The Dogging Diaries - VII free porn video

Author's Note: Thank you for choosing to read my diaries. Please leave a review when you're done! Wet, slutty kisses, Alexandra Diary Entry: August 2007 What a night. It's 3:00AM and I can't concentrate. Ryan had me over again last night to show me my pictures and to talk about the sites. The pictures came out pretty good. I like some of them, some not so much. Modeling is fucking hard. The camera doesn't lie. I thought I was thin. Thin! Yeah right. There's a little flab here, some there. Yuck. I have work to do. Anyway, Ryan had invited me over and I wasn't about to say no, so off I went in the prettiest Ann Taylor little black dress I could find in a pinch, 4" red peep toe pumps and my best attempt at tasteful makeup. I darkened my eyes, left my lips a healthy pink and went easy on the blush and the glitter. I was hope- hope-hoping this was an actual date. I wasn't sure. I got there and he was making dinner. OMG I was on an actual date. And I played it right too. I didn't walk in all hoochie-mama or anything like that. I was me at my best; perky, spunky and (hopefully) flirty. And no coke either. I got there around 7:30 and Ryan opened a bottle of white burgundy. One of the best expressions of the French style of chardonnay," he said. "Not over-oaked. The essence of the grape comes through." Good by me. I was nervous, so my glass was empty in about 3 minutes. Keep it together! He looked great - pressed cargo shorts and a polo shirt with loafers. Classy. He smelled great too. His dark, wavy hair was styled back and he had about two days of unshaven scruff, which makes my heart beat faster when it's on the right guy. We talked a little about his life. He was born in Virginia and went to school in Boston. He has an MBA from an Ivy League school and made a lot of money working for two different networking startups. One had gone public and he made a mint when it did, the other was bought and he made over seven figures from that too. Now he was an investor, working with small companies and trying to help them grow. He seemed too good to be true. Why the hell was this guy interested in me? My curiosity got the better of me. "So why tgirls?" I asked. "What do you mean?" "Well, you're a single - you are single right?" He laughed. "Yes." "You're a single, successful guy, good looking, you could probably have any girl you want. So why tgirls?" He paused. "There's just something about them. Some raw sexuality. Look at you; the way you dress, the femininity, I love that. I think you all have a bit of an underdog quality that I admire too. You weren't born with many of the gifts a female has and yet you play it straight, the same way they do. Finding a beautiful tgirl is like, I don't know, finding a great piece of art." He laughed. "It sounds stupid when I hear myself say that. Let me recover." He looked at me sheepishly. "You all just work so damn hard at giving great blowjobs." I laughed. "Get a lot of those, do you?" I teased. "I've had a few," he smiled. "But there's one that I want very badly." I winked at him and had another sip of wine. I had to calm down and control myself or I was going to be on my knees in front of this guy before the water boiled. And the house? Fucking huge. A girl could get used to this place. I pressed him: "So, you happen to like tgirls. What happens when you have a business dinner to go to and a companion is needed? Do you bring your tgirl out of the darkness and show her to the world?" He laughed again. "I suppose that depends on the girl. But if she's the right one, then yes, I do. I'd care far more about what my girls thinks and feels than some business associate." We have a winner!! We smiled at each other. There was a warmth there. Holy-holy-holy fuck. Dinner was great. Shrimp and scallops saut?ed in garlic, butter and breadcrumbs over angel hair pasta with a touch of red sauce. We had opened another bottle of wine about halfway through. When we were done we looked at my pictures. There I was on his big projector image, buck naked and fucking myself with a dildo. That was pretty tough for me, as it stood in great contrast to the image I was hoping to display during our time together. It was a cold reminder that you can't take the hooker out of the girl. I was horrified. Ryan ticked through the images while I did my best not to cry. Some were good and he'd remark with "beautiful," others were so-so and he'd flip on by, a few were just plain bad and we both laughed, albeit I was laughing nervously through teary eyes. When we were done he asked me what I thought. "I don't know," I feigned a smile. "I think they're great and I think you're beautiful," he said. "I think they'd accept these. But here's the thing - if you want this, really want this, to have your pictures up on a website and maybe make a video with someone for money, then I think we should take some more. We can do better and if you want this, we should put our best image on display." I didn't know what to say. "I know what happened between us the other day," he said. "But let me ask you, are you generally comfortable with having sex with strangers? I mean, when it comes time to film the scene, you need to be able to do that." Fuck-fuck-fuck. What was I supposed to say? I couldn't tell him the truth. I couldn't tell him that dozens of guys I never knew fucked me in the course of a weekend - and I had had a bunch of those weekends. Not now. Not like this. "Well, would the guy in the video be you?" I dodged. "No. It wouldn't be me. I don't know who it would be," he answered. "Can I think about it?" I dodged again. "Sure. No harm in that." He smiled and I smiled back. We were sitting in leather recliners in his theater and he leaned over the arm and kissed me. A rush of emotions