it came. They packed the remainder up, put it in the refrigerator, and left a note for Dad and Fran. They got down to the courthouse in time to have a conversation with the lawyer representing the prosecution. He said to just do what they did at the bail hearing. It wasn?t going to get nasty tonight. The defense would not show the strategy he was going to use at trial, so he would probably more or less repeat his comments at the bail hearing. The hearing went more or less as the prosecution lawyer predicted. However, there was some excitement. When Rex was coming into the courtroom, he was brought down an aisle which came within 8 feet of Erin, Mary, and her mom. At his closest approach, he managed to momentarily get free from the deputy escorting him and charge at Erin. He almost got close enough to grab Erin, all the time cursing at her. Erin jumped back as far as she could, holding Mary with one hand and pushing her mother behind her with the other. Rex was still in restraints, so the deputy was able to get him under some semblance of control until another couple of deputies got there and managed to get pull Rex well away from Erin. The judge ordered him returned to the jail. His lawyer moved to delay the Grand Jury decision on the basis that his client would not be able to confront his accuser. The judge ruled that he had already tried to confront his accuser and would get only one bite at that apple. The rest of the proceedings had little drama and at the end the Grand Jury voted to indict. The prosecution lawyer apologized to Erin and her mom for them being put in danger. Erin was shaken by Rex?s raw emotion and said, ?Jeez, he really hates me.? The prosecutor said, ?Yes he does. Especially now. He got word today that your first shot during the home invasion severed the nerve that makes his penis go hard during sex. He will never have sex again.? Erin, ?Oh God. I didn?t mean to do that.? The prosecutor, ?Hey, don?t apologize. After seeing him tonight there is no doubt in my mind that had you not shot him, you and your mother might both be dead today. Anyway, we anticipated some sort of outburst, although not as extreme as actually occurred, and we televised these proceedings. We will show the replay at any future bail hearing and at his trial.? Erin looked at her mom. They were both sobered by the thought of having to testify in a long trial where the main goal of the defense would be to portray Erin as an unstable, manipulative slut who lured Rex to her house where she could shoot him. Then Erin asked the prosecution lawyer, ?Is he going to try to get some sort of deal?? The prosecution lawyer said, ?Undoubtedly. But we will not be interested in any deal that lets him out before 15 years. He is just too dangerous, not only to you but to everyone he comes across. Particularly now. His hate is just going to fester unless he accepts psychiatric treatment, which I don?t anticipate will happen any time soon.? Erin, ?OK, I guess we?ll hear from you later.? Prosecution lawyer, ?Yes. We anticipate it will take 6 months to get this case to trial. So probably early Fall. But I will call you if there are any changes in status of the case.? Friday evening, Erin and Dad and Fran and her boyfriend went to the driving range again. Erin actually didn?t hit the fairway clubs as well as the previous time. She still felt awkward and out of balance and really had to focus to avoid major flubs in her swing. But she worked her way through it and managed to hit some good shots. She was only a little discouraged, knowing that since she had not been playing at all, her swing and balance were not ?locked in? and would be somewhat erratic. This time she spent some time on pitching and more time on putting. That had been a strong point of Brian?s game, and was not as subject to differences in balance because her body was more fixed while putting. She felt she would be able to play the short game pretty well. On the way home, Dad mentioned ?Maybe a couple of more trips to the driving range next week?? Erin said ?I would prefer to avoid going Thursday or Friday. I didn?t want my muscles to be sore or tight on Saturday.? Dad said ?Ok, how about Sunday evening and Wednesday evening?? Erin, ?Sounds OK.? Saturday, they visited LaTesha and Brian again. Clara had left a message while she was out Friday night that she would like to go to Nola Prison with them and would they pick her up, so they left at 7 instead of 7:15. They picked up Carol first and then Clara. Clara?s home (and Brian?s) was in a subdivision near the college. The lots were big and the homes big, but almost all were 1 story. They weren?t quite as hoity-toity as the Silvers? neighborhood but were pushing it. The streets weren?t set out on a grid and Mom?s direction finder got confused, but of course Erin knew exactly how to get around in this neighborhood and was able to direct them. Her mom said, ?Wow, what a maze. How do you know this area, Erin?? Erin gave her the now standard comment that she had a friend in high school who lived here... Being here made Erin feel homesick. Brian had walked these streets for years. He had numerous friends here, and as they passed the houses of his friends, their faces came into her mind. They passed his best friend Tony?s home when he was two blocks away from Clara?s. Erin had memories of weekend afternoons at Tony?s playing basketball with friends at a hoop Tony?s dad had put up in the driveway, and Erin felt a profound sense of loss. Carol asked, ?What kind of job do these people have, Erin, to afford to live in this neighborhood?? Erin, ?Clara?s dad is a math professor at the College, and her mom is an administrator at St Mary?s Hospital. Clara said a lot of the parents had connections with the college.? Mom, ?Must be nice.? When they got to the Sander?s home, Clara was waiting at the driveway carrying a bag. She jumped in, they introduced her to Carol, and Clara directed Mom to the interstate. Erin enjoyed having Clara there to talk to. She told her about the golf, and about testifying at the Grand Jury, and of course about Mary?s growth and development. Right after the switch, Erin had been reticent to talk about her baby, since she remembered being incredibly bored when she had heard similar conversation as Brian. But after she collected a lot of ?Mary? stories, she found she couldn?t resist telling them to other people, particularly to other women. Clara told Erin about her fianc?e and what he was doing and when he was going to be back and what their plans were. Strangely enough, Brian would have found these stories boring too, but as Erin she found the same stories enthralling. She supposed it was because she could put herself in Clara?s place and imagine how she would experience these things. When they got there, Carol asked if she could have the first 20 minutes with LaTesha to herself. They agreed and stayed in the office for 20 minutes. Mom asked, ?Do I understand right, you are getting married in June and Erin is going to be your Maid of Honor?? Clara, ?Absolutely, my fianc? and I have been engaged since October, and I am ready to finally be married. My brother was going to be the ?Man? of honor, but he can?t. So, I asked my little sister here. Do you and your family want to be invited?? Mom assumed the ?little sister? comment was a joke, based on their relative sizes. She said, ?No, I?m not hinting so I can crash your wedding. I was just a little surprised. I wasn?t even aware she had a good friend like you.? Clara, ?No, I would love to have you come. I love Erin to pieces, and her family is more than welcome. Please say you will come? Please, Please, Please?? Mom was not used to dealing with this combination of forcefulness and sweetness. She sorts of blushed and said, ?If you?re sure we are not putting you out?? Clara smiled and said, ?OK, it?s settled then. I?ll see you at the wedding. And if your daughter stumbles during the ceremony, you will be able to tease her forever.? Erin laughed and said, ?Thanks a lot, Clara.? After 20 minutes, they went into the visiting room and joined Carol and LaTesha. Erin introduced Clara, but it turns out the two knew each other. Clara had facilitated some sort of therapy group where LaTesha had been a participant. They had been friendly then, so they talked easily now. Erin wanted to get a read from LaTesha if the GED study material she was bringing in was useful, and what LaTesha wanted in the future. As usual, LaTesha was organized and wrote out some details of what she would like Erin to get her in the future. She had to give the note to a guard to check and copy before Erin could get it, but that did not take too long. Then LaTesha went through the list to make sure Erin understood everything, and finally LaTesha said that she was glad to have the ability to start doing something that would pay off in the future, instead of just marking time until she got out. She had already gone through everything Erin had brought her several times and was eager for more. Then she surprised Erin by asking if she would be interesting in coming out and participating in a session the detention center was planning titled ?Getting your GED.? There were several counsellors who were putting it together and would talk about the process and material. But they needed a speaker who had actually studied for and taken the tests. LaTesha had mentioned Erin and the counselors had been enthusiastic and LaTesha had agreed to ask her. Erin said, ?Well if you think I can contribute something, and it is consistent with my schedule, Yeah, I?ll be happy to.? So, LaTesha said, ?Great. The counsellors who are putting it together will be in contact with you.? After visiting with LaTesha some more, their hour was up and there were other families waiting to visit, so they said goodbye. It was now 11:30, two hours until their appointment to talk to Brian, so they went out for some lunch. They found someplace they could get salads and sat down and chatted and ate and drank tea until 1. Erin?s mom once again asked why Erin was bothering to visit this Brian since he had upset her the first time she visited him. Clara jumped in and said, ?Mrs. McLoughlin, Erin and I are visiting Brian because he is my little brother. As big a pain in the ass as he is now, he was once a sweet, hardworking guy. And I still love him. I think he got into some drugs and it led him astray. My Mom and I hope to bring him back. I have asked Erin to help, and she has agreed. So, if you are upset about this, blame me, not Erin.? Well, family was something Mom McLoughlin could understand and sympathize with, so she said, ?Ok, I understand now. I understand why you might visit him in spite of some level of misbehavior, so you can maintain communications and bring them back to responsible behavior.? Looking at Erin pointedly, Mom said, ?Believe me I understand that. I will be more supportive.? They asked mom to take care of Mary during the visit. Erin and Clara had both dressed in clothes that didn?t show too much, but it didn?t seem to matter. They endured numerous catcalls and propositions as they walked down the corridor to the visiting room. When they talked to Brian, he was glad to see them. They gave their packages of books and snacks to the guard to search and then pass on to Brian. While that was happening, each described the books they had brought. He was fairly engaged in the description and said he would try to read them. Erin privately thought that Clara and Jenny?s books were too mature and difficult to read for Brian as he was now. But she felt she had to be supportive. Next visit they would talk to Brian about what he liked and use that to guide future books. Then Erin and Clara told Brian about what was going on with their respective families. Brian was frankly disinterested in the personalities and challenges of either family. He did express good wishes toward everyone, but no particular personal interest. The thing he found most interesting was Erin?s description of her testimony against Rex, and her comment that her shot had severed the nerve that controlled erections and thereby ended his sex life. Brian winced at that and said that as a male and he felt a natural sympathy with someone who had had that happen to him. Then Erin asked, ?Well, would you rather I hadn?t defended myself and have him kidnap or kill me?? Brian, ?No. No, I wouldn?t. I like you, I mean the personality. You have treated me well, better than I have treated you. And, of course, I really like your body, for many reasons. Plus, you are carrying my children, both my former self?s children and my current self?s children. No. It?s just that the thought of a guy being shot in the balls makes me want to cringe.? Erin, ?And yet, when you were Erin, he abused you, raped you, and threatened your baby. I think that any of those would cause you to feel he deserved what happened to him. I certainly do.? Brian sat there and thought for a while and said, ?Yeah, I understand that. And I hated most of it. But the sex was good sometimes. And he didn?t mean the threats. They were just words.? Erin, ?If you identify as a male, how could the sex have been good?? Brian, ?Well physically it was good. He was tall and good looking and well-endowed, if you know what I mean. And I would pretend I was him while we were having sex. That would turn me on.? Erin just shook her head, ?So you got turned on visualizing yourself as a male raping a female?? Brian, ?Well, even though there was some coercion as part of our sex, there was usually no violence. So, I rarely fantasized about hurting a woman during sex.? Erin, ?Rarely? Did Rex know what you were thinking, Arron?? Brian, ?Yeah, he often asked me what I was thinking during sex. And that?s the sort of kink that would turn him on.? Erin shook her head and said, ?I don?t understand, Brian.? Brian, ?Well, maybe it?s good that now you are the female. You seem to think about what happened like a girl would.? Brian said that mainly to bait Erin and get her onto another subject. But Erin just said, ?Maybe so, Brian.? Then she wondered how much of this history between Erin and Rex played into his actions toward her their last two encounters. Clara just sat and listened in amazement. Could they really salvage this guy? Then Clara asked Brian about his life while he was locked up. He Had a lot to tell. Apparently, his cell mate was an older guy convicted of embezzlement, who would be out about the same time as Brian. His wife was sticking with him, so he was determined to go straight. He had helped Brian learn how to game the system and have as good a life as possible. Brian told Clara about his typical day. He mentioned that he was lucky to be in a low-moderate security prison. It was fairly safe, and the inmates had lots of time in the yard, TV rooms available for those who did what they were supposed to do, jobs available where they could earn some money if they wanted, edible food, occasional conjugal visits for married men. Erin asked about training for employment or prison jobs where they could learn employment skills. Brian said, ?Yeah, he thought there might be some of that.? Erin asked him to find out about that. They would be happy to provide support for training might enable him to find employment. He said he would. Then Erin asked ?What about restitution for the woman who?s hip you broke. Or at least saying you?re sorry. I heard about a prison program where the inmates learned from their victims what effect the crimes had had.? Brian said, ?They have that kind of program, but I didn?t sign up for it.? Erin, ?You should, Brian. A crime is not an isolated event. It can impact a victim for years, often longer than the prison sentence.? Brian, ?Yeah, I suppose. But it?s not like I can undo what I did.? Erin, ?Yes, but if you are tempted to do the same thing, knowing that it could hurt someone for a long time might make you decide not to do it. Plus, it probably looks good to parole boards. As do prison jobs.? By the look on Brian?s face, the latter connection had not occurred to Brian. He said, ?I?ll think about it.? After some lighter conversation, their hour was almost up. Erin asked if there was any particular food or game Brian wanted, and he mentioned a couple of things. Clara said, ?Don?t forget to ask about training and jobs. And at least read the first chapter of each of the books.? Brian replied, ?OK, when will you be back?? Clara said, ?Jenny and I can be here in two weeks. I don?t know about Erin.? Erin, ?I?ll have to look at my schedule.? Clara, ?Would you accept a visit from Jenny and I alone, or does Erin have to be here?? Brian, ?Well, I?d prefer it if Erin were here.? Clara, ?OK, we?ll work together to schedule the next meeting within a month.? Then they went out the hallway, enduring the cascade of catcalls and propositions one more time, and walked out to the car where Mom and Carol and Mary were waiting. As they walked, Erin asked ?Clara, what do you think of Brian?s discussion about his, or rather her, sex with Rex?? Clara, ?I?ve read that people?s sexual turn-ons can be very complex. But I?ve never run across anything like this before. I?m wondering whether it will have any impact on Brian?s rehabilitation.? Erin, ?I?m wondering whether that sort of sexual relationship had any impact on Rex?s expectations when he and I met at the BBQ and then when he did the home invasion. Obviously, the old Erin was to some extent a willing participant in some fairly kinky sex.? Another thought came to Erin, she absolutely had to give this information to the prosecutor?s office. It would be incredibly embarrassing, but the lawyers prosecuting the case had to be prepared.? When they got to the car, Erin?s mom said, ?Well, how did the meeting go?? Erin, ?Well, it was sort of strange.? Mom, ?How?s that?? Erin realized she couldn?t really answer that question unless she revealed everything to mom, which she didn?t want to do. So, she said, ?I don?t know. Just strange. Maybe you should ask Clara. Brian is her brother.? Clara looked at Erin and mouthed ?Thanks a lot.? Then she said, ?Hmm, I need to think about it before making a judgement about how strange it was. But our discussions were positive in that Brian seemed to be willing to do what we asked to get him started turning things around. So, I?m basically happy with our visit.? When they got home, mom did some housework before Dad returned home from his club. Erin reflected that her mom had given up most of her Saturday to drive Erin where she wanted to go, so after making sure Mary was clean and fed, Erin pitched in and helped Mom with the housecleaning. Dad was a little late, so between the two of them they managed to complete almost everything on Mom?s list. Erin promised she would help with the remainder tomorrow. Midway through the housecleaning, Mom decided she would rather continue working on the house than start cooking and called and ordered a pizza. Dad arrived about the same time as the pizza and they sat down to dinner. Fran was out on a date and would not be there. After a few bites, Mary suddenly decided she wanted to nurse. Erin got up to go into the living room, but Dad said ?Geez, Erin. Feel free to feed Mary here. We?re your family, after all.? Erin looked at Mom, and she nodded. So, Erin sat down and took care of Mary and chatted with her family. Somehow the incident made her felt very loved and cared for. So, Erin started crying. Dad looked at her in alarm and said, ?What?s wrong Erin?? Erin, ?Nothing, Dad, I love you two. You are such good parents. Thank You.? Dad looked mystified, but Mom knew what was going on and said ?You?re welcome, Dear. We love you too.? Erin had lots of things to do this week; driving range Sunday and Wednesday, golf tournament next Saturday, make an appointment to talk to the prosecutor?s office, start getting together the GED material requested by LaTesha, Shop for Brian. She also had her normal activities; take care of Mary, Childcare for Debbie, study for the last GED test on general science. She was also thinking that one of these evenings or next week, Clara?s brides-maids would be in town and they would have their girls? night out. Erin had forgotten to ask Clara during the visit. She should call and get the schedule clear in her mind before she made any more commitments. She should also talk to Debbie and ask how many days they wanted her to work next week. It would be nice to have a day off to work on the GED material for LaTesha. And maybe she could arrange an interview with the prosecutors that day, so Mom was not there to listen to her embarrassing information about the old Erin?s sex life with Rex. That was a lot to remember, so Erin sat down and wrote herself a list. She thought about whether she had forgotten anything, then added ?Help around the house.? Mom worked full time and there was no reason she should be stuck with all the housework. The next morning at church, Erin asked Debbie about childcare that week, and Debbie said that her sister was studying for midterms and her mom still didn?t seem to want to be home with her grandson. So, Debbie would appreciate it if Erin could work all week. Erin agreed, but thought ?Geez, these people must be made of money.? Oh, well. Erin knew that after school let out, she would not have a job, so she should appreciate the opportunity to put some money away while she could. But having to work five days next week would make it difficult to make progress on LaTesha?s list, or on her own studying for the last GED test. After they got home from church and the customary after-church lunch, Erin made sure Mary was clean and fed before putting her down for a nap. Then she went and lay down in Fran?s room and called Clara on her cell phone. Clara asked, ?Can you make a visit to Brian next Saturday?? Erin ?No, I?m playing golf.? Clara, ?I didn?t know Erin played golf.? Erin, ?Erin doesn?t. But her dad asked me to fill in a family foursome at a charity tournament. Apparently, my sister-in-law usually plays, but she injured herself running. Mom would usually fill in, but she has a strained back. That leaves me. Dad said the other three were strong enough players to carry the team, even if Erin wasn?t able to contribute much. Dad didn?t actually have to twist my arm much. I?ve missed golf.? Clara knew Brian had loved golf and had captained the school team in his senior year. She could well imagine the new Erin leaping at the opportunity to play. She said, ?OK, how about in three weeks? Our mom can?t go in two weeks.? Erin, ?I?ll put it on my calendar.? Clara, ?Can you call and make the appointment? I think Brian would prefer it. He seems to trust you more than anyone else.? Erin, ?Sure. Is 1:30 OK? I also want to visit LaTesha as long as I am there. But we could switch morning and afternoon if you wanted.? Clara, ?1:30 is OK. I?ll tell our mom.? Clara, ?Have you had a chance to think about what Brian said about the old Erin?s relationship with Rex?? Erin, ?A little. I wonder if she was transgendered but trying not to be. That might have led her to hook up with Rex, to prove something to the world.? Clara, ?Maybe, but from what I?ve read most F2M transgendered people don?t try to be with a man to prove they aren?t.? Erin, ?I think the same frustration can lead to different reactions, depending on the person. I don?t think the old Erin had much confidence, so it was hard to be militantly transgendered. She would rather be thought odd. Her nickname was ?Crazy Erin? and she apparently accepted it. That doesn?t sound very confident.? Clara, ?Maybe. I think we should talk straight out to Brian about his gender identification. If he truly identifies as ?male? and also had the same identity as Erin, that would explain a lot about his behavior, and maybe indicate which therapy option we should take.? Erin, ?I can ask my parents if I was a tomboy when I was small. That might provide important background. But another indication that the old Erin was transgendered is that after the transition happened, the new Brian seemed to have no problem accepting the role of a man. It was almost instantaneous.? Clara, ?So how long did it take the new Erin to accept the role of a woman?? Erin, ?I don?t know. Not long I guess. I don?t remember any great angst at being a woman. But I was in a woman?s body, caring for a baby. I looked female, had female clothing, spoke with a female voice. I couldn?t very well be afraid that someone would think I was a man masquerading as a woman. So, I just went with the flow. I guess that means being transgendered is not necessary to slip easily into the role of the opposite sex, as long as there is a body swap involved?? Clara, ?Or that the old Brian was transgendered but didn?t know it.? Erin replied, ?Well, I never remember feeling any doubt about who I was, a male engineering nerd.? Clara, ?But you were always a gentle soul, loved music and art, loved your mother and sister, easily related with woman as just friends.? Erin laughed, ?That was because, me being so small, none of them wanted to be my girlfriend.? Clara, ?I don?t think so Erin. I remember lots of my friends telling me that you were almost like my sister, not like a brother. I even remember you being willing to play dolls with me when you were little. It?s not that you weren?t positive and active and athletic and sometimes feisty or that you weren?t willing to stand up for yourself and fight if necessary. You did all those things, but always in sort of a gentle, easy way.? Erin just shook her head, ?I just don?t believe it. If I were trans, I think I would know it?? Then Clara shifted back to Erin, ?Another important aspect of the old Erin?s psychology is the relationship with Rex, an aggressive man with whom she had to have sex on demand. But she was able to find some satisfaction in the sex by fantasizing about being Rex and having sex with herself. But because Rex was so selfish and threatening, she might have adopted from him a very distorted picture of how a man should feel and behave.? Erin, ?I agree. And that same picture might have convinced Brian that it was acceptable to slip me a drug and rape me. Especially me, since this was ?really? his body.? Clara, ?Yes. Everything fits. But I have only a little training in psychology and you have less. So, we could be way off base. However, if this theory has any germ of truth, then one of our goals in turning his behavior around is correcting this distorted picture of how a man should behave.? Erin, ?Yes. But how? I mean I think we are on the right track, giving him literature, which presents positive male behavior, with the hopes that if he gets interested in the literature he will adopt positive male behavior patterns. But is there more we should do?? Clara, ?Hmm. Have to think about it. At least his negative image of appropriate male behavior doesn?t seem to include a lot of violence. He denied that the old Erin fantasized about violently raping women. And his behavior toward you was not violent, although it was totally appropriate.? Erin, ?On another subject, I?d like to verify that the Girls night out is Saturday, May 6, the same night wer visit Nola.? Clara, ?That?s right, the Saturday after next. We are going to have dinner and a drink and talk about the wedding. Then we?ll visit the dressmaker and choose the Bridesmaids dresses and I will get your advice on my dress. Finally, we?ll go out to a show.? Erin, ?OK, I?ll ask mom if she can babysit.? Clara, ?If not, call me and I?ll ask our mom. I think she?d love it.? Erin, ?I?ll skip the drink, because of the pregnancy. But everything else sounds good. Can you pick me up?? Clara, ?Sure, no problem.? That night, Erin and Dad went to the driving range again while Mom babysat Mary. Fran would not go to the driving range because she was spending the day with her fianc?e. Dad first drove out to Dan?s house and picked up Stacey?s golf clubs. Stacey came out and talked to Erin while Dan was getting her golf clubs out. She said, ?I understand you don?t normally play, Erin. Did Dad twist your arm to do this?? Erin, ?Well, I did play a little when I was in middle school. But not much. It?ll be fun to spend the day with the boys, though. I?m sorry you?re hurt.? Stacey, ?I actually won?t miss this event much. The other three take it much too seriously. You should be OK because they won?t expect you to do much. But I was expected to shoot well, even if I didn?t feel well.? Then Stacey shifted topics and said, ?Erin, I?ve been hearing a lot about you, from Dan. More and more you seem to me to be a totally different person from the Erin I knew last summer and earlier. But the only possible explanation I?ve been able to come up with is that you are possessed. But everything I?ve read indicates that if someone is possessed, they do strange and awful things. They don?t start doing positive, responsible things. Maybe you were possessed before and now are no longer possessed. But I guess a better explanation is an intentional change on your part.? Erin, ?Are you saying you will just accept me as I am? And we can just be friends? That would be great, Stacey.? Stacey, ?Yeah, I guess so.? She gave Erin a hug and then said, ?Good luck on the golf.? Then Erin and Dad went to the driving range. Stacey?s clubs were only a little longer than Mom?s. Erin would have liked them to be another inch or two longer and heavier in the clubhead. Erin spent the majority of her time on the range trying to lock in her swing for the irons, with only a little time on the woods. After the driving range, her dad took her into the club house. He got her a new golf glove. Erin asked if she could get a right-side glove too. Both her hands felt sore and as Brian she had often worn gloves on both hands when playing in high school. Dad insisted on buying her an outfit too. She picked out a white polo and a plaid skort, a couple of sizes too big to accommodate her baby bump, and a new pair of spikeless golf shoes, which she would need if there was a lot of moisture on the course. She also got a coat she could play in. Erin decided she would have to go to a maternity store to get a pair of tights. It was April in Idaho, and it would likely be cool. The clerk who rang them up apparently knew Dad fairly well. He teased Dad about having a date with a young blond, and when Dad said Erin was his daughter, the guy teased Dad about locking his beautiful daughter away from male golfers up to now. Erin didn?t mind. Unlike the propositions at the prison, she knew this sort of back and forth was not meant to make her uncomfortable or to get the commenter off, it was all in good fun. The next day at work, Erin called the prosecutors? office when Jeremy and Mary were sleeping, and she had a few moments to herself. She wound her way from the receptionist to a lawyer who was not on the case and finally got a chance to talk with Mr. Simons. Erin said she wanted to talk about an issue she had forgot to mention previously that she was worried the Defense would use at the trial. Mr. Simons was very busy and said, ?Miss McLoughlin, I am now starting a two-week trial and am totally absorbed in that. Any information I took from you right now would probably be lost. And there is another big trial just after this. We will not be thinking about Rex?s trial for at least 5 weeks. I am putting a note in the file to call you at that time. If I don?t get back to you, call me. Here is my direct number.? The clear implication was that he didn?t want to talk to Erin now, period. Erin said, ?OK, I will put a note in my planner. Good luck on your trial Mr. Simon.? Then she reflected that maybe this was for the best. She would probably learn more from Brian about his relationship with Rex in the next couple of visits. The rest of Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday at Debbie?s, any time Erin was not preoccupied with child care she studied for the GED science test. She had taken a practice test and scored well above 70%, so she was now confident she would pass. But she wanted to do as well as possible, so she could list an excellent GED score on job applications in the future. The GED Science test was not as easy for a math and engineering major as might be expected because lot of the test was on biology, which was mainly facts that had to be memorized as opposed to working out a solution, and because Brian had not taken biology in college. So, Erin had to absorb a lot of material. The way she remembered facts best was to go through the study sections and outline them. This took time. But she figured she would be done the first week in May. On Wednesday before dinner, Erin asked ?Mom, would you take me to a maternity shop? I need tights for this golf thing. It?s likely to be cold.? Mom replied ?Erin, you have maternity clothes you wore while you were pregnant with Mary boxed up in storage in the attic. Maybe you should check there.? Erin asked, ?Do you remember whether I had a pair of maternity tights.? Mom, ?No, I don?t. But it?s possible. When you were pregnant with Mary, you and I didn?t talk much, and certainly not about clothes.? That gave Erin the chance to ask, ?Mom, when I was young was I a tomboy?? Mom, ?Erin, how can you not remember? You were a huge tomboy. It was a nightmare trying to get you into a dress or any other girl?s clothing. And you always wanted to play with boys and play boys games. When you were 10 and Fran was 13, she decided to get serious about athletics, and was better at it then you. You were so mad. Not that you couldn?t play as well as she, but you fought so much with the other girls that most coaches didn?t want you on the team. It wasn?t worth it. Fran used to make fun of you for not being able to stick on a team. I think that was when you started totally rebelling and running with a bad crowd. Then when you went out with Rex, you tended to dress a little more femininely, but only a little. I guess given that, I don?t think you have any tights in storage. That would have been too feminine. I was so amazed when you came back in the spring and not only willingly wore women?s clothing but seemed comfortable in them.? Erin, ?So would you take me to the maternity store or should I haul that boxes of maternity clothes down from the attic?? Mom, ?Let?s make a quick run now before dinner. But it is worth getting the boxes down later. I will ask your father to get them. They are too heavy for a pregnant woman, especially when your father is available and happy to help.? After dinner, she and Fran and Dad went to the driving range. She wore her new outfit, to insure it felt comfortable, particularly the shoes. She worked more on her irons and woods but focused on pitching and putting. The best part of Brian?s game had been the short game and Erin felt that was where she would be able to contribute. She doubted she would contribute much in the long game, although she wanted to be able to hit as well as possible because the rules for the tournament were that they had to use a drive from all four players at least twice, so she wanted to hit at least some good drives. When their time at the driving range was done Erin felt that she had done all she could to be ready for the tournament. Actually, Fran and Dad were going to go to the driving range again tomorrow, but Erin felt it would not do her any good and might make her sore on Saturday. Thursday, Debbie asked if she would be up for bringing Jeremy down to Barrie?s BBQ again, so her friends could see him, this time without being interrupted by someone trying to abduct Jeremy?s childcare provider. Erin thought about it and said ?Sure. Sounds like fun.? So, on Friday at 3 PM, she bundled up the two babies, put them in a double stroller and walked down the 10 blocks to Blakefield High School and Barrie?s BBQ. The only glitch was that as soon as Mary got into the BBQ, she apparently remembered their being accosted by Rex there and absolutely screamed bloody murder. So, Erin waited outside for Debbie and her friends to arrive. Fortunately, it wasn?t too cold or wet. Since Jeremy was so small, Erin held him close to insure he was warm. Then Mary saw that and wanted to be held too. So, Erin wound up holding one baby in each arm and pacing back and forth in front of the BBQ while she was waiting. By the time Debbie arrived, Erin?s back was starting to hurt. But as soon as Debbie and Chris arrived, they took Jeremy and started showing him around. He was very shy and fussed a bit. Mary saw Jeremy getting attention and wanted attention too. Erin went over and told Debbie she was going to the ice cream parlor a couple of blocks away. Before she could leave, the football player that had stood up for Erin a few weeks ago came by and Erin walked over to him and said hi and thanked him again for what he had done. His friends were also there, so she thanked them too, and they in turn said they appreciated the notes she had sent to their coaches and to the paper. She wound up talking to them for a while and found that she was supposed to know two of them, having shared a class in