The Dogging Diaries - Questions With The Author - III free porn video

Third in a series of reader questions with Alexandra Moore, author of The Dogging Diaries: Q. You seem to have quite a fashion sense when you were dressing to play. You were pretty detailed with what you wore for the events mentioned. Surely there must have been more about your thoughts on sexy fashion. Your fashion ideas may be valuable to other t-girls. Can you share your recommendations on what worked (clothes, makeup, shoes) for you? A. Great question. How much time do you have? Let me start by saying these are only my opinions. Clothes for the tgirl is a very subjective and personal thing. I've seen it all - looks that work, some that don't and everything in between. Nothing makes me happier than to see a well- dressed girl, T or GG, rocking a sexy but sophisticated look and enjoying her femininity. It's the best and I know for a fact that guys appreciate it. First, let me mention a little bit about what not to do. And again, these are only my opinions. You also need to understand where I'm coming from. You've seen me. I pass. I live and work as a woman. So what I think is centered around that and it may not apply to everyone, so I mean zero disrespect if what I have to say is unintentionally offensive to someone. Some girls dress crazy and get off on the spectacle. Those that do tend to be a little more "out there" for my tastes. They dress like the circus is in town and then when someone in public has something negative to say they act indignant and talk about how they have rights too. No one ever said you didn't, chica - the thing is, society also gets an opinion. I've seen hundreds of tgirls forget that fact. It's a no-win situation when that happens. Where was I? The old standby answer to this question is to dress to blend in. If you're at the mall in a hoochie-mama skirt and 5" spike heels, you're not going to do that. Doesn't make it wrong or bad, just be prepared for the attention. I suggest we modify the dress to blend in to read "dress for the occasion." If you're going to a tgirl club, where anything is OK and less is certainly more, then feel free to go there in a bra, heels and stilettos if you choose to. You'll get plenty of attention and a hard dick in your cunt because you're advertising for it. But for the out and about tgirl who is trying to make her way in this world in a job or as a full-time chick, I'd suggest you think about what you'd like to wear and strongly consider the potential outcomes if you do. Are you calling unwanted attention to yourself? Is what you selected flattering for your figure and your coloring? Is it what is commonly seen and right for the destination? If so, have a ball. If not, your best bet is to take that look and then downshift it two full gears. Wherever you end up from that process is probably a good bet. One or two inch heels are still sexy without looking like you're late for the pole. Skirts should be conservative for most situations. If you have tits and you're showing some leg - cover your tits. If you're wearing pants, show a little cleavage, with little being the key word. You want to honor femininity without lampooning it. One of the great tips I've learned over time is to take a mental snapshot of a well-dressed, feminine, attractive girl that you see and really think about what she is wearing and how her makeup looks. My guess is, most of the time you will see a girl who isn't flagrant about sexing up her outfit. She may have heels on, but her dress is conservative and her tits are covered up. Her makeup is light, flirty and pretty, but not overdone. That's the way most girls dress. A tgirl would be wise to emulate that. Let's talk about shoes for a second. The recent rise of the ballet flat is not a good thing. I prefer heels, always have and always will. I think high heels are something 98% of the tgirl population will refuse to go without. I get it, so rock em. Again, though, show some restraint. They don't always have to be sky-high. That goes double if you're tall. If you put a five inch pair of heels on me, I'm closing in on six feet tall. Once you get there, you get noticed, just for your sheer height, so if you're already six feet tall, go with lower heels if you can stand it. However, and this is a big-big one - forget pantyhose or stockings from roughly April through October (in America anyway, I can't speak for the rest of the world). No one should be wearing them. Shave your legs up nice and smooth, moisturize them, tan them a little and go bare-legged during those times. Pantyhose are a dead giveaway unless its winter. Makeup should be lighter and more neutral for days. It can be darker at night, but don't go all Avon Lady unless some guy with a huge cock requests it and you're going straight to bed and not to the movies. Work hard to ensure facial hair has been removed permanently, if at all possible. That will allow you to use less of a base and be more natural. If you can't, use a neutral base, preferably a touch darker than your actual skin tone. Start with concealer, then use a base, then do your eyes, add some blush, some pressed powder and finally do your lips. You can skip the concealer and go lighter on the base if you don't have a facial hair issue. Be age appropriate. Many tgirls get started a little later in life. However, they dress like they're 21 years old. Don't. Use some elements to give you a younger look, without being a carbon copy. Some of this has to do with how well you pass too. Here's where the tgirl should take a hard look in the mirror as step one and preferably ask several people for their true opinion on her looks as step two. I mean, if you got it, flaunt it, but just make sure you're doing yourself a service. Six-inch heels and micro-minis get attention even at the swankiest or