Randomized & Faceless - SEX DIARY - August 201 free porn video

THURSDAY, the 1st of AUGUST 2013
I ENTERTAINED A FOURTH THREESOME WITH JO INTRODUCING NEWCOMER THOMAS THE MINOR GIANT SAILOR AT A WHOOPING 6'3. HE LIKES ME AND HE LOVED THE FUCKING.
WE DOUBLE TIMED HIM ON A PATCH OF GRASS HIDDEN BY TREES OVERLOOKING THE HIGHWAY. WE PASSED A POLICE CAR. WE PASSED HIS DAD'S, WHO WAS LOOKING FOR HIM CAUSE IT WAS WAY PAST HIS BEDTIME. HE CALLS ME HANDSOME.
HE WAS GREAT DURING SEX, LOVED BEING DOUBLED FOR HIS FIRST THREESOME. IT WAS STRANGE SEEING JO BEING FUCKED. I LIKED WATCHING.
JO MADE THOMAS BEG ME TO FUCK HIM HARDER. HE TOLD ME IN THE CAR. I LOVE OUR POST SEX CONVOS.
I ATE HIM OUT FOR THOMAS TO GET EASIER ACCESS. WE FUCKED BAREBACK AND BOTH CAME IN HIS ASS. THOMAS WANTED TO FINISH HIMSELF OFF BY FUCKING JO. HE DIDN'T COME CAUSE HE WAS DUE HOME. I WAS SURPRISED JO AGREED TO FUCK OUTSIDE SINCE HE HAD A WEIRD HANGUP ABOUT IT.
JO'S FIRST TIME WAS IN A FIELD. OLDER GUY FUCKED HIM AND IT HURT A BUNCH. HE'S OPENING UP. THOMAS LISTENED TO US TALKING ABOUT THE PREVIOUS THREESOMES. HE THOUGHT WE WERE BOYFRIENDS OR THAT WE AT LEAST FUCKED EACH OTHER. JO HAD A SECOND THREESOME WITH KARIM AND USED FLAVOURED CONDOMS.
THE SKY WAS FULL OF STARS, IT WAS MAGIC, AND THE SMELL OF GRASS WAS FINE.

FRIDAY, the 2nd of AUGUST 2013
2.30 PM. I'M AT THE AIRPORT. CHECK IN STARTS AT 5.40. FLIGHT IS AT 7.40.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I'M SO EARLY LIKE I'VE NEVER FLOWN TO ENGLAND BEFORE.
THIS IS JUST TOO SURREAL. WHO WOULD HAVE EXPECTED THAT, BY NECESSITY, GOING BACK HOME WOULD ALLOW ME TO SPEND THE BEST SUMMER EVER? IN A SICK TWISTED WAY, MAYBE THAT EXPLAINS THE EXTRA LUCK. IF DEATH IS ON ITS WAY FOR A DOUBLE ELIMINATION, I WON'T SAY I DIDN'T READ THE SIGNS. I JUST DON'T WANT MY SISTER TO DIE. I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO SURVIVE THIS. I'M ALMOST 27. MAYBE I'M THE ONE ON DEATH ROW. LUCAS HALF JOKES THAT HE WILL KILL HIMSELF AT 34. HE DOESN'T WANT TO GROW OLDER AND HE ALREADY CONSIDERS BOTOX. HE WOULD BE SO PISSED OFF IF HE OUTLIVED ME. MAYBE I COULD GO VINTAGE AND LOOK FOR A SPOT OF BATHROOM INNUENDO.
I GOT FREE WIFI FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES AND MANAGED TO GET AN 18 YEAR OLD INTERESTED IN FUCKING BUT I COULDN'T SEND HIM A DICKPIC, CONNECTION WAS TOO SLOW. I SLIPPED HIM MY NUMBER. I DON'T THINK HE'LL CALL.
I'M SITTING METERS AWAY FROM A GROUP OF FOUR FRENCH CUTE BOYS. NO WAY I'M MAKING A MOVE ON THEM EVEN IF I WANT TO.
JUST CHECKED THE BATHROOM. TOO BUSY WITH CLEANING AGENTS.
THE FOURSOME OF GUYS IS LEAVING, THEY AIN'T THAT CUTE ANYWAY, EXCEPT FOR ONE, WHO IS WEARING A CAP AND A TANK TOP. THEY'RE RELATED. AND THEY'RE GONE. WHO ELSE?
I'M SO BORED. AND HUNGRY. FOOD HUNGRY. GOSH. BOYSCOUTS. A HANDFUL OF THEM. EARLY TEENS. ENGLISH? NOT CUTE.
I ONLY HAVE ONE HOUR AND FORTY MINUTES LEFT ON MY BATTERY. I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND A PLUG. ONE HANDSOME PASSERBY. I'M GOING TO START WORKING ON MY EYE CONTACT SKILLS. I WOULD HAVE BETTER LUCK WITH FLIGHT ATTENDANTS.
NO LUCK ON THE PLUGS AND I'M TIRED OF TROLLING AROUND. I'M NEXT TO MY GATE, WILL WAIT HERE, SAVE ON MY CIGARETTES. ONLY TWO HOURS LEFT…
I'M SITTING NEXT TO THE BATHROOM IN THE CHECK-IN AREA AND THERE'S THIS MUSLIM GUY EYEING ME OUT. HE'S NOT REALLY BUT I AM. HE'S WEARING THE TRADITIONAL MENSWEAR AND IS PROBABLY FASTING SINCE IT'S RAMADAN. HE WAS WAITING FOR A WOMAN TO USE THE BATHROOM. SHE'S ALSO FULLY DRESSED. HE'S STARING AT THE FLOOR ACTUALLY. STILL ONE HOUR AND FORTY MINUTES LEFT.
HE'S GONE. I'M GETTING REALLY HUNGRY. NONE OF THIS IS REALLY INTERESTING. I'M GOING TO GO FOR A SMOKE.
I PASSED THE CHECK-IN, THE XRAYS, AND I'M WAITING IN THE LOUNGE BY MY GATE.
FORTY MINUTES TO GO BEFORE I CAN HOP ON THE PLANE.
I'M EXCITED TO SEE MICHAEL. I ASKED HIM IF HE KISSED IN PUBLIC AND HE SAID YES.
WHAT IF I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO HIM THERE? WILL HE KISS ME HELLO AT THE AIRPORT? WILL HE MAKE ME DINNER OR TAKE ME OUT TO A FANCY RESTAURANT? I RECKON WE'LL STAY IN TONIGHT SINCE HE HAS HIS BIKE TEST TOMORROW. WILL HE TAKE ME ON HIS BIKE? THOUSANDS OF QUESTIONS. WHAT IF WE DO GET ALONG?
I WONDER IF THIS SEXUAL EXPERIMENT, ALL THIS FLIRTING AND CRUISING, WERE NOT JUST MEANT FOR ME TO FEEL A LOT BETTER AND SEXIER, TO PREPARE MYSELF FOR A NEW RELATIONSHIP. WILL IT BE WITH MICHAEL?
THE OTHER GUYS, THAT SAILOR, JO, THE BOTTOMS WE FUCK, ALL OF THIS IS EXPENDABLE. THEY REPRESENT ENDLESS FUN, NO ACTUAL LOVE, IT'S JUST AN ACT. IT'S GOING TO BE WEIRD TO DROP THE MASK. I SOUND LIKE A TEENAGER.
MY LAPTOP IS GOING TO DIE WHEN I'LL HAVE TO BOARD THE PLANE. ANOTHER SIGN.
I WANT TO SMOKE. THIS IS BORING. LOGGING OFF.
I MISSED THE BRITISH ACCENT. THIS IS GOING TO BE LOVELY.

