Victor And The Witch free porn video

Victor and the Witch by Jenna Hitch and shalimar "Hey, Victor," Bob asked, "buy you a beer?" Bob was always brownnosing me, and I used him in some of my robberies. He was big. His 6'4", 230-pound frame was all muscle. It helped to have all that muscle along with me. He was a good man to threaten the owners and customers of the stores we hit. "Sure, why not?" I replied. Meanwhile, I sat in the bar and looked at her as I drank my beer. She was hot in her slinky black dress with the slit down the side. Black fishnet stockings came from under the hem of her skirt that ended about two inches above her knees. Her 3" opened toed black pumps showed her big toe painted fire engine red as expertly as her fingers. Her golden jewelry shimmered. Her rising and falling breasts begged me to grab them. Her slim 5'5" frame made her perfect for me. I had to have that bitch. Besides she was asking for me to take her by the way she looked, so when she left the bar I followed her. I caught up to the bitch just before the alley next to the bar. Then I grabbed her as I pulled out my knife. "Do as I say and you won't get hurt," I told the bitch as I put my knife's blade on her throat. I cut her slightly in the neck to prove I was serious. After I licked the blood I pulled her into the alley, but I saw no fear in her eyes. She seemed calm, as if she was in control. I fondled her right breast. I was getting excited, so moved my dick next to her ass. Suddenly I was flipping in the air as if I was a judo victim, and I fell perfectly on my behind. I heard something crack, but it wasn't in me. It was under my left foot. I looked down and saw that the heel had broken off of my pumps. That's not right. Damn cheep shoes. I wish I could afford better. 'Wait a minute! I take what I want,' I thought. I also noticed I had a run in my pantyhose under my skirt. 'Skirt? Pantyhose?' I felt sore in my ass. I was dazed. "Are you all right?" asked the woman I had just tried to rape. She seemed concerned. Her cut was gone. There was no blood. "I seem to have broken my shoe," I told her as I looked up at her. "There is a coffee shop across the street," she told me. "Maybe I can help you." "Thanks," I said. "But I can't afford coffee." "My treat," she responded as she helped me get up. "You are kind," I said. "Thank you." I took off my shoes so I could walk to the coffee shop. When I stood, I noticed she was about three inches taller than me. I picked up my shoes and we walked across to the coffee shop. We sat in a booth. Eventually the waitress came over and took our order. "Do you want anything else?" my former victim asked. "I can't," I replied. "I really can't afford even this." "I meant it when I said it is my treat," she said concerned for me. "Please, have something." "Well," I said, thinking. "Maybe a tuna salad sandwich." "By the way, I'm Helena," she said as she looked at the pieces of my broken shoe. "What's your name?" "Victor," I said. "What was that?" she asked with an amused smile. "Vicky," I repeated. "It's short for Victoria." "That's a pretty name," she replied as she handed me my shoe back. 'Pretty name?' I thought. 'Yeah, it is.' She handed me the shoe with the heel fixed, but I didn't see her do anything. "What are you doing in a neighborhood like this?" she asked. "I live nearby, about a block away," I told her. "I can't afford anything more. I'm only a cashier at a local supermarket. My boss knows I am a good worker and would pay me more, but he gets robbed every few weeks. As a result, they are having trouble keeping the place open. And, you, why are you here?" "I visited my kid this afternoon, he is staying in this neighborhood because it is close to the college. My son told me about a job." "Are you going to take the job?" "I'm freelance and I started it already." "What kind of work do you do?" I asked. "I'm a witch." The food came. I was ravenous. I have had to skip a meal at times to last the two weeks between paychecks and I didn't get paid for two more days. We talked a little more as I was fishing a few of the larger chunks of tuna out to feed my cat, Calico, later this evening. Finally Helena told me the bad news, "In fact, Vicky, you are the job. As Victor, you nearly raped me. If I wasn't a witch, I believe you would have succeeded. I know that you have succeeded too many times before. The only way to stop you is for you to experience that assault as the victim." Helena waited for this to sink in before she continued. I now began to understand what was happening. "As the victim?" I asked. "Yes. In fact, one month from now, when you are the most fertile, you will be raped just as brutally and just as viciously as you almost raped me." I was in shock. Why would anyone do such a mean thing to anyone else? But, she was right. I had done this to others. Actually, as Victor, I was wanted by the police for five separate rapes, and there were more they hadn't connected yet or the victims didn't file a complaint. "You will get pregnant because of this. As a single, pregnant woman, you will have three choices. You may choose to abort this unwanted pregnancy. You may decide to give the newborn baby away. Or you may decide to keep the child. Only if you give the child away will you be able to return to being a man. During most of the time that you are this way, at least until you have made your decision and maybe afterward, you will act and think like the young woman you are now. There will be times that you will remember yourself as Victor. For example, when you are being raped, you will remember who you were and what it is like on the other side." "Is there any way I can prevent the rape?" I asked, hopefully, my voice somewhat shaky. "I'm sorry, Vicky," she apologized as some more food came. "But when you tried to rape me you started the chain of events that will cause your rape to happen." I ate the new order. When did we order the second serving of food? I hadn't eaten that much in years, as I usually had to conserve to last the week. What am I talking about? I take my food from others or steal to pay for it. "You are a sweet girl," Helena told me. "You are as sweet and as good as Vicky as you were mean and vicious as Victor. I hope that you learn from this experience. If you do become a man again it is my hope that you will be a better person." "I am this way so I can learn?" I asked. "No, this is a punishment, but this punishment comes with an opportunity. I can't guarantee your education, only you can. I think it is time for you to go home. You have to go to work in the morning." "Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Ling need me at their grocery store." I thought for a moment. I used to rob that grocery store often, as it was good quick money. I thanked Helena for the food, then walked home. I walked that block to my apartment more scared than I had ever been in my whole life. It seemed that in the dark every shadow was dangerous. Even the two men walking past me and minding their own business frightened me. Finally I arrived in front of my tenement. I unlocked the front door and walked through the dimly lit hallway and up the one flight of stairs to my apartment. After I opened the dead bolt and lock to my studio apartment I closed the door and locked the bolt, then leaned against that door, relieved that I finally felt safe. I realized that the other tenants were scared of me as Victor. This building was the castle of my kingdom that I had terrorized. I looked around at my apartment. There were plants in every corner of the room. There was a colius here, a ieffenbachia there and a maranta in the corner. There was a small sonora sitting on the windowsill that will enjoy the late winter sun sometime tomorrow morning. The plants were in every type of container you can imagine from tin cans to paint cans and milk jugs to old pails. Each one I had decorated to make it