The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis 6 What s Wrong with This Picture
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The Many Loves Of Dobie Gillis 3: In God We Trust free porn video
Note: "Thalia Menninger" was played by Tuesday Weld.
The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis 3: In God We Trust
Created by Max Shulman
Produced by Rod Amateau [1959-63]
Parodied by Ron Dow75
Dobie Gillis, blond, crew cut, average early 1960s Working-
Middle Class Dobie Gillis was at his usual marble bench in the
park, bent over with his chin on his fist just like Rodin's
statue, "The Thinker", a copy of which was just behind him.
He looked up, "I've had a terrible shock. I found out my
best friend, the guy who flunked kindergarten to stay with me in
school, the guy who let the smaller boys beat him up if they
would leave me alone, the guy who swore on a stack of "Mad"
comics he would be my good buddy even if I did like girls, that
truest and most trusted of friends may be pregnant."
He rose to his feet, "How, you may well wonder, could such
a thing happen? If I tell you the name of my best friend, you may
have the beginning of an answer. Maynard G. Krebs is well known
for weird and unusual phenomena. But could even he be the first
pregnant, to use the term loosely, 'male'?"
"No. If it were that weird and unusual, then I would not
have to worry about my best buddy and chum. He and his child
would be celebrities, well recompensed by the media and
advertisers, (between his grueling rounds of interviews and
campaign appearances) and well-tended to by the medical and
scientific communities (between his grueling rounds of exams and
experimental tests). Other than being a prisoner, his free soul
would have been free of burdens we common and usual folk must
endure."
"No, what happened left so little evidence of its cosmic
intervention that, if I were not there when it happened, I myself
would not believe it! No body will be able to believe it!"
"Well... okay, one "no body" figured it out. But Zelda
Gilroy is hardly among us common and usual folk. Mentally and
physically, she belongs to a category by herself. (If only she
would remain there.)"
"No, the fact that my oldest and dearest friend is, as far
as this materialistic, seeing-is-believing, what's-on-the-
outside-is-what-it-is world is concerned, just one of its 1.5
billion women."
"Now, as a male, again I use the term loosely, Maynard
could hardly have been considered a success."
"As a female, May faces a role she is totally ill-prepared
for. The only reason she was ever interested in the gender was to
warn me, his oldest, but not always truest, friend. I, who would
forsake and abandon him for any pretty face that would smile back
at me, must have set a fine example for him of what girls should
be like... warm, and luscious, and creamy, and-""
Dobie shook it out of his head. "No! I cannot be missing
when she may need me the most. It is not just May, now who would
suffer. There must be a higher reason for this divine
intervention... Mustn't there?"
Dobie sank back down onto the bench to think some more.
"Say it isn't so, my pitiful example of why wealth conquers
all!" said the smaller, well-groom brunet teen in the tailored
blazer with the heraldic-like family crest emblazoned on it.
"Chatsworth!"
"My favorite court jester has actually managed to sire a
child upon some unfortunate?"
"Osborne!"
"And now you are forced to do the honorable thing, rather
than what a true man of breeding would do, and buy the waif off."
"Junior!"
"That's Mister Junior. To you."
"Chatsworth! The rumors are wrong!"
"Oh, what a relief!" the teen's higher cultured voice said,
putting a hand on his own chest. "I would not like my boorish toy
to get in the hands of any woman."
"Thanks, Chatsworth. I'll add you to the list of reasons
why I've never had any luck with girls."
"Mind you, not that I won't find ways to tempt you, Mr.
Gillis. What fun it is to have you come to the brink of success,
only to see you fall on your face!"
"Tempt me..." Dobie said, sounding interested, but, "...No,
I have to think of May."
"Uh, Ha! You do have a girl! And you are pondering whether
to tie yourself down supporting another's brat."
"Speaking of brats-"
"Uh, Uh, Mr. Gillis: The old-moneyed, fabulously wealthy
are never brats. We're knaves, and rogues, and self-centered
egoists looking out only for the all-mighty number one."
"...But 'never brats'."
"There you go," Chatsworth grinned, sitting down on the
bench so close that Dobie had to make room. "Now, how may I help
my client?"
"Client, Chatsworth!?!" Dobie couldn't believe his ears.
"I assure you I use the term as the ancient Roman patrician
would. In the time of the Great Empire-"
"Which the Osbornes were a part of, of course," Dobie tried
being sarcastic.
"Who do you think financed the campaigns of Caesar?"
Chatsworth smiled; whether he was serious or not, Dobie couldn't
tell. "The Romans measured a man's status by the number of
clients he had... Status being linked to wealth in those days of
antique glory."
"A loan shark!"
"Please, Mr. Gillis, such an vulgar term."
"But that's what you want-you want me to get in so much
debt to you I'll never be able to pull myself out of my miserable
position in life!"
