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Woman Janet L. Stickney [email protected] When it happened, all I could do was lay there as they did it. I couldn't move a muscle, the drugs making me lay perfectly still. I was barely awake, I could hear them talking, I saw the flash of medical instruments once in a while, but other than that, nothing. Everything I used to define myself was being removed, replaced with what the doctor told me would also be fully functional, but I would be a woman, not a man. It was not the only remedy of course; I had discussed it with the doctor at great length before I eventually agreed. As a Eunuch, I had no chance at all for any kind of sexual life, but letting the doctor do what he was doing, and even while living as a male, I could...well, do it if I wanted to. When I was rolled out of the operating room my sister and mother were waiting for me. I was in the hospital for two weeks, then sent home to complete the healing process there. Being completely aware of my circumstances, I never let anyone see me naked, especially when I had to insert or remove the internal form I had to use. I had been asleep in the car, my girlfriend driving, when some fool came to a screeching halt to avoid a cat or something. There was a truck full of those rods they use in concrete coming the other way, and when he slammed on his brakes to avoid the car in front of us, a bundle of those rods came loose, and after breaking the chains, slid from the truck, hit the top of the car in front of us, then burst apart and flew in a long arc that pierced the windshield of our car. Joyce was hit four times, twice in the chest, once in her shoulder, and once in her leg. I was hit in the right upper shoulder with a single rod, but four rods, still loosely tied together, were deflected downward after striking the upper windshield frame, and struck me directly in the manlies. I also took one in the lower lobe of my kidney and one in the middle of my chest. I woke up in the hospital, a doctor standing there waiting. After I regained awareness, he quickly summed up what had happened in cold clinical terms. Getting hit in the manlies was not the worst. It was the injury to my kidney, however he told me that they had managed to sew things up and his idea was that the the prognosis for a complete recovery should be very good. Then he told me about the rest. The rod that hit my chest went straight through me, bruising my lungs and missing my spine, but luckily it did not hit my heart, and while I would be really sore, I would heal up. Then he got to the rest of it. Since I had been out cold I had no idea what he was about to tell me, and I went into shock as he detailed my injuries. He went into what options I had, then the kind of reconstruction that might be available, if I did not wait to long. According to him, due to what had to be removed to save my life, no matter what else happened, including the use of a penile pump, I would never achieve any erection beyond two inches, if that, with absolutely no feeling of any kind, and I could forget fathering children. According to him, what had been left of my manhood had already been surgically stabilized, but I didn't have a lot of time to decide what I wanted to do. That's when he started explaining the few alternatives I had, and having a vagina created only one of a very few, but as we talked, it became clear that it was his idea that it was the best option, given the damage and amount of tissue he had salvaged. Joyce had been very seriously injured as well, and hung to life with a tenuous will, but the doctor told me that she would eventually heal up and be okay, although she would probably suffer a minor limp for the rest of her life. Apparently, the rod that struck her leg severed some nerves as well as the bone and tore apart a lot of muscle. Between her injuries and mine, I fell into a deep depression, especially after the doctor explained all of my options, and made his recommendation. Every vision, all of my dreams, had been shattered at the moment of the accident. I didn't want a...pussy! I wanted to be a man, a father, maybe a lover, but those options were all gone in a single blink of fate. It took two whole days for me to gather the nerve to sign the papers, saving my life the only thing left on my mind. I wanted to end it, but my mother always told me that she would be there for me, and she proved it every day by her actions and words. She was the one that gently, and firmly, helped me see that life was still worth living, even if I were a woman, which is when I signed the papers. I had the surgery that night, then, after two weeks in the hospital, I was sent home. I felt out of place as I struggled to learn the simplest things. I had to endure a new learning curve as I had to cope with various things all women learn as little girls. My mom was there to help me, yet I was embarrassed for her to see me like that. I was half a man