Max, The Dress, And Me free porn video

Max, the dress and me Janet L. Stickney [email protected] As the wind toyed with the hem of my dress I stood there basking in the glory with the mere fact that I had done it. I had actually gotten dressed, left the house, and walked to the lake. I stood there a moment longer, then walked down the beach to the boat ramp, turned around and walked back home. I was so excited when I was back home that I could barely stand it, and once again coated my lips with the red lipstick. The tug of the bra on my shoulders, the sensuous feeling of the pantyhose on my hairless legs, and the taste of lipstick was nothing compared to just being outside. I had long fought the urge to leave the house, only succumbing to it when I couldn't stand it any more. The problem with going outside was that it was like a drug. I wanted more, lots more. I had about two hours, but resisted the pull of going out again and went to my room to change. I knew that if I didn't do it right then, I might not be able to. I was myself by the time they got home, all my things carefully stowed away, new air freshener in my room to hide the smell of my perfume. I felt both elated and devastated at the same time, wanting to tell, but dared not for fear that I would be trashed without mercy by my step father. It was almost a month before I had the chance again, and began planning my next foray outside the house with great care. I bought another skirt and a new blouse, hiding them with my other things, counting the days as they slowly ticked by. Virtually the minute they left for the weekend, I was in my room getting ready, starting with a long bath where I shaved everything I could reach. Since they left on Friday afternoon, I was able to get out that night, and I did. I drove myself around town, stopping only once at a drive through to get a burger. By the time I got home I was once again elated. I had made contact with someone else while dressed as a girl! That night I prepared myself for my most daring outing. In the morning, I was going to go out in the daylight! I started dressing up as a kid, but it didn't mean much until I turned 13. That's when I knew that I shouldn't do it, but I also knew by then that I couldn't stop. My dressing was haphazard and not done very well, but it relieved my feelings, and I suffered within myself, unwilling to tell anyone how I felt and possibly suffer the stigma of a freak. I suffered through the sweats caused by my overheated thrill at being dressed, my constant inability to do as well as I knew that I should, the persistent fear of discovery, plus the nagging feeling that nature had made a mistake. By the time I was 16, I had mastered the art of makeup as well as anyone could who was self taught, even though I knew it wasn't quite right. My clothes fit better, I was more aware of people around me, and well aware that boys do not want to be girls, or shouldn't at the very least. My fears were never tamed, which is why I took great effort to hide what I was doing. When I was ready, I opened the door and stepped outside. I was wearing shorts with a light top, my hair loose around my face, my makeup understated. I walked down to the street, then to the lake again. It was usually barren of people, and I was able to walk around there. Moving through the trees, I walked out on the small peninsula and stood there watching the swans as they guarded their nests. Keenly aware of where I was and the danger my being there presented, I did not plan on lingering very long, but waited almost half an hour before I turned and started back home. "Hey! Lady! Hey!" I turned towards the voice. "Can you give me a hand getting the boat in the water? Just steady it for me." I didn't want to do it, but if I just walked away, what if he saw me again? I walked over, held the boat as he let it slide off the trailer, then turned to walk home. He waved and I disappeared into the trees, shaking only a little as I made my way back home. Since our street was mostly retired people, I didn't worry about any of my friends seeing me, which is why I walked home using the street. Once I was in the house I collapsed on the couch, then had a soda before I went to my room to try on my new skirt. I had changed into the skirt, touched up my makeup and gone into the kitchen to make lunch when mom came rushing through the back door! "Oh! Good! You're here! Max was arrested, but he collapsed and was taken to the hospital! I'm just here to get some clothes, then I'm going back to the hospital." Mom paused a moment, then..."You look better than I thought you would. I'll be gone for a while, you can come sit with me if you like." "I'll pass mom. I'm not going anywhere around Max like this, that's for sure, even if he is in the hospital! If you want me to change..." "No dear," mom said slowly... "what I think I want is for you to meet me for dinner, at that place we like on Tenth? Wear the black dress. I'll bet it looks good on you. I'll expect you at...six?" "But mom! I can't..." "Six, and wear the black dress" she said, then without waiting, she left! Just like that! My very first thought was how did mom know? My second, why did she want me to show up in my black dress, then, how did she know that I had a black dress!? I knew my mother well enough to know that if she knew all that, and after seeing me dressed like a girl, if I didn't show up wearing exactly like she told me, I wouldn't like the results at all. It would be worse than being found out by any of my friends, or Max! But she said that Max had been arrested, and that meant that he was in police custody even in the hospital, which meant that I wouldn't have to worry about him, as if I would anyway. Max always seemed to be right on the edge of violence, some quirk of his personality that was always there. He liked his drink and when he drank, he was a demanding man who usually threatened mom or I when he didn't get his way. Mom took it, I didn't. As I got older and smarter, I simply told him that while he might win if he hit me, he would positively know that he'd been there; that's when he quit trying to physically intimidate me or mom. Mom on the other hand took it, although I never understood why. Max was my step father, and I owed him zero allegiance, so he didn't get it. With all that in mind, I went to my room to get ready. I wanted to go, I needed to go, and I needed to go dressed as a girl, but I had a sudden seizure of doubt and fear come over me, which left me wondering if I had to go out so bad that I would risk everything. In my mind I knew that I would have to look, act, walk and talk like a girl perfectly, or risk a possibly nasty scene with some stranger. Then, as I settled into the tub with a razor in my hand, a calmness fell over me. I didn't have a choice. I needed to go because I myself needed to go; not because mom demanded it. With that, I looked at my arms, which I had never shaved before and grinned. I spent almost two hours shaving every inch of my skin before I got out of the tub, rubbing in some