Love And Sex In The Time of Zombies
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Do you know what it’s like to be hunted? Well, I do. Night after night they come for me. All because of what I am. It’s not easy being a zombie in a world full of humans, folks. I didn’t choose this. It’s not much of a life but it’s all I’ve got. And I’ll be damned if I simply let them take it from me. Here I am, roaming through the woods of rural Massachusetts, being tracked down by men and women with guns, and those damn dogs they use to sniff out my kind.
I’m injured, tired and it’s frigging snowing. Blood drips from my wounds. I don’t really feel the pain but the blood drops are acting like a trail of bread crumbs leading my enemies to me. This frigging sucks. I’m not sure I’m going to make it. The others were cut down a while back, and if the humans have anything to say about it, I’m going to be next. I lean against a towering evergreen tree, temporarily sheltered from the snow storm. If I had a lighter, I’d try to make a fire, or maybe smoke what might very well be my last cigarette. But I don’t so fuck that.
I guess a little back story is in order. You might wonder, who the fuck is this dude and why is he rambling about being a zombie? For all you know, I might be an escaped mental patient who’s whacked out on drugs. I’m not. You’ll have to take my word on that. My name is Eli Rommel Etienne. I stand five feet eleven inches tall, kind of chubby and dark-skinned, but pretty in the face. Born on the first day of February 1986 in the island of Haiti. My mother, Rachel Etienne died giving birth to me. I moved to America with my father, businessman Mathieu Etienne in 1999. Went to Hyde Park High School in Boston, Massachusetts, and got my diploma in 2004. Next, I attended Roxbury Community College and graduated in 2007 with an associate’s degree in Criminal Justice. I wanted to go to the Boston Police Academy to become a city cop but I guess I applied too late. They told me better luck next time. Yeah, right. I worked security at a mall to pay the rent in my small yet pricy Brighton apartment.
I’m just a regular guy who ran into a bit of bad luck recently. You see, I died. Wasn’t my time but whatever. The people who killed me didn’t seem to think so. I was going out with this chick named Kimberly Stallone whom I met back at the college. She was tall, stacked, and a bit thick, but she had a pretty face, with the big round booty from hell. We had a good time. This chocolate-skinned sister was going places. She attended Bridgewater State College on a scholarship and wanted to be a doctor someday. Yeah, she had beauty and brains. I thought we were a good match. The future cop and the lady doctor. Not bad, hey? Unfortunately, Kimberly was seeing this guy named Stanford Wilson behind my back. This white dude had a thing for the sisters. He was also rich, and one of the smartest people at MIT. He was working on a bio-engineered chemical agent which could basically cure any injury. He was about to make billions off it. I guess my girlfriend liked the dollars more than she liked a brother.
I walked in on her and Mister Man and the dude basically shot me. I took two bullets to the chest and died. Kimberly helped him cover up the murder. They put my body on ice. Wilson and his genius colleagues used my body as part of their experiment. The formula they created did heal living organisms at an accelerated rate. However, what it did to recently deceased organic entities was something else entirely. Basically, it brought them back to life. They injected me with it and let me frost for a while. Then I came back to life and my real problems started. Wilson sold his formula to the United States Government for billions of dollars. I was part of the package so I got sold too.
The government took me along with the bodies of recently deceased men and women from the streets and began reanimating us to use us as super soldiers. We weren’t super soldiers. We were zombies. But we’re not like the shambling, dumb-ass, slow-moving freaks you see in the movies. We retain our ability to think. We can also talk. Basically, we’re the same way we were before, except we’re now dead. And we require fresh meat in order to stay alive. Well, undead anyway. Since we’re all technically dead. Our hearts don’t beat. But our brains and bodies are still active due to the reanimation agent in the formula. We don’t feel pain anymore because the damn doctors severed the nerve endings which carry the pain impulse in our nervous systems. This makes us quite hard to stop. Once we get moving, only the destruction of our brains will stop us. Nothing else will.