"Not just money, my simple-plot minded friend. A patron
bestows other valuables."
"And those valuables would be..."
"Whatever will complicate your life the most. For example,
what would you say, if I told you that I have set up a trust for
you, Dobie Gillis? All it takes is for me to activate it."
"I would say you're beginning to sound like a loan shark."
"Nothing of the sort. You would owe me nothing."
"But..."
"But I get to set the terms of the trust. Namely, that you
marry while you are still of the age that you need your parents
permission, and that the person you marry be of somebody I
approve of."
"I need both my parents, and your permission to marry!?"
"Devilish, isn't it?" Chatsworth grinned from ear to ear.
"But you'd never approve of me marrying any girl!"
"Au contraire, Mr. Gillis. All the girl would have to do
was meet my simple criterion."
"Namely, if she would make my life more complicated than it
already is."
"And this girl you've been contemplating?"
Dobie nodded, "...Would make my life more complicated than
it already is."
===
"Show me the trust in writing, and I'll show you my
permission in writing," Herbert T. Gillis said, hauling out a
large burlap sack of potatoes.
"Dad! Surely marriage is more than about material concerns!
What about love and romance, and that warm contentment her mere
presence brings into your miserable life?"
"Ohw-oh!" Dobie's dad said, letting the sack drop from his
back to land in front of produce. "You want a miserable life? Try
marrying for love, like I did."
"Herbert!" Winnifred said from near the checkout counter.
He straightened up. "And a wonderful life it is, Winnie!"
the man tried to make the save. "But let's face it, our son is a
bum!"
"He is not, Herb."
"He's a bum!" He said, taking out, and putting potatoes on
display, gesturing with many of them. "He hates work, but he's
too stupid to earn money without using his back. And he'll lose
that job, because his head is always in the clouds. And what is
he thinking of? A new invention? Something creative? No: Girls!
He can't keep his mind on anything else!"
"His only chance is for him to go into the family business.
But does that mean I'll get to retire, and spend my golden years
nursing my aching back!? No! I'll have to remain in the store,
making sure my no-account son doesn't bankrupt us! And on what!?
Girls!"
"Speaking of girls, where's May?" Dobie asked.
"Oh, she ran by here a couple of minutes ago," his dad
said, thumbing over his shoulder at the door to the upstairs'
living area.
"I haven't heard her yell at the word "girls", so she must
not have heard us," he started walking in that direction.
"Poor girl...," Dobie's mom said, thinking on it, now. "For
most, it happens in the morning. I hope there's nothing wrong."
"I'm sure there's nothing wrong," Dobie assured her. "May
has a phobia about using ladies' room."
"Poor girl."
"A 'poor girl', that describes May, alright."
"If the ladies' rooms are anything like the men's rooms,
I'd be a little afraid myself."
"Herb."
"Now, listen son-"
"Uh, oh, you called me son," Dobie stopped.
"Dobie! Listen to your dear old dad for once! If you really
have a chance to get all that loot, take it! I mean, what other
chance do you have to be any kind of success? None! The only way
a bum like you can live the life you want is for you to marry a
woman who'll support you --AND not mind you thinking about girls
all day long! What kind of self-respecting woman would do that?"
The door rang. "Dobie, my chance at financial security!"
"Thalia!" Dobie smiled, turning to see the most cute and
beautiful girl of all the cute, and beautiful girls he'd ever
met. The blonde with the latest short hairdo, tight jade green
sweater and cream-green skirt and dollar green shoes.
Herbert T. Gillis threw up his hands, "Why do I think I can
say anything without somebody thinking it's an entrance cue!"
"What is that man talking about?" Thalia asked in a voice
that sounded as fresh-off-the-tree apple sweet and delicious as
she looked.
"Never mind him, Thalia, My Lovely. I take it you've heard
the rumors, as well."
"About your trust fund? I sure have," she smiled lustfully,
getting close enough to play with his shirt buttons.
(An elderly woman came into the store, and Winnifred Gillis
went to her.)
"Did you also hear what I have to do to get that money?"
"All you have to do... " she said with a breathy, inviting
laugh; she then walked her fingers up his chest, "...is marry."
"And who am I suppose to marry?"
"Why me, silly," she giggled at the ridiculous question.
"You know you've always had a thing for me. I am your ideal
woman; I'm soft, and luscious, and creamy, and all together the
one girl you most dream of as you lie awake in your lonely bed."
"Eh, true. Unfortunately: True."
"And you, you are, for some strange reason that mystifies
me, the one boy I am attracted to on the strictly physical, and
raw animal instinctual level."
"But you could never bring yourself to marry me, without
the money."
"Of course not. It's not for me, you understand."
"Of course not.
