A Well Lived Life Book 5 StephanieChapter 24 Karin Part I
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June/July 1980, Stockholm, Sweden
Karin looked confused for a moment. Then I saw understanding in her eyes. Then her eyes went wide in realization of the implication of what I had just said.
“But Steve, you can’t make love with your sister!”
“Karin, not only can I, I feel that I have to. I don’t think I have a choice. Until I do, I have no future.”
“Steve, listen to what you are saying! And what about her? What is she going to say?”
“She wants it,” I said. “She’s wanted it since she was seven. She’s thirteen now. I didn’t know about it until Melanie and Jennifer told me about it last year.”
“They knew? Did she tell them?”
“No. They figured it out. I was clueless until they told me that Stephanie planned to come to me to take her virginity when she was ready.”
“That makes no sense!” Karin objected. “You’re brother and sister!”
“Yes, we are. And for many years, we’ve provided each other emotional support, giving each other exactly what we needed. We have a perfect connection as well, though I was oblivious to that until a few months before I came to Sweden. As for passion, neither of us doubts that our joining will be the pinnacle of passion. Her phrase is that we’ll ‘fuck each other unconscious’ and I have no doubt in my mind that she’s right.”
“But you still haven’t addressed the issue I’m raising. It’s incest!”
“Yes, it is,” I agreed. “I’m not hiding or ignoring that fact. What I am doing is ignoring what society says about it. I just don’t care and neither does Stephanie. Melanie and Jennifer agree with me.”
“Why would Jennifer agree?”
“I haven’t told you the most important thing about her. Jennifer is to Stephanie what you were to Birgit. Just as you knew that I couldn’t be with you until I made love with Birgit one last time, so Jennifer knows that I can’t be with her, or anyone, actually, until I’ve made love with Stephanie. I realize that might not make sense to you, or anyone else, but Stephanie is the key to my future. Only though her can I finally be in a position to be with my life partner.”
“So if I want you, I have to accept this?”
“Yes,” I said. “It’s going to happen. I’m not expecting anyone to share me with her. Whatever happens, my physical relationship with Stephanie will end. It may end after that first time, or it may not. No matter what, it will end when she or I commit to someone else.”
“I ... I don’t know if I can accept that. I need some time to think about it.”
“I know,” I said. “I knew that you would need time. That’s OK, because I need time as well. I’m too young to make a lifetime commitment to you or anyone. Whatever we decide to do before I head back to the US has to be understood with that in mind.”
“So, what should we do now?”
“You tell me,” I said. “You’re the one that needs to think about what I’ve told you. I’ve had months to think about you and me, and more than a year to come to terms with my relationship with Stephanie.”
“Well, I don’t think my plan of making love all day is a good idea now.”
“I agree. It would be a mistake. I am ready to love you, as you, in your bed. But not until you are sure it’s still the right thing to do. I also need to be sure that you can accept me as I am and what I am able to offer you right now.”
“Let’s go to a park and get some fresh air,” she suggested.
“That’s a good idea,” I said.
We left the apartment and walked several blocks to a small park. Karin neither took my hand nor put her arm around me. I wasn’t surprised by that, because she was confused. I saw from her face that she was lost in thought, thinking about everything I had told her. We sat quietly on a bench for quite some time; I was unwilling to interrupt her thoughts until she was ready to speak.
“Let’s get some coffee at the café down the street,” Karin suggested.
I nodded my assent, and we walked several blocks and sat down at a table outside and ordered our coffee.
“I’m really confused,” Karin said quietly. “I love you so much and I want to be with you. I am sure that I belong with you and you belong with me. But this is almost too much for me to deal with. Why did you tell me? You could have kept it secret and just told me that you wanted to wait until you come back in two years. I would have waited for you, no questions asked!”
“If I have to keep secrets from you, how can we ever be soulmates? We have to have complete trust, openness, and honesty. There is no other way.”
She sighed, “You’re right. Keeping a secret like that could wreck anything we had if I found out afterwards.”
