The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis 7 What s in a Name
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The Many Loves Of Dobie Gillis 5: The Name On The Title To The Claim free porn video
[To repeat: The body of "Maynard G. Krebs" was played by Bob
Denver, AKA "Gilligan"; while all of "Milton Armitage III" was
played by Warren Beatty.]
The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis 5: The Name on the Title to the Claim
By Ron Dow75
Dobie Gillis, blond, crew cut, average early 1960 Working-Middle
Class Dobie Gillis was at his usual marble bench in the park,
bent over with his chin on his fist just like Rodin's statue,
"The Thinker", a copy of which was just behind him.
He grasped the edge of the bench, "Life is unfair! Here I am, a
healthy, wholesome, All-American-type boy, who only asks for one
thing in life." He released his grip to concede a point,
"...Well, two, if you count having a decent income without really
having to really work for it." Having conceded, he asserted,
"Decent! That's all I ask!
"...That, and the one thing I started talking about: A girl. One
girl I can call my own. Just one girl! I don't need a harem. (How
could I afford more than one girl with a merely decent income?) I
can live with one girl, until death do us part... Just as long as
she's warm and creamy, and altogether...
"Er, where was I? Oh, yes: Life is unfair! Here I am a typical
example of the 1960 American teenage boy. I am not really ugly; I
am not really poor; I am not really unfashionable; I am not
really coarse, inconsiderate, loutish, nor a long list of other
adjectives. I am an average, maybe even normal, boy.
He leaned forward on the bench. "So who gets all the girls?"
"A girl! How is that for life not being fair?!" he shook his
head, and stood up. "To be fair (that's the problem with us All-
American types), the girl is no longer a girl. It is not like the
girls have foresworn us pathetic males in favor of an exponent of
feminine love. They have not been seduced by "a love that dare
not speak its name" (No, wait, I don't think that applies to
women).
"...Perhaps if she were still a girl, then my wounded male pride
would be salved, and my sense of injustice would be less pained.
For, you see, this female Svengali inhabits what laughingly used
to be called the body of Maynard G. Krebs. Those same girls that
used to laugh at that scrawny, scruffy body to keep from having
less pleasant reactions are now the same ones who can't wait to
get their hands on it.
"While, I, on the other hand, have a body that any girl could
love. -Any girl!"
His attention was distracted by the melodious gaggling sound of a
group of girls coming down the park path ahead.
And rising from the center of them was a familiar form.
"Maynard! Hey, Maynard! Maynard G. Krebs, it's me! Your 'bestest
friend and good buddy'!" Dobie tried to get the attention of the
rather goofy-looking, scrawny, but now clean-shaven, and well-
dressed teen surrounded by half a dozen girls. Most of them were
talking.
Whether on purpose, or because there were so many girls around
him, Dobie was ignored. But he did not let that stop him from
catching up with them, and trying to place himself among the
throng of females. 'Trying' turned out to be the operative word,
because they wouldn't let him intrude, or even introduce himself
among their number. But would Dobie let that stop him?
"Maynard!! Maynard, we have to talk!! Honest!! It's important,
Maynard!!"
"Maynard?" asked a particularly luscious redhead on the outer
fringe, "Who's this Maynard?" This brought answers from others of
the bevy:
"I knew a Maynard, once."
"Yeah, the weirdo beatnik!"
"That's Dobie Gillis: He hangs out with that kook."
"Don't have anything to do with him or Maynard, Gaspar."
"Gaspar!??" Dobie was stopped in his tracks. As he stood there,
the tide of females took what once was Maynard with them.
"Don't worry, girls. I've never met any boy named Maynard, and, I
pray to the bodhisattvas I never do."
Meanwhile, there was one girl who wasn't ignoring him, "Dobie!
Dobie-kins!" Unfortunately.
"Hello, Zelda," he said without looking at her.
Even without looking he could see her image was set in the back
of his retinas by an acid wash: The short, thick ponytail
brunette with the pushed-in nose said, "I have made inquires as
to why girls prefer the supplant-Maynard to the former Maynard G.
Krebs."
"I found that out without getting to talk with any girls, Zelda!"
Dobie told her turning to her with the thought that the sight of
her would be less painful. He was wrong. "Maynard isn't Maynard
any more!"
"Which alone would have been enough of an improvement to merit
giving him a second look. No offense to his 'bestest friend and
good buddy'."
"You don't have to be ungrammatical; she's not around," he
informed her. "But you're right. Unlike this girl in Maynard's
clothing, the former Maynard G. Krebs had an intense phobia about
girls."
