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Robert is Robin By Robin Young This story is a combination of fiction and truth....some of the people and events are based on true experiences and contain many accurate details. Some major events have been disguised to protect the innocent and names have been changed. Some things are exaggerated. Some parts are a consolidation of events to help speed the story along (which covers about 8 years of my life). This is the story of how I came to terms with being a feminine male and how I arrived at the image I present. I hope you enjoy it. If time allows, I hope to post updates to my journey in relatively short, but more intense stories. Chapter One The Beginning of Robin Hi! My name is Robin....at one time it was Robert. I would like to tell you a little about how Robert became Robin. I was a normal child with normal habits and well, a few that weren't so normal.....you see like a lot of young boys I was curious about females. The way they dressed, the way they wore makeup and fixed their hair. My mother and father divorced when I was an infant and I saw him few times growing up and then only with my mother and for short periods until I was about 11. There was no love lost between them and I ended up with my mom. We moved into my grandmother's house after she died. It was in a town 100 miles from my dad and I never really saw him or even thought of him again...it was like he never existed. I have two sisters, one 6 years older than me (Viv) and one 3 years older than me (Leslie), My sisters, my mother and I lived in my grandmother's 12 room house and enjoyed the family inheritance along with the stock portfolio mother inherited. My sisters and I were raised to be independent and each of us had our own bedroom....of course mom had her own as well. I experimented a bit with makeup and clothes when I was around ten I believe. Just playing around without purpose, curious I'm sure. Once my older sister, Viv walked in on me when I was hanging up one of her old prom dresses in the closet. "What are you doing in my closet, Robbie?" At that time I was probably 12 or 13 and really unprepared to deal with this particular situation. "I was hanging it up," I blubbered (knowing I had been wearing it only 10 minutes before). "Why was it out? Were you looking at it?" "Yeah, I was wondering what it would be like to take a pretty girl wearing a dress like that to the prom." Viv looked at me like she was trying to decide if I was being truthful...while she was studying my face I saw her eyes open a little wider with surprise. "Are you wearing lipstick? Let me see. Hold still now let me see in the light. Yes, a nice demure shade of pink, don't you think...that is why I bought it....it looks very natural and yet very feminine.....is that why you like it too?" I was sinking fast....I felt like a balloon whose last gasps of air were escaping. Viv immediately noticed my discomfort and decided to let me off the hook. "Wow, I am impressed. My little brother is conscientious enough to try to understand his future girlfriend....you will make a great boyfriend. Now go clean up, mom and Leslie are bringing pizza. She said they'd be home by six and its five forty five now." No more was said about it. After a while I felt a kind of comfort knowing that Viv knew. I also wondered if she ever told anyone. I was excited that someone might know and even though I had not confessed to anyone I felt Viv knew something was up. After all....there was no explanation for wearing lipstick that seemed even remotely plausible. After a period of abstinence I again began to delve into the feminine world again. Leslie would get a new lipstick and after she used it a few times I just had to try it out. This almost got me into trouble a few times...once when I mistakenly put on a lip stain meant to last all night. I had a heck of a time removing it all before anyone got home. My lips were red and swollen for days (which I secretly kind of liked). When I was about 141/2 years old I developed bumps under each nipple and the swelling was accompanied by itching and sensitivity. At first it was embarrassing and I didn't know what was happening so I kept it to myself. Eventually, it became too painful and I showed my mother. She kind of freaked and called our family doctor. He assured her I would be fine until the next day and he would see us in his office at 9am. As it turned out I had a "not" uncommon condition which sometimes causes males to grow small breasts...something do with the onset of puberty (which in my case had started at 12). In any event, we were told that it would just stop on its own accord and that there wasn't any reason for alarm. I think my mother thought it might be tumors or something. The doctor ordered blood tests and said he would monitor me for a few months just to make sure all was alright. And that is what we did. On June 4th, my birthday, mother told me that we had to have a serious talk. I assumed that it had to do with turning 15 and how it was time for me to start becoming a young man and all. Man was I surprised. The two of us sat in her bedroom and she looked very uncomfortable and I began to think something bad had happened. Then she spoke. "Darling, I don't exactly know how to say this, but I spoke with Dr. Gats and tells me that your body is behaving abnormally...all the tests they've been doing for the last 6 months show a trend which Dr. Gats says, if continued could result in significant life changes." "Mom, I haven't been doing anything differently." "I know honey, it's not something you are doing....it's your body. Each of us starts out as a clump of clay so to speak....that's why male and female infants are hard to tell apart without looking at the private parts. As we grow our bodies make hormones and other ingredients which help us to grow and give us our individual characteristics. That includes directing our bodies to develop our sexual organs. Males and females create different percentages of certain hormones to give us the appearance of our gender." "I think I know what you are saying, but what has that to do with me....is it why my chest is still growing and itching?" "Yes, it most probably is and it is also probably the reason you have not shot up in height or began to develop muscles like your other boy classmates have." "So what are you telling me? Am I going to die or something?" "No sweetheart, you are perfectly healthy....it's just that your body is getting too many female hormones and not enough male hormones to help you become a man." "Are you saying I will always stay like I am or......am I becoming a girl?" I began to freak out. Thoughts were running through my head about my interests in female clothes and other adornments. I must have knocked my body off of course with my feminine thoughts and desires. I was very ashamed. "To be honest with you, the doctor does not have a plan he feels comfortable with. He has consulted with a doctor who specializes in hormones and the like and he has made us an appointment to see her in two weeks." All this information caught me by surprise and I was dumbfounded. Mother put her arm around me and told me that we would figure everything out in time and that she hoped that we could still have a real happy birthday party that afternoon. She then left me alone in the house to digest what I had been told....I think she said something about needing some things from the grocery store. As I listened to the car pulling out of the drive I came face to face with my fears/desires. Would this be an opportunity to become the girl I wanted to be (or thought I wanted to be)...would it be a continuation of how we had been treating my desires to dress (see head in the sand)....whatever, it sounded like my breasts were going to continue growing for at least a while longer and I wouldn't be getting hairy like my friends were. These were both pluses, but what about the negatives. Actually, I