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Down Under Odyssey By Starhawk It was a brilliant day in Canberra, in the Australian Capital Territory, where I stood in a church waiting for my bride to walk down the aisle so we could be married. I was as nervous, as any groom could be. I had been waiting for this day to arrive for months. The day when the rest of my life would begin with a woman I truly loved beyond all measure. Even beyond my own life. When they started to play the wedding march, I turned to look down the aisle and saw her. Cat began her walk and looked to the entire world like an angel. Though the bridal veil obscured her face from me, I remembered each and every feature. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She gave me the strength to keep standing since the herd of butterflies in my stomach threatened to stampede at any second. As she came closer, I could see her eyes were locked with mine. We were less than an hour away from becoming one in life and love. I never thought this day would come to me. After so many disappointing relationships in my life, I had resigned myself to being single for whatever was left of it. Then I met Cat, and everything changed for me. Cat took her place next to me. On impulse, or was it out of a sense of need, I took her hand and gave it a light squeeze to let her know I was glad we were getting married. Cat's smile blazed through her veil with a warmth I knew she meant for me alone which eased my nerves. The pastor began the ceremony and the two of us turned to face one another. The sound of her bridal gown rustling against the carpet summoned the memories of the time I met Cat. It was in early September a year ago that I volunteered to take a trip to Australia to migrate one of our customers to the latest and greatest email system. I was hoping this trip would help me get over my last relationship with a woman named Liz. I needed to clear my head about her and I figured going to Australia would be a great place to recover. Why Australia you ask? The answer was simple. Australia was about as far away from Texas as one could get without leaving the planet, and that was exactly what I needed. Liz had so many of the qualities that I was looking for in a wife. She was intelligent, had a great sense of humor, brilliant smile, and a caring heart. She was physically beautiful as well. Oh not like a Nicole Kidman or anything though she did have red hair like Nicole. Liz was a bit heavier than Nicole was, and her figure was more like the 50's actress Jane Russell. Yes Liz was beautiful to me . . . inside and out. Then the bottom fell out and Liz vanished. There was no note, email, or voice mail to say she was leaving. There didn't appear to be any good reason for her disappearance. One day we were happy as two peas in a pod, then she was gone and my heart was just so much scorched earth. Needless to say, that day was one of the worst in my life. As the big Qantas 747-400 took off from LAX, I did my best to leave all memories of Liz behind and look forward to the coming adventure of Australia. The great Down Under was a land of mystery and excitement. It was a land of warm people and great tasting wine. During my education as a geologist I learned of the fantastic mineral wealth there and knew that, one day, I would have to take a trip to see it for myself. During the flight over I had the good fortune to sit next to a native Aussie woman and struck up a conversation with her to find out more about her homeland. Her name was Kathy Seale and she was from Brisbane. She had a brilliant smile and infectious personality. She fit the profile of the typical Aussie based on what I had heard through movies and such. Listening to her voice I thought about some of my favorite Aussie actresses like Virginia Hey and Claudia Black from Farscape. The sound of their voices were so soft and sexy, just like Kathy's. As we talked we couldn't help but smile at our very different accents. My Texan and her Aussie. We had a great time and became fast friends. "So what brings you to the Land of Oz, Jim?" "I'm heading down to Canberra to help one of our customers migrate their current email system to Microsoft Exchange." "Who's your customer?" "Australian Customs Services." "That's aces. I have some friends who work in Customs and they constantly tell me how frustrated they are with their email. I hope your project will help them." "I think so. Exchange is a pretty stable platform. It isn't perfect, but it works well if no one mucks with it too often." I paused a moment to shift my legs around to get comfortable then asked, "So where are you from?" "Perth originally, but now I live in Brisbane." "Really? Why did you move cross country?" "Work mostly, but I also wanted a change of scenery." "I can relate. I was born in Connecticut and now live in Texas. Not as far a move as you've gone through, but a good ways nonetheless. For me it was more an issue of moving away from all that snow. More to the point the removal thereof." "How long have you lived in Texas?" "Closing in on twenty one years now." "So you're a naturalized Texan?" "You bet." "I passed through Houston a few days ago, but never got to Dallas. I really enjoyed your Tex- Mex food. Lots of spice." "You like spicy food?" "Among other things." Kathy's mouth broke out in an impish smile which led me to wonder what she meant by that comment. I let it slide for the moment, but logged it for future reference. "Did you try any of our barbecue?" "Shua." "What did you think of it?" "Good tucka." "Excuse me . . . tucka?" "In 'strine, our Aussie slang, tucka means food." "Thanks for the clarification." "No worries," Kathy replied letting her hand come to rest on mine. That first touch was amazing. It didn't last very long, but it was friendly. Was this woman sending me an invitation or just being typically Aussie? I did my best not to let my feelings runaway with me, and moved on. As we continued our conversation I told her that I was looking forward to touring around Oz and hoped to see Ayers Rock. She told me that the Aborigines call it Uluru, and that it's a sacred place. There are all sorts of caves at its base where the Aboriginals lived. Cave paintings too. She asked me how I had gone from being a geologist to an email engineer. I told her that it is was out of necessity. When the oil and gas market went bust in the mid 80's I had to get a new job. So to help put bread on the table, I took a job selling computers. It wasn't long before I was supporting them. From there, I went to our engineering group where I specialized in email systems. After dinner and drinks we went to sleep. Kathy told me it was a good idea to get as much sleep as possible to help adjust to Aussie time. I took her up on her advice and headed off to dreamland. When I awoke, I found Kathy's head resting on my shoulder. Not wanting to disturb her, I let her sleep. At least she didn't snore. I couldn't help thinking how quickly I had become comfortable with Kathy. Was it her Aussie accent? Was it her warm personality? Could it be that my need for female companionship was stronger than the hurt within my heart? Or God forbid that I was suffering from rebound. I did my best to calm the fears that rose within me and tried to enjoy the moment. I adjusted Kathy's blanket and watched as she shifted in her seat snuggling closer to me. Some time later Kathy woke up. I felt her body stir and saw her face lift towards my own. "Sorry." "Don't worry about it Kathy." Kathy sat up and finger combed her hair into some semblance of order. "I just don't want you to think I'm being too forward." "That didn't even enter my mind." "Thanks. If you'll excuse me I need a trip to the crapper." I stood to let her out and off she