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Mom's Girl Redux by Elizabeth Joanne Author's note: It has been a long time since I originally posted the beginnings of my coming out to my Mother and her acceptance of her new daughter. I apologize for the gap however life seems to have a way of interfering with the best of intentions. I may get back to that story eventually bit only time will tell there. My life has changed dramatically over time so I am picking up at a later point. It was a time of joy yet fraught with fear. It was a major turning point in my life and I proceed from there. I do want to thank all of you who commented on my previous chapters and I hope this reaches at least one individual struggling with this curse of gender dysphoria and help them to see that the light at the end of the tunnel is not always the oncoming train. Many things have changed in my life since that first fateful weekend back in 1988. Most have been good but there have been some tough times as well. I find myself now with more time on my hands for a variety of reasons and looking back over my life and the significant events. Family circumstances have recently changed and in many ways further complicating my life as I feel an obligation there. All of this has led me to look back and try to put into words some of this. If you are looking for detailed descriptions of dressing, forced feminization, or orgy like sex scenes go elsewhere because you will not find that here. Yes there may be references and perhaps a bit deeper but that is not why I am writing this. Instead this is a journal of sorts put together from diaries I have kept over the years and is more about addressing thoughts, emotions, and interactions as I found my way to me. I am picking up my story just about 16 years to the day where Mom's Girl started as it was the beginning of a life changing event for me. Faced with choices and decisions that would affect me as well as others for the rest of my life I went forward into the unknown of the future. I have never been one to look back and Monday morning quarterback but in my heart I know I made the right choices. For some it may be helpful to go back and read or reread if the case may be my earlier postings although it is not truly necessary as this should stand entirely by itself. Enjoy and as always your comments are welcome. Chapter One Well all the rumors were true I thought to myself as I walked in the door of my condo and tossed my car keys onto the table by the door. I hung my sport coat and tie on the clothes tree and headed straight to the liquor cabinet and poured myself a healthy double, I kicked off my shoes and plopped down in my favorite chair and turned on the news. I stared at the screen but I am not sure I heard a word they were saying as I thought about what was going to happen next. As I sipped on the whiskey I thought about how I had first heard the rumors about consolidation in the industry. I worked for a small speciality manufacturer in a much a larger industry. We were a small group and I knew most of my competitors and there had been rumors about some of the larger companies swallowing up the smaller ones but somehow like everyone I never figured my company would never be part of that. If anything we would be the shark, not the bait. Sure our sales had fallen like everyone's but the German concern that owned us was financial stable and we had not fallen as far or as hard as others did. The worst possible scenario however was confirmed this afternoon in an all company meeting that the division I worked for since I got out of college had been sold to a competitor and there would be a meeting in 2 weeks where the details would be laid out to all of us. Now what I thought to myself. Sure I was the top salesman and had been for years and was very handsomely compensated. I lived well and with my travel schedule I lived more on an expense account than anything and had savings but I am only 50 years old, well OK I will be 51 next week, and far from retirement. Sure I had many times I had thought about going in and telling them to take my job and stick it where the sun don't shine but who doesn't think that at one time or another? In reality I liked my job. Oh well, maybe things will become clearer in two weeks when the new owners talk to us. Besides I have next week off and headed out to see Mom. Ever since I had come out to Mom 16 years ago and we spent that first weekend together as mother and daughter we had grown closer and closer. It was tradition now that I took time off around my birthday so we could celebrate. When I talked with her earlier this week she had teased me about being 16 years now and this was going to be Beth's Sweet 16 party. Yea right I laughed at that one, I am not sure I was ever sweet even at the tender age of 16. Better get to bed Beth as you have a lot to do tomorrow and then off to Mom's on Saturday. I was up early Friday morning and soon ready to