couldn't think of any except maybe some embarrassment on occasion, but I had not a clue how it would affect my life overall. "Robin, I'm home!" I heard mother call out. "Hey mom, I was online reading about hormones and stuff. I am not sure I really understand where this is leading me....I mean, what am I supposed to do?" "The doctor said that there is nothing for you to do except to be yourself. Your body will always have a say in who you become, but the specialist may be able to steer it a bit more in one direction so that you are not caught up in between." I didn't dare ask which direction, but the possibilities got my young heart beating. It was scary, but it was exciting. "I think I'll fix us each a sandwich and some tea and then we'll talk some more." I went into the den and turned the TV on. Early afternoon TV is not very interesting and I was surfing channels when I stopped on a show with several beautiful young women discussing an organic makeup line and all the benefits to your skin as well as beautiful coverage. I got so wrapped up in what they were saying that I didn't notice Mother enter the room. "I really like that shade of lipstick (referring to the topic of the moment on the show), it really makes her complexion look so very creamy and flawless....don't you think?" I didn't know how to respond and I mumbled something in the affirmative. Mother set down the tray containing our sandwiches and iced tea and sat next to me on the sofa. "You don't have to be coy Robin, we both know you have an interest in such things.....am I wrong?" She called me Robin again....that had been my pet name when I was very young and one of my aunts stilled called me Robin....but no one else did anymore including Mother. "I guess not." I kept my head down, man was I embarrassed. "Sweetie, I have known a long time of your interest in my and Leslie's makeup and clothes. I mentioned something in front of Viv one time and she confirmed my suspicions. It is not that unusual for a boy to be interested in such things, but now you are going through this physical....er hormonal difficulty it might complicate things...I mean if you are starting to look more girlish and if you like looking girlish..well, maybe we need to explore your options. What do you think?" I took a deep breath and swallowed. "Yes, maybe I can get it out of my system and my body I will become a boy again." "Honey, don't expect that to happen for that reason. You haven't caused this situation. Now eat your sandwich and lets watch the rest of this show....I have been thinking of getting one of their mineral makeup starter kits.....maybe you might want one too?" The look on my face did all my talking and nothing more was said. After sandwiches, mom suggested that I take a long hot bubble bath and relax in luxury to get back into birthday spirits. I started the bath in the bathroom I share with Leslie. I went into my room to get a magazine to read...Rolling Stone if I remember correctly. As I was returning to the bathroom mom was looking up from adding bath salts and the like. "Here sweetheart, why don't you look at this make-over magazine and see if you can find some mineral makeup that would work for us.....be sure to read and not just look at the pictures....remember, the prettiest girl is not necessarily the best makeup." She continued to fiddle in the bathroom, lighting some candles she said were designed to help one relax. Finally, as I stepped into the water with our backs toward each other she turned and began to walk out the door. As she opened the door she turned and said, "I know you are sensitive about your breasts, darling, but you have to get over that.....and oh, I put a new Lady Schick razor by the tub there....why don't you shave your legs and underarms....you know....just as a kick. We can have some fun and laugh and then maybe move on with brighter birthday smiles," With that she walked out the bathroom and closed the door behind her. Clean shaven and squeaky clean I stepped out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel and hurried to my room. As I walked in Mother looked up from where she was sitting on my bed holding a pair of nylon panties. "Okay now Robin, I know this is kind of strange and all but I want you to do this right and I want to help you. Take these black panties and put them on then come back here." I took the panties and went behind my closet door and dropped the towel and slipped on the panties. I know it is a clich? to talk about the feeling of lingerie on smooth hairless skin so I will just say Wow it really is all that. When I turned to Mother she was holding up a black strapless bra toward me. I walked over and she said, "I know you probably know a lot of what I'm telling you...please be patient as I want to teach you the proper way to do things...okay?" She then proceeded to show me the correct way to put on a bra and how to adjust it to fit right. At this point I was a large A cup and Mother called it a training bra 'with a little padding' and it really made my silhouette feminine. The feeling was a combination of security for my fledgling breasts and the sensuality of having them caressed by the lace trimmed cups. "You know, I think your body is more feminine than masculine already. Nice hips and tush and a slim waste. In your boy clothes I never really noticed how delicate you are." "Now let me dry your hair a little then put in some hot rollers to give it some body." Mother was like a dervish swirling around pulling at my long hair while blow drying it a little, then snipping a little here and there and rolling it all up. It felt really weird to have my hair up in rollers, but I must say it was not an unpleasant experience. Although I was self conscious of my budding breasts and my slight build I kept my hair length to my shoulders for the times I would pretend. No one ever said anything about the length as it was not unusual for boys at that time and I always kept it clean and fairly neat. "We should do your makeup before you dress so lets go to my room. I don't think you should use Leslie's cosmetics unless she agrees....and its not healthy to use some things like mascara and....well..... We'll just have to get you your own....but for today we will use mine. Our coloring is quite similar and I believe my makeup will suit you fine." The dervish took over again and soon foundation created a flawless pallet over my youthful clear skin as Mother called it. My eyebrows were not thick at all and fairly on the narrow side...she showed me how adding a little brown pencil here and there could create a nice feminine shape without any plucking. She added liquid eyeliner, eye shadow and then gave me the mascara. "Okay, Robin you put on your own mascara....I'm sure you know how....that's right, some on the bottom too. Let that dry and then add another coat," Between mascara coatings Mother used an eyelash curler to curl my upper lashes which really made them look long. After powder and blush Mother announced I was complete except for the crowning glory....lipstick. She picked up a lipstick tube, removed the cap and rolled up a pretty wine colored lipstick and then she did the same with a red one and then she took the cap off of one and rolled up the most luscious looking rich pink frosted lipstick I had ever seen....it looked new and unused and I didn't remember seeing it before. I looked up at mother and she was smiling..."I saw this when I was at the store and thought that you should at least have your own lipstick. I can see that you like it...I'm glad." I carefully applied two coats to my lips and smiled in the mirror. There was a cute..no...a pretty teenage girl with her hair up in curlers, makeup done waiting to dress for party or a d....Whoa! One step at a time I kept telling myself. In the sex organ department in addition to lovely little titties I had an ample penis that functioned fine. All the pampering and excitement had me on the verge of an accident. "Okay