went. Realizing my own need, I followed. After making ourselves, presentable to the day we enjoyed some conversation. Being curious about the strine she'd mentioned earlier I asked her some questions to see what I could learn. "So are there any words I should be careful of when talking to other Aussies." "You mean of the fairer sex don't you?" "Frankly, yes." "There are a couple of words you should be aware of I suppose. The word 'randy,' for instance, means horny." She touched me again. This time on my forearm. Be still my heart. "I'll definitely make a note of that one. I wouldn't want to offend anyone by a slip of the tongue." "Another word which I find has a different usage for you Yanks is the word 'fag.' In strine it refers to a cigarette, and if someone says to you that your 'kangaroos loose in the top paddock' . . . their telling you you're crazy." Kathy looked off to the front of the airplane for a second or two in thought before continuing, "Then there's 'spunk' or 'spunky' which means sexy looking. In the States I noticed this means spirited." "That's right." I learned about a few other words and phrases so I wouldn't make a fool out of myself when I arrived. I thanked Kathy for her help and moved on to ask her thoughts on America. "So what did you think about us Yanks? What about the country itself?" "Wow where do I begin? First, I'd have to say that I really enjoyed my time in the States. I've been touring your country for almost two months so I got to see quite a bit of it. I especially liked the southwestern portion around Arizona and New Mexico. The Indian Reservations were sad though. Such a proud people like the Navajo or Hopi living at poverty level." "I know. I have seen it too during my studies at Arizona State University, but you know something? I learned that they are also a strong people and their culture and love for the land is undeniable. With all that we have done to them they still, for the most part, have a strength we white men will never understand. It's almost as if they draw strength from the very land they live on." "Much like our Aboriginals I suppose." She remained quiet for a moment to collect her thoughts then said, "I like the people and found them much like my own countrymen. Sure I didn't enjoy some of the cities in the northeast, although New York City surprised me with its friendliness. I also liked Florida and especially the Keys. What a great place to have a party! Such great beaches, clear water, and warm sun." "Never been there myself, to the Keys I mean. I did go to Jacksonville, Florida some years back and enjoyed myself, but never made it that far south." "You really should make an effort to get down there. You won't be sorry." "I'll do that. So what else did you enjoy about America?" "The food was great. I love the Tex-Max as I already told you, and the Italian was great too. One of the things I loved was the variety of foods you have. Everything from Chinese to Greek and back again. It is truly a smorgasbord of flavors. I will say that I was disappointed in the chocolate. You see I'm a chocoholic in the worst way. I can't get enough of the stuff. In Australia we have Cadbury everywhere and my favorite chocolate bar is Flake." "I love chocolate myself." "Then you must try the Flake. Take two of them, crush them, and then sprinkle them over a bowl of vanilla ice cream. Yummy! Additionally, get yourself a big Cadbury Dairy Milk bar. Your mouth will think it died and went to choco-heaven." "Thanks I will make a note to try that the first chance I get." We landed at Sydney's Kingsford Smith Airport and deplaned just after 7am local time. Kathy and I went through Customs together. I walked Kathy to her gate where we said our good-byes. "Jim, I had a great time talking with you and I hope we meet again. For a Yank, you're alright. Who knows maybe I will get down to Canberra or you can fly up to Brisbane. If you can get away let me know and I'll show you round the place." "I'll do that Kathy. If you do get to Canberra, I'm staying at the James Court. Do you know where that is?" "Yes. Actually, I do. You'll like it there. It's close to everything, but beware the shops close up early. When all the city workers leave for their homes in the burbs, as you Yanks say, the place becomes a ghost town, except for Friday night partying." I asked her if I could give her a hug and she readily agreed. Kathy felt wonderful after such a long flight. Like a ray of sunshine peeking through the clouds on a cold winter's day. As I walked away I hoped that we would meet again one day, but knew that was unlikely since we were heading off to different parts of the country. To put it into terms any Americans can understand it was like she was going to Boston and I was going to be in Dallas. In short, we weren't going to be next door neighbors or anything. Still we were in the same country and so there was a chance. Part 2 The flight to Canberra was less than an hour and uneventful. After deplaning for the final time I walked out to the main terminal and found a woman holding a piece of cardboard with my name on it. I introduced myself to her and then went over to the carousel to retrieve my luggage. I picked up my bags and followed her a short trek through the parking lot to her car, a silver 2001 Holden Vectra I noted with a strange looking bumper on it. I took the passenger seat as she put the car in gear and headed into Canberra. Being curious I asked her about the bumper and she just smiled at first. Then she explained that it was a roo guard. To help prevent damage to her car in case she encountered a kangaroo on her travels. She said it was quite common nowadays since the roo herds were getting so large. The Aussie government even allowed cullers to go out and shrink the herds. Kangaroo was one of her favorite foods she elaborated. My immediate reaction was curiosity and I made a mental note to try kangaroo while I was here. Karen took me on a brief tour of the city and showed me Allara House, where I would be working. Then she took me to my hotel, the James Court where I checked in and got settled. All in all a full day considering my trip from the U.S. I retired early and fell right to sleep although my body clock was not fully adapted to Aussie time. My second day in Canberra was far more business than pleasure as I reported for duty. I was going to be working for Australian Customs Services (ACS) out of Allara House. I left the James Court early to allow myself plenty of time to walk there, something I enjoyed doing. It was a cool late winter morning in Australia. It was made tolerable by the bright sunshine that accompanied me this day. There were few people out and about, which made the trek through downtown Canberra City much more enjoyable in my opinion. Quiet walks were a necessity to relieve any stress in addition to getting some exercise. It was a time to think and simply spend time alone. After a half hour of walking I found Allara House and took the elevator to the second floor where I reported to my company's representative at ACS, Tom Evans. Tom was a native Aussie who was a bit on the heavy side, I estimated him to be around 270 pounds, although he stood a full 6'3" (a shade under 2 meters) in height. He had a mustache and a great "can do" attitude from what I had heard through my boss, Jack Williams, back in the States. Tom and I spent most of the morning discussing what was expected of me during my stay in Canberra. Then he took me around to meet some of the people I would be working with to get my project completed. The first person I met was Ian Stowe who was the senior mail administrator for ACS. Ian struck me as intelligent and competent, though a bit on the quiet side. Maybe he just needed time to get to know me. For that