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Flower Girl By Caitlin Rose Author's Note: "Flower Girl is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental. It is a copywrited work of Caitlin Rose. It may be archived at any site provided that the site does not charge a fee for access and that the story is not edited or abridged. This work contains no sexual content, but it does contain cross dressing. If you're offended, don't read it." ************************************************************************ Josh was a boomer. He'd been born in 1944 while his father was in the Army. That first year of his life was all fuzzy in his mind, as it is in most folk's minds. Josh remembered very little from then; his mother, his crib, stuff like that. Josh remembered a lot more, from the next few years. He remembered the kids making fun of him. He remembered crying, crying a lot. "Mom, why did you name me Josh? The kids all say it rhymes with 'wash.' It's a stupid name." "Josh, your name is short for Joshua, a great Prophet from the Bible. Not only that, you were named after my mother, who died before you were born. Her name was Judith." "Mom, you named me after a girl?" Josh was humiliated. Most of his friends were Italian. They were named after their fathers, or uncles, or even grandfathers. His one Jewish friend was named Steve. That was an American name, not something stupid like Josh, a Bible name. Worst of all, he was named after a girl! As Josh grew, it only got worse. He was a small child. He was often both the oldest kid in the class, and the shortest! Even most of the girls were taller than he was. And Josh was a child who cried easily. He often felt very alone, and very much like something was very wrong. He felt his mother didn't like him very much. After all, she had given him that stupid name. And, she had named him after a girl. Sometimes, Josh would wonder if life would better if he really were a girl. Would his mother really love him more? Would she stop yelling at him? Would she smile and talk gently, like the ladies on TV did? What would he be like if he was a girl, or even if he were a "good boy"? Would he always be dressed up, even if it wasn't a Jewish holiday? Would his hair always be combed with the smelly, stiff stuff like the barber used? Could he stand it, if his was life like that? What if they made him be like that? And if they made him be like that, and he did it well, would his mother be nice, instead of being angry all the time? When Josh was about eight, there was a big event in the family. His mother's younger brother Jay, (he never wanted anyone to call him Jacob) was getting married for the second time. His first marriage had ended in divorce, which was a pretty rare thing in those days. His first wife had been a non-Jew. When he got married the first time, his father, Josh's maternal grandfather, had observed a traditional mourning ritual for Jacob. Jacob had married out of the faith. In the old man's eyes, he was dead. Jay was marrying another gentile woman. No mourning this time, his father was already gone by now. When Jay and Peggy had been going out together for about 3 months, Jay had brought her to the house to meet his family. That's when Josh had met his new aunt-to-be. He thought she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She looked and sounded like someone on TV. Her voice was sweet and not loud. Her hair was long and so smooth. She didn't pinch his cheek and say something weird. She just shook his hand and said he was a fine boy. Then she hugged him. When Jay and Peggy had been seeing each other for about six months, they announced their plans to marry. It was going to be a big wedding. Josh knew that his new Aunt Peggy was going to be the beautiful bride. She was so pretty and gentle. Why did his mother say so many bad things about Peggy? She even complained that Peggy's baby niece was going to be the Flower Girl. "There shouldn't even be a flower girl. That's not our custom. Why is Jacob going along with all this? Doesn't he remember how it ended last time?" One day, Jay came to the door. Mother let him in. "Sadie, I've got some bad news" "What's wrong?" "It's Peggy's niece. She fell off a seesaw in the schoolyard and broke her ankle. She'll be all right, but she's on crutches for the next two weeks and won't be able to be in the wedding." "That's not bad news. That's good news. That means no Flower Girl, who needs that goyisher narishkeit (gentile foolishness) anyway." " Peggy is just about heartbroken," Jay said. "Well, she'll just have to get over it" "Sadie, please don't be like that. I just want to ask you something. Maybe we can do something to make Peggy feel better. She feels really bad about her niece not being able to be in the wedding. You know she has been an orphan for just over two years and treasures every family connection she has left." "So what can we do about it? Josh is a boy, and my Susan is only 18 months old. There just aren't any other little girls in the family. Peggy will have to get married without her precious Flower Girl." "Well maybe not. Josh, will you come in here a minute" "Sure Uncle Jay, here I am." Uncle Jay was one on Josh's favorite people. He