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No Way Out Janet L. Stickney [email protected] My inability to control my urges had led me to take many risks. Risks that I knew might cause me severe embarrassment and ridicule if I was found out, but I simply could not stop. My compulsion was so much stronger than my fear that I took the risks whenever I thought it was safe. My mother had left for work earlier, and left home alone, I gathered up my pitiful few clothes I would need and went to my room. As soon as I pulled on the panties I felt the calming effect of the soft material come over me. I took about an hour to get dressed, with my hair pulled into a ponytail and my makeup done. Gingerly, I stepped out of my room, the high heels making no sound on the thick carpet of the hallway. I went to the kitchen and started a pot of coffee, admiring the way I looked whenever I stepped in front of the tall mirror hung on the hall closet door. I had just poured myself some coffee and sat down when the back door opened! My mother saw me sitting there, stunned at what she saw. She had on occasion, found some of her clothes out of place before, but she had never once considered the fact that it might be me trying on her clothes. As the look of stunned fear etched on my face gradually faded to just fear, she sat down across from me. "Now I know why my clothes were out of place once in a while!" I sat there, my head hung down, my eyes riveted on the floor as she spoke. "Look at me Robert." I raised my head, and she could see just how badly my makeup looked. "It seems that you have something to tell me. Want to try?" I looked at her, and saw no sign of hatred or anger, but no compassion either, just a questioning look. I did not know how to start. All of my emotions had bubbled to the surface at once, now a turmoil of jumbled thoughts mixed with fear, yet I knew I had to tell her what she wanted. "I've felt this way since I was real little. Once in a while I get dressed and sit here. I never go anywhere!" The last, said in a shrill voice that gave her a better idea of my fear level. "I bought all of these clothes. None of them are yours." She sat there, unsure of what to do, but she could see the pain on my face as well as the shame of her discovery. "Are these the only clothes you have?" I nodded my head yes. I watched as she called her office and took a few days of vacation time. "I think it's time we talked about this, and maybe I can help you look a bit better. Maybe even get you some clothes that fit you better." She took me by the hand and I followed as she took me to her bedroom, confusion and excitement mixing with the remnants of my fear. I had no idea what she was going to do, but she started smiling which was a good sign. "Get undressed and call me. I'll be back." I did as she asked, standing in my panties when she walked back in the room. my skinny frame was damp with anticipation sweat, my dirty blonde hair hanging limp, laying on my shoulders like a wrap. "Just how good do you want to look when you're dressed like a girl Robert?" As much as I wanted to say it, the words refused to leave my mouth. "I'll bet you want to look so good nobody would ever know. Am I right?" I gave her a slow nod of the head. "That's exactly what I thought, so that is exactly what we are going to do! Hold your arms up!" She began to smear a pink cream all over me, right down to my panty line. She even did my eyebrows! By the time I stepped out of the shower my skin was smooth and hair free, with no trace of a beard. My family tree has some Indian background, and the legacy of this was the gift of virtually no facial hair. My mother handed me some clean panties which I quickly stepped into, then she led me back into the bath where she washed my hair in a light blonde rinse, using her shampoo to make my hair soft and easy to brush. Using her measuring tape she gathered the information she said she would need, making notes as she went. Checking the clothes I had bought, she salvaged only the skirt. "It looks like we have some shopping to do Robert. Get some clothes on and we'll go see what we can find for you." I pulled my hair into a ponytail again, slipped on my jeans and a shirt, grabbed some socks, put my shoes on, and followed mom out of the house. The first store that we visited happened to be one of my favorite lingerie stores. I had spent more than a few visits gazing over their fine selection of corsets, garter belts, panties, and other sexy attire. On such occasions I would fantasize about wearing those very clothes, and now it looked like I was about to live that fantasy! my mother walked up to one of the sales attendants, a young woman named Janet, and asked her for help. "We need a few items. Maybe you can help us." I turned bright red at this, but the girl must have known it was for me, because She just looked me up and down and then led us to the corsets. "He'll need one of these for starters", she said, then proceeded to pick a few different styles from off of the display and hold them up to my chest. Mom selected a flesh colored satin corset with lots of boning and detachable shoulder straps. Finally, the girl led us to a display of inexpensive breast forms, and while I stood there, mom and the clerk discussed what size I should have! They ended up deciding on a B cup. From there we went to a major department store where mom bought me two packages of mixed color panties, two new bras in 36 B, a waist nipper, a package of pantyhose, and a padded pantybrief. In the shoe department, much to my embarrassment, I had to try on shoes. We left with two pairs of heels and a pair of flats. In the dress department she bought me a single dress and two blouses. "Lets go home and get you fixed up Robert." As we walked through the mall, mom saw a makeup store, and taking me by the arm they went in. I had to sit there while the woman determined the perfect shades of makeup for me, and as soon as we had what she suggested, we left the mall. Once I was back in my mothers room she had me strip to my panties again, then she wrapped the corset around me, my arms in the air as she tightened the laces. "I suppose you're wondering why I'm doing this. Well, for one thing, you need it. Second, I need it. You had a sister. Marilyn was her name. She died shortly after birth and I always wondered what she would look like. Now I'll have the chance to see for myself." I looked at her, saw the tear in the corner of her eye and went to her, hugging her close, my own tears running down my cheeks, dripping on her blouse. "Lets get started shall we?" I raised my arms again as she pulled the laces tighter, crushing me in a vise of satin and steel. My mother showed me how to manipulate my flesh that was now compressed and squeezed into the bra of the corset to create a very nice looking cleavage. She sat me at her vanity and began to show me the proper way to do makeup. By the time she was done all traces of my facial masculinity was gone. In its place was a very pretty young girl. Then she wet my hair and began to set it in rollers using a spray gel after the rollers were in. I had to endure the plastic cap of the hair dryer for thirty minutes before she let me get dressed the rest of the way. She wanted to help, but I told her I could do it myself, so she left the room. I sat on the bed and pulled the pantyhose on, tucking myself just before I