high school. By the time this was done, she only had a few minutes to get to the ice cream parlor and give Mary some ice cream. She was spooning ice cream into the mouth of a happy Mary, when Debbie and Chris appeared, and Debbie said she was done. Chris held Jeremy and Debbie and Erin just sat while Erin gave Mary the last of the ice cream. Erin was thinking that Chris was acting downright fatherly. That was encouraging. Then they put the babies in the baby carriage and walked back to Debbie?s house. Erin had forgotten how much she had enjoyed just spending time with friends. Now that she had made friends in her new life, she would like to have more time with them. The next morning was Saturday. Erin got up at 9, late for her, and cleaned Mary up and fed her and went down and helped mom with breakfast. Then she turned Mary over to mom, put on her new golf outfit and put on some makeup, since she knew this was a social event as well as a golf event, and she and Fran and Dad headed to the golf course. The tournament had a shotgun start at 1 pm. They were there at 11, two hours early. But that would give them time to socialize, buy into some raffle tickets, and practice some putting. By 12, they had met up with Dan and Stacey and their three kids. Like usual, Erin and Skyler talked about science for a while. Then the three kids took off to play in a youth tournament on the par 3 course. Stacey had volunteered to sell beer for the tournament, with the proceeds going to a local scholarship organization. The four who would golf decided that Erin would ride with Dad and Fran would ride with Dan. Erin was a little disappointed. She would have liked to ride with Dan. She really had only talked with him for a few minutes at Thanksgiving and Christmas and would have liked to get to know him. He seemed like a decent guy. At 12:45, they headed out to their starting hole, number 3, to prepare for the shotgun start. This year the shotgun was augmented by a texting system that texted the words ?Bang - Start? at 1 PM to anyone who gave them their cell phone number. There were 36 foursomes competing, so two started each hole. They were the first up on hole 3, which made Erin nervous since four people besides her family would watch her first shot. When they got to the driving area, they spun a wooden golf tee to determine starting order within their foursome. Erin was last. Dan started with a beautiful 300-yd drive in the middle of the fairway. That was most likely the drive they would use. But everyone hit their drive nonetheless. Dad and Fran both hit very well, but not nearly as long as Dan. Erin had decided to tee off with a long iron, and tried as hard as she could to duplicate her good iron shots on the driving range, but somehow she flubbed her first shot into the rough 30 or so yards from the tee. She was very disappointed in herself, and as they drove down the fairway, she spent a few minutes trying to figure out what went wrong. She realized that looking down and seeing her boobs instead of her feet caused her to pull back and then for some reason she pulled up her left arm a little, when she had felt her breast during her backswing. What a stupid rookie mistake. She thought she had gotten used to seeing herself when she looked down and had compensated for her breasts being in the way by bending over a little more, so her arms didn?t brush them. She just had to maintain form the next swing. They were playing best ball, so the next swing for all of them was from where Dan?s ball had landed, 150 yards out from the hole. Erin had hit the shortest, so she was up first. She pulled out the 5 iron. She decided to take a few practice swings. Her first practice swing, she did the same thing as her first drive. The second practice swing she really focused on form and felt that the clubhead went exactly through where she had imagined the ball during her setup. She was ready. She again focused on form, swinging back, barely brushing her breasts, with left arm straight and right arm in. Then she swang forward keeping her left arm straight and right arm in to maintain club position. As her arms came about halfway down, she put as much power to her right arm as felt comfortable and saw the head of the club hit the ball square and saw the ball go out in a smooth arc. She had hit the ball on a slight inside out trajectory, so it started a little to the right of the hole but drew to the left and wound up 15 feet to the left of the hole and 8 feet short. Dan said in surprise, ?Hey, good shot Erin.? Fran was next and hit the ball to within 10 feet of the hole. Dad and Dan hit 7 irons and went over the green. Then Fran got first putt, and saw the ball unexpectedly slide right of the hole. Dad said, ?Go for it Erin.? Erin looked the putt over again. She had seen the slight left to right break and had told Fran, but Fran had not believed her. Erin took a practice, stepped up to the ball, and smoothly putted through the ball and the ball started out a little left and broke right and went into the center of the hole. Erin felt good she had contributed. Most of the fairways on this course were narrow with trouble on the sides in the form of dense pine forest. As the round went along, it was clear that Erin was the most accurate off the tee but the shortest, probably because she was not particularly strong, but also because she was hitting with a long iron. So, they decided she should be first to drive each hole and should just try to get a good shot off the tee, around 170 yards out and in the fairway. If she did get a good shot, then the other three could afford to hit with their drivers and try to get out 250 or so yards in the fairway. If Erin?s shot wasn?t good, the next driver would pull back and use a shorter wood and just try to keep the ball in play. Only after they had a ball in play, would the rest of the players be free to try to hit for distance. Erin was successful more often than not, certainly often enough that they didn?t have any trouble fulfilling the two-drive minimum for her. She did flub some shots, but the tendency to flub decreased as she became more comfortable hitting as a pregnant woman. And Erin?s medium and short games were excellent. Thus, they rarely scored worse than par and felt they were going to be competitive in the final score. One hole that did not fit the pattern for the course was hole 15. It was wide open with no trouble on the sides unless the driver hit way off line. For this reason, this hole had been selected for both the men?s and women?s long drive contest. Fran had won the women?s long drive contest the last two years, and Dan won the men?s two years ago and was second last year. Even dad was competitive. The other three shot first this time, and Dan had a very good drive, four or five yards ahead of where they saw the marker for the previous best. Fran also had a very good drive and Dan thought she would be the women?s leader now. Since the others had good drives, Erin felt she could swing freely. A thought came to her and she asked ?Dan, could I use your driver?? Dan, ?Sure Sis. But you know the heads are weighted, so it is a hard to control. I?m not sure you should try it.? Erin, ?Please, if I flub it, it won?t hurt the team. We already have good drives to choose from on this hole.? Dan, ?Ok.? Then he pulled out his driver and handed it to her. ?Don?t break it, Erin.? Erin said, ?I?m going to take a few practice swings.? She lined up on a bit of detritus on the green and pulled the club back slowly. It was heavy and hard to control, as Dan had said. But it was very long, which forced her to use a flat swing, as she had been accustomed to in her prior life. So, it actually felt pretty good during the first practice swing, where it brushed the ground right above the target. She did a couple of more, making the backswing slow and controlled, and only applying power and speed during the swing forward. Finally, she felt ready. She placed the ball on a long Tee and lined up her left foot with the ball and set the club midway between her feet. She focused on form, keeping her left arm straight and her right arm in, with limited hip rotation, and had her right arm under her chin at the end of the backswing. Coming forward, she maintained form, but sped up the swing strongly at the end and saw the club hit the ball on a slight inside out path. The ball path was slightly to the right, drawing in to the left as it reached its maximum height, and hitting a hard patch of ground with an overspin and bouncing forward strongly. It finally came to rest about even with Fran?s ball. From the Tee, Erin couldn?t tell which ball was further from her. Fran said, ?Hey, great shot Erin. Dan, next time I hit your club too.? Erin was a little surprised herself. With nothing to lose, it was just an experiment to see if she could get anywhere near Fran?s distance. Surprisingly, she could. Dan said, ?Great shot Erin. Let?s see which of you are furthest.? They got in their respective carts and went out to their balls. The previous markers for the three longest women?s shots were all behind Fran and Erin?s balls. So, they moved the marker for the third longest to be even with the previous longest and took the other two markers to Erin and Fran?s balls. Erin?s ball was about 8 inches ahead of Fran?s. Fran was a good sport and congratulated Erin for a great shot. Then they placed the markers even with the appropriate balls. Unfortunately, neither woman was the longest shot of their foursome. Both Dad and Dan had hit longer, even though the men?s Tee was 20 yards behind the women?s. Oh Well. They would hit from Dan?s ball marker. It was a very successful tournament. The McLoughlin family team had scored 7 under par. They felt Dan, Erin, and Fran were in the running for win, place, or show on the long ball contest. And Dad had participated in a contest at the 170-yard Par 3, 17th hole to beat the shot of a local pro and he had done so. Erin was really tired at the end of the match. She was out of shape and it showed. She could hardly carry Stacey?s clubs from the cart drop-off area to Dan?s car. Dan said he would carry them, but Erin insisted that she was not helpless and wanted take care of herself. Then she went into the clubhouse to join in the usual good-natured kidding around at the end of the tournament. She was sort of left alone, since she was not well known. But Dan and Dad got a lot of kidding about the girls in the family carrying the team. Erin was so tired that she went into the banquet room and sat down at the table that mom had saved for the family and took her shoes off. Then mom came to the table carrying Mary. As soon as Mary saw Erin, she wanted to be held and was not to be denied. Mom handed Mary to Erin and Erin cuddled her for a few minutes. Then Mary wanted to nurse, and Erin asked mom where the women?s locker room was and put her shoes back on and carried Mary back there and found a place. A number of women stopped to talk. A few recognized Erin from knowing her parents and a few just introduced themselves and then recognized Erin when she gave her name. All these were surprised that Erin was here and had played. Most of the women said what a cute baby Mary was, and were surprised to hear she was only 6? months old. Erin tried to engage everyone who wanted in conversation, but truthfully, she was almost falling asleep. After Mary was done, Erin went out and saw a coffee carafe and took Mary to where Mom was sitting and asked her to watch Mary for a moment and went back and used the restroom and refreshed her makeup and finally got a cup of coffee. By the time Erin got back to the table, Dad, Dan, and Fran were there, as well as Stacey and her children. Like usual, Skyler angled to sit next to Erin, so they could talk science. A minute later, Fran?s fianc?e, Roger, also arrived. Everyone moved to make a gap, so he could sit there, and Dad went to another table and stole a chair and a place sitting. Then the dinner buffet was announced, and Erin insisted that everyone else get up and serve themselves. She would wait with Mary. Erin reflected about how complicated life had gotten. The last time she had been to a tournament awards dinner, the only complication was whether to get a beer before going through the buffet line or after. When Mom was back, Erin left Mary with her and went and got herself a salad, a burger, and some nachos. When she got back, Mary insisted on Erin holding her. So, Erin quickly got everything ready, and then took Mary and started to slowly eat her dinner one handed while she tried to talk. Dad and Dan and Fran were excited that they had scored so well, although they knew that in a tournament like this, the winning team typically scored about 10 under par. But they had hopes for second or third. Someone at the next table asked Fran whether she expected to win women?s long drive again, but Fran laughed and said she wouldn?t even win women?s long drive on her own team. Stacey immediately understood and looked suspiciously at Erin and said, ?I thought you said you had not played golf much Erin.? Erin, ?I think I had a lucky hit.? But Fran laughed and said, ?Erin played pretty well all day. She had a few flubs, but she definitely helped the team.? Skyler told Erin, ?Erin, I enjoy playing golf too.? Then he somehow transitioned to what he was doing in school and his school science project and news of science. After a few minutes, Stacey told him ?That is very interesting Skyler. Now please give someone else a chance to talk.? Patty said, ?Yeah my nerdy little brother. Stop talking about boring stuff like science.? Erin jumped in so Skyler would feel good and said, ?Skyler, thank you for telling us that. It is very interesting. Patty how are you doing?? The girl didn?t like to hear anything nice about her brother. But she loved to tell people what she was doing and launched into talking about her school?s dance, what she was doing in music, and her basketball team. Then Stacey cut her off and said ?Dempsey. Why don?t you tell them about your basketball team?? Dempsey was very shy and only said a few words, so Stacey went through a couple of questions, so he would have a chance to tell them about something he enjoyed. Then the adults went back to their conversations. Erin noted the technique Stacey had used to be sure each child got a chance to express themselves and said quietly to Stacey, ?good job, mom,? and smiled. Stacey smiled back. Then came the announcements of the winners. Their team actually had a few mentions. Dad was mentioned for beating the pro among several others and collected a $50 check, which he donated back to the scholarship fund. Dan was second on the men?s long drive. He also donated his check. Then came the women?s long drive. Third place was mentioned first. Then the announcer said, ?And the second-place women?s long drive is awarded to Fran McLoughlin. Fran won the long drive last year, and actually drove 5 yards further this year. So, let?s have a hand for her efforts and consistency.? Everyone clapped, and Fran went up and got her check and donated it back. Then the announcer said, ?First place for the woman?s long drive goes to Erin McLoughlin. This was Erin?s first year, but we hope not her last. Congratulations, Erin. By the way, Erin is Dan McLoughlin and Fran McLoughlin?s sister. Guess it runs in the family. Fran and Erin both still live at home. I think they will be talking about this round at dinner, at least until next year. Come on up Erin.? Then Erin walked up, carrying Mary. As she walked along, she noticed Mary preening herself and smiling at people. What a ham. Erin thanked the announcer and the sponsoring organization, and, like the rest of her family, donated the prize back to the scholarship fund. Unfortunately, their team did not win anything. They were fifth place overall. But they were competitive, which made them happy. After dinner, Mom and Stacey went to use the rest room, and Dad and Dan and Fran and Dan?s kids went out to use the lighted putt-putt course that the club had put in last year. Erin was just sitting there spending some time with Mary, singing and talking to her, when she saw Miriam DelGado, her friend Tony?s mother, weaving between tables heading towards her. Without thinking, she waved her hand and said ?Hi Mrs. DelGado. How are you?? Miriam looked at her quizzically and said, ?Aren?t you Erin McLoughlin, the girl, err woman, who won the long drive? You obviously know me, but I don?t remember ever meeting you?? Erin thought fast and said, ?Hmm, I?m a friend of Clara Sanders. I think I met you once when I was with her. Don?t remember exactly under what circumstances.? Miriam, ?Could be, I have been friends with Clara?s mother for years. And with the whole family, in fact. It?s a shame about her son being missing. They are all really upset about that. He was not the sort to just disappear. So, they are very worried.? Miriam, ?If you don?t mind my saying so, you don?t look strong enough to win a long drive contest.? Erin, ?Well, I?m not as strong as many of the women I beat. But club head speed and ball control can be as important as strength.? Miriam thought, ?That is what Tony?s high school golf coach used to tell him and his best friend, and then they told me. It must be a common saying in golf.? Then, changing the subject, she said, ?Is this your daughter? How cute. What is her name?? Erin, ?Her name is Mary. I named her after my mother. She?s a sweetheart. Everyone tells me how lucky I am that my first is so easy to deal with.? Miriam, ?How old is she?? Erin, ?6 ? months.? Miriam, ?Really, she?s a big girl.? Erin, ?Yes. Her father was 6?7?. I think she is taking after him. Miriam, ?Well, you are not a petite woman. So, I think both of you contributed. Did your husband play in the tournament with you?? Erin, ?Actually, I?m not married. In high school, I was a very stupid girl who got involved with a man who was selfish and self-centered. And Mary is the result. Not that she is a mistake. She is a gift from God, given to me even though I don?t deserve her.? Then something clicked in Miriam?s head. She said, ?Didn?t I read about you in the news a few weeks age? Something about shooting your boyfriend?? Erin laughed. ?Yes, my boyfriend, Mary?s father, wanted me to go off with him and leave Mary with my mother. I didn?t want to do that. He was incredibly arrogant and cared nothing for Mary, and really cared nothing for me. But he didn?t take rejection well and broke into my house and tried to abduct me. So, I shot him. I didn?t want to, but he is a huge, muscular guy and I am like a little girl beside him, so that was the only way to keep from having to go with him. Now you know the story, the good and the bad and the ugly.? Something about that comment struck a memory in Miriam. Then she remembered it was a favorite saying of Tony?s best friend Brian. Miriam said, ?The paper didn?t tell that story. They said your nickname from high school was ?Crazy Erin? and that you lured him to your room and shot him in the balls out of spite.? Erin, ?Yeah, but they forgot to mention his history of assaulting me and that that he hogtied my mother in the living room.? My father hired a lawyer and after he talked to the paper, they issued a retraction. But the main story took up a lot of page 1 on a Sunday, and the retraction was on page 11 on a Thursday and had 10 lines in it. You probably missed it.? Miriam laughed and said, ?Well, it was nice to talk to you Erin. Take Care.? Erin again spoke without thinking and said. ?You too. And tell Tony I said hi.? Miriam gave her another quizzical look. ?What an odd girl,? she thought as she walked off. Later, Erin and Mary got a ride home with Mom while Dad stayed and talked with friends. Erin felt very satisfied but couldn?t quite figure out why. After all, golf was just a game. But then she realized it was something that he/she had been able to do well before and now could still do fairly well. It was an indication that she had not lost everything she had worked hard for in her former life. That was important to her. CHAPTER 17. MAY, VISITING A SPIRITUALIST, BRIDESMAIDS NIGHT OUT, TALKING TO TONY, PRESENTING THE GED, LAST GED TEST, ANOTHER VISIT TO NOLA That week, when she wasn?t doing childcare, Erin needed to study for her last GED test and work on LaTesha?s list of things she needed for her GED. Sunday after church, Erin talked to Debbie and verified that she would be working five days again the next week. So, during the day she would have to find time when both babies were asleep to both study and work on LaTesha?s list. She had learned how to do that fairly well since she started caring for Jeremy, but with babies nothing was predictable. She would also have to work on both tasks in the evenings when she could. Erin remembered she needed to make an appointment to visit Brian the weekend after next. She should also make an appointment to visit LaTesha the same day. But she had a commitment to Carol. Should she invite her along. Erin was sure Jenny wouldn?t mind. But then Carol would either wind up being alone while Erin, Clara, and Jenny visited Brian, or she could go along on the visit to Brian, which would mean they couldn?t talk freely about Brian?s history. Or she could ask Mom McLoughlin to drive her and Carol to the prison next weekend and go by herself with Clara and Jenny the following weekend? This was getting complicated. So, she called Clara after dinner and talked to her about it. They decided that the best solution was to go with Clara and Jenny the weekend after next. That would give Erin more time to get the material for LaTesha together and would solve the conundrum of how to both keep Carol from being the odd woman out and still allow them to talk to Brian. It also prevented them from having to rush back from Nola to get to their girls? night out. Monday, when she had a few minutes free, Erin went online to the GED website and estimated how many pages she needed to copy/print for LaTesha. There was over 400 pages of printing from on-lines sources alone, as well as some book copying. Erin was glad now that she would have another week to work on this task. She needed to talk to Debbie?s parents about doing the on-line printing at their house. She could send things to the print queue and let them print and if it took hours, no big deal. But she needed to talk to them about it. Their printer was not designed for high-volume. But then the printer at the library was not that good either and she would have to sit and watch it print. At another break, Erin tried to call LaTesha, but as expected she could not get through. So, she contented herself with calling the young women?s facility at Nola and reserving a time at 9:30 for a visit with LaTesha the next Saturday. Then Erin called the men?s prison at Nola and got an appointment to visit Brian at 1:30 the same Saturday. That evening Erin called Carol to offer her a ride to Nola the next Saturday but found that because Carol was now working at Pederson?s, she and her husband had been able to buy a used car and would visit LaTesha this coming weekend and would visit some out of town family the following weekend. Erin was very happy for her and also happy that she didn?t need to juggle schedules to insure she and Clara and Jenny could visit Brian on their own. So, Erin called Clara and verified that the visits to LaTesha and Brian the weekend after next were set up. Tuesday, Erin looked at the books that LaTesha needed copies of, and decided that she could buy them on Amazon, which would be better than trying to copy them. She found five were available in paperback used for very good prices, so she ordered them. That left two more that were fairly expensive. But then she decided she would rather not deal with copying the book, which was illegal anyway, and that she could afford it and LaTesha was well worth it. So, she ordered them too. Tuesday afternoon Erin got a call on her cell phone from a number she didn?t recognize. Since it was an in-state, private call, Erin decided to take it and was surprised to find herself talking to one of the guards at the Young Woman?s facility at Nola prison, who was trying to set up an evening for Erin to come in and talk to the inmates about the GED. In fact, they wanted her to come the following Thursday. Erin said she would have to verify that she could get a ride, but tentatively agreed, and said she would call back if not. Then she went to ask Mom about transportation, and Mom said ?Sure. We will leave as early as possible after you get home.? About 8 PM, Erin got a call from Clara. Clara, ?Erin, Sorry if I am calling too late. But I ran into someone that you have to talk to.? Erin, ?Who? Why do I need to talk to him or her?? Clara, ?I was talking to some of the therapists in my office and one of them mentioned a very good gender therapist in private practice. But said outside of work this therapist was into some sort of occult beliefs that included mind transfers. This is your opportunity to talk to someone about who you really are. And she might be able to give you some insight into why you were switched from Brian to Erin.? Erin, ?I know who I am, I?m Brian, No, I?m Erin. Damn, I see what you mean. But I can?t pay for this therapist. And I can hardly put it on my parents? insurance.? Clara, ?I talked to our Mom and she will pay for it. She thinks it might be useful to help you to figure things out. I know you feel you are doing OK on your own. And you are. In six months you have come from a drug-addicted single mother, alienated from her parents, without a high school degree, supporting herself in various forms of petty crime, who was likely to lose her child if she was caught, to a woman who is loved by her parents, who is one test away from a GED, and who has held two responsible positions and has some savings and is more and more respected in the community. That?s great. But still you don?t know exactly who you are and what your options are. I?m just thinking it might be very useful for you to talk to this therapist.? Erin, ?OK. Do you have a phone number?? Clara, ?Better than that, I called her and made you an appointment tomorrow night. Can you do that?? Erin, ?Yes. But I need a ride.? Clara, ?I?ll pick you up at 5:30 and we?ll get a sandwich for dinner and be at her office at 6:30. The appointment lasts until 7:30. Will that work?? Erin was starting to feel a little rushed but couldn?t see any real reason to delay so she said ?OK, We?re on. I want to bring Mary. Is that OK?? Clara, ?Absolutely. See you tomorrow, Sis.? As always, being called ?Sis? was jarring to Erin. Maybe it was worthwhile talking to this therapist. The next day Erin studied her GED material in what free time she could get. That was only about an hour, but Erin appreciated it. She still hoped to take the last GED test in early May. After Debbie got home, Erin turned Jeremy over to Debbie and held Mary for a while and tried to do some more studying, but Mary was not particularly cooperative, and Erin wound up playing more than studying. Debbie?s father goth home about 4:30 and took Erin home. When home, Erin spent some time making sure Mary was fed and then put on a double diaper, so if she wet during the therapy session, Erin would not have to stop and care for her daughter. At 5:30, when Clara came over, Erin was ready. They stopped at a sandwich ship and got sandwiches and diet cokes. They got to the therapist?s home office at 6:15 and choked down the sandwiches in the car and then knocked on the door. The woman who opened the door was about 40, dark-haired, 5?6? tall, and attractive. Clara said ?Hi. I?m Clara Sanders and shook her hand in a feminine manner.? Erin, ?I?m Erin McLoughlin,? and did the same, and then she indicated Mary. ?And this is Mary.? The woman smiled and said, ?I?m Sasha. And wandering around the kitchen is my husband David. Can I offer you some herb tea?? Clara and Erin both declined, and the woman said, ?I use the room at the end of the hall as my office.? They proceeded down the hall and Sasha showed them into the room, which had several comfortable looking chairs and a small sofa. Clara selected one of the chairs and Erin took the sofa, which gave her room to lay Mary down if necessary. She deposited her purse and changing bag on the floor in front of the couch and then settled down with Mary in her lap. Mary for her part was alert and jabbered and wiggled. Erin said, ?I may have to stop and bread feed, Mary is still nursing.? Sasha indicated that would be fine if necessary, and then sat down herself. She said, ?So Clara, we talked yesterday and you made this appointment for your sister. I must say, I don?t see any family resemblance. I assume you are just very close friends.? Clara, ?No, we actually are ?sisters?.? Erin, ?Sort of anyway.? Sasha, ?Ok. Clara, you said something about Erin suffers from gender dysphoria. That is my practice. But I see no indications of gender dysphoria. No lack of confidence. No attempt to present as the opposite gender or to wear gender ambiguous clothing. And very few women who identify as men have a child with whom they are obviously close and have allowed themselves to become, or remain, pregnant with another.? Erin, ?So let me first tell you that we are interested in discussing more than gender. We have heard that you are convinced that stories of mind transfers between people are real, and we would like to discuss that with you.? Sasha, ?Ah, I see. I assume you have a story to tell. But let me first say that although I dabble in such beliefs, I am very skeptical about individual cases. When investigated, most of them turn out to be falsified, either unintentionally by a person with mental problems, or intentionally for the sake of fraud. So, I will be asking some very pointed personal questions.? Erin, ?Yes, that is fine. No objection. Had I not lived this story, I would never have believed it. I was born Brian Sanders, brother of Clara Sanders, son of Peter and Jenny Sanders. I lived a rather unremarkable life until last October. I did things that many young men do in high school, I played two sports, soccer and golf, and was captain of the golf team at Blakefield Prep. I played in a band for several years. I had male and female friends. I graduated with honors and went on to college and graduated with a civil engineering degree with a specialty in water and sewer systems. I also got a minor in math and physics. I was very happy. The only issue I had was a difficulty establishing romantic partnerships. I was quite short, only 5?5?, and not particularly robust, only weighing 135 pounds, and like Clara I was pretty, which was not characteristics of a ?Chic Magnet.? Clara has recently told me that she felt that girls she knew thought of me as feminine in some ways. I don?t know. I do know I always felt like I was male, always wore male clothing and participated in male activities, and definitely was interested in girls romantically.? Clara jumped in and said, ?That?s all true, but there was definitely a feminine emotional vibe. Brian was warm, was able to discuss feelings easily and often did so with people who were interested. Although he dressed male, he tended to like colorful clothes and be conscious of fashion. My friends often told me it was cool that I had a brother who I could share things with and that in some ways he was more like my sister than my brother. He and I were very close, and I told him almost everything about my friends, even my boyfriends. It was different than any of my friends? relationship with their brothers.? Then Erin said, ?My former life ended on October 16, 2016. I was in Eugene at a water-sewer system conference. I had an encounter with a man and a woman and a baby outside my motel. The man was brow-beating the woman. In my opinion he was acting extremely abusively. I called him on it and told him to knock it off. Since he was 6?7? and big in proportion, that was perhaps not the wisest thing to do. But I felt I could keep him busy long enough that she could escape. Instead, he beat the hell out of me and stole my wallet, while the woman appeared resentful of my intrusion. I was left unconscious on the ground. Someone called 911 and the police and an aid car showed up. While the medic was checking for injury and tending to some bruises and cuts, I gave a statement to the police. Then I went back to my room and called and canceled my credit cards and then tried to go to sleep. Not a very successful attempt to help a woman and child. Basically, I felt like a fool. And because of that and my size, I felt like wasn?t much of a man. I had failed in a recent attempt to establish a romantic relationship with a woman engineer I knew, and now I couldn?t even provide help to a woman and child who clearly needed it. Eventually, I went to sleep and had a dream that I was talking to some sort of spirit, who asked me why I was so unhappy. I told her of my frustration at not mattering to anyone, at not being able to help people. She seemed to say that things would change soon, but that I should sleep since I had a very trying time coming up. She was sure right about that. I woke up and heard someone else in my room. I told them to get the hell out before I called the police. Then the light flipped on and I saw was in a different room, laying in a bed, and on the other side of the bed there was the guy who had beat me up. He was madder than hell and threatened to kill me and called me nasty names and then told me to get the hell out of his room and got up and grabbed me like I was a child and took a baby out of a basinet and put her in my hands and opened the door and pushed me out, like I was a rag doll, and slammed the door behind me and locked it. There I was in the hallway carrying a baby. I was very cold, and it turned out that I was naked as a jay bird. I looked around myself, and I was still in the same hotel, and even on the same floor of the hotel. So, I decided to go to my room and see if I could get in. As I went down the hallway I passed a mirror. I looked in the mirror and saw a tall, very heavy, naked blond woman carrying a baby. I guess because I still felt punchy from all that had happened that evening, it didn?t immediately strike me that the woman had to be me, but I knew something was wrong. After walking around a little in front of the mirror and making faces, it finally struck me that I was no longer Brian Sanders, I was someone else, someone female. Then I recognized that I was the woman I had tried to help earlier. I spent some time thinking things out and decided that the best thing to do was still to try to get into my former room. After all, I didn?t want to be discovered walking around the halls of the hotel as I was. I walked an additional 400 or 500 feet down the hall to my former room. It was locked as expected. I knocked several times with increasing urgency. But otherwise I kept things as quiet as possible. After all I didn?t want anyone to call security. Finally, I heard someone engage the chain door limiter and the door opened a little. Brian?s face appeared, and his voice told me to go away or her boyfriend would beat the hell out of me. I told him that he should turn on the light and look around, that I thought he was in a different room than expected. That I had had a similar experience. That we could help each other figure out what was going on if he would let me in. In a few moments, he undid the chain and let me in. But I don?t think he was aware he no longer Erin at first. After all, who expects that. Anyway, I sort of dragged him in front of the mirror, where he saw the two of us. He still didn?t get it, so I told him to raise his arm, which he did, and I pointed to his image, and said look, you are the boy in the mirror, not the girl. At this point he fainted. I put the baby on the unused bed and dragged him to the other bed and with great difficulty dragged him up on the bed and covered him up. Then I lay down with the baby to try to sort things out in my mind. Soon, the baby and I were both asleep. A few hours later my former self woke up and was poking me from a safe distance to wake me up. We had a really weird conversation. Then the baby started getting fussy. I asked him if he could take care of her, and he laughed and said no way. He was now retired from caring for babies. He thought the baby, Mary, wanted to nurse. That was obviously up to me since I was the only one in the room with tits. After that revelation, he showed me how and I nursed the baby for the first time. As I did so, I felt an intensely close connection with the baby. It was sort of a Zen moment. I knew I would do whatever it took to insure the baby was cared for and loved. Just that simple. Brian and I had a very weird conversation for several hours. I found out my name, Erin, my boyfriend?s name, Rex, my baby?s name, Mary, and age (2 months). I also found out that I was an unwed mother, and that I had never graduated from high school. At first my thoughts were to work