“Exactly. That’s why you had to know.”
“Is there any way to avoid it?”
“I don’t know. But it doesn’t matter. I love my sister so much that I can’t refuse what she wants. It just has to be this way.”
“If Stephanie changed her mind, though, then it wouldn’t happen?”
“Yes, but she’s not going to change her mind. That is one thing I am absolutely sure of. Sometime next Spring, she and I will consummate our love. After that, I can move on with my life, secure in the knowledge that I can know myself and know my soulmate.”
“And you’ll make the decision, then?”
“No. I don’t think it’s wise to make the final decision, at least until I’m in college, and probably a few years after that. Let me put it this way for you — you’re fourteen now. In five years when I graduate from college, you’ll be nineteen. Don’t you think that’s a more appropriate age to think about getting engaged? When I’m twenty-two and you’re nineteen? Or even maybe a year after that?”
“I told you I was ready to make that commitment and I’d wait until you were ready.”
“Birgit knew that we had to grow up before we could make that kind of permanent commitment to someone.”
“Are you telling me to go out and date and have sex? I don’t want to!”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying, though if that’s what you need to do to grow up, then you should. Birgit did date Jonas, after all.”
“You talk as if I’m a little girl!”
“Karin, you’re a young woman, but you have years to go before marriage, and much to learn about life, just as I had when I was fourteen. Just as I have now. I don’t want you to put your life on hold waiting for me when I can’t give you a commitment right now and I can’t be sure that I would ever be able to.”
“I won’t put my life on hold, just my sex life. I can wait for that. I wasn’t intending to have sex until I was much older, but events led us where they did. And even so, although technically I had sex with you, you and I never had sex as Steve and Karin.”
“That’s true. You gave me your virginity in every possible way, and yet you and I have not had sex. It’s very strange, but it’s true. To me, you, as Karin, are still a virgin, at least in spirit.”
“A virgin in spirit?”
“Yes. When you and I make love, it will be our first time. You know that as well as I do. You even said it yourself — next time is for us.”
“If there is an ‘us’,” she sighed. “If there is an ‘us’.”
“It’s that bad?”
“I’m afraid so. I’m not sure I can deal with this.”
“I’m sorry; I really am. I don’t know what else to say.”
“Let’s walk home, OK?”
We walked back to the apartment and Karin went to her room. I went to Birgit’s room and pulled out my book to read. All I could do at this point was wait. Wait for Karin.
Lars and Annika came home and found us in our rooms.
“Is everything OK?” Lars asked.
“I’m not sure,” I said. “Karin and I had a long talk today and we kind of hit an impasse. I don’t know if there’s a solution or not.”
“Well, if Annika and I can help, please let us know. I’m sure Annika and Karin will speak. Dinner will be in about an hour, OK?”
“Thanks,” I said.
I read until Annika called us to dinner. Karin came out of her room at the same time as I did and we went to the table. Dinner was fairly quiet. It seemed that the issue that Karin and I were dealing with had put a damper on everything. I felt bad about that, but I didn’t know of any way to avoid telling Karin about Stephanie. We finished dinner and Annika told us that she and Lars would clean up.
Karin and I went to the living room and sat on the loveseat.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I messed up the whole evening with my mood.”
“I dumped something really serious on you without any warning. It’s really not surprising that you were upset after I told you that.”
“I need to sleep on it, OK?” Karin asked. “I promise we can talk more in the morning.”
“Whatever you need,” I said.
“I need YOU. But I’m not sure I can have you.”
“I understand. Sleep on it, OK?”
“I will. I’m going to my room.”
“Good night.”
“Good night,” she said and went to her room.
I waited for Lars and Annika to finish the dishes.
“Where’s Karin?” Annika asked.
“She went to her room. She has a lot to think about and wants to be alone and sleep on it.”
“I’m so sorry,” Annika said. “I wish I could help. You two seemed so right together.”