learning to take care of myself like a woman does, and I absolutely hated every minute of it. But she was nothing if not stern with me whenever I resisted her help, and in the end, I had no choice but to let my mother help me. Sex with Joyce, or any other woman for that matter, and myself, as a man, was over, and I had no choice but to accept that. After Joyce was released from the hospital, the number of times we were together grew far apart and became very rare. She was in therapy and I was ashamed of what had become of me. Part of her pain came from her taking full responsibility for my injuries, another part of it was that she knew what had become of me. Having dated since we were in high school, her denial of my friendship drove me deeper into an almost unshakable depression. Most of my depression came from my loss, but part of it was driven by what was happening, the response my body was having due to the lack of male hormones being produced. After six full months of trying to cope with the changes, I was getting a little fat, and a small puffiness started to grow on my chest. My sister laughingly called them my "baby boobs" as a joke, which didn't thrill me, but then again, maybe she was right. That's when my doctor and I had a heart to heart talk. My lack of a sex life, Joyce's total disinterest in me, and her own depression all combined to make me feel even worse. Unable to achieve some sort of relief, plus my changing body were all very serious concerns that weighted heavily on me. When the doctor said it during my last visit, I was shocked of course, but it was obvious, even to me, that he might be right. I told mom, but not my dad, because as manly as he was, I knew that he would take it worse than me, and I could barely think about it. A week later I saw Joyce with another guy, and knew that she had found someone else, a real man, someone that could satisfy her as I would never be able to do again. I was miserable and heart broken, but I understood. I wasn't a man, and she was a healthy adult female. About three days later we talked on the phone, both knowing that our relationship was over. I sulked a bit of course, stayed inside a lot, and shut out my friends. When I was injured I lost more than a body part, I had lost my self esteem, my sense of purpose, the role I had been raised to become. My natural place in society had been stolen, my dreams shattered. I took careful stock of my situation, including the way I looked. I was twenty five pounds overweight, my hair had become nothing more than a straggly uncut mess, I did in fact have small boobs and no manhood. I cried for two days after that, unable to accept what had become of myself, and considered suicide. I waited until I was alone in the house, then I took the pistol from the locked box in dad's office, loaded it, and sat naked on the bed, ready to end what could only be a long and very lonely life of desperation, depression, and despair. I sat there like that for a while, and decided to make one last call, just so someone would come haul my carcass away. I called my mother on her cell phone. The phone rang twice, three times, then four, and I was about to hang up when she picked up. "Mom?" I said through the sobs, "this is Stephen. I can't take it any more! I'm...I'm going to...my life is a wreck mom! I can't...it's so...I feel like...I've lost everything! I'm going to...go away. Can you come over in about an hour?" "Stephen! You listen to me!" Somehow, she had sensed something terribly wrong! "Don't you dare do anything until I get there! Understand?!" "Mom, I..." I started to cry again, which is why my mother left the connection open, but I didn't know that, so I hung on, waiting for her to say something. My hand went numb from holding the phone so long, but I didn't care. I would be totally numb in a bit anyway. I was a freak in a society where being a freak meant that people laughed at you. My other hand slipped between my legs, feeling what I had become, then in a fit of anger, I threw the phone at the wall. Just as it bounced and hit the bed, my parents came rushing into the room. My father grabbed the gun, placing his finger between the hammer and the bullet, then took it away from me with almost no effort while I curled into a ball sobbing. I heard the door shut as mom reached over to stroke my hair, then she made me look at her. Those soft blue eyes of hers locked on mine, reaching deep into the well of love I had for her. I sat up and grabbed her, hugging her tightly as I once again broke into uncontrollable sobs. She held me without saying anything, waiting until I had exhausted my tears. Without a word she threw some blankets over me, watching as I drifted into a dreadful sleep filled with what I saw as the horrors of my predicament. When I awoke I saw my mother sitting there watching me, a small smile on her face. She helped me up, then made me take a shower, my first in several days. The hot water revived me a