"Are you sure you're ready?" Mum asks, waiting as I take a deep breath
to calm my nerves. Before I reply, I can't help but look at the girl
looking at me in the mirror, a girl wearing a grey school uniform,
complete with a white blouse, a smart blazer and tie, a grey knee-
length pleated skirt, thick grey tights and plain black flats.
"Make up your mind quickly, I don't want to be late on my first day of
school," Lily- the person wearing the uniform- chastises me as I
examine my own attire for the day, which is a far cry from Lily's
clothes- which themselves (the skirt, the tie, the blazer and the flats
at least) were exactly what I was wearing almost five years ago to the
day. Today, I'm dressed in a long sleeved khaki top that's much more
form-fitting than Lily's blouse, a skirt that's both shorter and
tighter than even the skirt I wore to school last year, thinner,
sheerer tights, shoes with a 2" wedge heel and much more make-up and
jewellery, including two colourful studs in each earlobe and (despite
my mother's protests when she first saw it) a gold stud in my left
nostril. And yet, I'm just as nervous as Lily must be as we both face
our first day at a new school (or, in my case, further education
college). In fact, I'm just as nervous as I was this time five years
ago, though both Lily and I have one advantage over my eleven year old
self- the fact that we won't be going it alone today.
"Hey, girlie!" Suriya squeaks excitedly as she greets me with a hug
just inside the college's front door. "Ah, so exciting today!"
"Yep!" I reply, giggling more as I have to bend down to exchange a hug
with the much shorter girl. "Ahh, dunno why I'm so nervous! I'm even
more nervous than when I started school, and back then I had, well, a
good reason, you know?"
"Ehh, I know what you mean," Suriya sighs. "I'm more nervous than when
I started secondary school too, and that's because it's just you and me
today, heh. And for the next two years!"
"Well, until we make new friends, right?" I say with a confident smirk.
"After all, you can never have too many, right?"
"Right!" Suriya says with a grin and a nod as we make our way to the
reception area of the college to register for our IDs and get our
timetables. Despite my outward confidence, though, inwardly I am
missing the rest of the girls just as much as Suri inevitably is.
For the past five years, whenever I went into school I was met at the
front entrance by all of my friends, or if I was the first there, I'd
wait for all of my friends- ALL of them- before heading inside.
Considering some of what I had to endure at school thanks to my
'special status', this strength in numbers came as a huge comfort. All
throughout the summer I knew that thing would be different at college,
but it's only hitting home now how (relatively) alone I am as I walk
through a crowd of unfamiliar faces- any of whom could be a die-hard
transphobe and could make the next two years utterly miserable for me.
Of course, any of them could potentially be a new friend, maybe even a
new best friend on par with any of the 'excellent eight'. After all,
this time two years ago the 'eight' was a 'seven', and the thought of
Mia being one of my closest friends was unthinkable. Nowadays, I can't
imagine my life without her in it, but even that isn't certain anymore
following this morning's 'incident'.
Today, Tuesday, is the first day of college for most of the 'excellent
eight'. However, one of the 'eight' won't be in college today, but will
still be in school instead, just as she was yesterday- something the
other seven of us all managed to forget as we enjoyed one final lie-in
of the summer holidays. Later in the afternoon, as we all met up for
one final sunbathing session of the summer holidays, we came up with a
plan to message Ash this morning under the pretense that we thought
that today was her first day at school. Needless to say, the plan not
only worked but backfired, meaning I get to start my first day of
college after a row with not only one of my best friends, but someone
whose friendship I simply can't afford to lose. Because if the eight
become a seven again, there'll be nothing stopping the seven from
becoming a six, or a five...
"This is us," Suriya says, snapping me back to reality as we head
toward the main classroom for our course, which is, of course, drama
and theatre studies.
While we made sure to relax over our extra-long summer break, both
Suriya and I were kept very busy with our side projects. In addition to
working part-time in the caf?, we both continued to get the occasional
modelling job as well. My usual 'employer', my friend Nikki's wife, had
graduated from university over the summer, but will be returning later
this month to start a Masters' Degree, meaning my services were still
in high demand. Nikki's wife was also 'kind' enough to share my contact
details with her friends she went to university with, meaning even more
work for me, even if it did make for an uncomfortable summer at times
as one of her designer friends seemed to only make dresses that can't
be worn without an extra-tight corset.
The most fun 'work' I did over the summer, though, was when I was cast
in a play produced by a small local theatre company. My part wasn't
huge, but had a good handful of lines, and it was the first time I'd
acted alongside adult, professional actors who all gave me a lot of
useful advice. And, best of all, throughout the play's entire run, I
didn't experience a single incident of transphobia. The other women all
welcomed me into their dressing room as one of their own, were entirely
unfazed when I explained my 'situation' to them, and a couple of them
even asked me for fashion tips! This rare experience, combined with the
sheer fun I had while performing, have made me even more sure that I
want to be a professional actress when I'm older. There is a part of
me, though, that wonders if this desire is linked to my transition- as
in, pretending to be someone else for a living might hint that I'm only
pretending to be a girl- but my counsellor has assured me that this
isn't the case, as have my family and my friends, all of whom were on
hand for my debut in the play. As, of course, was Kain, with whom I've
grown a lot closer over the summer holiday (both emotionally and
physically)and who I'm missing today just as much as the rest of the
excellent eight.
However, today, it's just us 'terrific two' at college, and after
taking our seats in our new classroom, I scan the room, trying to get a
feel for the people with whom I'll be spending the next two years. Once
again, my mind wanders back to my first day at secondary school five
years ago- a comparison helped by having the exact same person sat next
to me. As with my secondary school form, the others in the class are a
near 50/50 mix of male and female and we're all sat at desks facing the
front of the room, where the teacher will be stood. However, there are
as many differences as there are similarities. The lack of a school
uniform is the most noticeable and most welcome difference- looking
back, it's hard to believe I was as excited as I was about getting to
wear a proper girl's uniform on that first day. Okay, yes, it was a
symbol of the fact that I was essentially no different than any of the
other girls, but as time went on and I began to develop my own
individual style, a school uniform gradually became the last thing I'd
ever want to wear- and now I don't have to ever again. Being able to
wear proper make-up is also an improvement, even if every other girl in
the room is wearing as much or more than me...
Of course, the biggest difference is that back then, everyone in the
room was eleven, and today everyone is sixteen (a few may even be
seventeen or eighteen), older and maturer. Well, supposedly maturer,
anyway, as while we wait for our tutor to arrive, all the boys in the
room are rowdily laughing and all the girls are gossiping and giggling
excitedly. And yes, I am very much in the latter group!
"Okay, settle down everyone," our tutor- a tall, older man with a
booming voice- says as he enters the room. "I'd like to welcome you all
to your first day of drama studies here at North Fulham College. My
name is Mr. Jack Irwin, and over the next two years, I'll teach you
everything I know about both acting and the behind the scenes aspect of
theatre production. The goal is to get you ready for a profession in
the theatre and, if you choose, to study acting at university.
Throughout the next two years, we'll be putting on productions and
everyone in this room will get the chance to be on stage in a lead
role, so if you don't get the part you wanted first time around, don't
get downhearted. Before we get started, I thought I'd tell you all a
little about me. I've been acting for over 30 years, mostly on stage
but I've done some TV work as well. For the past twelve years I've been
teaching here, and I intend to remain here for the foreseeable future.
Okay, let's go around the room and introduce ourselves. This should be
easy- if you're afraid of public speaking, you're probably on the wrong
course!"
