The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis 3 In God We Trust
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The Many Loves Of Dobie Gillis 4: May Is Gone; Maynard Is Back free porn video
Note: "Milton Armitage III" was played by Warren Beatty.
The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis 4: May is Gone; Maynard is Back
Created by Max Shulman
Produced by Rod Amateau [1959-63]
Parodied by Ron Dow75
Dobie Gillis, blond, crew cut, average early 1960s Working-
Middle Class Dobie Gillis was at his usual marble bench in the
park, bent over with his chin on his fist just like Rodin's
statue, "The Thinker", a copy of which was just behind him.
He rose, "I have a problem. I know what you're thinking,
but I've never had a problem like this one. No one's ever had a
problem like this!
"I have a chance to come into a fortune. The catch is, I
have to get married. And not to just anybody. No, the one that I
marry has to be special. Namely, someone who will help to make my
life more of a mess than it already is.
"Thalia is out. She would bring order to my newly acquired
financial wherewithal. That warm body with the cold heart would
complicate my life only by giving me enough freedom to hang
myself.
"Zelda is out. She would order my life until I had nothing
worth living for! She does have a warm heart, though. But did you
know her body temperature is not 98.6?
"No, if I'm going to marry somebody that would qualify me
for the trust money, it is either going to have to be somebody
not in the picture, yet, or... my best friend in the whole world.
That is why my problem is a such a problem!
"Can I really bring myself to marry the guy who helped me
learn to catch by bouncing it off drums because he never learned
to catch; the guy who has helped me the most get through school
by lowering the bell curve that assigns the grades of a class,
the guy who...
"What am I talking about!? When my best friend is soft,
luscious, creamy, and dreamy... And the only one in sight?!
"I can only hope May can look beyond the money, and
remember what our friendship meant to us. I mean, after all we've
done for each other...
"What's one more lousy favor?!"
===
Back in his average early 1960s Working-Middle Class high
school, Dobie walked into his homeroom. He looked at the ranks
and files of desks. They were assigned alphabetical. Gillis was
before Gilroy, as in-
"Hello, Dobie-kins," scrunch! Said and went the girl coming
from right behind him,
"Hello, Zelda," and scrunch went his nose, too. "Now cut
that out!"
"Any word on May, yet?" the average American Working-Middle
Class homely, ponytailed genius asked.
"You know about that!? What, do you have detectives
trailing me, like Chatsworth?!
"You don't actually think I would run off, and completely
abandon all hope of marrying you after hearing the shocking news,
do you?"
"You saw May!" Dobie cried, following her to the desks.
"I talked with her, as well."
"You did?! What did May say!"
"As best as I can understand, and mind you, I had a hard
enough time understanding anything Maynard said, was that she
would save you the trouble of having to marry her."
"That's May, all right. Then what happened? Where did she
go?!"
"I don't know," Zelda said, sitting down in her school
desk.
"You don't know!?!"
"You were trapped in the store, surrounded on all sides by
the forces of greed and incorporation!"
"You were outside!" Dobie sat twisted around.
"Among my many talents is the ability to read lips."
"I didn't see you out the store window!"
"I, unlike the stereotypical genius, have perfect 20/20
vision."
"That's right," Dobie looked at her. "Funny, I never
noticed before you don't wear glasses."
"I also have perfect, white teeth, and am acne free."
"So you do," Dobie saw that, yes, she was correct about
that, too; then he stopped looking, "Begging your pardon, though,
Zelda, the parts are there, they're just not arranged...
properly."
"I understand, Dobie, and I have accepted that about
myself. I was just pointing out I would be a low maintenance
wife. Unlike some we know."
"May would cost me even less."
"I wasn't her I was insinuating against, Dobie-kins."
Dobie looked around, and asked, "Where is Thalia?"
"You know Thalia Menninger, if she has something better to
do than attend classes, she will."
Dobie nodded, "She's even asked me to do her homework,
straight C student that I am."
"She couldn't pay me enough."
"Spoken like a truly conscientious, vindictive student,
Zelda." He no longer twisted his body much.
"I hope the word you wanted to use was "vindicative",
Dobie-kins. Anyway, I am sure Thalia Menninger is off-school
grounds looking for May."
"What does she hope to do that Chatsworth's detectives
couldn't do?"
"I believe the phrase was, 'It takes a woman to think like
a woman'."
"We won't be seeing Thalia for a while. May barely thinks
like a man."
"The Maynard G. Krebs I knew barely thought like a human
being."
"Did somebody say my name?"
"Maynard??"
"Maynard!?! What happened to you?!" Dobie cried in
disbelief.