skin lotion when I was dry. I wanted to fight it, but my growing need to get out of the house as a girl plus mom's ultimatum provoked me into going further than I ever had before, doing things like taping myself so I had a smooth front. I felt the sweat starting to run down my back and toweled off, my nerves beginning to strike fear into my heart as I put out the clothes that I was going to wear. I had accumulated everything I needed, from bun pads to breast forms, a waist cincher and a pantybrief, to jewelry, barrettes and makeup, and as I set them out, I resolved not to make a fool out of myself, and the only way to do that was to quit sweating, get dressed, and walk in like I belonged there. I told myself that, but what I really needed was a tranquilizer. Once I had the panties on I used the bun pads to round out myself, pulled on the pantybrief to hold them in place, then put on the pantyhose. As I sat at mom's vanity to do my makeup I stared at my male face with disdain, wanting it to be a female face more than anything. I had eventually figured out that less is usually more, so I used only the barest minimum of foundation I could get by with, then powder followed by three different shades of eye shadow. Using the small sponge, I blended the colors, then drew a line on my upper lid with the liquid eyeliner; using a black pencil I did under each eye before I let the mascara brush darken and separate my eyelashes. Pale coral blusher, then I outlined my mouth with lipstick pencil before I started on my hair. By the time I was done, my hair fell naturally to the layer of curls I had created with the curling iron. My bangs flicked at my eyebrows, just long enough to tease, not long enough to irritate. Never completely satisfied with how I looked, I still had to admit that I looked pretty good, and as I slipped on the bra I began to think that just maybe I could pull it off. The breast forms fit a B cup, which combined with the bra, being a front hook and one size to small, gave me a very nice and obviously feminine cleavage, but I added to it by using blusher which I dusted between my breasts which gave the illusion of more depth. The waist cincher drew my waist down to a svelte 25 inches, creating a completely feminine shape. Taking the dress and carefully slipping it over my head, I let it fall to my shoulders and zipped it up, adjusting the straps to cover my bra straps, and once I settled the dress, I knew that I was right. It hugged me in all the right places, yet wasn't tight. I stepped into the cheap black patent leather heels then added the gold and black earrings and bracelet, the necklace last. Having traced my lips in a cupids bow shape, I filled in with the lipstick, adding the perfume and a couple of rings before I stood looking at the girl I had turned myself into. Not quite pretty yet very acceptable, I wondered once again why my mother had insisted that I join her for dinner dressed like a girl. Mom had not seemed surprised to see me dressed as a girl, which should have been a clue, but it went right over my head. Looking at the clock, I saw that I had a few minutes before I had to leave, so I borrowed mom's best black handbag, stuffing my stuff into it along with my lipstick. Then I had to leave. As I walked out of the house to my car, I saw the old man across the street wave, so I waved back, got in the car, and started for the restaurant. With the window cracked a bit the fresh air began to drive away some of my doubts and wipe away the thin line of sweat in my hairline. I hoped that I wouldn't screw up enough to be found out. It took all I had to walk into the restaurant, but after gathering my nerve, I walked into the restaurant casually, looked around, and saw mom at a table to the right. She waved, and I made my way over to her. "Hi mom." "Hi! You look spectacular! I figured, but..." "Why?" "Why what dear?" "Why did you insist that I come here like this?" "Because you obviously needed it. I already know that you've been to the lake at least twice dressed as a girl, and I imagine that you've been out at night, probably more than once. So, if you're already to the point that you're going out as a girl, I have decided that rather than have you skulking around all the time, it was easier to just let you be yourself! That's why you're here. It's probably to late, at your age, to make you stop, so I'm not even going to try, but asking you come was a test. If you came as a girl, I would know one thing, and if you didn't I would know something else, wouldn't I? Besides, this way I can see for myself just how pretty you are, and how well you do when you're in the public's eye." "But you said...you virtually insisted!" "Yes, but since when did anyone do something that terrified them, even if they were ordered to do it? Unless you're in the military, nobody! If you were so afraid of being out of the house dressed as a girl that you couldn't do it, you wouldn't have come the way you are! It's simple" "You set me up." "Yes dear, but look at you! Just what do I call you?" With a sigh... "Susan," I said. "Now what?" "Now we order dinner, have a nice meal, and talk, a mother daughter talk I think." Mom didn't even mention Max until we were half way through dinner. She told me he wouldn't be coming back. That lie about seeing him the hospital was only a ruse to see if I would show up as a girl. "I guess I'm a slow learner honey. I didn't see his faults, even after you told me he wasn't what he seemed. I thought you didn't like him because he was trying to take your fathers place, but, last night he went out and got drunk, came back to the cottage, and was going to smack me around. He didn't get the chance, because the police were right behind him due to his erratic driving. The minute he raised his hand to me they arrested him. He's in the hospital right now, but he'll soon be in jail, and will stay there for at least ninety days on the DWI. You were right. I should have listened to you." "I told you he was an asshole mom, but you didn't want to hear that, did you?!" "You and Max had a confrontation, didn't you?" "Yup. I told him that if he hit either of us I would be on him like a bad stink." "He would have beaten you to a pulp!" "Probably, but he would have lots of bruises before he did, and he knew that. That's why he quit threatening us." "Hmmm" "Now what?" I asked. "What I mean is, now that you've seen me..." "Nothing! If you decide that you need to become a girl, you have my permission to do it. I only wanted to see for myself how well you would do in public, just like I told you!" "Would you ladies like some more wine?" "Yes, please," I said softly. The waiter spent almost as much time looking down my dress as he did pouring the wine, but I didn't say anything. Mom suppressed a giggle when he did that, and after that, the mood suddenly became light, and I was able to relax a lot more. With Max gone and mom telling me I could dress up whenever I wanted, I couldn't think of a better situation. Mom paid the bill, and we started to walk out