blasted through me. I accepted his tongue in my mouth with a whimper and kissed him as passionately as I have ever kissed someone before. Here was this nice, great, successful, rich guy and while there were no promises, he was definitely into me a little anyway. I could barely control myself. We kissed for another minute and then I reached over and felt his package through his shorts. I broke the kiss, slid onto my knees and got between his legs. "Now about that blowjob," I cooed. He slid his shorts and boxers down and his gorgeous seven inch cock was now free for me to worship. I wrapped two red painted nails around the shaft and bowed my head, opening my mouth as I did and taking his cock in my mouth, relishing the feeling of it hardening inside me. I worked him slowly, using very little hand action. I wanted to revel in this, revel in serving this man - my man? - taking my time to pleasure him with all of my heart. I licked him slowly up the sides, lingering under the cockhead, amazed at my good fortune of being able to kneel before this man and be presented with his gift. I never wanted this moment to end and I did everything I could to prolong his enjoyment, stopping every few moments to gaze up at him, to let him get a great view of his cock in my adoring mouth. I ran a hand up his thigh, letting it come to rest on his balls. They felt heavy in my hand and I knew then that his orgasm would be thick and strong. I wanted it to build, so I continued to take his cock out of my mouth and tease it, blowing on it, caressing the spongy, mushroom head with my hands. I lovingly put it back into my mouth, pressing it past my gag reflex and stuffing it down my own throat. I held it there, my lips pressed against his well-groomed pubic area. He moaned in ecstasy as I rolled my tongue around his shaft. Heaven. I withdrew his cock from my throat and then pressed back into him, beginning to deep-throat his magnificent prick at a quickening pace. The teasing over, I wanted his cum. I wanted his orgasm. I wanted it however he wanted to give it to me. I began to use my hands in unison with my mouth, sliding my left hand up and down his slick shaft, while caressing his heavy, meaty balls with my right. "Give it to me!" my brain was shouting. "Please!" Ryan's legs bucked and I knew he was close. I thrust his cock back down my throat, urgent to get as close to this man as I could. "Oh," he moaned. "Oh baby, I'm gonna cum." "Mmmmmhhnmmm," I moaned into his cock, sending him over the edge. I wrapped my lips around his root as his cock spasmed inside me; the thick, heavy ropes of his man juice blasting down my throat and coating my insides. Blissfully divine. It took Ryan a moment to let the aftereffects of his orgasm to subside. I held him in my mouth until they did. Then I lifted his shaft and gently licked his balls. "That was amazing," he said. I looked up at him and smiled. "Thank you." He laughed a little. "I should be thanking you." He pulled me up to him and kissed me, our tongues dancing around one another. Such a good kisser. "Do you want another glass of wine?" he asked. Who was I to say no? We had another drink and I was able to compose myself. I couldn't-shouldn't fall for this guy, this hard, this fast. I couldn't. And even if I was going to let that happen, I couldn't let him know it was happening. Sucks to be like that, but that's the way it is with relationships. I needed to stay strong. So when he asked me to spend the night and I knew-knew-knew his gorgeous cock was going to be inside my pussy in his bed, and when I knew that I would feel his arms around me all night long and we would wake up in the morning holding each other and we would kiss and he would hopefully do me again with the light shining through the windows ... that I shouldn't do any of that. "I would love to, Ryan," I said. "I really would. But I can't. Not tonight. But thank you." "OK, well can we agree on a phone call tomorrow?" I smiled. "Of course. I would love to speak with you tomorrow." "OK then." He walked me to the door, kissed me and our time together ended. My knees were weak then and they're still weak now. Is everything in my head possible? I'm so fucked. End Diary Entry Diary Entry: August 2007 I can't think of the right word. Consumed, maybe? Something like that. I'm torn; but in a good way. Ryan seems perfect. Just a great guy who really seems to like me. Dare I say love me? Dare I say that? It's like I'm 14 again. Just totally, totally crushing hard on this guy with his wavy hair, dashing smile and magnificent cock. I'm settling, or I should say we're settling into a routine. I've seen him three times in the last week, twice at his place, once out to dinner at [t-friendly Boston restaurant] and each time it's been amazing. I've done my best and played it cool. We've had sex twice and only twice. I'm trying as hard as I can to restrain myself, to not give in. It's hard. I'm wearing out my vibrator. End Diary Entry Diary Entry: September 2007 And that, as they say, is that. The final nail in the coffin with Jack. I'm done. I'm out of the hooker business. He's been calling and has come by a few times. I haven't answered the door. Tonight I did. I let him in. He was pissed as hell that I haven't called him; said I was costing him money. I was direct and told him that he was bad for my self esteem and bad for my life. "I'm out, Jack." I said. "I'm done." "No, you're not fucking done," he shot back. "I have plans for us. For you." "Well, you're going to have to find someone else. I'm through. I've met someone and I'm in a different place in my life." "A guy?" he countered with, smiling. "You can't be serious. This is all over a guy?" "Not a guy. The guy." He laughed. The fucker actually laughed at me. "It's THE guy now. What's it