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"April is the cruellest month."

T.S. ELIOT. The Wasteland

Chapter 1: A Handful of Dust

15th April 2001

Sometimes the rats came, but tonight, thankfully, was not one of those nights. When they did come, Mary could do little about it. They would scurry around her feet, noses twitching over the debris which people had left behind - hamburger cartons, cigarette packets, chocolate wrappers. Mary would sit in her doorway and watch them, always nervous that one of the creatures would come too close. If one did, she'd make a vague shooing motion. Sometimes that worked and sometimes it didn't. Once, a rat had sniffed at her hand.

No better, no worse. It was important that she kept hold of that thought, because it was the mantra that governed her life. No better, no worse. The day had given her nothing, and it had taken nothing from her.

A couple walked past her doorway. They were holding hands. The girl looked at her, briefly, hanging back from the man, but the look was all. Nothing was said. Nonetheless, Mary was disconcerted at the momentary loss of her invisibility.

She pulled her sleeping bag more tightly around her shoulders. The night wasn't cold, but it was useful nonetheless that the coat was warm, because good sleep needed warmth.

Colin arrived and sat down by her, squeezing into the gap she had left between her half empty bottle of cider and the wall. Without asking, he took a swig of the cider. She merely mumbled a greeting, although she was happy to see him and would have been more demonstrative if she could have found the strength. He was particularly welcome because Colin nights were few and far between since he'd started selling The Big Issue, the self-support magazine for the homeless. Usually these days he earned the money for a bed. It was generally when he didn't, when cash was short, that he came here. Sometimes, though, he came just for sex.

She didn't mind the sex. But she loved the warmth he brought. And the easier sleep.

She glanced at him, searching his face to gauge his intentions, but found only his usual blankness. His beard was wilder than she'd ever seen it, puffing up around his neck like a wire collar. His eyes were more yellow than usual. His skin was white as parchment, and he'd been in a fight, because there was a fresh, livid purple bruise under his ear.

She moved the bottle and snuggled close. His arm didn't come around her, as it sometimes did, but that was okay. She supposed that he was weary.

His heart was beating like a triphammer.

She could comfort him, she recalled.

Once, she had comforted a man on a regular basis. The man might have been her father. It might not. She couldn't get a mental grip on those things any more. Maybe she'd never got a mental grip on those things. What did it matter? She was as she was, and where she was. And a little better suddenly, for Colin's visit. Well, certainly no worse.

Comfort. She rolled the word in her head. Comfort.

A sly thing, as far as she was concerned, not always birthed from love. A flicker of passion and compassion trapped in a bubble of time.

But enough, usually, to hold sway in the battle of the night.

She reached out to touch him. It was a labour. He moved slightly, but it wasn't exactly towards her, and it couldn't exactly be described as a response. The denim around his crotch was stiff with accumulated dirt.

She worked down the zip of his pants, slipped her hand inside them. As an afterthought, she pulled the sleeping bag across to mask the activity. There were few people about this early in the morning, but the occasional stragglers from the clubs would stroll by, as with the couple a few moments before, and the police were about most nights as well of course. So concealment was the best policy.

Colin gave no indication by sound or gesture that he was aware of what she was doing, but his cock hardened quickly, and she started to pump it with a ragged determination. The muscles in her wrist ached within less than a minute, but she didn't dare expose him further, which would have helped, remembering that he always had difficulty in fastening himself up. The doorway of HMV was not the most appropriate place for complicated dressing.

In her early days on the streets, when she was nimbler and he was more alert, she had used her mouth on him from time to time, extracting from the miasma that was her past the fact that men really liked her to use her mouth...

... Men?

No.

A man.

One man.

The reason for her difficulties?

She didn't know...

... And once, they had found a comfortable and secluded spot by the canal, a spot usually fought over but on that night oddly and fortuitously abandoned, as though an invitation to treat. They had made love twice that night, a heaving bundle of rolled back old clothes.

He had touched her breasts.

He had kissed them.

She remembered little of her life, but she remembered that night.

