SKIN DEEP - Urban Legend
Chapter Eight:
And In The End
by
Mark McDonald
I can't remember the atmosphere in the warehouse. I was rung out
like an old dishtowel. My breath came in shuddering gasps and I was
weeping uncontrollably. I have a dim memory winding my way in among
the boxes and racks of clothes as we had done just two nights ago
when I was a different person. That night I had wanted only to
return to the life that had been stolen from me. This night, I was
already grieving for what had been stolen and looking for a way to
pay the incalculable cost for my participation in that loss.
As I shuffled along, lead by the hand by Kit, I was dimly aware that
we had come into an opening, roughly in the center of the building
judging by the distance from the walls. There were faces I vaguely
remembered from some point in the recent past but I didn't
acknowledge them. Kit held my hand and kept me in place and I didn't
resist. Gary and I had become one of the urban legends you hear so
much about in cases like this. He was dead and my life was now
forever destroyed. It mattered little if I returned to being Mike
Vello or remained as Michelle, "Angel of Death." If anything, the
proper thing would be to be prevented from returning to my former
life to pay for Gary's.
I made up my mind to run out of the building and away from there
before the transmitter was activated. That way I would serve my life
sentence by losing my life as well and pay for it more dearly than
other prisoners. I would be trapped with the love of him whom I had
killed. I calculated when I might best make my break. Kit would try
to stop me, I felt certain of that. He felt I owed it to Gary to
carry on and do what he would have wanted, but how could I? I had
done this to him.
Kit turned to me and his eyes were red as he too had been grieving
at the loss of a friend. As we entered the space where his friends
and my acquaintances stood staring with odd, falsely-concerned
looks, Kit cleared his throat for attention. "Ah ... We ran into a
little trouble on the way here."
"You're a person light in your party, Kit." It was Rodney, spoken
with all the compassion of a true asshole. I suddenly wondered why
it had been Gary and not him that had died.
The voice of Mike spoke up inside my head and surprised me with his
accusation, "Because, Rod wasn't with you. If he had you might have
been able to kill him too you Bitch!" That started the water works
again and I hung my face in my hands and sobbed huge shuddering sobs
that racked my body from head to toe.
"He's dead," Kit responded. It has a flat statement but it hung
large in this empty room. I could hear it bounce off the walls for
what seemed like hours and to me it sounded like "He's Dead and she
killed him. He's Dead and it's her fault. He's Dead and if it
weren't for her he'd still be alive!"
There was a deep collective gasp and this time I did drop to my
knees, the strength running out of my legs as I no longer had the
will to stand. Kit finally let go of my hand. He knelt next to me
and tried to comfort me, but I shrugged him off. Giving up, he
stood, respecting my desire to be left alone.
Through my grief, I heard Rodney speaking. "It's not like we need
him anyway. This will still work without him."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Looking up in utter disbelief
as tears streaked my face, I felt as if my jaw had become unhinged.
I couldn't even continue to grieve I was so shocked. This guy was
supposed to be his friend.
"He ... he was your friend," I accused him.
"The goddess speaks. I liked the guy, but he got stupid. It happens
all the time. When you're raised in my family and my line of work
you see it everywhere. You've got to learn to get over it and be a
man, but then again, you're not are you?"
I've never felt so angry in my entire life; not before that and only
once since have I come close to feeling the way I did at that
moment. I made up my mind that Rodney would pay for getting all of
us into this mess-one way or the other, he would pay me for his
comments about Gary
I glared at him no longer afraid of what he felt he might be able to
do to me.
"What's wrong with you?" he asked, a slight smile on his face. I was
still on my knees and I looked around at the faces of others too see
if anyone of Gary's friends were going to help me kill this Italian
son of a bitch. Everyone was just smiling gently, everyone but Kit.
He looked as confused and angry as I felt. Any semblance of the laid
back Californian was gone.
Kit piped in before I could say a word. "What the fuck is wrong with
you people? You're acting like the guy was a fucking stranger to us.
If nothing else you can see Michelle is upset."
"It's happening to him too. He sees me as this girl and after only
an hour," I thought.
"Michelle is it? Got feelings for her do we Kit?"
"Back off Rod. This is not the time for your petty judgments. You
know what these things we're wearing can do to a person. She's a
girl, she's gonna behave like a girl. You say one more word and I'm
going to kill you myself."
"Whoa there partner," Rod said in a patronizing western accent.
"Cowboy's getting' all riled in defense of the women folk. Don't
worry Tex; ah don't mean no harm to the missus. No disrespect
Ma'am." Rodney bowed and removed a false hat, mocking us.
Kit step quickly over to him and grabbed up his shirt in his hand
and yanked him near. "I told you to shut up. A man's dead and me and
my friend are grieving over the loss even if the rest of you don't
give a shit.
My mind whispered, "Kill him Kit! Go ahead."
It was then I decided to make my break for the door. All I had to do
is get so far and then the signal wouldn't reach me. Then it would
be over.
I got up and bolted for the door and from behind me I heard Kit say,
"Wha...?"
I looked back to see how much of a jump I had gotten on him,
surprised at how fast I could move in this body. Just as I was
beginning to think I was going to get away, I hit something hard
with my face and body. Bouncing off with a surprised "Uh!", I landed
on my butt on the floor.
"Where the hell were you going in such a hurry?" a voice asked. It
was deep and soothing and I didn't want to be soothed; I was in pain
and I wanted to remain in pain forever. Gary was gone and I was
still here. 'Not Fair!' There was nothing fair about it after all. I
had been shown a love and a friendship that I knew I would never
again find, not as Mike and I knew not as the woman I was condemning
myself to be. It had been taken from me, ripped from my life and I
wanted nothing more than to have it and the man that brought it to
me back.. If I couldn't have that, I would have this body and I
would live in pain for all that I had lost. I was angry at that
soothing voice for trying to take my pain away too and for stopping
me.
To add to my confusion, my face and front were now wet. Whatever it
was that I had hit was soaking wet.
"Come, get up and let me hold you baby," the soft voice compelled me
to rise. I wanted to follow it so badly. It sounded so sweet and
caring. I stood, head hung low in deep pain.
"Baby?" My eyes flew open and I look forward. A large familiar tan
T-shirt was in front of my eyes. It was soaking wet. I wanted to
look up but didn't dare. I was only a foot or two away from the
person in front of me and if I looked up and was disappointed I
didn't think I would live through it.
"Gary?" I asked in a meek questioning voice.
A hand reached up and took my chin and lifted my head skyward -- and
there was his smiling countenance shining down on me.
"Did I miss anything?" he asked cheerfully.
I tackled him.
I remember all sorts of things going through my mind. I remember
laughing uncontrollably. I remember that when we hit the ground I
registered pain in my arms as they were crushed under our weight. I
remember thinking what a trifling thing the pain was to worry about.