together to figure out what had happened and try to reverse it. But Brian made it clear that he wasn?t interested. He had always wanted to be a man, and this was a dream come true. So, I refocused on what we had to do to live for the next few weeks. When I thought about it some unpleasant realizations hit me. I had been financially secure on my own as Brian. I had a degree and a job and was careful with money and had a savings account and a car. The job was a fairly well-paying one at an engineering firm. But I realized that as Erin I had nothing except the knowledge of how to access Brian?s money. And I had no legal right to do that. I was absolutely destitute, with a baby to support. Brian suggested I could support myself as a prostitute, but I rejected that both because I hated the idea, and because I knew it was a short-term solution that precluded solving the long-term need for a steady job and stable living situation for my child and me. Then Brian dropped another bomb on me. He told me I was addicted to Percocet?s, and that sometime that afternoon, I would go into withdrawal unless I had another pill. However, there were some pills squirreled away in her/my suitcase. Brian suggested that I put on some of Brian?s clothes and go down to the front desk and ask for a replacement key card and then sneak into Rex?s room and take the baby?s suitcase and Erin?s suitcase. That would solve a lot of problems, clothes to wear, Percocet?s, diapers and baby care products. She said Rex would be asleep since his plan for the evening had been to have sex and then take cocaine, and he probably had taken cocaine before or after throwing me out. I reluctantly agreed that this was something I needed to do. But, frankly, I was terrified. Rex had beat the hell out of me as Brian. As Erin, I was even less able to defend myself. If he caught me, what would I do? Brian told me that if I was caught I should ?give him what he wants, e.g., sex, and he probably won?t kill you.? That was not very reassuring. But I followed up on his suggestion. I put on some tighty whities, which were tight as hell, and a set of sweats and a pair of socks and shoes and went to the front desk. I think the fact that I looked like hell, bruises on my face, shadows under my eyes, no makeup. hair awry, wearing a pair of sweats, either made the clerk feel sorry for me or gave credence to my tale of woe. He gave me a key card, and I went up to Rex?s room. I still don?t know whether Brian had set me up, or had misjudged the situation. But Rex woke up when I snuck into the room, and trapped me, and threatened me, pulled off my clothes, and forced me to have sex. But at the end he opened my and Mary?s suitcases, threw them out into the hallway so clothes were scattered everywhere. Then Rex threatened to kill me if he ever saw me again. I put the clothes back into the suitcases, put the sweats back on, and went back to Brian?s room. When I arrived, I must have sobbed for 10 minutes straight. Brian just told me that sex in exchange for other considerations was the way of the world and that as a woman I should get used to it. As I sat there, I realized that Mary needed new diapers desperately. I asked Brian to take care of it, and he basically said no way, he was done with taking care of Mary. It was my problem. So, I took her into the bathroom, and laid her on the counter on a towel. I flushed the liner to the paper diaper, cleaned off the plastic part and put it in the garbage. I had thought to just wipe Mary off, but she was filthy all over. So, I filled the sink for a bath. But when she saw the water she screamed bloody murder. It was like she had a bad memory about water. Anyway, I decided to do a sponge bath using the hotel washcloth. It took over half an hour before I had her clean. She smelled much better than when I first held her. Then I called out and asked Brian to bring me a diaper. Reluctantly, he did so, and I put it on Mary to the best of my ability. I think it was pretty loose. Strangely, Mary enjoyed the sponge bath as much as she was terrified of the bath in the tub. She giggled and smiled. What a beautiful smile she had, still has in fact. Then I took her out and laid her on the bed I had slept on and put some bedding around her, so she couldn?t roll off. I inventoried her clothing and found she had two onesies, and they were filthy. In fact, all her clothing was filthy, and most of Erin?s. I resolved to visit a launderette to clean it that day. Then I asked Brian to watch Mary while I took a shower, which he reluctantly did. I felt better once I was clean and dressed in something that at least wasn?t too dirty.? Then Erin realized that she was going on about details that weren?t important. She said ?Sorry Sasha, I know this isn?t important. To make a long story short, we managed to get through the conference. I gave the presentation from my firm as Erin, a woman engineer who was a last-minute replacement for Brian. I contacted my firm and asked for an advance on my salary since I had been robbed and lost all my ID. With that, I bought another plane ticket to Blakefield for Erin, and we came back. The strange thing is I found myself responsible for all the organizing and arranging everything while Brian sat around and watched television. I even carried the suitcases. One other thing of note was that Brian retrieved his Percocet?s from Erin?s suitcase and used them to extract sex. I had to sleep with him and do other things he wanted me to do to get the next day?s pill. It wasn?t so bad most of the time. I honestly was curious about sex as a woman, so I didn?t fight it too much. But I resented being his servant even though I had earned all the money we were spending. Brian was really a strange person. Occasionally, he could be considerate and thoughtful, but usually he was distant and uncaring, and sometimes he was a total asshole, sorry. One time he worked at pleasing me during sex and it was a good experience. But most of the time he only worked on pleasing himself. And once he gave me some sort of drug that put me to sleep and I woke up and discovered he had done anal on me. I was so pissed off. I did take to biting the perc?s in half and saving half. After all I wasn?t doing the perc?s for the pleasure, but only to stave off withdrawal. I hoped that half a pill would suffice for that, which apparently it did because I never went into withdrawal, although sometimes I felt pretty crummy the hour or two before I took the next pill.? Sasha, ?Erin, could you tell me how you felt when you were having sex as a woman.? Erin, ?What do you mean. It just felt like sex.? Sasha, ?I mean were you repelled at sex with a man. Did it feel OK? Did you enjoy it. Did it feel natural?? Erin, ?Well, I was repelled at being raped by Rex. I was so terrified. He could have killed me with little effort, he was such a big guy, and so self-centered. With Brian, the one time he really tried to make me feel good, I liked it. I loved that he seemed to care for me so much. The other times, I guess I was a little repelled. I mean those times he didn?t seem to care what I thought or felt. I was just something he used for his own pleasure, even though I felt I was in most respects the key player trying to do things that would benefit all three of us.? Erin continued, ?When we got back to Blakefield, we stayed at my, Brian?s, apartment for a few days, while I was trying to figure out what we should do. One thing I knew I needed to do was get off the perc?s. Not only did I hate being dependent, but I was worried about whether the perc?s could get to Mary through nursing. I was concerned that if I just went to the county to get help getting into a detox program, that they would take Mary. I just couldn?t let that happen. So, I needed to get someone to pay for detox, and provide care for Mary at the same time. I asked Brian to call Clara and arrange a meeting, which of course I attended. I had hoped to present evidence of what had happened and get Clara to convince our mom and dad to help me. But, Clara was skeptical at first. I can?t blame her. It is a cockamamie story. But, when she wouldn?t believe me, I felt desperate. Then Brian something unexpectedly nice. He only had one more pill. He thought I was going to be going into withdrawal the next day. So, he said he would help me present myself as Erin to his family, the McLoughlin?s, in the hopes that they would provide the help and childcare I needed. Of course, I knew I could last several more days without going into withdrawal by taking the half pills I had saved. But if he was willing to help me, I thought I should take advantage of it. In retrospect, I also suspect he wanted me gone so he could have access to Brian?s resources without my interference. But be that as it may, he told me how to call his mother and how to convince her I was Erin and I took advantage of it. Erin?s parents got me into a detox program and I completed it and have lived with Erin?s parents since then. They are good people. I feel guilty about lying to them and have tried to make it up to them by doing what I could to make them happy. I have come to love Erin?s family almost as much as Brian?s. In retrospect, I should not have been so desperate. I found out later that the perc?s that Brian was using to control me costed $19 each on the street. Using Brian?s money, I could have bought enough to last as long as needed if I knew how to contact a dealer. I mean, I wouldn?t want to last too long, but another week to sort things out a little would have been useful. Clara decided to believe me after thinking about it a few days and asking more questions. Certainly, I could have bought enough perc?s to last that long. But at the time I felt desperate. I didn?t know how to buy drugs safely and wanted to take the surest route to getting off drugs, for Mary?s sake. So, I took the help from Erin?s parents. But even with that, my relationship with Clara has been really important. She has supported me in so many ways.? Sasha had been taking notes furiously. Then she said, ?Erin, could you tell me how you got pregnant. You only mentioned sex with two men. Is that all.? Erin laughed, ?Two is more than enough to get pregnant. So, after I had been through detox and had been living with Erin?s Mom and Dad for a while, I got a message from Brian that he needed to see me. We met at the Mercado restaurant near Lambart Park. I let him get me a coke. After I drank it I have no memories until I woke in the hospital. Apparently, he slipped me a GHB and then took me somewhere and raped me. Then he dropped me in the park. They found me the next morning. That?s how I got pregnant.? Sasha, ?But weren?t you nursing Mary. That is supposed to prevent releasing eggs.? Erin, ?I was not nursing while I was in detox. When I came home, I had a period. Brian was not aware of that, not that I think knowing I was potentially fertile would have necessarily stopped him from raping me.? Sasha, ?Oh God. But what prevented you from getting an abortion.? Erin, ?It just did not feel right. After all, these two babies did not choose how they were conceived. They are innocent. Plus, how could I abort Clara?s biological niece and nephew and our parents biological grandbabies?? Sasha, ?Grandbabies?? Erin, ?Yes. I?m pregnant with twins.? Sasha just shook her head. Then she asked, ?Are you still in contact with Brian?? Erin said, ?Actually, yes. He disappeared right after the rape. I think he ran through the resources I had left him and then tried to make a living by petty theft. But he wound up hurting an elderly lady while he was stealing her purse. So, he is doing 5 years at Nola prison. He saw me when I was visiting a girlfriend at the young woman?s facility there and got a note to me to visit him. I think he was very lonely. Then I told Clara and she wanted to visit him. I think just out of curiosity, but there is still a connection even though the spirit in the body is not her brother?s. She or I, I don?t remember which, told our mother, and she went to visit Brian too. Actually, at the time our mother did not believe I was Brian but meeting this other person in Brian?s body convinced her. We have all agreed to see if we can help him find his way in life after he gets out. Sasha, ?Erin, can you tell me what you like to do in your spare time, and what kind of entertainment you like. Also, if you could be anything you wanted, what would you be? And how about friends? Are there people whose company you seek again and again? If so, who are they?? Erin, ?What do I like to do in my spare time? Well, let me say I have very little spare time. A baby takes a lot of time. And I am working almost full time caring for the baby of a friend while she is in school. But beyond that I like to read, mainly politics and science. And I occasionally I like to watch sports on TV mainly with my dad, and occasionally alone. When I am alone the sport I like to watch is soccer. As to the what I want to be, I love being a mother. I love caring for children. But, otherwise, I would like to be a civil engineer again. That is work I did as Brian. I was good at it, and would love to do it again. I even enjoy doing work around the house relating to civil engineering, i.e., plumbing, wiring. Regarding friends, I am not the sort of person who has dozens of friends. I have a few close friends. Looking back at the last six months, the only friend from before the switch that I have maintained contact with is my sister, Clara. We were always very close. But I have made some new friends. One was a girl I met at the detox center. We shared a room, and a lot of hopes to have a better life in the future and spent a lot of time talking. Another was a woman I worked with in a short-term job at an engineering firm. She had a background in accounting. We hit is off and occasionally I see her. A third is a girl one year younger than Erin who attends Erin?s church. She was pregnant out of wedlock and the minister criticized her and me in his sermons a lot and we bonded over that. I am doing childcare for her now as she completes her senior year of high school.? Sasha, ?Are these new friends all women?? Erin, ?Yes.? Sasha, ?Are any of them romantic interests?? Erin, ?No. I guess I haven?t thought about a woman romantically or sexually since the switch.? Finally, Sasha said, ?OK, I think that is enough for this evening. But I will sum up my impressions for you. First of all, I saw no red flags in your story of the mind switch to indicate it was either fraudulent or a fantasy. That is not to say I am convinced it is true. Just that I don?t see any indication that it is not. If I were to try to verify it, I could do several things. First, I could try to verify the basic facts, were you and Brian both in Eugene Oregon on the date the reported mind switch occurred, did Brian Sanders report an assault by a large man that evening, did Erin McLoughlin give Brian Sander?s presentation at that conference, did Erin McLoughlin purchase an airplane ticket to Blakefield a few days later? Second, I would interview people who had met both Brian and Erin before and after the reported switch and try to put together a picture of whether and how both personalities changed after the reported swap and whether those changes are consistent with a mind swap. I would also try to identify whether there any transfer of knowledge or abilities that could be explained only or most easily by the reported swap?? At that point Clara said, ?I am willing to testify that the personality I see in Erin is basically the same as the personality I saw in my brother Brian up to last fall. I can also verify that Erin has knowledge about Brian that she could not have easily acquired unless they are the same person.? Sasha, ?OK, that is good to know. But, generally, I find Erin?s story very believable. The details make sense and the change is consistent with changes observed in other verified cases of mind swaps. I will explain what that means another night, since it is so late.? Sasha continued, ?Second, I find no convincing evidence of gender dysphoria, either in your reports of Brian before the switch or in you, Erin, now. I am most confident about Erin since I have interviewed you. Your interests and instincts are female, particularly as regards your daughter, your friends are female, you are very concerned about relationships, you wear female clothing and present a female face to the world without embarrassment or denial, and you are the sort of person who wants to arrange things so everyone is happy and healthy, a very female trait. That is not to say that you are a girly girl. Clearly, you love science and math, and you like to watch sports. But those are not exclusively male traits, just as the others I mentioned are not exclusively female traits. But overall, your personality is female. I must say that a mind switch between different genders is unusual when the previous identities were strongly committed to their gender. This does lead me to think that before the switch, Brian had many female traits, but not necessarily that he was technically transgender.? Erin ?I was hoping to get some feeling about why the switch occurred. I was just going along in life relatively happy and content, and suddenly I was someone else. I wonder why it happened. And I wonder if it could be reversed. I?m not saying I would reverse it, after all I have a baby to care for and two on the way, and the former Erin had no real interest in caring for babies. But I was just wondering.? Sasha, ?Well, your dream indicates there are controlling entities that did this because they thought for some reason things would be better if you and Brian switched bodies, even though it would result in an initial period of pain and unhappiness. You would have to convince them it would be better to reverse the change. Better for both you and for the current Brian. So, Brian would have to also want to switch back. You would both have to feel you really wanted to do that and you would both have to feel it would be better for everyone concerned. I don?t think that is true, is it?? Erin, ?No, no I guess not.? Clara, ?Erin, if I may offer an opinion?? Erin looked at her and said, ?Go ahead.? Clara, ?I think you are much happier as a woman, and are accomplishing much more, even though you cannot use your education. I think Brian is better too. Even though he is in prison. Before he was a slave to a man who was a bully and a thug and a rapist, and was trapped doing something he hated, being a mother. So, I think whoever did this, got it right. But you should know, whatever happens I am your sister and love you.? Erin, ?Thanks, Sis.? Sasha, ?I should mention, I have never heard of a body swap like this being undone. Apparently, the entities that control this sort of thing are hard to convince that they have made a mistake. So even if you and Brian decided to do everything you could to reverse the swap, it is unlikely that you could.? The next morning, Erin woke up thinking she had messed up her schedule. It was Thursday, wasn?t she supposed to be at Nola Prison tonight to talk about the GED. But she looked at her calendar and saw that was next Thursday. But then noted that Saturday was girl?s night out, and that she had not yet arranged babysitting with her mother. But when she asked, Mom and Dad had already committed to a club event. So, Erin said it was OK, she thought she had an alternative. That evening, Erin called Clara and asked if she would ask Jenny to babysit during Girls Night Out. Clara put down the phone and Erin heard her say, ?Hey Mom, would you babysit Mary while Erin is out with me and the Bridesmaids this Saturday.? Then Erin heard their mom say, ?Sure Honey, I?d love to.? Clara got back on the phone and said ?Why don?t I pick you up at 4. That?ll give us some time to visit.? Erin, ?OK, Mary and I?ll be ready at 4. By the way, what should I wear? Is just a simple dress OK or should I get a little more dressed up? I have to admit that getting dressed up is sort of a challenge since most of my clothes no longer fit and Erin?s old maternity clothes are very unattractive. I guess a camouflage maternity dress would be a statement of some sort. Or Mom and I could visit the maternity shop and look for something. As a matter of fact, I would enjoy that. It would make me feel better to have a nice dress for church.? Clara laughed and said, ?Oh, listen to you, girl. OK, you convinced me. We should be a little dressed up.? That made Erin embarrassed because realized that she was dressing to feel good about herself, like a girl, but so what. After the phone call, Erin went and asked her mom if they could go to the maternity shop Friday evening or Saturday. She wanted to pick out a nice dress she could wear Saturday night and for church for the next month. Erin made clear that she would pay for it, so she was just asking for transportation. Her mom seemed delighted with the idea, and said, ?Erin, that sounds like fun. I need to do some clothes shopping too.? Erin and her mother and Mary went Saturday morning. As always, Erin was always concerned about covering her tattoos and looked for full sleeves. But such sleeves were not available for most spring/summer dresses. So, Erin went to several stores with maternity clothes, and finally selected a light floral print with ? sleeves, so most of the tattoos were covered. The stomach area of the dress was too big right now but in a month or two it would be perfect. It was a little expensive, but it did look nice, in a mature sort of way. But the whole experience made Erin worry. How was she ever going to find a suitable dress for being the maid of honor at a wedding when she didn?t know what size she would be? When they got home, Erin had trouble getting Mary to sleep. Mary was maturing now and just didn?t need as much sleep as before. But finally, Erin laid down with Mary for a while and she went to sleep. Erin used the breast pump and mixed what she got with some formula and put it in bottles in the refrigerator. Then she got a little studying done with some GED study materials she had printed at Debbie?s. But Mary only slept for a little over half an hour. So, Erin gave up on studying and went and got Mary up, gave her a complete sponge bath, put on a diaper, gave her an opportunity to nurse, and then went down to the living room and found her father watching the Mariners on TV. She and Mary watched with him for a while and then Erin played with Mary for a while. Luckily her father accepted the noise without complaint and even joined in after a bit. Then Erin asked her father if he could watch Mary for a half an hour, and she went up and took a shower and put on her new dress and came down and found her father watching the game with Mary asleep with her head on Dad?s shoulder. Erin rushed out and got her camera and took a picture. Then she took Mary and checked her, and sure enough she needed a new diaper. So, Erin changed her, got the bottles, diapers, extra clothes, toys, etc. together in a carrying bag. By then it was almost 4 and Erin went down to wait. In only a moment, Clara drove up and Erin said good night to Mom and Dad and hauled Mary and her things out to the car and they sped off. As they were driving, Erin asked Clara, ?Has our Mom told our Dad about me?? Clara, ?Dad had been really upset about Brian being missing. So, a few nights ago Mom told him. Not surprisingly, he has had a hard time believing it, but we both talked to him for quite a while. You and he will have a chance to talk about it tonight. He?s been anxious to talk to you ever since we told him you were coming over. He?s sitting in the family room waiting for you now. Looking at you, maybe a pink flowered dress might not have been the best choice for this conversation.? Erin, ?Yeah, I probably should have done something about the baby bump and the boobs too.? Then they both laughed. Erin said, ?Say, it is what it is. He?ll just have to deal with me as I am. Actually, I believe in our dad. I think he will get there, because all the evidence supports it.? Clara said, ?Yeah, I think so too.? A few minutes later they pulled into the driveway. Erin started to load Mary and her stuff in, but Clara rushed over and grabbed the bag. Erin said, ?Thanks, Sis.? And they both walked in. Their father, Peter Sanders, was in the office that opened directly onto the entryway. He saw them come in and said, ?Hi Clara, Hi Erin.? Erin looked at Clara, who indicated she should go in and say hello now rather than later. She walked in to the office, carrying Mary, and said, ?Hi Daddy. You haven?t met my baby yet. This is Mary.? As usual when she encountered someone she didn?t know, Mary babbled and waved and did her best to be noticed, in a good way. Then Dad Sanders got up and walked over to Erin and gave her a hug and said ?I?m so happy to see you again. I was so worried.? Then he held his hand out to Mary. Being the ham, she was Mary reached out too and he took her and brought her close. Erin broke down and cried on his shoulder. ?I?m so happy you are willing to accept me and Mary, Daddy. I?ve missed you so much.? He said, ?Well, I can?t say that I was able to accept the story Mom and Clara told me easily, but I do have faith in them, so yes I believe you are Brian transformed. After that acceptance is easy. I understand from Mom and Clara that you have had all kinds of adventures along the way and I would love to talk about them with you sometime. For now, let me look at you two. I understand that Mary is only 6 months old. She is a big girl. And she seems so sweet. As a matter of fact, both of you are big girls. I have to say, on first impression, you speak very differently than Brian. Brian never called me Daddy. And your voice intonation seems different, female. And you speak so easily of Mary as your baby. I gather that is because you have become very female, out of necessity. But do you feel different, Erin? Are you still interested in the same things? And are you happy?? Erin, ?Dad, having been on both sides of the divide, I think that men and women are much more similar than most people think. I think motivations and things that give us pain and pleasure are basically the same. However, because we face different challenges, women respond differently. For example, raising children is basically a woman?s thing, so women are much less likely to be promiscuous because raising a child without help can be so difficult. So, although we have the same brain, we seek partners very differently. Similarly, since women spend so much time on children, of necessity they are less likely to be devoted to their career. There are some strong differences in narrow areas that I have felt. I bonded with Mary almost instantly while I was nursing her the first time. And when she nurses I feel a sense of closeness and a connection that is very special and that I never felt before. Many women I have talked to feel the same bond. However, the old Erin never felt that sense of closeness. So maybe it?s not universal. I also feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility to my children, but I would probably feel the same as a father with my children. I think that sexual attraction and responses are also inherently very different between men and women. Although as of now, I have not had a sexual attraction to either a man or a woman, so I don?t know. However, I don?t feel so very different. I still love math and physics and engineering. As soon as I got a job, I subscribed to the same three magazines I have read for years. News of the LHC still grabs my attention, same as before. As for whether I am happy, I think so. I have given up much that I loved, friends, family, career. On the other hand, I have made some good new friends, woman friends, and I love being a mother. And now I have my old family back, and also a new family that I love. And I am proud of what I have accomplished as Erin, without a degree or any other sort of credentials and with a reputation as a bad girl. So, am I happy? Yes. Am I more or less happy than before? I guess the answer is more. What I am accomplishing as Erin is so much more substantial than just having a satisfying career. I have a daughter who needs me, and two children on the way who will need me.? Dad, ?Yes, I had heard that the person who was Erin was transferred into your body and actually gave you GHB and raped you. Yet you have elected to birth the children. Aren?t you furious and hurt?? Erin, ?Of course, but not at the babies. They are totally innocent. So why would I choose to terminate their existence? I want to raise them to be good, happy, loving, productive people. Particularly since they are you and mom?s grandchildren.? She saw tears in his eyes and remembered her father had difficulty expressing emotion. So, she just gave him another hug and said, ?Let?s join mom and Clara and talk as a family in the kitchen, like we used to.? They went into the kitchen and sat around the informal dining table, Erin, without thinking, sitting in the seat that Brian had sat at all his youth. They talked as they had traditionally talked, about her parent?s work, Clara?s upcoming wedding, and Erin, while Mary babbled along wanting to be involved in the conversation in some way. Erin had not sat in this spot for almost 7 months, but in some ways, she felt as though nothing had changed. But then she looked down at her pink floral print dress, her daughter, and her body and realized that a lot had changed, but not her basic self. She was still the same person inside, the person who had grown up with these people who had nourished her physically and mentally for most of her life. They had numerous questions for Erin about this and that in her new life. And she asked questions, so she could catch up on her parents? lives for the last 7 months. At the end of an hour, Clara and Erin stood up and told Mom and Dad Sanders they had to leave. Then her father said, ?Erin, I didn?t see it at first, but now I see that you are indeed Brian. Not that I didn?t believe, but it is good to see Brian in there.? Then Erin showed her mom what she had for Mary?s care, and told her about Mary?s aversion to being put in water. She felt that Mary was in good hands. Then she and Clara went to meet the other three bridesmaids for dinner at the Mercado Restaurant. Erin had had a bad experience there once, but it was not the restaurant?s fault. So, she hadn?t mentioned it when Clara suggested it. The three of them got a table in the main section. The other four ordered some wine. Since she was underage and pregnant, Erin just had a coke. They chatted for 45 minutes catching up on each other and getting briefed on how the wedding would go by Clara. They exchanged suggestions for how to handle various aspects of the wedding, and the three bridesmaids included Erin as an equal, even although they were all 5 years older. She felt confident enough now to join into discussions about clothes and even men. So, she thoroughly enjoyed herself even though they put her on the spot with questions about her pregnancy and recent events with Rex. Then they rode to the dress shop with one of the bridesmaids who had a large SUV that they all could fit into. The first thing they did was finalize Clara?s dress design. She got a Ball-Gown V-neck Court Train Satin Lace Wedding Dress With beaded sequins. It was a simple, comfortable design, not terribly expensive, but very flattering for her petite figure. They had agreed that the Maid of Honor and bridesmaids could select their own dresses, as long as they kept to a similar color, salmon. Clara said this was a wedding, not a military formation. So, each bridesmaid selected a dress in that color that suited them and that they could use later, although each considerately tried to keep to a similar look. Finally, the dress designer looked at Erin and said, ?Now we will have a problem.? Erin for a moment felt that she had done something wrong, but in discussion it was clear the lady just meant a problem how to assure they got an attractive, matching dress that would be sure to fit a young lady who would be very pregnant at the wedding. But the designer knew her business and with input from Erin they decided on a version of the dress one of the other bridesmaids had gotten with no waist and sufficient room for a baby bump of whatever size. It also had full length, semitransparent sleeves to hide Erin?s arm tattoos. The designer assured Erin it could be tailored to wear after pregnancy if she desired. The price was reasonable, $250, so Erin was very happy. After arranging for fittings in early June, they went back to the Mercado for dessert. Clara told them that the manager of the group who would provide music at the wedding was in town visiting family, and he had agreed to talk to them to finalize arrangements. Erin went cold. That meant Tony, Brian?s best friend. God, what would he think of Erin? Erin thought to herself with some despair, ?I?m just a young girl, with a baby, and pregnant. And without a husband. He?ll never appreciate what I?ve done the last few months. How hard it?s been to establish the life I have now. He won?t know I shared his life when we were young. I?ll just be another girl. And not even a particularly attractive one. (She did not consider herself pretty, in spite of what Clara told her.) And she knew her face and neck still showed some bruising. She had tried to cover it with makeup, but if you looked you could see it. Tony would see it. Erin knew he was very observant, especially where girls were concerned. What would Tony think of the bruising? What would he think of the ugly tattoos on her arms? God, what would he think of her obvious pregnancy? Was there any way of telling Tony who Erin was? Was there any way of reconnecting with him, to just be his friend again? To tell him she still had advice and compassion to share. That they could still be friends and enjoy their former comradery. Erin knew what Tony liked in women. He liked them sweet and kind. He liked them sensible and smart. And he liked them small and pretty. Like Clara. Not like Erin. She didn?t see anything she could do to make him notice her, to secretly tell him she was Brian. Erin decided to just be herself. Maybe she would get a chance to say a few words to him. When they got there, Tony was already there, with his two boys in tow. They had grown a lot since Brian last saw them. Clara said, ?Hi Tony, it?s so nice to see you again, and the boys. Hi Angelo, Hi Duncan, how are you two?? Tony smiled and said ?Clara. Great to see you again. Angelo, Duncan, say ?Hi? to Miss Sanders.? Both boys were very shy. Angelo said, ?Hi, Miss Sanders.? But Duncan just hid his face. Then Clara said, ?You know my friends from school, Angie, Lena, and Sammy. And this is my Maid of Honor, Erin.? Tony shook hands carefully with everyone, ending with Erin. He flashed her a smile and said, ?Nice to meet you Erin.? At that moment her stomach sort of jumped, and she stopped breathing, but then she recovered and smiled and said, ?Nice to meet you too, Tony.? She wound up sitting across from Tony and every time he looked at her she thought to herself, ?Geez, what a nice-looking guy.? Brian knew that Tony was attractive to women because he never had a problem getting a date, and his dates were usually attractive. But Brian had never had any sort of reaction to Tony?s charms. Now, it was all Erin could think about. ?Whoa,?, Erin thought, ?Easy girl. This is your best friend since you were 5 years old. Your mothers are best friends. You and he were on the same youth soccer team. You attended church together your whole life. You played in his music group. You were on the high school soccer and golf teams together. Get a hold of yourself.? Then they ordered some desert. Erin, as usual, just asked for a small dish of vanilla or cherry ice cream with a dusting of nuts on top. Tony sort of frowned, remembering that this was what his friend, Brian, had always ordered, as a measure to control calorie intake. He couldn?t remember anyone else ever asking for it. Tony yakked with Clara about what was going on in each other?s life. They both mentioned Brian being missing. Tony said he was very worried. It wasn?t like Brian to just disappear. Tony had been brought up to be polite and considerate, and made a point of talking to everyone at the table. He chatted with each bridesmaid about various aspects of her life, and finally turned to Erin and said, ?Erin, I understand you met my mom a week or so ago. She said you have had an exciting last few months.? Then the other three bridesmaids insisted on hearing all about it. So, Erin told the story of bad judgement getting involved with Rex and having a child with him, of Rex?s assault and threatened abduction and how she had had to shoot him to keep from being dragged off and of how the papers had misreported the context of the incident. One of the bridesmaids said, ?Oh I heard about that. You shot him in the balls during sex.? Erin bristled at that, ?I