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WISHFUL THINKING This story is a bit of pure "self-indulgence"; I just wish it were true! I must remind readers that the story is pure fiction and any reference to real-life people or events is entirely intentional and totally ironic! I have also reintroduced characters from another story. "Wishful Thinking" can be read as a "stand-alone" story, but previous knowledge of "Flat Mates" would probably be helpful. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx My name is Caroline Walker and I am a cross-dresser. A couple of years ago I started writing transgendered fiction as a way of increasing my interaction with the community, given that I am still largely in the closet and am only rarely able to go out dressed. I have posted my stories on the Fictionmania site as this is, in my opinion, the best source of TG fiction on the web - or indeed anywhere else! The feedback I have received from readers has, in the main, been positive and I have been encouraged to continue writing. On of my tales, "Flat Mates", follows the adventures of a young student during his three years at University as he comes to terms with the fact that he is both a cross-dresser and gay. It is the longest story I have written and overall I am reasonably pleased with it. Anyway, having written and posted "Flat Mates" on Fictionmania, I sat back with a sigh of relief at a job completed and wondered what my next subject should be. I was soon dreaming up other story-lines and characters and "Flat Mates" faded from my immediate consciousness. So you can imagine my surprise when one day, quite out of the blue, I received the following email in my "Caroline" inbox: Dear Caroline, I hope you don't mind my emailing you like this, but I have just read your story "Flat Mates" and I think it would form the basis of a film I have been thinking of making for some time. I wonder whether you might be interested in meeting up for an initial discussion about the feasibility of my idea. Give me a call at our offices, Yours sincerely, Guy Prendergast Director of One-Off Films Ltd, 47 Old Kiln Lane, Hackney, London Tel: 0207 xxx xxxx To say I was gobsmacked would be the understatement of the year! I couldn't believe what I was reading; someone wanted to turn my little story - which I had really written for my own benefit - into a feature film. Now it so happened I was already planning to go to London on business for a few days in a couple of weeks time, so I rang Guy's office on the number he had provided and arranged, through his secretary, for us to meet. I read and re-read my story several times during the intervening days to refresh my memory of exactly what scrapes I had put my hero(ine) through; I didn't want to appear less au-fait with my work that the person who was considering adapting it into a film! Eventually it was time and I set off for London. As I kissed my wife goodbye, I reflected that it was a shame that she had made it clear that she did not understand and had no wish to know about my transvestite leanings. It was because I did not want to risk distressing her that I was hardly ever able to bring "Caroline" out of her closet; there was definitely no way I could take any feminine clothing with me to London, so Guy would just have to meet me as boring old "Clive" rather than as vivacious "Caroline". I checked into my London hotel and spent the next couple of days on the business that had originally brought me there. My appointment with Guy was for 11am the following morning and it was with mixed feelings of excitement and trepidation that I made my way to Hackney. 47 Old Kiln Lane turned out to be a converted Victorian warehouse occupied by a number of media businesses and One-Off Films had their offices on the first floor. I entered their reception and introduced myself to the Receptionist; "Good morning. My name is Clive Phillips and I have an appointment with Guy Prendergast, although I think he may be expecting me as "Caroline Walker"!" The Receptionist smiled; "Yes Mr Phillips, Guy is expecting you and he did warn me that he wasn't sure whether you would arrive in male or female mode!" Her warm, friendly tone defused this potentially embarrassing moment and I returned her smile with a rueful grin. "Whilst Caroline would have loved to have been here herself, I'm afraid she had to send me in her stead" I replied. The Receptionist, whose name-tag informed me was called Anne, ushered me into Guy Prendergast's office. It was a warm, slightly scruffy room, piled high with books, papers, and DVD's. Viewing and listening equipment occupied the whole of one wall. Guy was seated behind a large desk, overflowing with papers. This was clearly a serious working area and not some high-tech, glossy, media "front-office". Guy rose to greet me and indicated that we should sit in the "soft area" which comprised a battered leather sofa, arm chair, and coffee table. He apologised for the mess and removed a pile of books off the table. Anne asked whether I would prefer tea or coffee and bustled away to fetch our drinks. Guy started by explaining the One-Off films was a small, independent, film-making company who looked for interesting projects that other, more main-stream organisations, might have overlooked. "We have made films for both cinema release and television" Guy explained, mentioning a few titles of which, fortunately, I had seen a couple although I hadn't realised the connection. "One of our staff, who happens to be a cross-dresser himself, came across your story and drew it to my attention. We have been looking for a vehicle through which to explore the transgendered scene for a while now, and your story seems to have definite potential." I hardly knew how to respond. I told Guy that I was an inexperienced writer and that the postings he had seen on Fictionmania represented my entire oeuvre! "The quantity doesn't matter" he responded, "it is the quality that counts and I think "Flat Mates" could be developed into a really interesting film. Would you be interested?" Well what could I say? This offer was not only very flattering, it presented an opportunity for me to develop my writing in new and different ways; so, of course, I said "Yes"! Guy went on to tell me that what had attracted him to my story was that it did not sensationalise cross-dressing. "Too many of the stories we have looked at emphasise the sexual aspects of dressing but don't get into what really drives people to cross-dress and why, once started, it is seems to be impossible for individuals to stop. Your story, on the other hand, presents the dilemmas that your characters face in a realistic context. Of course to turn it into a film we will have to simplify your narrative and develop an appropriate visual style for telling the story, but I am confident that between us we can achieve this." He then went on to say that he recognised I had no experience of the script-writing but that he still wanted me on the team. "I suggest I pair you with one of my long-term writing colleagues" he said. "He can provide the structure and technique, whilst you will be able to flesh out the characterisation." By now it was midday and Guy suggested we adjourn for lunch. He took me to a little restaurant down the road which specialised in Caribbean cooking. The food was fabulous and our conversation stimulating. This was my first experience of the heady world of film making and Guy explained more fully the philosophy of his company and the sort of films they tried to make. "We seek to explore the nooks and crannies of modern society" he said, "to get away from the obvious subjects and to examine those areas and people who tend to be marginalised or rejected. Just now transgender subjects are quite the vogue amongst alternative film-makers, but most of those I have seen have focussed on individual transsexuals and personal stories. I want to broaden the debate to look at the wider spectrum of men, and women, who need, from time