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Growing Up By Cassandra Mortan 1992 "Hey, baby. Everything ok. How's my boy?" "He's perfect, just like yesterday. He'll be perfecter tomorrow." "I bought him something today!" "You did?" "Yeah. We were eating lunch across from the toy store. I bought him a football." "He's three months old, silly." "You never can start training too early. The boy needs to learn to hit." "Yeah. Then, when his knees explode, we'll have a very aggressive invalid." "He won't get hurt. He'll hurt everyone else." "He has an older sister for that. Lucy is three, but she lives like it's third-and-one." "I love Lucy. Has that been used?" "Sam could be a kicker. When he was inside me, he kicked up a storm." "Kicker? He might as well be a cheerleader." "Speaking of which..." 'What?" "I was at the grocery story today. Another woman asked how 'she' was doing. Talking about Sam" "Damn it, Lois. What was he wearing." "Blue. I swear. And diapers." "How many times is that now? Three?" "Four. I think its because he's so beautiful." "Damn it. Boys are not beautiful." "Sam is. He has all that blond hair, and the nice eyelashes." "Well, we know it isn't because he walks girly. He can't walk." "People are morons. They don't look at his clothes. They just guess." "I'll be glad when he grows out of it." "Yeah. He needs some scar tissue, doesn't he? All the good linebackers have scar tissue." 1993 "Come on, Sam. Hand me Boo Bear so you can take a bath. Please, Sam, I don't have all day." "Lord, do we have a dolphin? Look at that boy kick." "Yeah, but he won't turn loose of his stuffed animal." "At least it's a bear. Bears are vicious. The Grizzly. The Kodiak. The Brown Bear." "Fozzie." "Who?" "He's a muppet. If I remembered how old you were, I would have said Yogi. But there are a lot of cuddly bears. Winnie the Pooh. Paddington Bear. The Care Bears. Smokey. Boo-boo. Bears get good pub." "I never realized there were so many gay bears." "Don't forget the Chicago Bears." "Don't insult the Chicago Bears, smart ass." "Language!" "Sorry. But he only says a few words. He isn't going to repeat it." "You're okay with his stuffed animal?" "It's better than him dragging around Lucy's' doll." "Hey. I asked my friends. They all had sons who played with dolls. They turned out okay." "Sweetie, it wasn't just a doll. You bought him the whole Barbie's Dream House!" I bought for Lucy! He just likes playing with it. Hell, he's 14 months old. You think he should be playing with a Rubik's Cube?" "What's wrong with G.I Joe?" "He ran away with He-Man. They're living in the village." "Don't mess with Joe. He's a man's man." "Exactly. A he-man's man. "Don't use that towel. Use this one." "What?" "The first one was pink. Boys don't dry off with pink towels." "Lord, you are a moron. You think he's going to be gay because of what color fabric we give him." "You can't take any chances, Louis. There are so many gays in the world, and it's all because of the Teletubbies." "Lord!" "I'm serious. One of them carried a purse." "Don't you carry a briefcase?" "It's different! I have pens and my cell phone in my briefcase. You have lipstick and ... other products." "Can we be a big boy and say 'Tampons?'" "Stop it. That kind of talk is why Sam played with dolls." "G.I. Josephine is a doll." "She ... he is not. He's an action figure." "Right. And Liberace was a "flamboyant" entertainer." "Stop laughing. I mean it." 1994 "Don't blame me. Sam picked it out." "But it's ... it's pink." "It is." "And it has ballerinas on it." "He thought they were pretty. Lucy helped him choose it." "It's the faggiest birthday cake I've ever seen!" "Paul, be nice. A 2-year-old doesn't have any sexual preference. He can't be gay." "He plays with Lucy's EZ-Bake Oven." "It makes cookies, Paul. He likes cookies. Let's call a doctor!" "Lois, maybe we should. I'm worried about Sam. He doesn't like to play ball. He just plays hopscotch with the girls." "To me, that proves he's normal. Don't most boys like girls? If they didn't, that would be gay." "Are you telling me you're not worried?" "I'm a mother. I worry about all sorts of things. I worry about him driving when he's a teenager. I worry about getting into drugs. I worry that he'll get a good job and if he'll fall in love and if he'll get into a good college. I'm not worried whether he turns out to be or not." "You're kidding. No son of mine is going to be one of those." "A little homophobic? "No. I just want him to have red blood cells. I don't want him to be a Rock Hudson or a Tab Hunter." "Maybe you shouldn't want him to be Charles Manson or Ted Bundy." "I don't want him to be one of those guys, either. I'm not an idiot. I just want him to get married -- to a woman -- and have kids. Is that too much to ask?" "Paul, I'm not saying I'd prefer for him to be gay. It can be a hard life. There are people who will hate you because you sleep with someone they've never met. I'm just saying we will not reject our kid. If you do, I will take a golf club to your ass." "You don't play golf." "I'll learn." 1995 "Paul? It happened again." "Oh, god. The haircut thing?" "Yeah. I remember him screaming at his first haircut. This was worse. You would have thought Dracula was in the room." "Jesus. Why is he this way? There aren't nerve endings in hair." "He likes it long, I guess." "Yeah. With hair clips." "That was just once. But he does like Lucy's barrettes." "Lois, is our kid gay?" "I don't know. Some psychiatrists say that kids know from birth. Sam sure seems feminine, doesn't he? He's much girlier than Lucy. It's not a bad thing, Paul. It's who he is." "Where is he now? Should I talk to him?" "Not right now. Sarah's daughter Staci is over with her friend Brit. They're having a tea party." "Tea party? Lois, is Sam wearing a dress?" "Jesus, Paul. Of course not. He's three years old! He's eating a cookie. Your fears are much bigger than his realities." "So they're on the patio?" "Yes. By the pool. They have their toys, and they're pouring tea. A little later, they're going to make bracelets." "Bracelets." "You know. Toy bracelets from those toy kids." "Girls' bracelets?" "Oh, goodness, Paul. I shouldn't have told you." "No, it's okay It's just a toy. Right?" "Right. He won't have his sex change for a few years." "Lois. Behave!" "I'm sorry, babe. I'm just yanking your chain. You really do worry about this shit too much." "I don't think you worry about it enough." "Maybe we should meet in the middle and worry just enough." 