darling, why don't you find something on TV while I get my nail kit and then I'll do your nails while you watch a program." I did as she said and then watched as she cleaned, repaired cuticles and filed my longish nails into a nice feminine oval. Then the polish came out. The smell was intoxicating and I nearly shook when I felt the cool sensation from the "Pretty in Pink" polish being applied to my fingernails....two coats and then a top coat. Mother left the room while my nails dried. The show I was pretending to watch ended and a Victoria's Secret commercial came on. I sat glued to the set until Mother came up behind me and rubbed my shoulder. "Come on, let's fix your hair." When I stood up my appreciation for the Victoria's Secret models was showing in my panties. "Well, it looks like Robin still likes pretty girls!" I didn't know how to respond and just followed her back to the bathroom where the wall of mirrors would allow me to watch Mother fix my hair. She sat me in a vanity chair and stood behind me removing the rollers from my head. "You know you might want to get a perm if you decide to continue on this path....I mean you would look great with some highlights and a wave maybe." All the while working on my hair, shaping it into a layered look that many of the girls I knew wore. The finishing touches were applied and the complete picture of me there in the chair looking as female as anyone with my Mother standing proudly behind me....I was lost for words. It was incredible that my secret life and my regular life were colliding and all I could think of was being girly. Mom looked at her watch and then said it was time to get dressed. "It's a quarter to four and Leslie will be home from work at four thirty. Viv said she would drive down as well if she finished her paper in time and I thought we could have a nice supper together and talk about what's happening. What do you think?" I hadn't been thinking about everyone else seeing me in feminine persona and the thought of facing my sisters was rapidly causing me a bad case of nerves. "Mom, I thought this was just for a kick, I don't want to look foolish in front of people. I love what you've helped me do...it's incredible, but I guess I'm scared people will make fun of me." "Your sisters know everything...don't worry..we all love you just as you are. The girls are actually kind of excited at maybe having a younger sister around .....and the rest we'll work out. Viv is out of school for the summer (She had just finished college and would start the student teaching part of her curriculum in the fall) and she would love to spend time with you. Leslie is out of school (she just graduated high school and was going off to college in the fall) and only works on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday afternoons so she will be around for the summer. It's not as if you have a lot of close friends so why not take the summer to explore and enjoy family. Maybe we'll take a family vacation in July....How about it?" Here I was sitting in my bra and panties, makeup and hair done and looking everything like a pretty young woman. I didn't really know what to do or say except sit there admiring the young female looking back from the mirror. Mother took me to the closet in Viv's room where she still kept some of her old clothes after leaving for college. She opened the double doors and surveyed what was there. She took out a white summer dress with a short skirt and short tailored sleeves then returned it to its place. After several look sees she pulled out a little black dress. It was a knit dress and was designed to be form fitting....I had almost tried it once, but was afraid to ruin it. "This is it, Robin. I think this is perfect for your coming out/birthday party, especially since you are fifteen now and able to start thinking about dating occasionally.... you should experience the look and dress of a young woman....a little sophisticated, but innocent as the pink nails and lips attest. I think you will need a camisole or a slip....let me see." She went to her room and then returned quickly with what she called a control slip. It was black and matched the bra and panties. "This kind of slip is figure hugging so that it doesn't interfere with the lines of the dress and gives a smooth line and surface for the dress to hang properly." I then proceeded to put the slip on and again found it hard to concentrate (it was a perfect fit as Mother, Viv and I were all about the same size)....this was stimulus overload. Then Mother handed me thigh highs and without any difficulty I pulled them up and made sure the elastic tops were even (to mother's apparent amusement). As I let the dress fall down over my head careful not to mess my hair (which bounced right back into place....maybe a perm would be nice) I felt myself shiver. Mother was there to pull a little this way and lift a little here and there until she was satisfied that everything fit perfectly. There I stood nearly complete in my transformation with great femme hair and makeup wearing an incredible LBD. As I said it is a knit which hangs to about 21/2"s above the knee and is cut straight along the bust line with spaghetti straps to help hold it up. It truly complimented my natural body shape and accentuated my most recent additions. "This is amazing.... this dress fits you perfectly as if it was made for you. Now you know why I had you put on that strapless bra. Seriously, you look amazing. Now wait right there while I find some shoes...have you tried any of ours.... which ones fit best?" I told her that Viv's fit pretty well as they were well worn and stretched to accommodate my only slightly larger feet. "Well, let me see if she left anything that might work. Hmmm!! There they are in back of the closet. Let's see...black with a heel....hmmmm. Here try these on Robin." She reached back from where she was kneeling at the shoes and handed me a pair of black strappy sandals with about a 3-31/2" heel. I sat on the bed and slipped them on and buckled the part that went around my ankle. Mother then turned around holding another pair of black heels. "Let me see you walk, honey...one foot in front of the other....just imitate the models on TV....Oh my! You are good, but that just might be too good....most girls can't pull that off." Mother is beautiful when she smiles. "Yes, that is perfect...now sit in the chair and cross your legs the way you've seen Viv, Leslie and I do. Oh! That was really wonderful. You really are accomplished." Mother stood up and walked over to where I was standing and smiled then reached out and gave me a big hug. Everything seemed surreal. "Okay, now I want you to try these peep toe pumps...they have a 4" heel, but I think you can handle it." I sat in the chair and removed my sandals and slipped my feet into the pumps. I hadn't ever tried these shoes on either and they too were amazing. As I stood up and felt myself adjust to the height and weight shifts and then.......I felt as comfortable as I can ever recall feeling before or after. It was like I was finally at home. "Well, girl.....let's see you walk in them. My goodness gracious you are really something. Those heels are definitely not too high for you and they accentuate your legs and bootie." I must be dreaming. I heard the front door opening and Viv announce she was home. I froze....this next step felt huge and risky, but I really didn't have a choice now that I had come this far.. Chapter Two The Transition period "Absolutely stunning!" Those were the first words out of Viv's mouth. "I was confident you would make passable girl, but I didn't expect this young woman who just sparkles. Only one thing is missing." Mother smiled like the cat that ate the canary. "And what is that dear daughter?" "Jewelry! It's your birthday little sister and here are your presents." She handed me a large shopping bag from the mall with several wrapped gifts inside. "Open them up!" they both