A Swapped Life, Chapters 4 - 6 free porn video

A SWAPPED LIFE, Chapters 4 - 6 A young male engineer goes to an engineering conference and gets swapped with a teen unwed mother who did not finish high school. Story discusses how the new woman makes new friends, and copes with motherhood, her new parents and sister, her former boyfriend, and eventually with love and marriage. Story also discusses the struggles of the new man, whose family and educational background did not give him the tools to fit into the world of men, and his eventual redemption. This is my first attempt to write fiction. I have found it much more challenging than I expected. I am grateful for constructive criticism. This is the second part of A SWAPPED LIFE and covers chapters 4 - 6. In the first part, in chapter 1, I introduced the original Brian and his family. Brian is a small and easy-going guy, but intelligent and strong willed. He is a civil engineer and works for a consulting company and is attending a conference in Eugene and giving a paper. In chapter 2, Brian encounters a very large man, Rex, abusing his girlfriend, Erin, and their daughter, Mary, in the halls of his hotel. Brian calls him on it, but no good deed goes unpunished and Rex beats Brian up and steals his wallet. Later that night, Brian wakes up as Erin being taunted by Rex . Rex throws Erin out of the room with their baby and she finds Erin who has been swapped into Brian's body. Chapter 3 discusses their early interactions. Erin finds she feels a magical connection with the baby Mary, and she becomes determined to give her a loving upbringing. And Erin gives the engineering paper that the old Brian had prepared. The two of them decide to return to Blakefield, the town where they both grew up. Characters Brian-->Erin An accomplished young male engineer with some struggles and insecurities. He tries to help a woman being abused by a very large man and is then swapped with that woman. Erin --> Brian A troubled young woman who never finished high school and who is transgendered. In spite of gender issues, she wound up getting involved with a troubled young man and having his baby. She is swapped with Brian. Clara Sister of Brian. She is social worker and is a very accomplished young woman and was her brother's close friend. Jenny Mother of Brian. She is an administrator at a local hospital and was very close to Brian and Clara. Peter Father of Brian. He is a professor of mathematics and was also very close to Brian and Clara. Mary Baby Daughter of Erin. She turns out sweet tempered and loving despite being neglected by the original Erin Mom (Mary) Mother of Erin. She is an office manager for a construction firm. She has some flaws and had a rough relationship with the original Erin, but eventually turns out to play a positive role. Dad Loving father of Erin. He is a construction worker. Fran Sister of Erin. She is a police officer. She and the old Erin hated each other. She makes the new Erin's life miserable at first, but eventually they become friends. Latesha Friend Erin makes in a drug detox program. LaTesha was a very promising student in high school but was pulled into the world of drugs by her boyfriend and winds up spending about a year in youth detention. Debbie Friend Erin makes attending church. She is a high school student and an unwed mother. Her mother has rejected her for engaging in unmarried sex. Ginni Friend Erin makes doing a contracting job. She works for Erin's Mom and wants a career in finance. Jesse Close friend of the old Erin. She also becomes a friend of the new Erin, even though the two Erins are very different. Jesse was the original Erin's partner in many pranks and just barely graduates high school, but she is determined to succeed in life and is attending culinary school and also wants to also establish herself as a photographer. Tony Close friend of the old Brian and an excellent musician. After a failed marriage, he is raising his two sons by himself. He is asked to provide music at Clara's wedding. Index: CHAPTER 1. OCTOBER, BRIAN AND FAMILY CHAPTER 2. EUGENE, THE SWITCH CHAPTER 3. IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE SWITCH. CHAPTER 4. BLAKEFIELD, AFTER THE SWITCH. CHAPTER 5. ERIN MOVES HOME, FRAN'S ANTIPATHY CHAPTER 6. DETOX, MEETING LATESHA CHAPTER 4. BLAKEFIELD, AFTER THE SWITCH. After landing, Erin insisted they wait for most other passengers to get off in case they had tight connections. Then she got up holding Mary and reminded Brian to grab Mary's bag, and proceeded awkwardly down the aisle to the front of the plane. She gave the steward the bottle Mary had been drinking from and walked down the stairs. Then she grabbed Mary's bag, Brian got their two bigger bags, and they entered the terminal, walked out the front door, haled a cab, and she gave them the address. She was pleased the cost of the cab was the same as on Sunday, $60. The driver dropped them off in front of her apartment, and she paid him $65 cash. She was now down to $40 cash. That was depressing. She pulled out her keys, which she had been careful to transfer from Brian's suitcase to her purse back in Eugene. She told Brian where she was going and said he had to get the suitcases, she would take Mary and her supplies. Then she walked up the outside stairs to the door and opened it. Her apartment was the top floor of an old house. The older couple who owned it had put in a kitchen and rented it out to supplement their retirement. The price was reasonable, and it was clean and quiet. Plus, her landlords were very nice people. Speaking of which, Mr. Washelli was at the bottom of the stairs. He called out to Brian who was struggling up with the suitcases, "Hi Brian, glad to see you. Here, let me take one of the suitcases." Brian gratefully gave up one. Then the two men walked up the stairs. Mr. Washelli continued, "I have something I need help with tomorrow when you have a chance. That your sister? Well, Welcome home." Erin opened the door and went in. God, so much had changed since she had last been here. She had been a gainfully employed young male engineer with no particular ties, footloose and fancy free. Now she was what? Female? A mother? An addict? No certifiable job skills? Little money? No proof she owned anything. But she was home, and she had to deal with those issues, any one of which was huge, but in combination they seemed overwhelming. God, what was she going to do? Well first things first. It was late, and Mary had to be prepared to go to bed. Erin got her out of her clothes and diapers, which were wet. Then she cleaned her up and nursed her. Finally, she put her in her onesie, and put her to bed on a sofa chair with a towel rolled up and set to keep her from rolling off, and a dining room chair backed up to the towel to provide safety. She sang to Mary and made motherly comments until Mary finally went to sleep. Then Erin scooted one of the dining chairs over to insure Mary didn't roll onto the floor. Brian had been disappointed that there was no TV. He started haunting the kitchen looking for something to eat. He found some cereal, and some milk in the refrigerator which was still good and had several bowls of the cereal. Erin suggested a banana, which was near the end of being good, but Brian said no. When Mary was asleep and Erin was ready for bed, she asked Brian for the last of the perc's. He pulled out a pill, but it was black and not red. This greatly concerned Erin. She said, "That is not the 5th perc. I saw 5 red pills. What is going on?" Brian, "This is almost the same thing. I am saving the 5th Perc for tomorrow morning, so you can at least make it through one day while you are figuring out what to do. This pill will get you through the night." Erin, "What is it?" Brian, "It is codeine, a fairly small amount. But it will get you through the night. And you will have the perc for tomorrow." Erin, "OK, give it to me." She took it in her hand, went into the bathroom. Frankly, she didn't trust Brian. She thought about getting out one of the half pills she had secretly stored, but she thought she should conserve those. She didn't know when she would stop needing them. Finally, she decided to take the pill Brian gave her. She took the entire pill since half might not be enough to stave off withdrawal. Then she went out and asked Brian whether he wanted the twin bed or the couch. Surprisingly, he gave her the twin bed. She lay down with a book but was asleep before she could read anything. Erin woke up confused, not remembering where she was, or who she was. She was butt naked. The sun was shining on her. She rolled over and saw it was 10:30 AM. That was way later than she usually slept, and she would be late for work. Then she heard Mary screaming, and vaguely remembered she was now a woman and a mother. She had to get up and go to her baby. When she got up, her anus hurt like hell. She found Mary, picked her up, and went into the bathroom and sat down and did her business. And felt a sense of d?j? vu that she was physically a woman. What was going on? Mary was saturated in urine. She had apparently gone more than a few times in her diapers and it had leaked. Mary always screamed when she was wet, so she must have been screaming for hours. Why hadn't Erin woken up? Erin took the onesie and diaper off and sat Mary down by the sink and gave her a sponge bath to clean her off. As always, Mary loved it. How had Erin known to do that? She was really struggling to put it all together. But Mary was fussing in a way that clearly indicated she was very hungry. So, Erin moved the dining room chair from in front of Mary's makeshift crib, rolled the "Stopper" Towel out on the chair and sat down and allowed Mary to nurse and tried to think. She had gone to a conference, right? Or he had gone? And changed into a woman with a baby? Weird thought. She saw the date on the clock. It was Thursday. She must have come home last night. Then what? She remembered Brian had given her a pill? Why? Why had she taken it? And wasn't she Brian? Erin closed her eyes and tried to relax. As Mary nursed, a sense of normalcy came on her and she calmed down. She started to remember the time in Eugene, but only had vague memories of yesterday. She went back to sleep for a moment while nursing. When Erin awoke again she felt better. She wished she could sleep all day, but for some reason she couldn't. She forced herself to get up, noted Mary seemed a little uncomfortable, and patted her back until she burped. Then she laid Mary down on the chair, restored the protective rolled up towel and dining room chair, and went in and took a shower. But something else was wrong. There was a dry discharge on the back of her thighs, as though she had been sick and had diarrhea. Good God, what had happened? When Erin was clean and dry, she went over to the dresser to get some clothing, but it was all men's clothing. Of course, it had always been men's clothing. That was all Brian had, reasonably enough. But when she tried to put some on it didn't fit at all. She looked around trying to think what to do and noticed a suitcase. His? Hers? Anyway, she put it on the bed and got some clothes out and dressed in panties, a pair of jeans, and a t-shirt . These fit OK. Now what? Make some coffee, that was the ticket. She did so and prepared a cup of coffee with creamer and non-sugar sweetener. Then she picked up Mary again and sat down and tried to remember what had happened to bring her to where she was. At some point she gave up and went out and down the stairs and knocked on the front door of the house, hoping her landlady might know something. Mrs. Washelli answered, and Erin said, "Good morning Mrs. Washelli, how are you?" Then Mrs. Washelli replied with a little surprise in her voice, "I'm fine sweetie. What's your name? And what a pretty baby." 