1996 "...and that's our situation, Dr. Monroe. That's why we're worried about Sam's gender confusion. We need to know how to meet his needs." "You say you caught him in your skirt?" "Yes ma'am. He was rolling around on our bed, and she was wearing my red skirt. I walked in, and she immediately said 'Don't be mad, mommy!' So she knew she was doing something unacceptable.'' "Is it? Unacceptable, I mean." "Well, it's not what we would want, of course. We love our children to bits. But Sam's always been a little...feminine. And now this." "Paul, what are you thinking?" "I'm thinking we made him a fruit salad, doc. I know that 's not politically correct, but if we'd taken the dolls away from him and made him play with the football -- yes, Lois, the football -- then we wouldn't be in this mess." "Toys don't make people gay, Paul." "Yeah? My father used to take me fishing, and I never turned out gay. We worked on his Chevy, and that didn't make me gay. We played football until we were bloody, and we didn't prance around like Sam does!" "Paul!" "I mean it, Lois. This whole damn country has gone gay. Pro athletes are coming out. Rock singers are coming out. It's like all the guys decided they liked guys and all the girls decided they liked girls. Except the guys who want to be girls and the gurls who want to be guys. And everyone wears earrings." "Paul, are you done venting?" "Not hardly, doc. I'm pissed off. America is the land of the red, white and pink these days. No one eats red meat these days. They want souffl?s. Now my son is my daughter, and my wife is protecting her, and she's going to grow up and marry a fireman." "Sweetie, he just wore a skirt. A piece of cloth. It isn't the end of the world. Lucy wears skirts all the time." "She's a girl! She's supposed to! Sam dressed like a girl! He wants to be a girl!" "What's wrong with girls?" "They ... aren't boys. We had a boy. The doctor promised." "Guys...Lois, Paul....let's don't make snap judgments. I've just meet Sam. Let's meet against on Wednesday. I'd like to talk to Sam. I agree that, eventually, we need to figure out if Sam was just a kid at play, or if he does have gender issues. But we don't have to decide that now. You two are good parents. You brought him here to get help, and I promise we'll try to work it out. I'm going into this open-minded, Paul. I just want to help. Trust me." "i ... guess so." "Trust Lois?" "Of course." "Trust Sam?" "What choice do I have?" 1997 "Mama, is Daddy mad at me?" "Why do you ask, Sam. Do you think he's mad at you?" "He doesn't talk to me much anymore. Not since I asked for that Toy Car for my birthday." "Well, he doesn't think boys should have pink cars with Barbie on them." "Why not? It's just a car." "Daddy grew up at a strange time, monkey. Boys drove firetrucks and sports car toys. They played baseball and football. Daddy would like you to be like that. That's all." "A toy is just a toy, Mommy. I'm only 5, but I know that." "I know, monkey." "Mama, does Daddy want to wear a dress?" "What? What are. you talking about, Sam?" "I heard him on the phone with Dr. Monroe, and he was saying someone about boys dressing up like girls. Lucy and I think Daddy would be pretty. Do you think Daddy would be pretty?" "Come to think of it, monkey, I think Daddy would be very pretty if he had the right makeup. Should Mama help him? "That would be nice ... Mama? What color should this crab be in my painting set?" "Red, sweetheart. You color very nicely." "I like to paint." "Well, you're good at it. Maybe you could paint Daddy's fingernails." "That's funny, Mama. I'll go ask him." "This ought to be good!" "Daddy? Daddy, Mama said she would help you if you wanted to wear a dress. A dress. You know, like you were talking to Dr. Monroe about. Remember when you said some boys wanted to dress like girls? Weren't you talking about yourself, Daddy? Well, Mama said she would help you put on our makeup." "Lois!" "Yes, dearest?" "What are. you on about? I'm not wearing a dress." "But you can if you want to, Paul. That's what's important to remember." "Very funny, Lois." "Very pretty, Paul." 1998 "Paul is going to blow his stack when he hears. He's already on edge abut this. More coffee?" "Thank, Lois. We really should get together more often with both our kids in Mrs. Dunleavy's class." "Yes, Margie. We should. Sometimes, I need someone to talk to." "So were you surprised?" "That he wanted to be Pocahontas in the school play? No, not really. That he got the part? I was stunned. There are a lot of girls in Mrs. Dunleavy's class." "Very few kids want to be the star of the play, though. Sam will be a very cute Pocahontas." "Ha. Young Indian maid. What's that old song? About Little White Dove?" "Running Bear," "That's it. They both drowned." "God, the music our parents listened to." "So...are you going to let him?" "Let him what?" "Be in the play. Wear a dress and save John Smith?" "I don't know, Margie. I'm afraid the other boys will make fun of him." "Maybe they'll ask him for his phone number." "Margie! He's 6 years old!" "Yes. And he's kind of a sissy. But that's okay. The world needs florists, too." "Sam is not going to be a florist. He's going to be president." "Or maybe a First Lady." "Stop it. He's a sweetie." "Seriously, what do you think? Is he more girl or more gay?" "There's a difference?" "Of course there's a difference. If he's a girl, he just wants be like Lucy. If he's a boy, he wants to kiss other boys." "Margie? What if he's both?" 2000 "Should I bring up Halloween?" "Don't you dare, Lois." "He wants to go as Belle. From Beauty and the Beast." "How did I know he wouldn't want to be the Beast?" "Oh, that would be good. He could be all hairy and have claws." "No chance of that, I'll bet." "No. Probably not. Not with our little Sissy." "What does Belle wear?" "A blue dress. White shirt. But in the big scene, she has on a flowing yellow dress. She's quite sexy if you forget she's a cartoon." "Uh-huh." "Linebackers almost never wear yellow dresses." "You think this is funny, don't you?" "A little." "Well, you won't when he starts