been, a couple of weeks? Or were you simply not paying attention when you had eighty-five dicks in your ass. You're not exactly a one-man woman, Kristy. You're a prostitute. Does he know that?" "That's none of your business," I shot back. "I can't believe this. He doesn't know does he? What's he going to say when he finds out, huh? What's he going to say when he finds out you fuck for money? You can't hide from what you are." My eyes were starting to well up. "He'll drop you so fucking fast," he continued. "He's not gonna want to be dating a hooker." "I'm not a hooker." "Jesus!" he said. "Can you hear yourself right now? This self righteous bullshit? Christ you're dumb. You're a fucking hooker, with the cunt money to show for it." "No." "You are, so fucking get over yourself like you're some housewife. I've been there the whole time. All those dicks inside you. Swaying that ass, shaking your shit all over the place while dudes stick their dicks inside you." He laughed at me again. "This is fucking ridiculous." "I want you to leave," I said. I was crying now. "I don't really give a fuck what you want. You're out of your fucking mind." "Leave." "Leave. Awesome," he taunted. "You don't want to hear the truth so you want me to leave. I can still smell the cum from all of those guys on you. Has he fucked you yet? Was he sloshing around in that loose pussy?" "Fuck you!" I shouted. "Fuck you! Get out now, please." "This is the most fucked up thing I've heard in a long time. What sort of hooker stops fucking because she meets a guy? This isn't Pretty Woman." "Get out of my house," I snapped. I was going to lose it. "Yeah. OK. Whatever," he said. "Listen to me - there's no way it ends well with your guy. No fucking chance of that, OK? You're a slut. And I'm not saying that to be a dick. But you are. And you'll be back hustling that ass before you know it. My advice would be to do it soon, too. You're not eighteen, so you should make your fucking money now. You hear me?" "I hear you." "Good. If you change your mind, and you really fucking should, I've got at least eight guys for this weekend. A lot of repeats, including your boy Xavier, have been asking for you. It's all set up - the tricks, the room, the blow. If we turn the eight into twelve you're walking away with four figures easy. Think about it." Xavier and his big, beautiful black cock. The fucking mind games with this guy. "I will." "You're a whore, Kristy. You can't hide that from me." Such a fucking asshole. "Thanks," I said. Then he left. Ryan, please be what you seem. Please be good to me. End Diary Entry For the record, I never thought about going back to Jack for another second. That part of my life was over. Diary Entry: September 2007 I feel like a princess who has met her prince. I feel like I can finally be myself. Major, major moment last night. When I see Ryan, I have to run home first to doll myself up. I'm pretty androgynous at work, certainly not the girl I want to be for my man, so I race home to put myself together and make myself presentable for him when we have a date. I told him about my routine last night and he was like, "Why? Just come over." I honestly don't feel comfortable doing that. I don't want him to see me like that. But he did see me in a different light anyway. We had finished dinner (grilled chicken over salad for me, yummy) and were having some wine and he asked me if I would do something for him. Of course, right? I'd do anything for this man. So I said "yes" and he brought me over to his couch and I was half expecting he was going to unzip and ask for a blowjob (double yummy) but instead he said: "I was hoping you would show me what you look like without your wig on." Holy crap! So what am I supposed to do? I mean, I'm pretty much as femme as they get, but still, there's parts that are still illusion - the wig being the main one. Fuck-fuck-fuck. What was I supposed to say? I hesitated and finally said yes and he reached over and gently took it off me. I had my nylon skull cap, so I took that off and shook the real me out so he could see. I have to admit, it felt great to do that. "Kristy," he said. "You are beautiful." So nice! "Look at you. Your hair is definitely long enough to just go "as is" with." I smiled and I kissed him. "What do you think - no more wigs?" he asked. "I want the real you." I didn't know what to say. Finally I came up with "Would that make you happy?" He laughed. "This isn't about me. I just want this to be real. The real you. The happy you. Whatever makes you happy. If wearing the wig does that, then I'm fine with it." I considered that for a moment. I wanted to make him happy, no matter how I felt. He said he wanted the real me. And if he asked to see me without the wig and thought I looked beautiful then as much as he can say it's for me, I just want to be the girl he wants me to be. I care about him that much. So I said, "No more wigs." He put his arms up in the air like victory, smiled and kissed me. Then we went upstairs and made love. He made love to me and it was wonderful to feel the real me on the pillow, to not have to worry about my wig shifting in the night, and amazing to have that wonderful cock deep inside me. He came so good and it was heaven. I spent the night and felt his arms around me, comforting me, keeping me safe. In the morning I felt his fingers in my bottom getting me ready. Then he gently pressed into me. He felt enormous, that stiff morning wood is like magic in my pussy. He fucked me slow, at his pace, savoring me. I got to look into his eyes as he came. Orgasmic bliss. End Diary Entry And so it went. I had a boyfriend. A beautiful boyfriend with a big heart. Looking back, this time was the most stable in my life. Ryan and I saw each other a lot. We'd usually go to his