Andy Griffith Porn Parody Part One
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Andy Griffith Show free porn video
Introduction
"Ding! Dong! The Bells Are Gonna Chime"
The Andy Griffith Show, which introduced us to the denizens of Mayberry, North Carolina, ran on CBS from 1960 - 1968. Griffith played the role of Andy Taylor, a small-town widowed sheriff, who lived with his young son Opie (Ron Howard), and his Aunt Bee (Francis Bavier).
Sheriff Taylor was backed up by his cousin and deputy, Barney Fife, played by Don Knotts.
In 1965, when Andy made noises about ending the series, Knotts went looking for other projects, including movies and a short-lived ety show. But Griffith was convinced to stay with the series; and Knotts had committed himself beyond his capacity to stay with the show. His character "moved away" from Mayberry, only returning occasionally in subsequent shows.
In the first episode of the sequel series, "Mayberry RFD", Sheriff Taylor and long-time girlfriend Helen Crump married and "moved away" from Mayberry, leaving the town (and the new series) to Sam Jones (Ken Berry).
While the series was still in its first run, daytime reruns were shown under the title "Andy of Mayberry".
Most of this story takes place in that short gap between the two series, but if the story conflicts in some details with the wedding episode, please forgive me.
Let's all sing! (Or you can just whistle, if you like.)
Well, now take down your fishin' pole
And meet me at the fishin' hole.
We may not get a bite all day,
But don't you rush away!
What a great place to rest your bones,
And mighty fine for skippin' stones.
You'll feel fresh as a lemonade,
A settin' in the shade.
Whether it's hot,
Whether it's cool,
Oh what a spot
For whistlin' like a fool!
What a fine day to take a stroll
And wander by the fishin' hole.
I can't think of a better way
To pass the time o'day!
"Ding! Dong! The Bells Are Gonna Chime"
Raleigh, North Carolina:
Barney Fife picked up the card again and looked hard at it. It was a nice card, an engraved wedding invitation. He ran his fingers over the printing, feeling the raised type, testing to see if he could read it with his fingers.
He gritted his teeth and tried again... yes... he could just... almost... make out the word Andrew.
He opened his eyes, and saw that his fingers were on the word "church".
He tossed the invitation back on the end table disgustedly. Tying his robe around him, he picked up his shaving kit and towel, and strode purposefully down the hall toward the showers.
A door opened to his right, and a head appeared before him.
"Hi sweetie, have you seen Lance?" the fellow asked.
"Nope." Barney shook his head.
"Oh, darn," the fellow said, grimacing. "We were supposed to shower together."
Barney walked on down the hallway. Living at the YMCA did have its drawbacks.
He showered quickly, donning his robe over his wet body before someone else walked in on him. He took his shaving kit over to the sink and lathered his face.
Two men walked into the shower room, and stripped. Barney kept his eyes studiously on his reflection in the foggy mirror. They went into the large shower room, and the water started running.
Barney rushed his shaving, but the moaning and slapping sounds in the shower caught his ears anyway. He rinsed off the last of the shaving cream, gathered up his stuff, and rushed down the hallway to his room.
Once again safely behind his closed door, he sighed heavily. He removed his robe and finished drying off, then took his security guard uniform off the hanger and began to dress.
Back in Mayberry, Sheriff Andy Taylor walked down Main Street. He passed several townspeople who smiled and nodded. The door to Emmett's Fix-it Shop was open, and he leaned inside.
"Hey, Emmett," he grinned.
"Hey, Andy." Emmett looked up from the innards of the toaster he was working on. "Nice day out."
"Sure is." Andy stuck his hands into his pockets. "You got time to look at Aunt Bee's clothes washer?"
Emmett scratched his head, thinking. "I guess I could get over there this afternoon. Havin' trouble with that hot-water hose again?"
"Naw," Andy smiled. "It's making a funny noise now. Sorta 'ga-loom, ga-loom'."
Emmett nodded. "Know exactly what that is. No trouble."
"Thanks. See you later."
Andy went back out to the sidewalk, and headed toward the courthouse. He began whistling a merry little tuneless tune.
Floyd Lawson was sitting in front of his barber shop, reading his newspaper. Andy slipped into the other end of the bench.
"Morning, Floyd," Andy said.