together, but... "Marion! Marion!" We turned to see her boss! "Marion! How nice to see you getting out! Is Max here?" "No, he's in jail. Drunk driving." "Oh, well...and who is this charming young lady?" "This is Susan..." "I'm pleased beyond words to meet you Susan! I can see that you share your mothers beauty!" He was starting to spread it deep. "Tell me you're going to get rid of Max and let me have a chance Marion, you know how I feel about you!" "I...I...I'll...think about it Jeff, but that's all!" "In that case, have a nice evening." Mom and I walked outside, not saying a word until we were almost a half a block away. That's when she told me that Jeff had been after her for years, but she had made the mistake of marrying Max. Now she told me, she was going to can Max and maybe reconsider Jeff. Since I had to drive my own car home, I met her once we were back home, which is when she told me that I might as well put my stuff in the dresser and the closet. As I went to get changed, she also told me to come back down so we could talk. I really didn't want to become a boy again so soon, so I took everything off except the bra and panties, put on my one nightgown, and walked back into the familyroom. Mom was also in her nightgown so I sat on the floor across from her. "No boyfriends I take it?" "Mom!" "Just asking. I don't suppose you have a lot of clothes?" "Some, not a lot, why?" "Tomorrow is Sunday, and I was wondering if maybe you and I could do a little shopping together? I'm sure that you need a few things, and I was thinking that maybe I ought to know this girl that you've become a bit better. It won't be crowded, so we'll have plenty of time to look around." "Why are you doing all this mom? You've always been so...strict about what I do, so what's going on? Why are you almost making me do this?" "Because it's time you and I started facing the fact that soon our lives will start changing. I'm getting rid of Max, and I'm going to spend more time learning all about my son, and the girl he is becoming. I also met someone recently that changed my view of what you have been doing all these years. A fellow I know in payroll showed up one day very recently, dressed as a woman, and announced that he was going through a process to make him a real woman, and damned if he isn't doing just that! In fact, she's gorgeous on top of being the smartest person I know, so obviously, if a man wants to become a woman, it doesn't make her stupid, it makes her feel complete. Honey, it won't be long before you leave, college or whatever, so we don't have the time to lie to each other! If Jeff and I hit it off, who knows? And if you decide to become a girl full time, then it's up to me as your mother to see to it that you know everything you need to know to be a woman. I had a different vision for my son, but there isn't anything wrong with being a woman, so, if that's what you want...why not?" My mother had just turned my entire world upside down in the space of a few hours, leaving me in a bit of shock! Her face remained calm and placid, her bright blue eyes watching me for a reaction, but I didn't know what to say! Did I want to dress like a girl all the time? Hell yes! Could I? No way! Yet by asking me to go shopping with her, she was telling me the choice was mine to make! If went, I might get enough stuff to allow me to get out more often, and surely be better dressed, so... "What time did you want to leave?" "Lets have breakfast out; say...nine?" With only my pride on the line, I agreed to go. The drug of exhilaration I had just received by going to dinner with mom was still very active, and I wanted to taste the thrill of it once again. That's why I agreed. That and my own selfish need to have more clothes, and maybe get closer to my mother. Mom made some popcorn and we sat watching television until the news came on and I went to bed. I was exhausted from the strain, yet elated that mom had not trashed me for dressing as a girl. Her motives weren't that clear, because regardless of what she said, she was my mother and I was her son, and she had always liked it that way. For her to change course so quickly was way out of character for her, and that was what was causing me to question her motives. If I took everything at face value, and it was true, then I would come out ahead. If she was maneuvering me for some other reason, I would still come out ahead if only because I would have more clothes. In the morning I showed up ready to leave wearing my girl jeans, gym shoes and a blouse, minimum makeup and no lipstick. Earrings and a bracelet my only jewelry. Mom, also wearing slacks, drove. After we ate, she took us to the mall, pulling out a list almost as soon as we walked inside. "I don't know for sure, but I'll bet you need bras and more panties to start with, certainly another dress at the minimum, maybe two, plus some skirts, blouses and tops. So lets start with lingerie and work our way to the rest as we go, okay?" That's exactly how it went. Mom went about doing her thing, leaving me to cope with the fact that I was inside not only the mall, but the lingerie shop of a major department store. At any moment someone could come by, recognize mom, see me, and add it up. You could say that my nerves were on edge, but we didn't see anyone we knew, and after we left lingerie, she and I started for the dresses one floor up. I liked the sheath dress look, but mom insisted that I get one in a different style, so I got one that belted at the waist plus a sheath dress. Also, three skirts that I picked out myself as well as several blouses. From there, shoes, where I bought flats in two colors and heels in white, taupe and red. Then we headed home. Holding my purse in my lap and staring out the window, mom drove us home, not saying a word until... "You look lost Susan. What's the matter?" "Nothing mom. I'm just trying to figure out what's going on here! I mean, you've never been like this before! I don't know what you want from me! You bought enough clothes today for me to be a girl almost every day, even though you know that I can't! Last night you told that guy Jeff that I was your daughter! What the heck was that all about?" "No dear, I did not say you were my daughter. I said that you were Susan. He merely inferred the rest. But, you're right. I do have a new outlook on life. You're smarter that I am about people Susan. Max is an asshole, which you told me many times, but since I didn't want to see that in him, I ignored you, a lot. Too much I guess. Now that I see the light so to speak, I am not going to ignore you any more, and that starts with trying to make you trust me again. That's why I am encouraging you to be the person you think you want to be, and by helping you look better, maybe you'll feel better about yourself. Less afraid I guess, and maybe, if I'm lucky, you'll begin to trust me again." "So...you're not, you wouldn't be...angry? If I said that I wanted to be a girl? A real girl?" "No dear, I wouldn't be angry. I don't understand why you feel this way, and for the life of me I can't see why you would want to be a woman, but obviously you do, or think you do, and I doubt that I could change that, could I?" I shook my head no. "And if that's the case, then maybe the best way for us to start trusting each other again is for you to let me help you become the girl you seem to want to be! I said all this before, but it's true Susan, you have to believe me. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you!" "I'm going up to try on my stuff, is that alright?" "Can I come too? I want to see how everything fits." Mom was surprised not to see any lump, but she didn't say anything as I turned around and pulled on the new panties, then the bra, filling it with my breast forms. Since it was a "plain Jane" style, there wasn't any cleavage, but it was comfortable. The skirts I tried on were all short like I expected, just above or a bit more than my knees, while the sheath dress was at mid thigh. The one she picked out was at my knees. All the blouses fit better, and all the shoes were a better quality than the ones I had bought. I wore the tan and white plaid skirt with a white ribbed pullover top when we left my room. Mom called out for pizza, giving me the choice to pick it up or have it delivered. I went to get it. I knew that I could get by as a girl, and began to see that as long as I wasn't nervous, nobody else probably would be, and boldly walked into the pizza shop, paid for it, and left, all without any trouble. My mom and I had reached a new level of understanding, and I began to see just how tormented she was about what she saw as her ignoring me. "Brrrrring!" "I'll get it mom!" It was Jeff! "Oh! Hi! I'll get mom." "Hello Susan," he said, just as mom walked up. We shared the pizza, then I went to my room so mom could have some privacy, but I knew that I had screwed up. I had called mom, "mom", and Jeff heard it. It was late when he left, and the next day I was back in school as myself. Each day I would go home and try different hair styles, makeup, or maybe different combinations of the clothes I had, and each morning I would be back in school as a boy. Except on the weekends. Then I was a girl again, for two glorious days. Mom never pushed me to go anywhere and I did not volunteer, but if it happened, I would go out, do whatever errand, and go home. As the number of times I was going out began to grow, I became more aware of what I needed to do, and started practicing how I walked and so on. Jeff started to become a more regular visitor, and as mom's mood lightened, she began to smile and laugh more, which naturally made me feel better. The weeks ticked by quickly, and as the time got closer to when Max would be released, I urged mom to get a restraining order, which she did. I had changed into a skirt and blouse, my hair and makeup were done, and I had the list in my hand ready to leave when the back door crashed open. Max stood there staring at me, his eyes wide, both fists balled up. He took one step towards me and I backed into the familyroom, never letting my eyes leave him. "So! You are the faggot I thought you were! Come here bitch! I'll show you how a man treats a lady!" Without warning I picked up the phone and hit the autodial, connecting me with the police, but never got as chance to say a word. Max was right on me in an instant. He hit me hard with a right and I stumbled backwards, dropping the phone. He charged, but I darted sideways and he ran into the stereo cabinet, breaking the glass. I spun around and hit him as hard as I could in the kidneys which made him falter, but he was up quickly, and ready to charge again. Because I had a pleated skirt on I wasn't hindered in moving, and was able to duck him once again, but by then, he was enraged. His next punch caught me on the side of the head, making me dizzy, but he followed that with a punch to the gut, and that dropped me to the floor. As he stood over me I looked up into the eyes of a man out of control. Rolled into a ball, he pushed me on my back, which is when I saw my chance. I lashed out with a kick as hard as I could, striking him perfectly in the crotch. As he doubled over gasping for breath, I slithered away, making it to the kitchen just as the police came charging in the front door. Not being the brightest bulb in the pack, Max smacked the one cop in the mouth, and the other one hit him with mace. It didn't seem to bother Max, and he roared again, charging both cops at the same time. Unfortunately for Max, two more cops had come in, and after getting his undivided attention with a baton, they managed to handcuff him. As they dragged his sorry ass to the police car, one of the cops called for the medics to see how I was. I could barely move, so there wasn't any way for me to go change; all I could do was lay there and wonder how far up the flames would reach when my friends found out how I was dressed. The two female medics checked me out, which is when the brunette discovered that I wasn't a girl. Expecting a different reaction, she shoved my skirt down, whispered in the other ones ear, and not one word was said. They carted me to the hospital, and as I was moved to an examining table, I saw the brunette talking to the doctor. I could guess what was being said. The doctor was very efficient, and after a closed curtain examination... "Three broken ribs, a broken nose, a lump on your head the size of an egg and numerous bruises. I hope you gave him back what he gave you!" "I hope I crushed his gonads doc, I tried real hard." "There doesn't seem to be any concussion, and the rest will heal up okay. You'll stay a few days so we can watch you, but my guess is that you'll be fine." "Can I go home instead? I mean..." "Because you're not really a girl?" "Yeah." "I'm not judging you, as far as I know you were going to a costume party. How you're dressed does not affect my treatment. You need to stay, so..." "Susan! My God! What happened? Did Max do this to you?" "He came home, saw me, and went crazy mom. He...he..." "This fellow Max beat her badly. We're going to keep her for a few days to make sure there aren't any lingering problems." "Can I talk to her...alone?" mom asked. When the doctor left..."Susan, I'm so sorry! I should have been there!" I started to talk when mom took my hand. "Honey, when I got home there were reporters all over the place. I can't say for sure, but I'll bet they have the whole story by now. You know what that means?" "I'm trashed mom! I'll be...I can't go..." "One thing at a time honey. Lets get you all fixed up, and when we get home we'll talk about it." I was admitted to the hospital after mom undressed me and washed off the makeup. She took my clothes while I was given one of those hospital gowns that don't fit anybody. Four days later I was released and went home wearing jeans and a tee, but I had read the paper every day, and I knew that I was done for. The reporter, who had never once seen me, wrote that I was "prancing around dressed as a girl, wearing provocative clothing". He also had a side bar on drag bars, wondering in