dating boys." "Hey, I dated boys. I even married one of them." "Ah, yes. Straight sex in the back of a car. Those were the days." "Honey, Sam is 7. He didn't decide to Walk on the Wild Side. If you don't make a big deal out of it, it won't be a big deal." "Honey, I think he's homosexual." "It's too soon to determine that. But what if he is?" "Then he could get Aids. He could die. Do you want that?" "Of course not. This is the flesh of my flesh, Paul. But I've told you before: Love your kid, or he'll leave you. Gay isn't something you can choose for him to be or not to be. Or Lucy, for that matter." "Maybe not. But Belle?" "She was a good sort. She saw her love inside of the Beast's curse." "You know. I had a crush on Snow White when I was a kid." "She was cute. Did you wear her dress?" "Of course not. But she could talk to animals and she had a fairy godmother." "She was a maid. You want to be a maid?" "I can't talk to you anymore, can I?" "I'm sorry, Paul. Sam has you so wound up that it's easy for me to make fun of you. I forget that this is a real concern for you. For us." "Thank you." "Now, the Little Mermaid. She was a hot piece of tail." 2001 "You know he wants you there. It's very important that you see him." "I'll try, Lois. But it's going to be hard. I have meetings all afternoon." "Cancel them. This is for your son. "He'll look like my daughter." "No, he won't." "Lois, he's wearing a fucking tutu. With a pink skirt. I don't know why you let him wear that shit." "All the other girls are wearing that, too." "But Lois. He isn't one of the 'other girls.' That's my point. He's dancing in the Nutcracker, and he has no nuts to crack." "See how funny you are. Now come laugh with your son." "I told you dance lessons were an awful idea." "Paul. He took part in every sport most 8 year olds take part in.He took painting lessons, too. And karate. And soccer. And cooking." "Great. My son is Rachel Ray." "Stop it. He isn't very big. You want him to get killed on the football field?" ":No, I've given up on that. He could be a cheerleader, but not a real player." "Cheerleaders work hard, too." "Cheerleaders blow the quarterback." "Well, you want him to compete, right?" "Lois, that's not funny." "Admit it. It's a little funny." "Why are you doing this?" "What am I doing, Paul?" "You're bringing up my son as a girl." "I'm not. I'm just letting him express himself. I'm not having a meltdown if he touches a doll." "At least it's over after tonight. We can get Sam in some proper camps." "I already have one. After ballet, he's taking tap." "Are you trying to make my head explode?" "Maybe. It'll be fun to see." 2001 "Mama, I want the purple one." "Sweetie, that's not a boy's shirt. That's a girl's shirt See the butterfly?" "You said I could pick out my clothes for school. I want the purple one." "Honey, I can't. I might as well get you that pink dress." "I can have the pink dress?" "No, baby. You can't." "Lucy has a pink dress. Why can't I have one?" "Because you're a boy." "I'm not a boy. I'm a girl." "Oh. that's the first time you've ever said that to me. What makes you think you're a girl?" "Because girls have babies, and I want to have Tommy O'Hearn's baby." "And when did you decide this?" "Over the weekend." "Honey, you can't have a baby. You need a vagina to have a baby. A crack. You have a thing." "Well for now. But it'll fall off, won't it?" "I don't think so." "Well, I don't want it. I want to be a girl. I'm 9 years old. I get to decide.." "Have you talked to Dr. Monroe about this?" "Yes. I have. She told me I have to wait till I grow up." "Sweetheart, some boys have surgery to be girls. But it's very painful." "I'm strong." "Yes, you are. The strongest. But it's still very rare when a boy becomes a girl." "Will I be pretty?" "If you were a girl, you'd be the prettiest girl in town. In the State. You could win a beauty contest." "Mama, can I be in a beauty contest?" "You want to be in a beauty contest? Wearing heels? With makeup? Singing songs?" "That would be so cool." "Let me think about it, Sam. It's a big commitment. You'd have to be a girl for a month!" "I can be a girl for a whole month! I'm so happy." "Some of us are happy, Sam. Some of us are probably gay." 2002 "Oooh, look at all the pretty girls, Sam. Aren't they dressed nice." "Yes, Mama. I don't think I'll win." "Well, Sam. They might not let you win. After all, you're technically a boy. They're prejudiced against boys." "But you're not, Mama. You let me were a gown." "Yeah. I don't know what I was thinking. You're hard to say no to." "I feel pretty, Mama. I don't care if I don't win. It's my first time." "Well, the other girls have been doing this longer." "You said 'other' girls, Mama. Do you admit I'm a girl yet?" "Not yet, sweetie. But you're getting there." "Oh, hi there. Mrs. White. Is this Samantha?" "Oh, hello Mrs....Bailey. This is our first time." "Well, Samantha will just knock them dead. Won't you sweetheart?" "Yes, ma'am." "Now, did you bring the things I told you? T-bags and vaseline and preparation H?" "Well, yes. But it's just a Junior Pageant." "Doesn't matter. Some of these women are Nazis. They'll use every trick in the book to get an edge. Their daughters are 10 years old going on 40. Don't trust anyone." "We won't." "Now, first, we have the signing competition. What's Samantha going to sing?" "Oh. 'Harden my Heart'? The old Quarterflash song?" "It's okay. Up-tempo. Strong. Familiar but not too familiar." "I sing it at home with Lucy." "Of course you do, Samantha. Now, did you bring your cock cage?" "My...what?" "Samantha is a girl, Mrs. Bailey. She doesn't have a cock cage" "Bollocks," she said. "Sam was born a boy, and you and I both know it. It's okay. These days, there are a lot of boy beauty contestants. But no one wants to have it, um, pointed out to them. So our male entrants were a cage. You can get one at Diamonds. Now, I'd get a glossy lipstick. And you'll use several cans of hairspray. Samantha, don't forget to have fun. The judges have to see you have fun." "Yes, ma'am." "She's so cute, Mrs. White. I wouldn't be surprised to see her do very well. It comes naturally to some ... girls." "Mama...I like this. I want to keep doing beauty contests. Okay?" "We'll see, sweetie. They're pretty expensive." "Maybe. But I love my