"Morning, Andy," Floyd replied, peering over the top of his paper. "Need a haircut?"
"Not yet, Floyd. But I will before the wedding. Maybe this afternoon."
Floyd put down his newspaper. "That's right. You're getting married... is it tomorrow?"
Andy shook his head. "Nope, day after. We've got a wedding rehersal tonight."
"I love weddings," Floyd sighed.
They sat in silence as a dog strolled past them, then flopped down on the sidewalk, and started to lick its genitals.
Floyd nodded at the dog. "Sometimes I wish I could do that."
Andy grinned. "So why don't you? It's your dog."
They both broke out laughing, and Andy stood up. "Got to go, Floyd. See you this afternoon."
Floyd was still laughing. "Okay, Andy."
As Andy strolled on down the street, Floyd stood and shouted after him, "Hey, Andy, that's not my dog!"
Barney walked out the doors of the YMCA and headed up the street. Even in the state capital, there weren't many people out yet this time of the morning.
He strutted in his uniform, marching music playing in his head. He reached the bank doors shortly, and fished in his pocket for the key.
He opened the door, stepped inside, and locked the door behind him. He made his morning inspection, making sure that nothing was suspicious, nothing out of place, nothing was amiss.
Finally satisfied, he sat down in his chair, picked up yesterday's newspaper, and began to read.
The manager arrived shortly, and Barney took up his guard's position in the lobby. The tellers and other personnel filtered in.
Barney rocked back and forth on his feet, watching the bank customers move in and out. Periodically, he patted the handgun on his hip, just to assure himself that it was still there. Andy wasn't around to enforce the "one bullet" rule, but Barney did keep the first chamber empty, just in case he fumbled with the gun.
One day was much like another at the bank, he mused. It was a good thing to have something every once in a while to pull you out of the ordinary. So it was with the wedding invitation. He had always expected Andy and Helen to get married, but the invitation had come out of the blue.
A sly smile crept over his face as he thought about Andy and Helen, and Mayberry. It really would be nice to see the old hometown again.
He hadn't realized he had his eyes closed, until the kid kicked his shins.
"Ow!" Barney hopped on one foot, rubbing the insulted leg, as the child ran and hid behind his mother.
Re regained his composure, easing his weight back on the injured leg. He smiled at the woman, who gave him a dirty look.
"Kids..." he muttered, "That kind of behavior needs to be nipped in the bud, I tell you," and strolled across the front of the lobby. "Nip it!"
About half-way across the floor, he spotted a book of matches. He bent down quickly and picked them up. He glanced at the pack; from the big hotel up the street. He slipped the matches into his pocket.
Andy picked up the two-piece phone and leaned back in his chair, putting his feet up on the desk. "Sarah, get Helen for me."
He tilted his head back, away from the microphone, and whistled softly until Helen picked up her telephone.
When she answered, Andy jumped. "Hello, sweetie." A pause while he listened, then said, "No, I didn't mean you, Sarah. Thank you." He waited for the click indicating Sarah had broken her connection.
"Hello, Sweetie," Andy repeated, leaning back again in his chair, cradling the base of the phone on his chest as he whispered sweet nothings into the long-handled stem of the telephone.
Barney rocked back and forth on his feet. Mid-afternoons standing guard in the lobby were the worst. The sun beat through the windows, heating up his legs, making his feet sweat inside his heavy, shiny-black shoes.
He turned his back on the entranceway, trying to even out the heat on his shoes. He heard the door open, but didn't turn around.
Realizing after a moment that nobody had passed him after entering the door, he glanced around. He saw a form -- a female form -- slip behind him. He turned the other way. The woman moved again swiftly behind him again.
Barney spun on his heels quickly, and was face-to-face with the woman. Suddenly, he was being kissed. Kissed hard and soft at the same time.
He pushed himself back and opened his eyes wide.
"Thelma Lou!"
She grinned at him, a sparkle in her eye. "Hi, Barney."
Andy hung up the phone, and set it back on the desk. He leaned back again in the chair, putting his hands behind his head. He smiled, thinking about Helen.
The door to the courthouse burst open, and Otis stumbled in.
Andy jumped up. "Otis, it's too early in the day for this!"
Otis shook his head. "I'm not drunk, Andy. Honest."
"What's the problem?"
