The Falling Oak - Learning How To DieChapter 8: I've Had A Bad Day free porn video

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Oct .3, 2018

I don’t want to talk today so it probably means I should. Today has been hard for me. I’ve had some good news, a fundraiser to pay for some of my medical tests was successful.Yay! I also got to hold my grandson for the first time today. He’s a mess. I got to hold him twice and play with my grand daughter which was fun. I have to sit before I hold my grandson in case I have a seizure. Which leads me to the bad shit.

While we were at my daughter’s I felt a seizure trying to start. I didn’t want to spazz in front of her so I tried to meditate in order to get under it and diffuse it before it started. After a while, they thought I had fallen asleep and started talking in front of me. I was wide awake. My wife told her how I cried when she asked me to give up my books. My daughter told her that she’s moving too fast and she needs to give me time to get settled. I’m going “oh fuck! this is me they’re talking about.” After a while they quit talking and decided they needed to “wake me up” as my daughter had some where to go. I got to hold my grandson again while she was getting ready. My wife was playing with our grandaughter in another part of the house. I held him as tears streamed down my face. I realized how much of his life I’m going to miss.

I’ve had a trip planned for several months and it looks like it will be canceled due to the seizures. I’m not safe for driving the amount of time necessary to get there. It’s a festival that’s only held every two years. My daughter is going to see if she can take us. That’s another reason I’m upset. I’ve really looked forward to this and if I don’t go this time I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect that I’ll be in a condition to go next time.

That blew my mind. A less than two year time frame. Do I know it for fact? No, I don’t and I want to be wrong. I’ve seen other people close to me go down this road and it didn’t go well for them. Get settled to what? If other people are seeing it then it’s happening isn’t it? Or are they a bunch of nefarious motherfuckers trying to make me think I’m losing my mind?

When I was told yesterday, we weren’t going to the festival and why I wasn’t happy. I understand the reasoning. I saw the festival as a reward and that was a mistake. I had learned earlier in life that tying my behaviour to external rewards created pain like I was feeling. Somehow, I had forgotten that lesson. The action itself is the reward. If what you are doing is not fulfilling then either the action or your motives for doing it are insufficient. If you cannot create the sufficiency then do something else. When you live with that perspective it is very hard to be injured by a canceled trip or a denied promotion ect.

I’m still hoping my daughter is able to work it out as I want to go. It will probably be my last time to see my mountains and celebrate my heritage.

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24.02.2020
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Chapter 8: I've Had A Bad Day Videos

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The Falling Oak Learning How to DieChapter 6 A Little Wisdom

Sept. 29th, 2018 Things have been interesting around here the last little while. I have a brand new grandson! Yay! His middle name is his other grandfather’s and mine first names. That’s awesome. I’ve never had someone named after me before. My dog gave me poison ivy so I haven’t held him yet. That will be remedied in a few days. Through the good graces of one of our friends here a backup system has been put in place so if/when my mind slips off the rails my family will receive a copy of...

The Falling Oak Learning How to DieChapter 26 Intermission

Dec. 5th, 2018 I’m still trying to wrap my mind around everything. The fact that I’m being taken off one medication while being put on another is also messing with me. I don’t feel unsettled so much as flat. It feels as though my emotions are in a very narrow range. The meds must be some pretty strong beta blockers because my sex drive is almost non existent on one level. That’s the whole problem right there. A levels thing. On one level I don’t have a sex drive or feel the migraine, but on...

The Falling Oak Learning How to DieChapter 9 I Misplaced My Left Hand

I love CBD! I haven’t had to take a single extra Naproxen for pain since I started it. I still take the other sedatives and such but this is the most pain free I have been in over a year!!! At times, my mind is quiet and I can think a little. I was able to do part of a multiplication problem in my head a couple of days ago. It doesn’t sound like much and it isn’t, but it’s more than I have been able to do for a year. CBD doesn’t fix anything but it sure does make the quality of my life...

The Falling Oak Learning How to DieChapter 31 Christmas

Dec .26th, 2018 I hope everyone’s Christmas was good. Mine was good. I ended up at Christmas Sunday church. My wife wanted to go so we went. I had to go outside during the music because even with earplugs it was still too loud. I sat in the very back so I wouldn’t cause a disturbance if the preaching got too loud. You know Holy Rollers, if it ain’t loud it ain’t sanctified, lol. The preaching was actually quiet. My wife picks my clothing for important occasions because she knows I don’t...

The Falling Oak Learning How to DieChapter 70 Things Have Been Looking Up

Jan. 22nd, 2022 Hello Everyone, Things have been looking up for me. I had a checkup yesterday and my A1C (it’s derived from a test that is able to measure the trend amount of blood sugar for the last few months.) was 4.3! My last one was 5.3. The one given the day I was admitted to the hospital was over 15. My doc said I didn’t need insulin but is having me take 5 units twice a day to wean my system off of it. I started at 35 units twice a day. That’s a big difference. The doc even wants...

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