was strong and he was always showing Josh something new, or talking about interesting things. Best of all, he never, never asked Josh how he was doing in school. " Josh, I guess your mom has told you that before I went to work as a salesman, I used to be a singer." In fact, Josh's mother had told him many times about her "kid brother" who had been a singer at Radio City Music Hall. Josh really didn't care much about music, and thought his mother bragging about what her brother used to do, was kind of silly. "Well" Jay continued, "I had really studied to be an actor. Not college or anything that fancy, but I took some courses at night and acted in a few small productions. Were you ever in a school play, Josh?" "Yes I was" "Did you like it?" The yearly school plays were one of the few things in school that Josh *did* like. Josh was proud that he could memorize the lines quickly. By the time the rehearsals were over, and the play was about to be put on, he usually knew his part and all the other parts in the play too. " Josh, would you be willing to do some acting to help out your new Aunt Peggy and me?" Josh would probably have fought a dragon with a butter knife, to help his Aunt Peggy. Josh's mother just sat across the kitchen table and looked sullen. She was torn between the love and pride she felt for her brother, and the feelings she had about Peggy. She had just about raised her "kid brother", after their mother had died. Now, after all that, Peggy shows up. She was one of "them" stealing away her handsome and talented brother. Peggy was tall and beautiful and proud. Sadie always considered herself to be a bit mousy. She had a slight sideways curve to her spine, which she attributed to carrying a heavy bag of books to school every day as a child. Sadie had some bitterness over never having become a teacher, like her two older brothers had become. When her mother died, she being the only woman in the family, became the homemaker. She took care of her father and her younger brother, Jacob. When he married for the first time, and moved out, Sadie got a war time clerical job. She held that job until she got married. "That's enough. I won't have you getting Josh involved in any strange scheme that Peggy dreamed up." "Peggy didn't dream it up, I did." "Well I still won't let you get Josh involved in it. I don't like Peggy and don't see why I have to accommodate her wishes." "It's not you doing anything. It's Josh who would be helping Peggy and he hasn't even heard the plan yet" "Josh, what does Josh know? He's just an eight year old brat." Josh thought, "There she goes again Why is she calling me a brat? I didn't even do anything. All I'm doing is talking to Uncle Jay about school plays." Now his mother and Jay were shouting at each other. She turned to Josh " Josh, go out and play" shouted his mother. "And stay out of the mud this time. Mud should be your middle name" Josh sulked out of the kitchen and into the yard. He could still hear them arguing in the kitchen, but he couldn't make out the words. He became absorbed in watching some ants work on a Popsicle stick that still had some chocolate on it. Finally their voices got softer. Then his mom came to the door and called him in. As Josh came through the back door, his mother was talking to his uncle. "Go ahead and talk to him. I won't have any part of it. It won't work anyway with a slob kid like this. He'll just be a laughingstock. So will Peggy. I'll be laughing the loudest." Then she just walked out of the room. "Josh" began Uncle Jay, "Would you be willing to do some acting as a favor to Aunt Peggy and me?" "You mean like in a play?" "Yes, in a way it would be just like in a play, but it would have more to do with `doing things' than with `saying things.'" " My teacher said that when you do things in a play, its called 'stage business'" Josh remembered. "Yes that's true. The part you would be playing would be just about all stage business. You'll have to wear a costume, and a kind of disguise as well" "Do you think I can do it. Our school plays don't have costumes, and I've never had a disguise" "I think you can do anything you try. You are about the smartest kid I've ever met." Jay told him with a big smile. "Besides Peggy and I will help you. She used to work in plays to." "She must have been an actress. She looks so beautiful." "Actually, she did a little acting, but mostly she made costumes and did makeup and hair styling" " Wow, I heard that famous actors had special people to do that stuff, and that those people are really good at it." "Josh, get your jacket while I tell your mom that you'll be spending the afternoon with Peggy and me. We'll talk more in the car." By the time they had arrived at Peggy's apartment, Jay had explained the plan to Josh. Josh would "play the part" of a Flower Girl at Jay and Peggy's wedding. Josh wasn't too happy or confident about it. "I don't know if I can do it. I don't want to look silly, or have people laugh at me. I don't look anything like a girl." Josh had said that with a strange sad feeling. He was sure that if he did look like a girl, everyone would like him a lot more than they did. If he really looked and acted like a girl, his mother wouldn't call