Actions Have Consequences Vol 4: Helen's Thoughts free porn video

Helen's Thoughts By Sarah Goodwoman Author's notes: This is another prequel to Actions Have Consequences. People have pointed out we do not have insight into what she was thinking. I hope it does help show why Helen did what she did and how it got out of control. I cannot believe that Doug would say that, but Cindy would not lie. He did have her removed from his classroom. Doug is usually so level headed, but I can tell he doesn't like Cindy. He might have done so without thinking. I will do as Cindy asked and not bring it up to him. That was so nice of her not wanting to cause strife between Doug and me. ************* Cindy is really upset about Doug calling her stupid and saying she would only be good at being a stripper. I still cannot see Doug meaning it. Cindy did point out how men do change when they get around 30. Those made me remember my dad leaving us when he was that age. Doug best friend left his wife last year and is already getting married to the other woman. Then there's that womanizer Carl. I told Cindy I will talk to Doug about it, but she is so great not wanting to let this get between Doug and me. I think Doug has her all wrong, he needs to give her a chance. I will invite her to the that little get together we are having. ************* Cindy is so strong; Doug got her upset at the little get together. She did not show him while they were talking but later, she told me. I told her that I will have to talk with my husband about this. She told me it is fine. ************* I was right, Cindy said her and Doug talked about her removal from her classroom. I asked him what him what he and Cindy talked about, and he said about her work. His response was in a nonchalant manner. He did not have to say anymore, for I know how their conversation went. I still cannot figure out why he would say that. This at is driving me crazy, but I told Cindy I would not bring it up to him ************* Cindy is such a trooper, she is in so much pain about that flippant remark my husband made to her. I told her that I wish I could have him feel the same way, so he knows to watch his words. She said it is fine, he's just a man who doesn't understand what it means to be a woman. ************* I will say that was a good idea I came up with while watching that reality show with Cindy. Have Doug lose a bet, and make him dress as a woman for a day. After that I will tell him why and he will understand. I am lucky that Cindy was there, for I would not even of thought of it. It is still hard for me to believe that my Doug would say those meant to her. ************* Cindy is so helpful. I would not have been able to get such a good free throw shot without her being there at my practice. While shooting those shots, all I thought of is, how Doug called her stupid and she should be a stripper. With John marring the other woman; My dad leaving us when I was young; and those guys who tried to force themselves on me when I first met Doug kept racing in my mind. I know Doug is different from them. Also, I know Doug might be mad at me at first for tricking him, but when he learns his 'lesson' he will be happy. I know he does not want to be a guy who disrespects women. I know he does not want to change into becoming like other men. ************* I am happy that I brought up redecorating one of the spare bedrooms around Cindy. She helped me come up with a great idea. Get it painted pink and purple, all girly, then, I will have Doug sleep in it. Plus, I will like a girly room in the house, a win-win. Like Cindy said, Doug will not mind that I changed what we agreed on for it is for our guests not him. ************* This lesson I needed to teach Doug is getting a little expensive. I've been dipping into the joint account to get him a great wardrobe. I want to make sure he has enough clothes for the couple of days he will be dressing as a woman. I hope that he appreciate it. ************* I swear, I get so many good ideas with Cindy around, I wonder why she rubs Doug the wrong way? He will learn to like her. That article she showed me about sissies made me think to call Doug that. Then Cindy also said I should give him a girl name. I am going to Marci. I am so looking forward to making him a sissy so he can learn what it is like to be a woman. He will never be disrespectful again. ************* I am happy that Cindy helped me see that the bet should be for 30 days. It will not last that long, but it will make him think more about it as he is doing it. How could I ever have thought a day would be good enough? ************* Doug took losing the bet well, as I knew he would. He is such a wonderful person. He took me waking him up in stride also. I know he just played along with the sissy part, but that is fine. I just can't believe he had a hissy fit about the spare room. I change my mind about paint job and it does not affect him. I did relent on the husband thing, if I did not, he would be open to my 'lesson'. Plus, I will