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Allan In Wonderful Land Disclaimer: Any characters, events or whatever depicted in this story and the real world is purely coincidental. That very thought is too silly an too scary to contemplate. As to it's maybe copying a certain story by the author, Lewis Carroll, so what? This is a satire, a parody and just a silly comedic story, so get over with it and yourself at the same time. The use of the word, "fanny," in this story does not indicate a particular part of the female anatomy (for readers from Australia, New Zealand and any country connected with and including Great Britain). Rather it denotes a particular part of the human anatomy, namely, "the ass," "the arse," "the tush," or, "the buttocks." If this story proves to be politically incorrect, ageist, sexist or whatever nonsense, then so be it. Sheesh, this author isn't perfect, so there. Any other issues with this story, call your Mommy, call your Shrink or just plain call it a Day. Sit down, have some cookies and milk, read it and be quiet like a good little person. Dedication: This story is dedicated to all of you outside real world people who have may have asked one of the big questions in life, "Why am I a Boy?" or, "Why am I a Girl?' or maybe have speculated at one time or another, "What if I was born a Girl? or "What if I was born a Boy?" (in other words the opposite gender). Preface: What is Wonderful Land one may ask? Well it's a place if you took all the television episodes of, "The Twilight Zone," and, "The Outer Limits," got rid of the scary stuff and kept the quaint good stuff, then filled it with a populace of every mythological and magical creatures of the mind, added many just plain regular folks, threw in lots of eccentric other people, then added lots of magic, then you'd have Wonderful Land. Wonderful Land is a place when the ordinary is always the extraordinary and vice versa. Wonderful Land is both a real place and a dream place in the minds of everyone. Wonderful Land is a place where quaint little villages are sprinkled about extraordinary beautiful country sides. Wonderful Land it is always in, "The Merry, Merry Month Of May." Wonderful Land is a place where, "The Big Nasty," of the real outside world doesn't ever exist. Sure Wonderful Land does have it's microscopic issues and the eccentric, but, not like the major issues and the big nasty of the outside real world. There simply is no comparison. So, dear reader ..... Sit back and enjoy a wonderful and magical journey through Wonderful Land. Let you imaginations soar. ....... Chapter 1 - The Beginning The year was 1948. Allan David Archer was the youngest of seven siblings. His parents Samuel and Margaret were wealthy New Yorkers. They were very old money and very well off having an expensive apartment on Park Avenue in the city of New York and a large mansion in the Hudson Valley. Allan being the youngest (age 10) was still under the loving care of his governess Miss Bonnie Mars. Nest to his mother Allan thought Miss Bonnie was one of the most beautiful women both physically and internally in the world. They were not only governess and charge but were good friends also. Allan unlike his three manly brothers and father was often described as, " a sensitive child". Rather than sports, athletics and real boys things like that, Allan took the pursuit of reading, arts, studying and collecting pretty rocks he found around the valley. Allan didn't mind the company of his three lovely sisters even though they were just, "silly girls." In school Allan was a straight A+ student. Allan went to a very exclusive boys prep school, but much to his chagrin he got the worse possible label any boy could get, namely, "sissy," by the other boys because of his studious ways,. It was a very beautiful day in the spring, specifically in the month of May. It promised to be a nicely warm cloud free afternoon in the Hudson Valley that day. So, Miss Bonnie decided to take Allan on a picnic lunch down the garden path to a lovely place set in a grove of shading trees by a quaint lake. Oh, they had a lovely walk. They dined on a exquisite and divine picnic lunch prepared by the cook. After lunch, Miss Bonnie held Allan on her lap as they both sat under a large elm tree. Miss Bonnie began to read, "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn," to Allan as it was one of his favorite books. Soon both began to tire as the effects of their picnic did their sleeping magic. Soon both had nodded off. Chapter 2 - The White Fox Soon Allan was aroused fully awake to the sound of a tremendous rustling in the bushes not too far way. Miss Bonnie was not disturbed by all the commotion in the bushes and continued to sleep. What should appear before Allan's startled eyes but a white fox dressed in what he recognized as a butler's uniform. The white fox was running on his hind legs and was actually talking, or rather shouting frantically, "They are expecting me, I got to be there. I got to be there.." The white fox kept saying this over and over as he scurried along at a decent pace. "Oh, Mr. Fox!" cried Allan The fox only frantically answered, "I can't talk now, child. They are expecting me. I can't dawdle now. I got to be there. I got to be there.." Allan soon gave chase. Over hill and dale the chase was made in earnest. The white fox suddenly disappeared into bunch of bushes. Allan explored the area behind the bushes and discovered a tunnel. Figuring the tunnel was just high enough so Allan could walk down it he summoned up all his courage and decided to complete his pursuit of the white fox. Chapter 3 - The Mysterious Tunnel As Allan entered the tunnel he noted it to be not too very dark as he expected. There was a minimal amount of light so he didn't have to blindly grope his way along it's passage. Slowly he made his way deeper and deeper into the tunnel. Allan was a bit frightened as he inched his way down the tunnel. The floor of the tunnel was slightly slippery as it was a slightly wet. Suddenly Allan took a step or a misstep and fell down a vertical shaft, head over heels. Allan didn't fall like a rock as one would suspect, rather he floated down like a feather of what appeared to be an endless shaft. The light in the shaft became brighter and brighter as he floated downwards. As he floated there were lots of things floating down with him. It was almost like a rain storm of things floating downwards. There were things like salt shakers without pepper shakers, pepper shakers with salt shakers, combs without brushes, brushes without combs, tops without bottoms, bottoms without tops, nuts without bolts, bolts without nuts, jigsaw puzzles missing a part, parts missing a jigsaw puzzle, books missing pages, pages missing books, light bulbs without sockets, sockets without light bulbs and tens of thousands of socks missing matching socks. There were tons of stuff, missing tons of stuff and they all rained down, or floated down with Allan. On the way down Allan noted the walls were lined with lots of doors and landings. He tried to save himself by grabbing at door knobs. Every time he grabbed a door knob, the door became alive, a face would appear and would say, "Not this door child, try another door.." Well after about the thirtieth time and about to give up trying rescuing himself he grabbed at a final door and the door spoke, "Right this way child, right this way. Get thee immediately to the library. Now hurry up child, don't waste time and don't dawdle!." As he entered the door he thanked it politely for rescuing him from his endless downward float. He made his way down an endless small hallway. It was nice to be able to walk on legs again after his almost endless float down that mysterious endless shaft. After a half an hour it seemed Allan noticed off to the side of the hallway was what a appeared to be a big library type room. Peeking inside the room Allan noticed what seemed to be endless bookshelves containing an