gown. I love my hair. I love my heels. I've never felt more like a girl." "Uh-oh." 2003 "Sam? What's wrong, Sam?" "You know, Mama." "What do I know, monkey?" "I'm ... I'm a girl. I'm tired of the boy clothes." "Sam. Your time will come. It really will. I'm convinced now. You're my daughter. I'm sorry I've been slow to accept it." "I'm 11 years old, Mama. It's time I wore a dress to school. Lucy wears dresses." "Doesn't that image scare you? The bullies will see you. Some of the girls will laugh at you." "I'm not scared, Mama. Most of the kids already know I wear dresses at home." "But all the time?" "Mama, you know about me. You know I've always been girly. I know Daddy blames himself, but it's just the way I am. And I'm happy. I like being a girl." "It's funny. I was just talking to Dr. Monroe the other day. She said she had been reading up on this concept of 'petticoat punishment' to immerse you into girls' clothes. I think you have the same idea." "Mom, putting me in girls' clothes to cure me of girls' clothes is the silliest thing I can imagine. It's like beating your skull with a hammer to cure a headache." "Sam. I wish I had been a better parent. Mothers don't let their sons wear dresses." "Mama, you didn't put me in a dress. I did. Some boys want to be girls. Some girls want to be boys. I want to be Samantha." "So which dress will you wear on Monday?" "I can? Thank you, Mama. I'll wear my blue one. I like the way it hangs on me." "This is a big step, Sam...Samantha. You might be a girl for a long time." "I want to be a girl forever." "It won't always be easy. Other trans woman have struggled. They're still struggling." "Mama, I don't have any choice. This is how I'm comfortable. I didn't choose to be a girl. It chose me." "I think I understand. Will you date boys?" "Probably. I don't know yet." "Choose wisely, Monkey. There are a lot of bad choices out there." "Mama. This isn't about being with a boy or a girl. It's about being me." "I know that now. You and Luce are my darling daughters. I won't forget." "So I can wear girls' clothes?" Sigh. "I guess. You've worn me down again. Your father won't be happy, you know. But I guess it's time he got used to the idea, too." "Mama, it isn't a big deal. It's just clothes." "I know, Monkey. You'll be very pretty." 2004 "Mom, I know what I want for Christmas?" "Yes, Monkey?" "I want boobies." "You want what?" "You've heard me. I'm 12 now. Marcy already has boobies. Sue Anne has boobies." "Well, if you remember, it took Lucy time to grow hers. Just be patient." "Mama, I know that girls like me need pills. I'm not stupid." "I would never think that you're stupid, Samantha. I just think twelve is awfully young to start putting chemicals into your body." "If I had cancer, you'd give me medicine. Right?" "Well, of course." "It's the same thing, Mama. I need a little help to be more girly. Please." "I guess I can talk to Dr. Monroe." "You can't be a real girl without real boobs, Mama." "But it seems so ... permanent." "Do you think I'm going to outgrow this, Mama? Do you think I'll wake up and think it's time for me to be a boy? I'm a girl, Mama. That's all there is to it." "I suppose you're right. I remember how bad I wanted to grow mine when I was your age." "Yours are pretty, Mama. But they're a little small." "Uh-huh. And how big do you want?" "I want to be big. Jenny's mom made her boobies bigger, and Jenny says she poses in front of the mirror all the time. Jenny says if you eat chicken necks, your boobs will grow." "I think modest breasts are fine, young lady." "If I'm the same size as Lucy, I'll be happy. But no smaller!" "Monkey? This is the real deal, you know. Breast enhancement can be reversed, but it's expensive. I imagine if you get boobs, you'll at least have them through high school." "Mama, I'll have them forever. Would you cut yours off?" "No, of course not. Not unless I had a disease." "See. I feel the same way. And mom?" "Yes, Monkey?" "Can we have chicken necks for dinner. Just to be safe." 2005 "Mama?" "Yes, Samantha?" "How old were you when you kissed a boy for the first time?" "I was...I guess about 13. Your age. Why?" "I think it tastes nice." "And who have you been kissing, young lady?" "Mama! You aren't supposed to tell." "That's silly. You can tell your Mama." "Do you remember Matty Thomas? He used to go to my school." "Yeah. Matty was a sweet boy." "Still is. We were at Jenny's birthday party, and we were playing Closet. A boy and a girl go in..." "I know Closet. It's an excuse to make out." "Well, our names were picked, and we went in. I was about to tell Matty that he didn't have to kiss me, because I'm trans, and then his lips were on mine, and there were fireworks." "So you liked kissing him?" "Not at first. I don't like other people's tongues in my mouth. But Matty said that's the way older kids do it, so we kissed for a few minutes." "Did you... do anything else?" "Mama! I'm 13." "Yes, but Lucy is 16, and she's had a boyfriend for a while." "Is Matty my boyfriend now?" "Well, I suppose that's between you and Matty. Do you want him to be your boyfriend?" "I'd like to have a boyfriend. And Matty's cute." "Take it slow, Monkey. Don't rush things." "When we were kissing, his thing got hard." "How do you know that?" "I saw it! It made a tent in his pants." "Well, no farther, young lady. Proper girls do not touch boys' thingies." "Mama?" "Yes, Monkey?" "My thingie got hard, too." "I can see where it would. But you're not old enough to do anything about it, Monkey. I'm serious." "I know, Mama." "Sweetie, I'm not going to lie to you. Sex is nice. But it means a lot of things you two aren't ready for. Promise me you'll wait." "I promise, Mama." 2006 "Sam, your father and I need to talk to you." "Okay. What did I do now?" "You didn't do anything, Monkey. This isn't about you." "It's...not?" "No, it's. but you need to know this. Paul and I are splitting up." "Daddy! No. What's wrong? Is it me?" "Pumpkin, it's not you. Your Mom and I just don't get along anymore. We disagree on too many things." "Daddy! It's because I'm a girl, isn't it?" "No, Pumpkin. You've grown up to be a lovely girl. But people drift apart. They don't grow in the same direction" "Monkey, Daddy will always be your Daddy. That won't change. We've talked about it, and we both