always see him as my husband, it is just to make him think I did not. I do not believe that he thought I was serious about transforming him into a sissy slave. It did irk me a little hearing him say 'actions have consequences'. While his actions of calling Cindy stupid is having this consequence of me having to teach him a 'lesson'. ************* Doug is being a little annoying. Yes, I know I the bet was for house slave, but he is taking it literal. That set back what I am doing, so he is going to have to be a sissy longer than I planned. It would have only been a week, but he is being stubborn. Also, he needs to learn not to talk back to me. He corrected me when I said a month, yes the bet is for only 30 days, but that is what I meant. I did not mean a "month". Now he added a smile to saying 'actions have consequences'. That is getting under my skin. ************* Doug/Marci is driving me crazy. How can he be so sweet to me and around other people, yet calling Cindy stupid? He said the sweetest thing ever to me. He would suck my cock if I had one. I know he loves me so much, I felt shame for tricking him, but he needs to learn this 'lesson'! ************* It is funny watching Marci get used to everything. Her turning her ankle a little while walking in heels, not being able to use her fingers as well with her great nails, and being so concern about how she looks. She is finally understanding what it is like to be a woman. I was so enjoying teasing her until she said that phrase again. That phrase, I should ban her from saying it. The phrase did not bother me as much as Doug saying that he made a mistake of trusting me. I am trying to help him and he feels like he can't trust me. That hurt me so much I dismissed her from my presence. See how Marci likes it with me not around. She thinks she can't trust me, while I will take away the dishwasher from her. ************* Doug is so stubborn; I took away the dishwasher to punish him. When he brought up this is only for 25 more days I hinted that it will not. He did not like it. He acted like I was suggesting it will be longer. What would give him that idea? Then, he cannot take a joke, he got all mad when I hinted that Cindy knew. He does not know that, and never will. He then said about how I should treat Marci better or she will never talk to me after this is over. That hurt. I tried to laugh it off, to show I was joking, and she just stared a hole through me. There is one good thing, he is going to feel so bad when this is over with how he is treating me. ************* Why can't Marci behave? I swear, I was nice to her and got nothing in return. We had a nice girly day; I wanted Doug to see the good side of being a woman. We were enjoying ourselves while watching a movie and he would not rub my feet. That is what we do when we watch a movie together. The worse is, I could not do anything about it, for Marci use what I said against me. She should know being 100% presentable all the time does not apply if I want to put my feet on her skirt. I almost ended it, but that is what Doug wants, then I'm going to teach him a couple of lessons. One, be more respectful towards women, and two, give me what I want. This hurts me for I feel a strain on our relationship, but Doug could end this if he learned his 'lesson'. That sissy needs to wise up! ************* I think having Cindy over backfired. Marci is mad, plus, Cindy's usually sound advice did not work out as planned. Yeah, I might have degraded him too much, but he had no right to say that those 'actions will have consequences'. He does not know that I am doing this for him. I barred him from ever saying those words to me ever again. Even after he is not a sissy anymore, he is not ever allowed to say them to me. At least I did give myself a smirk when I mention she will be wearing a pussy soon. ************* I am so hurt; Doug did not say he loved me today. Since he first said he loved me, he has always made it a point to say it at least once a day. We always say it to each other. I am not saying it now for I have to ration the affection I give him so he will be open to learning the 'lesson'. Even when I went overseas with my Mom, he left voice messages on my phone to say that every day. I gave him a chance to say it when he forgot, but he did not. As he left the room I did whisper, 'I love you' to him. I wish he could have heard it. ************* How can she be so stubborn, I tried to make peace, and she did not accept it. She did not say, 'I love you' to me, and she is acting like she has been wronged. I know I have not said it since he became a sissy, but like Cindy said, withholding affection will help Doug learn his 'lesson'. I try to explain it to her, but she just will not get it. Maybe Doug is stupid. It really hurt me when Doug said he does not trust me anymore. He is going to be so sorry when he finds out what this is about. Then he gave me that smile! Those words which I barred from saying are tied to that smile now. He does not even have to say them to tell