Texas Gal
by C. Sprite
copyright 1999
Prologue
This is the story about a young boy who is forcibly introduced to cross-
dressing and feminization, by his sisters, and their friends. It is involved,
and detailed, as are our lives. If you are looking for a short, quick story, this
isn't it.
Chapter One A New Beginning
"All right.., can I have your attention please, folks!" Mr. Robison shouted
at the crowd assembled in the church parking lot. "Everybody who is going
on the bus should board now. We will be leaving in a few minutes."
People began to walk towards the door of the enormous, silver, couch-liner.
At least it was enormous to me. At ten years of age (soon to be eleven), just
four feet, eight inches tall, and about seventy-three pounds, my perspective
of the world was a whole lot different than that of an adult. Feeling like the
stranger that I was to all these people, and totally uncomfortable in this
situation, I stayed on the periphery of the crowd as the bus slowly filled. It
had been chartered to take my cub scout pack and their family members to a
"western" theme park in upstate New York, from my home town in New
Jersey. I had only been a member of the scouts for less than one week, and I
did not really know any of the other scouts since none of them attended my
school or lived in my neighborhood. Nor did I know any of the family
members that were with them. My own family, like others who had decided
to go at the last minute, were driving there in our car. I had begged my
father to let me go in the family station wagon with him, my mother, and my
three older sisters but he refused. He said that, by going on the bus I would
be spending more time with my fellow scouts, and thus would more quickly
establish friendships among them. I had only been to one "den" meeting
with my "pack" and had not made any friends yet.
As I climbed up the steps to the bus I felt incredibly lonely, even though I
was surrounded by dozens of people. I walked down the aisle looking for a
seat with one of my fellow cub scouts. I was hoping that I could find
someone sitting alone whose name I remembered. The seat backs were very
high and I could not see who were in the seats until I got right next to them. I
quickly learned that all my fellow scouts had already paired up and I did not
find a vacant seat until I got to the rear of the bus. In the next to last row,
both seats were vacant on the right side of the bus; so I stepped sideways
into the area in front of the seats and sat down on the green, vinyl-covered
seat next to the window. Across the aisle was a young girl, that I would
estimate at about age five, and a woman who I figured must be her
grandmother or great-grandmother. The girl was in the window seat and was
playing with a doll while the old woman had her eyes closed as if she was
asleep. I could not see forward because of the seat heights so I stared out of
the window. I should have been excited about the prospect of going to see
the "Cowboys and Indians" at the "Dodge City" theme park, on this beautiful
spring day in 1966, but I only felt miserable and dejected.
The driver of the bus started the engine and closed the door. I heard a loud
"whoosh" as the air brakes were released, and then the bus lurched as it
began to move. For the next three hours I would be trapped in this
behemoth. As the bus pulled out of the parking lot I could see the cars
moving to follow us. I longed to be in my family's car where I knew that my
sisters were talking and joking around. I sat back in the seat as the bus
swayed and bucked while the driver wove his way through the traffic on our
way to the highway, and I thought about the events that had led up to my
being here today.
I had never had any desire to join the cub scouts. My Father had
"volunteered" me. Just eight days ago, on a mid-April Saturday morning, the
three goddesses of fate had conspired to send my life along a new tangent,
but not one that I would have chosen had I been given the choice.
On that Saturday, Father had already left for work when I awoke. As a self-
employed contractor, he always worked at least six days a week, and
frequently seven. He built quality, single family homes at reasonable prices
so he never lacked for customers. His business had been steadily growing
and he poured back as much of the profits into the company as he could, in
order to procure land and equipment to continue the business's expansion. I
often heard him telling Mother how well things were going. She would
comment that we could use a little more money in the house-hold budget and
he would say that that will come soon enough. He wanted to stick with their
plan for scrimping along now so that life would be good later. They always
ended their financial discussions by reminding each other that they had four
kids to put through college. We owned our own home, an older wood frame
house on the edge of the city, although we kids would have loved to live in
one of the new houses that Father was building for other people's families.
There was never any question of our parent's love for us, although we were
frequently disappointed when our friend's families got new cars and home
items such as stereos and televisions, while we always had to do with the old
things as long as they were serviceable.
After preparing breakfast for her brood, Mother had gone grocery shopping
with one of her friends. That usually meant an extended absence since they
would invariably stop somewhere for lunch, and then coffee at her friends
home when she drove her there and they carried in the packages. We kids
never enjoyed the grocery trip and were relieved of having to go now that we
were older; or at least now that my oldest sister was fourteen and could act as
sitter for the rest of us.
Judy, as the oldest, got the job of watching over us when required.
Whenever we disagreed with her protectiveness, and control over our lives,
we called her "Miss Bossy" but her decisions were never arbitrary or
vindictive and she always tried to explain why she had told us to do
something, or not allowed us to do something. We usually followed her
orders without question since Mother had told us that she was "in charge"
during Mom's absence. As "second mother", Judy was always the most
serious of my sisters with her intensity increasing as the situation warranted.
Mary was thirteen. I had always thought that all my sisters were beautiful,
but secretly I felt that Mary was the prettiest. She shared the same light
auburn hair color and brown eyes of the others but there was something
about the way that her face lit up when she was happy that made you feel
happy too. She smiled a lot more than Judy, probably due in part to her
lesser responsibility in having to govern younger children. She could be
more of a child herself.
Susan was twelve. She, of course, was the baby of the family until I came
along but I don't think that losing that position ever bothered her. Probably
because of our closeness in age, Susan and I usually played together, while
Judy and Mary shared other activities more in line with kids of their age.
Susan was the prankster of our family. Her mischievous nature caused a
seemingly never-ending chain of impossible situations in my life. All too
often I was blamed for things that happened to me, while the architect of the
event put on her most angelic face and escaped blameless.