What I did was kiss him everywhere, smothering him with my lips,
trying to drink him in to my body. Between kisses I started rambling
and babbling incoherencies at him. He would try to answer in between
gasps for breath.
"You're OK? Well of course you are, aren't you? You're here!"
"I ..."
"How did you get away? That's not important right now."
"Well ..."
"Gary I was so scared that I'd lost you"
"Nonsen ..."
"Don't you ever scare me like that again."
"Sorr ..."
"You talk to much Mr. Shipley do you know that?"
"Gee, I ..."
"Oh for Christ's sake shut up and kiss me!"
"Sure!"
After a long hard kiss I looked at him, smiled and said, "Blabber
mouth."
"Just can't shut me up," he replied with a smile.
Then something dawned on me. "Gary, the cops! When they don't find
your body they start searching the warehouses along the bay. We've
got to get out of here, now!"
"What's going on back there?" someone shouted. It sounded like Rod.
Then I heard Kit ask angrily, "You mean you knew and you just let
her sit there and cry."
"They knew you were OK?" I asked. I was hurt. They had all let me
believe he was dead.
"They didn't tell you?" He seemed confused.
"No. I was running away thinking that you were dead. I just couldn't
have gone back and been happy Gary, so I was going to take this body
as my own and be the girl that loved you."
Gary looked disappointed. "I told you what you were supposed to try
to do. Why don't you ever listen to me?"
"What do you mean you TOLD me what to do?"
"Uh oh ..."
"'Uh oh' is right!"
Gary stammered, "Can we talk about this later?"
"Just because I wear my pants a little tighter than you, that
doesn't mean you can order me around."
"A little tighter?" he asked.
"Never mind. I just want you to understand some ..."
"Michelle? We really have to get moving here. We're safe for the
moment, but they'll get that HOV out of muck before long and we have
to be out of here before then."
"Right, we'll pick this up later, lets leave," I said and started to
get up to make my way to the door.
"No!"
"Huh?" I asked surprised.
"Not leave, not like this."
"Gary, please we don't have time to argue about this."
"It won't take any longer than it would for them. Let's go. It's
time Mike came home to stay."
"No!"
"Michelle."
"I said no. I won't lose you again."
"I'm going back. This guy you see here is wanted in connection with
a missing persons case. If I stay like this then one day they'll
capture me and you'll loose me anyway. Forever."
"But ..."
He came close to me and held me. "You see it has to be this way.
Don't you?"
"God damn it!" I shouted and stomped my foot on the floor. "I love
you Gary. That's gotta count for something."
He said nothing, just looked at me sadly and I knew I had to go back
too. I knew that I would feel better about it in a few days once I
was male again. It would be as if I had never felt these things. Yet
I was happy with him and I wanted that to go on forever.
"Let's go before I change my mind," I acquiesced as I moved away
from his embrace for the last time as Michelle. We never really had
a name for him. He was just my Gary and afterward, after the change
back, I'm not sure he would ever lose his feeling for Michelle. That
would be his prison. He was going from male to male. I guess I was
the unknown card in the deck.
I made my way back into the clear space in the center of the
warehouse. Gary had tried to catch up with me and take my hand but
when I was unresponsive he gave up. I didn't need any more
encouragement for a relationship that wasn't going to live more than
a few more minutes at most. Yet I was badly torn. I could feel
myself screaming to get out of this girl's body, but my emotions
were clouding my judgment.
I tried to think of the things I'd be going back to and that helped.
Singing with the band in front of a crowd of people was the biggest
thrill I've had until all this. Putting the Klingon in her place for
all the crap she said in the papers would be an adventure too.
However, once I started thinking about it, I felt sorry for her.
Perhaps I had been too hard on her. Maybe she was just a girl in
love-like me; just wanting to be wanted. I discovered that it was a
desperately insecure feeling. I could get next to that and
sympathize with her.
Gary, much to my dismay had been right again; I had to go back. As I
accepted that, I began to loose some of that helpless feeling. It
would take time to get over it, but I knew that in a couple of days,
with a healthy dose of testosterone, I would begin to feel more like
my old self. It seemed I was taking some valuable lessons with me
though, things I couldn't tell if I would want to remember or not
later on.
I stopped in the middle of the room and Gary pulled up next to me. I
noticed that we were standing very close to where we had first come
in contact with our new personas just two days ago, when, shaken and
scared, I had looked up to see the face of my friend. "Whassss
Uuuupp?" he had asked then and now, standing next to him, I took his
hand, looked up to him and mouthed the words, "Thank you."
It was the last thing Michelle and Gary/Tonto would share. It would
have to do.
"Is everybody Ready?" Rod hollered like some sideshow barker at the
Fall Carnival. "Step right up ladies and gentlemen. It's the most
amazing transformation you've ever seen. Watch as, before your very
eyes, we change this lovely young lass right here from a woman in
love to a much-loved male rock singer. Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!" I
almost couldn't suppress the giggles at the thought.
Then Rod announced, "Everyone ... strip."
I looked around in confusion. "You're joking, right?"
"Um, no. You have to strip, get naked so to speak. You don't want
anything between you and the code transmission do you?"
"Well ... I ... I can't do that," I protested.
"Why?" Rod asked.
Then Gary stepped in. "Look Rod, isn't there another way?"
"I don't make the rules my friend. The book says no clothing between
you and the signal. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Ziltch. Zippo ..."
"OK ... OK ... I get it. Let me think." I looked at him hopefully
while he thought. He had proved good at it and I was hoping for one
more such repeat performance.
"What's the big deal?" Rod asked. "Anyone here who's never seen a
naked girl before?"
No one answered.
"Gary?" I whispered, but it seemed he'd drawn a blank. "Shit! I
don't want to undress in front of them." I also noticed that none of
them seemed too eager to undress before me. All but Rod that is- who
was already taking off his shoes.
Then Gary had an idea, "Rod, what about if we all turn our backs?
Will that make a difference?" I could feel my face brighten. It
would offer me some modesty.
"Gary, you are such a party pooper. Do you know that? Aren't you the
least bit interested in what this girl looks like under all that
tight clothing before she's gone? You spent all weekend with her,
you can't tell me you didn't think about it."
He ignored Rod and turned to the others. "You guys mind?"
Everyone murmured their agreement. No one minded. As if it were
possible, I felt even deeper love for Gary which is something I
didn't need at that moment, but I seemed helpless to control it.
"Thanks again."
"Sorry I couldn't do better," was all he said.
The guys turned around, one by one, and Gary stood and faced them to
make sure they didn't turn around while I undressed. I heard him
tell Rod to turn around once and Rodney mumbling about what a pussy
Gary had suddenly become and then asking if maybe whipped was more
like it.
Again he ignored Rod but when I looked to the side I could see
Gary's fists opening and closing. I touched his arm to assure him
that everything was OK and continued to undress. Last to undress was
Gary. He turned with his back to the circle and said, "Ready."