===
Maynard G. Krebs, brunet, well-groomed, average early 1960s
Working-Middle Class Maynard G. Krebs no longer had his old gray,
cut-off sweater, jeans, or sandals. He no longer had his goatee.
Maynard G. Krebs looked human... even normal. And he was carrying
books and a loose leaf binder!
"May- I mean, Maynard! You're no longer a girl!"
"That's right. I am no longer a girl. I am Maynard G.
Krebs. I go to Central High. My grade point average is the same
as my middle initial, but I have one year to turn it around, and
go on to college, where there is a scholarship waiting in my
name."
"Maynard! That doesn't sound like you!" Dobie's head went
away and back. "-Scholarship??! When did you get a scholarship?!"
"Dobie, I don't think that is Maynard," Zelda said. "At
least not the grubby, nonsocial, but loveable beatnik that we
once knew."
"Maynard, I knew being a girl would have an effect on you,
but, but -to become Establishment overnight?!"
"You don't think becoming pregnant, and losing everybody
you loved and thought cherished you is not a profound enough
reason to grab a second chance when you've got one?"
"Maynard, you didn't loose those that care about you the-"
"Dobie, my tediously slow inamorato, this is not Maynard G.
Krebs-"
"I am Maynard G. Krebs! I have the identification to prove
it!"
"You're right, Zelda. That statement alone proves that this
is not Maynard. Maynard didn't think he had to prove anything."
(The second bell of the day RANG!)
Looking at papers from the office in his hands, Mr.
Pomfritt finally entered, "Alright Class, and I use the term
loosely, today's subject is-"
"Hello, sir."
"Mr. Krebs!?" the tall, thin-haired man cried in surprise.
"That's my name," the young man smiled.
"You look, you look... average!"
"And I'm clean, too."
The man got closer, "(sniff) So you are! What brought on
this rebellion against your usual life-style. I hope nobody died
in your family."
"You could say that, sir. The old me is dead and buried. I
am embarking on a new, and very different life. I hope I can be
worthy of the opportunity."
"Polite, respectful, ambitious... Mr. Krebs, if this
persists, which, knowing of our past encounters, and being
professionally scarred by them, I doubt, I would say you have
undergone a profound change."
"I have, sir. I am not the boy you once knew. Now, if you
would tell me where I sit, I will-"
"As fashionable as it is for somebody of my status to be
late, I find that-"
"AAAA!!!" Maynard screamed, jumping on the tall, dark and
handsome Milton Armitage.
"What is with this creature!" Armitage said more than
yelled as he spun the boy with far less muscle mass who clung to
him, and who was attempting to beat him senseless, but doing
little more than mussing Armitage's perfect hair.
"I knew it was too good to last long!" Mr. Pomfitt said.
"But even this is a record."
"Maynard! Maynard, stop attacking Armitage!!" Dobie told
the one who looked like his friend as he tried to intervene.
"This no good #$@& (BEEP)ed me up!!"
"MAY-NARD!!??" the shocked class cried.
===
They sat together outside the, to Dobie, familiar
Principal's Office. Maynard bemoaned, "A guy less than a day, and
already I'm fighting. That's not like me."
"That's not like Maynard, either. Maynard believed in
peace, non-violence, and passive resistance."
"That 'passive resistance' was how I got this way," Maynard
frowned; something his face wasn't use to.
"Milton Armitage!? The Milton Armitage, who has girls
swooning at his feet and kissing his wing-tips!? The Milton
Armitage who can have any girl he wants, just by snapping his
manicured fingers?"
"So, that's his name."
"You didn't even know his name!?!"
"At the time it didn't seem important."
"Not important!!? What kind of girl were you?!"
"Hey! I was a girl with problems I didn't want to deal
with. I was trying to lose myself in the beat world. And before
you say it, yes, I obviously did."
"Rich, spoiled, pampered Milton Armitage hardly falls under
the heading of 'beat'."
"I was getting tired of the scene. I wanted to try it with
the complete opposite." He went from staring straight ahead to
looking away.
"You can't get much more opposite than Maynard and Milton."
"Tell me about it. Maynard was kind and considerate."
"Unlike you."
"Hey! What do you mean by that!?" he said, looking at the
boy at last.
"You haven't asked how she is. And she is carrying your
child."
"It's not my child." He looked away again, "I never wanted
it."
"And May did?!"
"May?? That's what you're calling her? May? That's a dumb
name."
"Then, perhaps, you'd like to inform us what her real name
is."
Maynard opened her mouth; but, "Sorry, I can't do that. My
old life gone. I don't want to take the chance of it haunting me
again."
"'Haunting' you!?! Just what kind of a life did you have?!