to time, to present themselves in the role of the opposite sex." As our meal came to a close, Guy raised one delicate subject; "Have you an agent?" he enquired. "You have intellectual copyright over your story and I am talking about employing you to work on the adaption; both these issues have financial implications. I won't pretend that my film is going to make you rich; it isn't! The budget for the film will, perforce, be limited and once completed we are only likely to get a limited distribution in Art-house cinemas. However, I don't want to rip you off and if you haven't got an agent yet I strongly advise you to do so." I confessed that the thought of engaging a literary agent had never crossed my mind and I had no idea as to how to set about finding one. "Well it would be inappropriate for me to recommend anyone to you" said Guy; "I would suggest you get in touch with The Writers Guild of Great Britain - you can find their details on the web - and I'm sure they will be happy to advise you." I immediately resolved to do just that, but the whole conversation about money, agents, employment had raised a serious worry in my mind. "There is one problem I need to address before we take this much further" I told Guy. "My wife strongly disapproves of my cross-dressing and copes by pretending it doesn't happen. She knows nothing about my writing, but, if we do go ahead with a film of "Flat Mates", there is no way I am going to be able to keep it from her. I will need to come out openly to her and explain everything. This isn't going to be easy! Can you give me a few days to get through this before continue our discussion?" Guy fully understood my dilemma and we agreed I would ring him in a few days once I had cleared things at home. I thanked Guy for his interest in my writing and said I really hoped I would be able to work with him in translating "Flat Mates" into a film. With that we parted and I went off to catch my train home; I had a great deal to think about. My first problem was how to tell my wife. She was aware that I had a "fetish for women's clothing"; what she didn't understand was just how deep that need was and that it wasn't a fetish but an integral part of who I am. I waited for an opportune moment to come out to her. Eventually an opportunity arose and, as we were sitting over a drink one evening, I broached the subject. "You know about my needing to wear women's clothing from time to time" I started; I could feel the frost descend between us! "Well," I continued "I know you don't like it so I have refrained, as much as I can, from involving you. I only dress infrequently and never when you are around." The silenced deepened. "To compensate and meet my needs another way, I have started writing stories about transgendered people. A film producer came across one of these on a website and has contacted me to say that he would like to turn my story into a film. I would really like to develop this project, but wouldn't dream of doing so without your agreement." Needless to say there then ensued a period of tears and recriminations. I deserved much of what Maureen, my wife, threw at me but I sat quietly through it and did not try to argue back. Eventually things calmed down somewhat and I was able to apologise for having kept her in the dark. "I'm really hurt, you know" Maureen told me. "I know I've made you suppress your feelings about women's clothing, but to learn that for all this time you have been running a secret life as a writer behind my back is grossly unfair." She was right and I acknowledged as much. Maureen then went on to ask sensible questions about my writing and exactly what Guy was suggesting. I had taken the precaution of printing off a copy of "Flat Mates" - all 14 chapters of it! - and I gave the manuscript to her. "I suggest you read this first" I said "and then we can talk more meaningfully about the possible film." Maureen said she would read my story the next day whilst I was at work and that we would resume our conversation the following evening. On that note of minor reconciliation we went off to bed - (at least I hadn't been banished to the spare room!) It was with some trepidation that I came home the following evening, not at all certain as to the reception I would receive. Maureen was sitting in the lounge with my story on her lap. "Well," she said "I have to confess that you have written a fascinating tale here. I was drawn into it in spite of my reservations about the whole cross- dressing business and I can see why your producer friend might want to turn it into a film. Now what would actually be involved if I were to agree to your pursuing this idea?" I was greatly relieved by Maureen's reaction and expelled the breath I found I had been holding whilst she was speaking. "I'm not actually sure" I confessed. "I didn't want to take the discussion with Guy too far without telling you about it first. If you genuinely are willing to let me explore it further, I'll get back to Guy and set up another meeting. I promise you I won't enter into any firm commitment with asking you first." Maureen said she thought that was fair and we kissed and made up. I poured us both a gin and tonic and we sat down and I filled Maureen in on my conversation with Guy and explained what I thought the next steps would be. "The first thing I need to do is get myself an Agent" I said. "I think that is a necessary step whether we finally go ahead with this project or not." Maureen agreed, so I logged onto the Writers Guild website and made a note of their telephone number so that I could ring them the following morning. The next day I did, indeed, ring the Writers Guild and they were most helpful. By lunchtime I had myself an Agent, one William Fowler. He said he would be happy to represent me in issues relating to my writing and that I should contact him following my next meeting with Guy. I then proceeded to ring Guy and we arranged that I would go down to London the following Monday. For his part Guy said he would arrange for me to meet a few key players in the project. On the Monday I caught an early train to London and pitched up at One- Off Film's offices at 10am. Guy was ready for me and took me through to a conference room where he introduced me to Stan - the screen-writer with whom I would be working; Phil - his Finance Director; and Simon - the Film Editor who had first spotted my story on Fictionmania! Anne - Guy's PA/Receptionist I had already met on my previous visit. We got down to work straight away. I hadn't realised how complex a process it was to put together the component parts of even a low-budget film such as we were discussing. "The first thing we need to get in place" Guy started "is a story board showing how we are going to adapt your original story for film. Then, once we are all happy with that, we will need to script a couple of scenes. This will give Phil the material he needs to hawk round potential investors. Can you, Clive, work with Stan on this? It would be good if we had something ready in, say, ten days time." This was all new to me and I was soon reeling under the avalanche of information. I managed, eventually, to get the odd word in and confirmed that I would go home that night and set myself up for a couple of weeks work in London. "Once we get the basics sorted and the project is properly underway, you will be able to work more from home and we can swap material electronically, with only the occasional need for face to face meetings" Stan explained, "but initially it is best that we work side by side. That way you can learn the tricks of the trade from me and, in turn, I can absorb what makes your characters tick." He then, kindly, offered me accommodation at his flat; "I've a great loft apartment with oodles of space" he said, "it will be no trouble to me for you to stay over and that way we can work for as long as the juices are flowing!" I accepted with alacrity. As the meeting broke up and I prepared to set off for the railway station, Simon