look more attractive, but because I couldn't afford them, there were very few in clay pots. From behind my large bromeliad, one of the few in a real pot, Calico stepped out and greeted me with a friendly "meow", then she rubbed herself around my leg. I picked up Cali and petted her. She purred which always made me feel happy. "And what have you been up to today?" I asked my furry little friend. Cali just buried her head in my hair and started to purr. "Tell me about it," I said to Cali. "You think you had a tough day? I'm still not sure what to make of mine. To say it was strange would be an understatement." I walked to the kitchen table and put Cali down. I remembered killing a cat, actually a kitten, which looked like Cali because it was a witness to a murder I was hired to do. What am I thinking? I could never hurt anyone or anything. That must be Victor remembering. "I've got something special for you, Cali. It's your favorite." I pulled out a napkin and put the few pieces of tuna I had picked out of her sandwich and gave them to my best friend. I enjoyed sharing the good fortune of my meal with Cali. Then I went around my apartment watering my plants, followed by Cali. I was humming to myself. I stopped in the middle of the watering and thought. As Victor, I never had plants in my Apartment before, yet I'm happy taking care of them. 'This is weird,' I thought. I continued to water the plants and start When I finished, I thought, 'So that's what the witch meant when she said I would remember being Victor.' Exhausted from the day, I brushed my teeth and then washed my face. I had no makeup on because I couldn't afford even that little luxury. 'I'm pretty without it,' I said to myself as I looked in the mirror and sighed. I took off my clothes and put on my torn nightgown. I had two, one for the summer and one for the winter. I pulled the covers over me after I laid in bed. I felt Cali jump on the bed with me and snuggle. I love her purring. The next thing I knew it the alarm announced it was morning. I dressed in a white blouse that had a stain on it, a pair of jeans that were no longer tight on me, and a pair of flats. Even with those old, worn out clothes and no makeup didn't hide my sexy looks. In fact, I would probably have made a burlap bag look sexy. I walked the fifteen blocks to work. I was worried about being raped earlier than the month that I was told I had. I was fearful of every shadow and every alleyway. And it was worse that the men were staring at me. They were staring at my breasts! This is horrible! I'm just an object to them! I can't stand this! I saw a carload of teenage boys following me for a few blocks. They were making catcalls. I would have considered them too young anyway; especially considering the way they were trying to pick me up was so childish. On the way to work there was a one-way street that was going in the wrong direction for them to follow in the car so I headed down it. The detour cost me about five minutes. It made me late, again. "The boys in the hood bothering you again?" Mr. Ling asked. "Yes," I said. "Some kids in a old red Chevy. I don't want them to see where I work, even if it would make more money for you." "It could mean a raise for you, but I understand. If I looked as pretty as you, I wouldn't want the guys bothering me either. But I couldn't be that. I'm pretty ugly." "No you're not Mr. Ling. Besides you have great qualities. You're kind and gentle. Someday I hope to find someone like you because Mrs. Ling is a lucky woman." He smiled. As usual, I put in a long day. Working overtime sometimes made ends meet even though it exhausted me. About two in the afternoon I took a short break to eat a few crackers. "Take some of the deli meat," Mr. Ling said. "And a real lunch hour. You don't have to punch out." "I can't," I told him. "You are allowed, and I insist. Crackers are not enough. Take some fruit, a can of tuna. Something. I have all this," he said as he swept his arm showing me his store. "Let me share. It is on me." "I can't do that to you, Mr. Ling." Mr. Ling went to the deli case and retrieved a small package of turkey. He handed it to me and told me to go in the back and sit down. About three minutes later he came back with a hard roll and a small bunch of grapes. "I better not see any of this left over," he insisted. "Mai and I can handle the store for an hour." "But," I objected. "We need a healthy employee. Don't argue." I smiled. I knew that his motivation was more than his excuse of having a healthy employee. So I obliged him. "And if you want more, just take it," he continued as he walked out the door. "You are the only one of my employees that scrimps. I cannot let that happen any more." After lunch the kids from the local schools came in and bought all the junk food that they always ate. The bags of potato chips, bottles of soda, and candy were flying out the door. Some of the boys smiled at me. I felt they were wishing they had a way to ask me out, but were too unsure how to do that. Some of those boys were bolder, however, their method was crude. On the outside I ignored them as I packed their purchase. Inside, they made me feel pretty. Eventually most of these boys will learn how to talk to a girl and then treat her right. As Victor, I had never learned that. It was part of the reason I raped the women. About four in the afternoon the adult crowd started wandering into the store to buy their needs for the day or week. The women were friendly. In fact, some of the regulars talked to me about their day. This included talking about their husbands and children. It was a different experience than I ever had as Victor and I liked their friendship. The men were also friendly in a different way. Some hit on me. I was amazed at how many of them hitting on me had wedding rings, or at least, evidence of having one. During my entire workday I was cheerful. I admit that the work was tiring, but I actually was happy to do that work. Actually working for my needs made me feel better about myself than taking what I wanted. I had to think about that when I get back to being Victor. Or will I? This was one of my better days because today was payday. I got paid every two weeks. As this was a long month it was one of those I received three paychecks. I had to set most of this check aside for emergencies and that long month with the short pay. I had a suspicion that I would need the money soon. 'Shit, I will be raped in a few days,' I thought. 'I would need medicine to heal my wounds. I will need extra food to feed the child that will grow inside me. I won't be able to fast or skip a meal because it might hurt the baby. I can't let that happen. What am I saying? I ain't pregnant. I can't be pregnant. I'm a man. No, I'm not. I'm Vicky.' As usual, Mr. Ling cashed my check at the end of the day. I was careful of the amount of items I bought to fill my needs for the week. Most of my money had to be for my reserve fund. I had to be sure it would last me during a lean month. When I finished with my purchases I hid the money in my shoes. 'I'll remember to check the shoes for hidden cash when I'm Victor again. Why would I want to be a guy like that?' The walk home was a far scarier walk then this morning because it was now dark. Even the slightest sound made me jump and the ghetto at night was full of sounds. When I finally entered my apartment building I breathed a sigh of relief. I was much safer inside. Then I saw Mrs. Brown in the hall, and I knew I was safe. "What's the matter child?" asked Mrs. Brown. "You look like you had seen a ghost." Mrs. Brown had always treated me like one of her own children. 