"Guess who I just saw at the edge of town."
"I'm not guessing. Tell me."
"Ernest T. Bass. Big as life."
Andy shook his head. All he needed right now was Ernest T.
"All right, Otis. Do me a favor and go down to the hardware store and tell them to be sure they've got lots of window glass available."
Otis nodded.
"And Otis," Andy added, "try to stay out of trouble this weekend."
Otis turned and grinned at him. "You get married this weekend, doncha?"
Andy nodded. "Yep. And I'll consider it your wedding present to spend the weekend at home."
"Aw, Andy..." Otis smiled and looked at the floor. "All right, you got a deal."
Barney looked at Thelma Lou, astonished.
"What... How did you find me?" he stammered.
"Why, Barney, are you hiding from me?" Thelma Lou smiled, batting her eyes at him.
"Nope," Barney said, gulping.
"Actually, I got an invitation from Andy and Helen. I called Helen up to RSVP, and I asked her where you were working."
"Oh..." Barney nodded. "This is not my ordinary job, you understand. Most of the time I'm in my office upstairs, but two of my men were sick, and another's on vacation, so I..."
Thelma Lou nodded. "I understand. Where are you living?"
Barney gulped again, and put his hands in his pockets. He felt the matchbook, and pulled it out quickly.
"Usually, I stay here," he said, handing her the matchbook.
"Oh," Thelma Lou said, looking at the matchbook. "That's a very nice place."
Barney glanced at his watch. "Tell you what. I get off in a couple of hours. What say you give me some time after that to change clothes, and I'll meet you in the hotel restaurant at about seven o'clock."
"That would be lovely." Thelma Lou leaned forward again and kissed his cheek. "I'm looking forward to catching up with you."
She turned and pushed through the door, waving at him through the glass.
"Friend of yours, Mr. Fife?"
Barney turned to see the bank manager glaring at him. "Yessir. Back on duty. Sorry."
A small smile drifted over the manager's face. "You might want to wipe off that lipstick, Fife."
Andy sat outside the courthouse door. As long as he sat outside, chances were good that Ernest T. wouldn't throw a rock through his window.
A furtive movement across the street caught his eye. Andy stood up and squinted into the sunlight at the hedges across from him. He saw something -- someone -- moving behind the bushes.
Glancing both ways, Andy dashed across the street. With a running start, he was able to leap, neatly clearing the short row of hedges, landing right behind the man, who spun around and fell, landing on his ass.
"Ernest T. Bass, what are you doing here?" Andy said, angrily.
"Howdy, Sheriff!" Ernest T. said, cheerfully. He scrambled up to his feet.
"What do you want, Ernest T.?"
"Heard you were gettin' hitched, Sheriff," Ernest T. said eagerly. "I want to sing at your weddin'."
"Aw, Ernest T.," Andy scowled. "I think Helen's got the wedding all planned."
"I think the pretty teacher wants me to sing."
"I don't think so, Ernest T."
"Does so."
Andy shook his head. "I don't think so."
Ernest T. showed Andy the rock in his hand. "If I don't get to sing, I'll break your winder with this rock."
Andy reached for the rock, but Ernest T. pulled it out of reach.
"Oh, all right, Ernest T., I'll talk to Helen."
"And she'll let me sing?"
"We'll see."
"Then what do I do with this rock?"
"Throw it away," Andy said, shrugging. He turned his back on Ernest T., and knew, as soon as he did, it was the wrong thing to do.
The sound of breaking glass brought several citizens out to the street.
Ernest T. cackled, and ran away.
Andy called out, "Don't worry, Frank. I'll call the hardware, and get that glass replaced. And I'll take the cost out of Ernest T.'s hide..." and added, to himself, "... if I can catch him."
Opie Taylor scuffed his battered sneakers in the gravel and dust on the back road. His spirits were high, his troubles were light, and he was about to participate in one of his favorite late-summer activities -- skinny-dipping in the "ol' swimmin' hole".
As he walked down the lane, he remembered the many, many times he had walked this same lane, either to go fishing or swimming, with his dad.
Almost without a thought, he started whistling a little tune.
As he neared the swimming hole -- which was just upstream from the best fishing spot, he stopped whistling. He heard splashing coming from the pool.