He would never have agreed even then to pleasure her, though, in similar fashion to the way in which she was pleasuring him now. These days, of course, he was too drawn of energy, but in the past he had been selfish. That had never surprised her. Men were selfish creatures by nature, she believed. Something, again to do with the past, had convinced her of that before she'd even met Colin.

So, if she desperately needed to, then occasionally she would pleasure herself. But it was difficult without the risk that she would be seen, much more difficult than handling Colin.

She felt his erection swell slightly, a familiar sign, and she speeded up her work as best she could, squeezing him more tightly, exchanging pain for motion in her wrist.

He came finally, with a slight lift of his body and a sigh, his stomach distending then relaxing like a deflating balloon. Semen scrolled down her knuckles. She removed the hand, wiped it on her coat, and then snuggled closer. This time he did bring his arm around her.

For the first time since his arrival, he spoke. "Wanted to see you", he said.

For a moment, illogically, she considered telling him that she loved him. It would have been a lie, but she was tempted by the hope that telling him might bring about a change. They might as a result end up facing the world together rather than alone. In the end, though, she withheld, deciding that any such declaration would, in an unfriendly world, be a thing of little value to him, and also that it would involve a compromise that she was not prepared to make.

She contented herself by replying, "Keep me warm."

Her response had taken so long to frame that he was already asleep.

Chapter 2: The Roots That Clutch

April 1998

It was Mary's vulnerability, Andrew supposed, which had always attracted him. In that sense, she wasn't like the other girls at all. Mixing seemed a labour to her, the simple pursuit of dancing even more so. He'd never seen anyone ask her onto the floor, and he'd never heard anyone explain why not. People simply ignored her. It was as though she passed into their perception so slowly that they saw her as having never been there, or as having always been there. Only once had her presence been the subject of an incident, and all that had been forgotten now, except by Andrew.

One night, her father had come to take her home from the club, way earlier than normal. There had been an exchange of words. He had pulled at her arm, and she had resisted. It had all been very uncool. Andrew hadn't heard much of the conversation, but he'd known from something said earlier that her mother had been away that weekend on an Open University session. He had theorised that the father was nervous of responsibility, that he had wanted his daughter back in his line of sight as soon as possible, and Andrew had thought this unfair. After all, Mary had been visiting the Paperhouse night club for at least three months by then, and usually left at one thirty, not twelve thirty. Andrew knew that because Andrew had often watched her come and go.

Only tonight, incidentally, had he realised why he watched. Only tonight had he had hit upon her vulnerability as the key. Previously, the attraction had confused him.

Not that there was anything wrong with Mary in the looks department, and she dressed reasonably well, although never to the height of fashion and never revealingly. Because of these characteristics, he'd concluded that she was strictly parented long before the father's midnight visit.

Another thing that she rarely wore was a smile. She was animated at times, though, and her long brown hair would sway aggressively as she made points to her usual companion, an overweight blonde named Delyse.

In contrast to Delyse, Mary definitely wasn't overweight. She was better described, in fact, as a waif. Andrew always wondered about her eating habits.

The night of her father's visit had been the first and only time that Mary had been the subject of conversation in the group. Andrew had hung back from that conversation, particularly because the only thing he would have been able to contribute was rather unwholesome, and might have started a rumour.

His diificulty arose from the fact that he had heard Mary's father railing on at her about making the most of opportunity. Andrew had put that together with Mary's mother's absence, and had briefly visited an appalling conclusion, which he had since dismissed. There were after all, he had reasoned, other obvious interpretations of the situation. Father getting her home early, for example, so that she could be out of bed early, then off on a trip - parent and child together. Putting the occurences and available facts in that basket meant that the basket was equally full. With such logic, Andrew was able to lock the monster back in its cage and all was right with the world for him again.

Tonight was Mary's sixteenth birthday. It was a subdued event, it seemed, because apart from Delyse, there were only two other girls present. He recognised neither, but he did recognise easily in both of them a wish to be elsewhere.