little, yet the overwhelming sense that I didn't belong any more kept beating at me. Mom, never one to be shy, stepped into the bath, made sure that I shaved and washed my hair, then waited until I was out before she handed me a towel. I slipped on some jeans and a tee, then followed her into the kitchen where I saw that she had made a small breakfast. "Nobody ever told you life was fair Stephen! You were injured through no fault of your own, and while I'm sure that you think you have nothing to offer, your father and I think you do. All we have to do is work together to help you discover a new way for you to become someone that you can be proud of!" "As what mother? I sideshow freak?" "No. As a woman." I was so shocked that I didn't say anything, and mom just kept talking. "Think about it for a moment before you say anything. You already have...well you're equipped like a woman, and just like the doctor told you, your body is beginning to develop some roundness, and even smallish breasts. I also notice that you have lost quite a bit of body hair and your beard doesn't seem to be a thick as it was before. I know that he has already suggested this to you, so I'll bet that if you asked him, the doctor would help you, and within a short time you'll be able to have a normal healthy relationship with someone. What happened to you is terrible, but that's no reason for you to kill yourself! Think! Becoming a woman is only an option, maybe even the best one; or you can stay the way you are, but..." "Me? As a woman? Mother, either you have gone blind or crazy! Me? A woman? Look at me! I would be able to win the ugliest broad contest in a heartbeat!" "Oh, I doubt that, think about how your sister looks. She's quite pretty, and there is no reason to suggest that you won't be just as pretty!" "Mom I..." "Rather than sit here telling me it cannot be done, why don't we try it, at least once? That way you can see for yourself before you do something else stupid! But before we go any further, I am telling you that suicide is not the answer, it never was! If you cannot be a man you grew up to be, at least try this! Maybe you'll have a better outlook on life when we're done." "Just one time? Just you and I? I don't want anyone to laugh at me mom." "We'll see. In any case, nobody is going to laugh at you! Let me make a call, then you and I can figure out what you need, okay?" "I guess," I said sullenly. I just could not picture myself as a woman, at least one that wouldn't scare little children away, but mom was resolute, and since I trusted her, I agreed. Mom dragged me back in the bedroom, then started taking measurements, then she made a call that lasted for almost half an hour. A little bit later my sister showed up with a woman I had never seen before! I looked at mom who shrugged her shoulders as Beth introduced the woman. "Stephen, mom, this is James Watkins. He uses the stage name Jasmine. He is a friend of mine from high school, and I asked him to help us turn you into a beautiful woman!" I knew James Watkins! I had no idea that he was a...that he could... "Hello Stephen. Nice to see you again." Damn! Even his voice sounded like a woman's! "I know this might all be strange for you, but please, let me help you. I know a lot about turning boys into girls, more than your mother or Beth does, that's for sure!" "Can I watch?" mom asked, and got a nod from James. "I'll just wait out here I think," Beth said as she handed mom a series of bags. That's how mom, James and I ended up in my bedroom. James was all business as he set out a small but complete makeup kit first, then some rollers and other hair care stuff. He sat me in a chair, wet my hair, then started in on what I already knew was a lost cause. James was beautiful, no doubt about that, and looked every bit as normal as any woman I had ever seen. No heavy makeup, no outlandish colors, just normal. He wore a tea length skirt with a rather simple blouse and a thin shoulder sweater. His blond hair, obviously his own, was shoulder length and well cared for. He even smelled good. Once he had put about twenty rollers in my hair, he started on my face. I had no idea what he was using at first, then I saw powder and blusher, eye shadows and eyeliner, which he used, one after the other until he finally had me stand up. Mom handed me a pair of panties, so I slipped off my jeans and pulled them on. James saw that I looked like a woman, drew a deep breath, but didn't say anything as mom handed me a bra. It was tight, felt strange, and those small boobs of mine didn't fill the cups, but James grabbed a small pad, shoved one under each breast, and all at once I not only filled the cups, it looked like what I saw was all mine! After that came a beige waist nipper that drew my waist down a few inches. I had to fuss with the pantyhose to get them on, but they did feel kind of nice when I had them pulled up. With a flourish mom held out a skirt. It was red, "straight," as I