The twenty-odd of us in the room take it in turns introducing
ourselves, with everyone emphasising the acting they've done but also
mentioning their hobbies, and there's a diverse bunch in the room- most
of the boys are into sport, both watching and playing, but a few are
into more intellectual things like writing, while unsurprisingly,
virtually all of the girls are into fashion, singing and dance. One of
the girls also mentions the college has a ballet club, which intrigues
me and I make a mental note to check it out at lunch. There are
definitely several potential new friends in the class... Though none of
them come even close to the rest of the excellent eight. Eventually, my
turn comes around (the tutor is thankfully going around the class by
where we're sat rather than alphabetically, otherwise I'd have been
waiting forever for my turn) and just as the other kids have done, I
stand up straighten my short skirt and take a deep breath.
"Hi, I'm Laura, Laura White," I say with a confident smile. "I live in
Shepherd's Bush with my mum, her fianc? and his daughter, I got an 8 in
GCSE drama and this summer I was in a local production of 'Top of the
Hill', playing one of the lead roles. I've also danced on stage, I
studied ballet for five years at the Krystie Fullerton School of Dance,
and I've done paid modelling work as well."
"The Krystie Fullerton School?" one of the girls in the class asks.
"So, like, do you know any of the other Angels, then?"
"Yep!" I reply with a smug grin. "I..." I trail off as I realise that
by mentioning my connection to Jamie-Lee Burke and the rest of the
'fellowship', I'm probably going to reveal something else about myself,
something that unlike school, I'm not obliged to disclose if I don't
want to, and I really don't want to for the time being... "I've, umm,
met a few of them, heh."
"So cool," the same girl sighs as I sit back down with a smug grin on
my face. All of a sudden, I'm a lot less anxious about my college
life...
Suriya is next to introduce herself, and naturally, she also shows off
that she went to the same dance school as well (and can't resist
rubbing in the fact that she was a student there before I was). By the
time she sits down, it's clear that the two of us have cemented
ourselves as two of the coolest in the class, something that feels VERY
good, and a refreshing difference from my first day of secondary
school. Whether or not this newfound popularity will survive the reveal
of my 'status' is another matter entirely, though hopefully, I'll have
the time to establish myself before it becomes an issue...
The rest of the morning is spent having the ins and outs of our course
explained to us and being given the reading material we'll need
throughout the year, and by the time lunch rolls around both mine and
Suri's heads are on the verge of exploding from the amount of
information we've had to retain. However, this doesn't dampen our
enthusiasm for the next two years, especially after we finish eating
and head to check out the college's various clubs and societies, with
one in particular taking our interest!
"Dancing for five years, en pointe for three," Suri says to the woman
sat behind the desk advertising the college's ballet society. "I also
study Latin and I've started studying Bhangra as well, which yes, I
know is a stereotype, heh!"
"If you say so," the ballet tutor- a very slender woman in her mid-
thirties called Miss Day- retorts. "Personally I've always wanted to
learn Bhangra, I'd love to see what a Bhangra-themed ballet would look
like."
"Maybe we'll choreograph one together?" Suri shrugs with a very self-
satisfied grin as she steps aside and lets me take her place. As I step
up to the middle-aged woman, I briefly pause as I think I hear the
familiar sound of whispers and giggling behind me, a sound that
followed me around for all five years of secondary school. However,
rather than cringe or cower, as I did five years ago, I simply smile,
shake my head and brush it off. Maybe I've heard those whispers and
giggles so often throughout my life that my mind's not used to not
hearing it when I'm in a crowd and is subconsciously 'filling in the
blanks'...
"Hi, I'm Laura White," I say to the middle-aged woman, giggling
internally at the amount of times I've had to introduce myself today.
"Date of birth fifteen eleven two thousand and one, I'm on the same
course as Suriya."
"Dance experience?" Miss Day asks me.
"Five years of ballet, three en pointe," I reply. "Also done some Latin
but not Bhangra, kinda wouldn't suit it, being 5' 9" and blonde, hehe!"
Much to my surprise, the giggling behind me suddenly intensifies, and I
turn around to see a group of four girls my age, each one wearing a
smug, evil grin on their faces.
"Something funny?" I ask, bracing myself as after five years, I know
exactly what the answer will be. Ugh, why here? I think to myself. I
thought we were meant to be young adults, not little kids anymore...
"Yeah," the leader of the group, a girl from my course named Melanie,
sneers. "You being any kind of dancer!" I bite my lip as the entire
group giggles along with Melanie like the little children that they
are. My initial instinct is to ask 'and why is that', though I know
full well what her answer would be to that question. And after all, I'm
also sixteen, I'm not eleven anymore, and I will NOT be dragged down to
their level.
"Whatever," I snort. "I bet I could dance way better than you, anyway!"
I turn my back to the girls with a smug grin on my face that elicits
some snorts of disgust, which I take as a win even though my stomach is
already churning.
"Oh yeah?" Melanie spits angrily. "Well at least I don't have a PENIS!"
Time seems to freeze and the entire room falls silent as I feel every
pair of eyes shoot in my direction. A part of me wonders if I should've
come clean when I was introducing myself to the class- but another part
of me wonders why the hell I should have to in the first place.
"L- Laura," Suriya mumbles, gently gripping my wrist and trying to lead
me away. I, however, stand firm. For five years I have faced
discrimination and bullying everywhere I've been, from day one at
school right up to my prom, at dance class, at gymnastics competitions
and now here. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of backing down, I'm sick of
cowering and I'm sick of being treated as less than human just because
of the way I am. The fight back starts now.
"And what the fuck does that have to do with the way I dance?" I hiss
in Melanie's face, making sure she can see every drop of fury in my
eyes.
"So you don't deny it, then?" Melanie sneers, a sickeningly smug grin
spreading across my face.
"Okay," I sneer, "since you're too stupid to listen, I'll repeat
myself: what does my being transgendered have to do with me being a
dancer? Or an actress? Or even a girl?"
"'Cause you're not a girl!" Melanie spits, and despite myself, I can
feel my hands clench into fists, my manicured nails digging deep gouges
in my palms.
"Girls," Miss Day says sternly as she approaches both of us. "And yes,
when I say 'girls', I mean both of you. Enough. Now. Melanie-
apologise."
"What for?" Melanie scoffs. "All I was doing was telling the truth."
"Wrong," Miss Day says with a deep scowl on her face. "You said Laura
wasn't a girl. And that is NOT true." Despite myself, I can feel a smug
grin start to spread across my face.
"Whatever," Melanie spits. "It's a free country, and if I want to think
that Laura's not a girl, then I'll think that!"
"Oh is that how it works?" I sneer. "Well then if I don't want to think
you're a female human, I'll think you're a female dog instead!"
"LAURA!" Miss Day snaps. "That is not helping!" The slender woman takes
a big sigh before continuing, while I squirm from my reprimand. "I
think both of you need to come with me to the principal's office." What
a start, I think to myself as I exchange a quiet nod with Suriya and
follow Miss Day to the college's main office.
The meeting itself lasts barely five minutes, where I hear all the
things I've heard before- the college is inclusive, transphobia has no
place and will be punished severely, not to instigate or escalate
conflicts, the stuff I've heard for the last five years. Melanie is
warned to stay away from me and I her, which includes Melanie being
kicked out of the college's dance club, which is a small win if nothing
else. However, I leave the office feeling every bit the loser, and as I
find Suriya again in the lunch hall, my cheeks burn as I feel the every
pair of eyes in the room fix on me.
"Hey Laura," Suri whispers as I try to quietly sit down next to her.
"I, umm, I got you a sandwich and a drink..."
"Ugh, thanks, but food's the last thing I want right now," I moan.
"You'd have thought it'd be different, wouldn't you? That people'd be
more grown-up about this whole thing..."
"Trust me, I know exactly what you mean," Suri sighs.
"Umm... How, exactly?" I ask, before biting my lip as my friend regards
me with an angry stare.
"Really?" Suri asks with a derisive snort. "How white do I look to you,
exactly?"