endless number books, lots of reader's desks, tables and chairs, a huge card catalog and all the other things a library should have confirming to him he must have the correct room. To Allan's observant eyes there were no people in the library at all. Cautiously he entered the mysterious room. Chapter 4 - In The Library of Mystery As he looked about the library, on one of the large library tables Allan noticed there were two cakes . On further inspection he noticed one was a rather plain chocolate cake with chocolate icing and one was a very fancy pink frosted cake with cream frosting and very elaborately decorated. There was a sign that read, "Eat all the cake you want, but you can only eat one cake only." Allan thought and thought about his choosing, but in the long run the fancy pink cake won out. It looked to be the most yummy. So Allan cut a generous portion of the pink frosted cake and sat down at the library table. As Allan sat down from out of nowhere came a pastel pink, laced trimmed napkin that unfolded itself and jumped on his lap. The napkin actually talked much to Allan's startle. "Hello, my name is, 'Nancy The Fancy Napkin.' I'm here to keep you spanking clean, child. Messy children are not tolerated here, child. Not at all!" the napkin said. Funny talking to a napkin, but, Allan being the polite child he was said, "Thank you Miss Nancy Napkin!" Just as he was about to take his first bite a jug of milk appeared accompanied by an empty glass. The jug of milk spoke, "Now child you can't eat your cake without milk, can you? I have some iced cold fortified milk inside of me that you can drink with you cake Please, let me pour you a glass of milk." Allan could tell it was fortified milk by the muscles on the handles on the jug and the muscular barrel chest of the jug. A tall glass of cold milk was poured into the glass. Allan thanked the jug for the milk. What a delicious cake, vanilla flavored, Allan thought as he downed each delicious morsel. He also noted the milk was especially cold and delicious indeed. Allan could only eat that one big slice of cake as he was still slightly full from the picnic lunch he had with Miss Bonnie. Noticing he was finished the napkin daintily wiped the crumbs from Allan's face and lips and gave him a little kiss on his rosy cheek and floated away to be cleaned. He yawned and stretched and suddenly there were bells and whistles going all over the place (very uncharacteristic of a library one may note). Then there was a huge pop sound and Allan felt his whole body in a major trembling. The bells and whistles faded away as Allan slowly recovered. As he fully recovered Allan noticed the tickling sensation of very long hair brushing his shoulders, back and around his face. He spotted a mirror and went over to it. Looking back from the mirror at Allan was a face he recognized as being his but it was a very feminine version of his face Allan was shocked yet bemused by the image in the mirror. He did look a bit strange dressed in his boy clothes looking like of all things, "A GIRL." His dirty blonde hair was now all in delightful shades of a butterscotch blonde, very long, pretty and very shiny. Allan was totally taken aback at his new look. "I'm a girl, I'm a girl," he said over and over again. Allan was shaken out of his staring in the mirror as a group of books walked by and started to giggle at the sight of him dressed as a boy looking like a girl. One book entitled, "Heidi," said in a German accent, "Child you look ridiculous. Get thee child to, "The Dressing Room". Yes, get thee child to, 'The Dressing Room' and don't dawdle." Soon the other books joined into a chorus of him getting himself to the dressing room. "Where is the Dressing Room?" Allan asked politely. He was pointed down a hallway and told to go down it until he met a door labeled "The Dressing Room". As the books walked away to file themselves he continued to hear the giggling, but the giggling faded away with each step the books took. Before venturing any further Allan noticed a sign printed in big letters with the words "Emergency Wonderful Land Escape Pods This Way" along with an arrow pointing in a particular direction. Soon two dancing pixies appeared carrying a similar sign and saying, "Emergency Escape Pods This Way," as they merrily skipped to the same direction. Allan was a bit lost as to what direction to go towards. There were the emergency escape pods, which seemed safe or there was the dressing room which seemed to be more adventurous. Decisions, decisions, follow the pixies or follow your adventurous heart. Allan was always a very curious lad and in spite of his so-called, "sensitiveness," and he was also a courageous lad. So for Allan it came down to a final decision, namely continue this strange adventure. So, off to the dressing room he went. On the way to "The Dressing Room" Allan met another character of what would soon become a whole host of very interesting characters. He met the Wonderful Land Head Custodian, Frank N. Fart. "Old Wind Bag," they call him as he was the test subject of a Wonderful Land science experiment performed by wizards to cure farting for ever. Poor Frank. On the bad side the wizards couldn't cure him of farting but only made it worse for him. But, on the bright side his farts no longer stank. Half a loaf is sometimes better to have than not to have a loaf in the first place. So, as a conciliation prize they made him Head Custodian of all of Wonderful Land. Frank. N. Fart was just one case of Wonderful Land science going awry a tad. You see, they tried to find a cure for burping also. Willie D. Lump-Lump (Wonderful Land's Official Royal Beer Taster) was the test subject on that one. Instead of curing him of his frequent burping they only succeeded in making it much louder. So, sometimes as you walk through Wonderful Land on a very peaceful day, your peace maybe slightly interrupted by an enormous, "B-E-L-C-H!" Don't worry, it's just Old Willie. Wizards are still trying to work out the bugs on that one. Meanwhile, Wonderful Land science, technology, progress and Allan marches on. Briefly in the lull time between Frank's fanny explosions and eruptions Allan was able to get clearer directions to, "The Dressing Room," as Allan was still in a bit of a tizzy after eating the pink cake and suddenly becoming a girl. Chapter 5 - The Dressing Room At the end of the hallway was a door and over the door was a sign printed with the words "The Dressing Room" on it. On the door was a sign that read, "Ring Once And Wait To Be Served." Allan rang the door bell once as instructed and waited patiently. Five minutes went by as Allan nervously tapped his shoes. The door was suddenly opened by a rather tall matronly type woman. "Hello child. I'm Mrs. Wanda Wickes, welcome to 'The Dressing Room', please come in. Now don't dawdle." Noticing Allan's boyish attire and his girlish looks, as he entered the dressing room Mrs. Wickes said to a group of her assistants, "Ladies we have another boy who ate the pink cake." Looking at Allan she said, "Oh, honey it brighten our day when a boy eats the pink cake or a girl eats the chocolate cake. Now honey bunch we can't have you running around all over the place so looking ridiculous in silly boys clothes. I mean a little girl like you dressed as a silly boy. Come with me child, this instance. Don't dawdle." Soon Alan was surrounded by at least eight giggling and very giddy female brownie (the fairy tale type, not the junior Girl Scout type) assistants. They took Allan stripped him of his boy's clothes and soon had him in a floral scented bubble bath. Before they got him in the bath he spotted a quick glance of his nakedness in a mirror. Sure enough the boy naughty bits between his legs had been replaced by girl naughty bits he noted (Allan knew this because he had secretly seen pictures of naked women and men in some National Geographic Magazines (very racy literature way back then)). They had him bathed, his now