matter, I needed to get to know him too. After all, I was entering his territory. I was the visiting team so to speak so it was up to me to make the first inroads so we could work together. Ian was around my height of 6'1" though he clearly weighed less as evidenced by his thinner physical frame. Ian's primary responsibility was for the email system, though he focused his maintenance efforts on the eastern half of the network. Next I met Mark Foster, Ian's second in command who primarily took care of the mail network in Western Australia. Mark was an older gentleman, perhaps in his early 50's and somewhat out of shape. Still I found him pleasant and competent as well. Finally, Tom introduced me to Scott Markham who was in charge of the overall network infrastructure for ACS. Scott was the youngest person I met that morning. He was married as evidenced by the picture of his wedding sitting on his desk next to his computer. I also noted a picture of a young boy on the wall of his cubicle, his son I assumed. I thought him to be his mid to late 30's and quite fit as indicated by his athletic build. Tom and I broke for lunch and headed to the Canberra Centre food court where we had a pleasant discussion about anything and everything but work. Being "on duty", I did not partake of any beer or wine. Happy Hour was hours away, and I could wait. However, I did ask Tom where one could satisfy a parched throat after work. He suggested a local pub called PJ O'Reilly's which had a good atmosphere and was a great place to meet the locals. I told him it sounded perfect. In fact, one of my goals in coming to Australia was to get into the local culture since I had no idea if I would ever be back this way and I wanted to enjoy my time to its fullest. I spent the rest of the day getting acquainted with my workstation and acquiring whatever network access I would need to accomplish the task, which lay before me. After work I headed over to PJ O'Reilly's and walked up to the bar where I asked for a VB. It was the only beer I knew although I did see a variety lined along a shelf about halfway up the wall. Now, I should say that I am not a boozer by any means. In fact, I make it a point to maintain control of my faculties so that I could avoid getting into trouble. I simply enjoyed taking time out to relax and have a beer or two. I took up a position at the end of the bar that would offer me a good place to observe the patrons as they entered the pub. The place filled rapidly as businesses shut down for the weekend. One thing I was about to learn - Australians love to party, and they work to live. Something we Americans have yet to learn, as we tend to live to work. Think about it. Another thing I was to learn this evening was that Australian women were among the most beautiful in the world. Additionally, there were more redheads in the Down Under than I had ever seen in my life. Some of them were obvious fakes due to the odd shades of red that walked through the door. However, the number of natural redheads outweighed them. How do I know so much about redheads you ask? Well all I'll tell you is they have been a favorite study of mine for decades. I have seen tall and short ones, fat and skinny ones, young and old ones, male and female (though I focused on the female variety if you get my meaning). To put it plainly I found redheads irresistible. Especially if they had green eyes, the deeper the shade of green the better. As I ordered my second VB, I caught a flash of red out of the corner of my eye as two women sat down next to me. One of them turned out to be a drop dead gorgeous redhead. No surprise based on what I had seen in the past half hour. The other was an equally beautiful brunette. Within seconds I felt my pulse quicken in response to their closeness. My beer arrived and I focused on the golden elixir within the glass. As the two women began to talk I could not help but intrude on their conversation. The warmth of their Aussie dialect drew me like a moth to flame. As I listened I learned the redhead was named Caitlin and the brunette was Deb. As I sat there, I took whatever opportunity I could to take in their presence. Caitlin was dressed simply in jeans and a dark gray sweater, which belied the voluptuous form beneath. I could not accurately gauge her height and weight since she was sitting down, but guessed her to be around 5' 8" and 145 lbs. A bit on the heavy side, but attractive nonetheless. I saw her smile at something Deb said and the brilliance of her smile was breathtaking. Her pearly whites were straight out of a Hollywood dentist's office. Her lips were full and enticing. Caitlin's voice was lower than Deb's, and had a breathy quality I found exotic and sexy. Her hair fell in softly curled tresses past her shoulders. Her skin was milky white in color and accented by a generous number of freckles. Deb, whose back was to me, had a more athletic body and well- proportioned. She had a narrow waist and long legs. Her hair was pulled straight back and tied in a pony tail high on the neck. The way it shone in the ceiling lights told me she took care of it as it looked like silk. Deb's voice was melodic and warm and her laughter was friendly. From what I could see, they were drinking wine, Caitlin a red and Deb a white. As my beer disappeared I decided to have one more for the road and called the bartender over to take my order. As I spoke, I caught Caitlin smile and nudge Deb before whispering something into her ear. Deb took a quick look at me before turning back to Caitlin and answering her in tones too quiet for me to hear. Did you ever have one of those moments when you sensed your life turning a corner in a direction you never thought it would? Well that is what happened to me. I could actually feel my life changing direction. The only problem . . . where was I going? As my third beer arrived Deb and Caitlin turned in my direction and said, "Hello, Yank." "Howdy," I replied as calmly as possible. "So, do you have a name?" Deb asked. "Yes." "Are you going to make us guess?" Caitlin asked. "Might be interesting to see what you think my name is, but no, the name is Jim. Jim Connors." "Pleased to meet you Jim. I'm Deb Mortonsen, and this is my friend Caitlin Carstairs." "Howdy." "So what part of the states are you from?" "Dallas, Texas." "Wow Caitlin, a real live Texan." "And you . . . do you come from the land Down Under?" "Yeah," Cat replied. "Where women glow and men plunder?" "Oh puhleeze," Deb exclaimed. "Sorry. I couldn't resist." That is how I met Deb and Caitlin. For the next hour or so, we made small talk, which I thoroughly enjoyed. It wasn't the content so much as simply listening to their voices with that sexy Aussie dialect. They could have been talking about Psychology 101 for all I cared. I especially loved Caitlin's lower sexier tones. Her voice mesmerized me. At seven, we decided to grab dinner and continue our conversation at a nearby restaurant. I jumped at the chance to spend more time with these ladies and had them take the lead. I paid my bill and followed them out towards Garema Place where we entered the Red Back Caf?. The Red Back was an intimate place and would be great for continuing our talk. Deb and Caitlin ordered more wine. At their suggestion, I asked for a Cascade from the waitress who gave me a warm smile when I spoke to her with my Texas accent. After she left, I turned my attention back to Deb and Caitlin. "You better get used to that Jim. That accent of yours is going to get you a lot of looks. No worries though we Aussies don't bite . . . much." Caitlin said. "I kinda figured that would be the case. Still it hasn't been too bad so far so I think I'll be able to handle it." We continued to get to know each other. I enjoyed hearing