him "mister mud" anymore. Though he never thought he would ever get a chance to try, he thought it would be great to be a pretty little girl with beautiful long hair. But Josh knew he wasn't allowed to feel that way. Boys were boys, and girls were girls. If a boy did anything that was girly, like cry when he got picked on, the kids called him a sissy or a crybaby, and laughed at him. This had happened to Josh so many times, he couldn't count. And every time he cried and got teased, it just made him feel like crying more. Maybe, he thought, part of him was a girl. He sure wasn't very good at being a boy. Peggy welcomed Jay with a big hug and kiss and then hugged Josh. "You guys want some milk and cookies?" "I sure do." said Jay. "Me too." Josh added. Over milk and cookies, all three of them discussed the plan. As it turned out, Peggy really didn't expect Josh to be disguised as her niece Betty; Peggy just wanted Josh to look as much as possible like a pretty little girl. All Josh would have to do is look pretty, and walk down the aisle in front of Peggy; carrying a basket of pretty flowers and tossing flower petals onto the floor. Then he would stand there during the wedding ceremony, and walk back out with the wedding party. "Josh, would you like to rehearse a little bit, just to see if you can do it?" "Sure Aunt Peggy, I'll try it, but I'm not sure I can do it, and I wouldn't want to spoil your wedding." Actually, Josh wanted to do this more than he had ever wanted to do anything in his life. He had dreamed about how wonderful it would be to be a girl, to be all pretty and clean, and to have everyone smile at him. He was scared. What if anyone found out? His mother and father would know. Would they make fun of him? Or would they tell anybody else? What if someone from his school saw him and recognized him? That would be the worst. With some trepidation, Josh listened to Aunt Peggy's instructions. "This won't be a dress rehearsal, I just want you to try something. Walk down the hall in the apartment with your head up and smiling, while taking small steps. Not little baby steps like in 'Simon Says,' but in between normal size and baby steps. Here, hold these in front of you." With that, Aunt Peggy handed him a bunch of artificial flowers from off the kitchen table. Josh tried it. At first he was so conscious of the size of his steps that he kept looking down at his feet, and didn't smile at all. The flowers kind of pointed out sideways at a funny angle. But practice makes perfect, and Josh was a quick study. By the sixth try, Josh was walking daintily down the hall, with good posture and the angelic smile of a sweet little girl. As he walked, he tossed make-believe flower petals. Peggy had him do it a few more times. It got easier each time. Josh basked in the praise of his favorite uncle, and his beautiful new aunt. "That was great Josh. I know this is going to work out fine." "Thanks Aunt Peggy." Josh wasn't so sure. He'd been able to walk down the hall all right, but he didn't feel like a pretty girl. He just felt like he was playing a silly game. "Aunt Peggy, do you really think this will work. I saw myself in the mirror at the end of the hall and I just looked like myself. I guess I looked like a sissy, with flowers and a big smile on my face, but I didn't look anything like a girl." "Josh, the rest is my department. All you have to do is walk and smile like you did, and feel pretty inside." That was going to be the hardest part for Josh. It wouldn't be easy to "feel pretty inside" when his mother kept telling him that "mud should be your middle name." "Are you ready to try on your costume, Josh?" "Sure Aunt Peggy, I'll try it on." Josh answered with little enthusiasm. "Well, come with me." He followed Aunt Peggy into the bedroom. "Josh, take off your pants and shirt, shoes and socks. You can keep your under shorts on for now. Josh was a little embarrassed at getting undressed in front of his aunt. He moved very slowly. "Josh, I grew up with 2 brothers of my own. I know what little boys look like." Josh put his pants and shirt on the bed and walked over to Aunt Peggy. "Now hold your hands up over your head. I'm going to put a crinoline slip on you." "What is a crinoline slip?" "You'll see." With that she lowered the garment over Josh's head and settled the elastic around his waist. Josh looked down at the wide white skirt standing stiffly out from his body. His legs felt very bare, but when he looked down he saw he was wearing a piece of clothing, girls clothing. "Walk around a bit, get used to it." Josh tried a few steps. When his leg rubbed against the material, it felt a bit stiff and scratchy. But if he took those small steps he had practiced, his legs never touched the crinoline. It just seemed to float around him. "Very good!" Aunt Peggy was smiling and clapping her hands. "Now lets try the dress" "Isn't this a dress?" "No Josh, what you have on, goes on under the kind of dress you will be wearing at the wedding. It holds the dress away from your body, so you look like you're floating, instead of just walking" "So this is a kind of underwear?" "Yes, I guess it is. Hold your arms up again and I'll help you put your dress on" "My dress" thought