shouted. The first package I opened contained a small bottle of perfume. "Here let's try it." And Viv sprayed a light mist over me. "Yes that smells scrumptious. I hope you like it." "I love it Viv....whenever I smell it I will think of your loving acceptance." "Now don't get mushy and ruin your makeup." I smiled and looked at Mother. She was smiling as well. I opened the second box to find a necklace and bracelet set. The necklace was an 18" silver chain with a silver locket that hung above my cleavage area. The bracelets were 6 thin silver and black bangle type bracelets that slip over the hand and onto the wrist. I slipped them on right away and marveled at the way they hung on my wrist and the way they moved when I raised a hand. Viv helped me with the necklace and I was beginning to get a little light headed...especially in my panties. I opened the last box and there was a pair of silver hoop earrings. As it turns out they were 3.25" hoops which Viv said every teenage girl has in her arsenal. As I held up the earrings I suddenly realized they were for pierced ears which I didn't have. The look on my face must have shown my disappointment because Viv spoke up. "I brought my ear piercing gun and if mom approves we can remedy the little problem worrying you." I looked to mom and she smiled and nodded approvingly. "How about it, little sister? I can insert some sleeves so that you can try a lot of different earrings while the holes heal up....just nothing too heavy, okay?" I nodded. The next thing I knew I had on hoop earrings, a locket necklace and bangle bracelets. It was then that I realized that I had had an orgasm or at least something like it. I felt amazing pleasure, numbing release and euphoric exhilaration for what seemed like 10 minutes. I could speak and walk and move but it was like I was in a movie....the best movie ever where I got to be this girly girl and not hide my feelings. The front door opened again and Leslie walked in. "Hey mom, hi girls! Man was I right...you are just too feminine to be a boy, Robin. You are darling little sister." I blushed. "Thanks Leslie.....you are the most feminine girl I have ever seen so I take your compliment seriously. Mother used your hot rollers to do my hair....I hope you don't mind." "No problem Robin." "By the way...isn't it someone's birthday today." I smiled from ear to ear. "Let me get some things from the car." Soon I was opening gifts again. Leslie gave me a black purse with a shoulder strap, my own set of Hot Rollers and a mineral makeup kit with everything in it. I thought I would explode with joy. What a birthday....first learning that your body is saying it wants to be a girl and then everyone I love saying that maybe I should be a girl. A lot for a 15 year old boy to digest in one day. We had a wonderful dinner and even drank a little wine and listened to music. My sisters began dancing and the next thing I knew mother was escorting me to the dance area. "Now let me lead so that you can become comfortable with the girls part....okay?" We waltzed around to a couple of songs and then Leslie put on some current dance music which was more up tempo and she and Viv pulled me out with them to the dancing area. One would show me a move and then have me imitate it until I got it right then the other would do the same insuring that I was getting a crash course in dancing in heels to the music of today. We were all a little tipsy and soon we were headed to the bath and bed rooms. Leslie showed me the proper way to remove makeup and loaned me a hair net to try and salvage my do. As I entered my bedroom Mother was sitting on my bed. "So how is my new daughter....are you alright, sweetie?" "Yes Mother, I am still spinning...so much has happened today and everything is like a fantasy....I just want it to be true." "It can be if you want it to be, I'll help, sugar. We'll see the specialist about hormones and other options, but it may be that the answer is right in front of us. Whatever happens...know that I love you for who you are and will stand with you no matter the challenge. Now I am going to sleep!" and with that she got up walked out the room closing the door behind her. I looked at the nightgown on my bed draped down from the pillow...ready to be tucked in. I decided to leave the panties on, but removed my bra. More recently my breasts have become a regular source of stimulation for me. I would often lie in bed holding them feeling their warmth. This night with my nightgown on it was like I was being massaged all over with feather light touches. The satin gown with lace at the bodice and at the hem was slinky enough that it hugged my smooth hairless body, but was flexible enough and designed to be comfortable. I wondered if it were a loaned item or another gift (turned out to be a hand me down from Mother). As I stretched out in the bed with my face down on the pillow my penis became alarmingly hard. I had never experienced anything quite like it before....I began grinding myself against the bed and within a relatively short time of extreme excitement I came in my panties. I will never forget that day and that night. Chapter Three Doctor, what should I do? As the sun found its way into my bedroom I awoke in need of the bathroom. I got out of bed in a rush and ran to the bathroom. Closing the door behind me I lifted my nightgown and pulled my panties down and sat on the toilet. As I began to urinate it dawned on me that I had sat rather than stood to relieve myself....after all it was a lot easier considering the nightgown, panties and my need to hurry. On another level it said to me that yes, a new day had risen and I was still Robin....little sister and daughter. After I cleaned myself and washed up I brushed my teeth. Staring into the mirror and looking at the young woman wearing a hair net and nightgown with her young pert breasts standing at attention I began to feel the excitement again. I wasn't sure I could make another day before getting sexual relief at bedtime and I decided it best if I did something to give me a running start and took care of matters before leaving the bathroom. Walking back toward my bedroom I saw Leslie leaving her room and heading toward the bathroom. "Good morning sis, how did you sleep in your nightgown?" I smiled and said that I had slept great and was looking forward to us all spending some time together. Entering my room I looked around at the decor. Everything was pretty bland...off white walls, a few pictures of horses and the like and a plain blue comforter on my bed. A small desk in one corner was covered with school work, books and my laptop (handed down to me when Viv bought a new one). Not the room for a girl, but really nothing masculine about it either. I took off my nightgown and stood in my panties (which I had wiped up with a wet rag earlier) no bra, my hair kind of squashed by a night of sleeping, but still in the basic set Mother had fixed for me. Even without makeup or clothes I looked like a girl. This was real. I heard a knock then Mother came in smiling. "Good morning dear, you look pretty and sweet this morning. I guess we had better find you something to wear today. We'll do some shopping later to get some things of your own, but Viv looked through her old clothes in storage and said you can have everything that you want except for her old prom dress...she wants to keep it for sentimental reasons, but she did say you could borrow it if you are invited to a prom. After Viv and Leslie joined the clothes hunt for me it was decided that it was best if today I was less dramatic than yesterday....few women shop in LBD's. I donned a sleeveless pull over top and a flippy causal cotton skirt that came to mid thigh. Viv had a pair of wedge sandals in the hand me downs she'd donated and I was soon wearing them. The 3" cork wedge heels were easy to maneuver in after the 4" pumps the night before and the outfit really looked put together, as mom described it. Makeup