Aside from gender, my own appearance is not really so different from that of
my sisters, with a few notable exceptions. There is little doubt that we are
closely related, but while they share Father's hair and eye color, I got
Mother's. My hair is golden blond and I have medium-blue eyes. In some
black & white pictures taken when I was very young, it looks as if I was
bald because of my very light hair color and because it was so very short at
that time. Since then Mother had allowed it to grow out. With the advances
in color photography and my longer hair, I now appear like a normal kid in
our family pictures. Since the Beatles have changed everyone's perception of
acceptable hair styles, my shoulder length hair now gets very little kidding
from my friends at school. In fact, they tell me that they are trying to get their
parents to let them grow theirs longer. I am quite thin for a boy my age, and
Mother tells me that with my fine bone structure and straight hair, that I
definitely take after her side of the family. At the parochial school, that I and
my sisters attend, my slight frame and limited athletic ability means that
when sides are being chosen for games, I am always one of the last to be
selected, if I am selected at all. On those all too frequent occasions when I
am the "odd man out", I usually just sit down and watch my classmates
having fun. I have tried to infiltrate the activities of the girls a couple of times
when they engage in things that I do with my sisters at home such as
"jumping rope". But if the nuns see me with the girls, they immediately send
me back over to the "boys" side of the school yard. Since the girls all wear
knee length, dark blue jumpers over their white blouses, with a funny
looking dark blue bow-tie that resembles a large ribbon, I stand out quite
dramatically in my dark blue trousers, starched white cotton shirt, and dark
blue school tie. Unless the "school yard warden" is involved with something
or someone out of the line-of-sight of the activity I want to join, then I don't
even try. But when I do try, I am usually welcomed by the girls, one or
more of which might be one of my sisters.
With Mother having left to do her shopping, my sisters began cleaning the
kitchen and breakfast dishes and cooking utensils. As always they shooed
me out of the kitchen while they did the "women's" work, but not before
handing me a bag of trash to take outside to the garbage pails. After
depositing the trash in an empty container and putting the lid back on to keep
out the neighborhood dogs and cats, I re-entered the house and went upstairs
to my bedroom, to read. I have a rather extensive library for a ten year old,
and I use the books and novels them to escape the boredom of my normal
existence, whenever I can. Because I spend all my spare time reading, my
reading skills, and vocabulary, are well beyond what most kids my age have
attained. As I re- read a novel that I had received for Christmas, I heard some
commotion downstairs and went to investigate.
Gina and Maria Marcoti, our neighbors, schoolmates, and my sisters best
friends, had come over to visit and they were all about to start a game of
Monopoly in the living room. The board was setup on the coffee table in the
middle of the room and the girls were seated on the floor all around it. I
asked if I could join and was invited to sit down between my sister Mary,
and Gina Marcoti. Gina was the older of the two neighbor girls, being
fourteen like Judy, while Maria was my sister Susan's age of eleven.
My strategy in Monopoly was to buy everything that I landed on while my
sisters tried to buy certain sets of properties in order to put up houses and
hotels. After a number of go- arounds on the board, I had managed to collect
enough property to be a spoiler for anybody trying to put together a set.
Additionally, I had managed to purchase both Boardwalk and Park Place, a
feat I only rarely was able to do. With the money that I collected in rents and
by mortgaging most of my property, I was able to put hotels on Boardwalk
and Park place. My sister Mary criticized my actions saying that now I
would not be able to collect rents on most of my property and since I had
very cash left I would be unable to pay when I landed on someone else's
property and would be bankrupted out of the game. I told her that she should
watch her own position because she didn't have much cash either. On her
next move she landed on one of the squares that required her to take a card
and do whatever it said. When she picked it up and read it she just out a
small groan. She dropped the card on the board so that we could all read it. It
told her to go to Boardwalk and pay any rents due the owner. This, of
course, bankrupted her. As a ten year boy is prone to do when winning out
over a older sibling I gloated a little bit and said, "HA!"
At this point she said, "Ha, is it. I'll give you a ha." She grabbed me and
started tickling me on my stomach and sides. As I am very ticklish, I started
to thrash around. Gina had to grab my legs as a means of self-protection or I
could have kicked her accidentally. With Mary holding and tickling me
while she laughed, and Gina holding my legs and laughing, I guess that the
other girls felt left out. But not for long. Before I knew what was happening,
all five girls were working on me. Someone pulled off my sneakers and
socks and I felt fingers ticking the soles of my feet, and since this is the
most ticklish part of my anatomy, it sent me into a new frenzy of squirming
and laughing. I guess that Mary decided that she wasn't getting as much of a
reaction from her tickling as the girls at my feet so she grabbed my tee shirt
and pulled it over my head and off of my arms and then with renewed vigor
attacked my sides with her soft fingers. So there I was, thrashing and
laughing as five girls tried to outdo each other in tickling my half naked
body. Suddenly somebody grabbed the cuffs of my pants and pulled my
jeans down and off of my legs. All at once everybody stopped tickling me. I
stopped thrashing around and tried to get air back into my lungs. I suddenly
realized why they had stopped tickling me when I heard Judy say, "Well, it
looks like somebody forgot to put their shorts on this morning. Susan, run
upstairs and get David some underwear, please." Susan jumped up and ran
up the stairs. As I got my wind back, I felt myself beginning to turn
crimson, Judy said, "Oh David, don't be embarrassed. Everybody here has
seen you naked when you were a baby. Some of us even helped to change
your poopy diapers. You don't have anything now, that we haven't seen
before."
Just then Susan returned and handed Judy what she had retrieved. Judy
said, "Susan, I meant for you to get a pair of David's underwear, not a pair
of my panties." Susan, always the prankster, replied that she hadn't
specified whose underwear to get so she grabbed a pair from the first bureau
that she got to. Judy said, "Well, since they're here we may as well use
them. Here David, this will restore your modesty" and she slide them up my
legs. Gina was still laying across my torso where she had been almost since
the tickling had started and I was still physically spent. Mary was sitting on
the floor near my head while Judy and Maria were sitting near my feet.
Susan was standing a couple of feet away, where she had been since she
returned from the bedroom that she shared with Judy and Mary. I asked if
someone would please hand me my jeans.
Susan said, "It seems like such a shame to cover up such pretty panties with
those yucky jeans." Four female heads turned to look at her and then they
started to giggle.
Mary jumped up and said, "Come on Susan, let's see what we can find." I
didn't understand what they were talking about so I ignored them and asked
Gina to please get up off of me. She said, "Not just yet. I'm comfortable and
I still have some tickling to do", at which point she, Judy and Maria started
in on me again.
They stopped tickling me when Mary and Susan returned carrying a bunch
of clothes in their arms. I felt somebody putting socks on my feet and then
shoes but I was still trying to get my wind back from the latest round of
tickling and did not have the strength to try to see who was dressing me.