love you." "But why can't you love each other?" "Grownups are complicated, Monkey. You're 14 now. You're old enough to know. I bet a lot of your friends have parents who have split up." "But I need both of you." "Well, you'll still have us, honey. I'll take you to the zoo on weekends. You can come over to my new house and meet Annabeth." "Who is Annabeth." "She's...well, Annabeth and I are seeing each other, Pumpkin. You'll like her. Won't she, Lois." "Yeah...she's a peach." "Lois!" "Really, Samantha. She's a nice person. She has a son. Luke. He's younger than you, but you'll like him. We're always looking for baby- sitters." "I don't want to meet him." "Sure you do, honey." "He's taking you away, Daddy. I don't want to see him. I don't want to meet your new girlfriend, I don't want to come to your house. I'll stay here with Mama and Lucy." "Baby, you just need time. We all understand. Look, we can go fishing." "I hate fishing. I've always hated fishing. It's a boy thing. I'm not a boy." "Sweetheart..." "Go away." "Samantha!" "Go away now." "Okay. I love you, princess." "No, you don't. You never have." "I'll leave you alone. But I'll call tomorrow. This will work out. You'll see." 2007 "Do you ever see Matty anymore? "No, Mama. We broke up." "When did this happen?" "It happened, what , two months ago." "You didn't tell me." "Matty was a asshole." "Samantha. Watch your mouth." "He is, though. He called me a tranny." "He what?" "Yeah, he said he would never date a tranny bitch." "I'm going to call his mother right now." "Don't, Mama. He was just embarrassed. He knew I was trans all along. But one of his friends started to give him a hard time, and he got angry at me and started to yell at me. And he called me names." "A boy shouldn't get away with that...." "Mama, everyone knew we were dating. The boys are awfully mean to him now. They think he's gay for dating me, and no one lets him forget it. I wouldn't go out with him again if he begged me." "I guess that's good." "Mama, there are plenty of other boys, and some of them don't mind that I'm a girl now. Some of them are older, though." "Samantha! You will not date older men." "But they have cars, Mama." "And they're always in overdrive. You've worked hard to be a girl. Now you have to be a good girl." "Yes, Mama. Is Daddy coming over this weekend?" "I don't know, Monkey. Daddy has a new wife, and she doesn't like him spending time around me or his daughters." "I don't like her, Mama. She yells at him. At me, too." "She's that way. She'll have Daddy washing her dishes soon." "I wash your dishes, Mama." "Yes. But I give you a nice allowance, too, don't I?" "Yes, Mama. Good thing, too. Girls' clothes are so much expensive than boys." "You could always go back." "No, Mama. I couldn't." 2008 "What time is your salon appointment?" "2 o'clock. What should I expect?" "Just a new hairdo. A makeover." "I've never been to the salon." "You were never enough of a grownup. But not every girl has her Sweet Sixteen birthday party every day." "You think I'll meet Prince Charming." "Oh, Charming and Dashing and Handsome and Brave. All the Princes." "Ha. I just need one." "It'll happen, Monkey." "The kids at school are nice, most of the time. But the boys are always too embarrassed to talk to me, and the girls think I"m some sort of freak." "They do not. They think you're a lovely girl." "You don't hear them, Mama. I'm still a weirdo." "So let's talk about your makeover. What color nails do you want?" "Red?" "Maybe a maroon color. Or maybe dark blue." "I saw some silver tipped ones last week from a girl at school. Those are nice." "They're hard to coordinate with your lipstick, though. Not that it has to be the same." "Pink is a standby." "Yes. You've always liked pink." "I"m wearing a white dress, though." "It'll be fine. You'll see. You'll be the prettiest girl there." "If I wear pink nail polish, will it match my new car?" "Who says you're getting a car? We can't afford a car." "A motorcycle, then. I'll be a biker babe." "Over my dead body." "Or mine." "If you want a car, you need to get a job. The lady at the dress shop said you could work there. Starbucks is always hiring." "I like Mrs. McCormick at the dress shop. She's nice." "Yes, she is. And she's always liked you." "I spend a lot of money there." "Yes, you do. You grew up to be a fashion queen." "Mama...do you ever regret it? Are you sorry I'm a girl." "No, sweetheart. That's the truth. I wouldn't change a hair on your head." "Daddy was sorry I am. He says you guys didn't divorce because of me, but I know you did." "Honey. It's not that simple. We disagreed on a lot of stuff, not just you. And he and Annabeth seemed to click." "She scares me." "You've never gotten to know her She's a strong woman. She'll be good for him." "I miss him." "I know." "I miss Lucy, too." "Lucy will be home from college tomorrow. For your party." "Is she bringing Anthony?" "Why wouldn't she? He's her boyfriend." "He looks at me." "Well, you're pretty." "It isn't just that. He stares. He gives me the willies." "Did anyone ever tell you you had trust issues?" "Dr. Monroe. But you can't believe a thing she says." 2009 "That's a good look. I like the dark blue belt with the light blue dress." "Well, it's the first day of my new job. I wanted to look nice." "You look beautiful." "What's the matter, Mama?" "Oh, it just feels like another step, Monkey. Every day, it seems, you become a lovelier woman." "Isn't that how it's supposed to be?" "I guess so. But I've never been to Hamburger Betty's. Is it just drag waitresses." "No, Mama. We have shows. We serve food. We have drag functions. Professional shows." "I never wanted you to get into drag." "Well, this isn't drag like RuPaul has drag. A guy in a dress will bring you a cheeseburger. What more could you want?" "Are the guys ... perverts?" "God, no, Mama. They're regular guys. Funny guys, professional guys. They just don't throw rocks at femme men. They appreciate us." "And you can make more money than at the dress shop?" "I hope so. I really want a car by my senior year." "You sing?" "We perform. I sing some. Other girls have better voices Other girls are prettier." "But you have your rear end." "Mama!" "I'm kidding, sweetie. You know I think you're gorgeous." "Thanks, Mama. You should come