place. Sometimes we went out; dinner, the movies, shows; we saw the Van Halen reunion tour with David Lee Roth from the 3rd row. Just having a lot of fun. He saw my apartment too. I was a little nervous about that. He lived in one of the nicest places in Massachusetts and I lived in a decent section of one of the worst. The whole thing was nerve-racking. I didn't want him to think I was trash. But I spruced the place up the best I could and he saw it and he still kissed me and held me and everything was OK. I saw my friends and partied a little bit, but I was always faithful, even when other nice looking men tried to ply me with their smiles or their drinks. I smiled, I flirted, I accepted the drinks sometimes, but I was always good. I was his. Diary Entry: December 2007 He loves me!!!!!!! He loves me!!!! I can't believe it. He said it last night. We were having wine at his place and he pulled me to him and looked into my eyes and said "Kristy, I love you." I told him I loved him too. I can't believe this is happening!! End Diary Entry Diary Entry: December 2007 As I write this, it's Monday. I spent the weekend with Ryan. Just a nice, relaxing time spent talking and fooling around and he did some work and I tended the house and made the meals and the whole thing was just amazing. Who says I'm not housewife material? He asked me if I had ever been in love before and I told him no. That's the truth. Then we got to talking about his past relationships - he hasn't been in love either - and he asked me how many men I had been with. Fuck me. I told him a woman never tells and that I have been completely faithful to him since we met. That's the truth too. We got talking about sex appeal and he asked me my thoughts about it. I told him I thought it was important for a woman to revel in her femininity and that sex appeal just comes with that. It's important to look good, especially for your man. He agreed. Is there some hidden message in there? I don't know. Does he think I'm not sexy enough? Fuck. End Diary Entry Diary Entry: December 2007 Ryan asked me to move in with him!! I'm going to, too. I'll be out of here in a little over a week and will live there even while I finish out my rent. Goodbye old apartment. Hello new chapter. End Diary Entry Diary Entry: December 2007 Where to begin? Christmas came early. There was a card on the counter for me when I got to Ryan's, excuse me, home tonight. It said "what if you could have the one thing (two things, actually) that you've always wanted?" He's buying me boobs!!!! I can't fucking believe it. Just can't fucking believe it. I'm so excited. My consult is in 2 days!!!! End Diary Entry Diary Entry: December 2007 I need to take a few minutes here and catch up on everything that's going on. OK, here I go: All moved in at Ryan's. I'm so loving all of this. The house is gorgeous and he told me to feel free to make any changes if I want. I wouldn't change a thing. I like it just the way it is. I have massive closets for shoes!!!! What else? Consult went great. Ryan and I talked to the doc about different options and sizes. I'm thinking big. I've gotten pretty thin at this point - note for posterity, 5'9" 131 pounds - and I really and truly want some serious balloons. Problem is, there's no going back and 480cc's are huge. I want them round rather than tear-drop so I have that sexy upper breast fullness, even if they look a little fake. I want porn star tits as Ryan put it. He's fresh. I want them to always be on display, even if they're covered up. Just bursting at the seams. I want him to always think I'm the sexiest girl in the room. I worry about this a little. No one wants bigger tits more than me, but he's really got me wondering if I'm not good enough for him as I am? Do I need to be prettier? It gets worse. I mentioned getting my lips done and he seemed like he was all for that too. A bunch of stuff got talked about and he was good with all of it. In the end, I'm getting my tits done, what the doctor called a spec of liposuction at my waist, my lips done, and my nose done. I'm glad, but I don't know how I feel about it in general because I don't understand if Ryan really wants this because I'm not hot enough. Everything we discussed doing with the doctor Ryan agreed with. Is he trying to remake me? I also have the issue of this diary. I don't want him to see it. I have to come to terms with my past and hopefully I can talk to him about what I've been through, but there's some graphic stuff in here that I wouldn't want anyone who cares about me to see. I'd like to keep writing in it. It's been like five years. I'll figure something out. Ryan told me that I need to talk to work about my operations too. I can't come in one day as me and then the next as big-titted-blowjob- lips me. [Same Entry, Later] I had a long conversation with Ryan about the surgery. I'm not really too sure we resolved anything though. We went round and round, him telling me he wants me to be happy, me telling him I want him to be. I asked him if he loved me the way I am now and he said he did. He just wants me to be real. No wigs, no corsets, no nothing; just me and only me and if that means we need to do this or that to make that happen then he's fine with it. He said I should be able to stand naked in front of him without feeling self-conscious or like I should be hiding something. I couldn't get an answer out of what makes him happy about this. All he said was that he loved my sex appeal and wanted me to be myself and play it up. I kind of take that as a warning or an insult. Play up my sexuality? Am I not sexual? Sensual? I guess maybe I've slacked off a bit in the sexy department. He does tend to see me in bare feet and snuggly clothes. But that's for our time together. I'm comfortable! Fuck. I