SATURDAY, the 3rd of AUGUST 2013
LIVERPOOL. LAST NIGHT, MICHAEL GOT A LIFT FROM HIS FRIEND NIGEL, AN IRISH HUNK WITH MASSIVE TATTOOED ARMS. I HAD TIME FOR A CIGARETTE, GETTING SLIGHTLY WORRIED.
I DIDN'T EXPECT MIKEY TO BE SHORTER THAN ME. I FINALLY HEARD HIS VOICE. HE GAVE ME A BIG HUG AND HIS CUTE SMILE AND I SHAKED NIGEL'S HAND.
THEY WERE MESSING AROUND, MIKEY WAS MOCKING NIGEL'S POOR PARKING SKILLS. WE GOT INTO THE CAR, MIKEY SITTING NEXT TO ME IN THE BACK WHILE NIGEL DROVE US HOME. TALKING WITH HIM, I HAD THE CERTITUDE HE WAS STRAIGHT, BUT LATER, WHEN WE HAD DRINKS WITH TWO OF MIKEY'S HOUSEMATES, TOM AND STEFAN, A HAIRDRESSER FROM GERMANY, WHO HAVE BEEN GOING OUT FOR FOUR MONTHS, I FOUND OUT NIGEL IS ACTUALLY INTO GUYS.
HE TOOK AN ECSTASY TAB AND HAD A FEW DRINKS BEFORE PICKING ME UP. I LIKE HIM. HE'S FUNNY. HE FED ME VODKA AND CIGARETTES.
LATER AT THE COFFEE HOUSE, RACHEL, A REALLY CUTE BLONDE, ACTUALLY THE LANDLADY'S DAUGHTER, SAID NIGEL WAS A BIG DUMMIE. WE WERE HAVING WINE AND I WAS EATING NUTS.
TODAY IS PRIDE. I HAD NO IDEA. MICHAEL SAID WE'LL GO CLUBBING AFTER THE MARCH, AND THAT WE'LL DO d**gS, EVEN IF HE DOESN'T THAT ANYMORE. IT'S GOING TO BE FUN.
WE HAD A BIT OF SEX AFTER THE COFFEE HOUSE, BACK TO HIS ROOM, WHERE HE KISSED ME FOR THE FIRST TIME AFTER WE GOT BACK FROM THE AIRPORT. HE'S REALLY LOVELY AND AS NICE AS I THOUGHT HE'D BE. WE CUDDLED A LOT LAST NIGHT.
I WAS AFRAID I WAS A BIT TOO MUCH ON HIM. I'VE DONE THIS IN THE PAST, VISITING SOMEONE I REALLY LIKE AND EVERY TIME IT TURNED INTO SHIT. I DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN WITH HIM.
I ALSO GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB IN THE BATHROOM STALL OF THE COFFEE HOUSE. THAT WAS VERY FRENCH OF ME. GOTTA KEEP THE FANTASY GOING. HE ACTUALLY TOLD HIS FRIENDS BUT IT'S FINE, I'M NOT ASHAMED OR ANYTHING. AND IF PEOPLE SEE ME AS THAT HYPERSEXUAL FRENCH BOY, LET THEM EAT CAKE.
MICHAEL HAS THE MOST COMFY BED I'VE EVER SLEPT IN. IT'S A DOUBLE MATTRESS AND IT FEELS LIKE A WATER BED. I'VE SLEPT LIKE A STONE AND WE WOKE UP HIGH SCHOOL EARLY SINCE HE HAD TO PASS THAT BIKE TEST TODAY. HE WILL BE BACK BY 5 I GUESS.
12.20 PM. AFTER THE COFFEE HOUSE, WE WENT TO GET SOME CHINESE, THE WAITRESS WAS REAL NICE AND WE WENT BACK HOME WITH CHIPS, PINEAPPLE PORK AND RIBS. WE HAD A SPOT OF FOOD BUT THEN I RESTED MY HEAD ON HIS LAP AND AIMED FOR HIS COCK. I STARTED SUCKING HIM OFF. WE GOT RID OF THE FOOD AND MADE OUT, SUCKED EACH OTHER, AND I FUCKED HIM BAREBACK A BIT. I REALLY WANT HIM TO FUCK ME. I KNOW HE'S A BIT SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT HIS WEIGHT GAIN BUT I FIND HIM SEXY. HE TOLD ME HE DOESN'T TAKE COMPLIMENTS VERY WELL. I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S BECAUSE HE'S NOT USED TO IT. HIS VOICE IS A BIT FAGGY AND HE HAS THE CUTEST SMILE. I LOVE HIS FACE. AND I FINALLY GOT TO SEE HIS TATTOOS EVEN THOUGH I DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND ALL OF THEM.
THIS MORNING, AFTER HE LEFT, I DID A BIT OF DANCING IN FRONT OF THE TELLY. MY LEFT RIB HURTS, PROBABLY BECAUSE OF THE WEIGHT LOSS. I DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH MEAT ON MY BONES NOW. I'M GETTING FLEXIBLE AGAIN, WHICH FEELS FINE AND ABS ARE STARTING TO SHOW.
THERE'S ONE THING THAT I FIND CORNY ABOUT HIM. HE HAS SOME SORT OF A LEONA LEWIS SHRINE ON HIS MANTELPIECE. AND HE THINKS THE COOPLES IS COOL. I'M EXCITED TO BE HERE. LIVERPOOL LOOKS SWEET. I HAVEN'T GONE FURTHER THE COOP AND THE k**'S PARK YET. IT'S PRETTY WINDY HERE, A LOT MORE THAN NORMANDY.
I HAVE BEEN TEXTING THE SAILOR ALL THE WAY TO THE PLANE. AND WHEN I SMOKED MY FIRST CIGARETTE AFTER LANDING, I GOT A COUPLE MORE FROM HIM.
SINCE IT'S PRIDE, I WANT TO BE THAT EXOTIC THING, FRENCH BOY, AND I'D LOVE TO FLIRT AROUND, EVEN FUCK AROUND, BUT I DON'T WANT TO HURT MIKEY'S FEELINGS. I WONDERED, WHEN I GAVE HIM THE BLOWJOB THEN WHEN WE WERE FUCKING, IF PART OF IT WAS MY WAY TO SAY THANKS FOR FLYING ME OVER. I DON'T THINK IT WAS. I HOPE THIS IS GOING TO WORK. I DO LIKE HIM.
I TOTALLY FORGOT HE WAS ADOPTED. HE TOLD ME HIS BIO MOM HAD HIM WHEN SHE WAS 14 AND THAT HIS MOM IS IN HER SIXTIES. HE SEEMS REALLY CLOSE TO HER.
GOSH HE THREW AWAY THE CHINESE, I MEANT TO EAT THAT NOW. MY BODY IS SORE, ESPECIALLY MY HIPS. I'M GOING TO DANCE SOME MORE AND SHAKE THE RUST AWAY.