applied, hair sorted out with purse in hand we struck out for the mall. I was nervous to be out in public, but everyone was calm and matter of fact treating me as the female I was becoming. It was not long before I was thinking more about the dress on a mannequin or the cute heels with the bow on the toe than I was worrying if anyone was aware I was a male looking and behaving like a female. By 11am we had added greatly to my wardrobe and we were all hungry so we stopped to eat and take a break. "Don't forget to touch up your makeup after eating," Mom said. I looked up to see Leslie and Viv touching up with powder and lipstick. I reached into my purse and grabbed my compact and my lipstick. Imitating my sisters as best I could I managed to perfect my face for another run at the stores. Before we finished I had just about anything a girl could want or need. On the way home Mother stopped at a furniture store and purchased a small vanity for my room...it was to be delivered before closing time. Wow....things just kept getting more and more interesting....I was kind of swept up without having time to worry about all the changes to what had been my life, After all, as Leslie brought up at lunch we still needed to see the hormone specialist to see what could be accomplished and what possibilities were realistic. Here we were diving head first into girlhood and maybe that might not be the medically recommended path. Oh well, enjoy while it lasts was all I could think of. When we got home I began to put everything away and Mother and the girls were busy digging around in the storage closet and in the attic. By the time I had my clothes and shoes put away Mother entered carrying a pink comforter with white details for my bed. I looked at her with a quizzical look and she smiled. "This was Viv's comforter when she was your age. It is still in good condition and I just stored it in the attic for goodness knows what reason. I'm glad I did though....it will look good in your room," By the end of the weekend my room had been redecorated in a fashion appropriate for a 15 year old girl. Mostly using hand me downs, but mother did go out and by some posters and some stuffed animals 'just to make it your own'. I loved everything about it from the makeup placed on my vanity top to the lacy curtains Leslie gave me. "I'll pick up some pink paint and we can do your walls next weekend." Mother looked as though she were daydreaming as she spoke. "It might be a little early to decide if this is what is best for you, but I thought that before we meet with the specialist you should have a chance to know your feminine side....you know, live it for a while. What do you think?" "I think you're right Mother....and to be honest I find myself excited about life for the first time I can remember. It seems like everything is moving so fast....I don't know what I should do." "There, there darling, this has been going on for a while we just haven't addressed it...you know that. I say let's just be open with each other and experiment a little with the possibilities. After all, you might decide to be a tomboy kind of girl, or a feminine male, or complete the change and be a real girly girl. You won't know what it is inside of you until we look." Viv and Leslie walked in carrying loads of clothes and a box of shoes, belts and a bikini swimsuit. The thought of wearing the suit to the beach and having tan lines gave me a rush which went all the way down my body. "Okay, lets put these away and get ready for the slumber party" chipped in Leslie. "Slumber party?" I didn't know what she was talking about. "Oh, didn't mom tell you? We are having a family, girls only slumber party tonight. We'll talk and watch movies and do makeovers and just kind of get the new family off to a good start. There is plenty to talk about and you can try on your new clothes and shoes...give us a fashion show," Leslie looked excited about the idea. And we did have a great time. We ordered pizza and when the pizza boy arrived I was elected to pay him and take the pizza. Just like in the stories I've read he eyed me with obvious interest in my female qualities. I suddenly felt happy that I had just checked my makeup and hair and was looking nice. What a day! By 12:15 Mom was in bed and Leslie was getting up and to say goodnight and kissed me on the cheek. I looked over at Viv and she smiled. "I know a lot has happened and you must be wondering how you are going to adapt. Well, if you hadn't noticed, you have two sisters and a mother who love you 100%. We will be there for you and help you all along the way. I don't know what the specialist will say, but I can't imagine that you are anything but female....even if you are well endowed in an unusual way for a girl...he he!" We kissed good night and proceeded to our respective bedrooms since the last part of the slumber party had included cleaning our faces and donning night gowns. As I lay my head against the pillow I drifted into dreams normally reserved for teenage girls. I continued to live as a female for the next two weeks, learning a lot of little tidbits about being a girl. Viv even decided that I should understand the menstrual cycle because as a girl I would be expected to empathize with other females who have to deal with it. We were alone sitting in her room and discussing how to deal with boys (although I had no interest in them sexually) because like having a period I needed to know what to expect and how to deal with it. "Okay Robin, I know that it's embarrassing to talk about having our period, but you need to be knowledgeable." After the explanation as to what it is and the cycles it usually follows and all the other technical information she thought I could absorb (pardon the pun)....she sat back as if looking at me for recognition. I didn't know exactly what to say. "You know about pads and about tampons, so which do you think you would prefer?" I just looked at her. "Well, I don't have any place to put the tampon so I guess the pads." "That's true and you probably do want to use pads, especially if you are going out, but there is one place you can put a tampon if you want to have the experience. I know a gay guy at college who sticks them in his bum after he cleans himself out with douche. If he and his lover are expecting to have anal intercourse it is important to be clean down there and he says that the tampon absorbs any liquid left after his douche. If he doesn't use a tampon sometimes he leaks leftover douche. Just in case you want to experience it for yourself let me show you how they work." She took a tampon out of her purse and removed the outer paper and then pushed the cotton plug out of the plastic casing. "See, once the applicator is seated in our hole and we push the plunger like this the plug is inside you with only the string hanging out. That way we have something to pull on to remove the tampon. Do you want to try one?" "What if I do it wrong? Can it get stuck up there?" "No Sweetie, why don't you go in the bathroom and try one and if you need help let me know." I took one from her and reluctantly went into the bathroom. After consideration, I pulled down my skirt and panties and bent over. Using the suggestion by Viv, I applied a small amount of Vaseline to the tip of the tampon and slowly began working it into my hole. When it was well seated in my hole, I pushed the plunger and felt the cotton pad enter my inner regions. Wow again. I didn't expect it to be pleasurable, but in an emotional way it did pleasure me greatly. It was as if this action cemented my femaleness (if there is such a thing). I walked back into Viv's room wearing a smile. "It looks like my little sister is having her first period. Don't worry it only lasts a week at most. You should change them every time you use the restroom, so always carry spares in your purse when you are having your period" As the two weeks came to a close and my appointment with the specialist neared