pulled on the padded pantybrief. I slipped on the new dress we had bought, struggling with the zipper up the back. I felt the material close around me as the zipper closed, the swell of my breasts against the soft material making me smile at my reflection in the mirror. The dress was a shirtwaist style, but the hem was a good 2" above my knees. It was white, with a small orchid print on it, the collar flat on my shoulders left the neckline open enough to see a hint of my new cleavage. I stepped into my new white flats, and called my mother back. She smiled at me and began to unroll my hair, brushing it out then trimming my bangs. When she was done, my hair was every bit as feminine as any other girls. I had waves that framed my face while the back was extra curly. She handed me a pair of white button earrings which I clipped on, then she fastened a white necklace around him, the small pendant hanging just perfectly between my breasts. When mom was done with my hair, I went to the vanity and colored my lips with a deep red. I turned to face my mother, resplendently dressed as a 16 year old girl. I followed her as she walked out to the patio behind the house. With every step I could feel the material of the skirt swaying, the taste of the makeup and the smell of the perfume I had on making me feel more like a girl than ever before. "Since you're all dressed up now, and looking very pretty I might add, we can't let all of this work go to waste, so I made reservations for dinner at your favorite place. But before we go out we need a name for you. I can't very well call you Robert can I! Do you have a name you like?" I had not really thought that far ahead, but I liked the name Jill, so that's what I told her. "Okay Jill, lets get you a purse, I'll cleanup a bit myself and we'll go to dinner!" The very thought of going out dressed this way excited me, but my fears once again rose to the surface, almost choking me. While my mother changed, I sat at a table on the patio. I was fine until my neighbor came over to the table. I looked up right into the eyes of a girl I had grown up with! Beth stood there a minute until she realized exactly who I was. "Well I'll be damned!" Just then mom walked out on the patio. "Hi Mrs. Benson!" "Hi Beth, I see you've met Jill. We were just on our way to dinner, maybe you would like to join us." "Give me a few minutes to clean up and I'll be right back!" Beth raced across the yard and into her house. "I'm dead Mom! Beth will tell everybody! I might as well go upstairs and kill myself rather than wait for the other kids to do it for me!" "I don't think so," mom said, "I'll bet She just found a girl in the neighborhood her age. The only other girl her age I might add!" I was very nervous as I waited. Beth came back in 20 minutes, her makeup refreshed and she had changed into a dress much like the one I was wearing. "Before we go Beth, You have to promise to not let on about Jill's secret. It took a lot of nerve for her to just sit here in the open like this, and going out to dinner is a very big deal. If you can't make that promise Jill will go in the house and change." "Tell! This is like having a sister! You can count on me to keep my mouth shut Mrs. Benson." "Okay then, let's go girls." I was still scared of course, especially with Beth sitting in the seat behind me, and I fought the urge to jump out of the car, taking deep breathes until I calmed down. It was a short walk into the restaurant which I bravely made without incident. Dinner was uneventful as not one person jumped up and yelled "AHA!" I finally, almost relaxed and enjoyed a dinner of ravioli and meatballs. Just as dessert was about to be served my moms boss came over to the table! "Hi Mary! I thought I saw you sitting here with these two beautiful young ladies." "Tim, this is Beth, and Jill. Jill is staying with me for the summer and Beth is a neighbor." "You know, we have two openings for file clerks, maybe these girls would like to fill those jobs for the summer." "I'll let you know in a few days Tim, but thanks for the offer. I'm sure the girls will take the jobs." After he left the table Beth was all bubbly at the prospect of a summer job working in an office rather than a burger joint. "This is great Jill! We can wear nice clothes instead of greasy jeans!" Afraid of being discovered, I was more scared than ever, and had no intention of taking a job as a girl! "But this is my first... I mean.... what if somebody discovers.... I'd be dead!" Mom said, "It's entirely up to you Jill, but it certainly would give you a chance to experience what it means to be a girl." Seeing doubt on her face, she added, "we can talk about this later, when we have more time." We finished dinner and left for home, the sweat gathering at the base of my spine as I felt the events of the day gathering and making me wonder if this is what I really wanted. I lay in bed that night, wrapped in a nightgown mom had given me, going over every single moment of the day. From the moment I had the hair remover smeared all over my body to the minute I climbed into bed. But my focus was the offer of a job, working as a file clerk, a female file clerk. Dressing as a girl and being accepted as one had been a constant dream of mine for a long time, and now that I had the chance, I'm more than a little apprehensive about it. It took me a while to fall asleep, where my dreams of being a girl started once again, but this time I had some experiences for my mind to draw on. I woke early the next morning, felt the slick material of the nightgown and knew that I could not say no to being a girl, no matter what. For my own peace of mind I had to at least try being a girl for one more day. I looked in the mirror and saw the skinny kid the jocks always teased. At 120 pounds I was at least 40 pounds lighter and 4" shorter than the rest of the guys in my class. I was smart though, consistently at the top of the class in grades, so even though I could not compete with them physically, I always beat them with my brain. I knew that my size was, and would be, to my advantage if I kept dressing as a girl, so after some reflection on what I was doing, I quietly went to the dresser and started to get dressed. Clean panties, the waist nipper, pantyhose, padded pantybrief, and this time, one of the new bras. Once the breast forms were slipped into the cups of the bra, I saw that they gave me a nice shape. A blouse and skirt, then the black flats. I went to the kitchen, started the coffee, and waited until mom came in. When mom saw me, she knew that my desire to dress like a girl had overcome me, especially after yesterday. The trip to the restaurant had put some of my fears to rest, and the thrill of doing something I really wanted brought me to understand that by being careful I could look like a girl my age and get away with it. "I see that Jill has returned!" "Can we talk Mom?" Mom sat down across from me and listened as I poured out my soul to her. My fears and desires, my questions about right and wrong, if I was crazy or not. Mom had wondered if she was doing the right thing by letting me dress as a girl, but deep in her heart I know she felt I would do it in secret anyway, so why not help me do it right? At least this way she would have some control over me. "You are not crazy! What you are doing is right for you because you need it. If you want, we can find out more about