Josh, "How can I have a dress? I'm a boy!" But the idea sounded very exciting. Peggy went to the closet and returned carrying a white dress. Josh looked at it with a kind of awe. It wasn't just a dress. It looked like a dress a fairy princess would wear. It was made of a white silky material that shimmered in the light. The sleeves where white and puffed out like cotton candy. The top part was decorated with little flowers and beads. There was a big white bow in the back. Josh had seen little girls wearing dresses something like this one, a few times. He always thought they were someone very special. Aunt Peggy eased the dress down over Josh's head. It came to rest on his shoulders. His arms slid easily into the sleeves. It felt smooth and cool against Josh's skin. Josh looked down at the dress and felt an excitement unlike anything he had ever felt before. Every nerve on his skin seemed to tingle. He wanted to wear the dress forever. "Here, let me do up the back" Aunt Peggy's voice bought him back to reality. As she did up the tiny buttons on the back of the dress, Josh could feel the material drawing in snugly around his chest. It felt a bit tight, but it was so smooth that it felt like a kind of soft hug. Josh loved the feeling. Aunt Peggy stepped back and looked. " It fits very well. Fortunately, at your age, little boys and little girls have about the same shape." "Try these on" Aunt Peggy held out a pair of socks and a pair of shoes to Josh. The socks were white, and came up to Josh's knees. They were very thin and had tiny white bows near the tops. The shoes were white too. They were shiny and had a T shaped strap in the front, instead of laces. They were much lighter than Josh's regular shoes. Josh put them on very carefully. He fumbled a bit with the little buckles until he got them right. When he had the shoes buckled, he got up to try walking. The shoes were comfortable. Josh did what his mother had always made him do when he tried on new shoes. He walked a few steps, then ran a few steps. "No running, Josh. Little girls run sometimes, just like little boys, but not when they are dressed up. When little girls are trying to look especially pretty, they always walk slowly and with small steps." Josh didn't have to be asked again. He walked out into the hall and walked slowly down its length taking the same small steps he had practiced. Josh could hear the hard, thin soles of the shoes tapping lightly on the wood floor. When he looked down, he could see the wide skirt of the dress billowing around his legs. He was looking at a girl moving down the hall, and he was the girl! As he watched the dress and felt its silky softness, he felt like he was floating on a cloud. This was perfect. So this was why girls liked being dressed up, why they always played clean, gentle games. If he could stay like this forever! When he got to the end of the hall, he turned as gracefully as he could and began to walk back toward Aunt Peggy's room. Suddenly he saw something and shouted "Oh no!" Josh broke into a run. By the time he crossed the fifteen-foot distance to his Aunt's arms, tears were streaming down his cheeks. "What happened, did you twist your ankle when you turned." Josh buried his face in his Aunt's arms and kept crying. When his crying abated he was able to speak. "Aunt Peggy, it will never work. When I started to walk back to you, I saw myself in the big mirror. I look like a boy wearing a dress, which is what I am. I think I was starting to feel like a girl, but it's no use. I look like a boy. My mother is right, everybody is going to laugh at me." " Josh, come here and sit down." She offered Josh a seat at the small oval table at one side of the room. The table was draped in pale blue cloth and had a glass top. On the wall in front of the table was an oval mirror. The mirror frame matched the pale blue of the table. On the table were all kinds of small bottles, jars, and one or two small boxes. A soft sweet smell seemed to come from the table. "Josh, how can you say you look like a boy? Did you ever see a boy in a beautiful dress?" "Aunt Peggy, it sure is a beautiful dress. And the part of me that's in the dress does look like a girl. But the rest of me looks just like I did before" "Josh, turn your chair around and face me. It's time for me to show you some magic." Josh did as his aunt asked. She asked, "Josh, can you tell me how little girls look different from little boys, besides the clothes they wear?" "Well, girls have different hair. Its long and sometimes they have ribbons in it." " Anything else Josh?" "No, nothing I can think of right off." "You're right Josh. At your age, Josh, it's mostly just the clothes and the hair. For a special occasion, like a wedding, there could be a few extra touches. Mostly, though, when people see someone in a pretty dress, with long beautiful hair, they say `what a pretty girl.' And if that child thinks and acts like a pretty girl, no one will ever think they are seeing anything else." "Josh, let's do your hair first, then we can try a few other things. Ok?" "Sure Aunt Peggy" Josh was almost too excited to speak. "Do his hair" He'd heard women, and even girls talk about "doing" their hair. For his own