Judy walked over by my head and said, "OK David, sit up." Gina moved off
of my stomach and onto my legs so I could sit. When I managed to sit up,
Judy said, "Put your arms out." I raised my arms over my head expecting
her to put my tee shirt on over my arms and head but instead she said, "No
David, I said put your arms out. Like, in front of you." Confused, I lowered
my arms so that they were in front of me. Mary immediately pulled a padded
training bra over my arms and clipped it in the back. It took me a second to
realize what it was and that they were dressing me in girl's clothing. I looked
around for the clothes that I had been wearing when I first came downstairs
but they were nowhere in sight.
Mary said, "Raise your arms up over your head, sweetheart." I refused and
said that I wasn't going to put on any more girl's clothes.
Gina giggled and said, "That all the excuse I need", and started tickling me
again until I hollered, "OK. You win. Please just stop tickling me."
Mary told me to raise my arms and I did so as soon as I could manage to sit
up. She slid a full slip down over my arms. I was amazed at how soft and
cool that it felt. Gina got off of my legs and I got my first look at the white
satin panties that had been put on me. I also saw the white socks and black
school shoes that had been put on my feet.
Mary and Gina lifted me to my feet and the slip fell the rest of the way down,
almost to my knees. Mary said, "Put your arms out in front of you again."
When I did so she started to pull a blouse onto them. I pulled my arms back,
but saw Gina start to come towards me, and quickly extended them again.
Mary pulled the blouse on over my arms and buttoned it up my back. I knew
that I could not stop them from doing whatever they wanted to so I gave no
further resistance. Besides, I kind of liked the way that the panties and slip
felt against my young hairless body. Next they told me to raise my arms over
my head. When I did, they slid a school jumper over my head and after
letting it fall into position, closed the full length back zipper. It seemed a
little snug and then I realized that it must be one that Susan had outgrown.
They then tied one of the silly bow- ties, that they had to wear every school
day, around my neck. "There David." , Mary said, "Now you can join us in
the school yard and Sister Mary Frances will never know that you are there."
At this point all five girls started laughing and giggling. I smiled weakly and
said, "OK. If you're done, can I get dressed now."
Susan said, "But Davie, you are already dressed. And who said that we're
done." Gina whispered something to Susan who immediately turned and ran
upstairs. Gina then took my hand and led me to the kitchen. She had me sit
at the table. Susan came back down and handed Gina a brush and a comb.
Maria brought over a cup of water and over the next ten minutes Gina
proceeded to style my hair with the aforementioned items plus a small supply
of bobby pins. While this was going on, Susan was filing and shaping my
pitiful finger nails on my right hand while Mary did the left. When they were
satisfied that they had done the best that was possible, they applied a coat of
polish. As they waited for it to dry they decided to do my feet as well. So it
was that I received my first manicure and pedicure. They used the same
polish on my feet as my hands. After a half- hour, they announced that they
were done. Gina came back over and worked on my face for about five
minutes. She smeared something all over my face and then powdered it. She
told me to close my eyes and I could feel her doing something to my eyelids
and the area below my eyebrows. She put something called mascara on my
eyelashes, and finished up by telling me to pucker my lips. She then applied
a coating of light red lip stick and said, "Voila."
Judy brought over a hand mirror and handed it to me. I looked at myself but
I no longer looked like me. Instead I saw a young girl staring back at me.
Susan said, "She's so pretty that we can't keep calling her David. We need a
new name for our youngest sister. Anybody got any suggestions?" The
other girls all started suggesting names.
Judy spoke up saying, "Since David's initials were "D.A." for David
Alexander, we have to come up names that will not change her monogram."
I had learned to keep my mouth shut and not resist after the last tickling
episode but I was getting increasingly worried over their constant use of
"her" when referring to me.
Gina said, "How about Darla... Darla. Arlene?"
Mary said, "No, it just doesn't sound right. How about Darla Anne?"
Judy said, "I think that it's perfect. All in favor, say aye." Everyone, except
me, said "yea". Judy said, "Motion carries by a vote of five to one."
Walking over to me, she put her hand on my head and said, "I christen you
Darla Anne Drake. That will be your name from now on whenever this
group assembles."
Gina said, "What shall we do now with our new girlfriend?"
Maria said, "Why don't we hold a dance." Mary ran into the living room to
put some 45's on the record player. Maria took me by the hand and led me
into the living-room and said, "Miss, may I have the pleasure of this dance."
I responded that I didn't know how to dance but she took my hand and
pulled me towards an open area saying, "That's OK, I'll show you." Over
the next two hours, one of the girls was my constant partner showing me
how to do the latest dances. They worked in relays and in between working
with me would dance with each other. Then Gina decided to show me how
to slow dance. She was at least half a foot taller than I was and since she
would be leading, she took the male dancing position and had me take the
woman's dancing position, although I didn't even realize that there was a
difference at the time. I was so intent on following her lead without stepping
on her toes that I never gave it a second thought when she told me hold up
my right arm and put my left hand on her shoulder while she put her right
hand on my waist. As I started to get better with following her, she told me
that when you found that special someone, the way that you hold your
partner changes. She had me put both of my arms around her neck, and she
put hers around my waist and pulled me in tight. She put her head down
along side mine and pressed my head to her shoulder and we danced like
that for several songs. I found it much easier to follow her lead when we
danced like this. My sisters and Maria were giggling almost the entire time
that Gina was slow dancing with me but I thought that they were laughing at
my clumsiness and it didn't bother me. I was having such a wonderful time
with all the attention that I was getting that I had even forgotten that I was
wearing a dress. Elvis Presley's "Love Me Tender" song ended, and Gina
and I separated. I thanked her for the dance, as all of my partners has
instructed me to do, when I suddenly realized that everyone was staring
behind me towards the kitchen doorway. There, in the doorway, stood
Mother with her arms full of groceries.
"Davie, it that you? What are you doing wearing your sister's dress?" All I
could say was, "H..Hi Mommy." She walked over to the kitchen table and
put the grocery bags down, then returned to the living-room. She came over
to me and bent down putting one hand on my back and one on my chest.
The padded bra that the girls had put on me must have been visually obvious
but I guess that she wanted to confirm it., "Honey, what's going on?", she
asked.
Tears started to well up in my eyes. I figured that I was really in trouble
now. I stammered, "The.. they dressed me up like this. I didn't want to but
they tickled me and tickled me until I let them do it." Mother looked at my
sisters and the Marcoti sisters and after a minute of thought said, "Girls, I'm
ashamed of you. You should know better than to do this to your little sister.