"It's for my impecunious family. My father hurt his back,
and cannot work; my mother must work, doing the most menial of
chores; my brother is a hopeless drunk; my little sister needs
braces..."
"...And your grandmother needs a new kidney.
"You are a noble soul to sacrifice your own happiness to
marry for money, Thalia Menninger."
"I know. But now I can have both," she smiled up at him, as
she held herself to him.
"Oh, I wish that were true, My Loveliest of Lovelies. But
it is not you that I would have to marry."
"That is alright, My Candyland."
"'Candyland'!?"
"Once you marry this other woman, and receive your trust
money, you simply sign over to me the power of attorney. Under my
business acumen, that nest egg will develop into a vast fortune
so large that it would satisfy even my greedy heart."
"And what do I get out of this, besides 'a vast fortune',
Thalia?"
"Why me, of course! When I have secured a future for us,
you can annul that marriage of convenience, and marry me."
"'Annul'?"
"You don't expect me turn over half of all that money I
would have worked so hard to bring you, do you, Dobie, My
Innocent in the Ways of Protecting Assets. This is a community
property state."
"But to annul a marriage, doesn't that mean you don't-"
"Now, listen here, Missy," Dobie's dad interrupted, having
finished his work over at produce, and walking over. "I've been
standing by, while you've been trying to wrap my stupid son
around your little finger. Mind you, if I were a younger man, I,
too would let you try to get your own way: Just to see how far
you would go-"
"Herbert!"
"(Now, Mrs. Greenblatt leaves)," said Herbert under his
breath as he raised his eyes to the ceiling. "But of course, that
would have been before I met you, Winnie. After I met you, there
was no other woman for me."
"Smooth save, dad."
"But the point is, Missy, for all your calculating ways,
you've missed one obstacle that hormones cannot overcome. Namely,
me!"
"You, Dad?"
"Me, Son." Herbert T. Gillis moved behind the counter. "The
trust fund, if it truly exists, requires that Dobie be of an age
where he needs his parents' consent to marry. Which means that he
is too young to sign any contract, most especially any power of
attorney!"
Thalia smiled, and gave a brief, delicious chuckle through
her nose, "All that is required in either case is for one parent
to give their consent."
"Mom?" Dobie appealed.
"No, Dobie," Winnifred said, standing on the other side of
the counter.
"There, see, Missy!"
Thalia still smiled. "I love a challenge. When it comes to
oodles and oodles of lovely money, I am sure to find a way."
"Sorry, Thalia."
"That is quite all right, Dobie, Still My Prime Opportunity
for Assets. First marry this other woman, come into the trust,
and then..." she started running her hand over his chest,
"...we'll overcome the other problems. Together."
"Dobie will be marrying no one," his mom said.
"What?!" Thalia said.
"What!?" Herbert said.
"Yes, what!?!"
"I will not permit my boy to marry for anything less than
pure and noble thoughts and sentiments, be they love, or...
otherwise. I must think of my son's happiness first. I am, after
all, a mother."
"You , Mr. Gillis, will, of course, sign the consent to
marry decree, for the sake of all that money you would then
become related to," Thalia said, certain she had judged just how
much money meant to the man.
"As I told Dobie, show me the trust in writing, and I'll
show you my permission in writing."
"My son wouldn't go against the wishes of his mother."
"I wouldn't?"
"You rang?"
"May!" Dobie saw her enter from the back.
"Is this the other woman?" Thalia asked.
"You can't get more 'other' than me!" May said.
"May, how much did you hear?" Dobie asked.
"What trust fund?"
"That much, hunh?"
"Chatsworth Osborne, Jr., the richest boy in these and
nearly any other parts, has established a trust fund that dear,
wholesale Dobie will acquire once he is married."
"So that's why all that marriage talk. Oh, poor Dobe. I
knew you wanted a girl, but to actually go and marry one!" She
started moving away from them all.
"May-"
"And for what!? The Root of All Evil..."
"What is she talking about?" Thalia asked.
"...Gog and Magog! Novus ordo seclorum."
"The girl is a foreigner!" Herbert T. Gillis said.
"...Filthy lucre, obscene profits..."
"I think she makes perfect sense," Winnifred P. Gillis
said.
"...Dirty money-" She was now near the turning comics rack,
near the door.
"May! I was thinking of marrying you!" Dobie said, taking a
step towards her.
"Me!?! Oh, no! No, unh, Unh, it's not going to happen. No
one's making me a groom!"
"-That's Bride!"
"No son of mine is going to live with a girl without the
sanctity of marriage," his mom said. Dobie was pulled in that
direction.
"Dobie, you have to get married first!" his dad said, now
pulled in that direction.
"With a trust fund at stake, I'll say he does," Thalia
said. Dobie's head spun.
Dobie's head fell onto his hands, his elbows onto the
checkout countertop. "How could my life get any more
complicated?"