hair, he had only heard about "washing" "cutting" or "combing" never "doing." Wow, that tiny word "do" sounded so special, so girly! Peggy began to brush his rather short hair forward. It fell across his forehead at an angle, the shape left from his "regular haircut" at the barbershop. Peggy wet Josh's hair a little from a spray bottle and continued to brush his hair flat against his forehead. "Its lucky you haven't had a haircut in the last few weeks. Your bangs are just about long enough to work with. I'm just going to trim them straight across. They won't be long bangs, but at least they'll be straight, even, and pretty." Peggy snipped at Josh's hair with a small scissors. She cut off only tiny bits. "Now lets do something about the back" Josh's hair was fairly short on the top and back, but Peggy seemed to know what she was doing. She brushed the bangs forward and pinned them there with bobby pins. Josh could feel the cold metal against his forehead. He didn't know exactly what was happening, but he knew he had never had anything like that "attached" to his hair before. Peggy went on to work with the hair at the crown of Josh's head. "Josh, you have such beautiful, thick, rich brown hair. I wish your mother would let it grow longer instead of having the barber cut it so short." "I wish I could have it long too. Girl's hair looks much better than boy's hair." Josh had felt that way about hair for as long as he could remember. He hadn't ever told anyone before. He knew it just wasn't allowed. "Well, I wish yours was about two inches longer right now, but I think I can work with this." Josh could feel Aunt Peggy pulling gently at his hair, sometimes hurting him just a little. "Ouch, don't pull my hair like that, it hurts" "Oh; it will only be for a little while longer. Sometimes it hurts a bit to be beautiful" "What are you doing to my hair?" "Well, I need a way to attach something to your hair, to make it look longer. Right now, I'm making a tiny braid along the top of your head." Braid! The word itself was fantastic to Josh. He had only seen braids in long hair, sometimes very long hair. "That does it. Josh, you can feel it if you want". Josh gingerly put his hand up to the top of his head, where he had felt his Aunt working. He felt a tight band running across the top of his head. It was definitely his own hair, but it felt like some kind of thin rope attached to his head. It hurt a bit if he tried to move it. Then Peggy held something up in front of Josh. "This is a fall. I think it's a pretty good color match to your hair." Aunt Peggy was holding up something that looked to Josh, like some kind of wig. It looked like very shiny, beautiful, long, brown hair. It was mostly straight, except that, near the ends, it was curled under in a smooth wave. "I'm going to pin this fall onto your hair, into the braid you just touched. It will probably be a bit uncomfortable at first, because I had to make the braid pretty tight." With that, Peggy placed the fall on Josh's head and began to work bobby pins into the fall and the braid. Josh could feel the pulling as the braid was lifted slightly to allow the pins to slide under it. After about five minutes of this, Peggy began to work at the fall with a brush. Josh could feel the pull at the braid as she made long slow strokes through the shiny, brown hair. Josh could feel the ends of the hair against his neck and cheeks. Now and then as Peggy brushed, Josh would catch a glimpse of brown hair near his eye. Josh could think only of how he must look. He imagined himself with beautiful, long flowing hair. The thought was so exciting he could hardly breath. "Your hair is almost done, but I can't finish it yet because your bangs aren't quite dry. Let's have some fun while we're waiting." "Can I look in the mirror" "Not yet." Peggy answered with a big smile. " I told you this was magic, and every spell has special rules." Josh didn't believe in magic. He had seen people do "magic tricks" but he was sure it was something you learned from books and by practicing. It wasn't really "magic." This time though, Josh decided to play along. "I'm going to finish prettying you up while we wait for your bangs to dry. Usually girls your age don't use makeup or nail polish, but this is for a special occasion, so you can use a little, tiny bit." Peggy filed Josh's nails and put pink nail polish on them. Josh tried to keep his hands still on the edge of the table while the polish dried on his nails. The look of his pink, shiny nails was exciting. The smell of the nail polish as it dried, reminded him of the smell of the paint he used on model airplanes. Did girls think that making themselves pretty was a "hobby?" What a great hobby! "I'm going to put some lipstick on you now, and put just a little bit of makeup around your eyes." The lipstick felt smooth and smelled like raspberry candy. She used a dark pencil on his eyebrows, then asked Josh to stay very still while she applied something to his eyelids and even around his eyelashes. "Wow, this really brings out your eyes. I wish I had deep brown, intense eyes like you do." Josh didn't know what to say. People hardly said anything nice to him, and here was his beautiful aunt, telling