For just a brief moment I clutched against the fear that this might
hurt as much as entering into this bargain had on Friday night.
"10, 9, 8, 7, 6 ..."
I reached out and took Gary's hand for just a second and let it go,
mouthing the words, "Good bye," and shedding one single tear. Then I
turned and faced forward waiting for the pain, not knowing if it
would come or not.
"5, 4, 3, 2, 1."
And it was over.
As I looked around there were the guys I remembered I had come to
this place with two days ago. At their feet were small piles of ash.
They were all brushing the stuff off themselves.
Then I noticed that the proportions of the room were wrong. Gary
still seemed tall to me. Hell they all did. It was a curious
feeling. I started to bush the ash off as the others were doing and
I turned smiling to Gary. I saw his face precisely at the same time
my hand brushed some fleshy protrusion on my chest.
I felt the blood run from my face as I watched the same thing happen
to Gary. It was a most surreal experience, I can assure you. Looking
down, I saw breasts. There was no small pile of ash on the floor. My
hair tumbled from behind my head and over my shoulders.
I could only think of one thing to say. "Gary?"
In an equally confused tone, Gary asked "Michelle?" and I had to
stifle an hystierical laugh that was bubbling up inside me as I
thought to myself, 'Doctor Livingston I presume?"
"Don't call me that," I demanded weakly.
I could feel the terror growing inside me. Everyone had gone back to
their original form; everyone but me, that was. My brain was trying
to overload me with information, crap like "transmitters are a
single use device," "out of signal range" and "damage results in
permanent confinement." My brain had suddenly become an agent for
the enemy and it was trying to make me panic.
"Rodney? What the hell did you do?" It was Gary and he was charging
Rod's position at the head of the circle.
I was in shock. I had fully expected to be out of Michelle and back
as Mike, but as I explored, not a bit of Michelle was gone.
"Nothing. I didn't do anything wrong. Everyone else is out Gary.
Wait!"
Then everyone was talking at once.
"Rod, What the hell went wrong?" Gary asked.
"I don't know? I'm checking," Rod snarled back.
"Someone want to get her something to cover up with?" Kit suggested.
"Don't call me that," I said weakly.
"I think I swallowed my gum," Norm said adding little to the
conversation.
"Here's something," Frank offered. "Ah, a box of curtains. Shit this
place has everything."
"Unit four out of phase!" Rod muttered squinting at the device.
"What?" Gary and I asked in unison.
"Unit four out of phase!" Rod repeated loud enough to be heard
clearly.
"Here Michelle, take this!" Frank said as he handed me some heavy
thermal curtains.
"Don't call me that!" I snapped.
"Keep it down everyone," Gary pleaded. "I can't hear what Rod's
saying."
"Shit, you look like you're going to pass out," Kit noted and passed
me a bottle of something. "Here. Drink some of this."
"What the fuck does that mean?" Gary demanded.
"I don't know," was Rod's response.
"Does anyone know if gum is harmful?" Norm asked only to be told to
shut up by everyone.
"What's that?" I asked, turning back to Kit.
"Well you'd better find out Rod and get him the hell out of that,"
Gary said through clenched teeth, fists balling and un-balling in
frustration.
"Vodka." Kit offered.
"I'm trying. I'm trying," Rod whined.
"Don't try Rod. DO IT!" Gary demanded, torn between beating the crap
out of Rod and encircling me with a protective arm.
"Come over here and sit down," Frank suggested.
"Someone want to get Michelle a chair?" Kit called out to which I
screamed, "I said DON'T CALL ME THAT!"
"Ah, a menu, cool," Rod sighed with relief. "OK, error messages for
transactions!"
"What's it say?" Gary asked.
"Hold on," Rod muttered in irritation as he poked at the device.
"Here, your uh ... your thing is showing." It was Frank, telling me
something. "No, ah ... your breast. There that's better!"
"Thanks," I said, covering up.
"OK here it is!"
"What?" Gary asked.
"I said I found it," Rod responded with relief.
"Look, will everybody please SHUT THE HELL UP?" Gary roared.
Everyone shut up. We all looked in stunned silence at where Gary, my
old friend Gary, and Rod now stood staring at the display on the
transmitter.
"So what's that mean?"
"'Physical structure in unit four not of original configuration.
Unable to process genetic decoding algorithm. Unit four out of
phase.' I think it means that the unit is damaged in some way."
"Damaged? You mean the chip?"
"No I mean her," he said and pointed to me.
"Look, don't call me that any God damn more, please," I begged. I
just wanted what everyone else had gotten -- their lives back, my
manhood back.
"Tell me about that Rod. Would you please?" Gary asked, "Because I'm
not sure I understand just what the hell you're telling me."
"Look, the way I understand it is like this. If you're in one of
these skins and do something to it -- you know, modify it -- then it
can't undo the configuration. It works on an algorithm. If the
genetic structure is changed, the stored mathematical equation used
to piece it back to the original genetic code doesn't match. It
doesn't know how to rebuild the original structure because it isn't
sure what's different.
Most of us just looked at each other as if we didn't understand.
Then Gary asked, "You're saying if one of the other of us had, Oh I
don't know, cut ourselves. You're saying that those damn things
wouldn't have come off?" He looked pissed. I was trying not to look
worried.
"No, no, no. Cuts heal. As soon as the cut had healed the skin would
have burned itself out. If you were within range of the transmitter
when it was activated, that is. I'm talking about an operation or
something like that where you take an organ or part of an organ.
Those things don't ever regenerate. That kind of stuff."
"I don't understand. Why isn't Mikey changing back then?" Gary
asked.
"I'm not cut anywhere," I said. "Why?"
"She did something to herself. That's what the display says," Rod
insisted and held the transmitter for us to see again, as if for
evidence.
"It's a bug! It's gotta be. Can you bypass the error?" Frank asked.
"There's always a manual override on things like this."
Rod looked at him sternly. "Man Frank, you really should stay away
from the Scifi VIDs from now on. That crap is for Hollywood. This is
computer science. The error messages just let you know what you have
to fix and it make it right."
"So, how the hell do we fix this?" I asked. I searched their faces
looking for hope. There was none to be found there.
Then Gary said, "Mikey, the wall!"
I knew what he was getting at, "I didn't even bruise when that
happened." I hoped I was right.
"What wall, Rod asked.
"When we were sneaking back into my dorm room the first night, Gary
was helping me in through the back window, I slipped and slammed
against the wall. It knocked the breath out of me."
"I don't think that would have caused this problem. No, even if
you'd broken a bone, it would heal and you'd be out after that. It
might take a month or so but you'd be out right after it healed. The
system would know that the unit wasn't out of phase -- unless it
didn't heal right or something, I guess. Besides, you'd have known
if you'd broken a bone. It would still hurt like hell, even if it
was a hairline fracture. Do you think?..." Rod asked looking to me.