'Oops, apparently Mrs. Washelli didn't know her,' thought Erin. That was odd since Brian had been renting her for over a year. Erin said, "My name is Erin, and this is Mary." Mrs. Washelli, "And will you be staying with Brian for a while? My husband said Brian had a woman with him when he returned last night. It's OK if you are staying for a while. I'm sure Brian would appreciate the company. He is such a sweet man, but I think he is very lonely. He never has anyone over." Erin, "Um, I was just going to apologize that Mary cried a while this morning. She was frightened, being in a strange place. I hope it didn't bother you." Mrs. Washelli, "No, not at all sweetie. Would you care to have some tea?" Erin, "Sure, that would be great. Thanks." As time went along while they were having tea, more of what had happened at the conference started to come back to Erin. But nothing about last night. Was she losing her mind? Mrs. Washelli was very inquisitive. Erin was aware enough to be evasive in response to questions about her relationship with Brian. And she had to tell some lies about herself and hated it but didn't know what else to do. In return she got the story of how Mrs. and Mr. Washelli had met, about their children, and about their perceptions of Brian. Erin was pleased that the perceptions were positive, although she suspected that for whatever reason Mrs. Washelli was trying to promote a relationship. She was also pleased that Mrs. Washelli kept praising Mary. Erin thought Mary was a wonderful child, but affirmation was good. After an hour, Erin saw Brian come back. She excused herself and went back upstairs to talk to him. When she walked into the apartment, Brian said, "Hi Babe," Erin automatically returned the greeting, but then asked, "What happened last night? I can't remember a thing. And my bum is really sore." Brian, "Well, I told you I wanted to do anal once as a man, and you agreed to it. So, we did." Erin absolutely did not believe she had agreed to anal. She knew she would only agree to that if she was stoned out of her mind, in which case that wasn't really consent." Erin, "I don't believe you. I would never have done that." Brian, "You did though. Say, it's no big thing. In fact, that body has had anal before, many times. Rex liked it. But I don't think either of us liked it much last night though." 'You got that right', Erin thought. Then she said, "I cannot remember any of that, why can't I remember." Brian, "Don't know. Maybe you blocked it out." Erin could see she was not going to get any straight answers. So, she moved on to another topic. "Can I have the last perc? I am starting to feel sick and would like to not go into withdrawal." Brian dug one last red pill from a plastic baggy in his front pocket. Erin took it into the bathroom, got some water in a paper cup, bit the pill in half, and put one half in her stash and swallowed the other half. Next, she came out and figured she would attack the biggest problem she had. She said to Brian, "It's now time to make a decision. I'm home. I'm determined to do something about my addiction. What should I do?" Brian, "I know you have money in the bank somewhere. If you want to get it out, I could score lots more perc's." Erin, "No, I don't want to stay in this trap. I want out. I want to get off the drug. Now." Brian, "I thought you'd say that. So, the easiest thing is to turn Mary over to the county and put yourself in their care. You'd have a chance to get the baby back later." Erin, "As I said before, I hate the idea of turning that wonderful child over to anyone, but especially some bureaucracy and a set of foster homes, many of which are just factories for generating income for the foster parents. It may come to that, but I will move heaven and Earth to avoid it." Brian, "Ok, that means you need to get help from someone you know. The problem is that no one who knows Brian will be tempted to help an unknown woman with her addiction. You could go to your parents and try to convince them you are really Brian." Erin, "Yeah, that seems to be the only possibility. But I think I will talk to my sister first. She and I are really close. If I give you the phone, would you talk to her? She knows your voice. Her name is Clara. Look it up under contacts." So, Brian called Clara. "Hey Clara. This is Brian. Would you have a few minutes today? I need to talk to you about something. ....... No, not on the phone. ....... Two at Rory's? That would be great. I'll have a friend with me. See you then." They killed an hour talking about the best way to convince Clara that their minds had been switched. But no sure-fire approach came to mind. Finally, Erin decided to just tell her and then let Clara take the lead and ask questions. Otherwise Clara would think that Brian had concocted an elaborate story and persuaded Erin to tell it. Then Erin got Mary ready to go. She nursed, changed diapers, and tried to rock her to sleep, but she wasn's tired enough. Mary would probably sleep at the restaurant if they could find a quiet place. At 1 she and Brian were ready to go. She showed him where the car was and reluctantly let him drive because she had to hold Mary, and because Erin had no driver's license. But first, she directed him to the Post Office to get Brian's mail. She was gratified that the new credit card had shown up. It was one of those cards with a picture on it, so Erin couldn't use it anywhere that there was a human clerk. But she could use it at a gas station, so she had him stop at a QFC and filled her old Toyota with gas. Then Erin directed Brian to Rory's. They were a few minutes early and had to wait for Clara. While Brian was waiting, he ordered a burger and a beer. Erin got a diet coke and an iced tea for Clara, knowing what she would want. After eating and drinking his beer, Brian ordered another beer. After that, he wanted a third. Erin asked him "Please, Brian, no more. This is important to both of us, and to Mary. You have to be sober." Reluctantly, he agreed. Finally, Clara showed up. She walked up and hugged Brian and said, "Hey little brother. Great to see you. What's up?" Then she looked Erin and Mary over appraisingly. Erin knew she was trying to get a read on what was going on. Erin would ordinarily have been ecstatic to see Clara but was almost terrified of her right now. Clara sat across from Erin and Erin slide the iced tea across to her. Clara turned to Brian and thanked him. Then Erin said, "Hi, I'm Erin and this is Mary." Clara said, "What a cute baby. Can I hold her?" and went through a similar routine of baby talk that Erin often used. Mary just loved it and gurgled and smiled. It was subtle, but both Erin and Clara saw it. Having clara hold her baby felt so natural that Erin almost cried. Now there was an odd thought for Clara's brother. Then Clara asked Erin where she knew Brian from. Erin said they had met at the Conference earlier in the week. Then Clara asked, "Oh. Are you an engineer too?" "Sort of," said Erin. That irritated Clara, but she didn't want to alienate her brother's friend. She said gently. "What does 'Sort of' mean? Is that something all engineers say? When Brian does that, it drives me crazy." Erin, "What it means in this case is that I have the training but not the certification." Clara, "So get the certification. That training should be put to good use." Erin, "Well, it's not so easy." Clara, "Why?" Erin, "Because there is no record I ever when to collage and took the courses." Clara was thinking, "God this woman is irritating to talk to, almost as bad as Brian sometimes. No wonder they became friends." Clara, "how did you take 4 years of college courses and not have your attendance recorded?" Erin, "Well, it was recorded, but under another name." Clara, characteristically direct, said, "So either change the record or change your name." Erin had to admit that the name change idea had not occurred to her. That was one reason she loved her sister so much. Could a simple change of name say to Briana, get her back into engineering somewhere? She doubted it because the college record included a lot more than just a name. But it was something to think about later. Erin decided to just plunge in and said, "My attendance was recorded under the name Brian Sanders." Clara, "Are you saying my brother never attended class, that you took his courses and tests for him? That's ridiculous. I don't believe it." Both women looked over at Brian at the point, Erin hoping he would speak up and Clara thinking he was being uncharacteristically silent. Erin finally said, "No, I'm not saying that at all. I'm saying that when I was in college I was Brian Sanders, your brother. Somehow in Eugene, the Brian mind got switched with the Erin mind. Now I am physically Erin McLoughlin, a 19-year old girl with a baby and not even a high school degree. But my mind is Brian Sanders'. I remember everything from Brian's past, including what I learned in college, but of course as Erin I have no record of attending engineering school." Now, Clara started laughing. She looked over at Brian and said, "Good one brother. You had me going for a while. Now what is really going on?" Erin looked at Brian too, wondering if he would tell the truth or spin out some self-serving bullshit. She couldn't predict because she was not really familiar enough with him. After all, they had only known each other for 3 days and sometimes he seemed to have been a reasonably good guy and sometimes an absolute shit. After thinking for a moment, he said, "It's true Clara. I look like your brother but I've never seen you before in my life. I used to be Erin McLoughlin." Erin then said, "Clara, I'm willing to be tested. Ask me anything that Brian should know. I'm not volunteering information because you might think I was briefed by Brian. I know what a skeptic you are, but please consider the idea. I, who was once Brian, badly need your help." Clara absolutely did not believe this nonsense but didn't know what to think. So, she played along and asked a series of questions covering their lives, thinking she would soon trip this idiot up. She included questions about some very embarrassing high school episodes and personal conversations that nobody else knew about. Erin passed with flying colors. But Clara was still very skeptical and told Brian and Erin she had to get back to work and would think about this and that Erin or Brian, someone, should call her later. Then she handed Mary back to Erin and left. Erin thought about a last-minute plea, but Clara left too quickly. By that time, it was 3:30. Erin said, "I guess all we can do is wait until this evening and call Clara again." But Brian said, "Erin, you will be in opioid withdrawal in 5 hours." (He didn't know Erin had only been taking half the pills and putting half away.) Brian continued, "There is one more thing we can try." Erin, "What's that Brian?" Brian replied, "If it's too big a hurdle to ask someone to believe our story about swapping minds, and I have to admit I would never believe it without having lived it, then you can ask my parents for help, as their wayward daughter Erin. Nobody will have to know that it is actually a former male engineer asking. Just poor, pathetic, Erin." Erin, "Brian, you were not pathetic, willful and misguided, but not pathetic." Brian, "That is not the point now. My parents badly wanted me to bear Mary, even though they despised Rex, and they offered me help after the birth. But after the birth I wanted to go back with Rex and do what I wanted to do. I and my parents had a big fight. I accused