him that she wished her eyes were as nice as his were. Josh had never noticed what color his aunt's eyes were. Now he looked up and saw that hers were light blue. They reminded him of the color of the sky on a mild morning. "Aunt Peggy, I like the color of your eyes too" "Thank you, Josh. That's very sweet of you. I think your bangs are about dry. I'll take the pins out and brush them, and then you can look in the mirror." Peggy worked at Josh's hair for a few more minutes and then asked Josh to turn around and look in the mirror. When Josh did, he couldn't believe his eyes. What he saw was a very pretty girl. He couldn't take his eyes off her long brown hair. It was mostly straight with soft curls near the bottom. Her face was very pretty, with pink lips and the biggest brown eyes he had ever seen. She had a large white bow at the top of her head. He could recognize that it was himself in the mirror, but no "self" he had ever seen before. "Aunt Peggy, you did it! It is magic. You turned me into a girl" " OK Josh, now take that walk down the hall again, and see how you look in the big mirror" Josh walked slowly out of the bedroom, remembering to take small steps. He felt the dress float around his legs, held out by the stiff crinoline. He could feel the long hair around his cheeks and neck. When he reached the end of the hall, he turned and started back toward the bedroom. Just like the last time, he could see himself in the long mirror. Only now, Josh was overjoyed. He started to run to Peggy, but remembered to walk with small steps, "pretty girl steps" as he had started to call them in his mind. When he reached his aunt, he rushed toward her and hugged and kissed her. "Thank you so much Aunt Peggy, now I know I can be your Flower Girl. I wish I could stay like this forever!" "Forever is a long time Josh. But talk about time! We've been at this for two hours already. Your mother will be expecting you home for supper soon, and we have to get you changed back into a boy. "I guess I have to change back, don't I? Ok" Peggy helped him take off the dress and the crinoline. He put his jeans and tee shirt on. She removed the polish from his nails and had him sit at the vanity table again while she removed the fall and undid the braid on his head. It took much less time to undo it, than it had to put it in. She sent Josh to the bathroom with instructions to wash his face with lots of soap, especially his lips and around his eyes. When Josh was finished washing up, Peggy wet his hair and brushed it back into his usual boy style. " Josh, keep it brushed like this and your mom won't notice that I trimmed your bangs. And if you can, try to avoid a haircut between now and the wedding." Josh worried about that last part. He knew that according to his mother, almost anything was a reason to get a haircut. It seemed like he was getting them every other week. Well, maybe if he kept it neatly combed all the time; she wouldn't take him to the barber for the next two weeks. Uncle Jay drove Josh back home in time for supper. Josh didn't want to talk much during dinner, and avoided his mother's questions about what he had done at Peggy's, as well as he could. It really wasn't that hard, his mother was busy with Susan, as usual, and his father was in his own world with the newspaper. After dinner, it was a different story. Sadie called Josh into the living room and asked him directly "What did you do at Peggy's place? Did she dress you up and make you act like a little girl?" Josh looked down at the floor as a wave of shame came over him. He barely whispered "Yes." "Did you like it?" He almost blurted out the truth, but he caught himself. "It felt a little funny." "Well, remember you're a boy. I know you're a skinny little boy, but you're still a boy." "Don't worry Mom, I know I'm a boy." "Well don't forget it. You can play for about an hour now before bedtime, but be quiet. Your little sister is going to sleep now." "Wow." thought Josh "It worked." Josh didn't know much about how his mother thought, but one thing he knew for sure. That was if he really liked doing something, she would usually try to stop him from doing it. He loved dressing up and acting like a pretty little girl too much to ever risk his mother stopping it. He decided never to tell her how much fun it really was. He went into his room and changed into his pajamas. He went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and looked in the mirror. He saw the little boy looking back at him and felt a touch of sadness as he remembered the pretty face that looked back at him a few hours ago. He took some water into his cupped hands and put it on his hair. Then, taking a hairbrush, he brushed his bangs down and made them flat against his forehead, as his aunt had done earlier that day. The feel of the cool, wet hair against his forehead, and the shiny look of the bangs reminded him even more of his "girly day." Then he heard his mother on the stairs and quickly used the brush to smooth his hair back into his usual style. He did make it extra neat hoping it would help avoid a haircut. Then next day, after school, Josh's mother asked him to try on his suit. It was dark blue. Josh had only worn it a few