"No, I was a little sore the next morning, but not too bad." I was
mostly relieved. That was the most traumatic thing that had happened
to me since I put this damned thing on. So perhaps it could be fixed
and I could get the hell out of this. It was Gary that dashed all my
hopes.
"Oh my God!" Came a whisper. I did not see him say the words, but I
knew it was Gary that had whispered them. When I looked up at him,
he looked as if he was about to cry. That scared me.
"I'm sorry!" he said and was coming over to me, kneeling down and
taking my head in his hands. "It's my fault! Oh Mikey," he covered
his face and gasped. "Oh God, I'm so sorry! Please forgive me. I
didn't know."
"Gary? Please. You're scaring me!" We were forehead to forehead and
now he was crying so I took his hands as they clasped my face.
"What's your fault? I don't understand." My heart was pounding so
hard I just knew it was going to burst.
"Think about it."
I tried, but I had suffered no injury. I didn't hurt anything at
all, let alone something that would cause percent damage.
Then I thought of it -- or what I thought was it. I whispered to him
so only he could hear, "But I'm not pregnant Gary. That can't be
it!" I insisted, but I was no longer so sure of myself. I supposed
that those tests could fail.
He was shaking his head no.
Gary leaned in close. He pushed the hair away from my ear and
brought his lips in toward the side of my head.
I looked up at the other guys standing around. Most of them had
dressed as this episode was unfolding. I could see they were just as
confused at the spectacle as I was. It was almost obscene the way
Gary leaned in to me, I could see that in their eyes.
Then it did click and the hopelessness of my situation dawned on me.
I started crying with him as he whispered, "Your virginity."
He drew me in tight and held me, rocking me very gently while the
others looked on, confused and self-conscious. Every so often he
would offer another apology to me and I would chant from time to
time, "This can't be happening. Please God. Don't let this happen to
me," but it changed nothing. In my heart I knew he was right. A girl
is only a virgin once, because hymens don't heal.
After some time we released our embrace. Gary swept my hair out of
my face with his hand. I let him run his hand down the side of my
face. I guess I sort of nuzzled his hand in return with my cheek. I
needed contact at that moment as I had never felt so alone in my
life and Gary's touch brushed away some of that emptiness away.
"Gary? Please tell me we can fix this," I pleaded. "This can't be
the end of the road. Come on!" There was a desperate edge to my
voice. Time was ticking by and I was still a girl. Slowly the
conviction grew in my head that I was still going to be a girl five
minutes from now, five hours from now, five days, five months, and
five years from now and....
Blind, black panic filled me. I stared at all of them, and all I saw
was sad eyes in return, except from Rod. He seemed to be enjoying
this a little too much.
"Please. This can't be happening. JESUS, I'M NOT SPENDING THE REST
OF MY LIFE LIKE THIS!" I pleaded for help from those around me.
Nothing. Every one of them had gone back to their lives and left me
here alone.
I reached over to Gary and clung to his shirt, "GAAARRRRYYY,
PLEEEAAASSSEEEE! HELP ME!" No words, only despair in his eyes that I
could not erase from my vision.
"Oh God, NO!" I was up now on my feet and hysterical. "NO!" I
shouted with righteous indignation at the top of my lungs. "Please
God. Please."
I was told later that I had been clutching my belly. I remember
feeling sick, very sick to my stomach, like I was going to vomit and
pass out. That would have been a blessing, but I didn't.
"What did I do to deserve this?"
I looked at Gary, "Gary? Please help me. I can't live like this. You
all went back. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I have a life!
God Damn it! I have a LIFE! Somebody help me, please?" I stood
pleading to the helpless faces of people who could not help me.
I started tearing at my flesh. "Out! I want OUT OF THIS BODY,
PLEEAAASSSEEE!" I was really intent on doing some serious harm. I
wanted out, but Gary and Kit were on me before I could do much
damage at all apart from scratching my chest with my nails. I
collapsed into Kit's arms. My sobs were now coming in those
screaming, face numbing hysterics you sometime see in very small
children who have become convinced that everything that makes up
their universe is about to collapse and they will have to stand and
watch it happen, powerless to stop it.
Kit eased me to the back to the floor, talking softly to me. I don't
remember what was said, but whatever he did was enough to calm me
and keep me from hurting myself. He admitted later that, after all
that had happened since he picked me up near my now former home, he
was having trouble identifying me with Mike Vello; that he saw a
girl in distress and he acted. I do remember he covered me back up
and made sure I was warm.
"Well, I hate to have to be the one to say it but I think the bitch
got exactly what she deserved." It was Rod. Gary was up with
lighting speed. I would never have thought he was capable of such
force and speed, but he was up and away from me and all over Rod in
an instant.
"Oooofffff," Rod exhaled as Gary's right fist sunk deeply into his
stomach.
"Once again Rodney, you fucked us up by withholding important
information!" Gary was about as mad as I've ever seen him. For a
moment I had forgotten my problems. I was too caught up in the
surprise and fierceness of Gary's attack.
"Wait, WAIT..." Rod was pleading as Gary hoisted him up by the
shirt, "What the fuck are you talking about. I didn't do anything!
Jesus Christ Gary, put me down!"
"I'm gonna break all the teeth in your fucking head Rodney and stuff
each one up your snotty little nose. That's just for starters. Then
I'm gonna rip you're cock off and shove it down your fucking
throat!"
He threw Rod. I don't mean just tossed him; little ole' Gary
launched Rod into the air.
"OOOOOOhhhhh!" Rod yelled as he flew. I knew I was gawking, but I
couldn't help it. I had never seen Gary act like this before. Tears
rolled onto my upper lip. I could feel them hang there, but I
couldn't take my eyes off of what was happening.
"Didn't you think that something like this was important? Any one of
us could be trapped in one of those damn things right now. Look at
Mike. How the fuck would you like it if I went and found another
female skin, and put it on you? Would you like that? Maybe bust up
the transmitter! Yeah! Frank, get me one of those nice looking
female skins. Rod needs a make over!"
"Fuck you," Rod screamed and was up and running.
"Grab 'em," Gary yelled, but no one complied.
"What's your problem?" Rod screamed at Gary, after he was a safe
distance away.
"That's my best friend! You've fucked up his entire life," Gary
screamed back.
"Just how the hell did I do that? I didn't even see you guys this
weekend."
"Rod. If we had known ... if we had known ... if we had just
known...." he said but it no longer had force to it. He sounded weak
and defeated.
Rod's eyes popped open and he whispered. "You fucked her! That's
what she meant about not being pregnant. She wasn't kidding was
she?" he sounded disgusted and it made me feel sick to my stomach.
Vindicated, Rod set the transmitter on a box near me and stood up to
take the offensive in this fight.
