"Laura..." Mum sighs as I head toward the front door.
"What?" I ask with mock-innocence, before sighing as mum simply stares
at me.
"You know what..." Mum says, and I can't help but roll my eyes as I tug
down the hem of my short, straight grey skirt. "ALL the way."
"Oh- come on," I moan. "What am I, a nun?"
"No," mum replies. "You're a fourteen year old girl."
"Exactly," I plead, before rolling my eyes again and tugging my skirt
down to its 'proper' length, the hem coming to a couple of inches above
my knees, which- like the rest of my legs- are covered in thick black
tights. "I bet Nicole's skirt won't be this long..."
"What Nicole does is her problem," mum says. "Your skirt can at least
cover SOME of your legs."
"...Yes, mum," I say, trying not to sigh either of my words.
"And besides," mum says as the two of us get into her boyfriend's car,
"you've got an example to set!" I smile as I sit down next to Lily-
mum's new boyfriend's daughter- who, as always, greets me with an
enthusiastic wave.
"Morning, Laura!" Sean- mum's boyfriend- says with a warm grin. "First
day of your GCSEs today, hope you're not too anxious?"
"As if I don't have enough in my life to be anxious about," I snort.
"But yeah, I'll be fine, they're all subjects I enjoy and I know I can
do, I should be fine."
"Heh, I remember how anxious you were three years ago, when you started
secondary school," mum laughs. "Things have REALLY changed since then..."
Have they ever, I think to myself- and most of the changes have come
over the course of the last ten months, ever since Dr Williamson gave
me my first dose of oestrogen.
Before I took that first hormone pill, I was, mentally and physically,
a little girl, but now, I am very much a young woman. As promised, I
had my growth spurt, so I now stand 5' 6" tall- taller even than my
mother. All of my clothes come from the 'women's section of shops or
catalogues, as opposed to the 'girl's section (and, gratifyingly, all
my clothes have either an '8' or a '10' on the label). My training bras
have been replaced by actual bras to support my (currently) A-cup
breasts, and my golden blonde hair now reaches down to the middle of my
back. It's not just in a physical sense that I've changed, either- it's
hard to explain, but deep inside, I feel like a completely different
person- a better person. Of course, I'm still obsessed with dancing and
acting- and, of course, boys- but I feel more grown up, more at ease
with who I am, and more importantly, who I want to be.
My friends have all seen similar changes, of course. Megan in
particular has changed a lot- she's changed from a short, chubby pre-
teen girl into a curvy 5' 8" beauty queen. Priya and Nicole both look
very grown up when compared to the little girls I met three years ago,
and Harriet and Suriya, whilst still looking very youthful, are both
gradually growing into mature young women. The biggest change, however,
has been to Ashley- and not in a good way.
I'd hoped that when I started year 10, I'd go into school to see Ashley
(who's starting year 9) stood there wearing the same grey tights and
pleated skirt I'd worn over the past three years- though circumstances
conspired to keep her away from the life she wanted to lead... And I'm
partially to blame for that. The details are complicated, but thanks to
my loose tongue- and my arsehole ex-boyfriend- Ashley was outed before
she was ready, which resulted in her father rejection her coming out
and Ashley falling into a deep depression, which she emerged from
months later with a deep voice, broad shoulders and all the masculine
characteristics I'd been fortunate to avoid. To help keep up the
pretense, I agreed to be her- or rather, at the time, his- girlfriend,
though even this didn't last long, leaving poor Ashley in a state of
limbo until she can get booked in with a counsellor who can properly
diagnose her with gender dysphoria and prevent her from turning into
the man she doesn't want to be.
That's not to say I haven't had karma 'punish' me for what I did to
Ashley- the months when I pretended to be her girlfriend have been only
the only time over the past few years when I was in any kind of
relationship. Priya, Suriya, Megan and Nicole all have boyfriends
(though thankfully, the latter's boyfriend ISN'T the arsehole who
unceremoniously dumped me just before my birthday, hence why we're
friends again), whilst Harriet came out as gay earlier in the year, and
whilst she's still single, it doesn't help my angst- especially as it's
plainly obvious why no boy will go near me, despite the fact that I'm
virtually indistinguishable from any other girl- well, while clothed
anyway.
Actually, even in my underwear or any other skin-tight clothing I'm
just like any other girl, I've become so good at 'tucking' (and helped
by the fact I have very little to 'tuck'). Over the past year I've
attended ballet twice a week and gymnastics club twice a week, and
nothing's 'shown' through any of my leotards. I've danced on stage in
dance recitals wearing both utterly gorgeous tutus and more modern
costumes, such as skin-tight catsuits, and I've even competed in inter-
school gymnastics competitions and won medals, and in none of the
photos or videos of these events is it even remotely possible to tell
that I was ever anything other than 100% female. The only bulges that
show through my clothing are on my chest- but even this isn't good
enough for some people. I'll forever be the transsexual, the 'ladyboy'-
and with just a year and two months until the date on which I can
legally have sex, that's never more apparent.
It wouldn't be so bad if my 'unwanted bulge' was the only part of my
body I was unsatisfied with, but over the past ten months, I've found
myself constantly struggling to keep my weight at the level I want it
to be. As I've grown taller, I've also, obviously, grown outward as
well- and whilst I'm still skinny (as those '8's in my clothing prove),
every additional inch to my waist brought with it an anxiety I'd hoped
I'd put long behind me- and the nearly uncontrollable urge to 'purge'
my body. Fortunately, Dr Williamson was always on hand to keep my meals
down in my stomach, where they belong- though the threat of withdrawing
my oestrogen pills was just as effective as any of her other coping
strategies.
What also helped was that, in addition to Ashley, I've gained another
sort-of 'little sister'. Earlier in the year, mum began seeing a guy
called Sean, and whilst at first it only added to my stress- mum having
a boyfriend when I don't- I began to grow fond of Sean, especially when
he introduced me to his nine year old daughter Lily, who instantly
looked up to me as the big sister she never had. My grandmother was
wary of Sean at first, as she's very aware of the old stereotype
concerning 'evil stepparents', but Sean's a really nice guy, accepts me
fully for who I am and who I want to be (and is very open about me with
Lily too, which is refreshing) and actively encourages Lily to see me
as a role model. Ricky, however, still isn't convinced by Sean, even
though he's only met the guy twice- and even worse, Lily seems
legitimately scared of my brother.
Ricky's still living in Yorkshire with the Army, obviously, though he
comes home on leave whenever he can (he came home for his birthday in
June, and will also be back for my birthday in November). Neither he
nor I have seen our 'father' since the last time Ricky went with my
photo album, and neither of us want to, either- Sean's already more of
a father to me than Robert ever was. Both my grandmother still live
relatively nearby, and I see both of them whenever I can (they both
make a point of attending all of my plays and dance recitals). I've not
met Sean's mother yet, though he assures me that she'll be accepting of
a transgendered granddaughter- and the prospect of the support of a
third grandmother seems almost too good to be true.