He noted that the party dress which Mary wore had too many frills. It was a father's choice. And the new hairstyle was too affected. These things confirmed, for Andrew, a need to act.

He had decided over the previous two weeks that she required saving, and that he was the one to do that saving. As he observed her restrained celebration, he became surer of his conclusions than ever before.

He watched her move to the bar, and he followed her, knowing that he increased his chances if he talked to her without the ever present Delyse, and conscious that now was the only version of that position which might be available.

He settled beside Mary, glanced at her, caught a line of her vanilla perfume. She was overfragranced, but he liked that. Vanilla excited him, eliciting a memory of an old romance. It was an association made in his brain, like baking bread with hunger.

He continued to study her as she waited to order, until she registered that he was studying her. And when she turned slightly, he pounced.

"Happy birthday", he said. "Why don't you let me buy these?"

"Thank you", she replied, colouring slightly. "And yes, why don't I?"

He extended a hand. "Andrew", he told her.

Her grip in return was light. "Mary. I've seen you around."

Things went well after that. He accompanied her back to her table, where he was presented to the ballooning blonde as well as to the misery twins, who, he then learned, rejoiced, or more likely didn't, under the names Melanie and Lucy. Ten minutes later, said misery twins drifted off to a claimed prior engagement. Even more promisingly, five minutes after that Delyse took the huff at lack of attention from Mary and drifted into the background.

Andrew steered Mary out on to the dance floor. She was clearly uncomfortable, and that worried him a little. The implication was that she was merely going with a pleasant and unexpected flow, whereas he'd wanted to provoke a more honest and upfront attraction.

His concerns didn't prevent him kissing her, of course, and that first kiss was a hit for him. She enlivened his body, thickened the part of him that few women could affect without touching it. And very soon, because Mary adapted with a fluidity which surprised even him, the dance outside the dance speeded up. The kisses became more frequent and the caressing began - or rather, he began it, and Mary didn't object.

Later, in a dark corner of the club, she permitted him to touch a breast. He felt the nipple harden slightly beneath the silk of her dress.

"I want to make love with you", he whispered in her ear. "I need to make love with you. You're the sexiest girl I've ever met."

His intent was cynical. He was setting down a marker, in the hope of seeing her again within the next few days and cashing it in. But cynically intended or not, the compliment which concluded his words held some truth, and that truth strengthened when he saw her reaction, a colouring in her cheeks which indicated surprise and pleasure. Clearly she was unused to flattery.

No reply from her was necessary, or indeed expected. He had expressed a wish, and it could be acknowledged by a squeeze or a kiss. But Mary startled him by aknowledging more directly.

"I wish we could", she said. "But there's nowhere to go, and I've only got an hour left."

Andrew liked to believe that he could usually think on his feet, but this time he struggled. Had he been chatting up a different kind of girl, a less sedate girl, he would have hoped for just the sort of brazen response that Mary had given and would have instantly taken advantage. It took him a few seconds to realise that he should do precisely that in any event. Looking in the mouths of gift horses wasn't Andrew's style at all. Mary was indicating willingness. Not following that up would be a real waste.

"An hour's a start", he told her, the fingers of his right hand skipping through her hair. And listen. There's a covered storage area behind the building. Nobody ever goes down there at night, but there's a staff door, and it's usually unlocked. I'm not trying to press, Mary. You've only met me tonight, I know that. But I can't help how I feel. At least we could talk in private down there."

"Fine", she agreed. "Let's do it."

Except, Andrew reflected, the response didn't sound like agreement. It sounded more like submission.

Common decency suggested that he take a step back, check the ground that he was proposing to walk on for potholes. But the gift horse's shrill whinny was loud in his ears, drowning Mr. Common Decency out.

So Andrew reached for her hand, and she gave it willingly.

He led her round past the bar. He encouraged her through the door which he had described to her. Down a few steps, and they were into the open air.

She followed without a second thought.

She followed in silence.

Privacy achieved, he turned her to face him, and he kissed her, long and deeply, his tongue searching behind her teeth. She responded in kind, clutching his bottom, her eagerness in deed dissipating his concern that he was taking advantage of her.