She's much too young to be wearing eye makeup." I couldn't believe my
ears and Mother even had a little smirk on her face. She lifted the front of
my dress and said, "My, what pretty panties you have on dear. I'll bet that
they are really soft and comfy." I didn't know what to say so I just nodded.
She smiled and said, "I thought so." By this time the tension in the room
had dissipated as it had become obvious that she was not really angry. She
said, "Gina, Maria, it's time for you to go home now. We have to start
getting dinner prepared. Please don't mention today's events to anybody else
since they could prove embarrassing." Both girls promised that they would
keep it to themselves and after saying their good-byes, left for their home, a
block away.
Mom said, "Judy, Mary, Susan, pick up your records, put the Monopoly
game away and straighten up this room. Davie, come into the kitchen with
me."
Judy said, "Darla, Mom." Mother turned back to her and said, "What did
you say dear?" "I said Darla. That's what we named her. Darla Anne
Drake."
Mom scrutinized me again and after a few seconds said, with a mischievous
smile, "Why that is a perfectly lovely name. I like it. OK Darla, come into
the kitchen with me." I groaned. Now mom was calling me by a girls name.
After we got into the kitchen I said, " Mom, can I go change now." She
looked at me and said, "Oh honey, you look just fine. I'm not angry at you
for having eye makeup on but I think that you should wait until you're older
before wearing it out in public. Nice girls don't wear any until they are at
least teenagers. No gentleman wants to marry a girl who has a reputation as a
tramp, and I don't want any daughter of mine to ever get such a reputation.
So no more eye makeup for at least two years, young lady. You'll thank me
for being strict when you find the man of your dreams and he proposes.
Now come over here so I can put this apron on you, I don't want you to soil
your dress while you're doing your kitchen chores." I was dumbfounded.
Here was my mother talking as if I was a girl. She must have read the look
on my face because she came over to me, bent over, and said, "I always
wanted to have another daughter and I love you for letting me have one for
the rest of the day." Then she kissed me and hugged me and led me over to
the panty where the aprons were. After putting the apron over my neck so
that it hung in front of my dress, she tied the apron strings behind my back
in a big bow.
She gave me potato peeler and sat me down with a paper bag in front of me
and showed me how to peel the potatoes. By the time that I had finished the
pile that she had given me, I was getting pretty good at it. I had often
watched Mother cook our meals but she had never involved me in the
preparation before. She complimented my progress and gave me pile of
carrots to peel. Showing off my newly learned skill I cleaned the carrots in
short order. Then she gave me a stalk of celery that she had washed and a
paring knife. She showed me how to slice up the celery and told me to go
very slow and be very careful lest I cut myself on the sharp knife. When I
was done she took the celery pieces and added them to the stew that she was
preparing. She had cut up the potatoes that I had cleaned and she had diced
an onion. While I was cutting the celery, she had browned the meat and the
onion. She took me over to the stove and had me watch as she added all of
the ingredients together, added the spices, and put the top on the pressure
cooker. She explained how the pressure cooker worked and what
temperature was best to use. She said that my sisters already knew all this
and she was glad to be able to show me since we could never know when it
might come in handy. Then she got that mischievous smirk on her face again
and said, "Someday you'll find the right man and when he makes you his
wife you'll want to be able to cook and care for him and your children.
There's more to being a woman than just wearing soft and pretty clothes."
By now I was getting used to these remarks and did not get upset. "OK,
young lady, time to set the table while the stew is cooking."
We got a tablecloth out of the pantry and spread it out on the table. She
handed me dishes from the cupboard and I arranged them on the table. Then
she gave me a silverware tray and I arranged the place-settings as I had
always found them when I came to supper. I folded paper napkins and
placed one next to each plate under the fork. She took glasses out of the
cupboard and put them on the counter. I carried them to the table and put one
in back of each plate. Then I got the butter dish from the refrigerator and put
it on the table. I took a loaf of bread from the bread drawer and I placed it
and the salt and pepper shakers on the table and then got the ketchup from
the fridge and put that on the table as well. I started to take the milk out of the
refrigerator but Mom stopped me, telling me that we wanted it to stay cold
until mealtime. By this time the pressure cooker had been shaking it's
pressure release cone for the correct amount of time, and Mom announced
that the stew was almost cooked. She turned off the stove and said that we
would wait until the cone stopped shaking so that the pressure reduced
enough to get the top off. She told me to follow her upstairs. I was happy
that I would finally be able to put on my own clothes.
She led me into the bathroom, turned me around and unzipped the jumper. I
raised my arms and she lifted it off. Then she unbuttoned the blouse and
removed it when I held my arms out in front of me. I raised my arms for her
to remove the slip but instead she draped a towel around my neck and
shoulders and told me to bend over the sink. She removed all the bobby
pins from my hair and turned on the water. After getting the temperature
right, she wet down my entire head and then poured some sweet smelling
shampoo onto it and worked it up into a lather and rinsed it off. She repeated
the process and then announced that we were done. I straightened up and
she patted my hair dry with the towel that had been around my neck. She
went into my sisters bedroom and returned with a pink dress that I knew that
Susan had outgrown because she didn't wear it anymore. She said, "Raise
your arms dear."
I whined, "Mommy, I don't want to wear a dress."
She said, "Don't be silly dear, you can't eat dinner in your slip. Now raise
your arms up, Darla Anne." I groaned, put my arms up, and she slid the
dress down over my head and when it was in place, she zipped it up to my
neck and fastened some kind of extra closure. She took each of my arms and
buttoned the sleeves. I hadn't ever noticed before, when my sister had worn
this dress, that each sleeve had five buttons at the wrist. No wonder it
always took girls so long to get dressed. I looked down at the dress and
noticed the details in the fabric. There were little flowers embroidered all
over the skirt. Funny that I had never noticed that before even though I had
seen my sister wear this dress dozens of times. Mother put a white belt
around my waist and fastened it. She said, "It's lucky that you are almost the
same size as your sister Susan. You will be able to use the dresses that she
has just outgrown but that we haven't given away yet. " She went into her
bedroom and returned with a brush, comb, scissors and some other things in
a small basket. We went back downstairs and she told be to sit at the kitchen
table. She again placed a towel around my neck and shoulders. She combed
my long blond hair and then took the scissors and trimmed it in several
places. She opened up the basket that she had brought down with her and
began taking rollers out and rolling them into my hair. When it felt like there
was no hair left on my head that wasn't being pulled out by the roots, she
closed the basket and took a scarf out of her pocket and tied it over my head
and under my chin. Then she carried her things back upstairs and came back
down. She bent over me and put a very fine gold chain, with a gold cross,
around my neck and closed the clasp. She pinned a gold brooch on my dress
and took my right arm and put three loose bracelets on my wrist and a gold
ring on my hand. Then she took my left arm and put a small wristwatch on
my wrist. She said, "A girls' not fully dressed until she has her jewelry on.