SUNDAY, the 4th of AUGUST 2013
7.25 AM. WE TOOK A TAXI BACK HOME. MICHAEL IS ASLEEP. I'M STILL ON ECSTASY SO I WON'T SLEEP FOR A MOMENT.
I COULD HAVE STAYED AT HEAVEN. WE GOT SEPARATED DURING THE NIGHT. THEY LEFT ME AT KARAOKE . MIKEY TOOK E IN THE END. BEING ON MY OWN WAS FUN. THE CHAOS OF PRIDE REMINDED ME OF BRIGHTON. NIGEL HOOKED UP WITH ONE OF MIKEY'S MATES, WHO HE ALSO HOOKED WITH FOR LIKE A WEEK. WE BUMPED INTO MATTHEW IN THE STREET. HE ALSO HOOKED UP WITH HIM FOR A MONTH MATTHEW SAID. HE SAID IT WAS A HUGE THING FOR HIM CAUSE MIKEY MADE HIM ENJOY BOTTOMING.
EARLIER TODAY, NIGEL CAME BY THE HOUSE, HE HAD TAKEN A COUPLE TABS AND ALCOHOL AND WAS HITTING ON MIKEY, LICKING HIS BELLY BUTTON AND CARESSING HIS CROTCH.
I WAITED FOR MIKEY ALL DAY IN HIS ROOM, WATCHING TELLY AND GETTING SOME REST SO THE WINE WE HAD MADE ME SNAPPY. I TOLD NIGEL I WAS OUT OF HIS LEAGUE. I WAS UNCOMFORTABLE WITH HIS BEHAVIOUR TOWARDS MICHAEL WHO DIDN'T SEEM TO MIND THAT MUCH.
WE TALKED ABOUT A THREESOME WITH NIGEL AND MICHAEL SAID HE'D THINK ABOUT IT. I DON'T REALLY WANT THAT TO HAPPEN. WE HAD A CONVERSATION TO CLEAR THE AIR. HE SAID THAT HE WAS FEELING A BIT UNCOMFORTABLE WITH PDA. HE SAID HE LIKED ME, THAT HE WANTS TO BE MORE THAN FRIENDS.
WHEN I GOT INTO HEAVEN, BEFORE KNOWING THEY WERE THERE, I DANCED WITH A GUY. I COULD HAVE HAD SEX WITH HIM, OR ANYONE ELSE. MICHAEL DIDN'T MIND IF I DID. THAT MADE ME WANT TO HOOK UP WITH MATTHEW, NIGEL AND MIKEY'S FRIEND. I FELT JEALOUS WHEN THEY HOOKED UP. WHEN IT WORE OFF, THE FIRST PILL MADE ME FEEL SAD. NOW, I FEEL KINDA NUMB CAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO REACT WITH HIM. I'M SCARED HE'S GOING TO BE FED UP WITH ME. I EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT GOING BACK HOME. I WALKED UP AND DOWN HUNTERS LANE, MIKEY'S STREET, CAUSE I WANTED TO FIND NIGEL AND THAT GUY BUT I GUESS THEY WENT BACK TO THE GUY'S PLACE. I'M HORNY. I HOPE WE'LL HAVE SEX TOMORROW.
5 PM. MICHAEL'S IN THE SHOWER. I READ A CONVO HE HAD WITH MATTHEW. TWO WEEKS AGO, MICHAEL TOLD HIM HE LOVED HIM. THEY HAD A THING, IT WASN'T JUST A HOOK UP. MATTHEW SAID IT HAPPENED BEFORE GAY SEX ON MARS WORKSHOPS. THAT WAS A LIE. THEY PROBABLY STILL HAVE CASUAL SEX. I FEEL SO STUPID AND PLAYED. LIKE IT ONLY TOOK HIM TO MAKE ME COME HERE TO BE SATISFIED AND NOW HE COULDN'T GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT ME. THE PROMISCUITY ALSO PUTS ME DOWN. IT'S THE SAME AS IN PARIS. PEOPLE HOOK UP, THEY FUCK IN THEIR INNER CIRCLE OF FRIENDS AND COLLEAGUES. I DON'T NEED ANOTHER WEEK OF THAT. I'LL BE BETTER HOME WITH MY ROUTINE OF ONLINE BOYFRIENDS AND THREESOMES TO ORGANISE. ANOTHER FAILURE. WE'VE WATCHED TELLY AND ARE ABOUT TO WATCH A MOVIE. HE FEELS LIKE SHIT AS HE'S HUNGOVER. I'M GOING TO ASK HIM IF HE TOOK AN INSURANCE ON MY FLIGHT. AS SOON AS I GET MY MONEY, I'M OUT OF HERE.
I SPENT AN HOUR MASSAGING MICHAEL WHILE HE WAS ASLEEP TO GET TO KNOW HIS BODY, THE WAY HIS ASS SMELLS, THAT KIND OF THING. THAT COULD BE THE FIRST SCENE OF A PORNO. I HATE FEELING VULNERABLE LIKE THIS, AS IF PLAYING HOUSE WAS A GOOD IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE. I SHOULD LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES. I OWE HIM £65 AND EVEN IF HE DIDN'T TAKE AN INSURANCE, I'LL JUST GO ANYWAY. MAYBE WITHOUT EVEN SAY GOODBYE. THIS WASN'T MEANT TO HAPPEN.