'Wait a minute! I used to terrorize the old bitch like I did everyone else in this tenement. No, Victor had terrorized my friend. Weird. These flashes of Victor's memories, which come to me and leave just as quickly, scare me to the core.' "I was just scared. Today was payday and I hate to walk home with groceries and money with all the little thugs in the neighborhood. The big ones are worse." "It is difficult to raise a child in this area and keep the kid a good person. There are always too many temptations here. I was lucky. I raised three good children." "Where are they Mrs. Brown?" "In much better neighborhoods. They got college educations and didn't want to stay here. I don't blame them." "Why aren't you living with one of them? Surely, if they are that good they would want to take care of their mother." "They do. It may cause arguments with them, but I need my independence. Does that make sense, Vicky?" "Yeah, I know. That's part of why I don't live with my folks." I smiled as I thought about my mother. I loved my mother and would have stayed with her, but my father was one of the cruelest people I have ever known. He has beaten mom, my sister, and me several times. I had to get out. Rosa and I tried to have mom join one of us, but she would never leave my father, even though the price for her staying is getting beaten up. I hope she doesn't end up dead from him one day. I'm very afraid of that. Why would I care? Dad taught me everything I know. No, my father taught Victor how to steal, how to fight, how to use a knife, how to use a gun, and assisted with Victor's first rape. Victor was mean, but my father would be meaner if he wasn't so old. When I unlocked the door to my apartment I put down my bags and saw Cali spring to greet me. "Hello precious," I said as I picked up Cali and hugged her. "Mommy got you something special today." I looked into one of the bags I brought from Ling's Grocery. Not finding what I wanted there I looked into the other one and found it, a small fluffy ball and some catnip. I put a pinch of the catnip inside and tossed the ball lightly towards my furry friend. Instantly Cali smelled the catnip and began patting the ball around the room. The little bell inside the ball was a constant reminder to me of how much fun Cali was having. It brought a smile to my face. I listened to that bell as I started to check the mail. There was the usual junk mail. That mail went directly into the garbage. What surprised me was one thick envelope. Curious, I opened it. Cali was curious too, and made it difficult to read what was inside as she sniffed and lay on the paper. There was a short hand written note and a stack of insurance forms. The note was from Helena. It read: "Dear Vicki, I know you have a lot on your mind with your adjustment and your fate. There is one thing I wanted to help you with so you have one less thing to worry about. If it were only for you I wouldn't do this. I am doing this for the little one coming, so it need not suffer because of the position I put you in. This is a health insurance policy that has been in force for the last year. It also has maternity coverage, which you will soon need. In case you are wondering how I could have known, I think you are well aware that I have my ways of changing what was to what is. Take very good care of yourself because someone else will depend on you. There is also some good news. You will get help from someone you least expect it. I hope you will accept that help. Helena PS Start taking a multivitamin in the next week or so. Mr. and Mrs. Ling will give it to you for free." I sat there staring at Helena's note and the insurance forms and was starting to feel overwhelmed. As if she sensed something was wrong, Cali jumped into my lap and curled in a ball purring loudly. There was no way I was going to read those papers with that cat acting like she was, so I put the papers down. Then I put Cali on the seat as I finished unpacking the groceries. Her curiosity made her stretch as she looked and sniffed every item. On the bottom of the second bag I found a bottle of multivitamins. I stared at the bottle. I didn't remember getting them nor remember Mrs. Ling packing it. I put everything else away as I stared at the bottle of vitamins. That letter was scaring me. 'How does she do it? How does she know?' I first fed Cali, then I ate a light dinner. I was still eating when Cali jumped on my lap. I petted her and received her loving purr as a result. When I finished, I picked her up and went to bed holding my cat tight. The next morning I fed Cali then ate breakfast for the first time that week. After getting ready for work I kissed Cali and said, "I hope you catch a mouse today." I know there are mice in this apartment building. I saw one that was almost as large as Cali. Maybe it was really a rat. I put the cat down and after unbolting the door I started down the hall. "Hi," he said. He was a neighbor that I barely knew and I was scared. His name was Juan, but called himself Johnny. Could he be the rapist? "Hi," I said being as brave as I could. I continued to walk down the stairs to the first floor. He walked with me. "Going to work?" he asked. "Yeah." "I am a few minutes early to get to school. I could drive you to the grocery." "How do you know about the grocery?" "It is on the way to school. I have shopped there on occasion and noticed you working there. So may I drive you?" "No, I need to walk." "Could I walk you part of the way?" "Not today." I said as we neared Mrs. Brown's door. "I have a lot to think about." "Perhaps tomorrow." "Perhaps," I replied. He smiled. I realized I had said the wrong thing. He stopped by Mrs. Brown's and knocked on the door. As she opened her door I went outside. I thought about Johnny and how Mrs. Brown said that he is so kind and friendly. I had some hope that he would not be the one who would rape me. I could use a good friend like either of them. Two days after I was paid, Tyrone, my brother-in-law, came and picked me up so he could take me to their home in the suburbs. I was surprised because I thought Tyrone didn't like me. I realized he hated Victor and was scared of him. He not only liked me, he loved me. He even tried to set me up with a few of his friends but they just didn't work out. Rosa enjoyed having me with her even for that day. That was different than how I was treated as Victor. She would not have anything to do with me as Victor. She thought I was too violent and had to protect Kiesha, their daughter, from me. Tyrone took me back to the apartment where I finished packing and put Cali into her carrying cage. He took my bag and I took my friend down to the car. An hour later we were at their home. Even though it was late, Kiesha was still up and waiting for me. She gave her favorite aunt a hug and then looked into the cage at Cali and said hello. She thought of Cali as much her pet as I thought of Cali as my owner. I put the cage down and opened the door. The two of them played for the next half hour until Kiesha started lying down as if she was falling asleep. I picked her up, changed her diaper, put on her pajamas and then put her in her bed. By that time she had fallen asleep. I kissed her and walked out of her room. 