it to me. That is sneaky of him. I could not stand being around him anymore, so I sent him away. I thought that I need to come up with a new plan. I moved up part of my plan to try to get it over with, and that backfired on me. I was going to have Marci suck my dildo, and then, I could not. I am the mood, also, for sex, and I could not do it. Yeah would have had him eat me out after sucking on that Dildo because it sounded so sexy to me. It sounded so good, that a sissy would only be getting the pleasure of pleasing me. I could not have sex with Doug for he was doing it for how he felt, and I was trying to use it as power over him. I was going to have Marci have suck on that dildo and eat me out and not allow her to play with her sissy clitty. That was a mistake. It is not right to use someone like that. He was going to suck on my dildo, for it would make 'me' happy. That really touched me. Two days in a roll that he has not said, 'I love you'. ************* Doug is taking this way too personal, and when I try to be nice again, just nothing from him. I am being the better person, doing this to teach him a 'lesson', and the thanks I get is him acting like a bitch! I offered that sissy the chance to spend time with me, and she would rather dance. I know I gave her a routine to perform for me, but still, she should have watched TV with me. Then, she spat in my face when I gave her a gift. I think she is upset that I called her a pussy, well then don't act like one, if you don't want to be called one. Doug had the gall to say it was a punishment. He should have known, I did not mean it was really a punishment when I said that. Then, he told me he has not been forgetting to say he loves me, with that smirk. That he doesn't love me now. He is being petty about his 'lesson'. I guess it is true, no good deed goes unpunished. If he would just figure it out, he would understand, and he is going to be so sorry when he does! I got mad and wanted to show him who is in charge, and that backfired on me. I wanted to show him he will do what I say and want, and if I want to hear him say, 'I love you', then he will say it. So what if I have not been saying it; I am holding back for it should help him with his 'lesson'. I do not need to say 'I love you' for him to know it. I still cannot believe that he called John. I did not say to call that moment. I could not stop him from saying he had to back out of being best man, for I thought he was bluffing when he went to call John. Marci is such a jerk. The worse is that she pointed out that I commanded her to do so. I did not mean right then. Oh well. ************* This is really not going as my plan; Marci, again is using what I say against me. She should know that when I said follow my orders to a 'T' are only for when she does not get it right. I cannot spend all day making sure she does exactly what I want; it is her job to know exactly what I want. Getting breakfast was an ordeal too. It takes a special talent to make getting breakfast a tribulation, yet that sissy found a way to do it. Twisting my words around to make it look like I was wrong for saying one thing, and wanting another. I try to get her to say the 'lesson', yet she did not. I am mad, for it seems like to Doug, that he never said those mean things to Cindy. That still does not make sense, but why Cindy lie, and also Doug is being difficult, so maybe in anger he did say it. At least Cindy helped us regroup. I had to agree with her about what to do with Doug. He is not catching on, so we came up with a new plan. I am going to make him strip for me on the last day of him being a sissy, and then tell him why. He will then figure out the 'lesson' I will say one thing, I did not like how gleeful Cindy seemed about it. She even suggested that I allow her to watch. I said we will see; yet, there is no way I will. This is between Doug and I. I know I had her come over, but I needed to have a talk with her. That was a small break in what we agreed to, but Doug was not that mad about it. He will understand when he learns his 'lesson'. ************* Doug will not care if I take some money from his account for the night out. He always pays for my drinks anyway when we are out. This is just him paying for my drinks, like he should. ************* I think I finally broke Doug. He still does not know what he said. I should have just told him, and had to over with, but it is too good to have a slave. Also, it is going to be so funny to see him strip. He will get a laugh out of it when we look back on it. Even with having a sissy slave being nice, I want this to be over soon. I know Doug is mad at me, and I cannot blame him. He does not know this is for his own good. Then again, he is a man, and like Cindy said they need to be lead to figure even the simplest things out. He is my lovable dolt, and I will look out for him like I am now. Even with this hurting me, I am looking out for him. ************* I do so miss Doug joking with me. He can be hammy and go for the same joke over and