"A genuine psychological condition, if the case records of the
numerous psychologists he has been taken to can be believed."
"Zelda!" Dobie cried, shocked.
"No, Dobie-kins, I am still the basically honest and honorable
Zelda Gilroy you spurn and shun. I obtained said records from
Maynard's parents."
"His parents let you, uh, see them?" Dobie knew how they did not
like to acknowledge they were related to him.
"If you were Maynard's parents, and a genius offered her help to
get your only child off the beat path, what would you do?"
Dobie Gillis nodded, "I would give you free access to anything
that might aid you in your impossible quest."
"Do you have any idea how many psychological notes there are on
Maynard G. Krebs?"
"When I think of impossible quests, I think of mountains."
"Right. All written with nearly illegible penmanship."
"Zelda. Are you trying to get me to believe you read that much
unintelligible faux-science in one short afternoon?"
"I'm a genius."
"You're not that much of a genius!"
"I also have a photographic memory. I don't have to understand
everything when I read it."
"Life is unfair."
"From what I have gleaned, and am still studying even as we
speak..."
"Don't rub it in!" Dobie said, looking away, and walking away.
She, of course, followed, "...Maynard's gynophobia-"
"'Gynophobia'? You mean, when there's just a guy, no phobia."
"Are you going to let me inform you, or are you going to
interrupt with inane jokes?"
"I wasn't joking!" Dobie said. "It's something you tried to teach
me: It was a mnemonic. You know; rephrase something unfamiliar
into something more familiar."
"There are better mnemonic techniques. So, why, after all of my
failed attempts to train you in the use of the academic tools,
did you have to apply yourself now?"
"It was my inane attempt to avoid having you inform me about
something, again. For once, I'd like to be able to inform you."
"Oh, my poor, dear Dobie-kins, you inform me all the time."
Dobie stopped, and actually looked at her, "I do?"
"As a student of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, you speak volumes to me
with every action you make."
Put in his place, Dobie was moving again, "Gee; thanks, Zelda."
"Picking up the thread of our conversation on our lost or missing
subject..."
"You mean the former Maynard, now May. If she is anything like he
was, she'll turn up when you least expect her."
"I shall ignore pointing out the difference between a missing boy
and a missing girl to continue talking about gynophobia."
"Specifically Maynard G. Krebs' girlphobia; now May Nardgee's
girlphobia. (Can a girl be afraid of her own gender?)"
"(Yes!) Now can we get to the heart of the problem?! This has
taken far too long!"
"Not long enough. I have a sinking feeling that as soon as we
mention what that problem is, we're just going to be interrupted
by somebody worse than you."
"What do you mean, "worse than me"?!" Zelda demanded, thinking it
had to be an insult.
"I just mean, Zelda, that if you take away your inferior looks
and your superior brain, you wouldn't be so bad to be around."
"Dobie-kins!" Zelda said, almost smiling (but, also, still
frowning), "that's among the twenty nicest things you've said to
me." Then she lost the trace of the smile, "And that goes all the
way back to kindergarten."
"I've given you twenty compliments?" Dobie's pace slowed as he
thought if he had. He didn't seem to want to insult her, though.
That insulted her.
"Finally saying what I had started saying: the former Maynard G.
Krebs' gynophobia can be traced to his well-known knack for weird
and unusual phenomena. That is why girls react different to him
when he is no longer 'Maynard'."
"You mean that since that isn't Maynard inside Maynard, but a
girl who exchanged bodies with-"
"I'm talking about his name!" Zelda nearly cried in frustration.
A resonant, very male voice could be heard intoning, "A name! A
name! What is there in a name? A rose by any other name..."
"You're being interrupted," Dobie told Zelda.
"You're interrupting, he isn't!"
"I'm afraid this is the somebody worse than you, Zelda," said
Dobie, looking at a nearby gazebo.
"You: Dobkins!" the handsomest man in the Tri-State Area, and
Beyond, beckoned him as he stepped down from the small stage.
"That's 'Dobie', Milton!!" Dobie told the boy his age dressed in
oxfords, creased gray slacks, blue blazer (with a large family
crest), silk shirt (always monogrammed) and ascot.
He approached them in his long, graceful strides: "But doesn't
this fair creature call you Dobkins?" Milton Armitage III said,
smiling as he nodded to the "creature".
"I call him Dobie-kins!" Zelda told him, uncharmed. "And that's
my pet name for him; only I'm allowed to call him that."