them of being totally unreasonable and wanting to control my life completely. There were lots of screaming and name calling. We parted on really bad terms. To go back, you would have to apologize all over the place and kiss a lot of ass. But you're good with people, a lot better than I ever was. So, they might agree to accept you back and help you. What do you think?" Erin did not particularly like the idea, lying to people, trusting her future to strangers. But she had to consider Mary and was getting desperate. She had very little time to explore alternatives. "OK," Erin said, "What should I do?" Brian, "Call them and ask to come over tonight." Erin, "OK, what are their names?" Brian, "Bart and Mary McLoughlin." Erin, "Really, you named your daughter after your mother? I thought you didn't get along." Brian, "No, my mother named my daughter after herself. I was under an anesthetic at the time." Erin, "Really? OK, do you have any affectionate names for your mother and father." Brian laughed, "Bitch and Asshole. If you call them anything else, they won't know who you are." Erin was starting to get the impression that this was not a warm and fuzzy family situation. She said, "I'll just call them Mommy and Daddy." Brian, "Ok, but don't mind if I barf." Erin, "When should I call?" Brian, "No time like the present. My mother is at work, but her cell is xxx-xxx-xxxx." You might have a little hassle since she won't recognize your number on call waiting. Erin dialed the number and it rang twice and then someone answered and immediately hung up. Erin looked at Brian. He said, "Dial again." This time a female voice answered, "Whatever you're selling, I'm not interested.", and hung up. Brian said, "Try again." So, Erin did, and got the response, "I don't know who the fuck you are and don't care. Stop calling or I'll get a restraining order" and hung up again. Erin was having second thoughts. But Brian said, "Try again. You will be able to leave a message." This time there was no answer and the call went to voice mail. Erin said, "Mommy, this is Erin. I need to talk to you. I am using a friend's phone. Please call back. I would like to come over tonight. Please." Five minutes later Erin got a call back from Erin's mother. She said, "Erin, You haven't called me Mommy for years. You must be in real trouble. Are you pregnant again? Are you in jail?" Erin said, "No, mommy. Neither. Can I come over tonight? I can explain it better then. But if you want, I will tell you now." Erin's mother, "You can come over. But tell me now. I need to prepare your father." Erin, "OK, I am determined to turn my life around and get a job and make a decent life for me and Mary. But I am addicted to Oxycodone and need to get off it. I need you to arrange some medical help for me to detox. I also need some help with childcare." Erin's mother, "Why not just avail yourself of the county's free addiction abatement services." Erin, "Because they will take Mary, Mommy. I don't want to lose her." She found herself crying at the end. Erin's mother, "OK, OK, come by at 5:30. I will order pizza. You aren't bringing Rex, are you? Your father might shoot him." Erin, "No mommy, Rex and I are done. I might bring a friend though." Erin's mother, "A male friend? I hope he's working. Don't expect him to stay with us while you're detoxing. Rex stole everything in sight when he was here." Erin, "I won't mommy." Then they hung up. Erin felt depressed by all the anger in just that simple phone call. Could she do this? Brian, who had been listening in, laughed and said, "Well, that might make you understand me a little bit." Erin asked if he wanted to go to the house with her. He said, "No way. I never want to be in that house again. I will just drop you off and go back to the apartment. You can call to be picked up." By now it was close to 4:00. They decided to stay at Rory's and have a glass of wine. Brian also ordered a steak for dinner. Mary decided she needed attention, and Erin nursed her and played with her and finally changed her. She had one more clean diaper in her purse. Erin asked Brian "Is there anything else I should know about your family?" Brian, "My father works at Pederson's Construction in the road building section. He's been there 30 years. My mother is the office manager at Pederson's. She's been working there since I was 10, so 9 years. I have a brother, Dan, who is a sales manager at Toyota. (So, Erin might know him by sight.) He is married to a teacher named Stacy, and they have three kids, two boys and a girl. Stacy and I got along like oil and water. But the kids are OK. I also have a sister, Fran, who is a cop. She hates my guts. She is 6 ft. tall and too mean to be married. The only nice one in the house was the Golden Retriever, Max. And he died just before I left." Brian, "How about you give me a description of your family, in case I need to know." Erin was a little leery of giving him any information but decided that fair was fair. "Ok, she said. My father, Peter, is a professor of Mathematics at Blakefield College. He's really nice, and he always supported me even though I wanted to be an engineer, not follow him into mathematics. I guess I took my minor in Mathematics partly to make him happy. My mother, Jenny, is an administrator at St. Mary's hospital. She was a great mother. You have met my sister, Clara. She is a social worker. Even though she disappointed me by not offering to help, she is a wonderful person. Despite her size, she is a spark plug and is always go, go, go. She is getting married in July to an Air Force Pilot. You are scheduled to be 'Brother of Honor' in her wedding. We don't have any dogs." Brian wiggled his eyebrows and said, "Too bad your sister is engaged. She is very attractive." Erin replied, "Look Brian, I am grateful to you for your help. But if you were ever to hurt Clara in any way, I would hunt you down wherever you might be and rip your heart out." Brian, "Woah, super sister. I don't have any plans to hurt anyone. OK, it's cute that you are so protective. Our families are different in that way. That must be why you are so sweet." Erin blushed. Soon it was 5:15 and time to go. Erin gave the credit card to Brian to pay the bill. Then she grabbed her purse with Mary's last paper diaper in it, and they went to the car. She really needed a baby supply bag to carry Mary's stuff. Brian drove to a two story home in a working-class neighborhood across town from where Brian had grown up and dropped her in the driveway. She and Mary walked up a set of concrete stairs and rang the doorbell. A 40ish woman opened the door, said, "Hi Erin", and took Mary from her arms and carried her into the kitchen. "Hi mommy", said Erin to the lady's back. Erin followed the lady into the kitchen and asked, "Can I do anything to help, Mommy?" Her mother looked a little surprised. But said she "Yes, set the table. Your sister will be there too, so 4 places." 'Uh-Oh,' thought Erin. Erin set 4 plates, napkins and silverware, just as Jenny had taught her. Then she said, Mommy, what kind of glasses should I set?" "Just water glasses, the tall ones on the right", her mother replied. Then her mother asked her to set wine glasses for her and Fran and a beer glass for her father. So, she set the beer glass at the end of the table with the most room and two wine glasses at the other places. Her mother saw what she had done and move the beer glass to the middle of the table. She said, "What is wrong with you Erin, your father has sat at the same place for 20 years." Then a tall, mature man walked in the front door. He was dressed in jeans, a heavy long sleeve shirt, and boots. He walked into the bathroom and she could hear him washing. He came into the kitchen, went over and greeted the baby, kissed his wife, and turned around and said simply, "Hi Erin". "Hi Daddy" Erin replied, which brought a quizzical look. The Pizza delivery man rang the doorbell, and her father went down and paid for it and brought it to the table. He said, "Fran should be here soon." Erin said, "Should I start explaining why I need help now." "No", said her father, "Wait for Fran." Erin tried to make other conversation, but it went nowhere. Finally, she told her mother, "I should take the baby and see if she is hungry. Her mother said, "I will be happy to give the baby her bottle." But Erin, replied, "She is still nursing." Her mother seemed surprised but acceded to the inevitable and let Erin take the baby. She asked where they wanted her to do the nursing, and they replied, "Your bedroom of course." Oops. She asked if they had moved it, and they said still first left at the top of the stairs. So, she went upstairs and into the first bedroom on the left. The room was decorated in Goth. Erin had a hard time verifying it was hers but finally saw a picture of her and Rex, Ugh. She put the picture in the trash can, and nursed the child and checked its diaper, ok so far. She found the room really depressing and decided to take down a few of the worst posters and rolled them up and leaned them in a corner. That was a little better. Then she went downstairs and found her sister Fran was there. At over 6 ft. tall, and strongly built, she was a physically impressive woman. She made Erin, who was 5'10" herself and overweight, feel insignificant. But despite being big, Fran was quite pretty, or would have been if she had smiled. She took the end seat, and her mother took the other end, and Erin and the baby took the most crowded seat. The pizza was a meat lovers and Erin served herself after the others had grabbed a piece. She took the smallest piece and then picked off the pepperoni, which Brian had never liked. She ate slowly, listening to the table chatter to get a clue to her new family's thinking patterns, and occasionally sipping from the water glass. Then about halfway through her slice of pizza, her sister said, "So Erin, are you turning into some sort of prissy bitch or something. You're not saying much and you're eating like some sort of debutant." Erin, "Um, err, no, I have just gotten into some different habits. I'm trying to eat better for Mary." Her mother laughed and said, "She must mean Mary the baby, because it doesn't matter to me." Erin smiled, "Of Course the baby. I need to be healthy to take care of her." Fran, "Then why the fuck are you on drugs, you stupid bitch. That's not healthy." Her mother said, "Fran, stop it. Fighting doesn't help." Erin, "No mom, actually Fran has a good question that I've asked myself. And I don't have an answer. But I know what I'm doing is wrong and I know I want to stop. I want to be a good mother to Mary and I'm determined to do so, no matter how hard it is. But I can't do it without help. I can't go through withdrawal and take care of Mary at the same time." Fran, "So you want mom and dad to invest more money into your craziness. They need to put money away for retirement. Not throw it into their unreliable, worthless, screwed up, drugged out daughter. I ought to turn you in myself and have them take your child. You aren't a fit parent anyway. She'd be better off in any foster home." At that Erin was terrified she had made a terrible mistake coming here and burst into tears. She wanted to take Mary and run but knew that wouldn't work. She said, "I'm sorry I've screwed up so bad and I'm sorry I've made you all so unhappy. I'm trying to do better. I'm trying to be a good mother. Look at Mary. She is clean, healthy, and happy. She loves me, and I love her more than anything. I know I can give her a good home. I'm asking for help. But if you decide not to help, I will still try to do better. I will not be a drug addict forever. I want to work and contribute and