remembered my sister calling that style. I took it, stepped into it, then came the blouse, which was white and looked almost like a man's shirt except for the ring of small roses embroidered on the collar and buttoning on the wrong side. The jacket, also red, fit pretty good. James sat me down again and took out the rollers, then brushed out my hair before mom pushed a pair of black heels at me. I was surprised that they fit, even more surprised when I could stand up in them! James clipped on some earrings, gave me a smallish bracelet, then stood me in front of the closet. He opened the door, and for the very first time I saw her. You could reasonably say that I was shocked. I didn't look like the ugly girl I had imagined I would be! I wasn't exactly a raving beauty, but just a normal looking girl of 21. James handed me a tube of lipstick, waiting until I finally drew it on my lips. My soft brown hair lay around my face in waves that made me look very feminine, while my breasts were not to large or small for a woman my size. The jacket tapered to accent my narrower waist while the hem of the skirt, just above my knees, displaying legs that were really not bad at all! I turned to James, then mom, not saying a word. "Stephanie! You're gorgeous! I said that you would be, and just look at you!" "She has," James said, "the perfect face for it you know; I saw that way back in high school." "You did? You thought that I would look nice as a girl way back then?!" "Honey, I was going out every weekend as a girl when I was in high school! Of course I knew back then! If I had the chance, I could have turned you into a really hot girl! I had to wait a bit, but I was right, you are really quite pretty. I didn't know what to say, but I smiled at him as he turned me to face my mother. Without a word, she took my hand, opened the bedroom door, and led me to the familyroom where my sister was waiting. Beth caught a glimpse of red, looked up, and saw me. Her mouth dropped open as she stood up and ran to me, hugging me tightly before she stood back and gave me the once over. "Damn James! I knew you were good, but did you have to make her prettier than me?" "Some people have it, some don't Beth!" After he took a gentle nudge from Beth, he took my hand in his. "Steph, listen to me. All my life I have wanted to be a woman, and I have almost done that. I work in an office during the week and perform on the weekends so that I can afford the surgery, and I can tell you that the only thing you have to worry about is you. If you feel like a woman, look like a woman, and act like a woman, then you are a woman, and everyone will accept that as the truth, even if it's a lie. What you have in your panties does not make you a woman, it only allows you to have what most people would call a normal relationship with a man. You have everything you need to be a woman except for confidence, which I hope I have been able to give you today. I'll always be available for you, all you have to do is call, okay?" I nodded my head yes, then..."You can do this if you want to, so please don't throw away your life, not when you have an opportunity like this." I hugged him, then watched as James packed up and walked out, leaving me with Beth and my mother. I was at a loss to explain how I felt. Strange of course, but in a very strange way, elated. I went to the mirror in the hallway, and stood looking at the woman there, awed by the way she looked. It wasn't so much that she looked okay, it was the fact that maybe my mother had been right. I had a way out, some way that did not leave me feeling like a freak, a man with no future. I had never before dressed as a female, and while everything I wore made me look different, completely female to be frank, it wasn't at all the way I thought it would be. "Well?" Mom asked from just behind me. "It's...I look better than I thought." "That's the only outfit I bought mom, and if Stephanie is here to stay, she'll need lots of stuff!" Mom put her hand on my shoulder and turned me so I was facing her, then asked me if I wanted to be a woman, or go back to sulking and living on the edge of suicide. Like I said, my mother was a forceful, direct woman, and did not mince her words. I was caught firmly between the obvious answer and the person I had been raised to be, yet as I peeked at myself again, I knew that there was only one answer. Deep down, I really did not want to die, and I had to admit that the woman I saw staring back at me from the mirror gave me a way out. I slowly nodded my head yes, then went to sit down. Both mom and Beth started making lists of things they said I would need to buy right away, then other lists of things that I should do right away, seeing the doctor the first thing on everyone's list. Mom and Beth both suggested that we go out, starting with a visit to see my father, which was the very last thing I wanted to do. I didn't want to tell him that I was going to become a woman. He had