I frigging hate the life of a zombie, to tell you the truth. The scientists and the soldiers in the top secret underground lab where they kept us treated us like animals. We’re not mindless brutes with a ravenous hunger for human flesh. We’re just recently deceased people who have been brought back to life. I don’t have the desire to eat people, or hurt anybody. Except maybe the asshole Wilson and my lousy ex-girlfriend Kimberly, the bitch who betrayed me. I wouldn’t mind going all movie zombie on them, I’ll tell you that much right now. But that’s only because they have it coming. They murdered me and sold me to the government like a piece of meat. That is just wrong and a violation of my human rights, even though I’m not human anymore.
My fellow zombies and I try to stick together in the lab. The humans are constantly prodding us with electrified sticks to see if we can still feel pain. We don’t feel pain anymore but I’ll be damned if I let some motherfucker or bitch stick an electrified object up my ass. Hell to the no on that one, folks! I met some of my fellow zombies and their stories would surprise you. In the cell next to mine is a tall, good-looking Hispanic chick with black hair, bronze skin and pale green eyes. Her name is Marianna Guillermo and she’s a dead ringer for Jennifer Lopez, except with a much bigger and finer-looking booty. Marianna is from Andover, Massachusetts. She’s twenty three years old and used to attend UMass-Amherst before she died. Her body was ‘acquired’ by the government and reanimated.
I thought she was cool. A little deader than the women I’m used to, but basically okay. The guards would hassle her and ask her to strip naked, just because they’re a bunch of fascists. All the human guards, both male and female, were a bunch of cruel sadists. One of them, a short, blonde-haired white chick named Lauren took a particular interest in Marianna. They would get their freak on lesbo style in the cell and I’d try really hard not to watch. Often, I would fail in that endeavor because everybody knows two hot chicks getting it on is hot. Hey, I’m not dead, just undead. The sight of two gorgeous women naked still brings part of me to life. Anyway, these two luscious ladies carried on their affair for about a month until Marianna snapped Lauren’s neck in the middle of sex and took her keys.
Damn, I’ve seen some female violence in my day but that shit was cold. Smiling, Marianna left her cell and then proceeded to free me, along with some of the other undead inmates. We managed to free only a few of them. Let’s see, there was David Mathieu, a skinny, light-skinned black guy from the West Indies. He died in a boating accident in Rhode Island and how he wound up in a Massachusetts facility for the undead is a mystery to me. The other person we freed was Mindy, a tall, red-haired, porcelain-skinned white chick who kind of reminded me of that redhead actress from Boogie Nights. Her name escapes me at the moment but whatever. The four of us made a run for it.
The undead cages are kept at the very bottom of the facility. There are floors upon floors filled with personnel and equipment. That means soldiers with big guns and scientists in lab coats. We had to create a diversion in order to escape. Fortunately, Marianna was a lady with a plan. She grabbed a soldier and forced him to take us to the generator. Once we shut it down, the zombie cages automatically slammed right open, freeing do
zens upon dozens of pissed-off undead men and undead women with a major bone to pick with the soldiers and scientists. As soon as the cages swung open, my fellow zombies began attacking the humans. We took advantage of that to reach an elevator leading to the surface. Once there, Marianna dispatched the soldier in a fairly gruesome fashion. Let’s just say he lost his head.
Once we reached the surface, we were in for a surprise. We were in the woods, somewhere in Massachusetts. And there was a snowstorm on. Zombies like myself don’t feel pain, heat or cold. However, we require sustenance to function. Since we hadn’t fed before escaping from the base, we weren’t exactly in peak condition. Still, freedom was at hand and we made a run for it. We can run no faster than ordinary humans, but we don’t get tired like they do. We will go on until our bodies give out. Hell, we could conceivably walk as living skeletons if we had to. And that’s what we did. For three days the storm raged, and along Marianna, David and Mindy, I marched through the icy wilderness of rural Massachusetts.