In the meantime, though, I have the final two years of school to get
through first, which begins, as always, with several wide grins and a
group hug when I meet the other six girls (I consider Ashley to be one
of the girls, despite her 'legal' status) at the school gates.
"Hey girlies!" I squeak as I stealthily hike my skirt back up to the
height that got me in trouble with my mother.
"You got told off too?" Megan asks, whose skirt has also been lifted to
show off more of her enviable legs.
"Whatever," I say. "They can't tell us off while we're at school, can
they?"
"I can tell you off for how jealous you're making me," Ashley says with
a chuckle, earning her another group hug.
"It'll only be another few weeks," I reassure the outwardly-male
teenager. "You've got the uniform already..."
"Yeah," Suriya giggles as she does a twirl in her own straight skirt.
"Doesn't seem fair that all six of us get to wear new uniforms today
but you don't..."
"All six?" I ask. "Umm, Priya, aren't you wearing the same uniform you
wore last year?"
"With one important difference!" Suriya giggles as she points to a
badge on Priya's blazer that has the word 'PREFECT' printed on it in
big, bold letters. "Say hello to the school's newest Priyafect!"
"You are not calling me 'Priyafect'!" Priya protests, before sighing
loudly. "Fine, then. And as prefect, it's my job to tell you all to get
to your forms!"
"Yes, ma'am!" Suriya giggles as we all head to our respective form
groups. As always, in our form group, Harriet, Nicole, Suriya and I all
sit together, though as we look around at the other faces in the class,
one stands out as being unfamiliar.
"Hey," Nicole whispers, "I think we've got a new girl in class!"
"Oh, how cool!" I giggle, trying not to stare at the strawberry blonde
girl who's sat by herself.
"We should invite her into the group," Suriya says.
"Yeah," Harriet concurs. "You can never have too many friends..." Our
conversation is cut short when our form tutor begins the session, and
as we might have predicted, his attention immediately turns to the new
girl in the class.
"Good morning everyone," Mr. Sheldon says. "I hope you all enjoyed your
holidays. I'm sure you've noticed that we have a new face in our form
group today. Samantha, would you like to introduce yourself?"
"Umm, hi," the new girl says with obvious and understandable nerves.
"I'm Samantha, Samantha Reid, I'm originally from Southend, but my
parents just moved here for work... Um, hi everyone, I guess!" The class
giggles good-naturedly as Samantha sits down- she's clearly shy and
nervous, which is something I can relate to all too well.
"I trust you'll all make Samantha very welcome here," Mr. Sheldon says.
"In the meantime, your timetables for this year have been published, so
please spend the rest of the time familiarising yourselves with them
before heading to your first lesson." The four of us at our table do
just this, before heading to our first lesson of the day, which is
Maths. After Maths is Spanish, which Nicole, Suriya and I are all
taking- and much to our delight, so is Samantha.
"She's sitting on her own again," I whisper as I watch Samantha take
her seat.
"Not for long," Suriya says smugly, before whispering toward the new
girl. "Hey! Hey, Samantha!" The new girl's eyes go wide with surprise
as we address her, before nervously approaching our table.
"Umm, hi," Samantha says cautiously.
"Would you like to sit with us?" I ask, grinning happily as Samantha
grabs her bags and parks herself next to Nicole. "I'm Laura, by the
way, Laura White."
"I'm Sam," Samantha says.
"Nicole Wyatt," Nicole introduces herself.
"Suriya Malik, but you can call me Suri!" Suriya giggles excitedly.
"Okay... Suri!" Sam giggles. "I've got to tell you, I was REALLY nervous
about today, starting a new school..."
"Ugh, been there, done that!" I giggle.
"Oh- were you a transfer too?" Sam asks.
"Well..." I say with a sly grin. "Kinda yes, kinda not, hehe!" I try not
to giggle at the confusion in Sam's face- she must surely know, or at
the very least, her parents have to know that there's a transgendered
child in the school, and if she hasn't figured out it's me, then
clearly something's working!
After the lesson, the four of us head to our usual table for break,
though with nine of us- the 'magnificent seven', Ashley's best friend
and Megan's boyfriend George and now Sam- it's a bit of a squeeze!
"Harriet, Megan, Priyafect, boys," Suri says (whilst flashing a wink at
Ashley when she says 'boys'), "meet Sam!"
"Hi everyone!" Sam nervously says. "Thanks for making me feel so
welcome... So, um, are you two sisters?"
"'Fraid so," Priya says, earning a playful elbow from Suriya. "You got
any brothers or sisters, Sam?"
"Two older brothers," Sam says. "One's in the Army, the other one
actually started year 11 today."
"Oh cool," Priya says with a grin. "He might be in some of my classes
then, what's his name?"
"Ryan," Sam answers. "He's big into rugby so he's hoping to be on the
school team."
"Cool," Nicole giggles. "You into any sports, Sam?"
"Ehh... Not really," Sam replies. "Did athletics at school. I'm really
more into dancing than sport..." As one, the girls at the table (well,
the six of us who are allowed to be girls, anyway) all giggle and stand
up, pulling a dramatic pose that shocks our new friend.
"What the f-" Sam giggles.
"You're sat at a table full of dancers!" Nicole laughs. "Even the
boys."
"Really?" Sam asks. "So cool... I do Latin, ballet and tap, you?"
"Six ballerinas at this table!" Suriya giggles. "Laura, Nicole and I
are starting Latin later this month. And, of course, we're trying out
for the school's world-famous cheerleading squad on Wednesday..."
"Oh, SO cool," Sam sighs. "Guess I'm trying out too!" The nine of us
spend what little remains of our break talking about dancing and
cheerleading, before heading to our third lesson of the day with wide
smiles on our faces.
"Sam is SO cool," I gush as I head to chemistry class with Suriya and
Harriet. "You know, Nikki Thomas met her fianc?e after she transferred
schools at the start of year 10..."
"Umm... I thought you weren't into girls?" Harriet asks.
"Oh, I'm not," I say. "I was just thinking for Ashley, you know, turn
the 'magnificent seven' into the 'excellent eight' or something."
"Huh, okay," Harriet shrugs. "Well if Ashley doesn't want her, and
she's into ginger girls, I'll happily go out with her!" The four of us
giggle as we head into our classroom, before making a beeline for our
table the second the bell rings to signify the start of our lunchtime.
However, when we get there, our 'guest of honour' is conspicuous by her
absence.
"Where's Sam?" Suriya asks as she sits down.
"Not seen her," Megan shrugs.
"Her brother was in my last class," Priya says. "I think I saw her meet
him at the start of lunch."
"Huh," I say. "Well, that's fair enough, I guess..."
"Now if you'll excuse me," Priya continues as she stands up, "duty
calls!"
"Priyafect!" Suriya teases as her sister leaves the table. Moments
later, our new friend approaches our table with a tall blond boy-
presumably her brother- in tow.
"Hey Sam!" The seven of us still at the table cheer.
"Hey everyone," Sam says with an unusually smug grin. "So, which one of
you is the ladyboy?"