raised me to be a proud male, not a woman, and I wasn't sure how he would take it. When I had my accident, he could barely talk to me. My hesitation caused mom to take my hand. "He already knows honey. We all knew, or at least figured that this day would come, especially after the surgery to give you what a woman has. Realistically, there wasn't any other way for you, was there? Now, lets go see your father, and introduce him to his new daughter Stephanie." "Mom? Do I have to use the name Stephanie? I mean, it's so much like...I don't want a girls name that even hints at what I...when I was a..." "That's fine! You can call yourself anything you like! What did you have in mind?" "I don't know! I just think something different would be better, that's all!" "How about," Beth said, "Susan? It sort of flows with our last name. Susan.. Susan...Kimberly?. It sounds very feminine to me!" "Susan," I said to myself, rolling it around on my tongue for a bit, but I liked it, and said yes. That's how I became Susan. Beth was the one to find the perfect name for the woman I had yet to become. In the space of a few hours I had gone from a despondent, suicidal, totally lost crazy person to an almost attractive woman called Susan, and while I wasn't positive I could pull it off, at least I had a starting point. As I look back, I think I always knew the day would come when I would dress as a woman. After all, I had almost all the right parts, and the doctor assured me they would be in working order after I completely healed up. The problem came as I kept trying to deny what had happened to me, then the certainty that as a woman, I would scare people. That vision was shattered when I first saw the girl that James had created. That's when I had a glimmer of hope, the idea that maybe I could be a woman. At the age of 21, I still had a lot of years to go, and being a live young woman was a whole lot better than being a dead young man. The only thing was, I would have to leave the house. Before the accident I weighed 184 and stood 5'7," tall, but had ballooned up to 210 during the past months as I tore myself apart trying to come to grips with my new body. Both mom and Beth were about 125 pounds, Beth almost as tall as me, mom only a touch shorter. Standing there with them I could see how much bigger I was, and felt like a big red blimp. My sister Beth, only two years younger, had always been able to find the good in any situation, and while I was shocked that I didn't look like a total freak, she saw something else, and not being able to hold it in... "By this time three months from now, I'll have you down to what? 145 pounds? You'll look just fantastic Susan! Now let's go see dad, and let him meet his newest daughter!" I did not want to leave the house under any conditions, and resisted going anywhere, but mom, again not seeing it my way, grabbed my hand, and all at once I was not only outside for the first time in weeks, I was outside dressed as a girl! I was trembling as we walked into dad's office, our shoes clattering on the hardwood flooring, my sister on one side, mom on the other. The sound of our shoes caused my father to come and see who it was, and as we came face to face, I expected him to shun me. I was his son, but didn't look anything like I should have. We stood there for a moment, then he walked over and took me by the hands before he enveloped me in his arms. I heard him cry a little, choking it back before he stood back, his eyes still damp. "Honey," mom said, "this is Susan, and she is here to stay." "You're not mad at me are you dad? I mean..." "I just glad that you're alive! You have no idea how worried I was for you, especially after I had to...when I saw you with that gu...I'd rather have another daughter than a dead son, so lets just start there, shall we?" We walked into his office and sat down, then..."We raised," dad said, "you to have good manners, be polite, have a sense of humor, and you're smart on top of that! Personally, I don't see where wearing a dress is going to change any of that, do you? As long as you know that we'll always be here for you, that's good enough for me, and if I'm going to have another daughter, that's also fine with me!" Dad hugged me again, and I realized that he had been just as scared for me as I had been. The tumultuous, even horrendous damage to my system had almost healed, and now it was time for our family to heal and become one again. Since I knew absolutely nothing about being a girl, my sister offered help me become more like a girl and a lot less like a guy, with only one stipulation. I had to get rid of my male clothes, replacing all of them with women's clothes. It was a big step, but under pressure from both her and mom, I reluctantly agreed, and later that day Beth, mom, and I went back home. The next day I went to see my doctor, wearing that same outfit, since it was all I had. He did not hesitate to order a prescription for me, and as soon as we