in for a beer." "Really? You'd let me?" "I'd love for you to come and see me work. Maybe you wouldn't nag me about cleaning my room as much." "You know, I read that some trans women work as maids. They're great cleaners." "Sissies, you mean? I know a girl like that. Terri. She found herself a nice woman, and they role-play. But that's not my thing. I'm not into all the kinky stuff." "Well, I'd like for you to do more chores. I'll buy you a maid's outfit." "Hah. I wouldn't even launder that. I'm too lazy to be someone's maid." "How about someone's love bunny. No handcuffs?" "Mama. Be serious. I don't even have a boyfriend." "How about Donnie?" "Donnie isn't my boyfriend. He's a friend, and he doesn't hate us. But he's not interested in anything special." "He doesn't know what he's missing." "I think he does. I think that's the point." "It'll happen for you, Samantha. Just hang in there." "I know, Mama. but for right now, I want to do a good job, and get my car, and save something for college." "Have you thought any more about your operation?" "Of course I have. I think about it every day." "I think about it, too. I want you to feel complete." "Mama, I've felt complete since you let me wear dresses to school. There are six of us now. We hang out." "You should have the girls over. We'll order pizza and do mani-pedis. It'll be fun." "Yeah, it would be. If Gracie will let Billy alone for a weekend, we could do that." "I didn't know they were going out." "Mama, they're serious. Sex and everything." "Really? Are you having sex?" "I promised you I wouldn't. Besides, I have my hands full with getting a good grade in Mr. Woodruff's science class." "Is that old man still hitting on you?" "I can handle him, Mama. He's all talk." "Let me know. I'll call the school." "No reason. He'd have a heart attack if I took off my blouse." "Samantha. You keep your blouse on." "Yes,Mama. I'll be a nun." "You'll be Mother Superior. You're a take-charge girl." 2010 "Hey, Monkey. How was school today?" "Interesting. In a word, it was interesting." "What happened? "Well, I was in first period, and Jenny told me that she was talking to Donnie, and he said he was going to ask me to the prom." "He was?" "I didn't believe it either. So I went down to the gym in fourth period. And I asked him what the hell she was talking about." "...and?" "Well, he said he wasn't going to ask me. What he told Jenny was that if he was going to ask someone, I was the person he wanted to ask." "That's great! What did you say?" "I was dumbfounded. I didn't know what to say. But Donnie said he remembered that I was born male, but he thought I was cute anyway. And he wanted to ask me." "So what did you say." "I dared him to ask me. If he had any gonads at all, he should ask a girl." "...and?" "And he did." "..and?" "And I said yes. I'm going to the prom, Mama." "Oh, baby. That's so great. You'll be queen." "I don't want to be the queen. I want to be a queen. I want to wear a red dress and dance with Donnie until dawn." "You'll have the night of your life." "I hope so, Mama. I hope he doesn't change his mind." "He won't, Monkey. He finally got up the courage to ask out the girl he wants." "If he follows me home, can I keep him?" "Ha. I'm just glad you're happy." "I'm thrilled. You have to take lots of pictures." "I will. Do you think my father should come over? But doesn't he have sit-up practice or something?" "Don't be too hard on him, sweetie. He loves you. You know he does." "I know he left. He left all three of us." "We're better off, Samantha. We're just fine." "Yes, we are. We're happy." "Sweetie. Some time that night, think of me, won't you?" "Oh, Mama. I'll think of you all night. We're going to twist again like we did last summer." "You're going dance til your Mama takes your t-bird away." "I want to dance with somebody who loves me." "Put on your red shoes and dance the blues." "Dance in the streets?" "You're silly." "You're happy." 2011 "I cannot believe my little girl is going to college." "Every mother says that, don't they?" "Not every daughter is moving in with her boyfriend." "I love Donnie, Mama." "I know, Monkey. I'm very happy for you." "I'm happy for me, too." "Ha. So are you ready to live with your boyfriend?" "I think so, Mama. He's very sweet. You know he's the only guy I've ever been with." "I know, sweetie. And now that you're a grown woman -- you're 19 -- wasn't it worth waiting for?" "Oh, yes. It's not just about the sex. It's about being with the person you love." "But the sex isn't bad, is it?" "Ha. No, it isn't." "Are you still going to have the surgery?" "Some day. But Donnie likes me like I am. I'm happy." "You're going to love growing up together. Your Daddy and I were the same in the beginning. We lived on love." "Love and fried shrimp." "Ha. I forgot how much you love fried shrimp." "I love Donnie more." "I'm just glad you two are happy. A mother worries when her daughter becomes sexually active." "Oh, we're real, real active." "I don't want to hear about it?" "You don't want to hear about me getting pegged, Mama?" "Oh, stop it, Samantha." "I was just kidding." "Sweetheart, if you ever really need to talk, you know I'm here." "I understand, Mama. Are you still coming up for Parents' Weekend?" "I wouldn't miss it. I've got to see my little girl." "Mama?" "Yes, sweetie?" "Thank you. For everything. For believing in me." "Thank you for being a wonderful daughter." 