I'll lend you some of my things for tonight Darla Anne. Now that you've
become a young lady you'll start to accumulate your own things." By now
I was tired of hearing about how I was a "young lady" but I loved my
mother dearly and I decided to go along with her little joke without further
complaining because I knew it was a joke and that she was enjoying it.
Mom then stood up and returned to her cooking duties. She took the
pressure cooker off of the stove, carried it over to, and put it into, the sink.
She explained that she always ran cold water over the top before trying to
open it. This helped cool down the steam left inside and that it would open
easier with the lower pressure. After removing the top and stirring the
contents she placed the cooker back on the stove and put the top on to keep it
warm. She got a large serving bowl out of the cupboard and placed it on the
counter in preparation for putting the stew in it. Just then we heard the front
door open signifying that Father was home from work. Mom looked up at
clock and said, " Wonderful. Right on time. Remember Darla Anne, it's
important to try to have a hot, delicious meal ready for your husband when
he gets home from work. It will go a long way towards keeping him faithful
and loving during all your married years. Also, always greet him with a kiss
and a smile, even when your not feeling well. Make sure that you always
look pretty for him when he gets home. It gives him a good reason to come
home promptly when he's looking forward to seeing you. Remember what I
taught you when you find that special man." I was now beginning to
wonder if Mother had forgotten that I was a boy. I didn't say anything but I
did roll my eyes. She couldn't see me because she was standing behind me
checking my hair.
Mom walked over to the living-room doorway and said, "Judy, Mary,
Susan. Come to the table. Your fathers home. My sisters came into the
kitchen and were shocked to see that, not only was I still wearing a dress but
that I had put on a different dress and had my hair up in curlers. We all sat in
our usual places. They didn't say anything but they were all staring at my
hair and the jewelry that I was wearing. Father came downstairs and walked
into the kitchen. Mother was at the doorway to greet him with the smile and a
kiss. I had never really noticed before but I sure did today. Father didn't
look very happy when he came into the room but as soon as he saw Mom,
and she threw her arms around his neck, greeted, and then kissed him, I
sensed that his entire mood changed. He slapped her on the fanny and I saw
her hand sneak behind him where I think she pinched him. When they
separated his face was lit up with a big smile.
He looked over at us sitting at the table and said, "Hi Kids."
Almost in unison we said, "Hi Daddy."
He came over to the table and pulled out his chair. Mother had taken up a
position behind her chair, which was right next to his, and she was watching
his face intently. As he started to sit down, he noticed me for the first time
since he had come in. He stopped in mid-air and stared at me. Then he
stood back up. He looked at each of my sisters as if trying to see if anything
was unusual about them. Then he looked over at Mother and I saw an almost
imperceptible shake of her head. Father looked back at me and arched his
eyebrows. Then he said, "That stew smells delicious hon, let's eat" and sat
down in his chair. Mom went over to the cooker and emptied the contents
into the serving bowl that she had set out for that purpose. She brought the
stew back to the table and set it in front of Father. Then she sat down and
we said grace, offering our thanks to God for the health and fruitful bounty
that he had bestowed upon us.
Father rose up from his chair and dished out portions of the stew as we
passed our dishes to him. Mother had brought the milk to the table and filled
everyone's glass. We helped ourselves to the bread and butter, passing them
around the table so that each could take what they wanted. Father never said
anything to me during the meal. The secret message that Mom conveyed to
him in the blink of an eye kept him silent, but I did notice him surreptitiously
looking at me when he thought my attention was elsewhere.
When he had finished his meal, he turned to Mom and said, "Honey, that
was absolutely delicious. You are by far the best cook in the state of New
Jersey."
She put on a hurt, pouty face and said, "Only New Jersey? "
He responded by saying, "Well actually in the entire United States."
She gave him another hurt, pouty look and said, "Only in the entire United
States?"
At this point he looked at her, smiled, and then she suddenly jumped while
making a little noise, followed by a giggle. Fathers hands were under the
table and I assumed that he must have pinched her for teasing him.
She said, "Robert, not in front of the girls."
He then gave her a look and leaned over to kiss her on the mouth.
As he straightened back up, she said, "Actually, I can't take full credit for
tonight's dinner. Darla Anne prepared a good portion of it. She was very
helpful in the kitchen today and I think that she learned a few valuable
lessons in food preparation also."
Father got a quizzical look on his face and he said, "Darla Anne?"
My face began to turn beat red and Mother said, "Yes. Your youngest
daughter, silly. But we can talk about that later."
Father looked at me and mumbled, "Oh. Okay."
Witnessing this interaction, I gained a new respect for Mother. She had
always been so submissive to Father. He told her what to do, and she did it.
But now I began to see how she manipulated his actions. Reflecting back on
what I had observed over the years, combined with what she had told me
earlier, and what I was observing now, I began to realize that she did do
what he said without question, but that she got him to tell her to do only
what she wanted to do in the first place.
Father rose from the table and went into the living-room to sit in his favorite
chair and read the evening paper. I had finished eating so I asked Mother if I
might be excused.
She looked at me and said, " Why Darla Anne, are you trying to get out of
helping your sisters with the kitchen cleaning chores?"
I was shocked and my jaw dropped. I looked over at my sisters and they
were all smiling at me. Susan actually giggled a little. I had never had to do
cleanup work before. That was woman's work. All I ever had to do was take
out the trash.
Mom said, "OK girls, lets get started."
Judy went to the pantry and retrieved four aprons. She put hers on after
handing one each to Mary and Susan who also donned their aprons. Then
she stepped behind me and hung the last apron over my neck to cover my
pretty dress and tied the apron strings behind my back as Mother had done
earlier.
Judy and Mary cleared the table while Susan put our small step stool in front
of the sink and after stepping up, began to fill the sink with soapy water. As
the dishes were scraped clean into the trash, they were put into the soapy
water to soak. Judy removed the tablecloth and took it out the back door to
shake out any crumbs, then returned and went down the cellar stairs to the
laundry area. I knew that she would wash out any spots resulting from our
meal, rinse the tablecloth, and hang it up to dry on a line in the cellar.