"Wh-what?" Suriya asks, shocked by Sam's use of the insulting term.
"If you mean 'which one of us is transgendered'," I reply, trying to
keep a lid on my anger, "then the answer is me. Not that it should
matter. Because it DOESN'T."
"Sure," Sam snorts. "You keep believing that, LADYBOY!"
"Oh- just piss off!" I snort, turning my back to the blonde girl, who
simply laughs at me.
"With pleasure," Sam sneers. "Look at you all, making out you're the
cool kids, when in fact all you are is a ladyboy, a dyke, an ogre, a
spastic and two pakis!"
"Better that than some small-brained Britain First moron!" Suriya
yells, Sam's final comment having clearly cut deep. "And for your
information my sister and I were born in England, we're just as British
as you!" Sam merely laughs at Suriya's defiance, before walking away
with her brother.
"Fuck her anyway!" Nicole growls.
"God," George sighs. "How- how can someone go from being cool to being,
you know, THAT over the course of a lesson?"
"It's easy if she's got someone whispering in her ear," Harriet mumbles
as memories of the time she addressed our table in the same manner as
Sam come flooding back to me- and undoubtedly come flooding back to her
as well.
"Her brother, maybe?" Suriya asks. "She didn't have a problem with the
colour of my skin when she sat with us in form..."
"One thing's for sure, though," Nicole says. "We should steer well
clear of her."
"And DEFINITELY don't let on to her about Ashley," I whisper, giving
the 13 year old's hand a supportive squeeze.
"God," Megan sighs. "You'd have thought we'd be beyond this by now..."
"Bigotry and prejudice?" Suriya snorts. "'Fraid not. Dad's told us
plenty of horror stories about when he first moved to the UK. As long
as there are people who think they're better than everyone else, then
they'll also think that anyone who isn't like them is worse than
everyone else."
"Well WE know that they're not, right?" Nicole asks.
"Right!" I cheer along with everyone else, though deep down I'm
disappointed- I'd genuinely hoped that Sam would be a new friend, but
as I've learned often over these last three years, some people just
aren't able to look past their prejudices. What I've also learned,
though, is that these people aren't worth a single second of my time,
and sometimes- as proved by the ginger-haired girl sitting opposite me-
they can end up becoming one of your best friends anyway.
That doesn't mean that every unkind word I hear doesn't cut deep,
though. But I have enough positives in my life that I can afford to
drown out the negatives.
"Afternoon, growing young woman!" Mum laughs as I climb onto the
passenger seat of her car and fasten my seatbelt. "Good first day? Not
too stressed out about exams, I hope..."
"It was okay," I say. "There's a new girl in our class... She already
hates me."
"Well you-" mum says, before I cut her off.
"Yes, yes, I know," I sigh. "I just ignore her, don't let her get to
me... God knows I've had enough practice there over the last three
years."
"I was going to say," mum says, clearly offended by my interruption,
"you need to show her exactly what she's missing by being an enemy
instead of a friend. I assume your real friends all stuck up for you,
right?"
"Of course," I say.
"Well then this new girl has seven enemies instead of one," mum says.
"I don't care how tough she thinks she is, every bully backs down from
odds of 7-1."
"Her older brother's in year 11," I say. "She's got him for backup."
"What's he going to do?" Mum snorts. "In my day if any boy laid a
finger on any girl he was kicked out faster than you can say 'wimp'.
Doubt it's any different now. And before you bring up Ashley, he-
sorry, SHE will get her gender dysphoria diagnosis soon. That skirt
you're wearing can sometimes be a shield, you know."
"You're right," I say.
"And there you were, thinking that parents are only there to embarrass
you," mum says, making me roll my eyes.
"Well, not 'only'," I reply.
"And on that note," mum says, "by the time we get home, your skirt had
better have been lowered to its proper height!" I sigh, but let out a
small giggle as I wiggle about in my seat, returning the hem of my
skirt to where it was at the start of the school day.
After an evening of homework, TV and chatting on Facebook with my
friends- with Sam obviously being the main topic of conversation- I
change into my soft cotton nightdress and climb into bed, trying as
hard as I can to put my new tormentor out of my head. I fall asleep
focussing on the words of my mum- that my real friends will always
stand by me- and Harriet's parting message on Facebook.
'One day,' Harriet typed before going offline, 'she'll look back on
what she said and she'll be so guilty she'll literally cry. Take it
from someone who knows.'
As usual, when my alarm rings on my phone, I get up, shower, take my
hormone tablets and get dressed, pulling on a thong underneath my black
tights as it's ballet tonight. I can help but fidget, though, as we
head to school- the last time I was this nervous about going to school
was before my first ever day, and back then it was because of the
uncertainty of what would be waiting for me. Today, I'm nervous
precisely I AM certain of what's waiting for me...
"Hey, fellow black-legged girlie!" Suriya giggles as she greets me at
the front gate, giggling as I (of course) hike my skirt just a tiny bit
higher than it was when I was in mum's car.
"Hey girlies!" I squeak. "No sign of 'she who must not be named'?"
"Don't waste ANY energy today thinking about that bitch," Suriya
sneers. "If she wants to be a bigot, that's her problem."
"Kinda harsh, don't you think?" Priya asks as we head toward form. "I
mean, people can change..."
"And you don't know if anyone's making her say the things she said,"
Harriet whispers.
"No one's making her," Suriya spits. "Think about it- friendly at
break, evil at lunch. Are we meant to believe her dad came into school
during the third period and threatened her without anyone noticing? Sam
isn't you, Harriet. She's doing this because she's an evil bitch.
Simple as."
"No one's so bad they can't be redeemed," I say, though as I turn the
corner, I see a sight that immediately changes my mind.
There, in the middle of the corridor, is Sam- and in the front of her
school skirt is a very noticeable bulge. Surrounding her is a bunch of
giggling girls who I'd previously considered to be cool- not friends as
such, but not enemies either. All of them, however, are clearly having
a good laugh at my expense.
"Oh, hi, Laura!" Sam coos in a voice typically reserved for speaking to
little children- even though I'm both slightly taller and slightly
older than the girl.
"Oh, bye, Sam!" I retort, turning my back on my wannabe nemesis.
"What's the matter?" Sam asks. "I thought that if I had a huge bulge in
my pants, it'd help me get to know you a little better?"
"Yeah, well she may have a penis now," Harriet retorts before I have
the chance to speak, "but at least she won't be a cunt her whole life!"
I bite my lip to keep myself from giggling too loud at the 'ooh's
Harriet's insult gets from both our group and Sam's.
"You can talk, you fucking dyke," Sam sneers to more 'ooh's.
"Yes I can," Harriet says smugly, "because, as a lesbian, allow me to
say I wouldn't even LOOK at you, even if you were the last girl on
Earth!"
"Whatever," Sam sneers, removing the bulge (a thick pair of socks) from
her tights and heading to form- which, sadly, is where I'm also headed,
though I get a sense of satisfaction when I arrive at form and see her
sat by herself, while I'm sat with Harriet, Nicole and Suriya as usual.