print if that's what I wanted to do. He said that I was sexually enticing Max to the point of violence when I would not comply with his demands, after I had "flaunted" myself. Mom had called our lawyer who complained to the paper, but they decided not to retract anything. Once I was in the house I carefully sat on the couch, then started to cry. It was almost a week before I could move with any degree of painless effort, and with all the newspaper coverage, that meant that some, or maybe most of the kids in school, knew that I had been dressed as a girl. I was facing a very tough time in school and I knew it. With no way to win, I became despondent and wanted to end my rapidly escalating miserable life. One friend did stop by. One. Pickles. He got that nickname because he made the best homemade pickles anywhere by the way. "Rumors has it that you stomped that guy pretty good." "I protected myself Pick." "Is it true? That you were dressed as a girl?" "With nothing to lose..."Yeah, but all the rest of that crap that was in the paper is just that! Crap!" "I figured. So do some of the other kids." "I wasn't...flirting Pick! I wasn't! He's my step father! He just went crazy when he saw me, that's all!" "It's going to be hard...going back I mean; the rumors will be...ugly." "Yeah, I know, but what can I do? It's all wrong, but how do I get them to retract it? They already said they wouldn't!" "Maybe you should try something else then." "What?" "Just think about it. Think...out of the box so to speak." "Get us a couple of sodas, will you Pick?" When he was gone it came to me, but there wasn't any way! NO! He handed me a soda, then sat across from me, his face placid. "I can't Pick!" "What?" "What you suggested!" "I didn't say a word! All I said was for to consider all of your options. I can help, so whatever you decide, let me know. In the meantime I'll do what I can to clear up some of the rumors." Pickles stayed about an hour, then left after he told me once again to consider all of my options. Mom and Jeff showed up together, along with a guy I didn't know. Jeff didn't seem surprised to find out I wasn't a girl, making sure I was alright before he introduced the other guy. "This is a friend of mine. Mike specializes in libel, slander and defamation cases. He has won against the paper three times already. I brought him along to listen to what you have to say. You're mother and I have some errands to run, so we'll leave the two of you alone for a few hours." "Is that okay honey?" mom asked. "Yeah. I'm fine mom." After they left, Mike turned on a tape recorder, and had me relate the entire incident; then he wanted me to talk about when I started dressing up, how many times I went out, where and with whom. It took three hours, and at the end I felt as if I had been raped. Even if he were a lawyer and could not divulge what I told him, the fact remained that there was a tape of my entire life dressing as a girl, and it was in my own voice. "They're going to lose this one, I promise you that much," he said softly. "My sister used to be my brother, so I am familiar with the dynamics you're going through. What you do is not sexual, it's emotional, and I'm going to prove it in court unless they pay you some seriously big money and retract everything. Okay?" "I still have to go back to school, on Monday. "I'll be lucky if I'm not beat up again by some of the guys!" "Then maybe we should think of something that will dispel the rumors once and for all." "Like what?" I asked. "Like maybe, if the person they see isn't a boy that likes to be a girl." "But who would....you mean that I should go back as a girl? Are you nuts!?" "You would think so wouldn't you? But in the law there is a regulation that requires the schools to accept all students regardless of their orientation, which means the school simply doesn't have a choice. They have to let you return, dressed as a girl if you want, and on top of that, they have to protect you." "Only in the school. Once I step outside I'm fair game, and wearing a dress would be like wearing a sign!" "It's your choice of course," he said, "but I know for a fact that they already have a precedent for this." "Your...sister?" "Just think about it, but let me know if that's what you're going to do so I can be there." I had four full days before I would have to face my classmates. Four days in which I had to decide what to do, but no matter what I did, it was going to be bad. Jeff encouraged me to be myself, whatever that was, while mom said that whatever I decided, she would back me up. Pickles stopped by again, only he brought his sister with him. Janet wasn't like Pick in any way. She was gorgeous. He was merely hairy. Big and hairy. "So!" Janet said. "Pick tells me the papers are full of crap!" "It wasn't anything like they said Janet!" "Calm down! I believe you! It's just that, well, a lot of the kids are wondering what you look like as a girl, and I think that once they do, all the rumors will go away!" "I'll think about it Janet, but that's all! No promises." "Good enough. But if you decide to do it, call me will you? Me or Pick?" "Sure." It was a torturous four days, but in the end, as I stood in front of the mirror I still had my doubts. My hair was brushed out, I had clean clothes on, and I was as ready as I was going to get. Still wearing the bandages, I walked into the school and to my first class without anyone saying anything. Until first break. "Hey! Faggot! Hey! You want to do me next?" Ignoring him, I walked down the hall way to my next class. What I didn't see but heard about later was Fred taking the wind out of my tormentors sails with a rabbit punch in the gut. At lunch I sat alone, figuring that's how it was going to be, but... "Decided to chicken out huh?" "What?" "You decided not to come back as the girl." "Yeah. I couldn't do it Janet." "Maybe you should think about that some more." "What are you trying to tell me Janet?" "That it might not be as bad as you think. The girls aren't real sure about it, but they'll cope with it better than the boys, and even then most of the boys don't care, or they're curious, but there aren't many that are willing to risk having the goon squad after them." "Pick?" "And Fred, Harold, and Bobby. The word is out that if any harm comes to you they'll be very unhappy." "But those guys are usually..." "Except that Pick and Fred both like you, and between them they don't have one whole nasty bone between them. The other kids think they do, so they usually pay attention to them. Did you know that Fred dropped some kid in the hallway this morning?" "NO! What for? Was it that kid that called me a faggot?" "I guess, he wouldn't say. All I'm telling you is that when you leave tonight, leave with Pick. He'll be at the South door. Okay?" That afternoon both Fred and Pick were waiting for me. Fred told me that unless I showed up as a girl the next day, he would take me home and make me change! "Let's just cut through the fog here! What do you call yourself as a girl?" "Su...Susan," I said meekly. "Okay