I began to worry. Would the doctor be appalled at my obvious femme appearance, would she think me a freak? Would she be able to help me sort things out? Curiously the thought that scared me most was that she would say that everything could be easily reversed and I could become a boy again. The night before my appointment mom came into my room while I was finishing up an article in Seventeen. "Well tomorrow is the big day, Robin. I hope you're not nervous....there is nothing to worry about. We will just be honest with the doctor and listen to everything that she has to say and then do what is best for you to be healthy and happy.....regardless." "I know Mother, but these last two weeks have been great and I don't know if I can go back to being a boy." "Let's not put the horse before the cart. Let's see what the doctor says, okay honey?" The next morning with Mother's help I dressed in female clothing that was as gender neutral on the outside as I had. Under my outer clothes I wore one of my training bras (I felt naked without it) and panties. On the outside I wore a pair of girls skinny leg jeans and a loose fitting pullover top with girls loafers (no socks) that had only a slightly raised heel. My hair was brushed out in a style not uncommon among musicians and boys who emulate them. I insisted that I needed a little foundation and a light coat of clear lip gloss. Of course I wore gold studs in my pierced ears. The doctors office was very homey and helped with my nervousness. The waiting room was sort of like living room just not quite as large as some. There were three others waiting....one middle aged woman and a much older woman with a young girl who looked to be 16 or 17. As we all sat and browsed through the mostly girl and woman magazines I had a chance to subtly observe the other patrons of the good doctor. The middle aged woman was stylishly dressed with heels and jewelry, nothing flashy....as Mother would say she was put together on purpose. The older woman seemed to be a ward of some type for the younger girl. She might have been too old to be the mother, but not old enough to be the grandmother....an older auntie maybe. After a short wait my name was called and a nurse ushered Mother and I into a room more clinical than the office. There was a scary looking table with arms or legs sticking up out of one side (learned they were called stirrups). Mother and I each sat in the chairs provided when the door opened and Dr. Borde walked in. She was a striking woman with mid length blonde hair cut in an easy to do natural style. Her face was beautiful. She used a minimum of makeup (a mineral based I remember thinking), but everything she did use just dramatized what she had naturally. "Hi! You must be Robin, I'm Dr. Borde and you must be Robin's Mother, Rene'. It is a pleasure to meet both of you. I have read the charts Dr. Gats sent over and looked at the blood work. It seems that your body has been playing some curious tricks. As a doctor who specializes in hormones and hormone disfunction I have seen male or female hormone production...one or the other, malfunction. Normally it is one or the other, but in your case it seems both have taken a left turn...that is to say gone in directions resulting in the female hormones being dominate. We sometimes give hormone blockers as in the case of male to female transgender patients. If and when the situation arises that calls for the introduction of female hormones to assist in gender reassignment we do that as well. However, in your case the body is essentially doing the same thing by ceasing to produce much in the way of male hormones and producing an abundance of female hormones (for a male), but without any outside help. I think the next step is to give you a good look over. That door opens into a dressing room....please step in and remove all clothing and put on one of the gowns on the vanity." I did as I was told and was feeling vulnerable in the flimsy exam gown. After looking at and touching and probing every inch of my body Dr. Borde told me to put my clothes back on while she called Mother to join us. Dr. Borde recommended that I see a psychologist to sort out my emotions in a safe yet objective setting. When I asked what gender I should try to present to the public she answered "yours of course!," It was years later before I understood the full implications of her statement. The plan was, in addition to the psychologist I would have monthly blood samples taken and general health monitored. After explaining how she would monitor me, she then said that she was a bit surprised at how well developed my penis was. She asked if it functioned and I told her it did, blushing like a young bride I imagine. For that reason Dr. Borde suggested not intervening medically and just monitor where my body went. The production of female hormones (which was not yet full blown) might lessen or stop and or the male production might kick back in. "At some point we will probably want to decide one way or the other, but not necessarily. Some gender patients decide to live as females with a male part....some very successfully...but that decision is a ways off," Since I was moving in the direction of female both in body and spirit we decided to let me transition through the summer and then evaluate before fall semester. Although I kept an open mind I knew I would be a girl. On the way home we stopped in front of the beauty salon my Mother and sisters used. TERRY"S SOUTHERN BEAUTY....the name was a bit over the top it seemed to me, but I wasn't complaining. We entered and Terry, a handsome woman of thirty-ish or so came up and hugged Mother. "Rene' I haven't seen you in weeks, I'm so glad you called....you used to stop by and visit all the time." "Oh, I am sorry Terry, I do miss our talks as well." Terry then turned to me..."Robin, I haven't seen you since you were very little....you are really developing into a beautiful young girl. Your mother tells me that you are fifteen now and want to look a little more mature. I'm sure I can come up with some ideas if you are willing to play with it a little bit. How about it?" I was jumping out of my skin. Yes, I knew I was a girl from the first time I put on panties, but I had only fantasized about going this far...never thinking it might be possible. Here I was in a feminine lair with all the smells, colors and devices necessary to transform any housewife into a goddess (maybe I exaggerate a little). I know my smile showed every tooth in my head and I nodded in the affirmative. I had my hair washed and colored to brighten my natural blonde color and highlights were added. Next my hair was trimmed although it was a little here and a little there.....not really much hair was removed...it was what she called shaping. Terry's assistant, Mary came over and wet my hair again after the last conditioning was washed from my head. "I am going to give you a perm, Robin. The smell is not great, but it is worth the discomfort when you see the results," My hair was rolled onto too many rods for me to count and I was place under a dryer. While I was waiting, the manicurist DeeDee came over with her cart and began working on my nails. When she finished I had perfect nails polished in a dark brownish raisin color. My nails extended about a half inch past my fingertips and DeeDee called them silk wraps. After the drier my eyebrows were waxed into ample but definitely feminine arches appropriate for a girl my age. After a facial mask was removed and my face moisturized, makeup of every kind was applied. Terrie repeated that today I would be made up to present a little older as if I was going out on a date or out to a nice restaurant....not the typical fifteen year old going to school.....although young women and girls often like to try things out and copy the models in magazines and TV who wear lots of makeup. When she finished and my hair was through processing and setting on rollers she looked at me with