Meanwhile, Susan removed my wristwatch, ring, and bracelets. She
unbuttoned the sleeves on my dress and rolled them up my arm to my elbow.
Then she told me to get up on the stepstool and proceeded to show me how
to wash the dishes in the warm soapy water. She said that she would dry
when I was finished. Mary was sweeping the floor and would then wipe
down the counters and cabinets. As I washed the dishes and stacked them up
on the sink sideboard, Susan wiped down the refrigerator, and then the
condiments before putting then away.
After I had washed all the dishes. I opened the drain and let the soapy water
run out. I turned on the tap and rinsed the soapy dishes that I had stacked up,
placing them in the drying rack as I finished each one. Susan came over and
began to dry them and put them away.
During all this activity, I had seen my parents go upstairs to their bedroom.
For them to both go upstairs this early meant that they were going to have a
private conversation. I suspected that it was about me. I figured that once
they were upstairs, Father would lay down the law and I would be released
from my feminine clothes. I was looking forward to removing the bra. I was
not used to having anything so constricting on my chest. I have to admit,
however, that the other clothes were softer and far more comfortable than my
jockey shorts, jeans, and tee shirts. The sensation of the soft fabrics on my
hairless body was intoxicating. I was no longer angry at my sisters for doing
this to me, but the mores of our society told me that this was not right and
that I must take off the feminine garments as soon as I was able.
We finished cleaning the kitchen and sat down at the kitchen table. We knew
that as soon as my parents came back downstairs, I would be out of the
feminine clothes in a matter of minutes. My sisters all told me what I big help
I had been and that they had never finished this quickly before. My sister
Judy came over to me and gave me a big hug. She said that she loved me and
that she was so glad that Darla Anne had come to visit with them today. She
said that it had been wonderful to have a new little sister for today and that
she would miss Darla Anne when she was gone. My other sisters came over
and hugged and kissed me and echoed Judy's sentiments. With my sisters
hugging and kissing me, and telling me how much they were going to miss
me, I began to feel as if I was leaving my family. I actually began to feel sad
about reverting to my male identity. Tears actually began to well up in my
eyes when I saw my parents coming back downstairs.
Father returned to the living room to finish reading his paper. Mother came
into the kitchen and saw her four "daughters" embracing. She said, "Now
what's all this about?"
Judy spoke up first and said that she, Mary, and Susan were just saying
goodbye to Darla Anne before she left.
Mother said, "But Darla Anne isn't going anywhere." I figured that she
meant that I would still be here once I had changed back to David. She
continued, "Daddy has said that Darla Anne can stay until David returns on
Monday morning."
My sisters squealed with delight and began hugging and kissing me all over
again. I responded to their enthusiasm without thinking and hugged and
kissed them back. I no longer knew what I felt, or should feel. On one hand
I wanted to become David again but on the other hand I wanted to stay as
Darla because this had been the most wonderful day of my life. The attention
that I had received from my sisters, the Marcoti sisters, and even from
Mother had been overwhelming. While I had always felt loved in my home,
I frequently felt a bit lonely when I saw the bond that my sisters shared. At
school I was often alone during recess because of my limited athletic ability.
But today I had not felt a moment of loneliness. My spirits had been high
ever since I started playing Monopoly. Even while I was rebelling against
being put in lacy undergarments and a dress, I was also reveling in the
attention that was being paid to me. My fears of being punished by my
parents for being found in feminine attire had not diminished my joy at being
the center of attention.
Susan grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the stairs. She said, "Come
on Darla Anne, I have a beautiful dress that I can't wear anymore. I want to
see how it looks on you. I saw Mom smile and then Judy and Mary started
giggling and ran after us. The four of us hurried up the stairs and we went
into the girls bedroom. Judy, Mary and Susan shared a large room at the top
of the stairs. It has a full wall of closets. I suppose that this would have been
classified as a, "Master" bedroom on the blueprints. I have a bedroom right
across the hall but it's only about one quarter the size of this one. My
parents bedroom is at the end of the hall and is just a little smaller than that of
the girls.
Susan unhooked my dress's closure at the back of my neck and pulled the
zipper all the way down while I unfastened the belt. She delicately lifted the
fine gold chain that I was still wearing so that it would not get caught on the
dress and then pushed the dress down over my hips until it fell to the carpet.
The sleeves had still been unbuttoned from when I washed the dishes. Susan
rolled the sleeves back down, zipped the dress, and placed it on a hanger.
She attached the belt to the same hanger by putting the buckle over the hang
hook. She said to me, "Always hang your clothes up right away Darla Anne
so that they stay in top condition." She knew that, as David, I usually just
tossed my clothes over the nearest chair. She told me to take my shoes off
and then asked Judy if Darla could borrow her new heels. She lifted my slip
up to my waist and put a garter belt around me and clasped it. Then she knelt
in front of me and rolled stockings up my legs and attached them to the garter
belt. When I rubbed my nylon covered legs together, the sensation traveled
all the way up to the rollers in my hair. I could not believe how wonderful it
felt. My sisters noticed immediately because the first sensation had caused
me to suck in my breath and I actually trembled. Susan giggled and said,
"Great, huh?" I could only nod my head.
Mary told me to raise my arms and then lifted my slip up and off. Then she
unclasped the training bra and removed it as well. I rubbed the area that it
had been covering, glad to be free of it. But my relief was short-lived. Mary
held out another bra and had me hold out my arms while she affixed it to my
chest. Then she took some nylon stockings, filled the small cups and
replaced the full slip that she had removed. Susan added a petticoat over the
top of that and then another. Then she brought over a beautiful, creme-
colored, taffeta, brides-maid dress that she had worn last year at the
wedding of Gina Marcoti's eldest sister. As she held it over my head waiting
for me to raise my arms, time seemed to slow down. I watched as the dress
started to descend over my torso and I felt myself becoming giddy with
excitement. The sensation of feeling the material glide down my body was
almost more than I could bear. As it settled on the petticoats I suddenly
remembered to start breathing again. Without realizing it, I had been holding
my breath. I was feeling a little light headed but I wasn't sure if it was from
holding my breath or from the excitement of wearing this beautiful gown.