go. I took a look in the mirror and thought to myself not too shabby for a 50 year old woman. My first stop that morning was the salon. Margo who owned the salon had become a friend over the years and helped me grow and mature appearance wise. As she weaved the extensions into my hair she kept telling me I should let my hair grow and die it more of a true blonde. She even pointed out a gray hair she found. Thankfully my natural dirty blonde shade hid it from stark view. As I sat under the dryer I had a manicure and pedicure so I was starting to look ready. Yes this was not an inexpensive visit but I am worth it I chuckled as I paid the bill. Counting tips I had already dropped over $300. My appointment had been 9:00 but it was after 12:30 as I pulled the car out of the lot. No wonder my stomach is growling! I stopped at McDonalds for a salad and a Diet Coke to satisfy my hunger. As I sat there eating I looked around. In my jeans and short sleeve sweater I looked like all the other soccer moms there. The only difference was they showed up driving minivans, not a Mustang convertible like I did. The rest of the afternoon was full of running errands like paying bills and picking up my laundry. Sure I did look at a couple of dresses at Marshall Fields after paying my bill but none of them screamed buy me so I passed. I laughed to myself as I made my way out of the store that my femme wardrobe was larger than my male wardrobe was and by quite a bit. I did stop and pick up a few pairs of pantyhose on my way out. After all those are always needed, if not now in a week or so for sure. I prefer Hanes as they make my legs look nice and have the shades I like. I did go out for dinner at a local restaurant I frequented both femme and drab. As always it was good and I had a couple glasses of wine but by 8:30 I was home in my nightgown and snuggled down. In my younger days when I was first out I would hit the local CD bars but I can't remember the last time I was at either of them. Somehow over time I had gone mainstream finding it more satisfying. Because of my size, 5'7" and 150 lbs, I passed somewhat well although I am sure there were some that "made" me but I haven't had any issues in years. Dress properly and act the part and most will give you a chance I have found out over time. I checked through my luggage yet again to make sure everything was there I would need for a week at Mom's but was in bed by 11:00. I had the news on but I was drifting off to sleep. As they droned on my mind was going in 15 different directions as I laid there halfway between awake and sleep. I was thinking of the upcoming week Mom but in the back of my mind was also the announcement at work yesterday. I had lots of questions in there but very few answers. One answer I had for sure though. There is no way this girl is moving to Buffalo! Chapter 2 I was up at my usual 6:00 even though I hadn't set the alarm. I guess 28 plus years of waking up at this time had set my body clock. My only problem was when I was on the West Coast for business. That 3 hour time change played havoc with my natural rhythm. First things first and I made my way to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. Thank God for coffee makers with timers I laughed as I poured my first cup. One thing never changed regardless of my attire or personna, I needed my caffeine in the morning! I finished that cup and grabbed a second one before heading back to the bedroom. The first thing I did was attach my breast forms to my chest. I felt the weight and pull of the D cup forms as I slid on my control panty and then my bra. I know what they say about every CD has too large of breasts but the women in my family were all full busted and if I was anything I was a Blair and that meant big boobs. Into the bathroom to do my make up and curl my now shoulder length hair. I took my time but after what Margo had taught me doing my hair it was becoming second nature, Wonder if I will ever get the courage to let it grow so I didn't need extensions for extended vacations. Not sure how they would feel at work about that but they managed to get over it eventually when I had my ears pierced, sure I did it one at a time so not to draw too much flack and I rarely wore earrings to work anymore but I loved the fact I had them for times like this. Back into the bedroom where I started to get dressed. It was supposed to be sunny today although only in the lower 60s still if I dressed properly I could put the top down on my drive. Sure I could have gone for jeans but I decided on the one denim skirt. It was not that short, just above my knees, or that tight but I looked pretty good in it once I properly cinched and padded. My heavy red cable knit turtleneck sweater finished the outfit. After I slid into the red flats I brushed out my hair and took a look at myself in the full length mirror on the closet door. Not too shabby for an old lady Beth. By now my curling iron was cool so I