shot him wherever I could while being raped. I was not a willing participant. And if you ever saw Rex, you would realize that he is so big and strong that the only way I could protect myself and my daughter was to use a weapon.? The woman immediately apologized. But Erin could feel Tony looking at her. She thought, ?Damn, why did that have to come up? Well at least it would cut off any romantic inclinations in either of them.? Then Duncan had to go potty, so Tony said, ?Angelo, you stay here and be good for the ladies.? Angelo did not want to be left and started whining. So, Erin said, ?Angelo, could I tell you a story. Please.? Angelo had been raised to be polite too and said ?OK.? Erin said, ?Why don?t you come over here and sit on my lap?? He did so, and she told him a story that her father used to tell, with all the exaggerated expression and facial animation that Brian had learned children love in a summer drama course. The story was about the mathematician, Lenard Euler and how in spite of being brilliant he was he was a really nice guy and had 13 children and loved them and used to do mathematics with a grandchild on his lap.? Tony got back midway through the story. He listened to the end, and said, ?That?s a story your Dad used to tell, isn?t it Clara? How did you become familiar with it Erin?? Erin said she just heard it once and it struck a chord in me.? Then Angelo smiled and said, ?That was a fun story. Thanks.? After that, they turned to the music program. Clara said that she wanted 5-year-old westerns. But her boyfriend liked mellow jazz. Was there any way to blend those? Also, there was definitely going to be dancing. Could he include some active dance and also some slower music, since their parents and same middle-aged friends would be there. Tony said ?Sure, he could do a mix of the two types of music that are danceable and throw in some slow dance music.? Then he listed about 30 songs and asked what Clara thought. She said sure, and asked what other people thought. Erin said, ?How about some of the romantic classics, and mentioned Ann Murray, (?Can I have this Dance?), Blake Shelton (?Austin?), Helen Reddy (?Somewhere in the Night?), Joe Diffy (?John Deer Green?), John Michael Montgomery (?Life?s a Dance?), Josh Turner (?Your Man?), LeAnne Womack (?I hope you Dance?), Martina McBride (?My Baby Loves Me?), Mary Chapin Carpenter (?Shut up and Kiss Me?), Patty Loveless (?I?m that kind of girl?), Randy Travis (?Forever and Ever?), Sara Evans (?Suds in the Bucket?), Shania Twain (?You?re Still the One?), Shenandoah (?Next to You Next to Me?), Tanya Tucker (?Two Sparrows?), Tim McGraw (?I like it, I love it?), Travis Tritt (?Great Day?), Trisha Yearwood (?Perfect Love?). Clara said, ?Oh, those really sound good. Can we do some of those too, Tony?? Tony said, wait a minute, and got out a piece of paper and a pen. Can you say them again, Erin? So, Erin went through them again, with Tony writing them down. About half way through, he realized why the list sounded so familiar. They were some of his friend, Brian?s, favorites. Weird that this young girl and Brian should have such similar tastes. Then he told Clara he would get her an email list of the songs that he thought his band could do well enough to include. After Tony left, Angie said, ?Gezz Erin. You need to get that blush under control.? Erin said, ?What, What blush?? Angie said, ?You have been pink ever since we said hello to Tony. And your voice has been breathy.? Erin, ?I have not, have I?? Clara laughed and said, ?It?s true Erin. You need to learn to take a deep breath and decompress.? Erin, ?Well, there?s no danger he will take advantage. What man would want to date a woman who shot a guy in the balls.? Angie, ?Well, it was a nice touch, offering to tell his son a story.? Erin, ?I was just trying to head off a tantrum. Besides he?s a nice kid. I enjoyed telling him a story.? Angie said, not unkindly, ?Sure, Erin. Hey, it?s all right to react to someone like Tony. He?s really nice and really attractive. It?s not a problem. You shouldn?t be ashamed or anything.? Erin, ?I didn?t react to him. I didn?t.? But it was obvious that she did. It was so confusing to Erin that she felt some tears starting to form. Clara intervened and said, ?We should get going. Mom is taking care of Erin?s baby.? Then she took Erin to their parent?s home, where their mom was sitting in the kitchen holding Mary, who was asleep in her arms. Jenny said, ?She?s been a sweetheart. She obviously has a good mother.? Erin said, ?Thanks Mom,? and took Mary, who stayed asleep. Jenny said, ?You two have a good time?? Clara said, ?Yes. Erin was flirting with Tony.? Erin said, ?I was not. I don?t even know how to flirt. I was a little uneasy. I?m not sure what our relationship is.? Clara, ?Well if you weren?t flirting, it was a good imitation.? Jenny, ?How did Tony react?? Erin, ?Well, we started the conversation by me having to explain that story about how I shot my former boyfriend in the balls while we were having sex. So, I doubt if Tony reacted at all well to me, whether I was flirting or not. What man would? I sure wouldn?t have.? Erin was almost crying by this point and realized that it mattered to her what Tony thought about her. She pulled herself together and said. ?It doesn?t matter. Tony and I are just friends, or at least I hope we can be friends again. We?ll never be anything else.? Jenny and Clara heard the tension in her voice and felt the emotions that Erin was not expressing. So, Jenny just walked over and gave her a hug and said ?It will be OK, Erin. This is just one night. Tony will not hold that crazy story against you. He?s too smart and too kind. It will be just fine.? Erin wasn?t so sure, but suppressed her tears and said, ?Thanks Mom. I think we should go. Mary and I need to get up early for church.? So, Clara drove them home. When they got into the house, Erin?s Mom greeted them. She asked if Erin had had a good time. She said ?Yes,? but looked so miserable that Mom knew better. She asked, ?What happened, Honey?? Erin cried and said. ?Nothing Mom, I just had to explain to some guy who was incredibly nice and handsome why I shot my boyfriend in the balls, and I?m sure this guy thinks I?m crazy now, just like everyone else thinks I?m crazy.? Erin felt totally out of control. She knew she wasn?t being rational, but she couldn?t help feeling what she was feeling. She hated the sense of self-pity that was driving her now and didn?t know where it came from. Why did she feel as though something important had just been taken from her? Why did she care what Tony thought? Why did she think that using deadly force to defend herself against a rapist and potential kidnapper somehow disqualified her from being Tony?s friend? They would either find a way to be friends again or not, and if not, she was doing fine with the friends she had. But for some reason it seemed critical to her that Tony like her, Erin, for herself. She couldn?t figure out why. So, she gave up and carried Mary up to her room and started preparations for bed. Mom digested what Erin had said. She had obviously been attracted to a boy but had somehow been forced to discuss the incident with Rex. Taking the long view, Mom realized that this meant Erin was moving on to want a relationship with another man, but that for tonight a potential relationship had not worked out. After years of dealing with Rex, and then 6 months of seeing her daughter care for a child alone with two more babies on the way, Mom felt this was a positive thing. But she felt very bad for her daughter that tonight had not worked out. But she realized that there would be other boys and other nights and hoped that Erin?s obvious maturity and sweetness would allow her to establish a relationship that she wanted, even if she had a reputation for craziness leftover from her high school years. The next week Erin focused on preparing for her visit to Nola Girls? Detention Center on Thursday night and to Nola Prison Saturday. After church Sunday, she asked mom to take her to the library. There were a number of study books you could take out. She took pictures of them but didn?t check them out having been warned that things disappear. She also went on line and printed out a lot of instructions and study material and put together a power point on the rules for the GED. Finally, she started a power point on her experiences and suggestions on the GED. That week she took every opportunity she could at Debby?s to work on the power-points and print out more GED material that she encountered. On Tuesday night she went over it with her mother and got several very good suggestions that made the power-points clearer. Erin also called back the number that the guard who was arranging the presentation on the GED to verify that they were still on for Thursday night and to get more information on the logistics. She asked if her mother could be with her to help watch her baby. The guard suggested that she leave them both at home, but Erin said she didn?t drive and so needed her mother to get there. And there was no one else to leave the baby with. She wasn?t married. The woman just said ?OK, I guess we wanted someone the girls could relate to, so an unwed mother who can?t drive should be what we should expect.? Erin bristled at that but didn?t let herself react. Then the woman asked, ?Could you be here by 6:30?? Erin knew that would be touch and go but said she would try.? Then she asked mom if she could pick her up at 3 at Debbie?s and go directly to Nola. Her mom said she would take a couple of hours off, so she could do that. Wednesday, Erin incorporated Mom?s suggestions and went over it all again. She also called the employment agency operated by the state jobless benefit program and asked for any information about jobs for people with and without high school graduation or GED. They emailed her a listing of jobs available in the two categories. It was eye- opening. There were only a limited number of jobs available for people without a high school graduation or GED, and they were poorly paying and hard physical work. She took pictures of the two lists and put them in her power-point. Finally, she took pictures of the official acknowledgement of passing grades for the first three tests she had taken and added them to the power-point and copied the power- points to thumb drives. She felt as ready as she could be. Thursday morning, she reminded Debbie that she had to leave as soon as possible and asked her to come directly home. Debbie agreed, but somehow, she couldn?t get home until 3:30. Erin quickly told her about Jeremy?s day and then she and mom got going. Traffic out of Blakefield was heavy but not too bad, so they managed to get to Nola about 6:15, not enough time for either of them to eat. Mom had stashed some energy bars, so they weren?t totally starving. They went directly to the visitor?s processing center and give them the papers and books they brought for LaTesha and for the presentation, along with diaper bags, clothes for Mary, Erin?s tablets, and a couple of snack things for LaTesha. It made quite a pile for the guard to inspect. At 6:20, the guards coordinating the presentation on the GED came out to see if Erin was there. They assisted the guard at the visitor center and Mom, Mary, and Erin were rushed in for the start of the presentation at 6:30. However, of course, the projector was not in place as it should have been. That gave Erin a few minutes to greet LaTesha and her and Mom and Mary a chance to meet some of the girls who would be attending the presentation. The presentation finally started at 6:50 with a short video about the GED produced by the state of Idaho. It was slick but had little substantial information. That was all that the guards had produced. Apparently an official from the GED office had been unable to attend. Then it was Erin?s turn. First Erin introduced herself. ?Hello, my name is Erin McLoughlin. I do not have a high school degree. In fact, I totally screwed up high school. I honestly don?t know why. I was lucky enough to have wonderful parents and a good home. But early in high school I decided that a bunch of idiots who could care less about my welfare were more important than my family. Maybe it was because the pills I got into took away my judgement. Maybe it was because I couldn?t cope. I don?t know. I do know that I spent my entire high school scrambling for perc?s and trying to show the world that I was so smart and tough that I didn?t need anybody connected with the establishment to tell me what to do. When I was a junior I hooked up with a guy, more troubled than I. He actually dealt drugs. I wound up getting pregnant by this guy and finally dropping out of school. I gave birth reluctantly, but then he talked me into going off with him. Honestly, at the time I was too screwed up to care much for my daughter, Mary. I took her with me out of spite. I am not much sure what we did while we were away from home. The perks took away my ability to remember, as well as my ability to think. After two months on the road, I finally realized several things. First, my boyfriend didn?t care for either me or my child. Second, I was putting my child in danger. First by nursing her while taking drugs. Then by endangering her by being around irresponsible behavior.? ?I was lucky. I found a fairly decent guy who gave me a ride home. He demanded sex in exchange, but he kept his word and got me home. Then my parents agreed to spend some of their hard-earned money to pay for detox. Since, I?ve been working to get my life back together. I?ve had some missteps. A guy who I thought was a friend gave me GHB and raped me and I woke up, naked as a jay-bird and pregnant, in a park in Blakefield. And I found I had some sort of intestinal thing that requires a lot of money to control. I will always wonder if I picked it up while I was away from home. Frankly, while I was on drugs, I?m sure I did things that could have put me in this facility. I don?t remember, but I had to be doing something to be buying perc?s. I guarantee that Rex was not buying them for me out of the proceeds of honest labor. But again, I was lucky, not to get caught.? One of the steps to putting my life together is passing the GED. I cannot ever support my children without that. And I cannot depend on my parents forever. It isn?t fair to them. So, I have been working on my GED for 6 months now. I have passed three out of the required four subjects, Math, English, and Social Studies. I am studying for the science part of the test now. I hope to take that next week. One thing I want to show you is a list of jobs that people without high school degree or GED can get. This list is for the entire city of Blakefield. She put it up on the screen. There were only 20 or so entries. She said, ?You cannot see the details, but all of them involve hard physical labor and all of them pay very low wages. Most of them have no benefits and varying hours. Few of them have any opportunity for advancement.? Then she switched to the next slide. Now here is a list of jobs available for someone with a high school degree or GED. They are not particularly good, but there are about 4 times as many listings, and many of them have some opportunity for advancement. Not all require hard manual labor, and many have some benefits. This shows it is worthwhile to get a GED. And I am here to tell you that all of you can do it. It involves new habits and a new determination and some support. But compared to the fortitude to get along in this facility, it?s a breeze.? Then she went to the main topic of discussion, the GED and how to do it. She gave more detail than the state video and talked about how to get information about the material to study, how to schedule a test, and how to take it. Next, she talked about how to study and what materials were there to help. Last, she talked about each individual test and how to address it. Finally, she showed her certification of passing the first three tests she took. When she was done and asked for questions, she got an ovation. There were many questions and the guards finally had to terminate the session at 9 PM. Erin ended the night by handing LaTesha all the material on her list of things to study for the GED and having LaTesha hug her and thank her for coming. By the time they left, both Mom and Erin were spent but happy. Mary had somehow lasted the entire session, but now demanded to be fed and allowed to sleep. So, Mom drove home while Erin nursed Mary, and then changed her, and finally put her in the car seat to sleep. Mom stopped at a Micky D?s and got a couple of small burgers and drinks, which they ate while travelling. They got home at 11 PM. Erin changed Mary again and got her dressed for bed. But Mary was not sleepy now. So, Erin had to allow Mary to sleep with her. It took an hour more in Erin?s bed for Mary to finally go back to sleep. Only then could Erin get to sleep. The next day Erin dragged herself out of bed early so she could be ready to go to Debbie?s with Mr. Silver. She decided that instead of pushing to get something accomplished, she would just spend extra time with the babies. It was a relaxing day. Debbie was a little late, but Erin had no reason to be in a hurry. After Debbie arrived, she and Erin visited for almost an hour while Erin waited for Mr. Silver to give her a ride home. When she got home, Mom was already there. Erin hugged her and thanked her for the ride last night. Her mom hugged her back and said ?It was good of you to do that. I think you got through to a lot of those girls how to get their high school credentials. I was proud of you.? Erin, ?Thanks, Mom.? Then she checked Mary to insure she didn?t need changing or Feeding and carried her into the kitchen to help Mom with dinner. After dinner, she called Clara. They chatted about the girls? night out on Thursday. Erin apologized for being so weird. Clara asked, ?So what was going on anyway?? Erin said, ?Oh, I don?t know. I guess it was bound to be awkward talking to Tony. He and I were such close friends and now it seems like there is a barrier between us. Like we can?t talk the same way as before.? Clara, ?Well, it is very difficult being just friends with someone of the opposite gender. The way you experience life is so different. And if there is any sexual attraction, it is particularly difficult, because it gets in the way of communication.? Erin, ?Are our experiences so different? I mean, he is taking care of two young children and I am taking care of one. And we are both trying to find a way to support ourselves. I know he is finding that music is hit or miss, even though he is very good.? Clara, ?But he?s not nursing, so he gets time off. You don?t. Your baby is totally dependent on you, personally, in a way that his children are not. And, of course, he is not pregnant. And he can get any number of jobs in other fields besides music. It is his choice. I guess it all comes down to that he has lots more choices than you. Any responsible woman with a child cannot just take any job she wants. She has to include her child in her plans. So, I do think you do experience things very differently than Tony. And of course, there is the sexual attraction between the two of you.? Erin, ?What sexual attraction? I wasn?t attracted to Tony. He?s my best friend from my early life, for heaven?s sake. Besides, I?m really a boy.? Clara, ?Are you? Erin, it was so obvious when you met him. He flashed that smile of his and you almost melted. You turned red and could hardly talk. It?s nothing to be ashamed of. He?s a very attractive guy, and really nice. Someday he will find another girl he likes and marry again and will make her very happy.? Erin, ?But not me. I mean, I?m five years younger than him, no high school degree, and already have a child, and am pregnant with twins. And I?m sure he considers me crazy, because of that and because of what happened this Spring. And I?m not really a girl. So, his smile shouldn?t affect me.? Clara, ?Well, apparently, it did. Furthermore, he had a sexual attraction to you too. He kept looking at you out of the corner of his eyes. And he made a point of including you in everything he said.? Erin, ?What? He did not. Why would he be attracted to someone like me?? Clara, ?Because you are a very pretty girl and you are very sweet and because you have strong values. That is obvious from the way you talk. And that is the kind of girl Tony likes.? Erin, ?But with three children and no husband and a history of shooting boyfriends, he must think I am a nut.? Clara, ?and the way you talk and act contradicts that. He may not be totally convinced you are OK, but neither is he convinced you are a nut. So, he is still attracted. Besides, attraction is more emotional than rational. And you two seem to have an emotional connection of some sort.? Erin, ?Hmm, I doubt that.? Erin, ?On another subject, are we still on for the drive to Nola tomorrow morning?? Clara, ?Yep. We will be there at 7:30. You know mom likes to get going early. If we have the time, we will stop for breakfast.? Erin, ?OK, we will visit LaTesha at 10:30 and Brian at 1:30. The visit with LaTesha will be mainly social, since I saw her last night.? Clara, ?Oh, how did that happen?? Then Erin described being requested to come to a meeting in the girls? detention center and talk about the GED, and about what happened. Clara said, ?Wow, Erin, it was very nice of you to go to all that trouble. And your mother too. I wish I had been there. I know it is very nice for the girls in detention to hear from someone who has had similar experiences. It makes words of encouragement much more believable.? Erin, ?Well in some ways I felt like a fraud. After all, as Brian I went to four years of college and had a wonderful family, which many of these girls did not.? Clara, ?Yes, but you studied for the tests while nursing a baby and working, and I know you studied hard for each of them. And you did have to detox from drugs and underwent a sexual assault while you were studying but kept at it. So, don?t discount your accomplishments with the GED. In some ways it was harder for you to pass the three GED tests than to graduate from college, since when you did that you had a ton of support and no other commitments.? Erin, ?Well, thanks. So, Clara, have you given any thought to how we should handle the visit with Brian? Should we talk about what the gender specialist said?? Clara, ?I don?t know. I don?t want to push it too hard. I don?t want to tell Brian who he was, I want him to tell us who is was. By the way, did you get a chance to ask you Mom if Erin was a tomboy?? Erin, ?Yes. And yes, she was, a huge tomboy. But apparently, she couldn?t get along well enough with coaches and teammates to be welcome on a sports team, although she tried several times. Maybe she was too much of a boy to even pretend for a moment she was happy playing on a girls? team. Anyway, when Fran was about 12, she decided she was interested in athletics too and did well from the beginning. Somehow, this caused Erin to quit any sports. Mom said that was when I (Erin) started acting out and getting into trouble. It?s possible that being displaced as the family?s ?Tomboy? left Erin rudderless and not sure what she was.? Clara, ?Well, now I think we should talk to Brian about this. Maybe we can confirm some of it. But we have to present it as questions, and if he denies, we let it alone.? Erin, ?OK.? Clara, ?Dad was glad to talk to you last weekend. It took away a lot of his concerns.? Erin, ?I really enjoyed taking to him too. I?m a little surprised he believed in me so readily. We need to get together as often as possible. Will he be coming with us to Nola?? Clara, ?No. He said he wasn?t ready to face a shell of his former son. You know he struggles with dealing well with strong emotion.? Erin, ?Yes, I know.? Erin remembered her father crying about family deaths and disasters that cost lives when she was Brian, things most men wouldn?t cry about. Then Clara said, ?Dad believed you because he really trusts mom. I hope my relationship with my husband is so good. Besides, as we sat in the kitchen talking, you started sounding like Brian. Like a somewhat feminized Brian, but like Brian. Nevertheless, you can expect Dad to give you a quiz on math and physics someday to verify.? Erin laughed, ?OK.? The next morning Erin got up at 6 AM and spent half the time until 7:30 getting Mary cleaned up, nursing her, and getting her things together for the trip. Then she spent 45 minutes washing her face and getting dressed and putting on makeup and jewelry. Ugh. As Brian, he just got up, ran a shaver over his face, washed, went to the bathroom, dressed and was out the door in about 15 minutes. That was one thing she missed. But she was ready and waiting on the curb at 7:30 when Jenny and Clara drove up. She loaded herself into the back seat, and Jenny drove off. Jenny was a bit of a speedster, and they were at Nola in about 1 hour and 40 minutes. So, they stopped about 10 minutes outside of town at a restaurant advertising country breakfast and went in and had something to eat. Erin just had some coffee and oatmeal. She took the opportunity to change Mary and give her a chance to nurse if she wanted. She didn?t. Then they went on to Nola and parked at the girls? detention center visitors lot and were checked in by 10:15. As usual, they had to wait a while to get in. They were only able to get into the visiting room at 11. They talked to LaTesha for an hour, who told them her parents would also be there at two. Erin asked, ?That?s great LaTesha. But I thought you could only have one visit per day?? LaTesha, ?Usually that is true. But given it?s you they let it get by. After you pulled their chestnuts out of the fire the other night, they were willing to cut you some slack.? Erin, ?Did I do that?? LaTesha, ?Yes. They were supposed to have someone from the state GED Office, but at the last minute they said they wouldn?t be here. No excuse, nothing. So, the guard who was coordinating the presentation thought they would have to reschedule. But they decided that because you were on the way, they would at least have a limited presentation. But your presentation of the rules of the GED was so good, they don?t feel they have to reschedule. Plus, many of the girls are now so enthusiastic, that the guard who was coordinating feels she is justified to reinstate the GED study program. You did a great job Erin.? Erin, ?Well, thanks for the compliment. I am glad I could help.? LaTesha, ?Yes, and I have all that stuff you gave me, which will let me get started and help some of the other girls get started too. So at least for now, you?re a star here.? After they left the girls detention center, they did not feel hungry for lunch yet, so they just went to a coffee shop and sat and talked. Clara and Erin talked to Jenny about what they had decided to do when they saw Brian. Mom agreed with them about what to say. Actually, she was caught up playing with Mary and was more than willing to let Clara and Erin take the lead. Jenny was just there to make sure everything went well. Before they left the coffee shop, Erin changed Mary and nursed her, and the three women all used the bathroom. There was no bathroom in the men?s visiting room and none of the three wanted to make more than one walk down the corridor to the entrance where the bathrooms were. They were at the entrance at 1:15 and checked in by 1:30. As at the girls visiting center, they sat around waiting until there was space in the visiting room for them to see Brian. The corridor they had to walk down was just as unpleasant and ever, but they had learned to ignore the catcalls and propositions. Erin thought that being obviously pregnant would reduce the number of comments aimed at her, but, if anything, there were more than ever. What were these men thinking anyway? When Brian saw them, he smiled and said ?Hi everybody. Hi Erin. Hi Mary. Hi Clara. Hi Jenny.? They all said hi. Erin asked him ?How has your last few weeks been, Brian?? Brian, ?sorta sucked, but almost all prison time sucks. No, don?t bother to lecture me Erin. I know I got myself here with my own actions. But still the time sucks. The last few weeks have been better than most. I had something to read and pass the time. I enjoyed that book you brought last time Erin. Heinlein?s a cool writer. I tried to read the other two you guys brought too, but they didn?t have enough action. I?ll keep trying.? Erin, ?Heinlein was my favorite when I was a young boy. I brought you another of his books this time.? Brian replied, ?I guess in terms of reading, I?m like a young kid. But that is OK. It helps pass the time. But Erin, I heard you were here a couple of nights ago and didn?t come see me. I was disappointed.? Erin, ?The guards put on a presentation on the GED in the Girls? Detention Center, Brian. They called me and asked me to come and talk about my experiences with it. So, I did. I wasn?t here to visit LaTesha. I just saw her for a few minutes. Actually, our Mom drove me, and we arrived just in time and left at 9 PM.? Brian just shook his head. He said, ?It amazes me she will do these things for you, Erin. She never wanted to do stuff for me. It was always Dad who would do some things for me, but never happily. Well, Erin, I guess you couldn?t have fit in a visit with me. But I sure would have liked to see you. I?m lonely here.? Erin, ?I know Brian. I would have visited if I could.? Then, to everyone?s surprise, Brian turned to Jenny and said, ?Happy Mother?s Day, Jenny. One day in advance.? Brian held up an 8?? x 11? piece of paper that had on it ?Thank you for being my Mother.? It was illustrated with a lovely recognizable drawing of Jenny and smaller drawings to the side of Clara and Erin. He said, ?I can?t hand it to you because of visiting rules, but I will mail it to you if someone will contribute a few bucks to my mail fund for mail to you.? Then he said, ?Thanks to all of you and especially to Jenny for being willing to help me, even though I hurt your Son/Daughter (whatever). Nobody has ever been willing to help me in spite of my flaws before.? Jenny, ?Why Brian, that?s very sweet. Thank You. Did you do the drawings yourself? They?re very good.? Brian nodded. He said, ?I draw cards for lots of the inmates. It?s something I like to do. And I get a little bit of money for it. I was happy to do a card for you, Jenny.? Jenny said, ?Thank You. By the way, it is OK to call me Mom if you want.? Brian smiled with a little tear in his eye and said, ?Thanks, Mom.? Then Clara asked, ?Brian, would you be willing to talk some more about your relationship with your former mother?? Brian, ?I guess.? Clara, ?Can you tell us what you fought about most with your former mother?? Brian, ?We fought about almost everything. She was always after me to be something I wasn?t. Couldn?t accept me for myself. It was just a constant nagging to change.? Erin, ?Brian, I asked our mom if Erin was a tomboy when younger. She said yes. Is that what she wanted you to change?? Brian, ?Yes, I hated dresses and hated dolls and hated girls? games, and she always wanted me to do them. I would refuse and tell her to go to hell, and other things, but she would still try to force me to wear dresses and would throw away any boy?s stuff I had. We always fought about that. After a while we fought about everything. I would try to be away all the time, so I could do what I wanted. And I started taking drugs, so I didn?t feel so bad.? Erin, ?You felt bad about all this fighting?? Brian, ?Yes. I didn?t want to fight with Mom. I just wanted to be myself. I hated fighting.? Clara, ?Brian, did you want to be a boy, instead of a girl?? Brian quietly said, ?Yes. That is why I didn?t want to switch bodies back, Erin. It was a dream come true to suddenly be a boy. I didn?t have to be a mother or wear dresses or try to do makeup or be pretty or kiss some guy?s ass or any of that crap.? Erin, ?So, why did you originally hook up with Rex?? Erin, ?Because it pissed off my parents so much. Then I wound up pregnant and my mother insisted I have the baby, and then she named her. She wouldn?t even let me name my own baby. So, I took off with Rex. He knew about my quirks and accepted them. I thought I could deal with him and with having to have sex with him, and it pissed off my parents so much that it was worth it. But Rex was totally in charge and I had to do what he wanted and if I didn?t he took what he wanted. He was so big and strong, I really had no choice. I was like his slave. I could sort of cope. As long as I gave him anything he asked for, he wasn?t violent. But it wasn?t what I wanted. I wanted to be independent, I wanted to be a free man. But I couldn?t. Then you showed up Erin. At first, I thought you were just a dumb-ass little boy scout. But after the change, the way you handled the problems, still giving your presentation and getting us back to Blakefield, I realized you had a lot on the ball. And all the while you were dealing with a change in gender that you didn?t seem to want but were still taking care of Mary much better than I did. That was important to me. I didn?t want to be a mother, but I wanted Mary to get good care. When I saw you doing so well as Erin I realized that blaming all my problems on being a woman like I used to was foolish. Not that I wanted to be a woman again. But I couldn?t blame everything on that. Then when we got back to Blakefield, everybody seemed to like and respect Brian. And you were so determined to get off drugs, for Mary?s sake. So, I just knew Brian had been a good and responsible man and Erin was now a good and responsible woman. And you seemed to care about me, a little anyway. I wanted to be like Brian so much. I fantasized about being your husband and Mary?s father. But I drifted back into pills, and I managed to hurt you and lose your affection. I?m sorry Erin.? But now with your and Clara?s and Jenny?s help I think I can do better. I?m determined to do better. Clara, ?Brian, can I ask you some questions that are diagnostic for being transgendered?? Brian, ?Sure.? So, Clara went through a series of questions that addressed the diagnostic conditions for gender dysphoria and said that although she was not a gender therapist, she believed that Erin before the change had been a trans man. Then Brian said ?Erin, what about you? Before our switch did you want to be a woman?? Erin, ?I don?t remember ever wanting to be a woman. It?s not that I hated the idea. I just never thought about it. Even though I was a small boy who was challenged competing in the world of boys, I seemed to do well enough and was fairly happy. But Clara thought I was girlish when I was young.? Clara, ?It?s true, he seemed to have a feminine emotional makeup. He was fashion aware, he loved music and dance, and he and I were very close friends and talked about everything, and I mean everything. But he had a very determined personality and did do OK in sports and did go out with girls. And he loved math and physics and engineering. But being determined and sports and engineering and going out with girls does not mark a person as either male or female. Females do all those things. I always thought Brian would be happier as a girl just because of things he said when we talked, but he was sort of OK as either a boy or girl.? Erin, ?One thing I have found about myself is that I love being a mother. I don?t know why, but almost from the first moment I nursed her, I had this deep connection with Mary. It is surreal.? Brian, ?I heard some women say that, but when I was Erin I never felt anything other than what a pain in the ass it was.? Erin, ?And I have no issue with the other aspects of being a woman. Makeup, dresses, hairdos, are not something I really get off on. But doing them doesn?t make me feel like I am doing something that is not me, so I guess I am OK being a woman, and enthusiastic about being a mother.? Jenny chuckled and said ?Erin, it?s a good thing you are happy about motherhood, because you have a lot of it in front of you.? Erin, ?Brian, last week Clara and I went to see a gender therapist to get some guidance. She said she didn?t think I was transgendered, but that my gender identity might be uncertain or fluid. I have thought about that this last week and I agree with her. I think I can be happy either as a woman or as a man. But the real question is what is my sexual identity. I used to be attracted to women. But I haven?t felt any such attraction since the swap. So, I don?t know. Time will tell. That caused Clara to look at Erin with her eyebrows up. She asked, ?What about Tony, Erin?? Erin ignored her, but Brian said, ?Who?s Tony?? Erin said, ?Tony was my best friend until we switched. I talked to him this week. Clara is convinced that we had some sort of attraction. But we were just close friends at one time.? Clara said, ?Right, Erin.? Then Clara said, ?We went to see a gender therapist this week who is also a researcher