make you all proud of me. And I'll pay mon and dad back someday. Please don't take Mary from me? Please." Then her father spoke up, "Hush Erin, Of course we'll help you. We want you to succeed too." Fran, "Dad, you're being stupid. She's never kept a promise in her life. She's a fraud. I don't know what she can get out of this. Maybe just a free place to sleep for a while. But we can't trust her at all. And you, Erin, I know Mom and Dad want to be able to see Mary which is probably why they're going along with this. But if you screw up at all, miss one day's treatment, one therapy session, step out of line once, I will make sure you go directly to jail and Mary goes directly to county care. Damn me if I don't." After that sobering promise, her father asked Fran if she had had a chance to find out what sort of treatment was required for Erin's addiction. Fran said it would take a 2 week stay at a treatment hospital, plus a few month's outpatient therapy. Fran would have specific recommendations tomorrow. She reminded her father that Erin was over 18 and not a student and, therefore, not on their insurance. She estimated it would cost about $10k. Then she asked Erin if she had enough drugs to stay out of withdrawal for a couple of days? If not, Fran would try to get her on methadone tomorrow. It wasn't ideal but was better than nothing. Erin said she thought was good for two days. Fran hoped that would be long enough to get her into a treatment hospital. Then her father said he would require her to move in tonight, so they could monitor her. Erin said she had to go back to where she was staying to get her clothes and Mary's stuff. She might be back late. Everyone agreed to that. So, Erin called Brian and told him what happened and asked him to come get her. She went up to Fran and said, "I know you are trying to protect mom and dad and I respect that. Thank you for your help setting things up for the hospital." Fran replied, "I'm not doing it for you, Erin, but for Mom and Dad and my niece. Just do the right thing for once." Erin picked up Mary and her stuff and went outside and waited for Brian. Her emotions were in turmoil. The house was full of hatred for Erin. She sensed there was a lot behind it, and she didn't have a clue what it was. But could she endure that level of hatred for long? Erin didn't know. Her own emotional reactions were defensive. She felt like she was being treated unfairly because, after all, she hadn't gotten herself hooked on oxycontin, and she hadn't done the awful things that caused Erin's family to distrust her. Should she withdraw, and try again to get help from Brian's family, with whom she would be much more comfortable? Or continue on her current course and try to make things better with Erin's family. But could she withdraw? Erin's family now knew she was in town. It was likely that if Erin didn't show up later tonight that Fran would file some sort of child endangerment charge against her and try to find her and have Mary taken from her. That would be horrible. Erin didn't know why, but she felt the motherhood instinct strongly and would fight with all her might to keep Mary. At last she decided that the best course forward was to accept Erin's family's help and try to repair Erin's relationship with them. It took a while for Brian to pick her up. They went right back to the apartment, and she packed everything of Erin's and Mary's, and some things of Brian's that she wanted. She packed some pictures of him with Clara and some pictures of him with her previous parents. She left her old laptop, after scrubbing the memory, but took the newer tablet. And she took her phone. There was one more thing she had been avoiding, resigning from her job. This tore her up. She had always wanted to be an engineer and was distraught realizing there was no way in the foreseeable future she could do it. So, she sent them an email saying that for reasons beyond her control she had to resign her position. She was sorry to do this without notice. They had been great to work for and she respected everyone there. She included instructions about where to send any unpaid wages and attached an electronic signature with a security code that the firm used when sending official documents via email. Erin was starting to feel withdrawal coming on and went to the bathroom where Brian could not see and took one of the half-perc's she had saved and put the other four in her purse. She hoped it would be enough to keep her stable this evening without getting noticeably high. Erin felt lucky that the half perc's had been the right dose to have that effect but knew enough popular pharmacology to expect that effect wasn't reliable. Then she sat and talked to Brian. Her feelings toward Brian were complex. He had often been helpful. But at times he had also been a totally self-centered jerk. He had insisted on sex, and only occasionally tried to make it pleasant for her. And she was certain he had given her some sort of date-rape drug to have anal intercourse. By rights she ought to hate him, but somehow couldn't. She felt he wasn't all bad and she felt a bond with him because of the very weird shared experiences of the last few days. Now, she felt like she was abandoning him. He didn't seem to have any prospects at all. She held Mary and sat down with Brian. They both knew this was goodbye for a time at least. She said, "Brian, I want to thank you for the helpful things you've done last week. Tonight's a big change for me. But you know I have to do it. I have to get off drugs. I cannot be who I want to be, and who Mary needs me to be, unless I do. And I am worried that the oxycontin will somehow get to Mary while nursing." Brian, "Say, I'm sorry you wound up with an addiction. I made my decisions but didn't intend to have someone else wind up with the consequences." Erin said, "This is a funny world. I don't have a clue why the switch happened. But it did, and we have to deal with it. This has been quite a week, Brian, and I will always remember it. This can be a new stage in your life too. What can I do? Have you stayed clean while you have been Brian? If not, I can pay for some therapy. You can't be physically addicted yet. If you are clean, I can pay for some job training. There is enough for rent while you are in class if you are careful? Do you want me to help you like that?" Brian replied, "No. I am happy at who I am. I have always wanted to be a man. I want to explore my new life. I need to be free to do that. Can I have some of the money you get from your work?" Erin, "Yes. It will go to the checking account. There is already about $750 there, and you will get another $1500 from work. The apartment is paid through the end of the month. And the car is in your name. But if you don't find some sort of employment, those things will be gone quickly. Please consider letting me help you get a job so you can live decently and find a relationship that you enjoy?" Brian, "Hey, don't worry about me. I can take care of myself. There's some things I want to do." Erin tried one more appeal. She said, "But Brian, you are so alone. You have no friends, no relatives. How are you going to get along?" He just shrugged and said that the last thing he remembered as Erin was wishing she wasn't entangled with anyone else or responsible for anyone else. Now he had that wish. He thought he would like it." At that Erin knew Brian wasn't yet ready to get himself straight, and she got up and said, "OK, let's do this," and Brian drove her and Mary to the McLoughlin residence and dropped them off along with their bags." CHAPTER 5. ERIN MOVES HOME, FRAN'S ANTIPATHY Erin put Mary in her left arm and picked up Mary's bag in the right and walked up the stairs to the door and rang. Mom answered, and Erin cheerfully said, "Hi Mommy, how are you?", and her mother said, "Hi Erin, I'll take the baby" and took Mary out of her arm. Erin felt more than a little slighted, as she had when she first came here, and thought about how to get her mother to give her some modicum of respect and consideration. For now, Erin just put Mary's bag in the living room and went outside to haul in her own bag, which was heavily packed. She dragged it upstairs, and then came back downstairs for Mary's bag and took it up to her room. Then Erin went downstairs. Mary had been strapped in a reclining infant car seat while her mother did some work in the kitchen. Her mother said she had gotten a phone call and pointed to Erin's purse. Erin looked, and it had been Clara. Erin desperately wanted to phone Clara back, but needed to talk to mom first. Erin, "Mother, is it OK if I just walk in the front door without ringing?" Erin's mom seemed a little surprised, and thought about the implications, and finally said, "Sure." This was not exactly the welcoming response that Erin would have liked, but it was a start. Erin continued with "We need to talk about Mary and me." Mom looked at her warily. This conversation was totally different than any she had ever had with Erin. Usually Erin was passive and silent, or she was demanding something, or she was explosively angry, never organized and thoughtful. In fact, Erin's Mom had felt that Erin's earlier conversation with the family had been different than any previous. Her daughter certainly seemed to have changed in the time since she had left. Erin plowed ahead, "First I want to say how incredibly grateful I am that you and Daddy are willing to take me in and help me now, despite my past problems and our past conflicts. I will love you forever for that. But I need a little respect and consideration for my willingness to step forward and try to get my life together. I hate it when I walk in and you grab Mary out of my arms and then virtually ignore me. It feels dismissive and contemptuous. Well, maybe I deserve that. But I am trying to change and if you wanted to encourage me, you could ask me what I am feeling and how I am doing. Then I would be prepared to be friendly with you and listen to your concerns and advise." Erin's mom replied, "You have never been willing to listen to me before." Erin said, "I honestly can't remember why I didn't listen to you in the past (true), but I want our relationship to change. I want to share with you and get the benefits of your advice. It will help me with the decisions I will need to make in the next couple of years. But most of all, I want to be friends and enjoy being with each other. I need your love as well as your help. Her mother looked at her with amazement. "Who are you and what have you done with my daughter?" she said and laughed. But Erin was rocked by the statement and thought, 'what indeed?' She looked at her mother and saw no sign the comment was more than just a funny line. Then Erin's mother said, "I have always wanted an affectionate relationship with you, but you never seemed to want what I wanted. Maybe it's my fault. I have never been particularly good at relationships, except for your dad. That is why I love him so much. Erin, I will try to give you the consideration you need. I do love you." Then she started tearing up, and Erin did the same and they embraced. Finally, Erin said, "So in the future can we just talk and deal with what the other person is saying and not assume the other person is criticizing or putting us down?" Erin's mom said she would try. Then Erin said, "Mom, I know you have not seen much I have done well, but there is one thing I think I am doing really well is caring for Mary. Maybe not the first few days before I left here with Rex. But after that. Mary and I have had a great relationship and I know a lot about her personal preferences and peculiarities and how to care for her and want