Finding Lisa - Chapter 3 free porn video
Chapter 3
Let's stay together
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"BLOODY-HELL!" she exclaimed and threw her arms round me. "You look...
Blimey... What's...? Come in... holy shit!"
"Mandy! Mind your language!" said a voice from another room.
"Sorry dad!"
Giggling, we piled up to her room.
I felt elation that I had not felt in a long time, finding that Mandy was
not responsible for putting me in that God-awful position with Greg
Bridger at the Cordoba; it was just a complete misunderstanding. I guess
it was just a lack of understanding and patience, typical of a bunch of
hormone-driven teenagers.
Mandy was looking at me kind of strange a lot of the time.
Was it wonder or something else?
Look at me. I was back with someone who I suppose could be best described
as my best friend and there I was trying to find fault with everything
she did. Mind you, after having put up with the back-stabbing at home,
the name-calling, bullying and everything else at school, it's not
surprising. Not only that, but I had just turned up in a dress for God's
sake, I had to expect some strange looks, even from Mandy.
We chatted like nothing had happened and I was so pleased that Lily had
brought me here although I felt a little odd not having the others here
too. Perhaps that rift could be fixed as well, I mean, I thought I had
burnt my bridges with Mandy yet here I was.
"Hey, I got that new Blancmange album last week. Wanna hear it?"
"Go for it!" I said and as it played, we went through Mandy's magazines,
looking at pictures of Bowie, David Sylvian, Steve Strange and bands such
as Soft Cell, Thompson Twins, Yazoo (the Alison Moyet version) and were
comparing fashions and so forth.
It wasn't long after that the makeup came out and I was back in my
element. While I applied the makeup, I recounted what had happened,
bringing Mandy right bang up to date with the ongoing saga of
Paul/Suzanne.
"You left home? Cool!"
"It's not like that," I said. "I got so much stick after you lot made me
over last time that I decided I didn't belong there. Mum said to Lily and
Ray that if they wanted me, they could have me." I tried to sound off-
hand about it, but it still caught in my throat.
"You're kidding."
"No. Poor Lily was in tears. I don't think she likes my mum. Don't think
she ever has. She certainly doesn't now anyway. They've just been SO
nice. I don't think I'll ever be able to repay them." I could feel that
lump in my throat getting bigger and I tried to blink away the tears that
were threatening to blast forth and ruin my makeup (don't worry, I'm
slowly getting used to it).
"I really missed you all," I said, trying to deflect the emotional
avalanche that was happening.
"Me too," she said taking my hand and squeezing it.
"Are you going to have a sex change?" Mandy asked. Straight to the point;
that's my Mandy! It got my mind off of the emotional rollercoaster
anyway.
"Honestly? I don't know. If you'd have said to me a month ago that I
would be standing here now, in a dress, heels and doing your makeup, I'd
have laughed at you first, then shit myself, but here I am and it doesn't
feel odd, in fact, quite the reverse. It's only when I think about it
that I start to get cold feet."
"I can understand that," she said. "What about boyfriends?"
Boys?
Hmm. I didn't think that'd work.
I had been accused of 'looking' at the other boys in the changing rooms,
but it wasn't true, well not in that way anyway. Being near to boys was
for me, a threatening experience. Not one other than Ray had been nice
and thanks to Mr Georgeson, it felt like even the older ones, the ones
that had 'grown up' so to speak, appeared to be as duplicitous and
untrustworthy as the kids I had been forced to associate with.
About eighteen months or two years before this, boys in my year started
to develop hairy armpits and legs, muscles, facial hair and 'pubes' and
were generally getting bigger. Many of them had had their voices change,
but not me.
I HAD looked at the other boys, but it wasn't 'checking them out', it was
because they had sprouted and I hadn't, so I was making comparisons. I
was trying to figure when this was going to happen to me, why was my
Willy so much smaller than theirs, would mine get like that, would I look
like that too and why didn't I already?