skankiest of clubs, so plan accordingly. If you're more of a "handsome woman," work on that from the inside out and skip the skin- tight club dresses until you're ready. The more you pass, the more daring you can be. The less you pass, the opposite is true. And while we're on it, let's understand the true definition of "passable." I hear all the time from girls who are like "I'm passable" and then I see the chick and I'm like, "what?" Passable means you can go to any and all public places and not got made. If you can't, you're not passable. If you can go out at night but not during the day, you're not passable. You have to be able to do it in any situation and succeed virtually 100% of the time. I'm probably going to get a ton of hate mail as a result of this, but fuck it. What can I say? I have opinions. Q. It must have been challenging to have your day job wardrobe and your night job wardrobe. How did you manage the two separate styles? Were your clothes becoming a little more revealing at work? A. No I tried really, really hard to keep them separate to the point where I had two different closets. As a result, I was constantly on the move and watching the clock at the end of the day to make sure I had the time to get ready after my day job. I hadn't had a lot of the surgeries at that point and the laser hair removal was still going on (some days I still had to shave twice to make it all work out). It was a tough time. But I really kept it pretty minimalistic at work. For a long time I was more androgynous than outright female. Q. With coming out to your family, laser treatments, growing coke habit and excessive weight loss, this seems like it was a particularly trying time. Your emotions must have been quite a roller coaster ride. Did you do anything specific to keep it together? A. You have to keep your eye on the prize. When I made the decision to choose this life I made it 100% and there wasn't anything that was going to get in my way. I truly believe a girl needs that level of buy-in in order to be successful. If you allow excuses, don't learn from mistakes or don't make your transition the number one priority in your life every second of every day, the chances are very good you will fail. Life can be hard and society can be cruel. You have to fight through all of that, plus your own self-doubt and the very human characteristic of laziness comes into play too. Some days you just don't feel like doing any of it. You want to sit on the couch and eat pizza and let the hair stubble grow because it hurts to shave your face for the millionth time ... and you can do that every once in a while for your own piece of mind, but by once in a while I mean you better be digging in and getting your transition work down the other 99% of the time. There are no do-overs. So for me, I just focused on the end-game and if I had a laser appointment at one in the afternoon I was going to find a way to make it. I thought about everything I ate. I considered everything I wore. Everything was for the overall success of my transition. It's why I worked on my voice as much as I did, or my walk. Mainly it's why I never made excuses or had a woe-is-me attitude. I took an endless array of shit from society. I've seen the horrible side of a lot of people. But I never stayed angry or blamed anyone but myself. After all, if I looked/walked/talked/etc. better, that guy on the street who said shitty things never would have made me in the first place. So whose fault is it really? Exactly. Q. How are things with your family now? Do you have any advice in how to approach coming out to family, especially things you would have done differently? A. Things are pretty good with my parents. They're sad that I moved away, but we're all good. Things are good with my sister. My brother kind of sucks. In terms of advice, you just need to make sure that you can communicate your feelings to people. If your family loves you, they will listen, and if you can really explain your feelings, your plan and your support group to them, then they will accept you. If you have no plan, and can't answer their questions, then they may not. Think it through. Write it down if you have to. Just be well prepared, because I don't think any family member says "good for you" the second they're hit with this kind of news. But they will feel that way if you can get through to them and then be persistent in maintaining the relationship. You just can't tell them and wait for them to call. People don't work that way. They won't know what to say or do and as a result, they may go MIA for a time. If you're on the other end thinking they haven't called because they don't accept you, that can lead to misguided resentment. And you can't be like that. This is your deal. These are your decisions and those decisions affect them, so have empathy for that. It's your life. Take control of it. Q. After the Martin encounter and subsequent punch, did you have thoughts of escaping (perhaps for good) the whole lifestyle that night? Did you fear for your life at any point that night? Did you ever imagine the situation would get that bad? Did you take precautions to help prevent that in the future (when you work for Jack again in the next couple of months)? A. No one likes to get hit. It sucks and it makes you feel worthless. But there wasn't any way I was going to quit. I wanted the decadence and I wanted the money. News flash - if you're going to be a hooker, it's going to go bad at some point. I told Jack I wasn't going to take it anymore. I can't say whether he would have stood up for me if it had happened again. Q. You seem to have had a feeling that Jack is really ripping you off. Do you have any idea if he really was making more than his agreed share? Did you try to confirm? A. It's tough to say. Here's all I knew at the time: I knew I was