"You chimed!"
"Chatsworth!" Dobie said, rising up.
"Osborne!" Mr. Gillis said.
"Oo, Chatsworth!" Thalia nearly swooned.
"Hello, Chatsworth," Mrs. Gillis said with cold politeness.
"What are you doing here?!" Dobie asked. "You never go to
any but the most fanciest places."
"And miss out on all the fun?" the slighter boy grinned as
he sauntered over to the group.
"And how did you know about 'all the fun'?" Dobie asked,
suspicious.
Chatsworth gave a superior chuckle, "Normally, it would be
enough to bask in the general acknowledgment that all of your
earnest efforts for romance, and the nobler aspirations in life,
come to naught."
"'Normally'," Dobie repeated. "But not now."
"When it comes to matters of money, even the petty cash of
a few hundreds of thousands of dollars..." (Thalia squealed, and
bounced on her weak knees.) "...Mumsie insists there be
investigations."
"You have detectives following me!?!"
"Do not flatter yourself too much, Mr. Gillis. They are
part of our retainers. They regularly report back to Mumsie on me
and those I associate with."
"Your mother knows what you're doing?!"
"Mrs. Chatsworth Osborne, Sr. does not let one kopek slip
through her fingers without knowing where it goes," Herbert T.
Gillis told his na?ve son. "No offense, Osborne."
"None taken. It is quite true that Mumsie's supervisory
skills are known far and wide. Her controlling predilections are
most in evidence when it comes to members of her family, or clan,
to use the anthropologically correct term."
"Why would she allow you to, from her point of view, I'm
sure, 'waste her money'?" Dobie asked
"I could go into a long, detailed history of King Edward
VII of the British Empire (and his (hm, hm!) friends), but I
shall save that for another time. Let us just say, for the time
being, that as her 'legal' successor, she is allowing me practice
my 'people skills'."
"Hold it right there, Osborne!" Dobie's dad interrupted.
"What is it about my boy that has you singling him out!"
"Yes, Chatsworth, why me?!"
"That is quiet obvious," Thalia said, still smiling for
Chatsworth. "Take away Chatsworth's money, his breeding, and
total lack of moral character, and you have Dobie! No offense,
Chatsworth."
"None taken. You are quite right. Mr. Gillis has come to
represent my Doppel-ganger, the mirror image of what I am not.
And as one looks in a mirror to make oneself look better, so,
too, Mr. Gillis's attempts to find meaning in his pitiful, futile
existence makes my ignoble life much more worthwhile."
"Whoo-boy!" Herbert T. Gillis said, his arm draped over the
cash register. "The woods are full of them. And what is it about
Dobie that attracts all of them?"
"Don't listen to them, Dobie," his mom told him, coming
towards him. "You're a kind and decent boy who tries to do the
right thing. Any mother would be pleased to have you for a son."
"I think that's the idea, Mom."
"Ah, ha!" Chatsworth said, approaching the woman. "I knew
there had to be someone responsible for trying to instill a
better nature in our young Casanova."
"It's true!" Thalia told him. "Between her and that Maynard
G. Krebs entity, Dobie hasn't a chance of developing the
conniving, back-stabbing character one needs to get ahead in this
'In God We Trust'-forsaken world."
"Thalia, you leave May-yy...!" Dobie's eyes widened, as he
realized, "Where's May!?! She's not here!"
"May?" Chatsworth asked. "Is that the name of the gamin who
must win the approval of five judges before she can claim her
prize?"
"Yes, that's the one I'm ?'Five judges'?!"
"I assume she is as underage as you, her unintentional
husband, Mr. Gillis."
"But you only need one parent's signature to marry!"
"And how much less complicated would that make things for
you, My Corruptible Friend?"
"You mean I have to get both my parents consent to marry?!"
"Of course!" Chatsworth laughed. "Why don't we take a poll.
Mr. Gillis's father, will you give him your permission to marry
this May person?"
"If, as you claim, it brings 100's of thousands of dollars
with it, I'd have to be a fool not to!"
"And you, Mr. Gillis's mother?"
"I will not have my son marry for crass commercial
reasons."
"But if there were no money involved?"
"Then I will gladly give my blessing."
"And I will refuse!" Herbert T. Gillis stated. "It is
enough I have to support one bum in this family!"
"As long as there is money involved, I shall be there for
you, Dobie!" Thalia promised him. "I shall use every sneaky,
underhanded, and devious method imaginable to get that other
woman to speak those magic words, "I do"!"
Dobie's heart sank. "And Zelda will use every sneaky,
underhanded, and devious method imaginable to see that May
doesn't."
"See, Mr. Gillis? And you thought your life couldn't get
any more complicated."
Dobie head and elbows fell back down, "And with my luck, it
can only get more complicated."
Mara
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