to pass them on to you before I go into detox. When would be a good time for that?" Her Mother, "Well, I don't know when you will be going to the hospital, so I don't want to put it off too much, but I'm a little tired now. Could you make a list and we talk early tomorrow?" Erin, "Sure. I'm going to get ready for bed. Mary is used to going to sleep abut 8, so it's time." Her mother said they had bought an infant crib and put it in her room. Erin said Mary was used to sleeping with her, and she wanted to be as close to her as possible since she would be apart from her for a couple of weeks while she was in the hospital. Then she got Mary out of the car seat, grabbed her purse, and went upstairs to her bedroom. The basinet was beside the bed and the same level as the bed, so she could be face to face with Mary if she was in it. She nursed Mary, put her in her in a nighttime diaper, played with her for a while, and then laid down with her until she fell asleep. Then she changed her mind about the basinet and picked Mary up and put her in it. Erin got up and went into the hallway and called Clara, hoping she was still awake. Clara answered on the second ring, and Erin said, "Hello Clara." Clara, "I was hoping you would call Erin. I have thought of a couple of more questions." Clara asked them, and Erin answered perfectly. Clara, "Dam, I had hoped you would mess up. There is just no way anyone, except Brian, could answer those questions. OK, I guess I am convinced you are Brian, but I must rethink all my metaphysics. You said you needed my help. What can I do, Brian?" Erin, "First, I am Erin who used to be Brian, I'm not Brian. There is a Brian who used to be Erin. That is another person, who should be called Brian. I am functioning as a woman and a mother. So, It's less confusing calling me Erin. Do you want me to tell you the rest of the story, ala Paul Harvey." Clara laughed since the old Brian had been a great fan of Paul Harvey replays. Erin continued, "By the way, how much time do you have? I could give you the short version or a longer version." Clara, "The short version now. I really want to hear the long version someday, but I have to work tomorrow." Erin, "OK, the short version of how Brian became Erin. I, Brian, got into Eugene on Sunday morning and checked into my room. I saw a big guy abusing Erin, the former Erin, who was carrying her baby, Mary, in the hall of the motel. I tried to stop it. He beat the shit out of me and robbed me. I went back to my room and went to sleep. I woke up as Erin in the big guy's room, with him accusing me of stealing some drugs. He threw me and the baby out and I went to Brian's room, where Erin in Brian's body was sleeping. I woke him up and showed him he was now a man. He told me he had been transgendered before the switch and didn't want to change back. We slowly accommodated to the switch of our minds between our former bodies through the week. Brian informed me that I was addicted to the pain killer Oxycontin. He only had a few pills left, so I am concerned about going into withdrawal and need to get off the drug. I gave my engineering presentation as Erin. Brian elected to return to Blakefield with me. (Erin grew up in Blakefield but attended Blakefield High School, which is the main reason we did not know her.) Brian and I got back to town Wednesday night. But although I have been taking as little oxycontin as possible, I am almost out. I will go into withdrawal in a day or two. That is why I needed help. Last night after we talked, in desperation, I went to Erin's parents' house and asked for help with childcare and withdrawal treatment. They agreed, although I think they had a terrible relationship with Erin. I have been trying to do damage control on the relationship. As soon as we can arrange it, I will go into a detox facility. Hopefully before I run out of opiods, because I don't want to deal with withdrawal here. So, I am now staying at Erin's parents and Brian has my car and some money and is at my apartment. He has no skills and it is just a matter of time before he is on the street. By the way, do not trust Brian. He can be nice but can also be a total shit. I believe he gave me a date-rape drug and took advantage of me. And he has refused to take any part in Mary's care. He appears to be totally unreliable. There it is, the rest of the story." Clara said, "Whew. That's quite a story. I really do want the details sometime. So, what happens if you can't get into a treatment soon enough." Erin, "Erin's sister Fran is a city cop. She said that if necessary she can help me get into methadone treatment." Clara, "So are you the main caregiver for Mary?" Erin, "I have been the only caregiver for Mary since the mind switch. I'm afraid I've fallen in love with her. She is so sweet. And she seems to be fond of me. Before that, I think she got minimal care. She was dirty and terrified of water and somewhat lethargic when I first nursed her. When I started playing with her, like our mother did with us, she came alive." Clara, "So are you planning on keeping her?" Erin, "Absolutely. Everything I have set up is with the goal of keeping her." Clara, "Good for you. The foster care system is not good for kids. Better than nothing, but not good. What can I do?" Erin, "Visit me. I really need to have contact with you. Basically, I need a friend. I can sort things out so much better when I talk them over with you. Plus, I just feel better." Then Erin asked, "Could you also give me a recommendation for a treatment hospital and therapist? I don't know where mom and dad McLoughlin will send me, but it would be handy to have some ideas." Clara, "The treatment hospital is easy, St Mary's hospital. They are nationally recognized. Nobody else in town even comes close. I will text you a list of well-respected therapists tomorrow. Wait a minute. Your sister is Fran McLoughlin. She is hard-core, by the book. I'm surprised she didn't just arrest you when she heard about the drugs." Erin, "She threatened it. Dad McLoughlin put his foot down and wouldn't let her. But she scares me." Clara laughed, "You're not the only one she scares. She has half the social workers at the city and their clients buffaloed. Far out. I'm the sister of Fran McLoughlin's sister." Erin, "Clara, if you have some time could you also help take care of Mary a little while I'm in treatment?" Clara, "Absolutely, can you give me name and number for your mother. You can give her my name and number too." Erin gave her the number of the cell on which she had called Erin's mother earlier and walked over to phone on a desk on the hallway and said, "Wait, here is a home number too," and gave her that number. Then said, "By the way, Erin's mother does not know about the mind switch. So, I guess we just should say we were friends during High School but didn't see each other much because of the age difference and we went to different schools." Clara, "That's probably the best we can do. I was hoping we could pretend something more profound, like blood sisters or something. It might give me influence on Fran the next time she is being a bitch, which will probably be the next time I see her." Clara, "OK, one more question, should I say anything to our Mom and Dad?" Erin, "I don't know. I trust your judgement. But maybe not, because the whole thing sounds so crazy and I doubt you could convince them. But I do want you to tell them that you have heard that Brian had suddenly changed and was on drugs and quit his job. They need to be suspicious of him, so he cannot take advantage." Then she added, "Thanks, Clara. I appreciate you believing me and being willing to help. It means a lot." Clara. "That's what sisters are for. Speaking of which, I'm holding you to your promise about my wedding." Erin, "So you still want me to wear a tux and be Man of Honor." Clara, "No, silly, now I want you to wear a dress and be Maid of Honor. I mean it Erin. I want you there." Erin got teary at that and said she wouldn't miss it for anything, and then said goodbye. Then she went downstairs and wrote Clara's name and number on a notepad and gave it to her mother and said, "This is a friend from high school. She is a few years older than me, but we get along really well. I talked to her and she is willing to help some with childcare while I am in the treatment center, depending on time. She does work odd hours, so prior arrangements would have to be made. She is a real sweetheart and I absolutely trust her to take good care of Mary. She might call you, so please answer nicely." Her mother looked dubious but put the note under a magnet on the fridge. Then Erin said, "Clara works for the city of Blakefield in social work and said that by far the best drug treatment hospital in town is at St. Mary's. That would be a good choice if the price was right and I could get in soon. Clara will also be sending me a list of therapists she thinks are good. OK, I am tired and am going to bed." Her mother said, "OK. Good Night Dear." "Well, that is an improvement," thought Erin and hugged her mother and said, "Good night Mama. I love you." And went upstairs and lay down right beside the basinet and went to sleep. She had no dreams. Mary started fussing at about 6:30. Erin got up, took off her clothes and diapers, used a washcloth to clean her off, and then put on new diapers and nursed her for a half an hour. As usual Erin felt an almost magical connection as Mary nursed. Then Erin went through the now familiar routine of burping her, a sponge bath, and finally new diapers and clothes. Finally, Erin got a bitten in half red perc out of her purse and took it and thought to herself that two mornings from now she would start being in trouble. She carried Mary downstairs and found that her mother and father and Fran had already left for work. Her mother had left her a note that Fran would come by about 11 and talk about treatment options. Erin hoped the visit would not be too unpleasant. She rummaged around for breakfast, hoping for cereal and milk and a little fruit. The cereal was all very high-calorie sweetened cereal, there was no fruit, and the milk was whole. Erin toyed with the idea of skipping breakfast but know that that might result in overeating later. So, she compensated for high-calorie ingredients by making the portion of cereal and milk about half the size she would like. She was still determined that she was not going to remain 70 lbs. overweight, and even though that was not a major issue this morning, she would do what she could. She decided to write a grocery list and put baby diapers, skim milk, cheerios, and berries on the list. Then she carried her dishes over to the counter and noted there were dishes from last night and other's breakfasts also there. She loaded the dishwasher trying to use the same system her mother used. That still left pans that were apparently used to cook eggs and potatoes this morning, and a couple of other plates soiled with egg that needed to be hand washed. So, she filled the sink with hot water and soap, and washed them by hand and put them in a dish drainer on the counter. She noticed the floor was quite dirty. Well, she really had little to do until Fran arrived, so she rummaged around for a vacuum cleaner and broom and swept the bathroom and kitchen and vacuumed the living area and hallway. She did the latter one handed because she wanted to keep Mary's head up by her chest. She was concerned that Mary would get frightened at the noise or have some allergic reaction to dust, but Mary was apparently OK with it. As Erin was finishing up and contemplating mopping the kitchen floor, Fran came in. Fran looked at the scene and said, "Hey Prissy Bitch. Found