long hair shampooed, conditioned, then they had him powdered and perfumed. They plucked his eyebrows into a lovely arch, It hurt like "H - E - Double Toothpicks" getting his eyebrows plucked and shaped, but Allan was not that "sensitive". Wrapping him in a soft pink terry cloth robe they went to work on his toenails and fingernails painting them a lovely shade of bubble gum pink. While this was going on his hair was very slightly and lightly trimmed and set in big rollers. One assistant made up his face with a little blusher, mascara and bubble gum pink lipstick. When his nails were dry, face made up and hair in rollers they set about dressing Allan in earnest. First were frilly pink bloomer style panties, pink satiny training bra, pink camisole, white multi layered petticoats, white knee socks and a pink pair of Mary Jane shoes were all put on him. Next came his dress a pink soft cotton play dress, with trimming of short banded sleeves in white and a pert little collar also in white. The dress came to slightly below the knee length on Allan. After his dress was buttoned up the back they added a frilly white cotton pinafore over his dress and tied it in the back in a big bustle like bow. With all this dressing his hair soon became dried in the process. So he was sat down and his rollers were taken out. Mrs. Wickes took charge of his hair. She brushed it, combed it, sprayed it and styled it into oblivion. She took a long wide pink ribbon, took some hair toward the crown of Allan's head, slid the ribbon under that bunch of hair and tied a large bow in it with pretty pink streamers going down the back of his new hairdo. His hair felt lighter, smelled wonderful and had a lovely natural bounce to it. He finally got to look at the new Allan. Oh, was Allan amazed on how much a pretty little girl he had become. His long hair fell in soft waves and soft curls across his shoulders and down back and the front and sides of his now angelic face clear down to the top of his training bra. His bangs were deep and tickled his forehead and just met the tops of his now arched eyebrows. He felt so pretty. He politely thanked all the ladies. Mrs. Wickes said, "Well we've out outdone ourselves girls this time. Oh, it is so much more fun dressing little boy pink cake eaters and little girl chocolate cake eaters, sweetie. You made our day (the assistants clapped in agreement). Now, we can't have a pretty little girl like you named Allan David can we Honey Bunch? The next step you have to take is to go to 'The Naming Room.' Be a good little girl and take the elevator up two floors and you'll find it. So, don't dawdle and run along child. We hope you get a lovely name to match the lovely new you." Before he left for "The Naming Room" Mrs. Wickes said, "Here darling is your special lovely departing gift, 'The Dressing Room Going Away Purse.' It has all the necessary things that all little girls, like you are now, need to keep herself all pretty. Now off you go to 'The Naming Room'. Don't dawdle, young miss." It was a pink shoulder strapped purse that was able to be slipped under and secured at the top of his pinafore so he'd not lose it. The purse dangled daintily under his arm and swayed in a delightful manner as Allan walked. Chapter 6 - The Naming Room As Allan made his way out of the dressing room towards the elevator he noticed his new girl clothes felt so much different from his old boy clothes. The clothes were much more softer and not scratchy as his now former boy clothes were. His dress and petticoats, swished and swayed and tickled his legs which made him occasionally giggle. They made a sweet rustling sound which became a sweet music to his ears, His hair bobbed and bounced with every step he made. He just felt so darn different now, but with each step he took he grew to love his new difference more and more. He took the elevator up two floors and there was a door clearly marked "The Naming Room." Outside of the Naming Room was a kindly looking elderly male gnome. He looked at Allan and in a kindly voice he said, "My, oh my you must be a former boy pink cake eater looking for a name." "Yes, kind sir. I am looking for a name." "Well young lady this way. When you get inside there will be two doors. One is painted PINK for GIRLS and one is painted BLUE for BOYS. Beware to use the CORRECT door, the PINK door going into the PINK Room, or you'll explode yourself and the dang room. Exploded Naming Rooms are such a royal pain in the donkey to clean up and re-calibrate. Now go quickly and don't dawdle child." "Thank you kind sir for the warning." Allan made his way to the PINK door, opened it and walked inside. The room was very sparse, but the walls were in a lovely shade of pastel PINK so Allan knew he had entered the CORRECT room. He closed the door. Soon girl names started floating down from the ceiling. He was surrounded by girl names everywhere. The names attempted in vain to stick themselves to Allan but all just wouldn't stick. Hundreds of girls names floated by and attempted to adhere to Allan. Allan was afraid a silly name would attach itself to him. When the name "Hortense" attempted to stick to him but failed he breathed a big sigh of relief. Finally the name "Jennifer" stuck to him like glue. The floating names stopped. Soon the name "Jennifer" was magically embroidered on the bodice of his frilly white pinafore within a lovely frame of pink daisies. Allan loved his new name. He saw a sign saying "Exit" and left the room with his new name. On the way out into the hallway he was bumped into by a messenger nymph who handed him a pink envelope and she said read the letter inside, as quickly as you can, as she scurried by. On the envelope was marked "Case Number BWATPC- 87001987-A." He opened the pink envelope and there were instructions on a pink letter for him to go outside down the path marked "Wonderful Land Governmental Offices and Capitol City Pathway. Bring the envelope and the letter with you for faster service. Go to building seven, third floor to the Faerie Godmother Assignment Office, immediately, Don't dawdle, child." Chapter 7 - Faerie Godmother Assignment It was a lovely day walking down the pathway to the governmental offices at Capitol City. Lots of pretty flowers lined the pathway and birds were chirping merry tunes. Fairies hovered in the air, sprites danced in the water, nymphs pranced in the forest, oh it was a grand day indeed. On the way down the path Allan encountered some flowers rising from their beds and yawning. One flower in particular looked at Allan and said, "Oh, you're such a pretty little young lady. Where is such a sweet miss like you off to?" "Ma'am, I'm off to the government offices, specifically to the Faerie Godmother Assignment Office." "Oh, you must be new here in Wonderful Land. Perhaps an outsider and perhaps a boy who ate the pink cake, I suspect." "Yes, Ma'am, I'm an outsider and I, was a boy, I think, and I did eat the pink cake." "Oh, that explains it," the flower said as her five rising fellow flowers giggled. Allan and the six flowers had a darling little chat. The flowers first introduced themselves. There was violet flower named "Daisy," a daisy named "Violet," a rose named "Petunia," a petunia named "Rose," a pansy named, "Iris," and a iris named, "Pansy." Allan was so curious of the flower name and flower type mix ups he made a query. Well, it seems like the week the flowers came out of the seedling state and came into full bloom for the first time a inexperienced trainee elfin gardener who wore thick coke bottle type eyeglasses was on duty. He mixed up the signs, like a silly goose. Once named in Wonderful Land, like in "The Naming Room" the name usually sticks. Alas, even on that day of the misnaming of the flowers , "The Naming Room," was on the fritz. It seemed like a very befuddled boy and girl entered the wrong rooms at the exact same time. They and the rooms exploded. The rooms then had to be cleaned up and recalibrated and the