Fortunately, our first two lessons of the day go smoothly- Sam
obviously knows better than to try to disrupt a class- but when the
bell rings to signal the start of our first break, we're greeted an
unwelcome- but not entirely unexpected- surprise when we head out to
our table.
"Oh, hi Laura!" Sam once again says in her babyish voice. "Sorry, this
table is GIRLS ONLY!"
"Looks more like the table is bitches only," I immediately retort,
smirking as Sam's patronising smile immediately turns into a frown.
"Come on, girlies!" I keep the smile on my face as I walk away from our
hangout of the last few years, though when we reach our new spot, a set
of benches far away from Sam and her cronies, a tear starts to trickle
from my eye.
"Oh- god, Laura..." Suriya sighs, giving me a tight hug.
"What the fuck is her problem?" I moan. "What did I do to her?"
"Some people will always be scum," Harriet sneers.
"...I liked that spot," I sniffle as I try to compose myself.
"We all did," Megan sighs. "Guess we'll just have to make this our spot
for the new two years!"
"And if we get forced out of here too?" I ask.
"Then I'll just hair to tear every hair out of her stupid blonde head!"
Harriet says defiantly. I force the smile back on my face and try to
agree, though I'm far from convinced, and Nicole's silence- not to
mention her obsession with being popular- puts a thought in my head
that I really wish I wasn't thinking.
Our next lesson is PE, so as usual, I get changed alongside Nicole and
Suriya in the girls' toilets that make up my 'private changing room'-
and this gives me the perfect opportunity to raise my concerns.
"Nicole..." I whisper as I pull on my shorts and t-shirt (we haven't been
issued our team leotards yet). "You were kinda quiet at break..."
"I- I'm fine," Nicole mumbles, though she's clearly far from fine, and
it's obvious why.
Nicole remains silent all throughout lunch- which is spent at our 'new
spot'- and our final lesson, and by the time I slump down in mum's car
at the end of the day, I'm utterly exhausted.
"Another bad day?" Mum asks, sighing sadly as I nod. "That pathetic
girl still pestering you?"
"'Bullying'," I correct my mother. "The word you're looking for is
'bullying'."
"Then tell someone about it," mum says. "Tell a teacher, or your head
of year. Hell, tell Mr. Malik, he's on the board of governors at the
school."
"That'll only make things worse," I moan. "Today she was walking around
with a sock bulging through the front of her skirt..."
"Right," mum says determinedly. "Well if you aren't going to tell
anyone, I will."
"No- no please, please don't..." I weakly moan.
"Laura," mum sighs. "These things need to be stopped now before they
get any worse. It's a sad fact of life that there are people who get
off on making others miserable. I know that better than anyone else."
"...You were bullied at school?" I ask.
"No," mum whispers. "I was a bully." My jaw drops at my mother's
revelation- I have a million questions, but mum keeps talking before I
have the chance to ask them.
"There was this one girl at school," mum explains. "She was shorter
than everyone else all the way through school, even into fifth form-
what you now call year 11. She wasn't a midget, she was just small...
When she was fifteen, she looked like she was ten, that sort of thing."
"I know the feeling," I say, remembering how small I felt before my own
hormone-triggered growth spurt.
"So we'd always pick on her," mum said, her voice filled with shame.
"Call her 'shrimpy', that sort of thing... One day, she didn't show up to
school."
"Oh my god," I whisper. "Did- did she-"
"She was taken into hospital," mum says. "She didn't try anything, if
that's what you were asking. It turns out she had some kind of kidney
disease that prevented her from developing properly. She was on
dialysis for months, had to take her exams in the hospital. First thing
I did when I left school for the summer was I went straight to the
hospital to see if I could act as a kidney donor."
"And- and were you?" I ask.
"No," mum says. "Wasn't a match. In a way I was kinda relieved- I
didn't want to have the surgery, after all- but I was kinda
disappointed. I'd made the girl's life a living hell, giving her a
kidney seemed like the least I could do."
"I see," I say. "If you're trying to make me have any sympathy for-"
"No, never sympathy," mum says. "Pity, on the other hand... It why I
always came down so hard on Ricky when you two were growing up. I'm
just glad you're growing up to be a more understanding, tolerant young
woman."
"Not got much choice but to be tolerant!" I say, making mum giggle as
we head home. After dinner, I head up to my bedroom, where I strip off
my uniform and pull on the pink tights and black leotard that have been
a part of my Tuesday and Friday nights for the past year. After
ensuring the leotard is smooth over my body, I inspect the crotch area
of the skin-tight garment, and find it just as smooth as it is on any
of my friends- or any other girl's body, despite what Sam and her
cronies might think.
I have a grin on my face as I arrive at the dance studio to be greeted
by my identically-clothed friends (apart from Ashley, of course, who's
wearing her boy's leggings and t-shirt), though my smile soon fades
when my friends try to steer me toward a different part of the
reception area from where we normally sit.
"Umm... Have we been kicked out of ANOTHER spot?" I ask as I sit down
with my knees pressed tightly together.
"You... You don't wanna know," Megan sighs.
"Ugh," I spit. "No, you know what? I DO want to know. This is the only
'safe space' I have left apart from my home. And I am NOT letting
anyone take it away from me." I immediately march over to our old
'spot' in the reception area, where, to my dismay, one of the girls
from school- a girl in our year called Mia- is stood, with a very
noticeable bulge in the crotch of her leotard.
"Oh, hey Laura!" Mia says, before doubling over with laughter.
"You planning on dancing with that in your leo all night?" I ask,
grinning with anticipation at the inevitable response.
"Are you planning on dancing with THAT in your leo all night?" Mia
asks, pointing at my crotch.
"I don't see why not," I retort smugly. "It's not stopped me from being
a hundred times better dancer than you are!"
"What's going on here?" Miss Fullerton asks as she approaches our
group, before sighing as she sees the bulge in Mia's leotard. "I'm not
looking at someone making fun of someone else for being transgendered,
am I?"
"Umm... No," Mia mumbles, hastily covering the bulge.
"Good," Miss Fullerton says. "Because as I'm sure you know, one of my
oldest and best friends is transgendered. As is another one of my best
friends. As is Mademoiselle Renou's partner. And her two other flat
mates. And my fianc?'s best man at our upcoming wedding. So if I did
discover that someone was being discriminated against for being
transgender- or, for that matter, being gay, non-white or a member of
any other minority- the person doing the discriminating wouldn't be
dancing in this studio anymore. Am I clear?"
"Yes, Miss Fullerton," Mia mumbles as she tries to stealthily remove
the bulge (a thick, pink legwarmer).
"I also want to hear an apology," Miss Fullerton says sternly.
"Sorry, Laura," Mia mumbles.
"Apology accepted," I mumble back.
"Good girls," Miss Fullerton says. "Laura, can I have a word with you,
please?"