don't know. Maybe I need to go more high-gloss, get back to always wearing high heels and glitter. Would that made him happy? End Diary Entry Diary Entry: December 2007 So it's done. Holy fuck. I talked to [my company] about my feelings, my upcoming operation(s), all of it. It went OK. Makes me a little nervous. It's a privately held company, so basically they can do whatever they want with me. I don't think I'll get fired, but who knows? I spoke to [my boss] and we agreed things have obviously been different for me for some time now. It's not a new thing. He's been moderately happy with my performance dealing with clients. That wasn't exactly a vote of confidence. Told me he's noticed I've been leaving earlier. I couldn't defend that. I've just been in a rush to either get to Ryan's or to get home or whatever. I need to be better at work. When I was escorting that took priority. I'd need to rush home to get ready or was so worn out from the night before that I had to bail on work. Now there's Ryan, who I desperately want to be with. The whole thing kind of sucks. Two days to hello tits! End Diary Entry Diary Entry: December 2007 I have tits. Big ones too. More later. OK, it's later. I'm fucking dying here, just sitting here and trying not to move. I went through with my surgery two days ago. I'm swollen and sore. They're huge. I went with 520cc implants and should be a full Double D once everything settles. Right now they're so swollen I'm probably an F. I love them already. I'm just trying not to touch them and to just sit here. I don't know how I'm going to sleep. I can't drink alcohol at all though, so that's good. Ryan has been a dream. He's taken a couple days off to look after me and just keep me comfortable. He's like, "holy shit, they are fucking big." You think? Right now they're enormous. My face kills too. Everything hurts. I'm a full blown mess. Diary Entry: December 2007 Merry Christmas! Or in this case day after. Merry Day After!!! Nine days since surgery and only a little wine to celebrate the holidays and no coke. Yeay me. Leaving that shit behind. I've been a good girl. And obviously no cocks since then either, since the doctor said Ryan and I should refrain from sex and let me heal. I've barely gotten off the couch. I had taken the time off from work so tomorrow is the big day. Back to work. No real way to downplay what has happened. I have two giant coconuts on my chest. Not anywhere near as swollen but still sore and definitely still some bruising in my chest and on my face. I have to go out and get some bras. The doctor says I'm doing fine and looking good. Sweet! No intimacy - he says - involving my breasts for another couple of weeks. I can understand that. Things still hurt and everything needs to settle and heal. But still, what the fuck am I going to do for the next month? This whole thing with work is going to get bad. Between my face and my tits I just look plastic. Plus, I've grown my hair out to the point where it's just plain long. I'm a girl now, no hiding it anymore. There's no way I can flatten these tits to hide them. They're enormous and I swear my hips have gotten bigger. I'm all tits and ass right now. My parents were over for a few minutes yesterday to say Merry Christmas and see how I'm doing. My Dad nearly shit a brick. Finally hit home did it? What gave it away - the boyfriend calling me honey or the globes on my chest? Awesome. He held it together though. Mom was typical Mom. Disapproving. "Oh they're too big." Thanks. No, no I feel fine thanks for asking. I think they both like Ryan though. They've gotten along with him both times. End Diary Entry Diary Entry: December 2007 I have to write. I left work a couple of weeks ago as a guy - albeit a pretty one - and came in today as a woman. What the fuck else am I supposed to do? I can't hide my fucking tits and I certainly can't hide my lips, both of which are the size of Detroit. I have to be honest, I look pretty plastic. They tell me that will change, which is fine. I can wait. I really don't care what people have to say. I did my job today, so whatever. The looks I got though. Everyone just kind of stared. I don't think I spoke to a single person today, just a passing smile to Marcia in the ladies room. Kind of sucks that it's the holiday break. There are so many people out and I'd just rather get it all over with at once. I'm meeting with my boss tomorrow. I'm sure it's about "the change." End Diary Entry Diary Entry: December 2007 Yup, they're pissed. I suppose I can't blame them. Biggest thing he said was that I didn't tell him about what I was planning until just before I did it, but fuck, how do you have that conversation? He's completely disappointed in me, which sucks. I don't think they know what to do. I'll probably get fired. Can you get fired for having plastic surgery? The looks, oh man the looks I got. I went as conservative as I could the last couple of days too. Flats and pants and as little makeup as I could get away with. A couple of bangles and some earrings and that's it. Fuck fuck fuck this sucks. Ryan told me he's proud of me. Guy's a rock. End Diary Entry I remember this time like it was yesterday. The whole situation was terrible. Looking back, I should have told them what I was doing sooner, give them some chance to talk it through. Instead I just stuffed it down their throat. Really bad decision on my part. Diary Entry: January 2008 This is fucking ridiculous. Now people are complaining about me using the ladies room, my boss is just plain pissed off and then they sent me in with HR, who proceeded to try to be nice, but basically came off as condescending as they possibly could. Fucking cunty Karen in HR. I'd love to open my legs for her husband and keep his cum in a jar overnight so