approached me; "As a fellow cross-dresser" he started "I thought you might like me to introduce you around a bit. I know some great clubs and pubs frequented by trannies that I think you would enjoy." This was a real temptation and I thanked him profusely. "I'll need to think about that Simon" I said. "I am only just getting my wife round to the whole idea of this project and I don't want to rock the boat by apparently going further than she and I have agreed; maybe later?" Simon understood my dilemma and we agreed that, for the present, I would forego the pleasures of going out with him/her en- femme. I arrived home late that afternoon and was waiting with drinks poured for Maureen when she returned from the office where she worked. I quickly filled her in what had happened during the day. "Guy says he won't be able to pay me much" I explained, but as I have been out of work now for six months, any money I can earn will be extremely useful." (I had lost my job during a "downsizing" exercise undertaken by my previous employer!) Maureen wasn't too enthusiastic about my being on my own in London for ten days. "You haven't been honest with me up to now" she argued, "How do I know I can trust not to get up mischief whilst you are a way?" She had a point; by not being open with her previously, I had forfeited any right not to expect to be questioned about my future behaviour. "I will be working pretty much non-stop" I told her. "That is why I will be staying with the lead- writer who is going to teach me my new trade." I deliberately made no mention of Simon offer to introduce me into his cross-dressing circle as I wasn't confident that I wouldn't succumb to the temptation! I packed enough clothes - (male only) - to last me a couple of weeks and, the next morning, caught the train back to London. Stan was waiting for me at his apartment and, having shown me where I would be sleeping, suggested we get down to work straight away. "We are going to be hard put to meet Guy's deadline anyway" he said, "We can't afford to waste a moment. Why don't we start with you telling me which you think are the key sequences in the story? Of course I've read "Flat Mates" several times and have my own ideas about how we can simplify and visualise it for film, but I don't want to ride rough-shod over your work and would appreciate your thoughts before we get the blue pencil out." ........And that was the start of our work! I was amazed at just how detailed and complex a task it was to adapt a story from the written word into something suitable for the totally different medium of film. However, by the end of the ten days we had done what Guy had asked and I was much more knowledgeable about writing a film script. In fact Stan had insisted that once we had completed the basic "story-boarding", I should script one scene, whilst he wrote another. We presented our work to Guy, Phil, Simon, and some new people who were introduced to me as Sebastian (Seb) - the Director, Jill - the Designer, and Gerald - costume. (Gerald was so outrageously camp as to almost be a parody of a gay man!) At the end of our presentation Guy chaired a discussion during which everyone added their own thoughts and observations. At last Guy declared himself happy that we had a product Phil could take to potential investors. "You two" Guy said, indicating Stan and me "need to carry on with the first draft of the complete script." As the meeting broke up Guy took me to one side; "Your Agent has been in touch" he said. "We have had an initial discussion and I have sent him a draft contract for you to consider. As I said previously, I can't offer you much up front, but I have been as generous as I can with a percentage of any profit we might make." I thanked him and said I would talk to William Fowler at the earliest possible opportunity. "At this point in my life any earnings will be welcome" I joked, "but, as I told you originally, I didn't start writing specifically for money, but rather because I wanted to say something about the transgendered community. If this film advances that cause, I'll be happy." Stan and I went back to his place and agreed a division of scenes on which each of us would work. We would swap drafts via email and get back together once we had a "first draft" to kick about. I caught the train home reflecting that for all my reservations about not telling Maureen I was tempted by the prospect of going out to tranny Clubs, I just hadn't had the time to even think about it! Maureen was pleased to see me home. "For all your faults I still love you and ten days has been too long to be apart" she said, giving me a warm welcoming kiss. Even though I had rung her every evening from London, Maureen was eager to hear all about my work in detail and it took quite a long time before she stopped asking questions. "It is very strange, you know" I mussed. "I lived through that story whilst I was writing it, but now that others are involved with the adaption, it feels quite different. I am able to be more detached; sit back and take a critical look at the logic and plausibility of the story. I hope that when it is finished it still gets across the message I wanted to convey." A couple of days later a copy of my draft contract came through the post and, having read it, I rang my agent to seek his thoughts. William was very encouraging; "Even if I say it myself, I think I have negotiated a pretty good deal for you" he informed me. "These small independent film companies can rarely offer much up front - and One-Off Films is no exception. However, they have been generous with the percentage deal; obviously they are keen to get you on board. I would suggest you accept it." So I did. I now entered a period of several weeks of hard graft; draft after draft of the various scenes sped between Stan and I, and I went to London many times for script conferences. Finally we had a "first draft" with which we were both happy and we emailed it to the rest of the team. Guy set up another meeting at which all the creative people involved took our draft to pieces. I could have become seriously depressed had not Stan warned me that this was standard procedure in the film business and that he could promise that the final product would be all the better for vigorous criticism. To my delight Phil was able to report very satisfactory progress on the fund-raising front. He had found a number of investors who thought the time was ripe for a transgender film. "I think we can go to pre- production" Guy announced. The first thing that had to be done was to cast actors in our two main roles of Kerris/Katy and Gavin/Gloria. We couldn't afford "name" actors, so Seb advertised in the professional press and set up auditions. Once he had whittled down the numbers to an acceptable level, the remaining candidates were invited in for a screen test. For these auditions, Stan and I, along with Guy, Jill, and Gerald sat in. I found the whole process totally absorbing. The actors were seen in pairs and asked to play out a couple of scenes; one scripted - (by me!) - of Gavin outing himself to Kerris as a cross-dresser; and another, which they had to improvise, of a reluctant Katy being encouraged to enter The Purple Python trannie club for the first time. I was very impressed by the overall standard of acting and the way in which these young men entered into the role of a cross-dresser without, apparently, having any previous knowledge. Seb made it clear that, as Director, the ultimate choice of actors would be his. However, he made a point of seeking all our views on the final shortlist. Fortunately there was a fair degree of agreement as to who we all liked; so Adrian Giles and Martin Peacock were cast as Kerris and Gavin. Once the two young actors had joined the team, Seb held a read through of the whole of the draft script. It didn't go too well and it was clear to all of us that neither Adrian nor Martin had ever met any cross-dressers. (Not too surprising; they were both