boy and the girl, using all the magical spit, glue and Scotch and duct tapes required were reassembled by our confident and most able custodial staff. "Why do names in Wonderful Land generally stick?" you may ask. Well the Wonderful Land Official Government Re-Naming Office is staffed by only one person. That person is Twyla Twinkle-eyes, Wonderful Land's most beautiful Fairy Princess In Waiting, expert feng shui artist and anal all ducks in a row expert. (Many, and I do mean "MANY" a Prince In Waiting has fought a Royal Squirt Gun Duel and/or Royal Water Balloon Throwing Contest for her hand and affections.) With her the official 25 page application for a name change must be filled out correctly, presented to her in triplicate (no Xeroxing allowed) , in a very extremely neat and tidy condition, each copy sealed in an official government envelope with the correct address in a neat and tidy calligraphy and with a official Wonderful Land smiling face postage stamp correctly applied in the upper right hand corner of each envelope. Twyla Twinkle-eyes then inspects each envelope and it's contents, either accepts them or rejects them. If she accepts them she forwards each to their proper government agency, who in turn either accepts or rejects the application and if accepted they are them forwarded to their next destination (and so on and so on). Oh, dear reader, this re-naming process can take literally decades to complete. Add to that the fact that sometimes Twyla Twinkle-eyes sometimes likes to add her own personal embellishment to names and you can imagine what a whopping process it can be. For instance just last week, after fifteen years a boy gnome who was named "Sue" finally got his name changed to "Eddie" (as requested in his application). But Twyla Twinkle-eyes in her eccentricity and natural anal need to embellish things added "Baby" to it. So the boy named "Sue" is officially renamed to "Eddie Baby" (much to his chagrin). So one never expects perfection in a name and what one may want as a name in the long drawn out, royal pain in the donkey re-naming process. "Once you get named, just go with the flow," is the Wonderful Land motto and adage. Allan soon had to bid his farewell to the flowers as he need to move onward in his journey. The flowers bid him a fond farewell, wished him oodles of luck and good fortune and told him not to dawdle. On the way to the government offices Allan came upon a pond. Standing the pond were a bunch of very tall birds (as tall as flamingoes he noted). There were blue colored birds in a group and there were red colored birds in another group. They all seemed to be the same type of birds except for the colors. Two birds, one blue and one red, in particular were facing each other in profile from Allan. All of a sudden, much to Allan's surprise, the blue bird spat a huge slimy wad right into the face of the red bird. The red bird turned to face Allan. The red bird had a look of total disgust and surprise on it's face as oodles of a white colored slime dripped down from it's face. The blue bird pointed it's blue wing at the red bird and started not only laughing hysterically at the red bird, but, also chanted, "Schmock! Schmock! etc.," at the red bird to enhance it's plight. Allan himself found this sight rather amusing as he giggled hysterically like school girl tickled by a bunch of feathers. On further inspection Allan noted there was a fairly large sign posted at the edge of the pond that read "Beware Of The Schmocking Hocking Birds!" Allan soon gained his composure and continued his journey. Over his shoulder Allan saw a now look of total disgust on the face of the blue bird as gobs of white slime dribbled from his face. Soon Allan reached a hill over looking the magnificent Wonderful Land Capitol City. The whole city consists of a huge Capitol building, a beautiful palace and seventy five other government buildings along it's many broad boulevards. Beautiful homes also line it's many shaded streets. Magnificent kept green lawns, well appointed streets and flowers everywhere (correctly named) dot it's lovely landscapes. Every building has had it's interior decorated in the highest of standards all the way down to lovely window treatments. Who wouldn't want to live in such and ideal place? Well, nobody does. The people of Wonderful Land when the finished building Capitol City felt it just to lovely for anyone to actually live and work there, so it's just a show piece for tourists. Now Wonderful Land Capitol City is very easily maintained. We have "The Wonderful Land Capitol City Magical Custodial Flying Faerie Squad" who flit about dinging their faerie wands keeping the place nice and tidy. Actually, only building seven really works as it was built to be used for. Tourists are always in awe as they visit especially the Edsonian Museum of Wonderful Land and Outside World Oddities. What is the Edsonian, one may ask. Well it is a museum named after Ed, a faerie, Wonderful Land's biggest collector, amasser and bi-polar compulsive hoarder of all times. Ed collected virtually everything into the biggest junk pile imaginable. We here in Wonderful Land spent months going through his junk. We kept the good stuff, recycled the bad stuff, built six buildings in Capitol City to house all the rest of it and the wizards concocted a nice soothing potion to ease poor Ed's little compulsive head. There are lots of paintings from outside artists (Van Gogh, Picasso, Renoir, etc.), Cleopatra's golden toothpick, Honus Wagner baseball cards even Amelia Earhart's missing Electra plane (she and her navigator accidentally flew into Wonderful Land and refused to leave, so they are now citizens), and tons of other stuff that would be of great value in the outside word. There is also a big statute of "Donna Dee Dum-Dum" Wonderful Land's Zaniest Person Of All Times centrally located in Capitol City. Well here's one of my many side tracks. Years ago our wizards invented a machine. When they turned on the machine, it coughed, whistled, spat before it just stood and hummed. The machine did basically nothing else, just sat there and hummed, that's all. One day good ol' Donna had the fortune or misfortune to be sitting on the machine when the wizards turned it on. Now, Donna, bless her heart, was already slightly screwy. Donna got the full effect of the machine and suddenly became super zany in a nice way though. She went boo-boo silly. Now she roams Wonderful Land accosting people in a zany way. She'll come up to you, tickle you silly under your arms, tweak your nose, tease your hair, pinch your cheeks and give you the biggest and juiciest lipstick kiss of all times on your pursed lips. Then she'll just prance and dance away singing a merry tune. People in Wonderful Land consider it an honor to be so accosted in such a zany way. They even have the official "I Got Zapped By Donna" pin for those honored in such a silly and zany way. Meanwhile the machine was retired to the Edsonian with a warning sign, "Never, Ever, Under Any Circumstances Turn On This Machine Or You'll Get Your Mouth Washed Out With Soap, Spanked And Put To Bed Without Your Supper, Period And We Mean It, Stupid!." Back to our story. Allan found building seven. He notice many a flying shopping cart (explained latter in this story) and flying magic carpet in the large parking lot. He and made his way up the steps to the third floor of building seven. He entered the room marked "Faerie Godmother Assignments" and was greeted by a receptionist. "Can I help you, young lady?" asked the receptionist. "Yes, Ma'am," Allan said as he handed her his envelope and letter. Over a microphone at her desk she announced, "Anybody handling Case Number BWATPC- 87001987-A?" with a bit of amusement in her voice. A very tall beautiful blonde woman appeared dressed in a black business suit. "Hello, my name is Ms. Sharon Sparkle I've been assigned your case. Come with me child and don't dawdle." She took Allan's hand and escorted