picked it up, I took one of the pills. I think it was due to the way I saw myself and the support I got at home that I didn't make any fuss as Beth helped me do the makeup and get dressed for the next few days. My new outlook also removed some, but not all of my resistance to going out, which is why I followed Beth out to the car without a word. Beth took us to the mall. Since I didn't even have a purse of my own, she loaned me one so that I could carry my credit cards and other stuff she said I should have, and Beth wasn't shy when it came to spending my money, believe me! Guys need briefs, socks, slacks and a shirt. Girls need everything else it seemed. I had no idea why girls needed seven colors of red shoes for example, or three or four different styles of panties! The list was endless, but Beth took mercy on me, starting with plain cotton panties, three bras, all white, all underwires and all with pushup pads built in. Slips, a robe, nightgowns, skirts, dresses, shoes, slacks, jeans, blouses, tops, pantyhose, a few purses and a camisole, all before we left that one store! I had my ears pierced because Beth told me that almost all women my age have them, then we bought some jewelry, like earrings and bracelets with some necklaces, just in case we didn't have enough to carry. Taking everything to the car, Beth told me in no uncertain terms that I needed a makeover, "real bad," to use her term, and stopped at her salon on the way home. She made the appointment for the next day, then we went in the drugstore next to the beauty shop and picked up things like a blow dryer, three different kinds of brushes, and some makeup. Not much, because neither of us wanted to spend the money until I had a makeover at the salon. Then we went home, taking everything inside. My feet were killing me, and I flopped on the couch kicking the heels off before I even thought about it. Beth reminded me that's why most women shop wearing gym shoes or flats, not heels. Then she and I started to put things away, and I changed into jeans, gym shoes and a blouse. She and I had an easy relationship, and she never seemed to be put off by the fact that she was teaching me how to be a woman. But, she was also relentless. I think it had something to do with being my mothers daughter. They were like two peas in a pod when it came to being firm. Just walking like a girl for example, took hours of practice to manage, and by the time I went to bed, I was whipped, but Beth reminded me that we had just started! In the morning I made my first entry into a beauty shop. I had expected to get my hair cut and maybe my nails done, but Beth had made it clear to them that I needed everything they had to offer, so after some urging from Beth, I followed the lady into the back room. I was baked to a nice lobster red in the sauna, then thrown into the icy water of the shower, before I climbed up on a table and had a full body waxing followed by a massage. After that, wearing nothing but a robe, I had my feet, hands and all twenty of my nails done. Thinking I was getting close to being done, I was shocked when I was taken to a chair, told to sit, then watched as they first exfoliated my skin, then started removing some of my facial hair with wax! Every hair had already been removed from my legs, then my robe was parted. "Bikini or thong honey?" I wasn't sure what she meant by that, but I knew that she was about to wax my groin, and after having my legs and arms done, I wasn't anxious to have someone ripping at my most sensitive parts! Just then Beth walked in, took one look, and said "Bikini, at least for now anyway". Then she sat there as I gripped the chair tightly while the lady turned a bushy mass into a simple straight line. I was still hurting when I was told to get dressed, then come to the station so she could start the rest along with cutting my hair. It was another new adventure, getting my hair styled. She cut and rolled, curled and sprayed, and when she was done I looked really great if I do say so myself. Again, thinking I was done, I started to get up, but Beth shoved me back in the chair, and another lady started in on my makeup. I was thinking, I knew both mom and Beth came here once a month, then wondered if they also got the works every time they came in. I couldn't picture my mother with a bikini trim myself, and it was an outlandish thought! By the time I was finally told they were done with me, I was relieved. Five hours, just to make me beautiful? However, there was no denying the way I looked and felt, which was great and better. From then on Beth and I spent days on end exercising and practicing mundane things, like sitting down, or just standing still. "feet together, knees touching, hands together in front," she would tell me time after time. "Arms always slightly bent at the elbows, pulled in at the sides, loose wrists". The litany of things didn't get any shorter it seemed, but each day I found myself beginning to take