only 20 years old after all!) Seb suggested they should pay a visit to a tranny Club or bar. Once Simon heard of this proposal, he immediately offered to set an evening outing. Simon was a regular cross-dresser and Gerald occasionally performed as a Drag Queen. Everyone was aware, of course, that I was a closet dresser; so it was suggested that the three of us, plus the two lads should dress as women, whilst Seb, Guy and Stan should be our "male escorts". Phil was roped in to make up numbers but that still left us one "man" short. I said I would be more than happy to drop out - (I wasn't at all sure how I would explain this outing to Maureen!) - but Simon, ever helpful (!), suggested Jill could be our fifth "man" as a girl in drag. Everyone, apart from me, thought this was a great idea and Simon was despatched to come up with a plan. It was decided that our cover plan should be that we were celebrating Simon's birthday. The "men" would wear black-tie, whist we "girls" would be in various styles of evening gown. Gerald was charged with sorting out suitable clothing for those of us that needed it. The genetic "men" had no problem; they all had dinner suits. Jill decided to go "femme" in terms of make-up, jewellery, hair, and shoes but to wear a masculine suit, shirt, and bow-tie. She looked stunning in a disturbing, androgynous way. Of the "female" members of our party, I was by far the oldest at 47. Gerald was in his early 30's - (he wouldn't own up to an exact age!); Simon was 29 and our two actors, Adrian and Martin, were both 20. Simon insisted on wearing one of his own dresses, so that meant Gerald had to dress four of us and Jill. For Adrian and Martin he picked out skimpy, glittery party frocks that were hardly decent. One was bright red silk and strapless; the other was steel blue with the bodice covered in sequins and with little spaghetti straps. For himself he chose a full- length, royal blue, velvet gown, slit to the waist at one side and virtually backless. By now I was getting quite nervous as to what I would be asked to wear! Fortunately Gerald picked me out a very pretty frock; it was a black velvet mini with a floor-length voile overskirt that ran from hip to hip round my back, leaving my legs on display in the front. The neckline was rounded and modest and the dress was teamed with a black lace shrug to cover my shoulders and arms. Simon and I were accustomed to heels, but Gerald made Adrian and Martin wear pumps for a couple of days until they were able to move around with confidence. The day we were scheduled to make our outing, Jill drafted in a team of Make-up Artists to help get us ready. First of all we were all required to use quantities of depilatory cream to remove our body, arm and leg hair. Then our eyebrows were tidied up - (not too much in my case as I had my explanation to Maureen to consider) - and a full evening make-up applied. I chose a long, curly, reddish-blonde wig that went well with the pink tones of my make-up. Top of the range silicon breast forms were glued to our chests and their edges skilfully concealed with make- up. I was tightly laced into a corset - the younger members of our party with their slim figures did not need such assistance - and sheer, barely-black tights rolled up my legs. By the time I slipped into my dress I was fully into the mood. It had been ages since I had had a chance to dress and only now realised just how much I had missed it. I pushed my feet into a pair of 4inch silver, peep-toe heels and fastened a chunky, white quartz necklace around my throat. Black beaded bracelets held the wrists of the shrug and my nails gleamed pinkly with their discrete extensions. As I looked at my reflection in the mirror I was overwhelmed by what the team had achieved; so much better than I had ever managed on my own. I thanked them all profusely as I was handed a silver clutch bag to complete my ensemble. When we assembled all the other "girls" looked equally stunning and even Adrian and Martin, unaccustomed as they were to feminine adornment, said how good they felt and how much they were looking forward to the evening and being able to research getting into role. In order to make our cover story stand up, we decided that we would operate as "couples". As the principle reason for our outing was to research the transgender scene so as to ensure that our film was as authentic as possible, it made sense for us to pair up in appropriate couplings. So, Stan became my "escort"; Jill and Gerald, as the design team, paired up; Seb partnered Adrian; and Guy went with Martin. This left Simon and Paul to make up the final couple. In my story "Flat Mates" I invented a transgender friendly club in Manchester's Gay Village called "The Purple Python". I envisaged it as a rather smart, sophisticated venue with a modern d?cor, subtle lighting, a sprung dance floor, and discrete, alcove seating. The "King's Head", which was where Simon took us, was nothing like that! It was a pub; a London boozer through and through. Patterned carpet, sticky with spilt drinks; iron-framed, mahogany tables; leatherette bar stools; and a small stage in one corner, in front of which a section of bare floorboards indicated the position of the "dance floor". Simon explained; "The King's Head has carved out a niche by providing a venue for various interest groups on different nights of the week. For example Mondays are "Punk"; Tuesdays, "Goth"; Wednesdays, "Lesbian"; and so on. Thursday nights are allocated to the Transgendered community, although quite a few gays and lesbians pitch up as well, not to mention "admirers"! Look out for your "girls" chaps; they are likely to be targeted by admirers on the prowl." I didn't like the sound of that and, to my slight embarrassment, found myself hugging Stan's arm tightly. He smiled at me, "Don't worry Caroline, I'll keep your virtue safe tonight!" Seb ordered a round of drinks and having toasted Simon as the "birthday girl", we split into our pairings the better to interact and talk with other people. Seb and "Katy" went off for a dance; Guy and "Gloria" got into conversation with the cross-dressed barmaid; whist the rest of us drifted to different parts of the bar. As befitted my advanced years, Stan and I took our drinks across to a table where a couple of trannies were already sitting. "Mind if we join you?" enquired Stan, "only it seems pretty busy tonight." "Oh it's usually like this on a Thursday" one of the "girls" responded. "The King's Head is the prime transvestite venue in North East London. Folk come from all over. Is this your first visit?" This was the opening we had been waiting for, so Stan and I sat down and introduced ourselves. "Yes it is the first time most of us have been here" Stan continued. It is Sally's birthday - (Simon's femme name was Sally) - and she suggested we should come here to celebrate. That's why we are all dressed up in our best party gear." The two "girls" - (who gave their names as Nathalie and Tanya) - told us they were regulars and came over from Dalston. We were soon all chatting away like old friends and, between us, Stan and I gleaned a lot about the London transgender scene. Fortunately the reality wasn't too far removed from what I had invented for "Flat Mates"; just a little less glamorous and rather more threatening out on the streets. "There are a few areas where it is safe for trannies to walk around openly" Tanya explained, "but, equally, there are other places, often only a few streets away, where you venture at your peril." We must have spent a couple of hours chatting with our new friends before Seb wandered over; "We were thinking of going on to grab a curry" he said; "Sally says she is getting hungry and needs some food to soak up all the drinks she has been bought for her birthday!" Stan and I said farewell to Nathalie and Tanya and promised, not really meaning it, to come back another Thursday. "And next time Caroline make sure you get this lovely hunk into a dress!" joked