what you feel and why, but for now why don't you just relax and enjoy it." We had breakfast, then in a moment of inspiration, mom suggested that we use the internet to find out what we could about boys that like to dress as girls. Since I was quite proficient with the computer, mom only watched as I searched for the information. One of the places we found sold a variety of products for people like me, including a fake vagina that looked so real that at first we both thought it was a picture of the real thing! But as we read more, we found out how much it cost and found an order form. I printed it out. Then we found an organization that catered to people like me, and it was in our area! There was a phone number which mom wrote down. After several hours on the net we both knew that I was not so abnormal. There seemed to be a lot of males that liked to wear women's clothes! Mom helped me with my makeup again, showing me how to do my hair, and suggested that I might want to do my nails, just as a fun thing to do. How could I resist? I was sitting at the kitchen table painting my nails a nice shade of plum when Beth came over. Beth wanted to go to the mall and just hang out, shop, and generally goof off. "We can shop for clothes for our new jobs Jill! Maybe you can get you ears pierced too." I looked at mom, and she merely said it was up to me to make that decision, but if I decided to go, then I might as well get some more clothes, and handed me her credit card! I had made up my mind by then. I was going to keep dressing as a girl for as long as I could, so I took the credit card, smiled at mom, then Beth and I left the house. We started walking towards the mall with Beth giving me lessons on how to walk as we went along. "Try keeping your elbows closer to your body and take shorter steps Jill." By the time they had walked the 10 blocks I had it down pat, and we were now walking in step, our skirts swaying with that undulating movement of the hips that women had. We walked in perfect unison, our steps exactly equal. The very first place Beth took me was a shop where I had my ears pierced and plastic inserts put in. As we left the store I could feel the slight tug of the dangle earrings as they moved with my every step. It was a pleasant reminder of just how feminine I felt right then. We stayed at the mall all day, and I bought several more dresses and three skirts, with three blouses and two more pairs of shoes. As Beth and I picked out clothes and tried them on, I became more and more at ease, right up to the time when Jim Harsen and two others from school saw us and walked over. Beth did all of the talking, but all of the guys smiled at me, and one made a pass at me. None showed any indication that they knew who I really was, but there was no way out and I had to stand there and smile while my insides were turning to jelly! By the time the guys left I was an emotional wreck! Beth told me I did just fine, none of the guys knew, or even suspected, that I wasn't what I seemed to be, and for me to just relax. By the time we returned to my house I had calmed down a little, and had started to joke with Beth about our encounter with the guys. "I'm going home to eat Jill. Maybe we can do something tonight, like go to a show or something." I nodded my head yes and went in the house carrying my packages. After I was in my room, I turned on the computer, accessed the site mom and I had found and ordered a few things. I shut the machine down smiling to myself. Even though I was scared when the guys I knew talked to Beth and I, I knew that they did not recognize me, which gave me a lot of confidence. To say I was terrified that they might recognize me would be an understatement. The relief I felt when they did not, boosted my confidence more than I had ever anticipated before we went to the mall. That's when I decided that if I was going to go out dressed as a girl I had better be able to at least look as perfect as possible, everywhere it was possible, so I had ordered those very special items. I had taken the next step in my transformation. Beth and I went to the show that night, both of us wearing short summer dresses. All we got were admiring glances from some of the guys in the theater. On Monday I went back to school as my male self of course, waiting for the end of school, just a few days away. Wearing the heavy jeans felt so different from the soft, light material the dresses were made of, and I had to be careful how I walked and moved my arms and hands now. I had quickly adopted the feminine style of mannerisms, which even mom commented on. On Thursday a package came for me and I took it to my room, expecting and hoping it was the items I ordered. I opened the box and saw several smaller boxes. I closed the door, and in the privacy of my room, I carefully read the instructions. The first thing I had to do was shave my groin, which I did, then after a trial run, I applied the adhesive and slipped it on. Making sure my member was in the internal sheath, I pressed down on the edges until was sure that the glue had set. Then I looked in the mirror. All traces of my maleness were gone, in its place was a very realistic vagina, including hair! I couldn't wait and went to the bath and tried it out. The splash of water told me that everything was working fine, and smiling to myself, I put some panties on and called for mom to join me. When mom walked into the room and saw me smiling like I had swallowed the proverbial canary, she knew something was up, but didn't get it right away. With a flourish I slipped two fingers into the waistband of my panties and yanked them down. She saw what I looked like, and almost fainted! "Great isn't it Mom! I bought the breastforms too. When school is out I'll try those!" "I guess this means that you plan to try being a girl for the summer?" "Ya, I thought I would take that file clerk job with Beth. I figure after a whole summer I'll know for sure if this is right for me or not." What could she say? She had let me openly express my feminine side, and now I had decided to be a girl for the summer. She resigned herself to it. Having a daughter meant more than having a son in a lot of ways. I wore the device for the rest of the week, then on Friday afternoon after school was out I went home and changed. I started with the cream hair remover again, shaving under my arms as close as possible before I returned to my bedroom and laid out the clothes I would wear. The device I had on gave me the small pouch that all female have just above their pubis, and when I pulled on the white shorts I had an excellent "line". The breastforms also glued on, and after I used a bit of makeup on the thin seams they became as if they were my own. The bra held them firmly in its grasp while giving me a modest cleavage. Smiling broadly, I sat at the vanity and put my makeup on. Light foundation, a powder cover which I brush away, a very light blusher, and some pink lipstick. I looked as if I wore no makeup at all. Doing hair was still a bit of a mystery, so I pulled it into a ponytail and used a pink elastic to hold it in place, then stepped into my white flats and went to the kitchen to make some lunch and start dinner. By the time mom got home dinner was ready and on the table. Mom said nothing about the way I was dressed. The next morning Beth and I went with mom to apply for the jobs. I used all of the