"Made, love," Gary insisted, but I could see no one believed he
meant it. For the first time I could see he was ashamed of what he
had done. The tears from the knowledge of that shame burned worse
than any, before or since. I understood why he felt that way, but
that didn't mean I had to like it.
Rod ignored me. He sneered at Gary. "I don't think that's my fault,
Gary," he said pointing at me on the floor. "It sounds like it's
your fault. You even said so, remember? You shouldn't fuck your
friends. Fucking pervert!"
With that, Gary was off again, but Frank and Kit stopped him. Both
were shouting at him, "That's not gonna help Mikey, Gary." They
grabbed him by the arms and looked him straight in the eye and just
shook their heads "no" as Rod recoiled from the lunge. Gary cradled
his head in his hands.
I was alone, forgotten on the floor with a curtain around me for
warmth and modesty. It looked like I was going to have to wear my
prison after all. Slowly, I gathered up the clothes that lay around
me on the floor, the ones I had worn in, the panties, bra, shorts
and top. I pulled them under the curtain and began putting them back
on. I hated every moment of it, because they were my clothes now. On
the box next to me I noticed the transmitter. I snuck a hand out and
pulled it beneath the drape I was covered in.
Frank and Kit walked Gary over to a chair and set him down. They had
all moved away from me. Guys and their circle of friends-everything
I had ever been told about this exclusive clique had been true! I
just hadn't seen the truism from the inside.
Rod was trying to talk Gary down and keep him from killing him, but
he still kept his distance. I could no longer hear what they were
saying, but I discovered that I didn't really care either.
Getting up, I managed to find my deck shoes. Slipping them on, I
made my way toward the door. No one saw me leave, which was just as
well as I didn't want to talk to anyone anyway. I was no longer a
part of their group. They were comforting themselves; licking their
wounds like a pack of dogs I guess you'd say. I just wanted to get
out of there.
As I moved out into the night, I noticed that I was getting quite
used to the way this body felt. I guess that was a good thing as it
seemed I was going to be living in it for quite a while. I only
heard Gary call my name out once before I was away from the
warehouse.
"Micheellllllle!"
I started to run at the sound of it. I heard footfalls behind me for
a brief distance, but I was faster and before long there was no one
following. I didn't see Gary again for another 48 hours.
Homeless, I spent that first night under an overpass about a mile
west of my old room. The air was warm and I able to get some sleep
about an hour before sunrise.
In the morning, sadness turned to rage. I could imagine them all
back in their homes, sleeping in their beds back in their own
bodies, enjoying their own lives. As the first day wore on, fury
gave way to wave after wave of despair.
My mind was still struggling with the idea that this was now
permanent, that now I would never be a husband but instead a bride.
The idea of man versus maiden spiraled around in my head and dazed
me with it finality.
Women and men are comfortable and happy, for the most part, with
their lot in life because they know no other condition. We have no
other frame of reference to draw upon. Guys love being guys because
they grow up finding the experience well suited to their physical
make up and mental attitude about themselves and those around them.
Men enjoy the dominant attitude of their physical being, standing to
piss, invader versus invadee during sex. The point is that men
completely associate their existence as masculine, anything else is
more than unacceptable, it's a down right disability. That's exactly
how I felt, as if I had been hobbled -- as though I was now inferior
to my previous incarnation.
I spent a second night out under the overpass. All I had were the
shorts and light top I had worn the night I ran away. I was cold and
filled with hate. I was hungry and wanted to kill. Most of all, I
was scared and pitiful. I didn't sleep. I hid behind a clump of
bushes afraid that one of the many homeless men might find me there.
I hated my body, but I wasn't ready to die just yet -- or worse --
and that was what my world had been reduced to.
Rod had said it best that Friday night in the warehouse. "The world
has just become a very different place for you and you'd do well to
remember that." I knew that rape was now a very real possibility,
not because I was now female, but because I was a homeless female. I
had been blessed/cursed with a body that was to die for and if I
wasn't careful that was exactly what I would wind up doing. I knew
this because I had been male. I knew what my kind was capable of. I
knew guys that hit girls. Hell I knew two guys that hit women
because it gave them a hard-on. I remembered very clearly how Rod,
as a very small Chinese youth, had leaped on me and over-powered me
in the time it took me to blink.
All this was made worse by the fact that I couldn't stop thinking
how close I had come to getting out of this mess, out of this body.
Twenty hours for God sake, and now I'd never be rid of it. I was
locked inside this body forever. Hell, I couldn't even use another
skin to get my masculinity back - even if it was as another person.
This was the end of the road.
The one time I stepped outside the lines and this is what happens. I
had been a by-the-book kind of guy. I never challenged authority. I
never cheated. I never took shortcuts. If somebody gave me too much
change on my credit chip when I bought something; I always gave it
back -- always. Guys like Rod and Gary and Kit; they never did shit
like that. They kept the money. They always stepped outside what I
saw as the limits of right and wrong and nothing ever happened to
them. I do it once and I get stuck with being a girl for the rest of
my fucking life? It was not fucking fair!
This was not what I had wanted for myself. All my college credit was
gone. I couldn't go home. The cold seemed colder in this body, less
body fat I supposed. My identity had been stolen from me, my talent,
my band, my entire life.
Gary had the last of my tuition money. I was grateful that he had
taken that cash chip out when we left. I was going to need it. I had
to leave this place. I could no longer stay here in this town with
all the things Mike had known always around to remind me of that
which I could no longer have, my life. At least I had some cash --
and this broken transmitter.
I cradled the transmitter in my hands. Maybe, given time, I could
find someone that could reverse what had happened to me. Who had it
been -- a historical figure as I recall -- that was famous for
saying, "Keep Hope Alive." That's what I had to do now -- keep hope
alive.
When the sun came up I made my way over to a corner-fueling depot
and inside I found the restrooms. I started to go into the men's
room and stopped cold. First, I examined the features of the symbol
on that door. Then I looked at the symbol on the women's room door
and my future as I slowly removed my hand from the handle of the
men's room and opened the door to the ladies' room.
It was just a public rest room, but I felt out of place here, as
thought I might be exposed as a fake at any time. There were no
urinals, just stalls, but it smelled cleaner than most public
restrooms I had been in. That was a small plus, but hey, I was
takin' what I could get these days.
Moving to the mirror, I saw that my reflection was a hideous thing.
My hair was wet and pasted to my scalp. I seemed too pale to be
healthy. My clothes were dirty. Hell, I was dirty - and I was
starting to stink. Yuck!
I took another look around the room and saw a handicapped stall,
"Thank God," I muttered. Entering the stall, I locked the door
behind me and turned around to examine it and it was more than I
could have hoped for: a sink, a toilet and, on the wall, an air
powered hand dryer.
