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Heretical Bible Stories free porn video
These are frank parodies of real Bible stories.
Nothing is sacred.
Heretical Bible Stories
By Jacquie Windsor
[email protected]
(c)October 2001
Gospel of John -- Chapter 2: 1 - 11
1. On the third day a wedding took place in Cana in
Galilee. Jesus' cross-dressing father was there.
2. Jesus and his band of twelve transvestite hookers had
also been invited to the wedding.
3. When the wine was gone, Jesus' cross-dressing father
said to him, "Jesus, don't you have anything decent to
wear? I wish you'd shave off that beard, honey, since your
facial skin is so positively divine! Oh, and by the way,
I'm sloshed and we've clean run out of wine!"
4. "Dear woman, why do you involve me?" Jesus replied,
rather flattered at his father's remarks, although he
didn't want to admit it.
5. Jesus' father sidled over to the servants, nearly
tripping over his long, flowing, rhinestone-studded gown:
"Do whatever he tells you."
6. Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind wedding-
party guests would invert and wear on their heads when
they got too loaded.
7. Jesus said to the servants, "Fill the jars with water",
so they filled them to the brim.
8. Then he told them, "Now draw some out and take it to
the groom and that fellow dressed as his fianc?e." The
servants did what Jesus said, sneaking a look at his well-
formed calves as they did so.
9. The groom tasted the water, which Jesus had told the
servants he had turned into wine. He did not know where it
had come from, though the servants were well aware that
Jesus was not just cute and smart, but also quite a
connoisseur of bottled water.
10. The groom took aside "Millicent", his bride-to-be, and
said to her, "Taste this, he says it's wine". The servants
snickered among themselves, for they had tried to convince
the groom that Jesus had transformed the water into fine
wine.
11. Millicent took a sip and spat it out. "George," she
cried, "this isn't wine, you bastard, it's just tap
water!" "I know," answered her soon-to-be husband, "but he
says it is." He pointed at Jesus who was grinning
complacently near the water jars. "That jerk?" cried
Millicent. "Let's crucify him!"
Daniel -- Chapter 3: 1 - 30
1. King Nebuchadnezzar made an image of gold, thirty
metres high and three metres wide, and set it up on the
Plain of Dura in the Province of Babylon.
2. He then summoned the satraps, prefects, governors,
advisers, judge, magistrates and all the other provincial
officials to the dedication of the image he had set up.
3. Some of the officials whispered among themselves that
something about the golden image appeared to be just a
little bit out of the ordinary.
4. Harold, the man with the loudest voice in all the
Kingdom, proclaimed, "This is what you are commanded to
do, O peoples and nations of every language, except
English, because England is not yet in existence, and, I
suppose, Spanish, because there is no Spain...right, and I
guess even Latin when you think about it...
5. Anyhow, when you hear the sound of the horn, flute,
zither, lyre, harp, pipe, and all kinds of music except
for Soilent Green, you must bend over and reveal your
buttocks to the image of gold that King Nebuchadnezzar has
set up.
6. Whoever doesn't do this will immediately be thrown into
a blazing furnace."
7. Therefore, as soon as the Janet Jackson concert blew
into town, the people remembered these words and
collectively mooned the huge monument as Harold had told
them to.
8. At this time the concert promoters came forward and
complained to Harold, who drove them over to the king's
palace in a big old Mercedes.
9. The promoters said to King Nebuchadnezzar, "O King,
live forever!
10. "You have issued a decree, O King, that everyone ought
to buy tickets to go see Janet Jackson, and then go out
the Plain of Dura and moon your big yellow statue,
11. And that everyone who refuses to do this will be
thrown into a furnace.
12. But there are these three ticket scalpers we know,
Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, who pay no attention to
you, O King. They buy their tickets in bulk and stand
outside the arenas overcharging and basically ripping us
off.
13. These promoters had been big contributors at King
Nebuchadnezzar's campaign fund-raisers so they had to be
taken seriously. He had the three suspected ticket
scalpers brought to the palace,
14. And Nebuchadnezzar asked them, "Is it true, Shadrach,
Meshach and Abednego, that you are charging outrageous
prices for tickets to the Janet Jackson concert?" The
three men shrugged their shoulders and stared at the
ground.
15. "I'll tell you what," the king continued, "if you are
ready to go with me down to the Plain of Dura, and expose
your rear ends to the golden statue, I will drop this
matter right now. But if you do not agree to do this, you
will be thrown into a blazing furnace. Then what god will
be able to rescue you?"
16. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, "O
Nebuchadnezzar, first of all, scalping tickets is merely a
method of satisfying the needs of the marketplace, since
the concert promoters set the price artificially low in
order to create an excess of relative demand. Secondly,
there's something a little weird about this whole statue
mooning bit. That big golden statue appears to possess
both a fairly graphic erection and what sure as shit looks
like a pair of boobs.
17. Now, for the first crime, maybe you should go take an
introductory course in economics to figure out what's
wrong with your thinking.
18. But the punishment is even more ridiculous than the
crime, for our God is a jealous God, and he will rescue us
from the blazing furnace if that's the only alternative to
exposing our asses to that big yellow transsexual image."
19. Then Nebuchadnezzar became furious with Shadrach,
Meshach and Abednego, and his attitude towards them
changed. He ordered the furnace stoked with tonnes and
tonnes of fuel, to make it hotter than Hell,
20. And commanded some of the strongest soldiers in his
army to tie up the three ticket scalpers and toss them in.
21. So these men, wearing their T-shirts and jeans, were
bound and thrown into the blazing furnace.
22. The fire was so goddamned hot that it scorched the
hair right off the heads of the soldiers who brought them
up to the entrance. They leaped about screaming, "My head
is on fire! Yow!"
23. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, meanwhile, fell into
the fire.
24. Shadrach said to Abednego, "Abednego, you'd better
call God on your cell phone, because these flame-retardant
suits sure ain't going to last long in this kind of fire."
25. So Abednego made the call. A phone by God's bed
started ringing, waking Him up from an uncommonly deep
sleep.
26. "God, here, what up?" "This is Abednego," said the
voice at the other end. "Er, have you forgotten that today
was the day you are supposed to be saving us from the
fiery furnace?"
27. "Shit," God replied. "Damn it all to fuck, Abednego,
wasn't that supposed to be tomorrow? I was up doing crack
all night with the Witch of Endor and that Jezebel chick.
28. Listen, I'm really, really sorry, Abednego, but I am
in no shape right now to do anything like that. Hey, by
the way, does Meshach have that hundred he owes me? I blew
pretty much all my cash on the party girls and my mortgage
payment's overdue."
29. But Meshach couldn't get the cell phone out of
Abednego's hand, because it was fused to Abednego's
melting skin. Soon the heat of the fire overcame the flame
retardant on their special suits and Shadrach, Meshach and
Abednego died a horrible death by roasting.
30. And to this day, the people of the area gather in
front of the gigantic image of the golden transsexual, out
on the Plain of Dura, whenever there's a pop concert. As
for God, well the bank repossessed Heaven and now He runs
a hot dog stand down by the beach.
Judges -- Chapter 16: 4 - 21
4. Later on, Samson fell in love with a beautiful woman
from the valley of Sorek. Her name was Delilah.
5. Now Delilah was a Philistine, too, although she
apparently took baths now and then in breach of regular
Philistine custom. The barons of the Philistines came
around to her new place and said to her, "Trick him into
telling you the source of his strength. We cannot defeat
him, since he is very strong."
6. So Delilah said to Samson, one romantic evening, "What
makes you so strong?"
7. Samson grinned and told her that if he was bound
tightly in a corset, and breast forms were inserted in
them, then he would become as weak as a normal man.
8. Delilah thought that was a little kinky but, being a
Philistine, she figured this would be fairly similar to
anything she might have expected from the men back home.
The barons of the Philistines brought her a tight bone
corset and two rather large gelatinous breast forms.
Delilah dressed up her new boyfriend in these things and
thought he looked a little butch, really, because he had
such a muscular body.
9. Now the Philistine barons were hiding in Delilah's
closet, waiting for her to signal for them to come out and
defeat Samson. She had finished dressing him up and
suddenly called out, "The Philistines are here, Samson!"
And he burst out of the corset as though it was made of
lint and punched out all the Philistines. Their noses bled
freely and they ran out of Delilah's room to recover from
their wounds.
10. Delilah, realising that Samson had tricked her,
started to cry, "Samson, you are mocking me. You lied to
me, you son-of-a-bitch! Now tell me the truth! What could
possibly take away your strength?"
11. And Samson told her, "If you take lipstick, mascara,
eyeliner, and cosmetics of kind, and apply them liberally
to my face, I shall become weak as a lamb."