"I, umm, I don't see you as, you know, any colour," I feebly mumble in
reply.
"That's 'cause you're cool," Suri shrugs. "Lots of people aren't. God
knows how many morons have shouted 'go back to where you came from' at
me, like I can't be British just because I have brown skin. Anyone who
says that to someone else needs to be kneed- well, you know."
"Yeah, I was almost expecting it from Melanie," I snort. "Not that
you're wrong, like. Ugh... This is gonna follow me around everywhere I
go, isn't it?"
"Follow 'us'," Suri snorts. "That why we 'sisters of the excellent
eight' stick together, right?"
"Too right," I say, smiling genuinely for the first time since my run
in with Melanie. "Ahh... Even if there are only two of us here."
"Thinking about Ash?" Suri asks, making me frown.
"A bit," I reply. "Like, there was safety when it was eight of us.
Definitely didn't feel safe when Melanie and her cronies, well, you
know. Umm- no offence, Suri..."
"None taken," Suri says with a tired-sounding snort of laughter. "I
wouldn't want me as a bodyguard either."
"Ugh, and now we have to go back into class, where she'll be waiting,"
I groan. "You know... Part of me just doesn't want to go back to the
class, you know? Just, like, forget the whole thing-"
"Uh-uh," Suri says, shaking her head. "You are not walking away from
this, Laura! Like you said, you'll have to deal with this wherever you
go, so where else are you going to go?"
"I- ugh, I dunno," I moan as my head slumps forward onto the table.
"Don't even really have the option of being a nun, heh."
"Just go in there with your held head high, like you've always done,"
Suri advises me. "Be the Laura I know and love. If you can stand up to
Sam Reid then Melanie is NOTHING."
"...You're right," I say, taking a deep breath to compose myself.
"Too right I am!" Suri giggles. "And I've got your back, of course."
"Thanks," I say with a nervous giggle as I think back to all the times
that I faced the same kind of adversity I faced today, but was able to
rise above it. For most of my first year at secondary school, Harriet
seemed determined to make my life a misery, but now I can't imagine her
not being my friend. Mia became my friend after a brief, half-hearted
attempt to bully me. She's now one of my best friends as well. Okay,
there are some (like the aforementioned Sam Reid) who didn't end up as
my friends. But they're in my past. So Melanie and her morons have one
simple choice: get with the program, or get in the past, where they
belong.
However, saying this to myself doesn't stop my knees from trembling as
we head back to our class, especially as all the people in the class
lock their eyes on me the second I walk through the door. A quick kick
in my ankle from Suri (she knows better than to touch my back) reminds
me of her advice from lunch, and despite my nerves, I hold my head up
high and stroll calmly toward my desk, willing my cheeks to stop
burning with every step I take.
"...What?" I ask with a derisive snort after Suri and I sit down.
"Never seen a transgendered girl before?" Naturally, this makes the
already awkward silence in the room almost deafening.
"So- so, umm, it's umm, true?" One of the boys in the class, a shorter
kid named Rory, asks, making me sigh loudly.
"...Yes," I say, grimacing as this answer triggers murmurs all around
the room. "I used to be male. USED. TO. BE. As in 'not anymore'. God...
And how many of you claimed to be fans of the Angels when I told you I
went to Krystie Fullerton's dance school? How many members of the
Angels are also transgendered?"
"Yeah, but they've both, you know, been, like, 'done'," a classmate
named Sasha, who I immediately recognise as one of Melanie's posse,
sneers.
"Yeah, and if I could be, I would," I retort. "Not my fault I have to
wait until I'm eighteen..."
"Why didn't you, you know, tell us?" Another classmate, a girl named
Kara (who wasn't part of Melanie's posse, and actually seems disgusted
by their actions) asks.
"Why should I?" I shrug. "What business is it of anyone else? I am a
girl. Just because I wasn't born that way, just because I haven't had
an operation, doesn't make that any less the case. It's 2018, not the
nineteenth century. Get with the program already." I allow myself a
small, smug smile as this silences the room, effectively ending the
conversation. My smile falters, however, as I realise that everywhere I
go, whether it's for work or for fun, I'm going to have this exact same
conversation, will have to 'explain myself' every time I'm part of a
new group of people. And for the next two years, I'm going to face the
same prejudice and discrimination I faced all throughout school. My
parents (okay, technically they're my mum and my soon-to-be stepdad)
keep telling me I should enjoy being a kid while I can and not be in so
much rush to grow up. Bet they wouldn't be saying that if they saw what
I've had to put up with today...
Fortunately, before I face any further grilling, Mr. Irwin arrives, and
by the stern look on his face, it's clear he heard about what happened
at lunchtime.
"Good afternoon," Mr. Irwin says in a quiet, serious voice. "Before we
start, I've been made aware of an incident that happened this
lunchtime." I feel my cheeks flush again as I sink lower in my seat. I
don't even need to look at my classmates to know they're all staring at
me... "I shouldn't need to say this," Mr. Irwin continues, "but I will
anyway: discrimination and bullying of any kind, whether it's racial,
homophobic, or transphobic- or, umm, on the grounds of religion..."
Smooth, I think to myself. "It will not be tolerated in this college,
and anyone found to have carried out any such bullying with be dealt
with swiftly and severely. Look, guys- you're not little kids anymore.
You want to be treated as grown-ups, then you need to start acting like
grown-ups. Start thinking of this place not so much as a school, but
like a workplace. A lot of you have part-time jobs, I'm sure, and if
you even insult any of the customers or colleagues you deal with in
those jobs, you run the risk of being fired. Treat this place like your
job, because to all intents and purposes, that's what it is. And if you
think about taking your frustrations out on social media, well,
remember Jack Maynard."
"But what about freedom of speech?" Melanie shouts out, making me roll
my eyes. Much to my surprise, several others in the room roll their
eyes as well.
"Just because you're free to say whatever you want, it doesn't mean
you're free from any consequences of what you say," Mr. Irwin says.
"And it most definitely doesn't mean that anyone has to agree with you
or even listen to what you're saying. Believe me when I say it's better
you learn that lesson now, while there's less at stake." This
effectively silences the class, much to my relief, and after a simple
nod, Mr. Irwin proceeds with the afternoon's actual lesson.
Before long, the whole class is settled into the rhythm of the lesson
and I can tell from the faces of my classmates that they've quickly
forgotten about the earlier 'incident'. I, however, haven't, and even
as we leave college the confrontation with Melanie is still weighing on
my mind.
"Well, that's one day down!" Suri says as we head out into the
college's car park, wearing an enthusiastic smile on her face that I
imagine is more for my benefit than hers.
"Yep!" I say, trying (and obviously failing) to mirror my friend's good
mood.
"...Yeah," Suri grimaces. "Laura, it- ugh, I dunno. Okay, day one
didn't go as well as it could have done. But day two can't be any
worse, can it?"
"On day two at school," I remind my friend, "a bunch of idiots lifted
my skirt and tried to pull my panties down."
"Well that's not going to happen tomorrow," Suri says, sighing softly
as I frown. "Seriously, Laura. I won't let it, you know that. Besides,
it was a bunch of boys who, well, did what you said on day two of
school. That won't happen tomorrow, all the boys fancy you too much."
"Oh- yeah, right..." I snort, even though on the inside, I'm definitely
smirking at the thought of even some of the boys fancying me.
Especially the cute ones...
"Seriously, Laura, didn't you see how they were checking us out?" Suri
asks as we climb onto the back seat of her father's car. "And some of
them were HOT too!"
"Dad..." Suri's sister moans from the front seat of the car, not even
bothering to look up from her phone.
"Oh get over yourself," Suri teases the older girl. "Why aren't you
driving today, anyway?"
"Haven't got my car park pass yet," Priya replies. "And no, I am NOT
driving you when I do."