correct information except I ticked the box labeled female on my application. Both of us were hired and put to work right away. I was smart, able to instinctively know what my boss would need in advance, and was always ready with whatever he asked for. My boss also found out that my ability with a computer rivaled, or was better, than most of the people he had using them now! Within the week he promoted me, gave me a small raise, and a desk of my own. Each day, as I learned more about the office and how it was run, I began to see ways to improve things. Things were going along fine until mom called me into her office. "Jill, this is Lani Woods. She runs the payroll department here and is a long time friend of mine. She was submitting your taxes to the government when the computer spit out your real name. I have to tell her what is going on, so I asked you to be here when I did." I looked at the woman sitting on a chair by the window. "It's nice to meet you Jill, I'm Lani Woods." She put her hand out for Jill who took it. "Sit down dear." I sat, my knees locked together, and waited, unsure of what was going on, but knew that this woman knew my secret. "I heard about your skills with a computer and Harold, your boss, says you do outstanding work." She looked at Jill directly. "I've known your Mother for 15 years Jill, and if she says you have to be dressed like a girl it's fine with me. I'll keep your secret. Besides, I don't care what you wear in my department as long as the work is first rate and well done." "But I don't work for you Ma'am!" "You do now. I need somebody that's sharp on computers, and you're it. You're young and I can teach you what you need to know about accounting and payroll." I hesitated because I didn't know what to say. "It means a raise by the way, and a slightly bigger office. Want the job?" I looked at mom who was smiling and nodding her head yes. "Yes Ma'am, I'd like that a lot. Thank you." I was transferred to payroll and things went smoothly for me. With my first pay check I bought some more clothes and shoes, and my mother treated me to a trip to the salon where I had my hair styled and nails done by a professional. I was now very sure of my abilities and the feeling that I was doing the right thing grew stronger each day. Beth and I spent all day Saturday at the mall, carefully shopping. Beth was watching for cute guys at the same time, but I took no notice of the many young men that were watching us as we walked along. "Jill, you can't be a nun you know! You look great! Why not just talk to the guys and see what happens?" I knew that Beth was right, but no matter how I looked, I was just to scared to talk to guys I went to school with, so Beth simply ignored me and walked over to Bill Hardesty and Jeff Matson, two of our friends from a class in school. Without looking like a snob, I had no choice but to go with her. Jeff watched me walking towards them, my short dress showing lots of very nice looking legs, my smile was simply terrific. It was obvious, even to me, that he was in love! Beth saw the look in his eye and stole a glance at me. Everything about me screamed female and that is exactly how Jeff saw me. "Hi! This is Jill Benson, a friend of mine from work." Bill nodded at me, but Jeff took my hand in his and gently grasped it. "Nice to meet you Jill. I'm Jeff Matson, and this is Bill Hardesty. Would you girls like to have a cola with us?" "Sure!" Beth spoke up before I could say anything, and I found myself walking along with Jeff. He is taller than I am by at least 6", and with his short brown hair and wide shoulders looked like the football player he is. He has brown eyes, a wicked smile, and he never had any trouble attracting girls to date. I was excited, yet scared that I would be recognized, but Jeff never gave one sign that he saw me as anything but a girl. I relaxed a bit, then, following Jeff's direction, slid into the booth with him right next to me. Beth was smiling the whole time, knowing, or guessing what I was thinking. The guys treated of course, and after a we had been there a while Jeff asked me if I would go to a show with him that night! "I.. I don't know Jeff. I have to ask my Mom." "Say yes and make me the happiest man in the world Jill...please!" To my own shock, I nodded my head yes! "Great, I'll be over at 7 then." I gave him instructions to my house, then Beth and I left for home. "Your first date, and it's with one of the good guys in school!" "Ya, I can hardly wait until he discovers I'm not a girl!" "He won't, unless you tell him, and I know that you look like a girl under those clothes because I was with you when you tried those dresses on remember?, so relax! It's just a date, not a life commitment." Beth had seen me naked, once, when I was in a changing room and both of us had been trying on clothes. "I guess. He does seem awful attentive. Might be fun if I can relax." By the time I got home I was all smiles. Mom was on the patio out back when I told her I had a date that night. "Oh, you and Beth going out?" "No Mom. A date. You know, boy meets girl, falls madly in love with girl and asks her out. That kind of date. His name is Jeff Matson. He'll be here at 7, so I'm going up and clean up and change." I spun on my little heel and left mom with her mouth open, wondering just what would happen next. In my room I stripped, and after I put on a plastic cap, had a nice cooling shower. I decided while I was in the shower that if I was in for a penny, I was in for a pound, so after drying off, I pulled out my hot pink satin panties, slipped then on and then put the matching bra on. I fluffed my boobs to give myself more cleavage, and then sat at the vanity to do my makeup. I knew that less was more, so I went light on the foundation and only used soft pastel colors on my eyes. Green, with a plum highlight, soft brown eyeliner and pencil, a coral blusher, and a soft pink lipstick. For my first date ever, I decided to wear the new blue and white skimmer style dress. On top it was like a shirtwaist style, but the skirt was shorter, about 2" above my knees. It fit perfectly without the waist nipper or the corset while letting me show just a hint of cleavage. The dress hugged my skin, accenting my waist, narrowed by the special panty, while flaring at the waist which gave me wider hips and a bigger more rounded bottom. I slipped my feet into the white flats and fastened some blue and white earrings to my ear lobes, a matching necklace around my neck, and the new gold watch on my wrist. Finally I gave myself a dash of perfume. Then I removed the plastic cap, brushed my hair back in place, grabbed my purse, and went to the familyroom to await my date for the evening. This is the biggest gamble I would ever take. Going out on a date, dressed as a girl, with a classmate could turn ugly in a minute if I was recognized by anybody, but I had decided that if I could work as a girl and not be discovered, then I could also go on a date. If I was recognized, or someone thought I was a male, I could actually have another girl watch as I took my panties off, and prove that I wasn't a male. The device I had on was so close to my own skin color that I doubted anyone would notice. The same with my brand new breastforms. They seemed to be my own. Jeff came to the door right on time and was admitted by mom. "You have her home by midnight young man. Okay?" "Yes Ma'am!" Mom