"There! You see?!" Milton stopped to gesture. "There is something
in a name! Why do the poets tell us that which isn't true?!" he
said with such good acting skills that he got away with the hammy
gestures.
"You listen to poets?" Dobie asked, tempted to add "too".
"I read the works of poets," the boy with the bedroom eyes said
as if the other male had challenged him. "I do not listen to
them, per se. That is for others to do."
"You mean girls," Dobie said.
"Naturally. When one cultivates the flowers within the Garden of
Delight, one should employ only the best artisans to break the
soil and prepare the bed ahead of one's self."
Zelda spoke up, "It is your 'planting the seed' that is
responsible for this divergence from the rightful trajectory of
things, Milton."
The bedroom-eyed Milton gave her a sly, boyish smile, "And which
planting would that be? I have done so much gardening. And,
please, call me Armitage, My Dear."
"Milton!" Zelda made a point of saying, "How can you maintain a
'Garden of Delight' when you've toss away all of the flowers
after you've plucked them?"
"Zelda!" Dobie interjected. "You don't say a word like 'plucked'
right after talking about poetry!"
"The name is Armitage," Milton insisted, grinning even harder.
"And the 'Delight' is in the gardening, itself. The flowers,
themselves, are annuals, destined to have a brief, but glorious,
life, in any event."
"Milton!" Dobie cried. "That's no way to talk about flowers... I
mean, girls!"
"The name is Armitage," he said through his big pearly white
smile. "And it is through my tending to their tender petals that
they have their time in the sun. Memories they can take with them
as shadows of reality creep upon them with the aging day."
"It is times like this I am glad I live in the shadows of pretty
and giddy girls," Zelda said. "Milton-"
"Armitage! Armitage!" he raised his volume as his fa?ade began to
break. "My name, is, Armitage."
Dobie raised his hands: "'Armitage'!" he assured him. "But why
let it bother you, now? You've always been 'Milton'!"
"Because, before, I was 'Milton Armitage, the Third'," he said.
"Numbered like all who ascend a throne. I was king of my domain,
monarch of all who surveyed me."
"And now?"
"And now, he's been usurped," Zelda said.
"Usurped?"
Milton Armitage III explained the painful truth, "There can only
be one king. That is why we are called 'monarchs'. By divine
providence, my royal epithet was 'Mr. Perfect', and by divine
will, my nom de amour has been taken away from me."
"I still don't get it," Dobie said.
"It is that beatnik friend of yours!" Milton Armitage III
accused. "If he had remained a scrawny, scruffy 'Maynard', I
would still rule the thinking of the females about me!"
"Oh!" Dobie thought he understood, now. "'Maynard' is no longer
really Maynard!"
"'Maynard' is now Gaspar," Zelda said, knowing the only love of
her life only too well. "Or, rather, Maynard was always a Gaspar;
that is what the "G." of Maynard G. Krebs stands for."
"Would that he had never discovered the power in a name," Milton
Armitage III bemoaned. "The ancients knew it well, and put it's
potential on par with glamour!"
"That's 'grammar', as in, what goes with 'spelling' and
charming?" Zelda corrected the handsome boy who belied her words
with his own glamour.
"The French have a different version; and who knows more about
the power of style, than they?"
"We will not get into the corruption of 'grammar' so that I can,
at last, come to the conclusion I have reached about the former
Maynard Gaspar Krebs, and his gynophobia."
"His former gynophobia!" Milton Armitage III corrected with a
raise of his manicured finger.
"Due to certain traumatic, phobia-engendering incidents that
occurred to him whenever people found out his name was Gaspar, he
forswore that name for one that had the completely opposite
effect upon others."
Dobie nodded, "Namely, the name Maynard."
"Correct, my once and future husband-to-be. But the supplant-
Maynard, now Gaspar, has, as yet, no such phobia."
"'Gaspar'?? You mean just because he's calling himself Gaspar,
now, he's taking girls away from 'Mr. Perfect'!?!"
"Would that I were 'Mr. Perfect' again!" lamented the most
perfect example of male of his species that Dobie had ever had
the misfortune to meet. "But I am now the Emperor Without His
Clothes. All that it took was for somebody to point out my one
flaw. A man with a flaw can no longer be a 'Mr. Perfect'!"
"And that, er, "one" flaw is your name? Milton!?!" Dobie asked
for confirmation that he understood a logic that, before, he
might've thought only Maynard, now May, was capable of.
"See?!" Milton Armitage III gestured towards Dobie, while looking
at Zelda, "Even commoners understand! In the Tale of the Emperor,
it was the rabble that brought down the mighty. There, too, the
upheaval in the ordained nature of the world was started by a
child-like mind!"