in the phenomenon of mind swaps. After the conversation, she saw no reason to believe you two had not had a mind swap. Erin?s story is consistent with other verified mind swap stories. But one thing she did say is that whatever entities control mind swaps don?t do stupid things. They only do mind swaps when it makes things much better for the people involved. And she has never heard of a mind swap being reversed.? Brian, ?That?s fine with me. I am what I should have been all along. I have no desire to go back, even though I am in prison and you are free. I will get out and make a go of it.? Jenny, ?So, Brian, how do you want to be sure that when you get out you can make a go of it. Just wanting to make a go of it is progress. But you need to know what making a go of it means. To start with, what kind of career do you want? That is a big part of life and makes everything else possible. Another big question is what do you want to do about marriage and family? Do you have any thoughts?? Brian, ?Honestly, in the past I have been so absorbed in unhappiness about my gender, I have never thought about work or family. So, I don?t know. I?ve always hated math, or I would try to be an engineer like you Erin and use that degree. But I do like art. I like to draw and paint. And I like to work with my hands. Maybe I could learn to use a computer and be a graphic artist? Erin, ?How about programming and web design. That doesn?t require math. In a way, constructing a program to help a person do something or display something is more of an art than a science. And there are jobs there. It might be worth your while to see if you like that.? Brian, ?Maybe.? Jenny, ?But all of these things require education and practice. So, you have to plan what you want to do to get from here to there and do as much as you can while you are still in prison. Having heard what you like to do we could research what training is required and help you figure out what you can do while you are incarcerated and try to get you the materials and background information you need. What do you think? Are you interested in pursuing it?? Brian, ?Yeah, I guess so. I mean, I would like to have some sort of training, so I can get a job when I get out. And I don?t have that much to do here.? Jenny, ?OK, so we will take what you told us you like to do and then talk to a job councilor and figure out exactly what kind of jobs we are talking about and what you would need to do to qualify. Then the next time we come back, we will talk about that. Is that OK, Brian?? Brian, ?Ok. It?s a deal. In the meantime, if you run across any more books like the Heinlein books, I would enjoy them.? At this point they were told that their hour was up. So, they said their goodbyes. As they walked down the corridor to the guards? station to sign out, they were all thoughtful about what they had learned about the former Erin and hardly noticed the usual catcalls and propositions. By this time, they were ready for some lunch. Erin said she would like to stop in a mall in a town 10 miles down the road. With no other ideas, Jenny and Clara readily agreed. When they finally found the restaurant Erin was thinking of, it was well past the usual lunch time and well before dinner time, so they had a large area to themselves. Erin first went to the bathroom and changed Mary and then came back to the booth and subtly lifted her blouse and bra for Mary to nurse. After ordering, Erin said, ?It?s so strange how differently I and the old Erin experienced Mom McLoughlin. She?s been nothing but good and loving to me. But the old Erin thought of her as a rigid, controlling, heartless monster. Makes me wonder if I have things that I could not accept that might come between me and Mary someday. I hope not. I don?t think so. Jenny, what if Brian had been transgendered and had come to you when was growing up and said he wanted to be a girl? Could you have been supportive?? Clara laughed and said, ?Erin, you are a girl and Mom is supportive. Duh?? Erin laughed a little too. Then she said, ?No. It?s different. Jenny could be looking at me right now and thinking ?It?s a tragedy that my son was transformed to a woman without wanting to, but he?s making the best of it and I will be supportive.? But if I had come to her while I was still Brian, I would have been purposely rejecting my gender. I would have been disappointing my father. I would have been exposing myself and the family to ridicule and derision. And I would have been going against my family?s church?s teachings. All to make a change to satisfy some need that only I experienced and that no one else in the family would understand. Mom McLoughlin apparently could not accept Erin doing that. Or at least such nonacceptance was the old Erin?s perception. Who knows whether they communicated clearly. But, I tend to think that Jenny could have dealt with it. But I am just asking what she thinks.? Jenny, ?I hope I would have been able to communicate with my child well enough to know that he was terribly unhappy and needed help and been wise enough to search out the best kind of help, which for most transgender children would be support in transition. But what if I had never realized how unhappy my child was, and considered it just a phase? That could have led to a tragedy. Many transgender children commit suicide they become so unhappy.? Erin just shook her head and vowed to do everything she could to understand Mary?s feelings as she grew up. Clara, ?So, is that what you are Erin? A boy who was transformed to a woman without wanting to be, who is now making the best of it.? Erin, ?That is what I was the first time I talked to you about this, Clara. But now, I don?t think so. I find myself acting and feeling more femininely all the time and I am comfortable in the roles I fulfil, mother, sister, daughter, friend to LaTesha and Debbie and other girls. I do miss engineering. But on balance, I am happy as I am. I still don?t know what kind of long-term relationship I will want, but I am confident I will figure it out.? Then their lunch came, and they changed to lighter conversation while they ate. Erin delayed a few minutes while Mary finished. Mary was tired then and soon nodded off, which made eating awkward. So, Erin contented herself with eating half a turkey BLT sandwich and sipping coffee. Then Erin asked Jenny, ?Mom, can you hold Mary while I find a card shop and a flower shop to buy some things for Mother?s Day?? With Mom holding Mary, Erin took off on a dead run to find a card shop and bought two cute cards, one a tongue in cheek card about a quirky child saying to her mother, thanks for enduring my craziness and one a more conventional ?Thank You Mom for All You Do.? She stopped and signed the former, ?Dear Mom Sanders, Thanks for All You?ve Done, I Love you. Erin and Mary,? and sealed the card in the envelope. Then she ran down to the end the Mall to a garden shop and bought each mother their favorite flowers. Finally, she stopped at a mall stall where they were selling shear shawls that were very attractive and bought one for each mother. OK, done in 40 minutes. Erin loved to shop for gifts, but just hadn?t had time, so this was the best she could do. She vowed to do better next Mother?s Day. She was back in the restaurant in 35 minutes, and handed Jenny her card, the flowers Erin thought she would like, and the shawl Erin had bought for her. Jenny said, ?Why thank you honey. You didn?t need to do that.? Erin, ?Mom, I wanted to do that. Thank You for all you do. I like to put much more into gifts, as you know. But it just hasn?t been possible this year.? Jenny, ?Thank you Erin. I appreciate what you do too.? Then the two women hugged. Erin turned around, and Clara was there and said she loved mom too. Then she turned to Erin and said, ?I love you too, Sis.? Erin started to have her normal reaction to the word sis, but somehow now it didn?t feel odd and inappropriate at all. Erin found time on the ride home to write a message to Mom McLoughlin on her card and sealed it. When she got in the door, she found her mom working on dinner, and gave her the card and her presents. She hugged her and said ?Thanks for all you do Mom. I love you.? Mom was obviously touched, and said thank you, and actually cried. She said, ?Oh Erin, I?m happy to do things for you. You are such a sweet girl now.? Erin was happy Mom was happy, but sad at the thought of the previous Erin and mom making each other unhappy for so many years.? One thing that Erin had found out from the state video during the trip to Nola Girls Detention Center the previous Thursday was that Idaho held graduation ceremonies for people who passed the GED. They did this in early June at various sites around the state about the same time of year that regular High School Graduations occurred. Mom had been enthusiastic about Erin going through this ceremony, so Erin had promised to finish the last GED before the deadline, May 20, which was the next week. Monday, Erin called the GED people and scheduled herself for the Science test Thursday, May 18. The rest of the week, whenever she had a half hour free during the day she studied or took practice tests on the web. In the evening, she studied her notes and some printed material she had copied. She took her first practice test Monday, and the questions she missed directed her study for Monday night and Tuesday. On Tuesday and Wednesday night, Mom took Erin to the community center to use the WIFI, so she could work online. On Wednesday, Erin took another practice test and scored 96%. Again, she used the questions she missed to direct that evening?s and Thursday?s study. Thursday night Mom took her to the testing center. The same proctor she had before got her, and 9 other students set up on computers. That was all the computers they had. She asked him why it was so busy, and he smiled and said everyone was trying to finish the test in time to go through graduation this year. It had been like this all month. Tomorrow and Saturday was the last chance, and they were already full up for the two daytime sessions each day and the evening session Friday. Erin asked how she had been able to get a spot only 5 days in advance. He said they had had a last minute- cancellation and she had been lucky to call right afterword. Wow. One of the other test takers, Aaron Caruthers, was very young. In talking to him, Erin found out he was in 9th grade. He was a genius intellect and had qualified for an Ivy League college with a full scholarship in a national science competition, as soon as he could get high school credentials. So, he had spent the last 3 months working on the GED, and this was his last test. The subject would be math and he was very confident he would do well. They started the test at 7 and Erin raced through it, only having to think hard about three or four questions in biology. She did have to work out some problems in Chemistry and Physics, but they were fairly straightforward, and in each case, she came up with an answer that was one of the multiple choices, so she was confident she had done the problem correctly. She was done at 8 PM. As she started going through the questions again, Aaron, the young genius, got up and signaled the proctor he was done. Erin spent another 20 minutes checking her work and changed one answer. Then she too signaled the proctor she was done. She left the testing area and went out to the reception area to wait. There she spent some time playing with Mary and talking to her mother. As usual, her mother asked if she didn?t think she should have used all the time. Erin said she had gone over her work once and doing it again wouldn?t be useful, she might just as easily change right answers as wrong ones. The young guy who had finished earliest then joined into the conversation. He told her he had gotten over 95% correct in every test so far. (Like all young guys he wanted to talk about how good he was.) In response, she said she had done well in her previous tests, although not so well when she had to write essays. Aaron asked Erin why she hadn?t graduated from high school and she gave him her usual answer about getting involved in pills and getting pregnant. He said he was surprised she was doing so well on the tests. In his experience girls involved in drugs or sex usually struggled with school. Erin just smiled. Finally, the two hours were up, and the proctor came out and gave everyone their results except for essay tests. Then he said to the room at large that there were two perfect scores that night, which he had never seen before. Erin knew she had a perfect score on the science test, and the young man had made it no secret to everyone else that he had a perfect score on math. The young man asked Erin how she had done, and she said she had done very well. He asked what that meant. She was tempted to tell him none of his business. But she didn?t want to be rude, so she said she was the other 100% correct. He seemed to accept his own perfection easily, he appeared to be surprised at Erin?s score. He congratulated her and wished her luck, and she did the same for him. Then she turned to her mom, and said ?Mom, without your support I could not have done this. Thank You so much.? Her mother was equally delighted and started planning how to announce it to the family and how she could get all of them to the graduation ceremony. She talked about her own sisters and brothers and dad?s sisters and brothers, people who Erin had no clue even existed. Erin braced herself for meeting new family members. She told Mom that she had a few friends she would like to invite too. Mom said, ?Well, I wonder how many invitations they have for each person in the ceremony. I would suspect plenty. The College auditorium must be huge. Without thinking, Erin said it had 2000 seats, which she knew from when she was Brian. Mom said, ?How did you know that? No, don?t tell me. Just something you picked up somewhere. What a memory you must have. Anyway, with about 100 people in the ceremony and 2000 seats, that is 20 seats per person. But I am sure some people won?t have 20 people, so we can buy some extra. That will work. But maybe we should have a house party afterward. We did that for Fran and Dan too. That would be fun. Who do you want to invite? Erin, ?Clara and her parents, LaTesha and her parents, Ginni from work and her boyfriend, and the Silvers.? Mom said, ?Sure, why not. I hope everyone can come.? When they got home, Dad was home, and her mother called him into the kitchen. ?Bart,? she said, ?Come in here. Your daughter passed the last GED test with a perfect score tonight.? He came into the kitchen and smiled and said, ?Well, Congratulations, Honey, Good Job. I?m proud of you.? Then he hugged her and Mary. That?s when she cried and said ?Thank You Daddy. And thank you for all the support. I couldn?t have done it without you. Then Mom came close and hugged her too.? Aside from gratitude to her parents, Erin?s main emotion was relief. She finally had high school credentials in hand as Erin, which would improve her job prospects when she had to support herself and her children. And she could relax from studying for a while, although she didn?t rule out other training in the future to further improve her job prospects. But Erin?s hopes for a letdown in commitments proved wrong. Debbie was also finishing school and asked Erin to stay late for the rest of the term, so Debbie could study and participate in end of year activities. Debbie?s sister was also near the end of the term and could not babysit in the evenings, and Debbie?s mom apparently had other important things to do in the evenings. Erin was concerned that mother and daughter would never again have a loving, supportive relationship. It seemed every time Debbie and her mom started to work things out, all the progress they made would just disappear in a day or two and they would be back where they started. And the tension between the two of them carried over to Erin. Even though Erin had been responsible in caring for Jeremy and always showed up and left the house clean, Mrs. Silver always seemed to be angry with her. Erin suspected that the Pastor was exerting his malignant influence somehow. She knew Debbie?s mom went to the church almost every day, so the pastor certainly had the opportunity. If this was true, he was even more evil than Erin had thought. But, Erin realized how important the end of year activities were to a high school senior, and could not deny them to her friend, so she said yes to Debbie?s request. Between babysitting 10 to 14 hours a day, and helping mom get out invitations for the GED graduation ceremony, which was set for June 3 at the college, she continued to be very busy for the rest of May. Erin also had two doctor?s visits since she was now visiting the OB/GYN every month, and Mary?s 3 month visit to the pediatrician came in May. To top it all off, she wound up giving the valedictorian speech at the graduation ceremony. Midway through the week, she got a panicky call from Aaron Caruthers, who actually had the highest combined score on the GED tests for those who were graduating this year. Erin had second highest. Aaron, it turns out, was incredibly shy when it came to the idea of public speaking. He absolutely would not give the valedictorians? speech. He begged her to do it. Pressed, Erin said she would. So, she had to prepare and practice that. Additionally, she owed LaTesha and Brian a visit the last weekend in May. Erin asked Debbie what she would have less impact on her in terms of Doctor?s visits, two on the same day which would make her unavailable at least half the day, or two in the late afternoon, which would impact two days, but not as much. Debbie asked her to schedule for Tuesday or Thursday, all in one afternoon if possible. Erin arranged visits with each doctor the next Tuesday. Sarah was able to get off from college a little early that day, and Erin?s mom picked her up at 1 PM. Erin went to the pediatrician first. The doctor did a thorough examination, and said Mary was doing well. He then said she is very active and alert and responds well to adults. She said she should start turning over and trying to crawl soon, so beware leaving her alone on a bed. Babies typically should start trying to walk soon after crawling, but that might be delayed somewhat because Mary was so tall. Like all mothers, Erin was proud of her child and told the Doctor that Mary was not shy and really enjoyed groups, where she loved to participate to the extent she could. Erin?s visit to the OB/GYN was also good. The Doctor?s checked the fetus?s vital signs and Erin?s and pronounced everyone healthy and on track. But the Doctor was still concerned that Erin wasn?t gaining enough weight. Erin said, ?But I?ve gained 5 lbs. since last visit. And I?ve been eating very healthy.? The Doctor said ?Nevertheless, you?re still very underweight given your height, build, and stage of pregnancy. I know you have trouble eating, but I encourage you to do all you can to get more nutrition in. I would recommend fatty foods, real cheese, mayonnaise, peanut butter, and cream in your coffee, if your stomach can tolerate it. If you start feeling bad, back off so you don?t trigger a flair-up in your Colitis. But otherwise you need to eat.? Erin who thought she was eating like a pig now and was frequently almost nauseous after meals, agreed to do as well as she could. Then the Doctor said ?According to my records the pregnancy began in mid- November. That means you should deliver in late July, two months from now. But twins can often be delivered prematurely. So, you should anticipate delivering in mid-July.? Erin said, ?Couldn?t happen soon enough for me, Doctor.? But in fact, she hoped it wouldn?t be earlier than mid-July. She knew it was best for babies to be delivered close to full-term. And much earlier than mid-July might affect her being at Clara?s wedding. After that, Erin had an entire afternoon and evening to herself. She helped mom with dinner and played a while with Mary, noting that she was trying to roll and move by herself. That was exciting, and she got her mom to come and look and they spent a pleasant hour talking and playing with Mary. After dinner, Erin called Clara. Clara said ?Hi, I?ve been meaning to call you. What?s up?? Erin, ?Well, did I tell you I passed the last GED test. In fact, they have a graduation ceremony and you and Mom and Dad will be getting an invitation. June 3, 7 PM, at the college auditorium.? Clara said, ?Cool. We will be there bar some emergency.? Erin, ?Good, I will be giving the Valedictorian Remarks. I am only the runner up for total score, but the boy with the highest combined grade on the tests doesn?t want to give the Remarks. So, they are stuck with me.? Clara, ?Great, wouldn?t miss that for the world. What else is new?? Erin, ?Well, today I went to the pediatrician and Mary is doing great. After that, I went to the OB/GYN and she said I am doing OK, but I need to get fatter. And I am due in 1? to 2 months. Clara, I am worried about being immobile at your wedding and messing things up. I could be just ? month from delivery at that time.? Clara, ?It doesn?t matter to me whether you deliver the next day Erin, I hope you can be there. I don?t care how pregnant you look. But if you feel you can?t do it, don?t. I don?t want to risk your or the babies? health. I trust you to make the decision, Sis.? Erin, ?Thanks. I?ll be there if I can.? Then Erin said, ?What do you think we should do in preparation for our visit with Brian Saturday. I will struggle to do too much because Debbie has asked me to babysit in the evening sometimes, because she has so many end-of-term events to get to. So, I can?t do much in the evenings.? Clara, ?Why don?t you leave preparations for this visit to me and mom, Erin? We will try to get some books suitable for young adult boys that are similar to Heinlein, without being Heinlein. And remember, we need to talk to a job councilor and put together some options for careers for Brian, along with recommended training.? Erin, ?OK, I won?t argue. But I will get some food to give him. Mom had told me what he likes. Other than that, I will only have to prepare for LaTesha. I?ll call her and ask if she needs anything additional for her GED study.? After that, they talked about this and that for another few minutes, and then said goodbye. Then Erin called the prison and managed to get through to LaTesha. She greeted her, ?Hi, LaTesha. How is everything going. Given the circumstances, are you all right?? LaTesha, ?Hi Erin, I?m doing OK. Studying on the GED. It feels good to have a goal. How about you?? Erin, ?I have good news. I passed the last GED Test. I have my high school credentials now and nobody can take them away.? LaTesha. ?That?s great news, Erin. I?m so happy for you.? Erin, ?It turns out they have a graduation ceremony. Mom wanted me to do it, so I will. We will be inviting your parents, and you. Although I know you are stuck there. It?s just that I wish you were not. But next year, I have blanked out the weekend of the GED graduation ceremony to attend yours.? LaTesha sort of cried and said ?Thank You Erin. I?ll be sure to invite you.? Erin, ?You better. Or else I will have to crash it.? Erin, ?By the way, have you heard anything about your release date?? LaTesha, ?No, they don?t do the final computation until the month before. I guess if it is bad news, you don?t have time to complain too much.? Erin, ?I will be coming down to Nola this weekend. I would love to visit, if I won?t be interfering with your parent?s visit. I will have Jenny and Clara with me.? LaTesha, ?No, my parents will be down next weekend. I would love to see you. By the way, there are all kinds of rumors about you and that Brian guy flying around here, that you are secretly married, that he is the father of the child you are carrying, that Clara and Jenny are his sisters, that they cover for you while he diddles you right there in the visitors? room.? Erin laughed, ?Like that could happen? So, here?s the true story. Brian is the father of my unborn children (I am carrying twins), but we are not married. He slipped me a GHB and raped me and I woke up pregnant. I do not want that known, because I don?t want him prosecuted. He is not a violent or evil man, just messed up. In fact, I would appreciate it if you didn?t tell anyone this. And Clara is Brian?s sister, but Jenny is his mother. And, no, nothing goes on the visiting room except talking. Jenny and Clara are trying to get Brian straightened out. Is he the source of these rumors? LaTesha, ?No, jailhouse rumors are usually BS, only a story to tell to pass the time. And Jenny looks amazing for the mother of an adult son.? Then Erin said, ?I wanted to ask if you needed anything else for your GED studies, or anything else at all.? LaTesha, ?Could you bring me some greeting cards. I found out I didn?t have a card to send Mom on Mother?s Day. I sent a long letter instead. But it would be nice to have some cards to send out to mark special days.? Erin, ?I could do that. I can look for a year?s supply of individual holiday cards or I could get some general-purpose cards that you could personalize.? LaTesha, ?The general-purpose sounds great. Thanks.? Erin, ?Anything else?? LaTesha, ?Not for now. Can you call me Thursday and ask again? There?s something I might need, but don?t know yet.? Erin, ?Will do. It might be a little late in the day. I am working extra- long hours, because Debbie wants to spend extra time at school during her last month there.? LaTesha laughed, ?I hope that girl appreciates you. We can get calls as late as 9. Thanks, Erin.? The next night, Erin asked her mom for a ride to the store and got some more food for Brian and found a pack of general purpose greeting cards in several different designs for LaTesha. Now she was ready for Saturday. Thursday night, Erin called LaTesha again. They chatted for a while, and then Erin asked if LaTesha wanted her to bring anything else on Saturday. LaTesha said some of the girls were totally intimidated by the math and science and had asked if Erin could find some tutorials that were more basic than the GED study materials that they could use to get started. LaTesha hadn?t said anything on Tuesday because the request was not specific. But they had clarified it a little. So, she said she wondered if Erin would look at what was available and maybe bring down some information that LaTesha could show to the girls that were having trouble and see what they thought. Erin agreed to this. She thought she could get off work at 6 or 7 on Friday and go right to the library and see what she could find. LaTesha said she appreciated it. Then she asked if Erin would mind if the other girls were there too. LaTesha thought she could arrange a group visit and Erin could show them and talk to them and maybe work something out. Erin said ?Sure, LaTesha, whatever you can arrange is fine.? The next day at Debbie?s, Erin spent all her free time, only about an hour, online, looking first at the study modules for the GED seeing if they recommended some tutorials for people who needed help with pre- high school math and science. They did. So, Erin looked for them and found most on amazon kindle, some of them fairly inexpensive. She used the ?Look Inside? feature to see what each tutorial looked like. Then she had to use a screen capture application to print. It was slow and clumsy, but it allowed her to print examples to show the girls at the detention center what was in the documents. Two of the documents were fairly short and Erin decided to try to copy the entire book versions at the library. That night, after Erin got home and took care of Mary and had a little dinner, Mom took her to the library. Erin did a little more online research and found a couple more possible pre-high school math and science tutorials and made partial copies from amazon. Then she looked for the book versions of the two tutorials that were short, found one, and went to the copy machine and copied as much as she could before the library closed. Saturday morning, Jenny and Clara were there at 7:30 and picked up Erin and Mary. They had breakfast on the way and talked. Jenny mentioned that she had gotten her Mother?s Day card from Brian. It was very nice. But she couldn?t display it in their home because officially Brian was missing. So, she had bought a mounting board and pinned the cards from her ?3? kids and from Dad on it and she brought it out when they were alone. Jenny had taken the card when she and Clara had talked to a job councilor and shown it to her. The councilor knew something about art and said the artist was very talented but lacked training. And even talented, well-trained artists struggled to make a living. So, if that was what Brian was interested in he should be aware that it was a tough go. But she had other suggestions. Commercial Artist and Technical Illustration would be possibilities given that on paper he had an engineering degree. Or given his talent he might have what it takes to go into design. That would require more training. Mom Sander?s comments about her ?3? kids concerned Erin somewhat. She said, ?But Mom, that Brian does not have an engineering degree. So, Technical Illustration is not an option. And the current Brian has shown evidence of being manipulative in the past. You should not commit your feelings until you are sure Brian is sincere in trying to change and improve himself.? Jenny said, ?I know, but I am really struggling with it. The physical persona of Brian to me is my son and I will always support and love him.? Erin said, ?That?s fine Mom, but you do him a disservice if you don?t do everything you can to motivate him to acquire discipline and self-control. Right now, he has no prospects except a life spent mostly in jail. To change that will require commitment from him, not from you.? Jenny, ?But in order to develop the self-confidence required to move forward, he will need support and belief from his friends. And right now, that means us three. Oh, Erin, I don?t know the right balance between love and support and tough-love he needs. But I think he requires some of each. I know you are having a hard time providing the love part, because of your experiences with him. And I know you are concerned about me. I love you for that. But I think he needs my love and support now, and maybe my direction later. Maybe you are better suited to provide direction, since he seems to trust you. Erin, ?Did the job councilor have any other suggestions?? Jenny, ?She did talk about on-line graphics or web design. It would require a lot of computer training. I have a list of what training is required for each job field she suggested.? Then Erin told them about LaTesha?s request. Clara said, ?I?m not surprised. Even though you consider the GED fairly easy, if you never got the basics before high school, mastering the material and passing the courses with self-study would be very difficult. The GED self- study material is most useful for those who could have done well in high school but for some reason didn?t. Like LaTesha. The GED process as a whole also works for those who didn?t get the basics but are able to throw money at the problem and take a GED Study Course. I imagine many of the girls in detention didn?t get the basics. But that gives me an idea. Maybe you should talk to the schools that offer GED courses and see if they would be willing to donate time to give their courses in the girls? detention center. Or maybe they would give the courses at a reduced fee that the state or prison would be willing to pay. Or they might give you the materials they use in teaching and see if you can find a staff member or volunteer to give the courses.? Erin had always admired Clara?s ability to quickly come up with creative solutions to a seemingly intractable problem and said, ?Wow, great ideas Sis. I?ll look into them.? Their appointment to see LaTesha and several other Girls at the Nola Detention Center was at 10 AM. As usual they didn?t get access to the visiting center until 10:30. Erin started out by hugging LaTesha, who returned the hug and thanked Erin for being willing to look into the problems some of the other girls were having. Then she introduced three other girls. Erin smiled and was about to shake hands with one of the girls, but the girl hugged her too. Erin returned the hug and then the other two repeated the process. Erin could feel that the girls were aware of how a lack of a high school degree limited their future and were hoping the Erin could help them get a GED and change that. Then she introduced Clara and Jenny to the three girls. One of them remarked that she knew and liked Clara as a social worker. They were somewhat in awe of Jenny since at almost 50, she still looked so young and agile. Erin started with an aside to LaTesha, ?LaTesha, I have turned your cards into the guard. They should be available later.? LaTesha, ?Thanks, Erin.? Then Erin asked the three girls who were struggling with even getting started on the GED study materials what they were experiencing. ?I can?t understand the Math and Science GED study materials.? One said. Another girl agreed. And the third said ?I can?t understand any of the materials.? It turns out that the pre-high school Math tutorial was LaTesha?s idea. Then Erin said she had found some tutorials for pre-high school material. Should they go over them to see if they would help? The girls said sure. So, Erin presented some of the material, but quickly found that the problem was more basic than math. These girls could not read. Not that they were totally illiterate, they could sound out street signs and printed material, but they could not comprehend complex ideas expressed in writing. How could that be in this day and age? Talking to them, Erin found that none of their families valued education. One girl?s mother kept her home from school to take care of younger siblings. The other two came from chaotic environments where they could not study, or practice reading and were not encouraged to attend school. None of them had had a computer in their home. One did not even have a television. Erin did not have a clue how she could help. Yet she knew that if they didn?t get help, these kids were likely to either work a dead-end job and be poor and dependent the rest of their lives or return to criminal activity. Right now, they were hopeful and willing to give it a go. Now was the time to throw them a lifeline. But how? Fortunately, Erin had a sister who was a social worker and thoroughly understood the problem. Clara had to be honest with the three marginally literate girls. She said, ?Unfortunately, you three were shortchanged early in life. You never learned to read well. In this society that makes life very difficult. Almost every job or work skill to some extent depends on reading. There are programs to improve your reading. But they a lot of time to make an impact. However, you should do them if you have any time at all. I can get study material for you. There also may be something we can do to help you with the GED. A federal appellate judge in California has ruled that people who have never learned to read due to social issues are entitled to the same help in education that people with dyslexia get, i.e., they are entitled to a reader during school. So, we should be able to get you help while studying for the GED and taking the GED. However, there are two downsides to this. First, the state will not willingly spend money that is not budgeted. So, we can expect resistance. You would have to prove that circumstances beyond your control prevented you from learning to read while you were growing up. And you might need to sue, although I think you would win based on the previous decision. I know a lawyer who would love to do the case pro bono, that means as a volunteer, free to you. But it might take a while for the case to get to trial. During that time, you would have to put the GED would be on hold. The second downside is that because this entitlement comes under the ADA, you might wind up stigmatized as disabled. So, let?s talk about where to go from here.? Erin was more than happy to allow her sister to take the lead on this issue. Erin didn?t have the background and she knew in the next two months she would become less and less able to put a lot of energy into anything other than maternity. Erin was troubled by some things about the idea. She felt that getting all students a high school education was an important need and, furthermore, an investment worth making. After all, if these girls could get a high school equivalent education, they would be unlikely to have to be supported by welfare in the future. However, Erin was well aware that government budgeting at the state level was generally a zero-sum game and that money spent in one area would result in other important things not being done. Furthermore, Erin was inherently skeptical that political decisions would result