I spoke to mum about this and all she could say was "don't worry it'll
happen to you sooner or later". In the meantime of course it had happened
or was happening to the other kids and I was getting left behind.
Thankfully, I wasn't alone, but by the time I had reached the last year
of school, I was the only one whose voice hadn't broken or who hadn't
developed physically and I was understandably worried, because suddenly I
wasn't the same as the others and wasn't getting treated the same either.
It had been a painful period and I really couldn't see myself getting
romantically involved with one of those very people who had made the last
two years of my life hell and turned me into a nervous wreck.
"I don't think so," I said finally, grimacing at the thought. "I'm really
into Lisa and I thought she was into me too, but I haven't seen her since
that day."
"Lisa?! I didn't think she was into girls."
"Lisa? Into girls? I'm not a girl."
"Aren't you? You look pretty girly from where I'm sitting. Hmm. Let me
see, dress, high heels - nice, makeup; definitely girl. Even when you
weren't dressed this way, I thought you were really a girl, leastways,
more girl than boy."
I sat down. I was too wasn't I; more girl than boy?
This was something I hadn't thought about.
If I was supposed to be a girl and I felt that was the probably truth of
the matter, was I supposed to be into guys? Wasn't that a prerequisite
for being a girl?
I certainly hoped not!
I mean I still dreamt of Lisa, the only girl I have ever kissed and
straight away, into my head came the memory of her; the softness of her
touch, her scent and well I didn't know what it was about her or any
other woman, but to forego that for a spiky-faced, hairy, inconsiderate
MAN?
I didn't think so.
I really couldn't reconcile the concept of changing what appealed to me.
If Lisa and I were not destined to be anything other than friends then I
could imagine other women appealing to me, but not men (as girly as some
of them looked at the moment and I was thinking of Marylyn and Boy George
et al).
Not exactly my cup of tea.
I felt odd. It was one thing to show myself to others as a girl, to
behave like a girl (which frankly I seemed to have been anyway), but
quite another if it meant I had to include male partners or a husband
figure. If that was the case then the deal was off.
It was late by the time we finished and Mandy's mum let me phone Lily. I
hoped I wasn't being too much of a nuisance by asking her to come and get
me, but somehow, I didn't feel particularly safe walking back at this
time of night.
"How did it go?" asked Lily.
"Alright. I'm surprised that she seems to have accepted it so readily.
Even I can't quite get to grips with it and there are some things that
scare me."
"Such as?"
"Boys for one," I said.
"That's something you'll have to talk to the good doctor about, but if
it's any consolation, you completely fooled her."
"Is that good?"
"I think so. She said she could spot someone with transgender issues
>from about half a mile. She didn't see YOU coming at all." she said
chuckling.
"Transgender?" I asked.
"Yes. It's where someone crosses the line between one gender and the
other."
I'd crossed the line alright. Most boys would find it hard to even touch
women's underwear (unless there was actually a girl inside it) under most
circumstances and there I was finding it hard to not to.
"What happens now then?"
"That depends largely on you; whether you want to stay as Suzie or Paul."
"Yeah, but it's a one way ticket isn't it?"
"Eventually, yes, but that part of things is a long way off yet. You
really are going to have to give this some thought before you go ahead
with anything. You'll be expected to live as a girl for a period of time
before you can consider that as an option."
"Yes, but I will have to won't I?"
"Not all do. Some live on the outside as a girl and still retain the male
sex organs."
"They do?" I asked, wondering why anyone would want that. Either they
were a girl or a boy weren't they?
I had so much to think about, but it looked as though going ahead with
Suzie was the best thing. I felt a lot more comfortable as Suzie than I
did as Paul, but then that wasn't difficult.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
School's out FOR EVER! (I know, but it's a perennial and seems to pop up
every year)
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The last week at school was much less fraught than I had expected, the
bonus being that I didn't have to be there anymore after my last exam.