“We are,” I said. “But there is an issue that Karin has to deal with before we can move forward. It’s my fault, really, because I dropped a real bomb on her, but it was something she needed to know.”
“I hope you two can work this out.”
“Me too,” I said. “Me too. I think I’ll go read and then sleep. Hopefully tomorrow things will be better.”
“I hope so, too. Good night,” Annika said.
“Good night, Steve,” Lars added.
I read for a couple of hours, wrote a few pages in my journal, then went to sleep.
I was surprised that I fell asleep so easily and slept soundly, waking early as usual. I got up and jogged and then came back for my shower and got dressed. I was happy to see Karin in the kitchen with Lars and Annika and very happy to see that she had set out my breakfast.
“Good morning!” she said.
“Good morning! Thanks for getting my breakfast for me.”
“You’re welcome!”
“Do you two have any plans for today?” Lars asked.
“Steve and I need to talk,” Karin answered.
“Good. That’s good,” Lars said.
I thought so too. If she was ready to talk, then hopefully we could find a way to move forward. When Lars and Annika left for work, Karin and I were alone and we went to sit on the loveseat.
“Steve, I need you to do something for me, something very important.”
“I’ll do anything you ask if it’s within my power.”
“Actually, no, you won’t. The one thing I want to ask, I know you would never do, so I won’t even ask.”
What she wanted me to do was change my mind about Stephanie, and she knew that wasn’t going to happen.
“OK. So what is it?”
“Kiss me the way you did at the train station in December. Just once.”
I stood up and took her hand and pulled her in to a tight embrace, our bodies pressed tightly together. I kissed her softly and her lips parted. Our tongues danced slowly for a minute or so and then I felt it, almost like a bomb exploding. The feeling in December was like a firecracker compared to this one, which was like an atomic blast. I broke the kiss and collapsed onto the loveseat.
“Oh my God,” she whispered.
“Yeah, I don’t think I have to explain the Connection to you now,” I said.
“No, no, you don’t.” she said softly.
We sat silently for a moment and I saw a tear roll down her face.
“What’s wrong?” I asked with trepidation.
“I’m confused,” she sighed. “Seriously confused. Can you excuse me for a moment, please?”
“Sure. Are you OK?”
She smiled, “Well, in one way, far more than OK! I need to change. My panties are completely soaked from just that kiss!”
She got up and went to her room, then went into the bathroom. A few minutes later, she came back to the couch.
“What you plan to do with your sister is wrong. I don’t approve. I can never approve.”
“Then I guess we’re done,” I said with deep sadness. “I knew when you asked before what you really wanted, and we both know I can’t do that.”
“You’re right about what I wanted to ask. But you’re wrong about us being done. There are things about you that I have to accept. One is that you can’t commit to me now. Another is that because of that, you’re going to have sex with other girls, probably lots of other girls. And, more importantly, there’s the fact that after tomorrow, I most likely won’t see you for two years.
“All of those are things I don’t like, but I still have to deal with. I guess the situation with Stephanie is another thing I don’t like, but have to deal with. I told you I don’t approve, and that’s true. But go do what you need to do. I don’t see any other possibility. I think we’re meant to be together. After that kiss, I’m even more sure about that. And not just because it made me wet, but because I felt your soul touch mine. Now I know what Birgit was talking about. Was it like that for you and Jennifer?”
“Not as intense. But I think that’s because of the whole Stephanie/Jennifer situation. Was that night in December as intense as that kiss?”
“Not even close. I didn’t feel you touch my soul that night. I can’t even imagine what it’s going to be like.”
“So where are we?”
“That depends on you, really. You can have me right now. You can take me to bed and love me. If that’s what you want.”
“It is,” I said. “It is. But I’m not sure it’s the right thing for us today.”
“Steve Adams, if you make me wait two years for that, I’ll hate you forever!”
“Really? I doubt that,” I chuckled.
“You’re right, of course!” she giggled.
“The question in my mind, of course, is what it will mean if we do make love. Is it a commitment? If so, we can’t do it, no matter how much we both want to. If it’s not a commitment, then what is it?”