about their travels and found that both of them had been to tons of places. They told me it was part of being an Aussie to travel. They loved to explore. Their ancestors had come to this island as rogues and prisoners. They were the unwanted of a now non-existent empire. Deb told me Aussies were fiercely independent. It was obvious that they loved their country. Just as much as, I loved mine. As I thought about what I had just heard I realized how similar Americans and Australians were. We were both formed from the castoffs of society. The United States from religious exiles, and Australians from prisoners. Both of our societies rose from the ground up. Lastly, we also loved our lands deeply. Yes we had a great deal in common. As it neared 9pm I decided it was best to call it a night so I could get some sleep and get one step closer to getting my body on Australian time. After paying our bill we walked out on to Garema Place and breathed in the cool night air. The late night crowds were out and about and I knew it was time for me turn in. Deb and Caitlin said they had a good time, and they enjoyed meeting me. I replied in kind and told them I hoped I would meet them again soon. As I walked back to the hotel, I found myself thinking about Caitlin and those piercing emerald green eyes of hers. Don't misunderstand me, I liked Deb too. It is simply that Caitlin's looks and that voice of hers was drawing me to her like a moth to a flame. Maybe it was her red hair or those emerald eyes, the smooth sexy voice, or that gorgeous body. Whatever it was about her that attracted me, I was going willingly. Arriving back at the hotel I took the elevator to my floor, after taking a much needed trip to the bathroom I got undressed, and went to bed. My dreams were filled with images of Caitlin and Deb. They were, as you might imagine, very pleasant. Part 3 I did not see Deb or Caitlin for several days after that first meeting. I sincerely hoped I would see them again soon. Until then, I filled my time by getting out and seeing the city. I took walks around Lake Burley Griffin and had a nice time just sitting by the lake and watching all the activity that took place on and around it. I also explored the myriad of shops along Garema Place. Bookstores, jewelers, music shops, and even a Subway. Just like home. I wandered through Canberra Centre and came across a shop called the Mineshaft, which was a geologist's dream. It was a small shop as shops go being little more than 4 meters wide and 10 meters long. It was filled with all sorts of stones, carved, polished, and rough cut. There was jade, fire opal, malachite, azurite, and amber. There was even something called "tiger iron" which was a mix of tiger eye and banded hematite iron ore. Top notch stuff too. It soon became my favorite stone and I bought several pieces that first trip. I knew I would be back as there were several other stones I wanted to bring back home with me. In my wanderings near the center I found the local supermarket and bought some food stuffs for the weekend. It was great fun too since I purchased foods I had never heard of in the States. There were sultanas and capsicums (Yank translation - raisins and bell peppers), and many other things. I stocked up on sandwich meats, milk, and even bought some Vegemite. I had first heard about Vegemite in the song by Men At Work several years ago and became curious about it. Now I would have my chance to try it and see for myself. I also found some Flake and ice cream based on Kathy's recommendation. On my way back I made one more stop at a nearby liquor store near the hotel and picked up two bottle of local wines, one red and one white, based on recommendations from the owner. One of them turned out to be a DeBortoli Cabernet Sauvignon 1995 vintage that would come to be my favorite. Prior to coming to Australia, I had learned that Australia and New Zealand were known for some fantastic wine making. Regions like Hunters Valley, Yarra Glen, and Barossa Valley to name but a few. The southeastern portion of Australia covering New South Wales, Victoria, and South Australia seemed to have the majority of fine vineyards, though other portions of Australia were well represented too. Even Alice Springs out in the middle of the famous Outback had a winery of some note. My shopping complete I returned to my room and put my purchases away. The rest of the day I spent relaxing with one of my books and enjoying the peace and quiet. As for the Vegemite . . . I found it salty, but surprisingly good. Part 4 My first full week in Canberra was a blur as I spent most of my time in and out of the various existing established email sites around Australia so that I could see how much work was ahead of me. I gathered data on each location and cleaned them up of old data so that my information was as current as possible. I worked with Ian and Scott to gain the necessary access and soon found myself jumping from one part of the country to the other in a matter of seconds. Their network wasn't as fast as those back in the States due to Telstra's higher rates for leased lines, but when in Rome you had to work with what you had. Scott was most helpful in obtaining a diagram of the ACS network that helped me get a grasp of the 'big picture.' Based on my knowledge I knew the new system would function though not as well as it could. On Friday I found myself back at PJ's in the hope of meeting Deb and Caitlin again. I ordered a Cascade and settled back to unwind. I was on my second Cascade when I saw Caitlin enter the pub. I waved her over to my booth and stood to meet her. "My what a gentleman," she said beaming her smile at me. "You're quite welcome Caitlin." "You can call me Cat." Her green eyes flashed brilliantly. "Thank you Cat." As I thought about her nickname I could see how that fit her for there was something feline about her. Was it the shape of her eyes? Could it be the way she moved across the floor in fluid motion, reminding me of a cat stalking its prey? Or was it the way she purred when she talked? Maybe I was imagining the whole thing. Yeah. That was probably it. I asked Cat what she wanted and went to the bar to get her wine. I watched her sitting there in the booth and took note of her relaxed form. Picking up the glass from the bartender I walked back to the booth and placed it in front of her. She thanked me as I took my seat. "So where's Deb?" "I'm afraid she won't be able to make it tonight Jim. She has a date with her boyfriend, Corin. Hope you're not disappointed." "No way, Cat." "Good answer," she smiled in reply. "Don't you have a boyfriend?" I asked hoping for the best and preparing myself for the worst. "Not now." Cat paused to take a sip of her wine and gather her courage before continuing, "I broke up with my last boyfriend some months ago and I haven't been quite ready to dive back in to the dating scene. I guess I'm still a bit fragile over the whole thing." "Sorry. I didn't mean to open up any wounds." "No it's okay. I can talk about it now Jim. A few months ago it might have been a different story, but the wounds are pretty well scabbed over now." "I know how that goes." "Do you?" "Yeah, I do. My last break up occurred about a year ago. I truly thought I had met the woman of my dreams. She was a few years younger than I and had gorgeous auburn hair. She was a little overweight, but that didn't concern me greatly because I really fell for 'her'. The 'her' within, Cat. Do you know what I mean?" "Yes." "She had me hook, line, and sinker as the saying goes. Liz, that was her name by the way, and I had a wild ride, and one I wouldn't trade for the world. You see most of my relationships prior to Liz could be compared to mild tropical storms in terms of their strength and emotional power. With Liz I felt as though I had been thrown into the middle of a category 4 hurricane." "Wow. That's quite a picture. So what happened?" "Well, we were together for almost eight months before things went south." "Excuse me? 