'Maybe getting pregnant and caring for a child like this would be worth getting raped. That would especially be true if that child was as wonderful as Kiesha.' Just outside the bedroom Rosa and Tyrone were watching me as they held each other. When I finished taking care of Kiesha I went over to them and gave them a hug. "Thank you," I told them as tears went down my cheeks. "What's this all about?" Tyrone asked. "This week I realized how much I have and for that I am grateful," I explained. "The three of you are just one of those miracles." Kiesha was such a joy. She was one of the little pleasures I have that makes life wonderful. I found that I was closer to my sister and her husband because of their little darling. I spent that next day talking to Rosa as we did the housework and some minor food shopping. When I finally rode home with Tyrone and Cali I was tired, but happy. After work the next day I passed the Catholic Church that was halfway between work and my home. It was usually locked or guarded in this neighborhood. I hadn't been in a church since I was a little kid, but I went in, passed the guard and entered one of the front pews. I looked at the altar and the statue of Jesus. Then I started talking in a whisper, "I know that the witch made me this way to punish me. As Victor I was on top of this neighborhood. My life as Victor was that of a predator. I ruled this neighborhood. Now I am more like prey. But I am thankful. I thank you for Cali. I thank you for my flowers. I thank you for my job even though it doesn't pay much. I thank you for my bosses, and their kindness and their generosity. I thank you for giving me back my sister and her family. I thank you for everything. I hope I am strong enough to get through this rape I must have. Pleas give me that strength." I went on and on giving thanks to G_d for my new chance at life. Then I walked the rest of the way home and I felt a strong inner peace that I had never known before. The next few days at work went on with the same routine. Mrs. Ling was a wonderful person in a very sneaky way. I could tell she loved to help me but she never did it openly. The extra little things were always in my bags when I got home and whenever I asked her about them she would just smiled and said "It's all in G_d's little plan that we should help each other whenever we can." Then one day Mrs. Ling's sister came into the store and she and Mai spent the day shopping for the family. When they came back they asked me to come with them to the Ling's upstairs apartment. Once I got into the door Mrs. Ling and her sister ambushed me. They told me how plain my hair was and that for someone who's hair was as gorgeous as mine was a crime. They took me into the kitchen and sat me down in a chair and I was at their mercy. They carried on talking in Mandarin and I was at a loss to understand them. "Oh I'm so sorry," Mai said realizing that I couldn't understand a word they said. "We are so used to just talking to each other I forgot you couldn't understand. My sister was just so amazed with how beautiful your hair is and she couldn't understand why you hide it by tying it up in a pony tail all the time." "It's quick and easy to take care of," I replied. "But, you can do more with it," Mai said. "Like what?" I asked. That was their excuse. By the time they were through with me I had a new style and they had given me highlights and a light permanent. They also added some makeup. I found out Mai's sister was a hairdresser in a salon. When I was allowed to look in the mirror I was pleasingly surprised. I had known that I was pretty, but what they had done with my hair made me beautiful. Mr. Ling wasn't as subtle as his wife. He would openly offer to help. Despite my protests, Eric would never take no for an answer. He had gone from giving me a discount on my purchases to not charging me for many things I bought, and of course my lunches were free. "I may not be able to pay what you deserve," he once told me. "But let me share with you what I can." I was watering my plants a few nights later when the phone rang. "Hello?" "Hi Vicki I was just calling because I missed you last Monday," my mom said on the other end. "I had to stay at work and didn't get off till after five and by then father was on his way home. I wasn't in the mood to get into another fight." I sounded cold and distant but I had already talked about this with her too many times. "Mama, I'm sorry, but I know it hurts you when I fight with father. I couldn't do that to you again. He may have sired me, but I hate him. I hate him because of the way he treats you. I hate him because of the way he treats Rosa and me. I hate him because of his violence with others." "I wish you and your father could get along. It hurts me to see our family torn apart like this." I could tell from the sound in her voice she was upset. "Mama that was why I didn't come over. I couldn't bare to fight with father in front of you again. What hurts me the most is he always finds some way to turn it back on you. You always have new bruises the next time I see you after our arguments." I was crying. It hurts me to see my mom in pain like this. "Will you come and see me next week then?" The pleading sound in her voice tore at my heart. I was torn between being there for mama and needing to stay away from the one who fathered me. I decided it was better to risk being hit by my father. "I promise, mama. I'll be there next Monday, regardless." "I'll make your favorite pineapple upside down cake and we can have a nice talk." "I'll be there." As I hung up the phone I continued to cry. How could anyone be so cruel to someone so full of love? At that moment I wasn't sure if I hated my father or Victor more for how they treated her. It was the first time that I thought seriously that I might let Victor die. A few days later I had to make a detour to the shoe repair shop where the owner fixed my shoes so they could last a few months longer. I sat there and waited as he happily did the repair. I was paying him and knew that I would have to skip two meals because of that luxury. I walked out of his shop and realized that he closed his shop years ago because Victor crippled him in a robbery. As I walked home I passed a liquor store and some of Victor's thoughts flashed in my mind again. I remembered robbing it many times. I even remembered helping beat the owner. In my days as Victor half the windows were boarded up and most of the shelves were bare. Now the shop was in good shape and the owner inside was cheerful as he worked in his shop. I passed by another building that in the back of my mind I didn't think should be there. Then I remembered that as Victor I was paid to burn it down. There were people going in and out carrying on with their lives. That included a woman with two small children who smiled at me as I passed. The kids were so happy. Two of them died in the fire I started, and the baby was never born. Back then I didn't care. Next Monday came and I went over to see mama like I had promised her. I had told Mister Ling that I needed to leave at noon so I could spend some time with my mom before my father got home. "It's not right that a child should fear her father," he said cryptically in a tone so soft I could barely hear him. I turned to answer him but the look of pain I saw on his face stopped me. Then for the first time it occurred to me that even after being married all these years the Lings didn't have any children. From his expression I could tell that was the source of Eric's pain. For some reason they couldn't have children. Life was so unfair. Here was a kind and gentle man who couldn't have the joy of taking care of at least one little one. Both he and Mai deserved to have the blessings of many children. Then there was my father who didn't deserve to have anyone in his life. Despite his meanness he not only had two good daughters, but a loving wife. I knew mama really loved my father, but I don't even know if he really loves her. No, life wasn't fair. Maybe if I meet that witch who did this to me I could ask her to do something for Eric and Mai. They deserve the happiness of having children. I was overcome with emotion and went up to Eric with tears and gave him a hug. "What was that about?" he asked. "You're a special person, Eric," I said. "You deserve the best. And I think someday you will." I let him keep his confused look. I arrived at Mama's a little after 12:30. When I walked in the smell of pineapple upside down cake filled my nose. That was one of my mom's specialties and it always reminded me of her love for Rosa and me. She used to make it for us on special occasions. Victor's memory was very different from that though. He hated the taste of pineapple and would always use the smell that filled the house when mom made it as an excuse