over again. I was expecting him to say about getting dizzy when I asked about strippers. He did not, he acted pensive. I try to give Marci a way out, and she would not take it. What do I have to do, spell out what she said to Cindy? At least she asked, and I told her to think about it. I do not think the 'lesson' will get as good if I had to tell her what she said. ************* I did find out that I did not break Doug when he told me to quit playing mind games. He was mad, that is so out of character for him. I thought that was my chance to tell him for he would call me a name. He did not, so I did not have the chance to bring up him calling Cindy stupid. I punished him by not allowing him to go to the bachelor party, and also denying him my presence for the rest of the day. I had time to think about the punishment, and think he liked it. He really does not like strip clubs. Oh I can tease him about how a real man would like strip clubs, so some good will come out of it. ************* I might be in too deep; I can tell Doug is still furious over being a sissy. While it is his fault for he is not learning his 'lesson'. Maybe when I thought that I broke him, he was just extremely mad at me. Right now, I cannot blame him, but he is going to feel so small when he finally learns his 'lesson'. ************* Then I made another peace offering, and it was turned down again. I offer to allow her to go out as Doug tonight, and she said 'no'. Then to top it off, she took a spur of a moment comment I made and used it against me. I was not serious when I said that about meeting a real man, I have one. One who will do what I want, if I asked it of him. One who cares for me, how can Doug think that I want anyone else? I am helping him learn a 'lesson' and needs to think about what you say to others. ************* When he hurts me, I will hurt him back. I told him the next time he talked to John, that he is going to inform him that Doug will not be going to the wedding. That cannot backfire on me for they will not talk. ************* Doug brought up the money I have spent on his 'lesson'. He said he wants me to pay it back. I was going to use not paying it back against him; showing him who has the power. He was not backing down so I did relent, and told him I would. I am not going to have to, for when he learns his 'lesson', he will know the money was well spent. ************* OMG! How dare that bitch tell John he is not going to the wedding! Marci should have known I was not serious about that command. I would have never said it if I thought that John was going to call him. I know he did that out of spite. While two can play at that game, I am going to flirt with a man tonight, and rub my sissy's pretty little face in it. I agree with Cindy, flirting is not cheating, plus I am only doing so to get back at Doug. Carl looks nice and with people thinking that Doug and I are having issues, it will be no big deal to flirt with him. Carl really is a jerk, and he had the nerve to say that he can treat me better than Doug. Doug will never talk at me like Carl did. Doug is does not worry with how I look, like Carl is does. Doug does not see women as his next conquest like Carl does. I actually feel dirty talking to Carl. I swear that it must have been a misunderstanding between Cindy and Doug. I need to clear this up. I will when I get home. ************* Looking in on Doug, I see how peaceful Doug is. I cannot wake him up now, he finally looks at rest. How dare he act like he is not my husband. Not asking me how I am, or how I am doing! Just asking what I want without any emotions in his voice. That hurts! I am so going to tell him about Carl, and how a real man treats a woman. That didn't go an I had hoped. It backfired on me for all Doug did was wish me a good time at the wedding with Carl. I do not want to be near Carl, for he is a jerk. He is the reason, I am doing this for Doug so he does not turn out like Carl. The worse is right now Doug does not believe he loves me, or that I love him. That really hurts! ************* Is the pain I'm having, worth teaching Doug this 'lesson'? ************* I cannot stand to be by him, for I am reminded how he now feels about me. He turned down my pancakes, the pancakes he use to love. Then he finally ate them without syrup. The only reason is for I commanded him to eat them. I should have made him put syrup on them. He found a way to hurt me by just eating them. I try to do something nice, and he will not accept it. I can now see the contempt he has for me by HIS actions. ************* I try to tell him that I was only flirting with Carl to get back at him. It did not feel good that Doug did not believe me; at least I did not think he did. He has a poker face now around me. I do not like that. He is closing up when he's around me. It felt good that Doug was worried about me; asked if Carl hurt me. I told him, I hurt myself. I have been doing that a lot with this 'lesson'. I wish there was an easier way, but Cindy is right, it needs to come