finished packing up a few toiletries and my make up. After the car was loaded I stopped for breakfast at a local restaurant, figuring I would skip lunch. Seems like I have put a few pounds recently so that will probably help either that or I am going to have to get a tighter cincher. I filled up the car, dropped the top, and off I went. As I cruised along the highway I thought about how if this were my "brother" he would be pushing 80 with the 70 speed limit yet here I was with the cruise control set at 70 just enjoying the ride. There is a definite difference between my 2 sides and to be totally honest I liked Beth's side better. The drive took its usual 2 1/2 hours across the state and with the leaves starting to turn color it was a pretty one. I know more than one trucker took their time passing me as they looked down at the dippy dirty blonde with the top down. I have to admit it does a girl's ego good but there was no way I was going to become a lot lizard. Sure I enjoyed the company of a gentleman from time to time but I do have my standards. The least you can is buy me a couple of drinks if you expect something from this girl. It took about 15 minutes from the time I got off the expressway before I was pulling into Mom's driveway. I put the top up, grabbed my purse, and headed to the door. I was surprised to see Mom still in her robe and nightgown as it was close to 1:00 by now. I teased her about a sleep over guest as I gave her a hug and judging by the shade of red she turned I may have been right. I decided not to push the issue and as she went to get dressed I brought in my luggage and got settled into the guest suite I always used when I was there. She opened a bottle of wine and we sat on the deck watching the waves roll in and caught each other up on what had been going on. I did tell her of the bomb they dropped at work and she teased me that should I end up unemployed Beth's room was always there. That made me chuckle but deep inside the reality of it gave me shivers. We ended up just ordering a pizza for dinner and talked the night away until we both retired to our respective bedrooms around 11 PM. As I laid there I thought about my future and what was I going to do if they didn't offer me a job. I sure wasn't going to move to Buffalo but I had a solid reputation in the industry so someone will offer me a job. Yes the traveling was starting to take its toll on me and I would like something where I didn't have to keep a suitcase packed and the phone calls at 3 in the morning. Still it was part of what made me successful and what my customers had come to expect. I am too young to retire and although my condo was almost paid for, I had less than 6 months left on my mortgage, I have other bills. Forget about all that Beth and enjoy the time off. You will know more in a couple of weeks. I had never been much for church but Mom was so I was up early and half dressed with my robe over my bra and panties Sunday morning when Mom came into the kitchen. Like me she "needs" her morning coffee. We had a cup before we went to get dressed for mass. She liked the dress I had chosen for this morning. I told her it was tough to find dresses that fit on top for us bigger girls yet still fit at the waist and hips and she laughed and said welcome to my world of being chesty. Sure the mass was nice but the fact my cousin Nancy was there as was Aunt Mary made it nicer. The 4 of us went to brunch after mass. Mom and Aunt Mary left so Nancy and I took off and found a local pub and ordered a bottle of wine. I told Nancy about all that was going on and she seemed shocked I was so troubled about what was going on. "I always figured that someday you would just screw it all and become Beth all the time," she smiled. "You seem so comfortable like this and to be honest if I didn't know I would never think of you as anything but a female from birth." "I have to admit that has crossed my mind more than once," I said. "I even started back into therapy about all of that and well we have discussed that option more than once." "So what's stopping you?" Nancy asked. "I guess I am a little scared," I sighed. "It is a big step and I am not that young anymore but not old enough to retire. Guess I am kind of stuck." "Not really, you have always made good money and unless you have blown it all on clothes and wine you could do it," she replied. "Well I did buy a couple of new bras a few weeks back and good comfy ones are not cheap," I laughed. "Tell me about it," she laughed. "I pretty much stick to Wacoal bras and those are $40 apiece but I am worth it." "Still I am a long ways from retiring so what do I do for money?" "Do what the rest of us do Beth, get a job!" she laughed. "You could always come to work for me, Now that both Courtney and Shannon are away at college I have been looking for someone I can trust at the store." "And what the hell do I know about souvenirs and knickknacks?" "That I can teach you, besides I