I could put it on her desk in the morning. It's not like this wasn't coming. They had to see it. My voice has been at its new register for a year now. I looked like a girl before anyway, how could they not know? Plus, what the fuck am I going to do in the ladies room? I like men. This is a major adjustment for me. I think the surgery did something to affect my hormones. That doesn't make any sense, but I'm crying all the time. I cried today in my car and then I cried when I got home. I feel like such an outcast. I basically just buried my head into Ryan's shoulder and dumped it all on him. Some sexy girlfriend I am. This sucks. End Diary Entry I hung in there at work, even though at one point they talked about me using a separate bathroom. I won't get into a lot of the specifics because it's kind of boring and isn't one of those things that have major events. It's subtle. You realize over time who's on your side and who isn't. Who's out to get you or has shit to say and also who just wants you to be happy and accepts you for who you are. I encourage any tgirl reading my diary to write me if you are thinking about transitioning at work. I'm no expert, but am certainly open to sharing stories and relaying what I went through. At times it was pretty horrible. They moved my cube. I had a couple of people call me "it" - that's always welcome and really positive. I had a lot of people say things to me they'd never say to another co-worker. I was called "fake tits" and "big boobs" and "Dolly Parton." That last one was awesome. My boobs aren't that big by a mile. They're DD. Dolly's are like an F or something. I don't know. I like them, and I'm not Chesty Morgan or anything. They don't define me. They're your basic too big boobs on a girl, where you can tell they're fake but they don't look foolish. And they're perky. There's no sag at all, which is exactly what I saw when I closed my eyes and pictured myself with large breasts. I wanted two perfectly round coconuts and that's exactly what I have. Anyway, I had some people talk a lot of shit about me. I had a couple people that I barely knew say really nice things. And I even had one guy ask me out, which I thought was pretty courageous because I was a pretty polarizing person. I said no thanks, but I definitely appreciated it. Part of my problem stems from me withdrawing into myself at work. I was pretty outgoing for a time. Once I started hooking though I slowly retreated into my own world. I'm not sure why that was, but it happened. And then by the time I met Ryan and found some temporary stability I was already too far gone. I was the quiet, androgynous person at work. An outcast. Then I had my surgeries and while my body certainly took on the shape of a very outgoing girl, I was gun-shy to do anything about it at the office. No matter how bad I wanted to, I couldn't be a sex bomb. It would have made things worse. Besides, I had a boyfriend. I wasn't looking for any male attention. But I managed to keep my job and my body healed and took on a more natural look. I settled into the new me. And boy did I love it. As I re-read my entries, I can actually feel my attitude changing. I can see my spunk and sauciness returning. A whole new sort of confidence. Diary Entry: March 2008 When I get home ahead of Ryan I've taken to greeting him in a g-string, bra and fuck me heels. That sort of thing is good for a girl's sex life. God I love my new tits. They've done exactly what I had hoped - complete body transformation. Two juicy and perky breasts standing at attention, tapering to a trim waist, a firm butt and toned legs. I really feel like I'm looking good. Yeah, there's still things I'd change but this is a major difference. I really feel more feminine and like a total chick now. And I can tuck my clit so good. Everything just goes away and all my lines have never been smoother. Thinking of changing my hair color. I don't know how I would look as a blonde, but I'm thinking about it. Do they have more fun? Ryan's down with the change and it might be great to just cut loose. I don't know. Part of me is like, how many big titted blondes does the world need? The other part of me is saying go for it. Just be fun and flirty and happy with whatever comes your way. End Diary Entry Diary Entry: March 2008 I'm back to working out. Praise the lord. I had gotten out of my routine - moving, surgery, work issues - all of a sudden I didn't feel like I had the time. And now the distractions are gone. Funny how that works. I'm getting locked in; running a couple of miles a day again anyway (2.5 today) and doing some good core and butt exercises, some light arm stuff. Yummy. And such a fucking blast to be able to throw on a sports bra and feel like you're going to rip it at the seams. I love that. Bare midriff, the whole nine yards. And yes, I confess, I am one of those girls who work out wearing makeup. Sue me. I'm back to feeling sexy. Ryan's noticed and he definitely loves it. When I met him I was a crazy girl and I think he liked that about me. And then it kind of got lost. Well, I am proud to say it is fucking back baby. Now take your slut to bed and bend her over. End Diary Entry Diary Entry: March 2008 What an amazing night. So fun. It's 1:30AM as I type this. I don't like keeping things from Ryan, but the whole thing is really so good and I just felt like I needed to write. Had some of the girls over tonight - Shauna, Amber, Michelle, Kara; total blast. Ryan was the perfect host and gentleman. We had some drinks, some dinner and just generally had girl talk even though a boy was there. So much good news. Shauna is going in for more surgery now that she's seen mine. Could be a new pair of boobs in the offing. Amber is just her awesome self; totally hot-bitchy and fun. If I go blonde