on the mannerisms she was teaching me, and it started to make sense to me. Those pills had started to work as well. Without any testosterone being produced, the estrogen in the pills had no impediment, and by the end of the third month, my breasts had grown one full size and started to fill out while my butt got bigger and rounder, just as my hips did. I still had a mostly masculine shape, but I could see that it wasn't going to be long before I had the shape of a woman. Beth and I become very close, the sister I never knew, but then again, I was the sister she never knew as well. One night after we had both showered and were sitting around in our nightgowns, she asked me who I thought was sexy. My first response was a popular actress on television, which drew a frown from Beth. "Not a woman dummy! What guy do you think is the most sexy?" "I don't know, I never considered it before." "Well, you better start, because we'll be done by the time you turn 23, and 23 year old girls certainly know who they think is sexy, or did you plan on being an old maid?" "Beth," I said quickly, "I don't have anything to offer a guy, even if he were dumb enough not to see that I was a guy at one time! Besides, I'm not Gay!" "Gay? Being Gay means being with someone built like you are doesn't it? You're a woman now, complete with all of the right parts, right? How can you possibly think that being with a guy means you're Gay?" "Yeah, well, I haven't, what I mean is, I'm not sure that I could!" "Oh yes you can, and you probably will. Sooner or later some handsome hunk is going to come along, blow in your ear, and you'll cave in right then! Anyway, you're a girl now, and you have to think like one! I mean, you worked very hard to lose all that weight, you're down to what? 150?" "That's about right, but I don't think that some guy will find me attractive, but if you say so, okay." "I'll tell you what. Let's take a break and go shopping tomorrow. Well find some really sexy dresses, then go to that new club downtown. If nobody hits on you, I'll admit that you were right. But if someone does hit on you, then you have to be the girl you're supposed to be. Flirt with him. Dance, have a good time, then we'll see how you feel about guys. Okay?" "Deal!" I said, confident she would lose. "Deal," she said back. I was sure that she was all wet so to speak, but when we were in the dress shop the next morning my eye was drawn to this one dress. I tried it on and almost choked when I saw it in the mirror. It left no doubt that I was a girl, that much was for sure! Still, confidently sure that no matter what I wore I would be nothing more than a wall decoration, I bought the dress, and later, with my sisters help, shoes to match, plus lingerie like I had never worn before. Beth kept her purchase secret, and when we got home she and I each went our own rooms to change and get ready. Not for the first time did I let my hand drift to my newly created parts, and as my fingers gently opened the folds, I wondered if Beth was right. I had not managed to find release using my fingers, which made me think that other parts might not work either, but I put those thoughts aside and began to open the small package from the lingerie shop. The panties, nothing more than black see through netting, fit me perfectly, the sag I had experienced when I first started dressing as a girl gone. They fit my rounded butt snugly, and looked real sexy. It was a pity that I would be the only one to see them. The bra, a 36B, was, like the panties, very sheer, with two underwires, some netting and a bit of elastic, but it did lift and create magnificent cleavage, which made me grin to myself. Joyce, my old girlfriend, had cleavage like that, and it never failed to draw my attention. Pantyhose, then the dress, which was a black sheath with two straps to go over my shoulders and a plunging front. Across the top of the bustline, right on the seam, was a row of smallish rhinestones. I zipped it up then stepped into my shoes. I ran a brush through my hair, watching as it fell right into place. My makeup was fine, so all I had to do was add lipstick and perfume, then change my earrings. I changed purses, then walked out to wait for Beth. I thought that I looked good, but Beth, well she defined the words woman and sexy all at once! With a grin, she and I left for dinner, planning on hitting the club after that. As we walked into the restaurant, I saw her. Joyce and her friend were sitting not far away from us! They both looked at us of course, and when Joyce recognized Beth, she waved us over to the table. "Beth! How are you?! How's Stephen? Is he okay?" "He's fine Joyce. This is Susan." I got a nod from her and stares from her friend. Then we went to our table, barely able to contain our laughter. Joyce had not known who I was, which was fine with me. She and I had parted on pleasant if platonic terms, and I saw no need to upset that. Beth however, pointed out that her friend