He moved into "Indian" mode. He slid into the bushes on the side of the lane, and slipped up to the small clearing around the pool.
He expected to see one of his friends, and wanted to startle him. What he saw, startled HIM.
The head showing above the water, its face turned away from him, was long-haired. No male in Mayberry wore long hair like that. It had to be a girl.
He glanced around the pool, and spotted a small pile of clothes. "Hmm," he thought, "she must be skinny-dipping, too."
The girl splashed, and lay back in the water, floating on her back. He could see she was definitely female, now. Her small, pert breasts broke water, as she floated, just barely moving her arms.
He felt a swelling in his pants, and adjusted his position a bit to ease the pressure.
She floated around in a small circle, guiding herself with small motions of her hands. She splashed again as she rose back up, her feet finding the stones in the bottom of the pool, and standing up.
He could see her face now, if he could tear his eyes away from those swellings on her chest. The cold water had caused her nipples to harden, and they looked like little bullets on her tits, pointed up, the soft breasts a little bottom-heavy.
It was Mary Lynn, a girl in his class at school. Funny, he never noticed how nice her body was before.
His left foot was going to sleep in his crouched position. He leaned over to the right to ease the pain. A branch snapped under his foot.
He froze, but it was too late. The girl dropped down in the water.
"Who's there?"
She was looking right at him.
"Opie? Opie Taylor, is that you?"
Opie stood up. "I just got here. I din't see nothin'"
Mary Lynn frowned, "Didn't see... ? I'll bet you didn't."
Opie stepped down to the edge of the pool. "Honest, I..."
"Don't lie, Opie," she smiled. "It's not good for the Sheriff's son to lie."
Opie blushed.
"Are you going to swim?" she asked.
"You don't mind?"
Mary Lynn shook her head. "Not really. Not if it's just you and not all your friends too." Then she grinned. "Besides, turnabout's fair play. You saw me, now I get to see you, too."
Opie shrugged. He stood up and kicked off his shoes, and pulled off his tee-shirt. He started to unfasten his jeans, then looked back at Mary Lynn.
"You're sure?"
Mary Lynn nodded.
Opie dropped his pants, then reached up and tugged down his undershorts.
His raging hard-on had diminished when he was discovered. He was happy to remember that he had grown some fuzzy, red hair over his penis during the summer.
He stood up, briefly letting her get a look, then jumped feet first into the water.
Mary Lynn bobbed over toward him. "So that's what those things look like in person," she smiled.
"What things?"
"Your... penis."
"Oh. What do you mean 'in person'?"
"Remember when Miss Crump took all the girls in one room, and Coach Barnes took all the boys in another room?"
"Yeah. He showed us a movie about reproduction."
"We saw a movie, too. Then Miss Crump showed us a picture of that statue of David, without a fig leaf in front of it."
"I've only seen pictures too," Opie said, blushing. "Of girls, I mean." His mind raced to the magazines Barney used to keep rolled up behind the toilet tank in the bathroom at the courthouse.
Mary Lynn's head ducked under water. Opie glanced around, looking for her swimming somewhere, but she reappeared right where she had gone under.
Mary Lynn brushed her hair back out of her face.
"Where'd you go?" Opie asked.
"I tried to get another look," she smiled back at him. "But it's too dark under water."
Opie nodded. "You wanna go up under those trees and..."
"Both of us?" she asked.
"Yeah."
"You won't tell anyone, will you?"
"Of course not... if you won't."
"Okay." Mary Lynn started dog-paddling toward the trees.
Opie followed, lagging back a little bit, admiring the glimpse of her bare bottom as she swam ahead of him.
Mary Lynn climbed out of the water, and as Opie watched her butt jiggle, she headed for the shade of the old elm near the waterside. She sat beside the trunk of the tree, her legs primly tucked together under her.
Opie climbed out, and strode quickly to the tree. He knelt down beside her. The cold water and clinical talk had kept him from arousal, so his flaccid penis lay against his thighs.
Mary Lynn leaned forward, curiously looking at his penis. "It's so... different," she whispered. "It's much different than I imagined they would be."
She looked up at his face. "Can I touch it?"
Opie nodded, and swallowed, nervously.
Mary Lynn tenatively reached over and put her hand under his penis. It jumped in her hand. She jerked her hand back.
"What'd you do?"