"Umm, okay," I say nervously as I follow the tall teacher to her
office.
"Don't worry, you're not in any trouble," Miss Fullerton says. "I just
wanted to give you details for that Latin class you've been asking
about. Also, I've had a few of the girls sending me referrals today for
a new girl who started at your school. She's practically jumped to the
top of the queue already, but none of your group have referred her, so
I just wanted to check to see if you knew her."
"Oh no," I moan, immediately sensing where the conversation is going.
"Is- is her name Sam Reid?"
"Samantha Reid, yeah, why?" Miss Fullerton asks, before sighing. "Let
me guess- she was copying Mia at school today?"
"More like Mia was copying her," I spit.
"Well," Miss Fullerton says smugly. "That's one referral that's getting
rejected, isn't it? I'll just have to find someone else to take Abbey-
Gayle and Ella's places. And yes, I am holding a space for Ashley
whenever he- sorry, whenever SHE wants it!" I giggle as I rejoin the
rest of the girls and follow Miss Fullerton into the dance studio,
emerging an hour later tired but exhilarated as always.
As I pull on my dance skirt and cardigan to go home, however, my eyes
are drawn to the other side of the room, where Mia is exchanging her
pointe shoes for a pair of black flats. We've never exactly been
friends- she's not in my form or any of my classes- but for her to
suddenly act like I'm a freak... There has to be SOME kind of
explanation, and I need to know what it is.
"Mia," I say softly as I stand over the black-haired girl.
"What do you want?" Mia asks, clearly uncomfortable at having to talk
to me.
"I want to know why you felt that I deserve to be bullied," I say
bluntly, inwardly smirking as Mia isn't able to return my gaze. "Do you
actually hate me, Mia? Is that it? What have I ever done to you?"
"You want to know?" Mia asks angrily.
"Yeah, yeah I do," I reply.
"Girls," Miss Fullerton says sternly. "Stop this. Both of you. Now."
Mia and I take a deep breath before backing away from each other and
getting into our respective lifts home. Once I'm in the car, though, I
immediately get out my phone and log onto Facebook messenger- Mia's
been a friend of mine on there since year 8, and unsurprisingly, she's
already online.
'Hi,' I type.
'Hi,' Mia immediately responds.
'I still want to know what your problem is with me,' I type, smirking
at how blunt the plain text sounds.
'You really want to know?' Mia replies.
'Yes,' I answer.
'Everyone- literally everyone- in school hates you,' Mia types, making
me bite my lip to stop myself from crying.
'Then everyone needs to get over what I keep in my panties,' I reply.
'People don't hate you because you're a boy, or were a boy, or
whatever,' Mia types. 'They hate you because you're such a stuck-up
cow. You and your whole group are. You always keep to yourselves,
you're always hogging the best clubs, you're in the dance squad, the
plays, you'll probably hog the cheer team too.'
'WTF!?' I type. 'You think WE'RE the cool kids? Don't make me laugh,
we're the outcasts. We always have been, you know that and you know
exactly why.'
'Oh please,' Mia replies. 'Outcasts don't get to go and watch Star Wars
with celebrities.'
'OMG, you're jealous!' I type. 'If you wanted to hang out with us, you
only needed to ask. Assuming you can stand to sit with- and I quote- a
ladyboy, a dyke, an ogre, a spastic and two pakis.'
'Yeah that was pretty shitty of Sam to say that,' Mia types. 'I think
she really does hate you just because you're transgendered. Actually
said she'd beat you up if you ever went into any of the girls' toilets,
even the ones you're allowed in. Think she uses them deliberately just
to see if she can run into you.'
'So immature,' I type. 'And you really want to be her friend?'
'Better than being yours,' Mia responds, making me snort derisively.
'How would you know if you've never been our friend?' I ask, smiling as
Mia takes her time before responding.
'Like you'd ever let anyone else sit with you,' Mia types.
'We let Ashley sit with us,' I retort. 'George sits with us.' I take a
deep breath before continuing my message. 'We sit on the benches near
the music block. Come sit with us at break if you want.'
'How do you know I won't bring Sam and the rest of the girls with me,
now that I know where you are?' Mia asks.
'Well that's up to you,' I type. 'Whether you'd rather sit with the
words I typed earlier or someone who's got no problem with calling
other people those words.'
'Whatever,' Mia types, before going offline. I smile as we arrive home,
though, when I see that she hasn't blocked me on Facebook, or even
unfriended me.
After changing into my nightdress ahead of going to bed, I grab my
tablet computer and open messenger back up to discover a group chat
already in progress.
'OMG can you believe Mia?' Harriet types.
'Can't believe she did that!' Priya types. 'If she did that at school
she'd get suspended for sure! I've already told my head of year about
Sam's P-word comment, wouldn't be surprised if she's in isolation for
the rest of the week just based on that alone.'
'Way to make yourself known on your first week at a new school,' Megan
types.
'I actually talked to Mia on the way home,' I typed.
'OMG even after Miss Fullerton told you not to?' Megan asks.
'On FB,' I clarify. 'Seems like she hates Sam as much as we do... She
reckons we're all stuck up because we sometimes get to hang out with
the Angels. Reckon she's just jealous.'
'Who wouldn't be jealous of us?' Nicole types. 'I mean, we ARE cool.
Cool people don't go around getting themselves banned from ballet
studios.' I grin as I read Nicole's reply- that answers any questions I
may have had about her 'loyalty'.
'LOL Sam will be pissed when she hears that!' Suriya types.
'Mia reckons that she is just a bigot,' I type. 'I kinda invited Mia to
sit with us tomorrow break.'
'OMG!!!' Suriya types. 'Guess we'll have to find somewhere else, then!'
'Nice going, Laura!' Nicole types.
'Oh come on,' I type. 'They can't be in two places at once...'
'Uh, yeah, they can,' Priya types. 'There's enough of them.'
'...Fine,' I type. 'But if Mia turns out to be the eighth member of the
'excellent eight', I expect an apology!'
'If that happens, I'll eat my pointe shoes,' Suriya types.
'Oh leave it out,' Harriet types. 'Everyone deserves a second chance,
don't they?'
'Well I guess,' Suriya types. 'G2G now, need to do homework before
bed.'
'Same here,' I type, before saying my goodbyes, closing down the
messenger app, finishing my homework and climbing into bed.
The following morning, I arrive at school to be greeted by all my
friends as usual, and unsurprisingly, Mia isn't amongst the group, but
even more surprisingly, she isn't in Sam's group either- largely as Sam
herself is nowhere to be seen.
"Looks like Priya was right about Sam going into isolation," Suriya
says with a smug grin.
"Yeah," Harriet laughs. "Doubt she's learned her lesson, though..."
"Well- we'll see," I say as I take my seat and the form session begins.
"It's not like she can stay in isolation forever..."