then! Tomorrow we want to see Susan standing here. Lets just see how good you really are, if you really want to be a girl, or are you just one of those freaks that likes to play with women's clothes?" The challenge was there, all I had to do was take it. I called the lawyer the minute I got home. What I heard and what was said however was different. I heard "if you really want to be a girl". What Pick meant was, was I strong enough to be a girl, regardless of what anyone said. Did I have the courage to defy social logic. By the time I got home I was still buried in self doubt, my bandaged wounds reminding me that people still could not accept someone that is different. Yet going to school dressed as a girl was what I always wanted, even though it was a long held fantasy that just could not happen. When I mentioned it to mom over dinner that night she told me that I had only two choices. One, be myself, and if that meant being a girl then I should do it, or two, continue to bathe myself in doubt and self incrimination, hating myself every day for not being myself. A double edged sword that cut both ways, yet never quite sliced the bread so to speak. Either way, I was going to be skewered. Doubt or fear, exhilaration or pain, both sharing one side or the other of the sword. "Call Mike" I told mom, then went to my room. If I were going to be beaten, I was going to go down in flames in style. I was going back to school the next day as Susan. I spent the rest of the night getting ready, both physically as well as emotionally. I put out my clothes, set the alarm, and went to bed hoping that my friends were right. Committed, I didn't hesitate the next morning and got dressed, wearing a skirt and blouse, pantyhose and flats. The waist nipper actually helped my ribs, while the makeup helped me emotionally. I left my hair down, using only hair clips to hold it back. No perfume, and merely pale lipstick. Mom hugged me before I left the house, telling me she would only be a page away. Max was sitting in jail after having assaulted two of the four cops sent to arrest him, unable to raise bail. He tried to use the house for collateral, claiming privilege because he and mom were married, but the house was in my name, not hers, and thus, he had no claim on it! I didn't even know that until mom told me! It seems that after my own dad left, mom put the house in my name to protect it. If she got married again nobody could take it! His trial was almost two months away, and he was going to sit in jail because he couldn't raise the bail. My mind was a clutter of conflicting emotions, and by the time I reached the school I was overheated. I sat there a moment, then I breathed deeply, grabbed my purse and books, then got out and locked the car. Other kids were filing in, none paying the slightest attention to me, which bolstered my ego a little. Following them inside, instead of going to class, I went straight to the office. Mike was there along with the Principal, Vice Principal, and two teachers. I was quickly ushered into the office. "Please sit down," the Principal said. Once we were all seated, "I wondered how long it was going to take you to show up this way. The newspaper has painted you as a boy of doubtful reasoning." "We are currently addressing the issue of those newspaper accounts," Mike told her, "and they will retract every word of their account, I promise you that much!" "I'm sure," she retorted. "But the fact remains that we are now faced with the fact that a male student wishes to attend this school as a girl. I'm sure that your attorney has explained to you that we are obligated to protect you, which we will do to our best ability of course, but outside this building we are not responsible. Given the fact that you have already suffered quite a bit, I'm wondering if this is really what you want to do! What I mean is, if this is only for a few days, it might only enflame an already sensitive issue." "This is not a few day thing sir." "So, you intend to become a girl for the rest of this year and all of the next?" "Yes sir," I told him firmly. "I just can't take snide remarks any more. Maybe, if they see me, they'll see that I'm just like everyone else." "The girls you mean?" "Yes sir." "Alright then, as soon as you fill out these forms, I'll get you a new ID card and you may go to class. I'll notify all of your teachers." Mike said it was okay, so I filled out the paperwork, got my new ID, and started to leave when the Principal wished me luck. Since it was so close to my second class, I waited in the office for the bell to ring before I walked out in the hallway. I made it to class and sat in my normal seat, which is when the whispers started. The teacher looked right at me, then started the class. She did not ask my name, nor did she call on me. She also put an end to the whispers, but it was just the beginning and I knew it. Just before lunch I went to my locker, only to be confronted by three girls. "So you decided to ruin yourself! Well, you still look like a boy in a dress!" "Stay away from the guys," another said. As they walked off I was ready to run and hide, but that would mean that I had something to be afraid of, which I did, but I couldn't admit that to anyone, and swallowed what I was going to say. Lots of kids stared at me, some saying nothing, some making a remark, and some just stunned. At lunch I found a table and sat down, once again alone, until I felt a hand on my shoulder. Looking up I saw it was Harold. "Hey," he said. "Lookin' good there girl!" "Thanks Harold." "Pick and a few other will be here in a minute. They're in the lunch line." Janet sat next to me, her best friend Natalie next to her, Pick on the other side of me with Fred across. "Looks to me like you'll have to start working harder to be the hot one around here Janet!" "Fred, you're so full of it!" "Think so? See how Susan looks right now? What about a month from now? Two months from now, when she isn't so scared? You're in trouble!" "Quit teasing her," Harold said suddenly and with a touch of anger. "Who?" "Never mind Fred, just cut it out!" "Ohoh! I think Harold has something for somebody!" "So..." Natalie said, "is this it? What I mean is, is this how you're going to be from now on? A girl?" "Once I came inside I didn't have a choice," I told her, "so yes. This is it. What you see is all there is." "I'll meet you at the South door Susan. I'll walk you to your car; just to be safe that is." Everyone including me looked at Harold with wide eyes. That's when we all knew who he was talking about. It was me! I saw Janet look at Natalie, Pick and Fred traded glances, but didn't know what to do! If he was just trying to protect me, fine, but if it was something else, well, I didn't want to think of what that might mean! The rest of the day was uneventful, the newness of seeing me dressed as a girl had started to wear off. Harold was at the door, just like he promised, walking me to my car and making sure I was on my way before he left. Watching him in the rear view mirror I saw him start walking