know your mother would be happy if you were to move out here," Nancy said. "I would say you could stay with me but I have my own Mother moving in with me as she is getting up there in age. Your mom is as well but whether she wants to admit it or not she is slowing down and I am sure you could move in with her." "As Beth or Dave?" "I think she would welcome either but if she had her choice I would bet she would say Beth." "All nice to think about but not sure I am ready for all of that.' I sighed. "I understand Beth, just something to think about." Nancy and I ended up spending the whole afternoon together and although she never mentioned it directly she made it obvious what her thoughts were about my future. I didn't say anything to Mom that evening about what Nancy and I had talked about still it weighed on me. Yes there was a part of me that had thought about all of this before and Dr. Wagner and I had discussed it as well but there is that fear of the unknown. What was going to happen at work? Would I be happy as Beth 24/7? Was I really ready for all of this? Needless to say I slept like crap that night. Chapter 3 Tuesday of that week was my 51st birthday and Mom took me to dinner at a very nice restaurant. She invited Aunt Mary and Nancy to join us and it was a nice evening. They all had lovely gifts for me, Mom's gift was a beautiful pair of diamond drop earrings. I told her they were way too expensive and she joked every girl should get diamond earrings for her Sweet 16. The conversation was lively that night however the subject of what was going at work for me never came up at the table. Nancy did ask if I had given more thought to all of it when it was just the two of us in the powder room. I lied and told her no. The truth was I had and while I had lots of questions the thought of all it was exciting but probably not in the cards. The rest of the week with Mom was fun but I kept my situation to myself. Yes it weighed on me and I know it was affecting my sleep but I really didn't want to burden Mom with all of that. Yes we had gotten close over these past years but way back when I was 18 I went away college and never looked back. I had pretty much be on my own ever since then. Why after all these years should the situation be any different? Yes I may have to make a few adjustments in my life but I have done that before. I thought I had pretty much hidden all of this from Mom. That is until that Saturday evening as we were having dinner and I yawned. "Am I boring you Elizabeth?" Mom asked half jokingly. "Not at all," I said. "Just haven't been sleeping well." "Is that mattress wearing out? I will get new one before you come back for Thanksgiving," she said. "Or would you like to go with me so you can pick out what you like?" "The mattress s fine. Its nothing like that Mom," I smiled. "Just a lot on my mind." "Maybe I can help," she said. "What's got you not sleeping?" "I ah, well ah, never mind," I said hoping she would drop it. "Don't do that to me Elizabeth," she said as I saw tears welling up. "I know we had a long period when we were not close but I thought over these past years we had built a good bond." "We have a great relationship," I said as I got up and have her a hug. "I can work through it like I always do." "Elizabeth maybe you don't realize it but you are really all I have." she sobbed. "I know we had our times but I don't think you realize that was more your father than me. He thought it would make you stronger and it did. Yes when you first told me about everything I wasn't the most receptive but I came to understand you are my flesh and blood and I love you whether you are my son or my daughter. I just want to help." "OK Mom." I said as I hugged her tight. I gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Let's clean up the kitchen and open a bottle of wine, I have a feeling this may go a little easier for me that way." "The kitchen will wait," she said. "Open a bottle of wine and get some glasses while I go check my make up." "Sure Mom," I said as I gave her a kiss on the cheek. I opened a nice bottle of California Cabernet and grabbed two glasses. By the time I got to the living room Mom was already there so I poured us each a glass and sat down in the easy chair across from her. Over the next hour I told her about what was going on at work and the like. Finally I told her of what Nancy said. "I am not sure how you feel about that Elizabeth but that makes a lot of sense to me," she smiled. "How so Mom?" "Well first off you seem to be seem so at ease as Elizabeth, much more so than I ever remember you being. You seem to embrace being a woman and enjoy it immensely," she smiled. "I do and to be honest the thought of saying to hell with it all and go full time has crossed my mind before but I don't know about a lot of things if I did that." "Such as?" she asked. "Well first off how would I support myself? The industry I am in is to be kind is mostly full of macho jerks