The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis 3 In God We Trust
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The Many Loves Of Dobie Gillis 1: What's In The Head Of The Thinker? free porn video
[Note: This story was written before my "I Dream of Jeanie 4".]
Note: "Maynard G. Krebs" was played by Bob Denver, better known
as "Gilligan".
The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis 1: What's in the Head of the Thinker?
Created by Max Shulman;
Produced by Rod Amateau [1959-63];
Parodied by Ron Dow75
Dobie Gillis, blond, crew cut, average early 1960s Working-
Middle Class Dobie Gillis was at his usual marble bench in the
park, bent over with his chin on his fist just like Rodin's
statue, "The Thinker", a copy of which was just behind him.
He at last shook his head from his hand. "I just can't
figure it out. There is not one good reason why I do not have a
girl."
Grabbing a thigh with one hand, he used the other to
gesture to make his points, "Okay, I'm not the handsomest guy...
But there are uglier guys than me who have girls. Okay, I'm not
the sharpest dresser... But there are less well-dressed guys than
me who have girls. Okay, I'm not the wealthiest guy... But there
are poorer guys than me that have girls... Okay, I'm not the
smartest..."
Dobie lifted his hand, "No, there is not one good reason...
But there are a dozen C-grade reasons! Put them all together, and
that's why I have no girl!"
Dobie put his jaw on his open hand this time, defeated,
"It's hopeless."
"You rang?" a skinny, scraggly goateed beatnik-type in gray
sweatshirt without sleeves, jeans, and sandals.
"Oh, hello, Maynard," Dobie said, not bothering to move.
"Like, what's the problem, Dobe?"
"Girls."
"Girls!!?"
"Maynard!" Dobie said, finally moving. "You don't have to
yell, just because you hear the word girls."
"Girls!!?"
"M-Maynard! There are none of them around! It's just a
word!"
"Sorry, Dobe. But, like, when it comes to me and those
other-type people..." he shuddered.
"Maynard, why is it that you, who are afraid of, uh, "those
other-type people", and me, who wants a girl- Any girl! One lousy
girl! -are friends?"
"Opposites attract?" he said, straddling the marble bench
(while Dobie scooted back) in front of him.
"We're not that opposite."
"Oh, yeah? I dig jazz; you dig pop. I'm beat; you're
square. No offense." ("No offense.") "I'm into Zen; you're into
money-grubbing-"
"Money-grubbing?!" Dobie said, ready to take offense.
"You, like, do that manual labor jazz in your Dad's
grocery."
"I try not to work-"
"Work!!?"
"Maynard!"
"But you do it. Like, that's a nasty habit. And why? Like,
to have enough money for chicks."
"I wouldn't have to, if Dad would give me more money."
"That scrooge? That skin-flint? That miser? That-"
"Maynard! I get the idea! Unfortunately, it's true. Dad
won't even give me an advance on my allowance."
"Dobe, you're advanced so far ahead in your allowance, that
if it were, like, school, you'd be readying for retirement. Like,
no offense."
Dobie sighed, "True, too. No offense."
"And why? Chicks! Like, give them up! I don't see what you
see in them."
Dobie had this habit of almost looking around or away when
he thought of something he really didn't want to think about,
"Maynard! What good are girls-"
"Girls!!?"
"Chicks! They're soft, and luscious, and creamy, and all
together dreamy, and-"
Maynard got up, "If you're going to be, like, that way
about it."
"Maynard, where do you think children come from?! You like
kids!"
"Kids come from mothers."
"Mothers are girls."
"Girls!!?"
"Now, stop that!"
"Dobe, mothers are not, you-know. They're, like, mothers.
And mothers don't dig me."
"Gir-er, Chicks don't dig you, either!"
"I wish that were true."
Now, Dobie got up. "You?!! Even you, Maynard?!"
"Please, Dobie, Maynard G. Krebs does not, like, like to
talk about it," and he started walking on the "Do Not Walk on the
Grass" park swathe behind the bench.
"Maynard!! Tell me your secret!" Dobie said, following. "If
you can do it, then..." He stopped.
There, up on the stone base "The Thinker" rested on, was a
girl all in black, from the black beret on her long black hair to
her baggy black sweatshirt, her tight black Capri pants, and even
her black leather sandals. But her skin was soft, and luscious,
and creamy...
"Like, not the scene, man!" Maynard said to the girl.
"Like, it is! The bomb!"
"The bomb is, like, mental!" he said, starting to climb up
after her.