Nathalie, causing Stan to blush furiously as the rest of us broke out in laughter. Seb gathered the rest of our party together and we headed back to the One- Off Films offices. "Well I found that extremely useful" he said, once we were all seated in the conference room with fresh drinks. We each briefly outlined our individual impressions and what we had learned. "One decision we will need to take pretty soon is whether we set the film in the rather grubby milieu we have experienced tonight, or go for the more sophistication set up Caroline describes for Manchester" Jill suggested. "The decision will greatly affect the way Gerald and I approach the design brief." Seb thought for a bit. "I think we should set the film in Manchester as per Caroline's original story" he said, "but I think we should get Katy and Gloria exploring different venues so that we can contrast The Purple Python with somewhere grittier, like the King's Head." (I noted the ease with which everyone had started to address me as "Caroline" now that I was in a frock. Up till now I had always been "Clive" to the team! Not that I minded; it was refreshing to be able to bring my female persona out into the open. Maureen's objections had, over the years, stifled my opportunities to fully explore this side of my personality and it was a real relief to finally be able to do so.) It was with a feeling of sadness that I stripped off my borrowed finery in the dressing room; cleaned off my make-up; and reverted to boring old male drab. By now it was quite late and, as we all left for our beds, Seb suggested we take the next day to write up our research notes and share them with the rest of the team. Now I don't want to bore you all with a detailed exposition of the making of a film. Whilst, of course, there are exciting incidents, much of the time is spent sitting around waiting for the right moment to film. I'll just indicate a few of the things that were highlights for me. Our budget was too small to run to large sets and big effects. Guy and Seb decided, instead, to concentrate on the small, intimate details that mark Katy's road to womanhood. As we couldn't afford a large crew, much of the shooting was, perforce, handheld and shot on location. We were going to keep Manchester as the setting for the film but, in order to keep down costs; interiors were actually shot in buildings around our offices. The Purple Python nightclub was built inside an old warehouse and the student house shared by our two hero(ine)s was actually Gerald's own house - suitably "scruffed up" to look like a student pad. However, Seb was anxious to keep in the Sparkle sequences and obtained the permission of the organisers to shoot during the actual festival the following July. This sequence took some careful scripting. We needed not only to obtain footage to show the colour and variety of this major festival for the transgendered, but also to work in scripted passages relating to our characters. In all we spent two weeks on location in Manchester. It was very hard work as we had to shoot all the sequences that would establish Manchester as the location for the whole story. This meant we had to get footage of Kerris/Katy at every stage of his/her development from callow male undergrad to sophisticated lady engineering consultant. Poor Adrian faced a real acting challenge as scenes were invariable shot out of sequence. He was also in and out of the make-up chair with monotonous regularity as his appearance was adjusted to reflect the current stage of Katy's development. The Sparkle weekend came at the end of the fortnight and much careful planning went into organising a shooting script that maximised the amount of footage we could obtain. At the last minute Seb decided he wanted to shoot a scene of Katy in her new French Maid's uniform serving a group of transvestites seated at an outside table by the canal. Unfortunately on this particular day most of our cast were off shooting another sequence with our second cameraman, so Seb had no-one to play the roles of the trannies being served. No problem; he announced that Simon, Gerald and I would have to make out acting debuts in these roles! Simon and Gerald were up for it but I was more than a little nervous; this was getting way out of my comfort zone. However, Seb was adamant and in no time at all I found myself in make-up and costume being prepped for my big scene. We were supposed to be "ordinary" cross-dressers in Manchester for our annual visit to the Sparkle festival. As such we were not to be overly glamorous and the final result, in my case, was someone, clearly a man, who never the less managed to present himself as a reasonably attractive woman. I wore a very pretty coral-coloured blouse, with a fairly low-cut neckline edged with a ruffle that matched those at my wrists. My skirt was made of some silky material; grey and pleated, it swirled around my legs beautifully. Black hose, cream shoes, and some chunky jewellery completed the ensemble. I was provided with a mousey- coloured wig that wasn't too obviously false and my make-up was simple and suitable for daytime wear. Gerald was more obviously in drag. (S)he wore a very tight, brightly patterned mini-dress; with skyscraper platform heels and an enormous blonde wig piled high on her head. Her make-up was laid on very heavily and her jewellery was out and out "bling"; I don't think I can recall ever previously seeing such large hooped earrings! For her part, Simon was more conservatively dressed in a forest-green skirt-suit. The pencil skirt and waisted jacket showed off her corseted and padded figure to advantage. I had kept the dialogue for this scene simple and too the point. The three of us were discovered chatting at our table; Katy notices us; totters over the cobbles in her pretty French Maid's uniform; asks us what we would like and takes our order. Cut to interior shot - (actually filmed later in London!) - of her putting our order together. Resume with our being served. Katy chats briefly to us about our reason for coming to Sparkle. End of scene. Simple as it sounds, it still took several takes to get right. I was embarrassed, as the writer of the dialogue, to discover how difficult it is to deliver lines naturally. However, Seb eventually declared he was satisfied and took Adrian/Katy off for his/her next sequence. Gerald and Simon wandered off to get changed back into their regular clothes. For my part I decided that the opportunity of being dressed, in Manchester during the Sparkle Festival was one not to be missed, so I spent the rest of a very happy day wandering around the Festival site, exploring the various displays and exhibitions and getting into conversation with other trannies; it was a real revelation! I was aware, of course, being one myself, that cross- dressing was much more prevalent that many in our society would care to acknowledge. What I hadn't been prepared for was the enthusiasm, variety, and excitement shown by everyone that day in Manchester. I felt totally comfortable and at home among my "sisters". After several weeks filming, we eventually had everything Seb needed "in the can". He and Simon then locked themselves away in an edit suite and started assembling all the material into a coherent story line. This meant I was able to spend the next few weeks at home, which was just as well as Maureen was becoming very unhappy about my continued absence from home. She explained her feelings one evening over supper; "As you know I do not understand this need of yours to cross-dress" she started. When you first told me that you had secretly been writing and publishing stories behind my back, I was very angry with you. Then, when it became clear that your story was going to be filmed, I started, in some odd way, to really be rather proud of what you were achieving. However, this "pride" doesn't overcome my feeling of distaste at the thought of you prancing around in a dress and heels. Now you tell me that you are actually going to