kept looking at us. "He was trying to look right down your dress Susan! Don't tell me you didn't notice that!" "Yeah, I noticed, but he's with Joyce, not me, or you either. Leave him alone and he'll go away. Joyce was really good at one thing, so I imagine that he'll get what he wants from her a little later." Beth didn't mention it again, and by the time we left, they were gone. As we walked in the club, I followed Beth's lead, and tried strutting in like a queen. I could feel them The eyes that were following us as we walked to our table. Eyes that belonged to guys. Greedy, pleading, eager, lustful, male eyes. I looked around, and Beth nudged me as two guys were headed for our table. "Third team Susan. Smile, and let me handle it." After Beth shot them down, it was almost half an hour before two more guys showed up. Beth smiled and let one of them lead her to the dance floor, leaving me looking at the other one. Her asked me to dance, and while I was very unsure of myself, I let him take me to the dance floor. Since it was one of those stand in one place and move back and forth dances, I didn't have to worry about stepping on his foot, but I warned him anyway. His name was Nathan, and seemed very nice, but I just could not bring myself to think about anything other than dancing with him. Beth and I enjoyed their company all evening, but we left alone. "See! What did I tell you!" "Yeah, maybe, but it was kind of dark in there, and he...." "Dammit Susan! You're a beautiful, smart, and sexy woman now, and frankly, I'm tired of your woe is me attitude! I have done everything I could to help you get over yourself, but you still insist on this...this...I'm not a girl, I'm a freak thing you have going for yourself! James has always been a woman, on the inside anyway, and he's working his ass off just to get where you are right now! Have you ever thought about that? What it must have been like for him to get dressed as a girl and go out, while we were in high school? He had to be very careful, not date, not let on how he felt, and not get his ass whipped! Yet he managed, didn't he?" "You knew, didn't you?" "What?" "About James. You knew when we were in high school." "Yeah, but I was just one of a very few that did. I saw him a few times, and believe me, he could have dated if he had the nerve. He was really cute, and he still has those great legs." Beth looked over at me and smiled. "I also know about you Susan. I was watching you tonight. I saw you smile, and for the first time in a long time, I saw you laugh. You were having fun. You're just afraid to admit it." I had nothing to say. Beth was not only my sister, she and I had become friends, closer than ever before, much closer than my parents and I. My parents had not interfered with the way she was helping me, even when she had me doing sit ups in my panties and a bra in the familyroom. Perceptive as always, she had cut right to the heart of things. I had enjoyed the attention Nathan gave me, but if I admitted that, I would also have to admit that I not only liked the way I looked, but the fact that I was a woman, no longer merely guy in a dress. When I got to my room I stood in front of the mirror, then unzipped my dress, and with a shrug of my shoulders, let it fall to the floor in a puddle around my feet. My black bra revealed almost everything, as did my sheer panties. And the pantyhose only made my legs look long and sexy. 37/26/36 were my measurements, not bad, I thought to myself, only my pudgy waist to remind me of what I had been. Even with Beth insisting that I was beautiful almost every day, I had held on to those last few shreds of my mental manhood, but as I looked at my reflection, I saw how silly that was. I slipped off the bra and pantyhose, cupped my breasts, holding them in my hands. A full B cup, I was the same size as my sister, and like hers, there wasn't much sag yet. I let my panties hit the floor, and crawled into bed, ready to let my dreams take me away. That night as I lay in bed, I experienced relief for the first time in a very long time. It was a shuddering explosion caused when I let my finger once again explore. As I lay there, I knew that I had finally become a woman, and with a smile, drifted to sleep. My journey was over. My family was still intact, and had grown around me, protecting me, encouraging me, and they had succeeded. That morning as I got dressed, I decided that it was time that I became Susan legally, and asked my father to help me, the first time I had actually asked him for help. He did better than that. With Beth about to go back to college, he told me that since he needed the help anyway, I would be working for him. He told me it was time that I earned my own keep. With the insurance settlement, I had no reason to work, but having the chance to work with my dad, and maybe become closer to him as a daughter, was just too good a chance to pass up. My name is Susan, I'm a woman, and I'm proud of it.