watched as I took another boys hand and walked out of the house on a date. Jeff was attentive to me, which was a totally new experience. I sat next to him in the theater, and occasionally he would hold my hand or put his arm around my shoulder, but he did not try to kiss me. But when he took me home, I was unable, maybe unwilling, to stop him from taking me in his arms and kissing me. Not once, or even twice, but several times he kissed me. I felt...queasy at first, then I was quivering. I went in, leaving both of us panting. Once I was safely in the house I went to my room to change for bed and try and figure out if I really liked being kissed by him. Laying in bed I tossed and turned a few times before I finally accepted the obvious. I decided that being a girl was the best thing in the world, and if being kissed by a man once in a while was the price so be it! Smiling, I drifted off to sleep. Mom had seen Jeff kiss me, and must have known that there was no return for me now. I had crossed that invisible line society had put down about men and women. I had bought two suits to wear to work which gave me an efficient and well dressed look, which Lani noticed right away. I was a fast learner and was now handling the database accounting used to pay all of the bills, including payroll. The program they were using was the newest available, but it was not set up to create reports and other data that we were constantly asked to provide, so I opened the manual and started reading. It took me about two weeks, but I managed to convince them to streamline the database so that a department head could access data they needed, in a format they wanted. Passwords locked out people that had no need to know and yet everyone had the particular data they did need. It was quick, easy to understand, and always available. Exactly what everyone wanted. Lani started to get raves from the department heads about it and knew she had made the right choice. I had become so adept at finding ways to streamline my responsibilities that Lani gave me more, plus a healthy raise! Beth had been assigned to the engineering department as a secretary for Henry Poilutte. He was an older man, quite brilliant at working out solutions to various problems. He liked Beth and made her his private secretary. She and I often ate lunch together and Beth saw for herself how much I had changed. Everything about me was feminine, from my new hairstyle to my clothes. I had started to take on many of the mannerisms of the girls around me. At the end of the first month living as a girl full time, mom sat down with me and asked if I had considered what I was going to do when school started in the fall. I would be a senior, the only question was if Robert or Jill would be the one attending. "I can't go back to being a boy now Mom, I just can't. As soon as I started this I knew that this is what I wanted, and now.... I just can't go back." I knew that mom was pretty sure that this was going to be my answer. She had seen the changes taking places right in front of her eyes. I had gone from a timid underweight boy to a vibrant, well groomed young lady. I was not afraid to speak out, where Robert never would have. I was fastidious in how I looked, my clothes were always clean and pressed. Robert wore baggy shapeless clothes that didn't require any special care, and getting me, as a boy, to wear a suit was next to impossible. Letting me become a young lady had changed my entire outlook on life, and most of it was to the good. "Lani told me to tell you that you can work Co-op if you want to when school starts, but that means a lot of changing clothes Jill. Is that what you want?" "No Mom. They started a new program last year for kids in Co-op. They can get the assignments online and send the results back by computer! I can still be Jill and go to school! I only have to apply and be approved." Mom didn't say anything because it was obvious that I had figured out to have the entire cake rather than just a slender slice. As soon as mom left, I went to my room and went online, signing up for the online Co-op program, filling in the blanks on my employment. I had finished when I heard the soft chime of the front doorbell, and my mother answering it. "Jill! You have a guest!" I shut down the computer and went in the familyroom. I saw Jeff sitting there. "Hi Jill." He hugged me and sat back down. "We're having a barbecue on Saturday night at my house, and I want you to come as my date." "I'd like that Jeff, thank you." "There's one more thing. Some of the guys told me that this is where Robert lives." His statement hung there in the air, waiting for an answer. Mom heard what he said and listened to what I had to say if anything. After a pregnant pause, I said, "He used to, but not any more. I live here now." I had admitted that I was Robert! Now, if Jeff took the hint, he would know everything. "I know Robert, and you are nothing like him at all Jill. Are you telling me you are Robert?" It was the very moment I had dreaded but knew in my heart would come. I simply could not go back to being Robert. Every fiber in my body told me that what I was doing was right,... right for me at least. If I told Jeff, then everyone would know, but if I did not, I would be denying the truth, and I would be running from it. Sooner or later I would have to tell the truth. "Yes. You're right Jeff. I used to be Robert. But I simply could not be Robert any more. I had to be my real self, who happens to be Jill. I will understand if you take your invitation back Jeff." Then, to my horror, I started crying. Tears ran down my cheeks and dripped on my blouse. Tears of shame and fear filled my eyes as I waited for his answer. His answer was not what I expected. He got up and sat next to me, his arm around my shoulder as he wiped away the tears, kissing my cheek, and then, my lips. "Jill, I understand, I really do. my cousin Megan used to be my cousin Marc." It was like he had slapped me on the face. I turned to face him, and he kissed me on the lips, gently at first, then with a passion which I responded to without thinking. I felt his tongue in my mouth, probing, his urgency without question. I held his head in my well manicured hands as he kissed me, unable, and unwilling to stop him. We heard a knock on the wall and quickly broke apart when mom walked into the room. She sat across from us, closer to Jeff, as he held my hand in his. "I want you to understand Jeff that Jill is my daughter and I will not have her hurt. She told you her secret because she trusts you. Can I trust you as well?" "Yes Ma'am! I wouldn't hurt her for anything! I know about guys wanting to be girls. I watched my cousin go through the entire process. Believe me I understand." Mom nodded her head and left us alone again. "Jill, you are a beautiful girl and I am attracted to you, more than any other girl I know. I don't care what you used to be, I only care about what you are now." He pulled me to him and kissed me, his tongue once again in my mouth. By the time he finally left that night, I was worn out from the passion coursing through me. Jeff's very touch sent waves of heat through me, making my mouth dry and my hands sweat. By the time he left I knew I was a girl in every respect but one. Starting when I got up on Saturday, I prepared for the barbecue. I stripped off all of my devices and carefully washed them in alcohol as