appear in the film. You do realise that all our friends will now realise that you are a weird transvestite? I won't be able to hold up my head around here after that." "I'm not sure you are right about that" I responded. "For a start, this isn't going to be a mainstream film, so it is highly unlikely that anyone we know will see it. Secondly, my appearance on screen is extremely short and I doubt anyone would recognise me anyway. Our friends will only find out if we choose to tell them." This slightly mollified Maureen and we agreed to leave things as they were until after the film came out on release. I am afraid that for you film fans that are waiting expectantly for the inside story of a "Leicester Square Premiere", you are going to be disappointed! Our little film never had an official premiere anywhere. It was released onto the market via a few art-house cinemas and, in spite of the best efforts of our Marketing Department, was not reviewed by any of the major newspapers. We did gather encouraging notices in the trade press and, of course, extensive coverage in tranny "lifestyle" magazines and websites. Guy hosted a party for us all to see the finished version before the film went out on general release, but Maureen chose not to accompany me. "I really don't want to meet your perverted friends" she announced with some forcefulness! The completed film was actually rather good, if I do say so myself. Seb had managed to make the story his own, whilst remaining faithful to the thrust and spirit of my original story. Adrian and Martin were first rate in the leading roles. For two straight young men who had never previously cross-dressed, they gave very clever and moving performances as my gay protagonists. The film went off on its rounds, even being shown late-night in a few of the smaller screens at multiplexes. I had resigned myself to that being the end of my involvement with the movie industry. I had received my small fee up-front and, as it didn't appear that the film would ever make a profit; my "percentage" was effectively worthless. I said farewell to all the friends I had made during filming and returned to my humdrum life with Maureen. The worst part was no longer being able to dress. Although before "Flat Mates" was filmed I had managed to suppress my desire to dress and had sublimated my passion into my writing, the last few months working within the transgendered community had opened my eyes to what I was missing. There had been several occasions when I had dressed and gone out in public as "Caroline" and having let her out of the closet, she showed no interest in being forced back in again! I tried to explain all this to Maureen but with only limited success; she kept repeating that she simply did not understand why I was so anxious to dress as a woman. Finally she relented slightly; "I don't ever want to see you dressed" she informed me, "but I can see that the stress is making you unwell. I will go so far as to say that if, occasionally, you want to spend a weekend with one of your new friends in London, I won't object." For Maureen this was a major concession and I thanked her warmly. Being tactful, I didn't immediately ring up Stan, Simon or Gerald and ask if I could come and stay. However, when I legitimately had to go to London on another piece of business, I did arrange to extend my trip by a few days. I stayed with Gerald and had a great time visiting clubs and shopping for my own outfits. I explained Maureen's concession to Gerald and he said he would be happy to put me up whenever the opportunity for me to come to London arose. He also suggested I start to build my own wardrobe, which he offered to store for me. This was a generous and very welcome suggestion which I eagerly accepted. Gerald knew lots of tranny-friendly stores and we had great fun putting together a basic wardrobe for me. I splashed out and invested in top- of-the-range prosthetics and foundation garments. Gerald introduced me to a friend of his who was a Make-Up artist, and he spent several hours teaching me how to disguise my masculine features and to emphasise my feminine ones. Over the next few months I managed to fit in three or four highly enjoyable visits to London. Now that I had an avenue of release for my cross-dressing needs, the atmosphere between Maureen and I gradually improved. She even consented to looking at a photograph of me dressed as part of a group at a night club. "I may not approve of what you are doing" she announced sadly, "but at least you seem to have a good social life, which is more than I am having!" This wasn't strictly true as, aside from when I was dressing in London, I spent all my time at home and we enjoyed a rich social life together, dining out with friends and going to the theatre or cinema. I took it that Maureen's sadness was really focussed on the fact that there was a part of my life from which she had deliberately excluded herself. I couldn't do anything about that unless she changed her mind; accepted my dressing needs; and joined me on some of my outings. Some, though by no means the majority, of the cross-dressers I had met in London were accompanied by their partners at our evenings out and I would love it if Maureen would consent to join me on one of my outings. Life was settling back into a bit of a pattern. So when, some eight or nine months after "Flat Mates" went out on general release, I received an email from Guy, it came as a bit of a surprise. Dear Caroline, Are you sitting down? I wouldn't want you falling over after reading this! "Flat Mates" has been nominated for an award at the South East Asian Festival of Alternative Film. Don't get too excited; we are not talking about Oscars here. Still this is quite a respected film festival and we have been nominated in the Best Foreign Film category. The festival in being held in Bangkok this year and I wondered whether you and Maureen would care to attend. If so, please reply by return and I will let the organisers know. (It is an "all expenses paid" trip!) Regards, Guy I was totally gobsmacked by this turn of events and hurried through to tell Maureen the news. "I'm very pleased and excited for you" she said, "but I am not sure I should come along. You know my feelings about cross-dressing and I'm not sure I could bear to sit through the film - particularly as everyone would be looking at us and I wouldn't want to let you down." "Oh please come" I pleaded. "It just wouldn't be the same without you and if all our travel costs are paid for, we could afford to have a holiday in Thailand afterwards. You have always said you would like to travel if only we had the money." This was a powerful argument and I could see Maureen was torn. In the end we compromised; she would come to Bangkok with me but would not attend the screening. She would join me for the actual awards evening when we would learn whether we had won or not. I emailed Guy accordingly and Maureen and I set about planning where in Thailand we would like to go after the festival. A couple of months later Maureen and I travelled to London and met up with the rest of our party at Heathrow. Everyone was charming to Maureen - (they knew she didn't approve of my dressing and went out of their way to be nice to her). The flight to Bangkok - (in Business Class) - was tedious but uneventful. The Festival Committee had booked us into the hotel where the awards ceremony would be held the following Sunday. I was expected to attend a number of receptions, screenings, and press conferences, so Guy arranged a car and driver for Maureen and his wife, who had also come along, and the two of them had a great time visiting the sights of Bangkok and, of course, shopping! At lunchtime on our second day Guy took me aside for a word. "Have you brought an evening dress with you?" he enquired, "Only I have been told that the organising committee are expecting at least some of us to be cross-dressed for the awards ceremony." "Of course I haven't brought a dress with