I quickly began to strip off my clothes, no longer self-conscious
about being in the girls' restroom. I only wanted to be clean.
Quickly, I filled the sink with warm water, dumped a little soap
from the dispenser into it and stuffed my clothes and underwear deep
into the water. Then I gave them a quick squeeze here and there and
then let them soak.
I relieved myself, which I had done precious little of out in the
open where I just couldn't get used to squatting and peeing. I had
tried the night before and quickly found out that it's best to
position yourself on a grade so that the urine flows away from you
as moving out of the way once squatted is quite difficult. It seemed
much easier just to hold it until I simply couldn't any longer. As a
result of the experience, I had developed a deep sympathy for girls
that went out on long drives with guys that took for granted that
they could just whip it anywhere and pee while leaving their dates
to suffer in the car -- a lot of times with a bunch of other people
if they were in their teens out watching the submarine races.
Thinking back, I guess I had been guilty of that a few times myself.
Things like that just don't hit you until the high-heeled shoe is
suddenly glued to the other foot.
Using large quantities of paper towels, I washed my face and arms
and then went to work on any other place that needed washing. After
I had finished working on myself, I rinsed my clothes, rung them out
as best I could. It didn't work very well. When I had been male, I
used to do this in a pinch and it seemed I was able to get my
clothes so much dryer. I then activated the dryer and dried out my
underwear and put those back on. Next my shorts and top were dried.
Lastly I washed my hair. I used the soap from the dispenser again as
I had no other choice. Even with the harsh soap from the dispenser,
my hair still felt unnaturally soft afterwards. I shivered a bit as
a thought raced though my mind, "genetic perfection." I was
scientifically engineered. Why shouldn't my hair be perfect?
I was an abomination, a 'Vision of the Master Race.' The thought
flashed through my mind as I looked at myself in the mirror and a
shiver went through me. Shaking those thoughts off, I dried my hair
in the blow dryer. I had been here maybe half an hour.
Over the sound of the dryer and through the bathroom door I could
hear music that sounded distantly familiar being pumped in though
the stations ceiling speakers. When the dryer quit and I walked out
into the station I heard my voice, Mike's deep masculine voice,
floating down from the speakers.
Never meant to hurt you
But now I know have
Gonna stay right up here, girl
Till I find what I once had
Taken on the snow now
That falls without your love
Everything is cold here
Dead without your love
I was absolutely floored and I started jumping up and down, pointing
at the speakers and squealing, "THAT'S ME! THAT'S ME!
OHMYGODTHAT'SME!"
Livin' on a mountain top
Up here all alone
Waitin' on a miracle
But all my miracles are gone
Come and save me from myself girl
Now I see what I've undone
Come and me whole girl
Come and take me home
There were two people at the counter and one behind it. All three
stopped to look at me as I continued to dance around and scream.
"AAAAHHHHH. I can't God damn believe it. EEEEEEEEEE!"
I ran over the lady standing second in line and grabbed her sleeve
and shook her, "Do you hear that? That's ME!"
"Who's you?" the lady said politely but looking very distressed that
like she was being mugged as she extracted her sleeve from my hand.
"That song. It's me. Me and my band," I said. I must have been
looking at her as if she had lost her mind.
She asked, "Are you playing one of the instruments?"
"Noooo. I sing."
"Dear, that's the poor boy who's missing. That can't be you, can
it?"
Again, that sick feeling of being disconnected from reality swept
over me. My voice was being broadcast over the radio. I was a
success and I would never be able to enjoy it.
"Do you mean you sing harmony, Dear?" she asked.
My heart was broken. I can only imagine the look of despondency on
my face as I looked stupidly about the room at the confused faces
that stared back at me. I responded in dreary voice with my head
hung down, "Yeah, whatever!" and turned and left.
The man behind the counter spoke up, "Do you need help Miss? Hey,
don't leave."
I didn't respond. I walked out and let the glass door of the station
shut behind me. With no other choices, I walked off toward Gary's
house to get what was left of my money and get the hell out of this
town. Maybe I'd stop by and see my Mom and Dad one last time, not
talk to them mind you, just see them one last time?
I called Gary's house early in the morning and reversed the charges
on the call. It was only a couple of dollars, not much, and if they
didn't take the call, well I was no worse off than before. I didn't
want Gary's Mom or Dad seeing me the way I looked, either, so I
found one of those old phone-style communications devices in a
booth.
After several rings, Karen answered. I had hoped beyond hope that it
would have been Gary, but he wasn't at home. Karen told me he was
having an interview with the police about my disappearance and I
could feel my gore rise in my throat. I just knew I was going to get
sick right there, but I managed to keep it in check and force myself
to calm down. Then I tried to extract as much information as
possible from Gary's Mom without raising suspicion.
"I'm sure this is a very hard time for all of you," I told her.
"Especially poor Gary."
I tried to sound as sympathetic as I could considering I was
expressing condolences for myself. At least once I had the urge to
break out in hysterical laughter at the idea that I was offering
sympathy for a dead guy that wasn't dead at all.
"Yes, it's very sad, but we're all confident that he'll turn up
soon," she told me.
"Don't hold your breath!" I thought.
"I do hope he does," I responded aloud. "Listen, I don't want to
seem insensitive about this. I know it must be taking a toll on
Gary, but the reason I called ..."
"Yes?" she asked and waited.
"I ... I left my purse somewhere and I was hoping that it was when
Gary and I were out the other night. I was hoping that perhaps he
had found it and still had it."
"I'll ask him when he gets back, but I'm sure he would have
mentioned it. He did want me to get a number or an address where you
could be reached if you called though. So perhaps he does have it
after all. Is there someplace he can reach you?"
I had no answer for her. I couldn't very well go to their house
dressed in her old clothing, dirty and after sleeping out in open
for the last two days -- if you can call what I had been doing at
night sleeping. I didn't want to tell her to have Gary meet me
anywhere either since I didn't know what Gary's state of mind was
right now and I didn't want to temp the fates and make another
mistake that might cost me my freedom in addition to what I had
already lost. What I wanted was to take time to talk to him over the
VID first, before we met someplace if I could. Then I wanted to
impress upon him the need to take care in the things he said to
others and to make sure our stories were on the same page. Most of
all I wanted to make sure he wasn't followed.
I was sure that all my friends were under some cloud of suspicion by
the police. I didn't know if my new face had shown up on any of
those ATM photos but I didn't want to find out the hard way. The way
I saw it, I was already being punished enough. I didn't want to wind
up in women's prison on top of it all.
"I tell you what. I'll try to call him later. I won't be able to be
easily reached for most of the week," I said finally.
"Well, if you're sure. I mean it is your purse and all. I know how
panicked I'd be if I lost mine," she said sounding perplexed.
"I'll call tonight, I do want my purse back, but I'm sure I left it
with Gary. I'm doing stuff like that all the time so I'm used to
it." That seemed to reassure her somewhat.