'Went south'?" "Oh, sorry. 'Went south' means they turned for the worst." "Okay. Now I understand. Please continue," she said taking a sip of her wine. "Why did you two break up?" "You know that's the funny thing. I truly don't know. One minute we were all lovey dovey and having a great time, and the next thing I knew Liz was gone. Left me bawling on the floor of my kitchen wondering why someone so wonderful was gone." I slugged the rest of my beer down to gather my courage and continued, "I tell you what though Cat . . . I have never hurt so much over a woman as I did with Liz. I suppose that's why it took me so long to venture out into dating again." "Sounds like you do know," Cat stated. "What about you Cat? Feel like talkin' about it?" "I'm not sure I should just yet Jim." "That's okay Cat. Don't worry about it." "Thanks for being so understanding Jim. For what it's worth, I think you are a great guy and you're lucky you have at least experienced love. Not many people get that in life." "Have you been in love Cat?" "Once or twice." "Do you think you will ever fall in love again?" "I hope so Jim, but I don't know." Cat sipped her wine then leaned forward to reveal her ample breasts. "What about you? Do you think you will ever be able to fall in love again?" "If you had asked me that question a few months ago, I'd have said no." "And now?" "Now I am not so sure. I think the best thing I can say is that I still have hope that love is possible." As the evening progressed, Cat and I submerged into a world of our own. It was unreal, but I felt so comfortable with her. After PJ's we took a walk along Garema Place where we found the fountain outside Canberra Centre. We sat down on a nearby bench and watched the fountain waters rise and fall in their rhythm. It was peaceful there by that fountain. However, as the chill night air settled in around us (partially due no doubt to the effects of the alcohol wearing off) we decided to get something to eat at the Tip Top Asian Garden that specialized in Thai food. The restaurant wasn't as intimate as I would have liked, but the food was great, and the company was awesome. I think we could have been anywhere and I wouldn't have minded. I found Cat enchanting. We left the restaurant around 9:30 and I offered to escort Cat back to her car which she readily accepted. It was getting colder now so when we reached her car she offered to drive me back to my hotel. Not wanting to get sick, I accepted. As we pulled up to the James Court, she turned to me and asked what I had planned for tomorrow. "Nothing much. I was going to take a walk in the morning down by the lake and then come back for a nice hot shower. Why?" "Well I was wondering if you'd like to take a tour of the Black Mountain Botanical Garden?" "Sounds like a deal to me. What time do you want to meet?" "The place opens up mid morning so why don't I meet you in front of your hotel around 9." "Sounds great. See you then Cat." Part 5 Cat, true to her word, picked me up bright and early. We took the short drive through Canberra to the Black Mountain Botanical Garden where we had a wonderful tour through a veritable jungle of native flora. Now I am not normally one who likes such things, plants I mean, but I do enjoy the outdoors and being with Cat made it enjoyable. I learned that Cat really enjoyed being in and among the native flora. She seemed to be energized by them almost as if she drew strength from them. She took pride in pointing them out to me. Names like Silver Wattle (a.k.a. Acacia), Tea Trees, and Banksias. The latter reminded me of a big corn dog from the Texas State Fair in flower form. There were Kangaroo Paws too. They really looked like big red kangaroo paws. I found enjoyment in seeing them through her eyes. Then again, maybe it was simply her enjoyment that made me happy. It was during this outing that we had our first romantic moment where we were listening to the tour guide and our hands touched. Now, by most people's standards, the touch of a hand might not be that romantic, but with Cat, there was a definite spark between us. I wasn't sure Cat felt it because her face showed little recognition in the moment. Maybe she was being cautious because of her past relationships. Maybe she was trying to keep the pace slow so things didn't get out of hand. Whatever the reason I did my best to respect her feelings and moved on with the tour. On our way out of the botanical garden, I asked her about the roo guard she had on her car. "Yeah we really need them. Especially if we go out into the bush. You just never know what you'll hit out there." "Can roos really do that much damage?" "Believe me they can. I've had friends spend several thousand Aussie dollars on repairs after hitting a roo. Especially the big reds. Those blokes can get really big, and if you hit one of them . . . watch out!" Later that day we decided to have dinner in the famous Telstra Tower, which had a nice restaurant, that revolved offering an ever-changing view of Canberra and the surrounding area. It was a great time made even better with Cat. As we settled down to our meal Cat spoke up. "Jim, do you think you'll ever be able to let anyone into your life again?" "I don't know Cat. I guess I'm split on the subject." I took a sip of some wine and looked deep into her sparkling green eyes. "Part of me hopes I will. The nights in Texas can get mighty lonely at times, and it would be nice to spend some time with someone I care about." "And your other half?" "Let's just say I enjoy my independence and like being able to do what I want . . . when I want." "I can understand that mindset. Which side are you leaning on now? At this moment." "I don't know truthfully Cat. I will admit that I'm attracted to you. I would have to be dead not to be. You're beautiful. Those big green eyes and that luscious red hair you have draw me like a magnet. I love talking to you. I love your smile. I like your spunk. I like the way your mind works, and most of all I love the way you make me feel when I'm with you." Cat was taking a bite of her kangaroo filet when I said the last bit, which made her gag. She brought her hand up to cover her mouth followed by her napkin. After taking a swig from her wine, Cat took a moment to compose herself. I thought I had said too much laying my feelings out there for her. I prepared to get them stomped on, but secretly hoped she would accept my invitation. Or was I accepting hers? I decided it really didn't matter as long as we chose to walk together for whatever time God had granted us. "Do you really think I'm beautiful, Jim?" "No doubt in my mind little lady." Her eyes dipped down for a second or two, but when they came back up, they were filled with a fire I had never seen before. Not even in Liz. And yet there was something else too. I wasn't quite sure what it was, but I was determined to find out. The best I can say is her eyes offered me something far more than I could ever imagine. I could hardly wait to find out what lay beneath the surface of this woman who had so captivated my heart in such a short span of time. What was it about Aussie women that made me weak in the knees. First Kathy and now Cat. I know I hadn't told her that for there was still some caution within me that refused to let my expectation get out of control. After all, I had been hurt before and I wasn't sure I was willing to open myself up to that again. The prospect of a romance with this woman was most frightening. I had to admit my fear for I was indeed scared that a romance with