With Sam absent, the first two lessons of the day go super smoothly,
and when the bell rings to signify the start of break, I grin when I
head outside to see our usual table completely empty. Suriya, Nicole,
Megan and Harriet waste no time in parking themselves in the usual
spots, but as I go to sit down, I remember the girl I'd promised our
friendship to last night. I can't see our 'new spot' from our usual
table- which is why we chose that spot- so I excuse myself and wander
around the music block, where I let out a little gasp as I see the
black-haired girl sat staring into the middle distance.
"Hi..." I say nervously.
"Hi Laura," Mia says, obviously relieved to see me. "Thought you were
going to leave me sat here all break... Wouldn't have blamed you after
last night."
"That's not the type of person I am," I say with a proud grin. "Come
on, we're sat at our usual table." Mia smiles wearily as she stands up
and follows me back to our table, where Suriya dramatically sighs and
slumps forward onto the table.
"She lost a bet," I say to Mia, who laughs nervously before sitting
down.
"Do you know any good recipes for pointe shoes?" Megan asks, making
everyone- Mia included- giggle.
"If Sam were here she'd say 'curry'," Suriya spits as she sits up.
"She probably would," Mia snorts. "Guess you've figured out she's in
isolation for the rest of the week. Only just avoided that myself."
"At least you're ashamed of what you did," Harriet says.
"Yeah, it wasn't cool," Mia mumbles. "Everyone- everyone reckons you
guys are, you know, cliquey, that you think you're better than everyone
'cause you hang out with the Angels, you're in all the school
productions..."
"It's not that at all," Nicole says.
"If anything, we keep to ourselves because- and I'm only speaking for
myself- I think everyone thinks I'm WORSE than everyone," Harriet says,
earning consoling hugs from Megan and Suriya.
"You're not worse than ANYONE," I say.
"Oh really?" Harriet asks. "My parents are divorced, I'm not- and never
will be- skinny, I sleep in an attic, I have ginger hair, and- oh yes-
I'm gay. Top that."
"My parents are also divorced," I retort. "My father's in prison, I've
actually been hospitalised thanks to my obsession with being thin. My
bedroom's the size of a broom cupboard, and- oh yes- I used to be a
boy."
"Girls," Megan sighs. "Let's call this a draw, okay?"
"I- I always thought, you know..." Mia mumbles. "I always thought I was
the only insecure girl in the school. Everyone I hang out with is so
confident, but you- you girls are really open with each other. And with
me! Like, I've only been sat here three minutes..."
"I guess we've known each other a long time," I shrug.
"Nah," Mia says. "More like everyone else is SO fake..."
"Well you're welcome to hang out with us whenever you want a dose of
'reality'," Harriet giggles. "And trust me, you have nothing to be
insecure about. You are HOT!"
"Thanks," Mia giggles. "I'm kinda... Only straight, though."
"Meh, no one's perfect," Harriet says, prompting a group giggle as the
break period comes to an end.
After another quiet, uneventful lesson, I meet up with Nicole and
Suriya to collect this year's team leotards from our gymnastics
teacher, before giggling with excitement as we head to the school
gymnasium to sign up for another team- a team the three of us have been
dying to get on ever since we started secondary school three years ago.
"Oh my god oh my god!" Nicole squeaks. "I can't believe we're actually
gonna be cheerleaders!"
"I know!" I squeak. "This is like something out of a movie!"
"Hi girls!" Miss Ellison says as we approach the front of the queue.
"Laura, Suriya, as you were in dance club last year, you automatically
get into the squad, so here are your uniforms!" Suriya and I both
squeak with excitement as we're handed the gorgeous-looking uniforms,
which are almost exactly like the uniforms I've seen so often in
American films and television.
The uniform is made up of three pieces- the 'base' is a 3/4 sleeve dark
red leotard, on top of which goes a sparkling white tank top with the
school's initials embroidered on the front, and a very floaty white
pleated skirt that barely covers the bottom of the wearer. Completing
the outfit are red and white (the colours of our school) socks, white
and red sneakers, a red and white scrunchie to hold our hair back and,
last but not least, red and white pom poms that make an unbelievably
loud noise when Suriya and I put them in our bags!
"Oh, I am SO jealous already!" Nicole sighs. "I don't get why any girl
wouldn't want to be a cheerleader..."
"Well," Miss Ellison says with a grin, "the squad size is twelve, we
never get more than about twenty girls wanting to sign up and I know
you'll do well in the tryouts- which will be tomorrow lunchtime,
incidentally."
"Can- can we come along to the tryouts too?" Suriya asks. "You know, to
'cheer' on our friend?"
"Of course!" Miss Ellison says with a smile. "The more, the merrier!"
The three of us giggle as we head out of the gymnasium, though as we
leave, a face appears in the doorway that makes us gasp.
"What?" Mia asks with a smug grin as she heads toward the signup sheet.
"You thought that just because you were trying out, it meant that I
wouldn't be?"
"Oh, this is SO COOL!" Nicole squeaks excitedly. "Four of us on the
squad! Eeeee!"
"Assuming we get through the tryouts, anyway!" Mia laughs.
"Are you kidding?" I ask. "You two are SUCH great dancers, you'll be
fine!"
"Us two?" Mia asks.
"Us two who have to try out rather than getting an automatic spot,"
Nicole snorts with a good-natured smile, which prompts myself and
Suriya to get out our pom-poms and excitedly shake them in the air.
"Oh, that's so awesome!" Mia coos. "Especially for you, Laura! I LOVED
High School Musical when I was growing up... I'm guessing you didn't get
to watch it much?"
"Not nearly as much as I'd have liked," I sigh. "My brother was in
charge of the remote when I was younger so it was always motor sports
or shows about cops or soldiers."
"Ugh," Mia spits. "Yeah, my brothers were the same. Is your brother in
the Army?"
"Yeah," I say. "Yours too?"
"My eldest, yeah," Mia says with a smile. "Think he always wanted me to
be a tomboy, join him in the Army... He'd probably have a fit if he saw
me dressed as a cheerleader, hehe!"
"...I think mine's only just about got used to the idea!" I giggle.
"My brother knows I'm a girly girl and he'd still have a heart attack!"
Suriya giggles.
"Girly girls rule!" I giggle, joining Suriya in a mock-curtsey.
"They- sorry, WE do!" Mia laughs. "It's just so cool that you used to
be a boy, but now, you're, like, the girliest girl in the school!"
"I'd have to disagree that it was cool that I was EVER a boy," I say
with a warm smile. "But you're right about the second part!"
"So," Suriya asks cautiously as we head to our regular table. "If
someone was a boy, but wanted to be a girl, you'd think that was cool?"
"Who wouldn't want to be a girl?" Mia asks.
"Says the girl with a legwarmer stuffed in the crotch of her leotard?"
Priya asks, making Mia cringe.
"Ugh," the pale-skinned girl spits. "I am SO sorry about that... Shows
that I needed to pick my friends better, huh? Wish I'd hung out with
you guys earlier, you really are cool, all of you."
"We all make mistakes," I shrug as I glance over at Ashley. "God knows
I've made a few in my past... But for the rest of the week, at least, I
can pretend that Sam simply does not exist!"