"Not my fault, honest," Opie said. "It happened all by itself!"
Mary Lynn reached out again and took his penis in her hand. Opie's cock began to react, growing in her hand.
"Are you doing this on purpose? What's it doing?"
"They call it an erection, I think," Opie said, watching her face.
"Oh. Oh yeah, I remember." Fascinated, Mary Lynn watched Opie's penis fill out to a full erection in her hand. "It's so big... Is that supposed to fit inside a girl?"
"I guess so," Opie nodded. "That's what I've read, anyhow."
"Wow." Mary Lynn stroked Opie's penis, and Opie moaned.
"Does that hurt?" she asked.
"No, it feels... good." Opie straightened up. "Now it's my turn," he said.
Mary Lynn looked up. "Your turn?"
"I'd like to see you... to touch you."
"Oh." Mary Lynn blushed. She sat back, reluctantly releasing his penis. She shook her hair back behind her shoulders, and threw her chest out, accentuating her small, pert breasts.
Opie reached out, cupping one breast in each hand. Her hard nipples pressed against the palms of his hands. He moved his hands down, catching her nipples between his fingers.
Mary Lynn closed her eyes and moaned softly. "I feel like electricity's flowing down my body," she whispered.
"What about down there," Opie whispered back. "Can I see down there?"
Mary Lynn nodded. She leaned her shoulder against the tree trunk, and let her legs out from under her. She rolled over so that her back was against the tree. Her legs were still together, but Opie could now see the sparse black curls that barely covered the nexus of her groin.
He started to reach over to touch, and stopped. "May I?" he asked.
Mary Lynn nodded.
Opie put his fingers on her pubic hair, marvelling at the stiffness of the small curls. He touched skin, and could feel the mounds surrounding the central cleft.
Mary Lynn moaned, and he stopped, looking back at her face. Her eyes were closed, a faint smile on her face.
His middle finger followed the cleft, sliding down between her legs. He felt moisture; a different wet than their still-damp skins. This wet was warm, and slippery.
Mary Lynn lifted her knees slightly, and her legs opened just a bit. Opie slid another finger beside the first one, feeling her closed lower lips. He slid his fingers back up.
Mary Lynn gasped as his fingers slid over her clit. Opie almost jerked his hand away, but Mary Lynn reached down and held his hand still.
"Right there," she whispered, huskily. "Touch me right there."
Opie began to move his middle finger in a small circle over the designated spot. He felt a small nub under his finger, and leaned forward to look more closely.
Mary Lynn opened her legs a little wider, and he was able to see better now. A trickle of moisture exuded from between the closed lips; and now he could see those lips swelling, opening just slightly, just like a rosebud.
"Mmmmm," Mary Lynn moaned. "Oh, Opie, that feels so good..."
Opie watched interestedly as she rocked her knees back and forth, as he continued to stroke her clit. Suddenly, she stopped, and clamped her legs together. Her entire body shivered, and she gasped.
"Are you all right?"
"Oh!" Mary Lynn breathed, finally. "Oh, my! Yeah, I'm fine, Opie. Wonderful, in fact." She sat up and held his hand, gazing into his eyes for a moment, before she kissed his lips.
Opie kissed back, the way he had seen in the movies, his mouth closed.
Mary Lynn broke the kiss and sat back, looking at him. "Let me make you feel that good," she said.
She pushed him back against the tree trunk. She knelt between his legs, and began to stroke his penis with both hands, slowly and gently, using her thumbs to stroke his rapidly-expanding cockhead, until his body tensed.
"Oh, God!" Opie gasped.
His penis seemed to explode. Large white globs shot from the end of his cock, to Mary Lynn's surprise and delight. They landed wetly on Opie's stomach and chest.
"That feel good?" Mary Lynn asked.
"Real good," Opie nodded.
"It looks like it felt good. I wish I could do that. I just get wet."
"You've done it before?"
"Only by myself. I've never had help before." Mary Lynn reached over and picked up some leaves, and wiped the globs of semen off of Opie's chest and belly.
Opie looked up at the sky.
"I'm gonna have to get home," he said. "It's getting late, and there's a wedding rehearsal after supper."
Mary Lynn nodded. "That's right. Your dad's marrying Miss Crump, isn't he."