“I don’t know the answer to that question. I only know what I want. But you have to want it, too, or it really doesn’t matter what I want. It has to be mutual, like when you talked about emotional support.”
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October 1982, Chicago, Illinois The drive back to Chicago was as uneventful as usual, and I arrived at the apartment just before 6:00pm. When I arrived, Elyse and Stephie were sitting on the couch and Jackie was sitting on the loveseat. Stephie hopped up as I opened the door and greeted me with a hug and a kiss. “Hi, Peaches!” I said. “Glad you’re home, Yankee!” “Hi, Steve,” Elyse and Jackie both said. “Hey,” I replied. “How was the weekend?” “Well, it was just Kurt with me, Stephie,...
June 11, 1989, Chicago, Illinois It was just after 3:00am when I kissed Trish goodbye. She’d been an enthusiastic, energetic, and adventurous lover. We’d done just about anything either of us could think of, though her breasts weren’t large enough for a tit-fuck. The last time had been in the shower where we’d ostensibly gone to clean up afterwards, but instead I ended up taking her from behind as she leaned against the wall of the shower. “I think I’ll have you again, Steve Adams,” she...
May 1978 The first couple of weeks in May were busy with school, work, and friends. Except for Becky, I didn’t even have any dates. But I was OK with that. Well, almost OK. I wanted to see Anna, but it likely wasn’t going to happen until school was out. I had tutoring sessions with Melanie, but she still wouldn’t talk to me about anything other than Spanish. Barely a hello. I was grateful for the tutoring, but it was maddening seeing my friend this way. I hoped someday she could understand...
March, 1982, Milford, Ohio As I drove along I-65, I thought about what Stephanie had asked for and what Bethany had said without even knowing about the request. Of course, because Bethany and I were so in tune, she might have actually had an idea that I was struggling with getting involved with my sister again. I kept turning it over and over in my mind and I kept coming to the same conclusion — that I shouldn’t do it. I was torn between doing what Stephanie wanted and doing what Kara and...
September 7, 1992, Chicago, Illinois “That went reasonably well,” Michelle said when her parents drove off. “There were a few times I thought my expression would give away something I shouldn’t. You were messing with me, weren’t you?” She grabbed both my hands and smiled, “I was telling the truth, in my own way. Thank you!” She leaned forward and kissed my cheek. “So, what’s left?” I asked. “To visit UofC tomorrow and formally withdraw from classes. To spend some time with you and your...
October 1981, Chicago, Illinois I arrived back at the apartment just before 10:00pm and saw the address for the party. I decided I wasn’t particularly interested in going so I put on some music, poured myself a glass of wine, and started reading more about Russia. I was alternating between the history and culture book and the Communist Party book, decided on the history and culture book for this time. I didn’t get much reading done because I was thinking about Tatyana, which led me to...
January 23, 1996, Chicago, Illinois “Father, bless!” I said, greeting Father Basil with upturned palms. “Bless you, Stephen,” he said as I kissed his hand. The waiter showed us to a quiet table along the wall of Roditys in Greektown. He took our drink orders and was back quickly. We placed our food orders right away and he left to put them in with the kitchen. “I’m not quite sure how to address this, so I’m just going to ask you bluntly. Are you the father of Michelle’s baby?” I shook my...
June 29, 1995, Chicago, Illinois On Thursday, I finally had lunch with Melissa again, something I hadn’t been looking forward to. Much like with Cèlia, Melissa and I had passed an inflection point and I was left with sub-optimal paths forward. I’d been struggling with the possible solutions, and all of them had pitfalls. When I walked into Takumi, I had something of a plan. Whether it was good or not would only be known once everything played out. “I spoke to my wives,” I said after we’d...