from Doug to be a real 'lesson'. I did show my affection to him. He did not react; I swear if I did not know him better, I would say he was being petty? I know he is not. Is this 'lesson' really worth it, almost all of the time, Doug is great? ************* How could this be? Doug exploded on me, he never shown his anger like this before. I never saw anyone as mad as him, and yet, he did not call me a name once. That is what made it so bad, it was a righteous anger. When I brought up no name calling, he stated that he would not stoop down to my level. It is true, I called him many names, but it is just to soften him up for his 'lesson' to sink in. I think he will calm down, and I will be able to work this out. I will treat him nice for the next two weeks then it will be back to normal. ************* What is up with Cindy, she is talking too much about revenge on Doug. This is not about revenge. How can she think that she deserves to see Doug as Marci? I should have never had her over that one day. I do not know what happened between those two. It has to be a misunderstanding? Doug has shown his true colors today, and he would not degrade anyone. Cindy had to misunderstand what he said. How can she think that I would want Doug to stay a sissy? I know, I said it, but I was not serious about it. ************* Great, Doug was in the room when I was telling Cindy that I don't want a sissy husband. I know how that might have sounded to him, for he thinks the worse of me. I try to explain it, and he just stood there with a blank look on his face. I just broke his heart, and mine at the same time. I asked him what he wanted. He said he came to apologize for his outburst; no one should ever be talked to how he talked to me. I cannot blame him for doing so, for I have been talking to him so much worse? He is so amazing, so amazing that I'm sure he will understand this was all for the 'lesson'. ************* Yes, it might be worth it after all, Doug did that dance routine so good. He is taking this seriously. I guess he needed that outburst, and I know he did not mean we are done. I can't blame him saying that in the heat of the moment. He will understand, when I explain this to him. He now understands what it is like to be a woman, so he will see that he needed it this to fully understand what he did to Cindy. He turned me on as Marci sometimes does when we get along, and I think he enjoys it. It can't be for why Cindy said he would, can it? It has to be for he sees that I am enjoying it. ************* I am so going to fuck him. ************* Yes, yes, say my name Doug. You say my name. This is a great fucking he is giving me. ************* How dare she wear Doug's clothes? She is so going to get punished, and to think I thought that she understood what this is about. So what if I said that this is over when I allow him to say my name. I was not thinking of that when I told him to say it, so it does not count. I need to gain control of this situation again. I am just going to smack Marci to put her in her place. OMG! What! No, that is not right! I should have never had even thought that. I am getting sick. Doug is right, this is over now. He did say we are done in the heat of the moment, I think he meant it. Why did I not listen to him? Oh My God, my marriage might be over now! What have I done? How could I have treated Doug like this? Why is he talking, I need to think. It is hard to process what is going on with him. The worse is, he is still looking out for me. I did not look out for him, there is no way I did. I used to look out for him, for he needs it. He is so straight forward dealing with people and life sometimes he needs to know others are not. I love him for if he asks how you are doing, he wants to know. I can't justify my actions with sick logic, but I treated him like dirt. I have to talk with Cindy, I need to know what happened between her and Doug.. ************* Cindy lied, she just lied! I believed her lie. She was so good at keeping the story straight, but she was always the one who brought it up. She rehearsed what she told me and forgot her lines when she had to adlib. She played me. She is a cunt. ************* Doug would never hit on a woman, he loves me. No matter what, he would never act like I would... OMG! I am sick, I flirted with another man to get back at the man I love. Cindy is a cunt. ************* Wow, I am going to have to hear her explanation. I can't believe I fall for this crap. I can't believe that I thought that low of Doug. I can't believe what she had as an end plan, Doug as a full time sissy and sucking another man cock? I would not have let that happen. No, maybe I would have. I am a horrible person. I can't believe that I was going along with it. ************* She hit me like I was going to hit Doug. I can't believe this, well, I am going to show it to her! I am like Doug, I hit for blood! ************* This is frustrating that Doug does not want to talk now. I can't blame him, it is my doing. I pushed him away, treated him like