That meant I had Friday off and fortunately, so did Mandy.
I spent that day as Suzie and Mandy and I went round the shops of
Brighton We got eyed up by boys, which surprisingly I found thrilling.
Being close to them wasn't quite so much fun though and I confess I had
my eye on more than one of the girls, not the boys.
They're so different. I didn't realise how big a gulf there was between
me and the boy I thought I was supposed to be until that moment and
although Mandy was in her element, I must have come across a bit
standoffish for which Mandy was peeved to say the least.
We ended up having a sandwich in a crowded little caf? and were chatting
away when I saw someone go past the window.
Lisa.
I got up and charged as fast as my heels would allow, outside and up the
street, leaving Mandy staring after me, mouth open full of cheese and
pickle.
"Lisa!" I shouted and the figure stopped, looked round, but looked right
through me. She was with her parents I think (who didn't stop) and when I
caught up with her, she was shocked.
"Er, oh, it's you!" she said.
The response was not what I had expected, nor what I had hoped for.
I was hoping for a fifties film type thing where the star-crossed lovers
see each other across a crowded railway station platform and run to each
other in slow motion while dramatic music builds up in the background.
Finally they fight through the crowds and catch each other in a
passionate embrace.
You get the picture?
Suffice it to say "er, oh, it's you" didn't really have the same impact.
"You're looking well." I said and tried to retain some semblance of
enthusiasm even though it was obvious that things were not as I hoped
they would be. It seemed that she had had more of an affect on me than I
had had on her.
"Yeah, you too. How have you been?" she asked, looking a little
uncomfortable.
"It would take too long to tell you, but I don't live at home anymore and
things are much better now thanks."
"You look er, good." she said and I tried to see whether that was saying
that I looked well presented or I looked GOOD (nudge, nudge), but
couldn't tell. "What are you doing down here?"
"Mandy and I are just window shopping. I was kind of hoping we could get
together, you know like we used to round at Mandy's? You, me, Mandy,
Julie and Caroline; just like old times."
"Maybe. Gotta go," she said and looked round to see her parents half way
up the street and waving with a look on her face that I couldn't read,
she ran off after them. "See ya!"
To say I felt deflated would be a very conservative way of describing
what I really felt as I plodded back to the caf?. I could see Mandy
standing outside the door looking up the road towards me.
"Lisa?" she asked.
"Yeah."
"How is she?"
"Fine I suppose."
"It's not the same anymore is it?"
"No." I said, and I couldn't help it, I was starting to cry.
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Can't get used to losing you
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That feeling of rejection after the indifference of Lisa's response
didn't go away. I was, I suppose, the epitome of a hopeless romantic
(although I preferred "new romantic" as the term then was), offering more
melodrama than a Bette Davis movie and moping round the house like a fart
in a trance.
I questioned being Suzanne at all. After all, it was Lisa's affirmation
of liking what she saw on the day of the Cordoba that made me go along
with it all in the first place. The kiss in the toilets just made me feel
if that was what being a girl was going to be like then I didn't ever
want to change, a fact that was strengthened by the kiss when she left me
at mum's.
The trouble was of course, it didn't last.
I didn't know whether Suzanne was the real me or whether she was just an
excuse to hold on to the memory of those two kisses; the only emotional
releases I had had in my relatively short life that had truly made my
toes curl.
I reverted to dressing as Paul and Lily didn't say anything, but I could
tell she was disappointed even concerned. Even Mandy, who didn't seem to
express a preference one way or the other, appeared to be more than a
little reticent around me and that just served to confuse me more.
"Right young lady," said Lily after the third day. "Come here this
minute. We have some things to talk about."
Young Lady?
Did she just call me Young Lady? I was Paul wasn't I?
Regardless of the mode of address, I went obediently and sat as once
again, Lily took out her pad.
"What is it?" she asked. I didn't know what she meant. What was what?