MONDAY, the 5th of AUGUST 2013
NIGEL SPENT THE NIGHT. NO FUCKING. THEY SPENT THE ENTIRE TIME ON THEIR PHONE. THE FILM WAS PAUSED. MIKEY'S COMPUTER WAS ON. FOUR SCREENS FOR TWO GUYS. I SMOKED SOME OF NIGEL'S WEED WITH HIS PIPE AND THAT MADE ME REALIZE HOW STUPID I'VE BEEN TO EVEN COME HERE. HE CAME BY MID WATCHING JOHN CAMERON MITCHELL'S HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH. HE WOULDN'T TELL US ABOUT HIS NIGHT. I HAVEN'T REALLY BEEN ALONE WITH MICHAEL YET. WE GOT THE MUNCHIES. NIGEL DROVE US TO TESCO. I FELT LIKE A CHAV WITH MY NEW MIAMI CAP I FOUND ON THE STREET ON PRIDE, MY LARGE WHITE VINTAGE WIFEBEATER, MIKEY'S PALE BLUE HOODIE, MY PJS AND MIKEY'S PURPLE JEAN SHOES. I GOT A PINK GLAZED DOUGHNUT TO COMPLETE THE LOOK.
WE GOT THE SAME CHINESE AND WENT BACK HOME TO WATCH SAW. I HAD GINGER FISH & CHIPS WITH SOY. MICHAEL WAS STILL PRETTY TIRED.
2.56 PM. HE'S AT WORK FOR ANOTHER GOOD HOUR AND HALF. WHAT DO I WANT TO DO TONIGHT: I SUGGESTED A PROPER DATE. MAYBE THAT'S WHAT WE NEED. I HAVEN'T RECEIVED MY MONEY YET BUT I REPACKED MY SUITCASE AND MY BACKPACK IN CASE. I SPENT THE ENTIRE NIGHT WANTING TO ASK HIM IF HE HAD TAKEN AN INSURANCE ON MY FLIGHT BUT I JUST ASKED HIMHOW MUCH THE FLIGHT COST. IT WAS AROUND £151 RETURN. WHEN WE WERE IN BED LAST NIGHT, ONCE NIGEL LEFT, I ASKED MICHAEL IF HE THOUGHT I SHOULD LEAVE. NO. I'M STILL NOT CONVINCED. WAS I UNHAPPY HERE? I DIDN'T FEEL HE TRULY WANTED ME HERE. I WAS SPOONING HIM AND HE SQUEEZED MY HAND. I DON'T THINK HE'LL MENTION IT UPON HIS RETURN. HE'LL JUST PRETEND HE DIDN'T.
THE WEATHER IS QUITE BAD AND I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET ONLINE. I OPENED A BOTTLE OF MY LATE FATHER'S WINE, BORDEAUX CHÂTEAU SAINT-ANTOINE 2001. IT'S REALLY GOOD. I'M SURE HE NEVER THOUGHT HIS WINE COLLECTION WOULD BE s**tTERED AWAY AND DOWNED IN BLEAK MANCHESTER.
WATCHING THE JEREMY KYLE SHOW: MICHAEL AND HIS SISTER VICKY, THEIR MOM COULDN'T SPELL VICTORIA SO SHE ENDED UP WITH VICKY INSTEAD, JOKED THAT THEIR BIOLOGICAL PARENTS COULD BE ON IT. THEIR FATHER, WHO'S ALSO NAMED MICHAEL, IS A MURDERER AND ALWAYS IN AND OUT OF PRISON AND IS WAY MUCH OLDER THAN THEIR MOTHER.
I HAVE DIFFICULTIES ADAPTING TO MICHAEL JUNIOR IRL. WE LOOK LIKE AN OLD COUPLE AND IT'S ONLY BEEN THREE DAYS. THE FLIRTING, THE ATTRACTION, THE LOVEYDOVEY BULLSHIT WORDS, ALL IS GONE. I'M HERE, I EAT JUNK FOOD, SWEETS, I GET HIGH AND PISSED drunk. IT'S SHIT.
MICHAEL IS CLEARLY DEPRESSED. HIS EX BOYFRIEND USED TO BEAT HIM UP AND TRIED TO BLOW HIS CANDLE BY CHOKING HIM TO DEATH ON PRIDE IN MANCHESTER A COUPLE YEARS AGO HENCE WHY HE PANICKED ON THIS PAST PRIDE. ATTEMPTED MURDER. NEAT.
NIGEL DROVE US TO THE WATERFRONT. IT WAS WINDY, IT SMELLED OF THE SEA. I ENJOYED IT EVEN IF I WAS A BIT NUMB FROM HALF A BOTTLE OF RED I NURSED AND WE ACTUALLY WENT TO MANCHESTER JUST FOR FUN.
WE PLAYED GUESSING GAMES DURING THE DRIVE BUT I GAVE UP PRETTY QUICKLY CAUSE I DIDN'T GET THEM. WE STOPPED AT A GAS STATION, NIGEL GOT US SWEETS, COFFEE AND CIGARETTES. IT FELT LIKE A ROAD TRIP EVEN IF MANCHESTER IS JUST A FORTY MINUTE DRIVE. I'M STILL TAKING A STEP BACK. I LET THEM TALK AND PLAY AND GO ON GRINDR WITH NIGEL'S PHONE.
BACK HOME, MICHAEL AND I TALKED A BIT MORE ABOUT HIS DEPRESSION. THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED FOR COMING HERE. THEN WE WATCHED FAMILY GUY AND AMERICAN DAD. AGAIN, NOT WHAT I'VE SIGNED FOR. I'M ANXIOUS I WON'T HAVE MY MONEY TOMORROW. WHY AM I EVEN DOING THIS, TALKING TO ALL THESE BOYS, HAVING THESE RELATIONSHIPS? MICHAEL SAID HE WISHED HE COULD STAR IN SOAP OPERAS. HE DID HOLLYOAKS ONCE. I GET THE SHRINE NOW.
I FEEL LIKE I'M HERE TO COLLECT THEIR PAIN, TO SOAK IT UP AND PASS THE SPONGE. THEY CALL IT EMPATH, MORE LIKE HUM... PASS. I NEVER FULLY REALIZED THAT BY ADDING BOYS, I WAS ADDING UP PAIN, SADNESS, DOUBTS. IT'S LIKE I'M IN THIS GIANT PARLOUR FULL OF VOICES.
THE WASHING MACHINE WOKE ME UP. I WENT TO THE KITCHEN AND TURNED THE LEFT FAUCET THAT IS ALWAYS LEAKING. THE BUZZING STOPPED IN THE ROOM.

TUESDAY, the 6th of AUGUST 2013
MICHAEL'S KICKING ME OUT. I TOOK A TAXI AND TWO POUNDS LATER I WAS AT MATTHEW'S.
THIS IS GETTING SURREAL. I QUITE ENJOY IT TO BE HONEST. HE'S BEEN TEXTING MATTHEW ABOUT THE FLIGHT MONEY. I DID MENTION IT. I'M NOT SURE I WANT TO NOW. THAT'S ALL HE SEEMS TO BE INTERESTED IN. THIS AND THAT MATTHEW FORGIVES HIM FOR THE HASSLE WE'VE BEEN PUTTING HIM THROUGH. HE NEVER LIKED ME OR I MADE HIM HATE ME, I'M NOT TOO SURE.
I TOLD HIM EVERYTHING I HAD KEPT FOR MYSELF. HE LEFT, TOOK HIS KEYS, PHONE AND WENT OUTSIDE. I TALKED TO ADRIAN ON FACEBOOK THEN WENT AFTER HIM. HE WOULDN'T STOP WALKING, HE SAID BAD THINGS TO ME, BROUGHT UP STUFF I TOLD HIM IN PRIVATE TO USE AGAINST ME, SAID I HAVE BEEN DIRESPECTFUL TO HIS FRIENDS LIKE WHEN I MADE FUN OF STEFAN'S HAIR IN PRIVATE CAUSE I TOLD HIM IT SUITED HIM BUT DIDN'T MEAN IT AND WHEN I TOLD NIGEL I FELT UNCOMFORTABLE WITH HIS BEHAVIOUR WHEN HE WAS MESSING AROUND WITH MICHAEL.
ANYWAY, THIS WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN. I GOT MY MONEY TODAY AND FIRST THING I DID WAS TO COMPENSATE MY HOST AND REPLACE FOOD. I KEPT TALKING ABOUT TAKING AN EARLY FLIGHT.
I UNDERSTAND WHERE HE'S COMING FROM BUT ACTUALLY KICKING ME OUT WAS UNCALLED FOR. AT LEAST I KNOW NOW HE'S CAPABLE OF MAKING DECISIONS.
WE'VE TALKED WITH MATTHEW ABOUT WHY HE ACTED LIKE THAT. MATTHEW SUGGESTED A POWER TRIP GONE SOUR, MICHAEL JUNIOR GETTING OFF ON THE FACT THAT HE COULD MAKE ME COME HERE, USE ME AND THEN TOSS ME OUT. I DON'T WANT TO THINK THAT. I'M SURE I TRIGGERED SOME SAFE MODE IN HIM, HE HAD TO HAVE ME LEAVE TO FEEL BETTER. HIS LAST MESSAGE TO ME WAS: JUST GO. LEAVE THE MONEY FOR THE FLIGHT, FIND A HOTEL FOR TONIGHT AND LEAVE.

WEDNESDAY, the 7th of AUGUST 2013
1.57 AM. GOOD MORNING ENGLAND. THE WORST TO HAPPEN NEXT IF THIS WAS A LIFETIME MOVIE WOULD BE HOOKING UP WITH MATTHEW. MICHAEL HASN'T DELETED ME OFF FACEBOOK.
I'M WONDERING IF I SHOULD SHOW UP TO HIS PLACE TOMORROW WITH SOME FLOWERS AND THE FLIGHT MONEY. OR JUST TAKE THE MONEY AND BURN IT ON HIS FRONT LAWN. I'D LIKE TO STAY IN LIVERPOOL UNTIL SUNDAY NIGHT, MAYBE GO OUT AND MEET A GUY, MAKE THE MOST OF IT AS PEOPLE SAY BUT I CAN'T IMPOSE MYSELF ON MATTHEW AND HIS HOUSEMATES CAUSE ONE OF THEM IS IN MOURNING FOR HER HUSBAND'S DEATH ANNIVERSARY. I'M SLEEPING ON A SOFA IN THE TV ROOM AND I HAVE NO PLUG CONVERTER FOR MY LAPTOP. I SHOULD HAVE STOLEN STEFAN'S.
I'M ON MANHUNT.