him to her cubicle. By the way Sharon Sparkle is a dead ringer look a like of the outside real world actress Sharon Stone. "Please have a seat child," she said as she pointed to a chair in front of her desk. Allan unused to his dress and petticoats made a halfway attempt to sit down. This didn't go without notice by Sharon Sparkle. Sharon Sparkle then spoke, "I'm your Faerie Godmother. I know you'd didn't expect to see me in this business suit. Well we faeries godmothers got liberated last year, but if it will make you happy I'll go into traditional mode just for you. Got to keep up with the stereotypical mode, I guess." At that point Sharon removed a magic wand from her desk and dinged herself on the top of her head. Then she was magically transformed into a traditional faerie godmother. Long beautiful pastel satin blue gown, long flowing blonde tresses and a shining tiara in her hair gave Allan the traditional look he would have expected. "Well child let's get down to business. I see you're a boy who ate the pink cake by your case number. That's what the initials 'BWATPC' stands on your case file for, namely 'Boy Who Ate The Pink Cake.' I haven't had a case like yours in a few years so this maybe very interesting indeed. I'll be you constant spiritual guide from now on. I see by the name embroidered on you pinafore your new first name is 'Jennifer'. I need your new middle name for my records. I know middle names are never used much and maybe useless, nonetheless I need it. What is your middle name child?" "I'm sorry Ms. Sparkle I didn't get a middle name in The Naming Room, I don't think." "Sure you did child, Stand up and turn around middle names can attach themselves anywhere. Heck, there was this girl chocolate cake eater who once unknowingly inhaled his middle name. We held him for three days looking or his middle name. Lucky for him it was hay fever season. He ended up sneezing out his middle name and we were able to process him." Allan stood up and slowly turned around. "Ah ha, there it is stuck to the back of your dress. Middle names are so shy as they aren't frequently used as much as first names. Well, it seems like you middle name is 'Elizabeth'. So you're Jennifer Elizabeth Archer. Hum, you can even use a shortened version of both your first and middle names and call yourself 'Jenny Beth' if you wish. It'll make your middle name happy." The name Elizabeth was added magically under the name Jennifer embroidered on his pinafore. "Well now that I have you officially entered as my newest client we now have to get you to 'The Quick Girls Schooling Academy' so you can be a proper little miss. So, child take my hand and let's go. Don't dawdle." For the reader: Dawdling children in Wonderful Land are not tolerated by the citizens. There are the "Juvenile Anti-Dawdling Laws" on the books. Minor dawdling children literally get a slap on the wrist. In severe cases dawdling children are required to run a mile long gauntlet of clowns throwing pies at them. There was a rather sad case of a boy child who was found guilty of severely dawdling. The poor lad was so traumatized in having to run the gauntlet of pie throwing clowns, afterwards he ran buck naked through Wonderful Land City pie stained, telling everyone he met, "I'm Blibidy Blib-Blib," as he fanned his lips vigorously with his finger. They had to take him in a straight jacket down to, "The Grand Wonderful Land Hotel Silly," and the resident magician doctor literally shrank his head so it would have time to heal. The lad was out in two days all Jim Dandy and Peachy Keen. Needless to say he never ever dawdled again. You know it seems clowns and pies seem to go together very naturally. This author remembered that once she was on her way to her office on the seventh floor of her building where she worked. Well as I got on the elevator I was suddenly accosted by three clowns as the pushed themselves and me into the opening elevator. It turned out that the trio were potential clowns-in-training. The trio uttered a chorus of, "Sorry, Ma'am, we can't be late today. It's final exam day." I forgot, silly me, that the Wonderful Land Clown College took up the entire eighteenth floor of my office building. Quickly I got off on my seventh floor and forgot this little incident. As I was sitting at my desk enjoying a cup of Wonderful Land Triple Espresso and Double Latte, eating a divine peach Danish and reviewing my daily paper there suddenly came a tapping at my window. It was more of a slightly louder rapping rather than just a tapping. Coffee in hand I went to the window. Somewhat startled I saw nine clown suspended in mid air outside of my office window. Opening my window one of the clowns said, "See we told you we might be late for our final exam. We're having to rush through it." With that the bunch of clowns wished me a good day and continued their decent. Far below I could see an enormous pie (Cherry I was to find out shortly). The pie was covered in a mass amount of whipped cream. Surrounding the pie were at least a couple of hundred people awe struck at the sight of that huge pie. Two basic sounds greeted the rather awe struck and unsuspecting crowd. One was a chorus of, "YAHOO!', followed with a chorus of laughter from the clowns and the final sound was a horrendous "SPLAT!" as nine clowns landed dead center in the middle of the pie. The startled crowd now pie and whipped cream splattered, first shocked, joined the clowns in hysterical laughter. Soon miniature pie fights broke out to everyone's merriment. I wished I had been there having some of that wonderful fun, but, alas I had clients waiting me. All nine clowns passed their final exam that day. Back to our story .............. Sharon Sparkle taking her magic wand made a big ding and soon she an Allan were immediately transported away in the blink of an eye. Chapter 8 - The Quick Girls Schooling Academy They were magically transported to the garden of what appeared to be a old southern plantation the type you'd see in the movies. There were several ladies dressed in the traditional long southern belle dresses, with long sausage curled hairdos, big picture frame hats, sporting white gloves and shaded by parasols sitting on the veranda sipping iced tea and eating cucumber sandwiches. Meanwhile out in the garden there were lots of little girls frolicking and playing nicely under the supervision of the ladies. One of the ladies stood up and greeted Sharon and Allan. With a very thick southern accent she uttered, "Oh, Sharon it's been ages since we last saw each other. How are things in Faerie Godmother Land?" "Oh they are just lovely, Belle." They exchanged small talk for a while. "Who is this lovely little angelic girl you have in tow Sharon?" "This is Jennifer Elizabeth Archer. She's another case of a boy who ate the pink cake. Jennifer this is your teacher 'Miss Belle Montgomery'. She'll teach you all you need to act like a sweet young lady. Now be a good girl and go with Miss Belle while I have some iced tea and talk with the other ladies." "Why, aren't you a precious little girl, Jennifer Elizabeth. So pretty, yet you still act like a boy I'm sorry to see. You need some quick girly lessons, so welcome to 'The Quick Girls Schooling Academy'." Allan looked out at all the pretty dressed little girls having so much fun playing in the garden and asked, "Miss Belle who are all those girls?" "Well, sweetie pie, some are real girls who ate the proper pink cake and some are boys who ate the pink cake like you. They all come to us in their dreams where we re-enforce their training as proper little ladies. You see even sometimes when boys who eat the chocolate cake or girls who eat the pink cake and try to use our magical escape pods that sends them back to the outside real world occasionally has a major boo- boo. They either wait for the next emergency escape pod or in some cases they simply make a choice, like you did, and continue on their journey through Wonderful