something you can handle, did you? A new career path as a maid." Erin knew about Fran's hostility and thought there must be something behind it other than concern about her parents. She said, "I'm just trying to contribute, as long as I'm here." Fran, "Yeah, yeah. yeah. I suppose that is new. You certainly never did it before." Then she saw the grocery list Erin had made, and said, "What's the matter Prissy Bitch, Mom and Dad's food not good enough for you?" This was starting to wear on Erin, but she was determined not to react and give Fran more to fight about. So, Erin asked "Have you learned anything about treatment hospitals?" Fran, "Yeah, I learned that Blakefield General has 3 openings and can get you in this evening, and St Mary's has one opening and can get you in tomorrow afternoon. Both are within the time limit you gave me yesterday. I recommend you go to General. It is a little less expensive." Erin, "I have heard that St. Mary's is a better treatment hospital, nationally recognized, better programs, Higher success rate." Fran gave her a cold look. "Well, since you are spending Mom and Dad's money, you ought to be satisfied with what you get?" Erin. "Let's talk to Mom and Dad. If they want, I will go to Blakefield General." Then Fran noticed Clara's name and phone number on the refrigerator. "How did this bitch's name get up here?" That did it. Erin came up face to face with Fran (or more accurately face to chin) with her eyes blazing and said, "Clara is an old, dear friend of mine. She has volunteered to help with child care while I am in treatment. Unlike you, she is trying to do something positive. And what is with you? I know I did not do well in the past. But I have admitted it and am trying to change. Why are you attacking me constantly, when I am so determined to be positive with you? I know we didn't get along before. But I am trying so hard to make up for that. Can't you consider that before I was a stupid kid who screwed up and behaved meanly toward you. I know you are concerned about mom and dad, but I am trying to make my requests realistic and I am bound and determined to pay them back whatever they pay for treatment. You have everything I don't. You have a good career, and I threw away my opportunities in high school. You have the respect of the community and the community thinks I'm a worthless whore. You are pretty, beautiful even, and I'm just a fat kid. What is it about me that you hate so much and find so threatening?" Fran backed off a little, and said, "I don't know. It seems you are getting second and third chances nobody else gets and that you didn't earn. I'll think about it. I'm sorry I called your friend a bitch. She's actually a pretty reasonable person, for a social worker. Right now, I need to get some lunch and get back out on patrol." You think you could throw some of that pizza from last night into the oven for me? I need to use the bathroom? Erin, "OK". She turned the oven on preheat, found a pizza pan, laid out two slices, changed the oven to bake, and put in the pizza even though the oven was still heating. Ten minutes later Fran came out from the bathroom. The Pizza was not quite ready, but Fran took it out and ate it warm while Erin stood to the side carrying Mary. Fran said, "I will be here after work and Mom, Dad, you and I can talk." Then she left. By this time, Mary needed to be changed and nursed and put down for a nap. When that was done, Erin remembered she needed to write a list of Mary's care for her mother. Mary woke up early, needed changing and dressing again. After this Erin spent some time playing with Mary, which was both of their favorite thing. Then Erin decided she wanted to go for a walk. It was a cool clear day, so she needed a coat. She looked around and found one way back in the closet of her room. She tried it on. It was a bit big. Then she got the cover from the bed and wrapped Mary in it and headed out. She figured about a mile would be good. After a while, she heard someone call her, "Hey Erin." She looked over at a scruffy, non-descript young guy, who said "I heard you had a kid. What's her name?" Erin had no idea who this guy was and made sure she stayed out on the sidewalk in full view of the passing cars. "Her name is Mary." "Cute" the guy said as if he couldn't really give a damn. "Say, I have some merchandise if you are looking for it." Now things were becoming a bit clearer. He was dealing drugs. It made Erin wonder how long she had been addicted. Was this someone Erin dealt with for years. If so, how was that consistent with Mary not being addicted at birth, just a few months ago. If she talked a little maybe she could find out. "What kind of Merchandise?" "Pills, different kinds." "Red Perc's?" "Yeah, $19 each. But I might be tempted to take less for them." "(Ugh.) What did I buy before?" "Don't remember Erin. It's been a long time." Then Erin said, "I'm not in the market, just curious." The guy replied, "You know where to find me if you change your mind." Erin thought, 'Actually I have no idea, but I won't change my mind. So, it doesn't matter.' After that little incident, Erin decided she needed to get home. It had given her lots of food for thought. She looked at herself in the mirror. She was surprised to see she looked as scruffy as the guy selling drugs. Her hair was short for a woman and just combed but not brushed or styled. She wore no makeup or jewelry, same as the previous occupant of this body. Her clothes were sort of mix and match, jeans and a girl's shirt she'd found in the closet. As Brian, she had believed that you dress for success. Somehow, she did not think she looked like success right now. Was that how the dealer tabbed her as a potential customer? When she got back from treatment, she had to find a way to look more put together. Fortunately, she knew who to ask about fashion, Clara. From the conversation, Erin could not determine how long she had been addicted. The dealer was probably also an addict, so it was not clear what his comment about a long time meant. What was a long time to an addict? A couple of years? Or a couple of months? But the dealer's comment about "Hearing she had had a kid" would seem to indicate he had dealt to Erin before the baby had been born. Erin would be willing to bet she had been addicted during high school. That may have been why Erin had screwed up high school so bad. If so, why had Mary not been born addicted? Had Erin kicked the habit while carrying Mary and gone back later? That would indicate she was more responsible than her family thought. Or did an addict mother sometimes not pass the addiction on to the infant and Mary had just been lucky? Erin would love to know the answers to these questions because it would help her understand who Brian was now. But she couldn't see how she could find out much more without talking to Brian. She would try to call his apartment tonight. The value of the five pills that had kept her going was $95. Erin had had sex 6 times for $95 for an average of less than $16 per encounter. That made her not just a whore, but a cheap whore. But one of the sexual encounters had included caring and emotion, which made it more than a sexual encounter between a whore and a john. And another had been rape pure and simple. So, the payment per encounter had been more like $24. That somehow made Erin feel a little better. And although $95 was not a lot to the average person, it was a lot to a woman living on the street. Erin was happy that she hadn't reached rock bottom yet, but she knew if she wasn't successful in kicking the drugs and learning some sort of skill she could use to get a decent job, she wasn't far away from rock bottom. That thought made her even more determined to work as hard as she could at making her detox successful. At 4 PM, Erin nursed and changed Mary again, and decided to mop the floor while it was freshly swept. She put Mary in a safe place and found the cleaner under the sink and filled the sink with hot water. She found the sponge mop in the closet with the broom and did the floor. Then she put the mop away and wrote up her list of things that her mother should know about Mary's care. Finally, she spent some time playing with Mary. Her mom came home about 5:15. She decided to order out Chinese rather than cook. Erin's father got home at 5:30. Between the two arrivals, Erin managed to call Clara and get some more details about the two treatment programs, so she could contribute some facts to the conversation tonight. She told Clara about Fran's reaction to her name being on the refrigerator. Clara laughed and said at least she had Fran's attention. Fran and the Chinese both arrived at 6. Nobody even noticed all the cleaning Erin had done earlier. That's ok, she still felt good she had contributed. Then they sat down to eat. Once again Erin ate light, having a cup of Hot and Sour Soup and a single serving of Mu Shu Pork. This started Fran on the "Prissy Bitch" routine again. Erin just gritted her teeth and stayed silent. Fran went over what she had learned about treatment programs and ended with the recommendation that Erin be treated in the Blakefield General Hospital program because of cost and because Erin could start tonight. Erin said she would like one more day to get ready and she would like one more day with Mary before she went away for two weeks. She also pointed out that the St Mary's program was nationally recognized and exceeded every standard protocol for such programs. And she pointed out that the Blakefield General Program was aimed at drug offenders placed there by the courts who had been involved in criminal activity and had little to offer voluntary addicts who were trying to get their lives in order. Fran then exploded and said that an addict is an addict and Erin had obviously been involved in criminal activity in the prior months because she had not had a job and the guy she was with had not had a job so how would she had lived otherwise. The Blakefield General Hospital Program was the perfect place for her. Finally, her dad said, "OK, the Blakefield Program seems best. Let's get her to the hospital for registration." CHAPTER 6. DETOX, MEETING LATESHA Erin got up from the table and sobbed and went to Mary and held her as tight as she dared. God, this was goodbye to the baby she had come to love so much in the last week. Then, Erin walked over to her mother and said, "Mother, I made a list of Mary's likes and dislikes and would like to go over them with you." Her mother said, "I will look at the list later, but now we need to go." Erin said, "No mother, I need to tell you these things. It is important to me, and to you and Mary. I will not leave without." Her mother acceded, and Erin took out the list and went over them point by point. Then they all got in the car and headed out. Erin insisted on holding Mary as long as she could. Her father dropped them off in front of the Hospital, and Fran took them to registration. While they were waiting for the clerk, Erin took out her phone and called Clara and told her what had happened. Clara said, "Those bastards. I will come and visit later tonight. Chin up Brian." Then the intake worker entered her in the system. At the end, she had to give Mary to her mother and go through the doors. She sobbed as she was led away. The program people were unmoved. They had seen it all before. Inside the facility, Erin was made to change to a hospital robe and they put her possessions in a metal container and locked it in a long row of similar containers. Erin realized that it was the same as for the offenders committed by a judge. Then they took her to a bed in a small room with a single sheet and locked the door. They told her a Doctor would look in soon. Erin was miserable. It was the first time she had been alone as Erin. She wondered if she had made a terrible mistake going to Erin's parents for help? No, this was the only way that she could have a clean future with her daughter. This was something she had to do. But she hurt so much. Clara showed up before the Doctor did. Erin was very happy to see her. Clara said she had checked the registration and Erin would be here for two weeks with no possibility of involuntary extension as for the committed drug offenders. She could have visitors any time from 8 to 8, but no children for the first week. Clara asked when she had last had a perc and Erin said this morning. Clara said that most likely withdrawal would start tonight but would really set in tomorrow. Erin asked, "What should I expect?" Clara said, "This program is 100% cold turkey. They do not aim for a slow transition to sobriety. The only reason they have medical personnel at all is to deal with medical emergencies. Tomorrow you will experience chills, muscle pain, nausea, headache, diarrhea, and possibly some hallucinations and other mental confusion. It will be worst the first couple of days, but you will not feel a lot better for 4 or 5 days. You won't get any food until then. You couldn't keep it down anyway." Erin laughed and said, "Geez Clara, tell it straight up, don't sugar-coat it." Clara sort of laughed too and said, "I'm sorry Erin. I'll come by as often as I can. I love you Sis." That sort of got Erin's attention. 