"The kin folk are the bomb!" she said, moving to keep the
statue between them.
"Kin folk always bomb!"
"'Bombed out of house and hearth!"
"'Bombed out to the garage!"
"Heat?"
"No heat. No water. No-"
"Maynard! What do you think you're doing?! I thought you
hated girls!"
"This is, like, a chick, Dobe! A fellow beat, a kindred
soul, aaa-"
A bolt of lightning came from out nowhere, and struck the
bronze statue.
Both of them had been touching it.
"Maynard!!" Dobie cried, running to his friend, now fallen
to the ground.
He had a goofy grin on his face, goofier than the one he
normally had!
"Maynard! Speak to me, good buddy! Say something! Any
thing!"
"You rang?"
"Not now! Maynard needs help."
"I, like, always need help."
"But, Maynard-" Dobie looked up, away from the friend in
his arms. There was something, something about...
"Man, like, do I look happy."
"Maynard?!" Dobie cried, looking up over his shoulder... at
the girl in black.
"Hi, Dobe."
"Maynard!?!" Dobie cried, rising up in startled recognition
(and dropping Maynard's head back onto the ground).
"You, like, said that before." Then she put her little
finger into her long hair, where her ear should be, "But not that
loud."
"You Are Maynard!?!"
"Sure, I'm me. You have a pencil and paper?"
"Pencil and paper??" Dobie asked, confused, but feeling his
pockets. He found a notepad with a pencil in its spiral.
"Thanks, Good Buddy," she said, taking them from him.
"May-Uh, what are you doing??"
"Writing down my name and address. How do you spell Krebs?"
"K, r, e- Maynard! It's your own name!!"
"I know. I just don't write it much."
"Why do you have to write down your name and address?! Is
something wrong with your memory?!"
"No. Like, I don't think there is. Let's see... I know all
the words to Ginsberg's "Howl"; I remember every idiosyncrasy of
Thelonius Monk; I-"
"Maynard!! Why are you writing?!!"
"I'm, like, letting her know who she is, and where she can
stay," the female Maynard said, bending over to tuck the note
inside the top of his sweatshirt.
"Stay!?? You're going to let her stay at your place?!"
"Of course! It's, like, her place, now."
"Maynard, you're just going to give her your identity?!"
"Dobie, she, like, has my identity."
"You're not upset about it?! Don't you want it back?!"
"Like, how am I going to get me back?"
"You could, you could..." Dobie said, gesturing towards the
statue.
"Its', like, Kismet! The will of the gods," the girl said,
starting to walk away. "Karma is corrected."
"But your parents! Won't they know she's not you?"
"Oh, come now, Dobie! How can I act any stranger than I
already did?"
"True, true.
"But what about you? Where are you going to stay?"
The girl shrugged. "I'll find a pad I can land on."
"Maynard!! You're a girl! Girls-"
"Girls!!?"
"Now, stop that!!"
Dobie looked around for a couple of seconds, before
returning to Maynard, "How is it you don't mind being a girl. But
say the word "girls"-"
"Girls!!?"
"I said, stop that! Why, Maynard? Just answer me why?"
"First of all, I'm not a girl; I'm a chick."
"There's a difference?"
"A beat chick does not act like a girl."
"Not a normal girl, I'll grant you that."
"And, second, a girl, I don't mind so much. It is when they
come together... twos, and threes, and a whole mob of them
swarming at you ready to-" The girl suddenly stopped, with a bug-
eyed expression, she put a hand near her long, slender neck.
"Maynard what happened?!!"
"I scared myself."
"Maynard!! If there were any doubt left in my mind, that
ended it. You're Maynard G. Krebs, alright."
"No, I don't think I'm Maynard. I mean, like, if there is
one Maynard G. Krebs walking around, can there be two?"
"One Maynard is enough," Dobie agreed.
"So, I must be somebody else."
"Do you know the girl's name? Do you know where she lives?"
"Didn't you hear?! She's, like, been evicted from her
folks' pad. An orphan. That's why she wanted to do the big
suicide scene."
"From the top of the statue??!"
"Suicide isn't sane. Besides, I think it was practice."
"She could have hurt herself!"
"I, like, think that was the whole idea. Anyway, she's not
herself, so I have to be somebody else."
"If you're not going to be Maynard, why don't you be... Why
can't you be "May"!"
"May..." the girl threw her beardless chin in, and thought
about it. "Yeah! May Nard! I, like, like it!"