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‘She’s a cow! A real fucking cow!’ Prissy exclaimed, blowing smoke into the air of the pub where the wisping blue vapour was sucked into the smoke extractor. ‘I don’t know why I stick with her!’ ‘Me too!’ agreed Cath. ‘My Jayne’s so fucking uptight. All she fucking wants to do is sit in and watch telly.’ ‘So, you ditching her then, Cath?’ Emily wondered. ‘You know, like you said you would?’ Cath coughed. She didn’t really want to diss her lover like that. After all, Jayne had been real sweet...

4 years ago
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Degrees of Intimacy Ch 04

Ibiza Paul’s forehead juddered against the thick glass of the window as the bus sped over the uneven sunbaked tarmac, forcing him to jerk his head back. He studied the trees and villas the bus passed on this longer dash between stops, all brightly illuminated by the late morning Mediterranean sun. He rubbed his forehead uneasily and let it slump again onto the glass. At least he wasn’t feeling like shit this morning, like he did most mornings on his three week stay in Ibiza. He had done well...

4 years ago
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Connections by Six Degrees Ch 011

She was running her finger around the rim of her apple martini glass, lost in thought. I was two stools to left of her, in a dusky bar, in the middle of the afternoon, somewhere in boondocks near Jacksonville. I was just recently divorced and in shambles. The details are too painful to iterate. A school chum of mine, Ramesh, had invited me to stay with him and his wife for a few days. He had insisted on the phone . ‘I know you don’t feel like driving or seeing people but it’ll be good for...

3 years ago
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4 Degrees

Roger was in a flurry of moods. He had just gotten home and he was still taken aback by what had just happened. He was one who had to tell people every detail of his life, much like a woman. Thus, the first thing that came to mind was to call his friend Tony. He picked up the phone and dialed his number. Hours before this, Roger could be found at the Wherehouse. He had heard a lot of Tool’s new album on the radio and decided to purchase it. As he was doing so, he ran into a friend of his...

3 years ago
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Ten Degrees Above Zero

I had been outside in the 10degree weather for 3 hours before I came inside ranting a torrent of general obscenities to my unseen wife. She emerged from the bedroom, her long legs gliding down the hall like a runway model, each step deliberately in front of the other. She wore a rich burgundy colored satin cami with matching tap pants. The material shimmered in the faint light shifting across her body with each stride. Her hair was all done up and flowing like a shampoo commercial and her face...

2 years ago
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Turn Of 180 Degrees

By: AWC Professor Dean of Physics had something special in his personality. Harry could not figure out, what exactly but for him, only the voice of the Professor would send convalescent waves of arousal throughout his body. He always thought that it was getting impossible for him to continue a preceptorship with this professor. Maybe, changing the subject of his studies was a better answer. It was almost a non-possibility to stay healthy and have an erection all the times, when he was in the...

3 years ago
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Degrees of FreedomChapter 2

Zoe The rain wasn't as bad as I had first thought. Still, I wished I had a coat or even an umbrella. So I was hurrying through the drizzle, glad that I was wearing my old trainers and not the pumps I had brought - quite unnecessarily - along for the presentation. As if a bunch of mathematicians would notice what kind of shoes I was wearing. As if I cared myself. I pushed back a strand of moist hair and made way for a woman which was obviously lost in thoughts and not paying attention to...

4 years ago
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Degrees of FreedomChapter 3

Zoe I sipped some of the tea, looking at her over the rim of the cup, wondering why she would care so much for a complete stranger and then, for once listening to advice, I laid my head on the pillow and closed my eyes. As soon as I relaxed I already started to drift off to sleep, feeling both my exhaustion and the effect of the drugs. For a moment I felt her standing beside me, then something warm and soft touched my forehead but maybe that was already a dream, although the other dreams I...