busting my ass to look as good as I could; eating almost nothing, exercising like crazy, bailing on my full-time job, etc. and then I'd go to the hotel trying my best to look my best and he'd insult me and then I'd spread my legs and take a bareback pump from some half-drunk guy and I'd be paying Jack a percentage. I realize that's the way it works, but when you actually do it, it kind of sucks. It's your body they're wailing away on and your legs that are in the air. And while all of this is going on, he's just sitting there. Plus, because he took some for the room, the money for the first couple of dicks I'd take in a weekend went directly into his pocket. When you like the guy who is balls deep inside you, it doesn't matter, but when you don't like the guy, it gets aggravating when you think about it. The harsh reality is, how much was my tgirl pussy really worth at that time? I know what I looked like. I was decent looking, but I was still very much in transition. It's not like I was some stone-cold stunner who could command top dollar. My guess is my cooze was getting fair market value and I was just being a bitch. Q. It is an interesting beginning to your relationship with Ryan. He just wants to take some naughty pictures of you for a site. You flirted and ending up dating him. Looking back on him now, do you recognize the issues you ultimately had with him were present from the very beginning? Would that experience help you identify a better choice when you do look for a LTR? A. That's a tough question for me to answer for a couple of reasons. First, hindsight is 20/20 and who knows how things would have turned out if they started differently. Second, I'm not exactly a safe relationship bet myself. It would take a really self-aware, open and confident man to date me. To be fair, the best choice for me is to avoid relationships. I like extreme sex and being a slut and flirty and decadent to such an extent that even if the guy starts out having respect for me, he'll lose it eventually. You can only have so much respect for a girl when she wants you to cum on her face and let your friends in on the action. Eventually she just becomes a fuck toy. That's what happened with Ryan and a couple others and it would certainly happen again if I get serious with someone else. My taste for sex is relationship averse. Q. Compared to Jack, Ryan must have seemed like a god-send. Do you feel you were more attracted to Ryan because it was anyone but Jack? A. Yes, although not for those reasons. I wasn't ever really attracted to Jack. We were business partners. On the other hand, I was really attracted to Ryan for who he was - or seemed to be - when I met him. I don't blame him for all of the things that happened. I wish some of them had turned out differently, but I don't blame him. I was there too and I'm sure I encouraged it at times. Again, when you greet your man in your panties and you're on your knees sucking his cock three seconds after he walks through the door and you don't go a minute without stilettos on, you're setting yourself up to be viewed a certain way, so it's no wonder when it happens. When I think back to those times, everything I did was based on looking good for him. I'd wake up and exercise, work on my tan, eat dry salads, shop and try on clothes, doll myself up for him with a sole focus on what my body, face, hair and lingerie looked like so he'd get the most from having sex with me. I'd swallow his cum and go down on him for more. It was all about being the hottest, most sexual person. There wasn't any depth most of the time, so it's no wonder he came to view me as a sex toy. My actions left him little choice. Q. You allude that Ryan may have known about your past prior to you telling him. You did meet him through a CL ad after all. Do you think that may have been his attraction to you in the first place? A. I like to think he feels the same way about me as I do about him. I think he thought I was hot and then he realized I had a brain and I think for a while we were on a good track. And then over time we just both became consumed with pushing boundaries and my intelligence was never a factor again. We sold the relationship and kept the sex and drugs. That's when things became unhealthy. You have to remember, as much as he was pushing me to do those things, I was the one doing them. And as I said above, my days were filled with just trying to be hot. Plus, it takes a special guy to be OK with his girl getting gang-banged in public. I'm sure there were times when I had a cock in my pussy and one in my mouth and I looked at him in rapture with my eyes on fire and he wondered if he could really satiate me by himself. I'm sure he had those doubts. Q. After you healed from the surgeries, you sound like you were a dead ringer for a Barbie doll. Being the object of every man's desire, is both tantalizing and risky. Do you think the volume was turned up so high that you drew too much attention? A. Not really. Not on looks alone anyway. And not at the beginning. But then things changed and I believe the "volume" was a part of the problem. I came out of all the surgeries very passable, with a great shape, pretty face and big tits, but you can still hide those things if you want to. The problem was, I didn't do that. I wrapped it all in a skin tight bow. And when you do that, then yes, the volume gets turned way up. You're pretty and sexy and then you play that up with body hugging clothes or by showing a lot of skin and your makeup is sultry and your hair is big and your heels are high and you get lots of attention. And over time you come to love that attention. Then you expect that attention and if there's ever a day you don't get any in your 4" heels and your miniskirt, the next day you're in 5" heels and a micro-mini. You're always pushing for that traffic-stopping