to leave home for hours to hang out with his friends. These friends eventually became a gang that terrorized the neighborhood. "Hi mama, that smells fantastic," I said as I entered the kitchen. She had just put the pan on a plate and flipped it over. She set the plate down and came up and gave me a big hug. "Oh you came. I was so worried that you wouldn't make it over here again." As she held me tight I felt my tears start to flow. With her arms around me, I experienced the most wonderful feeling I had ever felt before in my life as Victor or Vickie. I felt loved. I also felt what is like to love someone with all my heart. We stood there hugging each other for what seemed like a lifetime. When we pulled apart I noticed her eye's were as full of tears as mine. "I better get the pan off of the cake before it sets," Mom said in a very hoarse voice. "Sure," was the only thing I could choke out in a voice that was more hoarse then my mom's. We sat in the kitchen. As we talked we had a piece of cake and a cup of coffee. Neither of us mentioned my father once but even in not mentioning him we both could feel his impact on our words and thoughts. All to soon it was getting near five o'clock. "I have to go mom." She had a very sad look in her eyes. "I know Vickie and I'm sorry you and your father can't get along." "Mom you know how I feel about this. Nothing Rosa and I could have done was good enough for him. He is so bitter towards us it poisons any relationship we could ever have. I'm glad Rosa found Tyrone despite that, but I'm afraid I'll be an old maid because of him." My eyes started to tear up again. Form inside my mind Victor was trying to scream out that dad was right and that we were just a bunch of stupid women who deserved what we get. I could feel the rage that drove Victor. That rage was also in my father. I was able to push Victor's thoughts back easily. Then I realized why the part of me that was Vickie was able to overpower the part that was still Victor. She was motivated with love and caring for others but Victor was driven by greed and anger. I then understood that anger drains you emotionally down to hate and you can't keep that up forever. The love that was at the core of Vickie's being was the opposite. Love heals and you can go around with love in your heart your whole life and with each one you love you grow stronger. I hugged my mom tight. "I love you and I'll be back next week on Monday and this time I'll stay for dinner." I felt her hug me even tighter. "Vickie, thank you." The rest of the week seemed to go by very fast. I was working long shifts at the Ling's store and combined with worrying about the inevitable fight my dad was going to try to start when I had dinner there on Monday. That Monday came before I realized. I had to stay until three until Mrs. Ling could take over the register, then I was going to catch the bus to mom's for dinner. I couldn't eat much at lunch, not because the food wasn't there. My stomach was so upset thinking about having dinner with my father. The last time we were in the same room a lot of things got broken and I stormed out of the house shouting curses at the top of my lungs. The next day I saw mom in the hospital with fresh bruises on her body. For my mom sake I was determined not to get into a fight again. I got off the bus, walked up the stairs and used my key to get into the apartment. Mom had already started making dinner consisting of a cheap cut of beef, some carrots, potatoes, and gravy. She wore her best blue dress under her apron because she wanted to have this meal as a festival. Quickly I put on an apron and helped her. We finished making dinner just before 5:00 and at 5:15 I heard the door open. My heart was in my mouth because I was about to face the one man I constantly dreaded seeing, my father. He is about 5'11" and all muscle even at his age of 55. He would even look handsome if he didn't have the scars on his face and neck because of his battles with the police, civilians and other toughs in the neighborhood. Also the scowl on his face didn't help. I don't think that I ever saw him smile. "What is SHE doing here?" he angrily asked. I just smiled at him and said, "Hi daddy. Mama invited me to dinner." I had made a resolution to myself that I would even give him a hug. I opened my arms to do that. "Couldn't you dress better?" he asked me. "I can't afford to buy any new clothes," I replied as I tried to give him a hug. "Let me get you some clothes then, girl." "Please, father, I couldn't accept clothes that I know came off the truck. I couldn't wear them." "You ungrateful, little bitch!" he shouted as he raised his hand to me. When he did that I instinctively bent down lower and crossed my arms in front of my head to protect myself from his blow. "Is that any better than you enticing all those men to your place so you can charge them for your wares?" he asked as he was only able to hit my arms. "I'm a virgin, father," I replied as I was beginning to feel the pain from his fist. "I'm your father," he angrily yelled as a second shot came. Fortunately, there was no damage. "Don't lie to me, child." As I backed up to the door with tears in my eyes I shouted to mama, "I tried mama. I really tried." "I don't want to see that bitch in this place again," he yelled at mama. I was able to escape without another blow from my father. Because I expected to eat at mama's that night, the cost of the bus and because it was a few days from my next payday, I had nothing to eat that night. I ignored my stomach growling as I put ice on my bruises when I got home. I ignored the growling as I petted Cali that night. I ignored the growling as sleep caught up to me that night. It was just like when I lived at home, except I would not have to worry about getting hurt in the morning. At least the bruises were only on my arms. The next night Rosa called just after I got home. "I saw mama this morning," she told me. "She told me you came over to have dinner. Is that why she has some fresh bruises?" "Rosa, I tried not to do anything but he started as soon as he saw me." I then went on explaining how I didn't want to have dinner but mama insisted. Then I told her how he came after me both verbally and physically, and why. Finally I said, "I'm afraid, Rosa. I'm afraid that father will kill her someday. She just barely survives some of those beatings. Can't you do something?" "I've tried Vicky. I'm just as scared as you, but I can't force her," she replied. "I'll talk to her again," I told her. "I think she would be better off with you. You have the room and he isn't in the neighborhood. But if she comes here I'll make the room. Somehow." "I know you would, Vicky." I fell asleep after I watered the plants and fed Cali. Although I ate well at work, I had nothing for dinner as I waited for payday. The next morning just after I locked my door I saw Johnny's door open. He was carrying some books so I assumed that he was going to school. "Hi," he said. "Hi," I replied. "You going to work?" "Yea," I replied. "I'm going that way," he told me. "I still owe you that ride, and I can drop you off." I was feeling a little weak from the lack of food so I agreed. As we walked to his car I felt a little dizzy. "Are you alright?" he asked with concern in his voice. "It is probably that I didn't have dinner or breakfast," I answered. "I'll be OK." He stopped, pointed to the store next to us and said, "We're going in there." It was a cafe type restaurant. "I can't pay for that!" I pleaded. "I'm paying," he insisted. "Besides, if I want a dizzy dame I want her to be that way because she likes me, not because she has low blood sugar." "But," I replied. "I need to do this," he continued. "Please do me the favor." I was doing HIM a favor by him buying me breakfast? I had to find out why and I was too hungry to protest anymore. We had breakfast and we talked, then he drove me to the