directed, removing all of the old glue. I also carefully washed my skin and used a skin lotion. Then I used the hair remover to cleanse myself of all unwanted hair. I shaved my groin carefully to make myself as smooth as possible. Soaking in the tub full of scented bubblebath, I went over every square inch of my skin looking for any flaw. Before I got dressed I put on the devices, folding my small member into the sheath and attaching the piece to my skin. It was as if I was born that way. The breastforms went on the same way, and when the glue was tightly set, I used a bit of makeup to hide the thin seams. I knew that Jeff had a pool and I guessed that some of the kids would want to swim, so I put on the bikini I had bought for myself as a lark when Beth and I were at the mall. I had tried on at least 6 before I found this one. It was red, the top exposing enough of my breasts to remove most everyone's doubt about my being a girl, but the bottoms would cinch it. It hugged my skin like paint, the faint outline of my pubis barely seen, yet no guy ever looked like this. The bikini panty fit well, and I did not have my butt hanging out. Smiling to myself I took it off and pulled on some plain white panties and a white bra. Sitting at the vanity I applied a light foundation with only waterproof eyeliner and mascara on my eyes. I decided to wear a short white summer dress with two thin straps at the shoulders, a neckline that was cut to expose a lot of my cleavage, hugged my middle, and flared at the waist. Simple white button earrings and a white beaded necklace, my watch, and two new rings I had acquired recently. I brushed my hair out, the new cut making it easy to manage. The waves of soft blonde hair caressed my shoulders and bangs fell across my brow. I put a white barrette on each side of my head, pulling my hair back, showing my earrings. I stepped into the white flats, grabbed the perfume bottle, spritzed myself at the elbows, knees, wrists, and breasts. Lastly, I used a bright red lipstick on my lips. Carrying a large red purse with my bikini inside of it, I went to the familyroom to wait for Jeff to pick me up. Jeff arrived right on time, and his first sight of me caused him to suck in his breath. I was beautiful because I felt that way, inside and out. I took his hand and we left. I heard mom sigh as she could only hope for the best, but she had to admit, nobody would ever know I was a boy if I did not tell them. I looked every inch a female as any of the other girls that would be there, which also gave me a lot of confidence. Jeff escorted me to the patio, introducing his parents once he made sure I was comfortable. His mother was still setting out things at a table, so I helped her while Jeff and his Dad tended the barbecue pit. "Jeff really likes you Jill. You should see the way my face lights up when I talks about you." That made me smile, because what I felt about Jeff was right, and everything he said to me was true. Kids started coming over about 5, Beth was on the arm of her regular steady now, Jim Harsen. "Jill! You look great!" We hugged then all sat at the same table. Jeff joined us shortly after. Beth did not miss the way Jeff and I looked at each other and correctly guessed that we had a thing going. Most of the kids had arrived by 6 and as they were eating, I was conscious of a few guys looking at me and pointing. At around 7 some of the girls decided to swim and invited Beth and I to join them. We went into one of the spare bedrooms to change, and I saw that one of the girls had been with the guys that were pointing at me. I smiled to myself, wondering how they would react to what the girls told them later. I stripped off my clothes and stood naked for a moment before I pulled my bikini bottoms on. The top was thin enough to accent my nipples, which were always erect, as they pushed hard against the thin bra. I walked with the others to the pool and slipped into the water just after Beth and Heather. In minutes we were joined by Jeff, Jim, and Greg, Heather's boyfriend. Jeff pulled me to him, then we drifted to one side of the pool. "That must have been tricky Jill. Changing in a room full of girls!" "Why? I'm a girl!" He was confused, but saw my breasts held in by the swimsuit top and his dilemma doubled. He knew I was a male, yet there was no sign of it, and I had changed clothes with the other girls. "I don't know how you do it, but you are terrific Jill!" He pulled me close and kissed me, but this time his hand slid down to my bottom, his hands warm on my cool skin as he gently squeezed my cheeks. Later, after we had dried off and changed clothes again, Jeff took me to his room and closed the door behind us, and smiled at me. "It's up to you of course, but I want you Jill." He held my hand as he turned and sat on the bed. I sat next to him and let him lead the way. I was more excited than ever before as he put his hand on my lap. His fingers searched, and found girl! He spun and looked at me as I slowly unzipped his pants and told him to stand up. He did as I asked, then I pulled his pants to the floor where he stepped out of them. His hardness could be seen clearly now, and he guided my hand to it. His hardness against my fear of touching another male. My breasts hung free of restraint, and Jeff had a hand on each one as I touched him. Then he pushed me down on the bed, raising my skirt and pulling my panties down. He saw my nakedness for the first time. "Jeff, no!" I pushed him away and sat up, my hand still on his engorged maleness. I pulled it out of his briefs and slowly bent over and kissed him. When we returned to the party, most of the kids could see we looked a little mussed up, no doubt in a very close tussle of some kind. I had a satisfied look on my face, kind of like the cat that swallowed the canary. Beth quickly took my hand and dragged me away from everyone else. "Okay sister! Tell me what happened, blow by blow!" "Bad choice of words Beth!" I was smiling and Beth knew what I had done. "Just be careful Jill. The girls that saw you naked have passed the word that you are a girl so you have passed that hurdle. Just don't get the reputation as a tramp. That is a lot harder to shake!" When we returned to the party everyone was having a real good time and all of the kids had accepted me as a female now. Jeff drove me home, and even though it was quite late now, he did not want to let me go in the house. But I kissed him on the cheek and went in, the silence of the house only accenting the knowledge of what I had done that night. I had clearly crossed the line now. I made my decision, and now I knew that I could not, would not, go back to being a boy. There was no way out for me. I had set the trap for myself and eagerly stepped into it. I knew it the moment I kissed Jeff's member. I lay in bed thinking about it, knowing I was as turned on as he was, yet I could not please him the way born girls could, nor could I experience that special pleasure myself. Not quite frustrated, I fell asleep, surrendering to her dreams. Mom could tell that I had done something... something that maybe I shouldn't have, but what, she didn't know. It seemed as if my every action was more feminine, more pronounced, exaggerated in a way. "What's wrong Jill? You want to talk about something? Tell me something?" I sat across from mom, wondering if I should tell her. "I'm no longer a young lady