Wild in the CountryChapter 33
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ThePornGuy free porn video
I’m not The Porn Guy. I’m not really sure how many times I have to say this, but people keep confusing me with that asshole. Sure, we’ve both got “Porn” in our names, and we both have websites devoted to the topic, but that’s pretty much where the similarities end. I think it should be obvious just by looking at what we have to offer, but the internet’s a funny place, and Google sure doesn’t know any fucking better. So maybe this will be a good time to dig in and let you all know who the original is and who’s just a low-grade copycat.
ThePornGuy.org wasn’t even registered until 2019. His basic setup may look similar to mine, offering rankings and reviews of porn sites in different categories, but I’ve been doing this for nearly a decade now. Experience alone says a lot, but there are also the matters of style, delivery, and just plain old usefulness. There are many good reasons why I’m getting 120 times as much traffic as he is, so let’s get into them, shall we?
What’s So Good About ThePornGuy?
As lame as he might be, ThePornGuy does get half a million visitors a month. If you’ve tried your hand at online smut peddling or just getting your friends and family to visit your lame Insta, you might be impressed with that number. (If you’ve been doing your homework at my site PornWebmasters, though, your own site may already be getting way more traffic.) Still, half a million visitors don’t come from anywhere, which means he must be doing something right.
The first thing he’s doing right is choosing a good name. As much as it annoys the fuck out of me, it certainly doesn’t hurt him that people keep confusing the two of us. They think, “Oh, The Porn Guy? Yeah, I remember seeing his site a few times while looking for some good anal or teen blowjob porn.” Of course, they’re actually thinking of me and my site, but I get it, your brain isn’t too focused on website titles when you’re on the hunt for something to shake your dick at.
The second thing he’s doing right is ripping off my whole setup. Again, it’s obnoxious to me and ultimately a disservice to the visitors looking for a good fap, but the list-and-review format is a winner. There’s a reason I’ve been steadily building my traffic and my profile for years, getting nods and interviews in online and traditional media. It’s all in that convenient format that helps perverts find the fap fodder they’re looking for—at least when it’s done right.
The third thing is less of a right thing he did and more of a global internet coincidence. You see, you don’t grow as popular as ThePornDude without ruffling a few feathers among the worldwide community of prudes, fussers, and those with their panties in a bunch and their jimmies all rustled. ThePornDude.com is banned in some countries that haven’t even noticed ThePornGuy.org because it’s just such a lame little rip-off of my own site. I can’t fault the dude for snatching up that traffic that I’m denied in all those countries that hate having a good time.
But What’s He Doing Wrong?
Okay, so we’ve established what ThePornGuy.org does right, but what about all his fuckups? I hate to give the guy a blueprint to improve his rip-off of my own joint, but hey, critiquing adult websites is what I do, so here we go.
Some of this is going to be obvious even to the most casual of observers. For example, just look at his fucking layout. Open ThePornGuy in one tab and ThePornDude in another. If you tell me you don’t really notice the difference, I’ll ask you to get your eyes checked. I’ve put time and effort into making mine look easy on the eyes. The Porn Guy looks like he hired the cheapest artist on Fiverr to do the portrait for his logo, slapping the site name around the cartoon in one of the ugliest fonts I’ve ever seen.
The sandwich may take on my own general appearance but just look at the meat inside. The whole thing’s a mix of clashing colors and mixed-up fonts that comes off looking amateur as hell like it was made by your aunt, who doesn’t understand the internet but wants to sell MLM yoga pants. Any of you old enough to remember internet relics like GeoCities and MySpace will recognize the thrown-together aesthetic immediately. It isn’t pretty by any measure.
The Porn Guy has tried to implement a site preview in the header that pops up as you hover over the name of a site he’s listed. It’s a neat-sounding feature, but it just doesn’t work. I actually thought it was spam at first, with banner advertisements slipping through my ad blocker, but it’s just poor design. There’s not enough room in the header, so you get a jumble of ad-looking bullshit instead of a good preview. It’s almost a shame that ThePornGuy fumbled so bad on a feature he would have one-upped me on.
They Hate Me ‘Cause They Ain’t Me
I don’t mean to get too personal, but the dude did rip off my site and tried to rip off my whole identity. The thing is, you can’t just become ThePornDude by giving yourself a similar title. I’m not just a funny name and an extensive list of affiliate links, like this clown. I’m a respectable porn reviewer because I know what I’m talking about and because I’m a funny, entertaining motherfucker. You see, any horny retard can tell you about his favorite lesbian double-dildo video, but how many do you actually want to listen to?
Dig into any of the reviews at ThePornGuy, and you’ll find a pale imitation of my style. He’s got most of the dirty words but none of the ingenuity of the original. It’s the difference between the dirty jokes you told in middle school and the nasty shit that makes you laugh as a grownup. For example, nobody cares if you say “dildo,” so you’d better wrap a joke around it if you want a chuckle.
Then again, it’s hard not to appreciate the timeless juvenile humor of using a word like “butthole” in an otherwise ordinary sentence. You don’t even need any bong hits to appreciate that kind of wordplay, though it helps. I wonder if I’m conceding some comedic prowess on the part of The Porn Guy or just relishing a general form we can all master. Now, everyone repeat after me: butthole-fisting BBWs barfed on their own buttery boobs. Here’s your Certificate of Completion from ThePornDude School of Comedy.
Is It Even Worth My Time or Yours?
The big question remains: why are so many people visiting ThePornGuy.org when the original is right here and just as easy to get to? He imitated a winning formula and gets traffic where I’m banned, but can that account for all of it?
Well, another thing that could be said for The Porn Guy is that his reviews and rankings aren’t exact duplicates of my own. I get a lot of imitators, many of whom just straight-up copy everything word-for-word from ThePornDude. The Porn Guy’s at least coming up with his own lists, giving them rankings that I might not, judging them by his own set of merits. So if you like the format but think I’m full of shit, this one could theoretically be worth a look.
But is it really? I guess it depends on what you’re looking for in a porn site directory. If you just need a quick list of sites in a particular category, this one will probably do. It may not be as exhaustive as my own, so you won’t have quick access to quite as many sites, but ThePornGuy is presumably fine for general stuff that’s easy to find.
If you want your porn site index to have more lists in more genres, more reviews, better humor, sexier design, and just overall more pornographic utility? Well, in that case, you’re already in the right place. ThePornDude.com will always be the original and best porn site directory on the web. I’d concede the crown if a better one ever came along, but that isn’t going to be The Porn Guy.
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