moment and you won't quit until you get it. Thing is, from day one I wanted to be hot, and not just tgirl hot, but "I'd put her up against any living female" hot. I'm not egocentric enough to rate myself, but that's what I've always wanted and I live accordingly. Because of my situation now, my body is on display a lot and the attention follows. I think I'm better at dealing with it now, but some would still argue it's a pretty vapid existence. They might have a point. Q. Do you ever wish you had got in that cab with Amber? A. Every single day, Barbara Walters. Q. It seems like you can pinpoint the exact beginning of the end with Ryan. Do you think that when you told Ryan you came during the ordeal, he took it to mean you got some thrill or excitement from the situation (versus a natural physical response)? What do you think your coming during that scene was? A. This is probably the most probing question you've asked me. In short, yes, I do think he thought I got some thrill from being raped, which, when you see it in print is quite possibly the stupidest notion around. But at the time, in the moment, with the emotion, yeah, he probably did think I liked it and since he always had that orgasm to fall back on, he never took my protests and breakdowns as serious as he should have. That day affected me in a million different ways. Even I wasn't too sure for a while what had happened or why it happened. How does a person cum during the most inhumane, degrading treatment imaginable? It's too fucked up to think about really. I'm just glad I got over my fears and became sexually active again. I wasn't sure for a while if I could ever open my legs again. Q. Ryan appeared to expect you to be the same with him sexually while you healed from the rape. Do you think Ryan felt like you owed him for all he did for you (hence the expectation of sex regardless of how you were doing mentally)? A. Yes. I definitely do. His good-time girl didn't want to have a good time anymore. That didn't sit well. Q. You said Ryan was loaded from both inheritance and his dotcom business, but spending money like he did on you is out of this world. Generally when you spend like that, you do not stay wealthy for very long. Did you ever get a sense that he was running out of money? A. No. I think he could spend like that for a long time and never have a problem. A million dollars is a good chunk of change. Many millions are beyond comprehension. And he has many, many millions. Don't misunderstand, there are lots and lots of people with more money than Ryan, but he had more than enough for a couple of lifetimes. The average person can't really fathom that sort of money. It goes beyond a couple houses or nice cars. It's what remains once those are owned. Try to stay with me here: You take a person who has a hundred grand - when he spends one thousand dollars on a pair of shoes that's one percent of his money. When a guy with a million dollars buys the same shoes, that's point-one percent of his money. So for the millionaire to feel the same amount of pinch, he needs to buy something for ten grand. Once he does, he's spent the same percentage of his money as the guy with the $100K. And that's on one million dollars. When you consider Ryan had many millions of dollars, an eight hundred dollar pair of shoes was like twenty bucks to most people. We got talking about his money a couple of times and I remember he told me once he had made over five hundred thousand dollars the year prior on the earnings from his nest egg. Five hundred large and he never even had to get out of bed. That will get you a lot of Jimmy Choos. Q. You seem to allude that Ryan knew Tom? Do you think Ryan was pimping you out? Do you think it was just a matter of Ryan to continuously up the level of sexual excitement so that you would become addicted to him and what he did for you? A. Ryan was definitely all about upping the level and pushing the boundaries, but I don't think he actually knew Tom prior to the night we met. I just think he liked the guy and his supply of coke. Q. What do you speculate would have happened if you had walked out of Tom's place that night? A. Ryan probably would have convinced me to go back in, I would have, and the rest would have been the same. I like to party and I like cocaine and here was a chance for both. So as much as I can sit here and say I would have left and things would have been different, they wouldn't have been. Q. What was your family's reaction (you did mention that your mom noticed) to all the surgeries? Did they even recognize you? A. Yeah, they recognized me, while acknowledging things were very different. My parents aren't dumb. In a lot of ways I'm probably their worst nightmare, since now I'm their daughter, I sleep around a lot and while they don't know I've been fucked to the extent I have, they're not blind or stupid. On some level they know I'm a party girl. I think as things progressed and my physical transformation sped up they could see the direction I was going in and I know it made them nervous. They saw the tits and the lips and the hair and the figure and the clothes and they could pretty well put it together. Thing is, and I don't say this very often, but I came out looking pretty and I know they are glad about that. They're glad I went to the lengths I did because what they want for me the most is to be happy and they're smart enough to know that some of that happiness comes from blending into society and being a functioning member of it. They've told me that before and I was grateful to hear it because it means they worry less than they used to. My mother has told me a bunch of times she hopes I meet a guy and settle down, that I deserve it. But she still thinks my tits are too big. Side note: quick funny story. My parents stopped by the house one night when