"Yeah!" The table cheers- Suriya literally so as she still has her pom-
poms in her hands- before we get down to the task of eating our lunch.
After another quiet, uneventful lesson to end the day, I climb into
mum's car with a smile on my face, which immediately puts a smile onto
my mother's face.
"I take it you had a good day, then?" Mum asks.
"Yep!" I giggle. "Sam's in isolation, and I may have yet ANOTHER
uniform for you to wash every week..."
"Aww," mum coos. "Is my little girl now a proper cheerleader?"
"I stopped being your 'little girl' when I started to be taller than
you," I retort, making my mother snort with laughter. "But yes, Suri
and I are on the team automatically 'cause we were in dance club last
year, Nicole and Mia are going to try out tomorrow."
"...Who's 'Mia'?" Mum asks.
"Oh, she was one of the girls who was picking on me," I explain. "But
she apologised so we're friends now. She's in my ballet class, pale
skin, long, black hair?"
"Oh- yeah, I think I know her," mum says with a concerned expression.
"So... She was bullying you, and less than 24 hours later, you're
friends?"
"Well- not 'bullying', really," I say. "She was just following what Sam
was doing. Mia's cool, really, now that we've got to know each other a
bit better."
"24 hours is obviously a long time when you're fourteen," mum sighs.
"Make sure you talk about her- and especially about Sam- with Dr
Williamson, okay?"
"Okay," I shrug as we arrive at the clinic, inside which is the
counsellor who's been helping me over the last three years.
"Hello Laura, Michelle," Dr Williamson says as mum and I step into her
office. "Big week this week, start of your GCSEs... How've you been
coping?"
"The actual GCSEs themselves aren't too much of a problem," I say.
"They're all subjects I enjoy, and I'm on the cheerleading squad too."
"Oh, very cool!" Dr Williamson laughs. "Didn't realise that was a thing
in Britain."
"Maybe not as big as it is in America," I say. "It's basically just the
same as dance club from years 8 and 9, only with a proper uniform, the
skirt, the trainers, the pom-poms..."
"Well, make sure you don't overwork yourself," Dr Williamson says. "You
do so many extra-curricular activities, and all of them are physical as
well. On that note, food diary, please." I let out a tired sigh as I
hand the well-worn notebook over to my counsellor, who flicks through
it before nodding with satisfaction.
"Good," Dr Williamson says. "Your weight's steady, it could probably do
with going up a couple of pounds but I'm satisfied that it's within
healthy bounds."
"Tell her about Sam and Mia, Laura," mum says, making me grimace.
"Who are Sam and Mia?" Dr Williamson asks. "New friends?"
"Yes- well, no- well, kinda," I sigh. "Sam started school this week,
transferred from a different school... She started bullying me almost the
second she knew I was transgendered."
"Sadly, that's just a fact of life," Dr Williamson says with a soft
voice. "You'll always find people who are unwilling to look past their
prejudices, and high school is a hotbed for bullying. Did you say there
was a second girl?"
"Yeah, Mia," I say. "She was picking on me too, but I confronted her,
she backed down... She explained that I- that me and my friends, we-
we're not that popular at school..."
"The one worry of the teenaged girl," Dr Williamson says in a
sympathetic voice. "Believe me when I saw that everyone in your
position goes through what you're going through. Even teenagers who
aren't transgendered. You need to keep focussing on the positive
aspects in your life. What happened after Mia backed down?"
"Well, we got talking," I say. "We- we're kinda friends now."
"Sounds to me that you're gonna end this week with one more friend than
when you started it," Dr Williamson says.
"Well- yeah, I guess," I say. "Just because everyone gets bullied, it
doesn't mean it's right."
"No, it most definitely doesn't," Dr Williamson concurs. "No one
chooses to be bullied, but you can choose how you respond to the
bullying. Talking is a good start."
"But we tried that with Sam," I moan. "We actually invited her to be
part of the group, then she went away after break and came back at
lunch and she was just a total- well, you know..."
"Then it shows that she was never willing to be your friend, and you
shouldn't waste any of your time worrying about her or even thinking
about her," Dr Williamson says in a soft, calming voice.
"You're right," I whisper with a smile.
"I know the old clich? of 'ignore a bully and they'll go away' isn't
always the best advice," Dr Williamson says, "but confronting them can
often do more harm than good. In the case of your new friend Mia, you
were lucky and you were able to reason with them. If what you say about
Sam- that she just 'turned'- is true, then it's unlikely that the same
approach will work with her."
"So... Just keep my distance and hope for the best?" I ask.
"For now," Dr Williamson says. "I know two years seems like a long
time, but it really will be over before you know it. I will give you
this one additional piece of advice, though- virtually all
transgendered people go through what you're going through, and many of
them developed coping strategies that they'll be willing to share with
you." I nod and make a mental note at Dr Williamson's hint.
Immediately upon returning home, I head upstairs to change out of my
uniform and into a comfortable denim skirt and long-sleeved top, but
the instant I've pulled the stretchy garment over my head, I reach for
my tablet computer and log in to Facebook. This is hardly out of the
ordinary for me, obviously, but this evening there's a specific name
I'm looking for, which I'm relieved to see is on the 'online' list- the
name in question being Nikki Thomas.
'Hi,' I type, my fingers shaking slightly with nerves. 'Are you free
for a chat?'
'Hey Laura,' the reply comes almost instantly. 'Sure, I can talk, I'm
just chilling this evening.'
'How are you feeling?' I type, wanting to appear polite rather than
immediately unloading my problems onto Nikki.
'Fine,' Nikki replies. 'A lot better than this time last month.
Stitches are all gone, swelling's going down. Back at work next week
too!'
'Heh,' I type with a smiling emoji. 'So jealous... Really can't wait to
get my SRS.'
'It did feel weird at first,' Nikki types. 'But every day I wake up
with 'it' it feels more and more normal, like it was meant to be.'
'It WAS meant to be!' I type, earning a smiling emoji from Nikki.
'Is everything okay, Laura?' Nikki types. 'I doubt you messaged me just
to talk about my vagina...'
'Lol,' I reply, before taking another deep breath. 'I started back at
school this week.'
'Ah, of course, it's September,' Nikki types. 'When you start working
full-time you don't get the luxury of a six week holiday in summer,
lol. You're in year 10 now, aren't you?'
'Yeah,' I type. 'There was a new girl in class today.'
'Aw, I remember there being a new girl in MY class at the start of year
10...' Nikki types, obviously referring to her fianc?e.
'Yeah,' I type. 'Well this doesn't look like it's going to be a love
story. Pretty much the second she found out that I was transgendered
she started having a go at me... Even had a go at my friends too, was
racist and everything.'
'Ugh, bigots,' Nikki types with a frowning emoji. 'I'm not going to
tell you to 'just ignore it' as that's always been stupid advice. All I
will say is that you are a much, much better person than they are.'
'You've not met them,' I retort.