"'Child-like mind'," Dobie nodded. "We must be talking about
Maynard."
"We're talking about Gaspar," Zelda tried to enlighten the low-
watt bulb. "He is still thought of as the sweet na?f that,
hopefully, the former Maynard G. Krebs still is, because none but
us four know the truth, as yet."
"Ah, ha!" Milton Armitage III interjected. "The simpleton has
come to his senses, and is no longer the 'sweet na?f'! It was a
deliberate tactic by the Knave of Hearts to overthrow the King!"
Zelda looked at the 'Red King', and decided on her response,
"Come on, Dobie. We don't have to stay and listen to somebody who
doesn't listen."
Dobie followed, looking at the second richest boy in these--and
nearly every other--parts. "Just like a king."
"But a king no more. Would a king allow personages of lesser
station leave his presence without his permission?!" the former
'Mr. Perfect' said in all seriousness.
Dobie turned away, still confused. "How did we go from gardening
to royalty? I think I understand the part about names."
"Milton did not think of himself as a gardener," Zelda told
Dobie. "He let others do most of the horticulture. He was a
gardener only because, in his view, he owned the royal estate.
There would be have been no garden without his assent."
"He thinks he owns all of the, uh, 'flowers'?!" Dobie nearly
cried, thinking were that would put him if Armitage did.
"That is the thinking behind Sumptuary Laws. Those that have the
power think they have more right to the best than those of lesser
persuasion. Throughout history, there have been rules, some even
written into law, about who could own what and when. It is all
too apparent that Milton Armitage III believes in the Right of
the Lord of the Manor."
"The rich and mannered have a right we 99% don't have?"
"The 'rich and mannered', as you characterize them, have always
had more rights than those who must satisfy an employer and be
mindful of our fellow workers and neighbors. The right I refer
to, though, is that the Lord of the Manor, or more accurately,
the Estate, has first claim over anything he wishes. And Milton
Armitage III's estate is this town... At the least."
"He can't do that!" Dobie protested. "He can't have anything and
everything he wants!"
"He can if he can buy it. To quote a moral to an Aesop-esque
fable, 'Everybody has their price'."
"Not everybody!"
Zelda raised an eyebrow, and looked at him askance, "This from
somebody who is ready to marry another boy for money."
"Stop making it sound worse than it really is! May is no longer a
boy! She's a warm and luscious, very creamy girl! And it's not
like I'm considering marrying an utter stranger. May has been my
life-long childhood best friend and good buddy. If I marry her-
And the word is if: I have not agreed to anything, yet- it would
be because the one who threw himself in front of teachers for me
is in trouble herself."
"And the hundreds of thousands of dollars have nothing to do with
it?"
"Do you know how much it costs to raise a child, nowadays?!"
"To the penny, and adjusted for inflation. But that is
ameliorated over the life of the childhood," Zelda said, not
believing his sincerity.
"I don't want it to be ameliorated! Where would my decent income
go, then?! Let all of the money be guaranteed to go, up-front, to
the kid. Then everything else I could make would go to me."
"Then you have the standard three wishes, not two. Besides being
wish number one, where in your other two wishes would May come?"
"May?" Dobie slowed down to think about it. "That would depend.
As a mother she would naturally get a share of the kid's money.
As a wife, she would get a share of my money. And if a wife's
anything like a date, it would be most of my money. She would get
it from both sides of her family. While, I, on the other hand,
would have only what the majority shareholder allows me."
"Not even married, yet, and you resent May."
"Resent May!?!" Dobie sounded offended. "I could never resent the
one who pretended he was me so I wouldn't have to get stuck with
a needle on 'Blood Drive' days."
"No wonder the former Maynard G. Krebs is so lightheaded, giving
blood twice."
"Er, three times. There was this bully who was picking on me-"
"If you will not consider being resentful of May, consider
resenting her child."
"Resenting a poor (but possibly financially-secure), and innocent
child!?!" wholesome, All-American Dobie Gillis was shocked that
anybody would even suggest such a thing.
"The reason perhaps you should is the point I was trying to make
earlier: Among the items the Lord of the Estate claims is the
right to the honeymoon."
"He tries to take away a man's honeymoon!?!!" Dobie cried.
"Milton Armitage III, the lord of this estate, already has,"
Zelda informed him.
+++
They were just at the entrance to the park, heading along the
short walk to the crosswalk, when Zelda noticed that Dobie was
tarrying. "Don't torture yourself; Gaspar was never Maynard."