shit, and did not trust him. Still, I need him, and he is not there. It is just a rude awakening that he is more concerned about his wallet than me. It hurts that Doug believes I think he is stupid, and all those other names I called him. I messed up calling him that many times. He should know I did not mean it; I thought he needed to learn a 'lesson'. ************* He called me a bitch. He stooped to name calling that like stupid sissy. Oh no, I am a bitch, I been calling him so many names, and he finally pushed back in the same manner. Even now, when I know I did him wrong, I went to demeaning him. How could have called him all those names, and some of the times, I meant it? No, most of the time I did. I had so much contempt for him, for no reason. ************* Doug seemed so cold and distant as dismissed the notion of us talking tonight, and he told me he was sorry for swearing. It got worse when he just walked away from me when I was crying. He used to wipe the tears away from my face and comfort me. The worse is, he does not want his wallet back. That wallet is over 10 years old, and has seen better days. It is the first gift I bought him, and he holds onto it for sentimental reasons. It makes him think of me when he sees it. That is why he did not get a new one. That is why I was wrong for taking it from him. I made him hand over a symbol of my love to him. ************* Why did I even think for a moment that I was going to sleep in OUR bed? Our bed, I was thinking of that bed as mine, until a couple of hours ago. I actually thought that I owned my husband, and he was becoming a sissy for that is what I wanted. I actually thought that Doug did not deserve to have the same bed as me, that it is only ours when I allowed it. What was I doing? Why did I allow myself to become what I was? I will grab my thing and go to bed in the guest bedroom, the sissy room. ************* This room is some sort of sick joke. Great, now we are going to have to pay to have it redecorated again. It was not to make Doug learn a 'lesson'; it was to get revenge on men. He did not deserve any of what I done to him. Why did he allow me to do it, he should have stopped me. He should have stopped me! No, no, no. I should have stopped myself. I should have asked him what happened to make him get Cindy removed from his classroom. ************* Every moment I am feeling like I have reached a new low, and somehow I am proven wrong the next moment. I feel even lower than before. I feel like such a small and pitiful person. Is that what I am now? No, my heart was in the right place, I was just blinded by fear. I was scared that Doug was going to be just like my Dad. He was a great person until he left us. Or he was going to be like some many other men, like John, or Carl. My fear made the sins of other men be laid upon my husband by me. I never had a good relationship with a man other than Doug, and a few other men. I do not even get along with my brother that well. He is a womanizer. I know that not all men are jerks, but was scared that Doug might become one. ************* I need to make this right. I will be Doug's slave for the rest of the summer. He can do upon me what I have done upon him. He can degrade me, make me feel less than him and gloat at me. That would make us even? That will not work for Doug would never treat anyone, let alone someone he loves, like I treated him. He is too good of a person to do so. He has too much integrity to be so petty to want to extract revenge, to keep score. I am a piece of shit. ************* Doug is dependable, I asked him to keep a journal and he did. I did not even get around to reading it, but he kept it. I should have read it, but was too busy with myself on an ego trip. I was such a fool to treat such a great man how I did. This journal is just making me see how great he is again. How could I have forgotten? When did I start to take him for granted? Why is it that I started to see him like other men? Do I have trust issues? I called him stupid, but reading this his journal confirmed I am. I thought I was so witty and one step ahead of him. I was not witty, Doug just kept his word. Even when I twisted the bet, he kept his word. He was not confused by my plans, he was confused by the person I was. I cannot blame him for thinking I was having a mental breakdown, I wish that was true. That would give me an excuse for what I did. I have to face the facts about what I did. I cannot believe that he still wanted to help me after I made his life a living hell. Wait, he is Doug; that is what Doug does. That is the man I love and the reason why. He is there for me, or was. Somehow, I forgot that or started to take him for granted. Somehow, I just thought of him as another man. ************* Why is alarm going off at 5AM? Oh shit I am the reason. I made Doug do his makeup every day before breakfast. I should have known I was the reason; for if something is wrong right now, it is because of me. ************* Maybe I can beat Doug downstairs so I can