store. The combination only made me only a little late. When I explained to Mrs. Ling why she smiled and said something about love being a beautiful thing and told me that she would not dock my time. I tried to ignore what she said that morning, but in a way it was true. I realized then that Johnny cared for me. So did Mrs. Brown. So did Mr. and Mrs. Ling. So did Rosa, Tyrone and Kiesha and of course, mama. Their caring reinforced my caring for them. Love is the secret of life. It is the true gift from G_d. Unfortunately I didn't have much time to revel in my discovery. It was about a quarter to two in the afternoon. As is our routine, Mai went into the back to do some paperwork and some ordering. I was setting up the packets of potato chips, cookies and other junk food the kids bought for their after school snacks while Eric made sure the refrigerator was stocked with soda. It was then that they came into the grocery with stocking masks on. I was thankful that Mrs. Ling was in the office because all three had handguns. One was huge. He was six foot four and weighed about 230 pounds. I could only tell he had a black moustache through the stocking. The faces on the other two were more nondescript. One of the others was about 5' 9" and thin. The third was a little shorter and weighed about 160. He seemed to be the ringleader. "Give us the money in the registers!" shouted short man to Mr. Ling. Having been robbed before, Eric complied immediately. Mr. Ling even showed the empty registers to the robbers. When they were satisfied, skinny man hit Mr. Ling on the head with his gun. Eric went down unconscious. I tried to grab Eric, but the big man stopped me. My struggling didn't make any difference. At least my boss had no additional damage. "You are a feisty girl," big man said. I recognized his voice. It was Bob's! Holding my wrists so I couldn't get away, Bob then dragged me towards the back of the store. What was he going to do? Was he going to kill me? I struggled to get away, but he was too strong. When we were in the back and away from view of anyone else he put his gun in his pocket. Out of another pocket he took a switchblade. Quickly he opened it and put it to my throat. I felt the cut he made on my neck. "I like to taste the woman I'm going to have," he said as he licked the blade clean. Bob then put his hand on my left breast. I felt him rub it. HE was the one who was going to rape me. He pulled my blouse down with enough force that it ripped. His dirty nails dug into my flesh leaving some blood. I started to scream. He put his hand over my mouth. I bit him hard enough that he bled. "You fucking bitch," he said, shaking his hand in pain. I saw blood on his finger. I tried to run but he grabbed me again. He dropped the knife, and pulled out the gun again. He hit me in the head with the barrel just below my eye. I felt the bone break. He hit me again on the top of my head. It hurt like Hell, but I remained conscious. Later, I wished I hadn't remained conscious. "If you keep fighting me, I'll get my friends in here too, and we will all take turns with you, you little slut." The thought of all of them attacking me made my blood run cold and I stood there shaking. He then pulled my bra off, destroying it. He picked up the knife again and ran the tip down between my breasts. I was so scared I stopped resisting. I felt a small cut where he touched my skin when that knife got too close. "That's better, if you don't play by my rules I'll cut you up so bad that no man will ever want to look at you again." As he spoke I could smell his breath. It was foul beyond words. It smelled like rot and decay mixed with alcohol. In addition there was the stench of rancid sweat from his clothes. I wanted to vomit but I was so paralyzed with fear I couldn't do anything. Then he pulled my skirt off, ripping it. I had no useable clothing left! Next came my panties, ripped beyond use. He ran his course hands all over my body. His hands where so rough they felt like sandpaper. I just lay there frozen with fear. I felt my tears come. "That's it, just relax and you'll enjoy it. I knew you were a hot little slut when I saw you in here last week." Then he took down his pants and entered me. Because I was dry and closed, my vagina felt like it was ripping apart. The doctors later told me that is literally what was happening. I was screaming. I felt his juices squirt into me. He stood over me as I started to cry and slapped me so hard across my face my vision blurred and I could taste blood as I fell. Then I continued to cry. "Stop sniveling. I know you enjoyed it." Before he walked away he kicked me with his boot and spat on me. "If you're lucky maybe some day we can do this again." I continued to cry, partly from the pain in my body and partly from the humiliation I felt. I also felt dirty; that I was soiled. But I also felt the shame from knowing that I had done this same thing to women when I had been Victor. How I wished I had never hurt anyone that way. I was lying on the cold floor curled in a ball thinking how could this have happened to me and how could I have done this to others. I felt like I was being swallowed up in shame. It was strange, very strange. Part of the shame was that I was the one raped and part of the shame was from knowing that I, as Victor, did this to others. Later as I was crying I realized I was in mid cycle. 'Shit! I WILL get pregnant from this, just like the witch said!' I thought. As I lay there I heard gunfire. A few minutes later I heard a male voice say, "Jesus!" I looked up and saw a policeman taking off his coat. 'Not again!' I thought. He used his police jacket to cover me. I cried again. Then in the corner of my eye I saw the knife Bob left behind. I stuck out my hand to grab it. I was going to stab myself with it and end it all when the policeman saw me. He grabbed my wrist just before I was able to get to the knife. "Please, don't," he implored as I struggled against him. "Don't do it. Promise me you won't commit suicide. Don't do this to me." I looked at him and saw the concern in his face along with his pained look. No, I couldn't hurt anyone that way, so I shook my head "yes." Slowly, I pulled my hand away from the knife and back to me. He went on his intercom and asked, "Is there a female office among the backup?" "Yeah," came the reply through the speaker. "Laura Johnston is here." "Send her to me at the back of the store," the officer said. "I have someone she needs to help out." About a minute later a black woman in a police uniform found us. "Oh, no," she said, biting her lower lip. "Flashback?" asked the white cop. "I'll survive," she replied. Then to me she said, "Yeah, I was raped, too. I was physically hurt and felt dirty and humiliated. I'll stay with you, honey, until they take you to the hospital." "Could you go with me to the hospital?" I asked in a whisper. She looked at the other cop. "We'll get you back," he said. "OK, honey," she said to me. "What's your name?" "Vicky," I told her almost in a whisper. "It's a pretty name," she told me. "You don't deserve this." 'Or did I?' A few minutes later, the paramedics came to me with a stretcher. They took me past Eric who was being bandaged on his head. Mrs. Ling was crying nearby and holding his hand. She looked at me and gave a sad smile. Then we passed two covered male bodies. They were about average height. 'Damn,' I thought. 