pride. "Honey, you are really a head turner. Let me remove those curlers and see how your new style looks," She was like a mad scientist with curlers flying and brushes pulling this way and that....finally she came to a halt like she had been unplugged." "Now stand up Robin and face the mirrors so you can see the whole new you......well, what do you think?" I was speechless. I didn't look like a girl, I was a girl. My hair was still shoulder length but it had enough body to stand up and away from my delicate looking neck and shoulders. It was most definitely and strictly a girls style. I thanked everyone profusely and kept looking at myself with the darkish nails and matching lips.....eyes that you might see in a Maybelline commercial. I couldn't wait to get home and try on some dresses and skirts and especially earrings which could now be visible all the way up to my lobes. The summer continued to be one lesson after another in the subtleties of being feminine. I continued to have my periods and used both pads and tampons depending on my clothing and mood. In July we went to Florida for 2 weeks and I got my tan lines. I also learned that boys would be attracted to me as I was approached numerous times at the beach and even once by the Hotel pool. I told them my Mother didn't allow me to date yet, but I did learn to flirt....both by experience and being tutored by Mother, Viv and Leslie. It was great fun and I became very comfortable in my role as a girl....I also continued to pleasure my large clit (as I had begun to call it) every day (or night as the occasion allowed.). I enjoyed being a girl, but the thought of removing my willie was not one I liked to ponder. Maybe I was meant to be one of those males who live as females Dr. Borde talks about. In August I had an appointment with Dr. Borde and Mother and I went both dressed similar to the way the middle aged woman had that first day. My attire of course was age appropriate, but in the same classic style that exudes 'I am a proud female'. "Well Robin it looks like you are thriving in your new gender. How do you feel about everything?" "Doctor Borde, I love who I am, but my boobs are still pretty small. Do you think they will grow some more?" "They might...again your hormones have not yet made a decision to go forward as a female. I guess its like a limbo of sorts, or a waiting area might be a better analogy....you are healthy and still very young....I say continue to wait and see." That evening at supper mother brought up the subject of the fall semester starting in 3 weeks. "Viv, have you heard anything about you know what?" mom asked. "Yes, I got the go ahead by email today. I should receive the paperwork in the mail next week to create a hard copy contract." "What contract?" I asked. "Viv still needs to do some teaching in order to get her masters of education degree. It only needs to be official and meet state guidelines and that includes home schooling. Due to your medical issues you qualify for home schooling and the state will pay Viv the same as if she were teaching you in a school. It is not much, but it is a position she must first accomplish before becoming certified and with her living at home it is a good situation for all of us." "You mean Viv will be my school teacher?" "Yes and you had better study hard because I will earn my pay. I expect no less than honor roll," Viv smiled as she tried to play the roll of stern teacher. "Yes Miss Young," I batted my mascara laden eyes looking coy and almost sissyish if that is possible. "Okay then.....I don't want to have to use the paddle." We all laughed at the comical scenario playing out. "I have to go across town and pick up some dry cleaning near my office. I will probably drop in and see how things are going and if Sheila is working out as manager (Mother owns a realty company). I am enjoying the freedom of not having to be there all the time which gives us a chance to spend a lot of time together as a family. I'll see you girls around eight, so its everyone for themselves for supper. Okay?" After Mother left, Viv decided to go out onto the patio and smoke a cigarette. It was one of her only bad habits....also something I found exciting.. Something about the way a woman holds her cigarette, inhales and then blows the smoke out in a feminine gesture of decadence. She swears that it takes at least three days for her to finish a pack. I wouldn't criticize her, especially since I had tried it a few times during the summer. The first time was with a boy on the beach in Florida....He thought I was older (maybe 18 if you are dreaming). Anyway I was enjoying being a young woman and so I smoked a cigarette. I didn't do too bad and it was following a joint that Brad (that was his name) had introduced me to earlier under the boardwalk so it didn't taste that bad. Once I smoked a cigarette with a girl I befriended after Florida. She worked in a bakery near my house and was much more worldly than I. (Outside the family, no one knew I was male)....I think Marla (the girl from the bakery) suspected something...I think she might of thought I was a lesbian.....I think she might have been as well. That thought suddenly turned on a light in my head. That was me....a male lesbian who looked like a girl and was attracted to girls. Anyway, I walked out with Viv and she pulled a pack from her purse. She opened it and started to pull one out then looked up and offered it to me. I didn't know what to do, but I yearned to accept. "I know you have tried it, Robin. It is not a habit that I recommend, but as long as I do it I will enjoy it. Have one....just between us girls." I took one and thanked her. She lit mine then hers before putting her cig's and lighter in her purse. We sat and talked and smoked....I remained excited until reaching climax in bed later that night. School began and in addition to the classes Viv administered I joined a Yoga class and signed up for the YWCA so I could use the indoor pool. I became friends with several girls and my summer crash course being with my family served me well....adapting easily to being a girl around other girls my age....I blended in well. Chapter Four Mother what have you done? .......thank you, thank you, thank you. As my 16th birthday approached I began to feel like I was gaining weight. I started the year at 5' 6" and 123lbs. Willowy except for my boobs which had started to grow again and my plump little behind that wriggled when I walk in heels. Now I was weighing in at 127lbs. Only 4 lbs., but the whole four pounds seems to have gathered at my breasts with maybe a little at the hips. "Mother, I believe my breasts are going through another growth spurt. My bras are getting tight and really don't hold in my breasts comfortably." "Let me see....yes they seem to be coming in nicely, I would say a near medium B cup. They are precious dear....you must be so proud." I thought about what mother said...I should be proud....I am a girl or a boy or whatever....I am me. "I guess you need some new bras to accommodate your development. And since you scored so well on you exit exams this year (with plenty of thanks to Viv) I think you deserve a shopping trip. With your birthday coming up we should plan something nice so we can dress to the nines and go all girly for the day and evening...what do you say? Spruce up our wardrobes....now that Leslie's off at college and Viv has finished her degree and is back in the city, it is just us two girls. We will have so much fun as you move through your teenage years. Its time you expanded your number of friends....not being in school last year left you without as many as you could have. Next year you will attend regular school as the girl you are. Dr. Borde has provided the school with all the necessary paperwork to have you enrolled as a girl. No one need ever know your secret as you have been exempted from PE. You will instead tutor other girls who are having difficulty and get your credit