After the dress was zipped up, Susan held my arm while Judy told me to lift
up my right foot. She placed one of her new shoes on it and fastened the
ankle strap. It was only a little loose as she had such tiny feet. Then she told
me to lift my other foot and as I shifted my weight into the shoe that she had
already put on, I felt myself raise up four inches. After she finished buckling
the strap I put my foot down and tried to balance myself. I probably would
have fallen over if Susan had not still been holding onto me. With her help I
started to move around the bedroom. Judy had taken position at my other
arm and was offering me tips on walking in heels. Within five minutes I was
walking unassisted.
Mother came into the bedroom and beamed with delight upon seeing me
walking around in the brides-maid gown and heels. She said, "Oh Darla
Anne, that dress looks wonderful on you. I just got an idea. Judy, Susan,
put on your matching dresses. Susan, put on your new prom dress. Fix your
hair and faces girls, then come downstairs. Darla Anne, come into my
bedroom. Oh, Susan, give me the gloves that you bought to go with this
dress. Thank you dear."
I followed her down the hall feeling wonderful with the new height that was
provided by the shoes. Mom told me to sit down at her makeup table and she
went to work on my face. First she removed the makeup that Gina had put
on. Then, starting with a new foundation, she worked her magic on me to
transform my face in ways that I would not have believed possible. She took
the scarf off my head and removed the rollers from my hair. Then using a
comb and brush she styled my hair, giving me bangs that fell to my
eyebrows. She put gold clip-on earrings on me and took the delicate chain
necklace, that I still wore, out from under the neckline of my gown so that it
rested on the dress. She had me put on the elbow length gloves that she had
gotten from Susan, and then put the bracelets and wristwatch, that I had
worn earlier, back on my wrists.
While she had worked on me she had reminded to sit up straight, cross my
legs, and other little tips that I should know. Now she had me stand up and
walk around the bedroom so that she could see the final results. She told me
to take shorter steps and to place each foot in front of the other, and that, if I
swiveled my hips a little I would have better balance. After a few minutes of
practice, she told me to concentrate more on walking on the balls of my feet
rather than the heels. She also told me that I was holding my arms out too
far. They should be tighter to my body. She said to continue practicing while
she checked to see how the other girls were doing. I had now become so
used to being referred to as "her" that I did not realize she had said "the other
girls" until after she had left the room. I continued practicing my walk while
incorporating all of the tips that Mom had given me. She was gone for about
ten minutes and by the time that she came back, I felt perfectly natural in the
four inch heels. I wished that Gina was there so that I could try to slow
dance in the shoes.
Mom watched for a couple of minutes and then came over to me and hugged
me. She said that it was always such a thrill to see a young girl learning to
walk in her first heels. She added that I had taken to them like a duck to
water. Most girls have to work their way up from low heels before they
become as proficient as I already was with my first pair. She took me over to
her closet and opened the door. She had a full length mirror mounted on the
inside of the door and I got my first good look at myself. Prior to this I had
only seen my face in the makeup mirror. I stood and stared at my reflection.
What I saw was a pretty girl who looked to be about fourteen years old. For
this special occasion Mom had violated her own rule and used makeup
around my eyes. She must have known what I was thinking because she told
me that it was OK because I would not be leaving the house looking like
this. I turned to see myself from several different angles as I had seen Mom
and my sisters do when they were trying on dresses while shopping. I could
hardly believe that this was my reflection.
Mom came over and said, "Yes Darla Anne, that's you in the mirror. You are
a beautiful young girl. I just used the make-up to make you look a little older
than your ten years, but the bone-structure of your face is all yours. I could
not fake that. In a few years you'll have every young man in town calling
you for a date. Remember all the things that I have told you, and will tell
you, about how to be the perfect wife to your husband. A good marriage
does not just happen. You have to work at it. You will have to suppress
your own ego in favor of your husband's. You must be supportive and
caring at all times unless your husband shows that he is not deserving of
your support and care. Selecting the right man for marriage is difficult.
Sometimes we women become infatuated with the wrong man. You can not
always trust your heart alone. You must use your head as well. But when
your head tells you that you have found Mr. Right, your heart must agree. If
you're very lucky, you'll find someone as wonderful as your father. And
remember, you must save yourself for your husband until you get married.
Don't pay any attention to all this talk of free love that so we hear so much
about these days. Love is not free. There are always prices to pay. No good
man wants to marry a tramp. He may be willing to use a tramp for sexual
release and gratification until the right girl comes along but he won't marry
one. Will you remember all that I've told you tonight?"
I said, "Yes Mommy, I'll remember."
"Mommy?", I said.
She replied, "Yes, Darla Anne."
I said, "You remember that I'm a boy, don't you?"
She laughed and said, "Of course I remember, darling. Through a innocent
game that your sisters started with you, and with the consent of your
wonderful father, you are being given a marvelous gift. You are being
allowed to see what life looks like from the viewpoint of women. Until
Monday morning you will live like, and be treated like, a girl. On Monday
morning your father says that you must return to your true identity of David
Alexander Drake. I hope that by that time I can teach you enough about what
it's like to be a woman that you will be a better man for the experience. I
know that what you learn this weekend will stay with you for your entire
life. So,. since your father has consented to this, until Monday morning you
are officially a young lady; and until then I'm going to treat you just like I
treat your sisters. The things that I tell you are the things that I have told
them. The things that I show you are the things that I have shown them. I
can't compress thirty-four years of experience into one weekend but I'll
teach you everything I can in that time. We will do our best to see that
nobody outside the family learns about your little secret; except for the
Marcoti sisters, but I don't think that they'll tell anyone. Just enjoy the
experiences and don't have any guilt about them since they're outside your
control. Now give me just a minute to fix myself up a little."
Mom sat down at her makeup table and brushed her hair. Then she touched
up her face and pressed a tissue lightly between her lips after applying her
lipstick. She went to her dresser and picked up a bottle that she referred to as
an atomizer. Then she sprayed a small burst of perfume into the air and
stepped into it. She called me over to her side and showed me how to hold
the bottle so that I could duplicate her actions. I could smell her perfume on
her, and in the air. I sprayed the atomizer, and stepped into the mist as she
had. I was instantly enveloped in the fragrance.
"Perfect", she said. "You are such a quick learner. Now, young lady, lets
go downstairs."
As we passed my sisters bedroom I saw that they were getting dressed.
Mother told me to wait at the top of the stairs while she went down to the
kitchen. She came back out with her camera and started giving me directions.