Land. That's how we get the real girls who ate the pink cake and the real boys who ate the chocolate cake and didn't use the emergency escape pods. You see child we have the male opposite, for real boys and girls who ate the chocolate cake they go to 'The Quick Girls Schooling Academy' it's called 'The Quick Schooling Young Gentleman's Academy'." "Oh, I see Miss Belle," said a respectful Allan. As they passed a water fountain, reaching into a pocket in her long southern belle gown Miss Belle took out two pink pills and said, "Now, child I want you to take these two pills. They may taste bitter and nasty but you've got to take them." Allan took the two pills and with a big sip of water downed the nasty tasting pills. Suddenly there was a hot rush in Allan and anther huge pop sound and then a cool down. Allan then starting acting like a real little girl, a very prissy young girl, one might add. Oh his head starting filling with so many different thoughts. "I must have more pretty clothes. I must have a girls bedroom. I must have a dolly." Suddenly a whole host of new ideas and needs arose in Allan' head. He now had strong desires to learn all about fashion, makeup, hairstyling, sewing and the whole gamut of girlish things. On and on these thoughts and other new thoughts raced across his mind. He giggled and carried on just like a silly school girl. He was broken out of his new thoughts by Miss Belle. "Well pumpkin I see the quick girl training pills did their magic. Now for your final exam." Allan was shown a series of pictures. For Question One - He was shown a picture of A.) a cute little brown puppy with a blue bow around its neck and picture of B.) a cute little white bunny with a pink bow around its neck and he was asked to make his choice. Allan chose B. For Question Two - He was shown a picture of a male toy figure dressed in army fatigues and he was asked is the picture that of, A.) A Boy Doll, or B.) An Action Figure? Allan chose A. For a final trick question Allan was asked, "What is the Capital of New York State?" A.) Albany or B.) A Dollar Seventy Five Cents. Allan chose A. "Well darling you've passed your final exam, You've now graduated 'The Quick Girls Schooling Academy'. Here is your lovely graduation pin for your darling little dress." She pinned the pin on Allan's dress, gave him a hug and a kiss on his cheek. Allan did something he had never done before and curtsied to Miss Belle and sweetly said, "Thank you very much Miss Belle for my girl training. This certainly is a wonderful quick, and I do mean quick, school. I feel ever so girlish now." "Well darling, we pride ourselves in quickness and loath any dawdling on our parts. Now, Remember you can always come back here in your dreams and have just oodles of fun playing with complete and properly trained young girls just like you are now. Never forget that." "Oh. I won't forget. Miss Belle!" Just then Sharon Sparkle appeared and said, "How did the training go, Belle?" "Oh, just marvelous. Miss Jennifer Elizabeth is such a prissy little girl now and loves being a girl ever so much. Don't you child?" "Oh, yes, Miss Belle I love being a girl now it's so wonderful," Allan said after dropping a respectful curtsey to both ladies. Allan then asked his Faerie Godmother if they could go shopping. He wanted lots of girls clothing and accessories, new bedroom furniture, a redecorated bedroom and most of all he wanted his first dolly. He pleaded very politely. "Well, I guess we'll have to stop by, "The Big Little Shopping Mall," on our way back," said Sharon Sparkle. They all said their good byes. Sharon Sparkle waved her magic wand and soon they were transported again. Chapter 9 - The Big Little Shopping Mall Sharon Sparkle dinged her magic wand and they both were magically transported to the outside entrance to, "The Big Little Shopping Mall." Lucky for both of them everything was on sale that day at the mall. It happened to be, "The Tri-Annual National Un-Party Party Day Sale.." Actually, in Wonderful Land everything is really FREE. They only put price tags on things for two reasons, one to give lonely price tags some sort of employment and two, to make themselves feel they are actually spending money and saving money. Oh the mall was really jam packed that day. There were elves, sprites, nymphs (wood, forest and mountain), pixies, gnomes, trolls, ogres, fairies, faeries, imps, leprechauns, clowns and all other creatures both real, imagined and mystical galore. Lots of yetis and big feet and even Nessie from Loch Ness and Champ from Lake Champlain were out swimming in total love bliss together in the big Wonderful Land Lake outside of the mall. Allan even noted a few flying saucers or UFO's in the parking lot, several of which were double parked. Meanwhile the mother of all UFO mother ships sat motionless in the sky. The double parked vehicles were being quickly ticketed by the ever vigilant Wonderful Land Police Force. ....... Time for a little Wonderful Land big side bar on Aliens and UFOs. .............. (Woo! Now don't be too scared, kiddies) All those alien abductions are for a specific purpose. You see those scary gray type aliens that are kidnapping some of you have a purpose for why they are doing this. All those little scary gray aliens with the big deep scary black eyes and wearing those scary gray uniforms are actually wearing scary Halloween costumes. Underneath those scary costumes are really aliens that look like your very cute and typical eight to ten year old Earth children. You see perfect examples of them in your Children Beauty Pageants. The really tall scary gray aliens are just scary robots or androids. All those scary images are just human mind control and projections. All the rest of the scariness is supplied by ample amounts of human Hollywood, Media, personal and whatever paranoia you all are err to. Authors Notation: What's all this hoopla and propaganda over aliens coming down to Earth just to probe human fannies? I mean, since the alien's society, technology and intelligence is far ahead of human society, technology and intelligence, you think they'd cross the vast expanse of outer space just to kidnap humans of Earth and probe their fannies? I say give them a break, period. They're not stupid morons, perverts or silly idiots, sheesh. Well, that's not entirely true, Sometimes our cute little space aliens get a tad playful. On occasion, in a very playful mood they do insert something up some abductees fannies. The playful little space aliens love to see you humans pucker your lips and moan softly as their instrument goes up your fanny. Well, that's about as nasty as we'll get in this story. By the way the aliens are really space imps from the planet called "Impanema." Actually they are all fun little playful and super sweet space imps. Their purpose for abducting humans is they are harvesting human snot, belly button lint and ear wax. When these elements are combined with their explosives they use generally in their mining operations it creates a very special explosive called "Shush-A-Boom." "Shush-A-Boom" is THE universes most silent explosive. Impanemaeans tend to be a tad skittish and like most people hate loud noises, (loud noises scare the woo out of them) thus the need for silent explosives. In very tiny amounts, "Shush-A-Boom" can be used to clean or clear out anything from clogged pipes to even clogged sinuses. WARNING: The makers of, "Wonderful Land Alien Technology Shush-A-Boom Instant Nasal Un-Clog" cannot be held responsible for the side effects of it's use. Side effects can include such things as: 1.) persistent ringing of a telephone in one's ears for one hour after use, 2.) one's brain being totally numb for the same one hour period, and, 3.) one's feeling utterly stupid and silly in an attempt to answer a non existent ringing telephone. Other side effects may include, skittishness, nervous and/or involuntary ticks, babbling, burbling, fanning one's lips constantly with a