I had a bunch of friends over and we were having some wine and getting ready to go out. So they come in and there's a handful of hot tgirls in various states of undress running around the house and each one of my friends, seemingly with a tighter waist and bigger tits than the next, is hugging my Dad and kissing him on the cheek. It was like one giant silicone party for Dad for a couple of minutes - and he was in his glory, like a tgirl Hugh Hefner. I could see it on his face. That's the funny part. The sweet part is, none of his pain remained. This was who I had become and I had good friends and happy people around me and he was happy and he was happy for me. He walked into my element and saw my life going on and knew I was going to be OK. My parents ended up staying for an hour and had a glass of wine with us. My Mom dishing with the chicks and my Dad just chilling with a bunch of hotties. The entire tgirl nation took a big step forward that night. Whatever he thought of all of us deep down in his soul, it changed in the hour he was there. The entire gender became human. Great night. Q. It sounds like your wardrobe would have made any girl envious. How much of that wardrobe did you retain after you left him? A. As much as I could carry with me on my way out the door. I was smart enough a day or two prior to order my clothes in such a way that if I was shown the door I could sweep my arm from the left and that's where most of the best stuff was. I ended up taking a bus with over twenty-five grand in clothes on my back and another four or five thousand in shoes in a suitcase. I still have most of it. Q. It must have been a great ego trip making a movie. What is it like to see yourself in porn? Would you do it again under the right circumstances? A. Under the right circumstances I would, sure. I'm not ashamed of the things I have done and I can't envision a situation where something like that would haunt me years down the line. Eventually I'll settle down and when I do I have no problem telling the person about my past, so yeah, I'd be game to get fucked on camera again. The money would need to be right and the distribution would need to be right and I'd want some control over the rights to the thing, but if all of that was in line I'd spread my legs in front of a camera tomorrow. Doing an adult film - assuming you love sex - isn't exactly work. Don't misunderstand, it's a long day and a grind and there are parts that aren't much fun, but it's still sex. It's still enjoyable. It was pretty odd seeing me being fucked to be honest with you. Everyone else is looking at the business end of things, while I was looking at my body and my face, wondering why my eye looked one way or another, wondering if that position is really my best side, those kinds of things. I am a brutally honest critic of myself and a severe perfectionist when it comes to my body, so I'm constantly finding flaws. It takes the fun out of watching it. Being asked to make a film was a pretty ego-inflating event in my life. I felt like I had arrived in some way. Later on, I really came to understand just how many adult films are being made every day and I realized it wasn't all that great of an honor. It's not like I'm a porn star, you know? I made a couple of movies that a few thousand people probably saw. The distribution sucked and beyond the up-front payment for taking dick on camera I never made another dime on them. I can't even find them now, which is aggravating, because some of my newer friends want to see them. But it was a trip and it turns me on beyond belief when I think of guys getting off to me. I just want to be there to kiss them and take their load in my face for the tribute. Q. Do you ever think that Ryan ever wanted to be monogamous with you? Do you think he would have married you? At the end would you have wanted to? What if he agreed to dial back the sexual escapades? A. I think we both started out with the best of intentions and those intentions got lost along the way. Had we been able to communicate all of the emotions we were feeling, things might have been different. There was a time when yes, we could have potentially gotten married and still carried on some of the group sex and it still might have worked. But guys ... guys are complicated and they say they want the whore but when they get her things change. It's complicated. The short answer is yes, I would have married him early on in the relationship if he had asked. In the end I'm glad he didn't. Q. You have quite a sense of humor. Did that come from reflecting on your diary or would your friends call you entertaining? A. I've received a ton of email about the diaries. Most of it is from readers who either compliment my writing or feel bad for me. I think I've received two letters that have focused on how funny the whole thing is. I love all my readers, but those two people truly get it. I read the diaries and I laugh out loud. They're hilarious (to me) in many parts. There's all kinds of deep references to shit in there that probably went over people's heads. Nothing wrong with that. But if you know me, you know that as much as this is my life and I took my transition incredibly seriously, I have a great sense of humor and, I believe, a great sense of self. I'm not arrogant enough to not know that I'm a train wreck in a lot of ways, that not everything has worked out for me, but I'm honest enough to laugh at it. You have to, don't you? Think about how absurd some of the things in my life are. How can a person take it all seriously? My friends would call me entertaining. Or something less savory. Today my best friend called me the Town Pump. What can I say? I have an incredibly optimistic outlook on a lot of things in life, but if you give me a chance, I'll find the good inside of you and make you laugh while doing it.