December 5, 2000, Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minnesota “I had a good time last night,” I said. “I was surprised you invited a friend!” Mary laughed as we walked into the exam room, “Naomi had a good time as well. You know what a Resident’s life is like.” I nodded, “No social life.” “Exactly. You guys seemed to hit it off pretty well.” “Yes, but I’m not here for that!” “You’re everywhere for that, and you know it!” I couldn’t help but laugh. “Let’s just say that you hit the sweet spot -...
March 1980, Hovås/Göteborg, Sweden I woke early as usual, but just enjoyed being in bed with Katt. When she woke, she hopped out of bed and pulled a robe out of her closet and handed it to me. “There’s a spare toothbrush in the bathroom. Go have your shower, then we’ll have breakfast after I have my shower.” I quickly showered and brushed my teeth, and went back to Katt’s room. She went to shower and came back a few minutes later. She dressed, and I got a very good look at her sexy body...
April 5, 1997, Chicago, Illinois “You missed cuddles this morning!” Birgit said accusingly when I walked into the house about 9:30am. “I know, Pumpkin, but I had a work emergency and had to go see Aunt Joyce and Grandpa A.” “And now we have to get ready for karate!” “I know. We’ll have some family time this afternoon. I don’t have any plans.” “Good!” I hugged her and the rest of the kids, then went to find Kara. We hugged and kissed, and went straight upstairs to get ready for...
September 3, 1989, Chicago, Illinois “Good morning, Sensei,” I said, bowing to Sensei Jim. “Good morning!” he said waving me to a chair in his office. “How was your trip?” I asked. “Enlightening. I spent most of my time acting as a manservant to Sensei Robert and Sensei Hiro.” “He who will lead, must first serve,” I said. “Someday, I’m going to send you to Sensei Hiro, should he live long enough. You understand.” “Does that mean you are now 6th Dan?” I...
October 29, 2000, Chicago, Illinois Birgit followed me as far as the stairs, then scooted upstairs when I went to the front door and opened it. “Hi!” Sophie said. “Hi!” I replied and held the door open so she could come into the house. I closed the door behind her then led her to my study where I waited until she went in, and then walked in, closing the door behind me. I nodded to one of the wingback chairs, she sat down in one, and I sat down in the other. “Is something wrong?” she...
August, 1983, Chicago, Illinois I walked in the near 90°F heat to Carla’s place. I was grateful that the humidity of the morning had dropped significantly; otherwise the heat would have been unbearable. By the time I walked up the steps to the apartment over the photography studio and knocked on her door, I had broken into a light sweat. Carla answered almost immediately and invited me inside her studio apartment. The air was moderately cool, and the window air conditioner was running full...
July 1982, Milford, Ohio On Tuesday morning, I kissed Kara goodbye and headed to my parents’ house for my usual morning routine with my little sister. She was happy that I could spend the morning with her and asked to take a walk, so we weren’t in the house with my mom. “Let me guess — this walk will end in the clearing,” I said with a smile. “Yes,” she said, taking my hand as we walked down Overlook towards Klondyke. As usual, we turned around and walked back, taking the path to the...
March 13, 1994, Chicago, Illinois “Hi, Steve!” Ailea said when she opened the door. “Hi,” I replied, accepting the offered hug. There was no touching of lips, just of cheeks, and I wondered if I’d misread her intentions at her birthday lunch, or if, perhaps, she detected my reluctance to return the offered affection. “Lunch is ready, so go ahead and sit. I’ll bring it in from the kitchen.” I went to the low table, sat down, and a minute later, Ailea brought miso soup and sushi, our usual...
April 3, 1997, Dallas, Texas “Remember what I said about drinking too much,” I said, as I poured bourbon into three cups. We’d stopped at a liquor store, bought a bottle of Blanton’s, and then returned to the small suite I’d reserved at the Westin. Deborah’s room was down the hall, and Krissy’s was two floors below. Krissy’s comment had caught me a bit off guard, but I hadn’t reacted visibly. I didn’t know her quite well enough to know if she’d been teasing with Deborah, so I was being...