'She was now a Sis?' Erin replied, "I love you too Sis and they both cried and hugged each other." Then Clara had to leave. The doctor never did come in. Between missing Mary and being frightened at what was ahead of her and maybe the start of withdrawal, Erin had difficulty getting to sleep. At about midnight she managed to sleep for a few hours. She dreamed about the voice again, telling her to have courage, that everything would come out all right. She woke up about 3 AM feeling cold and shaking like a leaf, huddling under her sheet. A couple of hours later she called the attendant and said she felt nauseated. They let her go to the bathroom, where she heaved what she had in her stomach and eliminated what was in her colon. She went back to her room and dry heaved some more, even though nothing was there. Then her muscles started to hurt, God they hurt. She wrapped her arms around her and shivered. But what she mainly did was endure. Every few hours the nurses came in and checked her vitals. Every night Clara came to see her. Erin asked her again and again for news of Mary. Clara just said Erin's mother had not called her for help and when Clara tried to call her, she got no answer and got no response to "please call back" messages. Fran showed up 3 days in and checked her records and asked her how she was. Fran would not respond to questions about Mary. The only positive was she only called Erin a Prissy Bitch once. Her parents never showed up that first week. Finally, the fifth day came, and Erin fell into a deep sleep about 2 in the morning and when she woke up she almost felt human. The nurse came in and asked how she was doing and Erin told her she was doing better. The nurse asked if she wanted to eat. Erin realized she was famished. "Yes" she replied. They brought her breakfast, but she couldn't eat much after all. When morning came, the day nurse asked if she felt good enough to start therapy, and Erin said, "Sure. I don't have much else to do." So, she was moved from a private hospital room to a two-person studio apartment and given a pink striped dress to wear." The attendant explained that she was responsible for half the cleaning. That was fine with Erin, as she was bored out of her mind. She was told she had a session with a therapist, Dr. Geditch, at 1:30, two hours from that time. Then her roommate came in, a black girl named LaTesha. LaTesha asked her what she was in for. Erin explained that she was a voluntary treatment patient. LaTesha asked, "So how did you get into this place instead of a real treatment facility?" Erin explained that her parents didn't have much money and with the advice of her sister, a police officer, they had chosen to send her here. Then LaTesha said, "That was cold. You know that staff treats committed inmates and voluntary patients the same. Don't expect any breaks." Erin said she wouldn't. Then LaTesha put her name together with a memory and said, "Wait, your sister is Officer Fran McLoughlin? What a bitch. What is it like being related to her?" Erin said, "Well, my sister is sometimes challenging to deal with" and LaTesha laughed and said, "You got that right." Erin felt a connection with her roommate. LaTesha was smart and ambitious, but somehow had drifted into drugs when her boyfriend turned out to be a dealer. Then he was caught by police and she wound up charged as a coconspirator. Now she was determined to break the habit for good and get back to school and finish her education and go on to college. But she was worried she would be charged as an adult and be sent away for life. Erin told her about her mother who named Erin's daughter after herself when Erin was sedated after the baby's delivery, and who now was home raising her granddaughter in a car seat and hadn't even come to see Erin yet, and about her father who it seemed was always somewhere other than home. "Damn," she said, "You got one screwed up family, girl. Is that why you didn't finish high school? I'm not surprised." "Erin, "Maybe, but I'm determined to get clean, get my GED, and find a job and somewhere to stay and get my daughter out of there." LaTesha, it turned out had a very good family who loved her dearly and was devastated when she got involved with a drug dealer. They came to see her every day and were anxious to get her home safely. That night Fran came to visit right after dinner. The word had gotten around that Fran McLoughlin was on site and people were concerned that some sort of bad action was coming down. When Erin was escorted to the visiting area, Fran almost shouted , "Hey Prissy Bitch, you're done with withdrawal. I hope you're happy. Now you got to do the therapy. I'll be checking that you're working like you should." Erin, "Don't worry. I'll do everything I can do for the therapy. I didn't go through withdrawal to screw up now. How's Mary? Is mom coming to visit soon? Can she bring Mary? I've got to see her." LaTesha was at the next table visiting her parents, and it was impossible not to hear Fran. She gave Erin a look of sympathy. Fran, "Mom will be here when she can. Probably this weekend. I'll tell her you asked about bringing Mary. But I doubt it. She doesn't want Mary to be exposed to a scary place. I've advised her to not bring Mary." Erin gritted her teeth. "Can you bring me some books or magazines from home. I could really use something to read. Sometimes there's no therapy stuff to do and I don't like to watch TV." Fran laughed, "They don't allow comic books here. So, I can't bring you anything at your reading level. It's not worth the trouble bringing anything else." And laughed at her joke. Erin felt herself losing control of her anger and starting to tear up. She stood up and walked to the door to the apartments and told the attendant she was done visiting and went back to her apartment. Fran called, "Hey Prissy Bitch, aren't you going to say goodbye?" and laughed. Erin was shaking as she sat down at the table in her and LaTesha's room and tried to put what had just happened into perspective. She told herself there was nothing new, that she knew how Fran felt, that all she needed to do was work hard and get through the therapy stage and then she would be home with Mary again. But she felt hurt and scared nonetheless. She was still sitting there zoned out when LaTesha came in and said she was sorry. What else was there to say? About an hour later Erin had another visitor. She went out to see Clara in the visiting room. Erin was so happy she went over to hug her, but the attendant told her personal contact was prohibited. So, she just smiled and said, "God, Clara, it is so good to see you. How are you? How are Mom and Dad Sanders? How's everyone?" "Clara said, "Everybody's fine. Mom's working overtime because two of her staff left. Dad is busy teaching. He had to do two classes this quarter, because another math professor went on sabbatical. I'm doing fine. Robert will be taking leave from the Air Force over the holidays. I'm looking forward to that. How are you? Are you glad to get to the next step?" Erin, "Definitely. But I would really like to see Mary. I guess Fran has advised mom not to bring her to visit. I'm really bummed." Then she told her about Fran's visit. "What a bitch," Clara said when Erin was done. But it's all downhill from here, Erin. Just do the therapy you have to do and stay out of trouble and you will be home with Mary in a little over a week." Erin asked, "Clara, could you bring me some books. You know I don't watch much on TV, and sometimes the time drags. A little reading material would be great." Clara, "What would you like?" Erin, "Maybe the current and prior issues of Scientific American and Discover and the Economist?" Clara, "Hmm, that will certainly raise some eyebrows in here. I will check the university book store." Erin, "Thanks Clara. You're the best." Then they had to say their goodbyes and Clara left. Erin went back to her room, talked for a few minutes with LaTesha, and they both went to sleep. Erin had been concerned about her therapy sessions, afraid she would be asked to describe her first drug trip or something like that. She debated between either making something up, which she hated to do because it was lying, or just saying she didn't remember. In the end, she decided on just saying she didn't remember if she didn't know. She thought that might result in a report that she was uncooperative during therapy. But she hoped being extra cooperative in cases where she had something to contribute would make up for the 'don't knows'. In her first session, the therapist started out by asking her to describe her early life and how she got into drugs. Erin said she thought she was transgendered when she was young. She drifted into running with a troubled crowd and got into drugs in high school through peer pressure. She volunteered to go to detox because she realized she was on the wrong track in her life and because she had a daughter she loved, and she wanted to be able to support her. Every time the therapist asked about her earlier drug use, Erin came back to how much she loved her daughter. She talked about the routine she used to care for the child, how she had fought for detox, and how she was looking forward to being able to care for her daughter again. The therapist was not stupid and realized he was being stonewalled, but also got the message that Erin was already very motivated. When the session was done, the therapist told her that she had a leg up on others undergoing the same process because of preexisting motivation. In the next session, they would discuss triggers that might cause a relapse and how to avoid relapsing. This sounded like a useful session to Erin because she knew that her body was used to drugs and might respond to triggers to induce a relapse. The therapist also scheduled her for a group session before the next individual session. At the group session, the leader asked her to describe her experiences with drugs. Instead she said she couldn't remember much from before Mary was born, but after Mary was born she came to realize she needed to be clean to take care of her daughter. So, she took several steps. She