I said my good-byes, responded to her expressed hope that we would
meet soon and disconnected the phone. Looking around at the early
afternoon I seemed so far from where I used to live at the dorm
building, yet, as risky as it was, I just couldn't help the feeling
that I needed to go there to see what was happening. I didn't think
anyone would really notice one young disheveled-looking girl
watching a police investigation. If there was one even still going
on that is.
I crossed the street in the same place Gary and I had first crossed
when we reappeared in the world as I was now. No one seemed to take
much notice of me this time unlike before when I had playfully
flirted with other girls' husbands and boy friends. Although I had
done a pretty good job of cleaning up, I imagined that in the bright
sun light people could see things I had missed in the light of a
dimly lit convenience store restroom.
I walked along, somewhat self-conscious about my appearance, and
curious about what I might find going on around my building. As a
result, I was distracted and not paying attention to where I was
going when I slammed into someone walking in the opposite direction.
"Oh!" I exclaimed and staggered backwards trying to maintain my
balance.
"Shit!" he said surprised by the sudden contact.
"Uh Oh!" I lost my balance and toppled over backward, landing hard
on my fanny.
Click. I could hear the sound of my teeth slam together and the
faint echo it made against the wall of the building as the sound
bounced back. I was very lucky my tongue hadn't been between them
when they came together.
"Ooooohhhhh! That hurt," I moaned. I leaned over and rubbed one
cheek of my fanny.
I could hear the guy I had bumped into starting to say, "Ouch! Hey,
I'm sorry." He looked down to see who it was he had just clobbered.
"Oh shit! MIKE ... MICHELLE!"
My head snapped up to see who had spoken, but I already recognized
the voice. It was Gary. My heart leaped at the sight of him, in
spite of my anger at him and pity for myself and before I could stop
myself, I smiled.
"Oh my God, I've been looking everywhere for you," he said. He
sounded excited, rushed and half-crazy with distress. "Jesus, where
the hell have you been? Why the hell haven't you called me? I have
to tell you, I'm more than just a little bit pissed off at you."
"You are?" I asked. "And just what entitles you to be pissed with
me?"
"I ... ah, err ..." he stuttered as a look of confusion spread
across his face. "Why, because I ca ... care about what happens to
you, that's what," he responded defensively. "Here. Give me your
hand. Let me help you up." He reached out to me, but I refused to
take his hand. It hurt a bit to start out this way. My heart wanted
me to throw my arms around him and hug him hard, but what was left
of my male pride was standing between my now female heart and Gary.
The pride was winning. I managed to slowly get up without Gary's
help and then I stood there brushing myself off while Gary
continued.
"Are you OK? God, you look like shit." I just looked at him with a
surprised look on my face, eyebrows raised. "Not that I ... I
mean.... Well, that's not what I meant. You look great. Aw hell, you
know what I mean, God damn it."
I just stood and regarded him.
"Come on. Say something, for Christ's sake!"
"Life sucks! I am a woman for the rest of my life. I've lost
everything. I have no ID, no home, no money and no food. I scared,
cold and hungry. Other than that, I'm doin' pretty good pal. How's
that? What the hell do you want me to say? I've adjusted well? The
God damned ride isn't over for me Gary. How the hell am I supposed
to feel about that?"
I tried to pace off some of the anxiety that was building. "Am I OK?
No," I said, pacing a bit more and then I got in his face and added,
"Fuck No, OK? I'm not OK. OK?"
"OK! I got it," he said with an ashamed look on his face.
"Do you? How the hell could you possibly get it? Shit Gary, I don't
even get it. I've awakened in this body for the last four days and
the only thing I can think of is that the same damn thing is going
to happen tomorrow." I was pretty angry now and I was having a hard
time keeping the pitch of my voice under control. "I had a life
Gary. What the hell am I supposed to with this one?"
"I ..." he stated and I cut him off.
"You know what's funny?" I continued. "I was ready to run away with
you two days ago. If you had asked me to marry you, I would have
done it." I hung my head and shook it. "What the hell was I
thinking?"
"Look, from where I'm standing, nothing has changed," he said taking
my hands in his.
I jerked my hands out of his and noticed, with a twang of regret,
the hurt look on his face when I did.
"How can you say that? You've changed!"
"I don't know what to tell you. I would have done anything to keep
what we had." He sounded defeated and it was depressing to listen to
him. I felt like I was ripping the rug out from underneath him. "If
I had known what was about to happen that night though, would you
have preferred that I stay as the man you fell in love with?"
"Gary, please ..."
"No, I want to know," he insisted.
"I don't think that's ..."
"Answer the question Michelle!" he was angry, and why not. He felt
he was loosing as much as I felt I had already lost. I guess I could
understand a little how he must have felt.
"No, I don't. That man was wanted by the police. I know that
everything you said was true. Even if we had run away without the
knowledge that my fate was already sealed, you would have been
caught. We both would have been caught and arrested for something
neither one of us was guilty of doing. We don't know enough about
being fugitives to have gotten away."
"That's not what I asked you."
"Please don't make me say this Gary, please."
He did offer me a reprieve. I cleared my throat and spoke softly.
"The man I fell in love with is standing right in front of me." A
single tear slipped from the corner of my eye and rolled down my
face.
I looked up at him and smiled a weak, sad smile. "But I fell in love
with you in a different time Gary. That was when I could still go
back -- or thought I could. That was when we were going through it
together. Now it's just me, Gary. Don't you see that?"
"No, frankly I don't. After what we shared and felt for each other
I'm hurt that you would think that I would just go on as if nothing
had ever happened. What kind of person do you think I am?"
"You got your life back Gary. You'll go to school and you'll carry
on, but I'm left here on this `adventure', one that was your idea,
by the way, and there's no way back for me. This is just so surreal.
I can't believe I'm having to deal with this."
"Got my life back? I had a life two days ago and I lost it when you
ran out of that warehouse the other night. It vanished into the
night with you. The only thing I got back was the face of that
person that seemed to always fuck up his life. My life started when
you gave me a reason to live it."
"It can't be like that now," I said flatly.
"I don't believe you!" he cried. "I don't think you believe that
either." The anguish in his voice was unmistakable. "I'm not a whole
person without you. Male or female, we are only one half of one
person separately. Don't you see that? Why can't you see that? All
I've ever wanted is to find someone like you and I would never have
realized it if not for last weekend."
There was a long pause in our dialog. Both of us were now openly
weeping, each of us trying to hide our tears from the passing
throngs by continually wiping the tears from our cheeks and lowering
our heads to hide our eyes.
I finally decided to tell Gary about the core of my plan. "I'm
leaving Gary."
I thought his eyes were going to pop out and roll around on the
pavement of the sidewalk. "What the hell did you say?"
"I'm moving away. I need my money back."