times. He hated everything about it. When he first got it, it was too big. Now about a year later, it fit better. Josh's mother wanted to see if the pants were the right length. "Pull up your pants, your belt doesn't belong that low." Josh had no idea where his belt "belonged." "You'll have to learn to wear your clothes properly if you want people to think anything of you. All our relatives will be at Aunt Peggy's wedding, people I haven't seen in years. I don't want them to think that I'm raising a slob." Josh thought to himself that he wasn't going to wear this stupid suit to the wedding, he would be dressed as a beautiful girl. "After you finish acting like a girl clown in Peggy's wedding ceremony, you'll have to change into this suit for the reception. I will not allow you to sit at the table with our family, looking like a foolish sissy." Josh tried on the suit, but his mother wasn't satisfied. She made him take off the jacket and his shirt, and try on his white shirt and tie, with the suit. The shirt was much too small. "Well, your arms are getting longer faster than your legs. I'll buy you a new shirt tomorrow." The next day, when Josh got home from school, there was a new shirt to try on. The sleeves were a bit too long. The collar was very stiff, and a bit too tight. The material was stiff. "That looks neat and crisp. Let's see if you can keep it clean for more than five minutes at the reception." Josh's mother him try on the whole suit, with the shirt and tie, again. It felt heavy, coarse and stiff. The pants were itchy. She made him stand still and then turn around. He felt like a store dummy. This felt so different from the beautiful white dress that floated around him like a cloud. The next two weeks passed slowly. Peggy and Jay were very busy with everything they had to do, to get ready for their wedding. Jay called on the Tuesday before the wedding. Sadie spoke to him. "Can we pick Josh up at 5:00 on Friday, for the wedding rehearsal?" "Is it really necessary" "Of course it is. It'll be fun too. We'll be having a light buffet after. You can come along, if you want." "Oh no, I don't want to see my son practicing to be a laughingstock. It will be bad enough sitting through it on Saturday." Josh thought the wedding rehearsal as great. When Jay picked him up, they went straight to Peggy's apartment. Peggy had his crinoline, dress, socks and shoes ready. Josh fairly flew into them. He was smiling from ear to ear. He didn't even loose his smile during the slightly uncomfortable process of having his hair braided and the fall pinned on. Peggy worked quickly but carefully on Josh's lips, eyes and fingernails. This time she used her hairdryer, a chrome thing that stood on one end of her vanity table, to dry Josh's bangs and nail polish. By 6:15 they were ready to leave for the church. Josh walked slowly down the hall of the apartment. He saw the pretty girl approaching in the mirror as he walked. He almost couldn't believe this was really happening. On the way to the church, Josh began to worry. He had never been inside a church before, and here he was going to be in a wedding, as a girl! "Aunt Peggy who else is going to be there tonight? Will there be anybody who knows me?" "I don't think so. But why do you ask?" "I'm afraid someone will recognize me as Josh, and make fun of me." "Sweetheart, I doubt your own mother would recognize you. And as for anyone making fun of you, you are far too pretty for that." "Are you sure?" "Everyone loves pretty little girls, and right now you are one of the prettiest" "Aunt Peggy, could you please call me `Dorothy'? Because I feel like I'm in a magic kingdom." At the church, Peggy introduced "Dorothy" as Jay's niece. Josh thought the two bridesmaids, Kathy and Christine, were very pretty. They were about as tall as Peggy and both had their hair in ponytails. They were both wearing simple dresses. Peggy asked them what kind of hairdos they were planning for Saturday. "Don't worry, we'll both have the barrel-curl updos we talked about. We have appointments for early Saturday morning." Kathy spoke to "Dorothy" "I can see why you wanted to wear your beautiful dress to the rehearsal. We came straight from work, so we wore our regular clothes." Josh thought how lucky they were to have pretty dresses as "regular clothes." "Thank you Kathy. I can't wait to see you, Christine and my new Aunt Peggy in your beautiful dresses." The rehearsal went perfectly. "Dorothy" scattered pieces of pink paper as she practiced walking down the aisle. If either of the two bridesmaids suspected that "Dorothy" wasn't all girl, it never showed. The two men who weren't in on the secret, Jay's best man Tom, and Reverend Walters, were completely fooled. Before they sat down to eat in the church lobby, Peggy put a white, lace trimmed kind of smock over Josh's shoulders, and tied the ribbons hanging from its sides. "This is called a `pinafore.' It will keep your dress clean while you eat. I used to wear them a lot when I was a little girl." Josh looked at the strange garment. "What a great idea." He thought. "Something to wear that is supposed to catch the little food splashes, instead of someone hollering at you about getting your shirt spattered." Peggy