SUNDAY, the 11th of AUGUST 2013
PROCESSING THE MICHAELGATE IN PARIS, A WITCHHUNT LIKE DAMOCLES'.
I MET ALEX FOR DINNER AND A MOVIE OFF THE APP. IT FELT REFRESHING NOT TO DO ANY SEX.
SATURDAY MORN AROUND 4 AM, I WENT TO LE DÉPÔT WHEREI MET NABIL. HE'S 23, HE'S ALGERIAN, BEEN IN PARIS FOR TWO YEARS. HE'S DOPE.
I FIRST TALKED TO HIM IN THE SMOKING AREA, THEN LATER WHEN I ASKED HIM FOR A CIGARETTE THEN FINALLY AROUND THE MAZE OF DOORS, GLORY HOLES AND HORNY UGLY GUYS. HE WAS FAIRLY drunk. HE DOESN'T REMEMBER A THING OF OUR ENCOUNTER. WE TALKED, HE HUGGED ME THEN GAVE ME A KISS. WE MADE OUT, IT WAS REALLY GOOD. HE DIDN'T FEEL THAT GOOD SO HE RESTED ON MY LAP THEN WE WENT TO LUCAS' SINCE HE WAS AWAY AT HIS SURBUBIAN HALF-BROTHER'S WHERE PEOPLE GET MURDERED. WE SPENT THE WHOLE DAY TOGETHER, HE EVEN STAYED FOR SHOW WHEN LUCAS CAME BACK HOME. WE MADE OUT A LOT, TALKED A LOT TOO AND CUDDLED LIKE BOYFRIENDS. WE BOTH FELT REALLY CONNECTED AND EVEN MORE SURPRISED TO BE. I FUCKED HIM IN AND OUT IN A SECOND CAUSE IT HURT HIM AND HE WANTED TO TAKE HIS TIME.
I QUITE LIKE HIM TO BE HONEST. WE'VE SKYPED AND BEEN TEXTING SINCE. WE AGREED UPON DATING. HE'S QUITE FUNNY AND HE HAS A BIT OF A MACHO SIDE. HE'S NOT OUT TO HIS FAMILY AND SEEMS TO SUFFER A GREAT DEAL FROM IT, HAVING TO LIE ALL THE TIME, PLUS HIS BROTHER, WHO HE LIVES WITH, IS HOMOPHOBIC. I'D LIKE TO SEE HIM AGAIN. HE'S GOING TO BARCELONA NEXT WEEK AND I INVITED MYSELF THERE BUT THEN HE SAID THAT HE WOULDN'T HAVE ME THERE SINCE HE WANTS TO PARTY BOYFRIEND MATERIAL FREE.
LAST NIGHT, WE WENT OUT WITH LUCAS FIRST TO SCREAM THEN TO COCKORICO. I MET A GUY THERE AS WELL. HIS NAME IS ERIC, HE'S MY AGE, DRESSED TO THE NINES IN 21ST CENTURY HIGH FASHION, SPORTING THE SO CALLED NEW YORK UNIFORM. NORMCORE IN MICHAEL CORRS.
I WAS DANCING LIKE ROBYN. HE DID COME UP TO ME AND SLIDE IN AN INVITE FOR A SMOKE. THAT RARELY HAPPENS TO ME. WE TALKED, HE SAID I WAS CUTE, HUGGED ME THEN KISSED ME ON THE CHEEK. THEN WE KISSED SOME MORE, HUNG OUT AND WE WENT BACK TO HIS PLACE BUT THEN HE CHANGED HIS MIND. HE SAID THERE WERE NO MIDDLE GROUND IF WE WERE TO GO TO HIS PLACE, WE'LL EVENTUALLY FUCK AND SINCE HE JUST CAME OF A SIX-YEAR RELATIONSHIP AND IS CURRENTLY DATING SOMEONE ELSE, HE FELT GUILTY SO WE WENT BACK TO LUCAS' INSTEAD WHO WAS ON HIS WAY TO FUCK A RANDOM GUY HE MET ONLINE.
I HAD BREAKFAST THEN CUDDLED ERIC WHO ASKED ME FOR IT THEN WE KISSED THEN I BLEW HIM CAUSE I ASKED HIM IF HE WAS CUT AND I WANTED TO CHECK AND THEN HE BLEW ME.
HE TOLD ME ABOUT A PARTY TONIGHT, I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD TAKE THE HINT AND COME. I HATE TO IMPOSE MYSELF PLUS I DON'T WANT TO SEEM NEEDY SINCE I DON'T REALLY GIVE A FUCK. HE'S BLACK AND INDIAN. I FIND HIM QUITE CUTE EVEN IF HE MADE FUN OF MY 40S JACKET. I WAS WEARING IT ON TOP OF NEON YELLOW SHORT DUNGAREES.
MY INTERACTION WITH ERIC, THE FLIRTING, THE JOKES, THE RAPIDITY OF THE EXCHANGE, REMINDED ME OF NABIL MINUS THE INEBRIETY. I'VE NEVER FELT SO CONFIDENT. STILL I PRETTY MUCH FELT INVISIBLE AT SCREAM BUT THAT'S JUST CAUSE I DON'T BELONG TO THE MAJOR BODYTYPE IN RAGE. I'VE DISCUSSED ETHNICITY VERSUS EXOTISM WITH NABIL AND ERIC. BOTH AREN'T ATTRACTED TO THEIR RACE. SINCE I DON'T SEE RACE LIKE KIM KARDASHIAN WEST, IT FELT STRANGE THAN BEING A WHITE GUY WITH A GINGER BEARD, PERFORMING MORE THAN ACTING STRAIGHT, WITH MY MIAMI CAP, I WAS SEEN AS THE EXOTIC ONE. THAT'S A FEELING I GET WHEN I GO TO BBB ON SUNDAYS WHERE BEING WHITE IS BELONGING TO THE MINORITY. I'D QUITE ENJOY EXPLORING THAT ON A COUNTRY LEVEL.
I'M SUPPOSED TO STAY IN PARIS TILL THURSDAY, THERE'S THIS TECHNO AFTER PARTY ON WEDNESDAY, BUT I'M ALREADY QUITE SATURATED WITH THE CITY, AND I'M SPENDING TOO MUCH.
7 PM. LUCAS IS ASLEEP. MAYBE IT'S TIME TO GO HOME. I FOUND WIFI AT BISTROT DU CENTRE AND I'M HAVING A PIÑA COLADA. NOW I HAVE A DILEMMA. NABIL CALLED, HE WANTS TO SEE ME. ERIC TEXTED HE'S AT WANDERLUST AND WANTS ME TO COME.