12. Delilah recovered from the mild shock that her hulking
boyfriend would enjoy doing his face like a woman. After
all, some of the Philistine customs were equally unusual.
She took all manner of make-up and did a good job of
creating a feminine vision of Samson's rugged, squarish
facial features. Once again, some of the Philistine barons
were hiding in her room, and they awaited her signal.
Delilah called out, "The Philistines are here, Samson!"
And without too much effort, Samson fluttered his
eyelashes and flew into action, breaking many of the
Philistines' limbs in the process of driving them out of
the room.
13. Delilah glowered at her boyfriend as he calmly removed
his make-up. "You did it again, you bastard. You lied to
me. Tell me the truth or I'm going back to mother!" So
Samson calmed her down and explained that if his hair was
set into curls or into a wavy cascade like Andie
McDowell's, then he would become as powerless as a turtle.
14. So Delilah washed his hair and set it into a gorgeous
style, just as he had told her to do. Then, as before, a
number of Philistines were hiding in her room, and some of
them wore bandages because they were still hurting from
the other sound thrashings that Samson had given them.
"The Philistines are here, Samson!" And Samson, just as he
had before, kicked, punched, gouged and pounded the
Philistines until they ran away, holding their sides and
bent over in extreme pain.
15. Delilah flew into a daily rage, followed by a deep
silence, and then tremendous grief, and finally a stream
of recriminations against Samson. "You say you love me,
and yet you tell me all these lies. I wish you were dead,
you asshole!"
16. This kind of behaviour went on for a long time, until
it nearly drove Samson totally bonkers.
17. "Okay," he admitted at last, "if I tell you, Delilah,
will you just stop pestering me?" She smiled quietly. "If
you dress me up, as before, and with a beautiful prom gown
and four inch heels, and don't forget the make-up and the
hair, then I will become as weak as any other man."
18. So Delilah did this and sent for the Philistine
barons, at least those remaining relatively healthy.
19. One of the barons took a look at Samson, and thought
he was pretty sexy and quite passable, actually. Samson's
face flushed a little as the Philistine baron told him how
attractive he was.
20. Delilah stood by, mortified. "Wait a minute. Aren't
you going to take my sissy boyfriend off to prison now?"
21. "Shit no," answered the Philistines. "She's hot! We're
gonna go out to the disco. If you want to tag along,
Delilah, feel free. But Samson's our kind of girl!" And so
the Philistines and Samson left Delilah's house and went
down to the disco.
Ezekiel -- Chapter 23: 1 - 35
1. God dropped by my place, again unannounced, on a Friday
night, just as I was getting ready to go out.
2. He started talking (He smelled like cheap wine, too, so
I decided to humour Him, since He was loquacious, to put
it mildly, when He had been drinking): "Yah Zeke, there
were these two dudes, sons of the same bitch,
3. And they used to dress up in chicks' clothing and run
off to party in Egypt. Their mom set them up with a
plastic surgeon from Palmyra or some place and they got
these nice big implants, too." God held his hands front of
his chest, simulating the volume of their fake tits.
4. "They changed their names to Aholah and Aholibah, and
passed as sisters,
5. And Aholah used to work as a transvestite whore in
Assyria, believe it or not!"
6. I tried to amuse God as He sprawled unceremoniously on
my couch. I just hoped He didn't vomit, since He was known
to project a most prodigious amount of curdled wine when
He did, and had ruined many fine carpets in the Land of
the Medes. He went on: "Aholah's lovers were generals and
politicians, all of them young and desirable, and each of
them drove fine cars and smoked the best cigars from the
Citadel of Havana.
7. Well, that in itself wasn't all that terrible, really,
since prostitution isn't exactly all that rare, Zeke, but
it really boiled my blood to see that sexpot spending time
in the Temple of the Phallus of Put." I knew that the
Assyrians had made an error in translating some of the
dimensions of the Rhind Papyrus, and had made the Phallus
of Put a great deal larger than God's own dick, which,
even now, appeared as a tree trunk beneath His carelessly
arranged robe. The priests at Nineveh thought that a cubit
was more than three times larger than it really was, and
thus made the Phallus of Put to be nearly one metre long.
8. "Now if that wasn't bad enough," God went on, "Aholah
came back to this country with all the bad religion and
transvestite hooker personality that she'd learned in
Egypt and Assyria.
9. Well, of course, I simply drove her off to Assyria
again, I mean, what else could I do?" I slipped a pail
near God, who belched suddenly in a most alarming way. I
had only vacuumed the carpets last night, and couldn't
bear to see them stained.