cut her drug use in half and voluntarily decided on detox and therapy, which is why she was here. She talked about how close she was to her daughter and how motivated she was to succeed. The other participants, master manipulators themselves, knew she wasn't answering the question and jumped all over her. "You have to know. I know. He knows. Everybody knows. You're playing us." "I honestly don't remember much about drug use in high school," she replied. "But even more important, I think you need to know who I am now more than you need to know who I used to be." She hoped the report from the moderator would not be that she was evasive but rather that she was motivated. However, the therapy did remind Erin that her body really did have a drug problem and she had to take therapy seriously. She didn't make initial the decision to take perc's and never sought them. As Brian, she would never have been involved in drugs because she liked to be active and had many goals in life that were incompatible with drugs. When she became Erin, she had cut her drug usage as much as possible and she was actively trying to get clean. But she did remember times in the last two weeks when she was under the influence and it had felt good. Her body had clearly been affected by the perc's. So, there was a real danger she would relapse. The word got around about the visit from Fran and how Erin had been treated. One good thing from Erin's perspective was that her treatment by Fran prevented most other patients from thinking that she was some sort of spy for her sister. The treatment facility was almost part of the jail, so there would be always be some who suspected it was all a ruse and that Erin was a plant. But most of the patients accepted that Erin was just another addict. That was definitely better than being thought a snitch. Once in a while Erin wondered if that was why Fran had been so loud in her criticisms that night. It turned out LaTesha and Erin were similar in outlook, so much so that staff took to calling the tall fat blond and the petite athletic black girl the Bobsi twins. Erin felt very lucky she had LaTesha as a roommate. Doubly so when she learned about the policy that if contraband was found in a room, both residents were deemed responsible. The facility assigned a share of housekeeping to all the inmates. That plus required cleaning on her room filled almost two hours a day. Erin tried volunteering for other work, just to fill the time, but was told by LaTesha that that she shouldn't because it made her look suspicious to the other patients. Soon she fell into a routine, wake up, try to find something she felt good eating for breakfast, then either do therapy or chores in the facility, sit around, go to lunch and try to find something she felt good eating, therapy or housekeeping, clean room, sit around, go to dinner and try to find something she felt good eating in the dinner, and finally visiting hours. The high point of her day was Clara's visit, and Erin was deeply grateful she came every day. The third night after finishing withdrawal, Clara brought the latest issue of Scientific American and The Economist, which she had to give to the attendant for check-in, before Erin could get them." "Although Clara and Brian had been close, Clara and Erin could share more and were even closer. Clara asked an endless series of questions about what Erin felt about being a woman and mother. "Do you think your feelings for Mary are some sort of hormonal thing or a duty, or related to the magic that switched bodies? How do you feel nursing? Have you had a period yet? Would you prefer being a man or a woman? Have you had sex? Do you like boys?" Finally, Erin said, "Can we talk about something else. I just don't know about these things." Clara responded, "That's why I'm asking. You need to know who you are Erin. Are you a man, Brian, trapped in a woman's body? Or are you a woman with memories and abilities and behavior patterns inherited in some way from a man named Brian? I'm trying to make you think." Erin, "I'm thinking. But I don't know enough about myself to come up with answers. And I won't until I get out of here and experience more of life as Erin." Erin frequently asked Clara opinion about Erin's appearance. "How do I look to you? Do I look fat? What should I weigh? What should I do to improve my appearance to make it easier to get work? Should I style my hair? Wear Makeup? Pierce my ears? What should I do about my tattoos? What should I wear at work? Almost all my clothes are either cheap and casual or are from high school? If I had money to buy some clothes, what would I start with?" Clara was honest and said, "Yes you are very chubby, but you are pretty and seem to have your eating under control. To find work you will need to get your hair cut and styled. Yes, you should learn to do makeup and pierce your ears. Whether to wear makeup at a job interview depends on the job. What you wear at work also depends on the job. If you are able to work as an engineer again, you can still wear jeans in the field, but otherwise wear a professional looking skirt and blouse. Yes, I would love to go shopping with you to help you update your wardrobe." And of course, they talked about Erin's old and new family, Clara's job, Clara's boyfriend, the wedding, Mary, music, and intellectual matters and current events. Erin enjoyed these conversations for their own sake as well as just because she needed the connection. Erin's mother and father never did come to visit. This was OK because Erin was furious at being totally separated from her baby and would probably have unloaded on her mother. The day before Erin completed her two weeks, Fran visited again. Erin was wary, but Fran behaved in a businesslike manner. She said that "OK, you have completed the minimum amount necessary for me not to press charges against you for child abuse. Dr. Geditch has said he didn't think you have been totally forthcoming about everything you have done. But he's satisfied that you have sincerely worked on issues related to drug abuse." Despite herself, Erin gave a sigh of relief. Fran, "You will be released on Monday and I will pick you up and take you home." Erin, "But the 14 days are up on Friday night and I want to go home then." Fran "The jail requires a lot of processing for inmates being transferred out of detox, so you can't get out on the weekend. Don't worry, it won't cost mom and dad any extra money," she said and laughed. Erin said, "But I'm a voluntary treatment patient. Why does it matter what the jail requires? Fran, "Hey, those are the rules and that's the way it is." Erin choked down her disappointment at another delay in being with Mary and said, "OK, what time Monday?" Fran, "They will process you in the afternoon, and I will pick you up after work." Erin, "OK, I guess I will see you then." At that she got up and went back to her room. Somehow Erin always wound up in tears when she talked to Fran. And that itself was surprising. As Brian she had never cried. Now she seemed to cry at the drop of a hat. That night when Clara came by for supposedly the last visit, Erin told her about the delay. Then she said, "It's OK if you don't visit on the weekend. I already feel guilty about taking so much of your time." Clara said, "Nonsense, Of course I will be here Saturday and Sunday, maybe during the day though. So, what are you planning to do when you get home?" Erin, "The first thing is to reestablish my relationship with Mary. Do you know if I can resume breastfeeding after not doing it for two weeks?" Clara, "I'm pretty sure you can. I can print out some advice from the web. I also think there is such a thing as a lactation councilor. I can find out and tell you tomorrow." Erin, "That would be great. I don't have any idea whether Mary has forgotten me or how she will respond to me. I don't know how my mother has been caring for her. I want to make frequent times for us to be close. Other than that, I will play it by ear. I also need to find a good drug counselor, to make Fran happy. I don't want her to suddenly flip out and decide to turn me in for child abuse." Clara said, "I did send some suggestions to you. You should find them on your email when they give you your phone back." Erin, "One more thing I need to do is start on my GED. I think it ought to be pretty easy for me." Clara, "Hmm, those three things are going to keep you busy. I hope there is not anything else?" Then they drifted off into less substantial topics. After about half an hour, Clara had to leave, and they said their good-byes and Erin went to her room and talked with LaTesha for a while before going to bed. Finally, Monday came. Erin said goodbye to LaTesha at lunch. They both wished each other the best and promised to get together sometime and gave each other contact information. In the afternoon one of the attendants came and took her to the front office for processing out of detox. Erin packed what she had, which was almost nothing, mainly her two magazine issues, and went to the front office and filled out and signed seemingly endless forms. Next, she picked up the stuff she had had when she came in and changed clothes and gave her hospital clothing back to the attendant. Then they told her that when her ride showed up to remember to get the records of her detox and evaluations of councilors and recommendations for further counseling. Erin said, "I'm an adult. Why can't you just give them to me now. I'd like to see them. They're my records." But apparently, this wasn't allowed. They had to turn them over to a responsible party. More frustrations. Finally, Erin was done processing out and sat in the public area and waited for Fran to come sign for her and take her home. Erin was surprised that her phone still had a charge. She briefly phoned Clara but got voice mail. She left a message telling Clara where she was and thanking her for visiting her this week. It was a lifesaver. Then she went through her emails. Only two were important. One was a list of councilors and comments about each from Clara. The other was a chatty email from Brian asking how things were going. Apparently, he had learned how to use the laptop she'd left with him. As she expected, Brian was having a hard time. He had found a job but lost it after a few days. He was basically asking for advice and help. One thing he noted was that he was really happy enough being a man, even a small man, and he wasn't interested in any effort to figure out what had happened to them and switch back. She emailed a reply that she had just gotten out of detox and didn't have any way to directly help him, but that she would think about what he might do and get back to him later in the weekend. God, she didn't need another responsibility. But she supposed Brian had issues that weren't his fault, just as she did. With that done, Erin spend the rest of the time reading her two magazines for the umpteenth time. Fran finally showed up at 6:30 and walked in the door and said loudly, "Hey, Prissy Bitch. Let's get a move on." Erin reminded Fran that she had to sign Erin out in order for her to leave. So, Fran signed the log. Then Erin had to remind the attendant to give Fran the records of treatment, and they finally headed home. When they arrived, her mother was puttering around in the kitchen and Mary was strapped into the car seat on the dining room table. Her mother greeted Erin casually. Erin tried to think of something positive and cheerful to say but was so furious that she just couldn't. She went over, unstrapped Mary, and held her against her shoulder crying. Mary sensed her turmoil and started fussing. Then Erin fled up to her room with Mary in her arms.