"But 'Gaspar' was never Gaspar before, either!" He watched a
scrawny, but no longer scruffy figure appear and disappear among
the leaves the intervening bushes and trees. He was still
surrounded by a bevy of beauties acting like a gaggle of girls.
If anything, he had added to his fantasy of females. "How could
he so easily go from being a girl to a Gaspar?!"
Zelda judged how long it would take for the convoy to arrive, "He
is not a Gaspar, yet. Some people never become their names. But
as a Gaspar, rather than a Maynard, he has ready access to his
once fellow females.
"However, I believe, as a girl, she did not care that much about
their opinions, nor required their company. If she had been more
(to use a term of statistical myth) normal, she would not have
become a beatnik, nor allowed herself to become pregnant. There
is another motivation for him wanting to be a Gaspar. A very
feminine one: Revenge."
"Revenge?!" Dobie almost made the mistake of adding, "Maynard!?!"
because of the force of association, of face to personality.
"As a Gaspar, he has something a Milton can never have."
"Milton's always had girls! I first started noticing girls back
in kindergarten, because the girls were noticing him!"
"Unh, unh," Zelda corrected. "'Armitage III' had the girls. The
only reason Milton had any luck with the girls was because he's
never had to compete before."
"But now he does?"
"And he has to compete on Gaspar's terms. Which is: Given names."
"You make it sound like a duel!" Dobie said, hoping that things
like that remain in history and fiction.
"It is. And the weapons are girls. The victor will decided not by
numbers, but by quality. Only the girl who is the most desirable
will do. Only by having some body the other one wants, but cannot
have, will the contest be decided."
Dobie nodded, seeing that Gaspar and his entourage was now coming
within hearing distance, "Something tells me the most desirable
girl is going to be May. I'd better find her before they do."
"No, stay!" Zelda said, grabbing one of his arms. "Unlike you, I
want Gaspar to nominate his former body as the most desirable."
And she made her voice louder, "Just think of all the favors a
girl deemed the most desirable by the experts would get!"
Gaspar stopped. His look straight at Zelda told her than he'd
heard, and understood her.
He raised his hands to quiet the girls all around him, "Ladies!
Ladies! I have an important announcement to make. I have decided
who will be my first girlfriend."
A hush settled over the assembly, and eager eyes looked up to the
man who could decide their course of their lives with his next
words. "The decision was difficult. You all deserve to be the
first. But since there can only be one first, I must chose the
one that can best represent all of you."
Some got weak in the knees, and more than one thought she would
swoon at his diplomatic words. So very unlike the typical boy!
"The first one in my heart, and, if you want and desire to
respect me, yours, too, is...
"Zelda Gilroy!"
The End of this chapter
For those who don't understand: M. Gaspar Krebs had not
particularly enjoyed being a girl, for reasons that will become
apparent. She blamed males for that, but she preferred their
company to the females around her. (And those females not
normally around her shunned her.) She had hated herself for
allowing herself to fall into the trap and become pregnant. Her
"suicide" plan had been progressive: Injure herself enough, and
she would have a miscarriage; that is why she started from on top
of a statue.
Now that she had her chance, she was going to do to the epitome
of all that was male, i.e., Milton Armitage III, what he was
willing to let happen to her former self, and all other females
who let him cast his spell on them. (Besides, (a) it was a
psychological adjustment mechanism (How would you cope with
living inside Gilligan's (sic) body?) And (b) even Maynard's body
had more testosterone than she was used to dealing with. At least
from within.)
Now, this is science fiction, not magic. But since mind
transference (and other mind "phenomena") is involved, a quite a
lot of primal psychology is coming to the surface.
The power of names is well know, psychologically, at least. Just
think how much effort parents, authors, and agents give to
finding the "right" names; just think of the kids at school with
the "wrong" names. But more than that, many cultures gave people
two names: One for public use, and one to be kept secret, lest
your enemies use it to cast spells on you. (Like the use of hair,
fingernails, blood, etc. in voodoo, only far more potent.
"Occult" originally meant "conceal"; "arcane", "secret".)
Besides, this is a parody of "The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis",
and, yes, things like this really did happen in the show. And
just like with Archie Comic's Jughead's "Farquhar", girls, women,
and mothers, and nuns would forget that he was the resident kook,
and go gaga over him. (I remember one incident where a recurring,
and otherwise beautiful and professional teacher tried to vamp
Maynard. Does anybody remember her name? -Please?!)
Josephina
- 28.07.2020
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