and even though I have a pedigree once I change they would all think I was well just a bimbo to be polite," I sighed. "Then there is the situation of where to live. Not sure how my neighbors would react and ..." "And they haven't seen Elizabeth before?" she interrupted me. "Well I am sure they have but it is one thing to dash in and out but all the time, well I just don't know." "So move and get a new job," she said. "Its not all that simple," I sighed. "I want you to sit back and think for a second Elizabeth," she started off. "I think even you will admit you are more at ease and yourself in a skirt than you ever were before. Also as for where to live, make a clean break from it all. This place is big enough to handle two women and you already have a job offer from Nancy." "Oh yea," I sneered. "No offense Mom but I have been making 6 figures for a number of years and I should give it all up for a minimum wage job?" "Have you saved any of that money?" "Of course I have and I have some investments," I snapped back. "I may not be as well off as you are but I am definitely comfortable." "Yes I am sure you are Elizabeth," she smiled. "Like you said I am very comfortable financially and this place is paid for and I can handle all the bills and still save money every month. There is no reason I can't handle everything even with my daughter here with me." "I know Mom but you deserve to enjoy your life," I said. "Not have to support your daughter." "First off, I would love to have you here and even if you were I would still have a life to enjoy. You joked about a sleep over the day you got here and yes my current gentleman had spent the night and before you ask, yes we did, Yes he may not being staying over should you move in here but that wouldn't stop me from staying with him on occasion so you can see I would still have a life. I have my friends and I would still have that. I would hope you would make friends here and hopefully find a gentleman for yourself," she smiled. "I ah, I don't know what to say," I said. "Before you say anything let me finish," she smiled. I nodded so she went on, "All of what I said is true but there is a selfish reason as well. I know I am not getting any younger and although I am in far better health than your Aunt Mary I know there will come a time when I shouldn't be alone and to be honest I can't think of anyone I would want better to look after me than you. I am not saying this is coming soon but it would be nice to know you will be there for me when I need it." "I will always be here for you Mom," I said as the tears rolled down my cheeks. "There is so much to all of this I don't want to make any rash decisions but I will think about all of this. Is that OK to leave it all at that right now?" "Yes it is Elizabeth," We continued to talk about all of this throughout the evening and it was well past 1AM before I climbed into bed. Hopefully I can get up for church in the morning as I know Mom will expect me to. I was probably still as confused as I had been all week but it was a different confusion. Before it was what was I going to do but how it was rather which options should I consider should the worst happen. Yes the thought of going full time was fascinating but I wanted to hear my options before I make that my only choice. I fell asleep shortly after climbing into bed that night at least satisfied should I take a step towards being a woman 24/7 I had some options available to me. Chapter 4 I did wake up Sunday morning in plenty of time for church. In spite of not getting a lot of sleep it was by far the best sleep I had all week. It was like having an option available to me told me that things would work out somehow. I was not sure how it would end up but I knew if I had to make some tough choices to make. Still I knew I would have the love and support of my Mother and others in the family. Mom made dinner Sunday and Aunt Mary and Nancy came over to join us. We all talked freely about my situation and they all made it obvious what they thought what my best option was. I have to admit there was a fascination to the idea but I was not going to make any rash decisions on anything until I know all my options. Nancy kept teasing me about being my boss and I laughed it off but the thought of it all was fascinating to be honest. I could see Mom was excited about even the remote possibility of all of this and to be honest I was a bit as well. It was a tearful good bye that Monday as I headed back home to resume my life, or better put my life as it was currently. I thought more about everything on the drive home. I felt even more sad and confused than normal that Tuesday afternoon as Margo took the extensions from my hair. I got everything settled that night and made sure my fingernails were clear of any of the red polish that had adorned them all week. As much as the past week had been fun and all that I had to go back to work. I made it through the week and Friday the new