If that life finds-"
"Maynard G. Krebs," said the man with the beaten down
(including his frowning) face.
"Here!" Maynard quickly rose, and headed for the door.
"I'll be waiting for an answer!" Dobie called after him, as
he rose.
"You will?" asked the man in charge of assigning penalties,
letting the other young man pass.
"...uh, in our next class together!" Dobie said, leaving.
===
"That's wonderful, Dobie-kins! It sounds as if May will not
be able to get her permission to marry you!"
"Zelda! You don't belong in this class!"
"Dobie, I get straight A's; I bring the grade-point-average
of this school up to acceptable levels, as the School Board
judges academic excellence."
"No, wonder the students detest you, Zelda."
"Be that as it may, as far as administration and faculty
are concerned, I can audit any class I see fit."
"Speaking of "Principals' Pet", have you registered May,
yet?"
"Have you seen May, yet? There are a few minor details we
must collaborate and agree on first."
"Such as?"
"Such as her birth date, her address, her phone number, her
last school, and other pieces of identifying trivia that help
fill up a form."
(The bald man with a mutton chop mustache began writing
dates on the blackboard. The warning bell RANG!)
"And speaking of somebody who should know her vital
statistics," Dobie said, looking at Maynard walked into the room.
"Are you here, too?!" he said, startled.
"I'm everywhere. Maynard and I are best buddies, and we
take all our classes together."
"How do you feel about girls?" Zelda asked.
"Girls? They, they're okay," Maynard said, trying to look
nonchalant, heading for the area where his assigned seat had to
be in.
"That's too bad. Girl-chasing is the only time Dobie and
Maynard are separated."
"Zelda, that's not the only time!"
"Maynard's that bad?"
"It's Dobie that's the girl-a-holic," Zelda told him.
"Oh," Maynard sighed in relief. "I don't think I'm ready
for that yet."
"Maynard is the girl-o-phobic."
"He-I mean, I am?"
"How long do you think you can go cold turkey?"
"Zelda! This is wholesome, Working-Middle Class America;
I'm sure Maynard could not have been anything but normal in the
preferences, uh, "he" preferred."
"Ever chivalrous Dobie, for a boy who wishes he understood
girls, you don't understand girls. Please stay as adorably na?ve
and ignorant as you are now."
"Mr. Krebs, take your seat."
"Uh, sir. May I sit in front?"
"You, Mr. Krebs?"
"I, uh, want to see the lessons better."
"You, Mr. Krebs!?! You wish to actually learn?!"
"Yes, sir. I do."
"How long do you think you can avoid girls, Maynard?" Zelda
asked before he could get away.
===
The bell announcing that the class was over with RANG!
"Whatever your plan was, Zelda, it seems to have failed,"
Dobie said, not quite certain if he should be pleased or not.
"You think so?"
Dobie looked again, but now that Maynard had risen, and was
collecting his things: "All I see is reformed, model student,
Maynard G. Krebs."
"Look at his face."
"He's twitching."
Zelda smiled. "He's even more of a girl than I had hoped."
"He is??" Dobie said, rising with her, collecting his
things, as well.
"His conscious mind may think he prefers being a male, but
his subconscious mind has gone into rebellion. It is over-
emphasizing all that is feminine in him, causing him to go into
withdrawal. It won't be long before he'll be wishing he was a
girl. And, if wishing, in this instance, can make it so, then,
Maynard and May are as good as returned, if you'll pardon the
term, "normal".
"Now, we have to over-emphasize what being masculine means.
Tell me, Dobie, what is our next class."
"Zelda, as much as the adult population of this school
allows you the freedom to pursue just about any subject, even
they, I do not believe, would approve of you going to boys' P.E."
"Uh, oh!"
"'Uh, oh'?? What's 'Uh, oh'?!"
"Dobie, I am going to do something I never thought, in all
my years of public education, I would ever do."
"Zelda! You don't mean..."
"Yes, I'm going to skip classes."
"You're going to skip?!"
"We're going to skip."
"We?"
"Three."
===
The door of "Local Diner & Malt Shop" opened, causing the
little bell over the door to Ring.
"I already got off to the wrong start with my homeroom
teacher and the principal, I can't skip, now!"
"Believe me, Maynard. You are not ready for boys' gym."
Zelda was right behind him.
"What!? You think I haven't seen a naked boy, before?"
"That is not the problem of the present, Maynard," Zelda
told him. "Besides, gym is about naked boys, as in plural,
multiples, groups gathered together for the purposes of lowering
their IQ.
"That is the problem. Singly or in mixed groupings, males
can lay aside their animalistic, instinctual natures; some are
even capable of attaining a civilized veneer."