we're going to look a bit alike; two big titted, blonde chicas. Michelle and Kara are both doing awesome. Everyone's in a good place. Everything just so. Lots of laughs. I think we're going out this weekend - just the girls. I think it'll be nice to get back into a regular social routine. They left around 11:00 and then Ryan took me to bed, where he gently undressed me, ever the gentleman by leaving my thigh highs and heels on and then proceeded to make beautiful love to me. God I love the feeling of his cock inside me. At one point when I was riding him cowgirl he pulled my heels up to his shoulders. Then I laid back so my head was at his feet, his hard cock still deep inside my pussy. I was on top of him, but we moved at his pace and he gently brought his hips up and down, sliding back and forth within me. It was hot and something completely new. Heavenly. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I had to have his cum, so I sat back up and rode him, grinding his hard cock into my g-spot and then feeling the beautiful release build inside me until my body convulsed and the honey began to flow in watery streams from my clit. Seconds later Ryan's hips bucked and he filled my flower with his delicious seed. We collapsed in a heap as his cum slowly leaked out of me. I've never been happier. End Diary Entry Diary Entry: March 2008 Well I did it! I'm a blonde! Ryan called me his blonde bombshell, which couldn't make me happier. He loves it when I embrace my feminine and sexual side and I'm all for that. Anything to make it hotter in the bedroom, hotter during the day when we're apart. I want him to want me like he's never wanted another woman ever. I want to make him bow to me, my sexuality, to physically need it. To need my pussy and the thrills I give him. Boy, if I thought I was a bimbo before, this blonde thing seals it. I'm all tits and ass and now I've got these lovely golden tresses on top of my head. I can only imagine what work will think. I'm definitely going to the office tomorrow in all black, just a nice little contrast to my new hair. And fuck them, I'm wearing fuck me heels too. Get used to it fuckers. Tomorrow night with the girls. They're going to go nuts when they see the new me. End Diary Entry It took me over two weeks to get back to my journal after that last entry. Everything was going so great and then in one instant, everything went horribly wrong. Diary Entry: April 2008 Things just aren't like they used to be. I've gone from feeling like I had it all to having nothing. Let me start from the beginning I guess. I don't even know if I can type the words. I'm just sitting here in a daze. Useless. Dirty. I'm the lowest person on earth. Damaged. I don't know what happened. I went out with the girls to [I'll leave the club name out of it] and everything was great. We shot the shit, had some drinks and danced a little. I saw one of those fucking guys in the club, I know I did, because I saw him looking at me. At us. Around 11:30 Shauna left because she had to get up early the next day. That left Amber, Kara and I. Around 12:30 Kara left with Gary [a guy we knew who had the hots for Kara]. When Amber and I left, she grabbed a cab and I remember her asking me if I wanted the taxi to take me to my car and I told her I was fine, that my car was no more than a 5-minute walk from the club. I figured the short walk would do me good since I had to drive home and had had too much to drink. I talked to a couple of people on the sidewalk that were leaving too and then I started walking to my car. I was a couple of hundred feet down the road when a car drove past, stopped and then backed up. It was the guy from the club who was looking over at us earlier in the night. He had a friend in the car with them and asked me if I wanted to party. I told them no and kept walking. He kept rolling slowly alongside me, bugging me and telling me I should get in. It got creepy. I should have ran or called Ryan or the police or done something besides still going to my car. Stupid. But I crossed the street to where my car was and I should have had the keys at the ready and just got in, but I didn't. I had to fish for them. I should have just kept walking by because up around the corner from where I was is a pretty good sized intersection. Instead, I fished for the keys in my purse. I was on a darker part of the street and the driver's buddy got out of the car and took a couple steps toward me. I thought for a second about running and I should have. He pulled out a knife and I froze. He told me to get into the car. I should have screamed. I got in and felt a whole range of emotions; fear, anger. I was definitely sober right then and there. They drove me to a parking lot maybe a half mile from where my car was. Then the driver got into the backseat with me and the knife guy and that was it. They were on me the second he closed the door. One guy ripped my shirt and the other guy tore at my skirt and panties. I felt his hand grab hold of me down there. That was when they evidently discovered I was a tgirl. How the fuck could they not have known? We were in a gay/tgirl club. I know for a fact I saw that fucking guy in there. My clit clearly made them mad and they started hitting me. I distinctly remember one of them saying "fucking shemale." Someone punched me in the face about a dozen times. They were calling me a "faggot" and other shit. Then they threw me out of the car. I thought at that point it was over. It wasn't. One of them got out and kicked me a couple of times. I got kicked in the head and the stomach. My clothes were rags. I was laying there and I thought they were done. I remember thinking "it's OK. It's going to be OK. You're intact." I was all adrenaline and nothing seemed to hurt. I remember I