Cat would spark to life and grow into something far more than either one of us could ever imagine. I was scared because I remembered the pain I suffered when Liz left me. It was a pain I couldn't wish on my worst enemy. A pain that reached into the very core of my heart and ripped it out -- leaving it utterly desolate. Yet my heart, while desolate, was not dead, and Cat was working her way into it whether I liked it or not. Could I resist her charm and beauty? Should I? Would I? God I was scared of what Cat was doing to me. "I hope you still think that after you get to know me, Jim." "I haven't heard anything that would scare me away Cat." "Ah, but you don't know all of my dirty little secrets Jim." "Hmmm. Now you do have me curious." "Just remember what they say about curiosity." "Yeah, but that cat wasn't a Texan." Cat smiled and my heart took another step closer to hers. Cat and I finished our evening out by driving up to Mount Ainsley where we found a great scenic spot that overlooked the sprawling city of Canberra. Lights as far as the eye could see. Even in the evening light, we could make out Northbourne Avenue and Government House off in the distance. It was incredibly beautiful. We put the seats back and enjoyed the peace and quiet of the evening. It was perfect. Made even more so by Cat's presence. As our eyes adjusted to the night sky, Cat pointed out some of our heavenly observers. The very first one she pointed out was the Southern Cross, which was brilliant. Then she pointed out another constellation called Centaurus with the two brightest stars within it being Alpha and Beta Centauri. She told me that the Abos call them 'the twins which created the world'. I couldn't see Cat's eyes clearly in the darkness of the night but imagined the green flame that burned in them. At that moment I felt compelled to take her hand and at the same time wondered if I should. I wanted to let her know how much I wanted to be with her, but knew I should be cautious. Not only for my sake, but for hers as well. She was fragile, as she had said, so I had to be careful. However, nothing ventured nothing gained as they say. Tentatively, I reached out with my right hand and found hers open and inviting as I enveloped it. I noted its warmth and surprising strength. It was not a hand lacking in power. Something else I liked in Cat. I knew she gave a good firm handshake from our first meeting, but this was different. Her hand was strong and yet it was supple at the same time. What a great combination to find in a woman. I had never liked people who shook hands like dead fish. It always made me feel like I needed to wash my hands. So far so good. What would it be like to kiss her I thought? I remembered what her lips looked like and knew they would be worth kissing as they were full, not bee stung full, but naturally so. Kind of like those on Raquel Welch though a bit smaller. They were perfect in my book. Just like so many other things about her. I looked over at her and admired her profile in the starlight. The cute button nose and the gentle curve of her chin. Yes she was beautiful. In the light or in the dark she was gorgeous. Just then, she gave my hand a gentle squeeze, "Enjoying the view?" "Actually . . . yes. Yes I am." "Good. Me too." I knew she wasn't talking about me since she was looking out at Canberra's city lights. I couldn't compete with that, nor did I want to. However, Cat outshone the city by a fair ways in my eyes. "Cat?" "Yes?" "May I . . . " "Yes?" "May I . . . kiss you?" Cat turned her head to face me. She remained silent for a time before answering, "Jim I don't think that would be a good idea right now. It's not that I don't want to kiss you. I just think it's a bit early to go down that road. Would you mind if we took it slow for now?" I was disappointed naturally, but I wanted to prove to her that I respected her wishes so I agreed. She gave my hand a warm squeeze and then brought it to her lips to kiss it. I think it was her way of thanking me. If not, I accepted it as such and leaned back to look out at the city lights again. Finally, Cat started the engine of her Astra SRI and we zoomed back down the mountain. Shortly thereafter, we found ourselves back at the hotel where we said goodnight. Man how I wanted to kiss her and there was a sense that she wanted that too. Before I changed my mind I opened the door and closed it just as quickly. Part 6 I didn't see Cat until the next weekend when we arranged to drive out into the country. Cat said she would let me drive her car so I could get the feel of it. I was eager to try right hand drive and so jumped at the chance. Besides I would get to spend more time with Cat, and that was even better. The morning air was cool and crisp as Cat picked me up in front of the hotel. She was dressed simply in jeans and a denim jacket. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail. Her makeup was simple (one more thing I loved about her - a woman with too much makeup was a turnoff to me). She also wore a perfume that was light and citrus in character. It really worked on her. "You smell wonderful this morning." "Why thank you kind sir." "You are most welcome, gorgeous." Cat turned her car north onto Northbourne Ave and accelerated. In less than an hour we were halfway to the 'Never Never' (Yank translation - the middle of nowhere). Cat found a good spot and pulled over so we could switch places. I had a blast driving Cat's car. I wasn't reckless or anything because that wasn't me and this wasn't my car. While I felt awkward driving on the left hand side of the road Cat helped me through it. I even got to negotiate one of the roundabouts I had seen during my travels around Canberra City. Cat told me they were quite simple to navigate once you got the hang of them. If you want to go left out of the roundabout you signaled right and took your first turn. If you wanted to go straight, you simply took the second turn. Finally, if you wanted to go left you signaled left and took the third turn. Cat and I had lunch at a restaurant where she introduced me to one of Australia's sweetest treats - a sticky date. This dessert is a pudding served with a toffee based sauce. Yummy! As I wrapped my lips around that first bite I could see that I would be wanting more of this Aussie treat. "So what do you think?" "I love it." I cut of another piece with my fork and fed it to her. The way she wrapped her mouth around the sweetness was both sensual and sexual. Gosh she was beautiful. She then did something I hadn't seen her do before. She wrinkled her nose and blinked her eyes. It was sooo cute. The restaurant itself was rustic in appearance with a well trampled wood floor that gave it a nice atmosphere. Like something out of the late 1800's. A great place to have a meal with someone you love. Did I just think that? After paying the bill, I gave the keys back to Cat, then took her hand as we walked back to her car. With the air warming up Cat decided to put the car top down so we could enjoy the sunshine. As we pulled onto the highway gaining speed, I watched as Cat's hair blew back resembling wind blown flame. Like the engine flame paint jobs on the roadsters from the 50's and 60's. I wondered how much fire lay beneath the skin of this woman. Only God knew for sure, though I hoped to find out. I reached over and turned on the radio. I found a station playing some cool jazz and took note of the setting, FM 92.7. I asked Cat about it and she said it was ArtSound Radio of out Canberra. It was one of her favorites for relaxing. Not only did they play jazz, but some classical and world music as well. A good eclectic mix I thought, although I wasn't all that high on the classical stuff. On our drive back to town we decided to pick up