"Aww," Suri pouts. "Could've had a party wagon every morning..."
"And that's exactly why I'm not driving you," Priya retorts. "Take it
you had a good day, then?" There's a pause as Suri bites her lip and
looks at me, obviously wanting my permission to tell Priya exactly what
happened today. I let out a quiet sigh, before nodding.
"Could've been better," Suri says quietly.
"Could've been MUCH better," I snort. "Remember my first day of year
7?"
"Hell, remember YOUR first day of year 7?" Suri asks her sister, who
lets out a long, loud sigh. Priya's spoken many times about the racist
abuse she had to deal with during her first year of secondary school,
when she didn't have any of us present to help her out.
"I thought you weren't going to tell them initially about yourself,
Laura?" Priya asks.
"Yeah, well," I reply with a long, tired sigh. "Thing about having a
YouTube channel with over 20 000 subscribers where you talk about
transgender topics and experiences is that you're kinda easy to track
down online."
"If anybody hurt either of you, I shall make sure there will be legal
consequences!" Priya and Suri's father, who had up until now been
listening quietly, interjects.
"Oh- really, I'm okay Mr. Malik," I say. "I wasn't, you know,
physically hurt..."
"We were signing up for ballet club and a bunch of idiots decided to
harass Laura," Suri explains. "All girls, surprisingly."
"Meh, like you said, the boys all probably fancy Laura too much," Priya
says with a smile that's obviously meant to cheer me up, considering
her comments when we got into the car. "The girls will probably feel
threatened by you. Someone who was born male but is much hotter than
them? Got to be damaging to the ego."
"Yeah, well, I already have a boyfriend," I retort. "And I'm not in the
market for another one, certainly not any of theirs. Ugh... Guess I was
just used to the popularity I'd had- I'd EARNED in year 10 and 11."
"It's me and you against the world now," Suri chuckles as she gives me
a playful cuddle.
"Oh- no, no no no," Priya insists. "We may be at different colleges now
but it's still all eight of us against the rest of the world."
"Even the one of us who isn't at college yet?" I ask, thinking of my
fellow transgirl and how badly I'd screwed up earlier this morning.
"Even her," Priya insists. "Think we could all use a good, old-
fashioned Facebook chat session this evening to cheer us all up."
"Sounds good to me!" I say, smiling as I'm dropped off at home... Where
I have the exact same conversation again with my parents and my soon to
be stepsister. Needless to say, mum and Sean are none too happy about
what happened, and Sean, being Sean, makes the exact same threat as
Suri's father did if I suffer any further abuse. Mum, however, just has
a sad look on her face, and I immediately know why- because she, like
me, knows that everywhere new I go, I'm going to have to 'explain
myself'. Over and over and over again, right up until I'm 80 years old
and having to explain to everyone in the nursing home why I have a
slightly different bone structure to everyone else.
After dinner, I head up to my room where I lay out all the reading
material to look through, but my tablet computer soon beckons me, and
before too long, I'm engrossed in a group chat with Suri, Priya, Megan,
Nicole, Harriet and Mia. Ashley's absence from the chat does briefly
make me worry that she still holds a grudge about our botched apology
from this morning, until I'm reminded that she's probably at ballet-
and sure enough she joins the chat a little while later, her opening
message of 'hey girlies' satisfying me that all is well with her.
However, a short while into the chat, she asks a question that gives me
pause.
'Would any of you mind if I added Petra into this chat?' Ashley asks.
'Petra from my year, who was in cheer club last year? The Polish girl?'
I immediately feel myself tense up at the thought of allowing a
stranger into our private 'circle'. What little I know of Petra says
that she could probably be trusted, but the fact is I only know
extremely little about her beyond that she's friends with Ashley and
Melissa Jeffries, the 'alpha female' of their year- and what little I
know of Melissa tells me that she's a lot more like another girl whose
name begins with the letters 'Mel'.
'I dunno, Ash,' I type, biting my lip as I do so. 'I know you like her,
but she is a bit like Melissa, isn't she?'
'Isn't she also the one who's really rich?' Mia asks. 'I always thought
she was a bit stuck-up, thought she was too good to hang out with the
rest of us.' I will admit, I never got that impression myself, but I
can easily believe that Mia knows the Polish girl better than I do.
'Yeah, I don't think so, Ash,' Nicole types. 'I mean, sure we don't
mind you asking but we hardly know her?'
'What if she comes round on Saturday?' Ashley asks, making me frown-
it's not her house we're all hanging out at on Saturday, it's mine, and
I'd rather not have to explain a home invasion to mum and Sean.
'I dunno,' I reply, trying to sound at least 'diplomatic'. 'When it's
your house you can have her round obviously but I'd rather just keep it
to the eight of us if that's okay?' I bite my lip, waiting for Ash's
reply- god knows I pissed her off this morning, but hopefully this
won't annoy her further. Besides, I know she thinks of the seven of us
as closer friends than Melissa and her gang...
'OK no worries,' Ashley types, making me breathe a sigh of relief.
'Maybe next time, Ash,' Megan types with a 'smiling' emoji that the
rest of us echo. 'Anyway, you two future Oscar winners haven't told us
if you've made any new friends today?' Ugh, and there's a reason for
that, I think to myself.
'Not yet,' I type, hoping for Suri to reply as well only for it to
become clear she's waiting for me to decide whether or not to tell them
about Melanie. Fortunately, I know that there are only sympathetic ears
in this group. 'Met a total fuckwit though.'
'Ugh,' Harriet types with an 'angry' emoji. 'Let me guess- mental age
of 5?'
'More like IQ of 5?' Nicole asks making me giggle.
'It's nothing I didn't have to put up with at school,' I type. 'Just
sucks that I have to put up with it at college too.'
'You don't get it at work though, do you?' Nicole asks.
'Helps that the deputy manager of the shop is gender fluid,' I reply
with a 'smiling' emoji. 'Though she's going to uni in a few weeks so
won't be around as much.
'Meh, we still will,' Megan types, earning another round of 'smiling'
emojis from all eight of us. And I know, deep down, that they all will-
I just wish I had more of them at college with me...
The following morning, my alarm wakes me up at my usual time, and
despite it being my second day at college, I feel just as anxious as I
did before my first day. After applying barely half as much make-up as
I wore yesterday, I head through to my room, and unconsciously pull a
tight, knee-length pencil skirt out of my cupboard, before picking out
a tight grey turtleneck and stretching it over my head. It's only when
I try to step into the skirt that I realise just how much longer it is
than yesterday, but before I change out of it, my mind is drawn back to
my second day at secondary school, when a couple of moron boys lifted
my skirt and nearly exposed me to the whole school. I have to believe
that Melanie and her dregs wouldn't do the same thing, but still, it
wouldn't hurt to wear a skirt that made the job a lot harder...
After applying some extra finishing touches to my make-up, I grab my
bag (which contains my freshly-cleaned ballet uniform) and my phone and
head down to mum's car, where she and Lily are all ready and waiting
for my arrival.
"You okay?" Mum asks, a look of genuine concern on her face.
"Yeah, I'll be fine," I sigh. "Just kinda not looking forward to today
after yesterday, heh."
"That's understandable," mum says softly. "And also sad, considering
how much you were looking forward to drama college."
"Only the 'drama' that happens on an actual stage," I snort, taking my
phone out of my bag and checking the notifications I've received
overnight- mostly new comments on Instagram or YouTube.
"You don't need me to remind you how tough you found secondary school
at first," mum reminds me. "And you settled in there quickly, made new
friends... The first day, if I recall correctly, Megan was the only one
you knew, right? Same as Suriya was yesterday. But you built up a gang
soon enough."
"Yeah, but I bet Lily didn't have as tough a first day, did you, Lily?"
I ask my soon to be stepsister.