2 years ago
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Degrees of FreedomChapter 6

Zoe "Between us there can be no secrets." I wasn't sure how I felt about that. Well, of course, total honesty is what everybody, or at least everybody who isn't a crook, wants. I don't think I'm a crook, liar or cheater, at least I very much hope I'm not, so I'm no exception to this rule. But total honesty requires total trust. It also requires to be comfortable enough with one's own feelings to talk openly about them. As for being able to talk and be open about my own feelings and...

2 years ago
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Degrees of FreedomChapter 8

Zoe Shutting the world out to concentrate on what I am doing, especially when it has to do with a mathematical problem, is one of my fortes. But that day it didn't work at all. My thoughts kept going back to Ann, to the weekend we had spent together, my feelings towards her. Images of her and myself in bed, Ann sitting naked at the table, camera in hand, that look she had when she photographed, of me naked and exposed as she shaved me ╨ that particular image sending a blush to my cheeks ╨...

3 years ago
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Degrees of FreedomChapter 9

Zoe This was wrong. That much I knew. I also knew what was wrong. But I didn't know why it was wrong. Well, I knew why it was wrong on my side: Because I had been too overwhelmed to think straight, or think at all, and hadn't found the right moment to say the right things or ask the right questions. Of course I didn't know what would have been the right things to say either. But I didn't know why Ann had put me in my bed. Well, it was her bed too, of course, but the one in the second...

2 years ago
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Degrees of FreedomChapter 10

Zoe Once again sleep was elusive. But this time I didn't mind. This time I had so many nice images on my mind and for once no questions surfaced, or at least no questions that worried me or needed to be answered immediately. Time and again my fingers touched the chain, as if to make sure it still was where it belonged, time and again I clenched my pussy around Ann's fingers inside me, as if to make sure they still let me feel that I was hers. I thought of how the petite girl had danced...

2 years ago
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Degrees of FreedomChapter 12

Zoe I don't think I have a shoe fetish, really. But then again, I've worn heavy boots in winter and no shoes in summer long enough to appreciate a nice pair of shoes, too. Coming to think of it, it wasn't the running around barefoot part that had annoyed me and made me want to live someplace warmer but the six months of snow and slosh and icy roads. So, yeah, I like a nice pair of shoes, even high-heeled ones, as long as the heels are still within the range of wearable. But, basically, I...

3 years ago
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Degrees of FreedomChapter 15

Zoe Perversions ... we sure saw some. Quite a lot, actually. Things I couldn't have imagined even in my wildest dreams, things that looked interesting enough, things that made me want to try them out as soon as possible. I tried not to be judgmental about what I saw, but it's difficult not to be judgmental when your body reacts instinctively to what your eyes see. And maybe it's not so bad to have a strong reaction when you see a woman's back ornamented with a couple dozen needles. At...

2 years ago
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Degrees of FreedomChapter 16

Zoe There was so much that needed talking about. My holidays, some questions that had popped up during the brunch, the trip to Boston, the flat I still rented but never went to. That needed to be talked about soon, not just because of the money, I'd pay at least the same amount to Ann as I paid Winters now. But ... well, when I had let myself in, stripped and went to join Mistress it had really felt like coming home. A feeling I never had in that other place. It was a place to sleep, eat,...

2 years ago
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Degrees of FreedomChapter 17

Zoe I've once seen a picture of a tied up Tinkerbell, her magic wand used by someone, probably Peter, but I don't remember anymore, to... , well, you probably can guess. And now, as Ann was telling me about Bella the 'nympho-pixie', that image kept coming back to my mind. The pixie tied up, helpless, her translucent little wings rendered useless by the ropes and chains that held her in place or because she wanted to obey, was determined not to use them and fly away, leaving a trail of...

3 years ago
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Degrees of FreedomChapter 20

Zoe "She won't ever know." Bella's voice was barely a whisper as she looked at me, her eyes pleading. My eyes were fixed on hers over the rim of the cup and I couldn't suppress a smile as I replied. "True. But I do." "Aww, please. You know Dee will leave me here until she closes the shop." "Uh huh." I emptied the cup, rinsed it in the sink and picked up Dee's sketchbook, Bella's eyes following me all the time. "But we both know you'll enjoy every minute. And then you'll...

