Storyteller
- 2 years ago
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My Story free porn video
1980 I was six years old and in primary 2 at school. I remember having an
old dress of my sisters that was in the dress up box. I wore it any chance
I got, and even then, I knew that I was a girl and I also knew this was
somehow wrong. This was reinforced when the dress was suddenly
unavailable.
I secretly borrowed clothes from my sister for the next 14-16 years, these
were worn as often as possible, often under my regular boy clothes. I knew
I should not feel bad about my desire to be a girl, this wasn't a choice
or something I had asked for, it was just the way I was. I challenged my
mum with this info, as in, it can't just be me - I was somehow aware that
this sort of thing might be genetic!
At around age 15, I had developed a routine of going out at night for a
walk, as a girl, not in drag. I was spotted and reported to the police by
the milkman's delivery boys - they had seen me climbing through the window
of my parents home (the quietest way of getting in and out). The police
were called and my parents made their excuses.
The situation was brought to a head.
I was sent to a child therapist who through a series of 4 or 5 sessions
and one family session determined that I was jealous of my sister - she
was the eldest and never had to make do with hand me downs. Of course I
was jealous of her. Except I wasn't. I was transgendered and the
opportunity for this fact to be open and discussed passed me by quicker
than you could say malpractice. My mother, bless her open mindedness gave
me the opportunity to buy my own clothes of my choosing to wear what I
wanted when I wanted and as any typical teenager would, I instead chose to
try and conform, to avoid being anything other than normal.
I have regretted this decision ever since and to my shame; at times have
blamed my mum for not forcing the issue.
Coward.
Fast forward and my mental state and inability to deal with my condition
have caused me to be unreasonable and confrontational. At approximately
age21 my relationship with my parents, especially my father have
deteriorated beyond immediate conciliation. In secret, I negotiated a
mortgage and bought a house, moving out of their home whilst they were on
holiday. It took a long time to rebuild a good relationship with the two
of them.
Having moved into my own home, the temptation should have been to be
whatever and whoever I pleased, the reality though was that societal
constraints and the need to be accepted by my workmates ( my only peer
group as I had no one I could call a friend) meant that I felt an
overriding need to conform.
I not only continued to hide the real me, I started to date a female
friend of a male colleague. She was the first person I ever developed a
sexual relationship with and it did not happen easily - we had many many
false starts before we successfully engaged in coitus (thanks big bang
theory). She was my first and remains my only.
We progressed through life together, she moved in and we married, moved to
another house and had a child. Life continued until about 2010 when I
realised that I was again harbouring resentment and it was unfairly
directed towards my son, then 5 and my wife. I felt he prevented me from
being the person I needed to be, but the reality was , and is that I was /
am the only person who should bear that reality, that guilt.
I attended through my work, a shrink of sorts under the guise of anger
management - I am always unhappy and grumpy / unreasonable, and quickly
opened up to her (the psychiatrist) about being transgendered. She
encouraged me to seek out support groups which I did, as well as opening
up to my wife, who to her credit, did and has not disowned me!
I attended the monthly support group for a while before circumstance
forced me to stop. ( I really regret not continuing with these groups - it
was ultimately the only support I had and I allowed my worries about how
"normal people at work" would perceive me, to be enough of a deterrent
that I stopped attending.
I continued to dress conservatively as I pleased whilst at home with no
pushback from my wife until 2013 when I somewhat stupidly obtained
estradiol via the internet and took a dose every day for almost two years.
This has given me breasts which I love, but which are too small and pointy
( due to the fact I did not have testosterone blockers) and the conviction
to approach my GP which I never could have imagined doing before.
He has told me he will refer me to a clinic / psychologist and I now await
the next chapter of my life.
It was no small matter to do this, and he was somewhat judgemental, making
me jump to the defensive at one point, but I have made the first step and
that is what needed to be done.
I hope that the rest of this story goes easier and allows me to be more
courageous than I ever have been before, because I cannot continue to live
a lie, 41 years old this year, it is too much to bear.
Libbie
- 01.03.2021
- 9
- 0