2012 "Let me carry you across the threshold." "Stop it. That's for when we're married." "Well, we kind of are. We're living together." "Isn't that cool. I'm glad Mama didn't object." "She knows you're grown. She knows we've been having sex." "If you weren't so damned loud!" "Ha. You're a moaner yourself." "Only with you, sugar." "So, should we christen the living room first or the bed room?" "God, you're a horn-dog. It's what I like about you." "I love your breasts." "Stop it. We have to unpack." "We can put it off. Take your dress off." "Donnie. You're impossible." "Here. Touch it. Please." "Ha. He's a persistent little demon, isn't he?" "He's an angel." "No, I wouldn't say that. Damn, he's pretty, though." "Could you...kiss it?" "Donnie. What would my mother say?" "She'd say. That dick needs to be kissed. It's all purple and swollen." "Poor baby. We should rush it to the hospital. Put it in a splint, maybe." "I think it just needs mouth-to-dick resuscitation." "Perv!" "Moi?" "Donnie. Promise it will always be this way. That we'll always be good together?" "We will, sweetie. Now lick there. Now suck. Oh, God, you're so good at this." "Mehpahfff." "Well said!" 2013 "So baby, How's the happy couple?" "We're fine, Mama. Working and studying." "And playing house?" "Well, that, too." "So what are you doing on March 9?" "God. That's six months from now. How do I know?" "I need you to come home." "Is something wrong?" "Yeah. With my head. I'm getting married...again." "Mama! To George?" "Who else? To Monique?" "Well, you two get along." "Not that well. I haven't started to munch carpet yet. If this marriage doesn't work out, though, I may try it." "It would be good to have a nice lesbian mother. All my friends have one." "No, George proposed Friday night. I told him yes last night." "Does ... does Lucy know?" "I just got off the phone with her. She's older than you, you know. She deserved to know first." "Does Daddy know?" "No, not yet. I'll let him know though. Paul and I are still friends." "I hope Annabeth lets him come. She's not a nice person sometimes." "Well, if he does come, he may have to wear a collar-and-leash." "You're bad. He doesn't wear a collar. Does he?" "Not a real one. But maybe a symbolic one. Like a lot of men." 2014 "Donnie, I like her. I just don't know about sleeping with her." "But you're both gorgeous. It would be a thrill." "For who? You? Or me?" "For both of us. We're kind of ... stale lately." "That's because you just smoke pot and read porn. Where did my sweet guy go?" "I'm still here, baby. I just think we should be grown ups. Try some things." "Is that why you brought home that toy rocket?" "It's not a toy rocket. It's a butt plug. And if you'd try it, you'd like it. You have a very sensitive ass, as I remember." "Then just use what nature gave you to make it happy." "Jack and Marcie had a threesome. With Janice. They said it was fun." "We keep going over this. What if you like her better? What if I like her better? What if you're the third wheel?" "Baby, there are no wheels. We're all together. Everyone does it these days." "What if I want another guy instead?" "We could do that. But then we'd have a bed full of dicks. I think a woman would give us more variety." "I've never been with a girl." "Never?" "I grew up trans, Donnie. I couldn't figure out boys, let alone girls. I don't even know if I'll like pussy." "Oh, it's very nice." "Do you like it better than me?" "No, Samantha. That's not what I'm saying. I just want to play a little before we're old and settled down." "Then let's buy handcuffs. Let's get you a blow-up doll, and a bottle of whiskey to get drunk with. Let's put you in a dress and make you go to a biker's rally." "Come on, Samantha. Kathy wants to meet you." "Kathy. You've already picked her out. Wait. Do you mean Kathy Edwards? The blond girl in your history class?" "She's very sweet." "She's probably got more diseases than Johns Hopkins Hospital. She's a skank." "She thinks you're sweet. She wants to kiss you." "You've talked to her about me? Jesus, Donnie." "Look, let's try it once. Just once. And if you don't like it, we can get the handcuffs. Okay?" "Yeah. And a blow-up sheep so you can put them on it." "Kathy's coming over at 5." "Jesus. You've set it up?" "If I didn't, you'd back out." "Okay, Donnie. You win. But you'd better worry." "Worry? Why?" "Worry what happens if I don't like it. And what happens if I do." 2015 "He's gone, Mama. He moved out." "That's a shame, Monkey. I know you loved him." "Not in the end, Mama. Donnie changed. He got into pot in a big way, and he wanted to screw his way through Ohio. His new girlfriend is a hooker in Dayton." "Oh, goodness. I'm sorry, Samantha." "You live and you learn. I'm getting by. I'm volunteering now. It keeps me busy." "You're still a young woman. You'll find someone else." "I thought I had found my someone. But life isn't fairy-tales. Not even if you're a fairy." "Stop that. You are not a fairy." "I know, Mama. I was just joking." "When did he leave?" "Sunday. We yelled at each other for two days, and then we went off to Bubbles." "Her name is not Bubbles, is it?" "No, Mama. It's Barbie. But she's kind of a Bubbles, if you know what I mean." "So what's the attraction?" "I don't know. I think she's kinky enough for him. She pegs him, he says. She spanks him. They sleep around." "I shouldn't ask if you did any of that." "No, you shouldn't." "None of my business." "So how is George?" "He's good. A little dull, but good." "Maybe you should spank him." "Who says I don't." "Mama!" "I'm kidding." "Good." "He's much too delicate to spank." "Stop it." "You know I'm kidding. But I kind of wish I weren't. I'd like to see him in a dress, mopping my floor." "Mama. Hush." "I'm just saying. Monique's husband wears her clothes, and she makes him cook and clean." "My God. Really?" "It's a good deal for her. He gets to swish all over their home, and she watches a lot of TV." "Please tell me you're lying." "But what if I'm not?" "Then power to the people." "Right on." 2016 "You look good in pink." "Oh, stop it. I look like a vagina." "Well, you always wanted one." "I wanted one between my legs. Not on my body." "It's Mom's wedding. She gets to say what we wear." "Forget what she's wearing. What is George wearing?" "Standard tux. Why do you ask?" "I was just wondering if he might be wearing a wedding gown, too." "Mom told you?" "She was playing with the idea of feminizing him. I don't know if she ever did." "What would you think if she did?" "It's their lives. I'll support her if she has a whip or if she doesn't." "But as a trans woman, would you be offended?" "It's not the same thing. I want to be a woman. A sissy doesn't. He just wants to wear the same underwear." "Exactly. I'm glad you get it." "How about you, Lucy? Would you want a Sissy-in-law for a father-in- law?" "Samantha, we live in a world filled with flavors. I don't care who sleeps with whom unless it's Anthony." "So do you have Anthony in a skirt?" "No. A suit of armor." "You're kidding!" "Of course I'm kidding. Anthony is so straight he squeaks." "I used to think Donnie was that way." "Is he still calling you?" "Yeah. Bubbles