still make him breakfast. No, he is making us breakfast, that is sweet of him. Why would I think he would do anything for me, I do not deserve it. I have the nerve to order breakfast from him. I am still too full of myself right now. How can I be when I know what I did? It does not matter if I thought it was for a good reason. It was not. I lied, deceived, and betrayed the man I love. There is never a good reason for that. ************* Doug is offering to give me a chance, take it right away. Why would I not? It does hurt that he made the comment about I need to make sure that he is not tricking me into something more than I bargained for. I know that is in reference of the bet and I know it was called for. He wanted to tell me in his own way, he would never trick me. ************* I don't need mental help. It was done for the right reasons. I messed up, that does not mean I need help? I did so many damaging things to our relationship, but that does not make me mental. I am lying again, I do need help. No one who is in their right frame of mind would treat someone they love that cruel. I have to hold it together, he is going to get help also. I hurt him so bad that he needs professional help. I am scum, I am worthless. Why does he even want me in his life? It is a miracle that he does. No, it is not. Doug is loyal and wants to at least try to work it out. He does not give up hope if there is any left. ************* Why did I laugh at Doug's answer? It is a simple answer, but in a good way. The room is not the colors which we agreed to. It is sad that he had to explain that to me. It should have been plain as day. I went behind his back and made that room something to punish him with. I actually thought it was fitting that he did help pay for it also. Wow, that is sick! Why did I think I had the right to take money from his account? I am going to be so broke until I pay back what I took. I spent way too much of ours and his money. ************* I love that smile, oh how I missed it when I took it away from him. I wish I knew that is why it went away. I love how he is helping me. He is amazing. When we are on the same page, we are a great team. ************* Yes, I deserve him blowing up on me. Why did I just not say I love you right then, to him? Instead I played it coy, and said, of course I do. That was stupid. I wanted to reassure him and did not. I have to gain his trust again. I have to never hold back on saying' I love you' to him. I have to go back to who I was when he loved me. That kind and caring person, who looks out for others. That person who really did look out for Doug. I need to make sure that I watch over him from now on. ************* I used to smirk to myself seeing Doug smoke a Virginia Slim. That was just sick. I so need help. At least he took one of my smokes. That showed he is warming up to me at least. ************* When I thought that I could not find Doug, the man I love, and hopefully will win back; what was more amazing, he proves me wrong. He said he wants to work this out for us. He remembers that he is part of us, and that is what I forgot. That is him seeing the world differently. He is able to keep his sense of self while being a part of our union; I somehow lost that. My fear of how others let me down, affected how I saw Doug and me. ************* I will explain to him that he is not to blame. I do not care if he ruins any chance we have of getting back together. He needs me to explain the difference between us not telling each other this. I was mad at him for what I thought I knew and he was not mad at me. He wasn't wrong to not say it, and that I was wrong. ************* OMG! How could I ever have thought that Doug would have said that to Cindy. That bitch said those words to a pupil. She was upset that Doug stood up to her. I am a fool. ************* Again Doug has good reason to be mad, how could I think he would act like others. Me, being scared is not a good reason. ************* I broke his trust again, it did not matter that I had him write that journal when he was my "sissy slave". He was not then, and I had no right to demand that. It was sick that I wanted him to do so. People need to have some of their most personal thoughts be private. It is also sick that I was about to act like his "Mistress", again. That would have been funny for all the wrong reasons. I was never that, and acting like it would just be foolish. At least some good came from it, if I had not read it, then I would not have even came close to understanding why Doug is giving us a second chance. ************* How long is he going to have this anger? He is right to mad, and I need to do the right thing and stand by him while he gets better from the 'consequences of my actions'. Me dealing with him, while he works through his outbursts, is just another 'consequence of my actions'. I will stand by him in his dark hour, for I love him, and also for I made this hour for him. I am honored that I will be able to face up with the 'consequences of my actions'.