'Don't need to,' Nikki types. 'I've met more than enough people just
like her. People who assume that because you were born with a [d**k],
you're some sort of freak or monster for wanting to wear a skirt.' I
pause before typing my next message, shuddering at the very personal
nature of the query.
'Were you ever bullied?' I type, before hastily adding to my message.
'Don't respond if you don't want to, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked
such a personal question.'
'It's okay,' Nikki types. 'Us T-girls must stick together, heh.'
'I guess,' I type.
'To answer your question,' Nikki types, 'I don't think there's a single
transgendered person in the world who hasn't faced some form of
bullying from their peers- myself included. I was comparatively lucky-
I left school as a boy and then started fashion college as a girl, the
only person from my school who went to my college was Sarah so I was
able to start with a clean slate, and the girls I met on my first day
all accepted me. The 'friends' I left behind at the old school, on the
other hand, after I announced it on FB...'
'I can kinda see why you waited until you were done with school before
transitioning,' I type.
'Every day, I wish I hadn't waited so long,' Nikki types. 'But I know
the reaction from the kids at school... Well, you know better than
anyone.'
'Yep,' I type with a 'sad' emoji.
'I won't tell you that the next two years will be easy,' Nikki
continues, 'you can't simply delete people from real life the way you
can on Facebook. But once you reach sixteen, you get your full
oestrogen dosage and you leave school, you'll be able to live your life
by your terms only, and you'll be able to cut out all the tumours from
your life like this new girl at your school.'
'Yeah, I guess,' I reply.
'Besides,' Nikki types, 'at the end of your school you'll get to go to
your prom, and I mean PROPERLY go. Sarah and I never did.'
'Kinda need a boyfriend for that first!' I type.
'Two years when you're a dancer, a gymnast and now a cheerleader?'
Nikki types with a winking emoji. 'Yeah, I saw your status update.
You'll be beating off boys with a stick within SECONDS of putting that
uniform on, trust me!'
'Lol, I wish,' I type as the smell of dinner begins wafting up the
stairs. 'G2G, dinner's ready.'
'Talk soon,' Nikki types. 'And Laura- take care of yourself, okay?'
'Will do,' I type before logging off Facebook and heading downstairs,
where much to my delight, I discover that mum and I aren't alone for
dinner tonight.
"Hi Laura!" Lily says happily as her father watches on with a smile on
her face.
"Hi Lily!" I giggle. "Hi Sean!"
"Hi Laura," my mother's boyfriend says with a smile. "Good day at
school?"
"Better than Monday or Tuesday," I shrug.
"Laura," Lily coos, "Michelle says you're going to be a cheerleader, is
that right?"
"Well," I say with a cheeky grin, "why don't you ask these?" I laugh as
I reach into my school bag and retrieve my pom-poms, shaking them near
Lily's head and making her giggle excitedly. "Would you like a go with
them?" I giggle as Lily's tiny eyes light up and she grabs the pom-poms
from me, dancing around the room and waving them in my and her father's
faces.
"Ah, looks like Laura's not going to be the only cheerleader in the
house!" Mum laughs as she serves dinner.
"Give it five years, and you can get pom-poms of your own, Lily!" I
giggle as the small girl hands the loud, rustly accessories back to me.
"Just a pity I have to give the uniform back when I'm done with it,
really. Would be nice to have someone to hand clothes down to. Well,
other than Ashley, and she's already almost as tall as I am."
"I'll have any of your clothes that you don't want!" Lily immediately
volunteers, making me giggle again.
"...It would save on the bills," Sean laughs as he tucks into his meal.
"Laura's clothes are so cool," Lily sighs. "If I wore cool clothes,
maybe more people at school will think I'm cool."
"You ARE cool," I assure the nine year old girl. "What's important is
who you are on the inside, not what clothes you wear." I bite my lip
once the last word passes my lips- my eleven-year old self would
probably disagree with what I'm saying, and a quick glance up at mum
shows that she knows exactly what I'm thinking- even if she's in total
agreement with me.
"Like Ashley, you mean?" Lily asks. "I mean, he's a girl on the inside,
but wears boy's clothes, so that makes him really a girl?"
"Exactly," I say.
"So if you wore boy's clothes, would you still really be a girl?" Lily
asks me, and I bite my lip again as I remember the last time I ever
wore boy's clothes, when I was in the care- or, to use a more
appropriate word, custody- of my so-called father.
"Always," I say with a confident grin. "I'll always be a girl. No
matter what anyone else says. And you'll always be cool, no matter what
anyone else says."
"I guess," Lily says. "Some of the kids at school used to tease me a
lot. They were making fun of me because my mum and dad weren't
together."
"But they don't say that anymore, do they?" Sean asks, giving his
daughter a comforting hug. "Because even though we're not together
anymore, your mum and I will always love YOU, and that's the important
thing."
"I know," Lily says, the smile returning to her face.
"And I'll always be a big sister for you, whenever you need one," I
say, making Lily smile even wider.
"And I'll always be a little sister for you if you need one of those!"
Lily laughs.
"That will ALWAYS be appreciated," I say as I study Lily's smiling
face.
I don't know how bad she had it at school, of course, but it'd just be
pure ego to assume that I'm having it any worse than her. Bullying
really does happen to people of all ages and of all genders, for any
reason a bully can find. Some people just thrive on being pathetic- and
I refuse to let them thrive at my expense. I have a loving family and
friends I care about- and I've added new members to both those groups
in recent months. I don't need to live in fear- though I know that when
I see Sam again, despite my best efforts, I'll feel just like the
terrified four year old she treats me like.
...Though when I arrive at school the following day, my resolve is
strengthened when Mr. Sheldon takes me to one side and privately tells
me that Sam has been moved to a different form group on a permanent
basis, and reiterates what Mrs. Houghton told me when I started at the
school three years ago- that discrimination of any kind will not be
tolerated under any circumstances.
That's not to say that I don't still feel the stares of my classmates
boring holes into my body on a daily basis, of course, but the
knowledge that the 'safety net' provided by the school is still there-
and in Priya, I have a friend more than willing to use it- makes life
so much easier. Nikki's right- I can't erase people from real life the
way I can from Facebook, but I can concentrate on the positives I do
have, like my new friend Mia- who, with Nicole, will be joining myself
and Suriya on the cheerleading squad after a successful pair of
auditions!
By the time the bell rings to signify the end of the school day, I've
all but put Sam out of my mind. Sure, I know I'll eventually have to
face her again, but I know one simple fact- I'll never have to face her
alone. I feel sorry for all the transgendered girls across the UK who
aren't as lucky as I am to have such amazing friends. I've had it hard,
but so, so many have it harder- I just wish there was a way I could
help them the way Nikki has helped me this week.
What I can do, though, is be there for my friends when they need me. If
it wasn't for their support, I don't know that I'd have made it through
a single confrontation with Sam, and as I'm laid on my bed at home
after school, I make sure that all of them- even my newest friend- know
just how important they are to me.
With the strength they and my family give me, the story of Laura Jade
White won't be over for a long, long time!