some wine and head back to my room for some quiet conversation. I sensed that Cat was nervous. So was I for that matter. Here I was bringing back this gorgeous woman to my room and I had no clue what was going to happen. Yes I had my hopes, but would they become reality? I should explain something here so you know a bit more about me. First, I consider myself a nice guy. I am not one of those 'bad boy" types which most women seem to be drawn. I am stable and do my job to the best of my ability. I have had several relationships as I stated earlier, but have one trait that has served to derail several of them. You see I have the unerring ability to obsess about things in my head. What I mean by that is I think too much. This had killed many an opportunity for me. Some were romantic interests and others career possibilities. It was infuriating to me since I hadn't been able to figure out a way around it. No matter what I tried, this obsession always seemed to win out. Then there were my fears of commitment and rejection. I had heard that courage was not the absence of fear, but the ability to take action in the face of it. This had resulted in my losing out on several great opportunities in my life. I can't tell you how many nights I had sat up praying these fears would disappear, but they hung on like some kind of pit bull in battle. In short, I was a mess in ways, which could destroy this relationship if I wasn't able to control or defeat them. God I hoped this time would be different. After stopping at a nearby bottle shop (Yank translation - liquor store), we went to my room and I pulled out a couple of glasses, some cheese, and crackers to go with our wine. Cat and I set up some chairs on my balcony and made ourselves comfortable. I opened the bottle and poured the wine, a nice DeBortoli Cabernet Sauvignon 1995 - one of my favorites since coming to Australia. We spent the next few hours drinking and talking, talking and eating, and it was not long before the bottle was dry. Cat finished her glass and then got up to go to the bathroom. As she stood, she bent over quickly and gave me a quick peck on the cheek. "Whoa! I'm pissed," she said steadying herself on my chair. The kiss caught me completely off guard and before I could respond, she had left the balcony. However, the impact of the kiss stayed with me. The softness of her lips was just as I had imagined, although I wished they had met my own. Then her parting words seeped into my dulled brain and caused me to become deeply saddened. I was staring out over the balcony railing thinking about her words when she returned and sat down next to me. "I think we need more wine Jim." "Yes . . . yes we do, and it just so happens I have another bottle in the fridge. Let me get it." I did my best to hide my sadness as I left to retrieve the bottle. "Aces!" she replied. When I returned I couldn't help wondering what Cat was thinking. My mind was a tornado of activity. On the one hand Cat had kissed me. No doubt a good sign. However, her words concerned me. So which way were we going? Closer together or breaking up? I had to know. So I asked. "Cat?" "Yes?" "A moment ago you said you were pissed." I looked straight into her eyes and continued, "Have I done something wrong?" Cat looked at me and then began to laugh out loud. I scowled at her in response. "Oh Jim. It's not what you think. It's not what you think at all. You see 'pissed' in Aussie slang means I'm drunk." "Oh." After a moment to let my impaired brain process this new information, I began to laugh at the misunderstanding. I poured each of us a glass and then settled back down in my chair. Cat leaned forward, picked up a bite of cheese, and popped it in her mouth. Why was I obsessing on her mouth? I desired Cat. My whole body wanted to be with her - skin to skin. She caught me looking at her and smiled. As she leaned back, she slipped her shoes off and put her feet up in my lap that sent my heart racing at warp speed. "Uhhhh," I responded looking deep into her eyes. "Don't you like this?" "Yes I do Cat. I'm just thinking about what this means." "What do you mean? It means what it means. It's my own version of Aussie Rules football or footy. No holds or rather 'feet' barred." She took her feet off my lap and leaned forward. She took my hands in hers, pulled them to her and me along with them. "Are you getting the message now Jim?" Her breath was sweet from the wine. My heart though was torn. Partly I wanted to be swallowed up in the emotion of the moment. The other half wanted to run away from the pain that lay just beyond my reach. A pain born from past relationships gone bad. The battle within me raged on. What would I do? Would I face my fear and take another step down the road of my relationship with Cat, or would I turn and run away like the coward that I thought myself to be? Cautiously I moved in and tenderly kissed her. My whole body vibrated with electricity at that first touch of our lips. As she put her arms around my neck the kisses continued burning deep into my soul. I was so afraid I could barely think. We broke from our passion. Cat poured a bit of cold water on the moment when she said, "Now Jim I want you to understand that my sharing kisses with you doesn't mean we are going to sleep together tonight. It just means I want to get closer to you because my feelings for you are growing and I want to explore them with you. I don't know where they will lead, but I wanted you to know that things are changing between us. I think you agree. Or am I wrong?" I stared at her for a moment before giving my answer; "No you are quite right Cat. I have been wanting to kiss you for a long time, but didn't want to push things." "I know Jim, and I have appreciated your patience." Cat leaned in and kissed me again. "You have been worth the wait Cat." I hugged her close feeling her body comply. "I hope you still think that after we know each other better." "Me too." As twilight gave way to evening Cat and I made dinner and finished off my last bottle of wine - a Penfolds Bin 128 Coonawara Shiraz. By the time she left at 2am, she was stone cold sober, and I felt comfortable enough to let her drive home. I did get to share many more kisses which made me feel great, and yet wanting more when she left. I had tasted Cat. A taste of sensuality and passion. I knew then and there that no other woman would satisfy me ever again. Part 7 My relationship with Cat grew rapidly after that night. We tried to spend as much time together as our schedules allowed. We shared dinner at various restaurants around Canberra. Took long walks together so she could show me around town. One of the things I loved was that we were talking on a deeper level than before. It was great. Even better was the fact that my fears and obsessions hadn't raised their ugly heads yet. Sometimes I felt like the mythical two-faced god Janus was hunting me just so he could spoil my chance for happiness. I hoped he would stay out of my way. In mid December Cat and I made plans to go down to Bateman's Bay on Australia's southeastern shore where we would spend the week together on holiday. I was really looking forward to the trip so we could get away from Canberra for a while. Cat, on the other hand, was nervous about the trip though she wouldn't explain why. I just figured it was because she assumed I would want to sleep with her. I tried to calm her fears and told her that we would have adjacent rooms at the hotel. That helped somewhat, but I could still see some nervousness in her eyes. All I could do then was to hold her and re-assure her that we wouldn't do anything she didn't want to do. Cat told me she would trust me, but insisted we take her car for the journey. This gave her some measure of control over the