in wise investments. As Brian, she had seen too many situations where pressure groups had swung decisions their way to the detriment of citizens as a whole. So, the question was whether the need was important enough to take the risk that other more important things would not be done. Erin decided it was and was happy to just provide what support she could. After talking to the girls, Clara promised to visit the lawyer who might be interested in representing them and said she would be back in two weeks to talk again. Erin said her goodbyes to LaTesha and they left. They had over an hour to kill before talking to Brian and decided to go to a local coffee shop and have a cup of coffee and talk. Erin, ?Well, it looks like we have another big project starting at Nola, GED help for functionally illiterate residents of the girls? detention center.? Clara, ?Yeah. But talking to those girls who wanted to turn their lives around and become contributing members of society, how could we not help.? Erin, ?I agree, although I have some concerns that this not get out of hand, like so many government programs. As long as it focuses on giving young people who want it a second chance at high school, I support it. If it starts becoming a right regardless of effort or behavior, I would become concerned.? Jenny had heard this discussion between the two of them since they were 12. Clara wanted to see government focus on helping people. Brian wanted to ensure that programs actually were helping people and specifically people who were trying to better themselves. Then Jenny realized that she was in some sense equating the old Brian with the new Erin. Well why not, she was convinced now that they were the same people. When they arrived at the Nola mens? visiting center, the first thing that Brian wanted to do was visit with Mary, even though he couldn?t touch her by the rules. What was that all about? Most of the time he could care less. Then he spent some time asking Erin how she was doing. At some of her comments about the changes in her body from pregnancy, he would slip into sort of a sisterly role, and tell her he had or had not experienced the same symptoms when he was carrying Mary. So finally, she asked, ?Brian, are you regretting not any longer being a woman?? Brian, ?No, not really. But I guess I have been thinking about it. I know I was a miserable mother, because I didn?t want to be one. And I?m still glad not to have to continue being one. But I do feel some kinship with Mary and some kinship with you, Erin, because I used to be you. What I?m saying is that I do care about you and about Mary, although what has happened to us is a blessing to Mary, and I think to you.? Erin, ?The switch can be good for you too Brian. And I mean in a positive way, opening up a way forward to a happier life. We will help, but you will have to do the work.? Brian, ?I know. I?m ready.? Clara jumped in, ?OK, then. Let?s start talking about that.? Then Jenny said, ?Brian, we found out quite a bit about the careers you seem interested in.? Then she and Clara went through the careers he has shown some interest in and discussed what he needed to do to get into those careers. Jenny noted that almost all the careers required computer skills. She asked Brian whether there was any opportunity to learn to use computers at Nola. He said he thought there might be a few courses. She encouraged him to try to sign up if he could. Then she asked him if he had investigated whether there was any art of drawing courses, and said that if not, there were correspondence courses. She offered to pay for them if he wanted to take them. He said he would like to start with a simple drawing course. He had asked his advisor and found there were no opportunities at Nola. Erin watched Brian while Jenny was talking. She knew him well enough to know that if he was just agreeing to avoid conflict, he would be disengaged, and his affect would not match his words. Here he was fully engaged in the conversation and his affect appeared guardedly enthusiastic, just as his words did. That was a good sign. Jenny and Brian formulated a plan that involved Brian starting by taking a college drawing course by correspondence. Then, Jenny pulled out some college course application forms for Brian to fill out and sign. Not being familiar with her, he was surprised that she was prepared and pressed him to get going now. No reason to wait. He did as she requested, having to pause several times to ask about personal information for ?Brian.? Then she got out requests for transcripts for high school and college and had him fill those out also. She said she would send in the requests for transcripts and the application when she got home. Erin asked if he needed recommendation forms from high school teachers. Jenny said ?No, this isn?t a degree granting program or anything. They might need recommendations later. If so, we will have to decide what to do about them then.? After that was done, they still had a few minutes to talk. Clara said, ?Now you need to meet your family, Brian.? So, they started by Jenny talking about herself, and about Brian when younger, Clara talking about Clara and about Brian when he was younger, and Erin talking about Brian. Then she showed a picture of Brian?s father and talked about him. When they were done, Brian was intimidated and said, ?He will never like me. At heart I?m still a high school dropout, and he is a college professor.? Clara said, ?Yes he is, but he is a very nice college professor and will like you if you are good to the people around you and to us.? Then Clara got out pictures of other relatives, just introducing them and what they were like. As they spoke, Brian realized this was an opportunity to be accepted into another family and became determined to do what was necessary to do that. They were just about finished talking about family when their hour was up. They said their goodbyes, and Brian said to the three ladies, ?I know what you have done took a lot of time and effort and courage and I promise you will not regret it.? Then he gave them a drawing of the three of them and of Mary. It was very well done. Mom got tears in her eyes, and said Thank You, Brian. Things will be OK. Just keep plugging along. Next time Clara and I will bring you some books and lessons for your course. And Erin will bring another book to read and some more food. We will try for two weeks from now.? Then the four of them walked down the corridor to the normal of catcalls and propositions to the exit and signed out. As they were walking to the car, Erin asked, ?Do you two really think it was wise to give Brian so much information about the family? It will make it easy for him to take advantage.? Jenny said, ?Yes, Erin, we know. Clara and I talked about this at length. But if we are to salvage Brian, he needs to have human connections. He can?t have a connection with his own family, at least for now. So, he needs to feel connected with us. We decided the risk was worth it. I?m sorry, we should have talked to you too.? Erin, ?No, I trust you two. But I guess my experiences leads me to be cautious where Brian is concerned.? On the way home, they stopped for lunch the same place as last visit. Erin changed Mary in the car in the parking lot while Clara and Jenny went in and when she got into the restaurant subtly pulled her blouse and bra up and nursed Mary while they waited for their order. While waiting for their lunch they talked about what they needed to do for the two ?projects? they now had going on at Nola. Erin said, ?You know, two weeks from now will be one week before your Wedding Clara. Are you going to have time to work on Brian?s stuff and the stuff for the girls who can?t read? And mom, you will also be busy preparing for the wedding. How is this going to work?? Jenny, ?Obviously, we will have to make most of the arrangements and get together what we need this week, so we won?t be doing it at the last minute.? Erin, can you get books and food for Brian together? I will put in his application for that correspondence course and collect the materials he needs. Some of that may bleed into late next week, but if I do as much as I can, I will have most of it done next week. For the girls who need help, Clara is the main resource. She needs to talk to her lawyer friend and see if he or she will come out to Nola with us next week. But there is no reason that can?t be done this week. Erin, will you arrange the visits in two weeks?? Erin, ?Sure. I will do what I can. I will try to call LaTesha later this week and see how things are going there and if she needs anything else, and if she does, I will take care of it if I can. I will tell you what happens. If you have any questions or information to share with the girls, call me as soon as possible.? Before they left the mall, they went to a copy center and made good copies of the picture Brian had drawn of the three of them and Mary. Erin was still amazed at how good a picture it was. In her mind it was suitable for framing, so she decided to buy a frame and borders that fit it. Seeing what she was up to, Jenny bought two more frames of the same type, one for her and one for Clara. On the way home, Clara and Erin put one of the copies of the picture into each frame. Jenny dropped Erin and Mary off at home at about 5:30. Erin got out awkwardly and reached into the back to grab the diaper bag and her purse and her picture. Seeing this, Clara got out and went in with her carrying the bag and picture, despite protestation from Erin that she could get it. Clara, ?Oh Erin, I know you can, but you don?t need to be a hero. You are carrying two babies in your belly, so let me help you, Sis.? They climbed the steps, went into the kitchen and saw Mom McLoughlin working on dinner. Clara said ?Hi Mrs. McLoughlin. How are you?? Mom said, ?Fine. How did your visit to Nola go? How?s LaTesha? How?s that guy, Brian?? Erin, ?Went great. LaTesha had some friends there who are struggling with the GED. Turns out they can?t read. It was lucky Clara and Jenny were there, they thought of a way they might help the girls who can?t read do the GED anyway. So, we will see them again in two weeks. And that guy, Brian, seems to be trying to put his life together, so all was good. How was your day?? Mom, ?Fine. Got the house cleaning done and went to the store. Erin said, ?Sorry I haven?t been able to do much around the house Mom. I?ll be able to help more after Debbie is done with school.? Mom, ?I wasn?t trying to guilt you, Erin. You do a lot. I know that.? Then she saw the picture Clara was carrying and said, ?Oh, Erin, are you drawing again. That is really good.? Erin felt guilty getting credit for someone else?s work but could not think of any way to avoid it. Apparently, Erin had liked to draw when younger, but for some reason had given it up. She said, ?Oh it?s just a fun drawing.? Mom said, ?I always thought you were so talented. Why did you stop drawing?? Erin answered truthfully, ?I don?t know, Mom.? Mom turned to Clara and said, ?Clara, is this your mother? She?s very pretty. You two look a lot alike.? Clara also realized what was going on, so she said ?Yes, she is.? without embellishment. Mom, ?Erin, could you draw me and Dad and Dan and you and Fran some time? It would be special to me.? Erin, ?Sure. Could I get a picture of you four? I will work from that and from a selfie.? Mom, ?Sure, we have one from Christmas that you can use. But Dan asked us to go to a barbeque next Saturday, so we can take pictures of all five of us for you to work from. But why don?t you draw it live when we are? That would be fun.? Erin, ?Mom, it takes me a while to do these drawings. I can?t do it live.? Mom, ?You used to do them quickly.? Erin, ?Yes, but I do more detail now and I?m more careful. Besides I will want to visit with people, not just sit by myself and draw.? Mom, ?You used to like that, Erin. But, I guess you have changed.? Then Erin thought of something else and said, ?Mom, we have the graduation next Saturday.? Mom, ?Yes, the Barbeque is for lunch. Then we will all go to the graduation together. Aunt Lucy and her husband will be with us too, with her husband and her son and daughter-in-law. And maybe Uncle Edgar. It will be fun.? Erin, ?Yes, it does sound like fun, Mom,? although she was worried about meeting a lot of new relatives. Then she walked Clara to the Door. The hugged goodbye, and Clara whispered in her ear, ?Oops,? and said out loud, ?Talk to you later this week Erin, and we will go to Nola again in two weeks.? Erin said, ?Yeah, have a good week, Clara. Enjoyed the ride.? This exchange made Erin feel like a fraud. What would Mom and Dad McLoughlin think if they knew? Would they be angry? Disappointed? Would they still love her? Well, the ability of the old Erin to draw and the evidence that she could still draw combined with the new Erin?s total inability to do the same, could lead to Mom and Dad and other family members figuring out that she was not who they thought she was. Erin would have to talk to Brian about this, if for no other reason than to get him to draw the picture. Erin thought it was ironic. Brian had wanted nothing to do with his old family and wound up with no family support at all. Whereas Erin wanted to renew contact with her old family and wound up with support from two families. Now Brian was getting into contact with Brian?s family and presumably learning the value of family support. Would he now change his mind and want to renew contact with his old family? If so, the Mcloughlin?s would have to be told that Erin is not their daughter. Erin had another problem to figure out, but not tonight. This led to another thought. Erin knew that Brian could not successfully masquerade as the old Brian. He didn?t have the math and science skills that the old Brian had. He didn?t have the golf game. And she suspected he didn?t have the soccer game or the music and dancing skills, although she didn?t know. But Erin had assumed that she could successfully masquerade as the old Erin, as long as she could come up with a semi-convincing explanation as to why she could do things she previously couldn?t do. But now Erin realized that there was something the old Erin could do that the new Erin couldn?t, draw. There could be other things. Erin vowed to be less arrogant in her assumptions about other people. She should expect that everyone had good things that were special about them. Erin checked Mary and changed her diaper and put her down for a brief nap. Mary had not slept all day. She was getting older and less in need of a nap. Erin propped up Brian?s drawing on her dresser. Even though it presented a problem, she was still glad to have it. Then she went downstairs to see if she could help her mother. But Mom had dinner in hand and was reading the paper waiting for Dad to get home. Erin joined her, and they chatted for the next 45 minutes. Erin realized that she really did love spending time with Mom, and Mom seemed to enjoy Erin. Erin hoped that whatever happened in the future they would continue to be Mother and Daughter. The next day, Erin got Mary and herself up early and went to church with Mom and Dad. She enjoyed talking with Debbie while they were consigned to the nursery. She told her about the trip to Nola and the girls who couldn?t do the GED because they couldn?t read and how Clara was going to try to get the state to provide a reading helper, so they could. Erin did not mention Brian, of course, because it would have required explaining herself more than she wanted to. Debbie told Erin about the activities for Seniors at Blakefield High the next two weeks. It sounded like she would need Erin full time until graduation, which was Tuesday, June 6. She said there would be a senior overnight social event this Thursday and asked if Erin could stay overnight that night, since her mom had some sort of thing she was going to, and Sarah was studying for a final the next day and. Erin said ?Sure, I can do that.? Debbie said, ?Dad will pay you extra for it. I?ve already asked.? Erin, ?He already pays me a lot, Debbie. That?s not necessary.? Debbie, ?You are a lifesaver, Erin. I think you are worth everything he pays you and more, and I think Dad does too.? Erin, ?Do you want me to bring Jeremy to your graduation?? Debbie, ?I don?t know. I think Mom would rather I didn?t have him there. Let me ask.? Erin, ?By the way, are you going to make my GED graduation on Saturday? Love to see you.? Debbie, ?Unfortunately, that is the night of the prom and I and Chris will be going. Erin, ?That?s too bad. I will be giving the valedictorian address. I was actually second in grades, but the top guy is terrified of speaking in public.? Debbie, ?Oh God, Erin. That is so great. Congratulations. It?s too bad it falls on the same night as the prom.? Erin would have liked Debbie to be there, but she didn?t begrudge her the opportunity to go to the prom. It would be fun for her. That led Erin to wonder if Erin had gone to the prom. Of course not, she was pregnant and had dropped out of school. Well, Brian hadn?t gone either. He couldn?t get a date with the two of three girls he knew well enough to ask. Somehow, the thought made her sad. The rest of Sunday was very quiet. She put Mary down for a nap when she got home. While Mary was down, Erin wrote out a list of things to do that week. Write her valedictorian address, get some food and a book to read for Brian, call LaTesha. Then she took a break and read a science magazine. Mary was up soon, and Erin decided to take her for a walk to the local park two blocks away in the stroller her parents had bought her. It was a beautiful day. Erin played in the grass with Mary for almost a half hour, and then saw an unoccupied swing seat and took Mary over and sat her in the swing and carefully swang her back and forth. Although she was initially hesitant, Mary was soon enjoying it and screaming in pleasure. Another young mother came and brought her toddler and swang her in the next swing, and the two young mothers spent a while talking. Then Erin put Mary back in the stroller and walked her home, the long way around. It felt good to get some exercise, and Mary sat up and occasionally screeched when she saw something interesting. When Erin got home, she and Mary settled down on the couch and both were soon asleep. At 4, Dad came in from working on the yard and flipped on the Mariners. Erin woke up and sat up, and Dad said, ?Oh, Sorry Erin. Didn?t see you? and turned off the TV. Erin said, ?That?s OK Dad. We should get up anyway, or Mary will never sleep tonight. Please turn it back on? I would like to see how they are doing.? So, Dad turned it on and the two of them chatted while they watched the Mariners and Erin allow Mary to nurse. Then Erin went in to see if she could help Mom with dinner. She put Mary in a walker and peeled veggies. Soon they were ready, waiting for Fran. When Fran came home, she brought her boyfriend, Roger, with her and the five of them talked and had dinner. Roger really was a nice guy. About halfway through dinner Fran said, ?Mom and Dad, we have an announcement. We are getting married. Mom shrieked and gave Fran a hug, then gave her boyfriend a hug.? Dad gave Fran a hug and shook hands with her boyfriend. Mom was crying. Erin hugged Fran and said, ?Hey, Congratulations Sis. I?m happy for you. When is the wedding?? Fran, ?In October is the earliest we can organize things. Erin, do you want to be maid of honor? I would really like it if you did.? Then Erin cried, and said ?Fran, I would love to be your maid of honor.? After dinner, Erin helped mom and Fran clean up while Dad watched Mary and talked to his soon-to-be son-in-law. Later, Erin watched a TV Special on Deep Time and then took Mary upstairs and got herself and Mary ready for bed. The only way to get Mary to sleep was to allow her to sleep in Erin?s bed beside her, which she did. But Erin could not get to sleep. This afternoon had been a wonderful family time and she was content, but her mind raced with questions about things she needed to do, and then drifted to how she was so content as a woman with a baby/toddler and two on the way. She reflected that she agreed with Brian?s comments. The switch had been good for Mary. Finally, Erin fell into a shallow sleep, and had a dream. The same woman who talked to her so many months ago asked her, ?Well, child, now you have many people who care for you and depend on you. Are you happy?? Erin said, ?Yes, I guess so, although something is still missing. I was hoping the person who needed me would be a partner who loved me.? The woman said, ?Yes, well, there are more changes yet to come.? Erin, ?Wait. I remember you. You visited me in a dream before. Before I was switched into a woman?s body. You did the switch didn?t you. You had no right.? The woman said, ?Would you have me switch you back, then?? Erin, ?No, but you might have asked me. And how about the woman who became a man? Didn?t she have a right to say no?? The woman said, ?I couldn?t have done the switch if it wasn?t consistent with who you are and who Brian is. If you and he both want to change back, I would consider it. But neither of you want that. And this change has been positive for many others, Mary, your new family, your new friends. As Erin, you have been able to do a lot of good.? Erin, ?But Brian is in prison. That?s not good for him.? Then the woman said, ?He put himself in prison. But without the change, he would have been dead. It was just a matter of time before Rex got tired of her or she irritated Rex a little too much, and Rex would have killed her, and probably Mary too. You knew that instinctively as you protected yourself against Rex. Instead, Brian has a chance to put his life back together and be happy. Now go to sleep, pretty girl.? Erin went back to sleep. The next morning, Erin got herself and Mary up early and cleaned and changed Mary and nursed her. Then Debbie?s father was there, a little early. He said, ?I need to be in my office early so I came early. I hope you don?t mind. You can eat at our house.? Erin said, ?Mrs. Silver doesn?t like me to eat there.? Mr. Silver said, ?I told her what was going on so there shouldn?t be any problem. How are you doing, Erin. Debbie told me you would be at a GED Graduation next weekend. That?s great. Congratulations. Everything else going OK?? Erin said yes, her family was doing well, Fran was engaged. Then she told him about her friend at Nola and how they were trying to find a way for girls who couldn?t read to do the GED and how her friend Clara was trying to get her brother back on track. He said, ?Well, you have been a very busy girl Erin, and I mean that in a good way.? Then Erin said, ?How are things going with you, Mr. Silver?? Mr. Silver, ?Good and Bad. My practice is going very well, and the girls are doing well. Debbie?s doing exceptionally well. She loves that baby, and she is finishing high school, mainly because you are willing to be there every day. And she trusts you to take care of Jeremy, and she doesn?t trust anyone else outside the family. But I wish my wife would be more supportive of Debbie and less negative about everything. It would make life easier for all of us. I know what is going on. I will have to do something about it soon.? Erin did not want to pry into family problems, so she did not ask what. She just said ?Sorry.? When they got there, Sarah was getting ready for school. Erin decided to cook herself some eggs and asked her if she wanted eggs for breakfast too. Sarah said, ?Sure, it?s been a long time since I?ve had fried eggs. Please.? So, Erin put Mary in a walker and cooked four eggs using the minimum amount of oil, and also prepared four pieces of toast and put them with the eggs, and set out some milk, the butter dish, and two glasses and silver settings. Sarah finished getting ready and came out and sat down to eat with Erin and the two girls talked about this and that. Finally, Sarah said, ?You know, last year I would never have imagined us talking like this. I thought you were a real mental case.? Erin said, ?Well, people can change.? Sarah said, ?Yeah, that is for sure.? Erin wasn?t quite sure what she meant but felt some tension in the statement. She said, ?Sarah, if you ever need to talk to someone about that, I?m available.? Sarah, ?Thanks, Erin.? Then Debbie came down with Jeremy. Erin asked if she wanted some eggs, and Debbie said ?Sure.? While Erin cooked them, the three of them talked about the two upcoming graduations and associated activities. Sarah said, ?I hope that next year I?ll be graduating?? Erin said, ?Are you on track, Sarah?? Sarah, ?Yes, but things may be changing.? After Erin set out Debbie?s breakfast, she cleaned up as best she could. Then Debbie?s mom came down, and the entire atmosphere changed. She was angry to see Erin, as always, and just scowled at her. Erin sort of understood, as apparently the old Erin had been a huge problem to her. But the new Erin had been nothing but nice and helpful since starting work and had hoped that it would make up for past problems. It hadn?t. Sarah and Debbie both said, ?Good Morning Mom.? Mrs. Silver did not respond. Erin asked Mrs. Silver if she would like her to cook a couple of eggs for her. Mrs. Silver didn?t respond. She just said, ?Be sure to clean this up, Erin. I don?t want to come home to a mess.? Erin said, ?Yes, Maam.? Then Mrs. Silver made herself a piece of toast and sat away from the three girls while she ate and occasionally scowled at them. Then she got up and put her coat on and without a word went to her car and drove off. Erin said, ?Whew.? Sarah said, ?Yeah, Whew. She has been like that for a couple of weeks. Not that she?s been all that much fun to be around for the last year. We don?t know what is going on. Whatever it is, we hope it changes soon.? Erin, ?Is she mad at you too Sarah?? Sarah, ?Yes. I have made clear that I don?t agree with her that Debbie is an awful person. In my school, they have emphasized forgiveness for people who have made mistakes, since we all make them. I told her what I was learning and told her that what she was doing wasn?t Christian.? Erin, ?I agree with you Sarah. Thank you.? Sarah, ?I know that for a while I was susceptible to Mom?s arguments. I?s sorry Debbie.? Debby said ?Hey, we all make mistakes. The key is to not keep making the same one over and over. Thanks for changing, Sarah. Love You.? After Sarah left for school, Debbie said, ?Erin, is it all right if you stay till 5 tonight. I and some friends are going to get together. Our class has bought a plaque for the school. We will give it during graduation but need to talk about how to give it.? Erin, ?Sure, Debbie. No problem.? Later in the morning, Erin called her mother to tell her she would be a little late. She also reminded her that she would not be home at all Thursday night. Midway through the morning, Erin got a call on her cell phone from a representative of the state department of education. ?Erin McLoughlin?? Erin, ?Yes.? Representative, ?Congratulations on your success on the GED. I understand you agreed to give the valedictorian address?? Erin, ?Yes.? Representative, ?We would like you to put a few things in the address, if possible. It?s OK if you don?t want to, but we would like to know, so we can get the word out other ways if not.? Erin, ?What things?? Representative, ?We would like an acknowledgement for the proctors and other administrators.? Erin ?Sure, I?d be happy to do that.? Then the representative asked, ?Would it help you to have some copies of old addresses.?? Erin, ?Hey, that would be great. Ideas from others who have done this will prompt some creative thinking, so I don?t have to start from scratch.? Representative, ?We will be introducing Aaron first as the high scorer on the GED this year, and then you. But we?ll say you did almost as well in your introduction. Hope that is OK.? Erin said, ?Absolutely, Aaron should get credit for what he has done.? Representative, ?Can I get your email. We?ll send some old valedictorian addresses in a few minutes.? Erin, [email protected].? Representative, ?Thank You for being willing to work with us.? Erin, ?And thank you all for administering such a great program. I really appreciate it. I?m sure the other graduates do too.? Childcare that day was routine. Erin got an hour at about 11 where she could work on the valedictorian address. She started by reading the addresses the guy from the state education association had sent, and then deciding what she wanted to say. The message she decided to transmit was that all GED graduates had accomplished a lot and that they should be proud and not let anyone convince them that they were second best because they had not graduated from high school in the conventional fashion. She decided that she would give that message after she did the acknowledgement thing the state wanted her to do. Erin did not get any farther in planning because Mary woke up and needed changing. Then Jeremy woke up. The rest of the day was filled with cleaning, changing diapers, nursing, and spending time with the babies. Mary, in particular, was very active and needed lots of attention and playing with Erin, but Jeremy also appreciated some play and attention. Erin was always surprised how she was content to do this sort of work for long periods of time. She loved to see the babies respond and grow and be happy and joyful. It warmed her heart. Erin had read in one of her science magazines that there were significant changes in the brains of women who gave birth and raised children. Was that why the new Erin had responded so well to being a mother after the switch? She didn?t think so. After all, the old Erin had indicated that she hated motherhood and only reluctantly did things that Mary needed, nursing, diaper changing, cleaning. Certainly, all indications were that Mary had not been properly cleaned up and fed before the new Erin. But the old and new Erin had the same physical brain. So, enjoyment of child care could not be totally biologically determined. Erin also remembered that as Brian, he had enjoyed children and would go way out of his way to make a child happy. Perhaps not to the same extent as the new Erin, but more so than the old Erin. Erin wondered how, the changes in women?s brains affected their minds, aside from reactions to children. Erin didn?t feel any limitations on her thinking from being a mother. She felt fully capable of doing the same intellectual work she did before and was able to deal in the same ways with interactions with people. So, she didn?t think that being a mother changed her mind much, if at all. It would be interesting what the researchers into brain changes would find out about the effects of the brain changes on the minds of women. That would provide more understanding of themselves for mothers everywhere. When Erin finally got home at 5:45, her mother was done with dinner. Erin just sat and talked with her. She asked Mom ?Could you take me to the mall one evening to shop for LaTesha and Brian.? Mom, ?Sure, when would you like to go?? Erin, ?Maybe Friday night or early next week. I keep thinking things will slow down, but no way. I work full-time this week. Thursday, I stay at the Silvers overnight. Saturday, we have the graduation. By the way, the Tuesday after that is Debbie?s graduation and I will stay at the Silvers until they are home. She might want me to take Jeremy to the graduation, just to show him off. After that, I will be done with working full time for the Silvers. But I will have another visit to Nola the weekend after next. Then the entire week after that is preparation for Clara?s wedding. I know we will be trying on the dresses early in the week and have a big rehearsal on Friday night and the wedding on Saturday. And all the time I?m getting fatter and fatter and am starting to have difficulty getting around. I feel like a beached whale.? Mom smiled and said, ?You know, Erin, being busy means you are doing worthwhile things. When you stop being busy, it?s because nobody needs you, nobody wants you. So, enjoy it.? Erin smiled back and said, ?Thanks, Mom. I needed that. I will glory in the chaos of being busy.? Mom, ?By the way, do you realize that that is the first complaint I have heard from you about being pregnant? What is it, almost 7 months now? By the time you were 7 months pregnant with Mary, you had been whining nonstop for months. You even drove Rex away for a while, in spite of the free food and beer he got here. Being busy this time might have prevented you from focusing on your personal discomfort. That?s another reason to embrace being busy.? Erin, ?OK, Mom, I?ll stop complaining.? Mom, ?Good girl.? Then Erin asked, ?Mom, would you watch Mary for a couple of hours, so I can get started on my valedictorian address?? Mom, ?Sure, Honey. You know I love to watch my granddaughter.? Erin, ?Thanks, Mom.? Then Fran came home and shouted from the door, ?Mom, I?m home.? Mom shouted back, ?We?re in the kitchen, Fran.? Fran came in in full uniform, and kissed mom and said, ?Hi Erin,? and hugged her and said, ?What?s for dinner?? Mom, ?I put a pot roast in the slow cooker and added some vegetables to go with it.? Fran, ?Oh, that sounds good. You guys having a deep discussion?? Erin, ?We just decided that being busy is a good thing. What do you think?? Fran, ?Well, that is actually a good Segway to something I wanted to talk to you about. Roger wants me to quit the force.? Erin, ?What, Why?? Fran, ?Safety. He is worried about me. With two of us on the force, there is more of a chance one of us will run into trouble and get hurt. If that happened, the other might do something stupid.? Erin, ?Well that seems unfair. You love the work. Maybe Roger should quit the force?? Fran, ?Well, it?s not quite the same. And there?s something else that affects the decision.? Mom, ?What?s that?? Fran said, ?Well, Erin is not the only daughter you have that is pregnant.? Mom jumped up and hugged Fran and said ?Honey, That?s wonderful. You?re happy aren?t you.? Fran said, ?Well, I?ve never really wanted to be a mother. But living with Erin and seeing how much she loves Mary, I?ve sort of changed my mind. Yes, I?m happy.? Then Erin got up awkwardly and hugged Fran. They wound up in a three- way hug, four-way if you count Mary. Then Erin said, ?So that is why Roger wants you to quit the force.? Fran, ?Yes. I guess I should be happy that he doesn?t want me, or the baby hurt. But I do love the work. Well, we will see. I don?t have to decide right now.? Erin, ?How about a desk job?? Fran, ?Maybe, but I like working with the public. Most of the time.? That evening, while Mom was watching Mary, Erin wrote a valedictorian address. Then she went through and rehearsed it. It was three times as long as it should be. They had said 10 minutes. She had droned on almost thirty. And she hadn?t even included the tribute to the state and GED Staff. She sat down again and looked for duplications and extraneous material. Then she included the tributes she wanted and read it again. It took 15 minutes, closer to her limits. She decided to stop working on it. In her experience, a break would allow her to look at it fresh and almost always resulted in improvements. Then she spent some time looking at some more of the material the state had emailed her. They had included some statistics on the class. There were 25 men and 37 women. Most of them had a job. Average age was 34. The youngest was Aaron at 14. The oldest was ... My God, was there really a 75-year-old woman getting her GED? Erin would bet the story behind that was fascinating. Most of the jobs were entry level, but there was a woman who was an administrator for a business in town. And she had 4 children. How had she ever found time to study? And there were three veterans, including one woman, and four current members of the military, one woman and three men. Erin didn?t even know they still allowed people without high school credentials to join. Maybe she should call up a recruiter and ask what the rules were. And one of the veterans had been decorated for bravery under fire and had a purple heart. There had to be a story there. Then Erin looked at her dry speech and realized that if she could give this information in the speech, she would have to talk to these people. So, she might be starting from scratch tomorrow. She replied to the email from the state and asked if she could give information about the statistics of the class and if she could contact the people to get names and stories. The next day she got a chance to work on the speech for a while at Debbie?s. She first checked her email, and found that the state said, ?Yes she could include the statistics. That why they sent them.? OK, Erin got out her talk and copied it to a version 3. She inserted a section on the statistics between the appreciation section and the message. Then she started writing up the statistics. She got about half way through when Mary woke up and started fussing. That