"What is it that's eating you?"
Ah!
It didn't take long before I was blurting everything out in one huge
great gush of words, sniffs, sobs and gesticulations. Lily's eyes went
wide as this torrent of "stuff" just poured out, crashing through the
space between us and bombarding her senses.
By the time I stopped, Lily just sat there looking shell-shocked.
"Oh," she said.
"Yes and now I don't know if she loves me or not, if I'm supposed to be
Paul or Suzie and... oh Lily, what do I do?" I cried.
Hugs came first.
Having spent years thinking that Lily didn't like me, she was the one
person now who could deliver a hug or a cuddle that just left me feeling
warm and snug, loved and content. Had I four legs and a soft furry coat,
I would have been purring loudly.
"Alright then. I can't tell you what to do and you obviously have
conflicting opinions about what or who you are, but you need to decide,
for your own sake one way or the other. These feelings will not go away
otherwise."
Lily said that at my age, relationships often didn't last long, however
much we wanted them to, so I had to face the fact that Lisa may well have
been doing a little "experimenting", seeing what it might be like to be
with another girl and since I wasn't a girl physically (regardless of how
I may have appeared), it satisfied her desire to see herself with a girl
by being with a boy who looked like a girl, as she was comfortable with
the boy part.
That seemed harsh. I knew it was only a hypothesis, but I couldn't
believe that she would have done that to me. Everything else pointed away
from that, but then what did I know?
It was my choice to believe otherwise and I felt there was more between
Lisa and I than just a bit of helping out. The kisses for a start (they
still make me go all goose-bumpy just thinking about them), the almost
kiss during makeup, the looks. There was so much that wasn't said. I
found a happy medium in my head and although I had outwardly accepted the
fact that Lisa and I were not going to happen, I chose quietly, not to
believe it was so.
It was true that every time things got a bit awkward, Paul would
resurface and I guess that because I had been Paul for the thicker end of
seventeen years, he was what I thought I should be. It was his insecurity
that kept bubbling to the surface, asking me whether I thought that
turning all girly was going to make everything better and I had to wonder
because right when the question was posed, things weren't alright.
Meeting Lisa outside the caf? and being treated so indifferently had hit
me hard and I guess that being emotionally inexperienced didn't help, but
I thought that she and I really had something that was 'special', worth
persisting with. As I said earlier, even if we didn't become intimate,
then at least we'd be friends. After that last episode, I didn't see
either happening.
As a result, Paul popped up once again to question the point of being
Suzanne, who up till then had been my happy place, but was it just
hiding? Was I just burying my head in the metaphoric sand or sweeping an
awkward childhood under the rug as it were? Was I just hiding in Suzanne
to try and make Paul's problems disappear or was Paul hiding >from
Suzanne?
Then it hit me.
As Paul, I was often mistaken for a girl. Perhaps it was my slight build,
my soft features, long hair. I didn't know, but one thing was for sure, I
never got mistaken for a boy when I was Suzanne. Not even in jeans,
without fake breasts or makeup.
I came to the conclusion that what other people were seeing may not have
been Suzanne, but whether I liked it or not, they weren't seeing Paul or
more pointedly, a boy.
Phew! That was one heck of a conclusion to come to! Scared the pants off
me I can tell you.
I made a choice and whilst it scared me to death, it scared me in a good
way. As Paul, being scared meant bruising, detention, humiliation and
worse. For Suzie, scared meant wondering about the future. It wasn't hard
to make a choice between being scared for life and limb and being scared
because the future was an unknown.
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Just what I always wanted
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I was starting to find my feet again and was getting back into being
Suzanne, which confused Mandy. She couldn't quite decide whether I was a
girl or girl trying to be a boy. I quickly pointed out that for her,
being a girl was all she'd known and came naturally, but for me, not only
did I have to learn how to be a girl, but also how NOT to be a boy. That
seemed to do the trick.