"I was still nervous," Lily replies. "And I know a couple of girls who
did have it tough, there's a girl in my form called Daisy who has an
illness called something palsy, she has to walk with a crutch and has
real difficulty speaking clearly. A lot of kids laughed at her when she
spoke."
"I hope you weren't one of them, Lily?" Mum asks.
"No," Lily replies. "In fact, she's sitting with us at your old table
at break and lunch."
"Good to hear you're treating that table well," I say. "Where's Ashley
sitting, then?"
"Bryony's sister?" Lily asks. "Somewhere else with her friends. I think
Ariadna's sister sits with her too." And with Melissa Jeffries, which
definitely justifies my decision last night, I think to myself. "She
got some teasing for her accent too, even though she was telling us
that she is legally British."
"Can thank Nigel bloody Farage for that," mum snorts as I roll my eyes
and turn my attention back to my phone. When I open up Facebook
messenger to check for any missed messages, I get the shock of my life
and nearly leap out of my seat when I discover I did get another
message yesterday evening- a very special message, in fact, from a very
special friend.
'Hey Laura,' the message receives. 'I know it's a bit short notice but
we're having a little party tonight to celebrate 'new beginnings' and
figured you starting college was a new beginning worth celebrating.
Message me back when you get this, okay?' The message by itself is
exciting enough- any invitation to a party is welcome- but it's the
identity of the sender that's most exciting.
"Oh. My. God," I exclaim as I read and re-read the message.
"What's up?" Mum asks, obviously concerned by my sudden outburst.
"Oh- oh, nothing," I say, putting my acting skills to the test as I try
to sound nonchalant. "Just got invited to a party last night by Jamie-
Lee Burke, that's all."
"Aww, what?" Lily groans. "And you're only seeing the message now?"
"It must've got buried in all the other notifications," I sigh as I
start composing a reply to the most famous transwoman in the country.
"That's probably for the best," mum says. "You'd have had a hard time
trying to convince me to let you go to it!"
"Oh- ugh, whatever," I sigh as mum chuckles smugly. "Even after my bad
day? When I needed cheering up?"
"Just getting that message has cheered you up, hasn't it?" Mum asks.
"Well- yep, guess it has, hehe!" I'm forced to concede as I press
'send' on my reply.
'Hi Jamie,' my message reads. 'SO sorry I didn't see this message
yesterday, was all caught up with college stuff lol. Maybe next time?'
After I send the message, I don't think any more of it, only to nearly
drop my phone seconds later when I see that Jamie's typing out a reply.
'Sure thing,' Jamie types with a 'smiling' emoji. 'Things got a little
bit '18+' later in the party though so I may have got in a bit of
trouble if you had come!'
'Lol,' I reply. 'Surprised you messaged back so quick, are you not
working today?'
'Got the whole day free,' Jamie replies. 'If you count 'looking after
an 18 month old' as 'free' lol. Weird not to be going to ballet on a
Wednesday morning anymore though.' I bite my lip as Jamie mentions one
of my favourite pastimes as it's also what triggered the 'Melanie
incident' from yesterday.
'Yep, I kinda miss it too,' I type.
'You're at a stage school, aren't you?' Jamie asks. 'I'd be surprised
if they didn't have a dance society, and you've got to be more than
good enough to be in it.' I guess I'm having this conversation then, I
think to myself.
'Yeah, I signed up for it,' I reply. 'Kinda led to an 'incident'
yesterday.'
'I of all people don't need to ask what the 'incident' was about do,
I?' Jamie types, to which I reply with a 'sad' emoji.
'Am I going to have to deal with this everywhere I go, throughout my
whole life?' I ask.
'I wish I could tell you no,' Jamie replies. 'That's the problem with
transphobia, it's a disease that gets everywhere. That's why we sadly
still need safe spaces like the party last night. But you do have
friends and family, and you can definitely count me as a friend. If you
need to talk Laura, all you need to do is ask. Seriously.'
'Thanks, Jamie,' I reply with a 'smiling' emoji of my own.
'Now get to college and get learning!' Jamie orders. 'If they ever make
a biopic of my life I know who I want in the lead role, lol!'
'Yes ma'am!' I reply with a winking emoji as the car pulls up outside
college, forcing me to sign out of messenger as I grab my bag and head
into college.
As I step through the front door, the first thing I notice is that I'm
here before Suri, meaning I get to hang around in the foyer while I
wait for her. The second thing I notice is that like yesterday
afternoon, virtually every pair of eyes in the college at least glances
in my direction as they pass me. However, unlike yesterday afternoon, I
keep my head held high and a smile on my face. After all, how many of
them had a Facebook chat with a national celebrity before college
today?
"Hey Laura," Suri says in a cautious voice as she greets me with a
gentle hug. "You came back, then?"
"I want to be an actress," I shrug. "Got to learn how to do that, and
this is a drama college, isn't it?"
"Hell yeah it is!" Suri chuckles as we head to our class. "Glad to see
some of the REAL Laura coming through, hehe!"
"Yeah, true," I say, before purposely raising my voice for the next
part of my sentence. "Chatting with one of the Angels this morning does
kinda cheer you up, heh." I smirk as the eyes that had been looking in
my direction suddenly widen, and my mirth grows as I realise that one
of those pairs of eyes belongs to Melanie.
"Good morning everyone," Mr. Irwin says as we all enter the classroom
and take our seats. "Today, we're going to start actually doing some
work! I trust you've all made a start on Later That Night?" The class,
myself included, murmur in agreement. "Good! I'm going to split you
into groups of 4 to begin with, I want you to read through the first
scene together, get a feel for the characters and what emotions they
might be feeling during that scene. I'm going to split these groups
into 2 boys and 2 girls- I trust that won't be a problem?" No prizes
for guessing who that question's directed to, I think to myself, and
even though I feel several pairs of eyes stare in my direction, there
isn't any dissent. More surprising is that Suri's eyes are pointing
straight in Melanie's direction...
Mr. Irwin spends the next couple of minutes splitting us randomly into
groups of 4. Though how 'random' this is is anyone's guess, as while I
end up with 2 boys and a girl who seem friendly enough, Suri ends up
sat with Melanie- and neither girl looks happy with that particular
arrangement. The three students I'm with, though, look considerably
happier to see me.
"Hey everyone," the other girl, whose name I learned yesterday was
Tara, says with a grin. "So, I'm Tara, just in case you didn't remember
from yesterday, hehe!"
"I'm Jack," the taller (and cuter) of the two boys says in a deep,
masculine voice that would make my knees tremble if I didn't already
have a boyfriend.
"Lucas," the shorter (even shorter than me, but still fairly
attractive) of the two boys says. I bite my lip as the three teenagers
look expectantly in my direction.
"...Laura," I say, before letting out a long sigh. "Though I'm guessing
you may already know that."
"Ugh, yeah," Tara says, before her eyes widen as she realises what
she'd just implied. "Oh- umm, I didn't mean any offence to you,
Laura..."
"Yeah, same here..." Jack grimaces. "Melanie- she, umm, kinda went to
my secondary school. She was always, you know, stuck up..."
"It's- umm, can we, you know, not talk about this?" I ask. "Can we just
accept that I'm a girl, end of story, and get on with it, please?" Way
to make new friends, Laura, I think to myself.
"Umm, okay..." Tara says, clearly taken aback by my sudden hostility.
"If- if that's what you want," Lucas mumbles. "You know, umm, if you do
want to talk-"
"I-" I snap back, before sighing. "...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, you
know, bite your heads off... It's kinda a sensitive subject, you know?"
"I can kinda imagine," Lucas says quietly. "...Sorry."
"S'okay," I shrug as we get out our books and start reading through the
scene as instructed.