situation too. The day we left was brilliant. It was warm at 30 degrees Celsius with a clear blue sky above. Cat took the wheel and we made our way down the King's Highway 52. Along the way, we passed wide open fields and thick jungle-like forest with huge ferns and thick vegetation of varied types. Cat explained some of what we saw as we passed by, but kept her focus on the road. Toward the end, I was glad she did because the highway became very twisted with a sharp drop-off of about a hundred meters on our right. Fortunately, we were driving on the left hand side of the road. We pulled in to Bateman's Bay just before dark, which gave us just enough time to check in to our motel. After unpacking, I went to her room where we shared a kiss. I wasn't sure whether it was the saltiness of the air or the warm breeze coming in off the ocean, but her kiss seemed sweeter to me. I wrapped her in my arms as I had done on many previous occasions and pulled her close. I took her head in my hands as we moved inside her room and closed the door for some privacy. Later we had a nice quiet dinner in the motel restaurant, which was delicious. We shared a bottle of wine and closed the place down several hours later. It wasn't a big deal as the restaurant traffic was light. We even had the owner sit down with us for a while when he heard my accent and wanted to know about Texas and America in general since he hadn't been able to travel there in some years. He had been there back in the 80's while on holiday with his wife. He said he liked Arizona the best with its people, the wide open desert, and its harsh beauty. He remembered seeing a huge rain storm come in over the desert and marveled at nature's awesome power. Having studied at Arizona State University, I had seen such storms many a time and appreciated their strength as well. They were indeed a beautiful sight. Finally, Cat and I turned in after sharing a good night kiss. We made plans to wake early and travel south along Highway 1 to a place Cat knew about called Bingie Point. Cat found a place to park her car and we took the short walk out to the point where I beheld the Pacific Ocean in all of its glory. Huge waves crashed against the seemingly unyielding shoreline that lay about 20 meters beneath us. I took a deep breath of the salt air and closed my eyes to listen to the power, which I was witnessing. I could feel the power of the ocean and all that lay beneath its surface. The salty air, the roar of the waves crashing against the shore, and the wind coming off the water flooded over my senses. Cat took my hand and we stood there enjoying the moment of connection with nature. We then walked down a path to the beach and took off our shoes to let our feet feel the white sand push up between our toes. Cat took off to the edge of the water with me trailing close behind. Cat and I splashed about for a while before walking on down the beach hand in hand. I looked over at Cat and saw her hair blowing wildly in the wind. The way the sunlight played with her hair made it seem like it was literally on fire. She turned to look at me and smiled warmly. She put her arm through mine and moved closer. About a half kilometer down the shoreline, we found a rock that we climbed upon and sat down. For a long time Cat watched the waves hit our rock causing a huge splash of water. Being a geologist by education, I looked around down at the rock we sat on, and left Cat alone with her thoughts. My own thoughts drifted into the archives of my brain wondering how this rock formed. Sometime later, I was brought out of my concentration by a sense that Cat needed my attention. Don't ask me how I knew. I just knew. She hadn't really gone anywhere, nor had I for that matter. It was just that we had been in our own little worlds for a time and then come back to reality. Cat reached out, took my hand, and said, "Jim, I need to tell you something, and I need you to listen to me." I knew she was serious by the tone in her voice so without saying a word I nodded and let her continue. "Jim, for a long time now I have been trying to tell you that I have secrets which may jeopardize our relationship." She closed her eyes in silence for a moment before opening them again. "Jim I also want you to know that whatever happens today I care about you more than I have let myself care about anyone in a long time. It is because of these feelings I have for you that I have to tell you that I am not who you think I am." "Cat . . . " "Please don't stop me now or I might not finish and I must get this out now. Oh God . . . this is harder than I thought." I remained silent giving her the time she needed and simply gave her hand a light squeeze. "Jim, I'm . . . I'm a man." She became utterly silent. My mind was buzzing. It was a strange sensation, and one I was unprepared to deal with now. Cat had dropped a bomb on me and I wasn't at all sure what I was going to do. Would I walk away from her never to see her again? Would I wrap my arms around her and tell her I loved her anyway? Would I do something in between? Was there even a middle ground to stand on? I turned to look off into the vast ocean which lay before us. I closed my eyes and let the roar of the waves crashing against the shore focus my thoughts. I know it sounds strange but the ocean has always had a calming effect on me, and right now I needed to calm down. I drew my knees up to my chest and buried my head in my arms. Slowly my thoughts crystallized. The image of beauty, silky red hair, and gorgeous green eyes along with her milky white skin, freckles and all, simply did not make sense anymore. Cat was a contradiction to me. On the one hand she was the very image of womanhood. Then there was the physical reality of her masculine anatomy. How could I resolve this in my head and, more importantly, in my heart? I was desperate for her and yet repulsed by the idea of her being a man. How could I continue this relationship now that I knew her secret? How could I go on without her? Him? It was clear that I was very confused. I don't know how long I was in my cave, but I slowly became aware of a soft voice calling me back to reality. It was her . . . I mean him. "Jim?" Cat called. "Please say something? Anything?" "I . . . " was all I could manage. Cat rested her hand on my shoulder causing me to pull away. The moment I did I looked into his eyes and knew I had hurt him. I saw that pain and my heart cried out within me. I was obviously torn, and I knew it had to be resolved so I could move on. The only problem was what would I do to reconcile my emotions? Cat's voice called out again. "Jim please talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking? Your silence is driving me crazy, and I need to know whether we have a future." Then I started to laugh. I knew it wasn't funny, but it was the only thing I could do. The whole thing was just something right out of a movie. As I watched Cat's face reflect his sadness and fear, he stood up and began to walk away. My laughter died quickly turning to desperation as I saw him leave. I rose to my feet and ran after him. When I caught up to him I grabbed his arm and turned him around to face me. "Cat, please stop a minute so I can talk with you." "Why? So you can laugh at me?" His words bit deep into my soul. He could not have hurt me more if he had slugged me. No doubt his way of striking back at me. I hung my head in shame but did not move away. "Jim, like it or not I have feelings for you. Do you know how long it took me to build up the courage to tell you my 'big secret'? Do you know the fear I have? To know I am falling for someone who could very likely beat the crap out of me when he finds out I am not who they think I am? The only reason I told you was because I thoug