TUESDAY, the 13th of AUGUST 2013
ROSA BONHEUR'S WAITING LINE. A RANDO ASKED NABIL IF HE WERE MY BOYFRIEND. I SAID KINDA. OUR NIGHT WAS GREAT. WE BOTH KNEW PEOPLE THERE. WE TALKED TO SAM, A HOT GUY HE KNOWS FROM SPYCE, WHO IS SICILIAN ALGERIAN.. HE SAID I WAS A GREAT CATCH. HILARIOUS. I FELT PROUD TO BE WITH HIM. WE MADE OUT A LOT, DRANK SANGRIA AND CUDDLED. WE WERE BOTH AFRAID IT WOULDN'T BE AS GREAT AS THE FIRST TIME BUT IT WAS. I ALSO BUMPED INTO CRAZY CANADIAN MICHAEL AND GUILI. NABIL WAS WORRIED ABOUT A PRESENTATION HE HAD TO PREPARE FOR WORK. WE LEFT AT THE CLOSING HOUR AND OFF TO OUR PRETEND HOMES.
THEN I SAW HIM YESTERDAY. WE HAD LUNCH NEXT TO HIS WORKPLACE. LATER IN THE CITY WE HAD SOME KIND OF FIGHT. I WAS WEARING REALLY SHORT JEANS SHORTS AND HE TOOK IT AS AN OFFENCE. IT MADE HIM UNCOMFORTABLE. I UNDERTOOD BUT IT PISSED ME OFF. WE SAT DOWN IN A CAFE AND I GOT HEATED BY THE COCKTAIL AND THE CONVERSATION SO I DROPPED MY CIGARETTE IN LUCAS' DRINK WHO I FELT WAS SIDING AWAY. LUCAS LEFT AND WE FOUGHT A BIT MORE WITH NABIL. HE BASICALLY SAID HE WAS A DISCREET GUY AND WOULDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME IF I DIDN'T ADAPT TO HIS ATTITUDE. FIRST I THOUGHT ABOUT BREAKING UP AND JUST LEAVE HIM THERE BUT I DO LIKE HIM AND I DON'T CARE SO MUCH FOR SHORTS ANYWAY.
LAST NIGHT I WAS BORED AND WANTED TO GET BACK AT HIM SO I HAD BASEMENT SEX WITH A GUY I PICKED UP ONLINE. A FAT SLUT WEARING A G-STRING WHO MADE ME SMOKE HASH WHILE HE WAS SUCKING ME OFF. IT WAS THE BEST BLOWJOB I EVER GOT. I CONNED HIM INTO COMING BY SAYING I'D PAY FOR HIS TAXI BUT THEN I COULDN'T FIND MY WALLET AND TOLD HIM I'D SEE HIM TODAY AND PAY HIM DOUBLE.
I COULD SENSE THAT THE PALE SHROUD OF PROSTITUTION FANTASY WAS A PISS ACT. HE WOULD NOT HAVE MINDED SINCE HE WAS SO UGLY, A COLLECTIBLE FOR THE DARKER SHELVES AND WHAT I NEEDED. A REPULSE FUCK, A REVERSE REBOUND SHAG².. THERE'S NO WAY I'M GIVING HIM MONEY. I JUST BOUGHT SILVER SNEAKERS AND SOME ERIC COSTUMEFOR 300€.
YEAH DID I FUCK THAT BITCH AND HE LOVED IT. THE WHOLE THING WAS AMATEUR PORNISH, BAD LIGHTING, AND I WAS PLAYING STRAIGHT THE WHOLE TIME. I MADE UP THIS PERSONA OF A BICURIOUS GUY WHOSE PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND WAS NOT GIVING HIM ANY AND WAS SLEEPING UPSTAIRS. I'M NOT SURE HE BOUGHT IT BUT I LOWERED MY VOICE AND BEHAVED AND SPOKE LIKE MY STRAIGHT TWIN WOULD. IT GOT ME HARD ENOUGH.
PSEUDO FEAR OF GETTING CAUGHT, THE FACT THAT WE ACTUALLY JOKED WITH LUCAS ABOUT SETTING UP TOURNANTES IN THE BASEMENT.
THE GUY HIMSELF, ALEX, WAS QUASIMODISH. I KISSED HIM WHICH SURPRISED HIM QUITE A LOT AND DEPENDING ON THE ANGLE WHEN HE WAS SUCKING ME OFF, HE LOOKED LIKE MY DEAD BROTHER, OR AT LEAST LIKE I THOUGHT HE COULD HAVE LOOKED LIKE, AND WHEN HIS LIPS DISAPPEARED FOR A MINUTE, I THOUGHT HE WAS AN ALIEN. THE JOINT WAS QUITE STRONG ON MY EMPTY STOMACH. HIS ASS FELT AMAZING, REALLY HOT AND COMFORTABLE. HE TOOK POPPERS A COUPLE TIMES, OFFERED ME SOME BUT I DECLINED.

WEDNESDAY, the 14th of AUGUST 2013
ON A TRAIN NOW. I SAW NABIL AFTER WORK YESTERDAY. WE TOOK THE BUS TOGETHER. HE WENT TO HIS SISTER AND NEPHEW. I'M SUPPOSED TO SPEND THE NIGHT AT HIS TOMORROW BEFORE HE LEAVES FOR BARCELONA AND I FOR HOME. I'M GLAD.
I WENT TO MEET WITH BLOND JEREMY AT SAINT LAZARE TO CATCH A TRAIN TO HIS HOUSE. HE'S QUITE FUNNY AND AWKWARD IN A CUTE WAY. WE HAD SEX. HE SAID HE WAS A LOUSY FUCK. I DON'T BLAME HIM. HE IS. HE'S QUITE SEXY AND SENSUAL AND HE MADE ME HARD THE WHOLE TIME I WAS THERE BUT HE'S PROBABLY INSECURE SOMEHOW OR NOT COMFORTABLE IN HIS OWN SKIN WHICH MAKES HIM SEEM AWKWARD. HIS BROTHER WAS THERE TOO. A BIT YOUNGER, SHORTER AND BUFFER. WISH I FUCKED HIM TOO.
10.22 AM. I'M AT THE DOOR AND LUCAS' PHONE IS OFF. GOD THE k** SLEEPS TOO MUCH. I NEED TO TAKE A SHOWER AND CHANGE BEFORE RETURNING TO THE BOOKSHOP AND TO THE PIERCING SALON. GOT MY LOBE PIERCED.
I WENT TO LOFT INSTEAD, GOT TALKING WITH THE SALESMAN, ITALIAN, I'D SAY EARLY THIRTIES, HIS NAME IS MISHA. HE IS AN ACTOR AND A WRITER. MY CARD WOULDN'T PASS FOR THE STUFF I WANTED TO BUY SO I LEFT BUT THEN CAME BACK AND INVITED HIM FOR A DRINK AFTER WORK. HE THANKED ME FOR ASKING AND SAID YES. I'VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE. ASKING A MAN OUT. LUCAS WITNESSED FROM OUTSIDE.

THURSDAY, the 15th of AUGUST 2013
JO FUCKED THOMAS BEHIND MY BACK. I'M LIVID. HE IS SAYING IT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING. I'M DONE WITH THE TRIO THING AND THESE GUYS.
I HAD A GREAT TIME WITH MISHA LAST NIGHT. I ACTUALLY SPENT THE NIGHT. HE BOUGHT FIFTY EUROS WORTH OF WEED AFTER WE HAD A BEER. WE SMOKED UP HIS PLACE, WHICH IS AMAZING, HAD PIZZA HUT AND MADE OUT CRAZY. I'VE NEVER MOANED THIS MUCH. EVER. I'M GETTING TIRED OF DESCRIBING EVERY ENCOUNTER, ANALYZING EACH GUY'S BEHAVIOUR.
I WANT TO GO HOME. MY BRAIN HURTS.