owners came in and made it very apparent they were moving the operation and over the next week they would get with the employees regarding whether they wanted to retain them or offer separation packages. I was surprised when they came up to me after the meeting and asked if we could talk in the conference room. I knew the VP that was there as he as I had butted heads with him in the field years ago. He took the management route while I had eschewed it preferring to be in the field with the customers. Somehow I could never see myself in an office 9 to 5. I was shocked when everyone left leaving just him and I in the conference room. "Sit down Dave," he said as we shook hands. "Been a while but you are looking good." "It has been a while hasn't it Mike?" I smiled. "I think it was about 8 years ago when I got that WDI job you worked so hard for." "Yes it was," he laughed. "And maybe that is why I wanted to talk to you one on one. You are highly respected and from what I have seen highly compensated." "I do OK," I smiled. "OK?" he laughed. "According to the company records you make more than the division president." "I'm worth more to the division than he is." I laughed back. "Probably true and that is what I want to talk about," he said seriously. "I want you in my team but I need you to know there are certain rules about that." "Such as?" "Well first off I doubt we would pay you as much as you have been used to, still there is no reason you couldn't still make 6 figures. Next you would no longer be more of a free lancer, you would have a formal territory. Third you would have to be a bit more mainstream. I have heard of some of your ways and to be honest those don't mesh with our corporate culture. Finally you would have to relocate at our expense to Buffalo." Is this the offer?" I asked as I picked up the papers he pushed in front of me. "It is in addition to a formal 3 year contract." "I will look it over and see how it measures up," I smiled. "I have already had a couple of head hunters calling me and to be honest I should at least hear what else is out there." "I am going to be honest we would prefer you with us rather than anyone else." "Well I weigh my options and get back to you," I answered formally. "We also have a different offer you may want to consider," he said. "And what is that?" "To be honest if we can't have you we sure don't want you out there against us," he said. "What this is in essence is a buyout offer. Yes it is full of legalize and the like and I would recommend you have a lawyer read it over but I can give it to you in a nutshell if you would like," Mike said. "I'm listening," I smiled. "In essence we will take what you have made over the last 5 years, average it and pay you out 3 times that amount spread out over the 5 years following separation. Additionally for that 5 year period we will pay your health insurance at a level equal to what you currently have," he smiled. "However there is a non compete clause for those 5 years and an additional 2 beyond that and should you compete with us in any way we are entitled to everything we have paid out and additional 20% of that amount." "Interesting offer," I smiled. "I could go for a bit of a vacation. How long do I have to decide?" "We would like to resolve everything buy the end of of the year so almost 2 months," he said. "Our goal at this time is to have everything relocated and operational by the end of the first quarter of next year so the end of the March will be the separation date for most except for those who accept offers of employment and they will expected to be relocated to Buffalo by then. Those we don't extend an offer to and have not found anything else come that date, well." "Going to be rough on a lot of them," I said as I stood up and shook his hand. "I am going to sleep on this for a bit and talk it over with a few people but I will get back to you." "Here is my private office number so call if you have any questions or decide which way you want to go." "I will." I said as I stared towards the door. "Dave?" "Yes Mike?" "I would appreciate it if you kept this between us, we are offering packages to most of the people but I will tell you yours is by far the most generous." "I understand, every man for himself." "Exactly." Even though it was barely 2:00 I grabbed my suit jacket and briefcase and headed home. Once there I sat down with a drink and read over both the offers I had just received. The one offered me the opportunity to stay in the field albeit in a very different way than I had been for a number of years now. Sure I had one of the premier packages out there but I had earned that right. On the other hand the separation offer gave me lots of options. I could take a vacation, lounge around and work on my golf game or even take that step I had talked about last weekend. Each had its benefits but also its drawbacks. This is not going to be easy decision as both offered both possibilities and drawbacks.