"Yeah, and if I'm late for supper, Aunt Bee'll skin me."
"You wanna meet me here again tomorrow?" Mary Lynn murmured, a little grin on her face.
"That sounds real good." Opie leaned forward and kissed her again. This time, he felt her lips open, and her tongue touched his lips. His tongue slipped out and just touched hers. It felt almost like electicity passing between them.
They scrambled to their feet, and went to their respective piles of clothing, and began to get dressed. When they had their clothing back on, Opie called, "Tomorrow, then!"
Mary Lynn waved. "Tomorrow!" She headed the other direction down the gravel road toward her house. Opie watched for a moment, then turned toward home.
Barney nervously glanced at his watch. He unlocked the door to let another last-minute customer out. The tellers were clearing their drawers, taking them to the counting room.
He nervously bit at his fingernails as they carried the last boxes and drawers into the vault, and fiddled with his keys as the manager closed the vault door and spun the lock.
Barney let the tellers out, and waited for the Manager, who was shuffling some papers on his desk.
Barney cleared his throat. The manager looked up.
"I'll be a little longer, Fife. You can go."
"Thanks." Barney said, and headed for the door. He dropped his keys -- twice -- before he was able to get the right one in the lock. He let himself out and locked the door behind him.
He almost ran back to the "Y", his holster patting his leg with each hurried step. He couldn't wait for the elevator, and ran up the steps two at a time to the third floor.
He opened his door, and breathlessly went inside. He took down his good charcoal houndstooth suit, and undressed hurredly.
In his underwear, he suddenly remembered, and went to his dresser. He pulled out the top drawer, and set it on his bed. On the back was taped a white envelope.
He pulled off the envelope, and tore it open. He pulled off the seven rubber bands that surrounded the paper-covered bundle. He unwrapped the paper, and pulled out the MasterCharge card that the bank had insisted he apply for when he started working for them.
He checked the expiration date to make sure it was still good. It was.
He dressed hurredly, putting the MasterCharge card in his slim wallet. He stuffed a few clothes into his battered suitcase: a pair of pajamas, a change of underwear and socks, a spare pair of trousers. He gathered up his shaving kit and put it into the bag.
Then he hurried out, heading for the Hotel.
The sun began to set in Mayberry, the shadows lengthening as Opie Taylor walked up the long drive to the house.
"Is that you, Opie?" Aunt Bee's voice drifted from the kitchen as he closed the front door.
"Sure is, Aunt Bee. Gee, it smells good in here."
Opie followed his nose to the kitchen, where Aunt Bee was tending a skillet full of frying chicken. He kissed her cheek, and she smiled lovingly.
"It's about time for Pa to get home," Opie said.
"Set the table for me, Opie." Aunt Bee pointed with her serving fork.
Opie nodded. He got some plates from the cabinet and began work at the table.
They both heard the gravel crunch as the patrol car pulled up in the driveway.
"Pa's home." Opie said.
"Chicken's done," Aunt Bee grinned at him.
"Boy, I tell you, it smells awful goo-ood in here," said Andy, pushing open the back door.
"Let's eat," Aunt Bee smiled.
Goober Pyle pulled his tow-truck into the airport loading zone. A tall figure was standing facing the terminal, talking to one of the skycaps. He was dressed in Marine khakis.
Goober pressed the horn on the wheel, and the Marine turned. A wide grin broke across his face.
"Hey, Goober!" he shouted.
"Hey, Gomer!" Goober shouted back.
Gomer Pyle picked up his duffel and garment bags and stepped up to the truck. He tossed the duffel on the back of the truck.
"Better tie it down," Goober said, handing him a couple of bungee cords.
Gomer tied down the bag. He opened the door to the truck, and put his garment bag inside. "Dress uniform," he said, as he climbed into the truck.
Goober put the truck in gear. "We'd better hurry. The wedding rehearsal is tonight." He started out the drive, and turned to grin at his cousin. "Judy-Judy-Judy," he said, "'member that?"
Gomer nodded. "Cary Grant. You always could do him good."
Barney glanced around the lobby as he entered the front doors. He didn't see Thelma Lou, and breathed a sigh of relief. He strode up to the desk and asked for a room.
"Single or Double?" the desk clerk asked.
"S-s-single." Barney stammered.
Nova
- 18.05.2021
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