That particular topic of conversation doesn't crop up again for the
rest of the morning, thanks in no small part to Tara wanting to assert
herself as the 'leader' of our group (something I have no problem with,
given the circumstances). However, I still feel awkward as we run
through the scene, especially when we swap characters. By way of
explanation, the scene contains two boys and two girls, with Jack and
Lucas alternating between the boy characters, and me and Tara
alternating between the girl characters. Even though no one says
anything, I know what's going through everyone's mind when Tara says
'the girls will play the girls and the boys will play the boys'.
After a long discussion of the scene in question, which includes four
students (though thankfully, not me) acting it out, we break for lunch,
and it's clear that three hours with Melanie as made Suri as frazzled
as I am.
"Fun morning, then?" I ask my petite friend, who loudly and
dramatically sighs in response.
"Gawd," Suri groans. "She is such a pain in the arse, you know? I mean,
she didn't say anything, but still- ugh. Dunno if it was because she
was still embarrassed from being told off, or- well..."
"Ugh, bet it's the latter," I snort as we grab our lunch and sit down
at a free table. "I- I dunno, Suri... I mean, god knows I've had to put
up with a lot, right? I mean, A LOT. One moron like Melanie- she should
be nothing, just- ugh. Wish I didn't get so worked up over things..."
"Dunno if I'm being sexist by saying this," Suri says, "but you
wouldn't be a girl if you didn't."
"...Yeah, I dunno if you're being sexist either," I say, before
breaking down in a much needed fit of giggles. "Ahh... I dunno. Maybe
I'm just stressing out over nothing, you know? Morons come, morons go,
whatever."
"You just wish they'd do more 'going' than 'coming'?" Suri asks, making
me giggle again at the double entendre.
"Meh, maybe it'll get better once I'm post-op, I dunno," I shrug,
before involuntarily tensing up as two figures approach our table
carrying lunch trays. When I see who the two people are, however, I
instantly relax.
"Umm, hey," Lucas says with a nervous wave. "Mind- do you, umm, mind if
we sit here?"
"Sure," I shrug, smirking as he and Jack sit down opposite us. "I
suppose I'd better do the introductions, guys, this is Suri, Suri, meet
Jack and Lucas."
"Hi boys," Suri says with a friendly smile.
"Hi," Jack and Lucas reply with much more nervous-looking smiles.
"So," I say, my confidence rapidly returning in the presence of two
good-looking boys, "what's up with you guys?"
"Oh, just- just wanted to check that you two were alright," Jack
shrugs, forcing Suri and I to suppress a giggle as we exchange a
knowing glance with each other.
"Ooh, our knights in shining- well, t-shirts, hehe!" Suri giggles as
the two boys blush. "But really, we're fine. Just some, you know, first
week nerves, that sort of thing."
"There's usually eight of us," I explain. "Five have gone to other
colleges, one's still in secondary school."
"Yeah, I know," Jack chuckles nervously. "I, um, I found your Instagram
last night, heh."
"Aww, another follower!" I giggle. "Always good to know, hehe!"
"Same here," Lucas mumbles, both boys' cheeks reddening as mine and
Suri's grins widen further.
"Sweet!" I giggle. "Is it just me you're stalking, or are you following
Suri as well?"
"Oh, I, umm, followed a few of the, umm, girls on the course..." Lucas
says, trailing off as he realises he's just digging himself a deeper
hole. "And, umm, Facebook friend requests..." By now, the poor boy's
cheeks can probably be seen a mile away.
"It's okay, I was gonna do the same thing this weekend," I reassure the
young man. "Well, for some of the class, anyway."
"No prizes for guessing who's not on the list," Jack snorts.
"Ugh, yeah," Suri snorts. "I was sat with her when we went through
Later That Night. If she was any further up her own arse she'd have two
mouths or something, I dunno."
"I went to school with her, she was always like that," Jack says as I
chuckle along, though as I do, I can't help but wonder whether or not
Melanie is doing the exact same thing- gossiping about me with her
friends, putting me down behind my back. After yesterday, there's no
chance she ISN'T doing this, and I have to wonder if my doing the same
thing means I've stooped to her level...
"Guys," I say softly. "Can we- can we change the topic, please? Really
don't want to even THINK about her."
"God knows it's putting me off my lunch," Suri chuckles, before
grimacing as I flash her a stern stare. "Um, okay... So, umm, you guys-
you guys known each other long?"
"Only met today," Jack shrugged.
"Yeah, no one else from my school came here, so, well, yeah," Lucas
shrugs.
"Same here," Jack says. "Well, apart from- never mind." I bite my lip
as I smile and nod, grateful to Jack for not bringing up my new
'nemesis' again.
"And, of course, we've been sat together since the start of year 7,"
Suri says, making both of us giggle.
"Literally since minute one of the first form time of the first day of
year 7," I confirm, and while I see Lucas smile, Jack has an awkward
look on his face.
"So- so were you, back then..." Jack stammers, and it's suddenly my
turn to feel awkward.
"Yep," I reply in a voice barely above a whisper. "I assume you mean,
umm, transitioning, right?" I smile awkwardly as Jack nods. "Started
transitioning when I was eleven. Haven't looked back since."
"Yeah, I kinda already, umm, knew that," Lucas mumbles with a shy
smile.
"...Just how far down my Instagram page did you go?" I tease, giggling
as the boy blushes.
"I, umm, googled the name 'Laura White' and 'transgender'," Lucas
explains. "I found a few articles online, about, umm, you and your dad-
"
"THAT is not a topic of conversation either," I snap as I feel my
entire body tense up. Even though it's been four years- a quarter of my
life- the mere mention of the nightmare I went through is enough to
make my whole body feel like it's about to catch fire.
"Umm- sorry..." Lucas mumbles, clearly shocked by my outburst.
"I- I'm sorry," I say, sighing and shaking my head as I try to get rid
of some of my tension. "I'm not that hungry anymore, I'll see you guys
back in class, okay?"
"Umm, sure," Jack says as I get up and leave my half-eaten lunch at the
table, while Lucas looks almost like he's about to burst into tears.
I take several deep breaths to compose myself as I try to sneak out of
the cafeteria unnoticed, before making a beeline straight for the
ladies' room. I'm only in there a few seconds before the door opens and
Suri's petite form walks through it with a look of extreme concern on
her face.
"Laura?" Suri asks. "Are- are you okay?" I let out a long sigh in
reply, which quickly turns into a pained moan.
"Ugh, yeah, I'll be fine," I reply. "Just- ugh. You know bringing up-
him- is a trigger for me."
"I know," Suri says, placing a comforting hand on my forearm as I
compose myself. "I'm sure Lucas was just, you know, making
conversation... I think he kinda has a crush on you, you know?" Despite
my stress, I can't help but smirk at this news- it's always flattering
to have an admirer.
"Meh, I already have a boyfriend," I shrug. "Who I'm definitely going
to demand some 'comfort' from later tonight!"
"Atta girl!" Suri giggles, which also makes me giggle. "You need some
more time?"
"Nah," I say. "I'll be okay. Should probably apologise to the boys too,
heh."
"Meh, they'll get over i-" Suri shrugs, before freezing as one of the
cubicle doors opens and, of all people, Melanie steps out. I brace
myself for yet another confrontation as the obnoxious girl stares at
the two of us emotionlessly, before turning on her heel and leaving the
toilet block in silence, a silence that lingers between myself and Suri
for several seconds after her departure.
"...God above, what next?" I groan. "Is Sam Reid in the next cubicle or
something?"
"Hey, look on the bright side," Suri says in a reassuring voice. "She
didn't say anything, she didn't do anything, and earlier this morning
you were Facebook chatting with Jamie-Lee Burke. That's a win, right?"
As much as I might want to feel sorry for myself, I'm forced to agree
with what my friend is saying, and a smile quickly returns to my face.
"Right," I say, earning a cheer from my friend as we head out of the
toilet.