caused Jeremy to fuss and Erin had to give up writing and get the two babies up. Erin got home a little earlier this night. After making sure Mary didn?t need a diaper change, Erin put Mary in a walker and went in and cleaned up around the kitchen and then picked up some stuff that had been left laying in the living room. Then she got out the vacuum and gave the downstairs a quick vacuuming. Her mom got home soon thereafter and looked around and said, ?Thanks for cleaning up, Honey.? Then Erin asked Mom to watch Mary for a couple of hours while she worked some more on her speech. Mom agreed. After dinner, Erin took up where she left off and finished the section on statistics of the class. Then she went over the message section, shortening it and making it clearer. Finally, Erin went to Mom and asked if she would listen to it and give her opinion. Mom said ?Sure,? and Erin read what she had written out, noting sections as she read that could be shortened or clarified. At the end, Mom said ?That was very good, Erin. It mainly talked about the class and was not just about you. I?m sure everyone will like it.? Erin, ?Anything that should be changed?? Mom, ?Nothing I would suggest.? Erin was a little concerned that Mom wasn?t critical enough. She decided to look at it again tomorrow and maybe call Clara for a second opinion. She also emailed the department of education and asked how firm the 10 minutes time limit was. Erin?s practice speech had taken 12 minutes. CHAPTER 18. JUNE, DAN?s BBQ, GED GRADUATION ADDRESS, DEBBY?S SENIOR SNEAK, DEBBY AND JESSE?S GRADUATION Wednesday was similar to Tuesday. Erin got a little time to work on the Valedictorian?s Address at Debbie?s. The department of education had responded that 12 minutes was OK, so at least she didn?t have to work on a lot of cutting. She went over the talk again, changing a few words here and a transition statement there, but nothing major. By the time the babies stirred, she felt ready to read it to Clara. After dinner, she called Clara. Erin, ?Hi Clara, how are you. How is the wedding planning going?? Clara, ?Frantic. It?s just one thing after another. I did find out the gowns are available to try on next Monday. The others will not be in town till the week of the wedding. But it would be good for us at least to be ready. Will you be available?? Erin, ?Yeah. Can you come get me?? Clara, ?I will be there at 5. We can go have some dinner and talk. What do you think?? Erin, ?Sure, sounds like fun. Are they having a shoot of ?Say Yes to the Dress? That would be interesting.? Clara laughed, ?No, thing?s are crazy enough as is.? Erin, ?Have you talked with your lawyer friend about the girls. Is he going to be able to come to Nola with us?? Clara, ?Yes, He has committed to do that.? Erin, ?Does he realize we are also meeting with another inmate?? Clara, ?Yes. He will drive himself, so he won?t get caught up with the visit with Brian.? Erin, ?OK. Are you and mom getting Brian signed up for his class?? Clara, ?We are working on it. We should be done this week so when things really start getting busy next week we will be done with it.? Erin, ?OK, I will call LaTesha and tell her our visit is on. I think she will make the arrangements for the meeting. If it is anything other than 10 AM, I will tell you.? Clara, ?OK.? Then Erin asked, ?Clara, can you listen to my valedictorian address and tell me what you think?? Clara, ?Sure.? Erin went through the speech, and Clara said, ?Well, it is very good. I have a couple of minor suggestions. But basically, it is very good.? Erin, ?Thanks Clara, what are the suggestions?? Clara went through a couple of minor things that were not clear, and Erin wrote them down. Erin, ?So what is the schedule for the wedding?? Clara, ?We meet at the church Friday Evening, June 16, do a complete walk through including music. So, we won?t be able to have a dinner. Instead we will have a late lunch at our house on Friday. On Saturday, we meet at my house to get dressed. We are having a hair stylist and Make Up person from Gordio?s at our house, so everyone gets a free hair style and make up. Then we meet at the church at 5 PM.? Erin, ?Whew. I?m glad I?m not getting married. It sounds like an incredible project to get everything together.? Clara said, ?Your time will come, Sis. Just a matter of time.? Erin, ?Hmm, I don?t think so. I?m not sure I am capable of it. It would feel so awkward.? Clara, ?Betcha?. Erin didn?t want to even think about it, so, she didn?t answer. But she did say, ?By the way, you are not my only sister that is getting married. Fran is engaged. And pregnant. The wedding is in October.? Clara, ?Your kidding? Fran? Wow.? Erin, ?It?s true. Her fianc?e is trying to persuade her to quit the force, so she and the baby are safer. And Fran is considering it. But you know a lot of her bravado is bluster. She is really very sweet. I think she will be a good mother.? Clara, ?Yes she is. But don?t ever tell her I said so. She would kill me.? When she and Clara hung up, Erin decided to try to call LaTesha. She got nothing but a busy signal. She kept trying until 9, after which they wouldn?t allow the residents to get calls. She would have to try again tomorrow. Thursday was the day she had agreed to stay overnight at Debbie?s, so Erin packed extra clothes and extra diapers. She was not particularly looking forward to it because Debbie?s mom would be there some of the time and would undoubtedly find fault with Erin no matter what. But Erin intended to try to be as perfect as she could and to avoid Debbie?s mom as much as she could. She kept forgetting to ask Brian what had happened between Erin and Mrs. Silver before the switch. It might help her to find a way to make amends. She wrote on her list to ask the weekend after next. Erin used all the time she had to spare making sure everything was clean so when Debbie?s mother got home she would not have anything to complain about. It wasn?t supposed to be this way. Any time she wasn?t caring for the babies was supposed to be hers. She hadn?t been hired as a maid. But Erin didn?t want conflict. It might blow back on Debbie. Debbie?s dad said he would work late and be home late, since he didn?t have to give Erin a ride home. Debbie?s mom got home at about 4:40. Erin was in Debbie?s room in the process of changing Jeremy. There were some child dishes and a sippy cup on the table from an afternoon snack for Mary. Erin was trying to ween her off nursing. After all, in a couple months Erin would have two more babies to nurse. As usual any indication that Erin was there seemed to infuriate Mrs. Silver. She shouted to Erin to come clean up the table. Erin called back, ?Yes, Maam. As soon as I finish changing Jeremy.? That caused Mrs. Silver to stomp into Debbie?s room. She noticed that Erin was indeed changing Jeremy. She said ?Do it as soon as you can. And clean this place up. It stinks.? Erin, ?Jeremy just had a BM and I am changing him Maam. I will put the diaper in the soaking bucket as soon as I can.? She was about to say ?So for now deal with it,? but managed to choke that down. Mrs. Silver said, ?If you were organized you would manage your tasks so you take care of the diaper first.? Then she stomped out. Erin did not think this was an auspicious start to the evening. It took a few more minutes to finish the diaper change and deal with the old diaper. Then Erin picked up the two babies and walked out to the living room. She put Mary in a walker she kept here and put Jeremy in a car seat, so he was safe and comfortable. Both babies picked up on the tension in the room and cried for a minute before Erin could calm them down. Then Erin picked up a plate and the sippy cup and took them to sink and washed them and put them on a towel on the counter to dry. Mrs. Silver came in as she was finishing and said ?I suppose those things are Mary?s and not Jeremy?s. I told Debbie she should not hire someone with divided loyalties. Jeremy should be getting all your attention?. Mrs. Silver was about to say something about Mary but something in Erin?s expression told her that that would be a step too far. Erin chose not to respond, and just finished up and took the two babies back to Debbie?s room. ?God, what a bitch,? she thought to herself. She spent the rest of the evening in Debbie?s room caring for the babies, playing with them, nursing them, changing diapers, and getting them to bed. Several times while she was holding them, she tried to call LaTesha. Finally, she got a hold of her. ?Hi LaTesha?, Erin said. LaTesha, ?Hi Erin. How are you doing? You know I?ve been completely oblivious to the fact that you must be getting uncomfortable and have a hard time moving around. What is it, 7 months?? Erin, ?Just 6?. But yes, I am a little uncomfortable. But the babies will be worth it. It?s OK. How are you doing?? LaTesha, ?Well, pretty good. I am getting down to studying and found a couple of things I still need.? Erin, ?Well, tell me and I will try to bring them next meeting.? So, LaTesha mentioned a couple of things and Erin wrote them down. Then Erin said, ?So the lawyer friend of Clara?s will be with us next time. That is the Saturday after this as planned. Can you get us on the visiting list at 10?? LaTesha, ?I will try. Can you call next week, and I?ll tell you what time we have?? Erin, ?I?ll definitely do that. I love to talk to you, girlfriend.? LaTesha, ?Likewise, Erin. And the other girls will be glad to hear that we are on for that Saturday. They have their hopes up now.? Erin, ?You know that after this meeting we may not be able to visit for a while. Clara is getting married the weekend after that.? LaTesha, ?Really? And she is willing to spend some time the weekend before trying to help us? I?m impressed.? Erin, ?I think you can trust Clara and her mother to do their best, LaTesha. They?re good people. So, what is happening with you? Heard anything about your release date?? LaTesha, ?No, I probably won?t hear until August. I?m on pins and needles. Being able to pass the time studying for the GED is a godsend. What have you been doing, Erin?? Erin, ?Well this week I wrote the GED Valedictorian Address. You want to hear it?? LaTesha, ?Yes, I would.? So, Erin read an abbreviated version, and LaTesha wound up crying and said, ?God, Erin. That?s good. I can hardly wait to be there next year.? Then Erin said ?Other than that, I?ve been doing childcare. This is the night of Debbie?s Senior Class outing, so I am working at her house overnight. I have Mary in my lap and her 3-month-old son in my left arm and am holding the phone with my right.? LaTesha laughed at that. Then Erin told her the one bad thing, that Debbie?s mother was a religious zealot who didn?t believe that Christ emphasized forgiveness. So, Erin was staying in the bedroom to avoid her. LaTesha said, ?Wow, sounds like a real bitch.? Erin, ?Yeah, that?s an accurate assessment.? For some reason that made LaTesha laugh. Then Erin said, ?Oh, Fran is pregnant, and engaged.? Clara, ?Really. That?s a surprise. She is human after all.? Erin, ?I?ve learned that most of Fran?s act is bluster. She is actually pretty sweet.? LaTesha ?Hmm, she hides it well. How about yourself? Any new boyfriends.? Erin, ?No, I haven?t exactly had good luck in relationships with men. I guess I?m leery.? LaTesha, ?Well, lots of time.? Erin, ?I don?t know. A woman with three children and a reputation for being crazy might never be a magnate for worthwhile men.? To change the subject, Erin asked ?How is your family, LaTesha??, and LaTesha replied ?They?re doing fine. My brother will be home from college in a few days and will be here to visit. I?m looking forward to seeing him.? Then the conversation flagged, and LaTesha signed off saying another resident was waiting for the phone. Erin said, ?Call you next week. Hang in there.? LaTesha said, ?I will Erin, I will.? Then Erin wrote the two things the LaTesha needed on her list and spent some more time with the babies. Soon, Jeremy showed signs of being tires, so she got him ready, gave him an opportunity to nurse, which he took, and put him to bed. She spent a little time playing quietly with Mary and repeated the process. Then she did her nighttime routine and went to bed. She awoke to the sounds of an argument between Mr. and Mrs. Silver, followed by the sounds of a door slamming and a car driving off. This caused her to feel bad for Sarah and Debbie, if this happened often. Erin realized that she had tended to take the good relationship between Mr. and Mrs. McLoughlin and between Mom and Dad Sanders for granted. The next morning, Jeremy woke up at 6 and Erin got up and changed him. Mary woke up soon thereafter and Erin cleaned her up and changed her and then took them both downstairs and made some coffee. While she was waiting, she sat in the family room and nursed the two babies. Then Mrs. Silver came out and looked at her and said, ?that?s disgusting. For heaven?s sake, cover yourself up.? Erin got a blanket and sort of put it over her shoulders, so it covered most of her breasts. Mrs. Silver got some coffee from the pot before it was finished and poured cream and sugar in it and took a sip and complained that it was strong. Then she made herself some toast, buttered it, and went to her room to get dressed. In the meantime, the two babies finished nursing. Erin patted Jeremy on the back, so he would burp if he needed, and then put Mary in a walker and got herself some coffee. As she sat at the table drinking with Jeremy in her arms, Mary ?walked? over to her and babbled. Erin smiled. She had started feeling out of sorts, but Mary?s smile helped her put things in perspective. So, when Mrs. Silver stormed through and left calling out ?Make sure this mess is cleaned up by the time I get home, Erin,? Erin just nodded and otherwise ignored her. The rest of the day was routine. She bathed babies, changed diapers, change clothes, nursed babies, played with babies, looked for something else to do and cleaned the kitchen and dining area and Debbie?s bedroom, changed more diapers, changed more clothes, nursed babies again, played with babies again. She had about an hour to herself. First she changed the sheets on Debbie?s bed (Debbie had left her clean sheets.? Then Erin logged into the GED web site and looked for the material LaTesha wanted, but it was too voluminous to print. So, Erin checked Amazon. One book was available used, cheap, and it was a no-brainer to order it rather than print it. The other was also available used, but not cheap, but not too bad, so she ordered it too. Erin was glad when Debbie finally got home, about 3 PM. But Debbie was very tired and asked if Erin could care for Jeremy until Sarah came home, so Debbie could take a nap. Erin said sure and got all her stuff and the child care stuff out of Debbie?s bedroom and into the family room. Then Debbie went to bed for a nap. Erin continued caring for Jeremy along with Mary until 4:30 when Sarah got home from college. Erin said ?Hi Sarah. How was your day.? Sarah, ?Interesting, as always. How about you Erin? Is Debby still gone?? Erin, ?No, she got home but apparently they didn?t sleep last night. So, she is taking a nap. Was your school day interesting?? Sarah, ?Oh, there are so many different ways of looking at theological issues. I love thinking about what makes sense and what doesn?t. That is true of all the courses, not just the theological. I even like the physics for non-major?s course I am taking. Do you think you will try to go to college, Erin?? Erin was about to say without thinking that she had graduated from college but caught herself. She said, ?I doubt it. I have three kids to support. But I love to read.? Sarah, ?Yes, I have seen some of the magazines you bring over. They are heavy stuff. Do you understand all of them?? Erin, ?Nobody understands all of math and science, let along economics and politics. But I get a lot of it. It?s interesting.? Sarah, ?Last year I would never have suspected you of reading such stuff, Erin. It just goes to show you shouldn?t judge a book by its cover.? Erin, ?Indeed. So, are you still enjoying your major, now that you are in it?? Saran, ?I do have some doubts. I used to think there is only one way to look at the world and I wanted to understand that. Now I?m not so sure. We?ll see.? Then Erin said, ?Sarah, if Debbie isn?t awake by the time your father gets home, could you take Jeremy at that time. I sort of need to get home as soon as I can.? Sarah, ?Sure, Erin. No problem.? Mr. Silver got home at 5:15, later than usual. Erin turned Jeremy over to Sarah, gathered her and Mary?s stuff, neatened up the family room as much as she could, and Mr. Silver took her home. On the way home, she told Mr. Silver to please apologize to Mrs. Silver for the state of the family room. She couldn?t have it completely clean because Debbie was sleeping in her bedroom. Mr. Silver said, ?It makes no sense to expect total cleanliness when there is a baby involved. She?ll just have to accept it.? Before dropping Erin off, he wrote a check for $400. Erin protested that was way too much. The regular pay was more than generous, but Mr. Silver insisted. He said ?Erin, you are a lifesaver. You have given my daughter her chance to finish high school. And I am happy to pay you what you are worth.? Erin said ?Thanks, Mr. Silver.? Erin finally got home at 6. For some reason she felt drained. When Erin got in the door, her mom was in the kitchen. She already had dinner ready. Erin went in and hugged her and said, ?I love you Mom.? Mom said, ?Thanks, Erin. I love you too. But that sounded like it had some other meaning.? Then Erin told her the story of her tense dealings with Mrs. Sliver and of the fight between Mr. and Mrs. Silver last night. She said ?Mom, Thank You for being so supportive of me and Mary. And thank both you and Dad for having such a loving relationship. It makes me feel like I haven?t totally screwed up your lives. I just didn?t realize how lucky I was.? The Mom said, ?Erin, you haven?t totally screwed up anything. You?re a sweet girl. And Dad and I love you very much. Dad should be home soon. I told him we had a lot to do tonight, getting ready for the family BBQ tomorrow and getting the stuff you needed, so he should be sure to be on time. You can thank him too when he gets home. I?m sure he will appreciate it. After dinner, we will go to the Mall. So that is what Erin did. Their trip to the mall was mainly a stop at the grocery store. Erin was slowly easing Brian towards healthy foods. She would throw in a healthy snack in place of an unhealthy, and if he didn?t complain, she made it a permanent replacement. She got trail mix instead of chips and low-fat cookies in place of his former full fat ones. Hopefully he wouldn?t complain. Her mom got a whole load of hamburger and hot dogs and buns for the lunch tomorrow and 5 pounds of potatoes for potato salad. Erin insisted on low fat mayonnaise and cheese, so the potato salad would not be too heavy a calorie hit. Then she reflected she needed to gain weight. But other people didn?t. By the time they left, Mom had dropped $100, even though the hamburger was on sale. Then Mom insisted on stopping in the maternity shop. They saw a dress that mom said would be perfect for the graduation. Erin said, ?Oh, Mom, they have robes we will wear. We shouldn?t be spending money on clothes.? Mom replied, ?Erin, I thought I would never see you graduate, let alone give a valedictorian address. If I want to buy you a nice dress to wear for it, I will. Besides, I want you to wear it to the family barbeque, so I can take pictures.? What could Erin do? Except point out that she had no matching shoes. So, mom bought a pair of attractive but comfortable shoes too. Mom also insisted on going to a chain department store and getting Mary a fancy outfit. Erin realized this was a ?grandmother? thing and didn?t protest. When they got home, mom launched into making potato salad. Erin put Mary in her walker, and helped her mom, although Mary was constantly underfoot. She was older and strong-willed and could not just be put somewhere and expected to stay. After the potato salad was done and the refrigerator reorganized so it would fit, Erin took Mary upstairs and cleaned her up for bed and gave her an opportunity to nurse. Mary fell asleep easily, apparently tired from her overnight stay at Debbie?s. Then Erin went downstairs to chat with mom. They talked about Fran and her wedding and baby, about Debbie?s family, about Erin?s upcoming delivery, and various other things. Before she knew it, they had talked for an hour and her mother said, ?Well, it?s a big day tomorrow Erin. We better get some sleep.? Erin yawned, ?Yeah, I guess so. See you in the morning, Mom.? Mary slept to the normal time, 6:30. Then Erin got up, cleaned her up and changed her and brought her downstairs and started the coffee and then nursed Mary while waiting. By the time Mary was done and Erin had a chance to pour a cup of coffee and sit back down, it was 7:30. Erin?s Dad was the next one to show up. He kissed Erin on the forehead and said, ?Good Morning Kiddo.? Mary babbled and held up her arms for him to pick her up. She loved being held by Dad. He spoiled her rotten. Dad said, ?Just a moment, Mary, let me get my coffee first.? A few minutes later he was back and picked her up. Erin asked if he would like some eggs and bacon for breakfast. He said sure, so she got up and put them together, using a little butter spray for the eggs instead of a quarter inch of grease like mom did. She brought a plate over to him, including some toast and butter and jam. Dad thanked her and ate a few bites, and then Mary wanted some eggs, so he took his spoon and gave her a small bite. She clapped her hand and then would not let him eat in peace. She must have eaten half an egg, on top of the milk she had drunk. Erin was OK with it. Given she was having two more babies, it would be a good thing if Mary transitioned to real food. Then mom came down and saw indications that Dad was feeding Mary and said, ?I?m not sure that is good Herald. She is too young. Dad, ?Hey, we argue about this every baby. She?s over 9 months old. She saw it and pointed to it, saying she wants it. I just gave her eggs, not bacon or toast. If she can handle it, she is ready.? Mom smiled, ?Yeah, we will see if she gets sick or not. If she gets sick, she?s yours.? Then Erin asked her mom if she wanted some eggs and bacon, and Mom said ?Yes, do you need any help?? Erin, ?No. Just relax Mom. I?ll get it.? In a few minutes Erin served Mom the same plate as Dad and then went to make some for herself. In the meantime, Mary was having a ball playing with Dad, squealing, getting held overhead, hugged and tickled, loving every minute of it. Erin looked at them and said to Mom, ?Look at that, he never changes diapers, never gives baths, never cleans up, but he is her favorite. It?s not fair.? Mom laughed, ?He was all you kids? favorites too. He?s got a good thing going, whatever it is.? Then they talked over what they needed to do, go to Dan?s, put together the hamburgers, help Stacey set up the back yard for a family lunch, help her clean up, and then get Erin to the auditorium early so she could get dressed and ready. Then Erin got up from breakfast and cleaned off the dishes, putting most in the dishwasher, but stacking some neatly in the sink. Then she took Mary from Dad, with some wailing from Mary, and went upstairs and checked her diaper, and had to change it, and then put Mary on the bed with some toys and packed a bag for Mary, and a bag for herself. Finally, she changed Mary into her new outfit and picked her up and took her downstairs and put her in a walker. Next, she went back upstairs, took a quick shower, brushed her teeth, did her hair, made herself up, and put on her new outfit. It was now 11. ?God,? she thought, I spend a lot of time just getting myself and Mary ready to do things.? She went downstairs, only to find Mom and Dad and Mary waiting for her impatiently. ?Sorry,? she said. On the way over, she asked Mom, ?Mom, you know because of the drugs, I have actually forgotten some of the relatives I didn?t often see. So, if you see me struggling with a name, please come in and say his or her name somehow, so I can remember it. Please.? Mom, ?Of course, Sweetie.? When they got there, Erin brought Mary and her diaper bag in and Mom hauled Erin?s bag in and they put them in Dan and Stacey?s bedroom. In the meantime, Dad brought the hamburgers and potato salad in and put them in coolers. Then someone gave him a beer and he started talking to cousins and brothers and uncles. Mom and Erin came out and Mom got a wine and Erin got a diet soda. She wished she could have a beer too, but not when she was pregnant. Mary was intimidated for a few minutes by the number of people, but then she saw Dad and wanted to go to him. The sight of Dad laughing and talking apparently reassured Mary and she was soon her normal outgoing self and Erin saw lots of people greeting her and smiling. Erin tried to talk to everyone but, was slightly freaked out that there were so many relatives that she didn?t know. But she found out that many of the relatives didn?t know, or more properly, didn?t recognize her either. Several older women said that she was really looking good and they would never have recognized her if they hadn?t seen the pictures. Erin just smiled and said Thank You. Then Stacey said, ?It?s true Erin. If I hadn?t seen you several times over the last year, I wouldn?t have recognized you.? Then she brought out three pictures, one apparently from the previous summer when Erin had been pregnant with Mary, one from Thanksgiving, and one Mom had taken before she had gone out with Clara and the bridesmaids a couple weeks ago. In the first, Erin weighted over 200 pounds and was holding a beer. She had no makeup on and was wearing a very unattractive dress and had circles around her eyes. Her arm tattoos were up front. She was scowling at the camera, looking unhappy and angry at the world. In the Thanksgiving picture, Erin was holding Mary and had a smile on her face but was still not made up well and was wearing a dowdy dress, but it covered the tattoos. She weighed about 175 lbs. In the one from a couple weeks ago, Erin was made up, wearing an attractive dress (with long sleeves) and earrings and a neckless, and was grinning from ear to ear. Even though pregnant, she looked otherwise slender and poised. Stacey said, ?I?ve never seen anyone change so much in a year.? Erin was beginning to be concerned. She definitely didn?t want to be the center of attention. She decided the best tactic was to talk to people about themselves. So, whenever she talked to them she tried to find out what they had been doing the last year. Then she tried to use mental tricks to remember their name and what they did. She also spent a half hour talking to her nephew Skyler about science and math. She talked to her niece, Patty, about soccer and school and to her younger nephew, Dempsey, about his sports and school. It was easy talking to Skyler because Erin was once a young male science nerd, but she liked her niece and younger nephew too and enjoyed talking to them. The last time she talked to Patty, Erin was concerned because she had never had a girlhood that she could share with her. But now she realized that she was not expected to share their girlhood because the old Erin had been such a tomboy. So, she felt more at ease and just enjoyed her niece?s company. About an hour after she got there, Erin decided she needed to check on Mary. Mary saw her and held her arms out, a clear sign she wanted to nurse. So, Erin took her to Dan and Stacey?s Bedroom and let her nurse and then changed her diaper and brought her out again. Mary was a little more tired now and seemed to be happy to stay with Erin. Erin sat down with Mom and Stacey and drank some more soda. Then the hamburgers were ready, and Dad came by and asked Erin if she would like him to get her a plate. Erin said, ?Thanks Dad. I?d really appreciate it. Can you get me a hot dog with a little mayo and ketchup, and some potato salad, and fruit salad if they have it?? He said, ?That?s not very much, Erin. How about some Potato Chips or baked beans?? She said, ?No thanks Dad.? Then Dad asked Erin, ?How about a beer or wine?? Erin said, ?No, not for a couple months more.? He said, ?Why two months?? But Mom nudged him with her elbow. ?She?s pregnant, Bart. She?s not supposed to have alcohol.? Dad said, ?Oh. She drank when she was pregnant before.? Then in response to Mom?s dirty look, he said, ?Ok, Ok,? and went to get the plate. Erin laughed and said, ?Dad?s really a sweet guy, Mom.? Mom replied, ?Yes, but I?ve been happy that you have taken this pregnancy more seriously than the first and I don?t want Dad to undo that.? Erin laughed and said, ?Don?t worry Mom, I?m not going to do anything that might harm the twins.? Mom smiled, ?I guess I should trust you, Erin.? Then a guy walked up to her table. Erin recognized him instantly and said, ?Hi Mr. Beal.? He looked at her and said, ?I didn?t think I had met you, Erin. I wanted to congratulate on your achievement. Where do you know me from?? Erin thought ?Dam, me and my big mouth.? but said, ?I think I met you at some musical event when I was a Freshman. You?re the Piano Teacher for the Blakefield Schools, Right?? He said, ?Yes, I am. Did I teach you some time in the past?? Erin, ?Err, No. I just met you at some musical event. I have a good memory for names.? ?And I have a good memory for faces, but I don?t remember you.? thought Mr. Beal. But he said, ?I am teaching Patty the piano. Dan invited me because I sit on the state board that designs the GED. I am interested in who we are helping with this program.? Erin, ?Yeah, I saw the new piano in their family room. I know she will enjoy your teaching, Mr. Beal.? Mr. Beal thought, ?But if I never taught you, Erin. So, how could you know? Or are you just being nice?? He thought there was something very familiar about Erin. She was impulsive and talked very much like a former student, but he couldn?t place her. If he heard her play, he would remember immediately. So, he asked, ?Do you play the piano, Erin?? Erin, ?Err, no. I wish I had had my act together and learned it. But I screwed up and missed out on it.? Mr. Beal said, ?Well anyway, congratulations again. I heard your story, that you screwed up and didn?t graduate from high school, and also got pregnant and had a baby. But then came back to get your GED so you could support your children. That is exactly the type of person we wanted to help. What did you think of the program?? Erin, ?Well, I liked it. It was well organized, and I was able to study for it on my own. I think most people with computer resources and some level of organization can do it. But it would have been a lot harder without a computer. As a matter of fact, I am trying to bring study material to some girls at Nola Detention Center who are interested in taking the GED. They hope to be ahead of the game when they get out. One girl is having no problem. But she was an excellent student before she got into trouble. The others are struggling because their problems as students started early for various reasons, all out of their control. So, they struggle to read and study. But they are highly motivated and really want to succeed. I would like to help, but don?t know how. Two friends are also involved, who are trying to get the state to assign readers to help them study and take the tests. We?ll see.? Mr. Beal replied, ?That is really interesting, Erin. Would you be willing to come to the GED Board and talk about your personal experiences and the experiences of the other girls?? Erin, ?Sure. But I must say that if it is more than a month down the line, it is likely I will not be available.? Mr. Beal, ?Oh, Why?? Erin, ?I will be too pregnant and then I will have a pair of twins in addition to Mary to take care of.? Mr. Beal looked at her and said, ?Oh, I see. Well probably sometime in Fall, then.? Erin, ?That will probably work. Do you have a card? I will write my cell on it.? He gave her two cards, and she wrote her name and cell on one and gave it back.? He looked at it. The cell number seemed familiar too. He would check it against his list when he got home. Dad brought the plate back and then went to rejoin a couple of his brothers. Erin tried to eat, but Mary apparently smelled her food and wanted some. Erin gave her a little piece of hot dog and Mary was in 7th heaven. Mary kept wanting more, and also found she liked the bun. Erin wound up giving almost half her hot dog to Mary. Then she took a piece of potato, scraped all the vegetables and most of the dressing off and gave it to Mary. Mary thought that was all right too. Finally, Erin took some soft watermelon out of the fruit salad and gave that to Mary. Another hit. Erin wondered if Mary would ever eat much baby food. Patty came over to talk to her mom about something, and then asked if she could hold Mary, and Erin said ?Sure, Honey. Just be careful.? Then Erin showed her how to safely hold a baby. Mary, as usual, was confident and friendly, and Erin?s niece seemed to have fun, until Mary gave a loud burp, and coughed up a little. Erin got a clean napkin and some water and wiped it off Patty. Fortunately, Patty knew that babies did that sort of thing and wasn?t horrified. Erin suddenly realized that she was totally behaving like a woman, sitting with other women, telling a young niece how to hold her baby. Perhaps more surprising, it didn?t bother her at all. She was content. After dinner, Dan made a short speech. ?This party is a celebration for my little sister Erin for finishing the GED. I also would like to thank her for the great opportunity for a party and the opportunity to see the family. And I want to mention that now that Erin is out of school, our parents are officially retired from having to get kids to study. So maybe they can do some traveling instead of working so hard. Getting back to Erin, she will be giving the Valedictorian Address for the graduation ceremony tonight, which is astonishing given her grades in high school. The speech had better be good, because I am recording it and putting it on the web. Anyway, we have scored enough tickets for everyone to be there. So please attend. You want to say anything, little sister.? Erin smiled and said, ?Thank you all for coming today. It?s a great honor for me. And Thank You Mom and Dad for your support. I honestly could not have done it without you.? That brought enthusiastic applause. After that, Erin tried to circulate and talk to more people. By 4:30 it was time to find Mom and turn Mary over to her and find Dad to take her to take her to the Auditorium to get ready. Of course, Mom was nowhere to be found outside. So, Erin went through the slider to the family looking for her. Patty was sitting at the piano showing one of Stacey?s sisters what she could play. She had sheet music for Star Wars and was hitting the notes pretty good. Erin clapped and said, ?Very Good, Patty.? But Patty was dissatisfied and replied, ?It doesn?t sound right.? Without thinking Erin sat down beside her with Mary on her lap and said, ?When you are playing solo, you need to have a cadence in your head. Then look at the notes. See the position on the bar, that is where the note should be played. divide the bar into 16 counts. Now count, at the same rate, and play the notes according to the position on the bar. Look, I will count, and you play.? She counted slowly to 16, and Patty hit a note when she got to about the right position. Patty smiled, ?That was slow, but it sounds better.? Erin, ?Now I will count faster.? She went through it at what she thought was the right rate, and it sounded much better.? Erin said, ?Very good. It will sound better if you hit both chords. You do yours and I will do the lower.? So, she went through it again and played the right side of the piano with her left hand. It was awkward but sounded pretty good. Patty smiled. That was good. Stacey?s sister said, ?Erin, I didn?t know you could play. Can you do the entire tune.? Erin was tempted. As Brian, she had loved playing. But she had given it up when she was a Junior in High School to focus on math and science. She missed it. ?Why not, she asked herself. So, she said, ?Can you hold Mary.? The woman said, ?Sure? and took her. Then Erin sat down and played the entire Star Wars theme from memory. Then she hit a few other pieces. She felt like she was missing notes, but Patty clapped and said ?Yah, Auntie Erin,? after each piece. Soon Mary started fussing, so Erin had to quit. She said, ?Practice hard, Patty. You have an excellent teacher and a good attitude and will do well.? Then she got Mary and went to find Mom. Mr. Beal happened to be walking through the kitchen when he heard the bits of music. He immediately recognized the player. The cadence, the highs to lows formed a signature that an experienced musician would recognize