finger, seeing stars from Hollywood, the Universe and/or both, seeing your childhood invisible talking playmate in the flesh. talking to your yourself and telling yourself bad jokes and puns and giggling at them, constant crying for your Mommy, sudden urges to go to your local cemetery and screaming your lungs out in an attempt to wake the dead and peeing in your panties constantly. If these side effects occur contact your nearest wizard or witch for a magical potion/elixir antidote. Authors Personal Note: This author once took the instant nasal un-log for a cold once. This author saw and heard a chorus of Doris Day, Alice Faye, Tina Fay, Danny Kaye, Eydie Gormet, Robert Goulet, Mel Torme, Gordon MacRea, Carmen MacRae, Rachael Ray, Tessie O'Shea, Milo O'Shea (and even Chessie from the Chesapeake Bay) all standing on the rings of Saturn singing "In The Merry, Merry Month of May" as a little side effect. But look on the bright side, your sinuses will be clear for a month or so. Gone will be Old Mr. Nasty Stuffy Nose and Old Mrs. Nasty Post Nasal Drip too. Look on the bright side, kiddies! We here in Wonderful Land look forward to their visits. Especially we look forward if they are here during their "Impanema Space Blaster Day." Now on space blaster day the space imps hand out space blasters to all of us here in Wonderful Land. Everybody runs around blasting each other with their space blasters. Getting hit by a space blaster is like getting hit by lot of tickling hands or feathers. You end up laughing your fanny off for about fifteen minutes. Oh, Wonderful Land is filled with merriment and glee on space blaster day. The chorus of giggles, laughing, guffaws, chuckles, tee-hees, big belly laughs, rolling on the floor laughing one's fanny off and many a snicker fills the air so delightfully on that day. So, go figure if some cute little eight year old kid came up to you and kindly and politely asked you for your snot, belly button lint and ear wax, just what would you think or do? Thus dear readers the need for all that super scariness. Now that this author has virtually explained the UFO Phenomenon might as well explain the Bermuda Triangle mystery thing. You see there is this intermittent portal that opens occasionally from the Real World to Wonderful Land. Real World water and air craft cross over between these worlds and disappear from the real world. Once here most of the real world people fall under the spell of Wonderful Land's frolicsome, care and need free and gay existence. Most real world people who accidentally venture here simply want to stay and become Wonderful Land citizens and never want to go back to the Real World. Now, for those real world people who want to leave, we designate them "Returnees." Returnees, if a boy have to eat the fancy pink cake and if a girl have to eat the plain chocolate cake. Their genders are instantly changed, if you kiddies are following this story. After a quick trip to The Naming Rooms they are prepared for their real world return. Their hair is done, stylishly and they are dressed by The Fashion Police. Their brains are washed and dried removing all knowledge of their prior existences. We leave in their brains basic knowledge and learning, like how to eat food and drink beverages. We do want those placed in their mouths. We don't want them to try to put food and/or beverages up their noses or stuck in their ears. If that would occur then they'd have real food and/or drinking problems. After handing them a packed suitcase and $1,000.00 in good old Yankee Greenbacks they are taken to an Emergency Escape Pod and poof they are back in the real world. For their own protection back in the real world they are returned totally befuddled, bewildered, bemused and maybe a tad of bewitched. So kiddies, if you see a totally lost person reeling down the street in a complete and utter tizzy that person just might be "A Wonderful Land Returnee". This is a protection for us here in Wonderful Land. We got to watch out for the Real World snitches, blabber mouths, tattle tales, gossips, conspiracy theorists, rumor mongers, and downright feeble minded nuts who get mysterious radio messages in their head from the planet Mars. As an example of "A Returnee" back in May of 1946 a certain Saffron Belinda Taylor was returned to the real world. Saffron was once a Lt. Charles Taylor of the mysterious Flight 19 that disappeared in the Bermuda Triangle in December of 1945 (you know kiddies, those 5 missing nasty old Avenger warplanes). Even though Saffron's and Charles's fingerprints matched the now returned statuesque raven haired beauty confused the woo out of federal officials. The U.S. Government quietly, as all returnees, resettled Saffron. She is now a happily married housewife living in Ft. Wayne, Indiana. She and her handsome husband are proud parents of 4 lovely children. So see, there are nothing but very happy endings everywhere, even in the real world. These are more hidden truths that your U.S. Federal Government are not telling you. Now that we've gotten that out of the way (this author tends to side track a tad too much), let's continue with our story............ The Big Little Shopping Mall has everything, and I mean everything, one may ever want, need, desire, covet or dream of having. The mall contains every "Doodad," "Doo Hickey," "Doo Wop," "Gadget," "Geegaw," etc. imaginable. All that missing stuff that rained down with Allan when he was floating down that endless abyss is eventually matched up, recycled and ends up in the mall. It is the mall to end all malls. Before they entered the mall Allan became aware of a rather odd sight. Allan and Sharon Sparkle passed a very nervous little man giving out free sample of the newest flavor of "Wonderful Land Jittery Quivery Quaking Shaking Gelatin (Banana Daiquiri)." The man spoke with a rather stuttering lisp as he handed out the free samples. "F-f-f-f-wee Thamples, f-f-f-wee Thamples," he cried. Behind the little man was a group of very gay and playful water sprites. Water sprites are fun little characters and are really super funny in groups. Well one water sprite went up behind the nervous little man and with her hand smacked him right on the bald spot on top of his head. The little man dropped the gelatin, flailed his arms in absolute terror, screamed his lungs out yelling, "T-t-t-hey are after me again!" and ran down to Wonderful Land Lake with arms and legs spread out yelling, "AHHHHH!" he jumped into the five foot deep shallow end of the lake. Jumping didn't really describe it, rather he made a huge belly flop dive, SPLASH! Poor little children bathers at the real very shallow end were both frightened and bemused at the same time at this sight. He then come back rubbing his sore tummy and dripping wet, drank a little magic calming elixir and let out a big, "PHEW!" and regained his rather nervous and stuttering composure. Lucky for the man all clothing in Wonderful Land is impregnated with the magical, " Wonderful Land Miracle XYZ123 Instant Dry Formula," otherwise he would have been one soggy and drippy mess. Oh, the group of water sprites were in such a giggling state of bliss at this rather odd and bizarre sight. They hugged each other and jumped with glee. A very bemused and bewildered Allan saw this odd sight repeated three times. "Faerie Godmother, who is that strange man?" Allan quizzed. "Pumpkin, that's just old Silly Sissy Simon. He's Wonderful Land's Biggest 'Fraidy Cat and Paranoid. Everything scares the woo out of him. Even his shadow used to scare the woo out of him until a kindly wizard removed his shadow. He feels all of Wonderful Land is out secretly plotting against him constantly. He used to be, "Wonderful Land's Official Magical Potion and Elixir Taste Tester," until he got transformed into just one too many weird creature and transformed back to himself. Popped his little brain. I guess his brain got toasted and well buttered. His nerves were turned to jelly and all of his senses