"And are we or are we not going to be infinitely beautiful and talented
ballerinas a few hours from now?" Suri asks.
"Well duh, of course we are!" I reply, earning another cheer as we head
back to class.
After an afternoon filled with more reading and acting out the
morning's scene in different ways (and this time, I do act in front of
the class, but not until plenty of others have also taken their turn),
Suri and I grab our bags and, with wide grins on our faces, head toward
the college's changing rooms. It's been over three months since my last
ballet class (it was much too hot over the summer to spend hours at a
time in a dance studio, plus I was determined to make the most of the
holiday) so I feel a little out of practice, but I am determined to
prove to myself and any other doubters that I'm just as good a dancer
as I ever was- and the confrontations of the last two days have only
served to fuel my determination.
As we reach the entrance to the changing room, however, I pause, which
prompts a brief look of confusion from my petite friend before she
realises my dilemma.
"...It should be okay, you know?" Suri says in a soft, quiet voice. "No
one said anything about you going to the toilet at lunchtime, not even
you know who when she saw you in there."
"Yeah, I know," I sigh. "It's just after five years of changing in an
office, you kinda get used to being the outcast, you know?" Before Suri
has the chance to respond, our new dance teacher approaches and makes a
beeline for the two of us.
"Hello Laura, Suri," Miss Day says. "Is there a problem with the door?"
"No, just a problem with me," I sigh. "Don't think people are going to
be happy with me getting semi-naked in front of them and vice versa..."
"At- at school, Laura always had to change in the teacher's office,"
Suri explains quietly. "For PE, that sort of thing."
"That's not the case here," Miss Day says. "Your student ID says
female, and that's good enough for me. If anyone has any issue with
that they can take it up with me." Needless to say, after the last
couple of days, this sort of unconditional acceptance makes me more
than a little emotional.
"Thanks," I whisper with a genuine smile.
"Don't thank me just yet," Miss Day says with a wicked grin. "You won't
be thanking me after you see all the steps you'll be doing today!" I
grin as Suri and I head into the changing room and begin changing into
our ballet uniforms. While my presence initially causes some heads to
turn, none of the other girls protest about me changing alongside them,
instead choosing to focus on the task of tying their hair into tight
buns and fastening their dance shoes to their feet. Even better, I
don't hear any whispering or giggling either. I begin to wonder whether
or not Melanie really is the exception rather than the rule- but then I
remember that she wasn't alone yesterday. However, more than one of her
'gang' is in the room with me right now, and staying silent...
After changing into our leotards and tights, we all head through to the
college's dance studio where, as Miss Day promised, we're all put
through our paces in order for her to get a good idea of our ability. I
feel a sense of smug satisfaction when I surprise the other students
with the height of my back catch and my balance en pointe, and that
sense only increases when Miss Day announces that I'm in the half of
the class that doesn't require any remedial lessons. By the time I
change out of my uniform and back into my skirt and top, I've all but
forgotten all about Melanie's obnoxiousness and Lucas's faux pas,
though I'm still somewhat uneasy about the prospect of coming into
college tomorrow. However, I put a smile on my face as I head out into
the car park- especially when I see who's driving us home.
"Party car! Party car!" Suri and I chant as we climb onto the back seat
of the car, making its driver groan with frustration.
"If you damage anything, you're paying for it," Priya groans as she
heads out of the car park. "And thanks for both sitting in the back,
make me feel even more like your chauffeur."
"You want us up front and in your face?" Suri teases her sister.
"I'd rather you were in the boot," Priya replies, making both of us
giggle. "Take it you had a better day than yesterday, then?"
"Oh- definitely," I say. "Though the fact that we've just come from
ballet might have something to do with that. Forgotten how much I loved
it, heh."
"Totally," Suri concurs with a giggle. "And you know you miss it too,
Pri."
"That'd change quickly if I had to drive you two to it," Priya retorts.
"I dunno, heh. Good to see you two a bit happier than yesterday,
anyway."
"Mm," I reply. "I dunno. Maybe I've just got the arseholes out of the
way and over and done with first or something, you know?"
"Maybe," Priya shrugs. "I dunno. But it doesn't hurt to be positive,
does it?"
"That's true," I reply.
"The fact that Laura chatted online with Jamie-Lee Burke this morning
would make anyone positive," Suri teases, making me giggle and roll my
eyes.
"Ah," Priya giggles. "And how long was it before everyone at college
heard about that? Are we talking minutes or nanoseconds?"
"...Nanoseconds," I reply, my giggles intensifying.
"And do they know yet that your brother's going out with another
Angel?" Priya asks.
"Saving THAT one for an emergency!" I reply, earning giggles from both
of my friends as I'm driven back to my home, where I arrive a few
minutes later.
"Hi Laura," Lily says, not looking up from her videogame as I enter the
living room to discover that she's still dressed in her school uniform-
my old uniform, something that still brings a smile to my face. "Dad
and Michelle are in the kitchen, think they've got your dinner in the
microwave."
"Good, I am STARVING," I reply. "You had a good day at school?"
"It was okay," Lily replies. "Still trying to wrap my head around it,
it's a lot bigger than my old school. Bryony and Sabrina help us out
whenever we need it though."
"Glad to hear it," I say with a grin.
"You had a good day at college?" Lily asks, making me pause as I
consider my answer.
"...Definitely better than yesterday," I reply as I head into the
kitchen to discover mum and Sean doing the washing-up and my dinner
warming up in the microwave.
"Ah, hello ballerina!" Mum teases, making me sigh and roll my eyes.
"Had a good lesson?"
"Yep," I reply with a smile. "Surprised myself with how much I've
remembered having not danced in months."
"Glad to hear it," mum says. "Glad to know I won't be washing all your
dance tights for no reason! And... I hope that smile on your face means
you had a better day overall than yesterday?"
"I did," I whisper. "Question is whether or not tomorrow will be better
or worse."
"No sense in being pessimistic," Sean advises.
"Never said I was going to be," I retort with a confident smile as I
sit down to eat my dinner.
Once my stomach is full, I head up to my bedroom to do my assigned
reading ahead of tomorrow, though before I get started, I remember
Jamie's invitation from this morning. While ballet certainly made me
feel better, I'm still a little anxious about tomorrow- Melanie could
simply be biding her time, after all- and I'm certainly not going to
pass up the chance to get advice from someone like Jamie.
Setting my books aside for now, I switch on my tablet and log in to
Facebook messenger, where I'm quickly drawn into a group chat- though
not with my usual group.
'Hi Laura!' Jamie's message reads, making me giggle excitedly. 'Free to
chat?'
'Absolutely!' I reply with a grinning emoji. 'Sorry I had to cut short
the chat this morning, college etc.'
'That's okay,' Jamie replies. 'Some things are more important than
Facebook lol!'
'Lol,' I reply with a smiling emoji.
'So, how was today?' Jamie asks. 'I told Nikki and Jacinta there was an
'incident' yesterday and brought them in to offer up some advice, I
hope you don't mind?'
'I'm okay with that,' I reply with another 'smiling' emoji. 'Today was
okay, no 'incidents'. None like yesterday anyway.'
'Did something happen then?' Nikki asks, and I shudder as I remember
Lucas's words from lunchtime.
'Nothing bullying-like,' I reply. 'Just someone being a bit of a creep,
that's all. But like in a friendly way.'
'A boy?' Nikki asks.
'Yep,' I reply.
'Might want to get used to that then,' Jamie types with a winking
emoji. 'Downside of being a gorgeous girly girl is that you do get boys
hurling themselves at you from all directions.'
'That can be an upside as well at times,' Jacinta types with a winking
emoji of her own.
'Let's not corrupt our little sister?' Jamie asks, making me giggle as
Jacinta sends a 'blushing' emoji to the chat.