towards the sidewalk, which meant he was on foot, so I turned around. "Want a ride sailor?" Grinning he got in the car, and I took him home. By the time I got home I really needed a shower, so I went to my room, stripped, and got under the warm water. After I changed clothes, mom and I talked about my day, how I felt, how it went and so on. She never really wanted me to become a girl, that much I knew, but she didn't give me any indication that she hated it. If anything, she was more blas? than anything. As long as I was doing okay, I guessed that she probably wasn't going to interfere. The rest of the week I did my best to be the girl that I looked like, and by Friday afternoon most of the remarks had died down, and that's when Harold asked me to take him home again. As I dropped him off at home, he said... "Susan, you're the bravest person I know, and the best looking girl besides. Thanks for the ride!" His telling me that I was pretty boosted my ego while at the same time caused me to wonder if he said that just to make me feel good, or was there more to it? The next week and the week after were still tense, but as the days became weeks then months, I began to feel as if my transition from boy to girl was going fine. Nobody bothered to hassle me any more, and while my circle of friends remained small, a few others had started to join in with us. Mom and I had increased my wardrobe a little, I had been to the beauty shop once, and I sported new nails, but other than that, I still used the padding and breast forms. The week before Max's trial I had to visit with the prosecutor to go over my statement. I took Mike with me when I went, and at his urging, I wore a suit. The soft tan color was perfect for my skin tone, and I liked the way it looked, especially with the knee length skirt and heels. The woman was totally surprised to see me dressed as a girl, but she recovered nicely, and as we went through my statement, her questions got more and more pointed. Asking me how I was dressed that day, did I ever flirt with Max at any time, stuff like that. Then she asked me if I had a boyfriend! "The defense has submitted evidence that you do have a boyfriend. His name is...Harold? "Harold is a friend that I've known for years! Yes, he is my friend, and yes he is a boy, but he is not my boyfriend, not in the context you're using it!" "They have pictures. Look at these." Six photographs of Harold and I together, in the car, dropping him off, him bending in through the window and me smiling. They were all taken when I dropped him off at home! I made it clear that other than taking him home, we had zero contact, and I wasn't looking for, or expecting any. The trial was just as nasty as she told me it would be, but all four police officers and the two medics all testified that I was wearing a skirt and blouse with ankle socks and gym shoes, with very little makeup. That threw his contention that I was all made up like a tart right out the window. During the trial I wore the same suit, the tan one, and sat with both feet on the floor at all times. Both my hair and nails had been done, and there wasn't one stray hair anywhere. The pictures were refuted by myself and Harold together, plus we had Pickles, Janet and Natalie to support our statements. In the end Max was convicted of assault on a police officer, three counts, assaulting me, resisting arrest, violation of the restraining order, and carrying a concealed weapon without a permit. In the end he was sent away for 12 and a half to 23 years. But the very best of all was when he saw me all dressed up for court. The look on his face was priceless. I had no idea that it was going to happen, but Mike told me to stay put, and in walked that reporter who sat with the three lawyers from the paper. After reviewing all of the articles and having already heard the statements from the police and medics, the judge wasn't the least bit kind to the reporter. "Your attorneys have heard all the testimony we did. Do you have anything to say?" "No sir. I stand on my rights under the Fourth Amendment." "You have an obligation to gather and report the news in a fair an balanced manner, and your obvious disregard for the truth is not covered under the amendment. Your slander of this girl is the very worst kind of reporting that I have ever encountered. You let your own personal feelings interfere with the truth, and that is also not covered under any amendment. This child has had to face trauma that I wouldn't wish on anyone sir!" The judge was almost at full roar by then! "It has been proven to my satisfaction that not only did you disregard the truth, you also failed to substantiate one word of this diatribe you call reporting! Because of this, I am ordering a full retraction to be printed within two days, in the same type face and size, in the same location, which was the front page I believe. You will also remit to her all costs related to this incident in triple. As for the pain and suffering she has gone through, I am awarding her $100,000." With that the lawyers made an instant appeal to the judge, but they were wrong and they knew it, so they did not make a really big fuss after the judge essentially told them to pound sand. When mom, Mike, and I walked out of the court room, the media had once again descended on me. I never said a word, letting Mike take care of that. He laid the blame for the entire incident on Max and that reporter, but the reporter really took it big time, especially after all the true facts of my tussle with Max were made public. As mom and I watched the news that night and listened to the commentary, every one was on my side in the debacle. Some even suggested that the reporter left me virtually no route except to actually start dressing like a girl! We got a lot of calls, but let voice mail take them, only answering my cell phone because so few people had the number. My picture was all over the news that night, and the next day when the paper printed the retraction, they also printed pictures taken of me in court as well as pictures from the night of the attack. It was almost more than I could bear. I didn't want to be a symbol, a martyr, a speaker, or an issue, all I wanted was to become a girl. I never wanted, and hated the idea, that everything that I was had been plastered all over the news. The school sent over a shrink who tried to talk me out of being a girl, until mom threw him out, then of course we were inundated by clerics of all stripes that wanted to "save my soul", but my soul was fine, and we quit talking to them too. Hate mail along with letters of support poured in, and I read each one. As I heard all the news and read all mail, I began to get angry, so angry that my determination became set. There was no way that I was going to quit, not after having endured so much for so long! Janet, Natalie, Fred, and Pickles showed up two days later, and brought along someone else. "Susan," Pick said softly, "we grew up together, right? I loved you like a brother then, like a sister now I guess. I think