kept waiting for the car to leave. I kept waiting for them to back up or pull out or something. It felt like forever. Then the whole thing turned into a nightmare because I heard one of them say, "I'm still going to fuck her." I remember my head screaming "no!" and I tried to get to my feet. Too slow. They dragged me back into the car by my hair. The friend of the driver held my hands. I screamed and he punched me in the face and told me to shut up. I'll never forget that as long as I live; being held at knifepoint and being told to shut up. Then the driver ripped off what was left of my panties and pushed into me. No lube, no nothing. I cried out but it didn't fucking matter at that point. There wasn't anyone around anyway. So I took it, on my knees in the back of some guy's car, while his friend held my arms. He pulled my hair and rode me the whole time like some fucking horse; rough, mean, like I was subhuman. To him I was. Just some hole he could violate. Then he came inside me and the guy holding my arms let them go. I had been raped. There, I said it. I've been raped. And I'm never going to be the same. I hoped maybe his release would calm the violence but I was wrong. His friend punched me again. I was back out of the car for another kick to my head. I laid there in the fetal position. Finally they drove off. I never got the license plate. I should have. But I didn't. I managed to get up and get myself back to my car. I wasn't looking for help, but something occurred to me as I limped back to my car; the blouse hanging off of me, my tits basically out, my skirt ripped, by face bleeding - no one stopped to ask if I was alright. Society. I got back to my car and managed to drive home, trying to make sense of what had happened. Where had it all gone wrong? I pulled into the garage and saw myself in the light. I was a mess. I tried to put myself back together before Ryan saw me. That's when I noticed. At first I thought it was residual or leakage from the driver. This was different. When I looked close at the front of me, I realized it was mine; that my own cum was half dry. Some of it was still dripping down the front of me. I had cum while I was raped. I don't remember feeling it. I don't remember any of the sensations or what was going through my head at the time. All I know is that I had cum while this was happening to me. My emotions overwhelmed me. I went down to a knee and then slid slowly onto the floor of the garage between the cars. Then I passed out. That's how Ryan found me. He got me up and got me inside. Ryan wanted me to go to the hospital. I didn't want to do that. He wanted to call an ambulance. He wanted me to go to the police. I didn't want to do those things either. He thought I could have internal bleeding. I begged him to just hold me and leave me be and I am grateful he allowed that. I just wanted to take a shower and go to bed. I was, and remain, horrified by what had happened. I don't even know what the police would do. How could anyone be charged with rape if their victim came during the assault? It's too fucked up to even think about. I woke the next day to a body full of soreness. To say I had a black eye doesn't do it justice. My whole face was bruised. My whole body was, for the most part. Ryan convinced me to see my plastic surgeon and I was lucky in that my face and my breasts were OK. I had (have) two cracked ribs, 12 cuts and bruises all over. He said I'd be up and around in about a week and he was right. It's been a couple weeks since then and physically I'm improved. Mentally, I'm a mess. Everything spilled out of me the night of the doctor's visit. I was laying in bed when Ryan came in. "How you doing?" he asked, putting his hand on my shoulder. "I'm OK," I said. And at the time I was. "Listen. I was thinking about this," he said. "You have to go to the police." We had talked about this a couple of times before and he told me he would respect my wishes to leave it be. "Ryan, I can't. We discussed this. I don't have a plate number. I barely have a description." "But there's other girls out there. They'll do this again." I didn't say anything. "Let's just call them. File a report." "I don't want to." "Why?" he asked. "We need to do something. I keep thinking of those fuckers and what they did to you." "I know. But please, just leave it alone." "Look," he said. "I don't want to push you. But I think we should call the police and at least file a report." "Ryan! No!" I shouted. At that moment I felt like he knew. I know he didn't. He actually was probably going to completely back off. But I felt like he knew. I felt like my shame could be spotted from a mile away. I was all fucked up and just dead tired and sore and feeling completely torn up inside about what happened. There just wasn't any way I could live with this secret. Not the way I was feeling. I had kept the hooking from him and now there was this. I started bawling because I knew I was going to tell him. "What?" he asked. "What's wrong?" I buried my head into his shoulder. "I came." Emotionally I was gone. "What?" "It was all over the front of me." "Kristy, honey, it was something else." [Amazing man. I'm sure this was processing in his brain and he was looking for a way out.] "No," I blubbered. "I know what it was!" I was inconsolable. Ryan held me. It felt so good, so needed, and yet I knew inside he had turmoil. When I calmed down he asked me if I had cheated on him and we got into a huge fight because that was obviously not the case and what sort of person beats the shit out of themselves to cover up a one-night stand? After everything that had happened, I was beyond upset at his question. He left the room. I cried myself to sleep; bruised inside and out. End Diary Entry Please leave a review! Alexandra Moore