'I may have to testify.' I don't remember much of the ambulance ride to the hospital. I barely even remember them cleaning me up and putting on the bandages. I fell asleep in the ambulance. When I opened my eyes and was aware of what was happening around me I looked up into a face that I had come to fear since childhood, my father's. The painkillers were still in my system and I think something else like Valium because I felt an unreal sense of calm. Because of all the drugs I couldn't think of what to say. "So what did you get yourself into this time?" He practically spat the words out at me. I just love his friendliness and caring. "Take it easy on her. Don't you know what she's just been through?" I heard my mother's voice from the other side of my bed. I turned slowly to look at her then smiled. I saw some fresh bruises on her face and neck and instantly knew the price she had to pay to come here. My father almost never let her out of house alone. Why did she have to suffer so much? "I told you when she was growing up she was nothing but a little slut, and now I have the proof. She and her sister have been nothing but trouble. We wouldn't have had anywhere near the problems if we had sons," he said to mom. Then to me, "so how did you entice him? Did you put on a display for him like you did for me? You probably had every other guy in the neighborhood at least once." "Father, I was a virgin!" "Don't lie to me, bitch!" "GET OUT!" I shouted to him as I started to cry again. "GET OUT!" "Let's go," he said to my mom. "She doesn't appreciate our help. She doesn't deserve it." "I'll be there in a few minutes," mom said. I was surprised. She never defied my father. Then, I thought. She did defy my father on occasion. It usually meant protecting Rosa or me. Often she paid for it by walking into a door. By that time some of the medical personal had come through the curtain that separated me from the other patients. "GET OUT!" I shouted to my father again. Although my father protested loudly, one of the attendants escorted him from my area. Mom then held me as I cried. When I dried my tears, mama said to me, "We brought you some clothes. The police said that your clothes were destroyed in the robbery." "Rape, mama. Damn it! I was raped." "I know, baby." "I'm in pain," I told her. "I feel so ashamed. I feel dirty." "So did I," she replied as she held me. Surprised, I looked at her. "How do you think Rosa was born?" she asked me. "Then why did you marry him?" "I needed a father for her and eventually for you. I thought I could change him." She gave me some old clothes that I had left in their apartment. "Also, Tyrone is coming here to take you back to your apartment." I shuddered. "Be in the car with me, mama." "OK, why?" "I can't be alone with a man, not even one as safe as Tyrone." At that time a doctor came in to see me. "Do you want her to hear what I have to tell you?" she asked about my mother. "Go ahead," I replied. "She's my mother." "Well, we set the orbit. They're the bones that hold your eye. The MRI showed no other broken bones. The rest are soft tissue injuries that will heal in time. But..." "But?" asked my mother. "We want you to stay the night, just for observation and some tests." "OK," I replied. "Can I stay with my baby here and watch her?" my mom asked. "Normally we'd say, 'no' but in this case I think it would be helpful." "Mama, tell Tyrone to take Cali to their home. I'll pick her up when I go there next week." "Or when Tyrone picks you up tomorrow." Fifteen minutes later Tyrone came and tried to give me a hug and kiss. I recoiled from him. Both of us were surprised. "It's not you," Mama said to Tyrone as she held me. "She was just raped. She has to heal. I'm going to stay the night with her. Please pick up Cali and take her to your house." Tyrone nodded. "Just get well, Vicky," he said to me. "I'll give you that hug and kiss later." "I hope so," I replied. I didn't know then if I could ever give Tyrone another hug or kiss and it hurt. It was then that they wheeled me to my room. Mama and Tyrone followed. When Tyrone left I asked where the shower was. I was determined to get the dirt of the rape off my body. Despite my aches and pains, I walked to the shower and turned on the water. I picked up the new bar of soap and started washing. I felt tears in my eyes as I continued to soap myself. I was in the shower for over an hour when my mom came in and asked me what was wrong. "I'm still dirty, mama," I cried. "I'm sorry, baby, that kind of dirt doesn't go away with soap," she kindly told me as she held me. She didn't care that she was getting wet. She was crying also. Eventually she got me out of the shower. After drying me off she helped me back to my bed. I was dizzy during the walk to my bed. Exhausted, I fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night screaming, living the rape again. Mama jumped up from the chair she was sleeping in and calmed me down. I stayed in the hospital another three days while the doctors took tests. Most of the tests were done by the vampire, who seemed to come almost hourly. On the second day my doctor came in and said to me as she looked at her chart, "I've got some bad news for you, Vicky. The EPT was positive." "EPT?" I asked. "Early pregnancy test. You're pregnant, Vicky." "I'm pregnant?" "I'm sorry," she said. "I could give you RU486, the so-called, morning after pill." 'Only if you give the child away will you become a man again,' I remembered the witch tell me. "NO!" I said empathically. But why would I want to go back to being Victor? "If you change your mind, you have some time, as it could be used up to the tenth week of pregnancy, but it must be done in a hospital or clinic. The main concern with using it is the danger of bleeding," she explained. I thought about what my doctor said. 'Damn! I'm pregnant,' I said to myself. 'Well, Victor, you got me into this mess. How are you going to get me out of it?' "There is some good news," the doctor said. "You don't have HIV." "HIV?" I asked. "The AIDS virus," she continued. "We had to check both you and the man arrested for your rape." "Oh," I replied. "Does he have the disease?" "No." "Thank G_d!" I whispered. I didn't realize until then that the rape could have been worse. After breakfast the next morning my doctor came and after checking my chart said I could be discharged. I was going to leave that afternoon after Tyrone got off from work. Mama gave me the clothes she brought. They smelled musty from nonuse over the years, but I put them on. I didn't care anymore. I still felt dirty. As I put on my clothes, I said to my mother, "Mama, you gotta leave father. He'll hurt you again. Go to Rosa's or come to me. Somehow, I'll find room." "I can't," she told me. "You see I still love him." "Love him? I see your fear. I don't see your love." "I have both. I fear him and I love him. I believe my love for him has made him less violent." "I'm afraid, mama, " I explained. "Afraid?" she asked. "That he'll kill you. Please, mama, I don't want to loose you. Not that way." "I don't know," she said. "Promise me?" "Well...I'll go to Rosa's. She has more room in that house." Just then Tyrone came into my room. He brought me flowers. "I can't make up for what that bastard did to you, but I hope this helps," he said. I smiled, and thanked him. Tyrone helped mama pack the bandages and betadine that I would need for my wounds. Then the nurses put me in a wheelchair and they wheeled me out to Tyrone's car. With help I sat in the back seat. On my ride to Rosa's I stared out the window and said nothing. Part of the time I thought about what mama said about her love for father made him less violent. When I was Victor I had a girlfriend, Sarah. She was so beautiful and she really loved me. I was less violent during that time. I even tried to get a normal job and change but I couldn't keep it for long. But I loved her and tried again, yet lost that job also. So I went back to crime, but I was less violent. One time I even refused to kill someone because of her. She just thought we were going to beat him up and pleaded for me not to do even that. Her words and the look she gave me melted my heart and I backed out of the job. Eventually she left me because I couldn't control my violence. When she left she said I hit her once too often and now I know she was right. She was a lovely woman. Maybe if this pregnancy results in