me" I expostulated. "You know Maureen's view about such things!" "Well I think you, along with Adrian, Martin, and Gerald should get into frocks for the evening" said Guy firmly. "I'll square it with Maureen" ("You clearly don't know my wife" I mussed to myself!) Anyway, Guy would not take no for an answer and I, along with the other three "victims", was despatched to a local dressmakers to be measured and fitted for our new outfits. Quite how he did it I'm still not sure, but somehow or other Guy did convince Maureen that it was necessary for me to present as a woman at the awards ceremony. She wasn't happy with the idea but told me she recognised that it was necessary. The dress that the seamstress ran up for me was GORGEOUS! I fell in love with it at my first fitting. It was navy blue, with a sequinned top falling, at hip level, into a shimmering chiffon skirt. A sheer, matching, bolero jacket added the decorum necessary for a lady of my mature years! (Adrian and Martin, being younger, were put into much more revealing and stylish frocks!) Finally the evening for the awards arrived. I was whisked off to a salon for a complete make-over, whilst a stylist came to our hotel room to help Maureen get ready. (She had also been fitted for a new evening dress.) At the salon my stylist fitted me with a blonde wig and applied appropriate evening make-up. I wasn't allowed to look in the mirror until she had finished. When, eventually, I was permitted to see my reflection, I was blown away by what had been achieved. Smiling shyly back at me from the mirror was an attractive woman, somewhat younger looking than my actual calendar age. She was wearing a gorgeous blue gown, matching satin shoes with a small bow decorating the heel. Her hose was "barely-black, and her jewellery comprised a pearl chocker necklace, a simple pearl rope bracelet, and drop pearl earrings. I could hardly believe it was me! I was driven back to the hotel and made my way up to our room. I paused at the door; this was going to be a big shock for Maureen and I wasn't sure how she would react. Nervously I stepped inside. Maureen was seated at the vanity making final adjustments to her hair. She turned as she heard me come in and her mouth literally dropped. "But you look so feminine" she gasped, "I don't think I would have recognised you in the street." "Are you sure you can cope with this?" I enquired. "Only if it is going to be too much for you, I can go to the ceremony on my own." "No I'll manage" Maureen finally managed to blurt out. "I won't pretend I am happy about the way you look, but you don't look ridiculous - as I feared - and, for this night only, I am willing to accompany you." I hugged her - taking care not to muss either of our make-ups! One last look in the mirror to ensure that our appearance was as good as we could get it and we were ready. Hand in hand we took the lift to the ballroom floor where we met up with the rest of our party in the bar. I thought all four of us "girls" looked lovely. Guy ushered us through to our table. No-one felt much like eating as we were all nervous about our chances of winning a prize. Fortunately the meal was a Thai buffet, so we were able to pick at a number of small delicious dishes. Eventually the time came for the awards ceremony to start. Our hosts for the evening were a couple of stars from one of the Thai TV soaps whom I did not recognise. For the benefit of delegates from a wide range of countries, the ceremony was conducted in English. The first awards made were for various technical and craft functions, but eventually they came to the main part of the evening and announced the award for best adapted screenplay. Now I hadn't known we had even been nominated in this category, so imagine my amazement when "Flat Mates" was announced as the winner. In a daze I followed Stan onto the podium. He accepted the award and made some brief remark before pushing me towards the microphone; "Can I introduce Caroline" he started, "she not only collaborated with me on the screenplay, but also wrote the original story upon which our film is based." The applause started up all over again. I cannot remember what inanities I mumbled into the microphone but it must have been OK as the applause got even louder. I staggered back to our table clutching our award. Maureen rose and took me in her arms. "I may not approve of your dressing" she whispered in my ear, "but that doesn't stop me being ever so proud of my clever husband!" I breathed my thanks back in her ear and we sat down. The ceremony continued and, at last, we came to the category of Best Foreign Film; the gold envelope was opened and the winning card extracted. The MC read out the name of the winner - yes, it was "Flat Mates"!!!! Our table erupted in cheers as Guy led us all up onto the podium. He accepted the award and said a few words. Seb followed him before Adrian stepped forward. (S)he looked adorable in a short, tight, floral-patterned frock with a single ruffled shoulder strap sweeping across her bosom. "I want to pay tribute to two people tonight" he said, "firstly Seb for being such a brilliant director; he encouraged me to deliver a performance I never knew I had inside me. But most importantly I want to thank Caroline. The role of "Katy" is one I could never have envisioned playing. Before making this film I had never previously worn a dress; look at me now!" He ran his hand down his side emphasising the feminine nature of his attire. "However from the moment I first read Caroline's story "Flat Mates" I knew I had to play the role of Katy. I'll admit it was a real challenge, but I wouldn't have missed it for anything. Thank you Caroline." And he learned over and air-kissed me in a perfectly natural feminine fashion. I waved acknowledgement of the applause and we return to our seats where I was able to thank Adrian properly for his very generous words. The evening continued through all the remaining awards, but we won nothing more. "Nothing more"; two awards was more that we could have dreamed of when we set off to make our little film! When all the presentations had finally been made and we had accepted all the congratulations from other folk in the industry, Guy asked us what we all wanted to do. "I for one am too excited to go to bed yet" he announced. "Is anyone up for a night club?" His wife said she had had enough and just wanted to collapse in bed. Maureen said she felt the same, so I said I would accompany her. "No dear" she responded with a smile. "This is your night; go and enjoy it." So the party split with the "real" women retiring to their rooms, whilst the rest of us headed off onto the town. "I've heard of a really good club called the "Bangkok Blue Kangaroo" announced Guy, and, as none of us could come up with a better suggestion, we all piled into taxis and headed off there. The Club was a very glitzy affair; all neon lights; glitter-balls; and red and white leather. I learned that it was run by an Australian company and, whilst not exclusive, was very much favoured by the transgendered community. There were certainly lots of very pretty "girls" there that night! Evidently news of our success at the film awards had already reached the Club as we were greeted by an announcement from the DJ and a thunderous round of applause as we were shown to a table in a prominent position. Three bottles of champagne - "courtesy of the house" - swiftly appeared on our table, followed shortly thereafter by one of the club's directors. She was a handsome woman of about my age; exquisitely dressed in a silver, figure-hugging gown. Like me, she too was a blonde. Her jewellery was clearly the real thing - diamonds in a modern platinum setting. She asked if she could join us and introduced herself as Emma Ash. Emma told us that the Bangkok Blue Kangaroo was one of a chain of transgender-friendly clubs across South-East Asia and that she was a Director of the parent Australian company, which was based in Sydney. "It is a bit