reminded everyone to be at the church by 1:30 on Saturday for the 2:00 ceremony. The reception would follow in the church social hall. Later, in the car, she told Josh that Jay would pick him up at 11:00. "We girls always need plenty of time to get ready." She said with a wink. Josh could barely sleep Friday night. His mother got him up early Saturday morning and told him to shower. She watched him comb his hair and then made him get dressed in his suit. "I don't know what kind of idiot you will look like at the wedding ceremony, but at least you'll leave here looking like a gentleman. Try not to mess up your suit too much between now and the reception" At 11:00 on the dot, Jay picked him up. He dropped Josh at Peggy's door. "It's supposed to be bad luck for the groom to see the bride on the morning before the wedding. I don't believe that stuff, but I'm playing along." Peggy was waiting for him. She was wearing a robe. Some kind of light, thin scarf was wrapped around her head. "Let's get you ready first.' The routine was familiar now. First the crinoline, then the dress, socks and shoes. Peggy quickly made the thin braid across the top of Josh's head. It seemed to happen faster, each time it was done. This time, Peggy let Josh watch the whole procedure in the mirror. For him the magic moment came as Peggy had him turn toward her, so she could pin the front of the fall into his braid. As she took her hands away from the top of his head to begin brushing out the fall, he saw Dorothy, not Josh, in the mirror. This time Peggy took a little more time with the makeup. She made sure the lipstick and the eyes were as perfect as she could get them. "Such beautiful eyes are almost wasted on a boy. I wish my lashes were so long." She quickly coated each of his nails with light pink polish. At 12:30, Mrs. Watson, who had been an old friend of Peggy's mother, arrived to help Peggy get ready. She was wearing a long yellow dress. Her gray hair was piled on top of her head in a mass of stiff looking curls and waves. Peggy greeted her at the door, and introduced her to "Dorothy." "Thank you for coming. This is my new niece, Dorothy. She's my flower girl" "Dorothy this is my friend, Mrs. Watson" "Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Watson.' "Pleased to meet you, Dorothy. That's a very pretty dress." "Thank you, Mrs. Watson." "Dorothy" waited in the kitchen while Mrs. Watson helped Peggy with her gown. Peggy did her own makeup. She unwrapped her hair and adjusted a curl or two. She came out of the bedroom for a drink of water. Josh almost couldn't believe his eyes. Peggy was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. From her perfect hair, to the layers of white that floated around her body, to the tall, thin heels of her white slippers, she looked like a dream. Soon it was time to leave for the church. The three beautifully dressed females entered the shiny black car that was waiting at the curb. Josh carried his boy clothes in a small piece of luggage Peggy had lent him. When Mrs. Watson asked what he was carrying, Peggy answered for him. "Oh, that's just a few things I forgot when we packed Jay's car for the honeymoon." A photographer was waiting at the church and took about 10 pictures of them in different groupings and poses. After all the practice, the ceremony went off without a hitch. Josh did as he had practiced, only this time with real rose petals. He walked proudly, using the "pretty girl" steps he had carefully rehearsed. He felt whole, and at ease. The church wasn't too crowded, and as they all walked in, he could hear whispers about the beautiful bride. Josh was happy that his wonderful new aunt was the center of attention. Josh's mother and father were sitting way at the end of the second row. His mother never smiled once during the entire ceremony. When the ceremony was over, the wedding party walked out slowly. In the garden in front of the church, the photographer was waiting to take more pictures. He took one of Peggy, Jay and "Dorothy," all standing together. Right after that picture was snapped, Josh's mother came over to him. "Where are your clothes? I want you to change right now." "Mom, please, can't I stay like this for the reception?" He had done it. He had asked her if he could stay dressed as a girl. He knew what she would say, but somehow he had to ask. It would be nice to be able to write that Josh's mother saw her son's need and responded with love, but that's not what happened. You see, it wasn't that she wished Josh to be neater, cleaner, more careful of his clothes. "Dorothy" was all that, and more. Sadie wanted someone, someone helpless, someone to bully, to deride, and to belittle. Some weeks later, Peggy and Jay came by for a visit. Peggy managed to get Josh alone in the kitchen for a minute, while everyone else was talking in the living room. She handed him an envelope. Inside was a picture from the wedding. It showed Jay, Peggy and "Dorothy" standing together in the church garden. On the back, Peggy had written a note. "Thank you, Dorothy, for the most beautiful gift any one has ever given me. Never give up your dream." Josh still has that picture, to this day. The End Caitlin Rose June 2000.