that way. Your hard work with Viv paid off. My dear Robin, off into the world....I am so excited for you, sweetie." At the end of summer it was time to shop again for school clothes and fresh makeup and all the other things girls want. Mother was very generous with me. My birthday had been a feast of frillies and the Friday, Saturday and Sunday before my birthday on Monday, were spent in a spa Mother arranged for us. We were treated to mud baths, a facial each day, mani's and pedi's and finally a full body massage each evening. We had arrived at a clever method hiding my 'clit'. My testicles were nearly nonexistent and I was, as Dr. Borde put it "shooting blanks." The massage created a challenge...even for my practiced discipline and technique I feared my enjoyment might result in exposure. When Mother saw my concern she just smiled. "Don't worry Robin. The girls here know of your uniqueness and are perfectly happy to treat you as the young woman you present. They even said they were looking forward to seeing you when I made the appointment. I'll bet they didn't expect to see such a feminine specimen with which to work. I noticed the redhead who was doing your facial was enjoying giving your face that pampering as you were receiving it...you rascal....how could she not....you are absolutely gorgeous....I am so proud of you." "Mother, you told the girls? How could you." "Oh hush sissy....I told you they don't mind at all. Besides, they were going to be touching you near some intimate places on your body and we had to disclose that you still had a boy part....I would rather they decline than cause a scene if we were exposed." "I guess you are right as usual Mother," It was strange...I felt an exhilaration knowing I had been exposed and still accepted completely by the girls in the salon. I think there was a little humiliation/embarrassment knowing that the girls had known all along and what they must have been thinking. I liked the feeling....and then I thought about what Mother had said about Sarah the redhead enjoying her work. Hmmmm! If she knew my secret and was enjoying treating me to such femme delights....maybe I could find a girl who likes me just like I am.....I was unable to accept that a female I might be attracted to, might actually be attracted to me. A Lipstick lesbian with something extra....that's me. School started and I was registered as Robin Anna Young (Anna was my grandmother's name). Everything went fine the first week and I met a lot of nice girls and a few boys. I was in heaven wearing short skirts and lipstick and all the current eye makeup fashions. At mid week I was crossing the quadrangle and I saw Marla (the girl from the bakery) walking towards me. As we came upon one another she recognized me. "Hey, Robin. I didn't know you came to school here." "Hi Marla. It's my first year at this school. I would have been a sophomore but I took a school system entrance exam when I moved here and I scored well enough to qualify as a junior. I didn't know you went here either. Are you a senior?" "Yeah, this is my last year. I'm glad to get out of here. I don't quite fit in....you know?" I didn't know, but I nodded in agreement. "So Robin, let's have lunch together sometime." "That would be great Marla, I'd like that." "It's a date then." The way she said that last part sent a pleasant shiver up my spine. I remembered the Redhead and although I was physically becoming a woman I still had a clit that longed for female companionship. My desires were, as they say, 'raging'. Well Marla and I did have lunch one day and then another and soon it was an everyday tradition. I noticed that Marla didn't seem to have a lot of friends, but I found her to be nice, pretty and smart and a lot of fun. I made several friends especially in my class, but Marla and I had a special bond.....and I was realizing I was very attracted to her. I was afraid if she learned my secret I would not only lose the girl I lust after but also my best friend. I was afraid to risk it. Then about six weeks into the school year we were walking home from school (as I lived on the way to her house) and she suddenly stopped walking. I turned and looked at her quizzically. "What's wrong Marla? You suddenly look so sad." "I've got to tell you something Robin.....I don't know how to say this as I never felt quite this way before. I think I am falling in love with you," She looked away. "And I am physically attracted to you," She paused and then looked back over her shoulder at me. "Do you hate me?" I was caught by surprise and was temporarily speechless. "I knew it...you hate me. Why do I have to be different....why aren't I attracted to boys like the other girls?" I got my voice back and tried to console her. "Marla, please don't cry....I'm attracted to you too, but I have a secret also and I'm afraid mine makes yours seem small." "That's not possible. Wait...you said you're attracted to me too?" Her tears were turning into smiling eyes. "Yes, but like I said there is something you should know about me.... I too, am afraid to lose you....as a friend and as a potential girlfriend." "Nothing could be that bad, Robin. What is it?" "Well, it goes like this...." and I began to tell her my story. When I had finished, she smiled. "I am not sure I believe you, but I am anxious to see for myself...either way," We stopped behind the bakery and smoked cigarettes and talked about how we could proceed with this new development. Then we went to my house since Mother wasn't expected home until 6pm. I showed her my proof, but mostly we just kissed and petted. It was the first real romance I ever shared with a girl or a boy for that matter. As the semester continued so did our relationship and soon we were an item. We did not flaunt it, but our close friends knew or suspected. All went well right through Christmas with Marla joining Mother, Leslie, Viv and I for Christmas Eve dinner and gifts. Mom and my sisters loved Marla and our intimate relationship continued with some changes beginning to occur with regard to our roles. Marla became increasingly dominate, and as she was two years my senior I always accepted her leadership. New Years Eve we attended a party at a friend of Marla's who was also a senior and comfortable with Marla and I as a couple. Marla was in her boy mode with a tailored pant suit that had a mannish quality to it. She is a beautiful graceful woman, but when she allows her masculine side a little room she truly overwhelms me. This evening we ended up at her house around 1am. Her mother, who is divorced, was out of town for a week on business and had been stranded in a snow storm in Chicago. We had the place to ourselves and with New Years and the bit of Champagne I had.... I was in a romantic mood. "Come here my little sweetie. Give daddy a kiss. I think tonight daddy will teach you about the birds and bees and how to make love like the beautiful creature you are." "Oh my prince charming. I await your kiss and offer myself as your dutiful wife." "Just what I wanted to hear. Now up into my bedroom....I have a naughty little nightie you can borrow....I won't need it tonight." Soon I was clad in a silky nightie which barely covered my panties. "Off with those panties, honey. Get yourself comfortable in the bed and I'll be with you in a minute." As I settled partly under a sheet and with one leg up to my thigh exposed seductively. I looked up at Marla as she entered from the bathroom....it took a minute to register that she was wearing a strap on dildo. "Marla, what is that?" "This, my dear darling is a penis. You have one so I wanted one too. I know you call yours a clit, but it's big enough for use as your dildo....so now I have my dildo and I'm going to make you my bitch tonight." As I have said, Marla is the dominate girl in our relationship, but this was the first time she had assumed the masculine role with regard to penetration. I was well experienced with Tampons and had played with Viv's