a girl I'll name her after my girlfriend. When we arrived at Rosa's, Rosa helped mama get me into the house. As we entered the door Kiesha came running to me and gave me a hug. I bent down a bit and gave her one back. She wanted me to pick her up. It hurt me that I was in too much pain to do that. "I'm in a lot of pain, Kiesha," I told her. "When I sit down or lie down you may come to me and I'll hold you. Alright?" "'K, Auntie Vicky." Then it was Cali's turn. She purred as she rubbed her body around my leg. My owner's love gave me a warm feeling inside. In fact, I felt everyone's love including Tyrone's although I still couldn't share a hug with him. I was given the den as my bedroom because I wouldn't have to climb the stairs. Rosa and mama took care of me, as I gradually got stronger over the four weeks I stayed there. The only problem was when Tyrone looked in to see how I was doing. I cringed every time he did that and I hated myself for it. I constantly saw the pain on his face when I did it. Mama helped him with his feelings and tried to help me with mine, but I was still afraid of men. Gradually the physical pains subsided. At first I was able to walk to the kitchen about twenty feet away. Then I was able to climb the stairs to the second floor. Eventually I was able to go with Rosa and Kiesha to the park a few blocks away. The park had a playground that the mothers in the neighborhood took their little kids to play. While there I talked to Rosa and some of the other mothers as their children played. I knew that soon I would be like them as I was beginning to feel the physical changes. I hoped that my little darling would have playmates similar to those that Kiesha had. Soon I realized I was as physically well as I could be. I told Rosa that I would be going home to my own apartment and start to work at Ling's Grocery again. She tried to argue with me but I knew that in order for me to heal my soul I needed to go back home. I made arrangement for Ty and Rosa to take me home at the end of the week. During that time the nightmares continued. At least once each night in my dreams I was raped again, sometimes two and three times in that same nightmare. When we walked into my apartment house Johnny and Mrs. Brown were talking in front of her door. "What happened to you, child?" Anna asked with concern in her voice. Ty looked at me and I shook my head, "yes." "She was raped, Mrs. Brown," Ty explained. "If you need to talk, I'm available," Anna told me. "Thank you," I whispered. "The same with me," Johnny added. "I can't Johnny," I told him. "You're a good man, but you are a man. I am not able to be physically near a man now, even that way. I have...difficulty...being with my brother-in-law, and I know he's safe." I saw Johnny's pain, but I realized he understood. "I'm sorry, Johnny," I continued. "You are sweet. Maybe later." "Good enough for right now," he replied. As we walked up the stairs I realized I was hoping that I could eventually talk to Johnny. It was only a baby step, but still a step in the right direction. It was my second day back in my apartment when the phone rang. I had called the Lings to let them know that I would be back to work the next day and expected a call back. Also, mom had said she was going to call to check on me. I didn't want to talk but I knew I had to at least tell her I was okay. "Hello," I said softly. "Hello Vickie, I'm Sister Margaret from St Francis Roman Catholic Church and have been trying to get in touch with you. Your father called us and told us about your situation. I wanted to discus some of your options with you." I was caught completely off balance since I was expecting the other calls so I was silent. "I know this is a very difficult time for you and I would like to come over and talk to you would that be okay?" She had a very sweet tone and sounded like she cared, but I didn't want to see or talk to anyone right now. "I'm sorry, I just don't want to talk to anyone right now." I was about to hang up when I heard her say, "Then would it be alright if I send you some information about our Birthright program?" Birthright? She was afraid I would abort the fetus. I knew that it was still an option. "That would be okay I guess." I would have agreed to almost anything to get her off the phone. "Again, thank you for giving me this time to talk to you. I know how hard this must be for you and I'll say a prayer for you and your baby." Then she hung up the phone. I stood there with the phone in my hand in shock. I wondered how my father could have mentioned this to anyone? He had no right! I felt violated again, this time by my own father. I lay down on my bed and cried my self to sleep. In my dreams that night my father was holding me down as Bob ripped my baby away from me. The said they own the child and no one was going to stop them from taking what is theirs. I tried to tell them that nobody owns a child but it is given as a gift for us to nurture and love. They seemed not to listen. Then Bob raped me telling me that he needed me to provide him with more for him to own. I woke up scared, screaming and crying. After I recovered from that nightmare I looked at my tummy and stroked it as I said, "My little one, somehow I'll protect you." Finally, about a week later, I was able to go back to work. I spent the day helping with stocking and being a cashier. Eric or Mai stayed with me most of the day, but I didn't do as much as I usually did. I was more exhausted than I usually was so I went home and I just ate very little and went to bed. I was glad that Cali was still at my sister's as I would have had difficulty feeding her and wouldn't like ignoring her. I barely had enough energy to change into my nightgown. I must have been asleep by the time my head hit the pillow. Suddenly the door to my apartment was torn off its hinges and went crashing to the floor and Bob was standing in the doorway. I was standing at the kitchen sink and before I could move he was beating me down to the ground. He was on top of me and I heard his voice again, "I told you I'd come back." I woke up screaming and soaked in sweat. My whole body was shaking and my heart was pounding. "Again, and again, and again!" I shouted though my tears. "When will this nightmare end?" I considered again the one way to end it, suicide. 'I can't,' I thought. 'I have a baby growing in me. Besides, I promised the cop.' I turned the light on beside my bed. Cali was in her bed watching me. "Come here," I called and patted my bed. She leaped up and pounced on my bed and leaned up against me rubbing her face on my neck, purring. I curled up into ball holding Cali and cried softly afraid to fall back asleep but eventually I did. She gradually turned into Bob. He then tore off my clothes as he cut my neck. He was raping me again. Again I woke up screaming and realized that Bob was not there and Cali was still at my sister's. So I had a dream within a dream. Cali came home the next day. When I arrived home from work the next day I saw Cali asleep on the couch. Cali sleeps so much that sometimes I think that "Garfield" is awake more often. Mama and Rosa had picked up some things for me from the store so there was food in the apartment but there was no way I could eat. I knew Cali had to be hungry so I fed her that was her signal for her to wake up. Normally Cali ate everything I gave her right away but she just picked at her food and barely touched it. She just purred at my feet and rubbed against my legs. I picked her up and hugged her and sat in my big chair. I clinged to her and tried to shut the rest of the world out as I did my best to not think of anything but that was impossible. Mama called me a few times a day. I didn't say much to her. I knew she was trying but I just couldn't bring myself to talk to her. The words just wouldn't come from my lips. When I was on the phone with her my mind just shut down. A