became runny as hot peanut butter." ..... (Hum! Dang it! This author needs a refreshment break. She's suddenly a tad hungry.) (Ah, back! A nice peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a glass of milk should do it nicely.) Meanwhile this author continues her story ....... .... Sharon Sparkle continued to add, " Poor Sissy Simon ended up in Wonderful Land Hotel Silly for a nice long stay. After he left they had to find him a rather safe new job so now he hands out free food samples." "Oh, the poor little man being harassed by the mean old water sprites," was all Allan could say. Allan and Sharon entered the mall. Immediately Allan's eyes just stood there in total awe and amazement. You see on the outside the mall looks so little (about the size of your standard 7-11), but, on the inside it's enormous (goes on for nearly 150 miles on each of the 175 levels). There were shops galore of every type and description. Sharon and Allan decided to rent one of the flying shopping carts that were available to make shopping far more easier. They selected a two seat, sporty convertible, super v8 charged model with fins and nifty chrome. The first shop they stopped into was the, "Magic Home D?cor Shop." They met a kindly sales assistant. She inquired as to what they were looking for in home d?cor, Wonderful Land Style or (with a snicker) the Outsider Style. Sharon Sparkle said, "Well, Miss, this is Miss Jennifer Elizabeth Archer, she unfortunately is an outsider. In fact she was a boy who ate the pink cake. She will require a whole new very girlish styled bedroom for when she returns to the outside. Can you assist us, please?" "Sure, ladies this way, please." She sat them down and they looked a huge tome containing photographs of various little girl bedroom furniture and d?cor. As they looked at each photograph it appeared magically in three dimensions in front of them. After about a half an hour Allan decided on, " The Pink and White Fairy Princess Look, 1948, Number 23." The sales assistant assured delivery and set up within the next five minutes. Normally it would have taken five seconds, but they were awful busy with the large number of customers that day. They did save $1,250.00 on his new bedroom suite. Next it was clothes shopping. That they shopped until they dropped. Allan was like a child locked in a candy store as there were so many delicious fashion confections to dazzle the mind. They even went into the local franchise of "The Dressing Room" and made some wonderful purchases. Next to a lovely mix of very stylish regular girl's clothes they made purchases of several little girl dress up play costumes. Allan got "Cinderella," "Annie Oakley Cowgirl," "Dorothy Wizard of OZ," "Bo Peep," a few others and some girl named "Alice" from some obscure story called "Alice In Wonderland" costumes. Hum, me thinks perhaps the author of that tale, Lewis Carroll, might just perhaps had been a "certain particular little girl" who ate the plain chocolate cake and journeyed through Wonderful Land many a George and Gracie, ago? (Read on and you'll soon discover who George and Gracie are) You think? Allan was deeply touched when Sharon Sparkle presented him with a "Wonderful Land Junior Faerie Godmother Scouting Uniform" complete with a lovely tiara and play magic wand. Then Sharon Sparkle said to Allan, "Honey bunch we need to go to a very special little boutique. You see you'll be returning to a world where females are at a disadvantage in schools and the professions. A lot of silly people think all females should be stay at home housewives, birth a lot of children and be totally devoted to a man, have no careers and basically have no life of their own. If they do have careers they are basically limited to being nurses and teachers. Not that those careers are bad, but, females need more career options, (Remember this is 1948). It's called a nasty thing 'sexism'. Now, your faerie godmother wants her little charge to succeed in the real world. Honey, you might need a little extra help in that department. So take my hand and follow me." Hand in hand they winged their way to a special little boutique. Soon they approached a little boutique called "Professor Edna's Smarty Panties, Undercover Intelligence." They entered the boutique to be greeted by a very striking woman dressed in an English college professor's costume, complete with big dark rimmed glasses wearing a black robe and sporting a black mortar board hat. Her name was Professor Edna Bright. Professor Edna Bright and Sharon Sparkle exchanged the usual best friends greetings. Sharon Sparkle introduced Allan to Edna as another boy who ate the fancy pink cake much to Edna's delight. Sharon Sparkle in explanation assured both Allan and Edna Bright that Allan was already a very intelligent child, but, Sharon Sparkle thought a little extra help might be beneficial for Allan. Soon Allan was fitted with a lovely array of very dainty little "Professor Edna's Smarty Panties", each marked with a day of the week. A few plain pairs with no days of the week were added as spares (A girl can never have enough pretty panties). Professor Edna Bright filled in Allan with the special requirements for the wearing of Smarty Panties. He was to wear them every day, wash them as any delicate and dainty fine lingerie. When they got very worn or he grew out of them he was to place them in a special magical return envelope and he would be supplied with brand spanking new replacement Smarty Panties. THE Number One Rule, "Never, Ever, Under Absolutely No Circumstances Let Anyone Else Wear Your Smarty Panties". You see it's a very unsanitary thing to do and any unsuspecting person in the real world will be instantly magically changed to a blonde, bimbo, brainless, hotsy-totsy dolly girl of a bar fly. To illustrate misuse or an unsuspecting outsider wearing Smarty Panties, there was this sad case. You see, there was this extremely attractive buxom blonde lady sitting in an open convertible at a RED Stop Sign. So darn lovely was she, she couldn't help being spotted there by a kindly passerby policeman. An hour later the same policeman returned to the same spot where he first noticed the blonde lady. She was still at the same RED Stop Sign. He went up to the blonde lady and inquired as to why she was still sitting at the RED Stop Sign after a full hour had gone by. Well, the poor child, with eyes aflutter and flirty, in a very innocent reply said breathlessly, "You see Mr. Policeman I'm waiting for this RED sign to turn GREEN so I can go!" The poor blonde had been so silly and unsuspected "borrowed" a pair of her roommate's Smarty Panties. She was given a field sobriety check, cleared, her roommate called, the Smarty Panties removed and everything was restored. The very fortunate blonde has safely recovered and is back at her post as a college professor and a theoretical mathematician. When Allan donned his first pair of Smarty Panties suddenly he felt even more smarter than a whip or smarter than a rocket scientist at least. A mystical light bulb appeared over his head, there was a loud DING sound and Allan grew even smarter. Soon the mysteries of the whole entire Universe opened up in his mind. He even understood all the esoteric things like quantum mechanics, string theory and even the big question, "Why There Is Air?" (confusing and somewhat silly stuff for all of us mere mortals, phew, this is getting super scary). Oh my, Allan's little blonde head was in a massive whirl with all this new knowledge. The poor child swooned, but, thankfully Smarty Panties have the magical brain soothing ingredient "Calm My Poor Achy Brain Down with BCD70." So Allan's brain soon returned to at least a semi normal state. It then came for a parting so Edna, Sharon Sparkle and Allan made their collective good byes. Delivery of all of Allan's new female clothes and accessories to his new outside world girlish bedroom was magically performed by "The Wonderful Land Fairy Trans