"Now remember, you are the most beautiful girl in the world. I want you to
smile. Bigger smile. Now start to walk down the stairs. Pick up the front of
your gown like I showed you and look down to see where your walking..
Remember to smile. Bigger smile. That's perfect Darla Anne... Now stop on
that stair and look at me. Smile.. Bigger.. Put your left hand on the railing..
Turn a little to the left.. Now turn a little to the right.. Now start walking
down again.. Beautiful.. Perfect.. Keep walking.. Big smile.. and look at
the camera." All the time that she was giving me directions, she was
snapping pictures with her Nikkormat camera. The flash was making me see
spots. After I reached the bottom, she sent me up to do it again. And when I
next reached the bottom, she sent me up a third time. When I reached the
bottom stair for the third time, I needed a break from the flash.
My sisters had finished getting ready and Mom now turned her attention to
them. I watched them as they came down the stairs. They were all so
beautiful in their gowns that any one of them, or all of them, could have been
a fashion model. As I watched the graceful way that they descended the
stairs, I hoped that I looked even half as graceful as they did. When Mom
finished with the stairway photos, we filed into the living room and lined up
in front of the fireplace. Mom positioned me between Judy and Mary
because we were all wearing matching gowns. Susan was wearing her new
prom formal and mom positioned her on the left side. After every two shots
we changed positions. Then it was time for the close-ups. Mom had us sit on
the carpet with a footrest in front of front of us, for us to lean on. Mom had
put a piece of blue velvet material on the footrest so that it resembled a
photographers model bench. Next came several shots of each of us sitting on
the velvet covered footrest. Mom would have us pose in all sorts of positions
such as looking over our shoulder, or with our heads and eyes raised
upwards. While she was shooting one of us, the other girls would be
looking through magazines for ideas for interesting poses.
Father had awoken in his easy chair and was sleepily watching us from his
reclined position. Susan leaned over to me and told me to watch everything
that she did, very carefully. I watched closely as she went over and sat on
his lap, and gave him a big hug and a kiss after saying, "Hi Daddy."
He was busy watching what Mom was doing and absently said, "Hi
sweetheart", and kissed her on her forehead. He put his arms around her
and pulled her down to cradle her against his chest. She snuggled in his arms
and laid her head on his shoulder with her forehead resting against his cheek.
She then asked him if he would pose for Mom. He replied that he was not
dressed properly to have his portrait taken.
She said, "OK Daddy" and climbed up off of his lap. She came over to me
and whispered, "Did you watch me closely?" I nodded and she said, "OK,
now you." I just looked at her, and then I saw that old mischievous look
that I had come to know so well. That gave me the courage to do it. I got up
and walked over to his chair. His attention was still fixed on Mother's
picture shooting so he did not pay any particular attention to me. I climbed
up onto his lap as I had watched Susan do and gave him a big hug and a kiss
after saying, "Hi Daddy." He said, "Hi sweetheart" as he put his arms
around me and pulled me down to cradle me against his chest as he had done
with Susan. He absently kissed me on the forehead as I snuggled in his arms
and I put my head on his shoulder with my forehead resting against his
cheek. As I laid in his arms, I tried to remember the last time that he had
held me. It had been so long that I could not recall it. Men did not embrace
other men in Father's world. I was enjoying Father's embrace. I could feel
the strength in his arms that was the result of his construction work.
Suddenly I heard Mother say, "Darla Anne, come over here and stop
bothering your father."
Father said, "She's not bothering m.....DARLA ANNE?"
I gave him a big kiss on his check leaving a lip stick mark there and got up
off his lap. Mother said, "Oh Darla Anne, now your smeared your lips.
Susan please get the lipstick from my bedroom and fix your sister's face.
Thank you honey." I looked over at Father. He had his eyes closed and
would have appeared to be asleep if it had not been for the way that his jaw
was clamped so tightly shut. I was sorry now that I had played the little joke
on him. I had not wanted to hurt him.
Mother, as always, immediately understood Father's mood and decided to
get me out of the room to defuse any potential problem. She was currently
taking pictures of Mary, and Susan had left to retrieve the lipstick so she
said, "Judy, would you take your sister out into the hallway and help her
practice her walking and deportment."
Judy said, "Of course Mommy" and, taking my hand, led me out of the
room. Judy had me walk back and forth, the length of the hallway, a few
times.
Susan had come back downstairs with the lipstick and I stopped so that Judy
could touch up my lips. She said, "Now pay attention Darla Anne, you have
to learn to this for yourself. Your sisters won't always be around to put on
your makeup." I watched carefully in the hall mirror to the way that she
held the lipstick and applied it to my lips. Then she gave me a tissue to blot
any excess.
When she was done, Susan came over to me smiling, hugged me, and said
in very low tones, "Oh Darla Anne, that was priceless. I thought that I was
going to pee my pants when Daddy realized who he was holding."
I smiled back but Judy, always our "second mother", scolded us. She said,
"That was terrible. You should not have embarrassed Daddy that way.
Susan, haven't you learned ANYTHING from Mother. It's OK to do things
like that to friends our own age but as young women, we must never
embarrass our parents, boyfriends, or husbands. They occupy a position of
authority and such actions will undermine the sense of respect that we must
maintain in these relationships. Don't forget that respect works both ways.
When we give respect, we receive it as well. If that respect is lost, then the
relationship could be damaged or even destroyed."
Susan rolled her eyes and said, "Oh boy, you've been spending way too
much time with Mother."
Judy ignored her and turned to me. "Now Darla Anne, I want you to walk
back and forth some more. I think that you are doing wonderful with those
high heels. Much better than I ever would have expected given the short time
that you've been wearing them, but you're holding your arms a little bit too
far from your body. It looks like you're trying to balance yourself on a
tightrope. Pull your arms in and glide into each step. Put your weight on the
balls of your feet and try to place each foot directly in front of the last. Now
concentrate and walk." After several trips she said, "Pretty good but your
arms are still a problem. Here, try this. Put your hands together. No, don't
interlock your fingers, just lay one hand on top of the other with both palms
facing each other. Good, now relax, with your hands no lower than your
waist and your elbows at your sides. Good, but relax a little more. Pretend
that your holding a small bird in your hands and you certainly don't want to
crush it. Now walk back and forth."
I continued to walk the length of the hallway for the next ten minutes with
Judy offering praise at times and tips for correcting me at others.
Then she said, "OK, time for a break." I was relieved to hear those words
because my fe