We didn’t know where we were going but escape was our only option. Somehow, we had to reach the nearest town or city and warn people about the abuses the government was committing in the name of warfare. If you ask me, it must be a warmongering Republican prick who green lighted this undead project. I hope these red state-dwelling bastards and bitches lose big in 2008. The soldiers came after us. In cars, on foot and by helicopter. And they had dogs, too. One by one I watched my fellow zombies fall.
The confrontation occurred in a clearing where we took refuge from the storm. The soldiers snuck up on us with their dogs. They ordered us to surrender. Like hell. We were hopelessly outnumbered but could a mere gun kill a dead man? I was willing to test the limits of my status as an undead Haitian-American man. I charged the soldiers. My fellow zombies and I put up one hell of a fight. Marianna disarmed a soldier, took her weapon and shot her in the head before blasting the others. Mindy, whom I hadn’t thought of as fighter material, proved to be quite fierce. She took a soldier’s machete and decapitated him. As for me, I waded into these men and women in uniform. I wrestled down a large female soldier who, once I knocked her rifle out of her hands, went for her knife. I took the knife from her and plunged it into her forehead. Then, I went for the next soldier. David blasted three men with an assault rifle. For a moment, I thought we were winning. Then the cars came and cut us down. Marianna took a volley of bullets to the head, and went down.
David picked up a machete and cut off a soldier’s head right before the soldier’s companions blasted him with a barrage of lead. Mindy suffered a similar fate. With a start I realized I was the only one left alive, well, undead. I ran. They chased me. I ran and ran through the woods, until I couldn’t run anymore. You see, my legs were frozen almost solid. So I leaned against a tree to shelter myself from the storm and thought of ways to bring unlife back to my freezing feet. I wouldn’t get far without them. Crawling through the snow wasn’t my idea of a good time, even though it wouldn’t stop me. so I got moving again, until I came to a frozen river. I walked on the frozen waters, kicking my legs to reanimate them. That wasn’t such a good idea. The ice cracked, and I fell through. I don’t know for how long I rested there, in a kind of suspended animation. I don’t much care. I’m a dead man and the snow and the cold can’t kill me. With the heavy snowfall, my tracks will soon be covered. It will be next to impossible for the soldiers to find me. I’m staying in since I’ve got no choice.
And so I stayed at the bottom of the river. In suspended animation. When I finally came to, it was a brand new world. You’ve got no idea. I was rescued by a strange group of men and women in old Army uniforms. I almost shat myself when they revived me after pulling me out of the river. I thought I was in government hands but there was no human government anymore. And not many humans left either. The United States of America have fallen, as have many governments around the world. The only remnant of human civilization left is in South Africa, of all places.
You see, the zombies who broke out of the underground bunker survived, and made many more of themselves by infecting humans through their bite. Guess who was the local zombie militia leader? None other than Marianna, the tough-as-nails hot zombie chick. I couldn’t believe it. She was still alive! She smiled and greeted me with a hug and a big, sloppy French-kiss. Apparently, she wasn’t gay. The hot Latina zombie was bisexual! Lucky me! I was surprised, to tell you the truth. First, she was still undead and active, and second, she was kissing me. She explained to me that the human soldiers brought her and the others back to base, where they reanimated them again after killing them. After their second reanimation, they had gotten stronger. I saw David and Mindy, who were undead and well! They welcomed me with open arms.
They were the first generation of super zombies. These newly spawned zombies in turn made many more. Soon, the humans were a minority on their own planet. In Spring of 2009, zombies rule the world. I smiled as the zombie soldiers took me to Boston, where undead civilization was thriving. Undead fathers and undead mothers took their undead sons and undead daughters to the Franklin Park Zoo. Except that all the wild animals at the zoo had been freed, of course. Nah, the only things still in cages were the few dozen living humans remaining in the state of Massachusetts. And we pointed at them and made fun of them for being the inferior species we know them to be just like we should. It was a good day. I looked up at the sky, and smiled. It’s good to be undead!
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