When I went to the good doctor Whaite, all the trials and tribulations
had to come out again. I have to say that I must have taken a rather over
simplified viewpoint on being either Suzanne or Paul since once I'd got
it squared up in my head, it became quite easy; logical. That was until
she asked me to explain things.
I thought it was simple, but you'd never have guessed with all the
questions she asked.
"Are you going to stick to it this time?"
"Yes." I said with my most affirmative voice. "I don't know which way
round I am, whether I'm a boy who's really a girl or a boy who's trying
to hide from himself by looking like a girl, but I intend to find out."
"In that case, might I suggest you make the name Suzanne permanent?"
"I can do that?"
"Most certainly. You're over sixteen. It will help in establishing your
new identity too."
Where I'd currently got to felt right on so many levels, I actually had a
feeling of positive anticipation about the future. So much so, that I
found myself walking around in an almost permanent state of wonder.
Suzanne was going to be a real, living, breathing person.
It had taken a good few weeks of intensive talking to and a number of
object lessons to get me there, but for the first time, I felt like I was
doing something right and regardless of what mum had to say or anyone
else for that matter, I was following my heart and my head, not someone
else's.
Speaking of mum, I received a phone call from her shortly after making
the request for my name to be changed by deed-poll to Suzanne Paula
Turner (I thought the 'Paula' touch would be nice, a mark of respect to
who I used to be).
The name didn't go down well with mum though. She was still convinced
that I was being led around by "that bloody Lily and Ray". At least it
wasn't my fault this time, but I was still saddened by the fact that
everything seemed to her to be someone else's fault all the time.
"I can't deal with this right now," she said and the phone went dead.
I stood there looking at the receiver in my hand. Were we just cut off or
had I just been excommunicated?
Despite mum's apparent lack of understanding, I thought the phone call
went quite well. I wasn't expecting her to be rational. It was easy for
me to understand, but for someone who wasn't the best at being a loving
and understanding parent, I had expected far less. I had almost
anticipated sparks flying out of the phone and a mushroom cloud, so I
suppose, yes, it went well.
The next thing to do was to get Suzanne Turner a job.
I liked that; Suzanne Paula Turner. Somehow, making that my REAL name
made me all tingly again.
Once again, I was beholden to Ray for this. He had refurbished a beauty
salon in the centre of Hove and Gwen, the owner, was a friend of his. He
got her to see me and as he said, the rest was up to me. So taking the
photos taken of the girl's makeup that I did, I went to see her.
It wasn't well paid and she could only manage part-time for me, but after
talking for some time and showing her the photos, she agreed to give me a
trial.
I was more surprised than anyone that I actually got the job and whilst
it was only part time to begin with, Gwen said that if I fitted in, there
was the possibility of going full-time and an apprenticeship to boot. I
think cloud nine was passed and the one I was on had fairly large calibre
double figures!
It was just as well that Lily and Ray didn't want any money for me
staying in their house.
"All in good time," they said. "Right now, let's get you on your feet."
So I spent the next couple of months working at the salon and soon was
given the opportunity to work there full time. I jumped at the chance
although Mandy was a little peevish about me continuing to work on
Saturday's. Not that I minded. I was still a 'stick-in-the-mud' when it
came to boys and I felt rotten for cramping Mandy's style.
Once I got to know the customers and found that most of them were
alright, I started to become a little less of a shrinking violet. One or
two of them I thought needed a punch up the bracket, as they wouldn't let
Steve the stylist near them on account of him being gay. They were
however happy to let me work on them as they had no idea I wasn't what I
appeared to be. I was only washing hair though, not cutting.
What I appeared to be...
It wasn't what I was. It was all a facade. I wasn't actually a girl. I
was a boy in girl's clothes and was beginning to think that this would
never change. How ever much I looked in the mirror and no matter how much
I told myself otherwise, I was still a boy and not a proper one at that.