"Maynn-I don't think you should let people get the idea
that you were once you. You're going to be thought of as strange
enough."
"Stranger than I was before?"
"Much."
"Okay, then. I'll add my "G."!"
"'May Nard Gee'? What kind of a name is that?!"
"May Nardgee. I think it's a very beat name."
"I won't argue with you there. So, you'll come home with
me."
"Your dad doesn't dig me."
"It's Maynard he doesn't, uh, dig. You're not him, any
more."
"That's right! I'm not even a him!"
===
At Gillis Market: "Oh, my poor baby!" Dobie's mom exclaimed
at the news.
"I knew hanging out with that beatnut would lead to
something like this!" his dad declared.
They were an average early 60s Working Middle-Class kind of
parents: She was matronly without being fat, dark hair that was
starting to gray, and a careworn face; he was hardly fat at all,
with a red butch cut, and a face aged by worry. They were in blue
shirts, and dark green aprons, she in a dark gray skit, he in
dark gray slacks.
"Oh, man! Dobe! Come over her and smell the rosemary!" the
strange-looking strange girl said over in front of produce.
"Dad! Mom! You don't understand!" Dobie told them.
"I don't understand!? I don't understand!?" Herbert T.
Gillis said. "A girl needs a place to spend the night, and she
finds my dummy son. What's not to understand?!"
"Oh, the color of these apples, they're... This one has a
worm."
"My poor baby."
"Mom!" Dobie said to her.
"'Poor baby'?? Hoo-Hoo!!" the "man-of-the-world" rolled his
eyes.
Dobie looked away, and then back, "Dad, it's not like
that!"
"Everything's so much brighter... Oo, florescent lights..."
"Then, tell me what it is like?" his dad said, crossing his
arms.
"Well, there was sort of this, accident..."
"My poor baby!"
"It was Maynard! But this, uh, this person-"
"Good save," the girl said, coming over, now. "Pickle?"
"Maynn-"
"Your name is, Mane?" Dobie's mom asked.
"No, Mrs. G."
"Never mind that! Just tell me; was Krebs hurt?" Mr. G.
asked, ready to smile.
"Well..." Dobie said, looking at the girl. "Nothing's
physically wrong; I don't think."
"It's Mental?! How could you tell with that kook?!"
"Let's just say, Maynard G. Krebs is not, like, the same
person as you knew and loathed, Mr. G."
"Hey, I may have not been wild about the kid, but loathe-"
"My poor baby's friend!"
"Uh, so, since Maynard and I are such good friends..."
"Childhood chums, like!" the girl smiled.
"I quiet understand," Dobie's mom said.
"Well, I don't!" his dad said. "Why can't she stay at his
place- And ask a stupid question."
"Thanks, Dad!"
"Now, wait a minute! I didn't agree to-"
"Is your name really 'Mane'?" Mrs. G. asked.
"Hey, like, cool! 'Main'! I think I-"
"No! It's May, Mom!"
"'Maymom'?? Like, what kind of a name is-"
"Vheew..." Herbert T. Gillis whistled through his teeth.
"Another winner for my stupid son."
"I like 'Main': Main Mann... Main Drag... Gas Main..."
"My poor baby!"
"My aching back!" Herbert T. Gillis said, thumping his
elbows down on the grocery checkout counter.
= = =
"I, like, think your Dad likes the new me better," May N.
said, coming up onto the second floor over the grocery.
"You're right. He didn't yell at all," Dobie said, turning
around.
"Just some loud talking."
"He's always like that."
"Like, true."
"You'll sleep in the spare room," Dobie said, pointing off
to the room end of the hallway of doors around the central
stairwell.
"Why can't I, like, sleep with you, Dobe?"
Dobie's head rolled around, "May! You're a girl!"
"Yeah? So?"
"So: It was hard enough getting them to let you stay! If
they thought we was going to..."
"To what, Dobe?"
"Eh... May; just how much of a girl are you?"
"Do you want me to, like, check?" she asked, reaching for
her Capri pants buttons.
"Eh, no!" Dobie said, grabbing hold of her hand before they
got there. "Hmm... soft, luscious, creamy..." he raised his eyes
to her chest, "with big dreamy-"
"Aw, no! I'm, like, a confirmed celibate! Do you know what
that means? It means I don't, like, dig that scene!"
"But we're friends!"
"Would you want to, if I, like, still had a beard?"
"But you don't! That's why it's different!"
"Maybe I ought to, like, find another pad," she started
back for the stairs.