MISHA IS A GREAT GUY, SOMEONE YOU CAN ACTUALLY HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH AND HE CALLS ME A HANDSOME MAN IN ITALIAN. HE'S MAINTAINED ON EIGHT REGULAR LOVERS FOR YEARS. HE'S BEEN LIVING HERE FOR THE SAME AMOUNT OF TIME. HE FOUND OUT YESTERDAY AFTERNOON THAT WE BOTH COLLABORATE TO THE SAME ONLINE PUBLICATION SO HE GOT TO READ SOME OF MY WORK AND GET SOME INTEL FROM PEOPLE WE BOTH KNOW. THAT'S USUALLY SOMETHING I'D DO. IT TOOK ME ABACK. HE'S QUITE CHARMING, I'D DARE TO SAY ADORABLE. HE TOLD ME HE HAD ISSUES WITH PHYSICAL CONTACT, EXPOSED ME HIS CONCEPTION OF LOVE AND SEX. I WANTED TO KISS HIM IN FRONT OF PIZZA HUT AFTER THE FIRST JOINT. HE'S QUITE INTERESTED IN PORN, AND HE HAS THIS FANTASY OF BEING A MADAM AND HAVING HIS OWN BROTHEL.
I WANT TO DANCE THE STRESS AWAY.
I'M FACED WITH ANOTHER DILEMMA. I COULD MEET MISHA AT THE SHOP AT 7 PM OR ACTUALLY GO TO NABIL'S FRIEND'S PLACE AND HANG OUT WITH THEM BEFORE SPENDING THE NIGHT WITH NABIL. GOD LIFE IS MEANINGLESS AND COCKS WON'T DO MUCH MANSPLAINING.

FRIDAY, the 16th of MARCH 2013
UNEXPECTED TURN OF EVENTS: NABIL BROKE UP.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THERE WAS TO BREAK UP IN THE FIRST PLACE BUT WHEN I WENT TO MEET HIM WITH HIS FRIENDS IN FUCKING SUBURBIA, HE WAS ALREADY drunk AND GOT EVEN drunkER DURING THE NIGHT. NOT SO DISCREET AFTER ALL. I THOUGHT ABOUT LEAVING, CALLED LUCAS AND TEXTED MISHA WHO WAS WITH A FRIEND, PROBABLY FUCKING RIGHT NOW. WE TOOK THE METRO TO THE CENTER CITY AND NABIL SAID LOADS OF THINGS, HE SAID THAT HE DIDN'T WANT TO GO HOME AND HAVE SEX JUST TO PRETEND THAT EVERYTHING WAS GOOD. HE'S BEEN HAVING DOUBTS FOR A COUPLE DAYS. I HAD NO IDEA.
LONG STORY SHORT, HE'S OUT PARTYING AND I'M IN LUCAS' HALLWAY, WAITING FOR THE GUY HE'S WITH TO BE DONE AND LEAVE. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I'M GOING HOME TOMORROW. I FEEL REALLY SAD. I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO SEE HIM TONIGHT BUT I FELT LIKE IT WOULD REVEAL WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT. I KNOW NOW. WHY HAVE I EVEN CONSIDERED HAVING A BOYFRIEND? HOW STUPID CAN ONE BE? AS IF WHAT HAPPENED WITH MICHAEL WASN'T ENOUGH TO COMFORT ME IN THE IDEA THAT IT'S NOT WHAT I WANT TO GO THROUGH. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THAT. I ALSO TOLD THOMAS I WAS THROUGH WITH HIM. SEX IS SO MEANINGLESS NOW. GOD I'M SO STUPID, WHY DO I KEEP FOOLING MYSELF? I DON'T NEED ANYONE.

DEAR DIARY,

TODAY IS MY LAST NIGHT IN PARIS FOR THE SUMMER...

NABIL HAS BEEN TEXTING AND VOICEMAILING. SORRY FOR HURTING ME AND WANTED TO TALK. I WON'T GIVE HIM THE SATISFACTION OF FEELING BETTER. HE WAS ONLY INTERESTED IN WHAT I THOUGHT OF HIM.
WHEN HE DUMPED ME ON THE TRAIN, HE ASKED ME IF I WAS ANGRY WITH HIM. I DON'T WANT TO PLAY HIS GAME ANYMORE.
I MET WITH MISHA WHO I HAD A PROPER TALK WITH. HE ASKED IF I WAS MAD, IF I HAD BEEN IN AND OUT OF THE LOONY BIN. HE HAD AN UNFORTUNATE ENCOUNTER WITH A GUY WHO WANTED OR TRIED, I CAN'T RECALL, TO KILL HIM.
I DIDN'T MOUTH A WORD OF THAT TIME WITH MICKAËL.
MY LAST TEXT WAS, I AGREE, QUITE ABRUPT. IT READ: FAREWELL THEN.
NOW I'M MEANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT OVER. HE'S OFF WORK IN AN HOUR. I'M SITTING IN A PARK IN MY UNDERWEAR, THE FANCY NY D****RY CLOTHES AND KILLER SILVER SNEAKERS I BOUGHT AND MY MIAMI CAP. LUCAS IS OFF TO HIS SUGAR DADDY. TOMORROW I WILL BE HOME. SAFE AND SOUND, FAR FROM THE HUSTLE AND BUSTLE, FAR FROM THE MEN AND RID OF THE TRIOS. THESE ARE THE LAST TWO WEEKS OF SUMMER. I CAN'T REALLY KEEP DOING WHAT I'M DOING WITHOUT GAINING ANYTHING FROM IT OR IT WON'T STOP.

SATURDAY, the 17th of AUGUST 2013
I'M AT MISHA'S. I SPENT THE NIGHT. IT WAS PERFECT. WE TOOK THE BUS HOME SINCE I WAS CARRYING MY HEAVY SUITCASE AND A BACKPACK.
WE SHARED A JOINT THEN WENT TO THE SUPERMARKET SO WE COULD MAKE PASTA FOR DINNER. WE DINED AND WINED THEN HAD SOME HOMELESS BEER.
HE MAKES ME FEEL SO GOOD ABOUT MYSELF. HIS TOUCH ELECTRIFIES ME. WE WENT TO BED AND MADE OUT. I DON'T REMEMBER FALLING ASLEEP.
HE TOLD ME HE TOOK MY PICTURE. I KNEW HE WOULD HAVE. WE TOOK SOME MORE LAST NIGHT. I HAD HEELS ON AND A CALVIN KLEIN JOCKSTRAP.
I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER WORN A JOCKSTRAP BEFORE. I GAVE HIM MY SILLY UNDERWEAR AND THAT WAS IT. AN UPGRADE IN THE GAY VIDEOGAME, SEXY LINGERIE.
HIS FRIEND RACHELE MAY TAKE PICTURES OF ME. WE SHOULD WRITE TOGETHER, TAKE ON A RESIDENCY AND WRITE AND FUCK ALTOGETHER.
I WAS MEANT TO LEAVE THIS MORNING BUT THE THOUGHT OF LEAVING HIM CRUSHED ME. I GOT EMOTIONAL AND HUGGED HIM. HE WAS UPSET AND CONFUSED. HE SHED SOME TEARS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN. HE REMINDS ME OF MICKAËL FROM A CERTAIN ANGLE, ESPECIALLY WHEN HE TOOK HIS SHOWER WHILE TALKING TO ME LAST NIGHT. THIS LEVEL OF INTIMACY IS INTENSE. I WISH I COULD NEVER LEAVE, OR THAT I COULD COME BACK TO PARIS.
WE HAD A BEER BEFORE GOING HOME AND HE ASKED ME IF I WOULD ACCEPT EXCLUSIVITY IF WE WERE TO DATE. HE SAID HE WOULD TEAR AWAY HIS WEB OF LOVERS FOR ME.
I DON'T WANT TO FANTASIZE BUT I DO FEEL SAFE IN HIS ARMS. WE MADE EACH OTHER COME THIS MORNING. I CAN'T TELL IF HE'S A TOP OR NOT. HE SURE HAS A THING FOR ASS. I'M SITTING IN A LEATHER ARMCHAIR, I'M WEARING HIS SWEATER AND I'M FEELING LIKE CARRIE FUCKING BRADSHAW. I COULDN'T HELP BUT WONDER ABOUT HIS FLABBY BUTTCHEEKS.
WHEN HE ACCEPTED ME STAYING TODAY AND FOR THE NIGHT, HE SAID THAT THE PAIN WAS JUST BEING POSTPONED TO THE DAY AFTER. IT TOUCHED ME THAT HE WAS MOVED TO TEARS. THIS COULD LEAD SOMEWHERE. THE FACT THAT WE MET IN REAL LIFE IN REAL LIFE CIRCUMSTANCES IS A PRETTY GOOD START AND WHEN WE KISS, I COULD EASILY FORGET MY NAME.
11.21 AM. I TOLD HIM I WOULD SPEND THE DAY READING AND WRITING AND HE ASKED TO READ MY WORK. HE FINISHES WORK AT 7 PM AND HE WORKS TOMORROW. MONDAY IS HIS DAY OFF. I WISH I'D STAY TILL THEN.