3 years ago
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Degrees of FreedomChapter 24

This story was written as a role-play with lucy. (The same as ‘Seven for a Secret’) As usual with us, there is a good deal of truth in what is written, perhaps you can guess what is true, only we know for certain. This story has been inactive for seven years, why? Because seven years ago the relationship lucy and I had shared stopped. Without her to write with, writing was no longer attractive, so the idea of continuing the story alone never entered my head. The why’s and wherefores are...

3 years ago
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Degrees of IntimacyChapter 1 Marrakech

The minaret's shadow was short and distinct in the early afternoon sun. The blackness spread over the pavement obscuring a figure that staggered as if drunk as it dodged past a group of young women dressed in djalabas, their faces hidden under the hoods. Of course, Hamid wasn't drunk. He'd not had a drop to drink, although this was something he intended to remedy fairly soon. But the conversation he'd just had with his brother had troubled him so much he might as well be drunk. Yet it...

4 years ago
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Degrees of IntimacyChapter 2 Taroudannt

Phillippa flicked the ash at the end of her cigarette onto the dusty earth outside the window. She watched it fall from where she sat on the passenger seat of the rented four-wheel drive and contemplated its dispersal in the slight breeze. She inhaled another centimetre of cigarette and reluctantly tossed the butt onto the earth where it smouldered. It burnt off its final centimetre of ash before extinguishing itself. She regarded it sadly and wondered whether she might have to light up...

4 years ago
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Degrees of IntimacyChapter 4 Ibiza

Paul's forehead juddered against the thick glass of the window as the bus sped over the uneven sunbaked tarmac, forcing him to jerk his head back. He studied the trees and villas the bus passed on this longer dash between stops, all brightly illuminated by the late morning Mediterranean sun. He rubbed his forehead uneasily and let it slump again onto the glass. At least he wasn't feeling like shit this morning, like he did most mornings on his three week stay in Ibiza. He had done well to...

2 years ago
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  • 16
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Degrees of IntimacyChapter 6 Clapham

"She's a cow! A real fucking cow!" Prissy exclaimed, blowing smoke into the air of the pub where the wisping blue vapour was sucked into the smoke extractor. "I don't know why I stick with her!" "Me too!" agreed Cath. "My Jayne's so fucking uptight. All she fucking wants to do is sit in and watch telly." "So, you ditching her then, Cath?" Emily wondered. "You know, like you said you would?" Cath coughed. She didn't really want to diss her lover like that. After all, Jayne...

2 years ago
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Degrees of IntimacyChapter 7 New York

Marianne wasn't the slimmest woman Gareth had ever made love with. In fact, as she unclasped her bra to let her heavy bosom fall loose, Gareth studied her full stomach with some hesitation. She wasn't fat exactly, not even plump, but by no measurement could she be described as slim. It wasn't as if Gareth could complain. Despite those few hours a week he found to attend the gym, he had definitely lost the slim figure he still sometimes imagined was just a temporary loss. He pulled down...

4 years ago
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Degrees of IntimacyChapter 8 Camden

Marianne never used to smoke. It just wasn't something you ever did in New York. So much had changed in the last year that it was natural to accept the cigarette Phillippa offered her. It was far from the first she'd had today or even the last few weeks. She balanced the length of the British cigarette on her lower lip, her upper lip holding it in place, while drawing in determinedly on the flame from Phillippa's cigarette lighter. 'Fag' they called it over here in London, England, she...

2 years ago
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Sixes and SevensChapter 7

It took three weeks for Sam’s passport to arrive. For Aidan and come to that, for Sam as well, they were three weeks of heaven. For one thing, now that she had discovered how ecstatic sex could be, she was, he had to say, enthusiastic. They coupled daily at least. September was a busy month at work, but Vicky insisted on taking the extra work to leave him free to go home to Sam. He knew just how much he owed her for that, but as she said, when she was ill after the holiday he lost Julie to...

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