mom. I'm not even a young man dressed a young girl. I'm a woman now." The way I said it told mom that Jeff and I had contact that was more than just kissing. "You think because you have some kind of sex with a young man that you are a woman?" I nodded my head yes. "Tell me about it Jill." I did. From the first minute we had arrived at the party until he dropped me off last night. "The thing is mom, I don't think I did anything wrong. Other people will if they find out, but I was a woman in his arms, and he let me touch him. I wanted to do it mom! I wanted to please him, and make him mine!" Then I started crying. Mom did not try to stop me. "Having sex is not the way to build a relationship Jill. The man has to love you and you him. Sex is fun and pleasant, but it's not the way to make him love you. I won't say what you did was different than many young girls have done in the past, but it was wrong because it was for the wrong reason." She took me into her arms and gently rocked me like she did when I was a baby. I stayed home that whole day, my only visitor was Beth, and she wanted all of the details about Jeff and I. "You should have heard those girls Jill, especially Heather. When they saw you naked I thought they would choke. They were sure that you were Robert under the clothes, then, when you stripped right in front of them, well, whatever you spent to make sure that you look like a girl was worth it girl! Some of the comments I had heard before then were nothing compared to what they said after you got naked!" "A girl has to do what a girl has to do Beth. I was pretty sure that some of them weren't sure, and never would be unless I found a way to make them think I'm just like them. I can't tell you how good it felt to strip and put that bikini on! I heard Carol suck in her breath, and everyone else was way to quiet, but now that I have that settled, the rest should go easier now." Beth and I just hung around for a few hours, then she left and I took a nap. The late night plus all of the mental strain had worn me out! I went back to work on Monday, working with a frenzy that kept my mind away from Jeff and my doubts about what I had done for him. Lani noticed it, but didn't say anything, assuming that I was a on mission to solve another problem. I was, but not one of hers. As the school term approached I became somewhat reclusive as I wondered if I should just enroll as Jill, or go the computer online route. Mom did not want to make that decision for me, but she was worried that I would suffer many unneeded agonies if I went back as a girl, even if some of the other girls were convinced I am a female. Mom got a call from Jeff's mother one night that changed everything. "Mary, I think we need to talk. We have a problem to solve and I think you and I can help the kids." Mom agreed, and they met at a small quiet caf? downtown. "Jeff told me I was in love with Jill, and I can see why, she is a lovely girl. He also told me that he thought Jill was actually your son, and Jill had confirmed it. Then he told me they had sex, and it's driving me crazy Mary. He loves her, but if she is a male like him, it has him wondering about his own sexuality. He pouts, cries, works so hard around the house he hurts myself!" "Jill is doing the same things Janice! Her boss says she working so hard she forgets lunch, seems to drift away, and often stays late. At home she had cleaned the house so often it almost glows in the dark! She sits in her room and cries too." "I think I have a solution Mary. My brothers daughter used to be his son. She's now 26, but she went through the same things in high school, and I was thinking that she might be able to help Jill get over this. Maybe Jeff too." "How?" Mary asked. "We get Jill and Megan together first. They share a lot of things and can relate better. Once Jill understands what is happening she can face Jeff and help him understand his attraction to her." The two Mothers agreed, and Janice said she would make the arrangements. Mary told that we had a dinner engagement and to be ready at 7. Megan was already at the restaurant when we got there. She was about the same height as me and a little heavier, but she exuded female from every pore. Her smile was bright and her soft auburn hair accented her green eyes. Janice sat next to her, standing and waving to get their attention. Mom and I joined them. I recognized Janice as Jeff's Mother right away. "Mary, why don't we leave them alone for a while?" Our Mother's left, and Megan looked across the table and saw herself just 10 years ago. "Hi Jill, I'm Megan. I used to be just like you are now. I'm Jeff's cousin." Then it all clicked for me. I remembered that Jeff had told me he had a cousin that went through the same things I was going through! "Jill, your heart says you a girl and your mind says no, you're a boy, right?" She got a nod of the head. "And you like a boy that likes you back." Another nod of the head. "Jill, sometime, soon, you are going to have to declare yourself. I mean, you have to admit, first to yourself for a start, and others later, that you are what you are. That means that your friends will all know. The school will know, other parents will know. It can get ugly and nasty if you let them set the tone. If you are the one to stand up and declare yourself then you tend to take away the fire so to speak. I know. I did it myself. Like you, I was starting my senior year in high school. Most of the kids didn't care, some, the usual assholes, gave me a hard time for a while but that stopped because I ignored them. Jill, if this is right for you and you know it is, then act on it. Don't give up on yourself, fight back! You have rights, stand on them and do what is right for you!" I had a lot of questions which Megan answered quickly, offering advice on various things. When I told her about the extra special device and my breastforms, Megan smiled. "I didn't have those kinds of things back when I was your age, I had to do it the hard way!" Megan offered to give me the name of her doctor. "He can prescribe medication that will give you the body you want Jill. Your own breasts, wider hips, a narrower waist, and smoother skin." After we had talked for almost two hours Janice and mom came back. Megan told them about what they had talked about. "After talking to Jill I am convinced she needs to be in a program like the one I was in. Doctor Michaels should see her right away and get her on the hormones. I also told her to go ahead and go to school as Jill. It's the best way really. If people don't know they can't hurt you. If they do know they can't hurt you. But if they suspect, then you can and will be crucified. It's the only way for her to get past the pain other people might cause her. It's now, openly, or later with a lot of pain." What Megan said made sense to mom, and as she looked at me, she saw agreement on my face as well. "I guess we have an appointment to make Jill. Thank you Megan, for everything." We all hugged and on the way home I asked mom if I was doing the right thing. "I don't know Jill. My heart says yes, my brain says you are my son. What do you think?" "I think I'll be starting school as Jill Mom, I think Megan was right." I know that mom had a lot of doubts about my decision, but every indication said that I had adapted to the role of a female so well it was as if I had been born one, which of course is what I