THURSDAY 29 AUGUST 2013
00.58 AM. I'M AT MISHA'S. WE'VE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER FOR LESS THAN TWO WEEKS. WE'RE BOYFRIENDS. I NEVER LEFT HIS PLACE. A FEW DAYS AFTERWARDS, I HAD MY OWN KEY. NOW HE WANTS TO SELL THE APARTMENT TO BUY A BARGE FOR US TO LIVE ON, WHICH HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY RETIREMENT PLAN PRE MARS.
I TOOK SOME TIME OFF TO PROCESS WHAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING RECENTLY. HE'S MET MY CLOSEST FRIENDS, I MET RACHELE WHO IS ACTUALLY CATSITTING ON A BARGE FOR THE SUMMER.
I UNPACKED ALMOST ALL THE CONTENT OF MY SUITCASE, WASHED MY CLOTHES, PUT THE FEW BOOKS I HAD ON HIS SHELVES AND I WEAR HIS CLOTHES ALL THE TIME. HE MADE ME TRY ON A DOLCE & GABBANA SUIT TONIGHT CAUSE WE'RE GOING TO HIS SISTER'S WEDDING IN ITALY NEXT WEEK. THIS IS HAPPENING, I'M CROSSING COUNTRIES. HE'S LEAVING TOMORROW NIGHT FOR VINCENZA, HIS HOMETOWN, AND I'M JOINING HIM FOR THE BIG DAY.
I'M STAYING AT HIS PLACE IN THE MEANTIME TILL I GET MY MONEY FROM THE EMPLOYMENT OFFICE THEN I'LL GO BACK HOME FOR A FEW DAYS IN ORDER TO CATCH UP WITH MY FAMILY, TELL MY MOM ABOUT WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON AND TAKE A FEW THINGS WITH ME.
I'M GETTING USED TO THE IDEA THAT THIS IS NOT A DREAM. HE GAVE ME AROUND 120€ SINCE I WAS BROKE BUT I MANAGED IT VERY POORLY. NOW WE'RE BROKE BUT WE'LL STOCK UP THE FRIDGE TOMORROW WITH A CHECK THAT'LL BOUNCE BACK.
NOW I'M BACK TO THE CITY WITH NO RENT TO PAY FOR NOW AND A BOYFRIEND. CHOICES.
WE'VE BEEN SMOKING WEED PRETTY MUCH EVERY NIGHT (AND DAY FOR ME) BUT IT RAN OUT YESTERDAY. WE'VE BEEN HAVING ALL SORTS OF PASTA AND RISOTTO FOR DINNER WITH BEER AND CIGARETTES OR CIGARILLOES FOR HIM.
WE'VE BONDED FROM THE START. NOW WE HAVE THIS SORT OF COMPLICITY COUPLES HAVE. WHEN WE'RE WITH GUESTS, LUCAS HAS BEEN OVER THREE TIMES ALREADY, I JUST NEED TO LOOK AT HIM AND HE MAKES FUNNY OR FLIRTY FACES AND MAKES ME LAUGH. WE LAUGH A LOT TOGETHER, WE'VE PLAYED CARD GAMES, TEACHING NEW ONES TO ONE ANOTHER. THERE'S NO TV, JUST THE RADIO AND CDs OF CLASSICAL OR ITALIAN MUSIC. MY MAC HASN'T BEEN FIXED YET SO I CAN'T WATCH ANYTHING OR LISTEN TO ANY MUSIC. I'VE REARRANGED THE WHOLE PLACE AND HE LIKED IT. IT FEELS LIKE HOME ALREADY.
WE DON'T FIGHT. HE GOT TO WITNESS SOME OF MY c***dISH BEHAVIORS, TWICE I'VE PUT BACK FOOD HE DIDN'T WANT TO BUY BUT WOULD HAVE, COCONUT WATER AND BEN & JERRY'S, AND I GOT TO SEE HIM TALK TO ME A BIT DRY SOMETIMES. WE BOTH ADMITTED TO ONE ANOTHER THAT WE WERE LOOKING FOR ANYTHING BAD IN EACH OTHER CAUSE WE'RE AFRAID THAT THIS WAS THE REAL THING. WE'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT GETTING MARRIED.
FIRST AS A WAY TO PISS HIS SISTER OFF BY GETTING MARRIED BEFORE HER BUT THEN IT GOT MORE SERIOUS AND WE'RE CONSIDERING DOING IT NEXT MONTH. I DON'T KNOW IF HE IS THE ONE. I DO KNOW THAT I LIKE HIM A LOT.
HE SUFFERS FROM SCIATICA IN HIS LEG AND SOMETIMES IT'S QUITE HARD FOR HIM TO WALK PROPERLY SO HE JUST SWEARS IN ITALIAN AND ROLLS HIS EYES LIKE A DIVA. HE'S QUITE DRAMATIC SOMETIMES. HE WANTS TO GO BACK TO ACTING SO HE QUIT HIS JOB AT LOFT AND TODAY IS HIS LAST DAY.
WE'RE BOTH GOING TO BE UNEMPLOYED NEXT MONTH. I'M NOT AFRAID. MONEY WON'T BE THAT MUCH OF A PROBLEM WITHOUT ANY RENT TO PAY.
I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT WE ALWAYS ADRESS EACH OTHER FORMALLY, WITH VOUS INSTEAD OF TU. THIS SPOKEN DISTANCE ALLOWS HIM INTIMACY BUT HE SPEAKS TO ME NORMALLY IN ITALIAN EVEN IF I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. HE WANTS ME TO LEARN.
I'VE BEEN PLAYING HOUSE FOR A FORTNIGHT, CLEANING DISHES AND TAKING CARE OF THE WASHING UP AND PUTTING OUR CLOTHES TO DRY. WE ALTERNATE COOKING DINNER. THIS IS SOMETHING I WOULD HAVE NEVER EXPECTED TO BE DOING. LIVING WITH MY BOYFRIEND. ESPECIALLY UNDER SUCH EXTREME CIRCUMSTANCES. I FEEL HAPPY AND I'M STARTING TO LET MY GUARD DOWN.
WE'VE HAD BAREBACK SEX THREE TIMES AND I'VE BEEN TOPPING FOR NOW. SEX ITSELF WAS GOOD, NOTHING EXTRAORDINARY. WE'RE STILL LEARNING A LOT ABOUT EACH OTHER EVERY DAY. I TRY NOT TO OVERTHINK ABOUT HOW FAST IT'S HAPPENING CAUSE I DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT WHAT'S APPROPRIATE TO BE HONEST. I FEEL IT'S ENTIRELY UP TO ME TO FUCK IT UP.