different from the old "Kings Head" back in Hackney, Adrian joked. "Oh are you from London?" Emma enquired "it seems ages since I was last in the UK." She then went on to tell us that although she was British by birth, she had spent most of her working life travelling the world as a trouble-shooter to the mining industry before pitching up in Sydney where she started on a whole new career path developing and building night-clubs. "But surely you must have been a rarity in the mining industry" I expostulated. "I would have thought that there were few women in your line of business. Emma laughed; "There are more women mining engineers than you might imagine" she responded "but back then I wasn't "Emma", I was still working as a man and my name was Maurice. Things have changed a lot since then!" So Emma was transgendered; I could hardly believe it; she appeared so realistically feminine and came over as a strong, confident, modern woman. She could see that we were surprised and proceeded to tell us something of her history. (Author's Note: To learn more about Emma and how (s)he came to be running a transgendered nightclub in Bangkok, please refer to my short story series "The Best of Both Worlds".) It so happened that I was sitting next to Emma at our table and we were soon deep in conversation. It didn't take long for Adrian and Martin to be swept off onto the dance-floor by those - both men and women - who wanted their moment of glory in the arms of a film star! Gerald was flirting outrageously with a couple of elderly gentlemen at the next table, so Emma and I found ourselves suddenly alone. We were both of a similar age and I guess that helped establish a rapport. I was fascinated by what she had to tell me about the transgendered scene in Thailand. "Cross-dressers and transsexuals are openly accepted here in Thailand" she said. "Of course that does have its downside - I'm sure you will have read stories in the press about sex-tourism; but overall it is a friendly, relaxed scene. I have many friends amongst the ladyboy community and their cabaret shows can be fabulous. In fact ours is about so start, so you can see for yourself." I poured us each another glass of wine and we sat back to enjoy the show. It really was very good. Sexy "female" singers mimed to backing tracks, whilst gorgeously costumed dancers performed routines around them. I constantly had to remind myself that under their skimpy costumes the performers were concealing male equipment similar to mine! (And, I had to remind myself, I too was dressed to the nines in a fabulous evening gown and heels!) The star performer was a very pretty girl - (I just couldn't think of her as a man) - called Mai-Li and, when the show was over, she came across to our table where she was warmly embraced by Emma. "It's great to see you again Emma" she pouted "you haven't visited Bangkok in ages." (Emma had previously told me that, whilst most of her time was spent in Sydney, part of her job was to regularly visit their various clubs to see that they maintained standards and kept up to the mark. She had only that day arrived in Bangkok.) "Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?" Mai-Li continued. With a smile made the necessary introductions and Mai-Li sat down and graciously accepted a glass of champagne. "Mai-Li was my neighbour when I first moved to Sydney" Emma explained and she, and another Thai friend Nancy, were responsible for introducing me to the world of femininity; they have a lot to answer for!" The night developed into a really good party. Mai-Li texted her friend Nancy - (who had undergone full SRS and now ran an exclusive brothel just round the corner from the Blue Kangaroo); needless to say, it wasn't many minutes before Nancy pitched up and joined the party. She was all for us going on to see her establishment but that was a step too far for most of us - (although I could see Gerald was disappointed and I overheard him making arrangement s to visit the following night!) Eventually the combination of adrenalin and champagne started to take its toll of my stamina and, reluctantly, I said good night to my new friends - having swapped email addresses with Emma - and took a taxi back to our hotel. It must have been about 4am and Maureen was fast asleep as I entered our bedroom. However, I must have disturbed her as she woke up and smiled blearily up at me. "Did you have a good time dear?" she enquired; "You have certainly made a night of it, but I guess it isn't everyday that you win an Asian Oscar!" Whilst I changed out of my glad-rags and cleaned the make-up off my face, Maureen kept up a constant barrage of questions; she wanted to know everything about my visit to the night-club. I did my best to satisfy her curiosity before slipping into bed - (in my male pyjamas) - and cuddling up to her. We drifted off to sleep and didn't wake again until the phone rand at 10am. It was Guy; although it was 10am in Bangkok, it was only 3am back in the UK and he had just received a phone call asking whether we could be ready to be interviewed for Breakfast Television. This gave us about 3 hours to get ourselves prepared. I hastily showered and dressed - resolutely male mode - and met up with Guy and Seb in the hotel restaurant for a much needed jug of black coffee. Marin and Adrian had only just got back to the hotel and Gerald could not be traced! A couple of stylists from the local television company had been despatched to get the two boys back into some semblance of their feminine glory as the BBC had been adamant that they wanted them "in role". Fortunately it would be OK for me to appear as "Clive" rather than "Caroline". We rehearsed a few likely questions and before long "Katy" and "Gloria" joined us. The time passed very quickly and before long we were being ushered into taxis and driven to the local TV station. The interview, for "Breakfast", went well. Most of the questions were directed at Adrian, Martin and Seb, but I was asked a couple and, I think, acquitted myself OK. There were various other phone interviews with English newspaper journalists during the course of the afternoon and evening. Apparently our success at the Awards had caused something of a stir back home! The following day Maureen and I said our farewells to the rest of the group and set off on our holiday. Maureen had been a brick during our time in Bangkok. She was still very upset about my dressing, but had gritted her teeth and supported me fully during the whole awards process. It was now my turn to pay her back. I therefore packed all my feminine finery, together with Maureen's new evening dress, in a separate suitcase and left it in the care of the hotel for us to collect before flying home. For the rest of our trip I was determined to remain resolutely male; Maureen deserved no less. We started our holiday by flying up to Chiang Mai to see the temples and enjoy the beautiful mountain scenery. After a few days there, during which the residual tension between Maureen and I dissipated, we returned south to Phuket to enjoy some time on the beach. The hotel we had chosen turned out to be fabulous and we had a great time relaxing in the sun, enjoying lovely food, and excellent service. Most evenings, after dinner, we would walk along the beach, but on one occasion we decided, for a change, to go into town. What I hadn't realised was that Phuket has a large population of "Katoeys" or "ladyboys". Maureen's eyes popped out as if on stalks. I assured her that I hadn't intended to expose her to any more cross-dressing this trip and that I had been unaware of what we were discovering. I swiftly took Maureen back to our hotel but I could sense she was disturbed. That night, once we were in bed, Maureen asked me; "Those ladyboys; is that what you want for yourself; to be pretty and ultra-feminine? Do you want surgery to give you breasts and ......other women's parts?" (She could bring herself to ask if I was planning to have my cock and balls cut off and replaced