"You can't have it," he said with a confidence that made me mad.
"And you can't leave either."
I laughed a short, thick, phlegmy laugh of surprise at his attempt
to dominate me. "I'm leaving Gary and that's that. Now please, can
we arrange for me to get my money back?"
He paced about for a while. I knew he was thinking about how to
delay the inevitable. "Gary don't stress out on this, it's hard
enough for me as it is, but I have to leave. You can see that can't
you?"
"No," he flashed at me pushing his face into mine until we were nose
to nose. He was angry now and defensive. I could see that I had just
threatened to take something away from him that was nearly as
valuable as his life, perhaps more valuable. I have never admitted
this until now, but I was a little scared of him at that moment. It
was the only time I have ever had that feeling with Gary, but, at
the time, it surprised me.
"No. I don't see that at all. God damn it Michelle, what the hell
happened last weekend? Did I imagine that? Was it fake? It was very
real for me."
"I felt those things too, Gary." The truth was that I was still
feeling them. I was being ripped apart little by little by my love
for Gary. By Sunday, having admitted I was in love with Gary, I knew
I would never be able to stuff that demon back in side it's box. It
was killing me to try to convince not only Gary but myself that was
no longer true. "I was ready to run away with you and stay like this
voluntarily. Maybe that would have been better. Then I would never
have known that I had no choice in staying this way."
"So you're blaming me? If I hadn't have made it back to where you
and Kit picked me up you would have been just as stuck. Would that
have made a difference?"
"I'm not blaming you. You ... you were very ... helpful." Ouch!
There are still times in my life that I realize only after it's too
late that I should have kept my mouth shut.
"HELPFUL?" he exclaimed. He just stood there staring at me and I
felt small and completely insignificant.
"Oh hell!" I said.
"Yeah, something like that," he responded. "Here." He shoved his
hand deep into his pockets and pulled out a clear polycase with my
cash chip in it and shoved it in my hand. "I don't want to wish you
good luck because I want you to stay, but I will, because I can see
that it makes no difference to you how I feel, so take it."
"Gary. Of course it matters, but I can't stay here. What do you
think it's going to be like for me living in the town where I
disappeared? My folks don't even know I'm not coming back yet Gary.
Right now they have hope that Mike will be found alive. You and I
know the real truth don't we?" I reached up and took his face in my
hands. He was still taller but only by a few inches now. "Mike is
gone and can't come back. As much as they adored my sister and
ignored me, I know that they still cared something about me and when
I ... he ... Mike, isn't found...," I stammered shaking my head,
correcting myself; "How the hell can I sit in this town and watch
the memorials and news reports knowing what I know? How the hell can
I stay here knowing how much pain I caused them? It would be too
much of a temptation to go to them, to try to ease their pain, but I
can't do that, now can I?"
All Gary could do was to look back at me with large watery eyes. He
hadn't thought that deep into the problem. Tears were leaking in a
steady torrent from the corners his eyes even as he tried to
maintain his composure; I saw this and struggled to keep my emotions
in check.
"Please, can I say something?" he pleaded.
"Wait, I'm not finished." I stepped closer to him. I didn't want to
be overheard. I was aware that some of the passersby were slowing to
eavesdrop a little on our conversation, strangers trying to listen
to two squabbling lovers I supposed.
I spoke in a soft low tone. "Do you have any idea the complexity of
this issue for me? I'm female now. Permanently and irreversibly a
girl everywhere, even up here." I touched my hand to my temple to
indicate that my emotional personality and desires were now becoming
completely female as well. "But I don't want to be. I want to be a
guy again. What kind of future does that leave open for me as a
heterosexual female? Do you see the bigger problem now?" This time I
took his hand as I spoke to him. I couldn't help myself. I wanted to
touch him as I had just a few days ago.
"It wasn't a problem Sunday?" he said and I sighed. No, he was right
it wasn't a problem a day before that. I was willing to keep what I
had been forced into if only I could have been allowed keep what I
had found, love. Was I just making excuses now? A flash of lighting
bolted against my brain. An idea of something just out of sight and
out of reach. Had I lost what I had found? Was it truly gone, or
just hidden from me? I was more confused than ever. I tried a new
angle, reason, rationalization or excuse -- pick one.
"Gary, this isn't an issue of just male versus female anymore
either. My identity is gone. Who the hell am I now? I have no ID, no
proof of my education, my family line, hell, medical history. Gary,
I have no home, no place to go. What the hell am I supposed to do
for an identity?"
The tears were attracting the attention of more passersby. Some
stopped, I'm sure, to make sure that the young weeping young lady
wasn't being hurt, but when they saw that the young man with her was
also weeping, they thought better of it and moved along or hung back
to eavesdrop.
"Where the hell are you going to go? Have you thought out a plan? As
you said, you don't even have any ID. If you're going to try to
travel, just how far do you think you're going to get without ID?"
Now it was my turn to feel stupid. What the hell had I been
thinking? I was even more trapped than I had first suspected. It was
beginning to look as though I was going to wind up in prison no
matter what I did.
"My money. I can probably buy false ID with that." I glanced down at
the polycase he had shoved in my hand. "But that will probably use
it all up."
There was a great pause while neither of us spoke. I was running out
of ideas fast. I could spend what I had on identification, but I
would be with out any other resources, or I could take my chances
away from here but run out of resources on the road. With no ID
there would be no job, no income -- not of legitimate means anyway.
"I have an answer," he offered emotionlessly.
To listen would be to get pulled in. I was now more desperate than I
had thought I was. The Post-War Citizenry Tracking Agency would
eventually nail me down as an unregistered female. Could the
government know how valuable a tool this was with the advent of
skins? Probably, but then skins don't exist right? I had to get into
the database somehow -- that or disappear, which would mean finding
a way to live without having an income or needing medical attention
or paying taxes. This was a daunting challenge, tried by many and
only succeeded at by a small minority. I said nothing, but waited
for him to drop the other shoe.
"I rented an apartment this morning. I thought you would want to
move in after what had happened. I guess that was a stupid idea,
huh?"
I wish I could have seen the look on my face -- I really do -- but
it felt as if my jaw would come unhinged and my eyes would roll
right out of their sockets. It seemed Gary was on his own in the
world.
While I was touched, I was also careful not to let it show. After
all, how in the hell could anything possible work out between the
two of us now?
My mind told me that nothing had changed since Saturday night,
noting that I was still the same girl that had needed his warm,
comforting touch and wisdom. "You were in love with him in a not so
way back when. What the hell is different from Saturday and Sunday
to now?" argued the left half of my brain.
The right half shot back with, "He got you into this mess and then
left you here, as a girl, with no way back. Yeah, he's one hell of a
good friend. I'll tell you what he really wants. He wants what
you've got tucked away inside your shorts missy -- and when he gets
you pregnant, how long do you think he'll stick around? You