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Stray thoughts Note- this is not a story, just some stray thought of wanting to be a girl, and the journey so far/autobio It's a strange life. Being born a male, yet like dressing as a girl. Its like being stuck in some gray area.... Not knowing really who I am what I'm supposed to do. I wish gender didn't matter and it was all fluid and we can wear anything we liked. My early 4-5 year old I remember being asked when playing house to try being the wife. It was my 1st time I remember I wanted to dress as a gurl, yet I didn't do since it seemed embarrassing and not right. Yet from there I knew something about me was different. I remember a mini mouse blue and white dress, that I should wear to play the wife.... It was soo arrousing thinking of wearing the dress, yet I didn't do. Then during my childhood I remember going thru some old clothes and finding skirts and a girlish dress, wearing it now and then. i dressed less in my early years as a child, then stopped dressing between 12-18 years old thinking I can break away from it. But it was always there, the urge to dress in girls clothes, never went away. I remember at 18 in between high school and college I needed to take a stressful driving test, to get my license. I was so stressed I remember seeing a bag with used clothes, in it was a silky Green Party dress. I needed release from the stress so came and quietly in my room put on the dress. It made me so alive, the feeling of the silky of the dress, and the restricting skirt, while I discovered myself...I came for the 1st time I recall.... That was the 1st time I remember. From there I starting to dress more. Going to goodwill during college breaks to pickup some dresses or try on a wedding dress. There was a time I explored much more of my femininity in my late 20's early 30's. Going out dressed en femme, shopping shopping =), going to club dances, meeting other sisters like me, goin to various meetups and parades dressed. It was a alive exp. Then something happened and stopped exploring, a failed encounter with a guy one night in a bar, made me think I wasn't up to being a gurl since of rejection. Somehow that stopped me,.... Leaving me in a gray area... failed as a man, failed as a girl. I still dress, but Now I'm more man than girl for now since of work life and fam. During exploration in my early 30's I felt more gurl than boy for those 1-2 years. Now in my mid/ate 30's I just feel lazy and fat and big, losing interest in many things, except the dream of being feminine. Dressing girly from the privacy of my appt. It feels like life can be cylindrical, you have ups and downs. Hope to work in being more of a girl soon. I see it sometimes when I look in my face the feminine, but needs to be brought out more. Fam is another sticky point, to tell them, especially that'll let them down, I told various past friends before, and were accepting. But being the only child this would cause a lot of pain for my parents if I tell. I still dream of being the girl I hope to be one day, being fully able to accept and live fem, and possibly have a strong b/f that understands and can make me feel fem of myself. =). here's to hope and courage for the self.

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