instantly. But that was impossible, he thought. No disguise would turn the player he knew into the tall, attractive, pregnant girl he had just met. He must be wrong. It must be just happenstance that Erin had the same piano signature as his former student. But in his heart, he was almost sure there was some connection. He just couldn?t figure it out. Finally, Erin found Mom and showed her what she had packed for Mary and handed Mary to her. Then she found Dad and said they had to get going. He smiled and said ?Sure, Baby.? She asked, ?Dad, how much beer have you had to drink.? He said, ?Just a couple, Honey. I?m all right.? But that was clearly not true. Mr. Beal was standing right there and said, ?I?m going into town. I would be happy to take you to the Auditorium, Erin.? Dad said, ?Would You? I?d appreciate it. I guess I have had a little too much. I?m just so happy for Erin.? Erin gave him a hug and said in his ear, ?Daddy, wait an hour and see how you feel. Don?t do anything dangerous. I?m sure Dan or Stacey would drive your car with you and Mom if you need. It?s nothing to be sensitive about. It would show you had a good head on your shoulders.? ?Yes Mother.? Dad replied. Erin followed Mr. Beal out to his car and they left. As they drove, Mr. Beal said, ?I heard you playing, Erin.? Erin thought ?Dam, why did I let myself be tempted to sit down at the Piano?? But said, ?Yes, Sorry for lying to you. I just didn?t want to get roped into playing.? Mr. Beal, ?Why not? You are very good. And you obviously enjoyed it.? Erin, ?I don?t know. You are an expert and I haven?t played for years.? Mr. Beal, ?Well, it?s sort of like riding a bicycle. Your play reminds me of a former student I taught for 5 years, a very good student. A boy named ?Brian Sanders.? Do you know him?? Erin thought ?Double Dam,? but just said, ?Yes.? Mr. Beal, ?Could I ask how you know him?? Erin thought about what to say. In her heart she hated lying. In addition, she knew she was a very poor liar. Plus, she knew Mr. Beal and he was very smart; so, a clumsy lie was worse than just saying she didn?t want to talk about it. But they had been good friends when she had been Brian. He was not the type of adult who thought of all children as idiots. He actually valued what Brian had said. And Brian had enjoyed their conversations. So, she asked, ?Can you keep it a secret?? He said, ?Ok.? She said, ?I am Brian Sanders, sort of.? He said, ?That is hard to believe. I cannot think of any way Brian could have grown 5 inches, turned into an attractive girl, and gotten pregnant.? Erin said, ?Nor can I.? Mr. Beal, ?Then, can you tell me how this happened?? After that Erin started talking and the whole story tumbled out. How Brian had gone to an Engineering conference in Eugene. How he had gone to sleep after losing the fight with Rex and woken up as Erin. How she had managed to get them back to Blakefield. How Erin had been on drugs and needed help to detox and so had lied to Erin?s parents and allowed them to help her. How the old Erin had apparently been F2M transgender and had been happy to take over Brian?s body and had lured the new Erin to a rendezvous and given her GHB and raped her and gotten her pregnant. How Erin had seen that she needed some credentials to ultimately support her children, so she had gotten her GED. At that, Mr. Beal chuckled, ?Well, Erin, you are not quite the sort of person we envisioned ourselves helping when we established the GED program. But I am glad it was available for you. I still think your perspective would be valuable to the board. But you said you were ?Brian Sanders, SORT OF.? What does that mean?? Erin, ?As Brian, I never felt like I was transgendered. I always felt comfortable as a male. But as Erin I have become very comfortable being a mother and being female. From talking with Mom, I think the new Erin is much more comfortable presenting a female face to the world than the old ever was.? Mr. Beal, ?I guess that explains the difference in the old and new Erin pictures Stacey was passing around. Your mental image affects your appearance.? Mr. Beal, ?That is quite a story, Erin. It explains a lot of things, and I cannot imagine what you would gain making it up, so I am inclined to believe it, although I need to think about it more. You said Erin?s parents don?t know. Do Brian?s parents know?? Erin, ?Yes. They are the only others who know, besides the new Brian of course. Mom Sanders is trying to help the new Brian. He had a miserable relationship with his parents and made many bad decisions, perhaps because of being trans but not being allowed to express who he was. But he still had a hard time adjusting to being Brian. He had no marketable skills, certainly not engineering or math, so he couldn?t just walk in and take over Brian?s job, and he didn?t know how to handle another job. I offered to pay for some job training with my savings, but he wanted to do things his way. He wound up turning to low-level crime and hurt an older woman in a robbery attempt. He is now in prison. Mom and Clara are trying to help him, so he can go straight and get a job when he gets out. Unfortunately, he is not eligible for the GED program. Brian has a college degree.? Mr. Beal laughed. Then he said, ?Well, I promise I won?t tell this tale to anyone. If you need any help, please consider me. You were an excellent student and it broke my heart when you quit to study math. Maybe I can influence you to start playing piano again.? Erin smiled and said, ?Maybe, I did enjoy playing today.? When they got to the auditorium, Erin thanked Mr. Beal and got out of the car and went into the auditorium, following the signs that said ?Graduates.? Once there she found her contact and talked to him about the speech. He asked, ?You are going to do a thank you to the people who administer the GED, right?? Erin said yes. Then she put on a purple gown designating the Valedictorian and got instructions on flipping the tassel. He said, ?It is hot, so don?t put the gown on until the last minute.? She was a half hour early. She found a place out of the way and went over her speech several more times. She cut out some stuff that she considered extraneous again. Then she was ready and put on her cap and gown.? She noticed everyone else was nervous too. She noticed Aaron and said ?Hi?. He had on a purple gown also, and he appeared very nervous. He came up to her and said, ?Thank You Erin for doing this,? and went to his spot in the formation of graduates. Then the appointed time came. The curtain opened, and they announced her name as valedictorian and she walked up to the podium to scattered applause. Then she said, ?Thank you for that applause, and I accept it as the representative of all the GED graduates in 2017. Now please applaud your graduate directly. I know how hard they all worked for this and they deserve to be recognized.? That prompted a loud long applause. Then Erin said, ?Graduates. Wave to your relatives and friends. Their support was essential to you. Thank them by waving.? All the graduates waved enthusiastically. Then Erin started her speech. ?As the representative of the graduating GED recipients of 2017, I first want to thank the State of Idaho, the GED governing board, and the employees of the department of education who work on the GED program, including advisors and proctors. I also want to thank the taxpayers who paid for this. This program is not free, but it is a program that is very important to a lot of people, including those that graduate from it and those that depend on them. In my case I thank you, my parents thank you, my daughter thanks you, and the twins I am carrying thank you. I?m sure every graduate up here thanks you, and their parents and children thank you. This is a government program that works. It is set up to be flexible and to not put undue barriers in the way of people who are trying to get a GED. Generally, all the people on this stage had to do was study and prove they knew the material, which is what is important in proving they were worthy of being recognized as mastering high school academic material. I will say that there is one unfair barrier that still needs to be addressed. Those who struggle with reading, such as people who have reading disabilities or people who are have another deficit in early learning are generally unable to study and pass the GED tests on their own, no matter how motivated. Such a deficit usually appears early in childhood and so cannot be the fault of the student. I urge the GED board to see if there is a way to address this need. Next, I want to say that although I am the Valedictorian, I did not get the highest combined score on the tests. That honor goes to Aaron Caruthers. Aaron is 12 years old and an be admitted to Princeton once he has high school credentials. So, he studied for the GED. He missed one question on the 4 tests. That is amazing. Please say congratulations to Aaron and wish him well in college by applauding.? This prompted loud applause. ?Now I want to say something about the rest of our class. We are extremely diverse group of people. Ages range from 12 to 75. The 75- year-old woman said that she thought if she got her high school credentials, she would be more effective urging her grandchildren to do well in school. Average age is 30. There are 25 men and 37 women. Most of them already have a job. Most of the jobs are entry level, but there is a woman who is an administrator for a business in town. And she has 4 children. I have only one and I would like to know how she ever found time to study? There are three veterans, including one woman, and four current members of the military, one woman and three men. One of the veterans has been decorated for bravery under fire and has a purple heart. Why were these people working toward a GED. There are 62 people here and probably 62 different stories explaining why things didn?t work out for them in high school. But all of these people have worked their ass off to improve their prospects for a good life by getting a GED. Can they get some more applause?? This again prompted loud applause. It is traditional to give some sort of advice to graduates in a Valedictorian Address. But I?m not going to do that. I?m not smart enough to advise these fine people how to achieve their goals. Their goals are too individual for that. But I do have a message. People are going to think about the GED as somehow second class, compared to a conventional high school diploma. I advise you to not internalize that feeling. In some ways, the GED is harder than regular high school. First of all, in schools the students have teachers whose job and passion it is to present the material in a way that students can learn it. If a student is not getting it, the teacher is available to help. That is not generally true while studying for the GED. For many people studying for the GED, it is just you and the material to be learned. You define how you study, you plan it, and if there is a problem, you have to figure out why you are not getting it and figure out a solution. Second, most students in high school are only doing school. A few have jobs, a few have children, and a few are taking care of other family members. But by and large people that graduate from high school have no responsibility but going to school. However, many of those who are studying for the GED are also doing something else, working, taking care of children or another relative, volunteer activities, or maybe all of the above. So be proud of what you have accomplished. It deserves pride. If someone puts it down, just ascribe it to ignorance. And if you get a chance, help your fellow GED recipients by saying to the person who trivializes your degree, ?Hey, I worked hard and learned a lot getting my GED. I didn?t have a teacher making me study, I studied on my own. And I did it while I was raising a family or working full time or whatever applies to you.? Don?t fight about it. That doesn?t help people understand. But remain positive, because you are positive, you are achievers and you deserve respect. Now, I know there are a lot of people out there who have been saying to themselves, ?God, when is that woman going to shut up.? Well, now is the time. Let?s award the degrees. Thank You for listening.? Then Erin went back to her spot. She got more than just a polite applause. To Mr. Beal in the audience, this speech was vintage Brian. It prompted him to believe Erin?s story a little more. While he left, he ran into Clara Sanders, her presence being another indication that there was a connection between Erin and Brian. After greeting each other, Mr. Beal said ?Hi, quite a speech wasn?t it. I had a long talk with the young lady who gave it. She plays the piano beautifully, but just like Brian. Quite amazing.? Clara said, ?Hmm, yes, quite amazing,? and laughed. When the degree recipients went back and turned their robes in, Erin got a ?Thank You. Good Speech.? from her contact. She said thanks in return and was sure to grab her purse and the hat, which the graduates got to keep, and headed out to see who was still around. She ran into Clara and hugged her. She said, ?Way to go, Sis. Then she looked up and saw Mr. Beal. He said, ?I agree. Good speech.? Then her Mom came up to her, and Mary saw her and squealed and held her arms to be held. Erin took her and hugged her. Then Dad and Fran and Dan came up and congratulated her. Stacey greeted her and her children, Skyler, Patty, and Dempsey came up and said hi. Erin realized how lucky she was to have these wonderful people in her life and tried to say thank you and started to cry. A couple months ago she would have felt weird crying, but now she was used to it. Must be the hormones. The next day was Sunday, and Erin and Debbie were back to being excluded from the service because their child might fuss. But each had lots to talk about. Debbie told Erin about the prom and how much fun she had had and how romantic it was with Chris. Erin was genuinely envious. And Erin told Debbie about the Barbeque at Dan?s and the graduation. Debbie said, ?God, that is so cool Erin. Good Show.? Then Erin talked about Clara?s wedding and what they would be doing that week, and it was Debbie?s turn to be envious. She made Erin promise to bring her Maid of Honor Dress over Tuesday and show it to her. After church, her parents and Erin decided to go to lunch, and the Silvers heard, and her parents invited them, and they decided to go, except Mrs. Silver who begged off saying she had something to do at the church. Mr. Silver tried to dissuade her, but she was adamant. So, the two families went to lunch together. The three young women, Erin, Sarah, and Debbie sat at one end of the table and chatted. Erin learned that Sarah was done with finals on Wednesday and was anxious about them. Some of her courses were very challenging. Sarah had babysat Jeremy for the Prom, and Erin was glad it had worked out. She wouldn?t have been able to babysit last night. Debbie reminded Erin that she wouldn?t need to babysit Monday but would be needed on Tuesday. There were school activities before the graduation that Debbie wanted to attend. Erin agreed. She knew that that might be the last time she would need to babysit Jeremy for Debbie. Then Erin went home and helped Mom, who was cleaning house on Sunday to make up for not doing it Saturday. After that, she called Clara and asked ?Hi, how you doing, Sis.? Clara, ?Good, How about you, Sis.? Then they both laughed. Clara said, ?So, what prompted you to tell Mr. Beal about the mind switch?? Erin, ?I don?t know. He is a friend. He heard me playing and guessed I had some sort of connection with Brian. I hate lying. I?m an awful liar. He promised to keep what I told him secret. So, I just decided to do it.? Clara, ?Yeah. That sounds about right. Anyone who really knew Brian and really gets to know Erin might guess. I suppose the opposite is true. By the way, did you remember to get the drawing supplies and paper Brian will need to draw your family? Erin, ?I guess I have not gotten the drawing supplies. Thanks for the reminder. Can we get them while we are getting the dress? That way Mom McLoughlin will not know I have them and ask to see early versions of the drawings.? Then Erin asked, ?What is the schedule for wedding activities next week?? Clara said, ?No big changes. You and I pick up our dresses tomorrow. Wednesday, the bridesmaids and Tony fly in at various times. I will be the chauffeur and pick them up and bring them to my house. Then I and the bridesmaids will go to the dress shop about 5. Could you meet us there? It will be fun.? Erin, ?I will try. I think I can get to it by bus.? Clara, ?Then the main festivities are on Friday and Saturday next week.? By the way, mom has said she would love to have you and Mary come just to visit next week. Maybe one day if she needs help we could all spend some time just as a family. Clara, ?That really was a nice Valedictorian Speech last night. It was short and sweet. You had good things to say about everyone. You had a serious message. You had self-depreciating humor. Remember when you used to do opening speeches in the school debate club. What you did last night was similar to those speeches. I think Mr. Beal might have picked up on that had you not already told him.? Erin, ?I guess so. You are saying my personality and style is set and changes are variations on a theme.? Clara, ?Yes, in your case on a very good theme. I?m proud to be your sibling.? Erin, ?But I guess I need to be a little cautious if I am around someone who knew Brian well, or someone who knew Erin well. I could easily do something that raised red flags to such people.? Clara, ?Yes.? Erin continued, ?But in a larger sense, almost everything I do is a flag for someone who knew Erin well, that I am a different person. The only one who has picked up on it is my sister-in-law, Stacy. I?m not sure what I can do about it. I won?t pretend to be someone with all of the old Erin?s problems. I will just have to continue to take my chances. Maybe sometimes I can change something in what I say or do to appear a little less ?Brian?ish. But the amount I can do in that regard is very limited, because I am the result of my upbringing.? The two sisters talked for a few more minutes and Mary started fussing, so Erin said ?My public is calling. See you tomorrow at 5 Clara. How should I dress?? Clara ?Casual is fine. But maybe not pants.? Erin laughed, ?Good, because I only have 1 pair of pants that will fit.? The next morning, Erin saw Mom and Dad off to work and during Mary?s nap she spent an hour cleaning, so her mother wouldn?t have to clean so much on Saturday. Later in the morning she took Mary for a walk and bought a half subway and they relaxed in the park. She put on a coat and discretely lifted her blouse and bra, so Mary could nurse while Erin munched on her sandwich. Then a girl came by and said, ?Hi Erin.? Erin looked up and recognized her as the girl she had met in the hospital a couple months age. She said ?Hi Jesse. How are you doing? How is your mom?? Jesse said, ?Mom?s pretty good. Feeling much better. I graduate tomorrow night.? Erin, ?Great. Congratulations, Jesse. I might be there, if Debbie wants me to bring Jeremy to show him off. I hope she does. I?ll scream when your name is called if I?m there.? Jesse smiled at that. She said, ?It would be nice to have someone scream for me besides my parents. Most of my friends won?t be there.? Then Jesse said, ?Is this your baby? Can I hold her.? Erin said ?Sure. She?s really sweet. Unlike her father.? Jesse laughed at that. Then she said, ?How are you feeling, Erin? How long till the baby?s born?? Erin, ?Just a couple of months. I?ll be so glad when it is done. But I?m not doing too bad. I can walk but I can?t run. I graduated from the GED program Saturday night. I gave the Valedictorian speech.? Jesse, ?Really? That?s great, Erin. Congratulations. It looks like we?re both doing OK, even though everyone thought we were losers in school. So, what does ?everyone? know anyway?? Erin laughed, ?Obviously not as much as they think.? The two girls chatted for a few more minutes. Then Jesse said she had to get going and gave Mary back to Erin and wished her luck, and Erin reciprocated. As she left, Jesse said, ?Oh, Erin. I heard a rumor Rex might be getting out.? Erin froze at that. She wrote a mental note to call the prosecutor and see what was happening. Erin put the rest of her sandwich away and picked up Mary and walked home. It had been nice to just relax. When Erin got home, she called the prosecutor?s office and asked about the status of a prisoner who had assaulted her a couple of months ago and was being held without bail. They handed her around the office phone net until she finally remembered the name of the prosecutor she had talked to last. So, she asked for him. When he got on the line, he was impatient and said he had told her nothing would happen until August. Erin said she had heard a rumor Rex was getting out. With bad grace, he said he would check and said, ?Hmm, they consolidated all the charges, so he is now charged with one count of simple assault. Because of that, they are revisiting the decision to hold him without bail. The hearing is in two weeks. I?m sorry. I thought I was the prosecutor of record, but someone else has been designated. I am not longer on the case. I?m going to transfer you to Mr. Gude.? Then she was on hold again. Finally, another man came on the line. ?Prosecutor Gude speaking.? Erin said, ?My name is Erin McLoughlin. I was a victim of a serious assault by a man name Rex Luthor. He was charged with two assaults with intent to do severe bodily damage and is being held without bail. I understand the two assaults have been consolidated into one charge, and that the bail decision will be reconsidered in a couple of weeks.? Mr. Gude said, ?Yes Miss McLoughlin. We have an unmanageable case load and are trying to catch up. I decided this was one way to do so. I believe I will not oppose bail.? Erin gasped, ?Mr. Gude. That man almost killed me. And he assaulted my mother. He is a huge and violent man and has threatened to attack me again. If he gets out, I will be in great danger, and my baby and my two unborn children will also be in danger. You have to oppose bail.? Mr. Gude, ?Well now Miss McLoughlin, it is not clear to me you would be in danger. After all, you shot him during sex and he reacted and hit you. That is not clear assault with intent to harm.? Erin, ?Mr. Gude, Rex assaulted me and threatened me the week before, and then forced his way into my parents? house and tied my mother up and surprised me in the bedroom and forced me to have sex. My gunshot was self-defense. Rex had me under control and told me he was going to abduct me and terminate my pregnancy. And he is big enough and strong enough that he could have easily done that. I was not going to let him do that to me. After apprehension he threatened to kill me while at the bail hearing. You have a videotape of that. I am certain he will kill me if he gets the chance.? Mr. Gude, ?it can be argued that threat on the videotape was a result of learning he had been permanently maimed by your actions. The city could conceivably be sued for false imprisonment for denying bail. We are discussing a plea deal where he pleas to simple assault in exchange for time served.? By this time Erin was livid. But she controlled herself and asked when the bail hearing was and asked to speak at it. He said it would be next week, but he had no plans to call her. Erin said that she had a right to speak at any hearing at which this case was considered and would assert that right with a lawyer if necessary. Mr. Gude was clearly not happy at this, but conceded she was right and said he would keep her in the loop. After she hung up, Erin broke down in tears, but soon got herself together. ?Well,? she thought, ?it?s time to work on that carry permit again. It might provide some protection. She also needed to ask Fran if she could find out what was going on at the Prosecutor?s Office.? Although upset, she decided to do something positive and played with Mary for a while, then changed her and when Mary started yawning, put her down for another nap. Erin spent another hour cleaning, and then got Mary up and cleaned her up and changed her again. Finally, she put Mary?s new outfit on her and put her new dress on and put on some makeup and accessorized and waited for Clara. While waiting, she gave Mary more attention. They played games and Erin talked to her and Mary babbled back and when the doorbell rang, she was in a better mood. Clara picked her up at 5. They had a very pleasant visit. First, they went to the dress shop. Clara?s dress was fabulous, and only required a few minor adjustments to fit. Erin?s dress fit great and she loved the way it looked. But, of course, it was a maternity dress and was designed to have room and not have to fit her figure perfectly. But she thought it was comfortable and attractive none the less. Then they went to a mall with a paper and art supplies stores and got some material for Brian to use in doing a drawing of the Mcloughlin?s. Erin was a little concerned. It could be that Brian was still so mad at his former family that he would decline. She hoped he would do it for her. Then they went home and ate with the Sanders family. Erin had a nice family evening that reminded her of her childhood. Both of her former parents took some time to get acquainted with Mary, which gave Erin a much-appreciated break. They talked about old times and what they would/should do in the future. And Erin talked about the situation with Rex. Clara said, ?I have heard that there was some dissatisfaction with one of the prosecutors on the part of a woman?s group. I wonder if this was the one they were talking about.? Erin told her mother, ?Mom, I know you don?t like guns, but I am going to get a concealed-carry permit for my and Mary and my unborn children?s protection. Rex is just too unpredictable to not do what I can. I promise I will take a course in gun safety to insure innocent people are not harmed.? Her mother was concerned, but said she understood. Clara echoed her concern. Erin was surprised, but her dad whole-heartedly supported her arming herself. He said that too many girls had died at the hands of violent boyfriends, and he didn?t want his daughter to add to that statistic. Erin cried and hugged him and said ?Thanks, Daddy.? Only later did she think about what that moment of acceptance and love meant to her. Then they talked about the twins she was carrying. She said she had been thinking of naming them ?Aaron? and ?Carli?. What did they think? Dad had not comment, but mom said, ?Did you pick those names because they were close to ?Brian? and ?Clara??? Erin said, ?Partly, Yes. But partly because I met a really bright kid named ?Aaron.? I?m hoping this will mystically push my son to be bright. And there is just something about the name ?Carli? that seems right. Sounds stupid, doesn?t it? But I haven?t talked to my other family. So, I don?t know.? Jenny laughed. ??Seeming right? is as good a reason as any for names. Then Erin asked, ?Are you going to want a DNA test to verify you are the grandparents?? Jenny, ?No Erin, we believe in you. We already accept that they are our grandchildren. In many ways.? Erin said, ?Well, I was just asking because you can if you want. I won?t be offended.? Erin stayed until about 8 and then had to get home. Tomorrow would be her last day working for the Silvers. It was Debbie?s Graduation day. As usual Mr. Silver picked her up at 7:30 AM. Erin had gotten up at 6 to get Mary up and changed and fed and to get herself ready. Mr. Silver was happy about Debbie graduating and was in a good mood. He thanked Erin for doing the child care that was necessary for Debbie to graduate. He even mentioned that Debbie might be going to college next year and wondered if Erin was interested in childcare then. Erin said, ?Maybe, but it would have to be at my house. I will have two little babies and won?t want to drag them around every day.? Mr. Silver, ?That might be OK. Debbie might have a car by then. We?ll see what happens this summer and talk about it as fall comes.? Erin, ?As Jeremy gets older, it might be more economical to put him in regular day care, but probably not as soon as next fall.? Mr. Silver, ?Maybe so, but there is something to be said for keeping Jeremy in a situation where we know he is loved and well cared for.? When Erin got to the Silver?s, Debbie was ready to go. She took a few minutes to tell Erin what was happening with Jeremy, and what she had planned for this, her last day of high school. Debbie was excited and animated, and Erin felt good for her friend. Then Debbie had to leave, because a high school friend was picking her up. Erin checked the two babies to make sure all was well with them and wound up having to change both. Then she spent a few minutes walking around with both babies in arms and talking to them, trying to pay a lot of attention to Jeremy. He was getting old enough that he responded. It was subtle, but she could see it. Then she took them downstairs to the kitchen, so she could get a cup of coffee. Mrs. Silver was sitting at the table having breakfast, already dressed for the day?s activities. Actually, Erin thought she was overly well dressed for volunteer activities, and the clothing was not exactly professional. Mrs. Silver scowled when she saw Erin and said, ?Erin, be sure this place is clean when I get home. I don?t want to come home to a mess.? Erin, ?Yes Mrs. Silver. Do you have a message I should give any callers? Is there any time I should say you will be home?? Mrs. Silver, ?No, just tell them to call on my cell phone.? Then she got up and stomped out without any other comments. Erin spent a few minutes enjoying the coffee and playing peak-a-boo with Mary. Then she walked around the house a bit talking to the two babies, and even decided to walk around the block like that since it was a beautiful day. Next, she bathed Jeremy and gave Mary a sponge bath and put double diapers on each and gave them an opportunity to nurse, which both took, and put them in bed for a nap. In a few minutes they were asleep. While they were asleep she went downstairs and washed any dishes that were in the sink, picked up, and swept and mopped up some spilled food in the kitchen. Then she got out the vacuum cleaner and vacuumed the living room and family room. After that she sat down and found some soccer to watch. In a few minutes, cries from Debbie?s bedroom alerted her that nap time was over. She got the two up and changed diapers. Then she decided to go for a longer walk and got the double stroller out and walked to a park about a half mile away. She sat Mary on the grass and watched her crawl happily around while she held Jeremy and cooed to him. They both seemed happy. Then she moved them to be near a swing and swung gently with Jeremy in her arms while Mary was crawling around. After a few minutes she put Jeremy in the stroller and swung with Mary, somewhat more vigorously. Mary got excited and babbled and shrieked a bit. Then Erin walked them home in the stroller, taking a longer way around, and when she got home she let them nurse, and put Jeremy down for his afternoon nap. Mary rarely slept in the afternoon now, but today she showed signs of being tired, so Erin laid down with her in the bed until Mary slept and then Erin surprised herself by falling asleep too. She and Mary slept for only a half hour. Then Erin got them up and played with Mary for another half hour until Jeremy woke. It was a very quiet and satisfying day. It was at times like this that Erin realized how different she was from Brian. Brian had liked babies and enjoyed them for a few minutes at a time. He would have acknowledged that peaceful, nurturing days like today were important to the child, but perhaps not to the adult. And he would have been bored out of his skull if he?d had to be an adult caretaker for a baby for even one day. Erin was satisfied knowing that the children were happy and was fascinated by how children grew and reacted. She might have all of the old Brian?s memories and personality traits, but she also had some traits that she had developed since the change. Erin was curious about the new traits. Were they part of this brain change that scientists had found in women who had babies? Or were they hormonal? Erin knew she was much more emotional than Brian had been, and when Mary, or Jeremy, showed love in their relationship, her feelings for them were almost overwhelming. Or was the change in personality and values more intellectual, as experience drove Erin to understand the importance of interactions with adults in the development of babies? Or maybe all three? About 4:30, Sarah got home from college. She came in and said hi to Erin and held Jeremy for a while. Then Debbie got home bubbling with news about her day. But she could only spend a few minutes talking and holding her child, because she had to change and get ready for her Graduation. A few minutes later Mr. Silver arrived. He said Hi to Erin and asked her if she had heard from Mrs. Silver. Erin said ?no? and passed on what she had said this morning. Then Mr. Silver went and said hi to his daughters and urged them to get a move on, they had to leave by 5:15 to get Debbie to the college auditorium by 6. Mr. Silver then asked Erin if she was coming. Erin said she hadn?t been asked, and Debbie said, ?Oh, I?m sorry. Erin I?d really like it if you came, both to show off Jeremy and because you are my friend and I would love to have you there. Please.? Erin, ?I?d love to, I?ll get ready as soon as possible. It?ll take a little longer to get the babies ready too.? She spent 15 minutes making herself presentable. Then she spent another 15 making sure the babies were dry and packing up the stuff they would need to be out for an hour. She put Jeremy in his nice clothes. She had not packed nice clothes for Mary. She told Mary, ?Hey kiddo, you will have to depend on your beautiful smile and winning personality to impress people. No problem.? By 5:15, she was ready. But Mrs. Silver had not shown. Mr. Silver had tried to call her, but no answer. Then a text arrived on Mr. Silver?s phone, and simultaneously on Debbie?s and Sarah?. It said, ?In important meeting. Cannot get away. Go without me.? Erin saw a look of anger cloud Mr. Silver?s face. He replied and sent if off with vigor. But there was no answer. He took a deep breath, and said, ?Come on Girls. Let?s get going.? They encountered some traffic and just made it, although Erin suspected that there was no way they would have kept Debbie out of the ceremony, unless she didn?t show at all. They went into the same auditorium at which Erin had spoken a couple of days ago and found some seats. Erin opened the program and looked for people she was going to cheer for. She took a pen out of her purse and circled names. Of course, she circled Debbie and her boyfriend Chris. Then she found Jesse?s name and circled it. Then she looked for the names of the boys who had stood up for her in that first encounter with Rex and circled their names. That was 7 names. She went through the rest of the names and found a couple of kids from church who had been friendly with her and circled their names. She was ready. Sarah was looking at her, and said, ?Erin, are you always this organized? I don?t remember any indication of it in past years.? Erin laughed and said, ?You mean anal, don?t you?? And I guess I am, don?t know why.? Sarah laughed, ?Yes, I guess I do mean anal.? Then the ceremony started. The valedictorian speech started well, but in Erin?s opinion it went on way too long. Finally, they called the names and the students walked up to get their degrees. Erin cheered for her names, and soon Mary got into the groove and shrieked when Erin cheered. Erin thought she saw Jesse wave when she heard Erin and Mary. Debbie was last, and Erin cheered as loud as she could, as did Mary. Someone behind her said something about keeping that dam kid quiet. Erin just turned around and stuck out her tongue. She knew it was Immature. But she didn?t care at that moment. Afterword, Jesse and her parents came over and greeted her and thanked her for the support, and she said, ?Congratulations, Jesse. You deserve it.? Then Debbie came over and asked if she could ride home with some friends. Sarah said ?Dad, I can take care of Jeremy. It?s OK.? So, he told Debby, ?OK, Honey. But come home soon.? Then Mr. Silver drove Erin and Mary home and said, ?Thanks Erin,? And wrote her a check, which Erin tried to refuse, but he insisted. Then She hugged him, hugged Sarah, and finally she hugged Jeremy, realizing that the time when they were so close was at an end. She got out and went in trying not to cry. Only when she was going to sleep did she realize Mrs. Silver never showed up for her daughter?s graduation. ?What a bitch,? Erin thought.