that I'm your best friend, but you never once told me about this! That made me a little angry when I found out, since it was like you didn't trust me! I think I understand why you didn't tell me, and Janet said that it was so personal that maybe you couldn't; I guess I can accept that. But, since you have made no move to do anything but be yourself, even after we all knew about you, we have decided that it's time that you got out of this house, so all six of us are going out! You know Matt, right? Well, he's your escort for this afternoon, so go get ready to party. You have about an hour." "But I can't....you heard what they tried to do to Harold! What if..." "Come on girl, Natalie and I will help you," Janet said as she took my arm. "You go with the girls," mom said, "I have a few things to do anyway, and it's time you got out of the house." I didn't have a choice as Janet, Natalie, and I went to my room. Natalie opened the closet door and within minutes picked out the dress. When she showed it to me I did not recognize it, which had to mean that mom had bought it and hid it in my closet! "Your mom said that you know how to make cleavage, so lets get you undressed so we can turn you into the plain fox that we all know you can be!" When I didn't move, "Come on Susan, it's just us girls here, so strip!" As I slipped off my blouse and jeans, Janet was busy behind me, letting me have at least some privacy. Then she unfastened my bra, spun me around, and put out her hands, taking a breast form in each one! "Your mom asked us to help her pick all this stuff out Susan, and I just know that you're going to like what we have. Look here." Natalie had two brand new breast forms in her hands! "Now, all we do is clean your chest with this...." Twenty minutes later I had a pair of breasts that looked as real as any I had seen, and they were glued to my chest! I washed off my makeup and let the two of them do it after I first put on the foundation and powder. Natalie was clearly good at it, so I just sat there watching as she made me look better than I thought possible. Janet fixed my hair into a curly mass that was fluffier than I usually managed to do, then it was time to get dressed. After I put on a bra, the waist nipper and some pantyhose, I slipped the dress over my head while Janet zipped it up. I stepped into the new heels and looked in the mirror. The dress was white with two shoulder straps, a sheath dress that had a hemline above my knees about two fingers worth. Natalie handed me the lipstick, then started to get undressed! She got down to her bra and panties when Janet also started to undress, and as I watched, they both changed clothes, wearing dresses identical to mine! Smirking, Janet did their hair like mine, and Natalie matched my makeup, so in the end, we all looked alike! "What's going on? Why..." "We just think it's time that you quit moping around, and this is our way of showing you that we support you! Now, put theses earrings on while I fasten the necklace, and when we're ready we can go." When we were ready, Natalie handed me a white purse, opened the door, and led the way all through the house and right out the front door. Her father was waiting for us! He drove us across town and into a suburb, following the winding streets until he reached our destination. As soon as he pulled up to the door, Matt walked out with Fred and Pickles, opened the door and took my hand. Pick and Natalie, Fred and Janet followed us as Matt led us deeper into the building until we reached the dining hall. All the guys stood up when we approached, but right then... "You! You're the one! You're the boy that thinks he's a girl!" The guy reached out and grabbed my arm, but Matt stepped between us. "This child...you're all corrupting him by letting him do this...this...I cannot stand by while you..." It was happening all over again! My heart sank when I realized that no matter where I went I would have to face people like the guy ranting. The more he ranted the madder I got, and while Matt and Pick were trying to make him go away, he managed to stay close enough, too close maybe. Then I finally blew my stack. "Stop it! Stop!" I yelled at the guy. "No matter what you think, I am a girl and nothing is going to change that! No go away and quit bothering me! I'm a girl dammit!" He stopped instantly, visibly relaxed, then grinned! I looked around and saw everyone smiling. "What's going on here?" I demanded. "Well," Pick said, "it's like this. You always did your best to look like a girl, and you even tried to act like a girl. While I can't say I understand why you want to do this, I'm your friend, so I have the right to say what's on my mind. All this time you've never once told anyone, not even me, that you're a girl, until now. And now that you have, I think it's time that you started acting like a grown up girl instead of some scared little girl!" Pick walked right up to me, almost nose to nose. "Tell me. Are you really a girl, or are you still that guy I used know, but wearing a dress?" I didn't say anything for a moment. "Well?" he asked me. "Are you a girl or not?" "Yes," I said, "I'm a girl." "Good! Now that we have that settled..." Turning, he waved, and in walked Harold. He was holding at least two dozen roses, which he handed to me, then leaned over and kissed me, right on the lips! Everyone hooted at that, but Harold didn't flinch, taking my hand in his. Music started, and he tugged me towards the dance floor. I handed the flowers to mom, then let Harold take me into his arms as we started a very slow dance. He didn't say a word until we had moved away from the table a bit. "I think it's time that you accept the fact that I think you're terrific Susan, and I want to spend more time with you, just you and I." "Harold, I..." "Didn't you just tell everyone that you're a girl? See that guy over there? The one that was yelling at you? That's my brother. He... provoked you because I asked him to. So, how about it? Can we maybe be better friends?" It was a setup, and just like they planned, I said that I was a girl, which was exactly what Harold wanted, because he wanted to ask me out, but until I said that I was really a girl, he didn't feel safe enough to ask me! I found out later that mom had helped plan the party as a way of helping me cope with all of the major changes in my life. By the time we left for home, Harold and I had danced a lot, and that's when he told me that he didn't care what other people might say, as long as I believed that I was a girl. That afternoon was another turning point on my road to womanhood, the point when my friends and family told me to get off my butt and be the girl I knew I was. I could have done without all the drama along this road I've taken, but I might still be in the closet, hiding from myself as well as everyone else. Things happen in life we have no control over, but being thrust into the light as the girl I always felt I was, turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me, but I certainly hope it never happens to you.