had told her. I had always been a female, but in the wrong body. I had kept working while all of this was going on, and had been accepted as a young girl by everyone at work, Nobody knew, except Lani, and she didn't care. Now everyone would know, and I wondered how they would react when they found out that the Jill they all knew was actually my mothers son instead of a daughter. I was reminded of a saying I had heard or read somewhere. "If you march to a different drummer than the one your heart gives you, then you are destined to failure." I knew I was following the drumbeat of my heart, no matter what anyone thought, because it was right for me. Mom had to support me if she loved me at all. I continued at work, keeping my secret until after I visited the doctor. Dr. Michaels examined me completely, blood work, and physical, then he talked to me at length about what would happen to my body, the down side as well as the nice things. "You've been working as a female all summer, is that right?" I nodded my head yes, then told him about Jeff and I, hoping it would not stop him from giving me the hormones I wanted. "I'll start you on the hormones, but I want to see you every two weeks for a while. If everything goes well I will have you on injections by Christmas. You're young enough that the changes will occur fairly quickly, which means that you will tend to be a bit more emotional for a while." He went on to explain every aspect of the effect the hormones would have on me. Mom and I listened intently to every word he said, then he gave me the prescription which we filled on the way home. I started taking a pill that very day. Three weeks later I had to enroll in school, so I was extra careful how I dressed. I still had not noticed any changes, but I felt a constant tingle in my nipples now, and knew it would not be long before I had breasts of my own. I wore a simple summer shift, flats, and had my hair brushed in a pageboy. I wore a minimum of makeup and plain gold hoop earrings. Mom wanted to go along, but I told her that I had to do this myself, and drove to the school, then boldly walked up the steps and into the building. Beth had volunteered to go with me, but I was determined to do it myself, and now, standing in front of the desk, I filled out the forms. I had a copy of my legal name change papers which I gave the school, filled out the rest of the form and waited. It so happened that the woman that took her form was the one that dealt with Megan, and knew what was happening, so she merely listed me as Jill Marie Benson, then, after she took my picture, she gave the new student ID card. It was easy, but I knew the worst was yet to come. I got a locker and went to my homeroom, where I saw Jeff sitting right next to my assigned seat! We had not seen each other since I had gone to the doctor, but when he smiled at me I felt it go right through me. "Hi Jill." "Hi Jeff." "I heard that you talked to Megan. Did it help you any?" I nodded my head yes and said, "I'm seeing Dr. Michaels now." He understood immediately. I was in the program to become a female. The school bully sat next to me, and immediately started after me by putting his hand on my leg. I didn't say anything, but I jabbed a sharp pencil into the back of his hand! He pulled away from me with a yell, raising his hand as if to hit me, but the teacher walked in right then and he settled down, nursing his bleeding hand. As the teacher began his attendance, and came to my name, he looked up at me and smiled knowingly, as if he had been told of my decision to become a female. As I went through the day, it became obvious that word was starting to spread about me. Many of the kids didn't believe it because I didn't look like a guy in a dress. In fact, I was as feminine as any of the other girls in the school! It happened on the Friday after school started. The bully, Bud, and his friend Steve, grabbed me and dragged me into the boys restroom and put a chair under the door so nobody else could get in. There was no way out for me. "You want to be a broad so much that we decided to help you with a little training." He grabbed me by the hair and pulled out a knife which he held at my throat. As Steve held me, Bud pulled his manhood out and pushed it against my firmly closed lips. "Open up bitch or I'll cut you!" I refused, and with a quick snap of my leg I kicked him right on the kneecap which enraged him. He slashed out with the knife, trying to cut my stomach, but he missed and slashed my skirt open, puncturing my groin. With blood flowing freely Steve let me drop to the floor and they ran out of the room and down the street. I managed to crawl to the hallway where one of the female teachers found me in a pool of blood, barely conscious, my skin pale from the loss of blood. At the hospital Dr. Michaels was called in, and I was taken to the operating room right away. The damage was severe and the loss of blood critical, but the doctors worked for hours before they announced that I would be okay and live a long and healthy life. "We had to do something we usually do not do on minors, but in this case, because she is in my program, we went ahead. She suffered from a partial amputation of her penis, so we went ahead and made her the female she would have become next year anyway. She is groggy and will be out for a few more hours, and will be in pain for another 12 to 18 hours after that. But as in most of my cases, she should be home in two weeks or less." I lay in bed with visions of that knife as it swung through the air towards me. I never felt the blade as it cut into my body, leaving a bloody, torn mess of my lower abdomen. I tossed and turned so hard the nurses were forced to strap me down so I would not hurt myself. The next day I was released from the straps when I awoke. "Jill, can you hear me?" Dr. Michaels voice was soft as he spoke into my ear. I turned to see his smiling face and smiled back. "Jill, we had to speed up your change. The knife cut into you in a way that would have made it impossible for you to become a woman later if I did not act now. You have had the surgery to become a female Jill. I will step up the hormone treatment a little, and in a week or so you will be back in school, a real female this time." I smiled at him and squeezed his hand. Mom was at my bedside as soon as he left. "Jeff is outside in the hallway Jill. He wants to see you. I think he's in love myself, but you'll have to be the judge of that!" We hugged and held each other for a moment, then Jeff came in. Mom left to give us some privacy, waiting in the hallway. Jeff came to the bed and looked at me, tears welling in his eyes as he saw the pain I was in, unable to make it go away. "They caught those two yesterday Jill. They are being tried as adults for attempted rape and attempted murder." I started to say something, but he put his finger to my lips, then bent over and kissed me. I lay there soaking up his strength, wanting him to hold me tight. I was unable to hug him back, but that's okay, he was holding on tight enough for the two of us. There was no way for me to deny the truth, and right from the beginning I knew it. There was no way out of my desire to become a woman, there was no way out for me to deny it to my friend Beth, then Jeff. There was no way out of that terrible event that hurt me so much, yet gave me my wish at the same time. No way out? Great!