10. "Well, the Assyrians fucked Aholah for a while, but
they invited her to one of those S&M orgies they were fond
of throwing, and at that time they cut off Aholah's head
with a sword. That was My curse on her coming true!
Unbelievably, the fame of Aholah spread among all the
transsexuals and transvestites and all of them suddenly
wanted to become just like her. I kid you not, Zeke. My
whole plan fucking backfired!
11. In fact, when her 'sister' Aholibah saw that, she
decided to become even more famous by indulging in even
worse shit."
12. God slumped further into His chair, furrowing the seat
deeply with His generous buttocks. "So Aholibah exchanged
sex for cash with all the same Assyrian nobles and
bankers, just as Aholah had done,
13. And they even did her up the ass and in the mouth at
the same time.
14. Now as if that wasn't enough... O Zeke, excuse me, do
you have a spare smoke? I seem to have run out." I rolled
my eyes heavenward and offered Him a Camel, lit it for
Him, and urged Him to continue. "Well, yeah, where was I?
Right, Aholibah saw the murals on the walls of the City of
Nineveh, portraying Chaldeans in red robes, from far to
the south.
15. Now these weren't just run-of-the-mill Chaldeans but,
by the gaudy headdresses they had on, they were actually
Babylonians, the dukes who ruled in Chaldea."
16. "I'll bet she wanted them bad, right?" I interjected.
17. "Damn straight," replied God, inhaling deeply on the
cigarette, "and they came running when she called. They
had sex orgies all day and all night, and she became
filthy rich because of it, but her brain turned to mush,
and her emotional state turned sour.
18. Now Aholibah ought to have realised that I am the
Great Cloud of Knowing and that nothing and nobody escapes
My judgement.
19. But she was just a transsexual slut and the
Babylonians came up to Nineveh with caravans of spice,
silver, medicines and rare exotic fowl, and she seemed to
like those things more than having her own functioning
brain, so she's, like, 'What the fuck?'"
20. "Gross," I admitted. "The Babylonians are known to
have faces like the rumps of mules, even if they are hung
like horses." God belched. Then He howled in laughter,
clutching His sides.
21. "Yah, Zeke, she was a worse whore in Nineveh than in
all her younger days in Egypt, and she even got bigger
implants when she was there, in order to make herself more
attractive to those ass-faced buggers from Chaldea.
22. So I cursed her bad, appearing to her as a Giant
Floating Squid hovering over her refrigerator, and telling
her that all her johns would come to torment her from
every side.
23. The Babylonians, the Chaldeans, the Pekod, the Shoa,
the Koa and all the Assyrians that she'd fucked
24. And that they'd bring with them several tonnes of
shackles, scourges, rods and Chinese finger torture
devices, and that they would set upon her body in a riot
of sado-masochism."
25. "Who the hell is Masoch?" I asked. "O Zeke, never
mind, he lives about 2,500 years from now but I know that
because I'm omniscient-like, you know." "Right, sorry, I
forgot."
26. God went on, acting a bit dangerous whenever I
interrupted, a most unsettling sight.
27. "I told her I would do all this, and worse, if she
didn't behave like a proper girl."
28. God threw His spent cigarette into the pail I'd set
beside His place. And as the bright future of Aholibah, so
the fired end of the Camel smouldered a while and then
went out.
29. And then God's eyes turned upon me, widening in
miraculous recognition. He saw me dressed in raiment and
decoration, far exceeding that of the opulent princesses
of Chaldea.
30. And God's omniscience, dulled into a drunken fog, and
His omnipotence, mollified by a week of bingeing, and His
omnipresence, cornered by Pride, Wrath, Avarice, Gluttony,
Sloth, Envy and, especially, Lust, all came roaring back
from the periphery of His consciousness.
31. "Zeke! You, you, you..."
32. He tried to finish His sentence, but simply couldn't
choke out the words among the bile that sloshed within His
organs.
33. "Yes, God, Your dearest whore, Aholibah. She leads a
double life as Your prophet, in the day, and as the finest
Whore of Babylon for all the nights.
34. For You see, O God, that those fine tricks of mine,
from Babylon, Chaldea and Assyria, all turned out to be
rather a tad more 'M' than 'S'. And you'll be overjoyed to
learn that I make twice the pieces of silver I ever did
before.
35. And all it takes is a riding crop!"
THE END
Ofelia
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