Maynard turned and sat at the first empty booth. "What is
with everybody around here? Is there something in the water? Why
does everybody have to talk in, in...."
"Long complex sentence structures?" Zelda asked, waiting
for Dobie to get in ahead of her.
"Yeah, and use all those words you find only in text books,
or-"
"Pretentious literary works?" Dobie added, as he made his
way into the booth across from friend's form.
"We will go into the dialect of our little part of the
world on another occasion-" Zelda told her.
"Promise?"
"Getting back to the immediate problem-"
"Boys?"
"Isn't it always?" Zelda said, sitting down at last. "As I
was about to say, when boys come together, and become joined into
a group-"
"Oh, that. What girl doesn't know about that," the boy
shook his head at "nothing new".
"Know about what?" Dobie asked.
"Is he serious?"
"Thankfully, yes," Zelda said. "When it comes to matters of
gender, My Babe-in-the-Woods Dobie-kins has a mental block that I
choose not to correct. It may have to do with a childhood
trauma."
"So, you're saying he's not even a real guy."
"Now, wait a minute!"
"The subject at hand is not Dobie," Zelda said, getting a
might flustered. "The subject is real guys, and whether you're
ready to be one yourself."
Maynard's twitch was back, worse than before. "It's not
like I have a choice, do I? I am a guy, now."
"Which means associating with the pack; running with them
in their hunts; becoming a werewolf, howling at the first moon
that comes along..."
"'The first moon'?" Dobie repeated.
"I was using an allegory."
"If he doesn't have to be a real guy, I don't see why-"
"I am too a real guy!!"
Maynard's attention had wandered off somewhere, so Zelda
tried to get his back, "Do you truly wish to live Dobie's
pitiful, miserable existence that no..." Zelda finally turned to
look out the shop window, too.
"...Just because I'm not crude, rude, or..." Dobie, now,
too, looked to see what everybody was looking at.
"...sophisticate, suave, or..."
There outside, the tall, dark, handsome, and fit boy had
been stopped by a group of three girls, all eager for to hear his
rich, mellow voice speak their names.
"Armitage!" Maynard frowned, growing angrier by the moment.
"Maynard, no! Milton Armitage knows three forms of unarmed
combat! Not to mention fencing, polo-" Dobie made a grab to stop
Maynard.
But Zelda sat in his way, pushing him back. "No, Dobie.
This is a lesson all boys have to learn."
Dobie sighed, "As much as I hate to admit it, you're right,
Zelda."
"This might just be what's required to push Maynard to the
brink!"
The little bell rang over the door.
"Brink, Zelda?"
"Yes, Dobie. It is just a hypothesis at the moment..." (The
two of them watched Maynard saying something to totally composed
Milton.) "...but what if it were Maynard, here, that triggered
the mind-altering event?"
"So, you're saying if this Maynard really wants to be a
girl again..." (The three girls formed a wall in front of their
Milton.) "...it just might happen?"
"Yes. But, in his fragile, unbalanced mentally transferred
state, I could not let him experience the full brunt of the
rejection he knew Maynard would encounter from the boys..." (The
angry girls started verbally assaulting Maynard.)
"It looks as if Maynard is, now, experiencing the full
brunt of rejection from the girls," Dobie said. (Maynard was
trying to protect himself from the girls' attacks, by talking
back.)
"Yes. That is what I meant when I asked her if she could go
cold turkey. For, as real boys must form packs, real girls must-"
Zelda's mouth dropped.
"What in the world!?!" Dobie cried, flabbergasted.
The girls swarming around Maynard were smiling and giggling
as they talked with him; first one, then another actually reached
out and touched him.
"Oh, this can't be happening. It's a mirage. I'm on a dry
spell with girls, and-"
Dobie Gillis, Zelda Gilroy, and Milton Armitage watched
dumbfounded as Maynard G. Krebs walked away, a girl on each arm,
and the third walking backwards in front of him, a silly,
romantic grin on her face as she asked him questions.
"Maynard took girls away from Mr. Perfect!?"
"Oh, no," Zelda's heart sank. "He found a way to be a girl
while staying a guy!"
===
Let's take a pause.
Okay, all of the major characters, but Chatsworth "Mumsie"
Osborne, Sr., have been introduced. Which one do you think is the
girl's half-sibling?
As for her mother and step-daddy, "May" just might have to
be past the legal age. For legal reasons. But if there's money
involved, is she?
How did girl-o-phobe May know about the facts of life?
And is Dobie ever going to have sex? The plan is... yes.
By the way, it's not in the water.
Bree
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