"It's Kismet," Dobie said, trying to stay cool.
"Kismet!?" the girl stopped.
It'd worked! "I was there: Just the three of us. Nobody
else knows."
"Aw, man... Karma made much more sense when it was just
between two of us. I was never good with large numbers."
Yes! "Then you'll be my, best friend?"
The girl straightened up, and looked at him. "Only if you
don't ask me to be your girlfriend. Dig?!"
"Dig! I won't treat May any different than I did Maynard."
"...and, like, no flowers, or no candy, or no any of that
goofy, goopy stuff you, like, like to do for girls."
"Deal! Those things didn't work, anyway. All they did was
put me in debt to Dad!"
"Mr. G.!?! He just stopped hating me!"
"He doesn't have to know."
"Are you, like, sure? You know what a big mouth I have."
"You, like, have," Dobie said, trying to figure this out.
"If Dad finds out, you won't be the only one losing a place to
stay."
"We could always stay at Maynard's"
"The garage!?!"
"We could land on some pads I know."
"And be a beatnik?"
Suddenly, Dobie's head went right, and then back, "I think
I just figured out why I've never had a girl!"
= = =
"Back so soon?" Dobie's mom smiled from behind the cash
register.
"Where's Dad?"
"He's making a delivery at the Osborne Estate."
"The Osbornes??" Dobie asked, approaching her suspiciously.
"The Osbornes!?" the girl said, just as perplexed. "Mr. G.
doesn't, like, carry fish eggs and goose fat!"
"I sent him there," her smile didn't change.
"Not wanting to look like I'm looking a gift horse in the
mouth, but why, Mom?"
"The young lady didn't bring any luggage."
"That's okay, Mrs. G., I, like, don't need much."
"May--! I know how you don't like baths, but you need at
least one change of clothes!"
"And lingerie."
"Oh, no! I, like, draw the line at that kind of silky,
lacey, girly stuff!"
"She means underwear!"
"I, like, never wear underwear. You know that, Dobie."
"He does?" his mom's smile starting to crack.
"You're right; you do have a big mouth! Mom, am I a
healthy, All-American teenage boy?"
"Yes, you are, Dobie."
"Would a healthy, All-American teenage boy fail to notice
if a healthy, All-American teenage girl were not wearing
underwear?"
"No, you wouldn't, Dobie."
"Where does the 'never' come in?"
"May! You're not helping! Mom, I'll see to it she has on
underwear."
Mom's weakened smile was frozen to her face.
"-In the usual healthy, All-American teenage boy way."
The ornate bronze cash register rang up "No Sale".
"I also expect you to take her to the drugstore."
"The drugstore, Mom?"
"May knows what I mean."
"I do!?"
Mrs. G. took out a crisp, new bill. "We'll talk when you
get back."
Dobie looked at the bill with amazement. "A hundred
dollars!??!"
"Women are more expensive."
"Mr. G. is, like, going to go through the roof!"
"Don't worry about him," Mrs. G.'s smile had changed,
becoming... warmer. "Sometimes the Osborne staff lose their
lists, and will accept the delivery."
"You've done this before!?!" Dobie asked, shocked that his
very honest mom could be so crooked.
"You're, like, a capitalist after my own heart, Mrs. G.!"
May told her.
= = =
"May, you sounded like a Communist in there!" Dobie said,
leaving the store.
"I'm not into any of that jazz," May told him. "It's, like,
the last time I was looking for a place to stay, Bea Bop told me-
"
"'Bea Bop'? You actually know somebody named 'Bea Bop'?!"
"He's a nice guy."
"His name is 'Bea'?"
"Unh, hunh; he's, like, married to Adoo Bop."
"I don't even want to know which gender Adoo Bop is."
"Anyways, Bea Bop was, like, telling me about living in the
woods, like Robin Hood."
"So... you want to be like Robin Hood?"
"Why not? Robin was a girl, too."
Dobie looked away, and back again. "May! Robin Hood was not
a girl!"
"Oh, yeah? Robin's, like, a girl's name. Dobe! Did the same
thing happen to Robin Hood like what happened to me?!"
"Er, yes, May. That's why a man is named Robin."
"Oh," May said, sounding disappointed. "I'm, like, a she."
"That's right, May. You can't go live in the woods."
"Lead me to the store. I'll buy in, and sell out."
= = =
"Winnifred Gillis" was played by Florida Friebus, better known,
perhaps, as patient "Mrs. Bakerman" of "The Bob Newhart Show".
Mhairi
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