'Besides, I already have a boyfriend,' I type. 'Would be with him this
evening but he's got basketball practice.'
'BOY,' Jamie types with a 'giggling' emoji. 'Still, it's better than
sitting on his arse playing videogames I guess.'
'Lol,' I type.
'From what I can tell so far you didn't need to be all that concerned
after all,' Nikki types, making me frown with confusion before Jamie
explains.
'After you mentioned 'the incident',' Jamie types, 'I got kinda
worried. I mean, you're going into a new, scary place almost alone, and
you're my little sister and I feel, well, like a big sister, right?'
Despite myself, I feel a tear start to trickle down my cheek at this
message. Jamie is so rich and famous, not to mention busy a lot of the
time, that she doesn't need to bother herself with my trivial problems,
so the fact that she's taken even a minute out of her day to make sure
I'm alright is something I'm truly grateful for.
'Thanks,' I type with yet another (but still genuine) 'smiling' emoji.
'Also you're kinda trashing my mascara, so thanks for that too.' I
giggle as my joke is met with three 'Lol's.
'You're welcome,' Jamie types, her 'sticking out tongue' emoji making
me giggle loudly. 'But I am glad to see that you're less stressed out.'
'And you're not the only one starting somewhere new this week,' Jacinta
says. 'So I kinda know what you're going through, heh. Didn't even have
my BFF with me, but I've made new friends and I'm sure you will as
well.'
'Thanks,' I type. 'Think you put on Facebook you're working for a
magazine, aren't you?'
'X-1 magazine,' Jacinta replies.
'Think I've heard of it,' I reply.
'They do mostly fashion and fame related stuff,' Jacinta types. 'I'm
actually doing a feature about under 18 social media stars at the
moment, kinda surprised I didn't see you on the list.'
'Could you put in a good word for me?' I ask with a winking emoji of my
own, prompting 'Lol's from the other three women.
'No promises,' Jacinta replies, making me giggle.
'Still gutted I missed the party though,' I type. 'Even if it'd have
been an almost impossible sell for my mum.'
'There will be others, I guarantee it,' Nikki types. 'Doubt your mum
would let you go to Jamie's birthday 2 weeks from now though.'
'Maybe in 2020?' I ask with a 'winking' emoji.
'You'd better come then,' Jamie types with a 'sticking out tongue'
emoji. 'Your birthday's November, isn't it?'
'Yep, the 15th,' I reply. 'Dunno what I'll be doing yet. 17's a boring
birthday, you can't go out and get drunk, then again I can't when I'm
18 as I'm one of the oldest of my friends anyway.'
'I'll have a think of something and get back to you with some ideas,'
Nikki types with a 'smiling' emoji. 'Sure I can think of something fun
and 'appropriate' lol.'
'Thanks,' I type.
'Nikki's parties are awesome even when there's no alcohol involved,'
Jacinta types. 'They're also awesome with alcohol involved, you just
remember less of it.' Needless to say, this makes me giggle
uncontrollably and almost makes me drop my tablet!
'Lmao!' I type as I relax back onto my bed.
The conversation lasts for another hour, during which the three women
offer helpful advice about their experiences as transwomen in
unfamiliar surroundings, and reassure me that I'm far from the first
girl who's felt stressed out about such things. I'm also reminded of
the most important lesson of all- that you can never have too many
friends, but also that true friends will always support you when you
need them. Eventually, though, my homework grows more and more pressing
and I'm forced to say goodbye to my friends, but as I go to bed, I feel
more and more positive about the rest of the week.
The next morning, I wake up at my usual time, and feeling emboldened by
last night's group chat, I apply the same amount of make-up I wore on
Tuesday, before returning to my bedroom to pick out one of my preferred
short mid-thigh skirts to wear to college, along with a clingy, more
low-cut top than yesterday's turtleneck and a pair of wedges with a 2"
heel. As I inspect myself in my bedroom mirror, I realise that there
really is no reason for me not to feel confident. So what if the
contents of my pants are different from other girls? I am young,
beautiful and talented. And if Melanie or her morons can't handle that,
that's their problem.
As mum's car pulls up outside my college, I take several deep breaths
to steel myself for the day ahead, and after stepping out of the car
(and subconsciously trying to yank down the hem of my skirt) I head
into the college foyer, where thankfully, my petite Indian friend is
waiting for me.
"Hey Laura," Suri says. "I take it from the amount of leg on display
you're feeling better, then?"
"Definitely," I reply. "Well- hopefully, anyway. I had a LONG chat with
Jamie last night, it helped a lot."
"What did she say?" Suri asks.
"That I should just be myself, 'cause that's not a bad thing to be," I
reply.
"Damn right," Suri giggles. "I also notice you didn't feel the need to
announce it to everyone today."
"Meh," I reply. "The whole college probably knows who I am by now,
which means they probably know about my connection to Jamie." I briefly
consider announcing (as Suri would probably put it) my connection to
Alice via my brother, but I decide instead that that is better saved
for another day, when- or rather, if I need it. Even if it would be
pointlessly showing off...
"Eh, I'd still probably be shouting it from the rooftops," Suri says,
making me giggle before freezing in place as our path is suddenly
blocked by the one person I least wanted to talk to today- or, indeed,
ever.
"Laura," Melanie says in a quiet and oddly non-confrontational voice.
"...Melanie," I reply coldly. "...Going to let me past?"
"I-" Melanie says, gritting her teeth and taking a deep breath before
continuing. "I- I wanted to say I'm s- sorry for what I said on
Tuesday. It was transphobic, which is a type of bigotry, and I
shouldn't have said it." I freeze in shock as Melanie finishes her
speech. Unlike the apology she was forced to give by the principal,
this is very clearly a genuine apology, or at least a decent attempt at
one. Either she's genuinely remorseful, or just wants there to be no
animosity between us. Either way, it's a step forward, and one I don't
intend to dismiss.
"Apology accepted," I say quietly. "Can- umm, shall we- shall we agree
to, umm, stay out of each other's way?"
"Probably for the best," Melanie says, before walking away as I nod,
before turning to Suri with a look of utter bewilderment on my face.
"Did- did that just really happen?" I ask my petite friend.
"Remind me to buy a lottery ticket on the way home," Suri chuckles as
we head to class, where before I sit down, I head over to the desk of
the two friends I made- or rather, nearly made- yesterday.
"Hey you two," I say quietly to Jack and Lucas, distracting them from
their conversation about football. "I- I'm sorry if I bit your head off
yesterday, I mean, you know, at lunch... You kinda- kinda hit a REALLY
sensitive topic for me, but it's no excuse to snap at you, so, well,
I'm, you know, sorry."
"No- no, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up," Lucas says.
"Should've known I shouldn't have talked about it, and I promise I
won't do again. So, umm... Friends?" I smile as Lucas awkwardly extends
a hand for me to shake.
"...I'd like that," I say, shaking Lucas's hand before giving the tense
boy a gentle hug. "You can never have too many, right?"
"Right!" Lucas giggles, smiling like he'd won the lottery as he sits
down next to his friend, whose hand I also shake (and who would've got
a hug if the BOY had stood up as well).
"I think today's going to be a good day," I say to Suri as Mr. Irwin
arrives to start the class.
And indeed, it did prove to be good day, not least because after
college, I spent a good part of the afternoon swapping saliva with my
tall, sexy boyfriend! But even if I hadn't met with Kain after college,
I'd still have ended the day happy. After Tuesday I was ready to write
not just college but the whole of the rest of my life off as a bad
idea, but Melanie's example proved to me that not everyone is a waste
of skin, that sometimes, people can change. Okay, there are some- like
my so-called 'father'- who are beyond redemption, but those people are
no longer a part of my life. I'm only interested in people who are a
positive influence in my life now. And I'm looking forward to seeing
how many I'll meet over the next two years...