I had heard the other boys talking about 'wanking', 'tossing-off' and
'hand-jobs', but in truth, I had no idea what they were talking about.
The slow development had left me with something that would occasionally
'rise to the occasion' as it were, but well never for long enough to do
anything with and as for orgasms... I'd never had one.
Watching Steve working, I could see that I was not like him. It wasn't
sexual orientation I had a problem with, it was MY orientation. The way
he lisped and minced around, the limp wrist. It wasn't female, more a
parody of female. He seemed to take a few key feminine mannerisms and
enlarge them, like a drag queen, larger than life.
I hoped to God that that wasn't how I came across.
I was strangely happy to know that I wasn't gay, well not in a man-man
way (that all seemed particularly yucky) and I was convinced that if Dr.
Whaite found out I was still attracted to women or girls, she might just
say "stay as you are then" and I didn't know whether or not to tell her.
I was pleasantly surprised when on my next visit to the good doctor, she
suggested starting hormone therapy.
"You're working now, your name is officially Suzanne Turner and you are
part of the community. I see no reason to delay the next step. In fact I
would suggest we did, before you start down the road of male puberty.
You're uncommonly late in this and under the circumstances it's likely to
work in our favour."
"What's hormone therapy?" I asked. I knew basically what hormones were,
both men and women had them and I knew that the males had testosterone. I
had heard this term bandied about when some of the bigger boys at school
were getting rowdy.
"There's too much testosterone in here." Sally George had said. The girls
all laughed as they left the room to stand out in the corridor and the
boys all went "Huh?" Typical!
It transpired that I was to be given female hormones to make my body
feminine.
Holy shit!
That was it. I was going to be changed and I felt guilty because I wasn't
telling Dr. Whaite the whole truth.
"Er, does this mean I've got to start liking boys?" I asked in a small
voice. I don't think anything has ever frightened me more than the
concept of being sexually aroused by the same group of animals that spent
their lives making me miserable at school.
"If you want," she said in an offhand way.
"You mean I don't have to?"
"You may find that your attraction changes as a result of the hormones,
but sexual orientation isn't the same as preference."
"It's not?"
"God Lord, no. Quite a number of transsexuals are like you. They prefer
females and it stays that way. Some change with the hormones and become
female with the desire to be with members of the opposite sex, well
opposite to their new identity anyway."
I was asked to drop my knickers and was given an injection.
I hate injections. "This won't hurt" they say, but it always does. Lily
was given a prescription for some pills or capsules which I was to take
daily.
I asked what this was and the doctor said that these would help my body
to change, to take on the appearance of a female's body. It wouldn't
happen quickly, but because I had still not entered puberty and was still
relatively young, this was likely to be quicker than others. I would
start to develop breasts, broader hips, slimmer waist more feminine
features etc.
"Wow! Breasts?" I asked.
Lily rolled her eyes and shook her head and doctor Whaite jokingly asked
whether this was such a good idea.
I was well on the road to becoming what I hoped would be what I was
supposed to be. It was at that point that something in me changed.
Suddenly, I felt very relaxed, very calm and I don't know whether it was
a result of the injection, but it felt like the boy in me said goodbye
for the last time.
Of course, no amount of injections or pills were going to get rid of that
one boy part, I would need surgery for that, but the rest of me felt one
hundred percent female. It was like one of those times when the mind goes
'click' and you just know that something is right.
"When will I start seeing results?" I said, wanting to be like other
girls I had seen that didn't look like they had one vital statistic for
every point on their body from top to bottom.
"Probably in about three months, maybe sooner," said the doctor and then
ran me through the general time-frame of how my body would react to the
hormonal treatment, which according to her, would be about two years.
It seemed so long, so far away, but I thought that at least I was moving
in the right direction. I may have been wearing the uniform of a girl up
until then, but hopefully it wouldn't be long until I actually looked
like one too - properly.
Bring it on...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Mhairi
- 07.06.2021
- 17
- 0