March 28, 1991, Chicago, Illinois “This day belongs to you, Kara!” I said when the three of us woke on Thursday morning. “Happy birthday!” Jessica said. “Thanks,” Kara replied happily. “I think I’d like an amazing birthday fuck from our husband, and then a nice loving shower with my wife!” Kara said. “Do we have enough time?” I asked. Jessica giggled, “I set the alarm for thirty minutes earlier!” “Then let’s not waste any of it!” I said pulling Kara to me. Kara’s squeals as I plunged...
September 4, 2000, Chicago, Illinois On Monday morning I went to my study to make a surreptitious call to ensure that the surprise I’d planned for Kara was still going to happen, and after confirming that it was, Jesse, Matthew, Michael, and I began preparing for the Labor Day party by getting beer and soda into coolers, getting the grill ready, setting up tables and chairs in the backyard, and ensuring the liquor cabinets were stocked while my wives and daughters worked on food prep in the...
September 1, 1987, Chicago, Illinois “I heard that you have some kind of plan to help Ed,” I said to Connie. “There’s no plan,” she replied. “A witness who saw the shopkeeper alive after Ed left came forward.” That sounded convenient, and I wondered if the witness was real or someone that Anthony had put forward to solve the problem. Certainly, the videotape was real, because I couldn’t imagine how Anthony could have faked that, but the witness? Who knew? “So is he being released? Or is...
August 17, 1997, Chicago, Illinois We finished lunch and Marissa and the younger kids went to play, but Natalie sat with the adults to talk, with coffee, tea, or soft drinks. The Sarcus were very comfortable, but the Heaths were still struggling. But, vitally, they hadn’t left and hadn’t insisted Natalie leave the group. “Can you explain how you developed this attitude and approach?” Chris asked. I nodded, “It started when I was just a bit younger than Natalie. My mom was a total control...
July 1979 — Falkenberg, Sweden On Friday, when I got back from my run, Pam was in her bra and panties again. I whistled at her, she giggled, then finished dressing. I showered, and we went to breakfast and finished up our last day. Once class was done, we were pretty much free. On Saturday, we’d have several optional activities and then on Sunday we’d head back to our host families. After dinner on Friday, I took Pam’s hand and we walked towards the river. It was quiet and peaceful, and...
July 1980, Over the North Atlantic We reached cruising altitude, and I settled back to read my book. Pam raised the armrest between us, snuggled close to me and read as well. The cabin crew offered drinks, and I had my first Coke in a year! Meal service began about an hour and a half into the flight. After the cabin crew picked up the trays and offered drinks again, they passed once more, offering headsets for the movie. Trevor and Maria took them, but Pam and I didn’t, instead we turned on...
July 8, 1997, Chicago, Illinois “Is it really that surprising?” Leah asked. “I suppose not,” I replied. “I just didn’t read too much into the kiss on the cheek.” “I didn’t think it was a good idea to kiss you on the lips with all those people around, because I had no idea who they were or what they would think. You were VERY careful with our dance, so I kind of followed your lead.” Which showed very mature thinking on her part. Both of these girls were exactly the kind of students I...
November 8, 1993, Chicago, Illinois A dark fog swirled before my eyes as I tried to take stock. My head hurt, badly. I felt something on my face and realized, dimly, it was an oxygen mask. My right hand was uncomfortable and I recognized the feeling of an IV and pulse-oximeter. My left arm ached fiercely. On my chest I felt the pads and wires of an EKG. I didn’t feel anything else wrong as I continued taking inventory. I tried to open my eyes, but the fog didn’t clear. I tried to speak, but...
August, 1983, Chicago, Illinois In the morning Anala and I ran as we had the previous time, then showered together, carefully washing each other’s bodies in an intimate but non-sexual way. After our shower we went to the kitchen and I made breakfast and we sat down to eat. “Steve, may I make a suggestion?” she asked. “Sure.” “Broaden your circle of friends. Other than me, all of you are white, nominally Christian, 20-year-old Americans. And you don’t invite me to your Sunday...