threw him out, and he lost his job. I think he's selling drugs down on 13th Street." "No chance of a reconciliation." "No. I don't think so." "You seeing anyone else?" "No one special." "Well, make sure no one special wears a condom." "I always do." "You still have a fine ass. You know what they say -- the bigger the waistband, the deeper the quicksand." "You're awful." "We need to get upstairs to check on Mom." "I'll bet she's beautiful." "When isn't she?" 2017 "I love it when people volunteer. Especially trans women, who have been through it myself." "I just hope I can help. I don't have my degree yet." "If you care, you will help." "So what's this girl's name?" "Tara. She's a handful. She ran away from home. She's been living on the street. And she's only 16. Tara...this is Samantha. You two are going to be best friends." "Is this my jailer?" "No, sweetie. She's not a jailer. She's a counselor. You'll like her." "Can she lend me $20 for a cup of coffee." "Damn, that's expensive coffee. You use that much creamer?" "Fine. Don't help me." "Why don't I buy you coffee. Now, tell me about you." "Do you really want to know?" "I do." "Okay. Even when I was a boy, I was a girl. My father hated me. My mother hated me. We weren't one of those 'everything will work out in the end" families." "My father wanted me to be a linebacker." "Mine wanted me to be the shortstop for the Yankees Anyway, he would spank me, and my mother would just watch. So I ran away with Billy, and we ended up in Los Angeles." "Nice city." "Not when you have to whore to eat. Billy got into coke, and I worked the streets. And it was still better than home." "Are you off the junk now?" "Mostly." "Tara, I won't bullshit you. You've had it harder than I ever did. Much harder. Harder than most people. But what you need to think about is the future. Where do you want to be? Back on the streets? Or with a job and a life? "All the odds are against a girl like me." "They are. Every one of them. But you can kick their ass if you want." "You think so?" "I do." "Can I get more coffee?" "You can." "Okay. Let's talk." 2018 "I'm so glad you're going to be one of our girls, Samantha. The kids appreciate it, too." "Janie, you know I'd do anything to help the teen trans out there. But are you sure you want me?" "I do. I think you'll be the prettiest girl in our Drag Show." "Hardly. Sherry is a knockout. And Belinda is stacked." "And you're prettier than either one. I'll lie if you tell them I said it, but you are." "Your friends are the ones who will fib for you. But thanks." "So how is Tara?" "She's fighting it every day. That's all you can ask. She had it rough." "She isn't alone. That's why we raise money wherever we can." "So how is the show going?" "It's good. Barbara Ella committed yesterday. She was on RuPaul's show." "That's great. She'l make the dirty old men horny." "The wind blows, and little old men get horny." "True that." "So have you picked out your music?" "Harden my Heart. I used to sign in Beauty Pageants. And The Only One by Melissa Etheridge. And Walking After Midnight by Patsy Cline." "Good assortment." "Well, everyone else is singing Girls Just Want to Have Fun." "Our anthem." "It ought to be a hoot. I hope we raise so much money there is no further need of us. Trans girls will be like any other girls." "I think about that all the time. If we can dream..." "Yeah. Life is hard enough as it is." "But you're better for what you've been through. It makes you prettier." "Then we all ought to be gorgeous." "We are." 2019 "I said yes, Mama. I'm getting married." "Oh, baby. I'm so happy for you." "God, I never thought it would happen for me. But it did." "Is Janie happy?" "She says she is. Why wouldn't she be with a catch like me?" "Well, that's true. But you get a catch like her." "I love her, Mama." "I know you do, Samantha. I knew you guys had something from the way you talked about her." "Well, she's special. It's funny. I spent so much time putting on dresses, i never thought my heart would be won by someone else who did the same." "Have you talked to her parents?" "Yes. Last night. They're over the moon. That's what happens when two little boys grow up to be women." "Beautiful women." "You have to say that. You're my Mom." "I'm not her mom, though." "It's interesting how things work out, isn't it Mama? When I starting volunteering at the Lambda House, I never thought it would lead to this." "How could you. You were green, and you didn't even know Janie." "Heck, Mama. I didn't even know I liked other trans women. I was still into little boys like Donnie. Then Janie was there, and she had this great laugh, and she had that sparkle in her eye." "And she looked good naked." "Ha. That didn't happen for a long time, Mama. We were friends. We mentored teens together. The first time she kissed me, I thought it was because she was drunk." "I always thought you could tell if there were possibilities at that first kiss." "Were you and Daddy like that?" "At first. And George and I." "Speaking of Georgia, how is she?" "She's doing well. I'd let you to talk to her, but she's at the grocery store to buy something to make for dinner." "Does she still like being your maid?" "I don't refer to her as the maid. She's just ... Georgia. But yes, she seems to like it." "Whatever works." "Samantha, you two need to get down here. We'll go out to dinner. Or Georgia can cook something." "We can go out, Mama. You need to meet Janie face to face." "Who did Janie used to be?" "James." "I like Janie better." "Janie does too." "I need to call Daddy." "I know. It's okay. He needs to give his little girl away." "He gave me away a long time ago." "Don't act like that. So what are thinking for a wedding dress?" "Something that Janie can get off me quickly?" "Funny." "No, something flowing. Something white. Janie wants the same thing for herself." "My daughter, the lesbian." "Lesbians with penises." "It sounds like a biker gang." "You know something, Mama. It doesn't matter. I mean, I love all of Janie's parts. But genitals are just genitals. I love Janie's heart, and her soul, and her mind. Everything else is just details." "See what a grown up you are, my daughter?" "I had a good guide at the start." "And you're a good bride at the finish." Copyright, 2019 (c) Cassandra Morgan